Hello There to Begin This Episode I want you to take a trip back in Time with me There's A Laboratory There scientists and There are rats I Want you to imagine that there's A rat in a cage ? There's a lever in The cage Every Time this rat pushes the lever a Pellet of Food is Released Obviously After doing This for a Time The scientists Become Curious What happens if When the rat pushes the lever no Pellet Comes out Eventually the rat Loses [interests] Goes on to Preoccupy Itself With other Things What do These Two experiments Have in Common ? There's Consistency in Terms of the Pattern that the rat Perceives Either They Push the lever and A Pellet Comes out Which is Consistency Or they push the lever and A Pellet Doesn't Come out Which is also Consistency This Consistency Is Referred to as Continuous reinforcement So Naturally the scientists Became Interested What happens if We create Inconsistency in The Experiment what happens if When the rat pushes the lever? Occasionally and Randomly and Unpredictably The Pellet Comes out They Assumed That eventually the rat Would become so Frustrated that it Would lose interest with the lever in fact the exact Opposite occurred The Rat Became Absolutely Anxiously obsessed With the lever it kept Pressing on it and Pressing on it it Had Created an Addiction in fact to the lever Surprise So what happens if After introducing the intermittent reinforcement of that Pellet Coming out when the rat pushes the lever only Occasionally if The Pellet Stopped Completely Surely The rat Would lose interest then no the Opposite occurred If The Rat Received Random Pellets Once The Pellet Stopped Completely the rat Remained Completely Obsessively Controlling Over That lever it Basically Became so Incredibly Addicted to that Regardless of Whether was getting Nothing at all? It Neglected its Grooming Habits and Its health Deteriorated Completely Wow This Told Us something About Reward and Behavior This rat was engaged in an Intermittent reinforcement Experiment Now intermittent Reinforcement Refers to much more Than Just this Scenario Where A reward is Randomly Unpredictably and Inconsistently given for the sake of This Episode We're Going to assume that Intermittent reinforcement Applies the things you want that are Only Granted and Consistently Unpredictably and Occasionally But Conversely Intermittent Reinforcement Also Applies to things like Rules and personal Boundaries That are only Enforced Inconsistently Unpredictably and Occasionally This Causes People to become Confused and Either Become Terrified About how to interact With the Person setting the ruler Boundary or To Conversely Push The limits until they get what they want from the Person who is enforcing that Ruler Boundary? Intermittent Reinforcement Creates AdDiction Just Think About Gambling The Addiction to Gambling Rests on the Laurels of intermittent reinforcement When you sit Down at a slot machine You Absolutely Cannot Predict the Pattern in Which [the] reward Is going to come you may Think you Can you may be Desperately trying To Figure out that Pattern so that you Can achieve the reward Whatever it. Is that you want or need and Yet you can't? The Desperation That you Feel in The Starvation of not getting that reward Is Completely Relieved in The Moment that you do get that reward In other Words you get the Jackpot or you even Get a random and Minor Reward out of That Slot machine [Oh] Gosh it's Completely Elating it's Amazing to Feel That Feeling This Addiction Is Based on intermittent reinforcement The intermittent Reinforcement Creates Obsession You become owned by the game What We have to wake up to ? Is that some of Us are in Relationships that are Based on intermittent reinforcement in This Kind of Relationship The Things you need like Love are only granted Inconsistently Unpredictably and Occasionally but The fact That They're granted Occasionally Keeps you, hooked you're Owned by the Relationship You build up so much [Despair] and Starvation that when You get a single Scrap the relief you Experience by getting that Scrap Feels like Nirvana and You Begin to chase That Feeling and do Anything you can to get it If You're in This kind of a relationship [you're] Either the scientist tormenting the rat With The Potential of Pellets or you're The rat in The Cage Caught in The Cycle of Torment? No Matter what if You're in an Intermittent reinforcement Relationship You are in an abusive Relationship Abuse is not Usually the Conscious Intent but it is abuse Nonetheless Intermittent Reinforcement Can Happen with Any Need Or want that We have and it is Especially Prevalent in Relationships relative to emotional Needs things like Commitment Things Like Affection Appreciation Closeness A sense of Belonging Some People Fear Intimacy They Fear the closeness that Comes With Relationships They Suffer from Insecure Attachments Especially People who are avoidant or who Experience The avoidant attachment Now here's The Thing if You Fear Intimacy and You have that Panic that Comes Up in Relationships in Terms of Being in Them Then Most Likely the Response, you're going to have to that type of Fear is to try to gain Control back, over the relationship So on A conscious Level you're not trying to be abusive but on the Subconscious Level the aspect of you is being abusive because what It's doing Is Occasionally Giving out what your Partner wants so that you Can guarantee [that] They're Going to behave in the way you need Them to behave you're Intermittently Reinforcing your Partner They have, no idea that you're doing This your Partner Ends Up at your mercy Desperate for the occasional Closeness that you grant Let's Give you an Example of This a man Spends a wonderful night with A woman Talks To her Connects On A deep Level one Day and then the next he doesn't return her Phone calls Acts like They're Strangers and Pulls away Then Randomly is able to connect again Especially When he Senses her Pulling away However for some People Intermittent Reinforcement Is my more Intentional this is Especially True for people who Fall Into the Category that Psychologists Would Call A personality Disorder Things like Borderline or Narcissistic Sociopath E4 These People Control Is Deliberate on Top of other Emotionally abusive Tactics like gas Lighting They Give or Withhold Certain Needs from Their Partner granting them Either Randomly Enough To develop an Addiction in Their Partner or giving Them in Response to the exact behavior they want to See in Their Partner an Example of this is A woman who refuses to Make love to her Husband Unless he Cuts off A Relationship With His Family Or a man who beats his wife or emotionally abuses her but whom Occasionally Says I'm sorry and Takes her on A wonderful Date and Buys her What She's Been Wanting for Months Keep in Mind That intermittent reinforcement Can Be much more Insidious and Hard to recognize Than These rather blatant examples in These Kinds of Relationships the Person often Begins the Relationship Giving The other Person what They need Giving the Pellets and Then Inconsistently Giving Them and Then Eventually Withdrawing all of the reinforcement now what happens When They Withdraw all of the reinforcement Is? That The Person Remembers That Period of Time Where They Experienced intermittent reinforcement and Because They've Become Accustomed to Periods of Time Where They Were not getting any of the Reinforcement not Getting Any of the things They need Except for that they learned in the past that it did Eventually occasionally sometimes Come They Remain Hooked Regardless of The fact That They are being Starved to Death They Are hooked on the Hope that they will get what they want? They Push Harder Than Ever for the closeness That They Occasionally got in the Past but May in fact Never get again Intermittent Reinforcement Creates A Starvation Within The being it Puts a Person who Is in Charge of the reinforcing in A Position of Complete and absolute Control You will Always See intermittent reinforcement Present in an abusive Relationship [because] [it] is the most Powerful Modality of Control that you [Can] Have over another Physical Human These Relationships That Involve Intermittent Reinforcement are The very Most difficult Relationships to Walk away from why Because They're Not Relationships They're Addictions When A relationship is Addictive your Body is Addicted [to] the chemicals that are Produced Within Itself and Getting away from the Relationships means that you have to withdrawal from Those chemicals Just like you Would from an actual Street drug So what happens a person doesn't get out of it just like an Addict They Stay in the Relationship Absolutely Obsessively Trying To Figure out How to create the Conditions that Enable Them to get what they need in Other Words This Person will Stay in the Relationship? Deteriorating Desperately Trying to Figure out the Pattern of Reinforcement so They Can Control the Conditions of the Relationship so they can get in Need what they want from Their Partner to come out Consistently Mixing The Analogies for Example if I notice that I don't get any Pellets When This Certain friend of mine is around then I will get Rid of the friends so I can get the Pellets from my Partner The Person on the Receiving end of the intermittent Reinforcement May Change everything about Themselves and Lose Themselves Completely so as to do this You've all Known This Person in your life they get Into A relationship Suddenly They Stop Coming Around It's almost like you're Watching them Beti right before your eyes, They're Turning Into a shell of a Person They're Changing All the Things They used to like and Love They're Essentially Mirroring Exactly How Their Partner wants Them to behave Here's Another Example of Intermittent reinforcement Take a man with [a] wife who Flies Into A rage and Makes him Sleep in Another Room for Days When he Does not Do Exactly what she wanted him to do the man has to try Anything to gain Back her Closeness Eventually Either Randomly Or if he finds the right Thing to Do She May grant him the closeness that he Wanted By doing this She has trained Him to behave in the way that she wants him [to] behave He is so relieved by her Closeness Because his Starvation is Satiated he Experiences The love for her as Much more intense he Thinks he Must Really, Really Love her Simply Because of the Intensity of the Relief of being Close to her again Subsequently He will alter Himself Completely to Avoid The Potential punishment again and Maintain the closeness he Needs From her He will try to Make the Relationship as Predictable as Possible for Himself for the sake of his Own Safety for the Sake of insuring his Own Needs will be met What on the other Side of Addiction? Something You are desperate to Avoid This Is why Addiction so incredibly difficult to get away from The Minute you Let go of Whatever it is you're Addicted to you fall Into what you? Were Trying to get away from as it Applies to a relationship [this] can be things like a Feeling of Unsafety A? Feeling of Not Belonging Feeling of Isolation Feeling of Emptiness and Those are The Kinds of Things you have to face when You get out of an addictive Relationship if We put up with Intermittent reinforcement [in] our Adult Relationships it Is [a] guarantee that We experienced intermittent Reinforcement in our Earliest? Relationships Think Back to Mom and Dad Especially the Most influential Adult Figures in your Childhood Let's Just pretend We lived in A world where law of Attraction Didn't exist let's pretend that you Could have Consistency in Your Relationships as A child and line Up Somehow as an Adult With Inconsistency in your Relationships you Wouldn't put [up] with it for Three and a half Seconds you Would end Up getting Frustrated with the intermittent reinforcement you'd Be like Screw this Dude I know what it's like to [be] on the other Side of Consistent reinforcement Peace out So why, do, We put up with it because based on our Earliest relationships we learned that this Is how love Should Feel? You Spend your life Lining up With Inconsistent Partners and Trying Desperately to do Anything you Can to Make them consistent Because This Is in fact what you needed from your Parents you're Trying to solve These Old wounds you're Trying to Make your? Inconsistently Loving Partner Into The Loving and Consistent Parent you always Wanted Take a look at the People in your Early life Did Any of Them meet your Needs Especially emotional Needs only in Consistently Unpredictably and Occasionally I'm going to tip you off To a really Really Covert Pattern often The Parent that We Feel the closest to and the most Affection for that We always want Desperately in Love is the one Who in Fact Practiced Intermittent reinforcement with Us? So a lot of Times We Look back and We have one Parent who's the demonized Parent, We find that the intermittent reinforcement? May Have come from them, also but often Came from The One that, We have Such an Incredibly Strong Intense Bond and tie to the one We want if You are in an intermittent reinforcement Relationship There is Absolutely no Middle Ground Consistency Is the only Answer it's the only Way to actually live a healthy, life Within the context of This Relationship To live in A healthy Relationship you have to have Consistency you have to have Consistency to develop Emotional [Security] Within A relationship and so Either you develop Security or? You Remain Miserable for the rest of your life or you cut that Person Loose So i'm just going to be Really super Blunt with you Either you have a Partner Who's willing to Work Towards Consistency With you and to create it in the Relationship or? You're With a partner [who] has Absolutely no Intention of This and whose Intention Is in fact to Control you Completely They Have no Intention of Changing This Pattern Because it serves Them to Stay in Control and Keep you the rat in the cage with its Paw Obsessively on the lever so [they] Can ensure That Their Needs are met if you are with This kind of Partner you have Reason to be Afraid you Cannot trust them because They in fact Intend Either Consciously or Subconsciously to Betray your best interests for Their Own Aim Which is to Control you This Desire To Control you, also has its Roots in Trauma but before you fall Into the codependent Pattern of Thinking you can Heal Them it must be Known that it is Highly [Unlikely] that Anyone Least of all you will [be] able to do this Because Controlling You Benefits Them it's how They avoid Their Own Shadows the Only Person who Can Decide To face Their Own Shadows is the Person Themselves You're Never Going to get Somebody to do this and I will Tip you off that if You're in The kind of? Relationship With a Person who Practices Intermittent reinforcement [who] has no Intention of Stopping it because it serves Them They will Tell you that They're interested in Facing Their Own Shadows Because Telling you they're interested in Facing Their Own Shadows Is in fact the intermittent reinforcement They Have no Intention of Facing Their Own Shadows it's Just that telling you that they're going [to] Is The Pellet it serves to Keep you hooked If You're in This Kind of Relationship the Time has Come to realize that you have Been Investing in Your Belief in Something you hope will Happen and not in your Observation of what has Actually happened Nourishing the Hope Preserves The Status Quo and you are in A [relationship] with the Fantasy this Is not Conscious Creation This Is in fact A form of Denial Now Remember How Earlier I said That intermittent reinforcement is A bit more Complicated Than Just Involving Rewards it also Involves People who don't Keep Boundaries Or rules Consistently This is the role if You're on the Receiving end of an Intermittent reinforcement that you have to play the reality Is is that you don't Keep your boundaries Consistently? Instead You treat your boundaries like Gambling Chips You're Willing to Give them away in Return for something you want and This May Seem Benign but it's in fact your Own Control tactic you're Trying to gain Control over getting what you want By Giving something, away in Other Words it's a control Dynamic on Both Sides so you have to get Clear About your Boundaries This Relationship Cannot be Transactional and Be Healthy at the same Time Once you're Clear About your boundaries you have to be very Consistent about them To Understand more About Boundaries Watch my Video Titled how to develop Healthy Boundaries so to reiterate if You're in A relationship With Somebody who is willing to create? Consistency in The Relationship who [isn't] just Saying that as A form of Intermittent reinforcement Then Here is what you have to do One They have to be Willing to be Consistently Granting of your Needs Within the relationship They Have to Respond Regardless of The fact that They don't Feel like Responding For Example I may not Feel like getting close to you Even Though I know it's what you need me to do and what the health of Relationship Requires of me I Have to do it Anyway on Top of that I have to look at the aspect of me That is Causing me to not want to respond in [That] Way? Knowing that I have to get Close and that closeness is the key to the making This Relationship Healthy Let's Address the aspect of me that is Saying, don't get Close Pull away [Too] and [here] Is the most important Part [because] Chances Are if you're [Watching] this Video you're on the Receiving end of the instrument and Reinforcement Relationship you need to Really be Clear About your Boundaries and Keep them 100% That Means know, who you are Stick to [your] likes stick to your Dislikes stick to your values stick to your interests and stick to yes Versus no when you Say no it means, no don't give in Never Make Threats in The Relationship Unless you are 100% Willing to Follow Through with Them never Make Promises Unless you are 100% Willing to Keep them stop Nagging and Begging your Partner if They are not giving you what you need even After You Have Told them what you need go get it Elsewhere Decide Exactly how much you are willing to put Into the Relationship before Walking away Be as consistent With your true Self as you Possibly can [so] [there] is no room for Manipulation from the other Person if You're at the Point Where you [are] Ready and Willing to be Honest With Yourself that you're in fact in A Relationship With a Person who Practices Intermittent reinforcement but who has no actual Intention of Changing You get to Ask Yourself Whether you want to Stay in A relationship Where this quite literally is the way it will be For the duration of As long as you are with This Person or? Whether you are Ready to cut your losses and Walk away No I want you to beware of something if You are with a partner who Practices Intermittent reinforcement They Are immediately Going to Shift when you Walk away? They're Going to Transform Magically Into Exactly The Kind of Person you wanted them to be it Is an Illusion This Illusion Is in fact The Pellet it is yet Another Form of Intermittent Relationship reinforcement and What happens the Minute you get Back Into the Relationship and The Minute you Commit again? That Illusions Going away, They're going to Withdraw The Pellet, they're going to go right back to doing what they Were Always doing to Begin with it is extremely difficult to move Past This Relationship because it Is not A Relationship it Is an Addiction [You] will go Through Withdrawals From the chemicals That your own Body Produces and Fall Into the very Thing You're Trying to Avoid by Engaging in This Relationship Just like a street, Drug Addict When they choose to quit using so Don't be Hard on Yourself if it feels like you've Lost Yourself in the Relationship and if it Feels like your life falls apart by Leaving Them Surround Yourself With supportive [People] who are open To understanding the difficult Dynamic of Addictive Relationships and Whom don't Unfairly Expect you Should just get Over Them as if you Can Flip a switch If you Manage to Break free from this Kind of Relationship it will Feel like you have Exited an Alternate Reality it will Feel like you have Come out of A fog it will Feel like you have no [idea] who the hell you are but as Time Goes on you [will] feel as [if] you Have Found Yourself Again like you were Lost and Now you have come [back] [I] Can Promise you that even Though in The Beginning it May Feel Absolutely Horrible [to] get out of This Relationship It will be the Best Thing you could Have Possibly done if you need Help with A Breakup Watch my Video on [YouTube] Titled how to survive a Breakup and/or Heartbreak Intermittent Reinforcement Within A relationship is the most powerful Motivator on Earth it is the most Powerful way to manipulate Another Person it is what Keeps you hooked Intermittent Reinforcement is so often the Reason why We cannot Create any Kind of Stability and emotional Security Within our Relationships and why? We cannot leave Relationships when They are A direct affront to our sense of Well-Being? So if You notice that you are in This Kind of Relationship Congratulations You've Made The first step the first step is We have to become aware that, We are in an Intermittent reinforcement? Relationship the Next Step is We have to change it Have A good Week