Descentering Men Movement and Relationship Dynamics

hey have have you heard about this thing called decentering men movement I haven't decentering men what's that all right so it's uh it's a it's a movement it's been going on uh women choose to focus on themselves and reject the standards of men in their decisionmaking right these are heterosexual women or heterosexual okay heterosexual women are rejecting the standard of men and focusing on them who is behind this I'm I'm not sure right and the reason I asked is because we know now that the CIA was behind glorious steum in the feminist movement yeah that the CIA funded early feminism so I'm wondering if some of this black male female relationship conflict I would not be surprised to find out that some of this was financed by the power and because the people I notice that speak about relationships and I don't know if you can attest to this and you know the relationship status of the people who host the shows you go on they're single and they haven't been married so I don't know why they're the voice of marriage and sustainable relationships when they themselves are not in a relationship or haven't been married but those seem to be those who are leading the narrative in regards to relationships in the black community so as I said I don't know who's funding them who's pushing them but this disdain women are proclaiming for men and this disain that men are proclaiming for women is both destructive but at one point I think it's a a psychological tactic that they're using to soo themselves that they're kind of out of the market and they're spreading this narrative great point I got a couple thoughts uh number one I think a lot of the people who are engaged on a regular basis in this conflict between the genders come from from homes where unsuccessful relationships was modeled by their parents they came from broken homes they came from traumatized homes they came from domestically abusive homes and I think they carry that pain with them into their adult relationships and I think that that childhood trauma of observing dysfunction was intensified when they actually experienced it themselves in their romantic relationships I think a lot of them suffer from low self-esteem where they constantly are ending up with the wrong people because they're too afraid to approach the right people say that again A lot of people are constantly ending up in dysfunctional relationships with the wrong people because they don't have the self-esteem to approach the right people that is a very big issue in the community I'm going to add to that the mistrust that a lot of us have of the opposite sex because of how poor our relationship was with our opposite sex parent very few of these men who are out here condemning women have a great relationship with their mother fact and very few of these women who are out here condemning uh men have great relationships with their fathers and so what a lot of this is is because I am in pain I want everyone else to be and because I have not found functional and productive love I don't want anyone else to find it either and what I'm seeing is men and women who are selfishly trying to indoctrinate other people with their dysfunctional views of the opposite sex in hopes that they don't find a good situation it's almost as if I didn't succeed and I don't want none of you to succeed and the best way to do that is to convince you there are no good black women the best way to do that is to convince you that there are no good black men on this love piece I think that you have traumatic people traumatized the Africans leading the discourse it's the same thing when we talk about polygyny when you talk about polygyny you only hear from successful single black women who are so astoundingly gorgeous and so economically Elite that they are in a position where they may never have to share their husband right but you don't represent the norm but guess what they will block the door you will never hear from the mother with six kids you will never hear from the woman on public assistance who's been married twice and neither relationship worked out you're not going to hear from the sister who had to go to jail because she had to take out her spouse for you know abusing her and now she's back out here trying to build a family women who have less than perfect backgrounds are never involved in the conversation on polygyny and another piece to what you said earlier when we talk about this black male female relationship conflict married couples tend not to enter in the discourse facts man they don't got time fight it well some of them because they completely reject the narrative that they're hearing because it's nonsense and their marriage shows that you can be happy right but then a lot of them are not getting involved in the discourse because although they are in a good marriage they were not great parents and some of their children are the ones out here leading the charge to destroy the opposite sex so even though I'm happily married to my wife I'm not going to get on one of these podcasts and expose how wrong these young people are and saying they can't find Happy black love because I wasn't there for my daughter and she may expose me on one of these podcasts one day and say Daddy you're the reason I can't find good black love because you never viol dated me as a woman but at what point in an adults life do we stop uh using past experience is as a copout for our future growth I don't know if you could call it a copout because coming from a psychological perspective your past is always present your past is always present in your current experience it it's always relevant El more I stepping out of relationships to give you a quick analogy I've done life coaching with seniors 70 years old still looking for their mother or father or still mourning the loss of their mother or father or still shameful for the fact that before mom or dad left this Earth we was on bad terms they 70 and 80 you never outrun your P it's there the issue though is can you make peace with it you always going to carry it with you can you make peace with it may I should have rewarded in regards to how much control it has over you and how it dictates your life that depends on how much trauma you carry the more trauma the more control your past has over you a traumatic take somebody with post-traumatic stress disorder right a Vietnam vet hypothetically he's never going to stop experiencing those dreams in the middle of the night and when he's dreaming he thinks he's back in Vietnam Vietnam was 50 years ago but guess what his past is with him every day and it's so present that he can't even tell the difference between whether he's in a Vietnam Battlefield or in the bed with his wife I once knew a sister right Vietnam vet as a husband he slept with his knife his Vietnam knife in the bed because he felt he needed that because when he had those dreams they were so real they put him back on a battlefield and she said doc all I could do is pray and hope to God that one night he don't have one of them dreams and it gets so real that he sees me as a Viet Kong and pick that knife up and not stab me to death but it pass is always with us and please correct me but it almost sounds like people don't heal no the pass is with you yeah even when you healed the past is with you the difference between the healed person and the unhealed person right is the heal person made peace with their past but in order to make peace with your past you got to confront it I think the point that you're making and I agree we have to come we ain't confronting our past these people on the podcast running around talking about some all black men ain't is how can you say that about millions of people how many relationships have you had I had 10 relationships if that like three and you generalize everybody you know why because the first thing I'mma say in life coaching because they're not going to admit this on the podcast they never going to admit this in the podcast life coaching tell me about the relationship with your father boom everything comes out everything comes out because the relationship you had with your opposite sex parent or or surrogate because it could have been stepparent could have that relationship is predictive of your future romance with anybody else of the opposite sex you cannot I cannot separate my relationship with my mother from the relationship I have with any woman because my mother is my first love affair not sexually psychosocially if you had a good love affair with your mother you can go and love a woman if a woman had a good love affair with her father she can go and love a man but if you didn't you always going to be suspicious let me give you this half these people talk about they've been done wrong I bet you if we interviewed a person who they claim who did them wrong half of them it was all in their head it was all in their head you are literally making assumptions of what this person is or isn't doing based on your past trauma and that's why you always hear me say traumatized people should not date because you're nothing more than a spiritual vampire you're taking all your baggage putting it in his person's life and when they grow intolerant of dealing with it you claim that they did nothing but waste your time when the truth the matter is they wanted to give you OB they wanted to give you an honest chance at love but you couldn't make peace with your past because you was too afraid to confront it and you know another part I have with this whole dialogue that's so popular now and and there's no healing involved in it there's no I don't see anybody saying okay y'all we know how we feel can we start to heal now but there's another part man they're they're starting to um they're starting to muddle the reality about marriage it almost seems as Prof perfectionism now so the the relationship is just not perfect across the board it Ain no use getting involved it needs to be terminated right away and we're not talking about abuse of craziness right as you know in any relationship up downs and down but they're not there's no narrative or there's no di they want they want a guarantee of success before they enter the field you know what that sounds like it sounds just like black folks we want a guarantee of success before we organize and do anything about our situation Dr Umar you got to guarantee me when we build this black hospital it's going to work it's only going to take this amount of money and this amount of time and we ain't going to really have no issues on our way to building that hospital or this school or this supermarket and if there's going to be any issues at all I don't want to be a part of it do you know what they're saying I have no commitment that's all that means I have no commitment to working through a situation that is less than perfect hey we uh we recently had a a conversation with brother Nori Muhammad yes sir and we were talking about how we live in a commitment lless Society we do and it's impacting relationship tremendously I'll give you one implication I'll give you a long-term implication to this consistent war between the genders and our community more and more elders and as we become Elders are going to spin their Golden Years by themselves and nothing bothers me more than when I see an elder living alone because when they transition nobody may know for days you know I see Queen mothers alone I see the Babas alone uh we definitely are not meant to be that way and I think the reason why it's so easy for us to call it quits on the romance is because our families often do not function as collective either if you look at our families mom might be tight with the daughter dad might be tight with the son but Dad ain't really don't really mess with his daughter mom don't really mess with a son Mom and Dad have their issues it's almost like everybody's renting space in the home but we don't function like a family remember if you were not exposed to it you will not value it so a lot of these people who are saying I'm so quick to walk away from a potential love with my opposite sex I don't need it I don't care about it I'm just going to focus on me there's no value there and the reason there's no value here because you never experienced that in a healthy fashion as a child and that's why it's a double- Ed sword because on the one hand I don't want unhealthy men and unhealthy women coming together because they're going to make more unhealthy children which is going to lead to more unhealthy podcast on the one hand I don't want them coming together on the other hand if they don't come together they never work through the conflicts and contradictions to see that love can happen so it's a double eded sword because on the one hand you're a spiritual vampire don't nobody really need to be messing with you anyway but on the other hand if you give it a chance you might see that it's possible and you might be one of the ones that went through [Music]

hey have have you heard about this thing called decentering men movement I haven&#39;t decentering men what&#39;s that all right so it&#39;s uh it&#39;s a it&#39;s a movement it&#39;s been going on uh women choose to focus on themselves and reject the standards of men in their decisionmaking right these are heterosexual women or heterosexual okay heterosexual women are rejecting the standard of men and focusing on them who is behind this I&#39;m I&#39;m not sure right and the reason I asked is because we know now that the CIA was behind glorious steum in the feminist movement yeah that the CIA funded early feminism so I&#39;m wondering if some of this black male female relationship conflict I would not be surprised to find out that some of this was financed by the power and because the people I notice that speak about relationships and I don&#39;t know if you can attest to this and you know the relationship status of the people who host the shows you go on they&#39;re single and they haven&#39;t been married so I don&#39;t know why they&#39;re the voice of marriage and sustainable relationships when they themselves are not in a relationship or haven&#39;t been married but those seem to be those who are leading the narrative in regards to relationships in the black community so as I said I don&#39;t know who&#39;s funding them who&#39;s pushing them but this disdain women are proclaiming for men and this disain that men are proclaiming for women is both destructive but at one point I think it&#39;s a a psychological tactic that they&#39;re using to soo themselves that they&#39;re kind of out of the market and they&#39;re spreading this narrative great point I got a couple thoughts uh number one I think a lot of the people who are engaged on a regular basis in this conflict between the genders come from from homes where unsuccessful relationships was modeled by their parents they came from broken homes they came from traumatized homes they came from domestically abusive homes and I think they carry that pain with them into their adult relationships and I think that that childhood trauma of observing dysfunction was intensified when they actually experienced it themselves in their romantic relationships I think a lot of them suffer from low self-esteem where they constantly are ending up with the wrong people because they&#39;re too afraid to approach the right people say that again A lot of people are constantly ending up in dysfunctional relationships with the wrong people because they don&#39;t have the self-esteem to approach the right people that is a very big issue in the community I&#39;m going to add to that the mistrust that a lot of us have of the opposite sex because of how poor our relationship was with our opposite sex parent very few of these men who are out here condemning women have a great relationship with their mother fact and very few of these women who are out here condemning uh men have great relationships with their fathers and so what a lot of this is is because I am in pain I want everyone else to be and because I have not found functional and productive love I don&#39;t want anyone else to find it either and what I&#39;m seeing is men and women who are selfishly trying to indoctrinate other people with their dysfunctional views of the opposite sex in hopes that they don&#39;t find a good situation it&#39;s almost as if I didn&#39;t succeed and I don&#39;t want none of you to succeed and the best way to do that is to convince you there are no good black women the best way to do that is to convince you that there are no good black men on this love piece I think that you have traumatic people traumatized the Africans leading the discourse it&#39;s the same thing when we talk about polygyny when you talk about polygyny you only hear from successful single black women who are so astoundingly gorgeous and so economically Elite that they are in a position where they may never have to share their husband right but you don&#39;t represent the norm but guess what they will block the door you will never hear from the mother with six kids you will never hear from the woman on public assistance who&#39;s been married twice and neither relationship worked out you&#39;re not going to hear from the sister who had to go to jail because she had to take out her spouse for you know abusing her and now she&#39;s back out here trying to build a family women who have less than perfect backgrounds are never involved in the conversation on polygyny and another piece to what you said earlier when we talk about this black male female relationship conflict married couples tend not to enter in the discourse facts man they don&#39;t got time fight it well some of them because they completely reject the narrative that they&#39;re hearing because it&#39;s nonsense and their marriage shows that you can be happy right but then a lot of them are not getting involved in the discourse because although they are in a good marriage they were not great parents and some of their children are the ones out here leading the charge to destroy the opposite sex so even though I&#39;m happily married to my wife I&#39;m not going to get on one of these podcasts and expose how wrong these young people are and saying they can&#39;t find Happy black love because I wasn&#39;t there for my daughter and she may expose me on one of these podcasts one day and say Daddy you&#39;re the reason I can&#39;t find good black love because you never viol dated me as a woman but at what point in an adults life do we stop uh using past experience is as a copout for our future growth I don&#39;t know if you could call it a copout because coming from a psychological perspective your past is always present your past is always present in your current experience it it&#39;s always relevant El more I stepping out of relationships to give you a quick analogy I&#39;ve done life coaching with seniors 70 years old still looking for their mother or father or still mourning the loss of their mother or father or still shameful for the fact that before mom or dad left this Earth we was on bad terms they 70 and 80 you never outrun your P it&#39;s there the issue though is can you make peace with it you always going to carry it with you can you make peace with it may I should have rewarded in regards to how much control it has over you and how it dictates your life that depends on how much trauma you carry the more trauma the more control your past has over you a traumatic take somebody with post-traumatic stress disorder right a Vietnam vet hypothetically he&#39;s never going to stop experiencing those dreams in the middle of the night and when he&#39;s dreaming he thinks he&#39;s back in Vietnam Vietnam was 50 years ago but guess what his past is with him every day and it&#39;s so present that he can&#39;t even tell the difference between whether he&#39;s in a Vietnam Battlefield or in the bed with his wife I once knew a sister right Vietnam vet as a husband he slept with his knife his Vietnam knife in the bed because he felt he needed that because when he had those dreams they were so real they put him back on a battlefield and she said doc all I could do is pray and hope to God that one night he don&#39;t have one of them dreams and it gets so real that he sees me as a Viet Kong and pick that knife up and not stab me to death but it pass is always with us and please correct me but it almost sounds like people don&#39;t heal no the pass is with you yeah even when you healed the past is with you the difference between the healed person and the unhealed person right is the heal person made peace with their past but in order to make peace with your past you got to confront it I think the point that you&#39;re making and I agree we have to come we ain&#39;t confronting our past these people on the podcast running around talking about some all black men ain&#39;t is how can you say that about millions of people how many relationships have you had I had 10 relationships if that like three and you generalize everybody you know why because the first thing I&#39;mma say in life coaching because they&#39;re not going to admit this on the podcast they never going to admit this in the podcast life coaching tell me about the relationship with your father boom everything comes out everything comes out because the relationship you had with your opposite sex parent or or surrogate because it could have been stepparent could have that relationship is predictive of your future romance with anybody else of the opposite sex you cannot I cannot separate my relationship with my mother from the relationship I have with any woman because my mother is my first love affair not sexually psychosocially if you had a good love affair with your mother you can go and love a woman if a woman had a good love affair with her father she can go and love a man but if you didn&#39;t you always going to be suspicious let me give you this half these people talk about they&#39;ve been done wrong I bet you if we interviewed a person who they claim who did them wrong half of them it was all in their head it was all in their head you are literally making assumptions of what this person is or isn&#39;t doing based on your past trauma and that&#39;s why you always hear me say traumatized people should not date because you&#39;re nothing more than a spiritual vampire you&#39;re taking all your baggage putting it in his person&#39;s life and when they grow intolerant of dealing with it you claim that they did nothing but waste your time when the truth the matter is they wanted to give you OB they wanted to give you an honest chance at love but you couldn&#39;t make peace with your past because you was too afraid to confront it and you know another part I have with this whole dialogue that&#39;s so popular now and and there&#39;s no healing involved in it there&#39;s no I don&#39;t see anybody saying okay y&#39;all we know how we feel can we start to heal now but there&#39;s another part man they&#39;re they&#39;re starting to um they&#39;re starting to muddle the reality about marriage it almost seems as Prof perfectionism now so the the relationship is just not perfect across the board it Ain no use getting involved it needs to be terminated right away and we&#39;re not talking about abuse of craziness right as you know in any relationship up downs and down but they&#39;re not there&#39;s no narrative or there&#39;s no di they want they want a guarantee of success before they enter the field you know what that sounds like it sounds just like black folks we want a guarantee of success before we organize and do anything about our situation Dr Umar you got to guarantee me when we build this black hospital it&#39;s going to work it&#39;s only going to take this amount of money and this amount of time and we ain&#39;t going to really have no issues on our way to building that hospital or this school or this supermarket and if there&#39;s going to be any issues at all I don&#39;t want to be a part of it do you know what they&#39;re saying I have no commitment that&#39;s all that means I have no commitment to working through a situation that is less than perfect hey we uh we recently had a a conversation with brother Nori Muhammad yes sir and we were talking about how we live in a commitment lless Society we do and it&#39;s impacting relationship tremendously I&#39;ll give you one implication I&#39;ll give you a long-term implication to this consistent war between the genders and our community more and more elders and as we become Elders are going to spin their Golden Years by themselves and nothing bothers me more than when I see an elder living alone because when they transition nobody may know for days you know I see Queen mothers alone I see the Babas alone uh we definitely are not meant to be that way and I think the reason why it&#39;s so easy for us to call it quits on the romance is because our families often do not function as collective either if you look at our families mom might be tight with the daughter dad might be tight with the son but Dad ain&#39;t really don&#39;t really mess with his daughter mom don&#39;t really mess with a son Mom and Dad have their issues it&#39;s almost like everybody&#39;s renting space in the home but we don&#39;t function like a family remember if you were not exposed to it you will not value it so a lot of these people who are saying I&#39;m so quick to walk away from a potential love with my opposite sex I don&#39;t need it I don&#39;t care about it I&#39;m just going to focus on me there&#39;s no value there and the reason there&#39;s no value here because you never experienced that in a healthy fashion as a child and that&#39;s why it&#39;s a double- Ed sword because on the one hand I don&#39;t want unhealthy men and unhealthy women coming together because they&#39;re going to make more unhealthy children which is going to lead to more unhealthy podcast on the one hand I don&#39;t want them coming together on the other hand if they don&#39;t come together they never work through the conflicts and contradictions to see that love can happen so it&#39;s a double eded sword because on the one hand you&#39;re a spiritual vampire don&#39;t nobody really need to be messing with you anyway but on the other hand if you give it a chance you might see that it&#39;s possible and you might be one of the ones that went through [Music]

Transcript for:Descentering Men Movement and Relationship Dynamics

Transcript for:
Descentering Men Movement and Relationship Dynamics