divergent by Veronica Roth narrated by Ty Farnsworth chapter 1 there's one mirror in my house it's behind a sliding panel in the hallway upstairs our faction allows me to stand in front of it on the second day of every third month the day my mother cuts my hair i sit on the stool and my mother stands behind me with the scissors trimming the strands fall on the floor in a dull blonde ring when she finishes she pulls my hair away from my face and twist it into a knot i note how calm she looks and how focused she is she's well practiced in the art of losing herself i can't say the same of myself i sneak a look at my reflection when she isn't paying attention not for the sake of vanity but out of curiosity a lot can happen to a person's appearance at 3 months in my reflection I see a narrow face wide round eyes and a long thin nose i still look like a little girl though sometime in the last few months I turned 16 the other factions celebrate birthdays but we don't it'd be self-indulgent there she says when she pins the knot in place her eyes catch mine in the mirror it's too late to look away but instead of scolding me she smiles at our reflection i frown a little why doesn't she reprimand me for staring at myself so today is the day she says yes I reply are you nervous i stare into my own eyes for a moment today's the day of the aptitude test that will show me which of the five factions I belong in and tomorrow at the choosing ceremony I'll decide on a faction i'll decide the rest of my life i'll decide to stay with my family or abandon them no I say the tests don't have to change our choices right she smiles let's go eat breakfast thank you for cutting my hair she kisses my cheek and slides the panel over the mirror i think my mother could be beautiful in a different world her body is thin beneath the gray robe she has high cheekbones and long eyelashes and when she lets her hair down at night it hangs in waves over her shoulders but she must hide that beauty in abnigation we walk together to the kitchen on these mornings when my brother makes breakfast and my father's hand skim my hair as he reads the newspaper and my mother hums as she clears the table it's on these mornings that I feel guilty for wanting to leave them the bus stinks of exhaust every time it hits a patch of uneven pavement it jostles me from side to side even though I'm gripping the seat to keep myself still my older brother Caleb stands in the aisle holding a railing above his head to keep himself steady we don't look alike he has my father's dark hair and hooked nose and my mother's green eyes and dimpled cheeks when he was younger that collection of features looks strange but now it suits him if he wasn't abnigation I'm sure the girls at school would stare at him he also inherited my mother's talent for selflessness he gave his seat to a sirly cander man on the bus with a second thought the cander man wears a black suit with a white tie cander standard uniform their faction values honesty and sees the truth as black and white so that's what they wear the gaps between the buildings narrow and the roads are smoother as we near the heart of the city the building that was once called the Sears Tower we call it the hub emerges from the fog a black pillar in the skyline the bus passes under the elevated tracks i've never been on a train though they never stop running and there are tracks everywhere only the Dauntless ride them 5 years ago volunteer construction workers from Abnigation repaved some of the roads they started in the middle of the city and worked their way outward until they ran out of materials the roads where I live are still cracked and patchy and it's not safe to drive on them we don't have a car anyway caleb's expression is placid as the bus sways and jolts on the road the gray robe falls from his arm as he clutches a pole for balance i can tell by the constant shift of his eyes that he's watching the people around us striving to see only them and to forget himself cander values honesty but our faction and abnigation values selflessness the bus stops in front of the school and I get up scooting past the canoandor man i grab Caleb's arm as I stumble over the man's shoes my slacks are too long and I've never been that graceful the upper levels building is the oldest of the three schools in the city lower levels mid levels and upper levels like all the other buildings around it it's made of glass and steel in front of it is a large metal sculpture that the Dauntless climb after school daring each other to go higher and higher last year I watched one of them fall and break her leg i was the one who ran to get the nurse aptitude test today I say caleb is not quite a year older than I am so we're in the same year at school he nods as we pass through the front doors my muscles tighten the second we walk in the atmosphere feels hungry like every 16-year-old is trying to devour as much as he can get the last of this day it's likely that we will not walk these halls again after the choosing ceremony once we choose our new factions will be responsible for finishing our education our classes are cut in half today so we'll attend all of them before the aptitude tests which take place after lunch my heart rate is already elevated you aren't at all worried about what they'll tell you i asked Caleb we pause at the split in the hallway where he will go one way toward advanced math and I will go to the other toward faction history he raises an eyebrow at me are you i could tell him I've been worried for weeks about what the aptitude test will tell me abnigation cander aerodite amity or dauntless instead I smile and say "Not really." He smiles back "well have a good day." I walk toward faction history chewing on my lower lip he never answered my question the hallways are cramped though the light coming through the windows creates the illusion of space they're one of the only places where the factions mix at our age today the crowd has a new kind of energy a last day mania a girl with long curly hair shouts "Hey!" next to my ear waving at a distant friend a jacket sleeve smacks me on the cheek then an aerodite boy in blue sweater shoves me i lose my balance and fall hard to the ground out of my way stiff he snaps and continues down the hallway my cheeks warm i get off and dust myself off a few people stopped when I fell but none of them offered to help me their eyes follow me to the edge of the hallway this sort of thing has been happening to others in my faction for months now the Aerodite have been releasing antagonistic reports about abnigation and it's begun to affect the way we relate at school the gray clothes the plain hairstyle and the unassuming demeanor of my faction are supposed to make it easier for me to forget myself and easier for everyone else to forget me too but now they make me a target i pause by a window in the E-wing and wait for the Dauntless to arrive i do this every morning at exactly 7:25 the Dauntless prove their bravery by jumping from a moving train my father calls the Dauntless Helens they're pierced tattooed and black clothed their primary purpose is to guard the fence that surrounds our city from what I don't know they should perplex me i should wonder what courage which is a virtue they most value has to do with metal ring going through your nostrils instead my eyes cling to them wherever they go the train whistle blar the sound resonating in my chest the light fixed to the front of the train clicks on and off as the train hurdles past the school squealing on iron rails and as the last few cars pass a mass exodus of young men and women in dark clothing hurled themselves from the moving cars some dropping and rolling others stumbling a few steps before regaining their balance one of the boys wraps his arm around a girl's shoulders laughing watching them is a foolish practice i turn away from the window and press through the crowd to the faction history classroom chapter 2 the tests begin after lunch we sit at the long tables in the cafeteria and the test administrators call 10 names at a time one for each testing room i sit next to Caleb and across from our neighbor Susan susan's father travels through the city for his job she has a car and drives her to and from school every day he offered to drive us too but as Caleb says we prefer to leave later and would not want to inconvenience him of course not the test administrators are mostly abnigation volunteers although there is an ariodite in one of the testing rooms and a dauntless in another to test those of us from abnigation because the rules state that we can't be tested by someone from our own faction the rules also say that we can't prepare for the test in any way so I don't know what to expect my gaze drifts from Susan to the dauntless tables across the room they're all laughing and shouting and playing cards at another set of tables the ariodite chatter over books and newspapers in constant pursuit of knowledge a group of AMD girls in yellow and red sit in a circle on the cafeteria floor playing some kind of hand slapping game involving a rhyming song every few minutes I hear a chorus of laughter from them as some one is eliminated and has to sit in the center of the circle at the table next to them cander boys make wide gestures with their hands they appear to be arguing about something but it must not be serious because some of them are still smiling at the abnigation table we sit quietly and wait faction customs dictate even idle behavior and supersede individual preference i doubt the ariodite want to study all the time or that every cander enjoys a lively debate but they can't defy the norms of their factions anymore than I can caleb's name is called and in the next group he moves confidently toward the exit i don't need to wish him luck or assure him that he shouldn't be nervous he knows where he belongs and as far as I know he always has my earliest memory of him is from when we were four years old he scolded me for not giving my jump rope to a little girl in the playground who didn't have anything to play with he doesn't lecture me often anymore but I have his look of disapproval memorized i've tried to explain to him that my instincts are not the same as his it didn't even enter my mind to give my seat to the Cinderman on the bus but he doesn't understand just do what you're supposed to he always says it's that easy for him it should be that easy for me my stomach wrenches i close my eyes and keep them closed until 10 minutes later when Caleb sits down again he's plaster pale he pushes his palms along his legs like I do when I wipe off sweat and when he brings them back his fingers shake i open my mouth to ask him something but the words don't come i'm not allowed to ask him about his results and he's not allowed to tell me an abnigation volunteer speaks the next round of names two from Dauntless two from Ariodite two from Amity two from Cander and then from Abnigation Susan Black and Beatatric Prior we get up because I'm supposed to but if it were up to me I would stay in my seat for the rest of the time i feel like there's a bubble in my chest that expands more by the second threatening to break me apart from me inside i follow Susan to the exit the people I pass probably can't tell us apart we wear the same clothes and wear our blonde hair the same way the only difference is that Susan might not feel like she's going to throw up and from what I can tell her hands aren't shaking so hard she has to clutch the hem of her shirt to keep from studying them waiting for us outside the cafeteria is a row of 10 rooms they're used only for the aptitude test so I have never been in one before unlike the other rooms in the school they're separated not by glass but by mirrors i watch myself pale and terrified walking toward one of the doors susan grins nervously at me as she walks into room five and I walk into room six where a dauntless woman waits for me she's not as severe looking as the dauntless woman that I've seen she has small dark angular eyes and wears a black blazer like a man's suit and jeans it's only when she turns to close the door that I see a tattoo on the back of her neck a black and white hawk with a red eye if I didn't feel like my heart had migrated to my throat I'd ask her what it signifies it must signify something mirrors cover the inner walls of the room i can see my reflection from all angles the gray fabric obscuring the shape of my back my long neck my knobby knuckled hands red with a blood rush the ceiling glows white with light in the center of this room is a reclined chair like a dentist's with a machine next to it it looks like a place where terrible things happen don't worry the woman says it doesn't hurt her hair is black and straight but in the light I see that it's streaked with gray "have a seat and get comfortable," she says "my name's Tori." Clumsily I sit in the chair and recline putting my head on the headrest the lights hurt my eyes tori busies herself with the machine on my right i try to focus on her and not on the wires in her hands "why the hawk?" I blurt out as she attaches an electrode to my forehead "never met a curious abnigation before," she says raising her eyebrows at me i shiver and goosebumps appear on my arms my curiosity is a mistake a betrayal of abnigation values humming a little she presses another electrode to my forehead and explains "In some parts of the ancient world the hawk symbolized the sun back when I got this I figured if I always had the sun on me I would be afraid of the dark." I try to stop myself from asking another question but I can't help it you're afraid of the dark i was afraid of the dark she corrects me she presses the next electrode to her forehead and attaches a wire to it she shrugs now it reminds me of the fear I've overcome she stands behind me i squeeze the armrest so tightly the redness pulls away from my knuckles she tugs wires toward her attaching them to me to her the machine behind her then she passes me a vial of clear liquid drink this she says what is it my throat feels swollen i swallow hard what's going to happen i can't tell you that just trust me i press air from my lungs and tip the contents of the violin in my mouth my eyes close when they open an instant has passed but I'm somewhere else i stand in the school cafeteria again but all the long tables are empty and I see through the glass walls that it's snowing on the table in front of me are two baskets in one is a hunk of cheese and in the other a knife the length of my forearm behind me a woman's voice says "Choose." "Why?" I ask "choose," she repeats i look over my shoulder but no one's there i turn back to the baskets what will I do with them choose she yells when she screams at me my fear disappears and severess replaces it i scowl and cross my arms "have it your way," she says the baskets disappear i hear a door squeak and turn to see who it is it's not a who but a what a dog with a pointed nose stands a few yards from me it crouches low and creeps toward me its lips peeling back from its white teeth a growl gurgles from deep in its throat and I see why the cheese would have come in handy or the knife but it's too late now i think about running but the dog will be faster than me i can't wrestle it to the ground my head pounds i have to make a decision if I can jump over one of the tables and use it as a shield no I'm too short to jump over the tables and not strong enough to tip one over the dog snarls and I can almost feel the sound vibrating in my skull my biology textbook said that dogs can smell fear because of a chemical secreted by human glands in a state of duress the same chemical a dog's prey secrets smelling fear leads them to attack the dog inches toward me its nails scraping on the floor i can't run i can't fight instead I breathe in the smell of the dog's foul breath and try not to think about what it just ate there are no whites in its eyes just a black gleam what else do I know about dogs i I shouldn't look at it in the eye that's a sign of aggression i remember asking my father for a pet dog when I was young and now staring at the ground in front of the dog's paws i can't remember why it comes closer still growling if staring into its eyes is a sign of aggression what's a sign of submission my breasts are loud but steady i sink to my knees the last thing I want to do is lie down on the ground in front of the dog making its teeth level with my face but it's the best option I have i stretch my legs out behind me as I lean on my elbows the dog creeps closer and closer until I feel its warm breath on my face my arms are shaking it barks in my ear and I clench my teeth to keep from screaming something rough and wet touches my cheek the dog's growling stops and when I lift my head to look again it's panting it licked my face i frown and sit on my heels the dog props its paws up on my knees and licks my chin i cringe wiping the drill from my skin and laugh you're not such a vicious beast huh i get up slowly so I don't startle it but it seems like a different animal than the one I faced a few seconds ago i stretch out a hand carefully so I can draw it back if I need to the dog nudges my hand with its head i'm suddenly glad I didn't pick up the knife i blink and when my eyes are open a child stands across the room wearing a white dress she stretches out both hands and squeals puppy as she runs toward the dog at my side I open my mouth to warn her but I'm too late the dog turns instead of growling it barks and snars and snaps and its muscles bunch up like cold wire about to pounce i don't think I just jump i hurl my body on top of the dog wrapping my arms around its thick neck my head hits the ground the dog is gone and so is the little girl instead I'm alone in the testing room now empty i turn in a slow circle and can't see myself in any of the mirrors i push the door open and walk into the hallway but it isn't a hallway it's a bus and all the seats are taken i stand in the aisle and hold onto a pole sitting near me is a man with a newspaper i can't see his face over the top of the paper but I can see his hands they're scarred like he was burned and they clench around the paper like he wants to crumple it "do you know this guy?" he asks he taps the picture on the front page of the paper the headline reads "Brutal murderer finally apprehended." I stare at the word murderer it's been a long time since I last read that word but even its shape fills me with dread in the picture beneath the headline is a young man with a plain face and a beard i feel like I do know him though I don't remember now and at the same time I feel like it would be a bad idea to tell the man that well I hear anger in his voice do you a bad idea no a very bad idea my heart pounds and I give Clutch the pole to keep my hands from shaking from giving me away if I tell him how I know the man from the article something awful will happen to me but I can convince him that I don't i can clear my throat and shrug my shoulders but that would be a lie i clear my throat do you he repeats i shrug my shoulders well a shudder goes through me my fear is irrational this is just a test it isn't real nope I say my voice casual no idea who he is he stands and I finally see his face he wears dark sunglasses and his mouth is bent into a snarl his cheek is rippled with scars like his hands he leans close to my face his breath smells like cigarettes not real i remind myself not real you're lying he says you're lying i'm not i can see it in your eyes i pull myself up straighter you can't if you know him he says in a low voice you could save me you could save me i narrow my eyes well I say I set my jaw i don't chapter 3 i wake to sweaty palms and a pang of guilt in my chest i'm lying in the chair in the mirrored room when I tilt my head back I see Tori behind me she pinches her lips together and removes electrodes from our heads i wait for her to say something about the test that it's over or that I did well although how could I do poorly on a test like this but she says nothing just pulls the wires from my forehead i sit forward and wipe my palms off on my slacks i had to have done something wrong even if it only happened in my mind is that strange look on Tori's face because she doesn't know how to tell me what a terrible person I am i wish she would just come out with it that she says was perplexing excuse me I'll be right back perplexing i bring my knees to my chest and bury my face in them i wish I felt like crying because the tears might bring me a sense of release but I don't how can you fail a test you aren't allowed to prepare for as the moments pass I get more nervous i have to wipe off my hands every few seconds as the sweat collects or maybe I just do it because it helps me feel calmer what if they tell me that I'm not cut out for any faction but have to live out on the streets with a factionless i can't do that to live factionless is not just to live in poverty or discomfort is to live divorced from society separated from the most important thing in life community my mother told me once that we can't survive alone but even if we could we wouldn't want to without affection we have no purpose and no reason to live i shake my head i can't think like this i have to stay calm finally the door opens and Tori walks back in i grip the arms of the chair sorry to worry you Tori says she stands by my feet with her hands in her pockets she looks tense and pale beatatrice your results were inconclusive she says typically each stage of the simulation eliminates one or more of the factions but in your case only two have been ruled out i stare at her two i ask my throat is so tight it's hard to talk if you had shown an automatic distaste for the knife and selected the cheese the simulation would have led you to a different scenario that confirmed your aptitude for AMD that didn't happen which is why AMD is out tori scratches the back of her neck normally the simulation progresses in a linear fashion isolating one faction by ruling out the rest the choices you made didn't even allow Cander the next possibility to be ruled out so I had to alter the simulation to put you on the bus and there your insistence upon dishonesty ruled out cander she half smiles don't worry about that only the cander tell the truth in that one one of the knots in my chest loosens maybe I'm not an awful person i suppose that's not entirely true people who tell the truth are the cander and the abnigation she says which gives us a problem my mouth falls open on the one hand you threw yourself on the dog rather than let it attack the little girl which is an abnigationoriented response but on the other when the man told you that the truth would save him you still refuse to tell it not an abnigationoriented response she sigh not running from the dog suggests dauntless but so does taking the knife which you didn't do she clears her throat and continues your intelligent response to the dog indicates strong alignment with the aerodite i have no idea what to make of your indecision to stage one but wait I interrupt her so you have no idea what my aptitude is yes and no my conclusion she explains is that you display equal aptitude for abnigation dauntless and aerudite people who get this kind of result are she looks over her shoulder like she expects someone to appear behind her are called divergent she says the last words so quietly that I almost don't hear it and her tense worried look returns she walks around the side of the chair and leans in close to me beatatrice she says under no circumstances should you share that information with anyone this is very important we aren't supposed to share results i nod i know that no tory kneels next to the chair now and placed her arms on the armrest our faces are inches apart this is different i don't mean you shouldn't share them now i mean you should never share them with anyone ever no matter what happens divergence is extremely dangerous you understand i don't understand how could inconclusive test results be dangerous but I still nod i don't want to share my test results with anyone anyway okay i peel my hands from the arms of the chair and stand i feel unsteady i suggest Tori says that you go home you have a lot of thinking to do and waiting with the others may not benefit you i have to tell my brother where I'm going i'll let him know i touch my forehead and stare at the floor as I walk out of the room i can't bear to look her in the eye i can't bear to think about the choosing ceremony tomorrow it's my choice now no matter what the test says obnigation dauntless ariodite divergent i decide not to take the bus if I get home early my father will notice when he checks the house log at the end of the day and I'll have to explain what happened instead I walk i'll have to intercept Caleb before he mentions anything to our parents but Caleb can keep it a secret i walk in the middle of the road the buses tend to hang to the curb so it's safer here sometimes on the streets near my house I can see places where the yellow lines used to be we have no use for them now that there are so few cars we don't need stoplights either but in some places they dangle precariously over the road like they might crash down any minute renovation moves slowly through the city which is a patchwork of new clean buildings and old crumbling ones most of the new buildings are next to the marsh which used to be a lake a long time ago the Abnigation volunteer agency my mother works for is responsible for most of these renovations when I look at the Abnigation lifestyle as an outsider I think it's beautiful when I watch my family move in harmony when we go to dinner parties and everyone cleans together afterward without having to be asked when I see Caleb help strangers carry the groceries I fall in love with this life all over again it's only when I try to live it myself that I have trouble it never feels genuine but choosing a different faction means I forsake my family permanently just past the abnigation sector of the city is the stretch of building skeletons and broken sidewalks that I now walk through there are places where the road is completely collapsed revealing sewer systems and empty subways that I have to be careful to avoid and places that stink so powerfully of sewage and trash that I have to plug my nose this is where the factionless live because they failed the complete initiation into whatever faction they chose they live in poverty doing the work no one else wants to do they're janitors and construction workers and garbage collectors they make fabric and operate trains and drive buses in return for their work they get food and clothing but as my mother says not enough of either i see a factionless man standing on the corner up ahead he wears ragged brown clothing and skin sags from his jaw he stares at me and I stare back at him unable to look away excuse me he says his voice is raspy do you have something I can eat i feel a lump in my throat a stern voice in my head says "Duck your head and keep walking." "No." I shake my head i reach into my bag my father tells me to keep food in my bag at all times for exactly this reason i offer the man a small bag of dried apple slices he reaches for them but instead of taking the bag his hand closed around my wrist he smiles at me he has a gap between his front teeth "my don't you have pretty eyes?" he said it's a shame the rest of you is so plain my heart pounds i tug my hand back but his grip tightens i smell something accurate and unpleasant on his breath you look a little young to be walking around by yourself dear he says i stop tugging and stand up straighter i know I look young i don't need to be reminded i'm older than I look I retort i'm 16 his lips spread wide revealing a gray muller with a dark pit in the side i can't tell if he's smiling or grimacing and isn't today a special day for you the day before you choose let go of me I say i hear ringing in my ears my voice sounds clear and stern not what I expected to hear i feel like it doesn't belong to me i'm ready i know what to do i picture myself bringing my elbow back and hitting him i see the bag of apples flying away from me i hear my running footsteps i am prepared to act but then he releases my wrist takes the apples and says "Choose wisely little girl." Chapter 4 i reach my street 5 minutes before I usually do according to my watch which is the only adornment abnigation allows and only because it's practical it has a gray band and a glass face if I tilt it right I can almost see my reflection over the hands the houses on my street are all the same size and shape they're made of gray cement with few windows in economical noonsense rectangles their lawns are crabrass their mailboxes are dull metal to some the site may be gloomy but to me their simplicity is comforting the reason for the simplicity isn't disdain for uniqueness as the other factions have sometimes interpreted it everything our houses our clothes our hairstyles is meant to help us forget ourselves and protect us from vanity greed and envy which are just forms of selfishness if we have little and want for little and we are all equal we envy no one i try to love it i sit on the front step and wait for Caleb to arrive it doesn't take long after a minute I see gray robed forms walking down the street i hear laughter at school we try not to draw attention to ourselves but once we're home the games and jokes start my natural tendency towards sarcasm is still not appreciated sarcasm is always at someone's expense maybe it's better that abnigation wants me to suppress it maybe I don't have to leave my family maybe if I fight to make abnigation work my act will turn to reality beatric caleb says "What happened are you all right?" I'm fine he's with Susan and her brother Robert and Susan is giving me a strange look like I'm a different person than the one she knew this morning i shrug when the test was over I got sick it must have been that liquid they gave us i feel better though i try to smile convincingly i seem to have persuaded Susan and Robert who no longer look concerned for my mental stability but Caleb narrows his eyes at me the way he does when he suspects someone of duplicity "did you just take the bus today?" I ask i don't care how Susan and Robert go home from school but I needed to change the subject our father had to work late Susan says and he told us we should spend some time thinking before the ceremony tomorrow my heart pounds at the mention of the ceremony you're welcome to come over later if you'd like Caleb says politely thank you susan smiles at Caleb robert raises an eyebrow at me he and I have been exchanging looks for the past year as Susan and Caleb flirt in the tent of weight only known to the abnigation caleb's eyes follow Susan down the walk i have to grab his arm and startle him from his days i lead him into the house and close the door behind us he turns to me his dark straight eyebrows draw together so that a crease appears between them when he frowns he looks more like my mother than my father in an instant I can see him living the same kind of life that my father did staying in abnigation learning a trade marrying Susan and having a family it'll be wonderful i may not see it are you going to tell me the truth now he asked softly the truth is I say I'm not supposed to discuss it and you're not supposed to ask all those rules you bend and you can't bend this one not even for something this important his eyebrows tug together and he bites the corner of his lip those words are accusatory it sounds like he's probing me for information like he actually wants my answer i near my eyes will you what happened in your test Caleb our eyes meet i hear a train horn so faint it could easily be wind whistling through an alleyway but I know it when I hear it it sounds like the dauntless calling me to them just don't tell our parents what happened okay i say his eyes stay on mine for a few minutes then he nods i want to go downstairs and lie down the test the walk and my encounter with the factionless man exhausted me but my brother made breakfast this morning and my mother prepared our lunches then my father made dinner last night so it's my turn to cook i breathe deeply and walk into the kitchen to start cooking another minute later Caleb joins me i grip my teeth he helps with everything what irritates me most about him is his natural goodness his inborn selflessness caleb and I work together without speaking i cook peas on the stove he defrosts four pieces of chicken most of what we eat is frozen or canned because farms these days are far away my mother told me once that a long time ago there were people who wouldn't buy genetically engineered produce because they viewed it as unnatural now we have no other option by the time my parents get home dinner is ready and the table's set my father drops his bag at the door and kiss my head other people see him as an opinionated man too opinionated maybe but he's also loving i try to see only the good in him i try how' the test go he asks me i pour the peas into a serving bowl fine I say i couldn't be in cander i lie too easily i heard there was some kind of upset with one of the tests my mother says like my father she works for the government but she manages city improvement projects she recruited volunteers to administer the aptitude tests most of the time though she organizes workers to help the factionless with food and shelter and job opportunities really says my father a problem with the aptitude tests is rare i don't know much about it but my friend Aaron told me that something went wrong with one of the tests so the results had to be reported verbally my mother places a napkin next to each plate on the table apparently the student got sick and was sent home early my mother shrugs i hope they're all right did you two hear about that no Caleb says he smiles at my mother my brother couldn't be cander either we sit at the table we always pass food to the right and no one eats until everyone's served my father extends his hands to my mother and my brother and they extend their hands to him and me and my father gives thanks to God for food and work and friends and family not every Abnigation family is religious but my father says we should try not to see those differences because they'll only divide us i'm not so sure what to make of that so my mother says to my father "Tell me." She takes my father's hand and moves her thumb in a small circle over his knuckles i stare at her joined hands my parents love each other but they rarely show affection like this in front of us they taught us that physical contact is powerful so I've been wary of it since I was young tell me what's bothering you she adds i stare at my plate my mother's acute senses sometimes surprised me but now they chide me why was I so focused on myself that I didn't notice his deep frown and his sagging posture i had a difficult day at work he says well really it was Marcus who had a difficult day i shouldn't lay claim to it marcus is my father's coworker they're both politicians political leaders the city is ruled by a council of 50 people composed entirely of representatives from abnigation because our faction is regarded as incorruptible due to our commitment to selflessness our leaders are selected by their peers for their impeccable character moral fortitude and leadership skills representatives from each of the other factions can speak in the meetings on behalf of a particular issue but ultimately the decision is the councils and while the council technically makes decisions together Marcus is particularly influential it's been this way since the beginning of the Great Peace when the factions were formed i think the system persists because we're afraid of what might happen if it didn't war is this about that report Janine Matthews released my mother says janine Matthews is Aerodite's sole representative selectly based on her IQ score my father complains about her often i look up a report caleb gives me a warning look we aren't supposed to speak at the dinner table unless our parents ask us a direct question and they usually don't our listening ears are a gift to them my father says they give us their listening ears after dinner in the family room yes my father says his eyes narrow those arrogant self-righteous he stops and cleared his throat sorry but she released a report attacking Marcus's character i raised my eyebrows what it say i ask beatatrice Caleb says quietly i duck my head turning my fork over and over and over until the warm pleas my cheeks i don't like to be chastised especially by my brother it's said my father says and Marcus' violence and cruelty toward his son is the reason his son chose Dauntless instead of Abnigation few people who are born into abnigation choose to leave it when they do we remember two years ago Marcus' son Tobias left for the Dauntless and Marcus was devastated tobias was his only child and his only family since his wife died giving birth to their second child the infant died minutes later i never met Tobias he rarely attended community events and never joined his father at our house for dinner my father often remarked that it was strange but now it doesn't matter cool Marcus my mother shakes her head that poor man as if he needs to be reminded of his loss of his son's betrayal you mean my father says coldly i shouldn't be surprised at this point the area have been attacking us with these reports for months and this isn't the end there will be more i guarantee it i shouldn't speak again but I can't help myself i blurt out why are they doing this why don't you take this opportunity to listen to your father Beatatrice says my mother gently it's phrased like a suggestion not a command i look across the table at Caleb who has that look of disapproval in his eyes i stare at my peas i'm not sure I can live this life of obligation any longer i'm not good enough you know why my father says because we have something they want valuing knowledge above all else results in a lust for power that leads men into dark and empty places we should be thankful that we know better i nod i know I will not choose Ariodite even though my test results suggest that I could i'm my father's daughter my parents clean up after dinner they don't even let Caleb help them because we're supposed to keep ourselves tonight instead of gathering in the family room so we can think about our results my family might be able to help me choose if I could talk about my results but I can't tori's warning whispers in my memory every time I resolve to keep my mouth shut falters caleb and I climb the stairs and at the top when we divide to go to our separate bedrooms he stops me with a hand on my shoulder beatric he says looking sternly into my eyes we should think of our family there's an edge to his voice but but we must also think of ourselves for a moment I stare at him i've never seen him think of himself never heard him insist on anything but selflessness i'm so startled by his comment that I just say what I'm supposed to say the tests don't have to change our choices he smiles a little don't they though he squeezes my shoulder and walks into his bedroom i peer into his room and see an unmade bed and a stack of books on his desk he closes the door i wish I could tell him that we're going through the same thing i wish I could speak to him like I want to instead of like I'm supposed to but the idea of admitting that I need help is too much to bear so I turn away i walk into my room and when I close my door behind me I realize that the decision might be simple it would require a great act of selflessness to choose obnigation or a great act of courage to choose dauntless and maybe just choosing one over the other will prove that I belong tomorrow those two qualities will struggle within me and only one can win chapter 5 the bus we take to get to the choosing ceremony is full of people in gray shirts and gray slacks a pale ring of sunlight burns into the clouds like the end of a lit cigarette i'll never smoke one myself they're closely tied to vanity but a crowd of cander smokes them in front of the building when we get off the bus i have to tilt my head back to see the top of the hub and even then part of it disappears into clouds it's the tallest building in the city i can see the lights on the two prongs on its roof from my bedroom window i follow my parents off the bus caleb seems calm but so would I if I knew I was going to instead I get the distinct impression that my heart will burst out of my chest any minute now and I grab his arm to steady myself as I walk to the front steps the elevator's crowded so my father volunteers to give a cluster of amity our place we climb the stairs instead following him unquestioningly we set an example for our fellow faction members and soon the three of us are engulfed in the massive gray fabric ascending cement stairs in the half light i settle into their pace the uniform pounding of feet in my ears and the homogeneity of the people around me makes me believe that I could choose this i could be subsumed into abnigations hive mind projecting always outward but then my legs get sore and I struggle to breathe and I'm again distracted by myself we have to climb 20 flights of stairs to get to the choosing ceremony my father holds the door open on the 20th floor and stands like a sentry as every abdigation walks past him i would wait for him but the crowd presses me forward out of the stairwell and into the room where I will decide the rest of my life the room is arranged in concentric circles on the edges stand the 16-year-olds of every faction we're not called members yet our decisions today will make us initiates and will become members if we complete initiation we arrange ourselves in alphabetical order according to the last names we may leave behind today i stand between Caleb and Danielle Polar an amity girl with rosy cheeks and a yellow dress rows of chairs for our families make up the next circle they're arranged in five sections according to faction not everyone in each faction comes to the choosing ceremony but enough of them come that the crowd looks huge the responsibility to conduct the ceremony rotates from faction to faction each year and this year's abnigations marcus will give the opening address and read the names in reverse alphabetical order caleb will choose before me in the last circle are five metal bowls so large they could hold my entire body if I curled up each one contains a substance that represents each faction greystones for abnigation water for ariodite earth for amity lit coals for dauntless and glass for cander when Marcus calls my name I will walk to the center of the three circles i will not speak he'll offer me a knife i'll cut into my hand and sprinkle my blood into the bowl of the faction I choose my blood on the stones my blood sizzling on the coals before my parents sit down they stand in front of Caleb and me my father kisses my forehead and claps Caleb on the shoulder grinning "see you soon," he says without a trace of doubt my mother hugs me and what little resolve I have left almost breaks i clench my jaw and stare up at the ceiling where the globe lanterns hang and fill the room with blue light she holds me for what feels like a long time even after I let my hands fall before she pulls away she turns her head and whispers in my ear "I love you no matter what." I frown at her back as she walks away she knows what I might do she must know or she wouldn't feel the need to say that caleb grabs my hand squeezing my palm so tightly it hurts but I don't let go the last time we held hands was at my uncle's funeral as my father cried we need each other's strength now just as we did then the room slowly comes to order i should be observing the dauntless i should be taking in as much information as I can but I only can stare at the lanterns across the room i try to lose myself in the blue glow marcus stands at the podium between the aridite and the dauntless and clears his throat in the microphone welcome he says welcome to the choosing ceremony welcome to the day we honor the democratic philosophy of our ancestors which tells us that every man has the right to choose his own way in this world or it occurs to me one of five predetermined ways i squeeze Caleb's fingers as hard as he's squeezing mine our dependents are now 16 they stand on the precipice of adulthood and it is now up to them to decide what kind of people they'll be marcus' voice is solemn and gives equal weight to each word decades ago our ancestors realized that it is not political ideology or religious belief or race or nationalism as to blame for a waring world rather they determined that it was the fault of human personality of humankind's inclination toward evil in whatever form that is they divided into factions that sought to eradicate those qualities they believed responsible for the world's disarray my eyes shift to the bowls in the center of the room what do I believe i don't know i don't know i don't know those who blamed aggression formed amidity the amity exchanged smiles they're dressed comfortably in red or yellow every time I see them they seem kind loving free but joining them has never been an option for me those who blamed ignorance became the ariodite ruling out Ariodite was the only part of my choice that was easy those who blame duplicity created cander i've never liked cander those who blamed selfishness made obnigation i blame selfishness i do and those who blamed cowardice were the dauntless but I'm not selfless enough 16 years of trying and I'm not enough my legs go numb like all the life has gone out of them i wonder how I will walk when my name is called working together these five factions have lived in peace for many years each contributing to a different sector of society abnigation has fulfilled our need for selfless leaders in government cander has provided us with trustworthy and sound leaders in law ariodite has supplied us with intelligent teachers and researchers amity has given us understanding counselors and caretakers and Dauntless provides us with protection from threats both within and without but the reach of each faction is not limited to these areas we give one another far more than can be adequately summarized in our factions we find meaning we find purpose we find life i think of the motto I read in my faction history textbook faction before blood more than family our factions are where we belong can that possibly be right marcus adds "Apart from them we would not survive." The silence that follows his words is heavier than other silences it's heavy with our worst fear greater even than the fear of death to be factionless Marcus continues "Therefore this day marks a happy occasion the day on which we receive our new initiates who will work with us toward a better society and a better world a round of applause it sounds muffled i try to stand completely still because if my knees are locked and my body is stiff I don't shake marcus reads the first names but I can't tell one syllable from the other how I know when he calls my name one by one each 16-year-old steps out of line and walks in the middle of the room the first guild to choose decides on Amity the same faction from which she came i watch her blood droplets fall in soil she stands behind their seats alone the room is constantly moving a new name and a new person choosing a new knife and a new choice i recognize most of them but I doubt they know me james Tucker Mark says james Tucker of the Dauntless is the first person to stumble on his way back to the bowls he throws his arms out and regains his balance before hitting the floor his face turns red and he walks fast to the middle of the room when he stands in the center he looks from the Dauntless Bowl to the Canderbowl the orange flames that rise higher each moment the glass reflecting blue light marcus offers him the night he breathes deeply i watch his chest rise and as he exhales accepts the knife then he drags it across his palm with a jerk and holds his arm out to the side his blood falls onto glass and he is the first of us to switch factions the first faction transfer a mutter rises from the Dauntless section and I stare at the floor they will see him as a traitor from now on his Dauntless family will have the option of visiting him in his new faction a week and a half from now on visiting day but they won't because he left them his absence will haunt their hallways and he will be a space they can't fill and then time will pass and the hole will be gone like when an organ is removed and the body's fluids flow into the space it leaves humans can't tolerate emptiness for long caleb Prior says Marcus caleb squeezes my hand one last time as he walks away cast a long look at me over his shoulder i watch his feet move to the center of the room and his hands steady as they accept the knife from Marcus are deaf with one presses the knife to the other then he stands with blood pooling in his palm and his lip snags on his teeth he breathes out and then in then then he holds his hand over the arodite bowl and as his blood drips into the water turning it a deeper shade of red I hear mutters that lift into outraged cries i can barely think straight my brother my selfless brother a faction transfer my brother born from abnigation ariadite when I close my eyes I see the stack of books on Caleb's desk his shaking hands sliding across his legs after the aptitude test why didn't I realize that when he told me to think of myself yesterday he was also giving that advice to himself i scan the crowd of the arodite they wear smunk smiles and nudge each other the abnigation normally so placid speak to one another intense whispers and glare across the room at the faction that has become our enemy excuse me says Marcus but the crowd doesn't hear him he shouts "Quiet please." The room goes silent except for a ringing sound i hear my name and a shudder propels me forward halfway to the bowls I'm sure that I will choose abnigation i can see it now i watch myself grow into a woman in abnigation robes marrying Susan's brother Robert volunteering on the weekends and a piece of routine the quiet night spent in front of the fireplace the certainty that I'll be safe and if not good enough better than I am now the ringing I realize is in my ears i look at Caleb who now stands behind the aridite he stares back at me and nods a little like he knows what I'm thinking and agrees my footsteps falter if Caleb wasn't fit for abnation then how can I be but what choice do I have now that he left us and I'm the only one who remains he left me no other option i set my jaw i'll be the child that stays i have to do this for my parents i I have to marcus offers me the knife i look into his eyes they're dark blue a strange color and take it he nods and I turn toward the bowls dauntless fire and abnigation stones are both on my left one in front of my shoulder and one behind i hold the knife in my right hand and touch the blade in my palm gritting my teeth I drag the blade down it stings but I barely notice i hold both hands to my chest and my next breath shutters on the way out i open my eyes and thrust my arm out my blood drips on the carpet between the two bowls then with a gasp I can't contain I shift my head forward and my blood sizzles on the coals i am selfish i am brave chapter 6 i train my eyes on the floor and stand behind the Dauntlessborn initiates who chose to return to their own faction they're all taller than I am so even when I lift my head I see only blackloed shoulders when the last girl makes her choice Amity it's time to leave the dauntless exit first I walk past the grayclod men and women who were in my faction staring determinedly at the back of someone's head but I have to see my parents one more time i look over my shoulder at the last second before I pass them and immediately wish I hadn't my father's eyes burn into mine with a look of accusation at first when I feel the heat behind my eyes I think he's found a way to set me on fire to punish me for what I've done but now I'm about to cry beside him my mother is smiling the people behind me press me forward away from my family who will be the last ones to leave they may even stay to stack the chairs and clean the bowls i twist my head around to find Caleb and the crowd of ariodite behind me he stands among the other initiates shaking hands with a faction transfer a boy who was cander the easy smile he wears is an act of betrayal my stomach wrenches and I turn away if it's so easy for him maybe it should be easy for me too i glance at the boy to my left who is Ariodite and now looks as pale and nervous as I should feel i spent all my time worrying about which faction I would choose and never considered what would happen if I chose Dauntless what waits for me at Dallas headquarters the crowd of Dauntless leading us go to the stairs instead of the elevators i thought only the abnigation used the stairs then everyone starts running i hear whoops and shouts of laughter around me and dozens of thundering feet moving at different rhythms it's not a selfless act for the dauntless to take the stairs it's a wild act what the hell's going on the boy next to me shouts i just shake my head and keep running i'm breathless when we reach the first floor and the dauntless burst through the exit outside the air is crisp and cold and the sky is orange from the setting sun it reflects off the black glass of the hub the dauntless sprawl across the street blocking the path of the bus and I sprint to catch up to the back of the crowd my confusion dissipates as I run i've not run anywhere in a long time abnigation discourages anything done strictly for my own enjoyment and that's what this is my lungs burning my muscles aching the fierce pleasure of a flatout sprint i follow the dauntless down the street and around the corner and hear a familiar sound the train horn "oh no," mumbles the ariodite boy "are we supposed to hop on that thing?" "Yes," I say breathless "it is good that I spent so much time watching the Dauntless arrive at school." The crowd spreads out in a long line the train glides toward us on steel rails its light flashing its horn blaring the door of each car is open waiting for the dauntless to pile in and they do group by group until only the new initiates are left the Dauntless Born initiates are used to doing this by now so in a second it's just faction transfers left i step forward with a few others and start jogging we run with the car for a few steps and then throw ourselves sideways i'm not as tall or as strong as some of them so I can't pull myself into the car i cling to a handle next to the doorway my shoulder slamming into the car my arms shake and finally a cander girl grabs me and pulls me in gasping I thank her i hear a shout and look over my shoulder a short ariodite boy with red hair pumps his arms as he tries to catch up to the train an ariodite girl by the door reaches up to grab the boy's hand straining but he's too far behind he falls to his knees next to the tracks as we sail away and puts his head in his hands i feel uneasy he just failed Dauntless initiation he's factionless now it could happen at any moment you all right the cander girl who helped me asked bristly she's tall with dark brown skin and short hair pretty i nod "i'm Christina," she says offering me her hand "i haven't shaken a hand in a long time either." The abnigation greeted one another by bowing heads a sign of respect i take her hand uncertainly and shake it twice hoping I didn't squeeze too hard or not hard enough beatatrice I say "Do you know where we're going?" She has to shout over the wind which blows harder through the open doors by the second the train's picking up speed i sit down it'll be easier to keep my balance if I'm low to the ground she raises an eyebrow at me a fast train means wind I say wind means falling out get down christina sits next to me inching back to lean against the wall i guess we're going to Dauntless headquarters I say but I don't know where that is does anyone she shakes her head grinning it's like they just popped out of a hole in the ground or something then the wind rushes through the car and the other faction transfers hit with bursts of air fall on top of one another i watch Christina laugh without hearing her and manage a smile over my left shoulder orange light from the setting sun reflects off the glass buildings and I can faintly see the rows of gray houses that used to be my home it's Caleb's turn to make dinner tonight who will take his place my mother or my father and when they clear out his room what will they discover i imagine books jam between the dresser and the wall books under his mattress the Ariodite thirst for knowledge filling all the hidden places in his room did he always know that he would choose Ariodite and if he did how did I not notice what a good actor he was the thought makes me sick to my stomach because even though I left them too at least I was no good at pretending at least they all knew that I wasn't selfless i close my eyes and picture my mother and father sitting at the dinner table in silence is it a lingering hint of selflessness that makes my throat tighten at the thought of them or is it selfishness because I know I'll never be their daughter again they're jumping off i lift my head my neck aches i've been curled up with my back against the wall for at least half an hour listening to the roaring wind and watching the city smear past us i sit forward the train has slowed down in the past few minutes and I see that the boy who shouted is right the dauntless in the cars ahead of us are jumping out as the train passes a rooftop the tracks are seven stories up the idea of leaping out of a moving train onto a rooftop knowing there's a gap between the edge of the roof and the edge of the track makes me want to throw up i push myself up and stumble to the opposite side of the car where the other faction transfers stand in a line we have to jump off too then a cander girl says she has a large nose and crooked teeth great a cander boy replies because that makes perfect sense Molly leap off a train onto a roof this is the kind of what we signed up for Peter the girl points out well I'm not doing it says an AMD boy behind me he has olive skin and wears a brown shirt he's the only transfer from AMD his cheeks shine with tears you've got to Christina says are you fail come on it'll be all right no it won't i'd rather be factionless than dead the amity boy shakes his head he sounds panicky he keeps shaking his head and staring at the rooftop which is getting closer by the second i don't agree with him i would rather be dead than empty like the factionless you can't force him I say glancing at Christina her brown eyes are wide and she presses her lips together so hard they change color she offers me her hand here she says i raise an eyebrow at her hand about to say that I don't need help but she adds I just can't do it unless someone drags me i take her hand and we stand at the edge of the car as it passes the roof I count one two three on three we launch off the train car a weightless moment and then my feet slam into solid ground and pain prickles through my shins the jarring landing sends me sprawling on the rooftop gravel under my cheek i release Christina's hand she's laughing that was fun she says christina will fit in with the dauntless thrillsekers i brush greens a rock from my cheek all the initiates except the amity made it to the rooftop with varying levels of success the cander girl with the crooked teeth Molly holds her ankle wincing and Peter the cander boy with the shiny hair grins proudly he must have landed on his feet then I hear a whale i turn my head searching for the source of the sound a dauntless girl stands at the edge of the roof staring at the ground below screaming behind her a dauntless boy holds her at the waist to keep her from falling off "rita," he says "rita calm down Rita." I stand and look over the edge there's a body on the pavement below us a girl her arms and legs bent at awkward angles her hair is spread in a fan around her head my stomach sinks and I stare at the railroad tracks not everyone made it and even the dauntless aren't safe rita sinks to her knees sobbing i turn away the longer I watch her the more likely I am to cry and I can't cry in front of these people i tell myself as sternly as possible that's how things work here we do dangerous things and people die people die and we move on to the next dangerous thing the sooner that lesson sinks in the better chance I have at surviving initiation i'm no longer sure that I will survive i tell myself that I'll count to three and when I'm done I'll move on one I picture the girl's body on the pavement and a shutter goes through me two I hear Rita's sobs and the murmured reassurance of the boy behind her three my lips pursed I walk away from Rita and the roof's edge my elbow stings i pull my sleeve up to examine it but my hands shaking some of the skin is peeling off but it isn't bleeding oh scandalous a stiff flashing some skin i lift my head stiff is slang for abnigation and I'm the only one here peter points at me smirking i hear laughter my cheeks heat up and I let my sleeve fall listen up my name is Max i'm one of the leaders of your new faction jets a man at the other end of the roof he's older than the others with deep creases in his dark skin and gray hair at his temples and he stands on the ledge like it's a sidewalk like someone didn't just fall to your death from it several stories below us is the members entrance to our compound if you can't muster the will to jump off you don't belong here our initiates have the privilege of going first you want us to jump off a ledge asks an arodite girl she's a few inches taller than I am with mousy brown hair and big lips her mouth hangs open i don't know why it shocks her yes Max says he looks amused is there water at the bottom or something who knows he raises his eyebrows the crowd in front of the initiate splits in half making a wide path for us i look around no one looks eager to leap off the building their eyes are everywhere but on Max some of them nurse minor wounds or brush gravel from their clothes i glance at Peter he's picking up one of his cuticles trying to act casual i'm proud it'll get me into trouble someday but today it makes me brave i walk toward the ledge and hear snickers behind me max steps aside leaving my way clear i walk up to the edge and look down wind whips through my clothes making the fabric snap the building I'm on forms one side of a square with three other buildings in the center of a square is a huge hole in the concrete i can't see what's at the bottom of it this is a scare tactic i'll land safely at the bottom that knowledge is the only thing that helps me step onto the ledge my teeth chatter i can't back down now not with all the people betting that I'd fail behind me my hands fumble along the collar of my shirt and I find the button that secures it shut after a few tries I undo the hooks from color to hem and pull it off my shoulders beneath it I wear a gray t-shirt it's tighter than any other clothes I own and no one has ever seen me in it before i ball up my outer shirt and look over my shoulder at Peter i throw the ball of fabric at him as hard as I can my jaw clenched it hits him in the chest he stares at me i hear cat calls and shouts behind me i look at the hole again goosebumps rise on my pale arms and my stomach lurches if I don't do it now I won't be able to do it at all i swallow hard i don't think i just bend my knees and jump the air howls in my ears as the ground surges toward me growing and expanding or I search toward the ground my heart pounding so fast it hurts every muscle in my body tensing as the falling sensation drags in my stomach the hole surrounds me and I drop into darkness i hit something hard it gives way beneath me and cradles my body the impact knocks the wind out of me and I struggling to breathe again my arms and legs sting a net there's a net at the bottom of the hole i look up at the building and laugh half relieved and half hysterical my body shakes and I cover my face with my hands i just jumped off a roof i have to stand on solid ground again i see a few hands stretching out at me to the edge of the net so I grab the first one I can reach and pull myself across i roll off and I would have fallen face first onto a wood floor if he hadn't caught me he is the young man attached to the hand I grabbed he has a spare upper lip and a full lower lip his eyes are so deep set that his eyelashes touch the skin under his eyebrows and they're dark blue a dreaming sleeping waiting color his hands grip my arms but he releases me a moment after I stand upright again "thank you," I say we stand on a platform 10 ft above the ground around us is an open cavern can't believe it a voice says from behind him it belongs to a dark-haired girl with three silver rings through her right eyebrow she smirks at me "a stiff the first to jump that's unheard of." "There's a reason why she left him Lauren," he says his voice is deep and it rumbles what's your name um I don't know why I hesitate but Beatatrice just doesn't sound right anymore think about it he says a faint smile curling his lips you don't get to pick again a new place a new name i could be remade here tris I say firmly tris Lauren repeats grinning make the announcement for the boy at four looks over his shoulder and shouts "First jumper Tris." A crowd materializes from the darkness as my eyes adjust they cheer and pump their fists and then another person drops into the net her scream follows her down christina everyone laughs but they follow their laughter with more cheering four sets its hands on my back and says "Welcome to Dauntless chapter 7." When all the initiates stand on solid ground again Lauren and Four lead us down a narrow tunnel the walls are made of stone and the ceiling slopes so I feel like I'm descending deep into the heart of the earth the tunnel is lit at long intervals so in the dark space between each dim lamp I fear that I'm lost until a shoulder bumps into mine in the circles of light I'm safe again the arodite boy in front of me stops abruptly and I smack into him hitting my nose on his shoulder i stumble back and rub my nose as I recover my senses the whole crowd is stopped and our three leaders stand in front of us arms folded this is where we divide Lawrence says the Dauntless initiates are with me i assume you don't need a tour of the place she smiles and beckons toward the Dauntless initiates they break away from the group and dissolve into the shadows i watched the last heel pass out of the light and look at those who are left most of the initiates were from Dauntless only nine people remain of those I'm the only Abnigation transfer and there are no Amity transfers the rest are from Ariodite and surprisingly cander it must require bravery to be honest all the time i wouldn't know four addresses us next most of the time I work in the control room but for the next few weeks I'm your instructor he says my name is Four christina asks "Four like the number?" "Yes." Four says "Is there a problem?" "No." "Good we're about to go into the pit which you'll someday learn to love it." Christina snickers "the pit clever name." For walks up to Christina and leans his face close to hers his eyes narrow and for a second he just stares at her "what's your name?" he asked quietly "christina?" she squeaks well Christina if I wanted to put up with Cander smart mouths I would have joined their faction he hisses the first lesson you'll learn from me is to keep your mouth shut got that she nods four starts toward the shadow at the end of the tunnel the crowd of initiates moves on in silence what a jerk she mumbles guess he doesn't like to be laughed at I reply it would probably be wise to be careful around four I realize he's even placed to me on the platform but something about that stillness makes me wary now four pushes a set of double doors open and we walk into the place he called the pit oh whispers Christina i get it pit is the best word for it it's an underground cavern so huge I can't see the other end of it from where I stand ue rock walls rise several stories above my head built into the stone walls are places for food clothing supplies leisure activities narrow paths and steps carved from rock connect them there are no barriers to keep people from falling over the side a slant of orange light stretches across one of the rock walls forming the roof of the pit are paints of glass and above them a building that lets in sunlight it must have looked just like another city building when we passed it on the train blue lanterns dangle at random intervals along the stone paths similar to the ones that lit the choosing room they grow brighter as the sunlight dies people are everywhere all dressed in black all shouting and talking expressive gesturing i don't see any elderly people in the crowd are there any old dauntless do they not last that long or are they just sent away when they can't jump off moving trains anymore a group of children run down a narrow path with no railing so fast my heart pounds and I want to scream at them to slow down before they get hurt a memory of the orderly abnigation streets appears in my mind a line of people on the right passing a line of people on the left small smiles and inclined heads in silence my stomach squeezes but there's something wonderful about dauntless chaos if you follow me says Four I'll show you the chasm he waves us forward for's appearance seems tame from the front by dauntless standards but when he turns around I see a tattoo peeking out from the collar of his t-shirt he leads us to the right side of the pit which is conspicuously dark i squint and see that the floor I stand on now ends at an iron barrier as we approach the railing I hear a roar water fast moving water crashing against rocks i look over the side the floor drops off at a sharp angle and several stories below us is a river gushing water strikes the wall beneath me and sprays upward to my left the water is calmer but to my right it's white battling with the rock the chasm reminds us that there is a fine line between bravery and idiocy for shouts "A daredevil jump off this ledge will end your life it's happened before and it'll happen again." "You've been warned." "This is incredible," says Christina as we all move away from the railing incredible is the word I say nodding four leads the group of initiates across the pit toward a gaping hole in the wall the room beyond is well lit enough that I can see where we're going a dining hall full of people and cluttering silverware when we walk in the dauntless inside stand they applaud they stamp their feet they shout the noise surrounds me and fills me christina smiles and a second later so do I we look for empty seats christine and I discover a mostly empty table at the side of the room and I find myself sitting between her and four in the center of the table is a platter of food I don't recognize circular pieces of meat wedge between round bread slices i pinch one between my fingers unsure of what to make of it for nudges me with his elbow it's beef he says put this on he passes me a small bowl full of red sauce you've never had a hamburger before asked Christina her eyes wide no I say is that what it's called stiff seedy plain food Force says nodding at Christina why she asks i shrug extravagance is considered self-indulgent and unnecessary she smirks no wonder you left yeah I say rolling my eyes it was just because of the food the corners of For's mouth twitches the doors to the cafeteria open and a hush falls over the room i look over my shoulder a young man walks in and it's quiet enough that I can hear his footsteps his face is pierced in so many places I lose count and his hair is long dark and greasy but that isn't what makes him look menacing it's the coldness of his eyes as they sweep across the room who is that his says Christina his name is Eric says for he's a dauntless leader seriously but he's so young for gives her a grave look age doesn't matter here i can tell she's about to ask what I want to ask then what does matter but Eric's eyes stop scanning the room and he starts toward a table he starts toward our table and drops into a seat next to four he offers no greeting so neither do we well aren't you going to introduce me he asks nodding to Christine and me four says "This is Tris and Christina." "Oh a stiff," says Eric smirking at me his smile pulls at the piercings in his lips making the holes they occupy wider and I wins "we'll see how long you last i mean to say something to assure him that I will last maybe but words fail me i don't understand why but I don't want Eric to look at me any longer than he already has i don't want him to look at me ever again he taps his fingers against the table his knuckles are scabbed over right where they would split if he punched something too hard "what have you been doing lately Four?" he asks for lifts his shoulder "nothing really," he says "are they friends?" My eyes flick between Eric and Four everything Eric did sitting here asking about four suggests that they are but the way four sits tense and as pulled wire suggests there's something else rivals maybe but how could that be if Eric is a leader and four isn't max tells me he keeps trying to meet with you and you don't show up eric says he requested that I find out what's going on with you for looks at Eric for a few seconds before saying "Tell him that I'm satisfied with the position I currently hold so he wants to give you a job." The rings in Eric's eyebrow catch the light maybe Eric perceives four as a potential threat to his position my father says that those who want power and get it live in terror of losing it that's why we have to give power to those who don't want it so it would seem for says "And you aren't interested i haven't been interested for 2 years." "Well," says Eric let's hope he gets the point then he claps for on the shoulder a little too hard and gets up when he walks away I slouch immediately i hadn't realized I was so tense are you two friends i say unable to contain my curiosity we were in the same initiate class he says he transferred from Ariodite all thoughts of being careful around four leave me were you a transfer too i thought I would only have trouble with the cander asking too many questions he says coldly now I've got stiffs too must be because you're so approachable I say flatly you know like a bed of nails he stares at me and I don't look away he isn't a dog but the same rules apply looking away is submissive looking him in the eye is a challenge it's my choice heat rushes into his cheeks what will happen when this tension breaks but he just says "Careful Tris." My stomach drops like I just swallowed a stone a dauntless member at another table calls out for's name and I turn to Christina she raises both eyebrows what i ask i'm developing a theory and it is she picks up her hamburger grins and says "You have a death wish." After dinner four disappears without a word eric leads us down a series of hallways without telling us where we're going i don't know why a dauntless leader would be responsible for a group of initiates but maybe it's just for tonight at the end of each hallway is a blue lamp but between them it's dark and I have to be careful not to stumble over uneven ground christina walks beside me in silence no one told us to be quiet but none of us speak eric stops in front of a wooden door and folds his arms we gather around him for those of you who don't know my name is Eric he says i'm one of five leaders of the Dauntless we take the initiation process very seriously here so I volunteered to oversee most of your training the thought makes me nauseous the idea that a Dauntless leader will oversee our initiation is bad enough but the fact that it's Eric makes it seem even worse some ground rules he says you have to be in the training room by 8:00 every day training takes place every day from 8 to 6 with a break for lunch you're free to do whatever you like after 6 you'll also get some time off between each stage of initiation the phrase do whatever you like sticks in my mind at home I could never do what I wanted not even for an evening i had to think of other people's needs first i don't even know what I like to do you're only permitted to leave the compound when accompanied by a dauntless Eric adds behind this door is the room where you'll be sleeping for the next few weeks you'll notice that there are 10 beds and only nine of you we anticipated that a higher proportion of you would make it this far but we started with 12 protests Christina i close my eyes and wait for the reprimand she needs to learn to stay quiet there's always at least one transfer who doesn't make it to the compound says Eric picking out his cuticles he shrugs anyway in the first stage of initiation we keep transfers and Dauntlessborn initiates separate but that doesn't mean you're evaluated separately at the end of initiation your rankings will be determined in comparison with the Dauntlessorn initiates and they're better than you already so I expect rankings asked the mouseyhaired arodite girl to my right why are we ranked?" Eric smiles and in the blue light his smile looks wicked like it was cut into his face with a knife "your ranking serves two purposes," he says the first is that it determines the order in which you'll select a job after initiation there are only a few desirable positions available my stomach tightens i know by looking at his smile like I knew the second I entered the aptitude test room that something bad is about to happen the second purpose he says is that only the top 10 initiates are made members peyton stabs my stomach we all stand still as statues and then Christina asks what there are 11 Dauntless Borns and nine of you eric continues four initiates will be cut at the end of stage one the remainder will be cut after the final test that means that even if we make it through each stage of initiation six initiates will not be members i see Christina look at me from the corner of my eye but I can't look back at her my eyes are fixed on Eric and I will not move my odds as the smallest initiate as the only abnigation transfer are not good what do we do if we're caught peter says "You leave the Dauntless compound," says Eric indifferently "and live factionless." The mousy-haired girl clamps her hand over her mouth and stifles a sob i remember the factionless man with the gray teeth snatching the bag of apples from my hands his dull staring eyes but instead of crying like the aridite girl I feel colder harder i will be a member i will but that's not fair the broad-shouldered cander girl Molly says even though she sounds angry she looks terrified if we had known are you saying that if you had known this before the choosing ceremony you wouldn't have chosen Dauntless eric snaps because if that's the case you should get out now if you're really one of us it won't matter to you that you might fail and if it does you're a coward eric pushes the door to the dormatory open you chose us he says now we have to choose you i lie in bed and listen to nine people breathing i've never slept in the same room as a boy before but here I have no other options unless I want to sleep in the hallway everyone else changed into the clothes the Dauntless provided for us but I sleep in my abnigation clothes which still smell like soap and fresh air like home i used to have my own room i could see the front lawn from the window and beyond it the foggy skyline i'm used to sleeping in silence heat swells behind my eyes as I think of home and when I blink a tear slips out i cover my mouth to stifle a sob i can't cry not here i have to calm down it'll be all right here i can look at my reflection whenever I want i can befriend Christina and cut my hair short and let other people clean up their own messes my hands shake and the tears come faster now blurring my vision it doesn't matter that the next time I see my parents on visiting day they'll barely recognize me if they come at all doesn't matter that I ache at even a split-second memory of their faces even Caleb's despite how much his secrets hurt me I match my inhales to the inhales of the other initiates and my exhales to their exhales it doesn't matter a strangled sound interrupts the breathing followed by a heavy sob bedsprings squeal as a large body turns and a pillow muffles the sobs but not enough they come from the bunk next to mine they belong to a cander boy Al the largest and broadest of all the initiates he's the last person I expected to break down his feet are just inches from my head i should comfort him i should want to comfort him because I was raised that way instead I feel disgust someone who looks so strong shouldn't act so weak why can't he just keep his crying quiet like the rest of us i swallow hard if my mother knew what I was thinking I know what look she would give me the corners of her mouth turned down her eyebrows set low over her eyes not scowling but almost tired i dragged the heel of my hand over my cheeks al so stops again i almost feel the sound great in my own throat he's just inches away from me i should touch him no i put my hand down and roll onto my side facing the wall no one has to know that I don't want to help him i can keep that secret buried my eyes shut and I feel the pull of sleep but every time I come close I hear Al again maybe my problem isn't that I can't go home i'll miss my mother and father and Caleb and evening fire light and the clock of my mother's knitting needles but that's not the only reason for this hollow feeling in my stomach my problem might be that even if I did go home I wouldn't belong there among people who give without thinking and care without trying the thought makes me grit my teeth i gather the pillow around my ears to block out Al's crying and fall asleep with a circle of moisture pressed to my cheek chapter 8 the first thing you'll learn today is how to shoot a gun the second thing is how to win a fight poor presses a gun into my palm without looking at me and keeps walking thankfully if you're here you already know how to get on and off a moving train so I don't need to teach you that i shouldn't be surprised that the dauntless expect us to hit the ground running but I anticipated more than 6 hours of rest before the running began my body's still heavy from sleep initiation is divided into three stages we'll measure your progress and rank you according to your performance in each stage the stages are not weighed equally in determining your final rank so it is possible though difficult to drastically improve your rank over time i stare at the weapon in my hand never in my life did I expect to hold a gun let alone fire one it feels dangerous to me as if just by touching it I could hurt someone we believe that preparation eradicates cowardice which we define as a failure to act in the midst of fear says four therefore each stage of initiation is intended to prepare you in a different way first stage is primarily physical the second primarily emotional the third primarily mental but what peter yawns through his words what does firing a gun have to do with bravery for flips the gun in his hand presses the barrel to Peter's forehead and clicks the bullet into place peter freezes with his lips parted the yawn dead in his mouth wake up for snaps you're holding a loaded gun you idiot act like it he lowers the gun once the immediate threat is gone Peter's green eyes harden i'm surprised he can stop himself from responding after speaking his mind all his life in cander but he does his cheeks red and to answer your question you're far less likely to soil your pants and cry for your mother if you're prepared to defend yourself for stops walking at the end of the row and turns on his heel this is also information you may need later in stage one so watch me he faces the wall with the targets on it one square of plywood with three red circles on it for each of us he stands with his feet apart holds the gun in both hands and fires the bang is so loud it hurts my ears i cran my neck to look at the target the bullet went through the middle circle i turn to my own target my family would never approve of me firing a gun they would say that guns are used for self-defense if not violence and therefore they're self- serving i pushed my family from my mind set my feet shoulderwidth apart and delicately wrap both hands around the handle of the gun it's heavy and hard to lift away from my body but I want it to be as far from my face as possible i squeeze the trigger hesitantly at first and then harder cringing away from the gun the sound hurts my ears and the recoil sends my hands back toward my nose i stumble pressing my hand to the wall behind me for balance i don't know where my bullet went but I know it's not anywhere near the target i fire again and again and again and none of the bullets come close statistically speaking the ariodite boy next to me his name is Will says grinning at me you should have hit the target at least once by now even by accident he's blonde with shaggy hair and a crease between his eyebrows is that so i say without inflection yeah he says i think you're actually defying nature i grit my teeth and turn toward the target resolving to at least stand still if I can't master the first task they give us how will I ever make it through stage one i squeeze the trigger hard and this time I'm ready for the recoil it makes my hands jump back but my feet stay planted a bullet hole appears at the edge of the target and I raise an eyebrow at will "so you see I'm right the stats don't lie," he says i smile a little "it takes me five rounds to hit the middle of the target and when I do a rush of energy goes through me i'm awake my eyes wide open my hands warm i lower the gun there's power in controlling something that can do so much damage in controlling something period maybe I do belong here by the time we break for lunch my arms throb from holding the gun and my fingers are hard to straighten i massage them on my way to the dining hall christina invites Al to sit with us every time I look at him I hear his sobs again so I try not to look at him i move my peas around with my fork and my thoughts drift back to the aptitude tests when Tori warned me that being divergent was dangerous I felt like I was branded on my face and if I so much has turned the wrong way someone would see it so far it hasn't been a problem but that doesn't make me feel safe what if I let my guard down and something terrible happens oh come on you don't remember me christina asked Al as she makes a sandwich we were in math together just a few days ago and I'm not a quiet person i slept through math most of the time Al replies this first hour what if the danger doesn't come soon what if it strikes years from now and I never see it coming tris says Christina she snaps her fingers in front of my face you in there what what is it i asked if you remember ever taking classes with me she says i mean no offense but I probably wouldn't remember if you did all the abnigation look the same to me i I mean they they still do but now you're not one of them i stare at her as if I need her to remind me sorry am I being rude she asks i'm used to just saying whatever's on my mind mom used to say that politeness is deception and pretty packaging i think that's why our factions don't usually associate with each other I say with a short laugh kander and Abnigation don't hate each other the way Arudite and Abnigation do but they avoid each other cander's real problem is with amity those who seek peace above all else they say will always deceive to keep the water calm can I sit here says Will tapping the table with his finger what you don't want to hang out with your ariodite buddies says Christina they aren't my buddies says Will setting his plate down just because we are in the same faction doesn't mean we get along plus Edward and Myra are dating and I'd rather not be the third wheel edward and Myra the other ariodite transfer sit two tables away so close they bump elbows as they cut their food myra pauses to kiss Edward i watch them carefully i've only seen a few kisses in my life edward turns his head and presses his lips to Myra's air hisses between my teeth and I look away part of me waits for them to be scolded another part wonders with a touch of desperation what it would feel like to have someone's lips against mine "do they have to be so public?" I say "she just kissed him." Al frowns at me when he frowns his thick eyebrows touch his eyelashes it's not like they're stripping naked "a kiss is not something you do in public." Al will and Christina all give me the same knowing smile "what?" I say "your abnigation is showing," says Christina the rest of us are all right with a little affection in public oh I shrug oh I guess I'll have to get over it then or you can stay frigid says Will his green eyes glinting with mischief you know if you want christina throws a roll at him he catches it and bites it don't be mean to her she says frigidity is in her nature it's sort of like being a know-it-all is in yours i'm not frigid I exclaim don't worry about it says Will it's endearing look you're all right the comment only makes my face hotter everyone else chuckles i force a laugh and after a few seconds it comes naturally it feels good to laugh again after lunch four leads us to a new room it's huge with a wood floor that's cracked and creaky and has a large circle painted in the middle on the left wall is a green board a chalkboard my lower level's teacher used one but I haven't seen one since then maybe it has something to do with Dauntless priorities training comes first technology comes second our names are written on the board in alphabetical order hanging at three-foot intervals along one end of the room are faded black punching bags we line up behind them in four stands in the middle where we can all see them as I said this morning says four next you'll learn how to fight the purpose of this is to prepare you to act to prepare your body to respond to threats and challenges which you will need if you intend to survive life as a dauntless i can't even think of life as a dauntless all I can think about is making it through initiation we'll go over technique today and tomorrow you'll start to fight each other says four so I recommend that you pay attention those who don't learn fast will get hurt for names a few different punches demonstrating each one as he does first against the air and then against the punching bag i catch on as we practice like with the gun I need a few tries to figure out how to hold myself and how to move my body to make it look like his the kicks are more difficult though he only teaches us the basics the punching bag stings my hand and feet turning my skin red and barely moves no matter how hard I hit it all around me is the sound of skin hitting tough fabric for wanders through the crowd of initiates watching us as we go through the movements again when he stops in front of me my insides twist like someone stirring them with a fork he stares at me his eyes following my body from head to my feet not lingering anywhere a practical scientific gaze you don't have much muscle he says which means you're better off using your knees and elbows you can put more power behind them suddenly he presses a hand on my stomach his fingers are so long that though the heel of his hand touches one side of my rib cage his fingertips still touch the other side my heart pounds so hard my chest hurts and I stare at him wideeyed "never forget to keep tension here," he says in a quiet voice for lifts his hand and keeps walking i feel the pressure of his palm even after he's gone it's strange but I have to stop and breathe for a few seconds before I can keep practicing again when Ford dismisses us for dinner Christina nudges me with her elbow i'm surprised he didn't break you in half she says she wrinkles her nose he scares the hell out of me it's that quiet voice he uses yeah he's I look over my shoulder at him he's quiet and remarkably self-possessed but I wasn't afraid that he would hurt me definitely intimidating I finally say al who is in front of us turns around once we reach the pit and announces i want to get a tattoo from behind us Will asks a tattoo of what i don't know Al laughs i just want to feel like I've actually left the old faction stop crying about it when we don't respond he adds "I know you've heard me." "Yeah learn to quiet down will you?" Christina pokes Al's thick arm i think you're right we're half in half out right now if we want all the way in we should look the part she gives me a look no I will not cut my hair I say or dye it a strange color or pierce my face how about your belly button she says or your nipple Will says with a snort i groan now that training is done for the day we can do whatever we want until it's time to sleep the idea makes me feel almost giddy although that might be from fatigue the pit is swarming with people christine announces that she and I will meet Al and Will at the tattoo parlor and drags me toward the clothing place we stumble up the path climbing higher above the pit floor scattering stones with our shoes what's wrong with my clothes i say "I'm not wearing gray anymore." "They're ugly and gigantic," she says "will you just let me help you if you don't like what I put you in you'd never have to wear it again i promise." 10 minutes later I stand in front of a mirror in the clothing place wearing a kneeh high black dress the skirt isn't full but it isn't stuck to my thighs like the first one she picked out which I refused goosebumps appear on my bare arms she slips the tie for my hair and I shake it out of the braid so it hangs wavy over my shoulders then she holds up a black pencil eyeliner she says you aren't going to be able to make me pretty you know i close my eyes and holds still she runs the tip of the pencil along the line of my eyelashes i imagine standing before my family in these clothes and my stomach twists like I might be sick who cares about pretty i'm going for noticeable i open my eyes and for the first time stare openly at my own reflection my heart rate picks up as I do like I'm breaking the rules and will be scolded for it it'll be difficult to break the habits of thinking abnigation instilled in me like tugging a single thread from a complex work of embroidery but I will find new habits new thoughts new rules i'll become something else my eyes were blue before but a dull grayish blue the eyeliner makes them piercing with my hair framing my face my features look softer and fuller i'm not pretty my eyes are too big and my nose too long but I can see that Christine is right my face is noticeable looking at myself now isn't like seeing myself for the first time it's like seeing someone else for the first time beatric was a girl I saw in stolen moments at the mirror who kept quiet at the dinner table this is someone whose eyes claim mine and don't release me this is Tris see she says you're striking under the circumstances it's the best compliment she could have given me i smile at her in the mirror you like it she says yeah i nod i look like a different person she laughs that a good thing or a bad thing i look at myself headon again for the first time the idea of leaving my abnigation identity behind doesn't make me nervous it gives me hope a good thing i shake my head sorry I've just never been allowed to stare at my reflection for this long really christina shakes her head abnigation is a strange faction I have to tell you let's go watch Al get tattooed I say despite the fact that I've left my old faction behind I don't want to criticize it yet at home my mother and I picked up nearly identical stacks of clothing every 6 months or so it's easy to allocate resources when everyone gets the same thing but everything is more varied at the Dauntless compound every Dauntless gets a certain amount of points to spend per month and the dress costs one of them christine and I race down the narrow path to the tattoo place when we get there Al is sitting in the chair already and a small narrow man with more ink than bare skin is drawing a spider on his arm will and Christina flip through the books of pictures elbowing each other when they find a good one when they sit next to each other I notice how opposite they are christina dark and lean will pale and solid but alike in their easy smiles i wander around the room looking at the artwork on the walls these days the only artists are in Amity abnigation sees art as impractical and its appreciation is time that could be spent serving others so though I have seen works of art in textbooks I've never been in a decorated room before it makes the air feel close and warm and I could get lost here for hours without noticing i skim the walls with my fingertips a picture of a hawk on one wall reminds me of Tori's tattoo beneath it is a sketch of a bird in flight it's a raven a voice behind me says pretty right i turn to see Tori standing there i feel like I'm back in the attitude test room with the mirrors all around me and the wires connected to my forehead i didn't expect to see her again well hello there she smiles never thought I'd see you again beatrice is it Tris actually I say do you work here i do i just took a break to administer the tests most of the time I'm here she taps her chin i recognize that name you're the first jumper weren't you yes I was well done thanks i touch the sketch of the bird listen I need to talk to you about I glance over at Will and Christina i can't corner Tori now they'll ask questions something sometime i'm not sure that would be wise she says quietly i helped you as much as I could and now you'll have to go it alone i purse my lips she has answers i know she does if she won't give them to me now I'll have to find a way to make her tell me some other time want a tattoo she says the bird's sketch holds my attention i never intended to get pierced or tattooed when I came here i know that if I do it'll place another wedge between me and my family that I can never remove and if my life here continues as it has been it may soon be the least of the wedges between us but I understand now what Tori said about her tattoo representing a fear she overcame a reminder of where she was as well as a reminder of where she is now maybe there is a way to honor my old life as I embrace my new one yes I say three of these flying birds i touch my collarbone marking the path of their flight toward my heart one for each member of the family I left behind chapter nine since there are an odd number of you one of you won't be fighting today says four stepping away from the board in the training room he gives me a look the space next to my name is blank the knot in my stomach unravels a reprieve this isn't good says Christina nudging me with her elbow her elbow prods one of my sore muscles i have more sore muscles than non sore muscles this morning and I wse ow sorry she says but look I'm up against the tank christine and I sat together at breakfast and earlier she shielded me from the rest of the dormatories as I was changed i haven't had a friend like her before susan was better friends with Caleb than with me and Robert only went where Susan went i guess I haven't really had a friend period it's impossible to have a real friendship when no one else feels like they can accept help or even talk about themselves that won't happen here i already know more about Christina than I ever knew about Susan and it's only been 2 days the tank i find Christina's name on the board written next to it is Molly yeah Peter's slightly more feminine looking minion she says nodding toward the cluster of people on the other side of the room molly's tall like Christina but that's where the similarities end she's broad shoulders bronze skin and a bulbous nose those three Christina points at Peter Drew and Molly in turn have been practically inseparable since they crawled out of the womb practically and I hate them will and Al stand across from each other in the arena they put their hands up by their faces to protect themselves as for taught us and shuffle in a circle around each other al is half a foot taller than Will and twice as broad i stare at him and realize that even his facial features are big big nose big lips big eyes this fight won't last long i glance at Peter and his friends drew is shorter than both Peter and Molly but he's built like a boulder and his shoulders are always hunched his hair is orange red the color of an old carrot what's wrong with them i say Peter's pure evil when we were kids you'd pick fights with people from other factions and then when an adult came to break it up he'd cry and make up some story about how the other kids started it and of course they believed him because we were cander and we couldn't lie christina wrinkles her nose and adds "Drew's just a sidekick i doubt he has an independent thought in his brain and Molly she's the kind of person who fries ants with a magnifying glass just to watch them flail around." In the arena Al punches Will hard in the jaw i wins across the room Eric smirks at Al and turns one of the rings in his eyebrow will stumbles to the side one hand pressed to his face and blocks Al's next punch with his free hand judging by his grimace blocking the punch is a painful blow al is slow but powerful peter Drew and Molly cast fertive looks in our direction and then pull their heads together whispering i think they know we're talking about them I say so they already know I hate them they do how christina fakes a smile at them and waves i look down my cheeks warm i shouldn't be gossiping anyway gossiping is self-indulgent will hooks a foot around one of Al's legs and yanks back knocking Al to the ground al scrambles to his feet because I've told them she says through the gritted teeth of her smile her teeth are straight on top and crooked on the bottom she looks at me we try to be pretty honest about our feelings in cander plenty of people have told me they don't like me and plenty of people haven't who cares we just weren't supposed to hurt people I say i'd like to think I'm helping them by hating them she says i'm reminding them they aren't God's gift to humankind i laugh a little at that and then focus on the arena again will and Al face each other for a few more seconds more hesitant than they were before will flicks his pale hair from his eyes they glance at four like they're waiting for him to call out the fight but he stands with his arms folded giving no response a few feet away from him Eric cheeks his watch after a few seconds of circling Eric shouts "Do you think this is a leisure activity should we break for nap time fight each other." But Al straightens letting his hands down and says "Is it scored or something when does the fight end?" "It ends when one of you is unable to continue," says Eric "according to Dauntless rules," for says "one of you could also concede." Eric narrows his eyes at four according to the old rules he says "In the new rules no one concedes." A brave man acknowledges the strength of others for replies a brave man never surrenders for and Eric stared at each other for a few seconds i feel like I'm looking at two different kinds of dauntless the honorable kind and the ruthless kind but even I know that in this room it's Eric the youngest leader of the Dauntless who has the authority beads of sweat dot Al's forehead he wipes them with the back of his hand this is ridiculous Al says shaking his head what's the point of beating him up we're in the same faction oh you think it's going to be that easy will asks grinning go on try to hit me Slowpoke will puts his hands up again i see determination in Will's eyes that wasn't there before does he really believe he can win one hard shot to the head and Al will knock him out cold that is if he can actually hit Will al tries a punch and Will ducks the back of his neck shining with sweat he dodges another punch slipping around Al and kicking him hard in the back al lurches forward and turns when I was younger I read a book about grizzly bears there's a picture of one standing on its hind legs with its paws outstretched roaring that's how Al looks now he charges at Will grabbing his arms so he can't slip away and punches him hard in the jaw i watch the light leave Will's eyes which are pale green like celery they roll back into his head and all the tension falls from his body he slips from Al's grasp dead weight and crumples to the floor cold rushes down my back and fills my chest al's eyes widen and he crouches next to Will tapping his cheek with one hand the room falls silent as we wait for Will to respond for a few seconds he doesn't just lies on the ground with an arm bent beneath him then he blinks clearly dazed "get him up," Eric says he stares with greedy eyes at Will's fallen body like the sight is a meal and he hasn't eaten in weeks the curl of his lip is cruel four turns to the chalkboard and circles Al's name victory next up Molly and Christina shouts Eric al pulls Will's arm across his shoulders and drags him out of the arena christina cracks her knuckles i would wish her luck but I don't know what good that'll do christina isn't weak but she's much narrower than Molly hopefully her height will help her across the room for supports Will from the waist and leads him out al stands for a moment by the door watching them go for leaving makes me nervous leaving us with Eric is like hiring a babysitter who spends his time sharpening knives christina tucks her hair behind her ears its chin length black and pinned back with silver clips she cracks another knuckle she looks nervous and no wonder who wouldn't be nervous after watching Will collapse like a ragd doll if conflict in Dauntless ends with only one person standing I'm unsure of what this part of initiation will do to me will I be Al standing over a man's body knowing I'm the one who put him on the ground or will I be Will lying in a helpless heap and is it selfish of me to crave victory or is it brave i wipe my sweaty palms on my pants i snap to attention when Christina kicks Molly in the side molly gasps and grits her teeth like she's about to growl through them a lock of stringy black hair falls across her face but she doesn't brush it away al stands next to me but I'm too focused on the new fight to look at him or congratulate him on winning assuming that's what he wants i'm not sure molly smirks at Christina and without warning dives hands outstretched at Christina's midsection she hits her hard knocking her down and pins her to the ground christina thrashes but Molly is heavy and doesn't budge she punches and Christina moves her head out of the way but Molly just punches again and again until her fist hits Christina's jaw her nose her mouth without thinking I grab Al's arm and squeeze it as tightly as I can i just need something to hold on to blood runs down the side of Christina's face and splatters on the ground next to her cheek this is the first time I've ever prayed for someone to fall unconscious but she doesn't christina screams and drags one of her arms free she punches Molly in the ear knocking her off balance and reels free she comes to her knees holding her face with one hand the blood streaming from her nose is thick and dark and covers her fingers in seconds she screams again and crawls away from Molly i can tell by the heaving of her shoulders that she's sobbing but I can barely hear her over the throbbing in my ears please go unconscious molly kicks Christina's side sending her sprawling on her back al frees his hand and pulls me tight to his side i clench my teeth to keep from crying out i had no sympathy for Al the first night but I'm not cruel yet the sight of Christina clutching her rib cage makes me want to stand between her and Molly stop whails Christina as Molly pulls her foot back to kick again she holds out a hand stop i'm She coughs i'm done molly smiles and I sigh with relief alsiz too his rib cage lifting and falling against my shoulder eric walks toward the center of the arena his movement slow and stands over Christina with his arms folded he says quietly "I'm sorry what did you say you're done." Christina pushes herself to her knees when she takes her hand from the ground it leaves a red handprint behind she pinches her nose to stop the bleeding and nods "get up," he says if he had yelled I might not have felt like everything in my stomach was about to come out if he'd yelled I would know that the yelling was the worst he planned to do but his voice is calm and his words precise he grabs Christina's arm yanks her to her feet and drags her out the door "follow me," he says to the rest of us "and we do." I feel the roar of the river in my chest we stand near the railing the pit is almost empty it's the middle of the afternoon though it feels like it's been night for days if there were people around I doubt any of them would help christina we're with Eric for one thing and for another dauntless have different rules rules that brutality doesn't violate eric shoves Christina against the railing climb over it he says what she says it like she expects him to lend but her eyes widen and her ashen face suggests otherwise eric will not back down climb over the railing says Eric again pronouncing each word slowly if you can hang over the chasm for 5 minutes I'll forget your cowardice if you can't I'll not allow you to continue initiation the railing is narrow and made of metal the spray from the river coats it making it slippery and cold even if Christine is brave enough to hang from the railing for 5 minutes she may not be able to hold on either she decides to be factionless or she risks death when I close my eyes I imagine her falling to the jagged rocks below and shudder "fine," she says her voice shaking she's tall enough to swing her leg over the railing her foot shakes she puts her toe on the ledge as she lifts her other leg over facing us she wipes her hands on her pants and holds on to the railing so hard her knuckles turn white then she takes one foot off the ledge and the other i see her face between the bars of the barrier determined her lips pressed together next to me Al sets his watch for the first minute and a half Christine is fine her hands stay firmer on the railing and her arms don't shake i start to think she might make it and show Eric how foolish she was to doubt her but then the river hits the wall and white water sprays against Christina's back her hands slip so she's just holding on by her fingertips she tries to get a better grip but now her hands are wet if I help her Eric would make my fate the same as hers will I let her fall to her death or will I resign myself to being factionless what's worse to be idle while someone dies or to be exiled and empty-handed my parents would have no problem answering that question but I'm not my parents as far as I know Christina hasn't cried since we got here but now her face crumples and she lets out a sob that's louder than the river another wave hits the wall and the spray coats her body one of the droplets hits my cheek her hands slip again and this time one of them falls from the railing so she's hanging by four fingertips come on Christina says Al his low voice surprisingly loud she looks at him he claps come on grab it again you can do it grab it would I even be strong enough to hold on to her would it be worth my effort to try to help her if I knew I'm too weak to do any good i know what those questions are excuses human reason can excuse any evil that's why it's so important that we don't rely on it my father's words christina swings her arm fumbling for the railing no one else cheers her on but Al brings his big hands together and shouts his eyes holding hers i wish I could i wish I could move but I just stare at her and wonder how long I've been this disgustingly selfish i stare at Al's watch four minutes have passed he elbows me hard in the shoulder "come on," I say my voice is a whisper i clear my throat "one minute left," I say louder this time christina's other hand finds the railing again her arms shake so hard I wonder if the earth is quaking beneath me jiggling my vision and I just didn't notice "come on Christina," Alan I say and as our voices join I believe I might be strong enough to help her i will help her if she slips again I will another wave of water splashes against Christina's back and she shrieks as both her hands slip off the railing a scream launches from my mouth it sounds like it belongs to someone else but she doesn't fall she grabs the bars of the barrier her fingers slide down the metal until I can't see her head anymore they're all I see al's watch reads 5 minutes "5 minutes are up," he says almost spitting the words at Eric eric checks his own watch taking his time tilting his wrist all while my stomach twists and I can't breathe when I blink I see Rita's sister on the pavement below the train tracks limbs bent at strange angles and I see Rita screaming and sobbing i see myself turning away fine Eric says you can come up Christina al walks toward the railing no Eric says she has to do it on her own no she doesn't Al Growls she did what you said she's not a coward she did what you said eric doesn't respond al reaches over the railing and he's so tall that he can reach Christina's wrists she grabs his forearm al pulls her up his face red with frustration and I run forward to help i'm too short to do much good as I suspected but I grip Christina under the shoulder once she's high enough and Al and I haul her over the barrier she drops to the ground her face still blood smeared from the fight her back soaking wet her body quivering i kneel next to her her eyes lift to mine then shift to Al and we all catch our breath together chapter 10 that night I dream that Christina hangs from the railing again by her toes this time and someone shouts that only someone who's divergent can help her so I run forward to pull her up but someone shoves me over the edge and I wake before I hit the rocks sweat soaked and shaky from the dream I walk to the girl's bathroom to shower and change when I come back the word stiff is spray painted across my mattress in red the words written smaller along the bed frame and again on my pillow i look around my heart pounding with anger peter stands behind me whistling as he fluffs his pillow it's hard to believe I could hate someone who looks so kind his eyebrows turn upward naturally and he has a wide white smile nice decorations he says did I do something to you that I'm unaware of i demand i grab the corner of a sheet and yank it away from the mattress i don't know if you've noticed but we're in the same faction now i don't know what you're referring to he says lightly then he glances at me and you and I will never be in the same faction i shake my head as I remove my pillowcase from the pillow don't get angry he wants to get a rise out of me he won't but every time he fluffs his pillow I think about punching him in the gut al walks in and I don't even have to ask him to help me he just walks over and strips bedding with me i'll have to scrub the bed for him later al carries the stack of sheets to the trash can and together we walk toward the training room ignore him Al says he's an idiot and if you don't get angry he'll stop eventually yeah I touch my cheeks they're still warm with an angry blush i try to distract myself did you talk to Will i asked quietly after you know yeah he's fine he isn't angry Alise now I'll always be remembered as the first guy who knocked someone out cold there are worse ways to be remembered at least they won't antagonize you there are better ways too he nudges me with his elbow smiling first jumper maybe I was the first jumper but I suspect that's where my dauntless fame begins and ends i clear my throat one of you had to get knocked out you know and if it hadn't been him it would have been you still I don't want to do it again al shakes his head too many times too fast he sniffs i really don't we reach the door to the training room and I say "But you have to." He's a kind face maybe he's too kind for Dauntless i look at the chalkboard when I walk in i didn't have to fight yesterday but today I definitely will when I see my name I stop in the middle of the step my opponent is Peter oh no says Christina who shuffles in behind us her face is bruised and she looks like she's trying not to limp when she sees the board she crumples the muffin wrapper she's holding to her fist are they serious they're really going to make you fight him peter's almost a foot taller than I am and yesterday he beat Drew in less than 5 minutes today Drew's face is more black and blue than flesh toned maybe you can just take a few hits and pretend to go unconscious suggests Al no one would blame you yeah I say maybe i stare at my name on the board my cheeks feel hot al and Christina are just trying to help but the fact they don't believe not even in a tiny corner of their minds that I have a chance against Peter bothers me i stand at the side of the room half listening to Al and Christina's chatter and watch Molly fight Edward he's much faster than she is so I'm sure Molly will not win today as the fight goes on and my irritation fades I start to get nervous ford told us yesterday to exploit our opponent's weaknesses and aside from his utter lack of likable qualities Peter doesn't have any he's tall enough to be strong but not so big that he's slow he has an eye for other people's soft spots he's vicious and won't show me any mercy i'd like to say that he underestimates me but that would be a lie i'm as unskilled as he suspects maybe I was right and I should just take a few hits and pretend to be unconscious but I can't afford not to try i can't be ranked last by the time Molly peels herself off the ground looking only half conscious thanks to Edward my heart is pounding so hard I can feel it in my fingertips i can't remember how to stand i can't remember how to punch i walk to the center of the arena and my guts rise as Peter comes toward me taller than I remembered arm muscles standing at attention he smiles at me i wonder if throwing up on him will do me any good i doubt it you okay there Stiff he says "You look like you're about to cry might go easy on you if you cry." Over Peter's shoulder I see four standing by the door with his arms folded his mouth is puckered like he just swallowed something sour next to him is Eric who taps his foot faster than my heartbeat one second Peter and I are standing there staring at each other and the next Peter's hands are up by his face his elbows bent his knees are bent too like he's ready to spring "come on stiff," he says his eyes glinting "just one little tear maybe some begging." The thought of begging Peter for mercy makes me taste bile and on an impulse I kick him in the side or I would have kicked him in the side if he hadn't caught my foot and yanked it forward knocked me off balance my back smacks into the floor and I pull my foot free scrambling to my feet i have to stay on my feet so he can't kick me in the head that's the only thing I can think about stop playing with her snaps Eric i don't have all day peter's mischievous look disappears his arm twitches and pain stabs my jaw and spreads across my face making my vision go black at the edges and my ears ring i blink and lurch to the side as the room dips and sways i don't remember his fist coming at me i'm too off balance to do anything but move away from him as far as the arena will allow he darts in front of me and kicks me hard in the stomach his foot forces the air from my lungs and it hurts hurts so badly I can't breathe or maybe that's because of the kick i don't know i just fall on your feet is the only thought in my mind i push myself up but Peter's already there he grabs my hair with one hand and punches me in the nose with the other this pain is different less like a stab and more like a crackle crackling in my brain spotting my vision with different colors blue green red i try to shove him off my hands slapping at his arms and he punches me again this time in the ribs my face is wet bloody nose more red I guess but I'm too dizzy to look down he shows me and I fall again scraping my hands on the ground blinking sluggish and slow and hot i cough and drag myself to my feet i really should be lying down if the room is spinning this fast and Peter spins around me i'm the center of a spinning planet the only thing staying still something hits me from the side and I must fall over again on my feet on my feet i see a solid mass in front of me a body i punch as hard as I can and my fist hits something soft peter barely groans and smacks my ear with the flat of his palm laughing under his breath i hear ringing and try to blink some of the black patches out of my eyes how did something get in my eye out of my peripheral vision I see four shove the door open and walk out apparently this fight isn't interesting enough for him or maybe he's going to find out why everything's spinning like a top and I don't blame him i want to know the answer too my knees give out and the floor is cool against my cheek something slams into my side and I scream for the first time a high screech that belongs to someone else and not me it slams into my side again and I can't see anything at all not even whatever is right in front of my face the lights are out someone shouts "Enough." And I think too much and nothing at all when I wake up I don't feel much but the inside of my head is fuzzy like it's packed with cotton balls i know that I lost and the only thing keeping the pain at bay is what's making it difficult to think straight "is your eye already black?" someone asks i open one eye the other stays shut like it's glued that way sitting to my right are Will and L christina sits on the bed to my left with an ice pack on her jaw what happened to your face i say my lips feel clumsy and too large she laughs look who's talking should we get you an eye patch well I already know what happened to my face I say i was there sort of did you just make a joke Tris will says grinning we should get you on painkillers more often if you're going to start cracking jokes oh and to answer your question I beat her up i can't believe you couldn't be Will El says shaking his head what he's good she says shrugging plus I think I finally learned how to stop losing i just need to stop people from punching me in the jaw you know you'd think you would have figured that out already will winks at her now I know why you want ariodite you're not too bright are you you feeling okay Tris al says his eyes are dark brown almost the same color as Christina's skin his cheek looks rough like if he didn't shave it he would have a thick beard it's hard to believe he's only 16 yeah I say just wish I could stay here forever so I never have to see Peter again but I don't know where here is i'm in a large narrow room with rows of beds on either side some of the beds have curtains between them on the right side of the room is a nurse's station this must be where the dauntless go when they're sick or hurt the woman there looks over at us from a clipboard i've never seen a nurse with so many piercings in her ear before some Dauntless must volunteer to do jobs that traditionally belong to other factions after all it wouldn't make sense for the dauntless to make the trek to the city hospital every time they get hurt the first time I went to the hospital I was 6 years old my mother fell on the sidewalk in front of our house and broke her arm hearing her scream made me burst into tears but Caleb just ran for my father without saying a word at the hospital an amity woman in a yellow shirt with clean fingernails took my mother's blood pressure and set her bone with a smile i remember Caleb telling her that it would only take a month to mend because it was a hairline fracture i thought he was reassuring her because that's what selfless people do but now I wonder if he was repeating something he had studied if all his abnigation tendencies were just ariodite traits in disguise don't worry about Peter says Will he'll at least get beat up by Edward who's been studying handto- hand combat since we were 10 years old for fun good says Christina she checks her watch i think we're missing dinner do you want us to stay here Tris i shake my head i'm fine christine and Will get up but Al waves them ahead he has a distinct smell sweet and fresh like sage and lemongrass when he tosses and turns at night I get a whiff of it and I know he's having a nightmare i just wanted to tell you that you missed Eric's announcement we're going on a field trip tomorrow to the fence to to learn about Dauntless jobs he says we have to be at the Traden by 8:15 good I say thanks and don't pay attention to Christina your face doesn't look that bad he smiles a little i mean it looks good it always looks good i I mean you look brave dauntless his eyes skirt mine and he scratches the back of his head the silence seems to grow between us it was a nice thing to say but he acts like it meant more than just words i hope I'm wrong i could not be attracted to L i could not be attracted to anyone that fragile i smile as much as my bruised cheek will allow hoping that'll diffuse the tension i should let you rest he says he gets up to leave but before he can go I grab his wrist allel are you okay i say he stares blankly at me and I add I mean is it getting any easier uh he shrugs a little he pulls his hand free and shoves it in his pocket the question must have embarrassed him because I've never seen him so red before if I spent my night sobbing into my pillow I'd be a little embarrassed too at least when I cry I know how to hide it i I lost to Drew after your fight with Peter he looks at me i took a few hits fell down and stayed there even though I didn't have to i figured I figured that since I beat Will if I lose all the rest I won't be ranked last but I won't have to hurt anyone anymore is that really what you want he looks down i just can't do it maybe that means I'm a coward you're not a coward just because you don't want to hurt people I say because I know it's the right thing to say even if I'm not sure I mean it for a moment we're both still looking at each other maybe I do mean it if he is a coward it isn't because he doesn't enjoy pain it's because he refuses to act he gives me a pain look and says "You think our families will visit us they say transfer families never come on visiting day." I don't know I say i don't know if it'd be good or bad if they did i think bad he nods yeah it's already hard enough he nods again as if confirming what he just said and walks away in less than a week the abnigation initiates will be able to visit their families for the first time since the choosing ceremony they'll go home and sit in their living rooms and interact with their parents for the first time as adults i used to look forward to that day i used to think about what I would say to my mother and father when I was allowed to ask them questions at the dinner table in less than a week the Dauntless Born initiates will find their families on the pit floor or in the glass building above the compound and do whatever it is the Dauntless do when they reunite maybe they take turns throwing knives at each other's heads it wouldn't surprise me and the transfer initiates with forgiving parents will be able to see them again too i suspect mine will not be among them not after my father's cry of outrage at the ceremony not after both their children left them maybe if I could have told them I was divergent and I was confused about what to choose they would have understood maybe they would have helped me figure out what divergent is and what it means and why it's dangerous but I didn't trust them with that secret so I'll never know i clench my teeth as the tears come i'm fed up i'm fed up with tears and weakness but there isn't much I can do to stop them maybe I drift up to sleep and maybe I don't later that night though I slip out of the room and go back to the dormatory the only thing worse than letting Peter put me in the hospital would be letting him put me there overnight chapter 11 the next morning I don't hear the alarm shuffling feet or conversations as the other initiates get ready i wake to Christina shaking my shoulder with one hand and tapping my cheek with the other she already wears a black jacket zipped up to her throat if she has bruises from yesterday's fight her dark skin makes them difficult to see come on she says up and at him i dreamt that Peter tied me to a chair and asked me if I was divergent i answered no and he punched me until I said yes i woke up with wet cheeks i mean to say something but all I can do is groan my body aches so badly it hurts to breathe it doesn't help that last night's bout of crying made my eyes swell christina offers me her hand the clock reads 8 and we're supposed to be at the tracks by 8:15 i'll run and get us some breakfast you just get ready it looks like it might take you a while she says i grunt trying not to bend at the waist I fumble in the drawer under my bed for a clean shirt luckily Peter isn't here to see me struggle once Christina leaves the dormator is empty i unbutton my shirt and stare at my bare side which is patched with bruises for a second the colors meme bright green and deep blue and brown i change as fast as I can and let my hair hang loose because I can't lift my arms to tie it back i look at my reflection in the small mirror on the back wall and see a stranger she's blonde like me with a narrow face like mine but that's where the similarities stop i don't have a black eye and a split lip and a bruised jaw i'm not as pale as a sheet she can't possibly be me though she moves when I move by the time Christina comes back a muffin in each hand I'm sitting on the edge of my bed staring at my untied shoes i'll have to bend over to tie them it'll hurt when I bend over but Christina just passes me a muffin and crouches in front of me to tie my shoes gratitude surges in my chest warm and a little like an ache maybe there's some abnigation in everyone even if they don't know it well in everyone but Peter thank you I say well we'd never get there on time if you had to tie them yourself she says come on you can eat and walk at the same time right we walk fast toward the pit the muffin is banana flavored with walnuts my mother baked bread like this once to give to the factionless but I never got to try it i was too old for coddling at that point i ignore the pinch in my stomach that comes every time I think of my mother and half walk half jog after Christina who forgets that her legs are longer than mine we climb the steps from the pit to the glass building above it and run to the exit every thump of my feet sends pain through my ribs but I ignore it we make it to the tracks just as the train arrives its horn blaring what took you so long will shouts over the horn stumpy legs over here turned into an old lady overnight says Christina well shut up i'm only half kidding for stands at the front of the pack so close to the tracks that if he shifted even an inch forward the train would take his nose with it he steps back to let some of the others get on first will hoist himself into the car with some difficulty landing first on his stomach and then dragging his legs in behind him for grabs the handle on the side of the car and pulls himself in smoothly like he doesn't have more than six feet of body to work with i jog next to the car wincing then grip my teeth and grab the handle on the side this is going to hurt al grabs me under each arm and lifts me easily into the car pain shoots through my side but it only lasts for a second i see Peter behind him and my cheeks get warm al was trying to be nice so I smile at him but I wish people didn't want to be so nice as if Peter didn't have enough ammunition already feeling okay there peter says giving me a look of mock sympathy his lips turned down his arched eyebrows pulled in or are you a little uh stiff he bursts into laughter at his joke and Molly and Drew join in molly has an ugly laugh all snorting and shaking shoulders and Drews is silent so it almost looks like he's in pain we're all awed by your incredible wit says Will yeah are you sure you don't belong with the Ariodite Peter christina adds "I hear they don't object to sissies." For standing in the doorway speaks before Peter can retort "am I going to have to listen to your bickering all the way to the fence?" Everyone gets quiet and for turns back to the car's opening he holds the handles on either side his arms stretching wide and leans forward so his body is mostly outside the car those feet stay planted inside the wind presses his shirt to his chest i try to look past him at what we're passing a sea of crumbling abandoned buildings that get smaller as we go every few seconds though my eyes shift back to four i don't know what I expect to see or what I want to see if anything but I do it without thinking i ask Christina "What do you think is out there?" I nod to the doorway i mean beyond the fence she shrugs "a bunch of farms I guess." "Yeah but I mean past the farms what are we guarding the city from?" She wriggles her fingers at me monsters i roll my eyes we didn't even have guards near the fence until 5 years ago says Will don't you remember when Dauntless police used to patrol the factionless sector yes I say i also remember that my father was one of the people who voted to get the Dauntless out of the factionless sector of the city he said the poor don't need policing they need help and we could give it to them but I would rather not mention that now or here it's one of the many things Arudite gives as evidence of Abnigation's incompetence oh right he says i bet you saw them all the time why do you say that i ask a little too sharply i don't want to be associated too closely with the factionless because you had to pass the factionless sector to get to the school right what did you do memorize a map of the city for fun says Christina yes says Will looking puzzled didn't you the train's brakes squeal and we all lurch forward as the car slows i'm grateful for the movement it makes standing easier the dilapidated buildings are gone replaced by yellow fields and train tracks the train stops under an awning i lower myself to the grass holding the handle to keep me steady in front of me is a chainlink fence with barbed wire strung along the top when I walk forward I notice that it continues farther than I can see perpendicular to the horizon past the fence is a cluster of trees most of them dead some green milling around on the other side of the fence are dauntless guards carrying guns follow me says four i stay close to Christina i don't want to admit it not even to myself but I feel calmer when I'm near her if Peter tries to taunt me she'll defend me silently I scold myself for being such a coward peter's insult shouldn't bother me and I should focus on getting better at combat not on how badly I did yesterday and I should be willing if not able to defend myself instead of relying on other people to do it for me for leads us toward the gate which is as wide as a house and opens up to the cracked road that leads to the city when I came here with my family as a child we rode in a bus on that road and beyond to Amy's farms where we spent the day picking tomatoes and sweating through our shirts another pinch in my stomach if you don't rank in the top five at the end of initiation you'll probably end up here says four as he reaches the gate once you're a fence guard there's some potential for advancement but not much you may be able to go on patrols beyond AMD's farms but patrols for what purpose asks Will for lifts his shoulder i suppose you'll discover that if you find yourself among them as I was saying for the most part those who guard the fence when they're young continue to guard the fence if it comforts you some of them insist that it isn't as bad as it seems yeah at least we won't be driving buses or cleaning up other people's messes like the factionless christina whispers in my ear "what rank were you?" Peter asks for i don't expect for to answer but he looks lovely at Peter and says "I was first." "And you chose to do this?" Peter's eyes are wide and round and dark they would look innocent to me if I didn't know what a terrible person he is why don't you get a government job i didn't want one For says flatly i remember what he said on the first day about working in the control room where the Dauntless monitor the city security it's difficult for me to imagine him there surrounded by computers to me he belongs in the training room we learned about faction jobs in school the Dauntless had limited options we can guard the fence or work the security of our city we can work in the Dauntless compound drawing tattoos or making weapons or even fighting each other for entertainment or we can work for the Dauntless leaders that sounds like my best option the only problem is that my rank is terrible that I might be factionless by the end of stage one we stop next to the gate a few dauntless guards glance in our direction but not many they're too busy pulling the doors which are twice as tall as they are and several times wider open to admit a truck the man driving wears a hat a beard and a smile he stops just inside the gate and gets out the back of the truck is open and a few other Amity sit among the stacks of crates i peer at the crates they hold apples beatric an amity boy says my head jerks at the sound of my name one of the Amity in the back of the truck stands he has curly blonde hair and a familiar nose wide at the tip and narrow at the bridge robert i try to remember him at the choosing ceremony and nothing comes to mind but the sound of my heart in my ears who else transferred did Susan are there any abnigation initiates this year if abnigation's fizzling then it's our fault roberts and Caleb's and mine mine i push the throat from my mind robert hawks down from the truck he wears a gray t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans after a second's hesitation he moves toward me and folds me in his arms i stiffen only in Amity do people hug each other in greeting i don't move a muscle until he releases me his own smile fades when he looks at me again beatatric what happened to you what happened to your face nothing I say just training nothing beatatrice demands a nasal voice next to me molly folds her arms and laughs is that your real name Stiff i glance at her what did you think Tris was short for oh I don't know weakling she touches her chin if her chin was bigger it might balance out her nose but it's weak and almost recedes into her neck "oh wait that doesn't start with Tris my mistake." "There's no need to antagonize her," Robert says softly "i'm Robert and you are someone who doesn't care what your name is," she says "why don't you get back in your truck we're not supposed to fraternize with the other faction members." "Why don't you get away from us?" I snap right wouldn't want to get between you and your boyfriend she says she walks away smiling robert gives me a sad look they don't seem like nice people and some of them aren't you could go home you know i'm sure abnigation would make an exception for you what makes you think I want to go home i ask my cheeks hot you think I can't handle this or something well it's not that he shakes his head it's not that you can't it's that you shouldn't have to you should be happy this is what I chose this is it i look over Robert's shoulder the dauntless guards seem to have finished examining the truck the bearded man gets back in the driver's seat and closes the door behind him besides Robert the goal of my life isn't just to be happy wouldn't it be easier if it was though he says before I can answer he touches my shoulder and turns toward the truck a girl in the back has a banjo in her lap she starts to strum it as Robert hoist himself inside and the truck starts forward carrying a banjo sounds in her warbling voice away from us robert waves to me and again I see another possible life in my mind's eye i see myself in the back of the truck singing with the girl though I've never sung before laughing when I'm off key climbing trees to pick the apples always peaceful and always safe the dauntless guards close the gate and lock it behind them the lock is on the outside i bite my lip why would they lock the gate from the outside and not the inside it almost seems like they don't want to keep something out they want to keep us in i pushed the thought out of my head that makes no sense four steps away from the fence where he was talking to a female Dauntless guard with a gun balanced on his shoulder a moment before i'm worried that you have a knack for making unwise decisions he says when he's a foot away from me i cross my arms it was a two-minute conversation i don't think a smaller time frame makes it any less unwise he froze his eyebrows and touches the corner of my bruised eye with his fingertips my head jerks back but he doesn't take his hand away instead he tilts his head in size you know if you could just learn to attack first you might do better attack first I say how will that help you're fast if you can get a few good hits in before you know what's going on you could win he shrugs and his hand falls i'm surprised you know that I say quietly since you left halfway through my one and only fight it wasn't something I wanted to watch he says what's that supposed to mean he clears his throat looks like the next train is here time to go Tris chapter 12 i crawl across my mattress and heai it's been 2 days since my fight with Peter my bruises are turning purple blue i've gotten used to aching every time I move so now I move better but I'm still far from healed even though I'm still injured I had to fight again today luckily this time I was paired against Myra who can throw a punch if someone was controlling her arm for her i got a good hit in during the first two minutes she fell down and was too dizzy to get back up i should feel triumphant but there's no triumph in punching a girl like Myra the second I touch my head to the pillow the door to the dormatory opens and people stream into the room with flashlights i sit up almost hitting my head on the bed frame above me and squint through the dark to see what's going on everybody up someone roars a flashlight shines behind his head making the rings in his ears glint eric surrounding him are the other dauntless some of whom I've seen in the pit some of whom I've never seen before four stands among them his eyes shift to mine and stay there i stare back and forget that all around me the transfers are getting out of bed did you go deaf stiff demands Eric i snap out of my days and slide out from beneath the blankets i'm glad I sleep fully clothed because Christina stands next to her bunk wearing only a t-shirt her long legs bare she folds her arms and stares at Eric i wish suddenly that I could stare so boldly at someone with hardly any clothes on but I would never be able to do that you have 5 minutes to get dressed and meet us by the tracks says Eric we're going on another field trip i shove my feet into shoes and sprint wincing behind Christina on the way to the train a drop of sweat rolls down the back of my neck as we run up the pass along the walls of the pit pushing past members on our way up they don't seem surprised to see us i wonder how many frantic running people they see on a weekly basis we make it to the tracks just behind the Dauntless next to the tracks is a black pile i make out a cluster of long gun barrels and trigger guards are we going to shoot something christina hisses in my ear next to the pile of boxes of what look like ammunition i inch closer to read one of the boxes written on it is paintballs i've never heard of them before but the name is self-explanatory i laugh "everyone grab a gun!" shouts Eric we rush toward the pile "i'm the closest to it so I snatch the first gun I can find which is heavy but not too heavy for me to lift and grab a box of paintballs." I shove the box in my pocket and sling the gun across my back so the strap crosses my chest "time estimate?" Eric asks for four checks his watch "any minute now how long is it going to take you to memorize the train schedule?" "Why should I when I have you to remind me of it?" says Eric shoving For's shoulder a circle of light appears on my left far away it grows larger as it comes closer shining against the side of For's face creating a shadow in the faint hollow beneath his cheekbone he's the first to get on the train and I run after him not waiting for Christina or Will or Al to follow me ford turns around as I fall into stride next to the car and holds out a hand i grab his arm and he pulls me in even the muscles in his forearm are tout defined i let go quickly without looking at him and sit down on the other side of the car once everyone is in for speaks up we'll be dividing into two teams to play capture the flag each team will have an even mix of members Dauntless initiates and transfers one team will get off first and find a place to hide their flag then the second team will get off and do the same the car sways and four grabs the side of the doorway for balance this is a dauntless tradition so I suggest you take it seriously what do we get if we win someone shouts sounds like the kind of question someone not from Dauntless would ask says four raising an eyebrow you get to win of course four and I will be your team captains says Eric he looks at four let's divide up transfers first shall we i tilt my head back if they're picking us I'll be chosen last i can feel it you go first For says eric shrugs edward for leans against the door frame and nods the moonlight makes his eyes bright he scans the group of transfer initiates briefly without calculation and says "I want the stiff." A faint undercurrent of laughter fills the car heat rushes into my cheeks "i don't know whether to be angry at the people laughing at me or flattered by the fact that he chose me first." "Got something to prove?" asks Eric with his trademark smirk "are you just picking the weak ones so that if you lose you'll have someone to blame it on?" Four shrugs something like that angry i should definitely be angry i scallop my hands whatever force strategy is it's based on the idea that I'm weaker than the other initiates and it gives me a bitter taste in my mouth i have to prove him wrong i have to your turn says four peter Christina that throws a wrench in his strategy christina is not one of the weak ones what exactly is he doing molly will says four biting his thumbnail al Drew last one left is Myra so she's with me says Eric dauntless born initiates next i stop listening once they're finished with us if For isn't trying to prove something by choosing the weak and what's he doing i look at each person he chooses what do we have in common once they're halfway through the Dauntless Born initiates I have an idea of what it is with the exception of Will and a couple of the others we all share the same body type narrow shoulders small frames all the people on Eric's team are broad and strong just yesterday four told me I was fast we'll all be faster than Eric's team which will probably be good for capture the flag i haven't played before but I know it's a game of speed rather than brute force i cover a smile with my hand eric's more ruthless than four but four is smarter they finish choosing teams and Eric smirks at four your team can get off second says Eric don't do me any favors Bo replies he smiles a little you know I don't need them to win no I know that you'll lose no matter when you get off says Eric biting down briefly on one of the rings in his lip take your scrawny team and get off first then we all stand up al gives me a floren look and I smile back in what I hope is a reassuring way if any of the four of us had to end up on the same team as Eric or Peter and Molly at least it was him they usually leave him alone the train is about to dip to the ground and I'm determined to land on my feet just before I jump someone shows my shoulder and I almost topple out of the train car i don't look back to see who it is molly Drew or Peter doesn't matter which one before they can try it again I jump this time I'm ready for the momentum the train gives me and I run a few steps to diffuse it but keep my balance fierce pleasure courses through me and I smile it's a small accomplishment but it makes me feel dauntless one of the dumplings born initiates touches for shoulder and asks when your team won where'd you put the flag telling you wouldn't really be in the spirit of the exercise Marlene he says coolly oh come on for she whines she gives him a flirtatious smile he brushes her hand off his arm and for some reason I find myself grinning navy pier another dauntless initiate calls out he's tall with brown skin and dark eyes handsome my brother was on the winning team they kept the flag at the carousel let's go there then suggests Will no one objects so we walk east toward the marsh that was once a lake when I was young I tried to imagine what it would look like as a lake with no fence built into the mud to keep the city safe but it is difficult to imagine that much water in one place we're close to Ariodite headquarters right asked Christina bubbing Will's shoulder with her own uh yeah it's south of here he says he looks over his shoulder and for a second his expression is full of longing then it's gone i'm less than a mile away from my brother it's been a week since we were that close together i shake my head a little to get the thought out of my mind i can't think about him today when I have to focus on making it through stage one i can't think about him any day we walk across the bridge we still need the bridges because the mud beneath them is too wet to walk on wonder how long it's been since the river dried up once we cross the bridge the city changes behind us most of the buildings were in use and even if they weren't they look well tended in front of us is a sea of crumbling concrete and broken glass the silence of this part of the city is eerie it feels like a nightmare it's hard to see where I'm going because it's after midnight and all the city lights are off merlene takes out a flashlight and shines it at the street in front of us scared of the dark Mar the darkeyed dauntless born initiate teases if you want to step on broken glass be my guest she snaps but she turns it off anyway i've realized that part of being dauntless is being willing to make things more difficult for yourself in order to be self-sufficient there's nothing especially brave about wandering dark streets with no flashlight but we're not supposed to need help even from light we're supposed to be capable of anything i like that because there might come a day when there is no flashlight there is no gun there's no guiding hand and I want to be ready for it the buildings end just before the marsh a strip of land juts out into the marsh and rising from it is a giant white wheel with dozens of red passenger cars dangling from it at regular intervals the ferris wheel think about it people used to ride that thing for fun says Will shaking his head it must have been Dauntless I say yeah but it's a lame version of Dauntless christina laughs a dauntless ferris wheel wouldn't have cars you just hang on tight with your hands and good luck to you we walk down the side of the pier all the buildings on my left are empty their signs torn down and their windows closed but it's a clean kind of emptiness whoever left these places left them by choice and at their leisure some places in the city are not like that dare you to jump into the marsh says Christina to Will you first we reach the carousel some of the horses are scratched and weathered their tails broken off and their saddles chipped for takes the flag out of his pocket in 10 minutes the other team will pick their location he says "I suggest you take this time to formulate a strategy we may not be Ariodite but mental preparedness is one aspect of your dauntless training arguably it's the most important aspect." He's right about that what good is a prepared body if you have a scattered mind will takes the flag from four some people should stay here and guard and some people should go out and scout the other team's location Will says yeah you think marlene plucks the flank from Will's fingers who put you in charge transfer no one says Will but someone's got to do it maybe we should develop a more defensive strategy wait for them to come to us and then take them out suggest Christina that's a way out Uriah says i vote we all go out hide the flag well enough that they can't find it everyone bursts into the conversation at once their voices louder with each passing second christina defends Will's plan the Dauntlessborn initiates vote for offense everyone argues about who should make the decision for sits down on the edge of the carousel leaning against a plastic horse's foot his eyes lift to the sky where there are no stars only a round moon peeking through a layer of clouds the muscles in his arms are relaxed his hand rests on the back of his neck he looks almost comfortable holding that gun to his shoulder i close my eyes briefly why does he distract me so easily i need to focus what would I say if I could shout above the sniping behind me we can't act until we know where the other team is they could be anywhere within a 2-m radius although I can't rule out the empty marsh as an option the best way to find them is not argue about how to search for them or how many to send out in a search party is to climb as high as possible i look over my shoulder to make sure no one's watching none of them look at me so I walk toward the ferris wheel with light quiet footsteps pressing my gun to my back with one hand to keep it from making noise when I stare up at the ferris wheel from the ground my throat feels tighter it is taller than I thought so tall I can barely see the car swinging at the top the only good thing about its height is that it's built to support the weight if I climb it it won't collapse beneath me my heart pumps faster will I really risk my life for this to win a game that Dauntless like to play it's so dark I can barely see them but when I stare at the huge rusted supports holding the wheel in place I see the rungs of a ladder each support is only as wide as my shoulders and there are no railings to hold me in but climbing the ladder is better than climbing the spokes of the wheel i grab a rung it's rusty and thin and feels like it might crumble in my hands i put my weight on the lowest rung to test it and jump to make sure it'll hold me up the movement hurts my ribs and I wse tris a low voice says behind me i don't know why it doesn't startle me maybe because I'm becoming dauntless and mental readiness is something I'm supposed to develop maybe because his voice is low and smooth and almost soothing whatever the reason I look over my shoulder four stands behind me with his gun slung across his back just like mine yes I say i came to find out what you think you're doing i'm seeking higher ground I say i don't think I'm doing anything i see a smile in the dark all right I'm coming i pause a second he doesn't look at me the way Will Christine and Al sometimes do like I'm too small and too weak to be of any use and they pity me for it but if he insists on coming with me it's probably because he doubts me i'll be fine I say undoubtedly he replies i don't hear the sarcasm but I know it's there it has to be i climb and when I'm a few feet off the ground he comes after me he moves faster than I do and soon his hands find the rungs that my feet leave "so tell me," he says quietly as we climb he sounds breathless "what do you think the purpose of this exercise is?" "The game I mean not the climbing." I stare down at the pavement it seems far away now but I'm not even a third of the way up above me is a platform just below the center of the wheel that's my destination i don't even think about how I'll climb back down the breeze that brushed my cheeks earlier now presses against my side the higher we go the stronger it'll get i need to be ready learning about strategy I say teamwork maybe teamwork he repeats a laugh hitches in his throat sounds like a panicked breath well maybe not I say teamwork doesn't seem to be a dauntless priority the wind is stronger now i press closer to the white support so I don't fall but that makes it hard to climb below me the carousel looks small i can barely see my team under the awning some of them are missing a search party must have left for says "It's supposed to be a priority it used to be but I'm not really listening because the height is dizzying my hands ache from holding the rungs my legs are shaking but I'm not sure why it isn't the height that scares me the height makes me feel alive with energy every organ and vessel and muscle in my body singing at the same pitch then I realize what it is it's him something about him makes me feel like I'm about to fall or turn to liquid or burst into flames my hand almost misses the next rung now tell me he says through a bursting breath why do you think learning strategy has to do with bravery the question reminds me that he's my instructor i'm supposed to learn something from this a cloud passes over the moon and the light shifts across my hands it it prepares you to act I say finally you learn strategy so you can use it i hear him breathing behind me loud and fast are you all right for it are you human Trist being up this high he gulps for air it doesn't scare you at all i look over my shoulder at the ground if I fall now I'll die but I don't think I'll fall a gust of air pressed against my left side throwing my body weight to the right i gasp and cling to the rungs my balance shifting for's cold hand clams around one of my hips one of his fingers finding a strip of bare skin just under the hem of my t-shirt he squeezes steadying me and pushing me gently to the left restoring my balance now I can't breathe i pause staring at my hands my mouth dry i feel the ghost of where his hand was his fingers long and narrow you okay yes quietly yes I say my voice strained i keep climbing silently until I reach the platform judging by the blunted ends of metal rods it used to have railings but it doesn't anymore i sit down and scoot to the end of it so far as somewhere to sit without thinking I put my legs over to the side four however crouches and presses his back to the metal support breathing heavily you're afraid of heights I say how do you survive in the Dauntless compound i ignore my fear he says when I make decisions I pretend it doesn't exist i stare at him for a second i can't help it to me there's a difference between not being afraid and acting in spite of fear as he does i've been staring at him too long what he says quietly nothing i look away from him and toward the city i have to focus i climbed up here for a reason the city's pitch black but even if it wasn't I wouldn't be able to see very far a building stands in my way we're not high enough I say i look up above me is a tangle of white bars the wheel scaffolding if I climb carefully I can wedge my feet between the supports and the crossbars and stay secure or as secure as possible i'm going to climb I say standing up i grab one of the bars above my head and pull myself up shooting pains go through my bruised sides but I ignore them "for God's sake Stiff," he says "you don't have to follow me," I say staring at the maze of bars above me i shove my foot onto the place where two bars cross and push myself up grabbing another bar in the process i sway for a second my heart beating so hard I can't feel anything else every thought I have condenses into that heartbeat moving at the same rhythm "yes I do," he says this is crazy and I know it a fraction of an inch of mistake half a second of hesitation in my life is over heat tears through my chest and I smile as I grab the next bar i pull myself up my arms shaking and force my leg under me so I'm standing on another bar when I feel steady I look down at four but instead of seeing him I see straight to the ground i can't breathe i imagine my body plummeting smacking into the bars as it falls down my limbs had broken ankles on the pavement just like Rita's sister when she didn't make it onto the roof for grabs a bar with each hand and pulls himself up easy like he's sitting up in bed but he's not comfortable or natural here every muscle in his arm stands out it's a stupid thing for me to think when I'm 100 ft off the ground i grab another bar find another place to wedge my foot when I look at the city again the building isn't in my way i'm high enough to see the skyline most of the buildings are black against a navy sky but the red lights at the top of the harbor lit up they blink half as fast as my heartbeat beneath the buildings the streets look like tunnels for a few seconds I see only a dark blanket over the land in front of me just faint differences between building and sky and street and ground then I see a tiny pulsing light on the ground see that i say pointing for stops climbing when he's right behind me and looks over my shoulder his chin next to my head his breaths flutter against my ear and I feel shaky again like I did when I was climbing the ladder yeah he says a smile spreads over his face it's coming from the park at the end of the pier he says figures surrounded by open space but the trees provide some camouflage obviously not enough okay I say i look over my shoulder at him we're so close I forget where I am instead I notice the corners of his mouth turned down naturally just like mine and that he has a scar on his chin "um," I say i clear my throat "start climbing down i I'll follow you." For nods and steps down his leg is so long that he finds a place for his foot easily and guides his body between the bars even in darkness I see that his hands are bright red and shaking i step down with one foot pressing my weight into one of the crossbarss the bar caks beneath me and comes loose clattering against half a dozen bars on the way down and bouncing on the pavement i'm dangling from the scaffolding with my toes swinging midair a strangled gasp escapes me four i try to find another place to put my foot while the nearest foothold is a few feet away farther than I can stretch my hands are sweaty i remember wiping them on my slacks before the choosing ceremony before the aptitude test before every important moment and suppress a scream i'll slip i'll slip hold on he shouts just hold on i have an idea he keeps climbing down he's moving in the wrong direction he should be coming toward me not going away from me i stare at my hands which are wrapped around the narrow bars so tightly my knuckles are white my fingers are dark red almost purple they won't last long i won't last long i squeeze my eyes shut better not to look better to pretend that none of this exists i hear four sneakers squeak against metal in rapid footsteps on ladder rungs four I yell maybe he left maybe he abandoned me maybe this is a test of my strength of my bravery i breathe in my nose and out of my mouth i count my breath to calm down one two in out come on for is all I can think come on do something then I hear something weeze and creek the bar I'm holding shutters and I scream through my clenched teeth as if to fight to keep my grip the wheel is moving air wraps around my ankles and wrists as the wind gushes up like a geyser i open my eyes i'm moving toward the ground i laugh giddy with hysteria as the ground comes closer and closer but I'm picking up speed if I don't drop at the right time the moving cars and metal scaffolding will drag at my body and carry me with them and then I will really die every muscle in my body tenses as I hurdle toward the ground when I can see the cracks on the sidewalk I drop and my body slams into the ground feet first my legs collapse beneath me and I pull my arms in rolling as fast as I can to the side the cement scrapes my face and I turn just in time to see a car bearing down on me like a giant shoe about to crush me i roll again and the bottom of the car skims my shoulder i'm safe i press my palms to my face i don't try to get up if I did I'm sure I would just fall back down i hear footsteps and for his hands wrap around my wrists i let him prime my hands for my eyes he encloses one of my hands perfectly between two of his the warmth of his skin overwhelms the ache of my fingers from holding the bars "you all right?" he asks pressing our hands together "yeah," he starts to laugh after a second I laugh too with my free hand I push myself into a sitting position i'm aware of how little space there is between us 6 in at most that space feels charged with electricity i feel like it should be smaller he stands pulling me up with him the wheel is still moving creating a wind that tosses my hair back you could have told me that the ferris wheel still worked I say i try to sound casual we wouldn't have had to climb in the first place i would have if I'd known he says couldn't just let you hang there so I took a risk come on time to get their flag four hesitates for a moment and then takes my arm his fingertips pressing to the inside of my elbow in other factions he would give me time to recover but he's dauntless so he smiles at me and starts toward the carousel where team members guard our flag and I half run half limp beside him i still feel weak but my mind is awake especially with his hand on me christine is perched on one of the horses her long legs crossed and her hand around the pole holding the plastic animal upright our flag is behind her a glowing triangle in the dark three Dauntlessborn initiates stand among the other worn and dirty animals one of them has his hand on a horse's head and a scratched horsey stares at me between his fingers sitting on the edge of the carousel is an older dauntless scratching her quadruple pierced eyebrow with her thumb "where'd the others go?" asks For he looks as excited as I feel his eyes wide with energy "did you guys turn on the wheel?" The older girl says "What the hell are you thinking you might as well have just shouted "Here we are come and get us." She shakes her head if I lose again this year the shame will be unbearable three years in a row the wheel doesn't matter says four we know where they are we says Christina looking from four to me yes while the rest of you were twiddling your thumbs Tris climbed the ferris wheel to look for the other team he says "What do we do now then?" asked one of the Dauntless initiates through a yawn ford looks at me slowly the eyes of the other initiates including Christina migrate from him to me i tense my shoulders about to shrug and say "I don't know." Then an image of the pier stretching out beneath me comes into my mind i have an idea split in half I say four of us go to the right side of the pier three to the left the other team is in the park at the end of the pier so the group of four will charge as the group of three sneaks behind the other team to get the flag christina looks at me like she no longer recognizes me i don't blame her sounds good says the older girl clapping her hands together let's get this night over with shall we christina joins me in the group going to the right along with Uriah whose smile looks white against his skin's bronze i didn't notice before but he has a tattoo of a snake behind his ear i stare at its tail curling around his earlobe for a moment but then Christina starts running and I have to follow her i have to run twice as fast to match my short strides to her long ones as I run I realize that only one of us will get to touch the flag it won't matter that it was my plan and my information that got us to it if I'm not the one who grabs it though I can hardly breathe as it is I run faster and I'm on Christina's heels i pull my gun around my body holding my finger over the trigger we reach the end of the pier and I clamp my mouth shut to keep my loud breaths in we slow down so our footsteps aren't as loud and I look for the blinking light again now that I'm on the ground it's bigger and easier to see i point and Christina nods leading the way toward it then I hear a course of yells so loud they make me jump i hear puffs of air as paintballs go flying and splats as they find their targets our team is charged the other team runs to meet us and the flag is almost unguarded uriah takes aim and shoots the last guard in the thigh the guard a short girl with purple hair throws her gun to the ground in a tantrum i sprint to catch up to Christina the flag hangs from a tree branch high above my head i reach for it and so does Christina come on Tris she says "You're already the hero of the day and you know you can't reach it anyway." She gives me a patronizing look the way people sometimes look at children when they act too adult and snatches the flag from the branch without looking at me she turns and gives a whoop of victory uriah's voice joins hers and then I hear a chor of yells in the distance uriah claps my shoulder and I try to forget about the look Christina gave me maybe she's right i've already proved myself today i don't want to be greedy i don't want to be like Eric terrified of other people's strength the shouts of triumph become infectious and I lift my voice to join in running toward my teammates christina holds the flank up high and everyone clusters around her grabbing her arm to lift the flag even higher i can't reach her so I stand off to the side grinning a hand touches my shoulder well done Force says quietly i can't believe I missed it Will says again shaking his head wind coming through the doorway of the train car blows his hair in every direction you're performing the very important job of staying out of our way says Christina beaming al grans why do I have to be on the other team because life's not fair Albert and the word is conspiring against you says Will hey can I see the flag again peter Molly and Drew sit across from the members in the corner their chest and backs are splattered with blue and pink paint and they look dejected they speak quietly sneaking looks at the rest of us especially Christina that's the benefit of not holding the flag right now i'm no one's target or at least no more than usual so you climb the ferris wheel huh says Uriah he stumbles across the car and sits next to me marlene the girl with a flirty smile follows him yes I say pretty smart of you like Ariodite smart Marlene says i'm Marlene a Tris I say at home being compared to an ariodite would be an insult but she says it like it's a compliment yeah I know who you are she says the first jumper tends to stick in your head it's been years since I jumped off a building in my abnigation uniform it's been decades uriah takes one of the paintballs from his gun and squeezes it between his thumb and index finger the train lurches to the left and Uriah falls against me his fingers pinching the paintball until a stream of pink foul smelling paint sprays on my face marlene collapses and giggles i wipe some of the paint from my face slowly and then smear it on his cheek the scent of fish oil washed through the train car ew he squeezes the ball at me again but the opening is at the wrong angle and the paint sprays into his mouth instead he coughs and makes exaggerating gagging sounds i wipe my face with my sleeve laughing so hard my stomach hurts if my entire life is like this loud laughter and bold action and the kind of exhaustion you feel after a hard but satisfying day I'll be content as Uriah scrapes his tongue with his fingertips I realize that all I have to do is get through initiation and that life will be mine chapter 13 the next morning when I trudge into the training room yawning a large target stands at one end of the room and next to the door is a table with knives thrown across it target practice again at least it won't hurt eric stands in the middle of the room his posture so rigid it looks like someone replaced his spine with a metal rod the sight of him makes me feel like all the air in the room is heavier bearing down on me at least when he was slashed against a wall I could pretend he wasn't here today I can't pretend tomorrow will be the last day of stage one eric says you resume fighting then today you'll be learning how to aim everyone pick up three knives his voice is deeper than usual and pay attention while four demonstrates the correct technique for throwing them at first no one moves now we scramble for dankers they aren't as heavy as guns but they still feel strange in my hands like I'm not allowed to hold them he's in a bad mood today mumbles Christina is he ever in a good mood i murmur back but I know what she means judging by the poisonous look Eric gives for when he isn't paying attention last night's loss must have bothered Eric more than he let on wouldn't capture the flag is a matter of pride and pride is important to the Dauntless more important than reason or sense i watch for's arm as he throws a knife the next time he throws I watch his stance he hits the target each time exhaling as he releases the knife a recorder's line up haste I think will not help my mother told me that when I was learning how to knit i have to think of this as a mental exercise not a physical exercise so I spend the first few minutes practicing without a knife finding the right stance learning the right arm motion eric paces too quickly behind us i think the stiff's taking too many hits to the head remarks Peter a few people down hey Stiff remember what a knife is ignoring him I practice the throw again with a knife in hand but don't release it i shut out Eric's pacing and Peter's jeering and the nagging feeling that four is staring at me and throw the knife it spins end over end slamming into the board the blade doesn't stick but I'm the first person to hit the target i smirk as Peter misses again i can't help myself "hey Peter," I say "remember what a target is?" Next to me Christina snorts and her knife hits the target a half hour later Al is the only initiate who hasn't hit the target yet his knife is clattered to the floor or bounce off the wall while the rest of us approach the board to collect our weapons he hunts the floor for his the next time he tries and misses Eric marches toward him and demands "How slow are you Cander do you need glasses should I move the target closer to you?" Al's face turns red he throws another knife and this one sails a few feet to the right of the target it spins and hits the wall "what was that initiate," says Eric quietly leaning close to Al i bite my lip "this isn't good." "It it slipped," says Al "well I think you should go get it," Eric says he scans the other initiates faces everyone has stopped throwing again and says "Did I tell you to stop?" Knives start to hit the board we've all seen Eric angry before but this is different the look in his eyes is almost rabid go get it al's eyes are wide but everyone's still throwing and And I don't want to get hit i think you can trust your fellow initiates to aim better than you eric smiles a little but his eyes stay cruel go hit your knife al doesn't usually object to anything the Dauntless tell us to do i don't think he's afraid to he just knows that objecting is useless this time Al sets his wide jaw he's reached the limits of his compliance no he says why not eric's beady eyes fix on Al's face are you afraid of getting stabbed by an airborne knife says Al yes I am honesty is his mistake not his refusal which Eric might have accepted everyone stop Eric shouts the knives stop and so does all conversation i hold my small dagger tightly clear out of the ring Eric looks at Al all accept you i drop the dagger and it hits the dusty floor with a thud i follow the other initiates to the edge of the room then they inch in front of me eager to see what makes my stomach turn al facing Eric's wrath stand in front of the target says Eric al's big hands shake he walks back to the target hey four eric looks over his shoulder give me a hand here huh for scratches one of his eyebrows with a knife point and approaches Eric he has dark circles under his eyes and a tense set to his mouth he's as tired as we are you're going to stand there as he throws those knives eric says to Al "until you learn not to flinch." "Is this really necessary?" says four he sounds bored but he doesn't look bored his body and face are tense alert i squeeze my hands into fists no matter how casual Force sounds the question is a challenge and four doesn't often challenge Eric directly at first Eric stares at four in silence four stares back seconds pass and my fingernails bite my palms i have the authority here remember eric says so quietly I can barely hear him here and everywhere else color rushes into For's face though his expression does not change his grip on the knives tightens and his knuckles turn white as he turns to face Al i look from Al's wide dark eyes to his shaking hands to the determined set of Four's jaw anger bubbles in my chest and bursts from my mouth stop it four turns the knife in his hand his fingers are moving painstakingly over the metal edge he gives me such a hard look that I feel like he's turning me to stone i know why i'm stupid for speaking up while Eric is here i'm stupid for speaking up at all any idiot can stand in front of a target i say it doesn't prove anything except that you're bullying us which as I recall is a sign of cowardice then it should be easy for you Eric says if you're willing to take his place the last thing I want to do is stand in front of that target but I can't back down now i didn't leave myself the option i weave through the crowd of initiates and someone shoves my shoulder there goes your pretty face he says Peter oh wait you don't have one i recover my balance and walk toward L he nods at me i try to smile encouragingly but I can't manage it i stand in front of the board and my head doesn't even reach the center of the target but it doesn't matter i look at four's knives one in his right hand and two in his left my throat is dry i try to swallow and then look at four he's never sloppy he won't hit me i'll be fine i tip my chin up i will not flinch if I flinch I prove to Eric that this is not as easy as I said it was i prove that I'm a coward if you flinch for says slowly carefully al takes your place understand i nod for's eyes are still on mine when he lifts his hand pulls his elbow back and throws the knife it's just a flash in the air and then I hear a thud the knife is buried in the board half a foot away from my cheek i close my eyes thank God you about done stiff asks four i remember Al's wide eyes and his quiet sobs at night and shake my head no eyes open then he taps the spot between his eyebrows i stare at him pressing my hands to my side so no one can see them shake he passes a knife from his left hand to his right hand and I see nothing but his eyes as the second knife hits the target above my head this one is closer than the last one i feel it hovering over my skull come on Stiff he says let someone stand there and take it why is he trying to goat me into giving up does he want me to fail shut up for I hold my breath as he turns the last knife in his hand i see a glint in his eyes as he pulls his arm back and lets the knife fly they come straight at me spinning blade over handle my body goes rigid this time when it hits the board my ears sting and blood tickles my skin i touch my ear he nicked it and judging by the look he gives me he did it on purpose i'd love to stay and see the rest of you be as daring as she is says Eric his voice smooth but I think that's enough for today he squeezes my shoulder his fingers feel dry and cold and the look he gives me claims me like he's taking ownership of what I did i don't return Eric's smile what I did has nothing to do with him i should keep my eye on you he adds fear prickles inside me in my chest and in my head and in my hands i feel like the word divergent is branded on my forehead if he looks at me long enough he'll be able to read it but he just lifts his hand from my shoulder and keeps walking for and I stay behind i wait until the room is empty and the door is shut before looking at him again he walks toward me is your he begins you did that on purpose i shout yes I did he says quietly and you should thank me for helping you i grit my teeth thank you you almost stabbed my ear and you spent the entire time taunting me why should I thank you you know I'm getting a little tired of waiting for you to catch on he glares at me and even when he glares his eyes look thoughtful the shade of blue is peculiar so dark it's almost black with a small patch of lighter blue on the left iris catching right onto the corner of his eye catch on catch on what that you want to prove to Eric how tough you are that you're sadistic just like he is i'm not sadistic he doesn't yell i wish he would yell it would scare me less he leans his face close to mine which reminds me of lying inches away from the attack dog's fangs in the aptitude test and says "If I wanted to hurt you don't you think I would have already?" He crosses the room and slams the point of a knife so hard into the table it sticks there handled toward the ceiling "i I start to shout but he's already gone." I scream frustrated and wipe some of the blood from my ear chapter 14 today is the day before visiting day i think of visiting day like I think of the world ending nothing after it matters everything I do builds up to it i might see my parents again i might not which is worse i don't know i try to pull a pant leg over my thigh and it sticks to just above my knee frowning I stare at my leg a bulge of muscle is stopping the fabric i let the pant leg fall and look over my shoulder and at the back of my thigh another muscle stands out there i step to the side so I stand in front of the mirror i see muscles that I couldn't see before in my arms legs and stomach i pinch my side where a layer of fat used to hint at curves to come nothing dauntless initiation has stolen whatever softness my body had is that good or bad at least I'm stronger than I was i wrap my towel around me again and leave the girl's bathroom i hope no one's in the dormatory to see me walking in my towel but I can't wear those pants when I open the dormatory door a weight drops in my stomach peter Molly Drew and some of the other initiates stand in the back corner laughing they look up when I walk in and start snickering molly's snort laugh is louder than everyone else's i walk to my bunk trying to pretend like they aren't there and fumble in the drawer under my bed for the dress Christina made me get one hand clamped around the towel and no one holding the dress i stand up and right behind me is Peter i jump back almost hitting my head on Christina's bunk i try to slip past him but he slams his hand against Christina's bed frame blocking my path i should have known he wouldn't let me get away that easily didn't realize you were so skinny Stiff get away from me my voice is somehow steady this isn't the hub you know no one has to follow a stiff's orders here his eyes travel down my body not in the greedy way that a man looks at a woman but cruy scrutinizing every flaw i hear my heartbeat in my ears as the others inch closer forming a pack behind Peter this will be bad i have to get out of here out of the corner of my eye I see a clear path to the door if I can duck under Peter's arm and sprint toward it I might be able to make it look at her says Molly crossing her arms she smirks at me she's practically a child i don't know says Drew she could be hiding something under that towel why don't we look and see now i duck under Peter's arm and dart toward the door something pinches and pulls up my towel as I walk away then yanks sharply peter's hand gathering the fabric into his fist the towel slips from my hand and the air is cold on my naked body making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end laughter erupts and I run as fast as I can toward the door holding the dress against my body to hide it i sprint down the hallway and into the bathroom to lean against the door breathing hard i close my eyes it doesn't matter i don't care a so burst from my mouth and I slap my hand over my lips to contain it doesn't matter what they saw i shake my head like the motion is supposed to make it true with shaking hands I get dressed the dress is plain black with a V-neck that shows the tattoos on my collarbone goes down on my knees once I'm dressed and the urge to cry is gone I feel something hot and violent writhing in my stomach i want to hurt them i stare at my eyes in the mirror i want to so I will i can't fight in a dress so I get myself some new clothes from the pit before I walk to the training room for my last fight i hope it's with Peter hey where were you this morning christina asked when I walk in i squint to see the blackboard across the room the space next to my name is blank i haven't gotten an opponent yet i got held up i say four stands in the front of the blackboard and writes a name next to mine please let it be Peter please please you okay Tris you look a little says Al a little what four moves away from the board the name written next to mine is Molly not Peter but good enough on edge says Al my fight is last on the list which means I have to wait through three matches before I face her edward and Peter fight second to last good edward is the only one who can beat Peter christina will fight Al which means that Al will lose quickly like he's been doing all week go easy on me okay i'll ask Christina i make no promises she replies the first pair Will and Myra stand across from each other in the arena for a second they both shuffle back and forth one jerking an arm forward and then retracing it the other kicking and missing across the room four leans against the wall and yawns i stare at the board and try to predict the outcome of each match doesn't take long then I bite my fingernails and think about Molly christina lost to her which means she's good she has a powerful punch but she doesn't move her feet if she can't hit me she can't hurt me as expected the next fight between Christina and Al is quick and painless al falls after a few hard hits to the face and doesn't get back up which makes Eric shake his head edward and Peter take longer though they're the two best fighters the disparity between them is noticeable edward's fist slams into Peter's jaw and I remember what Will said about him that he's been studying combat since he was 10 it's obvious he's faster and smarter than even Peter by the time the three matches are done my nails are bitten to the beds and I'm hungry for lunch i walk to the arena without looking at anyone or anything but the center of the room some of my anger is faded but it isn't hard to call it back all I have to do is think about how cold the air was and how loud the laughter was look at her she's a child molly stands across from me "was that a birth mark I saw on your left butt cheek?" she says smirking "god you're pale stiff." She'll make the first move she always does molly starts toward me and throws her weight into a punch as her body shifts forward I duck and drive my fist into her stomach right over her belly button before she can get her hands on me I slip past her my hands up ready for her next attempt she's not smirking anymore she runs at me like she's about to tackle me and I dart out of the way i hear For's voice in my head telling me that the most powerful weapon at my disposal is my elbow i just have to find a way to use it i block her next punch with my forearm the blow stings but I barely notice it she grits her teeth and lets out a frustrated groan more animal sounding than human teach tries a sloppy kick at my side which I dodge and while her balance is off I rush forward and force my elbow up at her face she pulls her head back just in time and my elbow graces her chin she punches me in the ribs and I stumble to the side recovering my breath there's something she's not protecting i know it i want to hit her face but maybe that's not a smart move i watch her for a few seconds her hands are too high they guard her nose and cheeks leaving her stomach and ribs exposed molly and I have the same flaw in combat our eyes meet for just a second i aim an uppercut low below her belly button my fist sinks into her flesh forcing a heavy breath from her mouth that I feel against my ear as she gasps I sweep kick her legs out from underneath her and she falls hard on the ground sending dust into the air i pull my foot back and kick as hard as I can at her ribs my mother and father would not approve of my kicking someone when she's down i don't care she curls into a ball to protect her side and I kick again this time hitting her in the stomach like a child i kick again this time hitting her in the face blood springs from her nose and spreads over her face look at her another kick hits her in the chest i pull my foot back again but four's hands clamp around my arms and he pulls me away from her with irresistible force i breathe through gritted teeth staring at Molly's bloodcovered face the color deep and rich and beautiful in a way she groans and I hear a gurgling in her throat watch blood trickle from her lips you won four mutters stop i wipe the sweat from my forehead he stares at me his eyes are too wide they look alarmed i think you should leave he says take a walk i'm fine i say i'm fine now i say again this time for myself i wish I could say I felt guilty for what I did i don't chapter 15 visiting day the second I open my eyes I remember my heart leaps and then plummets when I see Molly hobble across the dormatory her nose purple between strips of medical tape once I see her leave I check for Peter and Drew neither of them is in the dormatory so I change quickly as long as they aren't here I don't care who sees me in my underwear not anymore everyone else dresses in silence not even Christina smiles we all know that we might go to the pit floor and search every face and never find one that belongs to us i make my bed with a tight corners like my father taught me as I pinch a stray hair from my pillow Eric walks in "attention," he announces flicking a lock of dark hair from his eyes "i want to give you some advice about today if by some miracle your families do come to visit you," he scans our faces and smirks "Which I doubt it's best not to seem too attached that'll make it easier for you and easier for them we also take the phrase faction before blood very seriously here the attachments to your family suggest you aren't entirely pleased with your faction which would be shameful understand i understand i hear the threat in Eric's sharp voice the only part of that speech that Eric meant was the last part we're dauntless and we need to act accordingly on my way out of the dormatory Eric stops me i may have underestimated you stiff he says you did well yesterday i stare up at him for the first time since I beaten Molly guilt pinches my gut if Eric thinks I did something right I must have done it wrong thank you I say i slip out of the dormatory once my eyes adjust to the dim hallway light I see Christina and Will ahead of me will laughing probably at a joke Christina made i don't try to catch up for some reason I feel like it would be a mistake to interrupt them al is missing i didn't see him at the dormatory and he's not walking toward the pit now maybe he's already there i run my fingers through my hair and smooth it into a bun i check my clothes am I covered up my pants are tight and my collar bones showing they won't approve who cares if they approve i set my jaw this is my faction now these are the clothes my faction wears i stop just before the hallway ends clusters of families stand on the pit floor most of them dauntless families with dauntless initiates they still look strange to me a mother with a pierced eyebrow a father with a tattooed arm an initiate with purple hair a wholesome family unit i spot Drew and Molly standing alone at one end of the room and suppress a smile at least their families didn't come but Peters did he stands next to a tall man with bushy eyebrows and a short meek- looking woman with red hair neither of his parents looks like him they both wear black pants and white shirts typical cander outfits and his father speaks so loudly I can almost hear him from where I stand do they know what kind of person their son is then again what kind of person am I across the room Will stands with a woman in a blue dress she doesn't look old enough to be his mother but she has the same crease between her eyebrows as he does and the same golden hair he talked about having a sister once maybe that's her next to him Christina hugs a dark-skinned woman in cander black and white standing beside Christina is a young girl also a cander her younger sister should I even bother scanning the crowd for my parents i could turn around and go back to the dormatory then I see her my mother stands alone near the railing with her hands clasped in front of her she's never looked more out of place with her gray slacks and gray jacket button at the throat her hair in its simple twist and her face placid i start toward her tears jumping into my eyes she came she came for me i walk faster she sees me and for a second her expression is blank like she doesn't know who I am then her eyes light up and she opens her arm she smells like soap and laundry detergent beatatric she whispers she runs her hand over my hair don't cry I tell myself i hold her until I can blink the moisture from my eyes then pull back to look at her again i smile with closed lips just like she does she touches my cheek well look at you she says you filled out she puts her arm across my shoulders tell me how you are you first the old habits are back i should let her speak first i shouldn't let the conversation stay focused on me for too long i should make sure she doesn't need anything today's a special occasion she says i came to see you so let's talk mostly about you it's my gift to you my selfless mother she should not be giving me gifts not after I left her and my father i walk with her toward the railing that overlooks the chasm glad to be close to her the last week and a half has been more affection than I realized at home we did not touch each other often the most I ever saw my parents do was hold hands at the dinner table but it was more than this more than here just one question i feel my pulse in my throat where Where's dad is he visiting Caleb ah she shakes her head your father had to be at work i look down you can tell me if you didn't want to come her eyes travel over my face your father's been selfish lately that doesn't mean he doesn't love you i promise i stare at her stunned my father selfish more startling than the label is the fact that she's assigned it to him i can tell by looking at her if she's angry i don't expect to be able to but she must be she calls himself then she must be angry what about Caleb i say will you visit him later i wish I could she says but the Ariodite have prohibited Abnigation visitors from entering their compound if I tried I'd be removed from the premises what i demand that's terrible i Why would they do that tensions between our factions are higher than ever she says i wish it wasn't that way but there's little I can do about it i think of Caleb standing among the aridite initiates scanning the crowd for a mother and feel a pang in my stomach part of me is still angry with him for keeping so many secrets from me but I don't want him to hurt that's terrible I repeat i look toward the chasm standing alone at the railing is four though he's not an initiate anymore most of the dauntless use this day to come together with their families either his family doesn't like to come together or he wasn't originally Dauntless which faction could he have come from there's one of my instructors i lean closer to her and say he's kind of intimidating he's handsome she says i find myself nodding without thinking she laughs and lifts her arm from my shoulders i want to steer her away from him but just as I'm about to suggest that we go somewhere else he looks over his shoulder his eyes widen at the sight of my mother she offers him her hand "hello my name is Natalie," she says "i'm Beatric's mother i've never seen my mother shake hands with someone for eases his hand into her is looking stiff and shakes it twice the gesture looks unnatural for both of them no four was not originally dauntless if he doesn't shake hands easily four he says "It's nice to meet you." Four my mother repeats smiling is that a nickname yes he doesn't elaborate what is his real name your daughter's doing well here i've been overseeing her training since when does overseeing include throwing knives at me and scolding me at every opportunity that's good to hear she says i know a few things about Dauntless initiation and I was worried about her he looks at me and his eyes move down my face from nose to mouth to chin then he says "You shouldn't worry." I can't keep the heat from rushing into my cheeks i hope it isn't noticeable is he just reassuring her because she's my mother or does he really believe that I'm capable and what did that look mean she tilts her head you look familiar for some reason for I can't imagine why he replies his voice suddenly cold i don't make a habit of associating with the abnigation my mother laughs she has a light laugh half air and half sound few people do these days i don't take it personally he seems to relax a little well I'll leave you to your reunion my mother and I watch him leave the roar of the river fills my ears maybe for was one of the ariodite which explains why he hates abnigation or maybe he believes the articles the aridite release about us them i remind myself but it was kind of him to tell her that I'm doing well when I know he doesn't believe it is he always like that she says worse have you made friends she asks a few," I say i look over my shoulder at Will and Christina and their families when Christina catches my eye she beckons to me smiling so my mother and I cross the pit floor before we can get to Will and Christina though a short round woman with a black and white striped shirt touches my arm i twitch resisting the urge to smack her hand away "excuse me," she says "do you know my son Albert?" "Albert," I repeat "oh you mean Al?" "Yeah I know him." "Do you know where we can find him?" she says gesturing to a man behind her he's tall and as thick as a boulder el's father obviously i'm sorry I didn't see him this morning maybe you should look for him up there i point at the glass ceiling above us oh my Al's mother says fanning her face with her hand i'd rather not attempt that climb again i almost had a panic attack on the way down here weren't there any railings along those paths are you all insane i smile a little a few weeks ago I might have found that question offensive but now I spent too much time with cander transfers to be surprised by tacklessness insane no I say dauntless yes if I see him I'll tell him you're looking for him my mother I see wears the same smile I do she isn't reacting the way some of the other transfer's parents are her neck bent looking around the pit walls at the pit ceiling at the chasm of course she isn't curious she's obnigation curiosity is foreign to her i introduce my mother to Will and Christina and Christina introduces me to her mother and her sister but when Will introduces me to Cara his older sister she gives me the kind of look that would wither a plant does not extend her hand for me to shake she glares at my mother i can't believe that you associate with one of them Will she says my mother purses her lips but of course doesn't say anything cara says Will frowning there's no need to be rude oh certainly not do you know what she is she points at my mother she's a council member's wife is what she is she runs the volunteer agency that supposedly helps the factionless you think I don't know that you're just hoarding goods to distribute to your own faction well we don't get fresh food for a month huh food for the factionless my eye i'm sorry my mother says gently i believe you're mistaken mistaken huh cara snaps i'm sure you're exactly what you seem a faction of happy golucky dog dooodters without a selfish bone in their bodies right don't speak to my mother that way I say my face hot i clench my fist into fists don't say another word to her i swear I'll break your nose back off Tris will says you're not going to punch my sister oh I say raising both eyebrows you think so no you're not my mother touches my shoulder come on Beatric we wouldn't want to bother your friend's sister she sounds gentle but her hand squeezes my arm so hard I almost crowd from the pain she drags me away she walks with me fast toward the dining hall just before she reaches it though she takes a sharp left turn and walks down one of the dark hallways I haven't explored yet "mom," I say "mom how do you know where you're going?" She stops next to a locked door and stands on her tiptoes peering at the base of the blue lamp hanging from the ceiling a few seconds later she nods and turns to me again i said no questions about me and I meant it how are you really doing Beatrice how the fights been how are you ranked ranked I say you know that I've been fighting you know that I'm ranked it isn't top secret information how the Dauntless initiation process works i don't know how easy it is to find out what another faction does during initiation but I suspect it's not that easy slowly I say "I'm close to the bottom Mom." Good she nods no one looks too closely at the bottom now this is very important beatric what were your aptitude test result tori's warning pulses in my head don't tell anyone i should tell her that my result was abnigation because that's what Tori recorded in the system i look into my mother's eyes which are pale green and framed by a dark smudge of eyelashes she has lines around her mouth but other than that she doesn't look her age those lines get deeper when she hums she used to hum as she washed the dishes this is my mother i can trust her they were inconclusive i say softly i thought as much she sigh many children who are raised in abnigation receive that kind of result we don't know why but you have to be very careful during the next stage of initiation beatric stay in the middle of the pack no matter what you do don't draw attention to yourself do you understand mom what's going on i don't care what faction you chose she says touching her hands to my cheeks i'm your mother and I want to keep you safe is this because I'm a I start to say but she presses her hand in my mouth don't say that word she hisses ever so Tori was right divergent is a dangerous thing to be i just don't know why or even what it really means still why she shakes her head i can't say she looks over her shoulder where the light from the pit floor is barely visible i hear shouts and conversations laughter and shuffling footsteps the smell from the dining hall floats over my nose sweet and yeasty baking bread when she turns toward me her jaw is set there's something I want you to do she says i can't go visit your brother but you can when initiation is over so I want you to go find him and tell him to research the simulation serum okay can you do that for me not unless you explain some of this to me Mom i cross my arms you want me to go hang out at the aridite compound for the day you better give me a reason i can't i'm sorry she kisses my cheek and brushes a lock of hair that fell from my bun behind my ear i should leave it'll make you look better if you and I don't seem attached to each other i don't care how I look to them I say you should she says i suspect they're already monitoring you she walks away and I'm too stunned to follow her at the end of the hallway she turns and says "Have a piece of cake for me all right the chocolate it's delicious." She smiles a strange twisted smile and adds "I love you you know," and then she's gone i stand alone in the blue light coming from the lamp above me and I understand she's been to the compound before she remembered this hallway she knows about the initiation process my mother was dauntless chapter 16 that afternoon I go back to the dormatory while everyone else spends time with their families and find Al sitting on his bed staring at the space on the wall where the chalkboard usually is ford took it down yesterday so he could calculate our stage one rankings there you are I say your parents were looking for you did they find you he shakes his head i sit down next to him on the bed my leg is barely half the width of his even now that it's more muscular than it was he wears black shorts his knee is purple blue with a bruise with a cross scar you didn't want to see them I say i didn't want them asking how I was he said i have to tell them and they'd know if I was lying well I struggled to come up with something to say what's wrong with how you're doing al laughs harshly i've lost every fight since the one with Will i I'm not doing well by choice though couldn't you tell them that too he shakes his head dad always wanted me to come here i mean they said they wanted me to stay in Cander but that's only because that's what they're supposed to say they've always admired the Dauntless both of them they wouldn't understand if I tried to explain it to them oh i tap my fingers against my knee then I look at him is that why you chose Dauntless because of your parents al shakes his head no I I guess it was because I I think it's important to protect people to stand up for people like you did for me he smiles at me that's what the Dauntless are supposed to do right that's what courage is not hurting people for no reason i remember what Ford told me that teamwork used to be a Dauntless priority what were the Dauntless like when it was what would I have learned if I'd been here when my mother was Dauntless maybe I wouldn't have broken Molly's nose i threatened Will's sister i feel a pang of guilt maybe it'll be better once initiation is over too bad I might come in last Al says i guess we'll see tonight we sit side by side for a while it's better to be here in silence than in the pit watching everyone laugh at their families my father used to say that sometimes the best way to help someone is just to be near them i feel good when I do something I know he'd be proud of like it makes up for all the things I've done that he wouldn't be proud of i feel braver when I'm around you you know he says like I could actually fit in here the same way you do i'm about to respond when he slides his arm across my shoulders suddenly I freeze my cheeks hot i didn't want to be right about Al's feelings for me but I was i do not lean into him instead I sit forward so his arm falls away then I squeeze my hands together in my lap tris I he says his voice sounds strained i glanced at him his face is as red as mine feels but he's not crying he just looks embarrassed uh sorry he says i I wasn't trying to uh Sorry i wish I could tell him not to take it personally i could tell him that my parents rarely held hands even in our own home so I've trained myself to pull away from all gestures of affection because they raised me to take them seriously maybe if I told him that there wouldn't be a layer of hurt beneath his flush of embarrassment but of course it is personal he's my friend and that's all what's more personal than that i breathe in and when I breathe out I make myself smile sorry about what i ask trying to sound casual i brush off my jeans though there isn't anything on them and stand up i should go I say he nods and doesn't look at me you going to be okay i say i mean because of your parents not because I let my voice trail off i don't know what I would say if I didn't oh yeah he nods again a little too vigorously i'll see you later Tris i try not to walk out of the room too fast when the dormatory door closes behind me I touch a hand on my forehead and grin a little awkwardness aside it's nice to be liked discussing our family visits would be too painful so our final rankings for stage one are all anyone can talk about that night every time someone near me brings it up I stare at some point across the room and ignore them my rank can't be as bad as it used to be especially after I beat Molly but might not be good enough to get me in the top 10 at the end of initiation especially when the Dauntless Born initiates are factored in at dinner I sit with Christina Will and L at a table in the corner we're uncomfortably close to Peter Drew and Molly who are at that next table over when conversation at our table reaches a law I hear every word they say they're speculating about the ranks what a surprise you weren't allowed to have pets christina demands smacking the table with her palm why not because they're illogical Will says matterofactly what's the point in providing food and shelter for an animal that just soils your furniture makes your home smell bad and then ultimately dies al and I meet eyes like we usually do when Will and Christina start to fight but this time the second our eyes meet we both look away i hope this awkwardness between us doesn't last long i want my friend back the point is Christina's voice trails off and she tilts her head well they're fun to have i had a bulldog named Chunker one time we left a whole roasted chicken on the counter to cool and when my mother went to the bathroom he pulled it down off the counter and ate it bones and skin and all we laugh so hard yeah that certainly changes my mind of course I want to live with an animal that eats all my food and destroys my kitchen wool shakes his head why don't you just get a dog after initiation if you're feeling that nostalgic because Christina's smile falls and she pokes at her potato with her fork dogs are sort of ruined for me after you know after the aptitude test we exchange looks we all know that we aren't supposed to talk about the test not even now that we have chosen but for them that rule must not be as serious as it is for me my heart jumps unsteadily in my chest for me that rule is protection it keeps me from having to lie to my friends about my results every time I think the word divergent I hear Tori's warning and now my mother's warning too don't tell anyone dangerous you mean killing the dog right asked Will i almost forgot those with an aptitude for Dauntless picked up a knife in the simulation and stabbed the dog when it attacked no wonder Christina doesn't want a pet dog anymore i tug my sleeves over my wrist and twist my fingers together yeah she says i mean you guys all had to do that too right she looks first at Al and then at me her dark eyes narrow and she says you didn't huh you're hiding something she says you're fidgeting what in cander says Al nudging me with his shoulder there that feels normal we learn to read body language so we know when someone's lying or keeping something from us oh i scratch the back of my neck well see there it is again she says pointing at my hand i feel like I'm swallowing my heartbeat how can I lie about my results if they can tell when I'm lying i'll have to control my body language i drop my hand and clasp my hands in my lap is that what an honest person does i don't have to lie about the dog at least no I I didn't kill the dog how'd you get Dauntless without using the knife says Will narrowing his eyes at me i look him in the eye and say evenly I didn't i got abnigation it is half true tori reported my result as abnation so that's what it is in the system anyone who has access to the scores would be able to see it i keep my eyes on his for a few seconds shifting them away might be suspicious then I shrug and stab a piece of meat with my fork i hope they believe me they have to believe me but you chose Dauntless anyway Christina says why i told you I say smirking it was the food she laughs did you guys know that Trish has never seen a hamburger before she came here she launches into the story of our first day and my body relaxes but I still feel heavy i shouldn't lie to my friends creates a barrier between us and we already have more than I want christina taking the flag me rejecting Al after dinner we go back to the dormatory and it's hard for me not to sprint knowing that the rankings will be up when I get there i want to get it over with at the door to the dormatory Drew shoves me into a wall to get past me my shoulder scrapes on the stone but I keep walking i'm too short to see over the crowd of initiates standing near the back of the room but when I find a space between heads to look through I see that the blackboard is on the ground leaning against four's legs facing away from us he stands with a piece of chalk in one hand for those of you who just came in I'm explaining how the ranks are determined he says "After the first round of fights we ranked you according to your skill level the number of points you earn depends on your skill level and the skill level of the person you beat you earn more points for improving and more points for beating someone of a high skill level i don't reward praying on the weak that's cowardice i think his eyes linger on Peter at that last line but they move on quickly enough that I'm not sure if you have a high rank you lose points for losing to a low-ranked opponent molly lets out an unpleasant noise like a snort or a grumble stage two of training is weighed more heavily than stage one because it's more closely tied to overcoming cowardice he says that said it's extremely difficult to rank high at the end of initiation if you rank low in stage one i shift from one foot to the other trying to get a good look at him and when I finally do I look away his eyes are already on me probably drawn by my nervous movement we'll announce the cuts tomorrow for says the fact that your transfers and the Dauntless initiates are not will be taken into consideration four of you could be factionless and none of them or four of them could be factionless and none of you or any combination thereof that said here are your ranks he hangs the board on the hook and steps back so we can see the rankings one Edward two Peter three Will four Christina five Molly six Tris sixth i can't be sixth beating Molly must have boosted my rank more than I thought it would and losing to me seems to have lowered hers i skipped to the bottom of the list seven Drew eight Al nine myra al isn't dead last but unless the Dauntless Born initiates completely failed their version of stage one he's factionless i glance at Christina she tilts her head and frowns at the board she's not the only one the quiet in the room is uneasy like it's rocking back and forth on a ledge then it falls what demands Molly she points at Christina i beat her i beat her in minutes and she's ranked above me yeah says Christina crossing her arms she wears a smug smile and if you intend to secure yourself a high rank I suggest you don't make a habit of losing to low-ranked opponents says four his voice cutting through the mutters and grumbles of the other initiates he pockets the chalk and walks past me without glancing my direction the words sting a little reminding me that I'm the lowest ranked opponent he's referring to apparently they remind Molly too you she says focusing her narrowed eyes on me you're going to pay for this i expect her to lunge at me or hit me but she just turns on her heel and stalks out of the dormatory that's worse if she had exploded her anger would have been spent quickly after a punch or two leaving means he wants to plan something leaving means I have to be on my guard peter didn't say anything when the rankings went up which given his tendency to complain about anything that doesn't go his way is surprising he just walks to his bunk and sits down untying his shoelaces that makes me feel even more uneasy he can't possibly be satisfied with second place not Peter will and Christina slap hands and then Will claps me on the back with a hand bigger than my shoulder blade look at you number six he says grinning still might not have been good enough i reminded him it will be don't worry he says we should celebrate well let's go then says Christina grabbing my arm with one hand and Al's arm with the other come on Al you don't know how the Dauntless did you don't know anything for sure i'm just going to bed he mumbles pulling his arm free in the hallway it's easy to forget about Al and Molly's revenge and Peter's suspicious calm and easy to pretend that what separates us as friends does not exist but lingering at the back of my mind is the fact that Christina and Will are my competitors if I want to fight my way to the top 10 then I'll have to beat them first i just hope I don't have to betray them in the process that night I have trouble falling asleep the domator used to seem loud to me with all the breathing but now it's too quiet when it's quiet I think about my family thank God the Dauntless compound is usually loud if my mother was Dauntless why did she choose Abnigation did she love its peace its routine its goodness all the things I miss when I let myself think about it i wonder if someone here knew her when she was young and could tell me what she was like then even if they did they probably wouldn't want to discuss her faction transfers are not really supposed to discuss their old factions once they become members supposed to make it easier for them to change their allegiance from family to faction to embrace their principal faction before blood i bury my face in the pillow she asked me to tell Caleb to research the simulation serum why does it have something to do with me being divergent with me being in danger or is it something else i sigh i have a thousand questions and she left before I could ask any of them now they swirl in my head and I doubt I'll be able to sleep unless I can answer them i hear a scuffle across the room and lift my head from the pillow my eyes aren't adjusted to the dark so I stare into pure black like the backs of my eyelids i hear shuffling in the squeak of a shoe a heavy thud and then a whale that curdles my blood and makes my hair stand on N i throw the blankets back and stand on the stone floor with bare feet i still can't see well enough to find the source of the scream but I see a dark lump on the floor a few bunks down another scream pierces my ears "turn on the lights," someone shouts i walk toward the sound slowly so I don't trip over anything i feel like I'm in a trance i don't want to see where the screaming is coming from a scream like that can only mean blood and bone and pain that scream that comes from the pit of the stomach and extends to every inch of the body the lights come on edward lies on the floor next to his bed clutching at his face surrounding his head is a halo of blood and jutting between his clawing fingers is a silver knife handle my heart thumping in my ears I recognize it as a butter knife from the dining hall the blade is stuck in Edward's eye myra who stands at Edward's feet screams someone else screams too like someone yells for help and Edward still on the floor arriving and wailing i crouch by his head my knees pressing to the pool of blood and put my hands on his shoulders lie lie still I say i feel calm though I can't hear anything like my head is submerged in water edward thrashes again and I say it louder Sterner i said lie still breathe my eye he screams i smell something foul someone vomited take it out he yells get it out get out of me get it out i shake my head and then realize that he can't see me a laugh bubbles in my stomach hysterical i have to suppress hysteria if I'm going to help him i have to forget myself no I say you have to let the doctor take it out hear me let the doctor take it out and breathe it It hurts he sobs i know it does instead of my voice I hear my mother's voice i see her crouching before me on the sidewalk in front of our house brushing tears from my face after I scraped my knee i was five at the time it'll be all right i try to sound firm like I'm not idly reassuring him but I am i don't know if it'll all be all right i suspect that it won't when the nurse arrives she tells me to step back and I do my hands and knees are soaked with blood when I look around I see that only two faces are missing drew and Peter after they take Edward away I carry a change of clothes into the bathroom and wash my hands christina comes with me and stands by the door but she doesn't say anything and I'm glad there isn't much to say i scrub at the lines in my palms and run one fingernail under my other fingernails to get the blood out i change into the pants I brought and throw the sewed ones in the trash i get as many paper towels as I can hold someone needs to clean up the mess in the dormatory and since I doubt I'll ever be able to sleep again it might as well be me as I reach for the door handle Christina says "You know who did that right?" "Yeah." "Can we tell someone you really think the Dauntless will do anything?" I say after they hung you over the chasm after they made us beat each other unconscious she doesn't say anything for half an hour after that I kneel alone on the floor in the dormatory and scrub at Edward's blood christina throws away the dirty paper towels and gets me new ones myra is gone she probably followed Edward to the hospital no one sleeps much that night this is going to sound weird Wolf says but I wish we didn't have a day off today i nod i know what he means having something to do would distract me and I could use a distraction right now i've not spent much time alone with Will but Christine and Al are taking naps in the dormatory and neither of us wanted to be in that room longer than we had to will didn't tell me that i just know i slide one fingernail under another i wash my hands thoroughly after cleaning up Edward's blood but I still feel like it's on my hands will and I walk with no sense of purpose there's nowhere to go we could visit him suggests Will but what would we say i I don't know you that well i'm sorry you got stabbed in the eye it isn't funny i know that as soon as he says it but a laugh rises in my throat anyway and I let it out because it's harder to keep it in will stares at me for a second and then he laughs too sometimes crying or laughing are the only options left and laughing feels better right now sorry I say it's just so ridiculous i don't want to cry for Edward at least not in the deep personal way that you cry for a friend or a loved one i want to cry because something terrible happened and I saw it and I could not see a way to mend it no one who would want to punish Peter has the authority to and no one who has the authority to punish him would want to the Dauntless have rules against attacking someone like that but with people like Eric in charge I suspect those rules go uninforced i say more seriously the most ridiculous part is in any other faction it'd be brave of us to tell someone what happened but here in Dauntless bravery won't do us any good have you ever read the faction manifestos said Will the faction manifestos were written after the factions formed we learned about them in school but I never read them you have i frown at him then I remember that Will once memorized a map of the city for fun and I say "Oh of course you have never mind." One of the lines I remember from the Dauntless manifesto is "We believe in ordinary acts of bravery in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another." will size he doesn't need to say anything else i know what he means maybe Dauntless was formed with good intentions with the right ideals and the right goals but it's strayed far from them and the same is true of Ariodite i realize a long time ago Ariodite pursued knowledge and ingenuity for the sake of doing good now they pursue knowledge and ingenuity with greedy hearts i wonder if the other factions suffered from the same problem i've not thought about it before despite the depravity I see in Dauntless though I could not leave it it isn't only because the thought of living factionless in complete isolation sound like a fate worse than death it's because in the brief moments that I've loved it here I saw the faction worth saving maybe we can become brave and honorable again let's go to the cafeteria Will says and eat cake okay I smile as we walk toward the pit I repeat the line Will quoted to myself so I don't forget it i believe in ordinary acts of bravery in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another it's a beautiful fod later when I return to the dormatory Edward's bunk is stripped clean and his drawers are open empty across the room Myra's bunk looks the same way when I ask Christina where they went she says they quit even Myra she said she didn't want to be here without him she's going to get cut anyway she shrugs like she can't think of anything else to do if that's true I know how she feels at least they didn't cut Al al was supposed to get cut but Edward's departure saved him the Dauntless decided to spare him until the next stage who else got cut i say christina shrugs again two of the Dauntless born i I don't remember their names i nod and look at the blackboard someone drew a line through Edward and Myra's names and changed the numbers next to everyone else's names now Peter's first Will is second I'm fifth we started stage one with nine initiates now we have seven chapter 17 it's noon lunchtime i sit in a hallway i don't recognize i walked here because I needed to get away from the dormatory maybe if I bring my bedding here I'll never have to go to the dormatory again it may be my imagination but it still smells like blood in there even though I scrubbed the floor until my hands were sore and someone poured bleach on it this morning i pinched the bridge of my nose scrubbing the floor when no one else wanted to is something that my mother would have done if I can't be with her the least I can do is act like her sometimes i hear people approaching their footsteps echoing on the stone floor and I look down at my shoes i switch from gray sneakers to black sneakers a week ago but the gray shoes are buried in one of my drawers i can't bear to throw them away even though I know it's foolish to be attached to the sneakers like they can bring me home tris i look up uriah stops in front of me he leaves along the Dauntlessborn initiates that he walks with they exchange looks but keep moving you okay he says "I had a difficult night." "Yeah I heard about that guy Edward." Your looks down the hallway the Dauntless initiates disappear around a corner then he grins a little "want to get out of here?" "What?" I ask where are you going to a little initiation ritual he says come on we have to hurry i briefly considered my options i can sit here or I can leave the Dauntless compound i push myself to my feet and jog next to Uriah to catch up to the Dlessorn initiates the only initiates they usually let come are ones with older siblings in Dauntless he says but they might not even notice just act like you belong what exactly are we doing something dangerous he says a look I can only describe as dauntless mania enters his eyes but rather than recoil from it as I might have a few weeks ago I catch it like it's contagious excitement replaces the lead and feeling inside me we slow when we reach the Dauntless initiates what's the stiff doing here ask a boy with a metal ring between his nostrils she just saw that guy get stabbed in the eye gabe says Uriah give her a break okay gabe shrugs and turns away no one else says anything though a few of them give me sideline glances like they're sizing me up the Dauntless initiates are like a pack of dogs if I act the wrong way they won't let me run with them but for now I'm safe we turn another corner and a group of members stands at the end of the next hallway there are too many of them to all be related to a Dauntlessborn initiate but I see some similarities among the faces let's go one of the members says he turns and plunges through a dark doorway the other members follow him and we follow them i stay close behind Uriah as I pass into darkness and my toe hits a step i catch myself before falling forward and start climbing back staircase Uriah says almost mumbling usually locked i nod though he can't see me and climb until all the steps are gone by then a door at the top of the staircase is open letting in daylight we emerge from the ground a few hundred yards from the glass building above the pit close to the train tracks i feel like I've done this a thousand times before i hear the train horn i feel the vibrations in the ground i see the light attached to the head car i crack my knuckles and bounce on my toes we jog in a single pack next to the car and in waves members and initiates alike pile into the car uriah gets in before me and people press behind me i can't make any mistakes i throw myself sideways grabbing the handle on the side of the car and hoist myself into the car uriah grabs my arm to steady me the train picks up its speed uriah and I sit against one of the walls i shout over the wind where are we going uriah shrugs zeke never told me zeke my older brother he says he points across the room at a boy sitting in the doorway with his legs dangling out of the car he's slight and short and looks nothing like Uriah apart from his coloring you don't get to know that ruins the surprise the girl in my life shouts she extends her hand i'm Shauna i shake her hand but I don't grip hard enough and I let go too quickly i doubt I'll ever improve my handshake it feels unnatural to grasp hands with strangers i'm I start to say "I know who you are," she says "you're the stiff ford told me about you i pray the heat in my cheeks is not visible." "Oh what do you say?" She smirks at me "he said you were a stiff why do you ask?" Well if my instructor's talking about me I say as firmly as I can i want to know what he's saying i hope I tell a convincing lie he isn't coming is he no he never comes to this she says probably lost its appeal not much scares him you know he isn't coming something in me deflates like an untied balloon i ignore it and nod i do know that for is not a coward but I also know that at least one thing does scare him heights whatever we're doing it must involve being up high for him to avoid it she must not know that if she speaks of him with such reverence in her voice do you know him well i ask i'm too curious i always have been everyone knows for she says we were initiates together i was bad at fighting so he taught me every night after everyone was asleep she scratches the back of her neck her expression suddenly serious nice of him she gets up and stands behind the members sitting on the doorway in a second her serious expression is gone but I still feel rattled by what she said half confused by the idea of four being nice and half wanting to punch her for no apparent reason here we go shouts Shauna the train doesn't slow down but she throws herself out of the car the other members follow her a stream of black clothes pierce people not much older than I am i stand in the doorway next to Uriah the train is going much faster than it has every other time I've jumped but I can't lose my nerve now in front of all these other members so I jump hitting the ground hard and stumbling forward a few steps before I regain my balance yuri and I jog to catch up to the other members along with the other initiates who barely look in my direction i look around as I walk the hub is behind us black against the clouds but the buildings around me are dark and silent that means we must be north of the bridge where the city's abandoned we turn a quarter and spread out as we walk around Michigan Avenue south of the bridge Michigan Avenue is a busy street crawling with people but here it's bare as soon as I lift my eyes to scan the buildings I know where we're going the empty Hancock building a black pillar with criss-cross girders the tallest building north of the bridge but what are we going to do climb it as we get closer the members start to run and Yuri and I sprint to catch them jostling one another with their elbows they push through a set of doors at the building's base the glass in one of them is broken so it's just a frame i step through it instead of opening it and follow the members through an eerie dark entryway crunching broken glass beneath my feet i expect us to go up the stairs but we stop at the elevator bank do the elevators work i ask Uriah as quietly as I can sure they do says Zeke rolling his eyes you think I'm stupid enough not to come here early and turn on the emergency generator yeah says Uriah i kind of do zeke glares at his brother then puts him in a headlock and rubs his knuckles into Uriah's skull zeke may be smaller than Uriah but he must be stronger or at least faster uriah smacks him in the side and he lets go i grin at the sight of Uriah's disheveled hair and the elevator doors open we pile in members in one and initiates in the other a girl with a shaved head stomps on my toes on the way in and doesn't apologize i grab my foot wincing and consider kicking her in the shins uriah stares at his reflection in the elevator doors and pats his hair down what floor the girl with the shaved head says 100 i say how would you know that Lynn come on says Uriah be nice we're in a hundredstory abandoned building with some dauntless I retort why don't you know that she doesn't respond she just jams her thumb into the right button the elevator zooms upward so fast my stomach sinks and my ears pop i grab a railing at the side of the elevator watching the numbers climb we passed 20 and 30 and your eyes hair is finally smooth 50 60 and my toes are done throbbing 98 99 and the elevator comes to a stop at 100 i'm glad we didn't take the stairs i wonder how we'll get to the roof from your eyes voice trails off a strong wind hits me pushing my hair across my face there's a gaping hole in the ceiling of the hundth floor zeke props an aluminum ladder against its edge and starts to climb the ladder caks and sways beneath his feet but he keeps climbing whistling as he does when he reaches the roof he turns around and holds the top of the ladder for the next person part of me wonders if this is a suicide mission disguised as a game it isn't the first time I've wondered that since the choosing ceremony i climb the ladder after Uriah it reminds me of climbing the rungs on the ferris wheel with four close on my heels i remember his fingers on my hip again how they kept me from falling and I must miss a step on the ladder stupid biting my lip I make it to the top and stand on the roof of the Hancock building the wind is so powerful I hear and feel nothing else i have to lean against your eye to keep from falling over at first all I see is the marsh wide and brown and everywhere touching the horizon devoid of life in the other direction is the city and in many ways it's the same lifeless and with limits I don't know uriah points to something attached to one of the poles on top of the tower is a steel cable as thick as my wrist on the ground is a pile of black slings made of tough fabric large enough to hold a human being zeke grabs one and attaches it to a pulley that hangs from the steel cable i follow the cable down over the cluster of buildings and along Lakeshore Drive i don't know where it ends one thing's clear though if I go through with this I'll find out we're going to slide down a steel cable in a black sling from a thousand ft up oh god says Uriah all I can do is nod shawn is the first person to get into the sling she wriggles forward on her stomach until most of her body is supported by black fabric then Zeke pulls a strap across her shoulders the small of her back and the top of her thighs he pulls her in the sling to the edge of the building and counts down from five shauna gives a thumbs up as he shoves her forward into nothingness lynn gasps as Shauna hurdles toward the ground at a steep incline head first i push past her to see better shauna stays secure in the sling for as long as I can see her and then she's too far away just a black speck over Lakes Shore Drive the members whoop and pump their fists and form a line sometimes shoving one another out of the way to get a better place somehow I'm the first initiate in line right in front of Uriah only seven people stand between me and the zipline still there's a part of me that groans i have to wait for seven people it's a strange blend of terror and eagerness unfamiliar until now the next member a young looking boy with hair down to his shoulders jumps into the sling on his back instead of his stomach he stretches his arms wide as Zeke shoves him down the steel cable none of the members seem at all afraid they act like they've done this a thousand times before and maybe they have but when I look over my shoulder I see that most of the initiates look pale or worried even if they talk excitedly to one another what happens between initiation and membership that transforms panic into delight or do people just get better at hiding their fear three people in front of me another sling a member gets in feet first and crosses her arms over her chest two people a tall thick boy jumps up and down like a child before climbing into the sling and lets out a high screech as he disappears making the girl in front of me laugh one person she hops into the sling face first and keeps her hands in front of her as Zeke tightens her straps and then it's my turn i shudder as Zeke hangs my sling from the cable i try to climb in but I have trouble my hands are shaking too badly don't worry Zeke says right next to my ear he takes my arm and helps me get in face down the straps tighten around my midsection and Zeke slides me forward to the edge of the roof i stare down the building steel gutters and black windows all the way to the cracked sidewalk i'm a fool for doing this and a fool for enjoying the feeling of my heart slamming against my sternum and sweat gathering in the lines of my palms ready Stiff zeke smirks down at me i have to say I'm impressed that you weren't screaming and crying right now i told you Uriah said she's dauntless through and through now get on with it careful brother or I might not tighten your straps enough Zeke says he smacks his knee and then splat yeah yeah says then our mother would boil you alive hearing him talk about his mother about his intact family makes my chest hurt for a second like someone pierced it with a needle only if she found out zeke tugs on the pulley attached to the steel cable it holds which is fortunate because if it breaks my death will be swift and certain he looks down at me and says "Ready set go." Before he can finish the word go he releases the sling and I forget him i forget Uriah and family and all the things that could malfunction and lead to my death i hear metal sliding against metal and feel wind so intense it forces tears into my eyes as I hurdle toward the ground i feel like I'm without substance without weight ahead of me the marsh looks huge its patches of brown spreading farther than I can see even up this high the air is so cold and fast that it hurts my face i pick up speed and a shout of exhilaration arises within me stopped only by the wind that fills my mouth the second my lips part held secure by the straps I throw my arms out to the side and imagine that I'm lying flat i plunge toward the street which is cracked and patchy and follows perfectly the curve of the marsh i can imagine up here how the marsh looked when it was full of water like liquid steel as it reflected the color of the sky my heart beats so hard it hurts and I can't scream and I can't breathe but I also feel everything every vein and every fiber every bone and every nerve all awake and buzzing in my body as if charged with electricity i'm pure adrenaline the ground grows and bulges beneath me and I can see the tiny people standing on the pavement below i should scream like any rational human being would but when I open my mouth again I just crow with joy i yell louder and the figures on the ground pump their fists and yell back but they're so far away I can barely hear them i look down and the ground smears beneath me all gray and white and black glass and pavement and steel tendrils of wind soft as hair wrap around my fingers and push my arms back i try to pull my arms to my chest again but I'm not strong enough the ground grows bigger and bigger i don't slow down for another minute at least but sail parallel to the ground like a bird when I slow down I run my fingers over my hair the wind teased it into knots i hang about 20 ft above the ground but that height seems like nothing now i reach behind me and work to undo the straps holding me in my fingers shake but I still managed to loosen them a crowd of members stands below they grasp one another's arms forming a net of limbs beneath me in order to get down I have to trust them to catch me i have to accept that these people are mine and I'm theirs it's a braver act than sliding down the zipline i wriggle forward and fall i hit their arms hard wristbones and forearms press into my back then palms wrap around my arms and pull me to my feet i don't know which hands hold me and which hands don't i see grins and hear laughter "what do you think?" Shauna says clapping me on the shoulder "um." All the members stare at me they look as windblown as I feel the frenzy of adrenaline in their eyes and their hair skew i know why my father said the Dauntless were a pack of mad men he didn't couldn't understand the kind of camaraderie that forms only after you've risked your lives together when can I go again i say my smile stretches wide enough to show teeth and when they laugh I laugh i think of climbing the stairs with the abnigation our feet finding the same rhythm all of us the same this isn't like that we're not the same but we are somehow one i look toward the Hancock building which is so far from where I stand that I can't see the people on its roof look there he is," someone says pointing over my shoulder i follow the pointed finger toward a small dark shape sliding down the steel wire a few seconds later I hear a blood curdling scream i bet he'll cry zeke's brother no way he'd get punched so hard his arms are flailing he sounds like a strangled cat I say everyone laughs again i feel a twinge of guilt for teasing Uriah when he can't hear me but I would have said the same thing if he were standing here i hope when Uriah finally comes to a stop I follow the members to meet him we line up beneath him and thrust our arms into the space between us shauna clamps a hand around my elbow i grab another arm i'm not sure who it belongs to there are too many tangled hands and look up at her pretty sure we can't call you stiff anymore Shauna says she nods tris i still smell like wind when I walk into the cafeteria that evening for the second after I walk in I stand among a crowd of dauntless and I feel like one of them then Shauna waves to me and the crowd breaks apart and I walk toward the table where Christina Allen will sit gaping at me i didn't think about them when I accepted Uriah's invitation in a way it's satisfying to see stunned looks on their faces but I don't want them to be upset with me either where were you asked Christina what were you doing with them uriah you know the Dauntless who was on the capture the flag team I say he was leaving with some of the members and he he begged them to let me come along they didn't really want me there some girl named Lynn stepped on me they may not have wanted you there then says Will quietly but they seem to like you now yeah I say i can't deny it i'm I'm glad to be back though hopefully they can't tell I'm lying but I suspect they can i caught sight of myself in a window on the way to the compound and my cheeks and eyes were both bright my hair tangled i look like I've experienced something powerful will you miss Christina almost punching an Ariodite says Al his voice sounds eager i can count on Al to try to break the tension he was here asking for opinions about the abnigation leadership and Christina told him there were more important things for him to be doing which she was completely right about adds Will and he got testy with her big mistake huge i say nodding if I smile enough maybe I can make them forget their jealousy or hurt or whatever is brewing behind Christina's eyes yeah she says well you were off having fun i was doing the dirty work of defending your old faction eliminating interfaction conflict oh come on you know what you enjoyed it says Will nudging her with his elbow if you're not going to tell the whole story I will he was standing will launches into his story and I nod along like I'm listening but all I can think about is staring down the side of the Hancock building and the image I got of the marsh full of water restored to its former glory i look over Will's shoulder at the members who are now flicking bits of food at one another with their forks it's the first time I've ever really been eager to be one of them which means I have to survive the next stage of initiation chapter 18 as far as I can tell the second stage of initiation involves sitting in a dark hallway with the other initiates wondering what's going to happen behind a closed door uriah sits across from me with Marlene on his left and Lynn on his right the Dauntless Born initiates and the transfers were separated during stage one but we'll be training together from now on that's what Ford told us before he disappeared behind the door so says Lynn scuffing the floor with her shoe which one of you is ranked first huh her question is met with silence at first and then Peter clears his throat me he says bet I could take you she says it casually turning the ring on her eyebrow with her fingertips i'm second but I bet any of us could take you transfer i almost laugh if I was still obnigation her comment would be rude and out of place but among the dauntless challenges like that seem common i'm almost starting to expect them i wouldn't be so sure about that if I were you Peter says his eyes glittering who's first uriah she says and I am sure you know how many years we spent preparing for this if she intends to intimidate us it works i already feel colder before Peter can respond for opens the door and says "Lynn." He beckons to her and she walks down the hallway the blue light at the end making her bare head glow "so you're first?" Will says to Uriah uriah shrugs "yeah and and you don't think it's a little unfair that you spent your entire life getting ready for this and we're expected to learn it all in a few weeks?" Will says his eyes narrowing "not really stage one was about skill sure but no one can prepare for stage two he says at least so I'm told no one responds to that we sit in silence for 20 minutes i count each minute on my watch then the door opens again and four calls another name peter he says each minute wears into me like a scrape of sandpaper gradually our numbers begin to dwindle and it's just me and Uriah and Drew drew's leg bounces and Uriah's fingers tap against his knee i try to sit perfectly still i hear only muttering from the room at the end of the hallway and I suspect this is another part of the game they like to play with us terrifying us at every opportunity the door opens and four beckons to me come on Tris i stand my back sore from leaning against the wall for so long and walk past the other initiates drew sticks out his leg to trip me but I hop over it at the last second four touches my shoulder to guide me into the room and close the door behind me when I see what's inside I recoil immediately my shoulders hitting his chest in the room I see a reclining metal chair similar to the one I sat in during the aptitude test beside it is a familiar machine this room has no mirrors and barely any light there's a computer screen on a desk in the corner sit Forest says he squeezes my arms and pushes me forward what's the simulation i say trying to keep my voice from shaking i don't succeed ever hear the phrase face your fears he says "We're taking that literally the simulation will teach you to control your emotions in the midst of a frightening situation." I touch a wavering hand to my forehead simulations aren't real they pose no real threat to me so logically I shouldn't be afraid of them but my reaction is visceral it takes all the willpower I have for me to steer myself toward the chair and sit down in it again pressing my skull into the headrest the cold from the metal seeps through my clothes do you ever administer the aptitude tests i say he seems qualified no he replies i avoid stiffs as much as possible i don't know why someone would avoid the abnigation the dauntless or the cander maybe because bravery and honesty make people do strange things but the abnigation why do you ask me that because you think I'll actually answer why do you say vague things if you don't want to be asked about them his fingers brush my neck my body tenses a tender gesture no he has to move the hair to my side he taps something and I tilt my head back to see what it is for holds a syringe with a long needle in one hand his thumb against the plunger the liquid in the syringe is tinted orange an injection my mouth goes dry i don't usually mind needles but this one is huge we use a more advanced version of the simulation here he says a different serum no wires or electrodes for you how does it work without wires well I have wires so I can see what's going on he says but for you there's a tiny transmitter in the serum that sends data to the computer he turns my arm over and eases the tip of the needle into the tender skin on the side of my neck a deep ache spreads through my throat i wse and try to focus on his calm face the serum will go into effect in 60 seconds this simulation is different from the aptitude test he says in addition to containing the transmitter the serum simulates the amagdala which is part of the brain involved in processing negative emotions like fear and then induces a hallucination the brain's electrical activity is then transmitted to our computer which then translates your hallucination into a simulated image that I can see and monitor i'll then forward the recording to Dauntless administrators you stay in the hallucination until you calm down that is lower your heart rate and control your breathing i try to follow his words but my thoughts are going haywire i feel the trademark symptoms of fear sweaty palms racing heart tightness in my chest dry mouth a lump in my throat difficulty breathing he plants his hands on either side of my head and leans over me "be brave Tris," he whispers "the first time is always the hardest." His eyes are the last thing I see i stand in a field of dry grass that comes up to my waist the air smells like smoke and burns my nostrils above me the sky is boloed the sight of it fills me with anxiety my body cringing away from it i hear fluttering like the pages of a book blown by the wind but there is no wind the air is still and soundless apart from the flapping neither hot nor cold not like air at all but I can still breathe a shadow swoops overhead something lands on my shoulder i feel his weight in the prick of talons and fling my arm forward to shake it off my hand batting at it i feel something smooth and fragile a feather i bite my lip and look to the side a black bird the size of my forearm turns its head and focuses one beady eye on me i grip my teeth and hit the crow again with my hand it digs in its talons and doesn't move i cry out more frustrated than pained and hit the crow with both hands but it stays in place resolute one eye on me feathers gleaming in the yellow light thunder rumbles and I hear the patter of rain on the ground but no rain falls the sky darkens like a cloud is passing over the sun still cringing away from the crow I look up a flock of crows storms toward me an advancing army of outstretched talons and open beaks each one squawking filling the air with noise the crows descend in a single mass stopping toward the earth hundreds of beady black eyes shining i try to run but my feet are firmly planted and refuse to move like the crow on my shoulder i scream as they surround me feathers flapping in my ears beaks pecking at my shoulders talons clinging to my clothes i scream until tears come from my eyes my arms flailing my hands hit solid bodies but do nothing they're too many i'm alone they nip at my fingertips and press against my body wings sliding across the back of my neck feet tearing at my hair i twist and wrench and fall to the ground covering my head with my arms they scream against me i feel a wiggling in the grass a crow forcing its way under my arm i open my eyes and it pecks at my face its beak hitting me in the nose blood drips onto the grass and I sobb hitting it with my palm but another crow wedges under my other arm and its claws stick to the front of my shirt i'm screaming i'm sobbing help i whail help then the crows flap harder a roar in my ears my body burns and they're everywhere and I can't think i can't breathe i gasp for air in my mouth fills with feathers feathers down my throat in my lungs replacing my blood with dead weight help i sobb and scream insensible illogical i'm dying i'm dying i'm dying my skin sears and I'm bleeding and the squawking is so loud my ears are ringing but I'm not dying and I remember that this isn't real but it feels real it feels so real be brave for his voice screams in my memory i cry out to him inhaling feathers and exhaling help but there will be no help i'm alone you stay in the hallucination until you can calm down his voice continues and I cough and my face is wet with tears and another crow is wriggled under my arms and I feel the edge of its sharp beak against my mouth its beak wedges past my lips and scrapes my teeth the crow pushes its head into my mouth and I bite hard tasting something foul i spit and clench my teeth to form a barrier but now a fourth crow is pushing at my feet and a fifth crow is pecking at my ribs calm down i can't i can't and my head throbs breathe i keep my mouth closed and suck air into my nose it's been hours since I was alone in the field it's been days i push air out of my nose my heart pounds hard in my chest i have to slow it down i breathe again my face wet with tears i sobb again force myself forward stretching out on the grass which prickles against my skin i extend my arms and breathe crows push and pro at my sides worming their way beneath me and I let them i let the flapping of wings and the squawking and the pecking and the proddding continue relaxing one muscle at a time resigning myself to becoming a peckered carcass the pain overwhelms me i open my eyes and I'm sitting in the metal chair i scream and hit my arms and head and legs to get the birds off me but they're gone though I can still feel the feathers brushing the back of my neck and the talons in my shoulder and my burning skin i moan and pull my knees to my chest bearing my face in them a hand touches my shoulder and I fling a fist out hitting something solid but soft "don't touch me," I sobb "it's over," Boris says the hand shifts awkwardly over my hair and I remember my father stroking my hair when he kissed me "good night my mother touching my hair when she trimmed it with the scissors." I run my palms along my arms still brushing off feathers though I know there aren't any tris i rock back and forth in the metal chair tris I'm going to take you back to the dorms okay no I snap i lift my head and glare at him though I can't see him through the blur of tears they can't see me not like this oh calm down he says he rolls his eyes i'll take you out the back door i don't need you to i shake my head my body is trembling and I feel so weak i'm not sure if I can stand but I have to try i can't be the only one who needs to be walked back to the dorms even if they don't see me they'll find out they'll talk about me nonsense he grabs my arm and hauls me out of the chair i blink the tears from my eyes wipe my cheeks with a heel on my hand and let him steer me toward the door behind the computer screen we walk down the hallway in silence when we're a few hundred yards away from the room I yank my arm away and stop why did you do that to me i say what was the point of that huh i wasn't aware that when I chose Dauntless I was signing up for weeks of torture did you think overcoming cowardice would be easy he says calmly that isn't overcoming cowardice coward is how you decide to be in real life and in real life I'm not getting pecked to death by crows for i press my palms to my face and sob into them he doesn't say anything just stands there as I cry it only takes me a few seconds to stop and wipe my face again i want to go home I say weakly but home is not an option anymore my choices are here or the factionless slums he doesn't look at me with sympathy he just looks at me and his eyes look black in the dim corridor his mouth is set in a hard line learning how to think in the midst of fear he says is a lesson that everyone even your stiff family needs to learn that's what we're trying to teach you if you can't learn it you'll need to get the hell out of here because we won't want you i'm trying my lower lip trembles but I failed i'm failing he sigh how long do you think you spent in that hallucination Tris i don't know i shake my head a half hour 3 minutes he replies you got out three times faster than the other initiates whatever you are you're not a failure 3 minutes he smiles a little tomorrow you'll be better at this you'll see tomorrow he touches my back and guides me toward the dormatory i feel his fingertips through my shirt their gentle pressure makes me forget the birds for a moment "what was your first hallucination?" I say glancing at him there wasn't a what so much as a who he shrugs it's not important and are you over that fear now not yet we reach the door to the dormatory then he leans against the wall sliding his hands into his pockets i may never be so they don't go away and sometimes they do and sometimes new fears replace them his thumbs hook around his belt loops but becoming fearless isn't the point that's impossible it's learning how to control your fear and how to be free from it that's the point i nod i used to think the Dauntless were fearless that's how they seemed anyway but maybe what I saw as fearless was actually fear under control anyway your fears are rarely what they appear to be in the simulation he adds what do you mean well are you really afraid of crows he says half smiling at me the expression warms his eyes enough that I forget he's my instructor he's just a boy talking casually walking me to my door when you see one do you run away screaming no I I guess not i think about stepping closer to him not for any practical reason just because I want to see what it would be like to stand that close to him because I want to foolish," a voice in my head says i step closer and lean against the wall too tilting my head sideways to look at him as I did on the ferris wheel I know exactly how much space there is between us 6 in i lean less than 6 in i feel warmer like he's giving off some kind of energy that I'm only now close enough to feel "so what am I really afraid of?" I say "i don't know," he says "only you can know." I nod slowly there are a dozen things it could be but I'm not sure which one is right or if there even is one i didn't know becoming Dauntless would be this difficult I say and a second later I'm surprised that I said it surprised that I admitted to it i bite the inside of my cheek and watch for carefully was it a mistake to tell him that it wasn't always like this I'm told he says lifting his shoulder my admission doesn't appear to bother him being dauntless i mean what changed the leadership he says "The person who controls training sets the standard of dauntless behavior six years ago Max and the other leaders changed their training methods to make them more competitive and more brutal said it was supposed to test people's strength and that changed the priorities of Dauntless as a whole but you can't guess who the leader's new prodigy is." The answer's obvious eric they trained him to be vicious and now he'll train the rest of us to be vicious too i look at four their training didn't work on him so if you were ranked first in your initiate class I say what was Eric's rank second so he was their second choice for leadership i nod slowly and you were there first what makes you say that the way Eric is acting at dinner the first night jealous even though he was what he wants for doesn't contradict me i must be right i want to ask why he didn't take the position the leaders offered him why he's so resistant to leadership when he seems to be a natural leader but I know how for feels about personal questions i sniff wipe my face one more time and smooth down my hair do I look like I've been crying i say h he leans in close narrowing his eyes like he's inspecting my face a smile tugs at the corner of his mouth even closer so he'd be breathing the same air if I could remember to breathe no Tris he says a more serious look replaces his smile as he adds you look tough as nails chapter 19 when I walk in most of the other initiates Dauntless Born and Transfer alike are crowded between the rows of bunk beds with Peter at their center he holds a piece of paper in both hands the mass exodus of the children of Abnigation leaders cannot be ignored or attributed to coincidence he reads "The recent transfer of Beatatrice and Caleb Prior the children of Andrew Prior calls into question the soundness of Abnigation's values and teachings cold creeps up my spine." Christina is standing on the other edge of the crowd looks over her shoulder and spots me she gives me a worried look i can't move my father now the arodite are attacking my father why else would the children of such an important man decide that the lifestyle he has set out for them is not an admirable one peter continues molly Atwood a fellow Dauntless transfer suggest a disturb and abusive upbringing might be to blame i heard her talking in her sleep once molly says she was telling her father to stop doing something i don't know what it was but it gave her nightmares so this is Molly's revenge she must have talked to the area reporter that Christina yelled at she smiles her teeth are crooked if I knock them out I might be doing her a favor what i demand or I try to demand but my voice comes out strangled and scratchy i have to clear my throat and say it again what peter stops reading and a few people turn around some like Christina look at me in a pitying way their eyebrows drawn in their mouths turned down at the corners but most give me little smirks and eye one another suggestively peter turns last with a wide smile give me that I say holding up my hand my face burns but I'm not done reading he replies laughter in his voice he scans the paper again however perhaps the answer lies not in a morally bar man but in the corrupted ideals of an entire faction perhaps the answer is that we have entrusted our city to a group of proitizing tyrants who do not know how to lead us out of poverty and into prosperity i storm up to him and try to snatch the paper from his hands but he holds it up high above my head so I can't reach it unless I jump and I won't jump instead I lift my heel and stomp as hard as I can where the bones in his foot connect to his toes he grits his teeth to stifle a groan then I throw myself at Molly hoping the force of the impact will surprise her and knock her down but before I can do any damage cold hands close on my waist that's my father i scream my father you coward will pulls me away from her lifting me off the ground my breaths come out fast and I struggle to grab the paper before anyone can read another word of it i have to burn it i have to destroy it i I have to will drags me out of the room and into the hallway his fingernails digging into my skin once the door shuts behind him he lets go and I shove him as hard as I can what did you think I could defend myself against that piece of cander trash no says Will he stands in front of the door i figured I'd stop you from starting to brawl in the dormatory calm down i laugh a little calm down calm down that's my family they're talking about that's my faction no it's not there are dark circles under his eyes he looks exhausted it's your old faction and there's nothing you can do about what they say so you might as well just ignore it were you even listening the heat in my cheeks is gone and my breaths are more even now your stupid ex-faction isn't just insulting Abnigation anymore they're calling for an overthrow of the entire government will laughs no they're not they're arrogant and dull and that's why I left them but they aren't revolutionaries they just want more say that's all and they resent abnigation for refusing to listen to them they don't want people to listen they want people to agree I reply and you shouldn't bully people into agreeing with you i touch my palms to my cheeks i can't believe my brother joined them hey they're not all bad he says sharply i nod but I don't believe him i can't imagine anyone emerging from the aridite unsca though will seems all right the door opens again and Christine and Al walk out "it's my turn to get tattooed," she says "want to come with us?" I smooth my hair i can't go back into the dormatory even if we'll let me I'm outnumbered there my only choice is to go with them and try to forget what's happening outside the Dauntless compound i have enough to worry about without anxiety about my family ahead of me al gives Christina a piggyback ride she shrieks as he charges through the crowd people give him a wide birth when they can my shoulder still burns christina persuaded me to join her in getting a tattoo of the Dauntless Seal it's a circle with a flame inside it my mother didn't even react to the one on my collarbone so I don't have as many reservations about getting tattoos they're part of life here just as integral to my initiation as learning to fight christina also persuaded me to purchase a shirt that exposes my shoulders and collarbone and to line my eyes with black pencil again i don't bother objecting to her makeup attempts anymore especially since I find myself enjoying them will and I walk behind Christina and Al i can't believe you got another tattoo he says shaking his head why i say because I'm a stiff no because you're sensible he smiles his teeth are white and straight so what was your fear today Tris too many crows I reply you he laughs too much acid i don't ask what that means it's really fascinating how it all works he says it's basically a struggle between your theamus which is producing the fear and your frontal lobe which makes decisions but the simulation is all in your head so even though you feel like someone is doing it to you it's just you doing it to yourself and he trails off sorry I sound like an aridite just a habit i shrug it's interesting almost drops Christina and she slaps her hands around the first thing she can grab which just happens to be his face he cringes and adjusts his grip on her legs at a glance Al seems happy but there's something heavy about even his smiles i'm worried about him i see four standing by the chasm a group of people around him he laughs so hard he just has to grab the railing for balance judging by the bottle in his hand and the brightness of his face he's intoxicated or on his way there i began to think of four is rigid like a soldier and forgot that he's also 18 uh-oh says Will instructor alert at least it's not Eric I say he'd probably make us play chicken or something sure but four's scary remember when he put the gun up to Peter's head i think Peter wet himself peter deserved it I say firmly will doesn't argue with me he might have a few weeks ago but now we've all seen what Peter's capable of tris for calls out will and I exchange a look half surprised and half apprehension four pulls away from the railing and walks up to me ahead of us Al and Christina stop running and Christina slides to the ground i don't blame them for staring there are four of us and four's only talking to me you look different his words normally crisp are now sluggish so do you I say and he does he looks more relaxed younger what are you doing flirting with death he replies with a laugh drinking near the chasm it's probably not a good idea no it isn't i'm not sure I like for this way there's something unsettling about it didn't know you had a tattoo he says looking at my collarbone he sips the bottle his breath smells thick and sharp like the factionless man's breath right the the crows," he says he glances over his shoulder at his friends we're carrying on without him unlike mine he adds "I'd ask you to hang out with us but you're not supposed to see me this way." I'm tending to ask him why he wants me to hang out with him but I suspect the answer has something to do with the bottle in his hand what way i ask drunk yeah no his voice softens real I guess i'll pretend I didn't nice of you he puts his lips next to my ear and says "You look good Tris." His words surprise me and my heart leaps i wish it didn't because judging by the way his eyes slide over mine he has no idea what he's saying i laugh do me a favor and stay away from the chasm okay of course he winks at me i can't help it i smile will clears his throat but I don't want to turn away from four even when he walks back to his friends then Al rushes at me like a rolling boulder and throws me over his shoulder i shriek my face hot "come on little girl," he says "i'm taking you to dinner." I rest my elbows on Al's back and wave at four as he carries me away "thought I would rescue you," Al says as we walk away he sets me down "what was that all about?" He's trying to sound light-hearted but he asked the question almost sadly he still cares too much about me yeah I think we'd all like to know the answer to that question says Christina in a singong voice what'd he say to you nothing i shake my head he He was drunk he He didn't even know what he was saying i clear my throat that's why I was grinning it's funny to see him that way right says Will couldn't possibly be because I elbow Will harden the ribs before he can finish his sentence he was close enough to hear what Force said to me about looking good i don't need him telling everyone about it and especially not Al i don't want to make him feel worse at home I used to spend calm pleasant nights with my family my mother knit scars for the neighborhood kids my father helped Caleb with his homework there was a fire in the fireplace and peace in my heart as I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing and everything was quiet i've never been carried around by a large boy or laughed until my stomach hurt at the dinner table or listened to the clamor of a hundred people all talking at once peace is restrained this is free chapter 20 i breathe through my nose in out in it's just a simulation tris forces quietly he's wrong the last simulation bled into my life waking and sleeping nightmares not just featuring the crows but the feelings I had in the simulation terror and helplessness which I suspect is what I'm really afraid of sudden fits of terror in the shower at breakfast on the way here nails bitten down so far my nail beds ache and I'm not the only one who feels this way i can tell still i nod and close my eyes i'm in darkness the last thing I remember is the metal chair and the needle in my arm this time there is no field there are no crows my heart pounds in anticipation what monsters will creep from the darkness and steal my rationality how long will I have to wait for them a blue orb lights up a few feet ahead of me and then another one filling the room with light i'm on the pit floor next to the chasm and the initiates stand around me their arms folded and their faces blank i search for Christine and find her standing among them none of them move their stillness makes my throat feel tight i see something in front of me my own faint reflection i touch it and my fingers find glass cool and smooth i look up there's a pain above me i'm in a glass box i press above my head to see if I can force the box open it doesn't budge i'm sealed in my heart beats faster i don't want to be trapped someone taps on the wall in front of me four he points at my feet smirking a few seconds ago my feet were dry but now I stand in half an inch of water and my socks are soggy i crouch to see where the water's coming from but it seems to be coming from nowhere rising up from the box's glass bottom i look up at four and he shrugs he joins the crowd of initiates the water rises fast it now covers my ankles i pound against the glass with my fist hey I say hey let me out of here the water slides up my bare calves as it rises cool and soft i hit the glass harder get me out of here i stare at Christina she leans over to Peter who stands beside her and whispers something in his ear they both laugh the water covers my thighs i pound both fists against the glass i'm not trying to get their attention anymore i'm trying to break out frantic I bang against the glass as hard as I can i step back and throw my shoulder into the wall once twice three times four times i hit the wall until my shoulder aches screaming for help watching the water rise to my waist my rib cage my chest help i scream please please help i slap the glass i will die in this tank i drag my shaking hands through my hair i see Will standing among the initiates and something tickles at the back of my mind something he said "come on think." I stop trying to break the glass it's hard to breathe but I have to try i'll need as much air as I can get in a few seconds my body rises weightless in the water i float closer to the ceiling and tilt my head back as the water covers my chin gasping I press my face to the glass above me sucking in as much air as I can then the water covers me sealing me into the box don't panic it's no use my heart pounds and my thoughts scatter i thrash in the water smacking the walls i kick the glass as hard as I can but the water slows down my foot the simulation is all in your head i scream and water fills my mouth if it's in my head I control it the water burns my eyes the initiates passive faces stare back at me they don't care i scream again and shove the wall with my palm i hear something a cracking sound when I pull my hand away there's a line in the glass i slam my other hand next to the first and drive another crack through the glass this one spreading outward from my palm and long crooked fingers my chest burns like it just swallowed fire i kick the wall my toes ache from the impact and I hear a long low groan the pain shatters and the force of the water against my back throws me forward there's air again i gasp and sit up i'm in the chair i gulp and shake up my hands force stands to my right but instead of helping me up he just looks at me what i ask how do you do that do what crack the glass i I don't know for finally offers me his hand i swing my legs over the side of the chair and when I stand I feel steady calm he sides and grabs me by the elbow half leading and half dragging me out of the room we walk quickly down the hallway and then I stop pulling my arm back he stares at me in silence he won't give me any information without prompting what i demand you're divergent he replies i stare at him fear pulsing through me like electricity he knows how does he know i must have slipped up said something wrong i should act casual i lean back pressing my shoulders to the wall and say "What's divergent?" "Don't play stupid," he says "i suspected it last time but this time it's obvious you manipulated the simulation you're divergent i'll delete the footage but unless you want to wind up dead at the bottom of the chasm you'll figure out how to hide it during the simulations now if you'll excuse me he walks back to the simulation room and slams the door behind him i feel my heartbeat in my throat i manipulated the simulation i broke the glass i didn't know that was an act of divergence how did he I push myself away from the wall and start down the hallway i need answers and I know who has them i walk straight to the tattoo place where I last saw Tori there aren't many people out because it's mid-afternoon and most of them are at work or at school there are three people in the tattoo place the other tattoo artist who's drawing a line on another man's arm and Tori who is sorting through a stack of paper on the counter she looks up when I walk in hello Tris she says she glances at the other tattoo artist who's too focused on what he's doing to notice us let's go in the back i follow her behind the curtain that separates the two rooms the next room contains a few chairs spare tattoo needles ink pads of paper and framed artwork tori draws the curtain shut and sits in one of the chairs i sit next to her tapping my feet to give myself something to do what's going on she says how are the simulations going really well i nod a few times a little too well I hear ah please help me understand I say quietly what does it mean to be i hesitate i should not say the word here what the hell am I what does it have to do with the simulations tori's demeanor changes she leans back and crosses her arms her expression becomes guided among other things you you're someone who's aware when they're in a simulation that what they are experiencing is not real she says someone who can then manipulate the simulation or even shut it down and also she leans forward and looks into my eyes someone who because you're also dauntless tends to die a weight settles on my chest like each sentence she speaks is piling there tension builds inside me until I can't stand to hold it in anymore i have to cry or scream or I let out a harsh little laugh that dies almost as soon as it's born and say "So I'm going to die then?" "Not necessarily," she says "the dauntless leaders they they don't know about it yet." I deleted your aptitude results from the system immediately and manually lodge your result as abnation but make no mistake if they discover what you are they will kill you i stare at her in silence she doesn't look crazy she sounds steady if a little urgent and I never suspected her of being unbalanced but she must be there hasn't been a murder in our city as long as I've been alive even if individuals are capable of it the leaders of a faction can't possibly be you're paranoid I say the leaders of the Dauntless wouldn't kill me people don't do that not anymore that That's the point of all this all All the factions oh you think so she plants her hands on her knees and stares right at me her face is tout with sudden ferocity they got my brother why not you huh what makes you special your brother i say narrowing my eyes yeah my brother he and I both transferred from Ariodite only his aptitude test was inconclusive on the last day of simulations they found his body in the chasm said it was a suicide only my brother was doing well in training he was dating another initiate and he was happy she shakes her head you have a brother right don't you think you would know if he was suicidal i try to imagine Caleb killing himself even the thought sounds ridiculous to me even if Caleb was miserable it would not be an option her sleeves are rolled up so I can see a tattoo of a river on her arm did she get it after her brother died was the river another fear she overcame she lowers her voice in the second stage of training George got really good really fast he said the simulations weren't even scary to him they were like a game so the instructors they took a special interest in him piled into the room whenever he went under just instead of just letting the instructor report his results they whispered about him all the time the last day of simulations one of the Dauntless leaders came in to see it himself next day Georgie was gone i could be good at the simulations if I mastered whatever force helped me break the glass i could be so good that all the instructors took notice i could but will I is that all it is i say just changing the simulations i doubt it she says but that's all I know how many people know about this i say thinking of four about manipulating the simulations two kinds of people she says people who want you dead or people who have experienced it themselves firstand or secondhand like me ford told me he would delete the recording of me breaking the glass he doesn't want me dead is he divergent was a family member a friend a girlfriend i push the thought aside i can't let him distract me i don't understand I say slowly why the Dauntless leaders care that I can manipulate the simulation if I had it figured out I would have told you by now she presses her lips together the only thing I've come up with is that changing the simulation isn't what they care about it's just a symptom of something else something they do care about tori takes my hand and presses it between her palms think about this she says these people taught you how to use a gun they taught you how to fight you think they're above hurting you above killing you she releases my hand and stands i have to go or But ask questions be careful Tris chapter 21 the door to the pit closes behind me and I'm alone i've not walked this tunnel since the day of the choosing ceremony i remember how I walked it then my footsteps unsteady searching for light i walk it now i don't need light anymore it's been 4 days since I spoke to Tori since then Ariodite has released two articles about abnigation the first article accuses Abnigation of withholding luxuries like cars and fresh fruit from other factions in order to force their belief in self-denial over everyone else when I read it I thought of Will's sister Cara accusing my mother of hoarding goods the second article discusses the failings of choosing government officials based on their faction asking why only people who define themselves as selfless should be in government it promotes a return to the democratically elected political systems of the past it makes a lot of sense which makes me suspect it's a call for a revolution wrapped in the clothing of rationality i reach the end of the tunnel the net stretches across the gaping hole just as it did when I last saw it i climb the stairs to the wooden platform where four pulled me to solid ground and grab the bar that the net's attached to i would not have been able to lift my body up with just my arms when I first got here but now I do it almost without thinking and roll into the center of the net above me are empty buildings that stand at the edge of the hole in the sky it's dark blue and starless there's no moon the articles troubled me but I had friends to cheer me up and that's something when the first one was released Christina charmed me one of the cooks in the Dono's kitchens and he let us try some cake batter after the second article Uriah and Marlene taught me a card game and we played for two hours in the dining hall tonight though I want to be alone more than that I want to remember why I came here and why I was so determined to stay here that I would jump off a building for it even before I knew what being Dauntless was i worked my fingers through the holes in the knit beneath me i wanted to be like the Dauntless I saw at school i wanted to be loud and daring and free like them but they weren't members yet they were just playing at being dauntless and so was I so was I when I jumped off that roof i didn't know what fear was in the past four days I faced four fears in one I was tied to a stake and Peter set a fire beneath my feet in another I was drowning again this time in the middle of an ocean as the water raged around me in the third I watched as my family slowly bled to death and in the fourth I was held at gunpoint and forced to shoot them i know what fear is now wind rushes over the lip of the hole and washes over me and I close my eyes in my mind I stand at the edge of the roof again i undo the buttons on my gray abnigation shirt exposing my arms revealing more of my body than anyone else has ever seen i ball the shirt up and hurl it at Peter's chest i opened my eyes no I was wrong i didn't jump off the roof because I wanted to be like the Dauntless i jumped off because I already was like them and I wanted to show myself to them i wanted to acknowledge a part of myself that abnigation demanded I hide i stretch my hands over my head and hook them in the net again i reach with my toes as far as I can taking up as much of the net as possible the night sky is empty and silent and for the first time in 4 days so is my mind i hold my head in my hands and breathe deeply today the simulation was the same as yesterday someone held me at gunpoint and ordered me to shoot my family when I lift my head I see that four is watching me i know the simulation isn't real I say you don't have to explain it to me he replies you love your family you don't want to shoot them not the most unreasonable thing in the world in the simulations the only time I get to see them I say even though he says I don't I feel like I have to explain why this fear is so difficult for me to face i twist my fingers together and pull them apart my nail beds are bitten raw i've been chewing them as I sleep i wake to bloody hands every morning i miss them you ever just miss your family for looks down no he says eventually i don't but that's unusual it is unusual so unusual it distracts me from the memory of holding a gun to Caleb's chest what was his family like that he no longer cares about them i paused with my hand on the doororknob and looked back at him are you like me i ask him silently are you divergent even thinking the word feels dangerous his eyes halt mine in the silent seconds pass he looks less and less stern i hear my heartbeat i've been looking at him too long but then he's been looking back i feel like we're both trying to say something the other can't hear though I could be imagining it too long and now even longer my heart even louder his tranquil eyes swallowing me whole i pushed the door open and hurried down the hallway i shouldn't be so easily distracted by him i shouldn't be able to think of anything but initiation the simulation should disturb me more they should break my mind as they've been doing to most the other initiates drew doesn't sleep he just stares at the wall curled in a bowl al screams every night from his nightmares and cries into his pillow my nightmares and chewed fingernails pale by comparison al screams wake me every time and I stare at the springs above me and wonder what on earth is wrong with me that I still feel strong when everyone else is breaking down is it being divergent that makes me steady or is it something else when I get back to the dormatory I expect to find the same thing I found the day before a few initiates lying on beds are staring at nothing instead they stand in a group on the other end of the room eric is in front of them with a chalkboard in his hands which is facing the other way so I can't see what's written on it i stand next to Will "what's going on?" I whisper i hope it isn't another article because I'm not sure I can handle any more hostility directed at me rankings for stage two he says i thought there weren't any cuts after stage two i hiss there aren't it's just a progress report sort of i nod the side of the board makes me feel uneasy like something swimming in my stomach eric lifts the board above his head and hangs it on the nail when he steps aside the room falls silent and I crane my neck to see what it says my name is in the first slot heads turn in my direction i follow the list down christine and Will are seventh and ninth respectively peter's second but when I look at the time listed by his name I realize that the margin between us is conspicuously wide peter's average simulation time is 8 minutes mine is 2 minutes 45 seconds nice job Tris will says quietly i nod still staring at the board i should be pleased that I'm ranked first but I know what that means if Peter and his friends hated me before they'll despise me now now I'm Edward it could be my eye next or worse i search for Al's name and find it in the last slot the crowd of initiates breaks up slowly leaving just me Peter Will and Al standing there i want to console Al to tell him that the only reason that I'm doing well is that there's something different about my brain peter turns slowly every limb infused with tension a glare would have been less threatening than the look he gives me a look of pure hatred he walks toward his bunk but at the last second he whips around and shoves me against a wall a hand on each of my shoulders i will not be outranked by a stiff he hisses his face so close to mine I can smell his sill breath how'd you do it huh how the hell did you do it he pulls me forward a few inches and then slams me against the wall again i glance my teeth to keep from crying out though the pain from the impact went all the way down my spine will grabs Peter by his shirt collar and drags him away from me "leave her alone," he says "only a coward bullies a little girl." "A little girl," scoffs Peter throwing off Will's hand "are you blind or just stupid she's going to edge you out of the rankings and out of dauntless and you're going to get nothing." All because she knows how to manipulate people and you don't so when you realize that she's out to ruin us all you let me know peter storms out of the dormatory molly and Drew follow him looks of disgust on their faces "thanks," I say nodding to Will "is he right?" Will asked quietly "you trying to manipulate us how on earth would I do that?" I scowl at him "i'm just doing the best I can like anyone else." "I don't know," he shrugs a little "by acting weak so we pity you then acting tough to psych us out psych you out?" I repeat i'm your friend i wouldn't do that he doesn't say anything i can tell he doesn't believe me not quite don't be an idiot Will says Christina hopping down from her bunk she looks at me without sympathy and adds she's not acting christina turns and leaves without banging the door shut will follows i'm alone in the room with Al the first and the last al has never looked small before but he does now with his shoulders slumped and his body collapsing on itself like crumpled paper he sits down on the edge of his bed "are you all right?" I ask "sure," he says his face is bright red i look away asking him was just a formality "anyone with eyes can see that Al is not all right." "It's not over," I say "you can improve your rank if you" My voice trails off when he looks up at me i don't even know what I would say to him if I finish my sentence there's no strategy for stage two it reaches deep into the heart of who we are and tests whatever courage is there see he says "It's not that simple." "I know it's not i don't think you do," he says shaking his head his chin wobbles "for you it's easy all this is easy." "That's not true." "Yeah it is." He closes his eyes you weren't helping me by pretending it isn't i don't I'm not sure you can help me at all i feel like I just walked into a downpour and all my clothes are heavy with water like I'm heavy and awkward and useless i don't know if he means that no one can help him or if I specifically can't help him but I would not be okay with either interpretation i want to help him i'm powerless to do so i I start to say meaning to apologize but for what for being more dauntless than he is for not knowing what to say i just The tears that have been gathering in his eyes spill over wetting his cheeks want to be alone i nod and turn away from him leaving him is not a good idea but I can't stop myself the door clicks in a place behind me and I keep walking i walk past the drinking fountain and through the tunnels that seem endless as the day I got here but now barely registered my mind this is not the first time I've failed my family since I got here but for some reason it feels that way every other time I failed I knew what to do but chose not to do it this time I didn't know what to do have I lost the ability to see what people need have I lost part of myself i keep walking somehow I find the hallway I sat in the day Edward left i don't want to be alone but I don't feel like I have much of a choice i close my eyes and pay attention to the cold stone beneath me and breathe the musty underground air tris someone calls from the end of the hallway uriah jogs toward me behind him are Lynn and Marlene lynn is holding a muffin thought I would find you here he crouches near my feet i heard you got ranked first so you just wanted to congratulate me i smirk well thanks someone should he says i figured your friends might not be so congratulatory since their ranks aren't as high so quit moping and come with us i'm going to shoot a muffin off Marlene's head the idea is so ridiculous I can't stop myself from laughing i get up and follow Uriah to the end of the hallway where Marlene and Lynn are waiting lynn narrows her eyes at me but Marlene grins why aren't you out celebrating she asks you're practically guaranteed a top 10 spot if you keep it up she's too dauntless for the other transfers Uriah says and too abnigation to celebrate remarks Lynn i ignore her why are you shooting a muffin off Marlene's head she bet me I couldn't aim well enough to hit a small object from 100 ft your eye explains i bet her she didn't have the guts to stand there as I tried it works out well really the training room where I first fired a gun is not far from my hidden hallway we get there in under a minute and your eye flips on a light switch it looks the same as the last time I was there targets on one end of the room a table with guns on the other they just keep these lying around i ask oh yeah but they aren't loaded uriah pulls up his shirt there's a gun stuck under the waistband of his pants right under his tattoo i stare at the tattoo trying to figure out what it is but then he lets the shirt fall okay he says go stand in front of a target marlene walks away a skip in her step you aren't seriously going to shoot at her are you i ask Uriah it's not a real gun says Lynn quietly it's got plastic pellets in it the worst it'll do is sting her face maybe give her a weld what do you think we are stupid marlene stands in front of one of the targets and sets the muffin on her head your eyes squints one eye as he aims the gun wait calls out Marlene she breaks off a piece of the muffin and pops it into her mouth okay she shouts the word garbled by food she gives your eye a thumbs up i take it your ranks were good I say to Lynn she nods uriah's second i'm first marlene's fourth you're only first by a hair says Uriah as he aims he squeezes the trigger the muffin falls off Marlene's head she didn't even blink we both win she shouts you miss your old faction lynn asks me sometimes I say it was calmer not as exhausting marlene picks up the muffin from the ground and bites into it uriah shouts "Gross." Initiation's supposed to wear us down to who we really are that's what Eric says anyway Lynn says she arches an eyebrow for says it's to prepare us well they don't agree on much i nod for told me that Eric's vision for Dauntless is not what it's supposed to be but I wish he would tell me exactly what he thinks the right vision is i get glimpses of it every so often the Dauntless cheering when I jumped off the building the net of arms that caught me after ziplining but they're not enough has he read the Dauntless manifesto is that what he believes in in ordinary acts of bravery the door to the training room opens shauna Zeke and four walk in just as Uriah fires at another target the plastic pellet bounces off the center of the target and rolls along the ground i thought I heard something in here says four turns out it's my idiot brother says Zeke you're not supposed to be in here after hours careful or Fur will tell Eric and then you'll be as good as scout uriah wrinkles his nose at his brother and puts the pallet gun away marlene crumbs to the room taking bites of her muffin and four steps away from the door to let us file out you wouldn't tell Eric says Lynn eyeing four suspiciously no I wouldn't he says as I pass him he rests his hand on the top of my back to usher me out his palm pressing between my shoulder blades i shiver i hope he can't tell the others walked down the hallway Zeke and Uriah shoving each other marlene splitting her muffin with Shauna Lynn marching in front i start to follow them wait a second Force says i turn toward him wondering which version of Forall I'll see now the one who scolds me or the one who climbs ferris wheels with me he smiles a little but the smile doesn't spread to his eyes which look tense and worried you belong here you know that he says you belong with us it'll be over soon so just hold on okay he scratches behind his ear and looks away like he's embarrassed by what he said i stare at him i feel my heartbeat everywhere even in my toes i feel like doing something bold but I could just as easily walk away i'm not sure which option is smarter or better i'm not sure that I care i reach out and take his hand his fingers slide between mine i can't breathe i stare up at him and he stares down at me for a long moment we stay that way then I pull my hand away and run after Uriah and Lynn and Marlene maybe now he thinks I'm stupid or strange maybe it was worth it i get back to the dormatory before anyone else does and when they start to trickle in I get into bed and pretend to be asleep i don't need any of them not if they're going to react this way when I do well if I can make it through initiation I'll be dauntless and I won't have to see them anymore i don't need them but do I want them every tattoo I got with them is a mark of their friendship and almost every time I've laughed in this dark place was because of them i don't want to lose them but I feel like I have already after at least a half hour of racing thoughts I roll onto my back and open my eyes the dormator is dark now everyone's gone to bed probably exhausted from resenting me so much i think with a rice smile as if coming from the most hated faction wasn't enough now I'm showing them up too i get out of bed to get a drink of water i'm not thirsty but I need to do something my bare feet make sticky sounds on the floor as I walk my hands skimming the wall to keep my path straight a bulb glows blue above the drinking fountain i tug my hair over one shoulder and bend over as soon as the water touches my lips I hear voices at the end of the hallway i creep closer to them trusting the dark to keep me hidden so far there haven't been any signs of it eric's voice signs of what well you wouldn't have seen much of it yet someone replies a female voice cold and familiar but familiar like a dream not a real person combat training shows you nothing the simulations however reveal who the divergent rebels are if there are any so we'll have to examine the footage several times to be sure the word divergent makes me go cold i lean forward my back pressed to the stone to see who the familiar voice belongs to don't forget the reason I had Max appoint you the voice says your first priority is always finding them always i won't forget i shift a few inches forward hoping I'm still hidden whoever that voice belongs to she's pulling the strings she's responsible for Eric's leadership position she's the one who wants me dead i tilt my head forward straining to see them before they turn the corner then someone grabs me from behind i start to scream but a hand claps over my mouth it smells like soap and it's big enough to cover the lower half of my face i thrash but the arms holding me are too strong and I bite down on one of the fingers ow a rough voice cries shut up and keep your mouth covered that voice is higher than the average males and clearer peter a strip of dark cloth covers my eyes and a new pair of hands ties it at the back of my head i struggle to breathe there are at least two hands on my arms dragging me forward and one on my back shoving me in the same direction and one on my mouth keeping my screams in three people my chest hurts i can't resist three people on my own wonder what it sounds like when a stiff begs for mercy Peter says with a chuckle hurry up i try to focus on the hand on my mouth there must be something distinct about it that it will make him easier to identify his identity is a problem I can't solve i need to solve a problem right now or I'll panic the palm is sweaty and soft i clench my teeth to breathe through my nose the soap smells familiar lemongrass and sage the same smell surrounds Al's bunk a weight drops in my stomach i hear the crash of water against rocks we're near the chasm we must be above it given the volume of the sound i press my lips together to keep from screaming if we're above the chasm then I know what they intend to do to me lift her up come on i thrash and the rough skin grates against mine but I know it's useless i scream too knowing that no one can hear me here i will survive until tomorrow i will the hands push me around and up and slam my spine into something hard and cold judging by its width and curvature it's a metal railing it's the metal railing the one that overlooks the chasm my breast weeze and mist touches the back of my neck the hands force my back to arch over the railing my feet leave the ground and my attackers are the only thing keeping me from falling into the water a heavy hand grops along my chest you sure you're 16 Stiff doesn't feel like you're more than 12 the other boys laugh bile rises in my throat and I swallow the bitter taste wait I think I found something his hand squeezes me i bite my tongue to keep from screaming more laughter al's hand slips from my mouth stop that he snaps i recognize his low distinct voice when Al lets go of me I thrash again and slip down to the ground this time I bite down as hard as I can on the first arm I find i hear a scream and clench my jaw harder tasting blood something hard strikes my face white heat races through my head it would have been pain if adrenaline wasn't coursing through me like acid the boy wrenches his trapped arm away from me and throws me to the ground i bang my elbow against stone and bring my hands up to my head to remove the blindfold a foot drives in my side forcing the air from my lungs i gasp and cough and claw the back of my head someone grabs a handful of my hair and slams my head against something hard a scream of pain burst from my mouth and I feel dizzy clumsily I fumble along the side of my head to find the edge of the blindfold i drag my heavy hand up taking the blindfold with it and blink the scene before me is sideways and bobs up and down i see someone running toward us and someone running away someone large al i grab the railing next to me and haul myself to my feet peter wraps a hand around my throat and lifts me up his thumb wedged under my chin his hair which is usually shiny and smooth is tossled and sticks to his forehead his pale face is contorted and his teeth are gritted and he holds me over the chasm as spots appear on the edges of my vision crowding around his face green and pink and blue he says nothing i try to kick him but my legs are too short my lungs scream for air i hear a shout and he releases me i stretch out my arms as I fall gasping my armpits slam into the railing i hook my elbows over it and groan mist touches my ankles the world dips and sways around me and someone's on the pit floor drew screaming i hear thumps kicks groans i blink a few times and focus as hard as I can on the only face I can see it's contorted with anger his eyes are dark blue four i croak i close my eyes and hands wrap around my arms right where they join with his shoulder he pulls me over the railing and against his chest gathering me into his arms easing an arm under my knees i press my face into his shoulder and there's a sudden hollow silence chapter 22 i open my eyes to the words "Fear God alone." painted on a plain wall i hear the sound of running water again but this time it's from a faucet and not from the chasm seconds go by before I see definite edges in my surroundings the lines of doorframe and countertop and ceiling the pain is a constant throb in my head and cheek and ribs i shouldn't move it'll make everything worse i see a blue patchwork quilt under my head and winc as I tilt my head to see where the water sound is coming from for stands in the bathroom with his hands in the sink blood from his knuckles turns the sink water pink he has a cut at the corner of his mouth but he seems otherwise unharmed his expression is placid as he examines his cuts he turns off the water and dries his hands with a towel i have only one memory of getting here and even that is just a single image black ink curling around the side of a neck the corner of a tattoo and the gentle sway that could only mean he was carrying me he turns off the bathroom light and gets an ice pack from the refrigerator in the corner of the room as he walks toward me I consider closing my eyes and pretending to be asleep but then our eyes meet and it's too late "your hands," I croak "my hands are none of your concern," he replies he rests his knee on the mattress and leans over me slipping the ice pack under my head before he pulls away I reach out to touch the cut on the side of his lip but stop when I realize what I'm about to do my hand hovering what do you have to lose i ask myself i touch my fingertips lightly to his mouth trris he says speaking against my fingers i'm all right why were you there i asked letting my hand drop i was coming back from the control room i heard a scream why were you there what'd you do to them i say i deposited Drew at the infirmary a half hour ago he says Peter now ran drew claimed they were just trying to scare you at least I think that's what he was trying to say he's in bad shape he'll live he replies he adds bitterly in what condition i can't say it isn't right to wish pain on other people just because they hurt me first but white hot triumph races through me at the thought of Drew in the infirmary and I squeeze for's arm good i say my voice sounds tight and fierce anger builds inside me replacing my blood with bitter water and filling me consuming me i want to break something or hit something but I'm afraid to move so I start crying instead four crouches by the side of the bed and watches me i see no sympathy in his eyes i would have been disappointed if I had he pulls his wrist free and to my surprise rest his hand on the side of my face his thumb skimming my cheekbone his fingers are careful i could report this he says no I reply i don't want them to think I'm scared he nods he moves his thumb absently over my cheekbone back and forth i figured you'd say that do you think it'd be a bad idea if I sat up i'll help you for grips my shoulder with one hand and holds my head steady with the other as I push myself up pain rushes through my body in sharp bursts but I try to ignore it stifling a groan he hands me the ice pack "you can let yourself be in pain," he says "it's just me here." I bite down on my lip there are tears on my face but neither of us mentions or even acknowledges them i suggest you rely on your transfer friends to protect you from now on he says "i thought I was," I say i feel Al's hand against my mouth again and a sob jolts my body forward i press my hand on my forehead and rock slowly back and forth but Al he wanted you to be the small quiet girl from abnigation For says softly he hurt you because your strength made him feel weak no other reason i nod and try to believe him the others won't be as jealous if you show some vulnerability even if it's real you think I have to pretend to be vulnerable i ask raising an eyebrow yes I do he takes the ice pack from me his fingers brushing mine and holds it against my head himself i put my hand down too eager to relax my arm to object for stands up I stare at the hem of his t-shirt sometimes I see him as just another person and sometimes I feel the sight of him in my gut like a deep ache you're going to want to march into breakfast tomorrow and show your attackers they had no effect on you he adds but you should let that bruise on your cheek show and keep your head down the idea nauseates me i don't think I can do that I say hollowly i lift my eyes to his you have to i don't think you get it heat rises in my face they touched me his entire body tightens at my words his hand clenching around the ice pack touched you he repeats his dark eyes cold not in the way you're thinking I clear my throat i didn't realize when I said it how awkward it would be to talk about but almost i look away he's silent and still for so long that eventually I have to say something what is it i don't want to say this he says but I feel like I have to it's more important for you to be safe than right for the time being understand his straight eyebrows are drawn lower over his eyes my stomach rise partly because I know he makes a good point but I don't want to admit it and partly because I want something I don't know how to express i want to press against the space between us until it disappears i nod but please when you see an opportunity he presss his hand on my cheek cold and strong and tilts my head up so I have to look at him his eyes glint they look almost predatory ruin them i laugh shakily you're a little scary for it do me a favor he says don't call me that what should I call you Ben nothing he takes his hand from my face yet chapter 23 i don't go back to the dorms that night sleeping in the same room as the people who attacked me just to look brave would be stupid for sleeps on the floor and I sleep on his bed on top of the quilt breathing in the scent of his pillowcase it smells like detergent and something heavy sweet and distinctly male the rhythm of his breath slows and I prop myself to see if he's asleep he lies on his stomach with one arm around his head his eyes are closed his lips parted for the first time he looks as young as he is and I wonder who he really is who is he when he isn't dauntless isn't an instructor isn't four isn't anything in particular whoever he is I like him it's easy for me to admit that to myself now in the dark after all that just happened he's not sweet or gentle or particularly kind but he's smart and brave and even though he saved me he treated me like I was strong that's all I need to know i watch the muscles in his back expand and contract until I fall asleep i wake to aches and pains i cringe as I sit up holding my ribs and walk up to the small mirror on the opposite wall i'm almost too short to see myself in it but when I stand on my tiptoes I can see my face as expected there's a dark blue bruise on my cheek i hate the idea of slumping into the dining hall like this but For's instructions have stayed with me i have to mend my friendships i need the protection of seeming weak i tie my hair in a knot at the back of my head the door opens and four walks in a towel in hand and his hair glistening with shower water i feel a thrill in my stomach when I see the line of skin that shows above his belt as he lifts his hand to dry his hair and force my eyes up to his face "hi," I say my voice sounds tight i wish it didn't he touches my bruised cheek with just his fingertips not bad he says how's your head fine I say i'm lying my head is throbbing i brush my fingers over the bump and pain prickles over my scalp could be worse i could be floating in the river every muscle in my body tightens as his hand drops to my side where I got kicked he does it casually but I can't move and your side he asks his voice low only hurts when I breathe he smiles not much you can do about that peter would probably throw a party if I stop breathing well he says I'd only go if there was cake i laugh and then wse covering his hand to steady my rib cage he slides his hand back slowly his fingertips gracing my side when his fingers lift I feel an ache in my chest once this moment ends I have to remember what happened last night and I want to stay here with him he nods a little and leads the way out "i'll go in first," he says when we stand outside the dining hall "see you soon Tris." He walks through the doors and I'm alone yesterday he told me he thought I would have to pretend to be weak but he was wrong i'm weak already i brace myself against the wall and press my forehead to my hands it's difficult to take deep breaths so I take short shallow ones i can't let this happen they attack me to make me feel weak i can pretend they succeeded to protect myself but I can't let it become true i pull away from the wall and walk into the dining hall without another thought a few steps in I remember I'm supposed to look like I'm cowering so I slow my pace and hug the wall keeping my head down uriah at the table next to Will and Christina's lifts his hand to wave at me and then puts it down i sit next to Will al isn't there he isn't anywhere uriah slides into the seat next to me leaving his half-eaten muffin and a half-finish glass of water on the other table for a second all three of them just stare at me "what happened?" Will asks lowering his voice i look over his shoulder at the table behind ours peter sits there eating a piece of toast and whispering something to Molly my hand clenches around the edge of the table i want him to hurt but now isn't the time drew is missing which means he's still on the infirmary vicious pleasure courses through me at the thought peter drew i say i hold my side as I reach across the table for a piece of toast it hurts to stretch out my hand so I let myself wse and hunch over and I swallow and Al oh god says Christina her eyes wide are you all right uriah asks peter's eyes find mine across the dining hall and I have to force myself to look away that brings a bitter taste to my mouth to show him that he scares me but I have to for was right i have to do everything I can to make sure I don't get attacked again not really I say my eyes burn and it's not artifice unlike the wincing i shrug i believe Tori's warning now peter Drew and Al were ready to throw me into the chasm out of jealousy what is so unbelievable about the dauntless leaders committing murder i feel uncomfortable like I'm wearing someone else's skin if I'm not careful I could die i can't even trust the leaders of my faction my new family but you're just Uriah purses his lips it isn't fair three against one yeah and Peter's all about what's fair that's why he grabbed Edward in his sleep and stabbed it in the eye christina snorts and shakes her head alough are you sure Tris i stare at my plate i'm the next Edward but unlike him I'm not going to leave yeah I say i'm sure it has to be desperation says Will he's been acting I I don't know like a different person ever since stage two started then Drew shuffles into the dining hall i drop my toast and my mouth drifts open calling him bruised would be an understatement his face is swollen and purple he has a split lip and a cut running through his eyebrow he keeps his eyes down on the way to his table not even lifting them to look at me i glance across the room at four he wears the satisfied smile I wish I had on did you do that his his will i shake my head no someone I never saw who found me right before i gulp saying it out loud makes it worse makes it real i got tossed into the chasm they were going to kill you says Christine in a low voice maybe they might have been planning on dangling me over it just to scare me i lift his shoulder it worked christina gives me a sad look will just glares at the table we have to do something about this uriah says in a low voice what like beat them up christina grins looks like that's been taken care of already no that's pain they can get over replies Uriah we have to edge them out of the rankings that'll damage their futures permanently four gets up and stands between the tables conversation abruptly ceases transfers we're doing something different today he says follow me we stand and Uriah's forehead wrinkles be careful he tells me don't worry says Will we'll protect her for leads us out of the dining hall and along the path that's around the pit will is on my left christina is on my right i never really said I was sorry Christina says quietly for taking the flag when you earned it i don't know what was wrong with me i'm not sure if it's smart to forgive her or not to forgive either of them after what they said to me when the rains went up yesterday but my mother would tell me that people are flawed and I should be leaning with them and four told me to rely on my friends i don't know who I should rely on more because I'm not sure who my true friends are uriah and Marlene who are on my side even when I seem strong or Christine and Will who've always protected me when I seem weak when her wide brown eyes meet mine I nod let's just forget about it i still want to be angry but I have to let my anger go we climb higher than I've gone before until Will's face goes white whenever he looks down most of the time I like heights so I grab Will's arm like I need a support but really I'm letting him mine he smiles gratefully at me ford turns around and walks backward a few steps backward on a narrow path with no railing how well does he know this place he eyes Drew who trudges at the back of the group and says "Pick up the pace Drew it's a cruel joke but it's hard for me to fight off a smile that is until For's eyes shift to my armor on Wills and all the humor drains from them his expression sends a chill through mine is he jealous we get closer and closer to the glass ceiling and for the first time in days I see the sun four walks up a flight of metal stairs leading through a hole in the ceiling they creek under my feet and I look down to see the pit in the chasm below us we walk across the glass which is now a floor rather than a ceiling through a cylindrical room with a glass wall the surrounding buildings are half collapsed and appear to be abandoned which is probably why I never noticed the Dauntless compound before the Abnigation sector is also far away the Dauntless mill around the glass room talking in clusters at the edge of the room two Dauntless fight with sticks laughing when one of them misses and hits on the air above me two ropes stretch across the room one a few feet higher than the other they probably have something to do with the daredevil stunts the Dauntless are famous for four leads us through another door beyond it is a huge dank space with graffitied walls and exposed pipes the room is lit by a series of oldfashioned fluorescent tubes with plastic covers they must be ancient this says for his eyes bright and pale light is a different kind of simulation known as the fear landscape it's been disabled for our purposes so this isn't what it'll be like the next time you see it behind him the word dauntless is spray painted in red artistic lettering on a concrete wall through your simulations we've stored data about your worst fears the fear landscape accesses that data and presents you with a series of virtual obstacles some of the obstacles will be fears you previously faced in your simulations some may be new fears the difference is that you're aware in the fear landscape that it's a simulation so you'll have all your wits about you as you go through it that means that everyone will be like divergent in the fear landscape i don't know if that's a relief because I can't be detected or a problem because I won't have the advantage four continues the number of fears you have in your landscape varies according to how many you have how many fears will I have i think of facing the crows again and shiver though the air is warm i told you before that the third stage of initiation focuses on mental preparation he says I remember when he said that on the first day right before he put a gun to Peter's head i wish he'd pulled the trigger that's because it requires you to control both your emotions and your body to combine the physical abilities you learned in stage one with the emotional mastery you learned in stage two to keep a level head one of the fluorescent tubes above four's head twitches and flickers four stops scanning the crowd of initiates and focuses his stare on me next week you'll go through your fear landscape as quickly as possible in front of a panel of dauntless leaders that'll be your final test which determines your ranking for stage three just as stage two of initiation is weighed more heavily than stage one stage three is weighted heaviest of all understood we all nod even Drew who makes it look painful if I do well in my final test I have a good chance of making it into the top 10 and a good chance of becoming a member becoming dauntless the thought makes me almost giddy with relief you can get past each obstacle in one of two ways either you find a way to calm down enough that the simulation registers a normal a steady heartbeat or you find a way to face your fear which can force the simulation to move on one way to face a fear of drowning is to swim deeper for example poor shrugs i suggest that you take the next week to consider your fears and develop strategies to face them that doesn't sound fair says Peter what if one person only has seven fears and someone else has 20 that's not their fault for stares at him for a few seconds then laughs "Do you really want me to talk about what's fair?" The crowd of initiates parts to make way for him as he walks toward Peter folds his arms and says in a deadly voice "I understand why you're worried Peter the events of last night certainly prove that you're a miserable coward." Peter stares back expressionless "so now we all know," says four quietly "that you're afraid of a short skinny girl from abnigation." His mouth curls in a smile will puts his arm around me christina's shoulders shake with suppressed laughter and somewhere within me I find a smile too when we get back to the dorm that afternoon Al is there will stands behind me and holds my shoulders lightly as if to remind me that he's there christina edges closer to me al's eyes have shadows beneath them and his face is swollen from crying pain stabs my stomach when I see him i can't move the scent of lemongrass and sage once pleasant turns sour in my nose tris says Al his voice breaking can I talk to you are you kidding will squeezes my shoulders you don't get to come near her ever again i I won't hurt you i I never wanted to al covers his face with both hands i just want to say that I'm sorry i'm so sorry i don't I don't know what's wrong with me i Please forgive me please he reaches for me like he's going to touch my shoulder or my hand his face wet with tears somewhere inside me is a merciful forgiving person somewhere there's a girl who tries to understand what people are going through who accepts that people do evil things and that desperation leads them to darker places than they ever imagined i swear she exists and she hurts for the repentant boy I see in front of me but if I saw her I wouldn't recognize her "stay away from me," I say quietly my body feels rigid and cold and I'm not angry i'm not hurt i'm nothing i say my voice low never come near me again our eyes meet his are dark and glassy i'm nothing if you do I swear to God I will kill you I say you coward chapter 24 tris in my dream my mother says my name she beckons to me and I cross the kitchen to stand beside her she points to the pot on the stove and I lift the lid to peek inside the beady eye of a crow stares back at me its winged feathers pressed to the side of the pot its fat body covered with boiling water dinner she says trris I hear again i open my eyes christina stands next to my bed her cheeks stre with mascara tinted tears it's Al she says come on some of the other initiates are awake and some aren't christina grabs my hand and pulls me out of the dormatory i run barefoot over the stone floor blinking clouds from my eyes my limbs still heavy with sleep something terrible has happened i feel it with every thump of my heart it's Al we run across the pit floor and then Christina stops a crowd has gathered around the ledge but everyone stands a few feet from one another so there's enough space for me to maneuver past Christina and around a tall middle-aged man to the front two men stand next to the ledge hoisting something up with ropes they both grunt from the effort heaving their weight back so the ropes slide over the railing then reaching forward to grab again a huge dark shape appears over the ledge and a few dauntless rush forward to help the two men haul it over the shape falls with a thought on the pit floor a pale arm swollen with water flops onto the stone a body christina pulls herself tight to my side clinging to my arm she turns her head into my shoulder and sobs but I can't look away a few of the men turn the body over and the head flops to the side the eyes are open and empty dark doll's eyes and the nose has a high arch a narrow bridge a round tip the lips are blue the face itself is something other than human half corpse and half creature my lungs burn my next breath rattles on the way in al one of the initiates someone says behind me what happened same thing that happens every year someone else replies he pitched himself over the ledge don't be so morbid could have been an accident they found him in the middle of the chasm you think he tripped over his shoelace and whoopsies just stumbled 15 forward christina's hands get tighter and tighter around my arm i should tell her to let go of me it's starting to hurt someone kneels next to Al's face and pushes his eyelids shut trying to make it look like he's sleeping maybe stupid why do people want to pretend that death is sleep it isn't it isn't something inside me collapses my chest is so tight suffocating and can't breathe i sink to the ground dragging Christina down with me the stone is rough under my knees i hear something a memory of sound al's sobs his screams at night should have known still can't breathe i press both palms to my chest and rock back and forth to free the tension in my chest when I blink I see the top of Al's head as he carries me on his back to the dining hall i feel the bounce of his footsteps he's big and warm and clumsy no was that's death shifting from is to was is brought a large black bag to put the body in i can tell that it'll be too small a laugh rises in my throat and flaps from my mouth strained and gurgling al's too big for the body bag what a tragedy halfway through the laugh I clamp my mouth shut and it sounds more like a groan i pull my arm free and stand leaving Christine on the ground i run here you go Tori says she hands me a steaming mug that smells like peppermint i hold it with both hands my fingers prickling with warmth she sits down across from me when it comes to funerals the Dauntless don't waste any time tori said they want to acknowledge death as soon as it happens there are no people in the front room of the tattoo parlor but the pit is crawling with people most of them drunk i don't know why that surprises me at home a funeral is a somber occasion everyone gathers to support the deceased family and no one has idle hands but there's no laughter or shouting or joking and the obnigation don't drink alcohol so everyone's sober it makes sense that funerals would be the opposite here drink it she says it'll make you feel better i promise i don't think tea is the solution I say slowly but I sip it anyway it warms my mouth and my throat and trickles into my stomach i didn't realize how deeply cold I was until I wasn't anymore better is the word I use not good she smiles at me but the corners of her eyes don't crinkle like they usually do i don't think good will happen for a while i bite my lip how long i struggle for the right words how long did it take you to be okay again after your brother don't know she shakes her head some days I feel like I'm still not okay some days I feel fine happy even took me a few years to stop plotting revenge though why'd you stop i ask her eyes go vacant as she stares at the wall behind me she taps her fingers against her leg for a few seconds and then says "I don't think of it as stopping more like I'm waiting for my opportunity." She comes out of her days and checks her watch "time to go," she says i pour the rest of my tea down the sink when I lift my hand from the mug I realize that I'm shaking it's not good my hands usually shake before I start to cry and I can't cry in front of everyone i follow Tori out of the tattoo place and down the path to the pit floor all the people that were milling around earlier are gathered by the ledge now and the air smells potently of alcohol the woman in front of me lurches to the right losing her balance and then erupts into giggles as she falls against the man next to her tori grabs my arm and steers me away i find Uriah Will and Christina standing among the other initiates christina's eyes are swollen uriah is holding a silver flask he offers it to me i shake my head surprise surprise says Molly from behind me she nudges Peter with her elbow once a stiff always a stiff i should ignore her her opinion shouldn't matter to me i read an interesting article today she says leaning closer to my ear something about your dad the real reason you left your old faction defending myself isn't the most important thing on my mind but it's the easiest one to address i twist and my fist connects with her jaw my knuckles sting from the impact i don't remember deciding to punch her i don't remember forming a fist she lunges at me her hands outstretched but she doesn't get far will grabs her collar and pulls her back he looks from her to me and says "Quit it both of you." Part of me wishes that he hadn't stopped her a fight would be a welcome distraction especially now that Eric is climbing onto a box next to the railing i face him crossing my arms to keep myself steady i wonder what he'll say an abnigation no one has committed suicide in recent memory but the faction stance on it is clear suicide to them is an act of selfishness someone who is truly selfless does not think of himself often enough to desire death no one would say that out loud if it happened but everyone would think it quiet down everyone says Eric someone hints what sounds like a gong and the shouts gradually stop though the mutters don't eric says "Thank you as you know we're here because Albert and initiate jumped into the chasm last night." The mutter stopped too leaving just the rush of water in the chasm we don't know why says Eric and it would be easy to mourn the loss of him tonight but we did not choose a life of ease when we became dauntless and the truth of it is Eric smiles if I didn't know him I would think that smile is genuine but I do know him the truth is Albert is now exploring an unknown uncertain place he leaped in vicious waters to get there who among us is brave enough to venture into that darkness without knowing what lies beyond albert was not yet one of our members but we can be assured that he was one of our bravest a cry rises from the center of the crowd and a whoop the dauntless cheer at varying pitches high and low bright and deep their roar mimics the roar of the water christina takes the flash from Uriah and drinks will slides his arm around her shoulders and pulls her to his side voices fill my ears we will celebrate him now and remember him always yells Eric someone hands him a dark bottle and he lifts it to Albert the courageous to Albert shouts the crowd arms lift all around me and the dauntless chant his name they chant until his name no longer sounds like his name it sounds like the primal scream of an ancient race i turn away from the railing i can't stand this any longer i don't know where I'm going i suspect that I'm not going anywhere at all just away i walk down a dark hallway at the end is the drinking fountain bathed in the blue glow of the light above it i shake my head courageous courageous would have been admitting weakness and leaving Dauntless no matter what shame accompanied it pride is what killed Al and it's the flaw in every Dauntless heart it's in mine tris a jolt goes through me and I turn around four stands behind me just inside the blue circle of light it gives him an eerie look shading his eye sockets and casting shadows under his cheekbones what are you doing here i ask shouldn't you be paying your respects i say it like it tastes bad and I have to spit it out shouldn't you he says he steps toward me and I see his eyes again they look black in this light can't pay respect when you don't have any I reply i feel a twinge of guilt and shake my head i didn't mean that huh judging by the look he gives me he doesn't believe me i don't blame him this is ridiculous I say heat rushing into my cheeks he throws himself off a ledge and Eric's calling it brave eric who tried to have you throw knives at Al's head i taste bile eric's false smiles his artificial words his twisted ideals they make me want to be sick he wasn't brave he was depressed and a coward and he almost killed me is that the kind of thing that we respect here what do you want them to do he says condemn him al's already dead he can't hear it and it's too late it's not about Al i snap it's about everyone watching everyone who now sees hurling themselves into the chasm as a viable option i mean why do it if everyone calls you a hero afterward why not do it if everyone will remember your name i I I can't i shake my head my face burns and my heart pounds and I try to keep myself under control but I can't this would never have happened in abnigation i almost shout none of it never this place warped him and ruined him and I don't care if saying that makes me a stiff i don't care i don't care for's eyes shift to the wall above the drinking fountain careful Tris he says his eyes still on the wall "is that all you can say?" I demand scowlling at him "that I should be careful." "That's it." "You're as bad as the counter you know that?" He grabs my arm and drags me away from the drinking fountain his hand hurts my arm but I'm not strong enough to pull away his face is so close to mine that I can see a few freckles spotting his nose i'm not going to say this again so listen carefully he sets his hands on my shoulders his fingers pressing squeezing i feel small they're watching you you in particular let go of me I say weakly his fingers spring apart and he straightens some of the weight on my chest lifts now that he isn't touching me i fear his shifting moods they show me something unstable inside of him an instability is dangerous "are they watching you too?" I say so quietly he wouldn't be able to hear me if he wasn't standing so close he doesn't answer my question i keep trying to help you he says but you refuse to be helped oh right your help I say stabbing my ear with a knife and taunting me and yelling at me more than you yell at anyone else it sure is helpful taunting you you mean when I threw the knives i wasn't taunting you he snaps i was reminding you that if you failed someone else would have to take your place i cup the back of my neck with my hand and think back to the knife incident every time he spoke it was to remind me that if I gave up Al would have to take my place in front of the target why i say because you're from abnigation he says and it's when you're acting selfless that you're at your bravest i understand now he wasn't persuading me to give up he was reminding me why I couldn't because I needed to protect L the thought makes me achech now protect Al my friend my attacker i can't hate Al as much as I want to i can't forgive him either if I were you I'd do a better job of pretending that selfless impulse is going away he says because if the wrong people discover it it wouldn't be good for you why why do they care about my intentions intentions are the only thing they care about they try to make you think they care about what you do but they don't they don't want you to act a certain way they want you to think a certain way so you're easy to understand so you won't pose a threat to them he presses a hand to the wall next to my head and leans into it his shirt is just tight enough that I can see his collarbone and the faint depression between his shoulder muscle and his bicep i wish I was taller if I was tall my narrow build would be described as willowy instead of childish and he might not see me as a little sister he needs to protect i don't want him to see me as a sister i don't understand i say why they care what I think as long as I'm acting how they want me to you're acting how they want you to now he says but what happens when your abnigationwired brain tells you to do something else something they don't want i don't have an answer to that and I don't even know if he's right about me am I wired like the Abnigation or the Dauntless maybe the answer is neither maybe I'm wired like the divergent i might not need you to help me ever think about that i say "I'm not weak you know i can do this on my own." He shakes his head you think my first instinct is to protect you because you're small or a girl or a stiff but you're wrong he leans his face close to mine and wraps his fingers around my chin his hand smells like metal when was the last time he held a gun or a knife my skin tingles at the point of contact like he's transmitting electricity through his skin my first instinct is to push you until you break just to see how hard I have to press he says his finger squeezing at the word break my body tenses at the edge of his voice so I'm coiled as tight as a spring and I forget to breathe his dark eyes lifting to mine he adds but I resist it why i swallow hard why is that your first instinct fear doesn't shut you down it wakes you up i've seen it it's fascinating he releases me but doesn't pull away his hand grazing my jaw my neck sometimes I just want to see it again want to see you awake i set my hands on his waist i can't remember deciding to do that but I also can't move away i pull myself against his chest wrapping my arms around him my fingers skim the muscles of his back after a moment he touches the small of my back pressing me closer and smooths his other hand over my hair i feel small again but this time it doesn't scare me i squeeze my eyes shut he doesn't scare me anymore should I be crying i ask my voice muffled by his shirt is there something wrong with me the simulations drove a crack through Al so wide he couldn't mend it why not me why am I not like him and why does that thought make me feel so uneasy like I'm teetering on a ledge myself "you think I know anything about tears?" he says quietly i close my eyes "i don't expect for to reassure me and he makes no effort but I feel better standing here than I did out there among the people who are my friends my faction." I press my forehead to his shoulder "if I had forgiven him," I say "do you think he'd be alive now?" "I don't know," he replies he presses his hand to my cheek and I turn to face into it keeping my eyes closed i feel like it's my fault it isn't your fault he says touching his forehead to mine but I should have i should have forgiven him maybe but there's more we all could have done he says but we just have to let the guilt remind us to do better next time i frown and pull back that's a lesson that members of Abnigation learn guilt is a tool rather than a weapon against the self it's a line straight from one of my father's lectures at our weekly meetings what faction did you come from for "It doesn't matter," he replies his eyes lowered "this is where I am now something you would do well to remember for yourself." He gives me a conflicted look and touches his lips to my forehead right between my eyebrows i close my eyes i don't understand this whatever it is but I don't want to ruin it so I say nothing he doesn't move he just stays there with his mouth pressed to my skin and I stay there with my hands to his waist for a long time chapter 25 i stand with Will and Christine at the railing overlooking the chasm late at night after most of the Dauntless have gone to sleep both my shoulders sting from the tattoo needle we all got new tattoos a half hour ago tori was the only one in the tattoo place so I felt safe getting the symbol of abnigation a pair of hands palms up as if to help someone stand bounded by a circle on my right shoulder i know it was a risk especially after all that's happened but that symbol is a part of my identity and it felt important to me that I wear it on my skin i step up on one of the barriers crossarss pressing my hips to the railing to keep my balance this is where Al stood i look down into the chasm at the black water at the jagged rocks water hits the wall and sprays up misting my face was he afraid when he stood here or was he so determined to jump that it was easy christina hands me a stack of paper i got a copy of every report the Ariodite have released in the last 6 months throwing them into the chasm won't get rid of them forever but it might make me feel better i stare at the first one on it it's a picture of Janine the ariodite representative her sharp but attractive eyes stare back at me "have you ever met her?" I ask Will christina crumples the first report into a ball and hurls it into the water janine once he replies he takes the next report and tears it to shreds the pieces float into the river he does it without Christina's malice i get the feeling that the only reason he's participating is to prove to me that he doesn't agree with his former faction's tactics whether he believes what they're saying or not is unclear and I'm afraid to ask before she was a leader she worked with my sister they were trying to develop a longerlasting serum for the simulations he says janine's so smart you can see it even before she says anything like a walking talking computer what i fling one of the pages over the railing pressing my lips together i should just ask what do you think of what she has to say he shrugs i don't know maybe it's a good idea to have more than one faction and control the government and maybe it would be nice if we had more cars and fresh fruit and you do realize there's no secret warehouse where all that stuff is kept right i ask my face getting hot yes I do he says i just think that comfort and prosperity are not a priority for Abnigation and maybe they'd be if the other factions were involved in our decision-making because giving an ariodite boy a car is more important than giving food to the factionless i snap hey now says Christina brushing Will's shoulder with her fingers this is supposed to be a light-hearted session of symbolic document destruction not a political debate i bite back what I was about to say and stare at the stack of paper in my hands will and Christina share a lot of idol touches lately i've noticed it have they all that stuff she said about your dad though he says it makes me kind of hate her i can't imagine what good can come of saying such terrible things i can if Janine can make people believe that my father and all the other Abnigation leaders are corrupt and awful she has support for whatever revolution she wants to start if that's really her plan but I don't want to argue again so I just nod and throw the remaining sheets into the chasm they drift back and forth back and forth until they find a water they'll be filtered out at the chasm wall and discarded it's bedtime Christina says smiling ready to go back i think I want to put Peter's hand in a bowl of warm water to make him pee tonight i turn away from the chasm and see movement on the right side of the pit a figure climbs toward the glass ceiling and judging by how smoothly he walks like his feet barely leave the ground I know it's four that sounds great but I have to talk to for about something I say pointing to where the shadow is sending the path her eyes follow my hand are you sure you should be running around here alone at night she asks i won't be alone i'll be with four i bite my lip christina is looking at Will and he's looking back at her neither of them is really listening to me all right Christina says distantly well I'll see you later then christina and Will walk toward their dormitories christina tossing Will's hair and Will jabbing her in the ribs for a second I watch them i feel like I'm witnessing the beginning of something but I'm not sure what it'll be i jog to the path on the right side of the pit and start to climb i try to make my footsteps as quiet as possible unlike Christina I don't find it difficult to lie i don't intend to talk to for at least not until I find out where he's going late at night in the glass building above us i run quietly breathless when I reach the stairs and stand at one end of the glass room while for stands at the other through the windows I see the city lights glowing now but petering out even as I look at them they're supposed to turn off at midnight across the room four stands at the door to the fear landscape he holds a black box in one hand and a syringe in the other since you're here he says without looking over his shoulder you might as well go in with me i bite my lip into your fear landscape yes as I walk toward him I ask i can do that the serum connects you to the program he says but the program determines whose landscape you go through and right now it's set to put us through mine "you let me see that why else do you think I'm going in?" he asked quietly he doesn't lift his eyes there's some things I want to show you he holds up the syringe and I tilt my head to better expose my neck i feel sharp pain when the needles goes in but I'm used to it now when he's done he offers me the black box in it is another syringe i've never done this before I say as I take it out of the box i don't want to hurt him right here he says touching a spot on his neck with his fingernail i stand on my tiptoes and push the needle in my hand shaking a little he doesn't even flinch he keeps his eyes on me the whole time and when I'm done put both syringes in the box and sets it by the door he knew that I would follow him up here knew or hoped either way is fine with me he offers me his hand and I slide mine into it his fingers are cold and brittle i feel like there's something I should say but I'm too stunned and can't come up with any words he opens the door with his free hand and I follow him into the dark i'm now used to entering unknown places without hesitation i keep my breast even and hold firmly to For's hand see if you can figure out why they call me for he says the door clicks shut behind us taking all the light with it the air is cold in the hallway i feel each particle center in my lungs i inch closer to him so my arm is against his and my chin is near his shoulder what's your real name i ask see if you can figure that out too the simulation takes us the ground I stand on is no longer made of cement it caks like metal light pours in from all angles and the city unfolds around us glass buildings in the ark of train tracks and we're high above it i haven't seen a blue sky in a long time so when it spreads out above me I feel the breath catch in my lungs and the effect is dizzying when the wind starts it blows so hard I have to lean against four to stay on my feet he removes his hand from mine and wraps his armor around my shoulders instead at first I think it's to protect me but no he's having trouble breathing and he needs me to steady him he forces breath in and out through the open mouth and his teeth are clenched the height is beautiful to me but if it's here it's one of his worst nightmares we have to jump off right i shout over the wind he nods on three okay another nod one two three i pull him with me as I burst into a run after we take the first step the rest is easy we both sprint off the edge of the building we fall like two stones fast the air pushing back at us the ground growing beneath us then the scene disappears and I'm on my hands and knees on the floor grinning i love that rush the day I chose Dauntless and I love it now next to me four gasps and presses a hand to his chest i get up and help him to his feet what's next it's something solid hits my spine i slam into four my head hitting his collarbone walls appear on my left and my right the space is so narrow that for has to pull his arms into his chest to fit a ceiling slams onto the walls around us with a crack and four hunches over groaning the room is just big enough to accommodate his size and no bigger confinement I say he makes a guttural noise i tilt my head and pull back enough to look at him i can barely see his face it's so dark and the air is close we share breaths he grimaces like he's in pain hey I say it's okay here i guide his arms around my body so he has more space he clutches at my back and puts his face next to mine still hunched over his body's warm but I feel only his bones and the muscle that wraps around them nothing yields beneath me my cheeks get hot can he tell that I'm still built like a child this is the first time I'm happy I'm so small i laugh if I joke maybe I can calm him down and distract myself mhm he says his voice sounds strained we can't break out of here I say it's easier to face the fear head on right i don't wait for a response so what you need to do is make the space smaller make it worse so it gets better right yes it's a tight tense little word okay we'll have to crouch then ready i squeeze his waist to pull him down with me i feel the hard line of his rib against my hand and hear the screech of one wood plank against another as the ceiling inches down with us i realize that we won't fit with all the space between us so I curl and turn into a ball my spine against his chest one of his knees is bent next to my head and the other is curled beneath me so I'm sitting on his ankle we're just a jumble of limbs i feel a harsh breath against my ear he says his voice raspy this is worse this is definitely shh I say arms around me obediently he slips both arms around my waist i smile at the wall i'm not enjoying this i'm not not even a little bit no the simulation measures your fear response I say softly i'm just repeating what he told us but reminding him might help him so if you can calm your heartbeat down it'll move on to the next one remember so try to forget that we're here yeah i feel his lips move against my ear as he speaks and heat courses through me that easy huh you know most boys would enjoy being trapped in close quarters with a girl i roll my eyes not claustrophobic people Tris he sounds desperate now okay okay i set my hand on top of his and got it to my chest so it's right over my heart feel my heartbeat can you feel it yes feel how steady it is it's fast yes well that has nothing to do with the box i wse as soon as I'm done speaking i just admitted to something hopefully he doesn't realize that every time you feel me breathe you breathe focus on that okay i breathe deeply and his chest rises and falls with mine after a few seconds of this I say calmly "Why don't you tell me where this fear comes from maybe talking about it will help us somehow." I don't know how but it sounds right um okay he breathes with me again this one is from my fantastic childhood childhood punishments the tiny closet upstairs i pressed my lips together i remember being punished sent to my room without dinner deprived of this or that firm scoldings i was never shut in the closet the cruelty smarts my chest aches for him i don't know what to say so I try to keep it casual my mother keeps our winter coats in our closet i don't He gasps i don't really talk want to talk about it anymore okay then I can talk ask me something okay he laughs shakily in my ear why is your heart racing Tris i cringe and say "Well I I search for an excuse that doesn't involve his arms being around me i barely know you not good enough i barely know you and I'm crammed up against you in a box what do you think if we were in your fear landscape he says would I be in it i'm not afraid of you of course you're not that's not what I meant he laughs again and when he does the walls break apart with a crack and fall away leaving us in a circle of light four sides and lifts his arm for my body i scramble to my feet and brush myself off though I haven't accumulated any dirt that I'm aware of i wipe my palms on my jeans my back feels cold from the sudden absence of him he stands in front of me he's grinning and I'm not sure I like the look in his eyes maybe you were cut out for cander he says because you're a terrible liar i think my aptitude test ruled that one out pretty well he shakes his head the aptitude test tells you nothing i narrow my eyes what are you trying to tell me your test isn't the reason you ended up in Dauntless excitement runs through me like the blood in my veins propelled by the hope that he might confirm that he is divergent that he's like me that we can figure out what it means together not exactly no he says i He looks over his shoulder and his voice trails off a woman stands a few yards away pointing a gun at us she's completely still her features plain if we walked away right now I would not remember her to my right a table appears on it is a gun and a single bullet why isn't she shooting us oh I think the fear is unrelated to the threat to his life it has to do with the gun on the table you have to kill her I say softly every single time she isn't real but she looks real he bites his lip it feels real if she were real she would have killed you already it's okay he nods i'll just do it this one's not not so bad not as much panic involved not as much panic but far more dread i can see it in his eyes as he picks up the gun and opens the chamber like he's done it a thousand times and maybe he has he clicks the bullet into the chamber and holds the gun out in front of him both hands around it he squeezes one eye shut and breathes slowly in as he exhales he fires and the woman's head whips back i see a flash of red and look away i hear her crumple to the floor for's gun drops with a lump we stare at her fallen body what he said is true it does feel real don't be ridiculous i grab his arm come on I say let's go keep moving after another tug he comes out of his days and follows me as we pass the table the woman's body disappears except in my memory and his what would it be like to kill somebody every time I went through my landscape maybe I'll find out but something puzzles me these are supposed to be four's worst fears and though he panicked in the box on the roof he killed the woman without much difficulty it seems like the simulation is grasping at any fears it can find within him and he hasn't found much here we go he whispers a dark figure moves ahead of us creeping along the edge of the circle of light waiting for us to take another step who is it who frequents for his nightmares the man who emerges is tall and slim with haircut close to his scalp he holds his hands behind his back and he wears the great clothes of the abnigation marcus I whisper here's the part Force says his voice shaking or you figure out my name is he i look from Marcus who walks slowly toward us to For who winches slowly back and everything comes together marcus had a son who joined Dauntless his name was Tobias marcus shows us his hands a belt curled around one of his fists slowly he unwinds it from his fingers this is for your own good he says and his voice echoes a dozen times a dozen Marcuses press into the circle of light all holding the same belt with the same blank expression when the Marcuses blink again their eyes turn into empty black pits the belts slither along the floor which is now white tile a shiver curls up my spine the aridite accused Marcus of cruelty for once the aridite were right i look at four at Tobias and he seems frozen his posture sags he looks years older he looks years younger the first Marcus yanks his arm back the belt sailing over his shoulders as he prepares to strike tobias shrinks back throwing up his arms to protect his face i dart in front of him and the belt cracks against my wrist wrapping around it a hot pain races up my arm to my elbow i grip my teeth and pull as hard as I can marcus loses his grip so I unwrap the belt and grab it by the buckle i swing my arm as fast as I can my shoulder socket burning from the sudden motion and the belt strikes Marcus's shoulder he yells and lunges at me with outstretched hands with fingernails that look like claws tobias pushes me behind him so he stands between me and Marcus he looks angry not afraid all the Marcuses vanish the lights come on revealing a long narrow room with busted brick walls and a cement floor that's it I say those were your worst fears why do you only have four my voice trails off only four fears oh i look over my shoulder at him that's why they call you the words leave me when I see his expression his eyes are wide and seem almost vulnerable under the room's lights his lips are parted if we were not here I'd describe the look as awe but I don't understand why he'd be looking at me in awe he wraps his hand around my elbow his thumb pressing into the soft skin above my forearm and tugs me toward him the skin around my wrist still stings like the belt was real but it's as pale as the rest of me his lips slowly move against my cheek then his arms tighten around my shoulders and he buries his face in my neck breathing against my collarbone i stand stiffly for a second and then loop my arms around him in sigh hey I say softly we got through it he lifts his head and slips his fingers through my hair tucking it behind my ear we stare at each other in silence his fingers move absently over a lock of my hair you got me through it he says finally well my throat is dry i try to ignore the nervous electricity that pulses through me every second he touches me it's easy to be brave when they're not my fears i let my hands drop and casually wipe them on my jeans hoping he doesn't notice if he does he doesn't say so he laces his fingers with mine "come on," he says "i have something else to show you." Chapter 26 hand in hand we walk toward the pit i monitor the pressure in my hand carefully one minute I feel like I'm not gripping hard enough and the next I'm squeezing too hard i never used to understand why people bother to hold hands as they walked but then he runs one of his fingertips down my palm and I shiver and understand it completely so I latch on to the last logical thought I remember four fears four fears then four fears now he says nodding they haven't changed so I keep going in there but I still haven't made any progress you can't be fearless remember i say "Because you still care about things about your life." I know we walk along the edge of the pit on a narrow path that leads to the rocks at the bottom of the chasm i've never noticed it before it blended in with the rock wall but Tobias seems to know it well i don't want to ruin the moment but I have to know about his aptitude test i have to know if he's divergent you were going to tell me about your aptitude test results I say ah he scratches the back of his neck with his free hand does it matter yes I want to know how demanding you are he smiles we reach the end of the path and stand at the bottom of the chasm where the rocks form unsteady ground rising up at harsh angles from the rushing water he leads me up and down across small gaps and over angular ridges my shoes cling to the rough rock the soles of my shoes mark each rock with a wet footprint he finds a relatively flat rock near the side where the current isn't strong and sits down his feet dangling over the edge i sit beside him he seems comfortable here inches above the hazardous water he releases my hand i look at the jagged edge of the rock these are things I don't tell people you know not even my friends he says i lace my fingers together and clench this is the perfect place for him to tell me that he's divergent if indeed that's what he is the roar of the chasm ensures that we won't be overheard i don't know why the thought makes me so nervous my result was as expected he says abnigation oh something inside me deflates i'm wrong about him but I'd assume that if he was not divergent he must have gotten a Dauntless result and technically I also got an abnigation result according to the system did the same thing happen to him and if that's true why isn't he telling me the truth but you chose Dauntless anyway I say out of necessity why'd you have to leave his eyes dart away from mine across the space in front of him as if searching the air for an answer he doesn't need to give one i still feel the ghost of a stinging belt on my wrist you had to get away from your dad I say is that why you don't want to be a dauntless leader because if you were you might have to see him again he lifts his shoulder that I've always felt that I don't quite belong among the Dauntless not the way they are now anyway but you're incredible I say i pause and clear my throat i mean by Dauntless standards four fears is unheard of how could you not belong here he shrugs he doesn't seem to care about his talent or his status among the Dauntless and that's what I would expect from the obnigation i'm not sure what to make of it he says "I have a theory that selflessness and bravery aren't all that different all your life you've been training to forget yourself so when you're in danger it becomes your first instinct i could belong in abnigation just as easily." Suddenly I feel heavy a lifetime of training wasn't enough for me my first instinct is still self-preservation "yeah well," I say i left abnigation because I wasn't selfless enough no matter how hard I tried to be that's not entirely true he smiles at me that girl who let someone throw knives at her to spare a friend who hit my dad with a belt to protect me that selfless girl that's not you he's figured out more about me than I have and even though it seems impossible that he could feel something for me given all that I'm not maybe it isn't i frown at him you've been paying close attention haven't you i like to observe people maybe you were cut out for cander for because you're a terrible liar he puts his hand on the rock next to him his fingers lining up with mine i look down at our hands he has long narrow fingers hands made for fine deaf movements not dauntless hands which should be thick and tough and ready to break things fine he leans his face closer to mine his eyes focusing on my chin and my lips and my nose i watched you because I liked you he says it plainly boldly and his eyes flick up to mine and don't call me for okay it's nice to hear my name again just like that he's finally declared himself and I don't know how to respond my cheeks warm and all I can think to say is "But you're older than I am Tobias." He smiles at me yeah that whopping two-year gap really is insurmountable isn't it i'm not trying to be self-deprecating I say i just don't get it i I'm younger i'm I'm not pretty i He laughs a deep laugh that sounds like it came from deep inside him and touches his lips to my temple don't pretend I say breathily you know I'm not i'm not ugly but I'm certainly not pretty fine you're not pretty so he kisses my cheek i like how you look you're deadly smart you're brave and even though you found out about Marcus his voice softens you aren't giving me that look like I'm a kicked puppy or something well you're not for a second his dark eyes are on mine and he's quiet then he touches my face and leans in close brushing my lips with his the river roars and I feel it spray on my ankles he greens and presses his mouth to mine i tense up at first unsure of myself so when he pulls away I'm sure I did something wrong or badly but he takes my face in his hands his fingers strong against my skin and kisses me again firmer this time more certain i wrap an arm around him sliding my hand up his neck and into his short hair for a few minutes we kiss deep in the chasm with the roar of the water all around us and when we rise hand in hand I realize that if we had both chosen differently we might have ended up doing the same thing in a safer place in gray clothes instead of black ones chapter 27 the next morning I'm silly and light every time I push the smile from my face it fights its way back eventually I stop suppressing it i let my hair hang loose and abandon my uniform of loose shirts in favor of the one that cuts across my shoulders revealing my tattoos "what's with you today?" says Christina on the way to breakfast her eyes are still swollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face "oh you know," I say "son shining birds chirping." She raises an eyebrow at me as if reminding me that we're in an underground tunnel "let the girl be in a good mood," Will says "you may never see it again." I smack his arm and hurry toward the dining hall my heart pounds because I know that at some point in the next half hour I'll see Tobias i'll sit down in my usual place next to Uriah with Will and Christina across from us the seat on my left stays empty i wonder if Tobias will sit in it if he'll grin at me over breakfast if he'll look at me in that secret stolen way that I imagine myself looking at him i grab a piece of toast from the plate in the middle of the table and start to butter it with a little too much enthusiasm i feel myself acting like a lunatic but I can't stop it would be like refusing to breathe then he walks in his hair is shorter and it looks darker this way almost black it's abnigation short I realize i smile at him and lift my hand to wave him over but he sits down next to Zeke without even glancing in my direction so I let my hand drop i stare at my toast it's easy not to smile now something wrong asiah threw a mouthful of toast i shake my head and take a bite what did I expect just because we kiss doesn't mean anything changes maybe he changed his mind about liking me maybe he thinks kissing was a mistake today's fear landscape day says Will you think we'll get to see our own fear landscapes no uriah shakes his head you go through one of the instructor's landscapes my brother told me oh which instructor says Christina suddenly perking up you know it really isn't fair that you get all insider information and we don't Will says glaring at Uriah like you wouldn't use an advantage if you had one resorts Uriah christine ignores them i hope it's For's landscape why i ask the question comes out a little too incredulous looks like someone had a mood swing she rolls her eyes like you don't want to know what his fears are he acts so tough that he's probably afraid of marshmallows and really bright sunrises or something overcompensating i shake my head it won't be him how would you know that's just a prediction i remember Tobias's father in his fear landscape he wouldn't let everyone see that i glance at him for a second his eyes shift to mine his stare is unfeilling then he looks away lauren the instructor of the Dauntlessborn initiate stands with her hands on her hips outside the fear landscape room two years ago she says "I was afraid of spiders suffocation walls that inch slowly inward and trappy between them getting thrown out of dauntless uncontrollable bleeding getting run over by a train my father's death public humiliation and kidnapping by men without faces." Everyone stares blankly at her "most of you will have anywhere from 10 to 15 different fears in your landscapes that is the average number." she says what's the lowest number someone's gotten asks Lynn in recent years says Lauren four i've not looked at Tobias since we were in the cafeteria but I can't help but look at him now his eyes keep trained on the floor i've not looked at Tobias since we were in the cafeteria but I can't help but look at him now he keeps his eyes trained on the floor i knew that four was a low number low enough to merit a nickname but I didn't know it was less than half the average i glare at my feet he's exceptional and now he won't even look at me you'll not find out your number today says Lauren the simulation is set to my fear landscape program so you'll experience my fears instead of your own i give Christine a pointed look i was right we won't go through four's landscape for the purposes of this exercise though each of you will only face one of my fears to get a sense for how the simulation works lauren points to us at random and assigns us each a fear i was standing in the back so I get to close Lask the fear that she assigned me was kidnapping because I'm not hooked up to the computer as I wait I can't watch the simulation only the person's reaction to it it's the perfect way to distract myself from my preoccupation with Tobias clenching my hands in a fist as Will brushes off spiders I can't see and Uriah presses his hands against walls that are invisible to me and smirking as Peter turns bright red during whatever he experiences in public humiliation then it's my turn the obstacle won't be comfortable for me but because I've been able to manipulate every simulation not just this one and because I've already gone through Tobias's landscape i'm not apprehensive as Lauren inserts the needle into my neck then the scenery changes and the kidnapping begins the ground turns to grass in my feet and hands clamp on my arms over my mouth it's too dark to see i stand next to the chasm i hear the roar of the water i scream into the hand that covers my mouth and thrash to free myself but the arms are too strong my kidnappers are too strong the image of myself falling into darkness flashes into my mind the same image that I now carry with me in my nightmares i scream again i scream until my throat hurts and I squeeze hot tears from my eyes i knew they'd come back for me i knew they'd try again the first time was not enough i scream again not for help because no one will help me but because that's what you do when you're able to die and you can't stop it stop a stern voice says the hands disappear and the lights come on i stand on cement in the fear landscape room my body shakes and I dropped to my knees pressing my hands to my face i just failed i lost all logic i lost all sense lauren's fear transformed into one of my own and everyone saw me tobias saw me i hear footsteps tobias marches toward me and wrenches me to my feet what the hell was that Stiff i My breath comes up in a hiccup i didn't get yourself together this is pathetic something within me snaps my tears stop heat races through my body driving the weakness out of me and I smack him so hard my knuckles burn with the impact he stares at me one side of his face bright with blush blood and I stare back shut up I say i yank my arm from his grasp and walk out of the room chapter 28 i pull my jacket tight around my shoulders i haven't been outside in a long time the sun shines pale against my face and I watch my breasts form in the air at least I accomplished one thing i convinced Peter and his friends that I'm no longer a threat i just have to make sure that tomorrow when I go through my own fear landscape I prove them wrong yesterday failure seemed impossible today I'm not sure i slide my hands through my hair the impulse to cry is gone i braid my hair and tie it with a rubber band around my wrist i feel more like myself that's all I need to remember who I am and I'm someone who does not let inconsequential things like boys and near-death experiences stop her i laugh shaking my head am I i hear the train horn the train tracks loop around the Dauntless compound and then continue farther than I can see where do they begin where do they end what is the world like beyond them i walk toward them i want to go home but I can't eric warned us not to appear too attached to our parents on visiting day so visiting home would be betraying the Dauntless and I can't afford to do that eric did not tell us we couldn't visit people in factions other than the ones we came from though and my mother did tell me to visit Caleb i know I'm not allowed to leave without supervision but I can't stop myself i walk faster and faster until I'm sprinting pumping my arms I run alongside the last car until I can grab the handle and swing myself in wincing as pain darts through my sore body once in the car I lie back next to the door and watch the dauntless compound disappear behind me i don't want to go back but choosing to quit to be factionless would be the bravest thing I've ever done and today I feel like a coward the air rushes over my body and twists around my fingers i let my hand trail over the edge of the car so it presses against the wind i can't go home but I can find part of it caleb has a place in every memory of my childhood he's part of my foundation the train slows as it reaches the heart of the city and I set up to watch the smaller buildings grow into larger buildings the aridite live in a large stone building that overlook the marsh i hold the handle and lean out just enough to see where the tracks go they dip down to street level just before they bend to travel east i breathe in the smell of wet pavement and marsh air the train dips and slows and I jump my legs shudder with the force of my landing and I run a few steps to regain my balance i walk down the middle of the street heading south toward the marsh the empty land stretches as far as I can see a brown plane colliding with the horizon i turn left the aridite buildings loom above me dark and unfamiliar how will I find Caleb here the aridite keep records it's in their nature they must keep records of their initiates someone has access to those records i just have to find them i scan the buildings logically speaking the central building should be the most important one i may as well start there the faction members are milling around everywhere ariodite faction norms dictate that a faction member must wear at least one blue article of clothing at a time because blue causes the body to release calming chemicals and a calm mind is a clear mind the color has also come to signify their faction it seems impossibly bright to me now i've grown used to dim lighting and dark clothing i expect to weave through the crowd dodging elbows and muttering "Excuse me," the way I always do but there's no need becoming dauntless has made me noticeable the crowd parts for me and their eyes cling to me as I pass i pull the rubber band from my hair and shake it from its knot before I walk through the front doors i stand just inside the entrance and tilt my head back the room is huge silent it smells like dust covered pages the wood panled floor caks beneath my feet bookcases line the walls on either side of me but they seem to be decorative more than anything because computers occupied the tables in the center of the room and no one's reading they stare at screens with tense eyes focused i should have known that the main area building would be a library a portrait on the opposite wall catches my attention it's twice my height and four times my width and depicts an attractive woman with watery gray eyes and spectacles janine he licks my throat at the sight of her because she's Aries's representative she's the one who released that report about my father i've disliked her since my father's dinner table rants began but now I hate her beneath her is a large plaque that reads "Knowledge leads to prosperity." Prosperity to me the world has a negative connotation abnigation uses it to describe self-indulgence how could Caleb have chosen to be one of these people the things they do the things they want it's all wrong but he probably thinks the same of the Dauntless i walk up to the desk just behind's portrait the young man sitting behind it doesn't look up as he says how can I help you i'm looking for someone I say his name's Caleb do you know where I can find him i'm not permitted to give out personal information he replies blandly as he jabs at the screen in front of him he's my brother i'm not permit i slam my palm on the desk in front of him and he jerks out of his days staring at me over his spectacles heads turn in my direction i said my voice is turus i'm looking for someone he's an initiate can you at least tell me where I can find them beatatric a voice behind me says i turn and Caleb stands behind me a book in hand his hair is grown out so it flips at his ears and he wears a blue t-shirt and a pair of rectangular glasses even though he looks different and I'm not allowed to love him anymore i run at him as fast as I can and throw my arms around his shoulders you have a tattoo he says his voice muffled you have glasses I say i pull back and narrow my eyes your vision is perfect Caleb what are you doing um he glances at the tables around us come on let's get out of here we exit the building and cross the street i have to jog to keep up with him across from Ariad Head Corps is what used to be a park now we just call it Millennium it's a stretch of bare land several rusted metal sculptures one an abstract plated mammoth and another shaped like a lima bean that doors me in size we stop on the concrete around the metal beam where the aerodite sit in small groups with newspapers or books he takes off his glasses and shoves them in his pocket then runs a hand through his hair his eyes skipping over mine nervously like he's ashamed of me maybe I should be too i'm tattooed loose-haired and wearing tight clothes but I'm just not what are you doing here he says i wanted to go home I say and you were the closest thing I could think of he presses his lips together don't look so pleased to see me I add hey he says setting his hands on my shoulders i'm thrilled to see you okay it's just this isn't allowed there are rules i don't care I say i don't care okay maybe you should his voice is gentle he wears his look of disapproval if it were me I wouldn't want to get in trouble with your faction what's that supposed to mean i know exactly what it means he sees my faction as the coolest of the five and nothing more i just don't want you to get hurt you don't have to be so angry with me he says tilting his head what happened to you there nothing nothing happened to me i closed my eyes and rub the back of my neck with one hand even if I could explain everything to him I wouldn't want to i can't even summon the will to think about it you think he looks at his shoes you think you made the right choice i don't think there was one I say how about you he looks around people stare at us as they walk past his eyes skip over their faces he's still nervous but maybe it's not because of how he looks or because of me maybe it's them i grab his arm and pull him under the arch of the metal bean we walk beneath its hollow underbelly i see my reflection everywhere warped by the curve of the walls broken by patches of rust and grime "what's going on?" I say folding my arms i didn't notice the dark circles under his eyes before "what's wrong?" Caleb presses a palm to the metal wall in his reflection his head is small and pressed in on one side and his arm looks like it's bending backward my reflection however looks small and squat "something big is happening Beatatrice something's wrong." His eyes are wide and glassy i don't know what it is but people keep rushing around talking quietly and Janine gives speeches about how corrupt abnigation is all the time almost every day do you believe her no maybe i I don't he shakes his head i don't know what to believe yes you do I say sternly you know who our parents are you know who our friends are susan's dad you think he's corrupt how much do I know how much did they allow me to know we weren't allowed to ask questions Beatrice we weren't allowed to know things and here he looks up and in the flat circle of the mirror right above us I see our tiny fingers the size of fingernails that I think is our true reflection it's as small as we actually are he continues "Here information is free it's always available this isn't cander there are liars here Caleb there are people who are so smart they know how to manipulate you don't you think I would know if I was being manipulated if they're as smart as you think then no i don't think you would know you have no idea what you're talking about he says shaking his head yeah how could I possibly know what a corrupt faction looks like i'm just training to be dauntless for God's sake I say at least I know what I'm a part of Caleb you are choosing to ignore what we've known all our lives these people are arrogant and greedy and they'll lead you nowhere his voice hardens i think you should go Beatatrice with pleasure I say oh and not that it'll matter to you but mom told me to tell you to research the simulation serum you saw her he looks hurt why didn't she because I say the ariodite don't let the abnigation into their compound anymore wasn't that information available to you i push past him walking away from the mirror cave in the sculpture and start down the sidewalk i should never have left the Dauntless compound sounds like home now at least there I know exactly where I stand which is on unstable ground the crowd on the sidewalk thins and I look up to see why standing a few yards in front of me are two arerodite men with their arms folded "excuse me," one of them says "you'll have to come with us." One man walks so close behind me that I feel his breath against the back of my head the other man leads me into the library and down three hallways to an elevator beyond the library the floors change from wood to white tile and the walls glow like the ceiling of the aptitude test room the glow bounces off the silver elevator doors and I squint so I can see i try to stay calm i ask myself questions from Dauntless training what do you do if someone attacks you from behind i envision thrusting my elbow back into a stomach or a groin i imagine running i wish I had a gun these are dauntless thoughts and they've become mine what do you do if you're attacked by two people at once i follow the man down an empty glowing corridor and into an office the walls are made of glass i guess I know which faction designed my school a woman sits behind a metal desk i stare at her face the same face dominates the arudite library it's plastered across every article Arudite releases how long have I hated that face i don't remember sit Janine says her voice sounds familiar especially when she's irritated her liquid gray eyes focus on mine i'd rather not sit she says again i've definitely heard her voice before i heard it in the hallway talking to Eric before I got attacked i heard her mention divergence and once before I I heard it it was your voice in the simulation i say the aptitude test i mean she's the danger Tori and my mother warned me about the danger of being divergent sitting right in front of me correct the aptitude test is by far my greatest achievement as a scientist she replies i looked up your test results Beatrice apparently there was a problem with your test it was never recorded and your results had to be reported manually did you know that no did you know that you're one of two people ever to get an abnigation result and switch to Dauntless no I say biting back my shock tobias and I are the only ones but his result was genuine and mine was a lie so it really is just him my stomach twinges at the thought of him right now I don't care how unique he is he called me pathetic what made you choose Dauntless she asks what does this have to do with anything i try to soften my voice but it doesn't work aren't you going to reprimand me for abandoning my faction and seeking out my brother faction before blood right i pause come to think of it why am I in your office in the first place aren't you supposed to be important or something maybe that'll take her down a few pegs her mouth pinches for a second i will leave the reprimands to the Dauntless she says leaning back in her chair i set my hands on the back of the chair I refuse to sit in and clutch my fingers behind her is a window that overlooks the city the train takes a lazy turn in the distance as to the reason for your presence here a quality of my faction is curiosity she says and while perusing your records I saw that there was another error with another one of your simulations again it failed to be recorded did you know that how did you access my records only the Dauntless have access to those because Ariodite developed the simulations we have an understanding with the Dauntless beatatrice she tilts her head and smells at me i'm merely concerned for the competence of our technology if it fails while you're around I have to ensure that it does not continue to do so you understand i understand only one thing she's lying to me she doesn't care about the technology she suspects that something is arai with my test results just like the dauntless leader she's sniffing around for the divergent and if my mother wants Caleb to research the simulation serum it's probably because Janine developed it but what is so threatening about my ability to manipulate the simulations why would it matter to the representative of the aerodite of all people i can't answer either question but the look she gives me reminds me of the look in the attack dog's eyes in the aptitude test a vicious predatory stare she wants to rip me to pieces i can't lie down in submission now i become an attack dog too i feel my pulse in my throat i don't know how they work I say but the liquid I was injected with made me sick to my stomach maybe my simulation administrator was distracted because he was worried I would throw up and he forgot to record it i got sick after the aptitude test too do you habitually have a sensitive stomach Beatrice her voice is like a razor's edge she taps her trimmed fingernails against the glass desk ever since I was young I reply as smoothly as I can i release the chair back and sidestep it to sit down i can't seem tense even though I feel like my insides are rotting within me you've been extremely successful with the simulations she says to what do you attribute the ease with which you've completed them i'm brave I say staring into her eyes the other faction see the Dauntless in a certain way brash aggressive impulsive cocky i should be what she expects i smirk at her i'm the best initiate they've got i lean forward balancing my elbows on my knees i'll have to go further with this to make it convincing "you want to know why I chose Dauntless?" I ask "it's because I was bored." "Further further lies require commitment." "I was tired of being a wussy little dooodter and I wanted out." "So you don't miss your parents?" she asked delicately "do I miss getting scolded for looking in the mirror do I miss being told to shut up at the dinner table?" I shake my head no I don't miss them they're not my family anymore the lie burns my throat on the way out or maybe that's the tears I'm fighting i picture my mother standing behind me with a comb and a pair of scissors faintly smiling as she trims my hair and I want to scream rather than insult her like this can I take that to mean janine purses her lips and pauses for a few seconds before finishing that you agree with the reports that have been released about the political leaders of this city the reports that label my family as corrupt power- hungry moralizing dictators the reports that carry subtle threats and hint at revolution they make me sick to my stomach knowing that she's the one who released that makes me want to strangle her i smile wholeheartedly i say one of Janine's lackey a man in a blue collared shirt and sunglasses drives me back to the Dauntless compound in a sleek silver car the likes of which I've never seen before the engine is almost silent when I ask the man about it he tells me it's solar powered and launches into a lengthy explanation of how the panels on the roof convert sunlight into energy i stop listening after 60 seconds and stare out the window i don't know what they'll do to me when I get back i suspect it'll be bad i imagine my feet dangling over the casine bite my lip when the driver pulls up to the glass building above the Dauntless compound Eric is waiting for me by the door he takes my arm and leads me into the building without thanking the driver eric's fingers squeeze so hard I know I'll have bruises he stands between me and the door that leads inside he starts to crack his knuckles other than that he's completely still i shudder involuntarily the faint pop of his knuckle cracking is all I hear apart from my own breaths which grow faster by the second when he's finished Eric laces his fingers together in front of him welcome back Tris eric he walks toward me carefully placing one foot in front of the other what his first word is quiet exactly he adds louder this time were you thinking i He's so close i can see the holes his metal piercings fit into i don't know i'm tempted to call you a traitor Tris he says "Have you never heard the phrase faction before blood?" I've seen Eric do terrible things i've heard him say terrible things but I've never seen him like this he's not a maniac anymore he's perfectly controlled perfectly poised careful and quiet for the first time I recognize Eric for what he is an arodite disguised as a dauntless a genius as well as a satist a hunter of the divergent i want to run were you unsatisfied with the life you found here do you perhaps regret your choice both of Eric's metal ridden eyebrows lift forcing creases into his forehead i would like to hear an explanation for why you betrayed Dauntless yourself and me he taps his chest by venturing into another faction's headquarters i I take a deep breath he would kill me if he knew what it was i can feel it his hands curl into fists i'm alone here if something happens to me no one will know and no one will see it if you cannot explain he says softly I may be forced to reconsider your rank or because you seem to be so attached to your previous faction perhaps I will be forced to reconsider your friend's ranks perhaps the little abnigation girl inside of you would take that more seriously my first thought is that he couldn't do it it wouldn't be fair my second thought is that of course he would he would not hesitate to do it for a second and he's right the thought that my reckless behavior could force someone else out of affection makes my chest ache from fear i try again i But it's hard to breathe and then the door opens tobias walks in "what are you doing?" he asks Eric "leave the room," Eric says his voice louder and not as monotone "he sounds more like the Eric I'm familiar with." His expression too changes becomes more mobile and animated i stare amazed that he can turn it on and off so easily i wonder what the strategy behind it is "no," Tobias says "she's just a foolish girl there's no need to drag her here and interrogate her." "Just a foolish girl," Eric snorts "if she were just a foolish girl she wouldn't be ranked first now would she?" Tobias pinches the bridge of his nose and looks at me through the spaces between his fingers "he's starting to tell me something I think quickly what advice has for given me recently the only thing I can think of is pretense and vulnerability it's worked for me before i I was just embarrassed and I didn't know what to do i put my hands in my pockets and looked at the ground then I pinched my legs so hard that tears well up in my eyes and I look up at Eric sniffing i try to and I shake my head you try to what asks Eric kiss me says Tobias and I rejected her and she went running off like a 5-year-old there's really nothing to blame her for but stupidity we both wait eric looks from me to Tobias and laughs too loudly and for too long the sound is menacing and grates against me like sandpaper isn't he a little too old for you Tris he says smiling again i wipe my cheek like I'm wiping a tear can I go now fine Eric says but you are not allowed to leave the compound without supervision again you hear me he turns toward Tobias and you had better make sure none of the transfers leave this compound again and that none of the others try to kiss you tobias rolls his eyes fine i leave the room and walk outside again shaking my hands to get rid of the jitters i sit down on the pavement and wrap my arms around my knees i don't know how long I sit there my head down and my eyes closed before the door opens again it might have been 20 minutes and it might have been an hour tobias walks toward me i stand and cross my arms waiting for the scolding to start i slapped him and then got myself into trouble with the dauntless there has to be scolding what i say are you all right a crease appears between his eyebrows and he touches my cheek gently i bat his hand away well I say first I got reamed out in front of everyone then I had a chat with a woman who's trying to destroy my old faction and then Eric almost tossed my friends out of Dauntless so yeah it's shaping up to be a pretty great day for He shakes his head and looks at the dilapidated building to his right which is made of brick and barely resembles the sleek glass spire behind me he must be anxient no one builds with brick anymore why do you care anyway i say you can be either cruel instructor or concerned boyfriend i tense up at the word boyfriend i didn't mean to use it so flippantly but it's too late now you you you can't play both parts at the same time i'm not cruel he scowls at me i was protecting you this morning how do you think Peter and his idiot friends would have reacted if they discovered that you and I were He sigh you'd never win they would always call your ranking a result of my favoritism rather than your skill i open my mouth to object but I can't a few smart remarks come to mind but I dismiss them he's right my cheeks warm and I cool them with my hands you didn't have to insult me to prove something to them I say finally and you didn't have to run off to your brother just because I hurt you he says he rubs the back of his neck besides it worked didn't it at my expense i didn't think it would affect you this way then he looks down and shrugs sometimes I forget that I can hurt you that you're capable of being hurt i slide my hands into my pockets and rock back on my heels a strange feeling goes through me a sweet aching weakness he did what he did because he believed in my strength at home it was Caleb who was strong because he could forget himself because all the characteristics my parents valued came naturally to him no one has ever been so convinced of my strength i stand on my tiptoes lift my head and kiss him only her lips touch "you're brilliant you know that." I shake my head "you always know exactly what to do only because I've been thinking about this for a long time," he says kissing me briefly "how I would handle it if you and I." He pulls back and smiles "did I hear you call me your boyfriend Tris?" "Not exactly." I shrug "why do you want me to?" He slips his hand over my neck and presses his thumbs under my chin tilting my head back so his forehead meets mine for a moment he stands there his eyes closed breathing my air i feel the pulse in his fingertips i feel the quickness of his breath he seems nervous "yes," he finally says then his smile fades "you think we convinced him you're just a silly girl?" "I hope so," I say "sometimes it helps to be small i'm not sure if I convinced the Ariodite though the corners of his mouth tug down and he gives me a grave look there's something I need to tell you what is it not now he glances around meet me back here at 11:30 don't tell anyone where you're going i nod and he turns away leaving just as quickly as he came "where have you been all day?" Christina asks when I walk back into the dormatory "the room is empty everyone else must be at dinner i looked for you outside but I couldn't find you is everything okay did you get in trouble for hitting four i shake my head the thought of telling her the truth about where I was makes me feel exhausted how can I explain the impulse to hop on a train and visit my brother or the eerie calm in Eric's voice as he questioned me or the reason that I exploded and hit Tobias to begin with i I just had to get away i walked around for a long time I say and no I'm not in trouble he yelled at me i apologized that's it as I speak I'm careful to keep my eyes steady on hers and my hands still at my sides good she says because I have something to tell you she looks over my head at the door and then stands on her tiptoes to see all the bunks checking if they're empty probably then she sets her hands on my shoulders can you be a girl for a few seconds i'm always a girl i frown you know what I mean like that silly annoying girl i twirl my hair around my finger okay she grins so wide I can see her back row of teeth will kissed me what i demand when how what happened you can be a girl she straightens taking her hands from my shoulders well okay right after your little episode we ate lunch then we walked around near the train tracks we were just talking about I don't even remember what we were talking about and then he just stopped and leaned in and kissed me did you know that he liked you i say "I mean you know like that." No she laughs the best part was that that was it we just kept walking and talking like nothing happened well until I kissed him how long have you known you liked him i I don't know i I guess I didn't but then little things how he put his armor around me at the funeral how he opens doors for me like I'm a girl instead of someone who could beat the crap out of him i laugh suddenly I want to tell her about Tobias and everything that's happened between us but the same reasons Tobias gave me for pretending we aren't together hold me back i don't want her to think that my rank has anything to do with my relationship with him so I just say "I'm happy for you thanks." She says "I'm happy for you." Uh and I thought you should know that it would be a while before I could feel that way you know she sits down on the edge of the bed and looks around the dormatory some of the initiates have already packed their things soon we'll be moving into apartments on the other side of the compound those with government jobs will move to the glass building above the pit i won't have to worry about Peter attack me in my sleep i won't have to look at Al's empty bed i can't believe it's almost over she says "It's like we just got here but it's also like like I haven't seen home in forever you miss it?" I lean into the bed frame yeah she shrugs some things are the same though i mean everyone at home is just as loud as everyone here so that's good but it's easier there you always know where you stand with everyone because they tell you there's no manipulation i nod abnigation prepared me for that aspect of Dauntless life the abnigation aren't manipulative but they aren't forthright either i don't think I could have made it through initiation though she shakes her head there instead of simulations you get lie detector tests all day every day and the final test she wrinkles her nose they give you this stuff they call true serum and sit you in front of everyone and ask you a load of really personal questions the theory is that if you spill all your secrets you'll have no desire to lie about anything ever again like the worst about you is already in the open so why not just be honest i don't know when I accumulated so many secrets being divergent fears how I really feel about my friends my family Al Tobias cander initiation would reach things that even the simulations can't touch it would wreck me sounds awful I say I always knew I couldn't be cander I mean I try to be honest but some things you just don't want people to know plus I like to be in control of my own mind don't we all anyway Okay she says she opens the cabinet to the left of our bunk beds when she pulls the door open a moth flutters out its white wings carrying it toward her face christina shrieks so loud I almost jump out of my skin and slap at her cheeks get it off get it off get it off get off she screams the moth flutters away it's gone i say then I laugh you're afraid of moths they're disgusting those papery wings their stupid bug bodies she shuddters i keep laughing i laugh so hard I have to sit down and hold my stomach it's not funny she snaps oh okay maybe it is a little when I find Tobias late that night he doesn't say anything he just grabs my hand and pulls me toward the train tracks he draws himself into a train car as if it passes with bewildering ease and pulls me in after him i fall against him my cheek against his chest his fingers slide down my arms and he holds me by the elbows as the car bumps along the steel rails i watch the glass buildings above the dauntless compound shrink behind us what is it you need to tell me i shout over the cry of the wind not yet he says he sinks to the floor and pulls me down with him so he's sitting with his back against the wall and I'm facing him my legs trailing to the side on the dusty floor the wind pushes strands of my hair loose and tosses them over my face he presses his palms to my face his index finger sliding behind my ears and pulls my mouth to his i hear the squeeze of the rails as the train slows which means we must be nearing the middle of the city the air is cold but his lips are warm and so are his hands he tilts his head and kisses the skin just beneath my jaw i'm glad the air is so loud he can't hear me sigh the train car wobbles throwing off my balance and I put my hand down to steady myself a split second later I realize that my hand is on his hip the bone presses into my palm i should move it but I don't want to he told me once to be brave and though I've stood still while knives spun toward my face and jumped off a roof I never thought I'd need bravery in the small moments of my life i do i shift swinging a leg over him so I sit on top of him and with my heartbeat in my throat I kiss him he sits up straighter and I feel his hands on my shoulders his fingers slip down my spine and a shiver follows them down to the small of my back he unzips my jacket a few inches and I press my hands to my legs to stop them from shaking i should not be nervous this is Tobias cold air slips across my bare skin he pulls away and looks carefully at the tattoos just above my collarbone his fingers brush over them and he smiles birds he says are they crows i keep forgetting to ask i try to return his smile ravens one for each member of my family I say you like them he doesn't answer he tugs me closer pressing his lips to each bird in turn i close my eyes his touch is light sensitive a heavy warm feeling like spilling honey fills my body slowing my thoughts he touches my cheek i hate to say this he says but we have to get up now i nod and open my eyes we both stand and he tugs me with him to the open door of the train car the wind is not as strong now that the train has slowed it's past midnight so all the street lights are dark and the buildings look like mammoths as they rise from the darkness and then sink into it again tobias lifts a hand and points at a cluster of buildings so far away they're the size of a fingernail they're the only bright spot in the dark sea around us areideite headquarters again apparently the city ordinances don't mean anything to them he says because their lights will be on all night no one else has noticed I say frowning i'm sure they have but they haven't done anything to stop it it may be because they don't want to cause a problem over something so small tobias shrugs but the tension in his features worries me but it made me wonder what the aridite are doing that requires nightlight he turns toward me leaning against the wall two things you should know about me the first is that I'm deeply suspicious of people in general he says it's my nature to expect the worst of them and the second is that I'm unexpectedly good with computers i nod he said his other job was working with computers but I still have trouble picturing him sitting in front of a screen all day a few weeks ago before training started I was at work and found a way into the Dauntless secure files apparently we're not as skilled as the aridite are at security he says and what I discovered was what looked like war plans thinly veiled commands supply lists maps things like that and those files were sent by Ariodite war i brush my hair away from my face listening to my father insult Ariodite all my life has made me wary of them and my experiences in the Dauntless compound makes me wary of authority and human beings in general so I'm not shocked to hear that a faction could be planning a war and what Caleb said earlier something big is happening beatrice i look up at Tobias war on abnigation he takes my hands lacing his fingers with mine and says the faction that controls the government yes my stomach sinks all those reports are supposed to stir up dissension against abnigation he says his eyes focused on the city beyond the train car evidently the area now want to speed up the process i have no idea what to do about it or what could even be done but I say why would Ariodite team up with Dauntless and then something occurs to me something that hits me in the gut and nausea my insides ariad doesn't have weapons and they don't know how to fight but the Dauntless do i stare wideeyed at Tobias they're going to use us I say i wonder he says how they plan to get us to fight i told Caleb that the Ariodite know how to manipulate people they could coers some of us into fighting with misinformation or by appealing to greed any number of ways but the Ariodite are as meticulous as they are manipulative so that wouldn't leave it up to chance they would need to make sure that all their weaknesses are shored up but how the wind blows my hair across my face cutting my vision into strips then I leave it there i don't know I say chapter 29 i've attended Abnigation's initiation ceremony every year except this one it's a quiet affair the initiates who spend 30 days performing community service before they can become full members sit side by side on a bench one of the older members reads the abnigation manifesto which is a short paragraph about forgetting the self and the dangers of self-involvement then all the older members wash the initiate's feet then they all share a meal each person serving food to the person on his left the dauntless don't do that initiation day plunges the Dauntless compound into insanity and chaos there are people everywhere and most of them are inebriated by noon i fight my way through them to get a plate of food at lunch and carry it back to the dormatory with me on the way I see some fall off the path of the pit wall and judging by his screams and the way he grabs at his leg he broke something the dormatory at least is quiet i stare at my plate of food i described what looked good to me at the time and now that I take a closer look I realize that I chose a plain chicken breast a scoop of peas and a piece of brown bread abnigation food i sigh abnigation is what I am it's what I am when I'm not thinking about what I'm doing it's what I am when I'm put to the test it's what I am even when I appear to be brave am I in the wrong faction the thought of my former faction sends a tremor through my hands i have to warn my family about the war that the aridite are planning but I don't know how i'll find a way but not today today I have to focus on what awaits me one thing at a time I eat like a robot rotating from chicken to peas to bread and back again it doesn't matter what faction I really belong in in two hours I will walk to the fear landscape room with the other initiates go through my fear landscape and become dauntless it's too late to turn back when I finish I bury my face in my pillow i don't mean to fall asleep but after a while I do and I wake up to Christina shaking my shoulder "time to go," she says she looks ashen i rub my eyes to press the sleep from them i have my shoes on already the other initiates are in the dormatory tying shoelaces and buttoning jackets and throwing smiles around like they don't mean it i pull my hair into a bun and put on my black jacket zipping it up to my throat the torch will be over soon but can we forget the simulations will we ever sleep soundly again with the memories of our fears in our heads or will we finally forget our fears today like we're supposed to we walk to the pit and up the path that leads to the glass building i look up at the glass ceiling i can't see daylight because of the soles of the shoes which cover every inch of glass above us for a second I think I hear the glass creek but it's my imagination i walk up the stairs with Christina and the crowd chokes me i'm too short to see above anyone's head so I stare at Will's back and walk in his wake the heat of so many bodies around me makes it difficult to breathe beads of sweat gather on my forehead a break in the crowd reveals what they are clustered around a series of screens on the wall to my left i hear a cheer and stop to look at the screens the screen on the left shows a black clothed girl in the fear landscape room marlene i watch her move her eyes wide but I can't tell what obstacle she's facing thank god no one out here will see my fears either just my reactions to them the middle screen shows her heart rate it picks up for a second and then decreases when it reaches a normal rate the screen flashes green and the dauntless cheer the screen on the right shows her time i tear my eyes from the screen and jog to catch up with Christina and Will devias stands just inside a door on the left side of the room that I barely noticed the last time I was here it's next to the fear landscape i walk past him without looking at him the room is large and contains another screen similar to the one outside a line of people sit in chairs in front of it eric is one of them and so is Max the others are also older judging by the wires connected to their heads and their blank eyes they're observing the simulation behind them is another line of chairs all occupied now i'm the last to enter so I don't get one hey Tris uriah calls up from across the room he sits with the other Dauntless initiates only four of them are left the rest have gone through their fear landscapes already he pets his leg you can sit on my lap if you want tempting i call back grinning it's fine i like to stand i also don't want Tobias to see me sitting on someone else's lap the lights lift in the fear landscape room revealing Marlene in a crouch her face stre with tears max Eric and a few others shake off the simulation days and I walk out a few seconds later I see them on the screen congratulating her for finishing transfers the order in which you go through the final test was taken from your rankings as they now stand tobias says so Drew will go first and Tris will go last that means five people will go before I do i stand in the back of the room a few feet away from Tobias he and I exchange glances when Eric sticks Drew with the needle and sends him into the fear landscape by the time it's my turn I'll know how well the others did and how well I'll have to do to beat them the fear landscapes are not interesting to watch from the outside i can see that Drew is moving but I don't know what he's reacting to after a few minutes I close my eyes instead of watching and try to think of nothing speculating about which fears I'll have to face and how many there will be it's useless at this point i just have to remember that I have the power to manipulate the simulations and that I've practiced before molly goes next it takes her half as long as it takes Drew but even Molly has trouble she spends too much time breathing heavily trying to control her panic at one point she even screams at the top of her lungs it amazes me how easy it is to tune out everything the thoughts of war on abnigation tobias Caleb my parents my friends my new faction fade away all I can do now is get past this obstacle christina's next then Will then Peter i don't watch them i only know how much time it takes them 12 minutes 10 minutes 15 minutes and then my name tris i open my eyes and walk to the front of the observation room where Eric stands with a syringe full of orange liquid i barely feel the needle as it plunges into my neck barely see Eric's pierced face as he presses the plunger down i imagine that the serum is liquid and adrenaline is rushing through my veins making me strong ready he asks chapter 30 i'm ready i step into the room armed not with a gun or a knife but with the plan I made the night before tobias said that stage three is about mental preparation coming up with strategies to overcome my fears i wish I knew what order the fears will come in i bounce on the balls of my feet as I wait for the first fear to appear i'm already short of breath the ground beneath me changes grass rises from the concrete and sways in a wind I cannot feel a green sky replaces the exposed pipes above me i listen for the birds and feel my fear as a distant thing a hammering heart and a squeezed chest but not something that exists in my mind tobias told me to figure out what this simulation means he was right it isn't about the birds it's about control wings flap next to my ear and the crow's talons dig into my shoulder this time I don't hit the bird as hard as I can i can crouch listening to the thunder of wings behind me and run my hand through the grass just above the ground what combats powerlessness power and the first time I felt powerful in the Dauntless compound was when I was holding a gun a lump forms in my throat and I want the talons off the bird squawks and my stomach clenches but then I feel something hard and metal in the grass my gun i point the gun at the bird on my shoulder and it detaches from my shirt in an explosion of blood and feathers i spin on my heel aiming the gun at the sky and see the cloud of dark feathers descending i squeeze the trigger firing again and again into the sea of birds above me watching their dark bodies drop to the grass as I aim and shoot I feel the same rush of power I felt the first time I held a gun my heart stops racing and field gun and birds fade away i stand in the dark again i shift my weight and something squeaks beneath my foot i crouch down inside my hand along a cold smooth panel glass i press my hands to the glass on either side of my body it's the tank again i'm not afraid of drowning this isn't about the water it's about my inability to escape the tank it's about weakness i just have to convince myself that I'm strong enough to break the glass the blue lights come on and water slips over the floor but I don't let the simulation get that far i slam my palm against the wall in front of me expecting the pain to break my hand bounces off causing no damage my heartbeat speeds up what if what worked in the first simulation doesn't work here what if I can't break the glass unless I'm under duress the water laps over my ankles flowing faster by the second i have to calm down calm down and focus i lean against the wall behind me and kick as hard as I can and again my toes throb but nothing happens i have another option i can wait for water to fill the tank and it's already at my knees and try to calm down as I drown i brace myself against the wall shaking my head no I can't let myself drown i can't i blow my hands up into fists and pound on the wall i'm stronger than the glass the glass is as thin as newly frozen ice my mind will make it so i close my eyes the glass is ice the glass is ice the glass is The glass shatters under my hand and water spills onto the floor and then the dark returns i shake out my hands that should have been an easy obstacle to overcome i faced it before in simulations i can't afford to lose time like that again what feels like a solid wall hits me from the side forcing the air from my lungs and I fall hard gasping i can't swim i've only seen bodies of water this large this powerful in pictures beneath me is a rock with a jagged edge slick with water the water pulls up my legs and I cling to the rock tasting salt on my lips out of the corner of my eye I see a dark sky and a blood red moon another wave hits slamming against my back i hit my chin against the stone and winds the sea is cold but my blood is hot running down my neck i stretch my arm and find the edge of the rock the water pulls at my legs with irresistible force i cling as hard as I can but I'm not strong enough the water pulls me in the wave throws my body back it flings my legs over my head and my arms to each side and I collide with the stone my back pressed against it water gushing over my face my lungs scream for air i twist and grab the edge of the rock pulling myself above the water i gasp and another wave hits me this one harder than the first but I have a better hold i must not really be afraid of the water i must be afraid of being out of control to face it I have to regain control with a scream of frustration I throw my hand forward and find a hole in the rock my arms shake violently as I drag myself forward and I pull my feet up under me before the wave can take me with it once my feet are free I get up and throw my body into a run into a sprint my feet quick on the stone the red moon in front of me the ocean gone then everything is gone and my body is still too still i try to move my arms but they're bound tightly to my sides i look down and see rope wrapped around my chest my arms my legs a stack of logs rises around my feet and I see a pole behind me i'm high above the ground people creep out of the shadows and their faces are familiar they're the initiates carrying torches and Peter's at the front of the pack his eyes look like black pits and he wears a smirk that spreads too wide across his face forcing wrinkles into his cheeks a laugh starts somewhere in the center of the crowd and rises as voice after voice joins it cackling is all I hear as the cackling grows louder Peter lowers his torch to the wood and flames leap near the ground they flicker at the edges of each log and then creep over the bark i don't struggle against the ropes as I did the first time I faced this fear instead I close my eyes and gulp as much air as I can this is a simulation it can't hurt me the heat from the flames rises around me i shake my head smell that stiff peter says his voice louder than even the cackling no I say the flames are getting higher he sniffs that's the smell of your burning flesh when I open my eyes my vision is blurry with tears know what I smell my voice strains to be louder than the laughter all around me the laughter that oppresses me as much as the heat my arms twitch and I want to fight against the ropes but I won't i won't struggle pointlessly i won't panic i stare through the flames at Peter the heat bringing blood to the surface of my skin flowing through me melting the toes of my shoes i smell rain I say thunder roars above my head and I scream as a flame touches my fingertips and pain shrieks over my skin i tilt my head back and focus on the clouds gathering above my head heavy with rain dark with rain a line of lightning spraws over the sky and I feel the first drop on my forehead faster faster the drop rolls down the side of my nose and the second drop hits my shoulder so big it feels like it's made of ice or rock instead of water sheets of rain fall around me and I hear sizzling over the laughter i smile relieved as the pain puts out the fire and soos the burns on my hands the ropes fall away and I push my hands through my hair i wish I was like Tobias and had only four fears to face but I'm not that fearless i smooth my shirt down and when I look up I stand in my bedroom in the abnigation sector of the city i've never faced this fear before the lights are off but the room is lit by the moonlight coming through the windows one of my walls is covered with mirrors i turned toward it confused that isn't right i'm not allowed to have mirrors i look at the reflection in the mirror my wide eyes the bed with the gray sheets pulled tout the dresser that holds my clothes the bookcase the bare walls my eyes skip to the window behind me the man standing just outside cold drops down my spine like a beat of sweat and my body goes rigid i recognize him he's the man with the scarred face from the aptitude test he wears black and he stands still as a statue i blink and two men appear at his left and right just as still as he is but their faces are featureless skin-covered skulls i whip my body around and they stand in my room i press my shoulders to the mirror for a moment the room is silent and then fists pound against my window not just two or four or six but dozens of fists with dozens of fingers slamming into the glass the noise vibrates in my rib cage it's so loud and then the scarred man and his two companions begin to walk with slow careful movements toward me they're here to take me like Peter and Drew and Al to kill me i know it simulation this is a simulation my heart hammering in my chest I press my palm to the glass behind me and slide it to the left it's not a mirror but a closet door i tell myself where the weapon will be it'll be hanging against the right wall just inches away from my hand i don't shift my eyes from the scarred man but I find the gun with my fingertips and wrap my hand around the handle i bite my lip and fire at the scarred man i don't wait to see if the bullet hits him i aim at each featureless man and turn as fast as I can my lip aches from biting it so hard the pounding on the window stops but a screeching sound replaces it and the fists turn into hands with bent fingers scratching at the glass fighting to get in the glass caks under the pressure of their hands and then cracks and then shatters i scream i don't have enough bullets in my gun pale bodies human bodies but mangled arms bent at odd angles two wide mouths with needle teeth empty eye sockets toppling in of my bedroom one after the other and scramble to their feet scramble toward me i pull back into the closet and shut the door in front of me a solution i need a solution i sink into a crouch and press the side of my gun to my head i can't fight them off i can't fight them off so I have to calm down the fear landscape will register my slowing heartbeat and even my breath and it'll move on to the next obstacle i sit down on the floor of the closet the wall behind me caks i hear pounding the fists are at it again hitting the closet door but I turn and peer through the dark at the panel behind me it's not a wall but another door i fumble to push it aside and reveal the upstairs hallway smiling I crawl through the hole and stand i smell something baking i'm at home taking a deep breath I watched my house fade i forgot for a second that I was in Donna's headquarters and then Tobias is standing in front of me but I'm not afraid of Tobias i look over my shoulder maybe there's something behind me that I'm supposed to focus on but no behind me is just a four poster bed a bed tobias walks toward me slowly what's going on i stare up at him paralyzed he smiles down at me that smile looks kind familiar he presses his mouth to mine and my lips part i thought it would be impossible to forget I was in a simulation i was wrong he makes everything else disintegrate his fingers find my jacket zipper and pulls it down in one slow swipe until the zipper detaches he tugs the jacket from my shoulders oh is all I can think as he kisses me again oh my fear is being with him i've been wary of affection all my life but I didn't know how deep that weariness went but this obstacle doesn't feel the same as the others it's a different kind of fear nervous panic rather than blind terror he slides his hands down my arms and then squeezes my hips his fingers sliding over the skin just above my belt and I shiver i gently push him back and press my hands to my forehead i've been attacked by crows and men with grotesque faces i've been set on fire by the boy who almost threw me off a ledge have almost drowned twice and this is what I can't cope with this is the fear I have no solutions for a boy I like who wants to have sex with me simulation tobias kisses my neck i try to think i have to face the fear i have to take control of the situation and find a way to make it less frightening i look simulation Tobias in the eye and say sternly "I'm not going to sleep with you in a hallucination." Okay then I grab him by his shoulders and turn us around pushing him up against the bed post i feel something other than a fear a prickle in my stomach a bubble of laughter i press against him and kiss him my hands wrapping around his arms he feels strong he feels good and he's gone i laugh into my hand until my face gets hot i must be the only initiate with this fear a trigger clicks in my ear i almost forgot about this one i feel the heft of a gun in my hand and curl my fingers around it slipping my index finger over the trigger a spotlight shines from the ceiling its source unknown and standing in the center of its circle of light are my mother my father and my brother do it hiss his voice next to me it's female but harsh like it's cluttered with rocks and broken glass it sounds like Janine the barrel of a gun presses to my temple a cold circle against my skin the cold travels across my body making the hair on my back stand on end i wet my sweaty palm on my pants and look at the woman through the corner of my eye it is Janine her glasses are a skew and her eyes are empty of feeling my worst fear that my family will die and that I'll be responsible do it she says again more insistent this time do it or I'll kill you i stare at Caleb he nods his eyebrows tugged in sympathetic "go ahead Tris," he says softly "i understand it's okay." My eyes burn "no," I say my throat's so tight it aches i shake my head "i'll give you 10 seconds," the woman shouts "10 nine?" My eyes skip from my brother to my father the last time I saw him he gave me a look of contempt but now his eyes are wide and soft i've never seen him wear that expression in his real life tris he says you've no other option eight tris my mother says she smiles she's a sweet smile we love you seven shut up i shout holding up the gun i can't do it i can shoot them they understand they're asking me to they wouldn't want me to sacrifice myself for them they aren't even real this is all a simulation six it isn't real it doesn't mean anything my brother's kind eyes feel like two drills boring a hole in my head my sweat makes the gun slippery five i have no other option i close my eyes think i have to think the urgency making my heart race depends on one thing and one thing only the threat to my life four three what did Tobias tell me selflessness and bravery aren't that different two i release the trigger of my gun and drop it before I can lose my nerve I turn and press my forehead to the barrel of the gun behind me shoot me instead one i hear a click and a bang chapter 31 the lights come on i stand alone in the empty room with the concrete walls shaking i sink to my knees wrapping my arms around my chest it wasn't cold when I walked in but it feels cold now i rub my arms to get rid of the goosebumps i've never felt relief like this before every muscle in my body relaxes at once and I breathe freely again i can't imagine going through my fear landscape in my spare time like Tobias does it seemed like bravery to me before but now it seems more like massochism the door opens and I stand max Eric Tobias and a few people I don't know walk into the room in a line standing in a small crowd in front of me tobias smiles at me congratulations Tris says Eric you've successfully completed your final evaluation i try to smile it doesn't work i can't shake the memory of the gun against my head i can still feel the barrel between my eyebrows thanks I say there's one more thing before you can go and get ready for the welcoming banquet he says he beckons to one of the unfamiliar people behind him a woman with blue hair hands him a small black case he opens it and takes out a syringe and a long needle i tense up at the side of it the orange brown liquid in the syringe reminds me of what they inject us with before simulations then I'm supposed to be finished with those at least you weren't afraid of needles he says this will inject you with a tracking device that'll be activated only if you reported missing it's just a precaution how often do people go missing i ask frowning not often Eric smirks this is a new development courtesy of the Ariodite we've been injecting every Dauntless throughout the day and I assume all other factions will comply as soon as possible my stomach twists i can't let him inject me with anything especially not anything developed by Aridite maybe even by Janine but I also can't refuse i can't refuse or he'll doubt my loyalty again all right I say my throat tight eric approaches me with a needle and syringe in hand i pull my hair away from my neck and tilt my head to the side i look away as Eric wipes my neck with an antiseptic wipe and eases the needle into my skin the deep ache spreads through my neck painful but brief he puts the needle back in its case and sticks an adhesive bandage on the injection site the banquet's in two hours he says your ranking among the other initiates Dauntless included will be announced then good luck the small crowd fouls out of the room but Tobias lingers he pauses by the door and beckons for me to follow so I do the glass room above the pit is full of dauntless some of them walking the ropes above our heads some talking and laughing in groups he smiles at me he must not have been watching i heard a rumor that you only had seven obstacles to face he says it's practically unheard of you You weren't watching the simulation only on the screens the Dauntless leaders are the only ones who see the whole thing he says they seemed impressed well Seven Fears isn't as impressive as four I reply but it'll suffice i'd be surprised if you weren't ranked first he says we walk into the glass room the crowd is still there but it's thinner now that the last person me has gone people notice me after a few seconds i stay close to Tobias's side as they point but I can't walk fast enough to avoid some cheers some claps on the shoulder some congratulations as I look at the people around me I realize how strange they would look to my father and brother and how normal they seem to me despite all the metal rings in their faces and the tattoos on their arms and throats and chests i smile back at them we descend the steps into the pit and I say "I have a question." I bite my lip how much did they tell you about my fear landscape nothing really why he says no reason i kick a pebble to the side of the path do you have to go back to the dormatory he asks because if you want peace and quiet you can stay with me until the banquet my stomach twists what is it he asks i don't want to go back to the dormatory and I don't want to be afraid of him let's go I say he closes the door behind us and slips off his shoes "want some water?" he says "no thanks." I hold my hands in front of me "you okay?" he says touching my cheek his hand cradles the side of my head his long fingers slipping through my hair he smiles and holds my head in place as he kisses me heat spreads through me slowly and fear buzzing like an alarm in my chest his lips still on mine he pushes the jacket from my shoulders i flinch when I hear it drop and push him back my eyes burning i don't know why I feel this way i didn't feel like this when he kissed me on the train i press my palms to my face covering my eyes what what's wrong i shake my head don't tell me it's nothing his voice is cold he grabs my arm hey look at me i take my hands from my face and lift my eyes to his the hurt in his eyes and the anger in his clenched jaw surprise me sometimes I wonder I say as calmly as I can what's in it for you this whatever it is what's in it for me he repeats he steps back shaking his head you're an idiot Tris i'm not an idiot I say which is why I know that it's a little weird that of all the girls you could have chosen you chose me so if you're just looking for a you know that what sex he scowls at me you know if that was all I wanted you probably wouldn't be the first person I'd go to i feel like he just punched me in the stomach of course I'm not the first person he would go to not the first not the prettiest not desirable i press my hands to my abdomen and look away fighting off tears i'm not the crying type nor am I the yelling type i blink a few times lower my hand and stare up at him "i'm going to leave now," I say quietly and I turn toward the door "no Tris." He grabs my wrist and wrenches me back i push him away hard but he grabs my other wrist holding our crossed arms between us i'm sorry I said that he says "what I meant was that you weren't like that which I knew when I met you you were an obstacle in my fear landscape my lower lip wobbles did you know that what he releases my wrists and the hurt look is back you're afraid of me not you i say i bite my lip to keep it still being with you with anyone i I've never been involved with someone before and you're older and I don't know what your expectations are in Tris he says sternly i don't know what delusion you're operating under but this is all new to me too delusion i repeat you mean you haven't i raise my eyebrows oh oh I I just assumed that because I'm so absorbed by him everyone else must be too um you know what you assumed wrong he looks away his cheeks are bright like he's embarrassed "you can tell me anything you know," he says he takes my face in his hands his fingertips cold and his palms warm i'm kinder than I seemed in training i promise i believe him but this has nothing to do with his kindness he kisses me between the eyebrows and on the tip of my nose and then carefully fits his mouth to mine i'm on edge i have electricity coursing through my veins instead of blood i want him to kiss me i want him to i I'm afraid of where it might go his hands shift to my shoulders and his fingers brush over the edge of my bandage he pulls back with a puckered brow "are you hurt?" he asks "no it's another tattoo it It's healed i just wanted to keep it covered up." "Can I see?" I nod my throat tight i pull my sleeve down and slip my shoulder out of it he stares down at my shoulder for a second and then runs his fingers over it they rise and fall with my bones which stick out farther than I'd like when he touches me I feel like everywhere his skin meets mine is changed by the connection it sends a thrill to my stomach not just fear something else too a wanting he peels the corner of the bandage away his eyes roam over the symbol of abnigation and he smiles i have the same one he says laughing on my back really can I see it he presses the bandage over the tattoo and pulls my shirt back over my shoulder are you asking me to undress Tris a nervous laugh girls from my throat only partially he nods his smile suddenly fading he lifts his eyes to mine and unzips his sweatshirt it slides from his shoulders and he tosses it onto the desk chair i don't feel like laughing now all I can do is stare at him his eyebrows pull to the center of his forehead and he grabs the hem of his t-shirt in one swift motion he pulls it over his head a patch of dauntless flames covers his right side but other than that his chest is unmarked he verts his eyes "what is it?" I ask frowning he looks uncomfortable i don't invite many people to look at me he says any people actually i can't imagine why I say softly i mean look at you i walk slowly around him on his back is more ink than skin the symbols of each faction are drawn there dauntless at the top of his spine Abnigation just below it and the other three smaller beneath them for a few seconds I look at the scales that represent cander the eye that stands for ariodite and the tree that symbolizes amity it makes sense that he would tattoo himself with the symbol of the dauntless his refuge and even the symbol of abnigation his place of origin like I did but the other three I think we've made a mistake he says softly we've all started to put down the virtues of the other factions in the process of bolstering our own i don't want to do that i want to be brave and selfless and smart and kind and honest he clears his throat i continually struggle with kindness no one's perfect I whisper it doesn't work that way it one bad thing goes away and another bad thing replaces it i traded cowardice for cruelty i traded weakness for ferocity i brush over Abnigation symbol with my fingertips we have to warn them you know soon I know he says we will he turns toward me i want to touch him but I'm afraid of his barness afraid that he'll make me bear too is this scaring you Tris no i croak i clear my throat not really i'm only afraid of what I want what do you want then his face tightens me slowly I nod he nods too and takes my hands and his gently he guides my palms to his stomach his eyes lowered he pushes my hands up over his abdomen and over his chest and holds them against his neck my palms tingle with the feel of his skin smooth warm my face is hot but I shiver anyway he looks at me someday he says "If you still want me we can." He pauses clears his throat "we can." I smile a little and wrap my arms around him before he finishes pressing the side of my face to his chest i feel his heartbeat against my cheek as fast as my own "are you afraid of me too Tobias?" "Terrified," he replies with a smile i turn my head and kiss the hollow beneath his throat maybe you won't be in my fear landscape anymore I murmur he bends his head and kisses me slowly then everyone can call you six four and six I say we kiss again and this time it feels familiar i know exactly how we fit together his armor on my waist my hands on his chest the pressure of his lips on mine we have each other memorized chapter 32 i watched Tobias's face carefully as we walked into the dining hall searching for any sign of disappointment we spent the two hours lying on his bed talking and kissing eventually dozing until we heard shouts in the hallway people on their way to the banquet if anything he seems lighter now than he was before he smiles more anyway when we reach the entrance we separate i go in first and run to the table I share with Will and Christina he enters a second a minute later and sits down next to Zeke who hands him a dark bottle he waves it away "where'd you go?" asked Christina "everyone else went back to the dormatory." "I just wandered around," I say "i was too nervous to talk to everyone else about it." "You have no reason to be nervous," Christina says shaking her head i turn around to talk to Will for one second and you were already done i detect a note of jealousy in her voice and again I wish I could explain that I was well prepared for the simulation because of what I am instead I just shrug "which job are you going to pick?" I ask her i'm thinking I might want a job like fours training initiates she says scaring the living daylights out of them you know fun stuff what about you i was so focused on getting through initiation that I barely thought about it i could work for the Dauntless leaders but they would kill me if they discover what I am what else is there i guess I could be an ambassador to the other factions i say I think being a transfer would help me i was so hoping you would say Dauntless leader in training says Christina because that's what Peter wants he couldn't shut up about it in the dorm earlier that's what I want adds Will hopefully I ran higher than him oh and all the Dlessborn initiates i forgot about them he groans oh god this is going to be impossible no it isn't she says christina reaches for his hand and laces her fingers with his like it's the most natural thing in the world will squeezes her hand question," says Christina leaning forward "the leaders who are watching your fear landscape they were laughing about something." "Oh," I bite my lip hard "i'm glad my terror amuses them." "Any idea which obstacle it was?" she asks "no you're lying," she says "you always bite the inside of your cheek when you lie it's your tell." I stop biting the inside of my cheek will is pinching his lips together if it makes you feel better she adds will covers his mouth immediately okay fine i was afraid of intimacy I say intimacy repeats Christina like sex i tense up and force myself to nod even if it was just Christina and no one else was around I would still want to strangle her right now i go over a few ways to inflict maximum injury with minimum force in my head i try to throw flames for my eyes will laughs what was that like she says i mean did someone just try to do it with you who was it oh you know faceless unidentifiable male I say how are your moths you promised you would never tell cries Christina smacking my arm moths repeats Will you're afraid of moths not just a cloud of moths she says like a swarm of them everywhere all those wings and legs and she shuddters and shakes her head terrifying Will says with mock seriousness that's my girl tough as cotton balls oh shut up a microphone squeals somewhere so loud I clap my hands over my ears i look across the room at Eric who stands on one of the tables with a microphone in hand tapping it with his fingertips after the tapping is done and the crowd of dauntless quit Eric clears his throat and begins we aren't big on speeches here eloquences for ariodite he says the crowd laughs i wonder if they know that he was an Ariodite once that under all the pretense of dauntless recklessness and even brutality he's more like an ariodite than anything else if they did I doubt they'd laugh at him so I'm going to keep this short it's a new year and we have a new pack of initiates and a slightly smaller pack of new members we offer them our congratulations at the word congratulations the room erupts not into applause but into the pounding of fists on tabletops the noise vibrates in my chest and I grin we believe in bravery we believe in taking action we believe in freedom from fear and in acquiring the skills to force the bad out of your world so the good can prosper and thrive if you also believe in those things we welcome you even though I know Eric probably doesn't believe in any of those things I find myself smiling because I believe in them no matter how badly the leaders have warped their dauntless ideals those ideals can still belong to me more pounding fists this time accompanied by whoops tomorrow in their first act as members our top 10 initiates will choose their professions in the order of how they're ranked eric says "The rankings I know are what everyone is really waiting for they're determined by a combination of three scores the first from the combat stage of training the second from the simulation stage and the third from the final examination the fear landscape the rankings will appear on the screen behind me as soon as the word me leaves his mouth the names appear on the screen which is almost as large as the wall itself next to the number one is my picture and the name Tris a weight in my chest lifts i didn't realize it was there until it was gone and I didn't have to feel it anymore i smile and a tingling spreads through me first divergent or not this faction is where I belong i forget about war i forget about death will's arms wrap around me and he gives me a bear hug i hear cheering and laughing and shouting christina points at the screen her eyes wide and filled with tears one Tris two Uriah three Lynn four Marlene five Peter peter stays i suppress a sigh but then I read the rest of the names six Will seven Christina i smile and Christina reaches across this table to hug me i'm too distracted to protest against the affection she laughs in my ear someone grabs me from behind and shouts in my ear it's Uriah i can't turn around so I reach back and squeeze his shoulder congratulations I shout you beat them he shouts back he releases me laughing and runs into a crowd of dauntless initiates i crane my neck to look at the screen again i follow the list down eight nine and 10 are dauntless whose name I barely recognize 11 and 12 are Molly and Drew molly and Drew are cut drew who tried to run away while Peter held me by the throat over the chasm and Molly who fed the ariodite lies about my father are factionless it isn't quite the victory I wanted but it's a victory nonetheless will and Christina kiss a little too sloppily for my taste all around me is the pounding of Dauntless fists then I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn to see Tobias standing behind me i get up beaming you think giving you a hug would be too much he says "You know," I say "i really don't care." I stand on my tiptoes and press my lips to his it's the best moment in my life a moment later Tobias's thumb brushes over the injection site in my neck and a few things come together at once i don't know how I didn't figure this out before one colored serum contains transmitters two transmitters connect the mind to a simulation program three ariodite developed the serum four Eric and Max are working with the ariodite i break away from the kiss and stare wideeyed at Tobias terres he says confused i shake my head not now i meant to say not here not with Will and Christina standing a foot away from me staring with open mouths probably because I just kissed Tobias and the clamor of the dauntless surrounding us but he has to know how important it is later I say okay he nods i don't even know how I'll explain it later i don't even know how to think straight but I do know how Ariodite will get us to fight chapter 33 i try to get Tobias alone after the rankings are announced but the crowd of initiates and members is too thick and the force of their congratulations pulls them away from me i decide to sneak out of the dormatory after everyone's asleep and find him but the fear landscape exhausted me more than I realized so soon enough I drift off too i wake to squeaking mattresses and shuffling feet it's too dark for me to see clearly but as my eyes adjust I see that Christina is tying her shoelaces i open my mouth to ask her what she's doing but then I notice that across from me Will is putting on a shirt everyone's awake but everyone's silent christina I hiss she doesn't look at me so I grab her shoulder and shake it christina she just keeps tying her shoelaces my stomach squeezes when I see her face her eyes are open but blank and her facial muscles are slack she moves without looking at what she's doing her mouth half open not awake but seeming awake and everyone else looks just like her "will?" I ask crossing the room all the initiates fall into a line when they finish dressing they start to file silently out of the dormatory i grab Will's arm to keep him from leaving but he moves forward with irreressible force i grip my teeth and hold on as hard as I can digging my heels into the ground he just drags me along with him they're sleepwalkers i fumble for my shoes i can't stay here alone i tie my shoes in a hurry pull on a jacket and sprint out of the room catching up to the line of initiates quickly conforming my pace to theirs it takes me a few seconds to realize that they move in unison the same foot forward as the same arm swings back i mimic them as best I can but the rhythm feels strange to me we march toward the pit but when we reach the entrance the front of the line turns left max stands in the hallway watching us my heart hammers in my chest and I stare as vacantly as possible ahead of me focusing on the rhythm on my feet i tense as I pass him he'll notice he'll notice I'm not brain dead like the rest of them and something bad will happen to me i just know it max's dark eyes pass right over me we climb a flight of stairs and travel up the same rhythm down four corridors then the hallway opens up to a huge cavern inside is a crowd of dauntless there are rows of tables with mounds of black on them i can't see what the pals are until I'm a foot away from them guns of course eric said every dauntless was injected yesterday so now the entire faction is brain dead obedient and trained to kill perfect soldiers i pick up a gun and a holster and a belt coping will directly in front of me i try to match his movements but I can't predict what he's going to do so I end up fumbling more than I'd like to i grit my teeth i just have to trust that no one is watching me once I'm armed I follow Will and the other initiates toward the exit i can't wage war against abnigation against my family i would rather die my fear landscape prove that my list of options narrows and I see the path I must take i'll pretend long enough to get to the abnigation sector of the city i'll save my family and whatever happens after that doesn't matter a blanket of calm settles over me the line of initiates passes into a dark hallway i can't see Will ahead of me or anything ahead of him my foot hits something hard and I stumble my hands outstretched my knee hits something else a step i straighten so tense my teeth are almost chattering they didn't see that it's too dark please let it be too dark as the staircase turns light follows into the cavern until I can finally see Will's shoulders in front of me again i focus on matching my rhythm to his as I reach the top of the stairs passing another dauntless leader now I know who the dauntless leaders are because they're the only people who are awake well not the only people i must be awake because I'm divergent and if I'm awake that means Tobias is too unless I'm wrong about him i have to find him i stand next to the train tracks in a group that stretches as far as I can see with my peripheral vision the train is stopped in front of us every car open one by one my fellow initiates climb into the train car in front of us i can't turn my head to scan the crowd for Tobias but I let my eyes skirt to the side the faces on my left are unfamiliar but I see a tall boy with short hair a few yards to my right it might not be him and I can't make it out for sure but it's the best chance I have i don't know how to get to him without attracting attention i have to get to him the car in front of me fills up and Will turns toward the next one i take my cues from him but instead of stopping where he stops I slip a few feet to the right the people around me are all taller than I am they'll shield me i step to the right again clenching my teeth too much movement they will catch me please don't catch me a blankfaced dauntless in the next car offers a hand to the boy in front of me and he takes it his movement's robotic i take the next hand without looking at it and climb as gracefully as I can into the car i stand facing the person who helped me my eyes twitch up just for a second to see his face tobias as blank face as the rest of them was I wrong is he not divergent tears spark behind my eyes and I blink them back as I turn away from him people crowd into the car around me so we stand in four rows shoulderto-shoulder and then something peculiar happens fingers lace with mine and a palm presses to my palm tobias holding my hand my entire body is alive with energy i squeeze his hand and he squeezes back he's awake i was right i want to look at him but I force myself to stand still and keep my eyes forward as the train starts to move he moves his thumb in a slow circle over the back of my hand it's meant to comfort me but it frustrates me instead i need to talk to him i need to look at him i can't see where the train is going because the girl in front of me is so tall so I stare at the back of her head and focus on Tobias's hand and mine until the rails squeal i don't know how long I've been standing there but my back aches so it must have been a long time the train screeches to a stop and my heart pounds so hard it's difficult to breathe right before we jump down from the car I see Tobias turn his head in my periphery and I glance back at him his dark eyes are insistent as he says "Run my family," I say i look straight ahead again and jump down from the train car when it's my turn tobias walks in front of me i should focus on the back of his head but the streets I walk now are familiar and the line of dauntless I follow fades for my attention i pass the place I went every 6 months with my mother to pick up new clothes for our family the bust up where I once waited in the morning to get to school the strip of sidewalk so cracked Caleb and I played at hopping they're all different now the buildings are dark and empty the roads are packed with dauntless soldiers all marching at the same rhythm except the officers who stand every few yards watching us walk by or gathering in clusters to discuss something no one seems to be doing anything are we really here for war i walk a half mile before I get an answer to that question i start to hear popping sounds i can't look around to see where they're coming from but the farther I walk the louder and sharper they get until I recognize them as gunshots i clench my jaw i must keep walking i have to stare straight ahead far ahead of us I see a dauntless soldier push a gray clothed man to his knees i recognize the man he's a council member the soldier takes her gun out of her holster and with sightless eyes fires a bullet into the back of the council member's skull the soldier has a gray streak in her hair it's Tori my steps almost falter keep walking my eyes burn keep walking we march past Tori and the fallen council member when I step over his hand I almost burst into tears then the soldiers in front of me stop walking and so do I i stand as still as I can but all I want to do is find Janine and Eric and Max and shoot them all my hands are shaking and I can't do anything to stop it i breathe quickly through my nose another gunshot from the corner of my left eye I see a gray blur collapse into the pavement all the Amnigation will die if this continues the Dauntless soldiers carry out unspoken orders without hesitation and without question some adult members of Abnigation are herded toward one of the nearby buildings along with the Abnigation children a sea of blackloed soldiers guard the doors the only people I do not see are Abnigation leaders maybe they're already dead one by one the dauntless soldiers in front of me step away to perform one task or another soon the leaders will notice that whatever signals everyone else is getting I'm not getting them what will I do when that happens this is insane who's a male voice on my right i see a long lock of greasy hair and a silver earring eric he pokes my cheek with his index finger and I struggle against the impulse to slap his hand away they really can't see us or hear us a female voice asks oh they can see and hear they just aren't processing what they see and hear the same way says Eric they receive commands from our computers and the transmitters we injected them with at this he presses his fingers to the injection site to show the woman where it is stay still I tell myself still still still and carry them out seamlessly eric shifts a step to the side and leans close to Tobias's face grinning now this is a happy sight he says the legendary four no one's going to remember that I came in second now are they no one's going to ask me what was it like to train with the guy who has only four fears he draws his gun and points it at Tobias's right temple my heart pounds so hard I feel it in my skull he can't shoot he wouldn't eric tilts his head think anyone would notice if he accidentally got shot go ahead the woman sounds she must be a dauntless leader if she can give Eric permission he's nothing now too bad you didn't just take Max up on his offer for well too bad for you anyway says Eric quietly as he clicks the bullet into its chamber my lungs burn i haven't breathed in almost a minute i see Tobias's hand twitch in the corner of my eye but my hand is already on my gun i press the barrel to Eric's forehead his eyes widen and his face goes slack and for a second he looks like another sleeping dauntless soldier my index finger hovers over the trigger get your gun away from his head I say he won't shoot me Eric replies interesting theory I say but I can't murder him i can't i grit my teeth and shift my arm down firing at Eric's foot he screams and grabs his foot with both hands the moment his gun is no longer pointing at Tobias's head Tobias draws his gun and fires it at the woman i grabbias's arm and sprint if we can make it to the alley we can disappear into the buildings and they won't find us there are 200 yards to go i hear footsteps behind us but I don't look back tobias grabs my hand and squeezes pulling me forward faster than I've ever run faster than I can run i stumble behind him i hear a gunshot the pain is sharp and sudden beginning in my shoulder and spreading outward with electric fingers a scream stops in my throat and I fall my cheeks scraping the pavement i lift my head to see Tobias's knees by my face and yell "Run!" His voice is calm and quiet as he replies "No." In seconds we're surrounded tobias helps me up supporting my weight i have trouble focusing through the pain "dauntless soldiers surround us and point their guns." "Divergent rebels," Eric says standing on one foot his face is a sickly white "surrender your weapons." Chapter 34 i lean heavily on Tobias a gun barrel pressed to my spine urges me forward through the front doors of the Abnigation headquarters a plain gray building two stories high blood trickles down my side i'm not afraid of what's coming i'm in too much pain to think about it the gun barrel pushes me toward a door guarded by two dauntless soldiers tobias and I walk through it and enter a plain office that contains just a desk a computer and two empty chairs janine sits behind the desk a phone against her ear we'll send some of them back on the train then she says it needs to be well guarded it's the most important part i'm not I have to go she snaps the phone shut and focuses her gray eyes on me they remind me of melted steel divergent rebels one of the dauntless says he must be a Dauntless leader or maybe a recruit who is removed from the simulation yes I can see that she takes her glasses off folds them and sets them on the desk she probably wears the glasses out of vanity rather than necessity because she thinks they make her look smarter my father said so you she says pointing at me i expected all the trouble with your aptitude test results made me suspicious from the beginning but you she shakes her head as she lifts her eyes to Tobias you Tobias or should I call you for you managed to elude me she says quietly everything about you checked out test results initiation simulations everything but here you are nonetheless she folds her hands and sets her chin on top of them perhaps you could explain to me how that is you're the genius he says coolly why don't you tell me her mouth curls into a smile my theory is that you really do belong in abnigation that your divergence is weaker she smiles wider like she's amused i grit my teeth and consider lunging across the table and strangling her if I didn't have a bullet in my shoulder I might your powers of deductive reasoning are stunning spits Tobias consider me odd i look sideways at him i'd almost forgotten about that side of him the part that's more likely to explode than to lie down and die now that your intelligence has been verified you might want to get on with killing us tobias closes his eyes you have a lot of abnigation leaders to murder after all if Tobias's comments bother Janine she doesn't let on she keeps smiling and stands smoothly she wears a blue dress that hugs her body from shoulder to knee revealing a layer of pud around her middle the room spins as I try to focus on her face and I slump against Tobias for support he slides his arm around me supporting me from the waist don't be silly there is no rush she says lightly you are both here for an extremely important purpose you see it's perplexed me that the divergent were immune to the serum that I developed so I've been working to remedy that i thought I might have with the last batch but as you know I was wrong luckily I have another batch to test why bother she and the Dauntless leaders had no problem killing the divergent in the past why would it be any different now she smirks at me i've had a question since I began the Dauntless project and it's this she sidesteps her desk skimming the surface with her finger why are most of the divergent weakwilled god-fearing nobodies from abnigation of all factions i didn't know that most of the divergent came from abnigation and I don't know why that would be and I probably won't live long enough to figure it out weakwilled Tobias scoffs he requires a strong willed to manipulate a simulation last time I checked weakw is mind controlling an army because it's too hard for you to train one yourself i'm not a fool says Janine a faction of intellectuals is no army we are tired of being dominated by a bunch of self-righteous idiots who reject wealth and advancement but we couldn't do this on our own and your dauntless leaders were all too happy to oblige me if I guarantee them a place in our new improved government improved Tobias says snorting yes improved Janine says improved and working toward a world in which people will live in wealth and comfort and prosperity at whose expense i ask my voice thick and sluggish all that wealth it doesn't come from nowhere currently the factionless are a drain on our resources Janine replies ass is abnigation i'm sure that once the remains of your old faction are absorbed into the Dauntless Army then Cander will cooperate and we'll finally be able to get on with things absorbed into the Dauntless army i know what that means she wants to control them too she wants everyone to be pliable and easy to control "get on with things," Tobias repeats bitterly he raises his voice "make no mistake you'll be dead before the day is out you perhaps if you could control your temper," Janine says her words cutting cleanly across Tobias's "you would not be in this situation to begin with Tobias i'm in this situation because you put me here," he snaps the second you orchestrated an attack against innocent people innocent people janine laughs i find that a little funny coming from you i would expect Marcus' son to understand that not all those people are innocent she perches on the edge of the desk her skirt pulling away from her knees which are crossed with stretch marks can you tell me honestly that you wouldn't be happy to discover that your father was killed in the attack no says Tobias gritted teeth but at least his evil didn't involve the widespread manipulation of an entire faction and the systematic murder of every political leader we have they stare at each other for a few seconds long enough to make me feel tense to my core and then Janine clears her throat what I was going to say she says is that soon dozens of the Abnigation and their young children will be my responsibility to keep an order and it does not bode well for me that a large number of them may be divergent like yourselves incapable of being controlled by the simulations she stands and walks a few steps to the left her hands clasped in front of her her nail beds like mine are bitten raw therefore it was necessary that I develop a new form of simulation to which they are not immune i have been forced to reassess my own assumptions that's where you come in she paces a few steps to the right you are correct to say that you are strong willed i cannot control your will but there are a few things I can control she stops and turns to face us i lean my temple into Tobias's shoulder blood trails down my back the pain has been so constant for the past few minutes that I've gotten used to it like a person gets used to a siren's whale if it remains consistent she presses her palms together i see no vicious glee in her eyes and not a hint of the sadism I expected she's more machine than maniac she sees problems and forms solutions based on the data she collects abnigation stood in the way of her desire for power so she found a way to eliminate it she didn't have an army so she found one in Dauntless she knew that she would need to control large groups of people in order to stay secure so she developed a way to do it with serums and transmitters divergence is just another problem for her to solve and that's what makes her so terrifying because she's smart enough to solve anything even the problem of our existence i can control what you see and hear she says so I created a new serum that will adjust your surroundings to manipulate your will those who refuse to accept our leadership must be closely monitored monitored or robbed of free will she has a gift with words you'll be the first test subject Tobias beatatrice however she smiles you are too injured to be of much use to me so your execution will occur at the conclusion of this meeting i try to hide the shudder that goes through me at the word execution my shoulder screaming with pain i look up at Tobias it's hard to blink the tears back when I see the tear in Tobias's wide dark eyes no says Tobias his voice trembles but his look is stern as he shakes his head i'd rather die i'm afraid you don't have much of a choice in the matter replies Janine lightly tobias takes my face in his hands and roughly kisses me the pressure of his lips pushing mine apart i forget my pain and the terror of approaching death and for a moment I'm grateful that the memory of that kiss will be fresh in my mind as I meet my end then he releases me and I have to lean against the wall for support with no more warning than the tightening of his muscles Tobias lunges across the desk and wraps his hand around Janine's throat dauntless guards by the door leap at him their guns held ready and I scream it takes two Dauntless soldiers to pull Tobias away from Janine and shove him to the ground one of the soldiers pins him his knees on Tobias's shoulders and his hands on Tobias's head pressing his face to the carpet i lunge toward them but another guard slams his hands against my shoulders forcing me against the wall i'm weak from blood loss and too small denine braces herself against the desk spluttering and gasping she rubs her throat which is bright red with devices fingerprints no matter how mechanical she seems she's still human there are tears in her eyes as she takes a box from her desk drawer and opens it revealing a needle and a syringe still breathing heavily she carries it toward Tobias tobias greets his teeth and elbows one of the guards in the face the guard slams the heel of his gun into the side of Tobias's head janine sticks the needle into Tobias's neck he goes limp a sound escapes my mouth not a scream or a sob but a croaking scraping moan that sounds detached like it's coming from someone else let him up says Janine her voice scratchy the guard gets up and so does Tobias he doesn't look like the sleepwalking Dauntless soldiers his eyes are alert he looks around for a few seconds as if confused by what he sees tobias I say tobias he doesn't know you says Janine tobias looks over his shoulder his eyes narrow and he starts toward me fast before the guards can stop him he closes the hand around my throat squeezing my trachea with his fingertips i choke my face hot with blood the simulation manipulates him says Janine i can barely hear her over the pounding in my ears by altering what he sees making him confuse enemy with friend one of the guards pulls Tobias off me i gasp drawing a rattling breath into my lungs he's gone controlled by the simulation he'll now murder the people he called innocent not 3 minutes ago janine killing him would have hurt less than this the advantage to this version of the simulation she says her eyes alike is that he can act independently and is therefore far more effective than a mindless soldier she looks at the guards who hold Tobias back he struggles against them his muscles touted his eyes focused on me but not seeing me not seeing me the way they used to send him to the control room we'll want a sentient being there to monitor things and as I understand it he used to work there denine presses her palms together in front of her and take her to room B13 she says she flaps her hand to dismiss me that flapping hand commands my execution but to her it's just crossing off an item from a list of tasks the only logical progression of the particular path she's on she surveys me without feeling as Dauntless soldiers pull me out of the room they drag me down the hallway i feel numb inside but outside a screaming thrashing force of will i bite a hand that belongs to the Dauntless men on my right and smile as I taste blood then he hits me and there's nothing chapter 35 i wake in the dark wedged in a hard corner the floor beneath me is smooth and cold i touch my throbbing head and liquid slips across my fingertips red blood when I bring my hand back down my elbow hits a wall where am I a light flickers above me the bulb is blue and dim when it's lit i see the walls of a tank around me and my shadowed reflection across from me the room is small with concrete walls and no windows and I'm alone in it well almost a small video camera is attached to one of the concrete walls i see a small opening near my feet connected to it is a tube and connected to the tube in the corner of the room is a huge tank the trembling starts in my fingertips and spreads up my arms and soon my body is shuddering i'm not in a simulation this time my right arm is numb when I push myself out of the corner I see a pool of blood where I was sitting i can't panic now i stand leaning against a wall and breathe the worst thing that can happen to me now is that I drown in this tank i press my forehead to the glass and laugh that is the worst thing I can imagine my laugh turns into a sob if I refuse to give up now it'll look brave to whoever watches me with that camera but sometimes it isn't fighting that's brave it's facing the death you know is coming i sobb into the glass i'm not afraid of dying but I want to die a different way any other way it's better to scream than cry so I scream and slam my heel into the wall behind me my foot bounces off and I kick again so hard my heel throbs i kick again and again and again then pull back and throw my left shoulder into the wall the impact makes the wound in my right shoulder burn like it got stuck with a hot poker water trickles into the bottom of the tank the video camera means they're watching me no studying me as only the aridite would to see if my reaction in reality matches my reaction in the simulation to prove that I'm a coward i unccurl my fist and drop my hands i'm not a coward i lift my head and stare at the camera in front of me if I focus on breathing I can forget that I'm about to die i stare at the camera until my vision narrows and it's all I see water trickles my ankles then my calves then my thighs it rises over my fingertips i breathe in i breathe out the water is soft and feels like silk i breathe in the water will wash my wounds clean i breathe out my mother submerged me in water when I was a baby to give me to God it's been a long time since I thought about God but I think about him now it's only natural i'm glad suddenly that I shot Eric in the foot instead of the head my body rises with the water instead of kicking my feet to stay a breast of it I push all the air from my lungs and sink to the bottom the water muffles my ears i feel its movement over my face i think about snorting the water into my lungs so it kills me faster but I can't bring myself to do it i blow bubbles from my mouth relax i close my eyes my lungs burn i let my hands float up to the top of the tank i let the water fold me in its silken arms when I was young my father used to hold me over his head and run with me so it felt like I was flying i remember how the air felt gliding over my body and I'm not afraid i open my eyes a dark figure stands in front of me i must be close to death if I'm seeing things pain stabs at my lungs suffocating is painful a palm presses to the glass in front of my face and for a moment as I stare through the water I think I see my mother's blurry face i hear a bang and the glass cracks water sprays out a hole near the top of the tank and the pain cracks in half i turn away as the glass shatters and the force of the water throws my body at the ground i gasp swallowing water as well as air and cough and gasp again and hands close around my arms and I hear her voice beatatrice she says beatatrice we have to run she pulls my arm across her shoulders and hauls me to my feet she's dressed like my mother and she looks like my mother but she's holding a gun and the determined look in her eyes is unfamiliar to me i stumble beside her over broken glass and through water and out an open doorway dauntless guards lie dead next to the door my feet slip and slide on the tile as we walk down the hallway as fast as my weak legs can muster when we turn the corner she fires at the two guards standing by the door at the end the bullets hit them both in the head they slump to the floor she pushes me against the wall and takes off her gray jacket she wears a sleeveless shirt when she lifts her arm I see the corner of a tattoo under her armpit no wonder she never changed clothes in front of me mom I say my voice strained you were dauntless yes she says smiling she makes her jacket into a sling for my arm tying the sleeves around my neck and it served me well today your father and Caleb and some of the others are hiding in a basement at the intersection of North and Fairfield we have to get to them i stare at her i sat next to her at the kitchen table twice a day for 16 years and never once did I consider the possibility that she could have been anything but Abnigationborn how well did I actually know my mother there will be time for questions she says she lifts her shirt and slips a gun from under the waistband of her pants offering it to me then she touches my cheek now we must go she runs to the end of the hallway and I run after her we're in the basement of Abnigation headquarters my mother's worked there for so long so I'm not surprised when she leads me down a few dark hallways up a dank staircase and into daylight again without interference "how many dauntless guards did she shoot before she found me?" "How do you know to find me?" I say "i've been watching the train since the attack started," she replies glancing over her shoulder at me "i didn't know what I would do when I found you but it was always my intention to save you." My throat feels tight but I betrayed you i I left you you're my daughter i don't care about the factions she shakes her head look where they got us human beings as a whole cannot be good for long before the bad creeps back in and poisons us again she stops where the alley intersects with the road i know now there isn't time for conversation but there's something I need to know mom how do you know about divergence i ask what is it what she pushes the bullet chamber open and peers inside seeing how many bullets she has left she takes a few out of her pocket and reloads i recognize her expression as the one she wears when she threads a needle i know about them because I am one she says as she shoves a bullet in place i was only safe because my mother was a dauntless leader on choosing day she told me to leave my faction and find a safer one i chose abnigation she puts an extra bullet in her pocket and stands up straighter but I wanted you to make the choice on your own i don't understand why we're such a threat to the leaders every faction conditions its members to think and act a certain way and most people do it for most people it's not hard to learn to find a pattern of thought that works and stay that way she touches my uninjured shoulder and smiles but our minds move in a dozen different directions we can't be confined to one way of thinking and that terrifies our leaders it means we can't be controlled and it means that no matter what they do we will always cause trouble for them i feel like someone breathed new air into my lungs i'm not Amnigation i'm not Dauntless i'm divergent and I can't be controlled "here they come," she says looking around the corner i peek over her shoulder and see a few dauntless with guns moving to the same beat heading toward us my mother looks back far behind us another group of dauntless run down the alley toward us moving in time with one another she grabs my hands and looks me in the eyes i watch her long eyelashes move as she blinks i wish I had something of hers in my small plain face but at least I have something of hers in my brain go to your father and brother the alley on the right down to the basement knock twice then three times then six times she cuffs my cheeks her hands are cold her palms are rough i'm going to distract them you have to run as fast as you can no i shake my head i'm not going anywhere without you she smiles be brave Beatrice i love you i feel her lips on my forehead and then she runs into the middle of the street she holds her gun above her head and fires three times into the air the Dauntless start running i sprint across the street and into the alley as I run I look over my shoulder to see if any Dauntless follow me but my mother fires into the crowd of guards and they're too focused on her to notice me i whip my head over my shoulder when I hear them fire back my feet falter and stop my mother stiffens her back arching blood surges from a wound in her abdomen dying her shirt crimson a patch of blood spreads over her shoulder i blink and the violet red stains of the inside of my eyelids i blink again and see her smile as she sweeps my hair trimmings into a pile she falls first to her knees her hands limp at her sides and then to the pavement she slump to the side like a ragd doll she's motionless and without breath i clamp my hand over my mouth and scream into my palm my cheeks are hot and wet with tears that I didn't feel beginning my blood cries out that it belongs to her and struggles to return to her and I hear her words in my mind as I run telling me to be brave pain stabs through me as everything I'm made of collapses my entire world dismantled in a moment the pavement scrapes my knees if I lie down now this is can all be done and maybe Eric was right and choosing death is like exploring an unknown uncertain place i feel Tobias brushing my hair back before the first simulation i hear him telling me to be brave i hear my mother telling me to be brave the dauntless soldiers turn as if moved by the same mind somehow I get up and start running i am brave chapter 36 three Dauntless soldiers pursue me they run in unison their footsteps echoing in the alley one of them fires and I dive scraping my palms on the ground the bullet hits the brick wall to my right and pieces of brick spray everywhere i throw myself around the corner and click a bullet into the chamber of my gun they killed my mother i point the gun into the alley and fire blindly it wasn't really them but it doesn't matter can't matter and just like death itself can't be real right now just one set of footsteps now i hold the gun out with both hands and stand at the end of the alley pointing at the dauntless soldier my finger squeezes the trigger but not hard enough to fire the man running toward me is not a man he's a boy a shaggy-haired boy with a crease between his eyebrows will dull-eyed and mindless but still will he stops running and mirrors me his feet planted and his gun up in an instant I see his finger poised over the trigger and hear the bullet slide into the chamber and I fire my eyes squeeze shut can't breathe the bullet hit him in the head i know because that's where I aimed it i turn around without opening my eyes and stumble away from the alley northern Fairfield i have to look at the street sign to see where I am but I can't read it my vision is blurred i blink a few times standing just a few yards away from the building that contains what's left of my family i kneel next to the door tobias would call me unwise to make any noise noise might attract dauntless soldiers i press my forehead to the wall and scream after a few seconds I clamp my hand over my mouth to muffle a sound and scream again a scream that turns into a sob the gun clatters to the ground i still see Will he smiles in my memory a curled lip straight teeth light in his eyes laughing teasing more alive in memory than I am in reality it was him or me i chose me but I feel dead too i pound on the door twice then three times then six times as my mother told me to i wipe the tears from my face this is the first time I will see my father since I left him and I don't want him to see me half collapsed and sobbing the door opens and Caleb stands in the doorway the sight of him stuns me he stares at me for a few seconds and then throws his arms around me his hand pressing to the wound in my shoulder i bite my lip to keep from crying out but a groin escapes me anyway and Caleb yanks back "but oh god are you shot?" "Let's go inside," I say weakly he drags his thumb under his eyes catching the moisture the door falls shut behind us the room is dimly lit but I see familiar faces former neighbors and classmates and my father's co-workers my father who stares at me like I've grown a second head marcus the sight of him makes me achech tobias no I won't do that i won't think of him how'd you know about this place caleb says "Did mom find you?" I nod i don't want to think about mom either my shoulder I say now that I'm safe the adrenaline that propelled me here is fading and the pain is getting worse i sink to my knees water drips from my clothes onto the cement floor a sob rises within me desperate for release and I choke it back a woman named Tessa who lived down the street from us rolls out a pallet she was married to a council member but I don't see him here he's probably dead someone else carries a lamp from one corner to the other so we have light caleb produces a first aid kit and Susan brings me a bottle of water there's no better place to need help than a room full of members of abnigation i glance at Caleb he's wearing gray again see him in the area compound feels like a dream now my father comes to me lifts my arm across his shoulders and helps me across the room why are you wet caleb says they try to drown me I say why are you here i did what you said what mom said i researched the simulation serum and found out that Janine was working to develop long-range transmitters for the serum so it signal could stretch further which led me to information about aridite and dauntless anyway I dropped out of initiation when I figured out what was happening i would have warned you but it was too late he says i'm factionless now no you aren't my father says sternly you're with us i kneel on the pallet and Caleb cuts a piece of my shirt away from my shoulder with a pair of medical scissors caleb peels the square of fabric away revealing first the abnigation tattoo on my right shoulder and second the three birds on my collarbone caleb and my father stare at both tattoos with the same look of fascination and shock but say nothing about them i lie on my stomach caleb squeezes my palm as my father gets the aneseptic from the first aid kit "have you ever taken a bullet out of someone before?" I ask a shaky laugh in my voice the things I know how to do might surprise you he replies a lot of things about my parents might surprise me i think of mom's tattoo and bite my lip this will hurt he says i don't see the knife go in but I feel it pain spreads through my body and I scream through gritted teeth crushing Caleb's hand over the screaming I hear my father ask me to relax my back tears run from the corners of my eyes and I do as he tells me the pain starts again and I feel the knife moving under my skin and I'm still screaming "got it," he says he drops something on the floor with a ding caleb looks at my father and then at me and then he laughs i haven't heard him laugh in so long that the sound makes me cry what's so funny i say sniffling i never thought I'd see us together again he says my father cleans the skin around my wound with something cold stitching time he says i nod he threads the needle like he's done it a thousand times one he says two three i clench my jaw and stay quiet this time of all the pain I've suffered today the pain of getting shot and almost drowning and taking a bullet out again the pain of finding and losing my mother and Tobias this is the easiest to bear my father finishes stitching my wound ties off the thread and covers the stitches with a bandage caleb helps me sit up and separates the hem of his two shirts pulling the long sleeve one over his head and offering it to me my father helps me guide my right arm through the shirt sleeve and I pull the rest over my head it's baggy and smells fresh smells like Caleb so my father says quietly "Where's your mother?" I look down i don't want to deliver this news i don't want to have this news to begin with she's gone I say she She saved me caleb closes his eyes and takes a deep breath my father looks momentarily stricken and then recovers himself averting his eyes glistening and nodding that's good he says sounding strained a good death if I speak right now I'll break down and I can't afford to do that so I just nod eric called Al's suicide brave and he was wrong my mother's death was brave i remember how calm she was how determined it isn't just brave that she died for me it's brave that she did it without announcing it without hesitation and without appearing to consider another option he helps me to my feet time to face the rest of the room my mother told me to save them because of that and because I'm dauntless it's my duty to lead now i have no idea how to bear that burden marcus gets up a vision of him whipping my arm with a belt rushes into my mind when I see him and my chest squeezes "we're only safe here for so long," Marcus says eventually "we need to get out of the city our best option is to go to the Amity compound in the hope that they'll take us in." "Do you know anything about the Dauntless strategy Beatrice will they stop fighting at night?" "It's not a dauntless strategy," I say this whole thing is masterminded by the aridite and it's not like they're giving orders not giving orders my father says what do you mean i mean I say 90% of the dauntless are sleepwalking right now they're in a simulation and they don't know what they're doing the only reason I'm not just like them is I hesitate on the word the mind control doesn't affect me mind control so they don't know that they're killing people right now my father asks me his eyes wide no that's awful marcus shakes his head his sympathetic tone sounds manufactured to me waking up and realizing what you've done the room goes quiet probably as all the abnigation imagine themselves in the place of dauntless soldiers and that's when it occurs to me we have to wake them up i say "What?" Marcus says if we wake the dauntless up they'll probably revolt when they realize what's going on i explain the Ariodite won't have an army the Abnigation will stop dying this will be over it won't be that simple my father says even without the Dauntless helping them the Ariodite will find another way to How are we supposed to wake them up marcus says "We find the computers that control the simulation and destroy the data." I say "The program everything." Easier said than done caleb says it could be anywhere we can't just appear at the Ariodite compound and start poking around it's I frown janine janine was talking about something important when Tobias and I came into her office important enough to hang up on someone you can't just leave it undefended and then when she was sending Tobias away sent him to the control room the control room where Tobias used to work with the Dauntless security monitors and the Dauntless computers it's at Dauntless headquarters I say it makes sense that's where all the data about the Dauntless is stored so why not control them from there i faintly register that I said them as of yesterday I technically became Dauntless but I don't feel like one and I'm not Abnigation either i guess I am what I've always been not Dauntless not abnigation not factionless divergent are you sure my father asks it's an informed guess I say and it's the best theory I have then we'll have to decide who goes and who continues on to Amity he says what kind of help do you need Beatatrice the question stuns me as does the expression he wears he looks at me like I'm up here he speaks to me like I'm up here either he has accepted that I'm now an adult or he's accepted that I'm no longer his daughter the latter is more likely and more painful anyone who can and will fire a gun I say and isn't afraid of heights chapter 37 ariodite and Dauntless forces are concentrated in the abnigation sector of the city so as long as we run away from the abnigation sector we're less likely to encounter difficulty i didn't get to decide who's coming with me caleb was the obvious choice since he knows the most about the aridite plan marcus insisted that he go despite my protests because he's good with computers and my father acted like his place was assumed from the beginning i watched the others run in the opposite direction towards safety toward Amity for a few seconds then I turn away toward the city toward the war we stand next to the railroad tracks which will carry us into danger "what time is it?" I ask Caleb he checks his watch "3:12 should be here any second," I say "will it stop?" he asks i shake my head it goes slowly through the city we'll run next to the car for a few feet and then climb inside jumping on train seems easy to me now natural it won't be as easy for the rest of them but we can't stop now i look over my left shoulder and see the headlights burning gold against the gray buildings and roads i bounce on the balls of my feet as the lights grow larger and larger and then the front of the train glides past me then I start jogging when I see an open car I pick up my pace to keep stride with it and grab the handle on the left swinging myself inside caleb jumps landing hard and rolling on his side to get in and he helps Marcus my father lands on his stomach pulling his legs in behind him they move away from the doorway but I stand on the edge with one hand on a handle watching the city pass if I were Janine I'd send the majority of Dauntless soldiers to the Dauntless entrance above the pit outside the glass building it would be smarter to go in the back entrance the one that requires jumping off a building i assume you not regret choosing Dauntless Marcus says i'm surprised my father didn't ask that question but he like me is watching the city the train passes the arid compound which is dark now it looks peaceful from a distance and inside those walls it probably is peaceful far removed from the conflict in the reality of what they've done i shake my head not even after your faction's leaders decided to join a plot to overthrow the government Marcus spits there were some things I needed to learn how to be brave my father says quietly how to be selfless i say often they're the same thing is that why you got Abnigation symbol tattooed on your shoulder caleb asks i'm almost sure that I see a smile in my father's eyes i smile faintly back and nod and Dauntless on the other the glass building above the pit reflects sunlight into my eyes i stand holding the handle next to the door for balance almost there when I tell you to jump I say you jump as far as you can jump Caleb asks we're seven stories up Tris onto a roof I add seeing the stunned look on his face I say that's why they call it a test of bravery half of bravery is perspective the first time I did this it was one of the hardest things I'd ever done now preparing to jump off a moving train is nothing because I've done more difficult things in the past few weeks than most people will in a lifetime and yet none of it compares to what I'm about to do in the Dauntless compound if I survive I will undoubtedly go on to do far more difficult things than even that like live without a faction something I never imagined possible dad you go I say stepping back so we can stand by the edge if he and Marcus go first I can time it so they have to jump the shortest distance hopefully Caleb and I can jump far enough to make it because we're younger it's a chance I have to take the train tracks curve and when they line up with the edge of the roof I shout "Jump!" My father bends his knees and launches himself forward i don't wait to see if he makes it i shove Marcus forward and shout "Jump!" My father lands on the roof so close to the edge that I gasp he sits down on the gravel and I push Caleb in front of me he stands at the edge of the train car and jumps without me having to tell him to i take a few steps back to give myself a running start and leap out of the car just as the train reaches the end of the roof for an instant I'm suspended in nothingness and then my feet slam into cement and I stumble to the side away from the roof's edge my knees ache and the impact shutters through my body making my shoulder throb i sit down breathing hard and look across the rooftop caleb and my father stand at the edge of the roof their hands around Marcus's arms he didn't make it but he hasn't fallen yet somewhere inside me a vicious voice chants "Fall fall fall." But he doesn't my father and Caleb haul them onto the roof i stand up brushing gravel off my pants the thought of what comes next has me preoccupied it's one thing to ask people to jump off a train but a roof the next part is why I asked about fear of heights I say walking to the edge of the roof i hear their shuffling footsteps behind me and step onto the ledge wind rushes up the side of the building and lifts my shirt from my skin i stare down at the hole in the ground seven stories below me then close my eyes as the air blows over my face there's a net at the bottom I say looking over my shoulder they look confused they haven't figured out what I'm asking them to do yet don't think I say just jump i turn and as I turn I lean back compromising my balance i drop like a stone my eyes closed one arm outstretched to feel the wind i relax my muscles as much as I can before I hit the net which feels like a slab of cement hitting my shoulder i grit my teeth and roll onto the edge grabbing the pole that supports the net and swing my leg over the side i land on my knees on the platform my eyes blurry with tears caleb yelps as the net curls around his body and then straightens i stand with some difficulty caleb I hiss over here breathing heavily Caleb crawls to the side of the net and drops over the edge hitting the platform hard wincing he pushes himself to his feet and stares at me his mouth open how many times have you done that he asked between breath twice now I say he shakes his head when my father hits the net Caleb helps him cross when he stands on the platform he leans and vomits over the side i descend the stairs and when I get to the bottom I hear Marcus hit the net with a groan the cavern is empty and the hallway stretch into darkness janine made it sound like there was no one left in the Dauntless compound except the soldiers she sent back to guard the computers if we can find Dauntless soldiers we can find the computers i look over my shoulder marcus stands on the platform white as a sheet but unharmed so this is the Dauntless compound says Marcus yes I say and and I never thought I'd get to see it he replies his hand skimming a wall no need to be so defensive Beatrice i never noticed how cold his eyes were before do you have a plan Beatric my father says yes and it's true i do though I'm not sure when I developed it i'm also not sure it'll work i can count on a few things there aren't many Dauntless in the compound the Dauntless aren't known for their subtlety and I'll do anything to stop them we walk down the hallway that leads to the pit which is stripped with lights every 10 ft when we walk into the first patch of light I hear a gunshot and drop to the ground someone must have seen us i crawl into the next dark patch the spark from the gun flashed across the room by the door that leads to the pit everyone okay i ask yes my father says stay here then i run to the side of the room the lights protrude from the wall so directly beneath each one is a slit of shadow i small enough to hide in it if I turn to the side I can creep along the edge of the room and surprise whatever guard is shooting at us before he gets the chance to fire a bullet into my brain maybe one of the things I thank Dauntless for is the preparedness that eliminates my fear whoever's there a voice shouts surrender your weapons and put your hands up i turn to the side and press my back to the stone wall i shuffle quickly sideways one foot crossing over the other squinting to see through the semi darkness another gunshot fires into silence i reach the last light and stand for a moment in shadow letting my eyes adjust i can't win a fight but if I can move fast enough I won't have to fight my footsteps light i walk toward the guard who stands by the door a few yards away I realize that I know that dark hair always gleams even in relative darkness and I know that long nose with a narrow bridge it's Peter cold slips over my skin and around my heart and into the pit of my stomach his face is tense he isn't a sleepwalker he looks around but his eyes search the air above me and beyond me judging by his silence he does not intend to negotiate with us he will kill us without question i lick my lips sprint the last few steps and thrust the heel of my hand up the blow connects with his nose and he shouts bringing both hands up to cover his face my body jolts with nervous energy and as his eyes squint I kick him in the groin he drops to his knees his gun clattering to the ground i grab it and press the barrel to the top of his head "how are you awake?" I demand he lifts his head and I click the bullet into its chamber raising an eyebrow at him the Dauntless leaders they evaluated my records and removed me from the simulation he says "Because they figured out that you already have a murderous tendency and wouldn't mind killing a few hundred people while conscious." I say "Makes sense i'm not murderous i never knew a cander who was such a liar." I tap the gun against his skull where are the computers that control the simulation Peter you won't shoot me people tend to overestimate my character I say quietly they think because I'm small or a girl or a stiff I can't possibly be cruel but they're wrong i shift the gun three inches to the left and fire at his arm his screams fill the hallway blood spurts from the wound and he screams again pressing his forehead to the ground i shift the gun back to his head ignoring the pang of guilt in my chest now that you realize your mistake I say I'll give you another chance to tell me what I need to know before I shoot you somewhere worse another thing I can count on peter's not selfless he turns his head and focuses a bright eye on me his teeth close over his lower lip and his breath shake on the way out and on the way in and on the way out again they're listening he spits if you don't kill me they will the only way I'll tell you is if you get me out of here what take me with you he says wincing you want me to take you i say the person who tried to kill me with me i do he groans if you expect to find out what you need to know it feels like a choice but it isn't every minute that I waste staring at Peter thinking about how he haunts my nightmares and the damage he did to me another dozen Amnigation members die at the hands of the brain deadad Dauntless Army fine I say almost choking on the word fine i hear footsteps behind me holding the gun steady I look over my shoulder my father and the others walk toward us my father takes off his long sleeve shirt he wears a gray t-shirt beneath it he crouches next to Peter and loops the fabric around his arm tying it tightly as he presses the fabric to the blood running down Peter's arm he looks up at me and says "Was it really necessary to shoot him?" I don't answer sometimes pain is for the greater good says Marcus calmly in my head I see him standing before Tobias with a belt in hand and hear his voice echo this is for your own good i look at him for a few seconds does he really believe that it sounds like something the Dauntless would say let's go I say get up Peter you want him to walk caleb demands are you insane did I shoot him in the leg i say no he walks where do we go Peter caleb helps Peter to his feet the glass building he says wincing eighth floor he leads the way through the door i walk into the roar of the river and the blue glow of the pit which is emptier now than I've ever seen it before i scan the wall searching for signs of life but I see no movement and no figure standing in the darkness i keep my gun in hand and start toward the path that leads to the glass ceiling the emptiness makes me shiver it reminds me of the endless field in my crow nightmares "what makes you think you have the right to shoot someone?" my father says as he follows me up the path we pass the tattoo place "where's Tori now and Christina now isn't the time for debates about ethics I say now is the perfect time he says because you will soon get the opportunity to shoot someone again and if you don't realize what I say without turning around that every second I waste means another abnigation dead and another dauntless made into a murderer i've realized that now it's your turn there's a right way to do things what makes you so sure that you know what it is i say please stop fighting caleb interrupts his voice chining we have more important things to do right now i keep climbing my cheeks hot a few months ago I would not have dared to snap at my father a few hours ago I might not have done it either but something changed when they shot my mother when they took Tobias I hear my father huff and puff over the sound of rushing water i forgot that he's older than I am that his frame can no longer tolerate the weight of his body before I ascend the metal stairs that will carry me above the glass ceiling I wait in darkness and watch the light cast on the pit walls by the sun i watch until a shadow shifts over the sunlight wall and count until the next shadow appears the guards make their rounds every minute and a half stand for 20 seconds and then move on there are men with guns up there when they see me they will kill me if they can i tell my father quietly i search his eyes should I let them he stares at me for a few seconds go he says and God help you i climb the stairs carefully stopping just before my head emerges i wait watching the shadows move and when one of them stops I step up point my gun and shoot the bullet does not hit the guard it shatters the window behind him i fire again and duck as bullets hit the floor around me with a ding thank god the glass ceiling is bulletproof or the glass would break and I would fall to my death one guard down i breathe deeply and put just my hand over the ceiling looking through the glass to see my target i tilt the gun back and fire at the guard running toward me the bullet hits him in the arm luckily it's his shooting arm because he drops his gun and it skids across the floor my body shaking I launch myself through the hole in the ceiling and snaps the fallen gun before he can get to it a bullet whizzes past my head so close to hitting me that it moves my hair eyes wide I fling my right arm over my shoulder forcing a searing pain through my body and fire three times behind me by some miracle one of the bullets hits a guard and my eyes water uncontrollably from the pain in my shoulder i just rip my stitches i'm sure of it another guard stands across from me i lie flat on my stomach and point both guns at him my arms resting on the floor i stare into the black pinprint that is his gun barrel then something surprising happens he jerks his chin to the side telling me to go he must be divergent "all clear," I shout the guard ducks in the fear landscape room and he's gone slowly I get to my feet holding my right arm against my chest i have tunnel vision i'm running along this path and I will not be able to stop will not be able to think of anything until I reach the end i hand one gun to Caleb and slide the other one under my belt i think you and Marcus should stay here with him I say jerking my head toward Peter he'll just slow us down make sure no one comes after us i hope he doesn't understand what I'm doing keeping him here so he stays safe even though he would gladly give his life for this if I go up into the building I probably won't come back down the best I can hope for is to destroy the simulation before someone kills me when did I decide on this suicide mission why wasn't it more difficult i can't stay here while you go up there and risk your life says Caleb i need you to I say peter sinks to his knees his face glistens with sweat for a second I almost feel bad for him but then I remember Edward and the itch of fabric over my eyes as my attackers blindfolded me and my sympathy is lost to hatred caleb eventually nods i approach one of the fallen guards and take his gun keeping my eyes away from the injury that killed him my head pounds i haven't eaten i haven't slept i haven't sobbed or screamed or even paused for a moment i bite my lip and push myself toward the elevators on the right side of the room level eight once the elevator doors close I lean the side of my head against the glass and listen to the beeps i glance at my father thank you for protecting Caleb my father says "Beatric I The elevator reaches the eighth floor and the doors open two guards stand ready with guns in hand their faces blank my eyes widen and I drop to my belly on the ground as the shots go off i hear bullets strike glass the guards slump to the ground one alive and one groaning the other fading fast my father stands above them his gun still held out from his body i stumbled to my feet guards run down the hallway on the left judging by the synchronicity of their footsteps they're controlled by the simulation i could run down the right hallway but if the guards came from the left hallway that's where the computers are i drop to the ground between the guards my father just shot and lie as still as I can my father jumps out of the elevator and sprints down the right hallway drawing the dauntless guards after him i clap my hand over my mouth to keep from screaming at him that hallway will end i try to bury my head so I don't see it but I can't i peer over the fallen guard's back my father fires over his shoulder at the guards pursuing him but he's not as fast one of them fires at his stomach and he groans so loud I can almost feel it in my chest he clutches his gut his shoulders hitting the wall and fires again and again the guards are under the simulation they keep moving even when the bullets hit them keep moving until their hearts stop but they don't reach my father blood spills over his hand and the color drains from his face another shot and the last guard is down dad I say i mean for it to be a shout but it's just a weeze he slumps to the ground our eyes meet like the yards between us or nothing his mouth opens like he's about to say something but then his chin drops to his chest and his body relaxes my eyes burn and I'm too weak to rise the scent of sweat and blood makes me feel sick i want to rest my head on the ground and let that be the end of it i want to sleep now and never wake but what I said to my father before was right for every second that I waste another Abnigation member dies there's only one thing left for me in the world now and it's to destroy the simulation i push myself up and run down the hallway turning right at the end there's only one door ahead i open it the opposite wall is made up of entirely of screens each a foot tall and a foot wide there are dozens of them each one showing a different part of the city the fence the hub the streets of the Abnigation sector now crawling with dauntless soldiers the ground level of the building below us where Caleb Marcus and Peter wait for me to return it's a wall of everything I've ever seen everything I've ever known one of the screens has a line of code on it instead of an image it breezes past faster than I can read it's the simulation the code already compiled a complicated list of commands that anticipate and address a thousand different outcomes in front of the screen is a chair and a desk sitting in the chair is a dauntless soldier tobias I say chapter 38 tobias's head turns and his dark eyes shift to me his eyebrows draw in he stands he looks confused he raises his gun drop your weapon he says tobias I say you're in a simulation drop your weapon he repeats or I'll fire janine said he didn't know me janine also said that the simulation made Tobias's friends into enemies he'll shoot me if he has to i set my gun down at my feet drop your weapon shouts Tobias i did I say a little voice in my head sings that he can't hear me he can't see me he doesn't know me tongues of flame press behind my eyes i can't just stand here and let him shoot me i run at him grabbing his wrist i feel his muscles shift as he pinches the trigger and duck my head just in time the bullet hits the wall behind me gasping I kick him in the ribs and twist his wrist to the side as hard as I can he drops the gun i can't beat Tobias in a fight i know that already but I have to destroy the computer i dive for the gun but before I can touch it he grabs me and wrenches me to the side i stare into his dark conflicted eyes for an instant before he punches me in the jaw my head jerks to the side and I cringe away from him flinging my hands up to protect my face i can't fall i can't fall or he'll kick me that'll be worse that'll be much worse i kick the gun back with my heels so he can't grab it and ignoring the throbbing in my jaw kick him in the stomach he catches my foot and pulls me down so I fall on my shoulder the pain makes my vision go black at the edges i stare up at him he pulls his foot back like he's about to kick me and I roll onto my knees stretching my arm out for the gun i don't know what I'll do with it i can't shoot him i can't shoot him i I can't he's in there somewhere he grabs me by my hair and yanks me to the side i reach back and grab his wrist but he's too strong my forehead smacks into the wall he's in there somewhere tobias I say did his grip falter i twist and kick back my heel hitting him in the leg when my hair slips through his fingers I dive with the gun and my fingertips close around the cool metal i flip over onto my back and point the gun at him tobias I say i know you're in there somewhere but if he was he probably wouldn't start toward me like he's about to kill me for certain this time my head throbs i stand tobias please i'm begging i'm pathetic tears make my face hot please see me he walks toward me his movements dangerous fast powerful the gun shakes in my hands please see me Tobias please even when he scowls his eyes look thoughtful and I remember how his mouth curled when he smiled i can't kill him i'm not sure if I love him not sure if that's why but I'm sure of what he would do if our positions were reversed i'm sure that nothing is worth killing him for i've done this before in my fear landscape with a gun in my hand and a voice shouting at me to fire at the people I love i volunteered to die instead that time but I can't imagine how that would help me now but I just know I know what the right thing to do is my father says it used to say that there's power in self-sacrifice i turn the gun in my hands and press it into Tobias's palm he pushes the barrel into my forehead my tears have stopped and the air feels cold as it touches my cheeks i reach out and rest my hand on his chest so I can feel his heartbeat at least his heartbeat is still him the bullet clicks into the chamber maybe it'll be as easy to let him shoot me as it was in the fear landscape as it is in my dreams maybe it'll just be a bang and the lights will lift and I'll find myself in another world i stand still and wait can I be forgiven for all I've done to get here i don't know i don't know please chapter 39 the shot doesn't come he stares at me with the same ferocity but doesn't move why doesn't he shoot me his heart pounds against my palm and my own heart lifts he's divergent he can fight the simulation any simulation tobias I say it's me i step forward and wrap my arms around him his body is stiff his heart beats faster i can feel it against my cheek a thought against my cheek a thought as the gun hits the floor he grabs my shoulders too hard his fingers digging into my skin where the bullet was i cry out as he pulls me back maybe he means to kill me in some cruer way tris he says and it's him again his mouth collides with mine his arm wraps around me and he lifts me up holding me against him his hands clutching at my back his face and the back of his neck are slick with sweat his body shaking and my shoulder blades with pain but I don't care i don't care i don't care he sets me down and stares at me his fingers brushing over my forehead my eyebrows my cheeks my lips something like a sob and a sigh and a moan escapes him and he kisses me again his eyes are bright with tears i never thought I'd see Tobias cry it makes me hurt i pull myself to his chest and cry into his shirt all the throbbing in my head comes back and the ache in my shoulder and I feel like my body weight doubles i lean against him and he supports me how'd you do it i say i don't know he says i just heard your voice after a few seconds I remember why I'm here i pull back and wipe my cheeks with the heels of my hands and turn toward the screens again i see one that overlooks the drinking fountain tobias was so paranoid when I was railing against Dauntless there he kept looking at the wall above the fountain now I know why tobias and I stand there for a while and I think I know what he's thinking because I'm thinking it too how can something so small control so many people was I running the simulation he says i don't know if you were running it so much as monitoring it I say it's already complete i have no idea how but Janine made it so it could work on its own he shakes his head it's incredible terrible evil but incredible i see movement on one of the screens and see my brother Marcus and Peter standing on the first floor of the building surrounding them are Dauntless soldiers all in black all carrying weapons tobias I say tursly now he runs to the computer screen and taps it a few times with his finger i can't look at what he's doing all I can see is my brother he holds the gun I gave him straight out from his body like he's ready to use it i bite my lip don't shoot tobias presses the screen a few more times typing in letters that make no sense to me don't shoot i see a flash of light a spark from one of the guns and gasp my brother and Marcus and Peter crouch on the ground with their arms over their heads after a moment they all stir so I know they're still alive and the Dauntless soldiers advance a cluster of black around my brother tobias I say he presses the screen again and everyone on the first floor goes still their arms drop to their sides and then the dauntless move their heads turn from side to side and they drop their guns and their mouths move like they're shouting and they shove each other and some of them sink to their knees holding their heads and rocking back and forth back and forth all the tension in my chest unravels and I sit down keeping a sigh tobias crouches next to the computer and pulls a side of the case off i have to get the data he says or they'll just start the simulation again i watch the frenzy on the screen it's the same frenzy that must be happening on the streets i scan the screens one by one looking for one that shows the abnigation sector of the city there's only one it's at the far end of the room on the bottom the dauntless on that screen are firing at one another shoving one another screaming chaos black clothed men and women drop to the ground people sprint in every direction got it says Tobias holding up the computer's hard drive it's a piece of metal about the size of his palm he offers it to me and I shove it in my back pocket we have to leave I say getting to my feet i point at the screen on the right yes we do he wraps his arm across my shoulders come on we walk together down the hallway and around the corner the elevator reminds me of my father i can't stop myself from looking for his body it's on the floor next to the elevator surrounded by the bodies of several guards a strangled scream escapes me i turn away baile leaps into my throat and I throw up against the wall for a second I feel like everything inside me is breaking and I crouch by a body breathing through my mouth so I don't smell the blood i clap my hand over my mouth to contain a sob five more seconds 5 seconds of weakness and then I get up 1 2 3 4 5 I'm not really aware of my surroundings there's an elevator in a glass room in a rush of cold air there's a shouting crowd of dauntless soldiers dressed in black i search for Caleb's face but it's nowhere nowhere until we leave the glass building and step out into sunlight caleb runs to me when I walk through the doors and I fall against him he holds me tightly dad he says i just shake my head well he says almost choked on the word he would have wanted it that way over Caleb's shoulder I see Tobias stop in the middle of a footstep his entire body goes rigid as his eyes focus on Marcus in the rush to destroy the simulation I forgot to warn him marcus walks up to Tobias and wraps his arms around his son tobias stays frozen his arms at his sides and his face blank i watch as Adam's apple bob up and down and his eyes lift to the ceiling son sigh Marcus tobias winces hey I say pulling away from Caleb i remember the belt stinging on my wrist and Tobias's fear landscape and slip into the space between them pushing Marcus back hey get away from him i feel Tobias's breaths against my neck they come in sharp bursts stay away I hiss beatatrice what are you doing ask Caleb tris Tobias says marcus gives me a scandalized look that seems false to me his eyes are too wide and his mouth is too open if I could find a way to smack that look off his face I would not all those Ariodite articles were full of lies I say narrowing my eyes at Marcus what are you talking about marcus says quietly i don't know what you've been told Beatrice but the only reason I haven't shot you yet is because he's the one who should get to do it I say stay away from him or I'll decide I no longer care tobias's hands slip around my arms and squeeze marcus' eyes stay on mine for a few seconds and I can't help but see them as black pits like they were in Tobias's fear landscape then he looks away we have to go Tobias says unsteadsy the train should be here any second we walk over unyielding ground toward the train tracks tobias's jaws clench and he stares straight ahead i feel a twinge of regret maybe I should have let him deal with his father on his own sorry I mutter you have nothing to be sorry for he replies taking my hand his fingers are still shaking if we take the train in the opposite direction out of the city instead of in we can get to Amity headquarters I say that's where the others went what about Cander my brother asks what do you think they'll do i don't know how Cander will respond to the attack they wouldn't side with Ariodite they would never do something that underhanded but they may not fight the Ariodite either we stand next to the tracks for a few minutes before the train comes eventually Tobias picks me up because I'm dead on my feet and I lean my head into his shoulder taking deep breaths of his skin since he saved me from the attack I've associated a smell with safety so as long as I focus on it I feel safe now the truth is I will not feel safe as long as Peter and Marcus are with us i try not to look at them but I feel their presence like I would feel a blanket over my face the cruelty of fate is that I must travel with the people I hate and the people I love are dead behind me dead are waking as murderers where are Christine and Tori now wandering the streets pleaded with guilt for what they've done or turning guns on the people who forced them to do it or are they already dead too i wish I knew at the same time I hope I'll never find out if she's still alive Christina will find Will's body and if she sees me again her cander trained eyes will see that I'm the one who killed him i know it i know it and the guilt strangles me and crushes me so I have to forget it i make myself forget it the train comes and Tobias sets me down so I can jump on i jog a few steps next to the car and then throw my body to the side landing on my left arm i wiggle my body inside and sit against the wall caleb sits across from me and Tobias sits next to me forming a barrier between my body and Marcus and Peter my enemies his enemies the train turns and I see the city behind us it'll get smaller and smaller until we see where the tracks end the forest and fields I last saw when I was too young to appreciate them the kindness of Amity will comfort us for a while then we can't stay there forever soon the aridite and the corrupt Dauntless leaders will look for us and we'll have to move on tobias pulls me against him we bend our knees and our heads so that we're enclosed together in a room of our own making unable to see those who trouble us our breath mixing on the way in and the way out my parents I say they died today even though I said it and even though I know it's true it doesn't feel real they died for me I say that feels important they loved you he replies to them there was no better way to show you i nod and my eyes follow the line of his jaw you nearly died today he says i almost shot you why didn't you shoot me Tris i couldn't do that I say it would have been like shooting myself he looks pained and leans closer to me so his lips brush mine when he speaks i have something to tell you he says i run my fingers along the tendons in his hand and look back at him i might be in love with you he smiles a little i'm waiting until I'm sure to tell you though that's sensible of you I say smiling too we should find some paper so you can make a list or a chart or something i feel his laughter against my side his nose sliding along my jaw his lips pressing behind my ear maybe I'm already sure he says i just don't want to frighten you i laugh a little then you should know better fine he says then I love you i kiss him as the train slides into unlit uncertain land i kiss him for as long as I want for longer than I should given that my brother sits 3 ft away from me i reach into my pocket and take out the hard drive that contains the simulation data i turn it in my hands letting it catch the fading light and reflect it marcus' eyes cling greedily to the movement not safe I think not quite i clutch the hard drive to my chest lean my head on Tobias's shoulder and try to sleep abnigation and Dauntless are both broken their members scattered we're like the factionless now i do not know what life will be like separated from a faction it feels disengaged like a leaf divided from the tree that gives us sustenance we're creatures of loss we've left everything behind i have no home no path and no certainty i'm no longer Tris the selfless or Tris the brave i suppose that now I must become more than either