[Music] good evening everyone all the way from Thailand today I want to talk about the topic of betrayal specifically self betrayal this video for me is quite personal because this is something before monkhood that I struggle with for almost my entire life I want to share how I betrayed myself I want to share how it presented what were the symptoms of self- betrayal and then two how did I solve this issue for myself and again this is just a personal story so many people are struggling so many people uh have challenges when it comes to this part and for me I just wanted to do my part and give you a insight and a perspective that may be helpful again with all these types of videos if it's helpful for you please utilize it and if it's not if it's not then no problem let's keep moving but let's start from the very beginning betrayal for me was in every aspect of my life how it started is because for my nature and my personality is I'm a people pleaser I don't want conflict and and some people will look at me and they will say well because Venable Nick because of what you've been through we call that a trauma because of the environment that you were raised in for me is I don't know I don't know but the point is growing up my whole life I was the type of person who wanted Harmony Who through the context that I was in I didn't want any conflict and any time things came up I would just try to make a decision and a choice where everyone will win everyone will I don't want to rock the boat to the point where then I would neglect me I would not take time to honor me and to check in with me what do I want and this was a big problem because it bled into everything in the beginning I didn't even know that it was an issue because it worked and it kept the harmony but slowly year by year it bled into small things and it bled into big things in my life and it went everywhere like a cancer some of the things that it bled into was just with my friendships when people asked me to do things because I didn't want any conflict or maybe I didn't have the confidence I'm not again I'm not sure exactly what it was but I would just go with the flow the things that people wanted to do sure let's do it and somewhere along the lines then I noticed and I heard the voice of I don't want to do those things and many times I would betray that I would speak up I wouldn't even insert my own opinion again due to not wanting that conflict people would share with me the activities that they wanted to do going to football games and doing um different activities going to play sports or going to uh engage in a certain Gathering going to a party and for me if I were to be honest I didn't like any of that but there was a part of me that felt pressured there was a part of me that wanted to fit in and again let's just go with the flow so that's how it bled into some of the activity with friends it would bleed in through with my family and I come from a conservative family Asian family who told me what they wanted of me and they did their best and for them being successful meant you needed a good education you needed a career path that was very specific you need to be an expert you need to be a doctor you need to be a lawyer all those successful fields and for me I went along with that I did many education programs because again this is what was expected of me there was a part of me that wanted to please my family and also there was a part of me that I just didn't want that conflict again let's just go let's just do my best I did three PhD program PRS I dropped out every single one of them and it was a learning experience but again this was another example it even bled to the type of careers that I wanted uh originally for myself is I wanted to work in the entertainment industry I was working as a dancer on the side secretly privately without my family knowing because it didn't go along with the values but I couldn't open that I couldn't share that and again I just did what was expected of me it bled into romantic relationships where depending on the partner I would enjoy and do things just because they want to do it if you were to ask me what kind of restaurant do I want to go to what kind of food do I want to eat what kind of music do I like what kind of crowds do I want to hang with if these people if my partner enjoyed those things cool and I'm going to go with it and again you can start to see the patterns you can start to see the trend and bit by bit I started to uh neglect parts of me even when it comes to dressing the clothes that I would wear I would feel pressured and to dress in a specific and certain way that would be accepted by the people that I was around I remember going to a very nice hip clothing shop I won't say the name but I didn't know how to match I didn't know how to dress in this way and it wasn't even my style but I took so much effort so much time to fit into this mold and bit by bit like I said it started to um build up upon itself so when I talk about betrayal what I'm talking about is there was a part of me somewhere along the way that gave guidance shared with me the things that I should pursue the things that I wanted to do but from my situation I either neglected it I either rejected it push it down I don't want to see it and this was just what it is so with this betrayal and not taking the time to honor myself what were the symptoms what's the effect of this so one of the effects for me was that slowly bit by bit I started to feel like a zombie is the word that best describe describes it and while I was successful in the things that I was doing from the outside looking at my life it looks like wow I have it all and things were going so well but internally if I were to be honest I felt disconnected I felt like I was looking at myself I felt like I was looking at my life from this third person perspective as if I wasn't part of it I don't know how to quite explain it in words words but slowly I just felt disconnected uh slowly I felt like I wasn't involved I wasn't excited and there was a part of me that was numb and I felt like a robot where the the days the activities the things that I was getting involved in it just felt mundane and I would go this activity to the next activity to the next activity like I said just like a zombie fully numb and from that and rejecting myself I started to get into activities that were not so healthy into relationships that were not so healthy and slowly this is how my journey started to progress so then the next thing I want to get into is then how did I solve this issue uh there's two things that I want to point out the first thing is then I didn't solve it that was the first part or the first phase is because everyone around me was happy everyone around me was content because I didn't cause any Ruffles I didn't cause any conflict the things that they were wanting for me I did I did and I just went along I just rejected that part of me so again no issue while there was this inkling this nudging this little voice inside that was trying to uh grow itself for me nope not listening to it because again at that time it worked while there was still some suffering that was starting to appear it wasn't as bad it wasn't as bad because okay I might feel like a zombie I might feel numb and disconnected but at the end of the day it worked and everyone is happy everyone is content life is moving on I have a good job I have a good relationship I have activities that I need that I want to do so not an issue and that's how I Justified it in my life so from this if it's not broken let's keep going so I thought so that's what I did again just go with the flow mundane Monday turns into Tuesday Tuesday turns into Wednesday this year turns into the next and let's just keep going let's play the game now we get to stage two stage two and how my life changed is when I experienced the breakup with my ex-girlfriend of five years the way I would describe my life up to this point was that it was like a a game of Jenga a Jenga is the the block puzzles where you keep building one block on top of another and I've learned how to build my life up with the identity that I wanted with the job that I wanted with the environment that I wanted and it just worked but when this relationship fell apart when I went through this breakup it's like this piece of Jenga wood was pulled and everything came crumbling down and this was the beginning of my journey this was the hardest period of my life because the image the identity the lifestyle that I would was building up It Came Crashing Down and in this place it was the darkest time in my life and it was dark because I lost my identity I lost my self-worth I lost the meaning and the mass that I put up there and I had nothing to cling on to and this phase was so scary this phase was so lonely and dark and without all of these blocks and this facade that I built up for decades I didn't know what to do with it so while this was the most challenging time looking back at it I would say this was the best thing that has ever happened to me and what I learned from this breakup was a few things the first thing that it revealed to me was that my whole life I was a people pleaser I did not want that conflict I wanted that Harmony and I was willing to sacri sacrifice myself at all costs to keep everything uh very stable that was the first thing that I realized and what this uh showed to me uh the second thing that I realized was that in this process I neglected myself I didn't take time to really speak for me I didn't make an effort or have the courage or even make the attempt to let my voice be heard the things that were Brewing inside the dream Dre that I had the activities that I wanted I didn't put it out there and this is what I mean by I consistently betrayed myself time and time and time again I was influenced by everyone else around me and I didn't give myself the chance to be at the table to make these choices and the third thing that it revealed for my own life was that why while I betrayed myself everyone around me was happy everyone around me got what they wanted except for me except for me and the feeling that it came with wasn't pleasant and while everyone had Harmony outside for me internally it was K chotic it was brewing and I wasn't happy I wasn't content as I could be so then this leads me to the next step of having this awareness having this recognition how did I solve this issue so let's go into the four steps that were helpful to overcoming this self betrayal the first step to fixing this problem is that you have to recognize that it's a problem for me at the age that I was at in the context that I was in looking back at my whole life and the patterns that I was displaying how it showed up I said it's a problem and I'm not willing to do this and I want to fix it did it work for me before in the past up to this point sure yes it worked until it didn't and in this moment with the breakup with this new period in my life I said I'm rebuilding my foundation and I need to fix this it's no longer working for me and I wanted to go all in I needed to recognize this is a problem and I needed to make a choice of I am ready to change and I'm ready to fight for me the second step in this process is to remove all distractions once I realized that I needed to make these types of changes I realized that my life was filled with so many distractions I was busy I was busy from the time that I woke up all the way to the time that I fell asleep sleep and while it looks like I was making so much progress in reality if I were to be honest it's that it distracted me from looking at me to get this change process going I said I need to eliminate that and make more room I need to make more space so all the activities that were no longer serving me all those busy activities that were just a distraction I need to stop I stopped going out and partying I stopped drinking with my buddies who we would always go out to the night life I stopped engaging in activities um that just took time and wasn't going towards my goals I stopped with a lot of spending and one way for me that I would stuff and keep me from fixing myself was I would go shopping I know that might sound silly but I would fill up so much of my time of going to the mall spending a lot of money looking at the ways that I would dress and again those were all distractions so by getting rid of people by getting rid of places by getting rid of things and activities that took up so much of my energy and my effort now this was the step let me free that when you stop doing those things now you can have more time you can have more energy so then you can put that effort into making that change so this was step number two by eliminating all of the distractions once you eliminate these distractions then take time time to get to know yourself I realized that for my whole life I just went with the flow what was expected of me and this was my fault and this was my responsibility that I did not take which was get to know me and from this point I had to take that time to build that relationship with me I didn't realize it was so bad that I didn't even know my favorite color like I shared with you for me is I'm a chameleon and I would adjust and compromise and adapt myself for the environment and who I was around and when everything fell apart I had to get to know me from the ground from Ground Zero I started by just daily activities of when I would go to work this is a true example when went to the cafeteria we would have a buffet the cafeteria lady would ask us do you want hamburgers or do you want hot dogs and it may sound silly to the people who are watching out there but for myself I had to take a moment no joke there was a line uh right behind me and I said everyone time out let me check in this moment what do I want and what do I like okay do I want hamburgers or do I want hot dogs okay in this moment just check in with me not what anyone else want but in this moment I just want a hamburger and this may sound silly but this built the foundation and I had to do this with everything I had to do this with what is my favorite color what kind of music do I even like because I'm so tainted by by what my peers what my co-workers like what my brothers like but now tune out all the noise and check in and I did this and I went through my life from scratch and I had to rebuild again and this takes time another way that I got to know myself is through just simply being alone simply taking the time to enjoy my own company up to this point I didn't know how to do that I would enjoy things I would enjoy activities with other people I would enjoy uh situations but if you were to remove external stimulus uh what what do I do with myself I I didn't know how to appreciate my my own company and just to sit alone just to be with my own thoughts just to go on a drive in the car and have a Saturday afternoon by myself this was so helpful also along with this then I started to read books listen to podcasts feed myself with good information to help me guide myself to knowing me other things that can be helpful is journaling just taking the time to write out your experience so you can see so you can process and release these emotions and be able to observe yourself so this along with meditation uh uh having time to reflect and contemplate all of this I would gather into taking time to know you not only being able to appreciate time with yourself but also ask yourself the important questions like what are your values I know many of you have tried to explore your values before but have you explored your values in this present moment and in that present moment when I lost everything I needed to re-evaluate and what I thought were important after this breakup you better believe it was it was a game Cher and from this I needed to check in in this present moment what do I believe in anymore what do I value what kind of Lifestyle do I want to live do I want to work 80 hours every single day do I value just money do I value time and relationships do I value Simplicity and these things you can't answer in two hours maybe you can but I feel like if possible give yourself the time to explore give yourself the time to wrestle and check in of what are my values and what do I believe in and this is quite important because this is going to be your foundation moving forward so step number three was is to get to know yourself for step number four I would say that it goes hand inand with step number three of knowing yourself and step number four is to start to take action not only take action but to follow through this was important because for me I didn't trust me I didn't trust myself I didn't have that confidence because I kept betraying my own words I kept betraying me because there were parts of me that wanted to do things there were part of me that had these Big Dreams and each and every single time I would undercut it I would undercut it by not keeping my words and when we don't keep our words to some people it may seem like it's not a big deal I said I'm going to work out and I don't work out that's not a big deal but for me is it is a big deal because in that moment I betrayed me I don't even have the confidence I don't even have the stamina to follow through and that was not okay and because I did not have that skill I needed to rebuild it and the way I rebuilt it was to start to make a list of things that I should do and it can be big or small write anything down clean clean your room pursuing a hobby doing a Google search exploring this new activity talking to a friend apologizing doing uh cleaning your room uh but the list goes on and on it doesn't matter write these things down and pick one item cross it off the list and when we start to do that now you can build trust in yourself when I say I'm going to do something I keep my my word and I trust me and I would do this every single year I mean every single day and I would do this for years building up this skill of ah when I say I'm going to do this I know and I trust that it will be accomplished and it took some time uh an example a real life example that I used that was a game Cher for me was with meditation and I use the habit of meditation as a tool to train myself I said I'm going to meditate a minimum of 5 minutes a day and I did this for one whole year 365 days every morning I would wake up I would then uh at the end of my meditation I would donate $1 and then from this brightness this Purity this still mind I would make a resolution for my life may I be happy and healthy May the path that I'm going on be uh free of obstacles and suffering May the right people show up but this process for me was important because I was fighting for myself each and every single time I felt more confident each and every single time it built that habit and that skill and again I can slowly start to trust me but these were the types of activities that were so helpful and how this activity translated into my life was now I started to trust myself with small decisions and and trusting myself with small decisions later meant that I would trust myself with big decisions and medium decisions and I started to act on it and this is how my life started to change but these are the four steps that how I started to build that trust in me again for those who are watching I want to give a disclaimer and the purpose of this video is not to rebel and Revolt and everyone's a problem no no not at all please uh listen to this V video with wisdom everyone's situation is different and we need to honor our situation some context you do have to betray yourself some context you do have to do what you have to do and you're not in a place where you can make the decisions that you want and it's okay okay but take it takes time but what I do want to leave you all with is that regardless of your situation make time to get to know you why is knowing yourself so important is because throughout life you're going to have to make decisions if you do not know your values if you do not know yourself and what you want in your life if you do not have a anchor point when you have to make decisions you're going to rely on your outside environment you're going to rely on someone else and if we can take the time to have this anchor when a decision is presented to you then now you can fully take this responsibility and make a choice for your life that best suits you but I hope this makes sense uh I hope this is helpful and for me I don't blame my friends I don't blame my family I don't blame the culture and the environment that I was in or even myself but I did the best that I could the people around me also did the best that they could and the analy that comes to my mind is I feel like when you come into this life is your you're in a car and in the beginning we're sitting in the back seat of the car and there's people driving this car forward we're just passengers and because we may not have the power because we may not have the choice to make at that time my parents drove everything my family and my environment drove everything in the beginning and it's okay but there comes a point in our life that I find if you want then you can say thank you everyone you driven me up to this point you did the best you can and I fully appreciate it and moving forward for me now I want to get into the driver's seat I want to drive this car I want to make full decisions for myself and at this point uh it's time for me to take over the wheel but I hope we can navigate this in a responsible way uh take time to get to know you as best as you can and I hope this resonate and is helpful for all of you out there but if you can feel free to share your stories and your Journeys and as a group as a community we can learn and grow from one another so I hope this was helpful and again keep doing the work thank you thank you everyone sat [Music]