[Music] this is a beast man and it's one of those things it goes to bed with you man it wakes up with you there he is it's there all the time how are we doing until you can get a sense on how to control this how to manage it it'll eat you up i was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in college the monster kept building and building and building it finally came to a point where i said i'm not going to it no more this is the first time anybody's seeing you publicly speak since you've come back to the eagles what happened that day the first game against atlanta told my mom i said something's really really wrong me i don't know exactly what it is i said i'm miserable i know my mind isn't right i know my body isn't right so i left i went back home i didn't have any communication with the eagles johnson wrote that he has secretly been battling depression and anxiety for a long time trying to describe that of people that have no clue or what it's like it's very difficult you lose touch of your sense of self you lose touch of what's really going on around you and what we really tend to do is lock up not want to say anything i felt bad for my team but i there were signs this wasn't something that was new to the spur of the moment this was going on for you know months [Music] when my depression anxiety kicks in it's a physical thing i feel it for me i feel it on the left side of my gut and in my heart like um like the world hates me like my world's gonna end when you wake up in the morning you get hit with that weight what are those voices saying to you feels like doom you just want to write you just i just want to run away and not come back kind of thing with a lot of nausea a lot of throwing up every day you threw up every day from this anxiety it got so bad um was really starting to throw up blood nerves really have tremors in my hands this is something i've dealt with for a long time and you know there's obviously there's medications that help with this but a lot of it you can't you can't mask everything how come you never said anything during that because i felt like i was had my stuff i guess temporarily under control i was ashamed to be honest in this league the nfl where it's you know gladiator type sport is something that it's not awesome talked about but it is often felt throughout the league basically talk about it yeah it's got to be talk to me to talk about it but yeah man i was i was living in hell for a long time i thought achievements how i've done on the field was going to make it feel better it only amplified the situation and yeah it's i'm glad i'm sitting here talking about it finally being open about it it's way more oppressive than shutting down a pass rusher for you to sit here something that you were ashamed of and open up and show the world it's okay to not be okay it's okay to talk about because people were fear of judgment i was i'm scared of judgment i mean you look at guys when they get done after a game what do they do first thing you do is go on twitter search your name right that's me i'm talking to myself but that's the world that you kind of need to escape you got to get out of there and and start having a purpose and a why and i guess i didn't know my wife for a while you know it took a lot of time to really focus on myself to get the help i needed and uh to get into a good mindset again give me one final message if you have for people at home watching us right now if you can give them advice because you've now gone through it so you find your most your closest friend family member tell a loved one and if it's two degrees of seriousness there's always there's always help around the corner that's the thing it's not far it's not it's never out of reach and whenever you do this you realize that you have a lot more in common with everybody else around you than you think so that's the best part about all this friday man yeah man appreciate you [Music]