imagine the dinner party of my nightmares somehow I've ended up at a table where the main course is awkward silence the appetizers were a platter of unsolicited opinions I've got a horrible feeling that dessert is not going to be much more fun communication is the central component of feeling connected and close to other people and in particular it's the key to successful relationships now more specifically the type of communication is what makes relationships engaging so if at one end of the table someone is is trying really hard to stir up a riveting conversation about the best time of year to grow oines and next to you is someone who's been glued to his phone the entire evening and has skillfully ignored any attempt at small talk it's going to be a really rough dinner so welcome to this Feast I've prepared it's a feast of understanding communication Styles and in particular the family communication patterns theory that attempts to explain why as adults we communicate the way that we do so if you've ever wondered why your partner needs to run every decision by their family first or if you've got that friend who is always ready to debate every little idea or suggestion you make you might want to watch on because it could all be to do with the patterns they picked up in their family and by the end of this video you'll discover whether you're dating a harmonizer a Trailblazer a guardian or a Maverick and maybe which one you're most likely to be to these are all broad communication profiles of adults and these commun communication profiles stem from their family of origin you can think of your family Dynamics as the source that you've simmered in throughout your early years and you can't help but leave that somewhat infused by those flavors if we've not met yet my name is Oliver and I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist here in Los Angeles and I love working with families parents and couples and I found that understanding family communication patterns theory is like having a recipe book in my therapeutic kitchen it kind of helps me see how a dish was prepared and what tweaks might need to happen to make it more delicious for someone we'll see in a bit that there's four signature dishes of family communication styles that influence how we communicate as adults and how those four different types of family create these adult profiles first of all we have this harmonizer harmonizers are the diplomats when it comes to communication they're the type of person who will openly discuss their thoughts and feelings but will also strive to keep keep everyone happy as a child they were raised in a household where conversations flowed freely but where family Rules were held as sacred as Grandma's secret cookie recipe Trailblazers are independent free spirits who aren't afraid to Mar to the beat of Their Own Drum or just start a whole new band really it means that they're super comfortable voicing their opinions even if it means ruffling a few feathers they grew up in a family where the dinner table is a forum for open debate where no topic is off limits and where individuality is celebrated and even encouraged our third dish is the guardian they value tradition order and loyalty they're the ones who always know the company policies by heart and might have a color coordinated calendar for household chores they grew up in a household where the rules were clear hierarchy is respected and conversations are more about directives than debates and finally the chef has prepared for you the Maverick this person communicates in a way that reflects their independent upbringing and self-reliance they might communicate though with minimal emotional depth keeping conversations more practical and the point they're typically reserved in sharing their personal thoughts or feelings often because they're not used to engaging deeply with others in emotional exchanges because they grew up in a family where everyone's doing their own thing dinner was a grab andgo Affair and a family meeting was just an alien concept to them I find that some people don't really want to hear that their family or their formative years impact who they are today we tend to think that we've moved on from that but unfortunately you can't possibly be uninfluenced by your caregivers and the home that you were raised in we're just so young that our brains were too malleable that we can't help but absorb messages and patterns from our caregivers you're basically marinating in all those family flavors and it would be impossible after 18 years or so to to come out squeaky clean so your family does influence you and there's two basic flavors that we unconsciously absorb when it comes to communication but instead of them being salt and pepper we call them conversation orientation and Conformity orientation and just like spices it's easy to put in too much or too little and that really changes the way that we talk and connect with others today but also in our family conversation orientation imagine this as the openness of the kitchen in your family home was it a bustling open space where everyone could chat freely well whipping up dishes and cooking together or was it a closed off room where only the head chef stirs the pot and everyone just waits to be served and you can think of this as being on a spectrum you can be high or low or somewhere in between High conversation orientation families are like those Lively cooking shows where everyone has a say and maybe the audience participates too family members talk a lot silence is aw award and usually filled with someone's latest anecdote but feelings are shared openly in these families open frequent and spontaneous communication is the norm no topic is off limits from your opinions on pineapple on Pizza to your existential dread about turning 30 everyone's opinions are valued even if they're different or diverging but on the flip side low conversation orientation families are more like a quiet library where everyone's engrossed in their own book conversations are brief into the point there's usually an avoidance of in-depth personal topics especially topics that involve feelings communication is just limited and it tends to stick to the basic so you can think of it as a menu with only the Staples no specials if conversation orientation is the salt then the pepper is Conformity orientation this is all about how much your family values sticking to the recipe versus improvising or being creative high Conformity orientation family are like traditional Bakers they know that deviating from the recipe could result in a collapsed sule there's a strong emphasis on uniformity and attitudes values and beliefs obedience and adherance to the family Norms are the top priority there's not much room for individuality parents set the rules and children are expected to follow them with no questions asked but more importantly family Unity is key and everyone is expected to uphold the same standard um disagreements are swept under the rug to maintain Harmony on the other hand low Conformity orientation families are the culinary adventurers recipes are just suggestions experimenting is encouraged individuality and personal expression are valued over strict adance to family Norms there's a tolerance for diverse opinions differing viewpoints are welcomed and debated each person is encouraged to make their own choices there's much more flexibility in rules guidelines exist but they're open to interpretation and suggestions now if you put these two axes together you get my favorite thing in the world a quadrant and each of those character types that we talked about at first is a stereotype of a different section of this quadrant so as we move forward and I describe these four family types take a moment to reflect where does your family fall on these axes has your family communication style influenced the way you to has your family communication style influenced the way you interact with others today and do you find yourself repeating these patterns in your own relationships the first quadrant is the consensual family it's high conversation High conformity in this family it's like everyone contributes to the meal but the head shft often the parent has the final say on what exactly is served for instance while everyone might wait in on trying a new vacation spot the family will often stick to their EST Lish routine like taking the annual road trip or going to the same vacation spot this balance between openness and shared values Fosters a sense of Harmony where family members feel heard but core Traditions remain really important the pluralistic family is high conversation low Conformity so think of the pluralistic family as a potluck where each person brings their own dish conversations are free flowing individuality is celebrated differing opinions are welcomed and there's no pressure to conform this creates an environment where personal growth and diverse perspectives are explored and appreciated the protective family is low conversation High Conformity when a protected family the dinner menu is decided by the head chef with little or no room for debate at all communication is more limited and decisions are typically made by the Parents Without much input from the children family members are expected to adhere to established norms and traditions and rules questioning or challenging these decisions is often discouraged or not allowed at all so the focus here is on maintaining structure and order with a clear hierarchy that guides family interactions the less a fair family is low conversation low Conformity the less a fair family is like everyone making their own meals whenever it suits them and not really sitting down at the dinner table together interaction is really minimal here the family members operate largely independently of one another there's little emphasis on shared values or unity in decisions are often made without consulting other people that means that each person tends to do their own thing and there's little expectation of frequent Communications or close-knit family Dynamics My Hope here is that once you understand how different communication can be in different households you might have more empathy or understanding of yourself and your own limitations and perhaps more importantly if you're in a relationship understanding where your partner is coming from and what they struggle with so let's look at what dating each of these four types looks like if you're dating a harmonizer remember that they grew up in families where open communication is key but family values and traditions are really important they're going to stick to the recipe right they're going to be reliable but going to conform to the rules a lot of misunderstandings with the harmonizer can arise when their need to balance personal desires with family expectations becomes a conflict and it's seen as indecision or hesitation so you might suggest a spontaneous trip they might hesitate feeling the need to check in with family or perhaps it doesn't Vibe with who they are or how they've grown up and you might have conflict about that so the red flags with dating a harmonizer include over Reliance on family approval like every decision has to be run through a committee or every decision has to follow the rules but there's a lot of good points about dating a harmonizer um excellent communication skills there's a genuine effort to keep the relationship harmonious they're going to talk about their feelings they're going to be open their growth points though involve practicing more independent decision making perhaps being more spontaneous and you can support their autonomy without dismissing their family values if you're dating a Trailblazer this is an independent thinker from the pluralistic family and dating a Trailblazer is a bit of an adventure remember they grew up encouraged to express their opinions freely and challenged the status quo so dating the Trailblazer could be spicy it's going to be filled with vibrant conversations full of fresh ideas and very unique perspectives misunderstandings can arise when their eagerness to debate things feels like they're always challenging you rather than supporting you for them Lively discussions are a way to connect deeply and aren't actually about challenging you red flags might show up when their independent thinking leads them to push boundaries without considering your comfort level that this is just what they are used to but they are open-minded and encouraging and will want to support their partner's growth and development if they have a limitation that they need to work on it's going to be learning to recognize when a debate is not necessary and you can feel free to set boundaries and push back when it's appropriate my top tip for you would be to embrace their enthusiasm for exploration while setting boundaries when necessary and that can really help strengthen your connection and stabilize things a bit so let's talk about they grew up in the protective family dating a guardian can feel like stepping into a classic oldw World Bakery there's Conformity to tradition reliability but sometimes the menu doesn't change that much they may not be used to sharing feelings openly which can lead to a lot of misunderstanding and of course emotional disconnect so you might express your feelings and get a lukewarm response it's not that they don't care it's just they're very uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability so red flags for dating a guardian could involve avoidance of conflict or even passive aggressive behavior when their needs aren't met or they don't know how to articulate certain feelings but on the positive side they're very loyal reliable um and they are committed to providing stability their growth point is to improve vulnerability and emotional communication and you can help with that by creating a safe space where you don't react or overreact to their feelings and finally we have the Maverick that's the lone wolf from the l a fair family dating a maveric is like dining with a chef who prefers to cook alone without recipes or rules they are fiercely independent self-sufficient which can be both intriguing and challenging they may not be able to engage in deep conversations or check in regularly uh especially about their feelings which can lead to a lot of emotional disconnect it's not that they don't care it's just that they simply value quality over quantity in their interactions and we never taught really how to talk about their feelings misunderstandings arise when their need for autonomy is mistaken for some aloofness or a lack of emotional investment and taken to an extreme this can be a red flag because it might be a reluctance to commit to Shared plans or future goals and a general tendency to withhold emotionally but green flags are that they're going to respect your Independence and your ability to bring New Perspectives to the table they are going to be creative thinkers growth points for the Maverick include learning to engage more regularly with their Partners needs for connection and for you it's respecting their need for space but also expressing your desire for more consistent engagement and more emotional communication all right so I really hope that by recognizing the communication styles that are shaped by our families we can navigate misunderstandings in our relationships with more empathy and patience and just like adjusting a dish to suit both your tasted does require a balance of compromise but most importantly a lot of understanding we have to know our partner's past to understand who they are now no relationship is perfect from the start it does take time and effort and willingness to grow together so whether you're a harmonizer a Trailblazer a guardian or a Maverick or a mix of them or no matter who you're dating there's always going to be room to strengthen your connection so the next time you're puzzled by your partner's reactions take a moment to consider their background what did they miss out on while growing up understanding where they came from can completely transform a relationship dynamic because you have more empathy and more understanding of their limitation it when you understand their family of origin and how they communicate today it can turn potential conflict into an opportunity for deeper connection it happened just the other week in my office when I helped two people understand it happened just the other week when I helped two people in my office understand that their backgrounds when it came from what their families modeled really influenced who they are today they left my session feeling much more empathy and much more understanding for each other so I would love to hear your thoughts on this do you recognize yourself or your partner in any of these descriptions or profil how have you understood your partner's communication Styles in uh in regards to their family tell me in the comments below don't forget to hit that like button subscribe for more relationship insights so try and post a video a week I'm all about building healthier happier relationships and love sharing what I know with people and don't forget to and come back from more if you want to know how to grow great relationships