oh hey this is different we're officially on video now baby if you're on audio right now run to YouTube because you can now watch every single episode of self-obsessed on your screen like you can literally watch me talk and all of my extra gestures this is so surreal and actually hella uncomfy I started season one of this podcast on a little microphone I got from Amazon on my tiny little Ikea desk in my first apartment and I would record every episode in my pajamas facing a Plaine white wall and now we have a whole studio setup guys there are multiple cameras big lights I have a whole producer we are leveling up to start this episode in complete truthfulness I was hella afraid of taking this step because it is a lot on top of everything I already do but if there's anything the self-obsessed gires know it's that you got to keep doing the [ __ ] that scares you that's the only way you're ever going to grow and become more confident than you ever thought you could be so I said for season 3 we're stepping it up and every single episode from now on on self-obsessed will now be recorded visually for you to watch on YouTube so subscribe and now let's get into season 3 episode 2 of the self-obsessed podcast why you should not be friends with just anyone and everyone listen it is bad spiritual hygiene to just be out here making friends with anyone okay because let me tell you making friends is easy making the right ones is not honestly one of my biggest pet peeves is how casual Society has made the term friend we give it out so freely to absolutely anyone without vetting who we are about to allow access into our lives and into our energy and so in today's podcast I'm going to be sharing how having a small circle absolutely changed my life the Friendship standards that you need to start considering how to practice having spiritual hygiene and how to protect your energy when it comes to other people chapter one The Importance of Being selective when it comes to choosing your friends the older I've gotten The more I've understood how important it is to be selective with the people that you surround yourself with because I have learned the hard way that surrounding yourself with the wrong people can have such a detrimental effect on yourself your life your energy and where you're going to go in life like trust me the wrong people can literally influence where you go in life how your life turns out and I think so many people either ignore this or downright downplay it now I am a big believer that confidence comes from within you are the controller of your confidence you will never be able to get Confidence from outside things people or accomplishments ever the friends you choose can affect the level of confidence you have they can infiltrate your mindset they can put their limiting beliefs on you intentionally or unintentionally and so the friends that you choose will either build you up or break you down and you can be on your self-development journey at your strongest and most secure but that is not to say that now you can just deal with everybody people can literally undo your hard work and being really intentional with surrounding yourself with positive supportive friends can actually influence your confidence and grow it in ways that you you couldn't although I think isolation is important and it did play a huge role in my self-growth journey I am not one to say that we need to go without relationships and friendships they are so important and I will die on this hill that having these friendships and having other people in your life influences you on the journey you are about to go on other people help us grow in ways that we would not be able to grow ourselves there are so many favors we can do in improving ourselves and teaching ourselves things but also there is so much untapped wisdom in our interactions with other people people and how their unique life paths end up influencing ours and so there is so much magic to gain from our relationships with other people you need to be very careful that you're doing it with the right people not the people that are going to influence your confidence in a negative way so for example valuing quality over quantity when it comes to friend is a reflection of my commitment to practicing this the moment you decide to move away from being a people pleaser and instead fall in love with yourself accept yourself from who you are and know that you are worthy of your friends no matter what is the moment you will finally stop chasing after the things that are bad for you because you're actually trying to fill this little hole in you that thinks you don't have enough friends or people don't like you and so you're trying to prove your limiting beliefs wrong when really your limiting beliefs or your inner critic is this little voice in your head that is trying to hold you back it's is literally trying to self-sabotage you and there is no point paying attention to it because it is always going to lead you in the wrong direction it is coming from a place of your ego from your insecurities from trying to look better in front of other people it's never going to influence you to do the right action and our desire to have this big group of friends is coming from our ego is coming from our past friendship hurts is coming from caring what other people think about us but aside from that ending your people pleasing Tendencies and embracing your most authentic self is so important because it encourages certain friendships to fade away and I know that might sound scary okay I know but it's actually so important friendship endings I love because they're happening for a reason and you're not supposed to have an abundance of friends you're not supposed to have the same friendship group your entire life you're not supposed to never have a friendship ending okay that doesn't mean that you chose the wrong friend or you're doing something wrong or people don't like you enough that is the purpose of life to change and grow and adapt not every single friendship ending has to be bad and people are naturally going to move in and out of your life that's literally just a sign of your Evolution and self-improvement okay but also when you're not a people pleaser and when you're so confident in your authenticity less people are going to want to be your friend because it's easy I to be friends with someone who has no boundaries is willing to do every favor Under the Sun for you never stands up for themselves these bad friends can see that and they are literally seeking out friends like that because they know they can get away with it the people that are bad for you are going to be so turned off by your boundaries and how you stand in your power and so really this is like the ultimate form of protection for you so you need to be carrying this strong willed independent I'm good on my own energy throughout every day because it protects all the nasties from you people are not going to like it when you start prioritizing your needs and taking care of yourself because a lot of people try to be friends with other people for their own gain and so I love to say the more selfish you are the happier your life is going to be because you're only going to attract people into your life that like you for you that aren't doing anything to try and gain from you or take from you and lastly don't underestimate the desires that these bad manipulative friends will have in wanting to enter your life sometimes even if someone is so strong L jealous of you and secretly doesn't like you they still want to be in your life and this is why I say somebody liking you is not a compliment and I say this so strongly because I used to be that girl who was so naive and so insecure that if somebody took a liking to me and wanted to hang around with me I was like oh my God we're going to be besties no literally no sometimes someone can like you for all of the wrong reasons and they are trying to leech their way into your life to wreak havoc on it there are jealous people out there that will try to be your friends so that they can gain more INF and Intel on you and get a closer look at your life to try and figure out your faults or your downfalls so that they can make themselves feel better their ego is so bruised by your presence that they have to be in your life to try to either make you feel bad about yourself through their subtle digs sabotage where you want to go in life or try to find out vulnerable information that is going to make them finally feel comfortable with the fact that you are not on the pedestal above them because I promise you that is what they think which is why they're jealous of you in the first place and so letting anybody's energy into your life is obviously going to affect your life and your self-esteem it literally has the power to alter the way that you perceive yourself and if you don't surround yourself with people that treat you in accordance to your high worth and value then you are bound to forget who you are and that leads me onto chapter number two how to find the right friends for you step number one be aware of friendship love buming now you may be familiar with the term love buming from abusive manipulative and toxic relationship ship love bombing is typically described as when you're dating someone and you're getting into a relationship with them and they are giving you all of this love and all of this affection and shwing you in so much attention which I know you might be thinking oh well that sounds nice and that sounds like a green flag no you really know it's love buming when you have to take a step back and think does this person even know me well enough to be showering me in this much love and adoration and downright Obsession it's kind of weird like they'll say I love you too soon they'll try and be a best friend straight away they want to be in a relationship ASAP like they are making out like you are the entire universe meanwhile you guys met like a few days ago this is really [ __ ] weird and it's called love buming because all of that love will fade away to then show their true and genuine intentions for you and this is also very very common in toxic friendship and it's a great way to make sure that you don't accidentally let the wrong people in your life once you are aware of this sign you'll find that these types of friends are actually in a r rush to be your closest friend they kind of feel a little bit uncomfortable with the fact that you're friends with other people they want to be your entire universe they get way too vulnerable and way too deep way too fast like you'll find them crying on your shoulder telling you all of the trauma they've ever experienced in their entire life after you guys have literally just met listen taking it slow in friendship is such a green flag that's how I know I found like a confident secure buy because absolutely when I am out and about making new friends that person better be assessing me please please put me to the test ask me questions actually get to know me to see if I'm a good fit for your life and if you don't like me great she knows her standards she knows her values and now she's going to go find friends that actually align with her step number two is to match your energy and vibration to the kind of friends that you want to attract into your life now I was that girl who always struggled with friendships and every day I was like when am I going to find my people where am I supposed to L how are you supposed to even get friends and I was just complaining and complaining and complaining whole time I didn't know that all it was going to take was for me to come back home to myself develop a close relationship with myself fall in love with myself and realize that I was hold on my own to be able to attract the dream friendships I wanted in my life and I know you might be thinking that's a little bit wooy how does that have any correlation to me actually finding friends you know shouldn't I be going out and talking to people and trying to meet people no and yes it is good to socialize and get out there and step outside of your comfort zone I'm all about that but never at the expense of yourself and so I am the biggest Advocate that in the first first step in the first stage of you trying to become this person who gets a better friendship group the first step is always yourself because when you finally invest in yourself become your own best friend you're pouring time effort attention and kindness into yourself you start to like yourself you talk to yourself you spend time with yourself you take yourself on solo dates you practice self-compassion self-respect and set high standards for every single area of your life you will then attract people that match that energy mindset and vibration because just in living your life that way and taking care of yourself in that way you're essentially communicating to the universe I'm okay on my own I'm not chasing anyone I don't need anyone to make me feel whole I don't need anyone to feel okay and comfortable with myself and whether I'm doing okay in life no I love myself and I'm out here vibing and living my best life and when the right people come along then we'll see in fact then I'll test them and see if they're a good fit for my life and they're a good influence on me and we support each other and uplift each other and have values align and then I'll go after that friendship but until then I am completely content on my own and I'll even prove to you that this works a few years ago I used to be really insecure about the lack of female friendship in my life like I literally thought something was wrong with me I thought why does everybody else have these large friendship groups and I don't and it really had me feeling bad about myself as a result of that and that being my main focus in my life and my main pain point that translated into this energy of I really hope someone likes me and I really hope someone wants to be my friend and I really hope I get that dream friendship group because of that my my habits then translated into people pleasing being way too nice to others accepting friendship way too fast and most importantly taking being liked as a compliment because my own self-worth and confidence was low because I hadn't worked to myself yet because of that when I was meeting girls in University and talking to them I was instantly so happy at that interaction and that they wanted to hang out I was so easily impressed and I considered us friends straight away there were no tests because I was not comfortable being on my own I I was like ready to just take what I could get because I was coming from this people pleasing Chaser energy I kept attracting women into my life that didn't meet my standards would screw me over were jealous of me constantly made Digs at me like in my University example I was friends with two girls who were nice to me and wanted to hang out so I was like cool I found my besties they would constantly team up together to put me down about the way that I dressed about my interest about the way I lived my life and it was so demeaning and I called these people my friends and that entire situation was my own fault I got myself into it because they knew they could get away with stuff like that because I never stood up for myself because I never had a life myself outside of them whereas a couple of years ago when I had myself s l year when I started pouring into myself when I had my isolation period I literally reached a point where I was like I'm done with the Friendship chasing I'm done with trying to find the big group I'm okay without it and I deserve to find my happiness without fulfilling that standard of Life all of a sudden I now have an amazing group of friends who are on a similar life path to me our mindsets absolutely align we've never ever had an argument we've never had a disagreement they've never done anything shady to me I leave every single interaction feeling so aligned and so inspired and happy after that and guess what I did to find them nothing at all I was myself I was living my life I was confident and it matched their energy and what they were doing in their life and we just we ran into each other or we came into each other's lives at the right place at the right time this links into step number three always go off of values and Lifestyles I always say this when it comes to day you are not just dating a person you are also dating their lifestyle and when you're about to have a super close relationship or friendship with somebody you are also going to adopt their values and way of life and so you really got to start assessing that in people okay it doesn't matter how nice and how much they like you and how kind they are if their lifestyle revolves around partying and drinking taking no responsibility not caring about their career and you're the opposite you are super ambitious you want to be successful you're scared of being average you always want to go above and beyond you want to make your family proud you make the Forbes list stuff like that you cannot surround yourself with people who live a lifestyle of partying and basically the polar opposite they might be amazing good-hearted people who have been there for you and that is great but if you are doing all of this work on your own life when it comes to making sure that you are disciplined and motivated and you're getting up and you're working towards your dreams every single day then you also deserve to be around people who can at least match that energy why would you do yourself the disservice of letting absolutely anybody in into your life and then risking the fact that your mindset is going to fall short as a result I always say it for a reason you are the average of The Five People You spend the most time with the more you're around people who are talking about the fact that it's okay to slack off it's okay to not study for the exam the more it's going to condition your brain into also thinking that's okay and even if you're listening to this right now and thinking that's not me like I have friends like that but I'm never going to be that type of student or I'm never going to slack off my career like that okay fair enough you might not but you know what will happen you'll be out here studying they won't be by comparison you are doing so much and you are so above and beyond what everyone else in your surroundings is doing that it automatically makes what you are doing seem more impressive because by comparison no one is working as hard as you are no one is living as great as you are hell they might even say it they might even say oh my God you're doing so well just take the day off it's okay and oh my God you study all the time and and they're going to build you up and Build You Up whole time you are only fulfilling half of your potential and you didn't even know it because you were surrounded by people that made your baby steps a huge big deal and you believed it because that's what you were hearing the whole entire time whereas if you started going after friendships that actually matched your values and lifestyle you would be around people that would be giving you ideas on how you could grow even further you would be around people that would be working just as hard as you and that would push you to go even further and meet the potential the workload or the person you could be even faster and even better this links me onto the next step which is all about analyzing your PO interaction feeling any any a time you are hanging out with anyone whether it be your best friend of like 10 years someone you just met your first friendship date I want you as soon as you walk away from that lunch date that interaction that conversation think about how do I feel right now I can't tell you how many times this step SL standard saved me in talking to somebody who maybe their mindsets did align maybe they were on the exact same path as me and they liked me and they had all the green flags but after talking with them I felt a bit deflated and drained and immediately well not immediately actually it took me quite a few years of giving them the benefit of the doubt and giving them a second chance which never paid off by the way um to actually realize that the way you feel after a conversation is everything you need to know about whether somebody should be in your life or not you should only ever leave interactions either feeling happy joyful excited satisfied fulfilled or inspired that is it there is no other way around it if you leaving feeling a little bit tired like somebody's problems are all in your head now because that's all they ever talk about then you are doing a disservice for yourself and your life if you are putting so much energy into making sure that you're going to be a really good friend for other people and you are making sure you're a good listener and you ask the right questions and you get to know people for who they are and you're there for them and you understand their likes and dislikes you deserve someone who's going to do the exact same for you and hopefully 90% of the time because of course we do all have our problems that will result in you both leaving interactions feeling fulfilled feeling seen feeling understood just liking someone doesn't equal alignment how you feel after the interaction does the fifth step is to write out a list of the traits and attributes that you would want to find in a friend and I know this might not seem necessary but this gives you so much knowledge and so much wisdom and also unlocks all of the thoughts in your subconscious that you might not even be fully aware of until you start writing and I say that because that happens every time I Journal about something I never think I have something to write about and then I start writing and I'm like oh my God I have all these new ideas where did these even come from same is going to happen when you start writing out your less standards you'll be like I want a b c oh oh but C reminds me I want this and this and this and this and this and you get so clear about the kind of person you want in your life that you will never going to compromise after that because it's very easy to tell yourself I need a friend who's going to be loyal and kind and aligns with my mindsets and has deep conversations okay and what if they have all of that but then they don't have other things which down the line won't align with you the more detailed you get about it the more successful your friendship finds are going to be so take some time to actually reflect on what makes a good friend to you not anybody else this needs to be so personal to you and you need to get confident in each of your standards if it's really important for you that your friend is in the business space so be it write that down as a standard just because it's not important to everybody else doesn't mean you can't have that as a friendship standard maybe your standard is they need to be really in tune with their culture maybe it's that they need to be more into wholesome activities maybe it's that they need to be up for spontaneous activities and partying every weekend and traveling and living life really think about what kind of person you aspire to have in your circle and also why what's the why behind this what's the purpose where is it going to get you is it going to mean that you finally have someone that understands you is it going to mean that you'll finally have somebody that you can lean on and ask for for advice is it going to mean that you'll finally be surrounded by people that make you comfortable in pursuing the authentic big life that you've always dreamed of going after or is it just a have self-aware friends who are also on their own healing and self-development Journeys so that you're not stuck being somebody's therapist picking up the pieces after them because you are surrounded by strong people who do themselves the favors that you're doing themselves and so you all align with the amount of self-respect and effort that you put into your life step six pay attention to people's self-esteem and judge it I'm not kidding I actually made a real about this on Instagram and I'm sure it got like a million views and everyone was hating on me everyone was like how how dare you people can't have insecurities not everybody's confident I did not say any of that okay I'm saying if you have recognized and you are self- aware enough to know these things are holding me back I got some insecurities sometimes I get a little bit jealous I need to work on it where is this coming from why am I triggered from this let me try and nip that in the bud so that I don't project on to other people you're doing all of that work on yourself by the way Bravo sis you deserve to have a friend that's also going to do that for themselves so that they don't project onto you and I'm sorry but if I was out here saying I dated this guy and he was so insecure everyone would be like dump him sis but when it comes to a friend it's like have compassion blah blah blah why are you trying to have insecure people in your life for what please like literally what is that bringing you I this is such a big friendship standard at the top of my list the way that somebody feels about themselves the level of self-esteem that they have influences everything how they're going to treat you how they're going to react and show up in times of your grief or especially in times where you're winning and growing and evolving if they are already insecure how are they going to feel when you are stepping outside of the box of who you were when you met them how are they going to feel when you're getting bigger and you're constantly winning and maybe they're going through a rough time because that is so normal in Friendship sometimes one of you is really going to be struggling maybe you're out of a job maybe you don't know what to do next and the other person might have everything figured out and they're looking so great in comparison but this person down here with the low self-esteem needs to be securing themselves that they can come up here to support you and be there for you vice versa and you are secure enough to be able to step back down and help them through it the people you are friends with by no means need to be perfect and devoid of any insecurities it's human it's normal and it's also a long journey confidence is a lifelong journey will take many many many many years there at least needs to be an intention to get better to improve to try and be a healthy friend for other people around them that's what I mean and that is so important and honestly a lot of people lack it a lot of people suppress their emotions and bury it down deep and then it comes out when you're succeeding when you need them and that's how we wonder how the people we loved so much all of a sudden turned around to stab Us in the back and the last step for this chapter is to pay close attention to how they treat others obviously it's so important to pay attention to how somebody treats you and speaks to you but also to everybody else I can't tell you the amount of time someone was so nice to me but their main conversation was about everybody else and how they were living their lives and it just instantly gave me the ick and I walked away and I'm so glad I did because if somebody is that comfortable in discussing other people's lives and judging other people in front of you it won't be long until you are their topic of conversation somebody's true character is shown in how they treat everybody around them not just the person that they are face Toof face interacting with right now because anybody is capable of putting on their best face and best behavior to try and impress somebody if they can't even contain that negativity Judgment of others ew once again linking back to the next step they probably have a very very low self-esteem and this is the biggest sign of that so you need to run even if hypothetically let's say they they are a really good person they just they just have a little knack for gossiping and talking about other people they don't mean any harmed by it they're not jealous of these people do you know how much it says about a person that that is the center and focus of their conversation you really want to be around somebody who is only concerned with that you're out here working on yourself healing working on your your goals trying to do better trying to work on your happiness trying to improve your mindset trying to live a little bit more each day and you're really going to mix up all of your amazing abundant magical positive energy with someone who's living their life like that yeah no thank you and that leads us onto the final chapter chapter number three practical ways to practice spiritual hygiene AKA The Homework chapter if you're new here at the end of every podcast episode and video on my YouTube channel Tam there's always a homework chapter right at the end where we kind of sum up what we learned but also I give you practical things that you can start right now to make sure you set off on this journey on the right foot and you're not just listening to information that you're then going to forget about okay I'm here I want to cover all the steps and make sure you take accountability on the journey to becoming your best self so when you don't practice spiritual hygiene you are the type of person that allows just anybody and everybody to come near you come in and out of your life and as a result your energies get mixed up in theirs you can absorb their negative energy and it's just a little bit of a mess so iing spiritual hygiene is all about practicing little everyday Wellness habits that help you protect your energy make sure that your mindset is still nice and solid and positive and in your own realm and not getting mixed up with everybody else's limiting beliefs no thank you and here are a few ways that I like to maintain that step number one is that I am the queen of cut offs I do not give an f and I don't just mean cut offs when it comes to toxic friendships like I will literally go as far as social media I regularly mute blog even if I don't know you like if I see somebody's content consistently on the for you page and it annoys me for whatever reason why am I subjecting myself to that torment block the person right I'm never going to be that person that comments like this is such a bad video why would you post this you are literally lowering your vibration and bringing more negative energy into your life by interacting with the thing that bothered you more and then responding to it no rework the algorithm to work in our favor by engaging with accounts and things that Inspire us make us happy or educate us and obviously the same goes for real life I don't care who you are if you are going to disrespect me and make me feel bad about myself you are absolutely gone I love myself too much for that I am too confident to have people in my life just for the sake of having company that's not how the self-obsessed gires run things around here step two is to spend more time alone the more time that you get comfortable in your Solitude and you become your own best friend and you really have no problem in experiencing life alone the less likely you are to chase after people that are no good for you just for the sake of having somebody to experience life with somebody to have to do things with like you are fine turning up to a concent alone hell I did that I've traveled to other countries alone I've celebrated my birthday alone and I had fun on every single occasion but also spending time alone is also a really great opportunity to be able to quiet the mind and really tune back into yourself and the thoughts that may be going on in your head that you don't get to be aware of a lot of the time every day we're so consumed by I got to go to work I got to do this thing I got this job I got to be there for that person solid dates and Solitude is your time to really tap back into how am I feeling what am I Desiring what energies are going to be good for me right now who is good for me who isn't and that's really where you can evaluate and make sure that you're taking care of yourself and your spiritual health and finally step number three is to connect with a good Community this is when you do do the favor to yourself of stepping outside of your comfort zone and trying to get to know more people because one thing I have learned is that on the Journey of making friends and talking to strangers just through that you will be able to chop and change standards list cuz you will come across people that have certain qualities that maybe you weren't aware of before where you're like oh I like that actually I'm going to start looking for more people that have that mentality or speak like that or talk like that or live like that on the other hand it might make you realize certain things where you're like I didn't know to avoid that I'm going to make sure I do most of all it's about learning to surround yourself with like-minded people who are going to support you who are actually genuinely going to want the best for you help hold you accountable help you on your self-development journey and just give you that sense of being understood and belonging on your journey and that brings us to the end of season 3 episode 2 of self-obsessed ah at the end of the very first time this podcast episode has been recorded and the St of many more if you guys are watching on YouTube right now I hope you guys enjoyed it if you did please comment down below I can't wait to grow our community over here on this platform I hope everyone listening got something of value from this and it's really going to inspire you on the next level of your journey to becoming your best self be sure to check out the self-obsessed Instagram where you will see inspirational quotes and posts on The Daily to hold you accountable and keep you up to date with any new episode releases and also to take it any requests you guys might have for certain episodes I'm wishing you the best of luck I know you're going to kill it and remember to stay self-obsessed I will see you same time next Wednesday for a brand new episode bye m