hey everybody Welcome to the channel and today's video we're going to talk about the truth behind no contact so before we get into the video make sure you drop a like subscribe hit that notification Bell let's get into this so here's the truth behind no contact and this is what we've seen with gentlemen that kind of come to our programs and say that they initiate this at first but realized it really wasn't going to be any solution to the problem and it just created more problems to begin with now in order to understand what no contact is is we're just basically going to go kind of over a brief definition this is really a tactic that men and people in general use women use this too you can think of it as kind of like the silent treatment and kind of like where it also stems from this is basically a tactic that people use to give their spouse or any person in a relationship bace right now a lot of people use this as as a way to avoid certain issues certain hard to talk about topics that they just don't want to kind of confront now what this really does is it kind of creates this Gap and it allows a lot of resentment to boil underneath a lot of um just negativity to boil underneath the surface and we're going to kind of go into why no contact really doesn't work and why I've never seen it successfully done and it kind of creates just more problems than really what it's worth so this time can really extend from days weeks or even months and you just simply don't have any contact with your spouse you barely text them if not you don't text them whatsoever you don't talk to them on the phone you don't send them you know an email you don't send them any funny videos on Instagram or anything like that you have no contact whatsoever really the premise comes from where I added coort it's just really to create distance and it follows this Mantra of absence makes the heart grow fer but that's not really good because when you're in a relationship that's having issues you need to make sure that you're constantly working on the relationship without any pressure but you are working on your best version while your spouse is also working on her best version of herself and you guys are actually coming together making sure that you're working on the marriage and building up I like to look at it as two individuals who are growing separately but together at the same time kind of like how Rising Tides raise All Ships now when you're not working on the relationship together what really can happen is this concrete fear of not being involved with your spouse that's also the kind of per like the purpose of it absence makes the hard grow fer but also you know they're also hoping that whether it's you initiating this or your spouse initiating this that there's kind of like this fear of you know what is the other person doing what are they thinking about me are they not thinking about me so it's kind of like this little game mechanic that's really going on and really it's to also get your spouse to think kind of worry about you as well you know on top of the fear kind of just having them really on the top of your mind but what we've actually found is that when you kind of create this no contact depending on how long it goes because there is also a healthy way of not doing no contact but having space especially if you know tempers and emotions are high but really what this does is it allows your you and your spouse to create a pattern of not needing each other or creating a pattern of getting used to that distance and then there's some deeper stuff that goes into there as well that we're going to get into now the reason why no contact doesn't work it really allows your spouse to be alone thinking and reliving those negative thoughts in their mind now you see men and women when they look at things of the past they look at past events they look at it completely differently men are very logical and chronological thinkers had a client that had a event that happened in his life that kind of affected his home I said the way that you look at that event was flooding whether you saw the house being flooded you saw hey this valve went off this pipe burst water flood here when women look at past events and this is why women bring this up too like when they bring up something in the past and they bring it to your attention when women relive past events they're reliving it on an emotional level they're not just reliving it on a chronological this is what happened this is what happened and this is what happened really what they're doing is they're reliving those emotions mind body and spirit all at once as if they were just transported back there in the first place now the reason why that's important right is because when it comes to this no contact period something that happens is women when they're looking towards what they're projecting how things are going to go if things are ever going to get fixed well they're using those past kind of memories as kind of like T marks like a Memory Bank of hey this is what happened in the past this is probably what's going to happen in the future and so when you allow her to relive all of those negative memories without healing from it shifting from it and then growing together really bonding from it what's really going to happen is she's just going to sit and things are going to be negative negative and she's not going to be able to process through them with you and that's the whole point is to get you guys working on that relationship now this also kind of goes into something a little bit deeper it reinforces that you don't really care about the relationship a lot of issues that we see especially when women get to the point of bringing up divorce bringing up separation is also bringing it to their husband as trying to see them make an everlasting change and really what's happening is your wife is bringing you skepticism of what the future is going to look like based on past events so at you know at the core if you do this no contact what you're really saying is hey I don't care about you know changing the past I'm giving you space but it doesn't ever really work and we'll kind of see what goes from there right when really your wife is coming to you and saying I have this massive distrust and this massive skepticism and I would like to work this through with you now emotions fly and I know people say all types of different things but you know when it comes to no contact you don't want to gfy it now there are core reasons there's multiple there's multiple stages that where kind of the bleeding in the relationship happens now we're just going to talk about the main one for the no contact one of the core reasons that really affects you and your wife during this whole process no contact is your wife wife's not feeling secure in the relationship now women have a based evolutionary need men have based evolutionary needs but one of women's base evolutionary needs right is security and no contact threatens that security within the relationship you know you can really see that if you initiate no contact or bring up that you want some space and then your wife completely flips script and she packs her bags and leaves we've seen that happen with clients and when when it comes to that point is because if you trace it all the way back you go back to where the beding first began and then you kind of draw it to the point of where you're at and that moment where she left after you tried to initiate this separation or no contact or some space you were really threatening that deeper sense of security that she once held within the relationship and you know another reason is at the base end of it because of that security being threatened women can also see this as you playing a game and that's not that's not what we're trying to do here now what you can do instead is you can do what I call creating intent filled space that way there isn't a distance in between you guys with nothing there there's intent as to why it happened so you both can process things and know that you can come back and really talk to each other and have that space filled when you need or want it so so this can look like hey you know I can tell that you're feeling a little overwhelmed you know I completely understand I'm also feeling really overwhelmed by this whole situation or I'm also feeling like you know we kind of need to take a little space from each other and you can say like hey I can tell that you're feeling a little bit overwhelmed I can tell that you're kind of getting a little distant you're getting a little more Angry something like that right you want to fill in that XYZ space I completely understand and I'm feeling pretty mad at this whole situation and I'm trying to work on my anger issues so I'm going to take some time and work on whatever you genuinely truly want to work on on yourself and when you're ready you can let me know it's totally fine totally open to it but if I'm not ready to talk I'll let you know but I'd love for you to be there or come to me when you are ready and hopefully I am too I just feel like this is going to be really important for me to work on so I can be a better man and better husband so on and so forth and I would love for you to come along and improve with me on whatever it could be Fitness it could be anger issues it could be opening up it could be whatever but it has to be something genuine that you are really trying to work on cuz what this does is it does three main things it acknowledge it validates and it takes the pressure off by having the situation Focus solely on yourself cuz remember when a plane is going down you need to put on your own mask before you put on someone else's mask right and so when you say that you're going to be working on this and that when you're ready or like you know your wife is ready you would love for her to come to you and then if you're ready you'll talk to her what that really does is it's letting her know hey there's no like external reason that's beyond what I'm about to tell you of me improving myself this is what I'm doing this to improve myself it's not cuz I'm trying to do no contact it's not you know it's not trying I'm not trying to play games but this is something that I genuinely want to do not only for myself but to really make sure that I am the best version for you the kids so on and so forth so that's what you do instead of no contact that's what no contact is and that's why no contact at the end of the day it really doesn't work it's not helping the relationship at all and so in order to really make sure that you're growing in your relationship even when it's having struggles even when it's going through a tumultuous time and then things seem hopeless remember there's always hope and you want to make sure that you are the best version of yourself so that you can lead your relationship and how it needs to be so if you guys found any useful information in this video please drop a like subscribe and comment down below and if you would like to know a little bit more in depth about what we do over here at the heroic husband you can always find us on Facebook or you can go to the link in the description and you can get our book really understand what goes into to our whole heroic husband method and our three-step Elm method as well you guys have a going on bye