I go through refuge until I'm invited to the Buddha Dhamma and the Supreme assembly by the merits are creates from listening to the Dharma may I become a Buddha in order to benefit sentient beings may I go for evidence I'm enlightened to the Buddha the Dharma the supreme assembly by the mayor secretary listening to the teachings may I become a Buddha in order to benefit sentient beings I go from reference until I'm enlightened to the Buddha the Dharma and the supreme assembly and by the merits I create listening to the teachings may I become a Buddha in order to benefit sentient me so that becomes our motivation then we just sowed the seed of bodhichitta right there mind boggling amazing now I saw the title and says something about fear me rebut you me male means it says all about attachment which one or both both actually it's freeing yourself from fear and you know who's talking that was me Oh couldn't see so you want me to talk about attachment is that the crime what do you want me talking about married I would like you to please discuss the components that contribute to our fear namely I believe that attachment is a driver much of our yeah fear but okay okay fear okay well when you study you know when you study Buddhist psychology you learn this text you know that outlines various states of mind what isn't very precise because what he's describing isn't the peace of the brain but is the auras and the conditions that activate our experiences but the Buddha's you know it's very precise he's describing out and defining literally different thoughts because conceptuality is the is the actual function of all what we call our emotions which itself is a big surprise to us but we need to learn to understand that if we want to understand both psychology so if you see the list you know even come as a massive list or I always as already say Buddha talks about 84,000 articulating 84,000 distinct problems and he's got 84,000 antidotes to us and then you know from my own some soon to these three the three poisons we know this phrase and we've read any Buddhist books we're going to bundle EPS phrase the three poisons you know the three coccyx emotions three toxic emotions they're not nice modern phrase for us so these as we a we know enough you know it was calling neurons or we like to call it good to call its ego grasping it's a nice tasty very tasty killer a term for it you know and then attachment and aversion or attachment and anger so like I say you know these are simple words ignorance attachment anger like you know as if all of what a psychology is based on that I mean we look into the models into our you know model of our psychology and neuroscience and our culture is this you know immense I mean this must be 27 psychiatric volumes and every day we're identifying another psychiatric illness you know well what hasn't been changing his tune for two and a half thousand years he says there's 84,000 and you can time map of them and they all got a relationship or very neat and major pet interdependent and they narrow down to these three and the point is that we can understand these three we've got a deep understanding of Buddhism we've got an understanding of what's we suffer you have an understanding of karma we have an understanding of the world this is not journey this is a very it's a very coherent presentation you know now if you look at that list is a lot a long list or a short list you're never going to see up a state of mind that's called fear you got to see a state of mind that's called ego grasped by ignorance attachment jealousy pride arrogance 7:27 giving variations of these different states of mind you know and they're all very precise and they are pointing to a particular a particular thought which sort of shock to us to think that anger is a thought seems like a comedy doesn't it I mean to say attachment is a thought but when we really understand the way the bullet talks about the mind we gotta get we gotta get to see this well you won't find one called fear because you could say all these neurotic states in mind all the Buddha calls when the deluded ones and neurotic ones they're disturbing ones the painful ones if you look at loving issues wonderful book maja movie that came out last year I think in his incredible effort you know in his unbelievable effort to communicate with us in our modern terms you know somehow Lama from the time he first met Westerners back in the mid-60s he like I'm like a miracle he somehow it was like he was born a hippie he could just he talked the way that we understood it was quite astonishing and I see that's in depth and I learned it when I have to edit his teachings you know so I mean these these unhappy neurotic deluded States and while using one word in Buddhist psychology the one word that's always used and that word is called affliction well Lama I identified in the book 21 different terms at Lama many of them traditional ones but many he made up just it is enormous ever to get us to comprehend the way these states of mine function and that they cause a suffering and and the fact is they're all they're all rooted in fear their flavour is fear their taste is fear their nature is fear the experience when we own the midst of them is fear now this might be surprising we can see if a person is having a panic attack and their eyes are wide and they're freaking out heart beating fast now if you didn't know the words they were saying and you saw another person our eyes wide heart beating fast words shouting out the mouth and you and you wouldn't know the difference that what we call one of them angry and one having a panic attack but it wouldn't look much different and if you really analyze you step back from that angry person their eyes look like a little child who's angry stomping and screaming stand rolling on the floor if that's not a complete mental collapse think about it really clearly is that if they're not having a complete mental breakdown a complete panic attack what else would you call it but we're so used to calling our look at them you just think angry just having a chin you know we'll say but look at it it's completely hysterical I mean completely hysterical is that not fear I mean is that not the energy of fear you're hysterical look at won't even small things throughout the day you know when things don't go well it's always when things don't go well we get anciently called anxiety worry I mean you know you're not looking Buddhist listen fun one call anxiety or worry either/or stress there's terms week we've we've got you know we all recognize those what else are they but for you stress you know there's two things crashing together and you can't handle it let's call fear yes experiencing fear okay so the real fear the one we really like I think when we talked on whatever take two days ago about emptiness it's really it's really when that one is attacked that's like for me speaking loosely I think we can call this deepest delusion we discuss it I think on Wednesday you know when you're like in when yet like you're driving on the road and someone nearly runs you over something shocking happen someone insults you that's when we would call what we call fear I think now that's you know that I think the West mr. Darwin wasn't if he calls that interesting for survival I don't know it's from the term oh I guess it when you're attacked I see and observe animals you'll see it you'll observe humans when something shocking happens you know we come into this incredible state of hyper consciousness you know and we then sort of we call it we thought I think we call it instinct for survival so you do something to save yourself well I mean that's fear complete hysterical fear the sea so the you know the Buddhist word for it in Buddhism is this root delusion called ego grassman called literally caught we discuss on Wednesday ego grasping but the thing is because it's so primordial it's we can articulate we can't hear the story is telling us I think I may look a bit an attachment we can begin to see the story the conceptual story the thought that attachment is attachment is a thought that over-exaggerated some deliciousness of an object and it seems so so simple to say that that's the fundamental character of the State of Mind called attachment anger is a state as starts with a thought that over exaggerate the ugliness of something so like we talked on I think we talked on Wednesday there's a point how these they embellish that in their current and their nature they are they are liars it but the way to understand them as Liars is to understand how their conceptions and this is very shocking for us so nun was when you study Buddhist psychology you learn you know you learn the epistemological model which isn't as amazing so so extorting Western science as we so blissed-out to study in so fascinating the actual way our mind functions is super fascinating but of course they've got to posit the possibility that might not be the clot in the brain they're talking about and that's there's something what isn't it when you learn and how the mind functions and one way they simply talk about how the mind functions from this point of view is it we've got sensory consciousness and mental consciousness sensory and mental and this is really quite important to understand if we want to begin to understand mental consciousness which is as lama yeshe puts it which is also puts it that's where the workshop is he talked to Peyton point there you know that's where the workshop is that's all the feelings and thoughts and emotions and unhappy and happiness and love and compassion and jealousy and bliss and joy and rage and despair and psychosis you name it all of it is in the mental consciousness it ain't sensory this is a fact and this is a very interesting point I think we should understand economy from what I understand our mind you know and why do understand our mind because what it tells us in the word Buddha the end result of all this hard work and we can get rid of all the rubbish and grow all the goodness so we better and that's in the mind we can get rid of all the delusions of the nonsense and the rubbish and the deluge and the nonsense of all the afflictions because what is found within the core of our being and we can grow to perfection all the good stuff being very simple is how the Muslim describes this in our mental consciousness and our mental consciousness but we also have a body it's called sensory consciousness but part of the problem here is weight like let me know she says we make the body the bus you check that as far as we concern we are only the body for a certain hour our material is philosophical view says we are running the body okay they're looking at things now talking to the Dalai Lama looking into these things all these mind and life people all these wonderful conversations these great science and and thought thinkers talking now about really what the mind is it's wonderful they doubt without questioning our assumptions I remember writing work reading a book while I was working on long as I was deaf but how the hope at the time of death I read a book by an American medical journalist called the undead what about zombies it's about all the finding his own you know researching around the states in particular America and all the contradictions and problems and confusions now in all different states in the medical industry in the medical profession about exactly when death happens all because of this it's all in the business of when they you know take people's organs lots of interesting things happen it's like very confusing now no one's in quite sure but when death is such as bring it because now they're forced to be in questioning their assumptions you know and one doctor you know one doctor in this business he said I can now say with certainty that the consciousness is not a function of the brain I don't know what it is but I can say that because they're seeing that people are having conscious experiences when their brain is not working so there's it's wonderful it's forcing people to question the assumptions so the point I hear is the what is you is fundamentally clear we have consciousness on mind which in its nature is not physical it's not it's not even not the brain it's not a function of the brain I like to put it this way they're very gross level our ordinary day-to-day feelings and experiences you could argue could say simply that the brain is a physical indicator of what goes on in the mind it's a good way to put it I'd say watch I'm insulting your science you know but it's crucial to understand take as a hypothesis and these are not the same entity not the same thing it actually connected you can't separate them gross consciousness which is the day-to-day level mostly our senses you can't separate that from body you can't have eye consciousness which is not physical without an eyeball so the interview pendant but they're not the same thing very subtle a very close relationship so the thing is that we make the body the bus because we think without only the body and because all of that from the second we wake up at the grocery level we are totally most of the time in our daily lives we are only conscious at the level of senses 99% of the time we know we have feelings but we wait like I said I've been saying they kept they finally come to the service was shouting and yelling and really fainting on or lying in bed in her from depression because our body is now experiencing the results of what's happening and there we go der I must be feeling something way too late that's why Buddhism brilliant skill his expertise is enables us it is the ability to look into the mind more deeply go beyond the gross level that's the unique skill of what I have you know it's incredible what what is saying so already when we can see that the waste of a simple level the way the census function and how we give them so much power power they do not have in reality and that he misleads us hugely and you'll see in a very simple example I use very simple I mean it is more nuanced than this when you study in more depth I think and I haven't studied in depth but a little bit I know if you look at the eye when you're studying about the sensory consciousness in a sense of our consciousness is that part of your mind not physical remember that functions through the medium of a decent eyeball all the nerves working all the bits and pieces it's clear but the consciousness per the capacity for cognition Oh cold I consciousness is not eyeball itself it's the eyeball is imbued with consciousness put it that way and so what I said the thing is mind cognizes that's what it does it's his job mine cognizes mind knows things mind is aware of things that's his job that's his job I'll go confuse when I say things because I'm in my same room every day with my same computer but I know I'm talking to one minute two people in London next minute to people in towers I'm be confused where am i today Santa Fe I have to see people's faces you see even then that's confusing because my friend Kristina in Sydney turns up at 2:00 a.m. you know for a for a u.s. teaching so it's been confusing but I I mean we did we talk about the Myra I think I mean maybe we did not talk about now who cares I mean it's all the same anyway so okay the way the mind functions is very fascinating for the Buddha the way the mind functions is really fascinating let me talk about that in in Mahamudra your mind cognizes things like a mirror does this is very it's very good to hear this it's not how we think at all you know the mind calm neither is like a mirror so the Buddhist point is if even is so we have our sensory consciousness started we have our mental so whatever the mind always cognizing something mind they also they say mine is subject and it always has an object and object isn't mean a physical thing mind always is composing something the grossest level of mind has his own particular gross object and the sackless level of consciousness the suckers beyond which it can't be subtler that has an object to okay in the state of deep concentration they like they murder merge as if they're one but there's always a subject and object so I consciousness what is it cognize each state of our mind is very precise Swain Buddhism describes it it has its own object so what is eye consciousness what is the object of our consciousness well you know what we think the object of my consciousness is we think it's divine delicious and some Donna's going to make me happy for eternity who looks completely demands on the tip of his toenails down to his hair up to his hair I will tell you doc Donna looks divine he is so handsome we say that don't we and we as far as I'm concerned if I mean in love with Don because I've got attachment and my attachment is grotesquely exaggerating Tong Donald's beauty his last four boyfriends and girlfriends will tell him that he's a cheat and a liar I don't care because he's making me happy right now as far as I'm concerned my my my attachment which is in my mental consciousness is causing him to look divine but I don't think my mental I don't think my attachments doing anything I think it's my eyes I think eyes seeing divine Don when I hear music and I hear that trumpet as Miles Davis odd blues out I'll believe my ear is cognizing Miles Davis not technically no your senses are like dumb animals you know they you respected dumb animals they had very limited capacity for cognition so this is very shocking because as far as we concern everything is our senses everything is our body very fascinating this so then you've got to ask the question when I split my eyes land on Don and I see a divine and handsome person and I think my eyes are seeing a divine handsome person sort of analyze it then if my eyes and they're already so what are I consciousness capable of only it's only capable of cognizing two things shape and color that's it really limited well you've got to ask the question as obvious what part of my mind is cognizing divine handsome Don you have to ask that well guess what quicker than Google quick of it and I'm really not joking Google's amazing it'll tell you 22 trillion and a half a second the mental consciousness apparently when you studied in depth is completely mind-boggling Lee brilliant it's so sophisticated in the way they're cogniser things unbelievable apparently I'm absolutely ingenious you know so that quicker than Google a millisecond my eyes land there my it mind quicker than Google my mental consciousness is accessed and what's that that's what all my memories there's nothing that ever goes astray is he touching in London said it's like we're shooting a movie all day and this is his beginning those lifetimes and everything has stored as memories just bare-bones that's one way the mind functions so nothing goes astray so I you know in million millisecond mind mental consciousness that's where the workshop is is accessed and out will come because of my familiarity and all the thing and the stories and the store the stories I have written the conceptual stories I have written about this person all those mistakes of mine I'm having a nap we'll come Wow Donna's so divine so handsome Don has a beautiful voice but your senses are just that the doorway you know so senses are huge but then we've got to see the way the mind works so mental consciousness that's why everything happens so what now is when we understanding the epistemological model that the mind functions it very a grosser level and an engrossing it and a subtle level so mental consciousness so it's forget the censors now but the mental consciousness has a grocery level of functioning which is day-to-day life and that's called this is this is the part now it's called conceptuality it's called thoughts you've got a subtle level and we've virtually never touch it until you're a great meditator when you completely gone beyond a conceptual beyond your sensory just using this brilliant technique these amazing Indians more than 3,000 years ago invented called single point of concentration called karma binding called summit are when you've got that and I've accomplished that then you have accessed a subtler level of your mind beyond the conceptual beyond sensory we don't even posit that as existing in neuroscience in our psychology there you can access it's like the microscope of your mind and that's not conceptual so the best we can do is imagine that because we can't and can't really you know we don't have the experience we live at the level of conceptuality so it's a day-to-day level whether you're sitting there quietly analyzing your mathematics being very rational with you're sitting there playing the music remembering all those amazing complicated theories in your mind and out they come at the sound bark playing on the piano with you sitting there having having feeling completely blissful if you're sitting there feeling hungry it was sitting there feeling psychotic if you're sitting there feeling generous whatever it might be for the most intellectual to the most creative to the most emotional conceptualize all of that is rooted in being and a thousand thoughts a second thoughts conceptual stories so what's in this concept mental consciousness as millions of elaborate elaborate conceptual stories it's that we have been writing for a few Yuans bonuses and that's what the make them that so the name of these scripts the name of these thoughts just in the small list attachment in the negativeness attachment and anger there's two of them right there just two and they are massive and the positive list there's love and compassion they're all rooted in being thoughts because that's the lever we function at but there will be days of data level but of course because this is the point now why when we talk about feelings when we talk about emotions when your body is the heart is beating which is physical when the eyes are wide and the tears are coming out when the words are vomiting out your mouth when you feel like this massive storm inside you that we call anger it seems like a joke to say that you're having a thought it sucking larious but look at this the more you practice thinking something for example doing something and thinking something the obvious result is that you get you get better at it isn't it I think of learning music if you begin to learn music let's say you want your learning back very complex classical musical theory you start with the theory it's so complicated and it's all conceptual it's or elaborate thoughts isn't it it's so complex you've never heard all these weird things before you look at the language that Bach has written on that piece of paper it's like it's like it's like computer science language is so complex isn't it when you're not familiar with it but it's all conceptuality you've got to learn all these complex theories it's called thoughts in the beginning you have to start and listen to it hear the definitions think about it memorize and then slowly you start to comprehend it and you can read that language and you can start putting your fingers on the piano and you get to recognize what those those dots and things on the paper refer to you put your finger on that note you put your finger on this note so you then make an experience of those theories and that's called sound and it's called music now when you begin playing you stumble gotta keep the music what was that if gee what was that one you know but guess what the more you practice it the more you memorize those thoughts there's a little a buret conceptual constructs the more familiar you become with it and look at what happens it becomes fear doesn't it it becomes feeling once you've familiarized yourself so completing of the theories sort of the conceptuality goes to the background and now your experience takes over and you have incredible feelings when people listen they're in tears because it's you and I'm swimming you playing it it becomes beyond the conceptual and now you have this experience which is a profound feeling isn't it if you'd play really loud noises on the piano bashing the piano I mean the feeling that it the Tundra's is really shocking but no that's a mistaken one don't forget that it's the one of secretly listening to the thoughts in the beginning they're really complicated but as you familiarize yourself with them it goes beyond the thoughts and becomes experiential well that's why as a little girl my mother didn't have to teach me anger theory I had it in my mind already when I was born from having been angry before and I brought it with me in exactly the same way you look at these little girls I'm looking watching little girls I'm fascinated by little children on YouTube playing back playing shop and playing a list you can't believe your eyes you think someone's photoshopped you know YouTube you can't believe this brilliant little children because why as I said it because they're familiar with music I was good at anger someone else's good at love and they're good at music because we practiced it before so it's become experiential so I didn't said what we mean by instinct think about it in other words if you're instinctively angry it's because you've had those thoughts for so many lifetimes and you've got to posit this because it explains why didn't even have it you know you've got anger programmed in your mind you've believed in this conceptual story which is anger how dare that happened to me how dare you do that to me that's anger and outrage how dare that happened to me when you see someone punching and kicking because if enraged it's something that they didn't want happen so that's anger and it's a conceptual story that exaggerated the greenness of that thing you've practiced it you've practiced it so now it's beyond the theory you don't say oh I think I'll have an angry thought now what was it again oh you are horrible stronger more Romina you are horrible no you know it already you just said automatic because you've programmed with it you've practiced it to perfection but now it's beyond the theory and now it's experiential that's what feelings and emotions are and that's of course because I'm and now that's knit and then because those and that's why in the Roger Jana model it's so fascinating to learn the intimate relationship between the mind and the body this is really helpful you don't start this when you study the Sutra teachings about the mind but it's really helpful to understand this and this is a debate a medical system in that system in the body Anna this is this the universe is made of matter which is the four elements and minds that's you and all Minds all minds are even extremely linked to their own set of the four elements this is just the way the universe is and as this explains karma as long as over said one time in the car Chopra Tantra I find this little bit so helpful I hope you join the dots you know once I said in the cards are potential tantrum is a term referring to a type of practice the more advanced but also to a taste so the concept of Tantra the text wrote a says there are these detailed descriptions of the intimate relationship between the internal and external energy or internal is mind consciousness and external is the body physical and they and they set the VAT of the subtle asleep where gross and subtle levels at the subtle level we have this at least we have this image mm some channels I could subtle nervous system and coursing through all these channel is all these different wings these different air energies I mean this event doctor study 15 years all these different wind energies and that's sound we used to talk 500 years ago in our culture now we have different systems don't we and there's this intimate relationship between the minds all these my all these winds costs through all these channels and all have different mental states all the different mental states all these conceptual stories it's not so peculiar to us intimately linked to those winds the Tibet and say the mind rides on the winds so your Tibetan doctor make sure you go to your doctor you're feeling really anxious and she'll feel your pulses and she will feel exactly those winds that are unbalanced and she will know it's related to your attachment that the the winds related to your attachment have been disturbed because you've got a definite gone berserk you know having panic attacks she'll recognize the winds that are related to your anger so when you she gives you your herbal medicine which calms down the winds which helps you anger calm down it's very intimate very intricate relationship this is very powerful so summers over says I'm one of us cussing here was the intimate relationship between body and mind why when I got these strong conceptual stories in your life practice to perfection and I instantaneously get raging angry month all my sister would hurt me when I was three years old let's say I didn't have to learn it was already programmed so of course my body is involved so when the window when the even ones almost ever said it's just when you're angry that disturbs the winds and that pollutes your winds so right there it makes you de-stress yeah that's when your body's all tight I'm shouting and unhappy because your winds are gone berserk it's your body it's your physical and then chemically you're putting negative seeds in your mind which create the course to continue to be angry and it proves the winds in the future which is it was and the result of which is called sickness so we as what karma we create everything and this is a long-term evolutionary kind of comes like personal evolution you know so the mind is habituated with the habit of how dare you do that to me and what's anger that's the response when attachment doesn't get what it wants and what's attachment or the junkie in us this frantic concept this frantic assumption that I must get what I want every second we can only cope with the bed we can only cope with good things so attachment when it comes down to it it's primordial assumption deep in our bones the grossest level is when you're aware I love chocolate cake that's a gross level but it's not a subtle presence in our mind since they're all the time running the show like a default mode and it's assumption is I must get what I want every second and it's like hysterical if we don't and that's the arising of anger or variations of it you know annoyed frustrated upset anxious guilty I mean anxious stressed there's a whole spectrum of levels of aversion and aversion is the response when attachment is watered it's so subtle how all this stuff works you know we've got to start someone with us so what I'm getting at is the relation between this in the body and the mind the intimately connected is clear but it's the mind that runs it's not the other so the other way around the mind is the boss finally I'm in right now victims of our bodies we can't even bear a slight you know one mosquito taking one tiny drop of our precious but never panic attack my precious body you know and we're body is telling us everything I mean the slide is painting your new your day is destroyed isn't it because we're so attached to the physical experiences we so assume this is me and happiness is having pleasant feelings in the body and that happiness is having unpleasant feelings in the body isn't it so the body balloon is large for us and we give it way more power than it has we give the sensory experiences way more power than they have so their habits more habitual something is what easy you do it and therefore the more the more experience or more beyond conceptual ideas like that music you know there's anything you learn you learn to play it you learn to drive a car it becomes automatic you either get the theories don't you you just do a lot of programmed your mind you've programmed your mind we know that's called learning something cosmic that's for karma that water cause and effect one of the key results of doing or saying or thinking something is it makes it gets it easy it's easier to do it that's what called learning it's a culture learning is thought habits you know and we are so programmed now Buddha saying from countless past lives in attachment anger and the delusions and luckily ant we programmed also invert you this is how come we're sitting here together and not online pornography website wanting to or killing people or something I mean like I enjoy your points all right and I'm not being critical because look these imprints with virtue that's how can we find out so I was thinking these thoughts you know about human aging so it's helpful to get all this background you know explains things to us I think it's so helpful isn't there in the literature because after studying it that's all so again the point is for the buddha in the mental consciousness and the gross level that we function it at the group which is all of our daily lives from again like i said from the time you're sitting there very peaceful being very intellectual be very very very analytical be highly emotional screaming shouting yelling to be totally joyful totally despair all of these are variation mental consciousness and some of those thoughts of negative of the neurotic and painful deluded non-virtuous neurotic ones broadly speaking and which are based on the neurotic sense of I and their nature they are fear and then the other ones love kindness compassion joy they ate fear opposite their attackers reality yawns and of course it's been living in la-la land you know up a creek without a paddle what's the plot ridiculous painful suffering dimension that trouble is in our culture we think they're all normal and it's a stroke too recently in one course because I'm used to talking this way and I tried you know I'm a Buddhist so then she said she's so shocked when she heard this is really correct she's so shocked when she heard that anger and jealousy and depression and low self-esteem and all the rest I can be gotten rid of she was completely shocked and it's a really good response but what are you talking about how good would you be if you didn't have those because we incorporate them don't we in our culture in our neuroscience in our psychology as normal necessarily parts of an ordinary person so it's weird to give you a sort of saying you can't get it you know very fascinating even just to hear it's not so important here that simple word Buddha the end result of all this countless lives of hardwood is the word Buddha Buddha it implies rid of all the rubbish this is what is incredible unique finding he's like this genius his unique finding was this in his own mind the depth of his own life he found all these delusion to the surface degree because they are misconceptions because they're states of mind that have no basis in reality that's why they can really removed and we can prove that and I'll prove it to you I've trig unlikely to you I've proved it once you establish that these all these that say someone that we live in day to day all these billions of conceptual stories these scripts that we have created and then two categories simply speaking here those that are not valid assessments that are distortions embellishments exaggerations and Rouge in fear and why they usually in fear this really sounds abstract they rooted in fear because they're not true we've been believing them for 42 years so if we get the I if you get the concept and we understand the simple point but the under the non-virtuous deluded in your negative neurotic painful and distressing states in mind that the feelings and emotions how we experience are rooted in being concepts opinions viewpoints in other words what's my consciousness lands on that shape and cover call labeled on my mental consciousness then comes up with a story right there you know bee-utiful Don handsome Don so what is that that's a that's a stop let's that's an about it's an opinion my ex is his ex-wife is sitting next to me and she says what a repulsive disgusting person she sees ugly same person same person same glasses same hair one person says disgusting one person says divine that should blow our mind that proves emptiness right there but we don't join the dots we don't we don't you know we don't get it it's an opinion isn't it's very clear everything's an all concepts or opinions all concepts are opinions there is a creator that's an opinion there is no creator that's an opinion emptiness it's an opinion it's a viewpoint as a companion it's a concept is a viewpoint and what is saying some viewpoints are in sync with reality and some aren't and what he is saying is his you he's telling us he's seen reality and don't believe him but we've got to prove it too so when you've got the concept that is in sync with reality when you when you want you know I we talk with engineers is a good was a good thing right now not only do we not know ultimate reality not only do we understand how really things do exist finally but we don't even get it right conventionally we've got makeup on with ridiculous stories you know conventionally we're wrong even to get conventional truth we'd be a happy bristle world so all the emotions we call the emotions our feelings through experience about body not the sense it's not the shape and color but the sound of those but the the stories in our mind that trigger few means you know when you're very when you're angry it triggers terrible feelings in the body because of this relationship between body and mind so helpful to understand that when you're ready bliss oh I'm in love with daughter I'm completely blissed-out it's triggy in testing delicious feelings they're very real feelings middle and physically but they're driven by the story in my mind it's so clear it's so clear you so fascinating their own stories their opinions their viewpoints as the Buddha says we've got to find out what which viewpoints are real which ones aren't sync with reality and which aren't and he says we can remove the ones that artistic was reality and the consequence of that is enlightenment the consequent is bliss joy compassion wisdom fully developed because they they are the virtuous ones are at the core of our being and are rooted in some kind of level of reality when you realize interest you really got reality this is a Buddhist approach to the mind it's not have me talking modern psychology that's not how we talking neuroscience so okay how would you manage I do you any questions so far and you know I mean any questions Brian I pen klaudia Rowena Andrea Karen Matt Elena Claire Victor talk to me somebody questions so far we'll carry on we'll continue rather any questions so far levena yes we're not yes Barbara yes um I've lost track what is reality it seems it's it seems that I'm either we either embellish things favorably or we embellish them negatively it's exactly right here and where is them reality Mary that's exactly the right that's the $64,000 question baby and that's the pursuit that Buddha says that he presents the methodology for and there was which is when we will finally be in in touch with reality I mean that's a it's okay to intellectual about it this is look at that's a very good question speaking conventionally you know thing conventionally so simply speaking if we get done just think of an ordinary thing like myself I call it a cup it's a cup and really use a cup and since they're Muslim what kind of someone so gets a call to semo's well it's probably not a thermos brandon eric term now isn't it it's a king to-- nevermind but it keeps my team all right my hot water one so you can look at it and go oh what a disgusting thermos I hate black you know another person like me will go on some your testers I saw it completely attached to it so there we are the reality this is a conventional this is not complicated this is an ordinary conventional reality Barbara we can say you gotta say well mummy what is it well darling it's called a thermos we really need to be on the same page if we want to communicate and you say to me please pass me that black thermos if you and I both agree this is the definition and blacks almost we're going to communicate aren't we but if you say to me pass me that disgusting revolting thermos I'll preserve a text I've got I don't know disgusting so much then we'll have an argument won't we you see I'm saying so there is some reality just thinking relatives forget the ultimate one we can eat it's not complicated to see the reality the reality is this is a called world cause it's black the world calls it a thermos it functions as the service you've got to prove it so we fit that if we change the definition of it we check that it does fit its definition it does hold my water and it does keep it warm for hours later I'll tell you it's still hot so we take the box and we agree the conventional reality is this is a black thermos good enough easy that's easy what is done so we use the conventional not disgusting revolting ex-husband on who cheated on me and not divine handsome Don it's gonna make me happy one story is an angry story and one is an attachment story just like you said that's the usual two extremes we go between like drunken sailors all day so what is there is a reality there convention it's very simple don't make it complicated Don is labeled or these days you can be a sister girl a boy or non of this so by binary I don't forget all the terms it's quite a few and I'll be sarcastic but simply I've probably done their thing besides being a boy your Cory's have a boy Don a boy you're not a girl and you know by binary or a non binary are you your boy so we'll agree the dawn is a boy he's American he's this much age and we can look at certain conventional facts that our conventional truth and we will check that it's true so that's reality and a simple level if we had even that level of reality the world would be a blissful place a gun is a gun a gun is a piece of metal that hasn't thing in it but if you shoot it it will harm somebody that's a fact but to think of gun is divine and special and straight from God or to think a gun is a monstrous theme you can have a panic attack if you see it there are streams of attachment and aversion so even at that level it's not too complicated to see reality it's not a mystical thing you see my point barber I do absolutely sewing then we have to go more subtle though when we get to the subtlest level that's what we get to introduce but even getting this level reality then we don't be fairly reasonable people and then the others and our another one getting more close to the ethical business now someone will say are killing people is a really good idea and someone will say no killing is you know is shocking killing is wrong so they might not even be I mean one of those might be true it might not even be an executor say that killing is wrong is not an exaggeration that's a fact let's establish why it's wrong let's establish how that is a true fact and there's a fact I understand the simple one we just used before is selling reasonable when it comes to an action and this is the route this is the fundamental starting point of being a Buddhist what it deals with ethics you know and this is a crucial point what is a valid action what is an ethical thing I mean there's masses of discussion with that in our culture buddha's approach is very quite simple in one sense a starting point of it he's he you know if I'm a Christians a really good point I'm a Christian because God's the Creator God made the universe we know that God made up the laws is God's law it's a really powerful point so then doing what God said makes it a right action and doing what God not said not to do makes it a wrong action so that's the way you define a wrong action in Christianity a sin by definition is going against God's will it's by definition that because God said but that's not the Buddha see the Buddha is not a creator he's not a boss he's an observer so he says he's observed guess what it's a natural law but no sentient being likes getting harmed he'd check the ants and the monkeys and the humans then I think you can establish as a conventional truth given the way who we are nobody likes getting harmed nobody likes getting punched in the nose or your food stolen from you your partner stolen so the fairly conventional at that level given the way we all are these sentient beings who we are at that level of reality ethics is pretty straight forward to the buddha the first level of ethics and this is an entry level into Buddhist teachings he gives a little checklist of ten don'ts the first seven are about the first seven are actions that harm sentient beings so for the Buddha is a hundred percent natural law the killing is wrong because it hurts people then I think we can establish as a valid to truth as reality so then the Buddha's you is then you attempt before you can go further even don't even go further but that can be established as reality you know would you agree with that mm-hmm I do so that's a way that so even and that's not too complicated now when it comes to whether or not I create a negative action meaning in the Buddhist view whether or not I put a comic scene in my mind of negative or positive when I kill that's when it gets nuanced that's when it gets more sophisticated more subtle it depends on the motivation the time the situation on many factors but establishing first and foremost an action that harms another is labeled negative an action that benefits another is labeled virtuous she's understand that's a good starting point that can be established as reality and then we can establish that reality and without any further discussion the world would be a blissful place I understand you thank you that's this is conventional reality which is actually complicated but as long as we're all in agreement you know so I mean this is so that's only an agreement and there's no yeah I mean that's a good start I think Barbara yes yes thank you so anyone else any questions thinkers really but thank you so much any more questions so I can heavily Chataway I wanted to go to keep discussing I have a question can you hear me I can see you I need you start Michelle hi this is a question about the subtle mind which I don't think I know anything about and this idea the notion of being beyond concept so yeah when sitting is imagine a great meditator sitting who is accessing the subtle mind beyond concept my question is is there some it seems to me that there's some kind of conceptualization underlying that experience so the person sitting knows that they're the orientation left and right up and down that they're sitting on a cushion verse versus a chair how does it involves like a concept and that no but the little way discussing the subtlety is there's no there's no sensory in there's no conceptual that no sensory what a posit the possibility that we've got levels of cognition that are beyond sensory and beyond conceptual when you met that subtle level even in the Sutra teachings in the technique the human oozing vent which the Buddhists used in the Sutra practices which is this practice of calm abiding mmm-hmm never comforts that fully you'd look like you were dead basically because you've gone completely beyond the conceptual in the sensory that's the point you would not have any cognition of anything like that and then there are even subtle levels of mind that are induced when you practice Tantra literally beyond conceptual in sensory alright thank you I mean let me issues Maha mudra Buhl's the lovely book to read I really recommend it's a particular book a particular practice to some when it's using the two kinds of meditation that are stated in Buddhism calm abiding and special insight and it's a particular approach to getting concentration using the mind as the object of concentration and then and then the inside is incited to entrance it's a very particular approach he talks about the mind the way it works and he has any chapter when he designed the experiences just the experience that a person who's got karma binding it sounds like science fiction to us ordinary it's fascinating mm-hmm go soon yes good thank you very much well really Jackie what happened because there's no name there so it's fine but ma'am and I are attending this session and have a question my mother has been attending of domestic violence training in order to support some people about sex you know domestic violence and during one of her online sessions she was triggered and suddenly had flashbacks for the first time since she was 14 years old and when her father sexually abused her she shared it with me in details while being crippled in pain and has not been the same since then it's an open wound she feels unworthy of love and is full of self-loathing she's also resentful and hurt by her parents okay so and then what are some of the tools and how can she work towards reconciliation well excuse me I want to get all about reconciliation here there's a way we've got to first deal with ourselves this you know this nice analogy of wisdom and compassion we if you're all injured and beaten up by somebody there's no discussion about reconciling so she's got to sort out your own this we've got to slow down our own time so this is one of the most common things isn't it you know when we're abused usually sexual abuse I mean if a father just beats us up we're not going to suppress it I don't think but somehow because of all the drama in a culture about sexual attachment you know so deep in our bones karmically so powerful the one of the communists isn't but one of the Communist responses and this sweeter woman you sweetheart if you're here the commonest response is because it's so unbearable but it's so shocking and we just known morally it's wrong there's damn father you know so I'm starting to read about men it's all men you do it I mean three and half women abuse their children sexually they might beat them up there's this whole kind of thing about sex is so heavy in our minds and there we are children and your father abuses your sexual amorous actually outrageous it's just on the simple level of others harming others it's a shocking action so darling go you've got to start dealing with your pain you've been suppressing all these years and these things this is what is so fascinating like I said before the Buddhist approach is nothing goes astray everything gets stored in our memory nothing goes astray and this is what the point is it's gonna come up one way or another this is why if we can be brave enough there's just a little point here but it's too late now but I'm talking this is probably what our practice becomes when we start to being brave not to suppress but to learn to to greet the problem to look at it to see it we know the longer it stays away this is exactly the point you give a Center full of pain but the part that I find fascinating why do women feel guilty and self-loathing and not worthy of love you did nothing wrong you did nothing wrong a man your father you should have a better sense of responsibility how to teach his daughter abuses you sweetheart this is the first thing to get over this is the first thing to see this is so tragic that we feel I mean boys or girls Saints who are abused and all the stories of the priests you know these people in power parents are in power priests are in power and they abused their trust and abuse little Jordyn little girls little boys it's shocking it's terrible so we from outside as the victim have to learn to get to learn so so in a way darling can be brave enough but it's so good it's come up it's so good but you need to find good pup people to support you forget about reconciliation for now damn that you know that'll come when you're ready sweetheart and if your family have abusing your mother as well you know and that's talking what happens with mummies and daddies and mommies colluding with the daddies because the mummies are afraid of losing the daddies I mean there are so many variations of this story I mean you know like one person I knew had been abused by her uncle the beloved brother of his her own mother and the soon when she told the mother the mother was devastated she couldn't didn't want to believe it so she ended up supporting the brother this happens got all these family ties are so intense and in relations with mothers and husbands and wives it's so complicated because people's attachments you know and fear of losing and unable to be courageous so sweet out your main thing your main thing darling is find good support find good people to help you find people did who you can trust and love them whom you can weep your heart who can open your heart to so you can heal yourself and you got to give up self-loathing you have no reason to have self-loathing you've done nothing wrong you are totally worthy of love you've done nothing wrong you know this is my first piece of advice mostly that sweetheart so glittered got your darling daughter who can support you to focus on your own pain forget your father put him right out of your mind forget your mother forget your father and do not discuss it with them they might not be able to handle it you've got to find peace in your own mind so find good people to support you so you can heal your own heart and then slowly will you come to terms it you confront it you see it you'll go past it you will heal it I promise then you can look at your parents freshly and decide what you want to do but don't get them involved that'll just be a nightmare it'll be a a can of worms it'll be a hell on earth don't even have it's got nothing to do with them this is your own stuff you get good people to support you have your daughter support you other people to support you leave the family out of it I can't honey I can't stress that enough that's my opinion doing alright that's helpful to you that's for any one of us see just for the information just out of interest it's also a question where you're at you know I mean some people have had that happen and they've dealt with it and they've gone past and so now there's no longer an issue it's all a question of how much we've put it away in your case you suffocated it and now it's coming up so you know but and this is where the learning is what is approaches once we can learn from this learn from that past pain and then when we are more brain we can begin to work on our minds and all the little baby things go wrong not necessarily the heavy duty abuses don't wait for those little baby things go wrong it's just as mean to you the thing doesn't happen when you want it you drop the cup when you're watching the dishes little baby events that seem like nothing if we can owners who confront those and not suppress them and work with it and then we can move on from it and we can stay stable that's what we're capable of I tell you and you'll hear amazing stories of people who really deal with terrible abuse and learn to find the way to grow from it we are all capable of that when we're ready you know that's gonna start with healing ourselves can get the parents dude have nothing to do with them it's too complicated so I hope that's helpful sweetheart anybody else have any questions nothing okay any more questions Mary in the texts in the notes marry nothing in the chicks nothing in the chat no no okay okay so all right let's just keep talking in this direction now I mean this is where because the whole everyone of us sitting in this room together every single one of us you know on these pages every single one of us have variations of our own story of being hurt by others join the universe here you know strangers mummy's daddies bosses sisters uncle's auntie's we all have been harmed by sentient beings and this is this is the part of the very process of what so-called practice is so it's on a personal level where equus it's you know the very first level we have to recognize where we're at the pain and the hurt the grief the anger the resentment own it don't pretend don't think oh I shouldn't have this and but pretend has all gone away but only for what it is you know then it depends on our views if we're full-fledged Buddhists and we have the view of karma that's another whole kettle of fish and that can be very profound in helping us understand and answer the question why did this happen this is very huge let's all the question in our mind where we're at you know some people don't like the view of karma so they will love the view of karma and all the questions where we're at and what tools we handle some people I know when they hit like some of my friends in prison you know they they just as soon as they hear about the explanation of karma they it's huge it's so helpful to them why they killed somebody why there was this why that why I got abused it's very powerful but each of us is in different places and I don't know the person who just talked then asked the question I've got no idea where they're at with all that but that's of course its part that's one of the major Buddhist tools and it'll be a hugely powerful healing and all the question where and this is all you have to understand this sounds kind of bit blue so I'm trying to be too technical here and like we've been talking about the mind and this does sound a bit shocking when you've been abused by somebody or you've been harmed as bad even mild level annoys annoying things happen little things happen because basically you think we understand we understand attachment and anger these two seemingly simple states of mind which are fundamental in the workings of everybody's life for the mother and this model of the mind refers to animals as well as humans so really fun ism is a basic model the attachment in us is this deep instinctive yearning hunger and neurotic hunger coming from a sense of being separate and lonely and bereft and unwhole Tessa this huge hunger that has convinced something out there must be something out there sucks and when I get it it'll fill up the gaping hole that's really obvious look at how many I was food look at happy hours alcohol look at help me out in relationships we walk around feeling like a lonely and lonely Hungry Ghost feeling I'm nothing and nobody because no one loves me this is all a function of this attachment and this attachment this emotional hunger the sense of being less attachment is dissatisfaction that means I'm not whole this is a really simple way to put it we walk around like half people thinking I'm nothing and there that people are kind to us we suddenly think I must be something and so we're happy but then suddenly someone abuses us and this is the tragedy like you just said before this person when someone abuses us it makes us feel even more like I am I'm loathsome I am nothing I'm not worthy of love this is shocking response but this is the irony of ego because in other words attachment is the symptom of like the sad bereft lonely person this is what Buddha says we all join the universe here it's not unique to any one person this is the suffering that Buddha describes the human condition based on the sense of a separate self and as Lama Yeshe says in my mudra that very sense of the separate eye creates other you know so there's a lonely bereft said separate settings don't concrete me who in our nature feels like I'm nothing that of course me hunger after something and the deepest attachment we have more than sex drugs and rock and roll is to be seen and approved of so only wind and that's a huge hungriness and that really is is really it's like we really believe I am nothing unless someone says I'm something that's how deep this attachment is that's the suffering of human you know so be caught we're already feeling fragile and then Danny comes along and refuses us so of course we're gonna see if someone beats you up they're telling you that you're horrible isn't it that's what they do if we feel already we're nothing which is the irony of attachment we already feel we are nothing and mummys is sweet to us we go oh I must be okay but then daddy abuses us we must obviously assume I must not be okay and we believe that story well it's not true it's not true the fact that some maniac your father who's got anger he's got his own suffering problems obviously he can't control himself and his own abusive behavior because he has got his anger and we identify our self as bad because he hurts us that's his problem honey not ours this is so important for us to understand but we are whatever someone does to us if they're sweet to us we think I must be a nice person if they mean to us I think I must be an angry person this isn't the suffering of our lives this is the symptom of attachment and aversion but they're not true that woman that beloved woman who found remembers of suffering my father you are already already fantastic all your good qualities are right there whether someone loves you or doesn't love you is not relevant this is very shocking pressing here that's why we have bad relationships there's two half people we say there's my other half it's a terrible statement but that's what helped me see all you walking around like a half a person and the assumption of attachment and that's the disease is I'm nothing I've got to find somebody to make me whole that doesn't mean you won't have a beautiful relationship this is not arguing with relationships nobody got a good relationship and there's love and compassion you'll be very happy but it was mainly attachment in the assumption that when I get that boy when I get dawn now I'm what now I'm happy then this attached is like a vampire and it will demand the dawn do everything perfect to make me happy and then how dare he on me this has got these have quite brutal these assumptions that deep in our bones but this is how we suffer so there you are this girl lovely human being this you know the person we're talking about no daddy abuses her and then she assumes she is an unworthy of love and she's suppressive it was so horrible but no effect that your father's got anger the fact that your father can't control him so the fact that your father abused you has got zero to do with who you are darling this is what we have to learn this is a powerful point that we are so addicted to being seen as a good girl or event not been seen as a bad girl we depend we rely upon everybody in the outside world to feedback to us oh you're a nice person Robina so we feel better it's too fragile we are already fine we're gonna find our own self love rely on only idiots they don't have people like you and me so don't you know you're rotting and needy and deluded and I'm the ruffian leading delusion and I beg him to like me and he begs me to like me I went demented chopping each other up in this ridiculous relationship we are ridiculous are we communicating this is attachment and aversion nothing fancy are plumbers join the universe so attachment this deep emotional hunger that says that I'm nothing less that's what dissatisfaction is that's what sort of loathing is as white as our main disease in the in our culture we call it self hate we call it self loathing it's dissatisfaction that means I'm nothing and I don't have enough and I haven't got enough and no matter how much Donna tells me it's never enough and haven't got enough money and my bodies are we in this when it's like the default and I'm nothing that's just satisfaction and that's the emotional consequence of practicing attachment in the past that's our worst disease it's heartbreaking so we have to learn to find he I mean all this charm is real in the ways to heal ourselves to become who we already are then you'll have a words even relationship with somebody and then sweetiepie the one we're talking to then when you are healed you'll be able to see your father separately when you're ready and you'll look this sad unhappy human being who's full of delusions and ridiculous and you'll you might have some space one day to even have compassion but don't go there yet have compassion for yourself first who all have to do this that means got a dig deep inside and own what's there and bring it up and have all yep needs safe conditions you know Buddha says be your own therapist well we can't do that then get good people to help you we need good friends who we can love and support us who can who come whom we can trust with our heart who can help us hear our own heart so we can grow ourselves we need that in our culture a little broken hearted you one step at a time sweetheart so the part that's hard see this about this I find fascinating you know for the person for the woman who's buried this suffering her father abuses her she did nothing wrong but she's turned against herself this is very fascinating what admit this is a very common thing in our culture and that's called self-hating guilt the communist one with sexual abuse is guilt it's when you analyze it it's really really really fascinating someone beats you up and you get guilty I mean excuse me but we do it it's very fascinating we do it it's fascinating and it's a brutal it's a it's a it's like brutality to ourselves guilt you know you're just so finger guilty' sulfate I did you know even if we did nothing wrong and usually the sex abuse you did nothing wrong we said we'd love to I don't know why we do this so bizarre love to hate ourselves like to blame ourselves that's the communist one even was right I think even when you're an adult women always think they must have done something to deserve it you know it's very fascinating this so got a look at very clearly very brave you know and if we didn't do anything wrong and you didn't do anything wrong I'm gonna be guilty about it easy to say the words we're gonna know that set okay if you seduced your father you know if you purposely seduced your father not saying women a saint sauce in it I mean we thought you know peppers powerful energy between human beings doesn't you know cousin I mean we can be naughty at any age because God deluded states of mind if we did something wrong that we own it but if you didn't do anything wrong when you have nothing to own Sofer the first point is to recognize that guilt is just this terrible self hate is so irrational is so wrong and so mistaken we're gonna learn to not just it can just rip it out overnight but to analyze and it's got no logic to it if you did do something wrong then it's good to own it but even this is where we embellish when we do do things wrong we need to own it but we exaggerate it let's watch all these delusions do this what you're doing now and you did nothing wrong yeah you paid you're taking this whatever actually that happened you know you've set it back to yourself you were seeing the action of your father has said that you are a bad person it's very very bizarre but even though it's so common but there's not a fraction of logic to it there's not a millimeter of logic to start at least with that and recognize that then let's now us all come up for you now you can't put it away again darling you've got to find good people to help you who really are kind compassionate people who's who you trust who can use a sounding board to help you slowly heal this you know and whatever method you use you know that's up to you done you all have to do this we need people to help us therapists get them choose good people please a lot of rubbish out there choose good people and person you love and whom you know you trust and they have to be labeled a therapist can be a good friend who's a really loving friend who really you can trust and you can put everything onto them and they won't be offended by it we often put stuff on to anybody and then they turn it against us I'm gonna be very cautious when we speak to very cautious and the big powerful thing here - especially types of families like this example we tend to think we've got to kind of tell the person what happened and let them know everything and then demand they apologize something and this is what I said listen cause even 20 times more problems and that's whether it's your ex-boyfriend whether it's your mother and your father who abused you it doesn't follow at all that the solution is to bring everybody into it it can just make it so much more complicated you know I told you the example one girl is uncle abused her and it's the beloved brother her favorite brother her mother it was just beyond the suffering that was came as a result there's the complications because she she thought she had to tell the mother there's no benefit this is no this is something we really got to understand we've got to deal with our problems in our own particular way with our people and at some point it might come out that it might be useful to say something to somebody else it might be useful to go to the person they might be ready to hear it and they might be able to forgive but don't rely upon that but kind of our problem in our culture we feel unless that person we won't think we want that person to apologize you know we demand that they do that that is foolish it might never come and then when it won't come there's even more suffering you'll go completely crazy we've got to find Malthus to heal ourselves using good supports where there are Buddhist with you whatever it is you know then then you can just make the right wise choices from there you know we talk a lot about forgiveness in our culture as if somehow we're not healed until someone forgives us I say we do something wrong I say we do something wrong we are desperate to go to that person and get them to forgive us which is wonderful to ask for forgiveness but the point is what if they don't give it what have you they don't and that's very possible then we will feel broken heart and forever if we assume that someone forgiving me is what heals me then we will be brokenhearted and that's I like some of my friends in prison for example you've killed people they can't get forgiveness the person's dead so naturally because we feel I haven't been forgiven therefore I'm a broken person I'm I'll just die you know but no the Buddhist approaches is we can do the healing internally I said from this is the point of view now if we do something wrong not if we've done something some has been done to us we needs this is why the purification practice is so powerful so internally powerful is a healing process and this is now we are the naughty ones and we have done something to help somebody I've cheated on time done for example by bad-mouthed on for example so what this is why we can misuse forgiveness so let's say I'm always bad-mouthing dong you know shouting out my mouth and a museum at breakfast and I go to work I'm driving to work and I feel all guilty and I can't wait to get on the phone I'm done I'm so sorry darling and I'm frantic so what's happening is this I am sorry and I do have compassion but what's really happening is I'm freaking out my egos freaking out because I've failed yet again and I've been so mean to Don and I'm terrified he might stop loving me so I beg him to forgive me and then I hear him say so out remain I'll still love you and I go kind of ego goes fewer muscle look again but that's not enough and if he can keep forgiving me it's not enough I'm misusing Don to make me feel better that's really wicked he if he's really my friend he say Raveena I do love you but I can't keep forgiving you you've got to do something about it so in other words forgiveness is not enough and this is an interesting point because this is based on our Christian teachings that's why we have such a big thing about it in our culture here my point please by definition a sin is doing what God said not to do so what purifies me is God's forgiveness so you must ask for forgiveness and he will do it and that literally is what purifies you that's a very powerful point not the Buddhist approach but of what forgive you he's a really nice guy but for the Buddha because it's all natural law you see the Buddhist point for approach is whatever I do sow seeds in my mind so if I've been abusing you I mean shouting out dot every day and I'm hurting Donna it's clear I am but guess what I'm hurting myself and that's the part we have to first recognize but self-loathing thinking of nothing guilty angry jealous resentful harming others even all of those habits in our mind harm us this is the fundamental point in Buddhism a negative action is shouting at dawn because it harms dawn but why Buddha it's the first level of practice exalts us not to do it is not because it hurts dawn that's compassion but because it hurts me and this is hard - this is hard to hear so I might get that then I know I've got to do some healing and that means I've got to acknowledge I did it and recognizing myself and my own practices the purification practice at the end of the day regret I regret I've got to talk to myself you know Robina I'm sick of this habit I know I can't stand this habit I'm fed up with this anger I'm fed up with this habit I'm sick of it it's twisting me and knots not to mention the camera I'm creating you've got to know that you are suffering that you are sick of the suffering first before compassion but on it's like compassion for yourself first that's why have you been abused like a woman who's talking you know you've got to talk about yourself first you've got to heal your own mind for us to get your parents forget your father it'll come later so the first step is I've got a recognised look at the harm I'm doing to myself by bad-mouthing dong look at my own anger look at the bad-mouthing look at the twisted the guilt and the rubbish that's hurting me forget about the long term chronic results I've got to own that as causing me suffering that's the meaning of regret not oh I shouldn't have done it but I regret the fact that I've done it coz I'm sick of this suffering I'm fed up with the suffering you're talking to yourself that's what regret is I regret having done that because I am sick of the suffering the next step you then have compassion for done you then think I'm going to regret for his sake compassion to the other comes second it's got to be for ourselves first I cannot stress that enough so powerful miss that one and what doesn't me miss that completely we all rush off to compassion for others you can't do it it's not possible it's just not possible compassion not enough His Holiness says meaning well is not enough as long as services you've got everyone and the wisdom wing is his first wonder pronunciation and understanding suffering and that I am having myself there's lots of good Buddha's liking a good analogy for a doctor if I if I go to my doctor and she says done smoke why not I'll say because you might get cancer and she'll show me these disgusting movies at people with cancerous lungs I won't say to her who do you think you are you gonna punish me with cancer how dare you we don't say that and then walk out the door no we know we are thanking her for her kindness to explain to me based on her own findings that I am harming myself we're being a darling I recommend you stop doing this to look at the consequences to yourself so in other words about harming yourself that's Buddha's point there's no question you're having ourselves so the method is to stop to stop harming yourself stop smoking not you know not all doctor please forgive me so I don't get cancer that's ridiculous of course not of course you'll forgive you it's not gonna heal the damn cancer you're stopping smoking or heal your cancer the action on your side that's the point you could act other words equally you don't go home and the doctors not there oh my doctors not there so outcome the Marlboros I won't get cancer she doesn't see me do it that's the way we are we're very childish we kind of want to think we got away with it cuz no one sees us do it because we have this playing guilt punishment reward model which is really ridiculous for the poor this is a natural law of what it says whatever we do whatever we do think and say produces our own so we're producing ourselves moment by moment my rubbish negative actions harm me look at my guilt and self-loathing if it destroys us my compassion helped me so socially have to recognize the result yourself then your compassion baton zing you purified and then you say I will not do it again or I won't do it for 24 hours you make it change so it's nice for Don to forgive me that just gets me off the hook as being lazy it's using it for my own ego TV's really my friend Robina of course I forgive you but that's not enough you have got to make some changes that's the action that's the action that's the action that's the action guilt is just so pity guilt is just I'm not being horrible about it we all have it but guilt is no responsibility whatsoever and it's always trying to find whether it's always like it's not but it's also also not my salt has always done that on the one hand it's guilt not my all my fault when the same time kind of feeling it's not my fault so gay goes always trying to get off the hook you know I've got to be owning owning the pain owning the stuff we do owning it and see I am a sick of suffering I'm fed up with depression I'm fed up with guilt I'm fed up with self-loathing it's breaking my heart it's self abuse you know it's too shocking for words what do you think any questions people sweethearts are we communicating any more questions Arjun hello darling I see your name there happy to see you Charmaine any questions Brian in Los Angeles hello Brian Catherine Karen do you have a question yes it's a personal question you don't have to answer but you always talk a lot about coming with some anger right so what is the self-talk that you use or developed in your practice when you get angry how do you process that or how do you recommend some okay well first of all the best thing is to don't don't wait til you get angry it's best to do the analysis beforehand and you get to see the mild versions of anger before you could explode into them because often our part of our problem is that were so addicted to our bodies and to the physical world outside us we only notice we're angry when we're shaking do you understand what I'm saying here so we've got to learn to pay attention this is what a skill to what's going on in our mind when it feels very relaxed but I see all the thousands of thoughts in there the habits the conceptual stories that are programmed in our mind so the thought of anger just explained what would be what is put anger as a thought what's it saying what's it saying something goes wrong someone is something happens and then you get angry what's the what are the words it would come out your mouth because that's what lets the thought whatever comes out your mouth is the expression of the thought so what's the thought of anger what's it saying I'm disappointed or somebody didn't do what I wanted or you're gonna be you go there but no that's that's a theory you're saying how dare they do that Angus how dare they do that it is not fair why did you do that I expected this I only got that I ordered chocolate cake how did is that not anger whatever those thoughts you wrote if you read words on a piece of paper you wouldn't have to hear the shouting to know the person angry would you you get my point now so that's my so anger we're so used to thinking of it as a physical emotion and words coming out the mouth but it's it's simply what else is I hate you you are evil you are the cause of all my suffering how dare you do that to me they're very naked if there's no shouting and there's no body you see those words and you go oh that person's angry that's what anger is now the point is this this is where it gets really tricky darling I might have just punched you in the nose it might be true that I did a bad thing to you this is the point I might have done a bad thing so then we tend to think well it's natural to be angry but and it is but the Buddha's still saying there's a component in anger that is a truth there I do say you punched me but angers more than that anger then says how dare you punch me who do you think you are that we gotta start analyzing with those sorts of come from now if we want to be very kind of bit more subtle about it the idea how dare you do that to me that's a very powerful feeling of anguish like shock how dare you do that to me I don't deserve it would you agree that's anger one way anger experience expresses itself the guise of you on the freeway how dare you do that right and was really saying I don't deserve this I did nothing gonna serve it I'm driving along good girl and how dare you jump in front of me let's analyze that assumption I don't know and let's analyze how dare you do that to me your personal life no more than that let's look at what's beneath it so in this in this understanding of the simple experience of attachment and anger they actually got a hierarchical relationship so anger is the view how dare you do that to me I don't deserve it it was the feeling of this the eye rises up doesn't it how dare you do now what is that assumption about that's coming from the assumption of attachment which is beneath it which is saying I only ever deserve good things and is a junkie that only wants everything to be perfect which means everything that I want and then when you can see any people are really selfish who've got lots of attachment forget yourself but observe people who are really selfish everything that goes wrong they're so shocked because there's a sense of entitlement let's attach attachment is a sense of entitlement and it's an absolute belief it's a strong conceptual story but I only deserve good things and that is rooted in the root sense of concrete self in the first place so we're gonna question these assumptions so of course the real point is we say I don't deserve it what we really mean is I don't like it that's more realistic but that's expensive oh yeah you do that to me that's the voice you've gotta start looking at that's the assumptions we've got to start questioning do you understand or not I can hear you sounds gone I'm off no the question that I always dwell with is and when you've said it's like you punched me like the questions like where let me get out of the noise where because a lot of there's a prayer that we do that it says the person doing the noise is really I can't your broken voice is breaking I'm so sorry okay is it better now I hope so going to okay so it's this what I always get confused is you know you know like everybody's my mother and my father I give up things them and I let them have to with what we're doing if they're in me right but you're just doing is you're now talking high advanced university level practice well yeah basic fundamental standpoint practice so when we are so advanced and we're so together and we've so practice controlling anger and attachment and we're really got renunciation we can have the luxury to go to the next level and suck up your souls for others that's a high level of practice and I'm not there yet no but nothing wrong we can try it we gotta know where these different techniques come from they're not just a big super being a nice person they're quite they're quite organized and incremental so the very first level I mean the very first level to practice honey the very first level is junior school don't respond zip your lip and keep your hand to yourself at least don't create more trouble that's already a huge practice I mean we vomit out our mouth we can't control our mouths that's the first level of practice at least don't do more harm by abusing the person in return get the hell out of their way if you can but at least control your body in speech which demands a lot of mental discipline then we have the luxury to go to the next level and start to understand the mind and get some concentration and begin to really hear these thousands of stories they're raging on underneath all the time sweetheart but we don't notice until they're loud we don't know something fun until you're shouting it's too late to look at it then so then every team throughout the day think of your ordinary day it with a little commitment and aversion as this kind of very intimate relationship the assumption every second about day from the second we wake up in the morning until the second we go to sleep they're deep the assumption in there is the cut is called attachment and that assumption is I only want the nice things I can't bear an attachment is a junkie so that means you only want the nice feeling when you get out of bed you want the knock the water to be hot you want the coffee to be tasty you want the noises to be pleasant you want the boyfriend to behave nicely every second but kind of very fragile and we know the millisecond something wrong happens but the coffee's not quite the right taste the shower the water's cold look what happens we get annoyed irritated upset frustrated don't we but we don't look at those levels we just think this is normal behavior we only wait till a brutal thing happens when we're screaming and yelling it's too late sweetheart we can see the workings throughout an ordinary day of wanting attached attachment is a junkie that demands something be a certain way wanting you order to be hot is reasonable you pay your water bills you deserve on water but attachment is an added one that gets annoyed when you don't get what you want if you haven't got much attachment and much aversion you still have good more you have lousy hot water but you'll be able to ride the waves of it but throughout a normal day we're going from attachment to aversion a thousand times a day darling but we don't pay attention because it's mild are you hearing me let's attach an aversion but they're small then my older version anger is annoyed you're annoyed at something you're upset you're frustrated you're irritated there are polite words for mild levels of anger so we've got to start paying attention throughout the day of the baby things and so what's the solution well except a bloody hot water and accept the cold coffee oh it's okay I can handle this or simply get your hot coffee and not make a fuss about it that's practice every day you hear your stories and you counteract them and you adjust yourself and you keep riding the wave of it instead of having a panic attack forty times a day no wonder we're exhausted by the end of the day that's the press that's the playing out of attachment and aversion attachment and aversion all day we don't look at that level are you hearing me yes and the level at every moment then you're equipped to deal with a stroke the heavy things right so when and then if you're in a situation where you need to set a boundary right somebody's abusing you what how do you worry you are working on your mind and know what is going on and you've dealt with the ordinary daily life of the coffee being wrong and the noise being wrong and the car not working and the red lights and the unhappy coffee if you're working you're practising darling you're practising at that level when you're practicing accepting the problems you're practicing not getting upset you're practising dealing with it then when it comes to the heavier ones you you won't have an issue with boundaries you've already practiced a smaller level so you're more able to be aware of what's going on in your own mind and you won't be able to be abused when you're working actus it's becoming conscious about what is going on in your mind moment by moment and then not just conscious of it within doings arguing with the crazy ridiculous misconceptions arguing with a little baby attachment there that only wants nice things arguing was a ridiculous anger that gets annoyed and upset their concepts we toss their concepts for this oh we're so familiar with we don't think we can change them their concepts you can change concepts you can reinterpret and call the coffee good you can reinterpret the red light and call it good that's a baby example then you get to the heavy levels you become more aware more conscious and you become more self respectful and then you don't get you won't be barging into people's barriers or having people bump into yours you grow up we've got to start small first are you hearing me yes and I promise the practice there you go and you have a beneficiary no one else don't worry about it good thank you so much who else have a question yes sweetheart well first I have to say you're on fire tonight my question is actually a follow-up from the other night from Nvidia and Vidya asked gave the example of boyfriend bringing flowers and it's expectations and you made a comment something about expectation and attachment and someone who is like I label myself like type a and I you know I take these personality tests and I am this type of person that I have these expectations and I go to work and I have these expectations and I have my friends that I have my family and I have sometimes there's a man in my life sometimes there's not but and they leak don't we have to have some expectations see this is the tricky part that is that is quite unique to the Buddhist approach to the mind which we don't think of in our in our way of seeing the mind it's a it's more nuanced than either you have expectations or you don't it's in other words of you and I are just friends and we've agreed to meet for dinner at 6 o'clock on Tuesdays and every time I get late I'm there 10 power 6 + 5 + 6 + 20 + 6 I'm so sorry the traffic was bad I'm so sorry it's not my song always never so its first of all this is a point in our reasonable life ordinary conventional reality absolutely depends upon everybody agreeing on what the time is and what to do otherwise what the world would collapse are you hearing my point it is appropriate to if you've got five dollars you want five dollars worth of food you don't want $10 I'll put them in mine but two dollars so everything is breaking housing the reality of things and agreeing upon everything's agreement we agree on six now you've got to this is the point now and this is the point now regular expectation that if you have a relationship you're not going to abuse each other you're going to be doing this new doing that right expectations at work that you give a person a certain job that they're going to do the job this is reasonable and intelligent way to live your life so you don't throw the baby out with the bathwater and then said oh I don't have to have any expectation you'll go mad so where's the wrong expectations that's the function of attachment darling so you think of it there's India there's your intelligence and your goodness and your kindness and your and and all the good parts of you working beautifully which makes you happy life there's the other stuff that pollutes it and the attachment is this one inside you that is holding on the lip you know you you you you get angry when I turn up at six a twenty five past six and you and you and your and you get frustrated with me and you get annoyed and angry with things that's anger and that's because you have this neurotic grasping at getting what you wanted that's on top of the reasonable expectation that I'd be there at six so that means you've got a decision to make Robina is ridiculous you still love her so you either accept and I'll turn up late or you check you say bye Romina I'm out of here so that's where we you know it was reasonable ordinary life is necessary to have six o'clock means six o'clock and two dollars is two dollars that's reality but on top of that we have this neurotic I based expectation kind of hubris I'm gonna get what I want and that's the control three control freak is attachment expectation is attachment possessiveness is attachment as you know Jonas end this so we're going to recognize the difference between the valid reasonable stakes of mine and the rubbish that pollutes it and that's all the eye base fear-based nonsense stuff and that's what causes our suffering and that's what causes us to her mother's so it's quite a tricky job is quite nuanced to see the difference are we communicating yes ma'am thinking that's all I have good plenty of awareness of our own thoughts baby and there's a thousand of them a second so we've got plenty of work to do don't send this is it we're all the same I'm a little maid you know we're all cut from the same cloth and just different recipes this or different amounts of these different things that's all yeah then you'll be very effective you can be an HR I'm an HR look at me you know but you can be an a-type and still get things done and demand and tell the printer I want it at that time and you can still you learn to do it without losing the plot you can learn it without investing your own neurosis in it that's the job to be done no good you don't check the baby out of the bath or to become as we people 30 person which is how we tend to interpret goodness that's ridiculous it's wrong to think that way down llama is the most powerful kind of control freak if you like I mean these renowned to be famous for being loud and strong and volatile and powerful I mean this is a top Buddhist you know but he's not this mousy wimpy person I remember being a when I was with him for a while doing a certain thing years ago in Europe and he was all good he was all good he knows what his variant is very clever and everything so he knows all about press conferences so he runs the press conference in walks in and within five minutes everyone's doing what he wants is complete control freak but he's wonderful it's not an ego at all it's good at things so we can have our own personalities and be good at things don't lose that baby but do it was interdependence with humility and patience and and wish to benefit others and then you'll be very powerful do you understand I'm good you look like you do well done what else people 10:00 to 10:00 to 8:00 time to go home soon 10:00 to 9:00 hang your britches on the line what else people other questions maybe Chris is in the in the little text there Mary nothing darling huh no questions no questions okay well I mean what starts all that Don have I left anything out I might asked you to talk a little bit about the use of fear on the path as something that motivates you to do something it's a more positive way I mean what we're talking here by definition is a neurotic ridiculous I based panic-stricken ridiculous fear that makes a mess of everything but we can see perfectly well was intelligent fear I mean you know you're driving on the car on the freeway believe me fear of beginning smashed to smithereens is intelligent fear so you've got a bloody will behavior you know but abide by the rules I mean that's only because you just a simple ordinary level of reality you know so I mean this is weird but that's a very typical I mean it's very Tibetan isn't it done very Tibetan you know they ski if I'm like oh Tibetans about 10th century Hellfire and brimstone somehow somebody is the way they talk you know so they use they say we're going to be afraid of the act of the consequences of the actions we do because we really I have been saying that already but I don't use the word fear so when you go to and this is why the doctor is such a good analogy this is such a good analogy when you go to the doctor and she tells you you've got the tendency to get diabetes you're gonna be scared out of your wits you do not want suffering this is the perfect analogy and what I find fascinating nobody criticizes you for having that fear they call it intelligence don't they but as soon as you become a Buddhist or religious and you become afraid of karmic consequences of negative actions because we're so addicted to the dualistic view of punishment and reward like someone's up there is going to punish you then we get all scaredy baby and then we get all resentful and neurotic like someone's going to punish us then we think fear is terrible and that's how we've been all our lives women we've been sort of all our lives and this is not a lot to do with this attachment to be approved of since we're born with craving approval so then and why because we don't want mummy to punish us so that's why I want to be a good girl I want mommy this I'm a nice girl that's the very dualistic video back we have a punishment and reward and we bring that view into Buddhism and then because you know Buddha says everything you do that's negative will ripen as your future suffering then if you have the same so we get guilty oh I'm not gonna be punished who do you think you aren't telling me what to do we're childish but it's the lack the doctor you would have helped you were to get you trim have the doctor my god done I mean so I got diabetes I can't believe it I'm pretty shocked I don't want diabetes no one would criticize you as being stupid they because you intelligence it's the same with karma but we really find that hard because we don't have any sense but everything I think and do and say produces the person I become everyday I'm producing the person I become just in the same way everything you each produces the body that you have we get it when it comes to the body we do not get it when it comes to our mind because we have this ego grasping demented so piteous view of blame shame guilt punishment reward and don't blame your classic mother or your Jewish mother for that we make that up so we've got to grow up you know then the healthy fear my god I don't want suffering I don't want to get killed I don't lie I don't need like you know what I want that's something I don't want cancer same logic that's fear and it's intelligent fear what I do toddlers is only three minutes is he I say things to first we're going to find more things to say we can finish early it doesn't matter what is something to say if you ask me a question I'm happy to answer got more good karma and course yeah and in being an American and going to therapy and you know you say over and over and over again you know you can't blame mommy and daddy and it's right if it's something that you said that I'm like you say okay so we blame mommy and daddy and then we just move on but we don't it we blame mommy and daddy then we go to our therapist and we talk to her therapist any karma is almost you blame karma and you move on you it's alright it's not us it's not like that Ali of course it's not okay leti of karma he's gone where's Ellie your man is taken over oh yeah hey man is there can you turn your thing off you know what I saw oh good he always has good questions to the point that we find very hard to get did you hear what I said about food you would not steal if your doctor tells you you might get diabetes you know that she's being kind to you isn't she she's basically telling you you got to pull yourself together Ellie and you've got to start discipline your eating habits why cuz you're gonna suffer if you don't when you hear that you don't feel she's insulting you she don't think she's offending you you are happy for her advice aren't you little okay so the Buddha's saying the same about our mind Ellie but we create our own happiness and we create our own suffering so of course Buddha's talking about coming into this life from the past and we are now experiencing the fruits of our past in just the same way that the diabetes of today is the fruit of what you do 20 years ago and the suffering we have today is the fruit of what we did twenty seven lines ago it's just as extensive version of important effect so that's the first thing - even my Casa size I mean of course it's abstract for us when we think that your mother made you then on the other hand just like we're talking to the woman before mommies and daddies do harm us and it's not appropriate you've got to first establish that you've got to first establish your mother and father harmed you and it's not appropriate harming anybody is not right so then depending on how we respond to that whether we hide it like the other woman and suffocate it and feel overwhelmed and turn it against ourselves that's brutal to ourselves so we've got to really learn to heal ourselves with kindness and understand how so before we get into Karma comments to get on karma forget trauma then but when we have an understanding of who I am and why I am and that every millisecond and all the happiness I've got Ellie every millisecond of anything good in your lives you've must have had quite a few things good in your life you agree you got people beloved friends people love you they support you what a job you got things the other house you you have you know you're so many things you have so many good things you know what we take those for granted but the Buddha would say if you realize how much virtue how much generosity how much morality how much ethics how much kindness but you must have practiced in order to have even access to a grain of rice we would be blissed-out with joy at our past hard work so when we can own the fact that all our goodness and happiness and joy is the fruit of our hard work but we never think we never asked the question why the good things happen so this is a most powerful concept that all the happiness we have is the fruit of our past actions then it is easy to own why bad things happen then then it's not complicated so it's a process you got to go through step by step and incorporate they don't think about the logic of it then slowly it brings the experiential result you know and it's owning the fact that weaving literally create ourselves bonuses and of course it's more intense than that there's more detail to it but it's really quite a bit it's about a powerful concept I mean you know we were just so it's not punishment it's got nothing to do with punishment it's got nothing to do with reward it's it's a process and we are the boss of that process that's the bigger picture and when we can begin to see that and everything wouldn't ever happen the main cause of it is my past version everything something that I've experienced is it is the copy as a result of the opposite and when we get other words that's why the guard and the good analogy everything in your garden spacing put everything in your garden flowers and veggies in herds you know you know that's your garden and that means whatever is in it you put it there you might like the weeds but you don't say who put ways in my garden I'm an innocent victim it's your garden baby so our life is our garden so whatever happens in your life every persons is trying to you everything that good happens the bank gives you credit a person smiles at you you got good health none of this is accidental none of this is random it's the fruit of your virtue you produced yourself if we begin to get that it's mind boggling will be blissed-out so then of course what's the learning from it you better keep growing more veggies you love the veggies you love the herbs you know what the bloody weeds so you stop growing more weeds we're just sick of suffering and you grow flowers because you want happiness it's that's the kind of concept but it takes time because it's not how we think in our culture of course it isn't and then of course your parents at home there's all people harm us it's the universe because they do so you got to recognize that and you're gonna recognize it is wrong than this but then when you have the bigger picture about karma and it's more extensive you're able to bear them if you're gonna go one step at a time you know one step at a time he'll heal first then we can begin to look into them you know there's many things there thank you so much for that perspective I've actually been contemplating precious human life a lot recently especially might have might have lycopene healing so incredibly like yes grateful and like get drunk like because I live in Montana and like we don't have a lot of in it yeah but we don't think of it and that's not and that's and I was coming is personal that's the fruit of your lawn killing coming your non-harming karma that you are fortunate to be in a good environment in a good situation where you're not being harmed and rejoice in that but then learning from it is when you look at your veggies in your garden you don't just go oh I'm lucky and and eat the veggies you go I'd better grow more baby what's the cause of this virtue keep trappers emote you keep practicing generosity keep not killing the key is about the law of cause and effect you get the learning from it I better keep doing more of it you understand yes thank you and then you can have compassion others don't and who it's anyone that's enough if someone else had a question there was another person Jackie let's lots of love are you good she absolutely lots of love and peace all of you all of you yes lots of love and peace good enough so we're seeing a baby little baby prayer together come on don't let's do the two little dedication prayers and remember every thought counts so this is just you can sit there and just and listen if you like or you can just sit there and read these words and try and internalize the meaning of these words if you like them if you don't like them you don't actually no one's forcing you um I can't see that my pictures are in the way I can't see the words anyway gone you do them maybe short term it as you wish myself okay English okay due to the merits of these virtuous actions may I quickly attain the state of a group Buddha and lead all living beings without exception into that enlightened state may the supreme bodhichitta is not a result arise and grow and may that which has arisen not diminish but increase there we go thank you people I'm seeing all of you there thank you oh really daddy what happened because there's no name there so it's fine but my mother and I are attending this session and have a question my mother has been attending a domestic-violence training in order to support some people about sex you know domestic violence and during one of her online sessions she was triggered and suddenly had flashbacks for the first time since she was 14 years old and when her father sexually abused her she shared it with me in details while being crippled in pain and has not been the same since then it's an open wound she feels unworthy of love and is full of self-loathing she's also resentful and hurt by her parents okay so and then what are some of the tools and how can she work towards reconciliation well excuse me I want to forget all about reconciliation here there's a way we've got to first deal with ourselves this you know this nice analogy of wisdom and compassion we if you're all injured and beaten up by somebody there's no discussion about reconciling so she's got to sort out your own this we've got to slow down our own time so this is one of the most common things isn't it you know when we're is usually sexual abuse I mean if a father just beats us up we're not going to suppress it I don't think but somehow because of all the drama in a culture about sexual attachment you know so deep in our bones karmically so powerful the one of the communist ISM but one of the communist responses and this sweeter woman new sweetheart if you're here the communist response is because it's so unbearable but it's so shocking and we just known morally it's wrong there's damn father you know so I'm starting to read about men it's all men you do it I mean three and half women abuse their children sexually they might beat them up there's this whole kind of thing about sex is so heavy in our minds and there we are children and your father abuses your sex letters actually outrageous it's just on the simple level of others harming others it's a shocking action so darling go you've got to start dealing with your pain you've been suppressing all these years and these things this is what is so fascinating like I said before the Buddhist approach is nothing goes astray everything gets stored in our memory nothing goes astray and this is what the point is it's gonna come up one way or another this is why if we can be brave enough there's just a little point here but it's too late now but I'm talking this is probably what our practice becomes when we start to being brave not to suppress but to learn to greet the problem to look at it to see it we know the longer it stays away this is exactly the point you give a Center full of pain but the part that I find fascinating why do women feel guilty and self-loathing and not worthy of love you did nothing wrong you did nothing wrong a man your father you should have a better sense of responsibility how to teach his daughter abuses you sweetheart this is the first thing to get over this is the first thing to see this is so tragic that we feel I mean boys or girls Saints who are abused and all the stories of the priests you know these people in power parents are in power priests are in power and they abused their trust and abuse little little girls little boys it's shocking it's terrible so we from outside as the victim have to learn to get to London so so in a way darling can be brave enough but it's so good it's come up it's so good but you need to find good pup people to support you forget about reconciliation for now damn that you know that'll come when you're ready sweetheart and if your family have abusing your mother as well you know and that's often what happens with mummy and daddies and mommies colluding with the daddies because the mummies are afraid of losing the daddies I mean there are so many variations of this story I mean you know like one person I knew had been abused by her uncle the beloved brother of his her own mother and the soon when she told the mother the mother was devastated she couldn't didn't want to believe it so she ended up supporting the brother this happens got all these family ties are so intense and in relations with mothers and husbands and wives it's so complicated because people's attachments you know and fear of losing and unable to be courageous so sweet out your main thing your main thing darling is find good support find good people to help you find people do too you can trust and love them whom you can weep your heart you can open your heart to so you can heal yourself and you got to give up self-loathing you have no reason to have self-loathing you've done nothing wrong you are totally worthy of love you've done nothing wrong you know this is my first piece of advice mostly that sweetheart so glittered got your darling daughter and can support you to focus on your own pain forget your father put him right out of your mind forget your mother forget your father and do not discuss it with them they might not be able to handle it you've got to find peace in your own mind so find good people to support you so you can heal your own heart darling and then slowly when you come to terms it you confront it you see it you'll go past it you will heal it I promise then you can look at your parents freshly and decide what you want to do but don't get them involved that'll just be a nightmare it'll be a a can of worms it'll be a hell on earth don't even have it's got nothing to do with them this is your own stuff you get good people to support you have your daughter support you other people to support you leave the family out of it I can't earn it I can't stress that enough that's my opinion doing alright that's helpful to you that's for any one of us see just for the information just out of interest it's also a question where you're at you know I mean some people have had that happen and they've dealt with it and they've gone past and so now there's no longer an issue it's all a question of how much we've put it away in your case you suffocated it and now it's coming up so you know and this is where the learning is what the what is approaches once we can learn from this learn from our past pain and then when we are more brain we can begin to work on our minds and all the little baby things go wrong the heavy-duty abuses don't wait for those little baby things go wrong you sisters mean to you the thing doesn't happen when you want it you drop the cup when you're watching the dishes little baby events that seem like nothing if we can only of confront those and not suppress them and work with it and then we can move on from it and we can stay stable that's what we're capable of I tell you and you'll hear amazing stories of people who really deal with terrible abuse and I've learned to find the way to grow from it we are all capable of that when we're ready you know that's gonna start with healing ourselves can get the parents dude have nothing to do with them it's too complicated so I hope that's helpful sweetheart anybody else have any questions no nothing okay any more questions Mary in the texts in the notes very nothing in the chicks nothing in the chat no no okay okay so all right let's just keep talking in this direction now I mean this is where because the whole everyone is sitting in this room together every single one of us you know on these pages every single one of us have variations of our own story of being hurt by others join the universe here you know strangers mummy's daddies bosses sisters uncle's auntie's we all have been harmed by sentient beings and this is this is the part of the very process of what so-called practice is so it's all a person what level we're at with it you know the very first level we have to recognize where we're at the pain and the heard of the grief the anger the resentment own it don't pretend don't think oh I shouldn't have this and pretend it's all gone away but I live for what it is you know then it depends on our views if we're full-fledged Buddhists and we have the view of karma that's another whole kettle of fish and that can be very profound in helping us understand and answer the question why did this happen this is very huge that's not a question in our mind where we're at you know some people don't like the view of karma said it will love the view of karma and all the questions where we're at and what tools we handle some people I know when they hit like some of my friends in prison you know they they just as soon as they hear about the explanation of karma they it's huge it's helpful to them why they killed somebody why there was this why that why I got abused it's very powerful but each of us is in different places and I don't know the person who just told thin I asked the question I've got no idea where they're at with all that but that's of course it's part that's one of the major Buddhist tools and it can be a hugely powerful healing and all the question where we're at you know and this is what we have to understand this sounds kind of bit blue so I'm trying to be too technical here and like we've been talking about the mind and this does sound a bit shocking when you've been abused by somebody or you've been harmed as bad even mild level and lloyd's annoying things happen little things happen because basically using we understand we understand attachment and anger these two seemingly simple states of mind which are fundamental in the workings of everybody's life for the mother and this model of the mind refers to animals as well as you it's a really fun ism is a basic model the attachment in us is this deep instinctive yearning hunger and a neurotic hunger coming from a sense of being separate and lonely and bereft and unwhole that's was this huge hunger that has convinced something out there must be something out there sucks and when I get it it'll fill up the gaping hole that's really obvious looking at me I was food look at me I was alcohol look at how we are in relationships we walk around feeling like a lonely and lonely Hungry Ghost feeling I'm nothing and nobody because no one loves me this is all a function of this attachment and this attachment this emotional hunger the sense of being less attachment is dissatisfaction that means I'm not whole this is a really simple way to put it we walk around like half people thinking I'm nothing and then that people are kind to us we suddenly think I must be something and so we're happy but then suddenly someone abuses us and this is the tragedy like you just said before this person when someone abuses us it makes us feel even more like I am I'm lonesome I am nothing I'm not worthy of love this is shocking response but this is the irony of ego because in other words attachment is the symptom of like this sad bereft lonely person this is what Buddha says we all join the universe here it's not unique to any one person this is the suffering that Buddha describes the human condition based on the sense of a separate self and as Lama Yeshe says in Mahamudra the sense of a separate eye creates other you know so there's a lonely bereft said separate settings don't concrete me who in our nature feels like I'm nothing that of course we hunger after something and the deepest attachment we have more than sex drugs and rock and roll is to be seen and approved of some only wind and that's a huge hunger illness and that really is is really it's like we really believe I am nothing unless someone says I'm something that's how deep is attachment is zest suffering of human and all humans you then so because we're already feeling fragile and then daddy comes along and refuses us so of course we're gonna think if someone beats you up they're telling you that you're horrible isn't it that's what they do if we feel already we're nothing which is the irony of attachment we already feel we are nothing and mummys is sweet to us we go oh I must be okay but then daddy abuses us we must obviously assume I must not be okay and we believe that story well it's not true it's not true the fact that some maniac your father who's got anger he's got his own suffering problems obviously he can't control himself and his own abusive behavior because he has got his anger and we identify ourself as bad because he hurts us that's his problem honey not ours this is so important for us to understand it but we are whatever someone does to us if they're sweet to us we think I must be a nice person if they mean to us I think I must be an ugly person this isn't the suffering of our lives this is the symptom of attachment and aversion but they're not true that woman that beloved woman who founded remembers of something her father you are already already fantastic all your good qualities are right there whether someone who loves you or doesn't love you is not relevant this is very shocking for us to hear that's why we have bad relationships there's two half people we say there's my other half it's a terrible statement but that's why have you Co you walking around like a half a person and the assumption of attachment and that's the disease is I'm nothing I've got to find somebody to make me whole that doesn't mean you won't have a beautiful relationship this is not arguing with relationships nobody got a good relationship and there's love and compassion you'll be very happy but it was mainly attachment in the assumption that when I get that boy when I get dawn now I'm what now I'm happy then this attaches like a vampire and it will demand the dawn do everything perfect to make me happy and then how dare he are me this has got these have quite brutal these assumptions that deep in our bones but this is how we suffer so there you are this girl lovely human being this you know the person we're talking about no daddy abuses her and then she assumes she is an unworthy of love and she's suppressive it was so horrible but no the second your father's got anger the fact that your father can't control him so the fact that your father abused you has got zero to do with who you are darling this is what we have to learn this is a powerful point that we are so addicted to being seen as a good girl or a bad not being seen as a bad girl we depend we rely upon everybody in the outside world to feed back to us oh you're a nice person Raveena so we feel better it's too fragile we are already fine we're gonna find our own selves up alone are the idiots you don't have people like you and me so don't you know you're watching your needy and delusion and I'm the Rotter getting lenient delusion and I beg him to like me and he begs me to like me I went demented propping each other from this ridiculous relationship we are ridiculous are we communicating this is attachment and aversion nothing fancy our brothers join the universe so attachment this deep emotional hunger that says that I'm nothing that says that's what dissatisfaction is that's what sort of loathing is as far as our main disease in the in our console we call it self hate we call it self-loathing it's dissatisfaction that means our nothing and I don't have enough and I haven't got enough and no matter how much Don tells me it's never enough and haven't got enough money my when it's like the default I'm nothing that's dissatisfaction and that's the emotional consequence of practicing attachment in the past that's our worst disease it's heartbreaking so we have to learn to find he I mean at least charm is real in the ways to heal ourselves to become who we already are then you'll have a worthy relationship with somebody and then sweetiepie the one we're talking to him then when you are healed you'll be able to see your father separately when you're ready and you look this sad unhappy human being who's full of delusions and ridiculous and you'll you might have some space one day to leave you have compassion but don't go there yet have compassion for yourself first we all have to do this that bees got a dig deep inside and owned what's there and bring it up and have all yep needs safe conditions you know Buddha says be your own therapist well we can't do that then get good people to help you we need good friends who we can love and support us who can hook them whom we can trust with our heart who can help us hear our own heart so we can grow ourselves we need that in that culture a little brokenhearted you one step at a time sweetheart so the part that's hard see this about this I find fascinating you know for the person for the woman who's buried this suffering her father abuses her she did nothing wrong but she's turned against herself this is very fascinating what admit this is a very common thing in our culture and that's called self-hating guilt the communist one with sexual abuse is guilt it's when you analyze it it's really really really fascinating someone beats you up and you get guilty I mean excuse me but we do it it's very fascinating we do it it's fascinating and it's a brutal it's a it's a it's like brutality to ourselves guilt you know you're just so finger guilty' sulfate I did you know even if we did nothing wrong and usually the sex abuse you did nothing wrong we said we'd love to have I don't know why we do this so bizarre love to hate ourselves like to blame ourselves that's the communist one even was right I think even when you're an adult women always think they must have done something to deserve it you know it's very fascinating this so got a look at very clearly very brave you know and if we didn't do anything wrong and you didn't do anything wrong I'm gonna be guilty about it easy to say the words we'll go to know that set okay if you seduced your father you know if you purposely seduced your father not saying women a saint sauce in it I mean we thought you know peppers powerful energy between human beings doesn't you know cuz I mean we can be naughty at any age because God deluded states of mind if we did something wrong that we own it but if you didn't do anything wrong then you have nothing to own so fur the first point is to recognize that guilt is just this terrible self hate is so irrational is so wrong and so mistaken we're gonna learn to not just it can just rip it out overnight but to analyze and it's got no logic to it if you did do something wrong then it's good to own it but even this is where we embellish when we do do things wrong we need to own it but we exaggerate it let's watch all these delusions do this what you're doing now and you did nothing wrong you you paid you're taking this whatever actually that happened you you you've you know you've set it back to yourself you were seeing the action of your father has said that you are a bad person it's very very bizarre but even though it's so common but there's not a fraction of logic to it there's a millimeter of logic to start at least a set and recognize that then hey let's now it's all come up for you now you can't put it away again darling you've got to find good people to help you who really are kind compassionate people who's who you trust who can use a sounding board to help you slowly heal this you know and whatever method you use you know that's up to you done you all have to do this we need people to help us therapists get them choose good people please a lot of rubbish out there choose good people I personally love and whom you know you trust learn to be labeled a therapist can be a good friend who's a really loving friend who really you can trust and you can put everything onto them and they won't be offended by it but we often put stuff on to anybody and then they turn it against us I'm gonna be very cautious when we speak to very cautious you know and the big powerful thing here to special minute types of families like this example we tend to think we've got to kind of tell the person what happened and let them know everything and then demand they apologize something and this is what I said this in cause even 20 times more problems and that's whether it's your ex-boyfriend whether it's your mother and your father who abused you it doesn't follow at all that the solution is to bring everybody into it it can just make it so much more complicated you know like I told you the example one girl is uncle abused him and it's the beloved brother her favorite brother her mother it was just beyond the suffering that was came as a result there's the complications because she she thought he had to tell the mother England there's no benefit this is no this is something we really got to understand we've got to deal with our problems in our own particular way with our people and at some point it might come out then it might be useful to say something to somebody else it might be useful to go to the person they might be ready to hear it and they might be able to forgive but don't rely upon that but kind of our problem in our culture we feel unless that person we won't think we want that person to apologize you know demand that they do that that is foolish it might never come and then one it won't come there's even more suffering you'll go completely crazy we've got to find methods to heal ourselves using good supports where there are Buddhist with you whatever it is you know then then you can just make right wise choices from there you know we talk a lot about forgiveness in our culture as if somehow we're not healed until someone forgives us but say we do something wrong or say we do something wrong we are desperate to go to that person and get them to forgive us which is wonderful to ask for forgiveness but the point is what if they don't give it what if you they don't and that's very possible then we will feel broken heart and forever if we assume that someone forgiving me is what heals me then we will be brokenhearted and that's like some of my friends in prison for example you've killed people they can't get forgiveness the person is dead so naturally because we feel I haven't been forgiven therefore I'm a broken person I'm I'll just die you know but no the Buddhist approaches is we can do the healing internally I said from this is the point of view now if we do something wrong not if we've done something some has been done to us we need this is why the purification practice is so powerful so internally powerful is a healing process and this is now we are the naughty ones and we have done something to help somebody I've cheated on Tom and Dawn for example by bad-mouthed on example so what this is where we can misuse forgiveness so let's say I'm always bad-mouthing dong you know shouting up my mouth and a museum at breakfast and I go to work I'm driving to work and I feel all guilty and I can't wait to get on the phone I'm done I'm so sorry darling and I'm frantic so what's happening is this I am sorry and I do have compassion but what's really happening is I'm freaking out my egos freaking out because I failed yet again and I've been so mean to Don and I'm terrified he might stop loving me so I beg him to forgive me and then I hear him say it's all right Raveena still love you and I go kind of ego goes fewer muscle look again but that's not enough and if he can keep forgiving me it's not enough I'm misusing dawn to make me feel better that's really wicked he if he's really my friend he would say Raveena I do love you but I can't keep forgiving you you've got to do something about it so in other words forgiveness is not enough and this interesting point because this is based on our Christian teachings that's why we have such a big thing about it in our culture here my point please by definition a sin is doing what God said not to do so what purifies me is God's forgiveness so you must ask for forgiveness and he will do it and that literally is what purifies you that's a very powerful point not the Buddhist approach but it would forgive you he's a really nice guy but for the Buddha because it's all natural law you see the Buddhist point four approaches whatever I do sow seeds in my mind so if I've been abusing you I mean shouting out dot every day and I'm hurting Don it's clear I am but guess what I'm hurting myself and that's the part we have to first recognize but self-loathing thinking of nothing guilty angry jealous resentful harming others even all of those habits in our mind harm us this is the fundamental point in Buddhism a negative action is shouting a Don because it harms dawn but why Buddha it's the first level of practice exalts us not to do it is not because it hurts Don that's compassion but because it hurts me and this is hard - this is hard to hear so I might get that then I know I've got to do some healing and that means I've got to acknowledge I did it and recognizing myself and my own practices the purification practice at the end of the day regret I regret I've got to talk to myself you know Raveena I'm sick of this habit I know I can't stand this habit I'm fed up with this anger I'm fed up with this habit I'm sick of it it's twisting me and knots not to mention the camera I'm creating you got to know that you are suffering that you are sick of the suffering first before compression baton it's like compassion for yourself first that's why have you been abused like a woman who's talking you know you've got to talk about yourself first you've got to heal your own mind first forget your parents forget your father it'll come later so the first step is I've got a recognised look at the harm I'm doing to myself by bad-mouthing Don look at my own anger look at the bad-mouthing look at the twisted the guilt and the rubbish that's hurting me forget about the long term chronic results I've got to own that as sighs causing me suffering that's the meaning of regret not oh I shouldn't have done it but I regret the fact that I've done it coz I'm sick of this suffering I'm fed up with the suffering you're talking to yourself that's what regret is I regret having done that because I am sick of the suffering the next step you then have compassion for done you then think I'm going to regret for his sake compassion to the other comes second it's got to be for ourselves first I cannot stress that enough so powerful miss that one but doesn't mean miss that completely we all rush off to compassion for others you can't do it it's not possible it's just not possible compassion not enough His Holiness says meaning well not enough as long as services you've got everyone and the wisdom wing is his first wonder pronunciation and understanding suffering and that I am having myself there's lots of good Buddha's liking a good analogy for a doctor if I if I go to my doctor and she says done smoke why not I'll say because you might get cancer and she'll show me these disgusting movies of people with cancerous lungs I once say to her who do you think you are you gonna punish me with cancer how dare you we don't say that and then walk out the door no we know we are thanking her for her kindness to explain to me based on her own findings that I am harming myself we're being a darling I recommend you stop doing this to look at the consequences to yourself so in other words about harming yourself that's Buddha's point there's no question you're having ourselves so the method is to stop to stop harming yourself stop smoking not you know not all doctor please forgive me so I don't get cancer that's ridiculous of course not of course you'll forgive you it's not gonna heal the damn cancer you're stopping smoking or heal your cancer the action on your side that's the point you could act in other words equally you don't go home and yet and the doctors not there oh my doctors not there so outcome the Marlboros I won't get cancer she doesn't see me do it that's the way we are we're very childish we kind of want to think we got away with it cuz no one sees us do it because we have this playing guilt punishment reward model which is really ridiculous for the poor this is a natural law of what it says whatever we do whatever we do think and say produces our own so we're producing ourselves moment by moment my rubbish negative actions harm me look at my guilt and self-loathing look it destroys us my compassion helped me so socially have to recognize the result yourself then your compassion baton zing you purified and then you say I will not do it again or I won't do it for 24 hours you make it change so it's nice for Don to forgive me that just gets me off the hook as being lazy it's using it for my own ego TV's really my friend Robina of course I forgive you but that's not enough you have got to make some changes that's the action that's the action that's the action that's the action guilt is just so pretty guilt is just I'm not being horrible about it we all have it but guilt is no responsibility whatsoever and it's always trying to find whether it's always like it's not but it's also also not my salt has always done that on the one hand is guilt not my all my fault the same time I kind of feel it's not my fault so gay goes always trying to get off the hook you know I've got to be owning owning the pain owning the stuff we do owning and see I am a sick of suffering I'm fed up with depression I'm fed up with guilt I'm fed up with self-loathing it's breaking my heart it's self abuse you know it's too shocking for words what do you think any questions people sweethearts are we communicating any more questions Arjun oh hello darling I see your name there happy to see you Charmaine any questions Brian in Los Angeles hello Brian Catherine Karen do you have a question yes it's a personal question you don't have to answer but you always talk a lot about coming with some anger right so what is the self-talk that you use or developed in your practice when you get angry how do you process that or how do you recommend some okay well first of all the best thing is to don't don't wait til you get angry it's best to do the analysis beforehand and you get to see the mild versions of anger before you could explode into them because often our part of our problem is that were so addicted to our bodies and to the physical world outside us we only notice we're angry when we're shaking do you understand what I'm saying here so we've got to learn to pay attention this is what a skill to what's going on in our mind when it feels very relaxed but I see all the thousands of thoughts in there the habits the conceptual stories that are programmed in our mind so the thought of anger just explained what would be what is put anger as a thought what's it saying what's it saying something goes wrong someone has something happens and then you get angry what's the what are the words it would come out your mouth because that's what lets the thought whatever comes out your mouth is the expression of the thought so what's the thought of anger What's it saying I'm disappointed or somebody didn't do what I wanted or you're gonna be you go there but no that's that's a theory you're saying how dare they do that Angus now dare they do that it is not fair why did you do that I expected this I only got that I ordered chocolate cake how did is that not anger whatever those thoughts you wrote if you read words on a piece of paper you wouldn't have to hear the shouting to know the person is angry would you you get my point now so that's my so anger we're so used to give it as a physical emotion and words coming out the mouth but it's it's simply what else is I hate you you are evil you are the cause of all my suffering how dare you do that to me they're very naked if there's no shouting and there's no body you see those words and you go oh that person's angry that's what anger is now the point is this this is where it gets really tricky darling I might have just punched you in the nose it might be true that I did a bad thing to you this is the point I might have done a bad thing so then we tend to think well it's natural to be angry but and it is but the Buddha's still saying there's a component in anger that is a truth there I do say you punched me but angers more than that anger then says how dare you punch me who do you think you are that we gotta start analyzing with those sorts of come from now if we want to be very kind of bit more subtle about it the idea how dare you do that to me that's a very powerful feeling of anguish like shock how dare you do that to me I don't deserve it would you agree that's anger one way anger experience expresses itself the guise of you on the freeway how dare you do that right and was really saying I don't deserve this I did nothing to serve it I'm driving along good girl and how dare you jump in front of me let's analyze that assumption I don't know let's analyse how dare you do that to me your personal life no more than that listen look at what's beneath it so in this in this understanding of the simple experience of attachment and anger they actually got a hierarchical relationship so anger is the view how dare you do that to me I don't deserve it it was the feeling of this the eye rises up doesn't it how dare you do now what is that assumption about that's coming from the assumption of attachment which is beneath it which is saying I only ever deserve good things and attachment is a junkie that only wants everything to be perfect which everything that I want and then when we you can see any people are really selfish who've got lots of attachment forget yourself but observe people who are really selfish everything that goes wrong they're so shocked because there's a sense of entitlement let's attach attachment is a sense of entitlement and it's an absolute belief it's a strong conceptual story but I only deserve good things and that is rooted in the root sense of concrete self in the first place so we got em questioned these assumptions so of course the real point is we say I don't deserve it what we really mean is I don't like it that's more realistic but that's offensive ah yeah mmm do that to me that's the voice we've gotta start looking at that's the assumptions we've got to start questioning do you understand or not I can hear you sounds gone I'm off no the question that I always dwell with is and when you said it's like you punched me like the questions like where let me get out of the noise where because a lot of there's a prayer that we do that it says the person doing the noise is really I can't your broken voice is breaking I'm so sorry okay is it better now I hope so going to okay so it's this what I always get confused is you know you know like everybody's my mother and my father I give up hang them and I'll let them get to with what we're doing if hearing me right but you're just doing is you're now talking high advanced university level practice well yeah basic fundamental standpoint practice so when we are so advanced and we're so together and we've so practice control the anger and attachment and we're really got renunciation we can have the luxury to go to the next level and suck up our souls for others that's a high level of practice and I'm not going no but nothing wrong we can try it gotta know where these different techniques come from they're not just super being a nice person they're quite they're quite organized and incremental so the very first level I mean the very first level to practice honey the very first level is junior school don't respond zip your lip and keep your hand to yourself at least don't create more trouble that's already a huge practice I mean we vomit out our mouths but we can't control our mouths that's the first level of practice at least don't do more harm by abusing the person in return get the hell out of their way if you can but at least control your body and speech which demands a lot of mental discipline then we have the luxury to go to the next level and start to understand the mind and get some concentration and begin to really hear these thousands of stories they're raging on underneath all the time sweetheart but we don't notice until they're loud we don't know something until you're shouting it's too late to look at it then so then every tease throughout the day think in your ordinary day if we're not an attachment and aversion as this kind of very intimate relationship the assumption every second about day from the second we wake up in the morning until the second we go to sleep they're deep the assumption in there is the core is called attachment and that assumption is I only want the nice things I can't be an attachment is a junkie so that means you only want the nice feeling when you get out of bed you want the water to be hot you want the coffee to be tasty you want the noises to be pleasant you want the boyfriend to behave nicely every second but kind of very fragile and we know the milliseconds something wrong happens that the coffee's not quite the right taste the shower the water's cold look what happens we get annoyed irritated upset frustrated don't we but we don't look at those levels we just think this is normal behavior we only wait till a brutal thing happens when we're screaming and yelling it's too late sweetheart we can see the workings throughout an ordinary day of wanting attached attachment is a junkie that demands something be a certain way wanting you order to be hot is reasonable you pay your water bills you deserve on water but attachment is an added one that gets annoyed when you don't get what you want if you haven't got much attachment and much aversion you still have good water you might have lousy hot water but you'll be able to ride the waves of it but throughout a normal day we're going from attachment to aversion a thousand times a day darling but we don't pay attention because it's mild are you hearing me that's a task an aversion but they're small then mild mild aversion anger is annoying you're annoyed at something you're upset you're frustrated you're irritated there are polite words for mild levels of anger so we've got to start paying attention throughout the day at the baby things and so what's the solution well except the bloody hot water and accept the cold coffee oh that's okay I can handle this or simply get your hot coffee and not make it fuss about it that's practice every day you hear your stories and you counteract them and you adjust yourself and you keep riding the wave of it instead of having a panic attack forty times a day no wonder we're exhausted by the end of the day that's the press that's the playing out of attachment and aversion attachment and aversion all day we don't look at it at that level are you hearing me yes and the levy was at every moment then you're equipped to deal with a strong everything's right so when you learn if you're in a situation where you need to set a boundary right somebody's abusing you what how do you worry you are working on your mind and know what is going on and you've dealt with the ordinary daily life of the coffee being wrong and the noise being wrong and the car not working and the red lights and the unhappy coffee if you're working you're practising darling you're practising at that level when you're practicing accepting the problems you're practicing not getting upset you're practising dealing with it then when it comes to the heavier ones you you won't have an issue with boundaries you've already practiced at a smaller level so you're more able to be aware of what's going on in your own mind and you won't be able to be abused when you're working actus it's becoming conscious about what is going on in your mind moment by moment and then not just conscious of it within doing arguing with the crazy ridiculous misconceptions arguing with a little baby attachment there that only wants nice things arguing was a ridiculous anger that gets annoyed and upset their concepts we task their concepts for this so we're so familiar with it we don't think we can change them their concepts you can change concepts you can reinterpret and call the coffee good you can reinterpret the red light and call it good that's a baby example then you get to the heavy levels you become more aware more conscious and you become more self respectful and then you don't get you won't be barging into people's barriers or having people bump into yours you can grow up we've got to start small first are you hearing me yes and I promise the practice there you go and you have a beneficiary no one else don't worry about it good thank you so much who else have a question yes sweetheart well first I have to say you're on fire tonight my question is actually a follow-up from the other night from on but I yeah and I asked gave the example boyfriend bringing flowers and it's expectations and you made a comment something about expectation and attachment and someone who is like I label myself like type a and I you know I take these personality tests and I am this type of person that I have these expectations and I go to work and I have these expectations and I have my friends that I have my family and I have sometimes there's a man in my life there's nothing but and these like don't we have to have some expectations see this is the tricky part that is that is quite unique to the Buddhist approach to the mind which we don't think of in our in our way of seeing the mind it's it's more nuanced than either you have expectations or you don't it's in other words if you and I are just friends and we've agreed to meet for dinner at 6 o'clock on Tuesdays and every time I get late I'm there at 10 plus 6 and 5 plus 6 and 20 plus 6 I'm so sorry the traffic was bad I'm so sorry it's not my fault always never so it's visible this is the point now reasonable life ordinary conventional reality absolutely depends upon everybody agreeing on what the time is and what to do otherwise with the world would collapse are you hearing my point it is appropriate to if you've got five dollars you want five dollars worth of food you don't want ten dollars on your mind but two dollars so everything is recognizing the reality of things and agreeing upon everything we agree on six now you've got two this is the point now and this is the point now regular expectation that if you have a relationship you're not going to abuse each other you're gonna be doing this new doing that expectations at work that you give a person a certain job that they're gonna do the job this is reasonable and intelligent way to live your lives so you don't throw the baby out with the bathwater and then to go I don't have to have any fixation you'll go mad so where's the wrong expectations that's the function of attachment darling so you think of it there's India there's your intelligence and your goodness and your kindness and your and and all the good parts of you working beautifully which makes you happy life there's the other stuff that pollutes it and the attachment is this one inside you that is holding on the lip you know you you you you get angry when I turn up at six a twenty five past six and you in you and your and you get frustrated with me and you get annoyed and angry with things that's anger and that's because you have this neurotic grasping at getting what you wanted that's on top of the reasonable expectation that I'd be there at six so that means you've got a decision to make Robina is ridiculous you still love her so you either accept it I'll turn up late or you check you say bye Raveena I'm out of here so that's where we you know and I was reasonable ordinary life is necessary to have six o'clock means six o'clock and $2.00 is $2.00 that's reality but on top of it we have this neurotic I based expectation kind of hubris I'm gonna get what I want and that's the control free control freak is attachment expectation is attachment possessiveness is attachment as you know Jonas end this so we're going to recognize the difference between the valid reasonable stakes of mine and the rubbish that pollutes it and that's all the I based fear-based nonsense stuff and that's what causes our suffering and that's what causes us to harm others so it's quite a tricky job it's quite nuanced to see the difference and we communicating yes ma'am thinking let's all go to have good plenty of awareness of our own thoughts baby and there's a thousand of them a second so we've got plenty of work to do don't send this is it we're all the same I'm a little maybe you know we'll cut from the same cloth and just different recipes that's all different amounts of these different things that's all yeah then you'll be very effective you can be an HR I'm an HR look at me but you can be an a-type and still get things done and demand and tell the printer I want it at that time and you can still you learn to do it without losing the plot you can learn it without investing your own neurosis in it that's the job to be done no good you don't check the baby out of the box or to become as we people 30 person which is how we tend to interpret goodness that's ridiculous that's wrong to think that way down llama is the most powerful kind of control freak if you like I mean these renowned to be famous for being loud and strong and volatile and powerful I mean this is a top Buddhist you know but he's not this mousy wimpy person I mean being a when I was with him for a while doing a certain thing years ago in Europe and he was all good he was all good he knows what his variant is very clever and everything so he knows all about press conferences so he runs the press conference in walks in and within five minutes everyone's doing what he wants is complete called control freak but he's wonderful it's not an ego at all it's good at things so we can have our own personalities and be good at things don't lose that baby but do it was interdependence with humility and patience and and wish to benefit others and then you'll be very powerful do you understand I'm good you look like you do well done what else people 10:00 to 10:00 to 8:00 time to go home soon 10:00 to 9:00 hanging on the line what else people other questions maybe Chris is in the in the knoteks there Mary nothing huh no questions no questions okay well I mean what starts all the vendôme and I left anything else I might ask you to talk a little bit about the use of fear on the path as something that motivates you to do something it's a more positive way I mean what we're talking here by definition is an erotic ridiculous I based panic-stricken ridiculous fear that makes a mess of everything but we can see perfectly what was intelligent fear I mean you know you're driving on a car on the freeway believe me fear of beginning smashed to smithereens is intelligent fear so you've got a bloody ball behavior you know but abide by the rules I mean that's a really just a simple ordinary level of reality you know so I mean this is weird but that's a very typical I mean it's very Tibetan isn't it done very Tibetan you know they ski the front like Elsa Tibetan is a very 10th century Hellfire and brimstone somehow somebody it's the way they talk you know so they use they say we've got to be afraid of the consequences of the actions we do because we but really I have been saying that already but I don't use the word fear so when you go to and this is why the doctor is such a good analogy there's just such a good analogy when you go to the doctor and she tells you you've got the Tennessee to get diabetes you're gonna be scared out of your wits you do not want suffering this is the perfect analogy and what I find fascinating nobody criticizes you for having that fear they call it intelligence don't they but as soon as you become a Buddhist or religious and you become afraid of karmic consequences of negative actions because we're so addicted to the dualistic view of punishment and reward like someone's up there is going to punish you then we get all scaredy-baby and then we get all resentful and neurotic like someone's going to punish us then we think fear is terrible and that's how we've been all our lives we mean we've been sort of all our lives and this has got a lot to do with this attachment to be approved of since we're born with craving approval so then and why because we don't want mummy to punish us so that's why I want to be a good girl I want mommy to serve a nice girl that's the very dualistic we have a punishment and reward and we bring that view into Buddhism and then because you know Buddha says everything you do that's negative will ripen as your future suffering then if you have the same so we get guilty oh I'm not gonna be punished who do you think you are telling me what to do we're childish but it's like the doctor you would have helped you would ask it you come home the doctor my god Don I mean so I got diabetes I can't believe it I'm pretty shocked I don't want diabetes no one would criticize you as being stupid they because you intelligence it's the same with Karma but we really find that hard because we don't have any sense but everything I think and do and say produces the person I become everyday I'm producing the person I become just in the same way everything you eat produces the body that you have we get it when it comes to the body we do not get it when it comes to our mind because we have this ego grasping demented so piteous view of blame shame guilt punishment reward and don't blame your classic mother or your Jewish mother for that we make that up so we've got to grow up you know then the healthy fear my god I don't want suffering I don't want to get killed I don't lie I don't need like you know what I want that something I don't want cancer same logic that's fear and it's intelligent fear what I do toddlers is only three minutes you see I say things to you first I'm going to find more things to say we can finish early it doesn't matter what is want me to say if you ask me a question I'm happy to answer got more karma and course yeah and being an American and going to therapy and you know you say over and over and over again you know you can't blame mommy and daddy and it's something that you said that I'm like you say okay so we blame mommy and daddy and then we just move on but we don't we blame mommy and daddy then we go to our therapist and we talk to a therapist and Timmy karma is almost you'd blame karma and you move on you it's all right it's not it's not like that Ali of course it's not okay leti of karma now he's gone where's Ellie you're mistaken of them I'm here I want you to ship her menos egg can you chew anything off Shamu now oh good he always has good questions to the point that we find very hard to get did you hear what I said about food you would not seal if your doctor tells you you might get diabetes you know that she's been kind to you isn't she she's basically telling you you got to pull this up together Ali and you've got to start disciplining your eating habits why cuz you're gonna suffer if you don't when you hear that you don't feel she's insulting you she don't think she's offending you you are happy for her advice aren't you listen okay so the Buddha's saying the same about our mind Ellie but we create our own happiness and we create our own suffering so of course what is talking about coming into this life from the past and we are now experiencing the fruits of our past in just the same way that the diabetes of today is the fruit of what to do 20 years ago and the suffering we have today is the fruit of what we did 27 lives ago it's just as extensive version of important effect so that's the first thing to even hypothesize I mean of course it's abstract for us when we think that your mother made you that on the other hand it's like we're talking to the woman before mommies and daddies do harm us and it's not appropriate you've got to first establish that you've got to first establish your mother and father home with you and it's not appropriate harming anybody is not right so then depending on how we respond to that whether we hide it like the other woman and suffocated and feel overwhelmed and then turn it against ourselves that's brutal to ourselves so we've got to really learn to heal ourselves with kindness and understand how so before we get into common comments to get on Karma forget trauma then but when we have an understanding of who I am and why I am and then every mili second of all the happiness I've got le every millisecond of anything good in your life you've must have had quite a few think putting your life you agree you got people beloved friends people love you they support you what a job you've got things you know the house you you have you know you've so many things you have so many good things you know what we take those for granted but the Buddha would say if you realize how much virtue how much generosity how much morality how much ethics how much kindness but you must have practiced in order to have even access to a grain of rice we would be blissed-out with joy at our past hard work so when we can own the fact that all our goodness and happiness and joy is the fruit of our hard work but we never think we never asked the question why the good things happen so this is a most powerful concept that all the happiness we have is the fruit of our past actions then it is easy to own why bad things happen then then it's not complicated so it's a process you gotta go through step by step and incorporate them and think about the logic of it then slowly it brings the experiential result you know and it's owning the fact that we literally create our services and of course it's more extensive than that there's more detail to it but it's really quite a bit it's about a powerful concept I mean you know we were just so it's not punishment it's got nothing to do with punishment it's got nothing to do with reward it's it's it's a process and we are the boss of that process that's the bigger picture and when we can begin to see that and everything wouldn't ever happen the main cause of it is my past version everything something that our experience is it is the copy as a result of the opposite and when we get in other words that's why the guard in the good analogy everything in your garden it's amazing for everything in your garden flowers and cities in herds you know you know that's your garden and that means whatever is in it you put it there you might like the weeds but you don't say who put weight in my garden I'm an innocent victim it's your garden baby so our life is our garden so whatever happens in your lives every person is trying to you everything that good happens the bank gives you credit a person smiles at you you got good health none of this is accidental none of this is random it's the fruit of your virtue you produced yourself if we begin to get that it's mind boggling will be blissed-out so then of course what's the learning from it you better keep growing more veggies you love the veggies you love the herbs you know what the bloody weeds so you stop growing more weeds we just sick of suffering and you grow flowers because you want happiness it's that's the kind of concept but it takes time because it's not how we think in our culture of course it isn't and then of course your parents of Hondas all take people harm us it's the universe because they do so you got to recognize that and you got to recognize it is wrong than this but then when you have the bigger picture about Karma and it's more extensive you're able to bear that but you got to go one step at a time you know one step at a time heel here first then we can begin to look into them you know there's many things there thank you so much for that perspective I've actually been contemplating precious human life a lot recently I might have might have like open 19 healing stole incredibly like yes grateful and like good right like because I live in Montana and like we don't have a lot of in it yeah but we don't and that's not and that's and I was coming is personal that's the fruit of your lawn killing coming your non-harming karma that you are fortunate to be in a good environment in a good situation where you're not being harmed and rejoice in that but then learning from it is when you look at your veggies in your garden you don't just go oh anti lucky and and eat the veggies you go I better grow more baby what's the cause of this virtue keep trappers emotes you keep practicing generosity keep not killing the key is about the law of cause and effect you get the learning from it I'd better keep doing more of it you understand yes thank you and then you're gonna have compassion to others I understand who it's ready buddy that's enough someone else have was another person Jackie let's lots of love only Iguchi absolutely lots of love and peace to all of you all of you yes lots of love and peace good enough so we're seeing a baby little baby prayer together come on Donna let's do the two little dedication prayers and remember every thought counts so this is just you can sit down just and listen if you like or you can just sit there and read these words and try and internalize the meaning of these words if you like them if you don't like them you don't have to no one's forcing you um you know I can't see that my pictures are in the way I can't see the words anyway gone you do them in English or to me as you wish myself okay English okay due to the merits of these virtuous actions may I quickly attain the state of a group Buddha and lead all living beings without exception into that enlightened state may the supreme jewel bodhichitta this is not a resume arise and grow and may that which has arisen not diminish but increase every one there we go thank you people I'm seeing all of you there thank you