hi guys and welcome back to season 3 of self-obsessed I hope you've all been well and you've been implementing all of the advice you've learn in the last 6 weeks during our season break but it is time to get back down to work and we are kicking off the first episode of season three with a bang one thing I've massively learned in my self- Lov and growth journey is that self- Lov does not require the absence of loving others building relationships of all kinds is such a big part of life and unfortunately that took me a lot of time to realize I had to go from hyper Independence on my self- Lov journey to being my best self while allowing myself to be loved in a safe way so that I could really Thrive instead of forcing myself to isolate and depriving myself of creating bonds with others and growing through those relationships isolation can be beneficial in many situations but it can also get to a point where it's literally just a trauma response that is holding you back and we are going to dissect that while also explaining how you can live in your love aill era while also focusing on your goals and being your best self as always this podcast episode will be split into a few different chapters just so this can be as concise as possible and be super clear in providing value in the first chapter me and my boyfriend are going to talk about this hyper independent mentality because we feel that whenever people talk about being independent in a relationship it's always coming from the point of view of how to stop being codependent we want to talk about what isn't talked about very often which is what about when you're hyper independent what about when you're afraid of opening up to someone what about when you're you kind of have this toxic mentality of I'm so focused on myself that I'm not going to let anybody in chapter number two we're going to be talking about growing through the dating stage this is when you're in the talking stage when you're getting to know someone you have all of these butterflies and you're trying to find the balance between letting them into your life while not allowing this new obsession and attraction to derail you on the Journey of achieving your goals chapter three will discuss growing through life and love this is when you're in a relationship ship when it's been a few years when you are building a life together what if you're married how the hell are you going to navigate solo dates and being your own person when you're literally living with someone else so before we get into it be sure to check out the description below this podcast episode where you can check out the self-obsessed Instagram page for daily inspo you can pre-order my book which is now available worldwide you can check out both my YouTube channels and also my Facebook where you can now join the self-obsessed society Group which I set up in the season break and this is where you guys can talk to each other interact with me and make friends okay let's get into it chapter number one let's talk about this whole I don't need anyone hyper independent mentality and it's really important to talk about this because we have both experienced this before we even met each other so I would like to pass over the mic to my boyfriend to talk about what was your experience in this and what was your mentality around dating and letting someone into your life before I came into your life so I feel like when growing up I was always trying to fit into the called on child box so with that came a lot of people pleasing and as a result I always tried to hide away my problems any issues just so they saw me as the perfect kid if I had to do anything I'd do it myself had any issues deal it myself that I guess carried on even into my teens and young adult life maybe you wrongly realized that I didn't need need anybody I thought life I can do it by myself I don't need a partner because he was so used to doing everything for himself it didn't feel safe for him to enter a relation ship nor did it feel necessary and I can totally relate I went through my self- Lov journey and I was trying to quit being a Serial data and in doing that it was really great and healthy in the beginning but I kind of went to the extreme where I became a little bit of a manher I'm not going to lie to you I was hella avoidant and I had this newfound love and obsession with going on solo dates and being hella independent and focusing on my work that I kind of completely cut out the dating and stepping outside my comfort zone and being vulnerable and getting to know another person you see I feel like that's where we were different because I was going through the stages of thinking oh I don't need anybody else what's even the point because my future plan or any 5year plan or any future image I had I didn't see a person in that image it was just me I was acting more from a trauma response where I was hyper independent because I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt again and so that's how that was showing up in myself so how did we get out of this hyper independent mentality so me me and my boyfriend were actually a little bit on and off when we were dating and to take complete accountability that was all out to me I was not ready for a relationship my boyfriend's nodding his head right now um I was not ready for a relationship and I knew he was such a good guy but I just wasn't ready to commit because I was still in that Super Hyper independent avoidant kind of space in my life I was really self-obsessed and obsessed with work and I didn't really see the importance in love and relationships whereas you got there pretty quickly once you had found the right person me you yeah and I had to teach myself a lot about the importance of love and so that started with healing my attachment style reading the book attached by Dr Amir LaVine helped a lot by identifying I was an avoidant attachment and moving more towards a secure one but also a book I read called All About Love by B hooks really taught me about the importance of love and being able to balance that while you're working towards your goals I always thought you had to choose one or the other and that's truly not the case and we are going to be breaking that down in the rest of this episode now so let's move on to chapter number two growing through the dating stage when you're really trying to like whine and dine someone how do you find that balance so I balanced texting you pursuing you with my own life I think in the best way I could because I signs from you that you're very independent and you also gave me reassurances at the time but I was also still really hellbent on maintaining my Independence because the main one of the main reasons I didn't want to let people in into my life is because I didn't want to lose my own independence my individuality my free time I don't want to lose myself in a person and that's why I never let people in I just knew I had to stay true to my own beliefs which were maintaining my Independence and because it was working clearly because like I said I was getting reassurances from you conversations were still flowing regardless I think I knew that it was okay yeah and I think the most important thing of what you said there is you already knew and you had already taken the time to figure out who you were without me just like you said a little bit earlier on like guys my boyfriend used to solo travel he was going on solo vacations when we were in our talking stage even before that he was solo dating before I even knew what solo editing was in my personal life like before we knew each other existed yeah he think he's like the founder of it I created you and so I think in this situation it's really important to ask yourself that even if you are dating someone if that situation ended tomorrow how would you feel how would you spend the day knowing that they weren't there to text anymore how do you live and feel now that you're single it's funny you asked that because literally during one of our stages we were off you asked the question how would you continue your life if someone cut you off the day you cut me off I I went out I went peddle boarding with my friends I was out busy occupied where nothing obviously deep down the pain it in your fears deep in my like Tom where you are yeah but I was outside you're outside exactly exactly but in that time like I remember we started speaking again I was like what how did you spent the last three months what you've been up to you like I've done tough M I traveled here I went to this I did this with my friends CL snon like when you're in a work scenario for example your relationship is one part of your life one part it is not your un it is not what your life and feelings and emotions and happiness centers around and it does not belong in every other aspect of your life it's so important to have stuff that's just yours whether that be your career some Hobbies you know having friends that are just yours as well and what links into that is I really want to talk about the importance of work and growth because I'm a firm believer that your dating or relationship life won't work if your life isn't working so for example from my past failed relationships I had no idea what or where I was going at that point in my life and I chose the wrong Partners as a result when you are not aligned to your authenticity or your purpose you were going to end up attracting the wrong people that aligned to the inauthentic or confused version of who you were at that point in your life I met my boyfriend when I was literally in the middle of my self- Lov journey I was doing everything to benefit my mental health and my happiness and my confidence and he met that version of me that's who who I was talking to and that was my highest most authentic self and that's why our relationship has flourished since because I was actually being myself when I met you and you you met me at a time where I was all about growth and work and anything I liked I wasn't trying to mirror him nor was I trying to impress him I was so outspoken about the way I want to live my life and my likes and dislikes we enhanced each other's lives and we we like to use the term the jigsa because it just fits it hasn't we haven't had to force each other to mold into my life or you know make it work it has flowed because we've both been on our own Journeys and doing all things and of course dating and relationships can take a lot of time so I found super flexible healthy habits to be my best friend and I've continued this all throughout our relationship so an example of this is scheduling my week ahead in different time frames doing shorter solo dates at home some weeks and also using productive platforms like lingoda to progress in my goal of learning French whenever I have free time with my complete flexibility as I can book a class at any time of day on any topic so that I'm also balancing the daily phone call that I'm doing with my boyfriend you know making time for dates but also friends and work without having to stay on a rigid schedule I'd like to thank lingoda for sponsoring this episode for those of you who don't know lingoda is an online language learning platform where you can learn English French German Spanish and Italian from the comfort of your own home you can book small group classes where you have lots of opportunities to participate and ask questions and build relationships with your teachers so that you feel safe and supported I actually used to use apps to learn French on my phone but this aspect of lingoda was so surprising to me and how much it helped solidify what you've learned and this is because of the personalized feedback that lingoda qualified teachers are able to give you on your mistakes and areas of improvement as well as encouragement whenever you make progress and I love that I also really really like that it's catered to the students needs everybody learns differently and might even have changing needs throughout learning a language and with lingo does expert curriculum flexible courses and personalized self-learning tools you can fit learning into your life and not the other the way around so that you can balance everything else you've got going on teachers come from all over the globe and together you guys can practice real world language for everyday situations including accents cultural differences expressions and humor guys I studied French in school and that was never covered so this was so important to me when choosing lingoda as the platform for learning French I've actually been taking classes for 6 months now and it's been so great to have something fulfilling to do all on my own while of course being the best girlfriend I possibly can and committing time equally to all aspects of my life so you guys can also use lingoda by using the link below this podcast episode in the description where you will get up to 25% of all course Types on lingoda and continuing with work I also feel like we had to communicate really clearly about how we were going to handle that so we could actually maintain our independence this isn't just something that you think about and then you just go ahead and do communication even in the talking stage is so important and we did a lot of it for me to show up for you or even myself I have to put myself are first and I still do and you still do the relationship as a whole is in this situation I think third and then after all of that then you can think about playing everybody else everything whether it's friends family your Wider Circle whatever else can come after that and then lastly to wrap up this chapter I just want to talk about the importance of authenticity and like so unashamedly and confidently being yourself especially as a woman in this situation like we people please so much and we're like yeah whatever you need or like oh okay you can only call me at 2:00 in the morning no no I got work in the morning I got places to be in the morning so either you call me at 10: p.m. or it's a rap alternatively one thing I used to say a lot of the time was I can't call you tonight I'm working late and I wouldn't worry about oh my God what if he's not going to like me what if he's going to you know he's going to get a girl that's more available if you are the type of guy that's going to want a girl that's more available then please go get her cuz then you are not for me my friend DN right and that's what you're going to turn into my friend I like that I like that and yeah you're right probably on our first date I wasn't being my authentic self and that's one of the reasons why you telling me now that yeah I did it you out a little bit you did yeah so he was really shy I was I was I mean can you blame me come on I was trying to you know stay up late later than I should have to call you what changed was I realized that if I wanted to work I have to be my authentic self if you don't show up as your authentic self how long can you keep her for side up for yeah eventually he's going to wear off and that reminds me we used to keep it and we still do this day keep each other so accountable where like it is so easy when you like someone to be like it's okay like I we'll talk really late tonight on the phone of course it's so nice when you're dating somebody but we got to a point where like I would call him out and I'd be like no you know you got to do the work it's fine like I promise you I'm not going to mind go out with your friends please go out today you haven't seen them in a long time he would say that to me all the time he'd be like it's okay please work all weekend if you have to I'm still going to be waiting here for you on Monday and he would constantly reassure me because in past dating scenarios I was made to feel very insecure that I wasn't putting my relationship first but me and my boyfriend have this principle in our relationship and this value that work and our personal growth does come first and so we actually really encourage each other on that and communicate that please you go do you please go hang out with your friends I'm always going to be here because when we do show up for each other we show up you know what I mean so there's nothing to be insecure about when the other person goes off and hangs out with their friends and stuff and even we living together now what's changed nothing we have our working day in our own rooms and I'm so glad you said that because that brings us to chapter number three growing through life and love we're going to talk a little bit about being in a long-term relationship being in love with someone and obviously we now live together as well and how we're kind of navigating Independence because a lot of people do say it gets harder when you live together um I know it's only been a month but I disagree I think we've been killing it honestly we've got our routine onl we wake up when we need to like I'll go to sleep a little bit later if I've got tasks to tend to it's never even something to worry about like we flow so easily because we realize that we are simply two independent beings who are committed to helping each other through our own individual life paths and I think so often we hear so much about you know you you're in a relationship you live with someone you're building a life together you get married you're building a future together and we do agree with that and we we do build a future together and we are building a beautiful life together but we also believe that you're also building your own life I think you have two lives you have the life that you're building with your partner and you have the life that you're building with yourself and they should not be combined cuz you lose yourself and you make somebody else the center of your universe and then who are you without them and I I talk about Detachment a lot and it's this notion that you never know how long something's going to last you don't know if they're going to be in your life tomorrow and you need to know that if this person for whatever reason what if they lived somewhere else for a year because their dream opportunity came up how are you going to live how are you going to feel how are you going to look yourself how are you going to prioritize your happiness without needing them to create it for you and so we look at it even now that we live together that you got your day that you've scheduled and I've got my day that I've scheduled and we have Little Things Incorporated throughout the week where we are focused on our relationship we have our check-ins we have our date nights where we're like how can we grow the relationship how can can we grow together but we are never going to neglect our personal lives we love to help each other we make sure we're reducing each other's suffering we're helping each other's lives go a lot more smooth that and we make sure that we are at our best so that we can show up in the best way to our partnership I think a good example of finding your Independence and maintaining your own routine I actually for myself was actually what I lived out by myself you know molding your life to fit into somebody else we were actually speaking about living together weren't we um maybe maybe a year or two ago two years ago two years ago yeah we were we're a bit eager let's just say that um but then what happened was you moved out by yourself yeah so how was living by often yeah I was so excited for us to live together and we were literally going to jump into it a year ago and then last minute I was like I have the rest of my life to live with you and and once we do I'm never going to have the chance again to just be on my own and experience life on my own and figure out what it's like to live alone and and build that relationship with myself during that and so the last year of living alone like prepping myself to live with you was so important figuring out my own routines how I like to live even the way I wanted to decorate all of that just to make sure that my first experience like living in my dream City or living out from family wasn't with somebody else like I was creating my own kind of template and first experience in that without automatically associating it with another person and so I'm actually really grateful I did that because it kind of created a bit of boundary between us as well where I had my life and you had yours before we built our life together instead of jumping into that mindset straight away as soon as we kind of got together I think for us we found Independence while living together quite an easy task because we're quite organized with maintaining our habits we use the Habit tracker we have our structured up we've got our life documented in our calendars so we know when to schedule our time not only as Independents but for each other we work in two rooms we have our own gym times we have our own we have our own routines for the most part every single evening we have our couple time together we'll have an at home date we'll have an outside like go to a restaurant date we'll always eat dinner at the table together and catch up on our day always and that's that's the key like you said we will do those kind of things with intention and we know that that's the time that's dedicated for each other passing by in the kitchen that doesn't count as quality time even not fine like you see each other but you're still in your work block your work mode yeah you save it for later yeah we're like big Believers that just because you live together doesn't mean you're actually spending time together quality time is built with intention AG so when he plans a date when like if I cook his dinner and I'm let's talk about our day let's check in our relationship how are things going what's working for us what's not working for us yeah you still have to have those conversations and I also want to finish by saying one of the biggest lessons I've learned in being in my first High through relationship is I've learned that your partner cannot be your everything so for example you can't be my therapist right and he he wants to be so badly the face he making right now but like you're my best friend for sure and you're my partner in crime and I love spending so much time with you but for example I can't lean on you to make me happy I have to create my own happiness and you have to create yours and then we come together to share it and I can't come to you with every single problem and expect you to fix it cuz if you're gone for a weekend and I'm really sad I have to navigate my way through that and I have to process those emotions and I think separating your partner is somebody that you are sharing your happiness with you are supporting and you are kind of building a life with away from you have to do my everything and you have to build my confidence really is the correct mindset to have when going on and building this Independence while also loving somebody and having them in your life it's not fair on the person you're giving it to because what if they have got the capacity to be your everything yeah and that brings us to the end of this episode I hope you guys enjoyed it and you got some like actual actionable ideas of kind of things that we incorpor operate in our week to maintain our independence as well as just some inspo and reassurance on how to navigate love and dating while making sure that you're being your best self that you're still in your self-obsessed era while still allowing yourself to experience the love care and support that you deserve girl okay so I will see you same time next week for a brand new episode of self-obsessed season 3 make sure you check out the self-obsessed podcast cuz that's where you'll find out all the info and all of the daily inso please send me a DM on there or on my personal Instagram @ Tam on what you thought of this episode cuz this is crazy this is like a huge step outside of our comfort zone for us and I could not be happier to have the first guest of the season to be the man I love the most love you the most I love you see you bye