Transcript for:
Exploring The Catcher in the Rye

The Catcher in the Ry by JD Salinger read by Nolan Henley if you really want to hear about it the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born and what my lousy childhood was like and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me and all that David Copperfield kind of crap but I don't feel like going into it if you want to know the truth in the first place that stuff bores me and in the second place my parents would have about two hemorrhages a piece if I told anything pretty personal about them they're quite touchy about anything like that especially my father they're nice and all I'm not saying that but they're also touchy as hell besides I'm not going to tell you my whole goddamn autobiography or anything I'll just tell you about this madman stuff that happened to me around last Christmas just before I got pretty rund down and had to come out here and take it easy I mean that's all I told DB about and he's my brother and all he's in Hollywood that isn't too far from this crummy place and he comes over and visits me practically every weekend he's going to drive me home when I go home next month maybe you just got a Jaguar one of those little English jobs that can do around 200 miles an hour it cost him damn near 4,000 bucks he's got a lot of dough now he didn't used to he used to be just a regular writer when he was home he wrote this terrific book of short stories the secret goldfish and in case you never heard of him the best one in it was the secret goldfish it was about this little kid that wouldn't let anybody look at his goldfish because he bought it with his own money it killed me now he's out in Hollywood DB being a prostitute if there's one thing I hate it's the movies don't even mention them to me where I want to start telling is the day I left peny Prep peny Prep is this school that's in AER toown Pennsylvania you probably heard of it you've probably seen the ads anyway they advertised in about a thousand magazines always showing some hot shot guy on a horse jumping over a fence like as if all you ever did at peny was play poo all the time I never even once saw a horse anywhere near the place and underneath the guy on the horse's picture it always says since 1888 we've been molding boys into Splendid clear thinking young men strictly for the birds they don't do any damn more molding at peny than they do at any other school and I don't know anybody there that was Splendid and clear thinking and all maybe two guys if that many and they probably came to peny that way anyway it was the Saturday of the football game with Saxon Hall the game with Saxon Hall was supposed to be a very big deal around peny it was the last game of the year and you were supposed to commit suicide or something if old pencey didn't win I remember around 3:00 that afternoon I was standing way the hell up on top of Thompson Hill right next to this crazy cannon that was in the Revolutionary War and all you could see the whole field from there and you could see the two teams bashing each other all over the place you couldn't see the grandstand too hot but you could hear them all yelling deep and terrific on the peny side because practically the whole school except me was there and scrawny and [ __ ] on the Saxon Hall side because the visiting team hardly ever brought many people with them there were never many girls at all the football games only seniors were allowed to bring girls with them it was a terrible school no matter how you looked at it I like to be someplace at least where you can see a few girls around every once in a while even if they're only scratching their arms or blowing their noses or even just giggling or something old Selma thurmer she was the headmaster's daughter showed up at the games quite often but she wasn't exactly the type that drove you mad with desire she was a pretty nice girl though I sat next to her once in the bus from Ager town and we sort of struck up a conversation but I liked her she had a big nose and her nails were all bitten down and bleed looking and she had on those damn falsies that point all over the place but you felt sort of sorry for her what I liked about her she didn't give you a lot of horse manure about what a great guy your father was she probably knew what a phony slobby was the reason I was standing way up on Thompson Hill instead of down at the game was because I just got back from New York with the fencing team we'd gone into New York that morning for this fencing meat with MC Bernie school only we didn't have the meat I left all the foils and equipment and stuff on the goddamn Subway it wasn't all my fault I had to keep getting up to look at this map so we'd know where to get off so we got back to peny around 2:30 instead of around dinner time the whole team ostracized me the whole way back on the train it was pretty funny in a way the other reason I wasn't down at the game was because I was on my way to say goodbye to Old Spencer my history teacher he had the gripe and I figured I probably wouldn't see him again till Christmas Vacation started he wrote me this note saying he wanted to see me before I went home he knew I wasn't coming back to pensy I forgot to tell you about that they kicked me out I wasn't supposed to come back after Christmas vacation on account of I was flunking four subjects not applying myself and all they gave me frequent warning to start applying myself especially around midterms when my parents came up for a conference with old thurmer but I didn't do it so I got the axe they gave guys the axe quite frequently at peny it has a very good academic rating peny it really does anyway it was December and all and it was cold as a witch's tee especially on top of that stupid Hill I only had on my reversible and no gloves or anything the week before that somebody had stolen my camel hair coat right out of my room with my furline gloves right in the pocket and all peny was full of crooks quite a few guys came from these really wealthy families but it was full of crooks anyway the more expensive a school is the more Crooks it has I'm not kidding anyway anyway I kept standing next to that crazy Cannon looking down at the game and freezing my ass off only I wasn't watching the game too much what I was really hanging around for I was trying to feel some kind of a goodbye I mean I've left schools and places I I didn't even know I was leaving them I hate that I don't care if it's a sad goodbye or a bad goodbye but when I leave a place I like to know I'm leaving it if you don't you feel even worse I was lucky all of a sudden I thought of something that helped make me know I was getting the hell out I suddenly remembered this time in around October that I and Robert tickner and Paul cample were chucking a football around in front of the academic building they were nice guys especially tickner it was just before dinner and it was getting pretty dark out but we kept chucking the ball around anyway it kept getting darker and darker and we could hardly see the ball anymore but we didn't want to stop doing what we were doing finally we had to this teacher that taught biology Mr zambesc stuck his head out of the window in the academic building and told us to go back to the dorm and get ready for dinner if I get a chance to remember that kind of stuff I can get a goodbye when I need one at least most of the time I can as soon as I got it I turned around and started running down the other side of the Hill toward Old Spencer's house he didn't live on campus he lived on Anthony Wayne Avenue I ran all the way to the main gate and then I waited a second till I got my bread breath I have no wind if you want to know the truth I'm quite a heavy smoker for one thing that is I used to be they made me cut it out another thing I grew 6 and half Ines last year that's also how I practically got TB and came out here for all these goddamn checkups and stuff I'm pretty healthy though anyway as soon as I got my breath back I ran across route 204 it was icy as hell and I damn near fell down I don't even know what I was running for I guess it just felt like it after I got across the road I felt like I was sort of Disappearing it was that kind of a crazy afternoon terrifically cold and no sun out or anything and you felt like you were disappearing every time you crossed the road boy I rang that doorbell fast when I got to Old Spencer's house I was really Frozen my ears were hurting and I could hardly move my fingers at all come on come on I said right out loud almost somebody opened the door finally old Mrs Spencer opened it they didn't have a maid or anything and they always open the door themselves they didn't have too much dough Holden Mrs Spencer said how lovely to see you come in dear are you frozen to death I think she was glad to see me she liked me let me take your coat dear she said she didn't hear me ask how Mr Spencer was she was sort of deaf she hung up my coat in the hall closet and I sort of brushed my hair back with my hand I wear a crew cut quite frequently and I I never have to comb it much how have you been Mrs Spencer I said again only louder so she'd hear me I've been just fine Holden she closed the door how have you been the way she asked me I knew right away old Spencer told her I'd been kicked out fine I said How's Mr Spencer you over his gripe yet over it Holden he's behaving like a perfect I don't know what he's in his room dear go right in Chapter 2 they each had their own room and all they were both around 70 years old or even more than that they got a bang out of things though in a half-ass way of course I know that that sounds mean to say but I don't mean it mean I just mean that I used to think about old Spencer quite a lot and if you thought about him too much you wondered what the heck he was still living for I mean he was all stooped over and he had very terrible posture and in class whenever he dropped a piece of chalk at the Blackboard some guy in the front row always had to get up and pick it up and hand it to him that's awful in my opinion but if you thought about him just enough and not too much you could figure out that he wasn't doing too bad for himself for instance one Sunday when some other guys and I were over there for hot chocolate he showed us this old beat up Navajo blanket that he and Mrs Spencer bought off some Indian in Yellowstone Park you could tell old old Spencer got a big bang out of buying it that's what I mean you take somebody old as hell like Spencer and they can get a big bang out of buying a blanket his door was open but I sort of knocked on it anyway just to be polite and all I could see where he was sitting he was sitting in a big leather chair all wrapped up in that blanket I just told you about he looked over at me when I knocked who's that he yelled Coffield come in my boy he was always y in outside of class got on your nerves sometimes the minute I went in I was sort of sorry I'd come he was reading the Atlantic Monthly and there were pills and medicine all over the place and everything smelled like Vic's nose drops it was pretty depressing I'm not too crazy about sick people anyway what made it even more depressing old Spencer had on this very sad ratty old bath robe that he was probably born in or something I don't much like to see old guys in their pajamas and bathrobes anyway their bumpy old chests are always showing and their legs old guys legs beaches and places always look so white and un hairy hello sir I said I got your note uh thanks a lot he'd written me this note asking me to stop by and say goodbye before vacation started on account of I wasn't coming back you didn't have to do all that i' I'd have come by and said goodbye anyway uh have a seat there boy old Spencer said he meant the bed I sat down on it how's your gripe sir my boy if I felt any better I'd have to send for the doctor old Spencer said that knocked him out he started chuckling like a mad man then he finally straightened himself out and said why aren't you down at the game I thought this was the day of the big game it is uh I was only I just got back from New York with the fencing team I said boy his bed was like a rock he started getting serious as hell I knew he would so you're leaving us eh he said uh yes sir I guess I am he started going into this nodding routine you never saw anybody nod as much in your life as old Spencer did you never knew if he was nodding a lot because he was thinking and all or just because he was a nice old guy that didn't know his ass from his elbow what did Dr thurer say to you boy I understand you had quite a little chat yes we did we really did I was in his office for around uh two hours I guess what did he say to you oh uh well about life being a game and all and how you should play it according to the rules he was pretty nice about it I mean he didn't hit the ceiling or anything he just kept talking about life being a game and all you know life is a Game Boy life is a game that one plays according to the rules yes sir I know it is I know it game my ass some game if you get on the side where all the hot shots are then it's a game all right I'll admit that but if you get on the other side where there aren't any Hot Shots then what's a game about it nothing no game has Dr Thunder written to your parents yet old Spencer asked me he said he was going to write them Monday have you yourself communicated with them no sir I haven't communicated with them because I'll probably see them Wednesday night when I get home and how do you think they'll take the news well they'll be pretty irritated about it I said they really will this is about the fourth School I've gone to I shook my head I shake my head quite a lot boy I said I also say boy quite a lot partly because I have a lousy vocabulary and partly because I act quite young for my age sometimes I was 16 then and I'm 17 now and sometimes I act like I'm about 13 it's really ironical because I'm 6'2 and a half and I have gray hair I really do the one side of my head the right side is full of millions of gray hairs I've had them ever since I was a kid and yet I still act sometimes like I was only about 12 everybody says that especially my father it's partly true too but it isn't all true people always think something's all true I don't give a damn except that I get bored sometimes when people tell me to Act My Age sometimes I act a lot older older than I am I really do but people never notice it people never notice anything old Spencer started nodding again he also started picking his nose he made out like he was only pinching it but he was really getting the old thumb right in there I guess he thought it was all right to do because it was only me that was in the room I I didn't care except that it's pretty disgusting to watch somebody pick their nose then he said I had the privilege of meeting with your mother and dad when they had their little chat with Dr thumer some weeks ago they're Grand people yes they are they're very nice Grand that's a word I really hate it's a phony I could puke every time I hear it then all of a sudden old Spencer looked like he had something very good something sharp as a tack to say to me he sat up more in his chair and sort of moved around it was a false alarm though all he did was lift the Atlantic Monthly off his lap and try to Chuck it on the bed next to me he missed it was only about 2 in away but he missed anyway I got up and picked it up and put it down on the bed all of a sudden then I wanted to get the hell out of the room I could feel a terrific lecture coming on I didn't mind the idea so much but I didn't feel like being lectured to and smell Vic's nose drops and look at old Spencer in his pajamas and bathrobe all at the same time I really didn't it started all right what's the matter with you boy old Spencer said he said it pretty tough too for him how many subjects did you carry this term five sir five and how many are you failing in four I moved my ass a little bit on the bed it was the hardest bed I ever sat on I passed English all right I said because I had all that Bale wolf and Lord Randall my son stuff when I was at the Wooten school I mean I didn't have to do any work in English at all hardly except write compositions once in a while he wasn't even listening he hardly ever listened to you when you said something I flunked you in history because you knew absolutely nothing I know that sir boy I know it you couldn't help it absolutely nothing he said over again that's something that drives me crazy when people say something twice that way after you admit it the first time then he said it three times but absolutely nothing I doubt very much if you opened your textbook even once the whole term did you tell the truth boy well I sort of glanced through it a couple of times I told him I didn't want to hurt his feelings he was mad about history you glanced through it a he said very sarcastic your uh exam paper is over there on the top of my chiffer on top of the pile bring it here please it was a very dirty trick but I went over and brought it to him I didn't have any alternative or anything then I sat down on his cement bed again boy you can't imagine how sorry I was getting that I'd stopped by to say goodbye to him he started handling my exam paper like it was a turret or something we studied the Egyptians from November 4th to December 2nd he said you chose to write about them for the optional essay question would you care to hear what you had to say uh no sir not very much I said he read it anyway though you can't stop a teacher when they want to do something they just do it the Egyptians were an ancient race of caucasians residing in one of the northern sections of Africa the latter as we all know is the largest continent in the Eastern hemisphere I had to sit there and listen to that crap it certainly was a dirty trick the Egyptians are extremely interesting to us today for various reasons modern science would still like to know what the secret ingredients were that the Egyptians used when they wrapped up dead people so that their faces would not rot for innumerable centuries this interesting riddle is still quite a challenge to modern science in the 20th century he stopped reading and put my paper down I was beginning to sort of hate him your essay shall we say ends there he said in this very sarcastic voice you wouldn't think such an old guy would be so sarcastic and all however you dropped me a little note at the bottom of the page he said I know I did I said I said it very fast because I wanted him to stop before he started reading that out loud but you couldn't stop him he was hot as a firecracker Dear Mr Spencer he read out loud that is all I know about the Egyptians I can't seem to get very interested in them although your lectures are very interesting it is all right with me if you flunk me though as I am flunking everything else except English anyway Respectfully yours Holden Coffield he put my godamn paper down and then looked at me like he just beating the hell out of me in pingpong or something I don't think I'll ever forgive him for reading me that crap out loud I wouldn't have read it out loud to him if he'd written it I really wouldn't in the first place I'd only written that damn note so that he wouldn't feel too bad about flunking me do you blame me for flunking you boy he said no sir I certainly don't I said I wish the HD stop calling me boy all the time he tried chucking my exam paper on the bed when he was through with it only he missed again naturally I had to get up again and pick it up and put it on the top of the Atlantic Monthly it's boring to do that every 2 minutes what would you have done in my place he said tell the truth boy well you could see he really felt pretty lousy about flunking me so I shot the blll for a while I told him I was a real [ __ ] and all that stuff I told him how I I would have done exactly the same thing if I'd been in his place and how most people didn't appreciate how tough it is being a teacher that kind of stuff the old bull the funny thing is though I was sort of thinking of something else while I shot the bull I live in New York and I was thinking about the Lagoon in Central Park down near Central Park South I was wondering if it would be frozen over when I got home and if it was where did the Ducks go I was wondering where the ducks went when the Lagoon got all icy and frozen over I wondered if some guy came in a truck and took them away to a zoo or something or if they just flew away I'm lucky though I mean I could shoot the old bow to Old Spencer and think about those ducks at the same time it's funny you don't have to think too hard when you talk to a teacher all of a sudden though he interrupted me while I was shooting the bull he was always interrupting you how do you feel about all this boy I'd be very interested to know very interested you mean about my flunking out a peny and all I said I sort of wished he'd cover up his bumpy chest it wasn't such a beautiful view if I'm not mistaken I believe believe you also had some difficulty at the Wooten school and at Elton Hills he didn't say it just sarcastic but sort of nasty too I didn't have too much difficulty at Elton Hills I told him I didn't exactly flunk out or anything I just quit sort of why may I ask why oh well it's it's a long story sir I mean it's pretty complicated I didn't feel like going into the whole thing with him he wouldn't have understood it anyway well wasn't up his alley at all one of the biggest reasons I left Elton Hills was because I was surrounded by phonies that's all they were coming in the goddamn window for instance they had this Headmaster Mr hos that was the phoniest bastard I ever met in my life 10 times worse than old thurer on Sundays for instance old hos went around shaking hands with everybody's parents when they drove up to school he'd be Charming as hell and all except if some boy had little old funny looking parents you should have seen the way he did with my roommate's parents I mean if a boy's mother was sort of fat or corny looking or something and if somebody's father is one of those guys that wear those suits with the very big shoulders and corny black and white shoes then old Hans would just shake hands with them and give them a phony smile and then he'd go talk for maybe a half an hour with somebody else's parents I can't stand that stuff it drives me crazy it makes me so depressed I go crazy I hated that goddamn Elkton Hills old Spencer asked me something then but I didn't hear him I was thinking about old H what sir I said do you have any particular qualms about leaving peny oh I have a few qualms all right sure but not too many I guess it hasn't really hit me yet it takes things a while to hit me all I'm doing right now is thinking about going home Wednesday I'm a [ __ ] do you feel absolutely no concern for your future boy oh I feel some concern for my future all right sure I thought about it for a minute but not too much I guess not too much I guess you will old Spencer said you will boy you will when it's too late I didn't like hearing him say that made me sound dead or something it was very depressing I guess I will I said I'd like to put some sense in that head of yours boy I'm trying to help you I'm trying to help you if I can he really was too you could see that but it was just that we were too much on opposite sides of the pole that's all I know you are sir I said thanks a lot no kidding I appreciate it I really do I got up from the bed then boy I couldn't have sat there another 10 minutes to save my life the thing is though I've got to get going now I have quite a bit of equipment at the gym I have to go take home with me I really do he looked up at me and started nodding again with a very serious look on his face I felt sorry as hell for him all of a sudden but I just couldn't hang around there any longer the way we were on opposite sides of the pole and the way he kept missing the bed whenever he chucked something at it and his sad old bathrobe with his chest showing and that gripy smell of Vick's nose drops all over the place look sir don't worry about me I said I mean it I'll be all right I'm just going through a phase right now everybody goes through phases and all don't they I don't know boy I don't know I hate it when somebody answers that way sure sure they do I said I mean it sir please don't worry about me I sort of put my hand on his shoulder okay I said wouldn't you like a cup of hot chocolate before you go Mrs Spencer would be I would I really would but the thing is I have to get going I have to go right to the gym thanks though thanks a lot sir then we shook hands and all that crap it made me feel sad as hell though I'll drop you a line sir take care you're GP now goodbye boy after I shut the door and started back to the living room he yelled something at me but I couldn't exactly hear him I'm pretty sure he yelled good luck at me I hope the hell not I'd never yell good luck at anybody it sounds terrible when you think about it chapter three I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life it's awful I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine even and somebody asks me where I'm going I'm liable to say I'm going to the Opera it's terrible so when I told old Spencer I had to go to the gym and get my equipment and stuff that was a sheer lie I don't even keep my God damn equipment in the gym where I lived at peny I lived at the awom Berger Memorial wing of the new dorms it was only for juniors and seniors I was a junior my roommate was a senior it was named after this guy awen Berger that went to peny he made a pot of dough in the undertaking business after he got out of peny what he did he started these undertaking parlors all over the country that you could get members of your family buried for about like five bucks a piece you should see old awen Berger you prob just shoves him in a sack and dumps him in the river anyway he gave peny a pile of dough and they named our wing after him the first football game of the year he came up to school in this big goddamn Cadillac and we all to stand up in the grand stand and give him a locomotive that's a cheer then the next morning in Chapel he made a speech that lasted about 10 hours he started off with about 50 corny jokes just to show us what a regular guy he was very big deal then he started telling us about how he was was never ashamed when he was in some kind of trouble or something to get right down on his knees and pray to God he told us we should always pray to God talk to him in All wherever we were he told us we ought to think of Jesus as our buddy and all he said he talked to Jesus all the time even when he was driving his car that killed me I just see that big phony bastard shifting into first gear and asking Jesus to send him a few more stiffs the only good part of his speech was right in the middle of it he was telling us all about what a swell guy he was what a hot shot and all then all of a sudden this guy sitting in the row in front of me Edgar marcala laid this terrific fart it was a very crude thing to do in Chapel and all but it was also quite amusing old marcala he damn near blew the roof off hardly anybody laughed out loud and old awom Berger made out like he didn't even hear it but old thurmer the Headmaster was sitting right next to him on the roster and all and you could tell he heard it boy he was sore he didn't say anything then but the next night he made us have a compulsory study hall in the academic building and he came up and made a speech he said that the boy that created the disturbance in Chapel wasn't fit to go to pensy we tried to get old marcala to rip off another one right when old thurmer was making his speech but he wasn't in the right mood anyway that's where I lived at old awesom Burger Memorial Wing in the new dorms it was pretty nice to get back to my room after I left old Spencer because everybody was down at the game and the heat was on in our room for a change it felt sort of cozy I took off my coat and my tie and unbuttoned my shirt collar and then I put on this hat that i' bought in New York that morning it was this red hunting hat with one of those very very long Peaks I saw it in the window of the sports store when we got out of the subway just after I'd noticed I'd lost lost all the goddamn foils it only cost me a buck the way I wore it I swung the old Peak around to the back very corny I'll admit but I liked it that way I looked good in it that way then I got this book I was reading and sat down in my chair they were two chairs in every room I had one and my roommate Ward strad ladder had one the arms were in bad shape because everybody was always sitting on them but they were pretty comfortable chairs the book I was reading was this book I took out of the library by m they gave me the wrong book and I didn't notice till I got back to my room they gave me out of Africa by Isaac Dennison I thought it was going to stink but it didn't it was a very good book I'm quite illiterate but I I read a lot my favorite author is my brother DB and my next favorite is ring lardner my brother gave me a book by ring lardner for my birthday just before I went to peny it had these very funny crazy plays in it and then it had this one story about a traffic cop that falls in love with this very cute girl that's always speeding only he's married the cop so he can't marry her or anything then this girl gets killed because she's always speeding that story just about killed me what I like best is a book that's at least funny once in a while I read a lot of classic books like the return of the Native and all and I like them and I read a lot of war books and Mysteries and all but they don't knock me out too much what really knocks me out is a book that when you're done reading it you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it that doesn't happen much though I wouldn't mind calling this Isaac Dennison up and ring Larder except that DB told me he's dead you take that book of human bondage by Somerset Maham though I read it last summer it's a pretty good book and all but I wouldn't want to call Somerset Maham up I don't know he just isn't the kind of guy I'd want to call up that's all I'd rather call old Thomas Hardy up I like that ustas of I anyway I put on my new hat and sat down and started reading that book Out of Africa I'd read it already but I wanted to read certain parts over again I'd only read about three pages though when I heard somebody coming through the shower curtains even without looking up I knew right away who it was it was Robert akley this guy that roomed right next to me there was a shower right between every two rooms in our wing and about 85 times a day old akley barged in on me he was probably the only guy in the whole dorm besides me that wasn't down at the game he hardly ever went anywhere he was a very peculiar guy he was a senior and he'd been at peny the whole four years and all but nobody ever called him anything except akley not even herb Gail his own roommate ever called him Bob or even a if he ever gets married his own wife will probably call him Ackley he was one of those very very tall round shouldered guys he was about 6'4 with lousy teeth the whole time he roomed next to me I never even once saw him brush his teeth they always looked Mossy and awful and he damn near made you sick if you saw him in the dining room with his mouth full of mashed potatoes or peas or something besides that he had a lot of pimples not just on his forehead or his chin like most guys but all over his face and not only that he had a terrible personality he was also sort of a nasty guy I wasn't too crazy about him to tell you the truth I could feel him standing on the shower ledge right behind my chair taking a look to see if strad ladder was around he hated strad ladder's guts and he never came in the room if strad ladder was around he hated everybody's guts damn near he came down off the shower ledge and came in the room hi he said he always said it like he was terrifically bored or terrifically tired he didn't want you to think he was visiting you or anything he wanted you to think he'd come in by mistake for God's sake hi I said but I didn't look up from my book with a guy like akley if you looked up from your book you were a goner you were a goner anyway but not as quick if he didn't look up right away he started walking around the room very slow and all the way he always did picking up your personal stuff off your desk and chiffer he always picked up your personal stuff and looked at it boy could he get on your nerves sometimes how is the fencing he said he just wanted me to quit reading and enjoying myself he didn't give a damn about the fencing we win or what he said nobody won I said without looking up though what he said he always made you say everything twice nobody W I said I sneaked a look to see what he was fiddling around with on my chiffer he was looking at this picture of this girl I used to go around with in New York Sally Hayes he must have picked up that goddamn picture and looked at it at least five thousand times since I got it he always puts it back in the wrong place too when he was finished he did it on purpose you could tell nobody won he said how come I left the godamn foils and stuff on the subway I still didn't look up at him on the subway for Christ's sake you lost them you mean we got in the wrong Subway I had to keep getting up to look at the goddamn map on the wall he came over and stood right in my light hey I said I've read the same sentence about 20 times since you came in anybody else except aley would have taken the goddamn hint not him though think they'll make you pay for them he said I don't know and I don't give a damn how about sitting down or something ale kid you're right in my godamn light he didn't like it when you called him Ally kid he was always telling me I was a goddamn kid because I was 16 and he was 18 it drove him mad when I called him a kid he kept standing there he was exactly the kind of guy that wouldn't get out of your light when you asked him to he'd do it finally but it took him a lot longer if you asked him to what the hell you reading he asked godamn book he shoved my book back with his hand so he could see the name of it any good he said this sentence I'm reading is terrific I can be quite sarcastic when I'm in the mood he didn't get it though he started walking around the room again picking up all my personal stuff and strad ladders finally I put my book down on the floor you couldn't read anything with a guy like aley around it was impossible I slid way the hell down in my chair and watched old aley making himself at home I was feeling sort of tired from the trip to New York and all and I started yawning then I started horsing around a little bit sometimes I Horse Around quite a lot just to keep from getting bored what I did was I pulled the old peak of my hunting hat around to the front then pulled it way down over my eyes that way I couldn't see a goddamn thing I think I'm going blind I said In This Very horar voice mother darling everything's getting so dark in here you're nuts I swear to God aley said mother darling give me your hand why won't you give me a hand for Christ's sakes grow up I started groping around in front of me like a blind guy but without getting up or anything I kept saying mother darling why don't you give me your hand but I was only horing around naturally that stuff gives me a bang sometimes besides I know it annoyed hell out of old AI he always brought out the old sadist in me I was pretty sadistic with him quite often finally I quit it though I pulled the peak around the back again and relaxed Who belongs to this akley said he was holding my roommate's knee supporter up to show me that guy actly pick up anything he'd even pick up your jock strap or something I told him it was strad lad's so he chucked it on strad ladder's bed he got it off strad ladder chiffer so he chucked it on the bed he came over and sat down on the arm of strad ladder's chair he never sat down in a chair just always on the arm where the hell did you get the Hat he said New York how much a buck you got robbed he started cleaning his goddamn fingernails with the end of a match he was always cleaning his fingernails it was funny in a way his teeth were always Mossy looking and his ears were always dirty as hell but he was always cleaning his fingernails I guess he thought that made him a very neat guy up home we wear a hat like that to shoot deer in for Christ's sake he said that's a that's a deer shooting hat like hell it is I took it off and looked at it I sort of closed one eye like I was taking aim at it this is a people shooting hat I said I shoot people in this hat your folks know you got kicked out yet nope where the hell is strad ladder at anyway down at the game name he's got a date I yawned I was yawning all over the place for one thing the room was too damn hot it made you sleepy at peny you either froze to death or died to the heat the great strad ladder aley said hey let me your scissors a second will you you got them handy no I packed them already they're way in the top of the closet get him a second will you aley said I got this hangnail I want to cut it off he didn't care if you packed something or not and had it way in the top of the closet I got them for him though I nearly got killed doing it to the second I opened the closet door strad ladder's tennis racket and its wooden press and all fell right on my head made a big clunk and it hurt like hell the damn near killed Old Ale though he started laughing in this very high false HTO voice he kept laughing the whole time I was taking down my suitcase and getting the scissors out for him something like that a guy getting hit on the head with a rock or something tick P the pants off aley you have a good sense of humor ale kid I told him you know that I handed him the scissors let me be your manager I'll get you on the goddamn radio I sat down in my chair again he started cutting his big horny looking nails how about using the table or something I said cut him over the table will you I don't feel like walking on your crummy nails and my bare feet tonight he kept right on cutting them over the floor though what lousy manners I mean it who strad lighter's datee he said he was always keeping tabs on who strad lighter was dating even though he hated strad lighter's guts I don't know why no reason boy I can't stand that son of a [ __ ] he's one he's one son of a [ __ ] I really can't stand he's crazy about you he told me he thinks you're a goddamn Prince I said I call people a prince quite often when I'm horsing around keeps me from getting bored or something he's got this Superior attitude all the time aley said I just can't stand the son of a [ __ ] you think he' do you mind cutting your nails over the table hey I said I've asked you about 50 he's got this goddamn Superior attitude all the time ale said I don't even think the son of a [ __ ] is intelligent he thinks he is he thinks he's about the most akly for Christ sakes will you please cut your crummy Nails over the table I've asked you 50 times he started cutting his nails over the table for a change the only way he ever did anything was if he yelled at him I watched him for a while then I said the reason you're sore it strad ladder is because he said that stuff about brushing your teeth once in a while he didn't mean to insult you for crying out loud he didn't say it right or anything but he didn't mean anything insulting all he meant was you'd look better and feel better if you sort of brushed your teeth once in a while I brushed my teeth don't give me that no you don't I've seen you and you don't I said I didn't say it nasty though I felt sort of sorry for him in a way I mean it isn't too nice naturally if somebody tells you you don't brush your teeth strad ladder's all right he's not too bad I said you don't know him that's the trouble I still say he's a son of a [ __ ] he's a conceited son of a [ __ ] he's conceited but he's very generous in some things he really is look suppose for instance strad ladder was wearing a tie or something that you liked say he had on a tie that you liked a hell of a lot I'm just giving you an example now you know what he'd do he'd probably take it off and give it to you you really would or you know what he'd do he'd leave it on your bed or something but he'd give you the goddamn time most people probably just hell aley said if I had his dough I would too no you wouldn't I shook my head no you wouldn't ale kid if you had his dough you'd be one of the biggest stop calling me aley kid God damn it I'm old enough to be your lousy father no you're not boy he could really be aggravating sometimes he never missed a chance to tell you you were 16 and he was 18 in the first place I wouldn't even let you in my goddamn family I said well just cut out calling me all of a sudden the door opened an old strad ladder barged in in a big hurry he was always in a big hurry everything was a very big deal he came over to me and gave me these two playful as hell slaps on both cheeks which is something that can be very annoying listen he said you going out anywhere special tonight I don't know I might what the hell is it doing out snowing he had snow all over his coat yeah listen if you're not going out any play special how about uh lending me your hounds tooth jacket who won the game I said it's only the half we're leaving strad ladder said no kidding you going to use your hounds tooth tonight or not I spilled some crap all over my gray flannel no but I don't want you stretching it out with your goddamn shoulders and all I said we were practically the same height but he weighed about twice as much as I did he had these very broad shoulders I won't stretch it he went over to the closet in a big hurry how's the boy akley he said to akley he was at least a pretty friendly guy strad ladder he was partly a phony kind of friendly but at least he always said hello to akley and all aley just sort of grunted when he said how's the boy he wouldn't answer him but he didn't have the guts to not at least grunt then he said to me I think I'll get going and see you later okay I said he never exactly broke your heart when he went back to his own room old strad lighter started taking off his coat and tying and all I think maybe I'll take a fast shave he said he had a pretty heavy beard he really did where's your date I asked him she's waiting in the annex he went out of the room with his toilet kitten and towel under his arm no shirt on or anything he always walked around in his bare torso because he thought he had a damn good build he did too I have to admit it chapter 4 I didn't have anything special to do so I went down to the can and chewed the rag with him while he was shaving we were the only ones in the can because everybody was still down at the game it was hot as hell and the windows were all steamy there were about 10 wash bowls all right against the wall strad ladder had the middle one I sat down in the one right next to him and started turning the cold water on and off this nervous habit I have strad ladder kept Whistling song of India while he shaved he had one of those very piercing whistles that are practically never in tune and he always picked out some song that's hard to whistle even if you're a good whistler like song of India or Slaughter on 10th Avenue he could really mess a song up you remember I said before that akley was a slob in his personal habits well so was strad ladder but in a different way strad ladder was more of a secret slob he always looked all right strad ladder for instance but you should have seen the razor he shaved himself with it was always Rusty as hell and full of lather and hairs and crap he never cleaned it out or anything he always looked good when he finished fixing himself up but he was a secret slob anyway if you knew him the way I did the reason he fixed himself up to look so good was because he was madly in love with himself he thought he was the handsomest guy in the Western Hemisphere he was pretty handsome too I'll admit it but he was mostly the kind of handsome guy that if your parents saw his picture in your yearbook they'd right away say who's this boy I mean he was mostly a yearbook kind of handsome guy I knew a lot of guys at peny I thought were a lot handsomer than strad ladder but they wouldn't look handsome if you saw their pictures in the yearbook it' look like they had big noses or their ears stuck out I've had that experience frequently anyway I was sitting on the wash bowl next to where strad ladder was shaving sort of turning the water on and off I still had my red hunting hat on with a peak turned around the back and all I really got a bang out of that hat hey drad letter said want to do me a big favor what I said not too enthusiastic he was always asking you to do him a big favor you take a very handsome guy or a guy that thinks he's a real hot shot and they're always asking to do them a big favor just because they are crazy abouts they think that you're crazy about them too and you're just dying to do them a favor it's sort of funny in a way you going out tonight he said I might I might not I don't know why I got a 100 pages to read for history for Monday he said how about writing a composition for me for English I'll be up the creek if I don't get the goddamn thing in by Monday the reason I ask how about it it was very ironical it really was I'm the one that's flunking out of the goddamn place and you're asking me to write you a goddamn composition I said yeah I know the thing is though I'll be up the creek if I don't get it in be a buddy be a buddy R okay I didn't answer him right away suspense is good for some bastards like strad ladder what on I said anything anything descriptive uh a room or a house or something you once lived in or something you know just as long as it's descriptive as hell he gave out a big yawn while he said that which is something that gives me a royal pain in the ass I mean if somebody yawns right while they're asking you to do them a goddamn favor just don't do it too good is all he said that son of a [ __ ] Hearts Soul thinks you're a hot shot in English and he knows you're my roommate so I mean don't stick all the commas and stuff in the right place that's something else that gives me a royal pain I mean if you're good at writing compositions and somebody starts talking about commas Strader was always doing that he wanted you to think that the only reason he was lousy at writing compositions was because he stuck all the commas in the wrong places he was a bit like akley in that way I once sat next to akley at this basketball game we had a terrific guy on the team hoe Coy that could sink him from the middle of the floor without even touching the backboard or anything akley kept saying the whole goddamn game that Coyle had a perfect build for basketball God how I hate that stuff I got bored sitting on that wash Bowl after a while so I backed up a few feet and started doing this tap dance just for the hell of it I was just amusing myself I can't really tap dance or anything but it was a stone floor in the can and it was good for tap dancing I started imitating one of those guys in the movies and one of those musicals I hate the movies like poison but I get a bang out of imitating them old strad lter watched me in the mirror while while he was shaving all I needs an audience I'm an exhibitionist I'm the goddamn Governor son I said I was knocking myself out tap dancing all over the place he doesn't want me to be a tap dancer he wants me to go to Oxford but it's in my goddamn blood tap dancing old strad letter laughed he didn't have too bad a sense of humor it's the opening night of the zigfield Folly I was getting out of breath I have hardly any wind at all the leading man can't go on he's drunk as a bastard so who do they get to take his place me that's who the little old godamn governor's son where'd you get that hat STD lighter said he meant my hunting hat he'd never seen it before I was out of breath anyway so I quit horsing around I took off my hat and looked at it for about the 19th time I got it in New York this morning for a buck you like it strad lighter nodded sharp he said he was only flattering me though because right away he said listen are you going to write that composition for me I have to know if I get time I will if I don't I won't I said I went over and sat down at the wash bowl next to him again uh who's your date I asked him Fitzgerald hell no I told you I'm through with that pig yeah give her to me no kidding she's my type take her she's too old for you all of a sudden For No Good Reason really except that I was sort of in the mood for horsing around I felt like jumping off the wash bowl and getting old Strat ladder and a half Nelson that's a wrestling hold in case you don't know where you get the other guy around the neck and choke him to death if you feel like it so I did it I landed on him like a goddamn Panther cut it out Holden for Christ's sake strad lder said he didn't feel like horsing around he was shaving and all what do you want to make me do cut my goddamn head off I didn't let go though I had a pretty good half Nelson on him liberate yourself from my face like grip I said Jesus Christ he put down his razor and all of a sudden jerked his arms up and broke my hold on him he was a very strong guy guy I'm a very weak guy now cut out the crap he said he started shaving himself all over again he always shaved himself twice to look gorgeous with his crummy old razor who's your date if it isn't Fitzgerald I asked him I sat down in the wash bowl next to him again that Phyllis Smith babe no it was supposed to be but the arrangement got all screwed up I got bud thaws girl's roommate now hey I almost forgot she knows you who does I said my date yeah I said what's her name I was pretty interested uh I'm thinking uh Jean Gallagher boy I nearly dropped dead when he said that Jane Gallagher I said I even got up from the wash Bowl when he said that I damn near dropped dead you're damn right I know her she practically lived next door to me the summer before last she had this big damn doberman pincher that that's how I met her her dog used to keep coming over and her you're right in my light holding for Christ's sake Brad ladder said you have to stand right there boy was I excited though I really was where is she I asked him I ought to go down and say hello to her or something where is she in the annex yeah how'd she happen to mention me does she go to BM now she said she might go there she said she might go to Shipley too I thought she went to Shipley how'd she happen to mention me I was pretty excited I really was I don't know for Christ's sake lift up will you you're on my towel strad ladder said I was sitting on a stupid towel Jane Gallagher I said I couldn't get over it Jesus H Christ old strad ladder was putting Vitalis on his hair my Vitalis she's a dancer I said ballet and all she used to practice about two hours every day right in the middle of the hottest weather and all she was worried that it might make her legs lousy all thick and all I used to play Checkers with her all the time you used to play what with her all the time Checkers Checkers for Christ's sake yeah she wouldn't move any of her Kings what' she do when she'd get a king she wouldn't move it she' just leave it in the back row she'd get them all lined up in the back row then she'd never use them she just liked the way they looked when they were all in the back row strid letter didn't say anything that kind of stuff doesn't interest most people her mother belonged to the same club we did I said I used to caddy once in a while just to make some dough I caddied for her mother a couple times she went around in about 170 for nine holes strad ladder wasn't hardly listening he was combing his gorgeous locks I ought to go down and at least say hello to her I said said why don't you I will in a minute he started parting his hair all over again took him about an hour to comb his hair her mother and father were divorced her mother was married again to some Booz Hound I said skinny guy with hairy legs I remember him he wore shorts all the time Jane said he was supposed to be a playwright or some goddamn thing but all I ever saw him do was booze all the time and listen to every single goddamn mystery program on the radio and run around the goddamn house naked with Jane around and all yeah Str ladder said that really interested him about the booze hound running around the house naked with Jane around strad ladder was a very sexy bastard she had a lousy childhood I'm not kidding that didn't interest stradlater though only very sexy stuff interested him Jane Gallagher Jesus I couldn't get her off my mind I really couldn't I ought to go down and say hello to her at least why the hell don't you instead of keep saying it strad ladder said I walked over to the window but you couldn't see out of it it was so steamy from all the heat in the can I'm not in the right uh mood right now I said I wasn't either you have to be in the mood for those things I thought she went to Shipley I could have sworn she went to Shipley I walked around the can for a little while I didn't have anything else to do did she enjoy the game I said yeah I guess so I don't know did she tell you we used to play Checkers all the time or anything I don't know for Christ's sake I only just met her stad ladder said he was finished combing his goddamn Gorgeous Hair he was putting away all his crummy toilet articles listen give her my regards will you okay strad ladder said but I knew he probably wouldn't you take a guy like strad ladder they never give you regards to people he went back to the room but I stuck around in the can for a while thinking about old Jane then I went back to the room too strad ladder was putting on his tie in front of the mirror when I got there he spent about half his goddamn life in front of in the mirror I sat down in my chair and sort of watched him for a while hey I said don't tell her I got kicked out will you okay that was one good thing about strad ladder you didn't have to explain every goddamn little thing with him the way he had to do with akley mostly I guess cuz he wasn't too interested that's really why aley was different aley was a very nosy bastard he put on my hounds tooth jacket GE Jesus now try not to stretch it all over the place I said I'd only warn it about twice I won't where the hell's my cigarettes on the desk he never knew where he left anything under your muffler he put them in his coat pocket my coat pocket I pulled the peak of my hunting hat around the front all of a sudden for a change I was getting sort of nervous all of a sudden I'm quite a nervous guy listen where you going on your date with her I asked him you know yet I don't know New York if we have time time she only signed out for 9:30 for Christ's sake I didn't like the way he said it so I said the reason she did that she probably just didn't know what a handsome charming bastard you are if she'd known she probably would have signed out for 9:30 in the morning goddamn right strd ladder said you couldn't rile him too easily he was too conceited no kidding now do that composition for me he said he had his coat on and was all ready to go don't knock yourself out or anything but just make it descriptive as hell okay I didn't answer him I didn't feel like it all I said was ask her if she still keeps all her kings in the back row okay drad letterer said but I knew he wouldn't take it easy now he banged the hell out of the room I sat there for about a half hour after he left I mean I just sat in my chair not doing anything I kept thinking about Jane and about strad ladder having a date with her and all it made me so nervous I nearly went crazy I already told you what a sexy bastard strad ladder was all of a sudden aiy banged back in again through the damn shower curtains as usual for once in my stupid life I was really glad to see him he took my mind off the other stuff he stuck around until around dinner time talking about all the guys at peny that he hated their guts and squeezing this big pimple on his chin he didn't even use his handkerchief I don't even think the bastard had a handkerchief if you want to know the truth I never saw him use one anyway chapter 5 we always had the same meal on Saturday nights at peny it was supposed to be a big deal because they gave you steak I'll bet a, bucks the reason they did that was because a lot of guys parents came up to school on Sunday and old thurmer probably figured everybody's mother would ask their darling boy what he had for dinner last night and he'd say Stak what a racket you should have seen the stakes they were these little hard dry jobs that you could hardly even cut you always got these very lumpy mashed potatoes on steak night and for dessert you got brown Betty which nobody ate except maybe the little kids in the lower school that didn't know any better and guys like akley that ate everything it was nice though when we got out of the dining room there were about 3 Ines of snow on the ground and it was still coming down like a madman it looked pretty as hell we all started throwing snowballs and horsing around all over the place it was very childish but everybody was really enjoying themselves I didn't have a date or anything so I and this friend of mine Mal Brossard that was on the wrestling team decided we'd take a bus into AER toown and have a hamburger and maybe see a lousy movie neither of us felt like sitting around on our ass all night I asked Mal if he minded if akley came along with us the reason I asked was because aley never did anything on Saturday night except stay in his room and squeeze his pimples or something Mal said he didn't mind but that he wasn't too crazy about the idea IDE he didn't like ale much anyway we both went to our rooms to get ready and all and while I was putting on my gashes and crap I yelled over and asked old akley if he wanted to go to the movies he could hear me all right through the shower curtains but he didn't answer me right away he was the kind of a guy that hates to answer you right away finally he came over through the godamn curtain and stood on the shower ledge and asked who was going besides me he always had to know who was going I swear if that guy was Shipwrecked somewhere and you rest resued him in a goddamn boat he'd want to know who the guy was that was rowing it before he'd even get in I told him Mal brard was going he said that bastard all right wait a second you think he was doing you a big favor it took him about 5 hours to get ready while he was doing it I went over to my window and opened it and packed a snowball with my bare hands the snow was very good for packing I didn't throw it or anything though I started to throw it at a car that was parked across the street but I changed my mind the car looked so nice and white then I started to throw it at a hydrant but that looked too nice and white too finally I didn't throw it at anything all I did was close the window and walk around the room with the snowball packing it harder a little while later I still had it with me when I am Brossard and aley got on the bus the bus driver opened the doors and made me throw it out I told him I wasn't going to Chuck it at anybody but he wouldn't believe me people never believe you Brossard and akley both had seen the picture that was playing so all we did we just had a couple of hamburgers and played the pinball machine for a little while then took the bus back to peny I didn't care about not seeing the movie anyway it was supposed to be a comedy with Carrie Grant in it and all that crap besides I'd been to the movies with Brossard and aley before they both laughed like hyenas at stuff that wasn't even funny I didn't even enjoy sitting next to them in the movies it was only about A4 to 9 when we got back to the dorm old Brossard was a bridge fiend and he start Ed looking around the dorm for a game old akley parked himself in my room just for a change only instead of sitting on the arm of strride lighter's chair he laid down on my bed with his face right on my pillow and all he started talking in this very monotonous voice and picking at all of his pimples I dropped about a thousand hints but I couldn't get rid of him all he did was keep talking in this very monotonous voice about some babe he was supposed to have had sexual intercourse with the summer before he'd already told me about it about a hundred times every time he told it it was different one minute he'd be giving it to her in his cousin's Buick the next minute he'd be giving it to her under some Boardwalk it was all a lot of crap naturally he was a virgin if I ever saw one I doubt if he ever even gave anybody a feel anyway finally I had to come right out and tell him that I had to write a composition for strad ladder and that he had to clear the hell out so I could concentrate he finally did but he took his time about it as usual after he left I put on my pajamas and bathrobe and my old old hunting hat and started writing the composition the thing was I couldn't think of a room or a house or anything to describe the way strad ler said he had to have I'm not too crazy about describing rooms and houses anyway so what I did I wrote about my brother Allie's baseball M it was a very descriptive subject it really was my brother Ally had this left-handed fielders mitt he was left-handed the thing that was descriptive about it though was that he had poems written all over the fingers and the pockets and everywhere in green ink he wrote them on it said he'd have something to read when he was in the field and nobody was up a bat he's dead now he got leukemia and died when we were up in Maine on July 18 1946 you'd have liked him he was 2 years younger than I was but he was about 50 times as intelligent he was terrifically intelligent his teachers were always writing letters my mother telling her what a pleasure it was having a boy like Aly in their class and they weren't just shooting the crap they really meant it but it wasn't just that he was the most intelligent member in the family he was also the nicest in a lot of ways he never got mad at anybody people with red hair is supposed to get mad very easily but Ally never did and he had very red hair I'll tell you what kind of red hair he had I started playing golf when I was only 10 years old I remember once the summer I was around 12 teeing off and all and having a hunch that if I turned around all of a sudden I'd see Ally so I did and sure enough he was sitting on his bike outside the fence there was this fence that went all around the course and he was sitting there about 150 yds behind me watching me tea off that's the kind of red hair he had God he was a nice kid though he used to laugh so hard at something he thought of at the dinner table that he just about fell off his chair I was only 13 and they were going to have me psychoanalyzed and all because I broke all the windows in the garage I don't blame them I really don't I slept in the garage the night he died and I broke all the godamn window windows with my fist just for the hell of it I even tried to break all the windows with the station wagon we had that summer but my hand was already broken and everything by that time and I just couldn't do it it was a very stupid thing to do I'll admit but I hardly didn't even know I was doing it and you didn't know Aly my hand still hurts me once in a while when it rains and all and I can't make a real fist anymore not a tight one I mean but outside of that I don't care much I mean I'm not going to be a goddamn surgeon or a violinist or anything anyway anyway that's what I wrote strad ladder's composition about old Allie's baseball mitt I happened to have it with me in my suitcase so I got it out and copied down the poems that were written on it all I had to do was change alie's name so that nobody would know it was my brother or not strad ladders I wasn't too crazy about doing it but I couldn't think of anything else descriptive besides I sort of liked writing about it it took me about an hour because I had to use strad ladder's lousy typewriter and it kept jamming on me the reason I didn't use my own was because I'd lend to a guy down the hall it was about 10:30 I guess when I finished it I wasn't tired though so I looked out the window for a while it wasn't snowing out anymore but every once in a while you could hear a car somewhere not being able to get started you could also hear old aley snoring right through the goddamn shower curtains you could hear him he had sinus trouble and he couldn't breathe too hot when he was asleep the guy had just about everything sinus trouble pimples lousy teeth hosis crummy fingernails you had to feel a little sorry for the crazy son of a [ __ ] some things are hard to remember I'm thinking now of when strad ladder got back from his date with Jane I mean I can't remember exactly what I was doing when I heard his goddamn stupid footsteps coming down the corridor I probably was still looking out the window but I swear I can't remember I was so damn worried that's why when I really worry about something I don't just fool around I even have to go to the bathroom when I worry about something only I don't go I'm too worried to go I don't want to interrupt my worrying to go if you knew strad ladder you'd have been worried too I double dated with the bastard a couple of times and I know what I'm talking about he was unscrupulous he really was anyway the corridor was all lenium and all and you could hear his goddamn footsteps coming right towards the room I don't even remember where I was sitting when he came in at the window or in my chair or his I swear I can't remember he came in griping about how cold it was out then he said where the hell is it everybody it's like a goddamn morg around here I didn't even bother to answer him if he was so godamn stupid not to realize it was Saturday night and everybody was out or asleep or home for the weekend I wasn't going to break my neck telling him he started getting undressed he didn't say one godamn word about Jane not one neither did I I just watched him all he did was thank me for letting him wear my hounds tooth he hung it up on a hanger and put it in the closet then when he was taking off his tie he asked me if I'd written his godamn composition for him I told him it was over on his godamn bed he walked over and read it while he was unbuttoning his shirt he stood there reading it and sort of stroking his bare chest and stomach with his very stupid expression on his face he was always stroking his stomach or his chest he was mad about himself all of a sudden he said for Christ's sake Holden this is about a goddamn baseball glove so what I said cold as hell what do you mean so what I told you it had to be about a goddamn room or a house or something you said it had to be descriptive what the hell is the difference if it's about a baseball glove godamn it he was sore as hell he was really Furious you always do everything back asswards he looked at me no wonder you're flunking the hell out of here he said you don't do one damn thing the way you're supposed to I mean it not one damn thing all right give it back to me then I said I went over and pulled it right out of his goddamn hand and I tore it up what the hell you do that for he said I didn't even answer him I just threw the pieces in the waist basket then I laid down on my bed and we both didn't say anything for a long time he got all undressed down to his shorts and I lay on my bed and lit a cigarette you weren't allowed to smoke in the dorm but you could do it late at night when everybody was asleep or out and nobody could smell the smoke besides I did it to a noise strad ladder it drove him crazy when you broke any rules he never smoked in the dorm it was only me he still didn't say one single s solitary word about Jane So finally I said you're back pretty godamn late if she only signed out for 9:30 did J her be late signing in he was sitting on the edge of his bed cutting his goddamn toenails when I asked him that couple of minutes he said who the hell signs out for 9:30 on a Saturday night God how I hated him did you go to New York I said you crazy how the hell could we go to New York if she only signed out for 9:30 that's tough he looked up at me listen he said if you're going to smoke in the room how about going down to the can and do it you may be getting the hell out of here but I have to stick around long enough to graduate I ignored him I really did I went right on smoking like a mad man all I did was sort of turn over on my side and watched him cut his damn toenails what a school you were always watching somebody cut their damn toenails or squeeze their pimples or something did you give her my regards I asked him yeah the hell he did the bastard bastard what did she say I said did you ask her if she still keeps all her kings in the back row no I didn't ask her what the hell do you think we did all night play checkers for Christ's sake I didn't even answer him God how I hated him if you didn't go to New York where where'd you go with her I asked him after a little while I could hardly keep my voice from shaking all over the place boy was I getting nervous I just had a feeling something had gone funny he was finished cutting his damn toenails so he got up from the bed and just his damn shorts and all and started getting very damn playful he came over to my bed and started leaning over me and taking these playful as hell socks at my shoulder cut it out I said where'd you go if you didn't go to New York nowhere we just sat in the goddamn car he gave me another one of those playful stupid little socks on the shoulder cut it out I said whose car Ed bankies Ed Banky was the basketball coach at peny Old strad ladder was one of his pets because he was the center of the team and Ed Banky always let him borrow his car when he wanted it it wasn't allowed for students to borrow faculty guys cars but all the athletic bastards stuck together in every school I've gone to all the athletic bastards stick together strid letter kept taking these shadow punches down at my shoulder he had his toothbrush in his hand and he put it in his mouth well what did you do I said give her the time and it bank's goddamn car my voice was shaking something awful what a thing to say want want me to wash your mouth out with soap did you that's a professional secret buddy this next part I don't remember so hot all I know is I got up from the bed like I was going down to the can or something and then I tried to Sock him with all my might right smacking the toothbrush so I would split his goddamn throat open only I missed I didn't connect all I did was sort of get him on the side of the head or something it probably hurt him a little bit but not as much as I wanted it probably would have hurt him a lot but I did it with my right hand and I can't make a good fist with that hand on account of the injury I told you about anyway the next thing I knew I was on the goddamn floor and he was sitting on my chest with his face all red that is he had his goddamn knees on my chest and he weighed about a ton he had hold of my wrists too so I couldn't take another sock at him I'd have killed him what the hell's the matter with you he kept saying and his stupid face kept getting redder and redder get your lousy knees off my chest I told him I was almost bald and I really was go on get off of me crummy bastard he wouldn't do it though he kept holding on to my wrist and I kept calling him a son of a [ __ ] and all for around 10 hours I can hardly even remember what all I said to him I told him he thought he could give the time to anybody he felt like I told him he didn't even care if a girl kept all their kings in the back row or not and the reason he didn't care was because he was a goddamn stupid [ __ ] he he hated it when you called him a [ __ ] all morons hate it when you called him a [ __ ] shut up now Holden he said with his big stupid red face just shut up now you don't even know if her first name is Jane or Jean you goddamn [ __ ] now shut up Holden godamn it I'm warning you he said I really had him going if you don't shut up I'm going to slam you one get your dirty stinking [ __ ] knees off my chest if I let you up will you keep your mouth shut I didn't even answer him he said it over again Holden if I let you up will you keep your mouth shut yes he got up off of me and I got up too my chest hurt like hell from his dirty knees you're a dirty stupid son of a [ __ ] of a [ __ ] I told him that got him really mad he shook his big stupid finger in my face holding godamn it I'm warning you for the last time if you don't keep your trap shut I'm going to why should I I said I was practically yelling that's just the trouble with all you morons you never want to discuss anything that's the way you can always tell a [ __ ] they never want to discuss anything intelligent then he really let one go at me and the next thing I knew I was on the goddamn floor again I don't remember if he knocked me out or not but I don't think so it's pretty hard to knock a guy out except in the movies but my nose is bleeding all over the place when I looked up old strad ladder was standing practically right on top of me he had this goddamn toilet kit under his arm why the hell don't you shut up when I tell you to he said he sounded pretty nervous he probably was scared he' fractured my skull or something when I hit the floor it's too bad I didn't you asked for it godamn it he said boy did he look worried I didn't even bother to get up I just lay there on the floor for a while and kept calling him a [ __ ] son of a [ __ ] I was so mad I was practically balling listen go wash your face Str lighter said you hear me I told him to go watch his own [ __ ] face which was a pretty childish thing to say but I was mad as hell I told him to stop off on the way to the can and give Mrs Schmidt the time Mrs Schmidt was the janitor's wife she was around 65 I kept sitting there on the floor till I heard old strad lighter close the door and go down the corridor to the can then I got up I couldn't find my goddamn hunting hat anywhere finally I found it it was under the bed I put it on and turned the old Peak around the back the way I liked it and then I went over and took a look at my stupid face in the mirror you never saw such Gore in your life I had blood all over my mouth and chin and even on my pajamas and bathrobe it partly scared me and it partly fascinated me all that blood and all sort of made me look tough I'd only been in about two fights in my life and I lost both of them I'm not too tough I'm a pacifist if you want to know the truth I had a feeling old aad probably hurt all the Racket and was awake so I went through the shower curtains into his room just to see what the hell he was doing I hardly ever went into his room it always had a funny stink in it because he was so crummy in his personal habits chapter 7 a tiny bit of light came through the shower curtains and all from our room and I could see him lying in bed I knew damn well he was wide awake aley I said you awake yeah it was pretty dark and I stepped on somebody's shoe on the floor and damn near fell on my head akley sort of sat up in bed and leaned on his arm he had a lot of white stuff on his face for his pimples he looked sort of spooky in the dark what the hell you doing anyway I said what do you mean what the hell am I doing I was trying to sleep before you guys started making all that noise what the hell was the fight about anyhow where's the light I couldn't find the light I was sliding my hand all over the wall what do you want the light for right next to your hand I finally found the switch and turned it on Old akley put his hand up so the light wouldn't hurt his eyes Jesus he said what the hell happened to you he meant all the blood and all I had a little goddamn tiff with strad ladder I said then I sat down on the floor they never had any chairs in their room I I know what the hell they did with their chairs listen I said do you feel like playing a little Canasta he was a canasta fiend you're still bleeding for Christ's sake you better put something on it it'll stop listen you want to play a little Canasta or don't you Canasta for Christ's sake do you know what time it is by any chance it isn't late it's only around 11: 11:30 only around aley said listen I got to get up and go to mass in the morning for Christ's sake you guys start hollering and fighting in the middle of the goddamn what the hell was the fight about anyhow it's a long story I don't want to bore you alei I'm thinking of your welfare I told him I never discussed my personal life with him in the first place he was even more stupid than strad ladder strad ladder was a goddamn Genius Next to akley hey I said is it okay if I sleep in Allie's bed tonight he won't be back till tomorrow night Willie I knew damn well he wouldn't Ellie went home damn near every weekend I don't know when the hell he's coming back akley said boy did that annoy me what the hell do you mean you don't know when he's coming back he never comes back till Sunday night does he no but for Christ's sake I can't just tell somebody they can sleep in his goddamn bed if they want to that killed me I reached up from where I was sitting on the floor and patted him on the goddamn shoulder you're a prince zly kid I said you know that no I mean it I just can't tell somebody they can sleep in you're a real Prince you're a gentleman and a scholar kid I said he really was too do you happen to have any cigarettes by any chance say no or I'll drop dead no I don't as a matter of fact listen what the hell was the fight about I didn't answer him all I did was I got up and went over and looked out the window I felt so lonesome all of a sudden I almost wished I was dead what the hell was the fight about anyhow akley said for about the 50th time he certainly was a Bor about that about you I said about me for Christ sake yeah I was defending your goddamn honor strad ladder said you had a lousy personality I couldn't let him get away with that stuff that got him excited he did no kidding he did I told him I was only kidding and then I went over and laid down on Ellie's bed boy did I feel rotten I felt so damn Lonesome this room stinks I said I can smell your socks from way over here don't you ever send them to the laundry if you don't like it you know what you can do aley said what a witty guy how's about turning off the goddamn light I didn't turn it off right away though I just kept laying there on Ellie's bed thinking about Jane and all it just drove me Stark staring mad when I thought about her and strad Ladder parked somewhere in that fat ass Ed bank's car every time I thought about it I felt like jumping out the window the thing is you don't know Strat ladder I knew most guys at peny just talked about having sexual intercourse with girls all the time like aley for instance but old Strader really did it I was personally acquainted with at least two girls he gave the time to that's the truth tell me the story of your fascinating life ale kid I said how about turning off the goddamn light I got to get up for mass in the morning I got up and turned it off if it made him happy then I laid down on Ellie's bed again what are you going to do do sleep in Ellie's bed akley said he was The Perfect Host boy I may I may not don't worry about it I'm not worried about it only I'd hate like hell if Ellie came in all of a sudden and found some guy relax I'm not going to sleep here I wouldn't abuse your goddamn Hospitality a couple of minutes later he was snoring like mad I kept laying there in the dark anyway though trying not to think about old Jane and strad in that goddamn Ed Bank car but it was almost impossible the trouble was I knew that guy strad ladder's technique that made it even worse we once double dated in Ed bank's car and strad Ladder was in the back with his date and I was in the front with mine what a technique that guy had what he'd do was he'd start snowing his date in this very quiet sincere voice like as if he wasn't only a very handsome guy but a nice sincere guy too I damn near puked listening to him his kept saying no please please don't please but old strad letter kept snowing her in this Abraham Lincoln's sincere voice and finally there'd be this terrific silence in the back of the car it was really embarrassing I don't think he gave the girl the time that night but damn near damn near while I was laying there trying not to think I heard old strad letter come back from the can and go in our room you could hear him putting away his crummy toilet articles and all and opening the window he was a fresh air fiend then a little while later he turned off the light he didn't even look around to see where I was at it was even depressing out in the street you couldn't even hear any cars anymore I got feeling so lonesome and rotten I even felt like waking akley up hey akley I said in a sort of whisper so strad ladder couldn't hear me through the shower curtain akley didn't hear me though hey akley he still didn't hear me he slept like a rock hey akley he heard that all right what the hell's the matter with you he said I was asleep for Christ's sake listen what's the routine on joining a monastery I asked him I was sort of toying with the idea of joining one do you have to be a Catholic and all certainly you have to be a Catholic you bastard did you wake me up just to ask me a dumb ah go back to sleep I'm not going to join one anyway kind of luck I have I probably join one with all the wrong kind of monks in it all stupid bastards just bastards when I said that Old Ale sat way the hell up in bed listen he said I don't care what you say about me or anything but if you start making cracks about my goddamn religion for Christ's sake relax I said nobody's making any cracks about your godamn religion I got up off Ellie's bed and started toward the door I didn't want to hang out in that stupid atmosphere anymore I stopped on the way though and picked up ale's hand and gave him a big phony handshake he pulled it away from me what's the idea idea he said no idea I just want to thank you for being such a goddamn Prince that's all I said I said it in this very sincere voice your rac's actly kid I said you know that wise guy someday someone's going to bash here I didn't even bother to listen to him I shut the goddamn door and went down the corridor everybody was asleep or out or home for the weekend and it was very very quiet and depressing in the corridor there was this empty box of Colin most toothpaste outside leth and Hoffman's door and while I walked down the stairs I kept giving it a boot with this sheep lined slipper I had on what I thought I'd do I thought I might go down and see what old Mal Brossard was doing but all of a sudden I changed my mind all of a sudden I decided what I'd really do I'd get the hell out of peny right that same night and all I mean not wait till Wednesday or anything I just didn't want to hang around anymore it made me too sad and Lonesome so what I decided to do I decided I'd take a room in a hotel in New York some very inexpensive hotel and all and just take it easy till Wednesday then on Wednesday I'd go home all rested up and feeling swell I figured my parents probably wouldn't get old ther's letter saying I'd been given the ax till maybe Tuesday or Wednesday I didn't want to go home or anything till they got it and thoroughly digested it and all I didn't want to be around when they first got it my mother gets very hysterical she's not too bad after she gets something thoroughly digested though besides I sort of need needed a little vacation my nerves were shot they really were anyway that's what I decided I'd do so I went back to the room and turned on the light to start packing and all I already had quite a few things packed old strad ladder didn't even wake up I lit a cigarette and got all dressed and then I packed these two Gladstones I have it only took me about 2 minutes I'm a very rapid Packer one thing about packing depressed me a little I had to pack these brand new ice skates my mother had practically just sent me a couple of days before that depressed me I could see my mother going into Spaldings and asking the salesman a million Dopey questions and here I was getting the axe again it made me feel pretty sad she bought me the wrong kind of skates I wanted racing skates and she bought hockey but it made me sad anyway almost every time somebody gives me a present it ends up making me sad after I got all packed I sort of counted my dough I don't remember exactly how much I had but I was pretty loaded my grandmother just sent me a wad about a week before I have this grandmother that's quite lavish with her dough she doesn't have all their marbles anymore she's old as hell and she keeps sending me money for my birthday about four times a year anyway even though I was pretty loaded I figured I could always use a few extra bucks you never know so what I did was I went down the hall and woke up Frederick Woodruff this guy had lent my typewriter to I asked him how much you'd give me for it he was a pretty wealthy guy he said he didn't know he said he didn't much want to buy it finally he bought bought it though it cost about 90 bucks and all he bought it for was 20 he was sore because I'd woke him up when I was all set to go when I had my bags and all I stood for a while next to the stairs and took a last look down the goddamn Corridor I was sort of crying I don't know why I put my red hunting hat on and turned the peak around to the back the way I liked it and then I yelled at the top of my godamn voice sleep tight you morons I'll bet I woke up every bastard on the whole floor then I got the hell out some stupid guy had thrown peanut shells all over the stairs and I damn near broke my crazy neck chapter 8 it was too late to call up for a cab or anything so I walked the whole way to the station it wasn't too far but it was cold as hell and the snow made it hard for walking and my Gladstones kept banging hell out of my legs I sort of enjoyed the air and all though the only trouble was the cold made my nose hurt and right under my upper lip where old strad ladder laid one on me he'd smacked my lip right on my teeth and it was pretty sore my ears were nice and warm though that hat I bought had earlaps in it and I put them on I didn't give a damn how I looked nobody was around anyway everybody was in the sack I was quite lucky when I got to the station because I only had to wait about 10 minutes for a train while I waited I got some snow in my hand and washed my face with it I still had quite a bit of blood on usually I like riding on trains especially at night with the lights on and the windows so black and one of those guys coming up the aisles selling coffee and sandwiches and magazines I usually buy a ham sandwich in about four magazines if I'm on a train at night I can usually even read one of those dumb stories in a magazine without puking you know one of those stories with a lot of phony lean jawed guys named David in it and a lot of phony girls named Linda or Marsha that are always lighting all the godamn David's pipes for them I can even read one of those lousy stories on a train at night usually but this time it was different I just didn't feel like it I just sort of sat and not and did anything all I did was take off my hunting hat and put it in my pocket all of a sudden this lady got on at Trenton and sat down next to me practically the whole car was empty because it was pretty late and all but she sat down next to me instead of an empty seat because she had this big bag with her and I was sitting in the front seat she stuck the bag right out in the middle of the aisle where the conductor and everybody could trip over it she had these orchids on like she'd just been to a big party or something she was around 40 or 45 I guess but she was very good-look women kill me they really do I don't mean I'm over sexed or anything like that although I am quite sexy I just like them I mean they're always leaving their goddamn bags out in the middle of the aisle anyway we were sitting there and all of a sudden she said to me excuse me but isn't that a peny prep sticker she was looking up at my suitcase up on the rack yes it is I said she was right I did have a goddamn peny sticker on one of my Gladstones very corny I'll admit oh do you go to peny she said she had a nice voice a nice telephone voice mostly she should have carried a goddamn telephone around with her yes I do I said oh how lovely perhaps you know my son then Ernest marrow he goes to peny yes I do he's in my class her son was doubtless the biggest bastard that ever went to peny in the whole crummy history of the school he was always going down the corridor after he'd had a shower snapping his soggy old wet towel at people's asses that's exactly the kind of guy he was oh how nice the lady said but not corny she was just nice and all I must tell Ernest we met she said may I ask your name dear Rudolph Schmidt I told I didn't feel like giving her my whole life story Rudolph Schmidt was the name of the janitor of our dorm do you like peny she asked me peny it's not too bad it's not Paradise or anything but it's as good as most schools some of the faculty are pretty conscientious Ernest just Ador it I know he does I said then I started shooting the old crap around a little bit he adapts himself very well to things he really does I mean he really knows how to adapt himself do you think so she asked me she sounded interested as hell Earnest sure I said then I watched her take off her gloves boy was she lousy with rocks I just broke a nail getting out of a cab she said she looked at me and sort of smiled she had a terrifically nice smile she really did most people have hardly any smile at all or a lousy one ernest's father and I sometimes worry about him she said we sometimes feel he's not a terribly good miss mixer how do you mean well he's a very sensitive boy he's really never been a terribly good mixer with other boys perhaps he takes things a little more seriously than he should at his age sensitive that killed me that guy Mara was about as sensitive as a godamn toilet seat I gave her a good look she didn't look like any dope to me she looked like she might have a pretty damn good idea what a bastard she was the mother of but you can't always tell with somebody's mother I mean mothers are all slightly insane the thing is though I liked old maro's mother she was all right would you care for a cigarette I asked her she looked all around I don't believe this is a smoker Rudolph she said Rudolph that killed me that's all right we can smoke till they start screaming at us I said she took a cigarette off me and I gave her a light she looked nice smoking she inhaled it all but she didn't Wolf the smoke down the way most women around her age do you got a lot of charm she had quite a lot of sex appeal too if you really want to know she was looking at me sort of funny I may be wrong but I believe your nose is bleeding dear she said all of a sudden I nodded and took out my handkerchief I got hit with a snowball I said one of those very icy ones I probably would have told her what really happened but it would have taken too long I liked her though I was beginning to feel sort of sorry I told her my name was Rudolph Schmidt old Ernie I said he's one of the most popular boys at peny did you know that no I didn't I nodded it really took everybody quite a long time to get to know him he's a funny guy a strange guy in a lot of ways know what I mean like when I first met him when I first met him I thought he was kind of a snobbish person that's what I thought but he isn't he's just got this very original personality that takes a little while to get to know him old Mrs Mara didn't say anything but boy you should have seen her I had her glued to her seat you take somebody's mother all they want hear about is what a hot shot their son is then I really started chucking the old crap around did he tell you about the elections I asked her the class elections she shook her head I had her in a trance like I really did well a bunch of us wanted old Ernie to be president of the class I mean he was the unanimous choice I mean he was the only boy that could really handle the job I said boy was I chucking it but this other boy Harry fencer was elected and the reason he was elected the simple and obvious reason was because Ernie wouldn't let us nominate him because he's so darn shy and modest and all he refused boy he's really shy you ought to make him try to get over that I looked at her didn't he tell you about it no he didn't I nodded that's Ernie he wouldn't that's one fault with him he's too shy and modest you really ought to get him to try to relax occasionally right that minute the conductor came around for old Mrs Mara's ticket and it gave me a chance to quit shooting it I'm glad I shot it for a while though you take a guy like Maro that's always snapping their towel at people's asses really trying to hurt somebody with it they don't just stay a rat while they're a kid they stay a rat their whole life but I'll bet after the crap I shot Mrs Marl will keep thinking of him as this very shy modest guy that wouldn't let us nominate him for president you might you can't tell mothers aren't too sharp about that stuff would you care for a cocktail I asked her I was feeling in the mood for one of my myself we can go into the club car all right dear are you allowed to order drinks she asked me not snotty though she was too Charming in all to be snotty well no not exactly but I can usually get them on account of my height I said and I have quite a bit of gray hair I turned sideways and showed her my gray hair it fascinated hell out of her come on join me why don't you I said I'd have enjoyed having her I really don't think I'd better thank you so much though dear she said anyway the club car is most likely closed it's quite late you know she was right I'd forgotten all about what time it was then she looked at me and asked me what I was afraid she was going to ask me Ernest wrote that he'd be home on Wednesday that Christmas vacation would start on Wednesday she said I hope you weren't called home suddenly because of illness in the family she really looked worried about it she wasn't just being nosy you could tell no Everybody's Fine at home I said it's me I have to have this operation oh I'm so sorry she said she really was too I was right away sorry I'd said it but it was too late it isn't very serious I have this tiny little tumor on the brain oh no she put her hand up to her mouth and all oh I'll be all right and everything it's right near the outside it's a very tiny one they can take it out in about 2 minutes then I started reading the timetable I had in my pocket just to stop lying once I get started I can go for hours if I feel like it no kidding hours we didn't talk too much after that she started reading this Vogue she had with her and I looked out the window for a while she got off at Newark she wished me a lot of luck with the operation and all she kept calling me Rudolph then she invited me to visit Ernie during the summer at glower Massachusetts she said their house was right on the beach and they had a tennis court and all but I just thanked her and told her I was going to South America with my grandmother which was really a hot one because my grandmother hardly ever goes out of the house except maybe to go to a godamn MAA or something but I wouldn't visit that son of a [ __ ] marrow for all the dough in the world even if I was desperate chapter n the first thing I did when I got off at Penn Station I went into this phone booth I felt like giving somebody a buzz I left my bags right outside the booth so that I could watch them but as soon as I was inside I couldn't think of anybody to call up my brother DB was in Hollywood my kids sister Phoebe goes to bed around 9:00 so I couldn't call her up she wouldn't have cared if I woke her up but the trouble was she wouldn't have been the one that answered the phone my parents would be the ones so that was out then I thought of giving Jane Gallagher's mother a buzz and find out when Jane's vacation started but I didn't feel like it besides it was pretty late to call up then I thought of calling this girl I used to go around with quite frequently Sally Hayes because I knew her Christmas Vacation had started already she'd written me this long phony letter inviting me over to help her trim the Christmas tree Christmas Eve and all but I was afraid her mother to answer the phone her mother knew my mother and I could picture her breaking a goddamn leg to get to the phone and tell my mother I was in New York besides I wasn't crazy about talking to Old Mrs Hayes on the phone she once told Sally I was wild she said I was wild and that I had no direction in life then I thought of calling up this guy that went to the Wooten school when I was there Carl loose but I didn't like him much so I ended up not calling anybody I came out of the booth after about 20 minutes or so and got my bags and walked over to that tunnel where the cabs are and got a cab I'm so damn absentminded I gave the driver my regular address just out of habit and all I mean I completely forgot I was going to shack up in a hotel for a couple of days and not go home till vacation started I didn't think of it till we were halfway through the park then I said hey do you mind turning around when you get a chance I gave you the wrong address I want to go back downtown the driver was sort of a wise guy I can't turn around here Mac this here is a one way we have to go all the way to 19th Street now I didn't want to start an argument okay I said then I thought of something all of a sudden Hey listen I said you know those ducks in that Lagoon right near Central Park South that little Lake by any chance do you happen to know where they go the Ducks when it gets all frozen over do you happen to know by any chance I realized it was only one chance in a Million he turned around and looked at me like I was a mad man what are you trying to do Bud he said kidding me no I was just interested that's all he didn't say anything more so I didn't either until we came out of the park at 19th Street then he said all right buddy we to well the thing is I don't want to stay at any hotels on the east side where I might run into some acquaintance of mine I'm traveling Incognito I said I hate saying corny things like traveling Incognito but when I'm with somebody that's corny I always act corny too do you happen to know whose band's at the Taft or the New Yorker by any chance no idea Mac well take me to the Edmond then I said would you care to stop in the way and join me for a cocktail on me I'm loaded can't do it Mac sorry he certainly was good company terrific personality we got to the Edmund hotel and I checked in I put on my red hunting cap when I was in the cab just for the hell of it but I took it off before I checked in I didn't want to look like a screw baller or something which is really ironic I didn't know then that the goddamn Hotel was full of perverts and morons screw balls all over the place they gave me this very crummy room with nothing to look out of the windows at except the other side of the hotel I didn't care much I was too depressed to care whether I had a good view or not the bell boy that showed me to the room was this very old guy about 65 he was even more depressing than the room was he was one of those bald guys that comb all their hair over from the side to cover up their baldness I'd rather be bald than do that anyway what a gorgeous job for a guy around 65 years old carrying people's suitcases and waiting around for a tip I suppose he wasn't too intelligent or anything but it was terrible anyway after he left I looked out the window for a while with my coat on and all I didn't have anything else to do you'd be surprised what was going on on the other side of the hotel they didn't even bother to pull their Shades down I saw one guy a gray-haired very distinguished looking guy with only his shorts on doing something you wouldn't believe me if I told you first he put his suitcase on the bed then he took out all these women's clothes and put them on real women's clothes silk stockings high heeled shoes bazer and one of those corsets with the straps hanging down and all then he put on this very tight black evening dress I swear to God then he started walking up and down the room taking these very small steps the way a woman does and smoking a cigarette looking at himself in the mirror he was all alone too unless somebody was in the bathroom I couldn't see that much then in the window almost right over his I saw a man and a woman squirting water out of their mouths at each other it probably was high balls not water but I couldn't see what they had in their glasses anyway first he take a swallow and squirt it all over her then she did it to him they took turns for God's sake you should have seen them they were in hysterics the whole time like it was the funniest thing that ever happened I'm not kidding the hotel was lousy with perverts I was probably the only normal bastard in the whole place and that isn't saying much a damn near sent a telegram to Old strad ladder telling him to take the first train to New York he'd have been the king of this hotel the trouble was that kind of junk is sort of fascinating to watch even if you don't want it to be for instance that girl that was getting water squirted all over her face she was pretty goodlooking I mean that's my big trouble in my my mind I'm probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw sometimes I can think of very crummy stuff I wouldn't mind doing if the opportunity came up I can even see how it might be quite a lot of fun in a crummy way and if you were both sort of drunk and all to get a girl and squirt water or something all over each other's face the thing is though I don't like the idea it stinks if you analyze it I think if you don't really like a girl you shouldn't horse around with her at all and if you do like her then you're supposed to like her face and if you like your face you ought to be careful about doing crummy stuff to it like squirting water all over it it's really too bad that so much crummy stuff is a lot of fun sometimes girls aren't too much help either when you start trying not to get too crummy when you start trying not to spoil anything really good I knew this one girl a couple of years ago that was even crummier than I was boy was she crummy we had a lot of fun though for a while in a crummy way sex is something that I don't really understand too hot you never know where the hell you are I keep making up these sex rules for myself and then I break them right away last year I made a rule that I was going to quit horsing around with girls that deep deep down gave me a pain in the ass I broke it though the same week I made it the same night as a matter of fact I spent the whole night necking with a terrible phony named an Louise Sherman sex is something I just don't understand I swear to God I don't I started toying with the idea while I kept standing there of giving old Jane a buzz I mean calling her long distance at BM Where She Went instead of calling up her mother to find out when she was coming home you weren't supposed to call students up late at night but I had it all figured out I was going to tell whoever answered the phone that I was her uncle I was going to say her aunt had just got killed in a car accident and I had to speak to her immediately it would have worked too the only reason I didn't do it was because I wasn't in the mood if you're not in the mood you can't do that stuff right after a while I sat down in a chair and smoked a couple of cigarettes I was feeling pretty horny I have to admit it then all of a sudden I got this idea I took out my wallet and started looking for this address a guy I met at a party last summer that went to Princeton gave me finally I found it it was all a funny color from my wallet but you could still read it it was the address of this girl that wasn't exactly a [ __ ] or anything but that didn't mind doing it once in a while this Princeton guy told me he brought her to a dance at Princeton once and they nearly kicked him out for bringing her she used to be a burlesque stripper or something anyway I went over to the phone and gave her a buzz her name was Faith Cavendish and she lived at the Stanford Arms Hotel on 65th in Broadway a dump no doubt for a while I didn't think she was home or something nobody kept answering then finally somebody picked up the phone hello I said I made my voice quite deep so that she wouldn't suspect my age or anything I have a pretty deep voice anyway hello this woman's voice said none too friendly either is this Miss Faith Cavendish who's this she said who's calling me up at this crazy goddamn hour that sort of scared me a little bit well I know it's quite late I said in this very mature voice and all I hope you'll forgive me but I was very anxious to get in touch with you I said it's Suave as hell I really did who is this she said well well you don't know me but I'm a friend of Eddie bird cells he suggested that if I were in town sometime we ought to get together for a cocktail or two who you're a friend of who boy she was a real Tigress over the phone she was damn near yelling at me Edmund birdell Eddie Eddie birdell I said I couldn't remember if his name was Edmund or Edward I only met him once at a goddamn stupid party I don't know anybody by that name Jack and if you think I enjoy being woke up in the middle of Eddie bir bird cell from Princeton I said you could tell she was running the name over in her mind and all bird cell bird cell from Princeton Princeton College that's right I said you from Princeton College well approximately oh how is Eddie she said this is certainly A peculiar time to call a person up though Jesus Christ he's fine he has to be remembered to you well thank you remember me to him she said he's a grand person what's he doing now she was getting friendly as hell all of a sudden oh you know same old stuff I said how the hell did I know what he was doing I hardly knew the guy I didn't even know if he was still at Princeton look I said would you be interested in meeting me for a cocktail somewhere by any chance do you have any idea what time it is she said what's your name anyhow may I ask she was getting an English accent all of a sudden you sound a little on the young side I laughed thank you for the compliment I said sve as hell Holden coffields my name I should have given her a phony name but I didn't think of it well look Mr cofell I'm not in the habit of making engagements in the middle of the night I'm a working gal tomorrow's Sunday I told her well anyway I got to get my beauty sleep you know how it is I thought we might just have one cocktail together it isn't too late well you're very sweet she said where you calling from where you at now anyways me I'm in a phone booth oh she said then there was this very long pause well I'd like awfully to get together with you sometime Mr kaful you sound very attractive you sound like a very attractive person but it's late I could come up to your place well ordinary I'd say Grand I mean I'd love to have you drop up for a cocktail but my roommate happens to be ill she's been laying here all night without a wink of sleep she just this minute closed her eyes and all I mean oh that's too bad where are you stopping at perhaps we could get together for cocktails tomorrow I can't make it tomorrow I said tonight's the only time I can make it what a dope I was I shouldn't have said that oh well I'm awfully sorry I'll say hello to Eddie for you will you do that I hope you enjoy your stay in New York It's a grand place I know it is thanks good night I said then I hung up boy I really fouled that up I should have at least made it for cocktails or something chapter 10 it was still pretty early I'm not sure what time it was but it wasn't too late the one thing I hate to do is go to bed when I'm not even tired so I opened my suitcases and took out a clean shirt and then I went in the bathroom and washed and changed my shirt what I thought I'd do I thought I'd go downstairs and see what the hell was going on in the lavender room they had this nightclub the lavender room in the hotel while I was changing my shirt a damn near gave my kid Sister Phoebe a buzz though I certainly felt like talking to her on the phone somebody with sense and all but I couldn't take a chance on giving her a buzz because she was only a little kid and she wouldn't have been up let alone anywhere near the phone I thought of maybe hanging up if my parents answered but that wouldn't have worked either they'd know it was me my mother always knows it's me she's psychic but I certainly wouldn't have minded shooting the crap with old Phoebe for a while you should see her you never saw a little kid so pretty and smart in your whole life she's really smart I mean she's had all A's ever since she started school as a matter of fact I'm the only dumb one in the family my brother DB is a writer and all and my brother Ally the one that died that I told you about was a wizard I'm the only really dumb one but you ought to see old Phoebe she has this sort of red hair a little bit like Ally was that's very short in the summertime in the summertime she sticks it behind her ears she has nice pretty little ears in the winter time is pretty long though sometimes my mother braids it and sometimes she doesn't it's really nice though she's only 10 she's quite skinny like me but but nice skinny roller skate skinny I watched her once from the window and she was crossing over Fifth Avenue to go to the park and that's what she is roller skate skinny you'd like her I mean if you tell old Phoebe something she knows exactly what the hell you're talking about I mean you can even take her anywhere with you if you take her to a lousy movie for instance she knows it's a lousy movie if you take her to a pretty good movie she knows it's a pretty good movie DB and I took her to this French movie The Baker's wife with Ru in it it killed her her favorite is the 39 steps though with Robert the KN she knows the whole goddamn movie by heart because I've taken her to see it about 10 times when old donet comes up to the scotch Farmhouse for instance when he's running away from the cops and all Phoebe will say right out loud in the movie right when the scotch guy in the picture says it can you eat the hering she knows all the talk by heart and when this professor in the picture that's really a German spy sticks up his little finger with part of the middle joint missing to show Robert datat old Phoebe beats him through it she holds up her little finger at me in the dark right in front of my face she's all right you'd like her the only trouble is she's a little too affectionate sometimes she's very emotional for a child she really is something else she does she writes books all the time only she doesn't finish them they're all about some kid named Hazel weatherfield only old Phoebe calls it hazle old hazle weatherfield is A Girl Detective she's supposed to be an orphan but her old man keeps showing up her old man's always a tall attractive gentleman about 20 years of age that kills me old Phoebe I swear to God you'd like her she was smart even when she was a very tiny little kid when she was a very tiny little kid I and Ally used to take her to the park with us especially on Sundays Ally had this sailboat he used to like to fool around with on Sundays and we used to take old Phoebe with us she'd wear white gloves and walk right between us like a lady and all and when Ally and I were having some conversation about things in general old Phoebe be listening sometimes you'd forget she was around because she was just such a little kid but she'd let you know she'd interrupt you all the time she'd give Ali orai a push or something and say who who was that Bobby or the lady and we'd tell her who said it and she'd say oh oh and go right on listening and all she killed Ally too I mean he liked her too she's 10 now and not such a tiny little kid anymore but she still kills everybody everybody with any sense anyway anyway she was somebody you always felt like talking to on the phone but I was too afraid my parents would answer and then they'd find out that I was in New York and kicked out of peny and all so I just finished putting on my shirt then I got all ready and went down in the elevator to the lobby to see what was going on except for a few pimpy looking guys and a few wh looking blondes the lobby was pretty empty you could hear the band playing in the lavender room and so I went in there it wasn't very crowded but they gave me a lousy table anyway way in the back I should have waved a buck under the head waiter's nose in New York boy money really talks I'm not kidding the band was putrid buddy Slinger very brassy but not good brassy corny brassy also there were very few people around my age in the place in fact nobody was around my age there mostly old show offy looking guys with their dates except at the table right next to me at the table right next to me there were these three girls around 30 or so the whole three of them were pretty ugly and they all had on the kind of hats that you knew they didn't really live in New York but one of them the blonde one wasn't too bad she was sort of cute the blonde one and I started giving her the old eye a little bit but just then the waiter came up for my order I ordered a scotch and soda and told him not to mix it I said it fast as hell because if if you hem and haw they think you're under 21 and won't sell you any intoxicating liquor I had trouble with him anyway though I'm sorry sir he said but do you have some verification of your age your driver's license perhaps I gave him this very cold stare like he' insulted the hell out of me and asked him do I look like I'm under 21 I'm sorry sir but we have our okay okay I said I figured the hell with it bring me a Coke he started to go away but I called him back can't you just stick a little rum in it or something I asked him I asked him very nicely and all I can't sit in a corny place like this cold sober can't you stick a little rum in it or something I'm very sorry sir he said and beat it on me I didn't hold it against him though they lose their jobs if they could caught selling to a miner I'm a goddamn minor I started giving the three witches at the next table the eye again that is the blonde one the other two were strictly from Hunger I Didn't Do It crudely though I just gave all three of them this very cool glance and all what they did though the three of them when I did it they started giggling like morons they probably thought I was too young to give anybody the once over that annoyed hell out of me you'd have thought I wanted to marry them or something I should have given them the freeze after they did that but the trouble was I really felt like dancing I'm very fond of dancing sometimes and that was one of the times so all of a sudden I sort of leaned over and said would any of you girls care to dance I didn't ask them crudely or anything very swaave in fact but God damn it they thought that was a panic too they started giggling some more I'm not kidding they were real morons come on I said I'll dance with you one at a time all right how about it come on I really felt like dancing finally the blonde one got up to dance with me because you could tell I was really talking to her and we walked out into the dance floor the other two GRS nearly had hysterics when we did I certainly must have been very hard up to even bother with any of them but it was worth it the blonde was some dancer she was one of the best dancers I ever danced with I'm not kidding some of these very stupid girls can really knock you out on a dance floor you take a really smart girl and half the time she's trying to lead you around the dance floor or else she's such a lousy dancer the best thing to do is stay at the table and just get drunk with her you really can dance I told the blonde one you ought to be a pro I mean it I danced with the pro once and you're twice as good as she was did you ever hear of Marco and Miranda what she said she wasn't even listening to me she was looking all around the place I said did you ever hear of Marco and Miranda I don't know no I don't know well they're dancers she's a dancer she's not too hot though she does everything she's supposed to but she's not so hot anyway you know when a girl's really a terrific dancer what' you say she said she wasn't listening to me even her mind was wandering all over the place I said do you know when a girl's really a terrific dancer uhhuh well where I have my hand on your back if I think there isn't anything underneath my hand no can no legs no feet no anything then the girl's really a terrific dancer she wasn't listening though so I ignored her for a while we just danced God could that Dopey girl dance buddy singer and his stinking band were playing just one of those things and even they couldn't ruin it entirely it's a swell song I didn't try any trick stuff while we danced I hate a guy that does a lot of show offy tricky stuff on the dance floor but I was moving her around plenty and she stayed with me the funny thing is I thought she was enjoying it too till all of a sudden she came out with this very dumb remark I and my girlfriend saw Peter Lorie last night she said the movie actor in person he was buying a newspaper he's cute you're lucky I told her you're really lucky you know that she was really a [ __ ] but what a dancer I could hardly stop myself from sort of giving her a kiss on the top of her Dopey head you know right where the part is and all she got sore when I did that hey what's the idea nothing no idea you really can dance I said I have a kid sister that's only in the goddamn fourth grade you're about as good as she is and she can dance better than anybody living or dead watch your language if you don't mind what a lady boy a queen for Christ's sake where you girls from I asked her she didn't answer me though though she was busy looking around for old Peter Lori to show up I guess where are you girls from I asked her again what she said where are you girls from don't answer if you don't feel like it I don't want you to strain yourself Seattle Washington she said she was doing me a big favor to tell me you're a very good conversationalist I told her you know that what I Let It Drop I was over her head anyway do you feel like Jitter bugging a little bit if they play a fast one not corny computer bugging not jump or anything just nice and easy everybody will all sit down when they play a fast one except the old guys and the fat guys and we'll have plenty of room okay it's immaterial to me she said hey how old are you anyway that annoyed me for some reason a Christ don't spoil it I said I'm 12 for Christ's sake I'm big for my age listen I told you about that I don't like that type of language she said if you're going to use that type of language I can go sit with my girlfriends you know I apologized like a mad man because the band was starting a fast one she started jitterbugging with me but very nice and easy not corny she was really good all you had to do was touch her and when she turned around her pretty little butt twitched so nice and all she knocked me out man I mean it I was half in love with her by the time we sat down the thing about girls every time they do something pretty even if they're not much to look at or even if they're sort of stupid you have fall in love with them and then you never know where the hell you are girls Jesus Christ they can drive you crazy they really can they didn't invite me to sit down at their table mostly because they were too ignorant but I sat down anyway the blonde I've been dancing with his name was Bernice something crabs or Krabs the two ugly ones names were Marty and lever I told them my name was Jim steel just for the hell of it then I tried to get them in a little intelligent conversation but it was practically impossible you had to twist their arms you could hardly tell which was the stupidest of the three of them and the whole three of them kept looking all around the godamn room like as if they expected a flock of goddamn movie stars to come in at any minute they probably thought movie stars always hung out in the lavender room when they came to New York instead of the St Club or Morocco and all anyway it took me about a half hour to find out where they all worked and all in Seattle they all worked in the same insurance office I asked them if they liked it but do you think you could get an intelligent answer out of those three dopes I thought the two ugly ones Marty and Lan were sisters but they got very insulted when I asked them you could tell neither one of them wanted to look like the other one and you couldn't blame them but it was very amusing anyway I danced with them all the whole three of them one at a time the one ugly one lever wasn't too bad of a dancer but the other one old Marty was murder old Marty was like dragging the Statue of Liberty around the floor the only way I could even half enjoy myself dragging her around was if I amused myself a little so I told her I just saw Gary Cooper the movie star on the other side of the floor where she asked me excited as hell where a you just missed them he just went out why don't you look when I told you she practically stopped dancing and started looking over everybody's heads to see if she could see him oh shoot she said i' just about broken her heart I really had I was sorry as hell I'd kitted her some people you shouldn't kid even if they deserve it here's what was very funny though when we got back to the table old Marty told the other two that Gary Cooper had just gone Out Boy old lever and Bernice really committed suicide when they heard that they got excited and asked Marty if she'd seen him at all old Mart said she'd only caught a glimpse of him that killed me the bar was closing up for the night so I bought them all two drinks a piece quick before it closed and I ordered two more Cokes for myself the godamn table was lousy with glasses the one ugly one lever kept kidding me because I was only drinking Cokes she had a sterling sense of humor she and old Marty were drinking Tom Collins's in the middle of December for God's sake they didn't know any better the Blonde one old Bernice was drinking Bourbon and water she was really putting it away too the whole three of them kept looking for movie stars the whole time they hardly talked even to each other old Marty talked more than the other two she kept saying these very corny boring things like calling the can the little girls room and she thought buddy singer's poor old beat up clarinet player was really terrific when he stood up and took a couple of ice cold Hot Licks she called his clarinet a licorice stick was she corny the the other ugly one lever thought she was a very witty type she kept asking me to call up my father and ask him what he was doing tonight she kept asking me if my father had a date or not four times she asked me that she certainly was witty old Bernice the blonde one didn't say hardly anything at all every time i' had to ask her something she said what that can get on your nerves after a while all of a sudden when they finished their drink all three of them stood up on me and said they had to get to bed they said they were going to get up early to see the first show at Radio City Music Hall I tried to get them to stick around for a while but they wouldn't so we said goodbye and all I told them I'd look them up in Seattle sometime if I ever get there but I doubt if I ever will look them up I mean with cigarettes and all the check came to about 13 bucks I think they should have at least offered to pay for the drinks they had before I joined them I wouldn't have let them naturally but they should have at least offered I didn't care much though they were so ignorant and they had those sad fancy hats on and all and that business about getting up early to see the first show at Radio City Music Hall depressed me if somebody some girl in an awful looking hat for instance comes all the way to New York from Seattle Washington for God's sake and ends up getting up early in the morning to see the goddamn first show at Radio City Music Hall it makes me so depressed I can't stand it I'd have bought the whole three of them a 100 drinks if only they hadn't told me that I left the lavender room pretty soon after they did they they were closing it up anyway and the band had quit a long time ago in the first place it was one of those places that are very terrible to be in unless you have somebody good to dance with or unless the waiter lets you buy real drinks instead of just Cokes there isn't any nightclub in the world you can sit in for a long time unless you can at least buy some liquor and get drunk or unless you're with some girl that really knocks you out chapter 11 all of a sudden on the way out to the lobby I got old Jam Gallagher on my brain again I got her on and I couldn't get her off I sat down in this vomity looking chair in the lobby and thought about her and strad Ladder sitting in that goddamn Ed bank's car and I thought I was pretty damn sure old strad ladder hadn't given her the time I know old Jane like a book I still couldn't get her off my brain I knew her like a book I really did I mean besides Checkers she was quite fond of all athletic sports and after I got to knowwhere the whole summer long we played tennis together almost every morning and golf almost every afternoon I really got to know her quite intimately I don't mean it was anything physical or anything it wasn't but we saw each other all the time you don't always have to get too sexy to get to know a girl the way I met her this doberman pincher she had used to come over and relieve himself on our lawn and my mother got very irritated about it she called up Jane's mother and made a big stink about it my mother can make a very big stink about that kind kind of stuff then what happened a couple days later I saw Jane laying on her stomach next to the swimming pool at the club and I said hello to her I knew she lived in the house next to ours but I'd never conversed with her before or anything she gave me the big freeze when I said hello to her that day though I had a hell of a time convincing her that I didn't give a good godamn where her dog relieved himself he could do it in the living room for all I cared anyway after that Jane and I got to be friends and all I played golf with her that same afternoon she lost eight balls I remember eight I had a terrible time getting her to at least open her eyes when she took a swing at the ball I improved her game immensely though I'm a very good golfer if I told you what I go around in you probably wouldn't believe me I almost was in a movie short but I changed my mind at the last minute I figured that anybody that hates the movies as much as I do I'd be a phony if I let them stick me in a movie short she was a funny girl old Jane I wouldn't exactly describe her as strictly beautiful she knocked me out though she was sort of Muckle mouthed I mean when she was talking and she got excited about something her mouth sort of went in about 50 directions her lips and all that killed me and she never really closed it all the way her mouth it was always just a little bit open especially when she got in her golf stance or when she was reading a book she was always reading and she read very good books she read a lot of poetry and all she was the only one outside my family that I ever showed Allie's baseball to with all the poems written on it she never met Ally or anything because that was her first summer in Maine before that she went to Cape Cod but I told her quite a lot about him she was interested in that kind of stuff my mother didn't like her too much I mean my mother always thought Jane and her mother were sort of snubbing her or something when they didn't say hello my mother saw them in the village a lot because Jane used to drive to Market with her mother and this lell convertible they had my mother didn't think Jane was pretty even I did though I just like the way she looked that's all I remember this one afternoon it was the only time old Jane and I ever got close to necking even it was a Saturday and it was raining like a bastard out and I was over at her house on the porch they had this big screened in porch we were playing checkers I used to kid her once in a while because she wouldn't take her Kings out of the back row but I didn't kid her too much though you never want to kid Jane too much I think I really like it best when you can kid the pants off a girl and the opportunity arises but it's it's a funny thing the girls I like best are the ones I never feel much like kidding sometimes I think they'd like it if you kidded them in fact I know they would but it's hard to get started once you've known them a pretty long time and never kidded them anyway I was telling you about that afternoon Jane and I came close the necking it was raining like hell and we were out on her porch and all of a sudden this Booz Hound her mother was married to came out in the porch and asked Jane if there were any cigarettes in the house I didn't know him too well or anything but he looked like the kind of guy that wouldn't talk to you much unless he wanted something off of you he had a lousy personality anyway old Jane wouldn't answer him when he asked her if she knew there were any cigarettes so the guy asked her again but she still wouldn't answer him she didn't even look up from the game finally the guy went inside the house when he did I asked Jane what the hell was going on she wouldn't even answer me then she made out like she was concentrating on her next move in the game and all then all of a sudden this tear plopped down on the checkerboard on one of the red squares boy I can still see it she just rubbed it into the board with her finger I don't know why but it bothered hell out of me so what I did was I went over and made her move over on the glider so I could sit down next to her I practically sat down in her lap as a matter of fact then she really started to cry and the next thing I knew I was kissing her all over anywhere her eyes her nose her forehead her eyebrows and all her ears her whole face except her mouth and all she sort of wouldn't let me get to her mouth anyway it was the closest we ever got to necking after a while she got up and went in and put on this red and white sweater she had that knocked me out we went to a Goddamn movie I asked her on the way if Mr cud d'a that was the Booz Hound's name had ever tried to get wise with her she was pretty young but she had this terrific figure and I wouldn't have put it past that coua bastard she said no though I never did find out what the hell was the matter some girls you practically never find out what's the matter I don't want you to get the idea she was a goddamn icicle or something just because we never necked or horsed around much she wasn't I held hands with her all the time for instance that doesn't sound like much I realized but she was terrific to hold hands with most girls if you hold hands with them their goddamn hand dies on you or else they think they have to keep moving their hand all the time as if they were afraid they'd bore you or something Jane was different we'd get into a goddamn movie or something and right away we'd start holding hands and we wouldn't quit till the movie was over and without changing the position or making a big deal out of it you never even worried with Jane whether your hand was sweaty or not all you knew was you were happy you really were one other thing I just thought of one time in this movie Jane did something that just about knocked me out the news R was on or something and all of a sudden I felt this hand on the back of my neck then it was Janes it was a funny thing to do I mean she was quite young and all and most girls if you see them putting their hand on the back of somebody's neck they're around 25 or 30 and usually they're doing it to their husbands or their little kid I do it to my kid Sister Phoebe once in a while for instance but if a girl's quite young and all and she does it it's so pretty it just about kills you anyway that's what I was thinking about when I sat in that vomity looking chair in the lobby old Jane every time I got to the part about her out with strad ladder in that damn Ed bank's car it almost drove me crazy I knew she wouldn't let him get to first base with her but it drove me crazy anyway I don't even like to talk about it if you want to know the truth there was hardly anybody in the lobby anymore even all the hor looking blondes weren't around anymore and all of a sudden I felt like getting the hell out of the place it was too depressing and I wasn't tired or anything so I went up to my room and put on my coat I also took a look out the window to see if all the perverts were still in action but the lights and all were out now I went down in the elevator again and got a cab and told the driver to take me down to Ernie Ernie is this nightclub in Greenwich Village that my brother DB used to go to quite frequently before he went out to Hollywood and prostituted himself he used to take me with him once in a while Ernie's a big fat colored guy that plays the piano he's a terrific snob and he won't hardly even talk to you unless you're a big shot or a celebrity or something but he can really play the piano he's so good it's almost corny in fact I don't exactly know what I mean by that but I mean it I certainly like to hear him play but sometimes you feel like turning his goddamn piano over I think it's because sometimes when he plays he sounds like the kind of guy that won't talk to you unless you're a big shot chapter 12 the cab I had was a real old one that smelled like someone just tossed his cookies in it I hope always get those vomity kind of cabs if I go anywhere late at night what made it worse it was so quiet and Lonesome out even though it was Saturday night I didn't see hardly anybody on the street now and then you just saw a man and a girl crossing a street with their arms around each other's waist and all or a bunch of hoody looking guys in their dates all them laughing like hyenas at something you could bet wasn't funny New York's terrible when somebody laughs on the street very late at night you can hear it for Miles makes you feel so lonesome and depressed rest I kept wishing I could go home and shoot the bull for a while with old Phoebe but finally after I was riding a while the cab driver and I sort of struck up a conversation his name was Horwitz he was a much better guy than the other driver I'd had anyway I thought maybe he might know about the Ducks hey Horwitz I said you ever passed by the Lagoon in Central Park down by Central Park South the what the Lagoon the little lake lake there where the Ducks are you know yeah what about it well you know the ducks that swim around on it in the springtime and all do you happen to know where they go in the winter time by any chance where who goes the Ducks do you know by any chance I mean does somebody come around in a truck or something and take them away or do they fly away by themselves go south or something old Horwitz turned all the way around and looked at me he was a very impatient type guy he wasn't a bad guy though how the hell should I know he said how the hell should I know a stupid thing like that well well don't get sore about it I said he was sore about it or something who's sore nobody's sore I stopped having a conversation with him if he was going to get so damn touchy about it but he started it up again himself he turned all the way around again and said the fish don't go no place they stay right where they are the fish right in the goddamn Lake the fish that's different the fish is different I'm talking about the Ducks I said what's different about it nothing's different about it porwit said everything he said he sounded sore about something it's tougher for the fish it's the winter and all that it is for the Ducks for Christ's sake use your head for Christ's sake I didn't say anything for about a minute then I said all right what do they do the fish and all when the whole little Lake's a solid block of ice people skating on it and all old Horwitz turned around again what the hell do you mean what do they do he yelled at me they stay right where they are for Christ's sake they can't just ignore the ice they can't just ignore it who's ignoring it nobody's ignoring it it said he got so damn excited and all I was afraid he was going to drive the cab right into a lamp poost or something they live right in the goddamn ice it's their nature for Christ's sake they get Frozen right in one position for the whole damn winter yeah what do they eat then I mean if they're frozen solid they can't swim around looking for food and all their bodies for Christ's sake what's the matter with you their bodies taking nutrition and all right through the goddamn seaweed and crap it in the ice they got their pores open the whole time that's their nature for Christ's sake see what I mean he turned way the hell around again to look at me oh I said I Let It Drop I was afraid he was going to crack the damn taxi up or something besides he was such a touchy guy it wasn't any pleasure discussing anything with him would you care to stop off and have a drink with me somewhere I said he didn't answer me though I guess he was still thinking I asked him again though he was a pretty good guy quite amusing and all I ain't got no time for no liquor bud he said how the hell old you anyways why ain't you home in bed I'm not tired when I got out in front of Ernie and paid the fair old Horwitz brought up the fish again he certainly had it on his mind listen he said if you was a fish mother nature take care of you wouldn't she right you don't think them fish just die when it gets to be winter do you no but you're goddamn right they don't horward said and drove off like a bad out of hell he was about the touchiest guy I ever met everything you said made him sore even though it was so late old Ernie was jam-packed mostly with Prep School jerks and college jerks almost every damn School in the world gets out earlier for Christmas vacation than the schools I go to you could hardly check your coat it was so crowded it was pretty quiet though because Ernie was playing the piano it was supposed to be something holy for God's sake when he sat down at the piano nobody's that good about three couples beside me were waiting for tables and they were all shoving and standing on tip tiptoes to get a look at old Ernie while he played he had a big damn mirror in front of the piano with this big Spotlight on him so that everybody could watch his face while he played you couldn't see his fingers while he played just his big old face big deal I'm not too sure what the name of the song was that he was playing when I came in but whatever it was he was really stinking it up he was putting all these dumb show offy Ripples and the high notes and a lot of other very tricky stuff that gives me a pain in the ass you should have heard the crowd though when he was finished you would have puked they went mad they were exactly the same morons that laughed like hyenas in the movies at stuff that isn't funny I swear to God if I were a piano player or an actor or something and all those dopes thought I was terrific I'd hate it I wouldn't even want them to clap for me people always clap for the wrong things if I were a piano player I'd play it in the goddamn closet anyway when he was finished and everybody was clapping their heads off old Ernie turned around on his stool and gave this very terrific phony humble bow like as if he was a hell of a humble guy besides being a terrific piano player it was very phony I mean him being such a big snob and all in a funny way though I felt sort of sorry for him when he finished I don't even think he knows anymore when he's playing right or not it isn't all his fault I partly blame all those dopes that clap their heads off they'd foul up anybody if you gave them a chance anyway it made me feel depressed and lousy again and I damn near got my coat back and went back to the hotel but it was too early and I didn't feel much like being all alone they finally got me this stinking table right up against a wall and behind a goddamn post where you couldn't see anything it was one of those tiny little tables that if the people at the next table don't get up to let you buy and they never do the bastards you practically have to climb into your chair I ordered a scotch and soda which is my favorite drink next to Frozen dairies if you were only around 6 years old you could get liquor at Ernie the place was so dark and all and besides nobody cared her old you were you could even be a dope fiend and nobody'd care I was surrounded by jerks I'm not kidding at this other tiny table right to my left practically on top of me there was this funny looking guy and this funny looking girl they were around my age or maybe just a little older it was funny you could see they were being careful as hell not to drink up the minimum too fast I listen to their conversation for a while because I didn't have anything else to do he was telling her about some pro football game he'd seen that afternoon he gave her every single goddamn play in the whole game I'm not kidding he was the most boring guy I think I ever listened to and you could tell as date wasn't even interested in the goddamn game but she was even funnier looking than he was so I guess she had to listen real ugly girls have it tough I feel so sorry for them sometimes sometimes I can't even look at them especially if they're with some Dopey guy that's telling them all about a goddamn football game on my right the conversation was even worse though on my right there was this very Jo Yale looking guy in a gray flannel suit and one of those flitty looking tattersol vests all these ivy league bastards look alike my father wants me to go to Yale or maybe Princeton but I swear I wouldn't go to one of those Ivy League colleges if I was dying for God's sake anyway this Joe Yale looking guy had a terrific looking girl with him boy she was goodlook but you should have heard the conversation they were having in the first place they were both slightly crocked what he was doing he was giving her a feel under the table and at the same time telling her all about some guy in his dorm that had eaten a whole bottle of aspirin and nearly committed suicide his date kept saying to him how horrible don't darling please don't not here imagine giving somebody a feel and telling them about a guy committing suicide at the same time they killed me I certainly began to feel like a prize horse's ass though sitting there all by myself there wasn't anything to do except smoke and drink what I did do though I told the waiter to ask old Ernie if he'd care to join me for a drink I told him to tell him I was DB's brother I don't think he ever gave him my message though those bastards never give your message to anybody all of a sudden this girl came up to me and said hold in Coffield her name was Lillian Simmons my brother DB used to go around with her for a while she had very big knockers hi I said I tried to get up naturally but it was some job getting up in a place like that she had some Navy officer with her that looked like he had a poker up his ass how marvelous to see you old Lillian Simmons said strictly a phony how's your big brother that's all she really wanted to know he's fine he's in Hollywood in Hollywood how marvelous what's he doing I don't know writing I said I didn't feel like discussing it you could tell she thought it was a big deal his being in Hollywood almost everybody does mostly people who've never read any of his stories it drives me crazy though how exciting old Lillian said then she introduced me to the Navy guy his name was commander blop or something he was one of those guys that think they're being a pansy if they don't break around 40 of your fingers and they shake hands with you God I hate that stuff are you all alone baby old Lillian asked me she was blocking up the whole goddamn traffic in the aisle you could tell she liked to block up a lot of traffic this waiter was waiting for her to move out of the way but she didn't even notice him it was funny you could tell the waiter didn't like her much you could tell even the Navy guy didn't like her much even though he was dating her and I didn't like her much nobody did you had to feel sort of sorry for her in a way don't you have a date baby she asked me I was standing up now and she didn't even tell me to sit down she was the type that keeps you standing up for hours isn't he handsome she said to the Navy guy Holden you're getting handsomer by the minute the Navy guy told her to come on he told her they were blocking up the whole aisle Holden come join us old Lillian said bring your drink I was just leaving I told her I have to meet somebody you could tell she was just trying to get in good with me so that I'd tell old DB about it well you little so and so all right for you tell your big brother I hate him when you see him then she left the Navy guy and I told each other we were glad to have met each other which always kills me I'm always saying glad to have met you to somebody I'm not at all glad I met if you want to stay alive you have to say that stuff though after I told her I had to meet somebody I didn't have any goddamn Choice except to leave I couldn't even stick around to hear old Ernie play something halfway decent but I certainly wasn't going to sit at the table with old Lily and Simmons and that Navy guy and be bored to death so I left it made me mad though when I was getting my coat people are always ruining things for you chapter 13 I walked all the way back to the hotel 41 gorgeous blocks it was more because I didn't feel like getting in and out of another taxi cab sometimes you get tired of riding in taxi cabs the same way you get tired of riding in elevators all of a sudden you have to walk no matter how far or how high up when I was a kid I used to walk all the way up to our apartment very frequently 12 stories you wouldn't even have known it had snowed at all there was hardly any snow on the sidewalks but it was freezing cold and I took my red hunt hat out of my pocket and put it on I didn't give a damn how I looked I even put the earlaps down I wished I'd knew who swiped my gloves at peny because my hands were freezing not that I'd have done much about it even if I had known I'm one of these very yellow guys I try not to show it but I am for instance if IID found out at peny who'd stolen my gloves I probably would have gone down to the crooks room and said okay how about handing over those gloves and the crook that had stolen them probably would have said his voice very very innocent and all what gloves then what I probably would have done I'd have gone in his closet and found the glove somewhere hidden in his goddamn gashes or something for instance I'd have taken them out and showed them to the guy and said I suppose these are your goddamn gloves then the crook probably would have given me this very phony innocent look and said I never saw those gloves before in my life if they're yours take them I don't want the goddamn things then I probably would have just stood there for about 5 minutes I'd have the damn gloves right in my hand and all but I'd feel I ought to Sock the guy in the JW or something breaking his goddamn jaw only I wouldn't have the guts to do it I just stand there trying to look tough what I might do I might say something very cutting and snotty to rile him up instead of socking him in the jaw anyway if I did say something very cutting and snotty he'd probably get up and come over to me and say listen Coffield are you calling me a crook then instead of saying you're goddamn right I am you dirty crooked bastard all I probably would have said would be all I know is my goddamn gloves wearing your goddamn gashes right away then the guy would know for sure that I wasn't going to take a sock at him and he probably would have said listen let's get this straight are you calling me a thief then I probably would have said nobody's calling anybody a thief all I know is my gloves we in your goddamn gashes it could go on like that for hours finally though I'd leave his room without even taking a sock at him I'd probably go down to the can and sneak a cigarette and watch myself getting tough in the mirror anyway that's what I thought about the whole way back to the hotel it's no fun to be yellow maybe I'm not all that that yellow I don't know I think maybe I'm just partly yellow and partly the type that doesn't give much of a damn if they lose their gloves one of my troubles is I never care too much when I lose something it used to drive my mother crazy when I was a kid some guys spend days looking for something they lost I never seem to have anything if I'd lost I'd care too much about maybe that's why I'm partly yellow it's no excuse though it really isn't what you should be is not yellow at all if you're supposed to Sock somebody in the jaw and you sort of feel like doing it you should do it I'm just no good at it though I'd rather push a guy out the window or chop his head off with an axe than sock him in the jaw I hate fist fights I don't mind getting hit so much although I'm not crazy about it naturally but what scares me most in a fist fight is the guy's face I can't stand looking at the other guy's face is my trouble it wouldn't be so bad if you could both be blindfolded or something it's a funny kind of yellowness when you come to think of it but it's yellowness all right I'm not kidding myself the more I thought about my gloves and my yellowness the more depressed I got and I decided while I was walking and all to stop off and have a drink somewhere I'd only had three drinks at eares and I didn't even finish the last one one thing I have it's a terrific capacity I can drink all night and not even show it if I'm in the mood once at the Wooten school this other boy Raymond Goldfarb and I bought a pint of scotch and drank it in the chapel one Saturday night when nobody' see us he got stinking but I hardly didn't even show it I just got very cool and non L I puked before I went to bed but I didn't really have to I forced myself anyway before I got to the hotel I started to go into this dumpy looking bar but two guys came out drunk as hell and wanted to know where the subway was one of them was this very Cuban looking guy and he kept breathing his stinking breath in my face while I gave him directions I ended up not even going in the damn bar I just went back to the hotel the whole Lobby was empty it smelled like 50 million dead cigars it really did I wasn't sleepy or anything but I was feeling sort of lousy depressed and all I almost wished I was dead then all of a sudden I got in this big mess the first thing when I got in the elevator the elevator guy said to me interested in having a good time fella or is it too late for you how do you mean I said I didn't know what he was driving at or anything interested in a little tailed night me I said which was a very dumb answer but it's quite embarrassing when somebody comes right up and asks you a question like that how old are you Chief the elevator guy said why I said 22 uhhuh well how about it you interested five bucks a throw 15 bucks the whole night he looked at his wrist watch till noon five bucks a throw 15 bucks till noon okay I said it was against my principles and all but I was feeling so depressed I didn't even think that's the whole trouble when you're feeling very depressed you can't even think okay what a throw or till noon I got to know just a throw okay what room you in I looked at the red thing with my number on it on my key 1222 I said I was already sort of sorry I'd let the thing start rolling but it was too late now okay I'll send up a girl in about 15 minutes he opened the doors and I got out hey is she goodlook I asked him I don't want any old bag no old bag don't worry about it Chief who do I pay her he said let's go chief he shut the doors practically right in my face I went to my room and put some water on my hair but you can't really comb a crew cut or anything then I tested to see my breath stank from so many cigarettes and the scotch and sodas I drank at Ernie all you do is you hold your hand up over your mouth and blow your breath up towards the old nostrils I didn't seem to stink much but I brushed my teeth anyway then I put on another clean shirt I knew I didn't have to get all dolled up for a prostitute or anything but it sort of gave me something to do I was a little nervous I was starting to feel pretty sexy and all but I was a little nervous anyway if you want to know the truth I'm a virgin I really am I've had quite a few opportunities to lose my virginity and all but I've never got around to it yet something always happens for instance if you're at a girl's house your parents always come home at the wrong time or you're afraid they will or if you're in the backseat of somebody's car there's always somebody's date in the front seat some girl I mean that always wants to know what's going on all over the whole goddamn car I mean some girl in front keeps turning around to see what the hell's going on anyway something always happens I came quite close to doing it a couple of times though one time in particular I remember something went wrong though I don't even I don't even remember what anymore the thing is most of the time when you're coming pretty close to doing it with a girl a girl that isn't a prostitute or anything I mean she keeps telling you to stop the trouble with me is I stop most guys don't I can't help it you never know whether they really want you to stop or whether they're just scared as hell or whether they're just telling you to stop so that if you do go through with it the blame will be on you not them anyway I kept stopping the trouble is I get to feeling sorry for them I mean most girls are so dumb and all after you neck them for a while you can really watch them losing their brains you take a girl when she really gets passionate she just hasn't any brains I don't know they tell me to stop so I stop I always wish I hadn't after I take them home but I kept doing it anyway anyway while I was putting on another clean shirt i s ort of figured this was my big chance in a way I figured if she was a prostitute and all I could get in some practice on her in case I ever get married or anything I worry about that stuff sometimes I read this book once at the Wooten school that had this very sophisticated swaave sexy guy in it Monsur blanar was his name I can still remember it was a lousy book but this Blanchard guy was pretty good he had this big Chateau and all on the Riviera in Europe and all he did in his spare time was beat women off with a club he was a real rake and all but he knocked women out he said in this one part that a woman's body is like a violin and all and that it takes a terrific musician to play it right it was a very corny book I realized that but I couldn't get that violin stuff out of my mind anyway in a way that's why I sort of wanted to get some practice in in case I ever get married Coffield and his magic violin boy it's corny I realize but it isn't too corny I wouldn't mind being pretty good at that stuff half the time if you really want to know the truth when I'm horsing around with the girl I have a hell of a lot of trouble just finding what I'm looking for for God's sake if you know what I mean take this girl that I just missed having sexual intercourse with that I told you about it took me an hour just to get her goddamn braier off by the time I did get it off she was about ready to spit in my eye anyway I kept walking around the room waiting for this prostitute to show up I kept hoping she'd be good-looking I didn't care too much though I just sort of wanted to get it over with finally somebody knocked on the door and when I went to open it I had my suitcase right in the way and I fell over it and damn near broke my knee I always pick a gorgeous time to fall over a suitcase or something when I open the door this prostitute was standing there she had a polo coat on and no hat she was sort of a blonde but you could tell she dyed her hair she wasn't any old bag though how do you do I said swab as hell boy you the guy Maurice said she asked me she didn't seem too godamn friendly is he the elevator boy yeah she she said yes I am come in won't you I said I was getting more and more nonchalant as I went along I really was she came in and took her coat off right away and sort of chucked it on the bed she had on a green dress underneath then she sort of sat down sideways in the chair that went with the desk in the room and started jiggling her foot up and down she crossed her legs and started jiggling this one foot up and down she was very nervous for a prostitute she really was I think it was because she was young as hell she was around my age I sat down in the big chair next to her and offered her a cigarette I don't smoke she said she had a tiny little weeny whiny voice you could hardly hear her she never said Thank you either when you offered her something she just didn't know any better allow me to introduce myself my name is Jim steel I said you got a watch on you she said she didn't care what the hell my name was naturally hey how old are you anyway me 22 like fun you are it was a funny thing to say it sounded like a real kid you'd think a prostitute and all would say like hell you are or cut the crap instead of like fun you are how old are you I asked her old enough to know better she said she was really witty you got a watch on you she asked me again and then she stood up and pulled her dress over her head I certainly felt peculiar when she did that I mean she did it so suddenly and all I know you're supposed to feel pretty sexy when somebody gets up and pulls their dress over their head but I didn't sexy was about the last thing I was feeling I felt much more depressed than sexy you got a watch on you hey no I don't I said boy I was feeling peculiar what's your name I asked her all she had on was this pink slip it was really quite embarrassing it really was sunny she said let's go honey don't you feel like talking for a while I asked her it was a childish thing to say but I was feeling so damn peculiar are you in a very big hurry she looked at me like I was a mad man what the heck you want to talk about she said I don't know nothing special I just thought perhaps you might care to chat for a while she sat down in the chair next to the desk again she didn't like it though you could tell she started jiggling her foot again boy she was a nervous girl would you care for a cigarette now I said I forgot you didn't smoke I don't smoke listen if you're going to talk do it I got things to do I couldn't think of anything to talk about though I thought of asking her how she got to be a prostitute and all but I was scared to ask she probably wouldn't have told me anyway you don't come from New York do you I said finally that's all I could think of Hollywood she said then she got up and went over to where she'd put her dress down on the bed you got a hanger I don't want to get my dress all wrinkly it's brand clean sure I said right away I was only too glad to get up and do something I took her dress over to the closet and hung it up for her it was funny it made me feel sort of sad when I hung it up I thought of her going in a store and buying it and nobody in the store knowing she was a prostitute and all and the salesman probably just thought she was a regular girl when she bought it it made me feel sad as hell I don't know why exactly I sat down again and tried to keep the old conversation going she was a lousy conversationalist you work every night I asked her it sounded sort of awful after IID said it yeah she was walking around the room she picked up the menu off the desk and read it what do you do during the day she sort of shrugged her shoulders she was pretty skinny sleep go to the show she put the menu down and looked at me let's go hey I haven't got all look I said I don't feel very much like myself tonight I've had a rough night honest to God I'll I'll pay you and all but do you mind very much if we don't do it do you mind very much the trouble was I just didn't want to do it I felt more depressed than sexy if you want to know the truth she was depressing her green dress hanging in the closet and all and besides I don't think I could ever do it with somebody that sits in a stupid movie all day long I really don't think I could she came over to me with this funny look on her face like as if she didn't believe me nothing's the matter boy was I getting nervous the thing thing is I had an operation very recently yeah where on my uh what you what do you call it my clav my clava cord yeah where the hell's that the clava cord I said well actually it's in the spinal canal I mean it's quite a way down in the spinal canal yeah she said that's tough then she sat down in my goddamn lap you're cute she made me so nervous I just kept on lying my head off I'm still recuperating I told her you look like a guy in the movies you know who's this H oh you know who I mean what the heck is his name I don't know I said she wouldn't get off my goddamn lap sure you know he was in that picture with Melvin Douglas the one that was Melvin Douglas's kid brother that falls off this boat you know who I mean no I don't I go to the movies as seldom as I can then she started getting funny crude in all do you mind cutting it out I said I'm not in the mood I just told you I had an operation she didn't get up from my lap or anything but she gave me this terrifically dirty look listen she said I was sleeping when that crazy Maurice woke me up if you think I'm I said I'll pay you for coming and all I really will I have plenty of dough it's just that I'm practically just recovering from a very serious what the hell did you tell that crazy Maurice you wanted a girl for then if you had a goddamn operation on your goddamn what do you call it huh I thought I'd be feeling a lot better than I do I I was a little premature in my calculations no kidding I'm sorry if you'll just get up a second I'll get my wallet I mean it she was sore as hell but she got off my goddamn lap so that I could go over and get my wallet off of the chiffer I took out a $5 bill and handed it to her thanks a lot I told her thanks a million this is a five it costs 10 she was getting funny you could tell I was afraid something like that would happen I really was Maurice said five I told her he said 15 till noon and only 5 for a throw 10 for a throw he said five I'm sorry I really am but that's all I'm going to Shell out she sort of shrugged her shoulders the way she did before and then she said very cold do you mind getting my frock or would it be too much trouble she was a pretty spooky kid even with that little bitty voice she had she could sort of scare you a little bit if she'd been a big old prostitute with a lot of makeup on her face and all she wouldn't have been half as spooky I went and got her dressed Dr for her she put it on and all and then she picked up her Polo coat off the bed so long crumb bum she said so long I said I didn't thank her or anything I'm glad I didn't chapter 14 after old Sunny was gone I sat in the chair for a while and smoked a couple of cigarettes it was getting daylight outside boy I felt miserable I felt so depressed you can't imagine what I did I started talking sort of out loud to Ally I do that sometimes when I get very depressed I keep telling him to go home and get his bike and meet me in front of Bobby Fallon's house Bobby Fallon used to live quite near us in Maine that is years ago anyway what happened was one day Bobby and I were going over to Lake Sago on our bikes we were going to take our lunches and all and our BB guns we were kids and all and we thought we could shoot something with our BB guns anyway Ally heard us talking about it and he wanted to go and I wouldn't let him I told him he was a child so once in a while now when I get very depressed I keep saying to him okay go home and get your bike and meet me in front of Bobby's house hurry up it wasn't that I didn't use to take him with me when I went somewhere I did but that one day I didn't he didn't get sore about it though he never got sore about anything but I keep thinking about it anyway whenever I I get very depressed finally though I got undressed and got in bed I felt like praying or something when I was in bed but I couldn't do it I can't always pray when I feel like it in the first place I'm sort of an atheist I like Jesus and all but I don't care too much for most of the other stuff in the Bible take the disciples for instance they annoy the hell out of me if you want to know the truth they were all right after Jesus was dead and all but while he was alive they were about as much used to him as a whole in head all they did was keep letting him down I like almost anybody in the Bible better than the disciples if you want to know the truth the guy I like best in the Bible next to Jesus was that lunatic and all that lived in the tombs and kept cutting himself with stones I like him 10 times as much as the disciples that poor bastard I used to get in quite a few arguments about it when I was at the Wooten school with this boy that lived down the corridor Arthur child's old child was a Quaker and all he read the Bible all the time he was a very nice kid and I liked him but I could never see I die with him on a lot of stuff in the Bible especially the disciples he kept telling me if I didn't like the disciples then I didn't like Jesus and all he said that because Jesus picked the disciples he were supposed to like them I said I knew he picked them but that he picked them at random I said he didn't have time to go around analyzing everybody I said I wasn't blaming Jesus or anything it wasn't his fault that he didn't have any time I remember I asked old child if he thought Judas the one that betrayed Jesus and all went to hell after he committed suicide child said certainly that's exactly where I disagreed with him I said I'd bet a thousand bucks that Jesus never sent old Judas to hell I still would too if I had a thousand bucks I think any one of the disciples would have sent him to hell and all and fast too but I'll bet anything Jesus didn't do it old child said the trouble with me was that I didn't go to church or anything he was right about that in a way I don't in the first place my parents are different religions and all the children in her family are atheist if you want to know the truth I can't even stand ministers the ones they've had at every school I've gone to all have these holy Joe voices when they start giving their sermons God I hate that I don't see why the hell they can't talk in their natural voice they sound so phony when they talk anyway when I was in bed I couldn't pray withth a damn every time I got started I kept picturing old Sunny calling me a crumb bum finally I sat up in bed and smoked another cigarette it tasted lousy I must have smoked two packs since I left peny all of a sudden while I was laying there smoking somebody knocked on the door I kept hoping it wasn't my door they were knocking on but I knew damn well it was I don't know how I knew but I knew I knew who it was too I'm psychic who's there I said I was pretty scared I'm very yellow about these things they just knocked again though louder finally I got out of bed with just my pajamas on and opened the door I didn't even have to turn the light on in the room because it was already daylight old Sunny and Maurice the pimpy elevator guy were standing there what's the matter what what do you want I said boy my voice was shaking like hell nothing much old Maurice said just five bucks he did all the talking for the two of them old Sunny just stood there next to him with her mouth open and all I paid her already I gave her five bucks ask her I said boy was my voice shaking it's 10 bucks Chief I told you that 10 bucks for a throw 15 bucks till noon I told you that you did not tell me that you said five bucks a throw you said 15 bucks till noon all right but I distinctly heard you open up chief what for I said God my old heart was down near beating me out of the room I wish I was dressed at least it's terrible to be in just your pajamas when something like this happens let's go Chief old Maurice said then he gave me a big shove with his crummy hand my damn near fell over on my can he was a huge son of a [ __ ] the next thing I knew he and old Sunny were both in the room they acted like they owned the damn place old Sunny sat down on the window sill old Maurice sat down in the big chair and loosened his collar and all he was wearing the elevator operator's uniform boy was I nervous all right Chief let's have it I got to get back to work I told you about 10 times I don't owe you a scent I already gave her five cut the crap now let's have it why should I give her another five bucks I said my voice was cracking all over the place you're trying to Chisel me old Maurice unbuttoned his whole uniform coat all he had on underneath was a phony shirt collar but no shirt or anything he had a big fat hairy stomach nobody's trying to Chisel nobody he said let's have it chief no when I said that he got up from his chair and started walking towards me and all he looked like he was very very tired or very very bored God was I scared I sort of had my arms folded I remember it wouldn't have been so bad I don't think if I hadn't had just my goddamn pajamas on let's have it chief he came right up to where I was standing that's all he could say let's have it chief he was a real [ __ ] no Chief you're going to force me in a rough and Young a little bit I don't want to do it but that's the way it looks he said you owe us five bucks I don't owe you five bucks I said if you rough me up I'll yell like hell I'll wake up everybody in the hotel the police and all my voice was shaking like a bastard go ahead yell your goddamn head off fine old Marie said want your parents to know you spent the night with a [ __ ] highclass kid like you he was pretty sharp in his crummy way he really was leave me alone if you said 10 it' be different but you distinctly are you going to let us have it he had me right up against the damn door he was almost standing on top of me his crummy old hairy stomach and all leave me alone get the hell out of my room I said I still had my arms folded and all God what a jerk I was then Sunny said something for the first time hey Maurice want me to get his wallet she said it's right on the Whatchamacallit yeah get it leave my wallet alone I already got it sunny said she waved five bucks at me see all I'm taking is the five you owe me I'm no crook all of a sudden I started to cry I'd give anything if I hadn't but I did no you're no Crooks I said you're just stealing five shut up old Maurice said and gave me a shove leave him alone hey Sunny said come on hey we got the dough he owes us let's go come on hey I'm coming old Maurice said but he didn't I mean it Maurice hey leave him alone who's hurting anybody he said innocent as hell then what he did he snapped his finger very hard on my pajamas I won't tell you where he snapped it but it hurt like hell I told him he was a goddamn dirty [ __ ] what's that he said he put his hand behind his ear like a deaf guy what's that what am I I was still sort of crying I was so damn mad and nervous and all you're a dirty [ __ ] I said you're a stupid chisling [ __ ] and in about 2 years you'll be one of those Scraggy guys that come up to you on the street and ask for a dime for coffee you'll have your filthy dirty overcoat and you'll be I didn't even try to get out of the way or duck or anything all I felt was this terrific punch in my stomach I wasn't knocked out or anything though because I remember looking up from the floor and seeing them both go out the door and shut it then I stayed on the floor a fairly long time sort of the way I did with strad ladder only this time I thought I was dying I really did I thought I was drowning or something the trouble was I could hardly breathe when I did finally get up I had to walk to the bathroom all doubled up and holding on to my stomach and all but I'm crazy I swear to God I am about halfway to the bathroom I sort of started pretending I had a bullet in my guts old Maurice had plugged me now I was on the way to the bathroom to get a good shot of bourbon or something to steady my nerves and help me really go into action I pictured myself coming out of the godamn bathroom dressed in all with my automatic in my pocket and staggering around a little bit then I'd walk down stairs instead of using the elevator I'd hold on to the banister and all with this Blood trickling out the side of my mouth a little at a time what I'd do I'd walk down a few floors holding on to my guts blood leaking all over the place and then I'd ring the elevator Bell as soon as old Maurice opens the door he'd see me with the automatic in my hand and he'd start screaming at me in the very high pitched yellow bellied voice to leave him alone but I'd plug him anyway six shots right through his fat hairy belly then I'd throw my automatic down the Elevator Shaft after I'd wiped off all the fingerprints and all then I'd crawl back into my room and called up Jane and have her come over to bandage up my guts I pictured her holding a cigarette for me to smoke while I was bleeding and all the goddamn movies they can ruin you I'm not k kidding I stayed in the bathroom for about an hour taking a bath and all then I got back in bed took me quite a while to get to sleep I wasn't even tired but finally I did what I really felt like though was committing suicide felt like jumping out of the window I probably would have done it too if I've been sure somebody covered me up as soon as I landed I didn't want a bunch of stupid rubber necks looking at me when I was all gory chapter 15 I didn't sleep too long because I think it was only around 10:00 when I woke up I felt pretty hungry as soon as I had a cigarette the last time I'd eaten was those two hamburgers I had with brard and aley when we went into Ager toown to the movies that was a long time ago it seemed like 50 years ago the phone was right next to me and I started to call down and have them send up some breakfast but I was sort of afraid they might send it up with old Maurice if you think I was dying to see him again you're crazy I just laid around in bed for a while and smoked another cigarette I thought I'd given old Jane a buzz to see if she was home yet and all but I wasn't in the mood what I did do I gave old Sally Hayes a buzz she went to marier Woodruff and I knew she was home because I had this letter from her a couple of weeks ago I wasn't too crazy about her but I'd known her for years I used to think she was quite intelligent in my stupidity the reason I did was because she knew quite a lot about the theater and plays and literature and all that stuff if somebody knows quite a lot about those things it takes you quite a while to find out whether they're really stupid or not it took me years to find it out in Old Sally's case I think I'd have found it out a lot sooner if we hadn't necked so damn much my big trouble is I always sort of think whoever I'm necking is a pretty intelligent person it hasn't got a goddamn thing to do with it but I keep thinking it anyway anyway I gave her a buzz first the maid answered then her father then she got on Sally I said yes who is this she said she was quite a little phony I'd already told her father who it was Holden Coffield how are you Holden I'm fine how are you swell listen how are you anyway I mean how's school fine she said I mean you know swell well listen I was wondering if you were busy today it's Sunday but there's always one or two matina going on Sunday benefits and that stuff would you care to go I'd love to grand grand if there's one word I hate it's Grand it's so phony for a second I was tempted to tell her to forget about the matina but we chewed the fat for a while that is she chewed it you couldn't get a word in edgewise first she told me about some Harvard guy it probably was a freshman but she didn't say naturally that was rushing hell out of her calling her up night and day night and day that killed me then she told me about some other guy some West Point Cadet that was cutting his throat over her too big deal I told her to meet me under the clock at the buildmore at 2:00 and not to be late because the show probably start at 2:30 she was always late then I hung up she gave me a pain in the ass but she was very good-looking after I made the date with old Sally I got out of bed and got dressed and packed my bag I took a look out the window before I left the room though to see how all the perverts were doing but they all had the shades down they were the height of modesty in the morning then I went down in the elevator and checked out I didn't see old Maurice around anywhere I didn't break my neck looking for him naturally the bastard I got a cab outside the hotel but I didn't have the faintest damn idea where I was going I had no place to go it was only Sunday and I couldn't go home till Wednesday or Tuesday the soonest and I certainly didn't feel like going to another hotel and getting my brains beat out so what I did I told the driver to take me to Grand Central Station it was right near the builtmore where I was meeting Sally later and I figured what I'd do I'd check my bags in one of those strong boxes they give you a key to then get some breakfast I was sort of hungry while I was in the cab I took out my wallet and sort of counted my money I don't remember exactly what I had left but it was no fortune or anything I'd spent a king's Ransom in about two lousy weeks I really had I'm a goddamn spendthrift at heart what I don't spend I lose half the time I sort of even forget to pick up my change at restaurants and nightclubs and all it drives my parents crazy you can't blame them my father's quite wealthy though I don't know how much he makes he's never discussed that stuff with me but I imagine quite a lot he's a corporation lawyer those boys really haul it in another reason I know he's quite well off he's always in investing money in shows on Broadway they always flop though and it drives my mother crazy when he does it she hasn't felt too healthy since my brother Ally died she's very nervous that's another reason why I hated like hell for her to know I got the axe again after I put my bags in one of those strong boxes at the station I went into this little Sandwich Bar and had breakfast I had quite a large breakfast for me orange juice bacon and eggs toast and coffee usually I just drink some orange juice I'm a very light eater I really am that's why I'm so damn skinny I was supposed to be on this diet where you eat a lot of starches and crap to gain weight and all but I didn't ever do it when I'm out somewhere I generally just eat a Swiss cheese sandwich and a malted milk it isn't much but you get quite a lot of vitamins in the malted milk HV Cofield Holden vitamin Coffield while I was eating my eggs these two nuns with suitcases and all I guess they were moving to another Convent or something and were waiting for a train came in and sat down next to me at the counter they didn't seem to know what the hell to do with their suitcases so so I gave them a hand they were these very inexpensive looking suitcases the ones that aren't genuine leather or anything it isn't important I know but I hate it when somebody has cheap suitcases it sounds terrible to say it but I can even get to hate somebody just looking at them if they have cheap suitcases with them something happened once for a while while I was at Elton Hills I red with this boy dick slagel that had these very inexpensive suitcases he used to keep them under the bed instead of on the rack so that nobody' see them stand standing next to mine it depressed holy hell out of me and I kept wanting to throw mine out or something or even trade with him mine came from Mark cross and they were genuine cow hide and all that crap and I guess they cost quite a pretty penny but it was a funny thing here's what happened what I did I finally put my suitcases under my bed instead of on the racks that old Slagle wouldn't get a goddamn inferiority complex about it but here's what he did the day I put mine under my bed he took them out and put them back on the rack the reason he did it it took me a while to find out was because he wanted people to think my bags were his he really did he was a very funny guy that way he was always saying snotty things about them my suitcases for instance he kept saying they were too new in boua that was his favorite goddamn word he read it somewhere or heard it somewhere everything I had was boua as hell even my fountain pen was boua he borrowed it off of me all the time but it was bgea anyway we we only roomed together about 2 months then we asked to be moved and the funny thing was I sort of missed him after we moved because he had a hell of a good sense of humor and we had a lot of fun sometimes I wouldn't be surprised if he missed me too at first he only used to be kidding when he called my stuff bgea and I didn't give a damn it was sort of funny in fact then after a while you could tell he wasn't kidding anymore the thing is it's really hard to be roomates with people if your suitcases are much better than theirs if yours are really good ones and theirs aren't you think if they're intelligent and all the other person and have a good sense of humor that they don't give a damn whose suitcases are better but they do they really do it's one of the reasons why I roomed with a stupid bastard like Strat ladder at least his suitcases were as good as mine anyway those two nuns were sitting next to me and we sort of struck up a conversation the one right next to me had one of those straw baskets that you see nuns and Salvation Army babes collecting dough with around Christmas time you see them standing on Corners especially on Fifth Avenue in front of the big department stores and all anyway the one next to me dropped hers on the floor and I reached down and picked it up for her I asked her if she was out collecting money for charity and all she said no she said she couldn't get it in her suitcase when she was packing it and she was just carrying it she had a pretty nice smile when she looked at you she had a big nose and she had on these glasses with sort of iron rims that aren't too attractive but she had a hell of a Kind face I I thought if you were taking up a collection I told her I could make a small contribution you could keep the money for when you do take up a collection oh how very kind of you she said and the other one her friend looked over at me the other one was reading a little black book while she drank her coffee it looked like a Bible but it was too skinny it was a Bible type book though all the two of them were eaten for breakfast was toast and coffee that depressed me I hate if I'm eating bacon and eggs or something and somebody else is only eating toast and coffee they let me give them 10 bucks as a contribution they kept asking me if I was sure I could afford it and all I told them I had quite a bit of money with me but they didn't seem to believe me they took it though finally the both of them kept thanking me so much it was embarrassing I swung the conversation around to General topics and asked them where they were going they said they were School teachers that they'd just come from Chicago and that they were going to start teaching at some Convent on 168th Street or 186 Street or one of those streets way the hell up town the one next to me with the iron glasses said she taught English and her friend taught history in American government then I started wondering like a bastard what the one sitting next to me that taught English thought about being a none and all when she read certain books for English books not necessarily with a lot of sexy stuff in them but books with lovers and all in them take old ustasa VI in the return of the Native by Thomas Hardy she wasn't too sexy or anything but even so you can't help wondering what a nun maybe thinks about what she reads about old easia I didn't say anything though naturally all I said was English was my best subject oh really oh I'm so glad the one with the glasses that taught English said what have you read this year I'd be very interested to know she was really nice well most of the time we were on the Anglo-Saxons Bea wolf and old grindle and Lord Randall my son and all those things but we had to read outside books for extra credit once in a while I read the return of the Native by Thomas Hardy and Romeo and Juliet and Julius oh Romeo and Juliet lovely didn't you just love it she certainly didn't sound much like a nun yeah I did I liked it a lot there were a few things I didn't like about it but it was quite moving on the whole what didn't you like about it can you remember to tell you the truth it was sort of embarrassing in a way to be talking about Romeo and Juliet with her I mean that play gets pretty sexy in some parts and she was a nunin all but she asked me so I discussed it with her for a while well I'm not too crazy about Romeo and Juliet I said I mean I like them but I I don't know they get pretty annoying sometimes I mean I felt much sorrier when old Mario got killed when Romeo and Juliet did the thing is I never liked Romeo too much after Mario get stabbed by that other man Juliet's cousin what's his name tibble that's right tibble I said I always forgot that guy's name it was Romeo's fault I mean I liked him the best in the play old Mario I don't know all those monu and capulets they're all right especially Juliet but Mario he was it's hard to explain he was very smart and entertaining in all the thing is it drives me crazy if somebody gets killed especially somebody very smart and entertaining and all and it's somebody else's fault Romeo and Juliet at least it was their own fault what school do you go to she asked me she probably wanted to get off the subject of Romeo and Juliet I told her peny and she'd heard of it she said it was a very good school I let it pass though then the other one the one that taught history and government said they'd better be running along I took their check off of them but they wouldn't let me pay it the one with the glasses made me give it back to her you've been more than generous she said you're a very sweet boy she certainly was nice she reminded me a little bit of old Ernest marrow's mother the one I met on the train when she smiled mostly we've enjoyed talking to you so much she said I said I'd enjoyed talking to them a lot too I meant it too I'd have enjoyed it even more though I think if I hadn't been sort of afraid the whole time I was talking to them that they'd all of a sudden try to find out if I was Catholic Catholics are always trying to find out if you're Catholic it happens to me a lot I know partly because my last name is Irish and most people of Irish descent are Catholics as a matter of fact my father was a Catholic once he quit though when he married my mother but Catholics are always trying to find out if you're a Catholic even if they don't know your last name I knew this one Catholic boy lisis Shaney when I was up at the Wooten school he was the first boy I ever met there he and I were sitting in the first two chairs outside the godamn infirmary the day school opened waiting for our physicals and we sort of struck up this conversation about tennis he was quite interested in tennis and so was I he told me he went to the Nationals at Forest Hill every summer and I told him I did too and then we talked about certain Hot Shot tennis players for quite a while he knew quite a lot about tennis for a kid his age he really did then after a while right in the middle of the goddamn conversation he asked me did you happen to notice where the Catholic church is in town by any chance the thing is you could tell by the way he asked me that he was trying to find out if I was a Catholic he really was not that he was prejudiced or anything but he just wanted to know he was enjoying the conversation about tennis and all but you could tell he would have enjoyed it even more if I was a Catholic and all that kind of stuff drives me crazy I'm not saying it ruined our conversation or anything it didn't but it sure as hell didn't do it any good that's why I was glad those two nuns didn't ask me if I was Catholic it wouldn't have spoiled the conversation if they had but it would have been different probably I'm not saying I blame Catholics I don't I'd be the same way probably if I was Catholic it's just like those suitcases I was telling you about in a way all I'm saying is that it's no good for a nice conversation that's all I'm saying when they got up to go with the two nuns I did something very stupid and embarrassing I was smoking a cigarette and when I stood up to say goodbye to them by mistake I blew some smoke in their face I didn't mean to but I did it I apologized like a mad man and they were very polite nice about it but it was very embarrassing anyway after they left I started getting sorry that I'd only given them 10 bucks for their collection but the thing was I'd made the date to go to a matina with old Sally Hayes and I needed to keep some dough for the tickets and stuff I was sorry anyway though godamn money it always ends up making you blue as hell chapter 16 after I had my breakfast it was only around noon and I wasn't meeting old Sally till 2:00 so I started taking this long walk I couldn't stop thinking about those two nuns I kept thinking about that beat up old straw basket they went around collecting money with when they weren't teaching school I kept trying to picture my mother or somebody or my aunt or Sally Hayes's crazy mother standing outside some department store and collecting dough for poor people in a beat up old straw basket it was hard to picture not so much my mother but those other too my aunt's pretty charitable she does a lot of Red Cross work and all but she's very welld dressed and all and when she does anything charitable she's always very well dressed and has lipstick on and all that crap I couldn't picture her doing anything for charity if she had to wear black clothes and no lipstick while she was doing it and old Sally Hayes's mother Jesus Christ the only way she could go around with a basket collecting dough would be if everybody kissed her ass for her when they made a contribution if they just dropped their dough in her basket then walked away without saying anything to her ignoring her and all she'd quit it in about an hour she'd get bored she'd hand in her basket and then go some place Swanky for lunch that's what I liked about those nuns you could tell for one thing that they never went anywhere Swanky for lunch it made me so damn sad when I thought about it they're never going anywhere Swanky for lunch or anything I knew it wasn't too important but it made me sad anyway I started walking over toward Broadway just for the hell of it cuz I hadn't been over there in years besides I wanted to find a record store that was open on Sunday there was this record I wanted to get for Phoebe called little Shirley beans it was a very hard record to get it was about a little kid that wouldn't go out of the house because two of her front teeth were out and she was ashamed to I heard it at peny a boy that lived on the next floor had it and I tried to buy it off of him because I knew it would knock old feeb out but he wouldn't sell it it was a very old terrific record that this girl singer Estelle Fletcher made about 20 years ago she sings at very dixy land and wh house but it doesn't sound at all mushy if a white girl was singing it she'd make it sound cute as hell but old Estelle Fletcher knew what the hell she was doing and it was one of the best records I ever heard I figured I'd buy it in some store that was open on Sunday and then I'd take it to the park with me it was Sunday and Phoebe goes roller skating in the park on Sundays quite frequently I knew where she hung out mostly L it wasn't as cold as it was the day before but the sun still wasn't out and it wasn't too nice for walking but there was one nice thing this family that you could tell just came out of some church were walking right in front of me a father a mother and a little kid about 6 years old they looked sort of poor the father had on one of those Pearl gray hats that poor guys wear a lot when they want to look sharp he and his wife were just walking along talking not pay any attention to their kid the kid was swell he was walking in the street instead of the sidewalk but right next to the curb he was making out like he was walking a very straight line the way kids do and the whole time he kept singing and humming I got closer so I could hear what he was singing he was singing that song If a body catch a body coming through the Rye he had a pretty little voice too he was just singing for the hell of it you could tell the car zoomed by Brak scream reached all over the place his parents paid no attention to him and he kept on walking next to the curb and singing If a body catch a body coming through the ride it made me feel better it made me feel not so depressed anymore Broadway was mobbed and messy it was Sunday and only about 12:00 but it was mobbed anyway everybody was on their way to the movies the Paramount or the aster or the Strand or the capital or one of those crazy places everybody was all dressed up because it was Sunday and that made it worse but the worst part was that you could tell they all wanted to go to the movies I couldn't stand looking at them I can understand somebody going to the movies because there's nothing else to do but when somebody really wants to go and even walks faster so as to get there quicker then it depresses hell out of me especially if I see millions of people standing in one of those long terrible lines all the way down the block waiting with his terrific patience for seats and all boy I couldn't get off that goddamn Broadway fast enough I was lucky the first record store I went into had a copy of little Shirley beans they charged me five bucks for it because it was so hard to get but I didn't care boy it made me so happy all of a sudden I could hardly wait to get to the park to see if old Phoebe was around so that I could give it to her when I came out of the record store I passed this drug store and I went in I figured maybe I'd give old Jane a buzz and see if she was home from vacation yet so I went in a phone booth and called her up the only trouble was her mother answered the phone so I had to hang up I didn't feel like getting involved in a long conversation in all with her I'm not too crazy about talking to girl's mothers on the phone anyway I should have at least asked her if Jane was home yet though it wouldn't have killed me but I didn't feel like it you really have to be in the mood for that stuff I still had to get those damn theater tickets so I bought a paper and looked up to see what shows were playing on account of it was Sunday there was only about three shows playing so what I did was I went over and bought two Orchestra seats for I know my love it was a benefit performance or something I didn't much want to see it but I knew old Sally the queen of the phonies would start drooling all over the place when I told her I had tickets for that because the luns were in it and all she liked shows that are supposed to be very sophisticated and dry and all with the luns and all I don't I don't like any shows very much if you want to know the truth they're not as bad as movies but there's certainly nothing to Rave about in the first place I hate actors they never act like people they just think they do some of the good ones do in a very slight way but not in a way that's fun to watch and if any actor is really good you can always tell he knows he's good and that spoils it you take Lawrence Olivier for example I saw him in Hamlet DB took Phoebe and I to see it last year he treated us to lunch first and then he took us he'd already seen it and the way he talked about it at lunch I was anxious as hell to see it too but I didn't enjoy it very much I just don't see what's so marvelous about Sir Lawrence Olivier that's all he has a terrific voice and he's a hell of a handsome guy and he's very nice to watch when he's walking or dueling or something but he wasn't at all the way DB said Hamlet was he was too much like a goddamn General instead of a sad screwed up type guy the best part in the whole picture was when aelia's brother the one that gets in the duel with ham at the very end was going away and his father was giving him a lot of advice while the father kept giving him a lot of advice old ailia was sort of horsing around with her brother taking his dagger out of the holster and teasing him and all while he was trying to look interested in the bull his father was shooting that was nice I got a big bang out of that but you don't see that kind of stuff much the only thing feebe liked was when Hamlet patted this dog on the head she thought that was funny and nice and it was what I'll have to do is I'll have to read that play The Trouble with me is I always have to read that stuff by myself if an actor acts it out I hardly listen I keep worrying about whether he's going to do something phony every minute after I got the tickets to the lunch show I took a cab up to the park I should have taken a Subway or something because I was getting slightly low on dough but I wanted to get off that damn Broadway as fast fast as I could it was lousy in the park it wasn't too cold but the sun still wasn't out and there didn't look like there was anything in the park except dog crap and Globs of spit and cigar butts from old men and the benches all looked like they'd be wet if you sat down on them it made you depressed and every once in a while for no good reason you got Goose flesh while you walked it didn't seem at all like Christmas was coming soon it didn't seem like anything was coming but I kept walking over to the mall anyway because that's where Fe BB usually goes when she's in the park she likes to skate near the Bandstand it's funny that's the same place I used to like to skate when I was a kid when I got there though I didn't see her around anywhere there were a few kids around skating and all and two boys were playing fly ups with a softball but no Phoebe I saw one kid about her age though sitting on a bench all by herself tightening her skate I thought maybe she might know Phoebe and could tell me where she was or something so I went over and sat down next to her and asked her do you know Phoebe Coffield by any chance who she said all she had on was jeans and about 20 sweaters you could tell her mother made them for her cuz they were lumpy as hell Phoebe Coffield she lives on 71st Street she's in the fourth grade over at you know Phoebe yeah I'm her brother you know where she is she's in Miss Ken's class isn't she the kid said I don't know yes I think she is she's probably in the museum then we went last Saturday the kid said which museum I asked her she Shrugged her shoulders sort of I don't know she said the museum I know but the one where the pictures are or the one where the Indians are the one where the Indians thanks a lot I said I got up and started to go but then I suddenly remembered it was Sunday this is Sunday I told the kid she looked up at me oh then she isn't she was having a hell of a time tightening her skate she didn't have any gloves on or anything and her hands were all red and cold I gave her a hand with it boy I hadn't had a skate key in my hand for years it didn't feel funny though you could put a skate key in my hand 50 years from now in pitch dark and I'd still know what it is she thanked me and all when I tightened it for her she was a very nice polite little kid God I love it when a kid's nice and polite when you tighten their skate for them or something most kids are they really are I asked her if she'd care to have a hot chocolate or something with me but she said no thank you she said she had to meet her friend kids always have to meet their friend that kills me even though it was Sunday and Phoebe wouldn't be there with her class or anything and even though it was so Dam and lousy out I walked all the way through to the park over to the Museum of Natural History I knew that was the museum the kid with the skate key meant I knew the whole museum routine like a book Phoebe went to the same school I went to when I was a kid and we used to go there all the time we had this teacher Miss agener that took us there damn near every Saturday sometimes we looked at the animals and sometimes we looked at the stuff the Indians had made in ancient times pottery and and straw baskets and all stuff like that I get very happy when I think about it even now I remember after we looked at all the Indian stuff usually we went to see some movie in this big Auditorium Columbus they were always shown Columbus discovering America having one hell of a time getting old Ferdinand and Isabella to lend him the dough to buy ships with and then the sailors mutinying on him and all nobody gave too much of a damn about old Columbus but you always had a lot of candy and gum and stuff with you and the inside of that Auditorium had such a nice smell it always smelled like it was raining outside even if it wasn't and you were in the only nice dry cozy place in the world I loved that damn Museum I remember you had to go through the Indian room to get to the auditorium it was a long long room and you were only supposed to whisper the teacher would go first then the class you'd be too rows of kids and you'd have a partner most of the time my partner was this girl named Gertrude LaVine she always wanted to hold your hand and her hand was always sticky or sweaty or something the floor was all Stone and if you had some marbles in your hand and you dropped them they bounced like Mad Men all over the floor and made a hell of a racket and the teacher would hold up the class and go back and see what the hell was going on she never got sore though Miss agen tinger then you'd pass by this long long Indian War canoe about as long as three goddamn Cadillacs in a row with about 20 Indians in it some of them paddling some of them just standing around looking tough and they all had war paint all over their faces there was one very spooky guy in the back of the canoe with a mask on he was the witch doctor he gave me the creeps but I liked them anyway another thing if you touched one of the paddles or anything while you were passing one of the guards would say to you don't touch anything children but he always said it in a nice voice not like a goddamn cop or anything then you'd pass by this big glass case with Indians inside it rubbing sticks together to make a fire and a squa weaving a blanket the squa that was weaving the blanket was sort of bending over and you could see your bosom and all we all used to sneak a good look at it even the girls because they were only little kids and they didn't have any more bosom than we did then just before you went inside the auditorium right near the doors you passed this Eskimo he was sitting over a hole in this icy lake and he was fishing through it he had about two fish right next to the hole that he' already caught boy that museum was full of glass cases there were even more upstairs with deer inside them drinking at water holes and birds flying south for the winter the birds nearest you were all stuffed and hung up on wires and the ones in the back were just painted on the the wall but they all looked like they were really flying south and if you bent your head down and sort of looked at them upside down they looked in an even bigger hurry to fly south the best thing though in that museum was that everything always stayed right where it was nobody'd move you could go there a 100,000 times and that Eskimo would still be just finished catching those two fish the birds would still be on their way South the deers would still be drinking out of that water hole and their pretty antlers and their pretty skinny legs and that Squall with a naked bosom would still be weaving that same blanket nobody'd be different the only thing that would be different would be you not that you'd be so much older or anything it wouldn't be that exactly you'd just be different that's all you'd have an Overcoat on this time or the kid that was your partner in line last time had got scarlet fever and you'd have a new partner or you'd have a substitute taking the class instead of Mrs agen tinger where you'd heard your mother and father having a terrific fight in the bathroom I mean you'd be different in some way I can't explain what I mean and even if I could I'm not sure I'd feel like it I took my old hunting hat out of my pocket while I walked and put it on I knew I wouldn't meet anybody that knew me and it was pretty damp out I kept walking and walking and I kept thinking about old Phoebe going to that museum on Sat Saturdays the way I used to I thought how she'd see the same stuff I used to see and how she'd be different every time she saw it it didn't exactly depress me to think about it but it didn't make me feel gay as hell either certain things they should stay the way they are you ought to be able to stick them in one of those big glass cases and just leave them alone I know that's impossible but it's too bad anyway anyway I kept thinking about all that while I walked I passed by this playground and stopped and watched a couple of very tiny kids on a seesaw one of them was sort of fat and I put my hand on the skinny kids end to sort of even up the weight but you could tell they didn't want me around so I let them alone then a funny thing happened when I got to the museum all of a sudden I wouldn't have gone inside for a million bucks it just didn't appeal to me and here I'd walk walked through the whole goddamn Park and looked forward to it and all If Phoebe had been there I probably would have but she wasn't so all I did in front of the museum was get a cab and go down to the builtmore I didn't feel much like going I'd made that damn date with Sally though chapter 17 it was early when I got there so I just sat down on one of those leather couches right near the clock walk in the lobby and watched the girls a lot of schools were home for vacation already and there were about a million girls sitting and standing around waiting for their dates to show up girls with their legs crossed girls with their legs not crossed girls with terrific legs girls with lousy legs girls that looked like swell girls girls that looked like they'd be [ __ ] if you knew them it was really nice sightseeing if you know what I mean in a way it was sort of depressing too because you kept wondering what the hell would happen to all of them when they got out of school and college I mean you figured most of them would probably marry Dopey guys guys that always talk about how many miles they get to a gallon in their godamn cars guys that get sore and childish as hell if you beat them at golf or even just some stupid game like pingpong guys that are very mean guys that never read books guys that are very boring but I have to be careful about that I mean about calling certain guys bores I don't understand boring guys I really don't when I was at Elton Hills I red for about 2 months with this boy Harris mackam he was very intelligent and all but he was one of the biggest bores I ever met he had one of these very raspy voices and he never stopped talking practically he never stopped talking and what was awful was he never said anything you wanted to hear in the first place but he could do one thing the son of a [ __ ] could whistle better than anybody I ever heard he'd be making his bed or hanging up stuff in in the closet he was always hanging up stuff in the closet it drove me crazy and he'd be whistling while he did it if he wasn't talking in this raspy voice he could even whistle classical stuff but most of the time he just whistled Jazz he could take something very Jazzy like Tin Roof blues and whistle it so nice and easy right while he was hanging stuff up in the closet that it could kill you naturally I never told him I thought he was a terrific Whistler I mean you don't just go up to somebody and say you're a terrific Whistler but I red with him for about two whole months even though he bored me till I was half crazy just because he was such a terrific Whistler the best I ever heard so I don't know about boor maybe you shouldn't feel too sorry if you see some swell girl getting married to them they don't hurt anybody most of them and maybe they're secretly all terrific whistlers or something who the hell knows not me finally old Sally started coming up the stairs and I started down to meet her she looked terrific she really did she had on this black coat and sort of a Black Beret she hardly ever wore a hat but that Beret looked nice the funny part is I felt like marrying her the minute I saw her I'm crazy I didn't even like her much and yet all of a sudden I felt like I was in love with her and wanted to marry her Holden she said it's marvelous to see you it's been ages she had one of those very loud and embarrassing voices when you met her somewhere she got away with it because she was so damn good-looking but it always gave me a pain in the ass SW to see you I said I meant it too how are you anyway absolutely marvelous am I late I told her no but she was always 10 minutes late as a matter of fact I didn't give a damn though all that crap they have in cartoons in the Saturday evening post and all showing guys on street corners looking sore as hell because their dates are late that's bunk if a girl looks swell when she meets you who gives a damn if she's late nobody we better hurry I said the show starts at 2:40 we started going down the stairs to where the taxis are what are we going to see she said I don't know the luns that's all I could get tickets for the luns oh marvelous I told you she'd go mad when she heard it was for the luns we horsed around a little bit in the cab on the way over to the theater At first she didn't want to because she had her lipstick on and all but I was being seductive as hell and she didn't have any alternative twice when the goddamn cab stopped short in traffic a damn near fell off the seat those damn drivers never even look where they're going I swear they don't then just to show you how crazy I am when we were coming out of this big clinch I told her I loved her and all it was a lie of course but the thing is I meant it when I said it I'm crazy I swear to God I am oh darling I love you too she said then right in the same damn breath she said promise me you'll let your hair grow crew cuts are getting corny and your hair is so lovely lovely my ass the show wasn't as bad as some I've seen it was on the crappy side though it was about 500,000 years in the life of this one old couple it starts out when they're young and all and the girl's parents don't want her to marry the boy but she marries him anyway then they keep getting older and older the husband goes to war and the wife has this brother that's a drunkard I couldn't get very interested I mean I didn't care too much when anybody in the family died or anything they were all just a bunch of actors the husband and wife were a pretty nice old couple very witty and all but I couldn't get too interested in them for one thing they kept drinking tea or some goddamn thing all through the play every time you saw them some Butler was shoving some tea in front of them and the wife was pouring it for somebody and everybody kept coming in and going out all the time you got dizzy watching people sit down and stand up Alfred Lun and Lyn Fontaine were the old couple and they were very good but I didn't like them much they were different though I'll say that they didn't act like people and they didn't act like actors it's hard to explain they acted more like they knew they were celebrities and all I mean they were good but they were too good when one of them got finished making a speech the other one said something very fast right after it it was supposed to be like people really talk and interrupting each other and all the trouble was it was too much like people talking and interrupting each other they acted a little bit the way old Ernie down in the village plays the piano if you do something too good then after a while if you don't watch it you start showing off and then you're not as good anymore but anyway they were the only ones in the show the luns I mean that looked like they had any real brains I have to admit it at the end of the First Act we went out with all the other jerks for a cigarette what a deal that was you never saw so many phonies in all your life everybody smoking their ears off and talking about the play so that everybody could hear and know how sharp they were some Dopey movie actor was standing near us having a cigarette I don't know his name but he always plays the part of a guy in a war movie that gets yellow before it's time to go over the top he was with some gorgeous blonde and the two of them were trying to be very blaz and all like as if he didn't know people were looking at him modest as hell I got a big bang at it it old Sally didn't talk much except to Rave about the luns because she was busy rubbering and being Charming then all of a sudden she saw some jerk she knew on the other side of the lobby some guy in one of those very dark gray flannel suits and one of those checkered vests strictly ivy league big deal he was standing next to the wall smoking himself to death and looking bored as hell old Sally kept saying I know that boy from somewhere she always knew somebody any place you took her or thought she did she kept saying that till I got bored as hell and I said to her why don't you go over there and give him a big old kiss if you know him he'll enjoy it she got sore when I said that finally though the jerk noticed her and came over and said hello you should have seen the way they said hello you'd have thought they hadn't seen each other in 20 years you'd have thought they'd had baths in the same bathtub or something when they were little kids old buddy ruse it was nauseating the funny part was the probably met each other just once at some phony party finally when they were all done slobbering around old Sally introduced us his name was George or something I don't even remember and he went to Andover big big deal you should have seen him an old Sally asked him how he liked to play he was the kind of phony that had to give themselves room when they answer somebody's question he stepped back and stepped right on the lady's foot behind him he probably broke every toe in her body he said the play itself was no Masterpiece but that the lunts of course were Absolute Angels Angels for Christ's sake angels that killed me then he and old Sally started talking about a lot of people they both knew it was the phoniest conversation you ever heard in your life they both kept thinking of places as fast as they could then they'd think of somebody that lived there and mention their name I was all said to puke when it was time to go sit down again I really was and then when the next ACT was was over they continued their godamn boring conversation they kept thinking of more places and more names of people that lived there the worst part was the jerk had one of these very phony ivy league voices one of these very tired snobby voices he sounded just like a girl he didn't hesitate to Horn in on my date the bastard I even thought for a minute that he was going to get in the goddamn cab with us when the show was over because he walked about two blocks with us but he had to meet a bunch of phonies for cocktails he said I could see them all sitting around in some bar with their goddamn checkered vests criticizing shows and books and women and those tired snobby voices they killed me those guys I sort of hated old Sally by the time we got in the cab after listening to that phony and over bastard for about 10 hours I was all set to take her home and all I really was but she said I have a marvelous idea she was always having a marvelous idea listen she said what time do you have to be home for dinner I mean are you in a terrible hurry or anything do you have to be home any special time me no no special time I said truer word was never spoken boy why let's go ice skating at Radio City that's the kind of ideas she always had ice skating at Radio City you mean right now just for an hour or so don't you want to if you don't want to I I didn't say I didn't want to I said sure if you want to do you mean it don't just say it if you don't mean it I mean I don't give a damn one way or the other not much she didn't you can rent those darling little skating skirts old Sally said Janette Cults did it last week that's why she was so hot to go she wanted to see herself in one of those little skirts that just come down over their button all so we went and after they gave us our skates they gave Sally this little blue butt twitcher of a dress to wear she really did look damn good in it though I have to admit it and don't think she didn't know it she kept walking ahead of me said I'd see how cute her little ass looked it did look pretty cute too I have to admit it the funny part was though we were the worst skaters on the whole goddamn rink I mean the worst and there were some Lulu too old Sally's ankles kept bending in until they were practically on the ice they not only looked stupid as hell but they probably hurt like hell too I knew mine did mine were killing me we must have looked gorgeous and what made it worse there were at least a couple of hundred rubber necks that didn't have anything better to do than stand around and watch everybody falling all over themselves do you want to get a table inside and have a drink or something I said to her finally that's the most marvelous idea you've had all day she said she was killing herself it was brutal I really felt sorry for her we took off our goddamn skates and went inside this bar where you can get drinks and watch the skaters and just stocking feet as soon as we sat down old Sally took off her gloves and I gave her a cigarette she wasn't looking too happy the waiter came up and I ordered a Coke for her she didn't drink and a scotch and soda for myself but the son of a [ __ ] wouldn't bring me one so I had a Coke too then I sort of started lighting matches I do that quite a lot when I'm in a certain mood I sort of let them burn down till I can't hold them anymore than I drop them in the ashtray it's a nervous habit then all of a sudden out of a clear blue sky old Sally said look I have to know are you or aren't you coming over to help me trim the tree Christmas Eve I have to know she was still being snotty on account of her ankles when she was skating I wrote you I would you've asked me about 20 times sure I am I mean I have to know she said she started looking all around the goddamn room all of a sudden I quit lighting matches and sort of leaned nearer to her over the table I had quite a few topics on my mind hey Sally I said what she said she was looking at some girl on the other side of the room did you ever get fed up I said I mean did you ever get scared that everything was going to go lousy unless you did something I mean do you like school and all that stuff it's a terrific boore I mean do you hate it I know it's a terrific bore but do you hate it is what I mean well I don't exactly hate it you always have to well I hate it boy do I hate it I said but it isn't just that it's everything I hate living in New York and all taxi cabs and Madison Avenue buses with the drivers and all always yelling at you to get out at the rear door and being introduced to phony guys that call the luns angels and going up and down in elevators when you just want to go outside and guys fitting your pants all the time at Brooks and people always don't shout please old Sally said which was very funny because I wasn't even shouting take cars I said I said it in this very quiet voice take most people they're crazy about cars they worry if they get a little scratch on them and they're always talking about how many miles they get to a gallon and if they get a brand new car already they start thinking about trading it in for one that's even newer I don't even like old cars I mean they don't even interest me I'd rather have a goddamn horse a horse is at least human for God's sake a horse you can at least I don't even know what you're talking about old Sally said you jump from one you know something I said you're probably the only reason I'm in New York right now or anywhere if you weren't around I'd probably be someplace way the hell off in the woods or some goddamn place you're the only reason I'm around practically you're sweet she said but you could tell if she wanted me to change the damn subject you ought to go to a boy School sometime try it sometime it's full of phonies and all you do is study so that you can learn enough to be smart enough to be able to buy a goddamn Cadillac someday and you have to keep making believe you give a damn if the football team loses and all you do is talk about girls and liquor and sex all day and everybody sticks together in these dirty little goddamn clicks the guys that are on the basketball team stick together the Catholics stick together the goddamn intellectuals stick together the guys that play bridge stick together even the guys that belong to the goddamn book of the month club stick together if you try to have a little intelligent now listen old Sally said lots of boys get more out of school than that I agree I agree they do some of them but that's all I get out of it see that's my point that's exactly my Goddamn point I said I don't get hardly anything out of anything I'm in bad shape I'm in lousy shape you certainly are then all of a sudden I got the idea look I said here's my idea how would you like to get the hell out out of here here's my idea I know this guy down in Greenwich Village that we can borrow his car for a couple of weeks he used to go to the same school I did and he still owes me 10 bucks what we could do is tomorrow morning we could drive up to Massachusetts and Vermont and all around there see it's beautiful as hell up there it really is I was getting excited as hell the more I thought of it and I sort of reached over and took old Sally's goddamn hand what a goddamn fool I was no kidding I said I have about 180 bucks in the bank I can take it out when it opens in the morning and then I could go down and get this guy's car no kidding we'll stay in these cabin camps and stuff like that till the dough runs out then when the dough runs out I could get a job somewhere and we could live somewhere with a brook and all and and later on we we could get married or something I I could chop all our own wood in the winter time and all honest to God we would have a terrific time what do you say come on what do you say will you do it with me please you can't just do something like that old Sally said she sounded sore as hell why not why the hell not stop screaming at me please she said which was crap because I wasn't even screaming at her why can't you why not because you can't that's all in the first place we're both practically children and did you ever stop to think what you'd do if you didn't get a job when your money ran out we'd starve to death the whole thing is so fantastic it isn't even it isn't fantastic I'd get a job don't worry about that you don't have to worry about that what's the matter don't you want to go with me say so if you don't it isn't that it isn't that at all old Sally said I was beginning to hate her in a way we'll have Oodles of time to do those things all those things I mean after you go to college and all and if we should get married and all there'll be Oodles of marvelous places to go to you're just no there wouldn't be there wouldn't be Oodles of places to go at all it would be entirely different I said I was getting depressed ressed as hell again what she said I can't hear you one minute you scream at me and the next you I said no there wouldn't be marvelous places to go to after I went to college and all open your ears it would be different we'd have to go downstairs in elevators with suitcases and stuff we'd have to phone up everybody and tell them goodbye and send them postcards from hotels and all and I'd be working in some office making a lot of dough and riding to work in cabs and Madison Avenue buses and reading newspapers and playing bridge all the time and going to the movies and seeing a lot of stupid shorts and Coming Attractions and news reels news reels Christ almighty there's always a dumb horse race and some dame breaking a bottle over a ship and some chimpanzee riding a goddamn bicycle with pants on it wouldn't be the same at all you you don't you don't see what I mean at all maybe I don't maybe you don't either old s said we both hated each other's guts by that time you could see there wasn't any sense trying to have an intelligent conversation I was sorry as hell had started it come on let's get out of here I said you give me a royal pain in the ass if you want to know the truth boy did she hit the ceiling when I said that I know I shouldn't have said it and I probably wouldn't have ordinarily but she was depressing the hell out of me usually I never say crude things like that to girls boy did she hit the ceiling I apologized like a mad man but she wouldn't accept my apology she was even crying which scared me a little bit because I was a little afraid she'd go home and tell her father I called her a pain in the ass her father is one of those big silent bastards and he wasn't too crazy about me anyhow he once told old Sally I was too goddamn noisy no kidding I'm sorry I kept telling her you're sorry you're sorry that's very funny she said she was still sort of crying and all of a sudden I did feel sort of sorry I'd said it come on I'll take you home no Kidd I can go home by myself thank you if you think I'd let you take me home you're mad no boy ever said that to me in my entire life the whole thing was sort of funny in a way if you thought about it and all of a sudden I did something I shouldn't have I laughed and I have one of these very loud stupid laughs I mean if I ever sat behind myself in a movie or something I'd probably lean over and tell myself to please shut up it made old Sally madder than ever I stuck around for a while apologizing and trying to get her to excuse me but she wouldn't she kept telling me to go away and leave her alone so finally I did it I went inside and got my shoes and stuff and left without her I shouldn't have but I was pretty goddamn Fed Up by that time if you want to know the truth I don't even know why I started all that stuff with her I mean about going away somewhere to Massachusetts and Vermont and all I probably wouldn't have taken her even if she'd wanted to go with me she wouldn't have been anybody to go with the terrible part though is that I meant it when I asked her that's the terrible part I swear to God I'm a Mad Man chapter 18 when I left the skating rink I felt sort of hungry so I went in this drug store and had a Swiss cheese sandwich and a malted and then I went in a phone booth I thought maybe I might give old Jane another buzz and see if she was home yet I mean I had the whole evening free and I thought I'd give her a buzz and if she was home yet take her dancing or something somewhere I never danced with her or anything the whole time I knew her I saw her dancing once though she looked like a very good dancer it was at this 4th of July dance at the club I didn't know her too well then and I didn't think I ought to cut in on her date she was dating this terrible guy Al Pike that went to Cho I didn't know him too well but he was always hanging around the swimming pool he wore the white latex kind of swimming trunks and he was always going off the high dive he did the same lousy old half Gainer all day long it was the only dive he could do but he thought it was very hot stuff all muscles and no brains anyway that's who Jane dated that night I couldn't understand it I swear I couldn't after we started going around together I asked her how come she could date a showoff bastard like alpike Jane said he wasn't a showoff she said he had an inferiority complex she acted like she felt sorry for him or something and she wasn't just putting it on she meant it it's a funny thing about girls every time you mention some guy that's strictly a bastard very mean or very conceited and all and when you mention it to the girl she'll tell you he has an inferiority complex maybe he has but that still doesn't keep him from being a bastard in my opinion girls you never know what they're going to think I once got this girl Roberta Walsh's roommate a date with a friend of mine his name was Bob Robinson and he really had an inferiority complex you could tell he was very ashamed of his parents and all because they said he don't and she don't and stuff like that and they weren't very wealthy but he wasn't a bastard or anything he was a very nice guy but this Roberta Walsh's roommate didn't like him at all she told Roberta he was too conceited and the reason she thought he was conceited was because he happened to mention to her that he was captain of the debating team a little thing like that and she thought he was conceited The Trouble With Girls is if they like a boy no matter how big a bastard he is they'll say he has an inferiority complex and if they don't like him no matter how nice a guy he is or how big an inferiority complex he has they'll say he's conceited even smart girls do it anyway I gave old Jane a buzz again but her phone didn't answer so I had to hang up then I had to look through my address book to see who the hell might be available for the evening the trouble was though my address book only has about three people in it Jane and this man Mr andolini that was my teacher at Elton Hills and my father's office number I keep forgetting to put people's names in so what I did finally I gave old Carl Luca Buzz he graduated from the Wooten school after I left he was about 3 years older than I was and I didn't like him too much but he was one of these very intellectual guys he had the highest IQ of any boy at Wooten and I thought he might want to have dinner with me somewhere and have a slightly intellectual conversation he was very enlightening sometimes so I gave him a buzz he went to Colombia now but he lived on 65th Street and all and I knew he'd be home when I got him on the phone he said he couldn't make it for dinner but that he'd meet me for a drink at 10:00 at the wicker bar on 54th I think he was pretty surprised to hear from me I once called him a fat ass phony I had quite a bit of time to kill till 10:00 so what I did I went to the movies at Radio City it was probably the worst thing I could have done but it was near and I couldn't think of anything else I came in when the godamn stage show was on the Rockets were kicking their heads off the way they do it when they're all in a line with their arms around each other's waist the audience app plotted like mad and some guy behind me kept saying to his wife you know what that is that's Precision he killed me then after the Rockets a guy came out in a tuxedo and roller skates on and started skating under a bunch of little tables and telling jokes while he did it he was a very good skater and all but I couldn't enjoy it much because I kept picturing him practicing to be a guy that roller skates on the stage it seemed so stupid I guess I just wasn't in the right mood then after him they had this Christmas thing they have at Radio City every year all these angels start coming out of the boxes and everywhere guys carrying crucifixes and stuff all over the place and the whole bunch of them thousands of them singing come all you Faithful like mad big deal it's supposed to be religious as hell I know and very pretty and all but I can't see anything religious or pretty for God's sake about a bunch of actors carrying crucifixes all over the stage when they were all finished and started going out of the boxes again you could tell they could hardly wait to get a cigarette or something I saw it with old Sally Hayes the year before and she kept saying how beautiful it was the costumes and all I said old Jesus probably would have puked if he could see it all those fancy costumes and all Sally said I was a Sac religious atheist I probably am the thing Jesus really would have liked would be the guy that plays the kettle drums in the orchestra I've watched that guy since I was about 8 years old my brother Ally and I if we were with our parents and all we used to move our seats and go way down so we could watch him he's the best drummer I ever saw he only gets a chance to bang them a couple of times during a whole piece but he never looks bored when he isn't doing it then when he does bang them he does it so nice and sweet with this nervous expression on his face one time when we went to Washington with my father Ally sent him a postcard but I'll bet he never got it we weren't too sure how to address it after the Christmas thing was over the goddamn picture started it was so putrid I couldn't take my eyes off it it was about this English guy Alex something that was in the war and loses his memory in the hospital and all he comes out of the hospital carrying a cane and limping all over the place all over London not knowing who the hell he is he's really a Duke but he doesn't know it then he meets this nice homey sincere girl getting on a bus her goddamn hat blows off and he catches it then they go upstairs and sit down and start talking about Charles Dickens he's both their favorite author and all he's carrying this copy of Oliver Twist and so is she I could have puked anyway they fell in love right away on account of they're both so nuts about Charles dick and all and he helps her run her publishing business she's a publisher the girl only she's not doing so hot because her brother's a drunkard and he spends all their dough he's a very bitter guy the brother because he was a doctor in the war and now he can't operate anymore because his nerves are shot so he boozes all the time but he's pretty witty and all anyway old Alec writes a book and this girl publishes it and they both make a hat full of dough doing it they're all set to get married when this other girl old Marsha shows up Mara was Alex fiance before he lost his memory and she recognizes him when he's in the store autographing books she tells old Alec he's really a Duke and all and he doesn't believe her and doesn't want to go with her to visit his mother and all his mother's blind as a bat but the other girl the homey one makes him go she's very Noble in all so he goes but he still doesn't get his memory back even when his Great Dane jumps all over him and his mother sticks her fingers all over his face and brings him this teddy bear used to slobber around with when he was a kid but then one day some kids are playing Cricket on the lawn and he gets smacked in the head with a cricket ball then right away he gets his goddamn memory back and he goes in and kisses his mother on the forehead and all then he starts being a regular Duke again and he forgets all about the H Homey baby that has a publishing business I'd tell you the rest of the story but I might puke if I did it isn't that I'd spoil it for you or anything there isn't anything to spoil for Christ's sake anyway it ends up with Alec and the homey babe getting married and the brother that's a drunker gets his nerves back and operates on Alex's mother so she can see again and then the drunken brother and old Marsha go for each other it ends up with everybody at this long dinner table laughing their asses off because the great DNE comes in with a bunch of puppies everybody thought it was a male I suppose or some goddamn thing all I can say is don't see it if you don't want to puke all over yourself the part that got me was there was a lady sitting next to me that cried all through the goddamn picture the phone got the more she cried you'd have thought she did it because she was kindhearted as hell but I was sitting right next to her and she wasn't she had this little kid with her that was bored as hell and he had to go to the bathroom but she wouldn't take him she kept telling him to sit still and behave himself she was about as kind-hearted as a goddamn wolf you take somebody that cries their godamn eyes out over phony stuff in the movies and nine times out of 10 they're mean bastards at heart I'm not kidding after the movie was over I started walking down to the wicker bar where I was supposed to meet old Carl loose and while I walked I sort of thought about war and all those war movies always do that to me I don't think I could stand it if I had to go to war I really couldn't it wouldn't be too bad if they just take you out and shoot you or something but you have to stay in the Army so goddamn long that's the whole trouble my brother DB was in the Army for four goddamn years he was in the war too he landed on D-Day and all but I really think he hated the Army worse than the War I was practically a child at the time but I remember when he used to come home on Furlow and all all he did was lie on his bed practically he hardly ever even came in the living room later when he went overseas and was in the war and all he didn't get wounded or anything and he didn't have to shoot anybody all he had to do was Drive some Cowboy General around all day in a command car he once told Ally and I that if he'd had to shoot anybody he wouldn't have known which direction to shoot in he said the Army was practically as full of bastards as the Nazis were I remember Ally once asked him wasn't it sort of good that he was in the war because he was a writer and it gave him a lot to write about all he made allly go get his baseball mitt and then he asked him who was the best war poet Rupert Brooke or Emily Dickinson Ally said Emily Dickinson I don't know too much about it myself because I don't read much poetry but I do know it would drive me crazy if I had to be in the Army and be with a bunch of guys like akley and strad Ladder and old Maurice All the Time marching with them and all I was in the Boy Scouts once for about a week and I couldn't even stand looking at the back of the guy's neck in front of me they kept telling you to look at the back of the guy's neck in front of you I swear if there's ever Another War they better just take me out and stick me in front of a firing squad I wouldn't object what gets me about DB though he hated the war so much and yet he got me to read this book A Farewell to Arms last summer he said it was so terrific that's what I can't understand it had this guy in it named Lieutenant Henry That was supposed to be a nice guy and all I don't see how DB could hate the Army in war and all so much and still like a phony like that I mean for instance I don't see how he could like a phony book like that and still like that one by ring Larder or that other one he's so crazy about The Great Gatsby DB got sore when I I said that and said I was too young and all to appreciate it but I don't think so I told him I liked ring Larder and The Great Gatsby and all I did too I was crazy about The Great Gatsby old Gatsby old sport that killed me anyway I'm sort of glad they've got the atomic bomb invented if there's ever another war I'm going to sit right the hell on top of it I'll volunteer for it I swear to God I will chapter 19 in case you don't live in New York the wicker bar is in this sort of swanky Hotel the seatan hotel I used to go there quite a lot but I don't anymore I gradually cut it out it's one of those places that are supposed to be very sophisticated in all and all the phonies are coming in the window they used to have these two French babes Tina and Janine come out and play the piano and sing about three times every night one of the played the piano strictly lousy and the other one sang and most of the songs were either pretty dirty or in French the one that sang Old Janine was always Whispering into the goddamn microphone before she sang she'd say and now we like to give you our impression of vuliv Vu France it is the story of a little French girl who comes to a big city just like New York and falls in love with a little boy from Brooklyn we hope you like it then when she was was all done whispering and being cute as hell she'd sing some Dopey song half in English and half in French and drive all the phonies in the place mad with joy if you sat around there long enough and heard all the phonies applauding and all you got to hate everybody in the world I swear you did the bartender was a louse too he was a big snob he didn't talk to you at all hardly unless you were a big shot or a celebrity or something if you were a big shot or a celebrity or something then he was even more nauseating he'd go up to you and say with this big charming smile like he was a hell of a swell guy if you knew him well how's Conneticut or how's Florida it was a terrible place I'm not kidding I cut out going there entirely gradually it was pretty early when I got there I sat down at the bar it was pretty crowded and had a couple of scotch and sodas before old loose even showed up I stood up when I ordered them so they could see how tall I was and all and not think I was a goddamn Miner then I watched the phonies for a while some guy next to me was snowing hell out of the baby was with he kept telling her she had aristocratic hands that killed me the other end of the bar was full of flits they weren't too flitty looking I mean they didn't have their hair too long or anything but you could tell they were flits anyway finally old loose showed up old loose what a guy he was supposed to be my student adviser when I was at Wooten the only thing he ever did though was give these sex talks and all late at night when there was a bunch of guys in his room he knew quite a bit about sex especially perverts and all he was always telling us about a lot of creepy guys that go around having affairs with sheep and guys that go around with girls pants sewed in the lining of their hats and all and flits and lesbians old loose knew who every flit and lesbian in the United States was all you had to do was mention somebody anybody and old loose would tell you if he was a flit or not sometimes it was hard to believe the people he said were flits and lesbians and all movie actors and like that some of the ones he said were flits were even married for God's sake you'd keep saying to him Joe Blow that big tough guy that plays gangsters and Cowboys all the time old Lucid say certainly he was always saying certainly he said it didn't matter if a guy was married or not he said half the married guys in the world were flits and didn't even know it he said you could turn into one practically overnight if you had all the traits and all he used to scare the hell out of us I kept waiting to turn into a flit or something the funny thing about old loose I used to think he was sort of flitty himself in a way he was always saying try this for size and then he'd Goose the hell out of you while you were going down the corridor and whenever he went into the can he always left the goddamn door open and talked to you while you were brushing your teeth or something that stuff's sort of flitty it really is I've known quite a few real spits at schools and all and they're always doing stuff like that and that's why I always had my doubts about old loose he was a pretty intelligent guy though he really was he never said hello or anything when he met you the first thing he said when he sat down was that he could only stay for a couple of minutes he said he had a date then he ordered a dry martini he told the bartender to make it very dry and no Olive hey I got a flit for you I told him at the end of the bar don't look now I've been saving him for you very funny he said Same Old Coffield when are you going to grow up I bored him a lot I really did he amused me though he was one of those guys that sort of amused me a lot how's your sex life I asked him he hated you to ask him stuff like that relax he said just sit back and relax for Christ's sake I'm relaxed I said How's Colombia you like it certainly I like it if I didn't like it I wouldn't have gone there he said he could be pretty boring himself sometimes what are you majoring in I asked him perverts I was only horsing around what are you trying to be funny no I'm only kidding I said listen hey loose you're one of these intellectual guys I need your advice I'm in a terrific he let out this big groan on me oh listen Coffield if you want to sit here and have a quiet peaceful drink and a quiet peaceful conver all right all right I said Relax you could tell he didn't feel like discussing anything serious with me that's the trouble with these intellectual guys they never want to discuss anything serious unless they feel like it so all I did was I started discussing topics in general with him no kidding how's your sex life I asked him you still going around with that same babe you used to at Wooten the one with the terrific good God no he said how come what happened to her I haven't the faintest idea for all I know since you ask she's probably the [ __ ] of New Hampshire by this time that isn't nice if she was decent enough to let you get sexy with her all the time you at least shouldn't talk about her that way oh God old loose said is this going to be a typical Coffield conversation I want to know right now no I said said but it isn't nice anyway if she was decent and nice enough to let you must we pursue this horrible trend of thought I didn't say anything I was sort of afraid he'd get up and leave on me if I didn't shut up so all I did was I ordered another drink I felt like getting stinking drunk who you going around with now I asked him you feel like telling me nobody you know yeah who I might know her girl lives in the village sculpt tress if you must know yeah no kidding how old is she I've never asked her for God's sake well around how old I should imagine she's in her late 30s old loose said in her late 30s yeah you like that I asked him you like him that old the reason I was asking was because he really knew quite a bit about sex and all he was one of the few guys I knew that did he lost his virginity when he was only 14 in Nantucket he really did I like a mature person if that's what you mean certainly you do why no kidding they better for sex and all listen let's get one thing straight I refuse to answer any typical Coffield questions tonight when in hell are you going to grow up I didn't say anything for a while I Let It Drop for a while then old loose ordered another martini and told the bartender to make it a lot drier listen how long you been going around with her this sculpture babe I asked him I was really interested did you know her when you were at Wooten hardly she just arrived in this country a few months ago she did where's she from she happens to be from Shanghai no kidding she Chinese for Christ's sake obviously no kidding do you like that her being Chinese obviously why I'd be interested to know I really would I simply happen to find Eastern philosophy more satisfactory than Western since you ask you do what do you mean philosophy you mean sex and all you mean it's better in China that what you mean not necessarily in China for God's sake the East I said must we go on with this innan conversation listen I'm serious I said no kidding why is it better in the East it's too involv to go into for God's sake old loose said they simply happen to regard sex as both a physical and spiritual experience if you think I'm so do I so do I regard it as a what do you call it a physical and spiritual experience and all I really do but it depends on who the hell I'm doing it with if I'm doing it with somebody I don't even not so loud for God's sake Coffield if you can't manage to keep your voice down let's drop the whole all right but listen I said I was getting excited and I was talking a little too loud sometimes I talk a little too loud when I get excited this is what I mean though I said I know it's supposed to be physical and spiritual and artistic and all but what I mean is you can't do it with everybody every girl you neck with and all and make it come out that way can you let's drop it old loose said do you mind all right but listen take you and this Chinese babe what's so good about you two drop it I said I I was getting a little too personal I realized that but that was one of the annoying things about loose when we were at Wooten he'd make you describe the most personal stuff that happened to you but if you started asking him questions about himself he got sore these intellectual guys don't like to have an intellectual conversation with you unless they're running the whole thing they always want you to shut up when they shut up and go back to your room when they go back to their room when I was at Wooten old loose used to hate it you could really tell he did when after he was finished giving his X talked to a bunch of us in his room we stuck around and chewed the fat by ourselves for a while I mean the other guys in myself in somebody else's room old loose hated that he always wanted everybody to go back to their own room and shut up when he was finished being a big shot the thing he was afraid of he was afraid somebody'd say something smarter than he had he really amused me maybe I'll go to China my sex life is lousy I said naturally you're mind is immature it is it really is I know it I said you know what the trouble with me is I can never get really sexy I mean really sexy with a girl I don't like a lot I mean I have to like her a lot if I don't I lose my goddamn desire for her and all boy it really screws up my sex life something awful my sex life stinks naturally it does for God's sake I told you the last time I saw you what you need you mean to go to a psychoanalyst at all I said that's what he told me I ought to do his father was a psychoanalyst at all it's up to you for God's sake it's not of my goddamn business what you do with your life I didn't say anything for a while I was thinking supposing I went to your father and had him psychoanalyze me and all I said what would he do to me I mean what would he do to me he wouldn't do a goddamn thing to you he'd simply talk to you and you'd talk to him for God's sake for one thing he'd help you to recognize the patterns of your mind the what the patterns of your mind your mind runs in listen I'm not giving an elementary course in psychoanalysis if you're interested call them up and make an appointment if you're not don't I couldn't care less frankly I put my hand on his shoulder boy he amused me you're a real friendly bastard I told him you know that he was looking at his wristwatch I have to tear he said and stood up nice seeing you he got the bartender and told him to bring him his check hey I said just before he beat it did your father ever psychoanalyze you me why do you ask no reason did he though has he not exactly he's helped me to adjust myself to a certain extent but an extensive analysis hasn't been necessary why do you ask no reason I was just wondering well take it easy he said have just one more drink I told him please I'm Lonesome as hell no kidding he said he couldn't do it though he said he was late now and then he left old loose he was strictly a pain in the ass but he certainly had a good vocabulary he had the largest vocabulary of any boy at Wooten when I was there they gave us a test chapter 20 I kept sitting there getting drunk and waiting for old Tina and Janine to come out and do their stuff but they weren't there a flitty looking guy with wavy hair came out and played the piano and then this new babe Valencia came out and sang she wasn't any good but she was better than old Tina and Janine and at least she sang good songs the piano was right next to the bar where I was sitting and all and old Valencia was standing practically right next to me I sort of gave her the old eye but she pretended she didn't even see me I probably wouldn't have done it but I was getting drunk as hell when she was finished she beat it out of the room so fast I didn't even get a chance to invite her to join me for a drink so I called the head waiter over I told him to ask old Valencia if she'd care to join me for a drink he said he would but he probably didn't even give her my message people never give your messages to anybody boy I sat at that goddamn bar till around 1:00 or so getting drunk as a Bast Bard I could hardly see straight the one thing I did though I was careful as hell not to get boisterous or anything I didn't want anybody to notice me or anything or ask how old I was but boy I could hardly see straight when I was really drunk I started that stupid business with the bullet in my guts again I was the only guy at the bar with a bullet in their guts I kept putting my hand under my jacket on my stomach and all to keep the blood from dripping all over the place I didn't want anybody to know I was even wounded I was concealing the fact that I was a wounded son of a [ __ ] finally what I felt like I felt like giving old Jane a buzz and see if she was home yet so I paid my check and all then I left the bar and went out to where the telephones were I kept keeping my hand under my jacket to keep the blood from dripping boy I was drunk but when I got inside this phone booth I wasn't much in the mood anymore to give old Jane a buzz I was too drunk I guess so what I did was I gave old Sally Hayes a buzz I had to dial about 20 numbers before I got the right one boy was I blind hello I said when somebody answered the goddamn phone I sort of yelled it I was so drunk who is this this very cold lady's voice said this is me Holden Coffield let me speak a Sally please Sally's asleep this is Sally's grandmother why are you calling at this hour Holden do you know what time it is yeah I want to talk to Sally very important put her on Sally's a asleep young man call her tomorrow good night wake her up wake her up ad a boy then there was a different voice Holden this is me it was old Sally what's the big idea Sally that you yes stop screaming are you drunk yeah listen hey I'll come over Christmas Eve okay turn my goddamn tree for you okay okay hey Sally yes you're drunk go to bed now where are you who's with you Sally I'll come over trim a tree for you okay okay hey yes go to bed now where are you who's with you nobody me myself and I boy was I drunk I was even still holding on to my guts they got me Rocky's mob got me you know that Sally you know that I can't hear you go to bed now I have to go call me tomorrow hey Sally you want me to turn a treat for you you want me to huh yes good night go home and go to bed she hung up on me good night good night Sally Baby Sally sweetart darling I said can you imagine how drunk I was I hung up too then I figured she'd probably just come home from a date I pictured her out with the luns and all somewhere and that Andover jerk all all them swimming around in a godamn pot of tea and saying sophisticated stuff to each other and being charming and phony I wish to God I hadn't even phoned her when I'm drunk I'm a mad man I stayed in the damn phone booth for quite a while I kept holding onto the phone sort of so I wouldn't pass out I wasn't feeling too marvelous to tell you the truth finally though I came out and went to the men's room staggering around like a [ __ ] and filled one of the wash bowls with cold water then I dunked my head in it right up to the ears I didn't even bother trying to dry it or anything I just let the son of a [ __ ] drip then I walked over to this radiator by the window and sat down on it it was nice and warm it felt good because I was shivering like a bastard it's a funny thing I always shiver like hell when I'm drunk I didn't have anything else to do so I kept sitting on the radiator and Counting those little white squares on the floor I was getting soaked then pretty soon the guy that played the piano for old Valencia this very wavy-haired flitty looking guy came in to comb his golden locks we sort of struck up a conversation while he was combing it except that he wasn't too goddamn friendly hey you going to see that Valencia babe when you go back in the bar I asked him it's highly probable he said witty bastard all I ever meet is witty bastards listen give him a compliments ask her if that goddamn waiter give him a message will you why don't you go home Mac how old are you anyway 86 listen give him a compliments okay why don't you go home Mac not me boy you can play that goddamn piano I told him I was just flattering him he played the piano stinking if you want to know the truth you ought to go on the radio I said handsome chap like you all those goddamn golden locks you need a manager go home Mac like a good guy go home and hit the sack no home to go to no kidding you need a manager he didn't answer me he just went out he was all through combing his hair and patting it out and all so he left like strad ladder all these handsome guys are the same when they're done combing their goddamn hair they beat it on you when I finally got down off the radiator and went out to the Hat check room I was crying and all I don't know why but I was I guess it was because I was feeling so damn depressed and Lonesome then when I went out to the check room I couldn't find my goddamn check the Hat check girl was very nice about it though she gave me my coat anyway and my little Shirley beans record I still had it with me and all I gave her a buck for being so nice but she wouldn't take it she kept telling me to go home and go to bed I sort of tried to make a date with her for when she got through working but she wouldn't do it she said she was old enough to be my mother and all I showed her my goddamn gray hair and told her I was 42 I was only horsing around naturally she was nice though I showed her my goddamn red hunting hat and she liked it she made me put it on before I went out because my hair was still pretty wet she was all right I didn't feel too drunk anymore when I went outside but it was getting very cold out again and my teeth started chattering like hell I couldn't make them stop I walked over to Madison Avenue and started to wait around for a bus because I didn't have hardly any money left and I had to start economizing on cabs and all but it didn't feel like getting on a damn bus and besides I didn't even know where I was supposed to go so what I did I started walking over to the park I figured I'd go by that little Lake and see what the hell the Ducks were doing see if they were around or not I still don't know if they were around or not it wasn't far over to the park and I didn't have any place else special to go to I didn't even know where I was going to sleep yet so I went I wasn't tired or anything I just felt blue as hell then something terrible happened just as I got in the park I dropped old Phoebe's record it broke into about 50 pieces it was in a big envelope and all but it broke anyway I damn near cried it made me feel so terrible but all I did was I took the pieces out of the envelope and put them in my coat pocket they weren't any good for anything but I didn't feel like just throwing them away then I went to the park boy was it dark I've lived in New York all my life and I know Central Park like the back of my hand because I used to roller skate there all the time and ride my bike when I was a kid but I had the most terrific trouble finding that Lagoon that night I knew right where it was it was right near Central Park South and all but I still couldn't find it I must have been drunker than I thought I kept walking and walking and it kept getting darker and darker and spookier and spookier I didn't see one person the whole time I was in the park I'm just as glad I probably would have jumped about a mile if I had then finally I found it what it was it was partly Frozen and partly not frozen but I didn't see any Ducks around I walked all around the whole damn Lake I damn near Fell in once in fact but I didn't see a single duck I thought maybe if there were any around they might be asleep or something near the edge of the water near the grass and all that's how I nearly fell in but I couldn't find any finally I sat down on this bench where it wasn't so goddamn dark boy I was still shivering like a bastard in the back of my hair even though I had my hunting hat on was full of little hunks of ice that worried me I thought probably I'd get pneumonia and die I started picturing millions of jerks coming to my funeral and all my grandfather from Detroit that keeps calling out the numbers of the streets when you're riding a goddamn bus with him and my aunts I have about 50 aunts and all my lousy cousins what a mob it be there they all came when Ally died the whole godamn stupid bunch of them I have this one stupid Aunt with halosis that kept saying how peaceful he looked lying there DB told me I wasn't there I was still still in the hospital I had to go to the hospital after I hurt my hand anyway I kept worrying that I was getting pneumonia with all those hunks of ice in my hair and that I was going to die I felt sorry as hell for my mother and father especially my mother because she still isn't over my brother Ally yet I kept picturing her not knowing what to do with all my suits and athletic equipment and all the only good thing I knew she wouldn't let old Phoebe come to my goddamn funeral because she was only little kid that was the only good part then I thought about the whole bunch of them sticking me in a godamn cemetery and all with my name on this Tombstone and all surrounded by dead guys boy when you're dead they really fix you up I hope to hell when I die somebody has sense enough to just dump me in the river or something anything except sticking me in a godamn cemetery people coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday and all that crap who wants flowers when you're dead nobody when the weather's nice my parents go out quite frequently and stick a bunch of flowers on Old alie's grave I went out with them a couple of times but I cut it out in the first place I certainly don't enjoy seeing him in that crazy Cemetery surrounded by dead guys and tombstones and all it wasn't too bad when the sun was out but twice twice we were there when it started to rain it was awful it rained on his lousy Tombstone and it rained on the grass on his stomach it rained all over the place all the visitors that were visiting the cemetery started running like hell over to their cars that's what nearly drove me crazy all the visitors could get in their cars and turn on their radios and all and then go someplace nice for dinner everybody except Ally I couldn't stand it I know it's only his body and all that's in the cemetery and his souls in heaven and all that crap but I couldn't stand it anyway I just wish he wasn't there you didn't know him if you know him you'd know what I mean it's not too bad when the sun's out but the sun only comes out when it feels like coming out after a while just to get my mind off getting amonia and all I took out my dough and tried to count it in the lousy light from the Street Lamp all I had was three singles and five quarters and a nickel left boy I spent a fortune since I left peny then what I did I went down near the Lagoon and I sort of skipped the quarters and the nickel across it where it wasn't Frozen I don't know why I did it but I did it I guess I thought it would take my mind off getting pneumonia and dying it didn't though I started thinking about how old Phoebe would feel if I got pneumonia and died it was a childish way to think but I couldn't stop myself she'd feel pretty bad if something like that happened she likes me a lot I mean she's quite fond of me she really is anyway I couldn't get that off my mind so finally what I figured i' do I figured I'd better sneak home and see her in case I died and all I had my door key with me and all and I figured what I'd do I'd sneak in the apartment very quiet and all and just sort of chew the fat with her for a while the only thing that worried me was our front door it Creeks like a bastard it's a pretty old apartment house and the superintendent's a lazy bastard and everything creaks and squeaks I was afraid my parents might hear me sneaking in but I decided I'd try it and anyhow so I got the hell out of the park and went home I walked all the way it wasn't too far and I wasn't tired or even drunk anymore it was just very cold and nobody around anywhere chapter 21 the best break I had in years when I got home the regular night elevator boy Pete wasn't on the car some new guy I never seen was on the car so I figured that if I didn't bump smack into my parents and all I'd be able to say hello to Old Phoebe and then beat it and nobody' even know I'd been around it was really a terrific break what made it even better the new elevator boy was sort of on the stupid side I told him in this very casual voice to take me up to the Dicken the dickstein were these people that had the other apartment on our floor I'd already taken off my hunting hat so as not to look suspicious or anything I went in the elevator like I was in a terrific hurry he had the elevator doors all shut in and all and was all set to take me up and then he turned around and said they ain't in they're at a party on the 14th floor that's all right I said I'm supposed to wait for them I'm their nephew he gave me this sort of stupid suspicious look you better wait in the lobby fella he said I'd like to I really would I said but I have a bad leg I have to hold it in a certain position I think I'd better sit down in the chair outside their door he didn't know what the hell I was talking about so all he said was oh and took me up not bad boy it's funny all you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to I got off at our floor limping like a bastard and started walking over toward the dick side then when I heard the elevator doors shut I turned around and went over to our side I was doing all right I didn't even feel drunk anymore then I took out my door key and opened our door quiet as hell then very very carefully and all I went inside and closed the door I really should have been a crook it was dark as hell in the foyer naturally and naturally I couldn't turn on any lights I had to be careful not to bump into anything and make a racket I certainly knew I was home though our foyer has a funny smell that doesn't smell like any place else I don't know what the hell it is it is in cauliflower and it isn't perfume I don't know what the hell it is but you always know you're home I started to take off my coat and hang it up in the foyer closet but that closet's full of hangers that rattle like Mad Men when you open the door so I left it on then I started walking very very slowly back toward Old Phoebe's room I knew the maid wouldn't hear me because she only had one eardrum she had this brother that stuck a straw down her ear when she was a kid she once told me she was pretty deaf and all but my parents especially my mother she had ears like a goddamn Blood Hound so I took it very very easy when I went past their door I even held my breath for God's sake you can hit my father over the head with a chair and he won't wake up but my mother all you have to do to my mother is cough somewhere in Siberia and she'll hear you she's nervous as hell half the time she's up all night smoking cigarettes finally after about an hour I got to Old Phoebe's room she wasn't there though I forgot about that I forgot she always sleeps in DB's room when he's away in Hollywood or someplace she likes it because it's the biggest room in the house also because it has this big old madman desk in it that DB bought off some lady alcoholic in Philadelphia and this big gigantic bed that's about 10 miles wide and 10 miles long I don't know where he bought that bed anyway old Phoebe likes to sleep in Deb's room when he's away and he lets her you ought to see her doing her homework or something at that crazy desk it's almost as big as the bed you can hardly see her when she's doing her homework that's the kind of stuff she likes though she doesn't like her own room because it's too little she says she says she likes to spread out that kills me what's old Phoebe got to spread out nothing anyway I went into DB's room quiet as hell and turned on the lamp on the desk old Phoebe didn't even wake up when the light was on and all I sort of looked at her for a while she was laying there asleep with her face sort of on the side of the pillow she had her mouth Way open it's funny you take adults they look lousy when they're asleep and they have their mouths Way open but kids don't kids look all right they can even have spit all over their pillow and they still look all right I went around the room very quiet and all looking at stuff for a while I felt swell for a change I didn't even feel like I was getting pneumonia or anything anymore I just felt good for a change old Phoebe's clothes were on this chair right next to the bed she's very neat for a child I mean she doesn't just throw her stuff around like some kids she's no slob she had the jacket to this tan suit my mother bought her in Canada hung up on the back of the chair then her blouse and stuff were on the seat her shoes and socks were on the floor right underneath the chair right next to each other I never saw the shoes before they were new they were these dark brown loafers sort of like this pair I have and they went swell with that soup my mother bought her in Canada my mother mother dresses her nice she really does my mother has terrific taste in some things she's no good at buying ice skates or anything like that but clothes she's perfect I mean Phoebe always has some dress on that can kill you you take most little kids even if their parents are wealthy and all they usually have some terrible dress on I wish you could see old Phoebe in that suit my mother bought her in Canada I'm not kidding I sat down on Old DB's desk and looked at the stuff on it it was mostly Phoebe's stuff from school and all mostly books the one on top was called arithmetic is fun I sort of opened the first page and took a look at it this is what old Phoebe had on it Phoebe weatherfield Coffield 4 B1 that killed me her middle name is Josephine for God's sake not weatherfield she doesn't like it though every time I see her she's got a new middle name for herself the book underneath the arithmetic was geography and the book under the geography was a speller she's very good in spelling she's very good in all her subjects but she's best in spelling then under the speller there were a bunch of notebooks she has about 5,000 notebooks you never saw a kid with so many notebooks I opened the one on top and looked at the first page it had on it Bernice meet me at recess I have something very very important to tell you that was all there was on that page the next one had on it why has Southeastern Alaska so many canning factories because there's so much salmon why has it valuable forests because it has the right climate what has our government done to make life easier for the Alaskan Eskimos look it up for tomorrow Phoebe weatherfield Coffield Phoebe weatherfield Coffield Phoebe W Coffield Phoebe weatherfield Coffield Esquire please pass to Shirley Shirley you said said you were Sagittarius but you're only Taurus bring your skates when you come over to my house I sat there on DB's desk and read the whole notebook it didn't take me long and I can read that kind of stuff some kids notebook phoe or anybody's all day and all night long kids notebooks kill me then I lit another cigarette it was my last one I must have smoked about three cartons that day then finally I woke her up I mean I couldn't sit there on that desk for the rest of my life and besides I was afraid my parents might barge in on me all of a sudden and I wanted to at least say hello to her before they did so I woke her up she wakes up very easily I mean you don't have to yell at her or anything all you have to do practically is sit down in the bed and say wake up pheb and bingo she's awake Holden she said right away she put her arms around my neck and all she's very affectionate I mean she's quite affectionate for a child sometimes she's even too affectionate I sort of gave her a kiss and she she said when'd you get home she was glad as hell to see me you could tell not so loud just now how are you anyway I'm fine did you get my letter I wrote you a five-page yeah not so loud thanks she wrote me this letter I didn't get a chance to answer it though it was all about this play she was in in school she told me not to make any dates or anything for Friday so that I could come see it how's the play I asked her what did you say the name of it was a Christmas pageant for Americans it stinks but I'm Benedict Arnold I have practically the biggest part she said boy she was wide awake she gets very excited when she tells you that stuff it starts out when I'm dying this ghost comes in on Christmas Eve and asks me if I'm ashamed and everything you know for betraying my country and everything are you coming to it she was sitting way the hell up in bed and all that's what I wrote you about are you sure I'm coming certainly I'm coming Daddy can't come yeah has to fly to California she said boy was she Wide Awake it only takes her about 2 seconds to get Wide Awake she was sitting sort of kneeling way up in bed and she was holding my goddamn hand listen mother said you'd be home Wednesday she said Wednesday I got out early not so loud you'll wake everybody up what time is it they won't be home till very late mother said they went to a party in Norwalk Connecticut old Phoebe said guess what I did this afternoon what movie I saw guess I don't know listen didn't they say what time they the doctor old Phoebe said it's a special movie they had at the lisst foundation just this one day they had it today was the only day it was all about this doctor in Kentucky and everything that sticks a blanket over this child's face that's a [ __ ] and can't walk then they send him to jail and everything it was excellent listen a second didn't they say what time they he feels sorry for her the doctor that's why he sticks this blanket over her face and everything and makes her suffocate then they make him go to jail for life imprisonment but this child that he had stuck the blanket over its head comes to visit him all the time and thanks him for what he did he was a mercy killer only he knows he deserves to go to jail because a doctor isn't supposed to take things away from God this girl in my class's mother took us Alice Holberg she's my best friend she's the only girl in the whole wait a second will you I said I'm asking you a question did they say what time they'd be back or didn't they no but not till very late daddy took the car and everything so they wouldn't have to worry about trains we have a radio in it now except that mother said nobody can play When the car's in traffic I began to relax sort of I mean I finally quit worrying about whether they'd catch me home or not I figured the hell with it if they did they did you should have seen old Phoebe she had on these blue pajamas with red elephants on the collars elephants knock her out so it was a good picture huh I said swell except Alice had a cold and her mother kept asking her all the time if she felt gripy right in the middle of the picture always in the middle of something important her mother' lean all over me and everything and ask Alice if she felt gripy it got on my nerves then I told her about the record listen I bought you a record I told her only I broke it on the way home I took the pieces out of my coat pocket and showed her I was plastered I said give me the pieces she said I'm saving them she took them right into my hand and then she put them in the drawer on the night table she kills me DB coming home for Christmas I asked her he may and he may not mother said it all depends he may have to stay in Hollywood and write a picture about Anapolis Anapolis for God's sake it's a love story and everything guess who's going to be in it what movie star guas I'm not interested Anapolis for God's sake what's DB know about Anapolis for for God's sake what's that got to do with the kind of stories he writes I said boy that stuff drives me crazy that goddamn Hollywood what you do to your arm I asked her I noticed she had this big hunk of adhesive tape on her elbow the reason I noticed it her pajamas didn't have any sleeves this boy Curtis Wing trub that's in my class pushed me while I was going down the stairs in the park she said want to see she started taking the crazy adhesive tape off her arm leave it alone why'd he push you down the stairs I I don't know I think he hates me old Phoebe said this other girl in me Selma atterberry put ink and stuff all over his windbreaker that isn't nice what are you a child for God's sake no but every time I'm in the park he follows me everywhere he's always following me he gets on my nerves he probably likes you that's no reason to put ink all I don't want him to like me she said then she started looking at me funny Holden she said how come you're not home Wednesday what boy you have to watch her every minute if you don't think she's smart you're mad how come you're not home Wednesday she asked me you didn't get kicked out or anything did you I told you they let us out early they let the whole you did get kicked out you did old Phoebe said then she hit me on the leg with her fist she gets very fisty when she feels like it you did oh hold it then she had her hand on her mouth and all she gets very emotional I swear to God who said I got kicked out nobody said I you did you did she said then she smacked me again with her fist if you don't think that hurts you're crazy daddy will kill you she said then she flopped on her stomach on the bed and put the goddamn pillow over her head she does that quite frequently she's a true madman sometimes cut it out now I said nobody's going to kill me nobody's going to even come on fee take that goddamn thing off your head nobody's going to kill me she wouldn't take it off though you can't make her do something if she doesn't want to all she kept saying was Daddy's going to kill you you could hardly understand her with that goddamn pillow over her head nobody's going to kill me use your head in the first place I'm going away what I may do I may get a job on a ranch or something for a while I know this guy whose Godfather got a ranch in Colorado I may get a job out there I said I'll keep in touch with you and all when I'm gone if I go come on take that off your head come on hey phe please please will you she wouldn't take it off though I tried pulling it off but she's strong as hell you get tired fighting with her boy if she wants to keep a pillow over her head she keeps it phe please come on out of there I kept saying come on hey hey weatherfield come on out she wouldn't come out though you can't even reason with her sometimes finally I got up and went out in the living room and got some cigarettes out of the box on the table and stuck some in my pocket I was all out chapter 22 when I came back she had the pillow off her head all right I knew she would but she still wouldn't look at me even though she was laying on her back and all when I came around the side of the bed and sat down again she turned her crazy face the other way she was ostracizing the hell out of me just like the fencing team at peny when I left all the goddamn foils on the subway how's old Hazel weatherfield I said you wri any new stories about her I got that one you sent me in my suitcase it's down at the station it's very good daddy will kill you boy she really gets something on her mind when she gets something on her mind no he won't the worst he'll do he'll give me hell again and then he'll send me to the godamn military school that's all he'll do to me and in the first place I won't even be around I'll be away I'll probably be in Colorado on this Ranch don't make me laugh you can't even ride a horse who can't sure I can certainly I can they can teach you in about 2 minutes I said stop picking at that she was picking at that adhesive tape on her arm who gave you that haircut I asked her I just noticed what a stupid haircut somebody gave her it was way too short none of your business she said she can be very snotty sometimes she can be quite snotty I suppose you failed in every single subject again she said very snotty it was sort of funny too in a way she sounds like a goddamn school teacher sometimes and she's only a little child no I didn't I said I passed English then just for the hell of it I gave her a pinch on the behind it was sticking way out in the breeze the way she was laying on her side she has hardly any behind I didn't do it hard but she tried to hit my hand anyway but she missed then all of a sudden she said oh why did you do it she meant why did I get the axe again it made me sort of sad the way she said it oh God Phoebe don't ask me I'm sick of everybody asking me that I said a million reasons why it was one of the worst schools I ever went to it was full of phonies and mean guys you never saw so many mean guys in your life for instance if you were having a bull session in somebody's room and somebody wanted to come in nobody let them in if they were some Dopey pimply guy everybody was always locking their door when somebody wanted to come in and they had this goddamn secret fraternity that I was too yellow not to join there was this one pimply boring guy Robert akley that wanted to get in he kept trying to join and they wouldn't let him just because he was boring and pimply old Phoebe didn't say anything but she was listening I could tell by the back of her neck that she was listening she always listens when you tell her something and the funny part is she knows half the time what the hell you're talking about she really does I kept talking about old peny I sort of felt like it even the couple of nice teachers on the faculty they were phonies too I said there was this one old guy Mr Spencer his wife was always giving you hot chocolate and all that stuff and they were really pretty nice but you should have seen him when the Headmaster old thurmer came in the history class and sat down in the back of the room he was always coming in and sitting down in the back of the room for about a half an hour he was supposed to be Incognito or something after a while he'd be sitting back there and then he'd start interrupting what old Spencer was saying to crack a lot of corny jokes old Spencer practically kill himself chuckling and smiling and all like as if thurmer was a goddamn Prince or something don't swear so much it would have made you puke I swear it would I said then on Veterans Day they have this day Veterans Day that all the jerks that graduated from peny around 1776 come back and walk all over the place with their wives and children and everybody you should have seen this one old guy that was about 50 what he did was he came in our room and knocked on the door and asked us if we'd mind if he used the bathroom the bathroom is at the end of the corridor I don't know why the hell he asked us you know what he said he said he wanted to see if his initials were still in one of the canned doors what he did he carved his goddamn stupid sad old initials in one of the Cann doors about 90 years ago and he wanted to see if they were still there so my roommate and I walked him down to the bathroom and all and we had to stand there while he looked for his initials and all the canned doors he kept talking to us the whole time telling us how when he was at peny they were the happiest days of his life and giving us a lot of advice for the future and all boy did he depress me I don't mean he was a bad guy he wasn't but you don't have to be a bad guy to depress somebody you can be a good guy into it all you have to do to depress somebody is give them a lot of phoning advice while you're looking for your initials and some canned door that's all you have to do I don't know maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't been all out of breath he was all out of breath from just climbing up the stairs and the whole time he was looking for his initials he kept breathing hard with his nostrils all funny and sad while he kept telling strad ladder and I to get all we could at a peny god Phoebe I can't explain I just didn't like anything that was happening at peny I can't explain old Phoebe said something then but I couldn't hear her she had the side of her mouth right smack on the pillow and I couldn't hear her what I said take your mouth away I can't hear you with your mouth that way you don't like anything that's happening it made me even more depressed when she said that yes I do yes I do sure I do don't say that why the hell do you say that because you don't you don't like any schools you don't like a million things you don't I do that's where you're wrong that's exactly where you're wrong why the hell do you have to say that I said boy she was depressing me because you don't she said name one thing one thing one thing I like I I said okay the trouble was I couldn't concentrate too hot sometimes it's hard to concentrate one thing I like a lot you mean I asked her she didn't answer me though she was in a cockeyed position way the hell over the other side of the bed she was about a thousand miles away come on answer me I said one thing I like a lot or just one thing I like you like a lot all right I said but the trouble was I couldn't concentrate about all I could think of were those two nuns that went around collecting dough in those beat up old straw baskets especially the one with the glasses with those iron rims and this boy I knew at Elton Hills there was this one boy at Elton Hills named James castle that wouldn't take back something he said about this very conceited boy Phil stabel James Castle called him a very conceited guy and one of stabile's lousy friends went and squealed on him to stabel so stabil with about six other Dirty Bastards went down to James Castle's room and went in and locked the goddamn door and tried to make him take back what he said but he wouldn't do it so they started in on him I won't even tell you what they did to him it's too repulsive but he still wouldn't take it back old James castle and you should have seen him he was a skinny little weak looking guy with wrists about his biggest pencils finally what he did instead of taking back what he said he jumped out the window I was in the shower and all and even I could hear him land outside but I just thought something fell out the window a radio or a desk or something not a boy or anything then I heard everybody running through the corridor and down the stairs so I put on my bathrobe and I ran down the stairs too and there was old James Castle lying right in the stone steps and all he was dead and his teeth and blood were all over the place and no no body would even go near him he had on this turtleneck sweater I'd lent him all they did with the guys that were in the room with him was expel them they didn't even go to jail that was about all I could think of though those two nuns I saw at breakfast and this boy James Castle I knew at Elton Hills the funny part is I hardly even know James castle if you want to know the truth he was one of those very quiet guys he was in my math class but he was way over the other side of the room and he hardly ever got up to recite or go to the Blackboard or anything some guys in school hardly ever get up to recite or go to the Blackboard I think the only time I ever had a conversation with him was the time he asked me if he could borrow this turtleneck sweater I had a damn near dropped dead when he asked me I was so surprised and all I remember I was brushing my teeth in the can when he asked me he said his cousin was coming in to take him for a drive and all I didn't even know he knew I had a turtleneck sweater all I knew about him was that his name was always right ahead of me at roll call Cabell R Cel W Castle Coffield I can still remember it if you want to know the truth I almost didn't lend him my sweater just because I didn't know him too well what I said to Old Phoebe she said something to me but I didn't hear her you can't even think of one thing yes I can yes I can well do it then I like Ally I said and I like doing what I'm doing right now sitting here with you and talking and thinking about stuff and alli's dead you always say that if somebody's dead in everything and in heaven then it isn't really I know he's dead don't you think I know that I can still like them though can I just because somebody's dead you don't just stop liking them for God's sake especially if they are about a thousand times nicer than the people you know that are alive and all old Phoebe didn't say anything when she can't think of anything to say she doesn't say a goddamn word anyway I like it now I said I mean right now sitting here with you and just chewing the fat and horsing this isn't anything really it is so something really certainly it is why the hell isn't it people never think anything is anything really I'm getting goddamn sick of it stop swearing all right name something else name something you'd like to be like a scientist or a lawyer or something I couldn't be a scientist I'm no good in science well a lawyer like Daddy and all lawyers are all right I guess but it doesn't appeal to me I said I mean they're all right if they go around saving innocent guys lives all the time and like that but you don't do that kind of stuff if you're a lawyer all you do is make a lot of dough and play golf and play bridge and buy cars and drink martinis and look like a hot shot and besides even if you do go around saving guys lives and all how would you know if you did it because you really wanted to save guys lives or because you did it because what you really wanted to do is be a terrific lawyer with everybody slapping you on the back and congratulating you in court when the goddamn trial was over the reporters and everybody the way it is in the dirty movies how would you know you weren't being a phony the trouble is you wouldn't I'm not too sure old Phoebe knew what the hell I was talking about I mean she's only a little child and all but she was listening at least if somebody at least listens it's not too bad Daddy's going to kill you he's going to kill you she said I wasn't listening though I was thinking about something else something crazy you know what I'd like to be I said you know what I'd like to be I mean if I had my goddamn Choice what stop swearing you know that song If a body catch a body coming through the Rye I'd like it's if a body meet meet a body coming through the Rye old Phoebe said it's a poem by Robert Burns I know it's a poem by Robert Burns she was right though it is if a body meet a body coming through the Rye I didn't know it then though I thought it was if a body catch a body I said anyway I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of Ry and all th thousands of little kids and nobody's around nobody big I mean except me and I'm standing on the edge of some crazy Cliff what I have to do I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them that's all I'd do all day I'd just be the catcher in the ride and all I know it's crazy but that's the only thing I'd really like to to be I know it's crazy old Phoebe didn't say anything for a long time then when she said something all she said was Daddy's going to kill you I don't give a damn if he does I said I got up from behind the bed then because what I wanted to do I wanted to phone up this guy that was my English teacher at Elton Hills Mr anolini he lived in New York now he quit Elton Hills he took this job teaching English at n why you I have to make a phone call I told Phoebe I'll be right back don't go to sleep I didn't want her to go to sleep while I was in the living room I knew she wouldn't but I said it anyway just to make sure while I was walking toward the door old Phoebe said Holden and I turned around she was sitting way up in bed she looked so pretty I'm taking belching lessons from this girl Phyllis marges she said listen I listen listened and I heard something but it wasn't much good I said then I went out in the living room and called up this teacher I had Mr Antolini chapter 23 I made it very Snappy on the phone because I was afraid my parents would barge in on me right in the middle of it they didn't though Mr anini was very nice he said I could come right over if I wanted to I think I probably woke he and his wife up because it took them a hell of a long time to answer the phone the first thing he asked me was if anything was wrong and I said no I said I'd flunk that a peny though I thought I might as well tell him he said good God when I said that he had a good sense of humor and all he told me to come right over if I felt like it he was about the best teacher I ever had Mr Antolini he was a pretty young guy not much older than my brother DB and you could kid around with him without losing your respect for him he was the one that finally picked up that boy that jumped out the window I told you about James Castle old Mr anene he felt his pulse and all and then he took off his coat and put it over James castle and carried him all the way over to the infirmary he didn't even give a damn if his coat got all bloody when I got back to DB's room old Phoebe turned the radio on this dance music was coming out she turned it on low though so the maid wouldn't hear it you should have seen her she was sitting smack in the middle of the bed outside the covers with her legs folded like one of those y guys she was listening to the music she kills me come on I said you feel like dancing I taught her how to dance and all when she was a tiny little kid she's a very good dancer I mean I just taught her a few things she learned it mostly by herself you can't teach somebody how to really dance you have shoes on she said I'll take them off come on she practically jumped off the bed and then she waited while I took my shoes off and then I danced with her for a while he's really damn good I don't like people that dance with little kids because most of the time it looks terrible I mean if you're out at a restaurant somewhere and you see some old guy take his little kid out on the Dance Floor usually they keep yanking the kids's dress up in the back by mistake and the kid can't dance worth a damn anyway and it looks terrible but I don't do it in public with Phoebe or anything we just horse around in the house it's different with her anyway because she can dance she can follow anything you do I mean if you hold her in close as hell so that it doesn't matter that your legs are so much longer she stays right with you you can cross over or you can do some corny dips or even Jitterbug a little and she stays right with you you can even Tango for God's sake we danced about four numbers in between numbers she's funny as hell she stays right in position she won't even talk or anything you both have to stay right in position and wait for the orchestra to start playing again that kills me you're not supposed to laugh or anything either anyway we danced about four numbers and I turned off the radio old Phoebe jumped back in bed and got under the covers I'm improving aren't I she asked me and how I said I sat down next to her on the bed again I was sort of out of breath I was smoking so damn much I had hardly any wind she wasn't even out of breath feel my forehead she said all of a sudden why feel it just feel it once I felt it I didn't feel anything though does it feel very feverish she said no is it supposed to yes I'm making it feel it again I felt it again and I still didn't feel anything but I said I think it's starting to now I didn't want her to get a goddamn inferiority complex she nodded I can make it go up to over the thermometer thermometer who said so Alice Holberg showed me how you cross your legs and hold your breath and think of something very very hot a radiator or something then your whole forehead gets so hot you can burn somebody's hand that killed me I pulled my hand away from her forehead like I was in terrific danger thanks for telling me I said oh I wouldn't have burned your hand I'd have stopped before it got to sh then quick as hell she sat way the hell up in bed she scared hell out of me when she did that what's the matter I said the front door she said in this loud whisper it's them I quick jumped up and ran over and turned off the light over the desk then I jammed out my cigarette on my shoe and put it in my pocket then I fanned hell out of the air to get the smoke out I shouldn't even have been smoking for God's sake then I grabbed my shoes and got in the closet and shut the door boy my heart was beating like a bastard I heard my mother come in the room BBE she said now stop that I saw the light young lady hello I heard old Phoebe said I couldn't sleep did you have a good time marvelous my mother said but you could tell she didn't mean it she doesn't enjoy herself much when she goes out why are you awake may I ask were you warm enough I was warm enough I just couldn't sleep Phoebe have you been smoking a cigarette in here tell me the truth please young lady what old Phoebe said you heard me I just lit one for one second I just took one puff then I threw threw it out the window why may I ask I couldn't sleep I don't like that Phoebe I don't like that at all my mother said do you want another blanket no thanks good night old Phoebe said he was trying to get rid of her you could tell how was the movie my mother said excellent except Alice's mother she kept leaning over and asking her if she felt gripy during the whole entire movie we took a taxi home let me feel your forehead I didn't catch anything she didn't have anything it was just her mother well go to sleep now how was your dinner lousy phei said you heard what your father said about using that word what was so lousy about it you had a lovely Lamb Chop I walked all over Lexington Avenue just the Lamb Chop was all right but Charlene always breathes on me whenever she puts something down she breathes all over the food and everything she breathes on everything well go to sleep give mother a kiss did you say your prayers I said them in the bathroom good night good night go right to sleep now I have a splitting headache my mother said she gets headaches quite frequently she really does take a few aspirins old Phoebe said Holden will be home on Wednesday day Moy so far as I know get under there now way down I heard my mother go out and close the door I waited a couple of minutes then I came out of the closet I bumped smack into Old Phoebe when I did it because it was so dark and she was out of bed and coming to tell me I hurt you I said you had to whisper now because they were both home I got to get a move on I said I found the edge of the bed in the dark and sat down on it and started putting on my shoes I was pretty nervous I admit it don't go now phebe whispered wait till they're asleep no now's now's the best time I said she'll be in the bathroom and daddy will turn on the news or something now's the best time I could hardly tie my shoelaces I was so damn nervous not that they would have killed me or anything if they had caught me home but it would have been very unpleasant and all where the hell are you I said to Old Phoebe it was so dark I couldn't see her here she said she was standing right next to me I didn't even see her I got my damn bags at the station I said listen you got any dough fee I'm practically broke just my Christmas dough for presents and all I haven't done any shopping at all yet oh I didn't want to take her Christmas dough you want some she said I don't want to take your Christmas dough I can lend you some she said then I heard her over at DB's desk opening a million in drawers and feeling around with her hand it was Pitch Black it was so dark in the room if you go away you won't see me in the play she said her voice sounded funny when she said it yes I will I won't go away before that you think I want to miss the play I said what I'll do I'll probably stay at Mr antolini's house till maybe Tuesday night then I'll come home if I get a chance I'll phone you here old Phoebe said she was trying to give me the dough but she couldn't find my hand where she put the dough in my hand hey I don't need all this I said just give me two bucks is all no kidding here I tried to give it back to her but she wouldn't take it you can take it all you can pay me back bring it to the play how much is it for God's sake $885 65 I spent some then all of a sudden I started to cry I couldn't help it I did it so nobody could hear me but I did it it scared hell out of old Phoebe when I started doing it and she came over and tried to make me stop but once you get started you can't just stop on a goddamn dime I was still sitting on the edge of the bed when I did it and she put her old arm around my neck and I put my arm around her too but I still couldn't stop for a long time I thought I was going to choke to death or something boy I scared hell out of poor old Phoebe the damn window was open and everything and I could feel her shivering and all because all she had on was her pajamas I tried to make her get back in bed but she wouldn't go finally I stopped but it certainly took me a long long time then I finished buttoning my coat and all told her I'd keep in touch with her she told me I could sleep with her if I wanted to but I said no that I'd better beat it that Mr andeline he was waiting for me and all then I took my hunting hat out of my coat pocket and gave it to her she lik those kind of crazy hats she didn't want to take it but I made her I bet she slept with it on she really likes those kind of hats then I told her again I'd give her a buzz if I got a chance and then I left it was a hell of a lot easier getting out of the house than it was getting in for some reason for one thing I didn't give much of a damn anymore if they caught me I really didn't I figured if they caught me they caught me I almost wished they did in a way I walked all the way downstairs instead of taking the elevator I went down the back stairs I nearly broke my neck on about 10 million garbage pales but I got out all right the elevator boy didn't even see me he probably still thinks him up at the Dickens chapter 24 Mr and Mrs anini had this very Swanky apartment apartment over on Sutton Place with two steps that you go down to get in the living room and a bar and all I'd been there quite a few times because after I left Elton Hills Mr Antolini came up to our house for dinner quite frequently to find out how I was getting along he wasn't married then then when he got married I used to play tennis with he and Mrs anolini quite frequently out at the Westside tennis club in Forest Hills Long Island Mrs Antolini belonged there she was lousy with dough she was about 60 years older than Mr Antolini but they seemed to get along quite well for one thing they were both very intellectual especially Mr Antolini except that he was more witty than intellectual when you were with him sort of like DB Mrs anolini was mostly serious she had asthma pretty bad they both read all DB stories Mrs anolini too and when DB went to Hollywood Mr anini phoned him up and told him not to go he went anyway though Mr Antolini said that anybody that could write like DB had no business going out to Hollywood that's exactly what I said practically I would have walked down to their house because I didn't want to spend any of Phoebe's Christmas dough that I didn't have to but I felt funny when I got outside sort of dizzy so I took a cab I didn't want to but I did I had a hell of a time even finding a cab old Mr Antolini answered the door when I rang the bell after the elevator boy finally let me up the bastard he had on his bathrobe and slippers and he had a highball in one hand he was a pretty sophisticated guy and he was a pretty heavy drinker hold in my boy he said my God he's grown another 20 in fine to see you how are you Mr anini how's Mrs anini we're both just dandy let's have that coat he took my coat off me and hung it up I expected to a day old infant in your arms nowhere to turn snowflakes in your eyelashes he was a very witty guy sometimes he turned around and yelled out to the kitchen Lillian how's the coffee coming lilan was Mrs antolini's first name it's all she yelled back is that Holden hello Holden hello Mrs Antolini you were always yelling when you were there that's because both of them were never in the same room at the same time it was sort of funny sit down Holden Mr Antolini said you could tell he was a little oiled up the room looked like they just had a party glasses were all over the place and dishes with peanuts in them excuse the appearance of the place he said we've been entertaining some Buffalo friends of Mrs antolini's some buffaloes as a matter of fact I laughed and Mrs anolini yelled something into me from the kitchen but I couldn't hear her what did she say I asked Mr Antolini she said not to look at her when she comes in she just arose from the sack I have a cigarette are you smoking now thanks I said I took a cigarette from the box he offered me just once in a while I'm a moderate smoker I'll bet you are he said he gave me a light from his big lighter off the table so you and peny are no longer one he said he always said things that way sometimes it amused me a lot and sometimes it didn't he sort of did it a little bit too much I don't mean he wasn't witty or anything he was but sometimes it gets on your nerves when somebody's always saying things like so you and peny are no longer One DB does it too much sometimes too what was the trouble Mr anini asked me how'd you do in English I'll show you the door in short order if you flunked English you little Ace composition writer oh I passed English all right it was mostly literature though I only wrote about two compositions in the whole term I said I flunked oral expression though they had this course you had to take oral expression that I flunked why oh I don't know I don't much feel like going into it I was still feeling sort of dizzy or something and I had a hell of a headache all of a sudden I really did but you could tell he was interested so I told him a little bit about it it's this course where each boy in class has to get up in class and make a speech you know spontaneous and all and if the boy digresses at all you're supposed to yell digression at him as fast as you can it just about drove me crazy I got an F in it why oh I don't know that digression business got on my nerves I don't know the trouble with me is I like it when somebody digresses it's more interesting and all you don't care to have somebody stick to the point when he tells you something oh sure I like somebody to stick to the point and all but I don't like them to stick too much to the point I don't know I guess I don't like it when somebody sticks to the Point all the time the boys that got the best marks in oral expression were the ones that stuck to the point all the time I admit it but there was this one boy Richard canella he didn't stick to the point too much and they were always yelling degression at him it was terrible because in the first place he was a very nervous guy I mean he was a very nervous guy and his lips were always shaking whenever it was his time to make a speech and you could hardly hear him if he were sitting way in the back of the room when his lips sort of quit shaking a little bit though I liked his speeches better than anybody else's he practically flun to the course though too he got a D plus they kept yelling digression at him all the time for instance he made the speech about this Farm his father bought in Vermont they kept yelling degression at him the whole time he was making it and this teacher Mr Vincent gave him an f on it because he hadn't told what kind of animals and vegetables and stuff grew on the farm and all what he did was Richard canella he he'd start telling you all about that stuff then all of a sudden he'd start telling you about this letter his mother got from his uncle and how his uncle got polio and all when he was 42 years old and how he wouldn't let anybody come to see him in the hospital because he didn't want anybody to see him with a brace on it didn't have much to do with the farm I admit it but it was nice it's nice when somebody tells you about their Uncle especially when they start out telling you about their Father's Farm and then all of a sudden get more interested in their uncle I mean it's dirty to keep yelling degression at him when he's all nice and excited I don't know it's hard to explain I didn't feel too much like trying either for one thing I had this terrific headache all of a sudden I wish to God old Mrs Antolini would come in with the coffee that's something that annoys hell out of me I mean if somebody says the coffee's already and it isn't hold on one short faintly stuffy pedagogical question don't you think there's a Time and a place for everything don't you think if someone starts out to tell you about his father's farm he should stick to his guns then get around to telling you about his uncle's brace or if his uncle's brace is such a provocative subject shouldn't he have selected it in the first place as his subject not the farm I didn't feel much like thinking and answering and all I had a headache and I felt lousy I even had a sort of stomach ache if you want to know the truth yes I don't know I guess he should I mean I guess he should have picked his uncle as a subject instead of the farm if that interested him most but what I mean is lots of times you don't know what interests you most until you start talking about something that doesn't interest you most I mean you can't help it sometimes what I think is you're supposed to leave somebody alone if he's at least being interesting and he's getting all excited about something I like it when somebody gets excited about something it's nice you just didn't know this teacher Mr Vincent he could drive you crazy sometimes him in the goddamn class I mean he' kept telling you to unify and simplify all the time some things you just can't do that too I mean you can't hardly ever simplify and unify something just because somebody wants you to you didn't know this guy Mr Vincent I mean he was very intelligent and all but you could tell he didn't have too much brains coffee gentlemen finally Mrs Antolini said she came in carrying this tray with coffee and cakes and stuff on it Holden don't you even peek at me I'm a mess hello Mrs anini I said I started to get up and all but Mr anini got hold of my jacket and pulled me back down old Mrs antolini's hair was full of those iron curler jobs and she didn't have any lipstick on or anything she didn't look too gorgeous she looked pretty old and all I'll leave this right here just dive in you two she said she put the tray down on the cigarette table pushing all these glasses out of the way how's your mother Holden she's fine thanks I haven't seen her too recently but the last I darling if Holden needs anything everything's in the linen closet the top shelf I'm going to bed I'm exhausted Mrs anini said she looked at too can you boys make up the couch by yourselves we'll take care of everything you run along to bed Mr anini said he gave Mrs anolini a kiss and she said goodbye to me and went in the bedroom they were always kissing each other a lot in public I had part of a cup of coffee and about half of some cake that was as hard as a rock all old Mr Antolini had was another highball though he makes him strong too you could tell he may get to be an alcoholic if he doesn't watch a step I had lunch with your dad a couple of weeks ago he said all of a sudden did you know that no I didn't you're aware of course that he's terribly concerned about you I know it I know he is I said apparently before he phoned me he just had a long rather har ing letter from your latest Headmaster to the effect that you were making absolutely no effort at all cutting classes coming unprepared to all your classes in general being in allaround I didn't cut any classes you weren't allowed to cut any there were a couple of them I didn't attend once in a while like the oral expression I told you about but I didn't cut any I didn't feel at all like discussing it the coffee made my stomach feel a little bit better but I still had this awful headache Mr anene he lit another cigarette he smoked like like a fiend then he said frankly I don't know what the hell to say to you Holden I know I'm very hard to talk to I realize that I have a feeling that you're riding for some kind of a terrible terrible fall but I don't honestly know what kind are you listening to me yes you could tell he was trying to concentrate and all it may be the kind where at the age of 30 you sit in some bar hating everybody who comes in looking as if he might have played football in college then again you might pick up just enough education to hate people who say it's a secret between he and I or you may end up in some business office throwing paper clips at the nearest stenographer I just don't know but do you know what I'm driving at at all yes sure I said I did too but you're wrong about that hating business I mean about hating football players and all you really are I don't hate too many guys what I may do I may hate them for a little while like this guy strad ladder I knew him at peny and this other boy Robert akley I hated them once in a while I admit it but it doesn't last too long is what I mean after while if I didn't see them if they didn't come in the room or if I didn't see them in the dining room for a couple of meals I sort of missed them I mean I sort of missed them Mr anolini didn't say anything for a while he got up and got another hunk of ice and put it in his drink then he sat down again you could tell he was thinking I kept wishing though that he'd continue the conversation in the morning instead of now but he was hot people are mostly hot to have a discussion when you not all right listen to me a minute now I may not word this as memorably as I'd like to but I'll write you a letter about it in a day or two then you can get it all straight but listen now anyway he started concentrating again and then he said this fall I think you're riding for it's a special kind of fall a horrible kind the man falling isn't permitted to feel or hear himself hit the bottom he just keeps falling and falling the whole Arrangements designed for men who at some time or other in their lives were looking for something their own environment couldn't Supply them with where they thought their own environment couldn't Supply them with so they gave up looking they gave it up before they ever really even got started you follow me yes sir sure yes he got up and poured some more booze in his glass then he sat down again he didn't say anything for a long time I don't want to scare you he said but I can very clearly see you dying nobly one way or another for some highly unworthy cause he gave me a funny look if I write something down for you will you read it carefully and keep it yeah sure I said I did too I still have the paper he gave me he went over to his desk on the other side of the room and without sitting down wrote something on a piece of paper then he came back and sat down with the paper in his hand oddly enough this wasn't written by a practicing poet it was written by a psychoanalysis named willhem stle here's what he are you still with me yes sure I am here's what he said the mark of the immature man is that he wants to Die nobly For A Cause while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one he leaned over and handed it to me I read it right when he gave it to me and then I thanked him and all and put it in my pocket it was nice of him to go to all that trouble it really was the thing was though I didn't feel much like concentrating boy I felt so damn tired all of a sudden you could tell he wasn't tired at all though he was pretty oiled up for one thing I think that one of these days he said you're going to have to find out where you want to go and then you've got to start going there but immediately you can't afford to lose a minute not you I nodded because he was looking right at me and all but I wasn't too sure what he was talking about I was pretty sure I knew but I wasn't too positive at the same time I was too damn tired and I hate to tell you he said but I think that once you have a fair idea where you want to go your first move will be to apply yourself in school you'll have to you're a student whether the idea appeals to you or not you're in love with knowledge and I think you'll find once you get past all the Mr venice's and the oral comp Mr venison I said he meant all the Mr venison not all the Mr venes I shouldn't have interrupted him though all right the Mr venison once you get past all the Mr venison you're going to start getting closer and closer that is if you want to and if you look for it and wait for it to the kind of information that will be very very dear to your heart among other things you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior you're by no means alone on that score you'll be excited and stimulated to know many many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now happily some of them kept records of their troubles you'll learn from them if you want to just as someday if you have something to offer someone will learn something from you it's a beautiful and reciprocal Arrangement and it isn't education it's history it's poetry he stopped and took a big drink out of his high ball then he started again boy he was really hot I was glad I didn't try to stop him or anything I'm not trying to tell you he said that only educated and scholarly men are able to contribute something valuable to the world it's not so but I do say that educated and scholarly men if they're brilliant and creative to begin with which unfortunately is rarely the case t to leave infinitely more valuable records behind them than men do who are merely brilliant and creative they tend to express themselves more clearly and they usually have a passion for following their thoughts through to the end and most important nine times out of 10 they have more humility than the unscholarly Thinker do you follow me at all yes sir he didn't say anything for quite a while I don't know if you've ever done it but it's sort of hard to sit around waiting for somebody to say something when they're thinking and all it really is I kept trying not to yawn it wasn't that I was bored or anything I wasn't but I was so damn sleepy all of a sudden something else an academic education will do for you if you go along with it any considerable distance it'll begin to give you an idea what size mind you have what it'll fit and maybe what it won't after a while you'll have an idea what kind of thoughts your particular size mind should be wearing for one thing it may save you an extraordinary amount of time trying on ideas that don't suit you aren't becoming to you you'll begin to know your true measurement and dress your mind accordingly then all of a sudden I yawned what a rude bastard but I couldn't help it Mr Antolini just laughed though come on he said and got up we'll fix up the couch for you I followed him and he went over to this closet and tried to take down some sheets and blankets and stuff that was on the top shelf but he couldn't do it with his highball glass in his hand so he drank it and then put the glass down on the floor and then he took the stuff down I helped him bring it over to the couch we both made the bed together he wasn't too hot at it he didn't tuck anything in very tight I didn't care though I could have slept standing up I was so tired how are all your women they're okay I was being a lousy conversationalist but I didn't feel like it how's Sally he knew old Sally Hayes I introduced him once she's all right I had a date with her this afternoon boy it seemed like 20 years ago we don't have too much in common anymore ell of a pretty girl what about that other girl the one you told me about in Maine oh Jane Gallagher she's all right I'm probably going to give her a buzz tomorrow we were all done making up the couch then it's all yours Mr Antolini said I don't know what the hell you're going to do with those legs of yours that's all right I'm used to short beds I said thanks a lot sir you and Mrs anolini really saved my life tonight you know where the bathroom is if there's anything you want just holler I'll be in the kitchen for a while will the light bother you no heck no thanks a lot all right good night hansome good night Sir thanks a lot he went out in the kitchen and I went in the bathroom and got undressed and all I couldn't brush my teeth because I didn't have any toothbrush with me I didn't have any pajamas either and Mr Antolini forgot to lend me some but I just went back to the living room and turned off this little lamp next to the couch and then I got in bed with just my shorts on it was way too short for me the couch but I really could have slept standing up without batting an eyelash I laid awake for just a couple of seconds thinking about all the stuff Mr Antolini told me about finding out the size of your mind and all he was really a pretty smart guy but I couldn't keep my goddamn eyes open and I fell asleep then something happened I I don't even like to talk about it I woke up all of a sudden I don't know what time it was or anything but I woke up I felt something on my head some guy's hand boy it really scared hell out of me what it was it was Mr antolini's Hand what he was doing he was sitting on the floor right next to the couch in the dark and all and he was sort of petting me or p pting me on the goddamn hand boy I'll bet I jumped about a th000 ft what the hell you doing I said nothing I'm simply sitting here admiring what what are you doing anyway I said over again I didn't know what the hell to say I mean I was embarrassed as hell how about keeping your voice down I'm simply sitting here I I have to go anyway I said boy was I nervous I started putting on my damn pants in the dark I could hardly get them on I was so damn nervous I know more damn pervert at schools and all than anybody you ever met and they're always being pervert when I'm around you have to go where Mr Antolini said he was trying to act very godamn casual and cool and all but he wasn't any too godamn cool take my word I left my bags and all at the station I think maybe I better go down and get them I have all my stuff in them they'll be there in the morning no go back to bed I'm going to bed myself what's the matter with you nothing's the matter it's just that all my money and stuff's in one of my bags I I'll be right back I'll get a cab and be right back I said boy I was falling all over myself in the dark the thing is it isn't mine the money it's my mother's and I don't be ridiculous Holden get back in that bed I'm going to bed myself the money will be there safe and sound in the more no no kidding I got to get going I really do I was damn near all dressed already except that I couldn't find my tie I couldn't remember where I'd put my tie I put on my jacket and all without it old Mr Antolini was sitting now in the big chair a little way ways away from me watching me it was dark and all and I couldn't see him so hot but I knew he was watching me all right he was still boozing too I could see his trusty highball glass in his hand you're a very very strange boy I know it I said I didn't even look around much from my tie so I went without it goodbye sir I said thanks a lot no kidding he kept walking right behind me when I went to the front door and when I rang the elevator Bell he stayed in the damn doorway all he said was that business about my being a very very strange Boy again strange my ass then he waited in the doorway and all till the goddamn elevator came I never waited so long for an elevator in my whole goddamn life I swear I didn't know what the hell to talk about while I was waiting for the elevator and he kept standing there so I said I'm going to start reading some good books I really am I mean you had to say something it was very embarrassing you grab your bags and Scoot right on back here again I'll leave the door unlatched thanks a lot I said goodbye the elevator was finally there I got in and went down boy I was shaking like a madman I was sweating too when something pervert like that happens I start sweating like a bastard that kind of stuff's happened to me about 20 times since I was a kid I can't stand it chapter 25 when I went outside it was just getting light out it was pretty cold too but it felt good because I was sweating so much I didn't know where the hell to go I didn't want to go to another hotel and spend all Phoebe's dough but finally all I did was I walked over to Lexington and took the subway down to Grand Central my bags were there and all and I figured I'd sleep in that crazy waiting room where all the benches are so that's what I did it wasn't too bad for a while because there weren't many people around and I could stick my feet up but I don't feel much like discussing it it wasn't too nice don't ever try it I mean it'll depress you I only slept till around 9:00 because a million people started coming in the waiting room and I had to take my feet down I can't sleep so hot if I have to keep my feet on the floor so I sat up I still had that headache it was even worse and I think I was more depressed than I ever was in my whole life I didn't want to but I started thinking about old Mr Antolini and I wondered what he'd tell Mrs Antolini when she saw I hadn't slept there or anything that part didn't worry me too much though because I knew Mr anini was very smart and that he could make up something to tell her he could tell her I'd gone home or something that part didn't worry me much but what did worry me was the part about how I'd woke up and found him Pat me on the head and all I mean I wondered if just maybe I was wrong about thinking he was making a floody pass at me I wondered if maybe he just liked to Pat guys on the head when they're asleep I mean how can you tell about that stuff for sure you can't I even started wondering if maybe I should have got my bags and gone back to his house the way I said I would I mean I started thinking that even if he was a flit he certainly been very nice to me I thought how he hadn't minded it when i' called him up so late and how he told me to come right over if I felt like it and how he went to all that trouble giving me advice about finding out the size of your mind and all and how he was the only guy that had ever gone near that boy James Castle I told you about when he was dead I thought about all that stuff and the more I thought about it the more depressed I got I mean I started thinking maybe I should have gone back to his house maybe he was only patting my head just for the hell of it the more I thought about it though the more depressed and screwed up about it I got what made it even worse my eyes were sore as hell it felt sore and bur from not getting too much sleep besides that I was getting sort of a cold and I didn't even have a goddamn handkerchief with me I had some in my suitcase but I didn't feel like taking it out of that strong box and opening it up right in public and all there was this magazine that somebody left on the bench next to me so I started reading it thinking it' make me stop thinking about Mr Antolini and a million other things for at least a little while but this damn article I started reading made me feel almost worse it was all about hormones it described how you should look your face and eyes and all if your hormones were in good shape and I didn't look that way at all I looked exactly like the guy in the article with lousy hormones so I started getting worried about my hormones then I read this other article about how you can tell if you have cancer or not it said if you have any sores in your mouth that didn't heal pretty quickly it was a sign that you probably had cancer I'd had this sore on the inside of my lip for about two weeks so I figured I was getting cancer that magazine was some little cheer or upper I finally quit reading it and went outside for a walk I figured I'd be dead in a couple of months because I had cancer I really did I was even positive I would be it certainly didn't make me feel too gorgeous it sort of looked like it was going to rain but I went for this walk anyway for one thing I figured I ought to get some breakfast I wasn't at all hungry but I figured I ought to at least eat something I mean at least get something with some vitamins in it so I started walking way over East where the pretty cheap restaurants are because I didn't want to spend a lot of dough while I was walking I passed these two guys that were unloading this big Christmas tree off a truck one guy kept saying to the other guy hold the son of a [ __ ] up for hold hold it up for Christ's sake it certainly was a gorgeous way to talk about a Christmas tree it was sort of funny though in an awful away and I started to sort of laugh it was almost the worst thing I could have done because the minute I started to laugh I thought I was going to vomit I really did I even started to but it went away I don't know why I mean I hadn't eaten anything unsanitary or like that and usually I have quite a strong stomach anyway I got over it and I figured I'd feel better if I had something to eat so I went in this very cheap looking restaurant and had donuts and coffee only I didn't eat the donuts I couldn't swallow them too well the thing is if you get very depressed about something it's hard as hell to swallow the waiter was very nice though he took them back without charging me I just drank the coffee then I left and started walking over toward Fifth Avenue it was Monday and all and pretty near Christmas and all the stores were open so it wasn't too bad walking on Fifth Avenue it was fairly christmy all those Scraggy looking Santa Clauses were standing on Corners ringing those bells and the Salvation Army girls the ones that don't wear any lipstick or anything were tingling Bells too I sort of kept looking around for those two nuns I'd met at breakfast the day before but I didn't see them I knew I wouldn't because they told me they came to New York to be school teachers but I kept looking for them anyway anyway it was pretty Christmasy all of a sudden a million little kids were downtown with their mothers getting on and off buses and coming in and out of stores I wished old Phoebe was around she's not little enough anymore to go Stark staring mad in the toy department but she enjoys horsing around and looking at the people the Christmas before last I took her downtown shopping with me we had a hell of a time I think it was in Bloomingdales we went in the shoe department and we pretended she old Phoebe wanted to get a pair of those very high storm shoes the kind that have about a million holes to lace up we had the poor salesman guy going crazy old Phoebe tried on about 20 pairs and each time the poor guy had to lace one SHO all the way up it was a dirty trick but it killed Old Phoebe we finally bought a pair of moccasins and charged them the salesman was very nice about it I think he knew we were horsing around because old Phoebe always starts giggling anyway I kept walking in walking up Fifth Avenue without any tie on or anything then all of a sudden something very spooky started happening every time I came to the end of a block and stepped off the goddamn curb I had this feeling that I'd never get to the other side of the street I thought I'd just go down down down and nobody'd ever see me again boy did it scare me you can't imagine I started sweating like a bastard my whole shirt and underwear and everything then I started doing something else every time I'd get to the end of a block I'd make believe I was talking to my brother Ally I'd say to him Ali don't let me disappear Ally Don't Let Me disappear Ally Don't Let Me disappear appear please Ally and then when I'd reached the other side of the street without disappearing I'd thank him then it would start all over again as soon as I got to the next corner but I kept going and all I was sort of afraid to stop I think I don't remember to tell you the truth I know I didn't stop till I was way up in the 60s past the zoo and all then I sat down on this bench I could hardly get my breath and I was still sweating like a bastard I sat there I gu for about an hour finally what I decided I'd do I decided I'd go away I decided I'd never go home again and I'd never go away to another school again I decided I'd just see old Phoebe and sort of say goodbye to her and all and give her back her Christmas dough and then I'd start hitchhiking My Way Out West what I'd do I figured I'd go down to the Holland Tunnel and bum a ride and then I'd bum another one and another one and another one and in a few days I'd be somewhere out west where it was very pretty and sunny and where nobody'd know me and I'd get a job I figured I could get a job at a filling station somewhere putting gas and oil in people's cars I didn't care what kind of job it was though just so people didn't know me and I didn't know anybody I thought what I'd do was I'd pretend I was one of those deaf mutes that way I wouldn't have to have any goddamn stupid useless conversations with anybody if anybody wanted to tell me something they'd have to write it on a piece of paper and shove it over to me they'd get bored as hell doing that after a while and then I'd be through with having conversations for the rest of my life everybody'd think I was just a poor deaf mute bastard and they'd leave me alone they'd let me put gas and oil in their stupid cars and they'd pay me a salary and all for it and I'd build me a little cabin somewhere with the dough I made and live there for the rest of my life I'd build it right near the woods but not right in them because I'd want it to be sunny as hell all the time I'd cook all my own food and later on if I wanted to get married or something I'd meet this beautiful girl that was also a deaf mute and we'd get married she'd come and live in my cabin with me and if she wanted to say anything to me she'd have to write it on a goddamn piece of paper like everybody else if we had any children we'd hide them somewhere we could buy them a lot of books and teach them how to read and write by ourselves I got excited as hell thinking about it I really did I knew the part about pretending I was a deaf mute was crazy but I liked thinking about it anyways but I really decided to go out west and all all I wanted to do was say goodbye to Old Phoebe so all of a sudden I ran like a mad man across the street I damn near got killed doing it if you want to know the truth and went into the stationer store and bought a pad and a pencil I figured I'd write her a note telling her where to meet me so I could say goodbye to her and give her back her Christmas dough and then I'd take the note up to her school and get somebody in the principal's office to give it to her but I just put the pad and pencil in my pocket and started walking fast as hell up to her school I was too excited to write the note right in the stationary store I walked fast because I wanted her to get the note before she went home for lunch and I didn't have too much time I knew where her school was naturally because I went there myself when I was a kid when I got there it felt funny I wasn't sure I'd remember what it was like inside but I did it was exactly the same as it was when I was there they had that same big yard inside that was always sort of dark with those cages around the light bulbs they wouldn't break if they got hit with a ball they had those same white circles painted all over the floor for games and stuff and the same old basketball rings without any Nets just the backdrops and the Rings nobody was around at all probably because it wasn't recess period and it wasn't lunchtime yet all I saw was one little kid a colored kid on his way to the bathroom he had one of those wooden pathes sticking out of his Hip Pocket the same way we used to have to show he had permission and all to go to the bathroom I was still sweating but not so bad anymore I went over the stairs and sat down on the first step and took out the pad and pencil I'd bought the stairs had the same smell they used to have when I went there like somebody just taking a leak on them School stairs always smell like that anyway I sat there and wrote this note dear Phoebe I can't wait around till Wednesday anymore so I will probably hitchhike out west this afternoon meet me at the Museum of Art near the door at4 12 if you can and I'll give you your Christmas dough back I didn't spend much love Holden her school was practically right near the museum and she had to pass it on her way home for lunch anyway so I knew she could meet me all right then I started walking up the stairs to the principal's office so I could give the note to somebody that would bring it to her in her classroom I folded it about 10 times so nobody'd open it you can't trust anybody in a goddamn school but I knew they'd give it to her if I was her brother and all while I was walking up the stairs though all of a sudden I thought I was going to puke again only I didn't I sat down for a second and then I felt better but while I was sitting down I saw something that drove me crazy somebody had written [ __ ] you on the wall it drove me damn near crazy I thought how Phoebe and all the other little kids would see it and how they'd wonder what the hell it meant and then fin some dirty kid would tell them all cockeyed naturally what it meant and how they'd all think about it and maybe even worry about it for a couple days I kept wanting to kill whoever had written it I figured it was some perver bum that sneaked into the school late at night to take a leak or something and then rode it on the wall I kept picturing myself catching him at it and how I'd smash his head on the stone steps till he was good and goddamn dead and bloody but I knew too I wouldn't have the guts to do it I knew that that made me even more depressed I hardly even had the guts to rub it off the wall with my hand if you want to know the truth I was afraid some teacher would catch me rubbing it off and would think I had written it but I rubbed it out anyway finally then I went up to the principal's office the principal didn't seem to be around but some old lady around a hundred years old was sitting at a typewriter I told her I was Phoebe caulfield's brother in 4 B1 and I asked her to please give Phoebe the note I said it was very important because my mother was sick and wouldn't have lunch ready for Phoebe and that she'd have to meet me and have lunch in a drugstore she was very nice about it the old lady she took the note off me and called some other lady from the next office and the other lady went to give it to Phoebe then the old lady that was around 100 years old and I Shot The Breeze for a while she was pretty nice and I told her how I'd gone there to school too and my brothers she asked me where I went to school now and I told her peny and she said peny was a very good school even if I'd wanted to I wouldn't have had the strength to straighten her out besides if she thought peny was a very good school let her think it you hate to tell new stuff to somebody around a hundred years old they don't like to hear it then after a while I left it was funny she yelled good luck at me the same way old Spencer did when I left peny God how I hate it when somebody yells good luck at me when I'm leaving somewhere it's depressing I went down by a different stair staircase and I saw another [ __ ] you on the wall I tried to rub it off with my hand again but this one was scratched on with a knife or something it wouldn't come off it's hopeless anyway if you had a million years to do it in you couldn't rub out even half the [ __ ] you signs in the world it's impossible I looked at the clock in The Recess yard and it was only 20 to 12 so I had quite a lot of time to kill before I met old Phoebe but I just walked over to the museum anyway there wasn't any place else to go I thought maybe I might stop in a phone booth and give old Jane Gallagher a buzz before I started buming my way west but I wasn't in the mood for one thing I wasn't even sure she was home for vacation yet so I just went over to the museum and hung around while I was waiting around for Phoebe in the museum right inside the doors and all these two little kids came up to me and asked if I knew where the mummies were the one little kid the one that asked me had his pants open I told him about it so he buttoned them up right where he was standing talking to me he didn't even bother to go behind a post or anything he killed me I would have laughed but I was afraid I'd feel like vomiting again so I didn't where are the mummies fella the kid said again you know I horsed around with the two of them a little bit the mummies what are they I asked the one kid you know the mummies them dead guys that get buried in them tunes and all tunes that killed me he meant Tes how come you two guys aren't in school I said no school today the kid that did all the talk and said he was lying sure as I'm alive the little bastard I didn't have anything to do though till old Phoebe showed up so I helped them find the place where the mummies were boy I used to know exactly where they were but I hadn't been in that museum in years you two guys so interested in mummies I said yeah can't your friend talk I said he ain't my friend he's my brother can he talk I looked at the one that wasn't doing any talking can't you talk at all I asked him yeah he said I don't feel like it finally we found the place where the mummies were and we went in you know how the Egyptians buried their dead I asked the one kid nah well you should it's very interesting they wrapped their faces up in these cloths that were treated with some secret chemical that way they could be buried in their tombs for thousands of years and their faces wouldn't rot or anything nobody knows how to do it except the Egyptians even modern science to get to where the mummies were you had to go down this very narrow sort of hall with stones on the side that they' taken right out of this Pharaoh's tomb and all it was pretty spooky and you could tell the two hot shots I was with weren't enjoying it too much they stuck close as hell to me and the one that didn't talk at all practically was holding on to my sleeve let's go he said to his brother I seen him already come on hey he turned around and beat it he's got a yellow streak a mile wide the other one said so long he beat it too I was the only one left in the Tomb then I sort of liked it in a way it was so nice and peaceful then all of a sudden you'd never guess what I saw on the wall another [ __ ] you it was written with a red crayon or something right under the glass part of the wall under the stones that's the whole trouble you can't ever find place that's nice and peaceful because there isn't any you may think there is but once you get there when you're not looking somebody will sneak up and write [ __ ] you right under your nose try it sometime I think even if I ever die and they stick me in a cemetery and I have a tombstone and all it'll say Holden Coffield on it and then what year I was born and what year I died and then right under that it'll say [ __ ] you I'm positive in fact after I came out of the place where the mummies were I had to go to the bathroom I sort of had diarrhea if you want to know the truth I don't mind the diarrhea part too much but something else happened when I was coming out of the can right before I got to the door I sort of passed out I was lucky though I mean I could have killed myself when I hit the floor but all I did was sort of land on my side it was a funny thing though I felt better after I passed out I really did my arm arm sort of hurt from where I fell but I didn't feel so damn dizzy anymore it was about 10 after 12 or so then and so I went back and stood by the door and waited for old Phoebe I thought how it might be the last time I'd ever see her again any of my relatives I mean I figured I'd probably see them again but not for years I might come home when I was about 35 I figured in case somebody got sick and wanted to see me before they died but that would be the only reason I'd leave my cabin and come back I even started picturing how it would be when I came back I knew my mother would get nervous as hell and start to cry and beg me to stay home and not go back to my cabin but I'd go anyway I'd be casual as hell I'd make her calm down and then I'd go over to the side of the living room and take out the cigarette case and light a cigarette cool as hell I'd ask them to visit me sometime if they wanted to but I wouldn't insist or anything what I'd do I'd let old Phoebe come out and visit me in the summertime and on Christmas vacation and Easter vacation and I'd let DB come out and visit me for a while if he wanted a nice quiet place for his writing but he couldn't write any movies in my cabin only stories and books I'd have this rule that nobody could do anything phony when they visited me if anybody tried to do anything phony they couldn't stay all of a sudden I looked at the clock in the check room and it was 25 of 1 I began to get scared that maybe that old lady in the school had told the other old lady not to give old Phoebe my message I began to get scared that maybe maybe she told her to burn it or something it really scared hell out of me I really wanted to see old Phoebe before I hit the road I mean I had her Christmas dough and all finally I saw her I saw her through the glass part of the door the reason I saw her she had my crazy hunting hat on you could see that hat about 10 miles away I went out the doors and started down the stone stairs to meet her the thing I couldn't understand she had this big suitcase with her she was just was coming across Fifth Avenue and she was dragging this goddamn big suitcase with her she could hardly drag it when I got up closer I saw it was my old suitcase the one I used to use when I was at Wooten couldn't figure out what the hell she was doing with it hi she said when she got up close she was all out of breath from that crazy suitcase I thought maybe you weren't coming I said what the hell is in that bag I don't need anything I'm just going the way I am I'm not even taking the bags I got at the station what the hell you got in there she put the suitcase down my clothes she said I'm going with you can I okay what I said I almost fell over when she said that I swear to God I did I got sort of dizzy and I thought I was going to pass out or something again I took them down the back elevator so Charlene wouldn't see me it isn't heavy all I have in it is two dresses and my moccasins and my underwear and box and some other things feel it it isn't heavy feel it once can I go with you Holden can't I please no shut up why can't I please Holden I won't do anything I'll just go with you that's all I won't even take my clothes with me if you don't want me to I'll just take my you can't take anything because you're not going I'm going alone so shut up please Holden please let me go I'll be very very very you won't even you're not going now shut up give me that bag I said I took the bag off her I was almost all set to hit her I thought I was going to smack her for a second I really did she started to cry I thought you were supposed to be in a play at school and I thought you were supposed to be Benedict Arnold in that play in all I said I said it very nasty what do you want to do not be in the play for God's sake that made her cry even harder I was glad all of a sudden I wanted her to cry till her eyes practically Direct dropped out I almost hated her I think I hated her most because she wouldn't be in that play anymore if she went away with me come on I said I started up the steps to the museum again I figured what I'd do was I'd check the crazy suitcase she'd brought in the check room and then she could get it again at 3:00 after school I knew she couldn't take it back to school with her come on now I said she didn't go up the steps with me though she wouldn't come with me I went anyway though and brought the bag in the check room and checked it and then I came down again she was still standing there on that sidewalk but she turned her back on me when I came up to her she can do that she can turn her back on you when she feels like it I'm not going away anymore I changed my mind so stop crying and shut up I said the funny part was she wasn't even crying when I said that I said it anyway though come on now I'll walk you back to school come on now you'll be late she wouldn't answer me or anything sort of tried to get hold of her old hand but she wouldn't let me she kept turning around on me did you have your lunch you had your lunch yet I asked her she wouldn't answer me all she did was she took off my red hunting hat the one I gave her and practically chucked it right in my face then she turned her back on me again it nearly killed me but I didn't say anything I just picked it up and stuck it in my coat pocket come on hey I'll walk you back to school I said I'm not going back to school I didn't know what to say when she said that I just stood there for a couple of minutes you have to go back to school you want to be in that play don't you you want to be Benedict Arnold don't you no surely you do certainly you do come on now let's go I said in the first place I'm not going away anywhere I told you I'm going home I'm going home as soon as you go back to school first I'm going to go down to the station and get my bags and then I'm going to go straight I said I'm not going back to school you can do what you want to do but I'm not going back to school she said so shut up it was the first time she ever told me to shut up it sounded terrible God it sounded terrible it sounded worse than swearing she still wouldn't look at me either and every time I sort of put my hand on her shoulder or something she wouldn't let me listen do you want to go for a walk I asked her you want to take a walk down to the zoo if I let you not go back to school this afternoon and go for a walk will you cut out this crazy stuff she wouldn't answer me so I said it over again if I let you skip school this afternoon and go for a little walk will you cut out the crazy stuff will you go back to school tomorrow like a good girl I may and I may not she said then she ran right the hell across the street without even looking to see if any cars were coming she's a Madman sometimes I didn't follow her though I knew she'd follow me so I started walking down toward the zoo on the park side of the street and she started walking downtown on the other godamn side of the street she wouldn't look over at me at all but I could tell she was probably watching me out of the corner of her crazy eye to see where I was going and all anyway we kept walking that way all the way to the zoo the only thing that bothered me was when a double-decker bus came along because then I couldn't see across the street and I couldn't see where the hell she was but when we got to the zoo I yelled over to her Phoebe I'm going in the zoo come on now she wouldn't look at me but I could tell she heard me and when I started down the steps to the zoo I turned around and saw she was crossing the street and following me and all there weren't too many people in the zoo because it was sort of a lousy day but there was a few around the seaon and swimming pool and all I started to go by but old Phoebe stopped and made out she was watching the sea lions getting fed the guy was throwing fish at them so I went back I figured it was a good chance to catch up with her and all I went up and sort of stood behind her and sort of put my hands on her shoulders but she bent her knees and slid out from under me she can certainly be very snotty when she wants to she kept standing there while the sea lions were getting fed and I stood right behind her I didn't put my hands on her shoulders again or anything because if I had she really would have beat it on me kids are funny you have to watch what you're doing she wouldn't walk right next to me when we left the sea lions but she didn't walk too far away she sort of walked on one side of the sidewalk and I walked on the other side it wasn't too gorgeous but it was better than having her walk about a mile away from me like before we went up and watched the Bears on that little Hill for a while but there wasn't much to watch only one of the of the Bears was out the polar bear the other one the brown one was in his goddamn cave and wouldn't come out all you could see was his rear end there was a little kid standing next to me with a cowboy hat on practically over his ears and he kept telling his father make him come out daddy make him come out I looked at Old Phoebe but she wouldn't laugh you know kids when they're sore at you they won't laugh or anything after we left the Bears we left the zoo and crossed over this little Street in the park and then we went through one of those little tunnels that always smell from somebody taking a leak it was on the way to the Carousel old Phoebe still wouldn't talk to me or anything but she was sort of walking next to me now I took a hold of the belt at the back of her coat just for the hell of it but she wouldn't let me she said keep your hands to yourself if you don't mind she was still sore at me but not as sore as she was before anyway we kept getting closer and closer to the Carousel and you could start to hear that nutty music it always plays it was playing omarie it played that same song about 50 years ago when I was a little kid that's one nice thing about carousels they always play the same songs I thought the carousel was closed in the winter time old Phoebe said it was the first time she practically said anything she probably forgot she was supposed to be sore at me maybe because it's around Christmas I said she didn't say anything when I said that she probably remembered she was supposed to be sore at me do you want to go for a ride on it I said I knew she probably did when she was a tiny little kid and Ally and DB and I used to go to the park with her she was mad about the carousel you couldn't get her off the goddamn thing I'm too big she said I thought she wasn't going to answer me but she did no you're not go on I'll wait for you go on I said we were right there then there were a few kids riding on it mostly very little kids and a few parents were waiting around outside sitting on the benches and all what I did was I went up to the window where they sell the tickets and bought old Phoebe a ticket then I gave it to her she was standing right next to me here I said wait a second take the rest of your Dough too I started giving her the rest of her dough she'd let me you keep it keep it for me she said then she said right afterwards please that's depressing when somebody says please to you I mean if it's Phoebe or somebody that depressed the hell out of me but I put the dough back in my pocket aren't you going to ride too she asked me she was looking at me sort of funny you could tell she wasn't too sore at me anymore maybe I will the next time I'll watch you I said got your ticket yes go ahead then I'll be on this bench right over here I'll watch you I went over and sat down on this bench and she went and got on the carousel she walked all around it I mean she walked once all the way around it then she sat down on this Big Brown beat up looking old horse then the carousel started and I watched her go around and around there were only about five or six other kids on the ride and the song the carousel was playing was Smoke Gets In Your Eyes it was playing it very Jazzy and funny all the kids kept trying to grab for the gold ring and so was old Phoebe and I was sort of afraid she'd fall off the goddamn horse but I didn't say anything or do anything the thing with kids is if they want to grab the gold ring you have to let them do it and not say anything if they fall off they fall off but it's bad if you say anything to them when the ride was over she got off her horse and came over to me you ride once too this time she said no I'll just watch you I think I'll just watch I said I gave her some more of her dough here get some more tickets she took the dough off me I'm not mad at you anymore she said I know hurry up the thing's going to start again then all of a sudden she gave me a kiss then she held her hand out and said it's raining it's starting to rain I know then what she did it damn near killed me she reached in my coat pocket and took out my red hunting hat and put it on my head don't you want it I said you can wear it a while okay hurry up though now you're going to miss your ride you won't get your own horse or anything she kept hanging around though did you mean it what you said you really aren't going away anywhere are you really going home afterwards she asked me yeah I said I meant it too I wasn't lying to her I really did go home afterwards hurry up now I said the thing's starting she ran and bought her ticket and got back on the goddamn Carousel just in time then she walked all the way around until she got her own horse back then she got on it she waved to me and I waved back boy it began to rain like a bastard in buckets I swear to God all the parents and mothers and everybody went over and stood right under the roof of the carousel so they wouldn't get soaked to the skin or anything but I stuck around on the bench for quite a while I got pretty soaking wet especially my neck and my pants my hunting hat really gave me quite a lot of protection in a way but I got soaked anyway I didn't care though I felt so damn happy all of a sudden the way old Phoebe kept going around and around I was damn near ball and I felt so damn happy if you want to know the truth I don't know why it was just that she looked so damn nice the way she kept going around and around in her blue coat and all God I wish you could have been there chapter 26 that's all I'm going to tell about I could probably tell you what I did after I went home and how I got sick and all and what school I'm supposed to go to next fall after I get out of here but I don't feel like it I really don't that stuff doesn't interest me too much right now a lot of people especially this one psychoanalyst guy they have here keeps asking me if I'm going to apply myself when I go back to school next September it's such a stupid question in my opinion I mean how do you know what you're going to do till you do it the answer is you don't I think I am but how do I know I swear it's a stupid question DB isn't as bad as the rest of them but he keeps asking me a lot of questions too he drove over last Saturday with this English babe that's in this new picture he's writing she was pretty affected but very good-looking anyway one time when she went to the lady's room way the hell down in the other Wing DB asked me what I thought about all this stuff I just finished telling you about I didn't know what the hell to say if you want to know the truth I don't know what I think about it I'm sorry I told so many people about it about all I know is I sort of Miss everybody I told about even old strad ladder and akley for instance I think I even miss that goddamn Maurice it's funny don't ever tell any body anything if you do you start missing everybody