WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT IN YOUR LIFE? YOU THINK EVERYBODY HAS A CALLING? WE ARE ALL LOOKING FOR THE SAME THING. WHAT INSPIRES YOU? CAN WE HEAL FROM EVERYTHING? HOW DO WE LIVE AN AWAKENED LIFE? WHY DO YOU THINK WE'RE HERE AS HUMAN BEINGS? TO SAY YES TO LIFE, YOU GOTTA START SAYING YES TO LIFE EXPERIENCES MUSIC INDECISION. SELF DOUBT. POOR JUDGEMENT. FEAR. THERE IS A SPIRITUAL CONNECTION BETWEEN ALL OF THESE FEELINGS. BEST SELLING AUTHOR AND SPIRITUAL LEADER, IYANLA VANZANT SAYS THE WORD THAT LINKS THEM ALL IS.... TRUST. IYANLA: Trusting yourself that you're gonna make the right choices. Trusting yourself that you can hear that voice and follow it. Trusting yourself. ON THIS SUPER SOUL SUNDAY, IYANLA EXPLAINS HOW RESTORING FAITH IN OURSELVES IS THE ONLY PATH TOWARD TRUSTING OTHERS, LETTING GO OF ANGER AND ULTIMATELY EXPERIENCING THE CONTENTMENT WE ALL CRAVE. IYANLA: The core ingredient of trust is vulnerability. IN HER LATEST BOOK, "TRUST," IYANLA ALSO SHARES THE DEEPLY PERSONAL WORK SHE HAD TO DO HERSELF TO RECALIBRATE HER OWN INTERNAL COMPASS. IYANLA: I had to stop being an abused abandoned neglected little girl... JUST LIKE ON HER HIT SHOW ON OWN, IYANLA BELIEVES THERE IS NOTHING LOVE CAN'T FIX. IYANLA: Just let your heart break. OPRAH: So we really haven't had a Super Soul conversation since you became the master healer for us on OWN. IYANLA: Yeah. OPRAH: I want to know what has that experience of so directly, spiritually and humanly impacting other people's lives done to your own? IYANLA: Pushed me knee deep into a more intimate relationship with God. I say to all my guests, I've said to all the crew, I'm not doing television. I'm doing my ministry. And when God sends people to me, I have to do what God wants me to do with them. So I've got to be prayed up. I've got to be grounded. I've got to be centered. I've got to make sure that my intentions are clear. OPRAH: Mm-hmm. NOW ENTERING IT'S SIXTH SEASON, "IYANLA FIX MY LIFE" REMAINS ROOTED IN LOVE...BUT ACCORDING TO IYANLA, NOT IN THE WAY GUESTS ON THE SHOW ARE ACCUSTOMED TO. RATHER THAN "LOVING THEM IN THEIR CRAZIMENT" AS IYANLA CALLS IT, SHE ACCEPTS THEM IN ALIGNMENT WITH THE SPIRITUAL LAW OF TRUTH, HONOR, NON-JUDGEMENT AND RESPECT. IYANLA: So what Fix My Life has done for me has been -- deepened my intimacy with God, deepened my spiritual practice, deepened -- and, in many ways, made me a really -- a kinder and a gentler Iyanla. OPRAH: Really. IYANLA: Yeah. OPRAH: So -- IYANLA: I mean, I ain't lost my Brooklyn fire. That's not going nowhere. OPRAH: But a kinder and gentler Iyanla -- IYANLA: In my spirit. In my heart. OPRAH: Mm-hmm. OPRAH: Mm-hmm. And you can see the commonality in that human experience. What is -- what is the wound that we're all suffering from? IYANLA: The belief that we're separate from God. A Course in Miracles says you cannot solve the problem because you do not know what the problem is. The only problem you have is the belief that you're separate from God. Because if you knew who lived within you and walked beside you, you could never be afraid or angry or ashamed or whatever, you know. OPRAH: Yes. IYANLA: Your wonderful-ness of humanness is. OPRAH: Yes. IYANLA: So that is it. The belief that we're separate. The belief that it looks like I'm separate from you. You're over here. I'm over here. That, you know, straights are separate from gays. Blacks are separate from white. And our belief in that illusion and the physicality makes us think I can do anything to you. OPRAH: Yes. IYANLA: You know, when I'm walking in the supermarket now, I am your sister. I am a demonstration of who you are. Of who my grandmother was. And that's because of our oneness. I see it and I feel it and I live it so that I know every time I show up, I am a demonstration and a representation of past and future generations. OPRAH: Yes. IYANLA: So I've got to be clear. OPRAH: That's what Maya says in that poem to our grandmothers. IYANLA: Yes. OPRAH: I was one but I stand at 10,000. IYANLA: 10,000. That's right. That's right. OPRAH: Yeah. IYANLA: You know, my mother died at 31 years old. An alcoholic. Died of leukemia and breast cancer after working from the time she was 13 years old. Cleaning -- she was a porter on the railroad. And -- but I am her demonstration. When people see me, they -- they have to know that I am Sahara Elizabeth Jefferson's daughter. And I cannot live like my mother cleaning toilets. I have to live like she was a -- her mother's daughter and brought forth a light. She brought me forth. And I have to be a proud demonstration of that. OPRAH: Yeah. OPRAH: Well, this is so interesting because we all are a product of where we have come from. And many of us have spent our lives trying to heal the wounds of where we've come from. Yeah. IYANLA: See, we're a product of who we come from. OPRAH: We come from. Yeah. IYANLA: The environment simply structures and shapes how we experience who we are. OPRAH: I think that this is a problem in our culture that we don't know who we come -- we don't know who we come from. IYANLA: And who we are. OPRAH: And who we are. IYANLA: And this is why we don't trust. We don't trust. IYANLA REMEMBERS HER OWN CHILDHOOD AS A TIME PLAGUED BY SECRETS AND FEAR. FOLLOWING THE DEATH OF HER MOTHER, IYANLA WAS SENT TO LIVE WITH HER GRANDMOTHER RISSIE. AT NINE, IYANLA WAS RAPED BY AN UNCLE. AND AT 14, SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH HER FIRST CHILD. IN "TRUST", IYANLA EXPLORES THE LESSONS BEHIND HER OWN PAINFUL PAST. OPRAH: You say here, "When the soul does not develop within the experience of trust, there remains within us a child who's in a constant search for attention, understanding, love, respect, and possibly justice for her abuse or neglect. These needs, when left unmet and unaddressed, will fester and grow into disruptive and/or dysfunctional behavior patterns that will impact every aspect of our lives." IYANLA: Yeah. Because I had to stop being an abused abandoned neglected little girl and recognize that beyond that, in my DNA, in the cellular and molecular structure of my being, were the Cherokee people. Were the Dahomian people. Were descendants from Cuba. Were women who picked cotton all day. And, therefore, had a strength in their back. Let me get that strength in my back. As opposed to me worrying about the fact that I went to school in run over shoes when I was 6. That was not gonna turn out well for me. I had to go back a little further and understand that was an experience that I had, but that's not all of who I was. OPRAH: You know, often we teach, preach, say what we most need to learn. IYANLA: I grew up thinking that a woman was my mother who was not. I grew up thinking that there was something wrong with me because of -- God only knows why. My life was a lie. OPRAH: Actually, you explain why so well. In reading about your grandmother, I think she was related to my grandmother. In all the ways that you make children feel inadequate. IYANLA: Inadequate. Bad. I was bad. I was bad. IYANLA: I had the devil in me. And she was gonna beat it out of me. OPRAH: Because she was a woman who, because of the times in which she was raised, and the suppression and oppression, had learned that it was best to go through the world keeping quiet. IYANLA: Keep quiet. Be who they want you to be. Had I knuckled down. Had I really given in to the restrictions and limitations placed on me, I wouldn't be who I am today. OPRAH: Mm-hmm. IYANLA: It was my talking that saved me. Here was the -- you know, the classic, shut up. You talk too much. Shut up. Why you talk so much? You always got something to say. And today, people pay me well to hear me speak. OPRAH: Yeah. Yeah. IYANLA: And if I had shut up as a child, that may not have ever happened. OPRAH: So you learned that you needed to learn to trust yourself. IYANLA: Yes. OPRAH: And I love what you say in here is that, you know, there isn't a person you can ask in the world at some point where they didn't say, you know, I just find it difficult to trust people. IYANLA: Right. OPRAH: But what you say, that's not really the issue. IYANLA: No. OPRAH: Learning to trust other people. IYANLA: No. OPRAH: The real issue is -- IYANLA: Trusting yourself. Trusting yourself that you're gonna make the right choices. Trusting yourself that you can hear that voice and follow it. Trusting yourself! OPRAH: That when people betray you, abandon you, don't acknowledge you, whatever, you will -- IYANLA: I'll be okay. OPRAH: Yeah. IYANLA: I'll be okay. And when I go back and look at it, something told me, you know. You say, God throws a pebble and then he throws a brick. OPRAH: Yeah. IYANLA: You've got to learn to trust the pebble when you hear it. OPRAH: Oh, yes. IYANLA: Very lightly. When you hear it. Yeah. OPRAH: Yeah. It shows up, doesn't it? IYANLA: Yeah. But we don't pay attention to that. COMING UP... OPRAH: How did you learn to fix your own life and learn to trust when everybody in your life, particularly in your family, had let you down? AND LATER.. IYANLA: And I saw it, heard it, and I -- you know, I just knew it was God. And -- OPRAH: While you were in the hospital? IYANLA: Mm-hmm. MAN: I am a man who is black. And a minister. And gay. IYANLA: Yeah. IYANLA: Step out of the shame. And what else would you be stepping out of? MAN: The fear. IYANLA: Uh-huh, what else? MAN: The inadequacy. IYANLA: Oh inadequacy! That's a good one. How about deception? MAN: Deception. IYANLA: When you see this before you, understand that the day God's calling came in to your life, you standing in the pulpit wearing this stuff right here. OPRAH: I love where you say, "There is no greater battle in life than the battle between the parts of you that want to be healed and the parts of you that are comfortable and content remaining broken. IYANLA: That is it. OPRAH: It. That is it. IYANLA: That is it. OPRAH: That is it. IYANLA: There was a part of me -- I think it was Bishop T.D. Jakes who said the enemy is in me. The enemy is in me. I'm not fighting the world. I'm fighting that part of me that says you can't do that. OPRAH: Yeah. IYANLA: Don't do that. And there's a part of me that says, come on, we're gonna do that. And then the other part says, don't you remember what happened last time? Oh, you're gonna do that. You can't do that. It's in me. And there's a part of me -- OPRAH: That's where the real battle is. IYANLA: That is where the real battle is. That is where the crux and the core of trust comes in. Those two parts of us. The part of us that would rather stay broke and miserable complaining, you know, living in the whatever, the mediocrity. OPRAH: And why? Why? Because we're afraid? IYANLA: Because we get to control it. We get to control it. I know how to be broke and poor and struggle and suffer and be angry. I know how to do that. You know, I got a degree. OPRAH: (Laughter.) IYANLA: But when it comes to being open and vulnerable, because trust -- the core ingredient of trust is vulnerability. OPRAH: Yeah. IYANLA: That's the core. Being vulnerable. Going within. Following my intuition. And facing the unknown. I'm not gonna face the unknown because I can't control the unknown. I can control the familiar. I can control what I know. I'm gonna trust that, even if I'm miserable. I'm gonna trust it rather than opening myself to a greater, grander possibility that requires me to be vulnerable. OPRAH: This is what the Detroit Free Press said about you recently. "Iyanla Vanzant's philosophy is this: help people find the truth and love each other." Do you believe that there is no difficulty that trust and love will not conquer? IYANLA: Non whatsoever. Those are the two things we have the greatest problem with. Loving people and trusting themselves. OPRAH: Yeah. IYANLA: So that they know who to trust. OPRAH: How did you learn to fix your own life and learn to trust when everybody in your life, particularly in your family, had let you down? IYANLA: I started paying attention. I started taking copious notes through my own behavior. Because I had a choice. I could either blame them and be upset with all of them, all of whom were dead, or -- you know, or become accountable and responsible. They taught me to do the wrong things. But I voluntarily continued to do it. OPRAH: Mm-hmm. IYANLA: if I'm continuing to do the things that they taught me and my spirit is saying, hmm-mm. That ain't right. That's not right. You know better. OPRAH: You know better. IYANLA: Don't do that. You know better. So I had to start paying close attention to what I was doing based on what I had been taught. WHEN IYANLA WAS 21 YEARS OLD, SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF THREE CHILDREN AND LIVING ON WELFARE. WHILE RIDING A BUS, SHE SAW AN AD FOR A LOCAL COLLEGE AND FOUND THE COURAGE TO ENROLL. SHE WOULD GO ON TO PUT HERSELF THROUGH LAW SCHOOL. IT WAS THEN THAT IYANLA REALIZED HER GIVEN NAME, RHONDA HARRIS, REPRESENTED THE CHILD OF HER PAST, BUT NO LONGER FIT THE WOMAN SHE HAD BECOME. SHE SAYS SHE KNEW THE LIFE SHE HAD BEEN LIVING WAS NOT THE TRUTH OF WHO SHE WAS, SO IN HER LATE 20'S, RHONDA HARRIS BECAME IYANLA VANZANT. OPRAH: So I want to go through -- I want everybody, first of all, just read the book. It's so powerful. IYANLA: Thank you. OPRAH: But you talk about the four essential trusts. IYANLA: Yes. OPRAH: Trust in self. Trust in God. Trust in others. Trust in life. IYANLA: Trust in life. The process. OPRAH: The process. IYANLA: Of life. OPRAH: I thought it was interesting that you had the four trusts, which you say are just like oxygen, I thought it was interesting that you had self first. IYANLA: Yes. Because I've got to know who I am. The first thing that I have to know is that I am a unique demonstration and -- and representation of the chief architect and creator of the universe. All that God is, I am. I have to know that. I have to know that. Otherwise, I'll continue to believe in separation. OPRAH: Well, you grew up with the same God I grew up with. IYANLA: Yeah, the one in the church. OPRAH: The one in the church. IYANLA: That smoked your eye, plucked out your eye, your foot -- that kind of -- the thing about the eye. OPRAH: I just -- yeah. He has a big scroll. Your name is in it. And every time you do anything, he is watching. IYANLA: You going to hell. OPRAH: Only bigger. IYANLA: You going to hell. OPRAH: Yeah. IYANLA: But the gift is that I saw God at an early age and knew that that was God. OPRAH: Did you all have the picture of Jesus with the long hair? IYANLA: On the cross. OPRAH: On the cross. IYANLA: Oh, let me tell you. This is horrible. When they -- when I had to get baptized, I must have been about 6. OPRAH: Mm-hmm. IYANLA: In the Pentecostal church where Jesus saves. And so, you know, they take you to the altar and they pray and do everything. And do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior? And there I looked up and there he was on the cross. OPRAH: Mm- hmm. IYANLA: And I said, Him? He can't help me. Look at him. I was 6. Because, of course, they don't explain anything to you. OPRAH: Yeah. IYANLA: They're showing you this edifice. How is he gonna help me? OPRAH: Yeah. IYANLA: He -- he -- look at him. Well, of course, that embarrassed -- you know I got beat into -- OPRAH: That's blasphemous. That's blasphemous. IYANLA: -- oblivion. But nobody ever explained to me who Jesus was. What the Christ was. What the cross was. What it meant. But because I had seen God, heard God -- OPRAH: When did you see and hear him? IYANLA: I must have been about 5. And I must have been about 5. OPRAH: And how did God show? Reveal? IYANLA: My grandmother had beaten me because I opened the door for the insurance man having been told never to open the door when nobody's home. OPRAH: Yeah. IYANLA: And she beat me with an ironing cord. And I had welts on my back and she didn't attend to that and so my undershirt stuck to my back. OPRAH: Mm-hmm. IYANLA: And it got infected. When my stepmother came to take me school shopping so I could go to kindergarten, she pulled the shirt off my back and pulled all the skin off my back. And they took me to the hospital where I had to stay for a few days because it was --OPRAH: The welts on your back? IYANLA: Yeah. They were just -- all the welts. But the shirt pulled the skin off because it had gotten infected. And I saw it, heard it, and I -- you know, I just knew it was God. And -- OPRAH: While you were in the hospital? IYANLA: Mm-hmm. Because as a kid, you're in the hospital, you know, and they didn't have a -- a record of talking to me. So are they gonna leave me here? Am I gonna die here? You know. I don't know what -- and God said to me, I'm with you. And you're gonna be fine. OPRAH: Did it appear in a form? In a -- IYANLA: Actually, what I saw was a nurse. A woman. The first time I ever experienced it. And I knew it. I knew this was God. I knew it. I know that sounds crazy. But, you know, I survived. And within the next three weeks, my father took me away from my grandmother and introduced me to my stepmother as my mother and I was fine from there. She was my angel. OPRAH: Your stepmother was your angel? IYANLA: Yes. Yes. OPRAH: Yeah. COMING UP... (IYANLA: There comes a moment in your life when you're getting ready to step into a new place. In that place, you should be so scared that there's a little pee running down your leg. OPRAH: ((Laughter.)) OPRAH: Well, it's interesting because you say that self-trust really means listening to our internal compass. IYANLA: Yes. OPRAH: The internal compass is the voice of God. IYANLA: And it's internal. OPRAH: Yes. It's internal. IYANLA: Do you know how many people worship an external God and then blame him for everything that happens? OPRAH: Yes. IYANLA: It's crazy. OPRAH: So that's how your relationship with God changed. IYANLA: Yes. OPRAH: It used to be an external out there. IYANLA: Out there. Right. Always from very early was internal. So I could see Jesus on the cross. I could see, you know, everything. And understand that that represents something in me. That was just my blessing. That was my favor. OPRAH: Why do we have to learn to trust others? IYANLA: Because everybody is a representation of God. How can I not trust -- see, here's the thing. Human beings are crazy as hell. They live messy lives. But they give you an opportunity to grow something bigger and better in you. Even if that something is a no. OPRAH: Even if it's a no. IYANLA: Even if that something is a no. OPRAH: Even if it's a no. IYANLA: No, you're not gonna do that. No, we're not gonna have that. No, we're not gonna have that. No, you will not treat my like that. You know? So trusting humans is important because they give you an opportunity to -- to grow, that -- something you need, that gives them an opportunity to learn. OPRAH: Okay. So trusting in God, trusting in yourself -- IYANLA: Yeah. OPRAH: And then trusting in God. IYANLA: But you've got to understand what God is. OPRAH: That's what I was going to say. People struggle with the trusting of a God of their childhood. IYANLA: Yes. OPRAH: Yeah. And this is what was so confusing to you at first. IYANLA: Yeah. That boy was rough. OPRAH: (Laughter.) IYANLA: That one didn't want me to wear no nail polish or drink no wine with my friends. That boy was rough right there. He was rough, you know. OPRAH: You couldn't dance. IYANLA: You couldn't do nothing. OPRAH: You couldn't listen to music on Sunday. IYANLA: Even though I had this different understanding within myself, there was -- no place in my life was it validated. So as I got older and I was wrong about this. I was wrong about -- well, maybe I'm wrong about this. Maybe I'm wrong about this. Maybe this really isn't God, that thing that I heard and saw. And then I started looking outside. And that's when it all went to pot. OPRAH: Fell apart. So we are in direct conflict, just as -- just as a Course in Miracles says that the further you are away from that internal compass, the more off track you are. IYANLA: The more off track you are, you are on the road in the dark with one shoe into the edge of the cliff. You've got a (inaudible.) OPRAH: I love, too, when you say, "That when you live in trust and faith, truly live it, what everyone else says and does becomes irrelevant." IYANLA: It really does. You don't even hear it. But then, again, that means that you've got to be willing sometimes to stand alone. OPRAH: Yep. IYANLA: You've got to be willing to piss some people off. You've got to be willing to look different. Sound different. Be different. And those are risks that many of us are not willing to do. Because we don't understand God. You trust yourself by knowing who you are. You trust God by understanding God's nature. OPRAH: How are you able to trust yourself in the worst of times? Because I imagined myself being you, walking into the bankruptcy court and being, you know, like all your stuff has to be laid before people. How -- all your stuff. IYANLA: Everything. OPRAH: Everything. And you said that you were so numb -- IYANLA: I just went numb. Boop. Just went numb. IN 2003, IYANLA WAS DEVASTATED WHEN HER 30-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER, GEMMIA LOST HER BATTLE WITH CANCER. IYANLA HAD ONCE EARNED A THREE MILLION DOLLAR SALARY. BUT GEMMIA'S MEDICAL BILLS....A SERIES OF BAD INVESTMENTS, A PAINFUL DIVORCE AND YEARS OF UNEMPLOYMENT CAUSED IYANLA TO HIT A FINANCIAL WALL AND FORCED HER TO FILE FOR BANKRUPTCY. IYANLA: So I just numbed myself. And here it is for me. I don't care what it is. If it's new. If it's scary. Here it is for me. Ye though I walk through the valley. OPRAH: Through the valley. IYANLA: The valley of the bankruptcy court. The valley of divorce. The valley of burying my daughter. The valley of ending a 14-year relationship. Ye, though I walk through the valley, I'm not gonna fear. Now, I may do a lot of things. I'm not gonna fear. And this is what I tell my students all the time. There comes a moment in your life when you're getting ready to step into a new place. In that place, you should be so scared that there's a little pee running down your leg. OPRAH: ((Laughter.)) IYANLA: Just a little bit of pee. You don't have to have a whole, you know, release of the bladder. But a little pee should be running down your leg. Because that's when you're gonna depend on something greater than you. If you don't have a little pee running down your leg, then you're not living big enough. OPRAH: Wow. IYANLA: You're not. You had a little pee running down your leg when you started this network. That's right. I had to go get you a little Depends. OPRAH: A little pee. I think a river runs through it. IYANLA: A little pee, you know? So numb yourself. Keep walking. Pee on yourself. Keep on moving. And you're gonna get into a new place. OPRAH: But this is what I loved. You say, "Throughout my life, I learned to trust that there will always be a sister woman on hand to help me when I really need it. I trust that experience because it's been a powerful reality in my life. That's -- perhaps it's because I've been that friend for so many other women. Just three days before I was scheduled to turn over the keys to my house, that sister woman called." IYANLA: I can't even talk about it. OPRAH: "She had found me a place." IYANLA: She did. OPRAH: And said, "When could I come to see it? I'm gonna keep reading until you can talk." IYANLA: Ooh. OPRAH: "It was small. Much smaller than the house I was giving up." This is what I love, though. "It was clean." IYANLA: Yeah. OPRAH: "Because I can live anywhere if it's clean." IYANLA: That's right. OPRAH: It was clean. It was clean. Clean is a good thing. IYANLA: Yeah. OPRAH: "It was affordable, but of course in my current state, that would be subject to interpretation." Oh, I love that line. IYANLA: It was. That -- let me tell you, she did. Always there's a sister, a woman, who shows up with what I need. I just lost my beloved Chinaza. OPRAH: Chinaza. IYANLA: But she called me. And she said, I just drove past a place with a rent sign on it. When can you come? So I went there. And, of course, at the thought of giving up my, you know, 14-room house to the bankruptcy court, I was desperate. And I had all my clothes in black bags in the back of my car. And so I went and it looked beautiful. OPRAH: (Laughter.) This little cottage. IYANLA: It was a hovel. But I called it a cottage because you have to create your own reality. And so -- I knew this was the place. Within a day, an mossy called me and she said, somebody sent you a check. But they want to remain anonymous. I said, how much is the check? She said, well, I'm gonna put it in your account, and you'll see. So the next day, I look in my account. There was $10,000. and that's how I got in that house. OPRAH: Amazing. IYANLA: Within three days. OPRAH: Trust. IYANLA: Trust. I trusted. Trusted. And -- and it showed up. And it showed up in ways that I could have never imagined. COMING UP... OPRAH: An event like that, when you're talking about trusting in others. Trusting in life. Can call -- cause everything to be called into question. IYANLA: Yeah. AND LATER... IYANLA: I love to get into that space where I'm not in the physical anymore. I'm not black. I'm not a woman. I'm not poor or wealthy. I'm not even the host of Fix My Life. (Laughter.) OPRAH: how did losing that first house, actually, help you build your trust in God? IYANLA: I had to tell the truth. You know, that's why a lot of people don't trust. Because they lie. (Laughter.) When you know you lie, it's gonna be hard to trust you. I'm not gonna eat no cookies. As soon as the lights go out, threw are down in the cookie jar, you know? But losing that house, the same -- I had to trust that I'd be -- I'd land on my feet. So when I found the little cottage, you know, and got the money to get it, and I thought I'd only be there two years. I was there eight years. But the man who owned the house was always very good to me. Didn't bother me. I was on 30 acres of land. I took care of my little house. It was wonderful. OPRAH: Mm- hmm. IYANLA: And then began to -- through Lifeclass. Through Fix My Life. Began to do what Suze Orman told me. Suze Orman told me after that bankruptcy how to rebuild my credit. And I did exactly what she said exactly the way she said it. OPRAH: Really. IYANLA: Yes. Who's not gonna listen to Suze Orman? OPRAH: Suze Orman. IYANLA: When it come to money? OPRAH: So you eventually built back your finances enough through Suze Orman's advice and your own self-will. IYANLA: Yes. OPRAH: But were you still a little afraid? IYANLA: I was -- pee running down my legs. OPRAH: (Laughter.) IYANLA: Big pee. Not -- I mean, the kind that leaves droplets on the curb when you walk by. But when I went to the house And as I walked in the house, ooh, I tell you, I just knew it was mine. OPRAH: You claimed it. You claimed it. Or it claimed you. IYANLA: It claimed me. OPRAH: It claimed you. I named it and I didn't know how. So when I called the realator to say how much do they want a month? She said "That house is not for rent, that house is for sale." I said, "Oh lord." She said "Now let's just see if you prequalify." And I'm thinking, well I filed for bankruptcy, and yadi-yadda-yadda and she called and I prequalified. Now you know it was a fixer-upper. You know that. OPRAH: Yeah. IYANLA: And -- and I didn't care. I was willing to paint every wall with a toothbrush if I had to. OPRAH: You are funny. IYANLA: That was my house. I was telling everybody. The supermarket cashier. The dog walker. I bought a house. I bought a house. I bought a house. Because when you get a victory, celebrate it. When you trust and the victory comes, celebrate it. OPRAH: Oh, I believe in that. IYANLA: Yes. COMING UP... OPRAH": , "Hoping that somebody will meet your needs and trusting his capacity to do so are two very different things." IYANLA: Yes. OPRAH: How do we tell the difference? AND LATER... OPRAH: What's the word that best describes who you are and why you're here? IYANLA: One word? OPRAH: All right. So you and I could talk for hours. IYANLA: I know. OPRAH: But there are a couple things I want to get from this book. IYANLA: Okay. OPRAH: "Family members don't get special dispensation just because they're blood." We need to proclaim that. We need a big card. Hello. IYANLA: You know? OPRAH: A big card that says family members don't -- you believe that we should remove the "relative" label from the equation and treat them like any other person. That's tough for so many people. IYANLA: I know. But if you know that your mother doesn't tell you the truth, don't keep acting like she does. If you know that your father has a tendency to not honor his word or -- just don't keep trusting he will do what he says he's gonna do because he's your father. OPRAH: Because people should not be allowed to betray you in the name of blood. IYANLA: Yes. OPRAH: I'm your sister. I'm your relative. I'm your blood. IYANLA: No, no, no, no, no. No. No. And see that was an easy lesson for me to learn because everybody in my family betrayed me. They all lied to me. They all -- you know, my whole life was a lie. There are no sacred cows. OPRAH: So I think we need to clarify something here,trust what you're saying does not mean you don't also need to have boundaries. IYANLA: You've got to have boundaries. OPRAH: Yeah. IYANLA: You have to have a no. And you have to have boundaries with your family. You know, you may know this, too, as the one who made it out. OPRAH: Yeah. IYANLA: When I made it out -- OPRAH: As the one who made it out. IYANLA: Every hand, every bill, every need, every everything. OPRAH: And your middle name becomes First National Bank. IYANLA: Yeah. ATM. ATM. OPRAH: Yeah. OPRAH: All right. On page 190 you write, "Hoping that somebody will meet your needs and trusting his capacity to do so are two very different things." IYANLA: Yes. OPRAH: How do we tell the difference? IYANLA: Through demonstration. This really shows up in relationships. So that -- trusting other people. If you are involved with somebody who has demonstrated they cannot keep their word. They can't even get to where they're going on time. They can't complete what they've started. You've seen it over and over and over again. While you may want them to meet a need or to be a certain person or to be there for you, you've seen that they can't. Which means they don't have the capacity. OPRAH: Mm- hmm. IYANLA: I just ended a relationship because the person just didn't have the capacity to live at the level I'm living. Not a bad person. Good, beautiful person. But they don't have the capacity. And it's not loving to ask somebody to do something they are unable or unwilling to do. IYANLA: That's right. OPRAH: That's right. Amen, sister. One of the stories you mention in the book is the shooting at the church in Charleston. IYANLA: Yeah. WE ALL REMEMBER WHEN IN JUNE 2015, A GUNMAN OPENED FIRE DURING BIBLE STUDY AT THE HISTORIC EMANUEL A.M.E. CHURCH IN CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA. THE SHOOTER KILLED NINE PEOPLE, INCLUDING STATE SENATOR AND PASTOR OF THE CHURCH, REVEREND CLEMENTA PINCKNEY. AFTER A 14-HOUR MANHUNT, 21-YEAR OLD DYLANN ROOF WAS ARRESTED. HE LATER ADMITTED TO THE SHOOTING AND TOLD AUTHORITIES HE DID IT IN HOPES OF IGNITING A RACE WAR. OPRAH: you know, an event like that, when you're talking about trusting in others. Trusting in life. Can call -- cause everything to be called into question. IYANLA: Yeah. OPRAH: Your faith, your trust, your belief in God. How do you trust again after something like that? IYANLA: Well, I believe that all things are lessons that God would have us learn. And I believe everything happens the way it needs to happen. OPRAH: Mm-hmm. IYANLA: They were not wrong in trusting that young man to come into the church. They were not wrong. They were doing what they needed to do. And what happened, even though our human eyes and human mind can't calculate it, needed to happen. I believe that what happened as a result is where the whole thing went to pot. I believe that that incident, and many, many others, were the call for us to have a real conversation about race and racism. I really do believe it. And we did a bypass. We went to forgiveness and be nice and be kind instead of saying, okay, we still got bushes here with people living in 'em that got this issue about race. OPRAH: Yeah. Like the profound lack of trust between, you know, the African American community and the police in our community right now. IYANLA: We won't have that conversation. And you can't -- if you're not telling the truth, you won't trust. We do not tell the truth about race in this country. We keep saying there's no racial divide. Well, where do you live? OPRAH: Yeah. IYANLA: We do it in pockets. We do it quietly. OPRAH: Yeah. IYANLA: But we don't throw it out there. And that's why we still have it because we haven't told the truth about it. COMING UP... OPRAH: Finish this sentence. I feel the presence of God when? AND LATER... EVERY SPRING, NATURE BRINGS US INSPIRATION TO TAKE OUR OWN LEAP OF FAITH. OPRAH: So what is the root of racism, in your opinion? IYANLA: What? Superiority. Superiority and inferiority that dates back to how this country was created. OPRAH: Mm-hmm. IYANLA: The fact that it was stolen. It was stolen from my ancestors. We won't tell the truth about that either. You know? So it's superiority and dishonesty. That is the root of racism. Dishonesty. I'm superior because I said so. OPRAH: Mm-hmm. IYANLA: I'm superior because I have this and you don't. OPRAH: Mm-hmm. IYANLA: I'm superior because, you know, I choose to be. And I'm not making you inferior. But because you're not like me, you are. Because you don't look like me. Because you don't have what I have. Because you don't do what I do. So racism, violence, dishonesty. It exists. And until we tell the truth about it and deal with it head on, deal with it head on. OPRAH: It starts with a conversation, though. An honest conversation. IYANLA: Everything starts with a conversation. OPRAH: Yeah. IYANLA: Yeah. As -- as we've got to have the conversation that as an African American man in this country, you are not safe from the people who are entrusted to protect you. You simply aren't, Oprah. We've got to have that conversation. And then we've got to -- once we have the conversation -- OPRAH: Then you've got to get people to accept that that is true. IYANLA: Right. OPRAH: To acknowledge that that is true. IYANLA: Because we shut it down. We shut it down. OPRAH: There needs to be something done about that. OPRAH: Let's move to soul to soul. IYANLA: Okay. OPRAH: Finish this sentence. I feel the presence of God when? IYANLA: I breathe. I inhale. OPRAH: I experience love when? IYANLA: Oh, my God. It should be I don't experience love when. I experience love moment by moment by moment. OPRAH: You do? IYANLA: I really do. I really do. OPRAH: The purpose of forgiveness is? Your last book. The purpose of forgiveness is? IYANLA: Elevate my consciousness. To elevate my consciousness. OPRAH: Mm-hmm. I am living my purpose when? IYANLA: I put God first. OPRAH: Wow. My life force is most fulfilled when? IYANLA: My life force? OPRAH: Mm-hmm. IYANLA: My life force is most fulfilled when I'm praying. OPRAH: Really. IYANLA: Yeah. I love to pray. It's orgasmic for me. I really do. I love to get into that space where I'm not in the physical anymore. I'm not black. I'm not a woman. I'm not poor or wealthy. I'm not even the host of Fix My Life. (Laughter.) I am one with God. OPRAH: Wow. IYANLA: And I only -- I only had to have that experience once to know I had to keep going back and have that experience. OPRAH: Yeah. What's the biggest obstacle to peace. IYANLA: Judgment. OPRAH: The most difficult choice I've had to make to fulfill my destiny is? IYANLA: To say no to my family patterns. OPRAH: What's the word that best describes who you are and why you're here? IYANLA: One word? OPRAH: Mm- hmm. IYANLA: Trust. (Laughter.) OPRAH: Trust. And the reason we need to trust is? IYANLA: It keeps us connected to God. Trust is what keeps us connected to God. OPRAH: Wow. It's great seeing you again. IYANLA: Thank you. Thank you. IN TODAY'S BREATHING SPACE.... THE COURAGE OF A BRAND NEW BABY BIRD.... WHEN IT'S TIME TO TAKE THOSE FIRST STEPS OUT OF THE NEST. FIFTY FEET IN THE AIR, WINGS UNTESTED... INSTINCT TELLS THEM IT'S TIME TO GO. THE MIRACLE IS THEY LISTEN. EACH ONE TRUSTS THE CALL AND JUMPS IN TO THE UNKNOWN. A WHOLE NEW LIFE WAITS FOR THEM BEYOND THE CUSHION OF LEAVES. SPREAD YOUR WINGS SUPER SOULERS, TRUST THAT YOU WILL SOAR! SEE YOU NEXT SUNDAY..