Thank you. I need you guys to know something. I'll tell you the truth, and don't get freaked out.
This is gonna be my last special for a minute. It's all good. It's all good. Listen, listen to me. I did it in Detroit for that reason.
That's right. You wanna know why? Because I talked so much shit about Detroit in the first special, I figured I might as well do the last special here. Sorry about that, by the way. First of all, before I even start, I want to say that I'm rich and famous.
And the only reason I say that is because the last 17 months were hell and I cannot imagine what everybody went through, but I'm happy to see you and I'm happy you're well and I hope everyone you love is okay. I don't want you to worry about me, I'm vaccinated. I got the Johnson & Johnson vaccine. I gotta admit, that's probably the most niggerish decision I've made in a long time. I walk in the doctor like, give me the third best option.
I'll have what the homeless people are having. So far, so good. I know you probably heard on the news, I did, I did get coronavirus. And it was something that was like, okay, first of all, when the doctor told me I had coronavirus, I gotta tell you, I was surprised how it made me feel. I felt dirty.
I felt gross. Because I had been walking around Texas, just touching doorknobs and shit, hands all moist. Tipping niggas with cash?
Here, take this to your family! I must have killed thousands of people Just trying to get tonight's show together. So I hope you appreciate it cuz a lot of niggas dying for me to get this one off I haven't felt that dirty in a long time Last time I can remember feeling dirty like that, man, I must have been a little boy. I was being molested by a preacher.
I don't feel bad for me. I liked it. I used to get a kick out of coming in that fella's face.
Well, he asked me to do it. They make a quarantine. I had to quarantine for 10 days at least. You're gonna have to stay in the room. I didn't go nowhere.
And it started making me nuts because I would just sit in the room and watch videos all day. Now, you know what I was watching? And I hate to say this, but there was a lot of videos.
sadly of black people beating up Asians for no reason all these attacks were unprovoked I couldn't believe it and I was sitting in the room watching this shit it was stressing me out I was stressed already because the whole time when you get coronavirus at least the first five days you wait see how sick you're gonna get and it turns out and this is true I didn't get sick at all Not a cough, not a booger, not a fever, nothing. Look at me. I am the Magic Johnson of coronavirus.
I just sat in the crib and got stronger all week. But I was stressed because I kept watching these videos of my beloved black people beating up my beloved Asian people and being so cruel And the whole time I watched those videos this is fucked up But I couldn't help but feel like when I saw these brothers beating these Asians up It's probably what's happening inside of my body. I Didn't get sick I also saw a lot of videos of UFOs. I mean what the fuck has been going on with that shit?
These niggas are here. These UFOs keep coming to earth and it made me think of an idea. ...idea for a movie. Sounds dumb, but hear me out.
In my movie idea, we find out that these aliens are originally from Earth. That they're from an ancient civilization that achieved interstellar travel and left the Earth. Thousands of years ago, some other planet they go to and things go terrible for them in the other planet. So they come back to Earth, decide that they want to claim the Earth for their very own. It's a pretty good plot line, huh?
I call it space Jews. Space Jews. Alright, it's gonna get worse than that. Hang in there. It's gonna get way worse than that.
Then I thought of an idea for a children's book. I actually wrote it. It's coming out soon.
The book is designed to help parents teach their children about racism, which, if you're a parent you know, is an impossible concept to teach to a child. But I'm doing it. The book is about a big, strong, beautiful black man with a benign, regular-ass white name.
And he has a white speaking voice. So whenever this motherfucker calls to get a reservation at a restaurant, oh he gets the reservation. That name and that voice, who could resist them? Now I should tell you this black man is literally an actual giant and he's a strong dude.
And when he shows up to them restaurants they see that big giant black dude they say you can't come in here and and they call the police. And in every installment of the book, the police come and they always shoot him. But remember, no, no, remember, this guy is a giant.
These bullets don't kill him. They don't even hurt him. They just break his heart. It's called Clifford the Big Black Nigger. This is my last special because I have an objective tonight.
I came here tonight... Because this body of work that I've done on Netflix, I'm going to complete all the questions you might have had about all these jokes I've said in the last few years, I hope to answer tonight. And I'd like to start by addressing the LBGTQ community director.
And I want every member of that community to know that I come here the night in peace. And I hope to negotiate the release of DaBaby. Sad, sad, sad story. DaBaby was the number one streaming artist until about a couple weeks ago. We took a nasty spill on stage and said some, uh, said some wild stuff about the LBGTQ community, uh, during a concert in Florida.
Uh, now you know I go hard in the paint, but even I saw that shit and was like, god damn the baby. Ooh, he pushed the button, didn't he? He pushed the button. Punched the LBGTQ community right in the heads. Can't do that.
Can't do that. But I do believe, and I'll make this point later, that the kid made a very egregious mistake. I will acknowledge that.
But, you know, a lot of the LBGTQ community doesn't know the baby's history. He's a wild guy. He once shot a nigga and killed him in Walmart. Oh, this is true. Google it.
The baby shot and killed a nigga in Walmart in North Carolina. Nothing bad happened to his career. Do you see where I'm going with this?
In our country, you can shoot and kill a nigga. But you better not hurt a gay person's feelings. And this is precisely the disparity that I wish to discuss.
I have a question for the audience. And this is a real question, I'm not joking around. Is it possible that a gay person can be racist?
Do you really think so? Of course it's possible. Look at Mike Pence. Oh, I'm guessing, but I bet you he's gay. And he's not pride parade gay either.
He's... He's sad gay. I feel bad for him. He looks like one of them gays that prays about it. Jesus, please take these dirty feelings out of my heart.
Please, Jesus, make these buttholes ugly to me. I wanna keep on tasting these dicks! You guys are confusing the emotions. You think I hate gay people and what you're really seeing is that I am jealous of gay people. Oh I'm jealous.
I'm not the only black person that feels this way. We blacks we look at the gay community we go god dammit look how well that movement is going. Look how well you are doing.
And we've been trapped in this predicament for hundreds of years. How the fuck are you making that kind of progress? I can't help but feel like if slaves had baby oil and booty shorts, we might have been free a hundred years sooner, you know what I mean?
If Martin Luther King was like, I want everybody to get up on their floats. Get your bodies good and shiny. I don't hate gay people at all.
I respect the shit out of you. Well, not all of you. I'm not that fond of these newer gays.
Too sensitive. Too brittle. Those aren't the gays I grew up with.
I miss them old school gays, nigga. Them stonewall niggas. Them the ones that I respect. They didn't take shit from anybody.
They fought for their freedom. I respect that shit. I'm not even gay. And I wanna be like a stonewall nigga.
Them old school gangster gays. Them gory hole niggas. Them the ones I like. These new gays don't even know what the glory hole is.
It's a hole in the wall the gay contractors build. You wanna know why they put that hole in the wall? I'll tell you, and there's no nice way to say it. Cause when they wanna have some fun, they will put their penises in that hole. And hope for the best.
I respect that shit. It's a lot of courage on both sides of that hole, nigga. I'm not even gay.
And I want to try that glory hole out. What if Martin Luther King had to integrate the glory hole? I don't care if it's black lips back there or white lips back there.
A mouth is a mouth. A warm, wet mouth. I'm going all the way.
I got in a fight, almost got in a fight, it's complicated. I was in a bar in Austin with my wife and it was during COVID and a woman came to our table and she was maskless. And this bitch came over, no mask, all H words. Hi, how are you?
Droplets was coming out of this bitch's face. We all covered our drinks. Oh, bitch, what are you doing?
Now I looked over at the table that she came from and I peeped game. The men at the table were filming me. This happens when you're famous.
People will come over and try to rattle your cage and get you to say something stupid or dumb so that their buddies can film it and they get a video of you embarrassing yourself. And clearly I said, this is what's happening. And these dumb motherfuckers thought that it was my first rodeo.
Sadly it worked. I ran right over there. I pointed right in the camera.
I said you's a bitch-ass nigga for doing this to me. And the dude was shocked that I said it. He said, and when he did like this I seen all his fingernails was painted and I realized like uh-oh. This fella's gay. Now, you know how I talk.
I call everybody a bitch-ass nigga, you know what I mean? But that's not a right thing to do if they're gay, you know what I mean? And now I was in trouble.
And not only that, the motherfucker was huge. He stood up. He was towering over me.
He must have been 6'5", a big, white, corn-fed, Texas homosexual. This nigga was ready to fight. And he started barking on me, but I stood my ground. I wasn't scared. How could I be scared? This motherfucker's shirt was tied up in a knot like this. Fuck this guy. Let's go, nigga, let's go! I thought we were gonna come to blows. I was ready. I was ready. And then, and then, right when you think we would fight, guess what he did? He picked up his phone, and he called the police. And this, this thing I'm describing is a major issue that I have with that community. Gay people are minorities until they need to be white again. I'm being very brutally honest so we can solve this problem. I'm telling you right now, a black gay person would have never done that to me. Because a black gay person knows when the police shows up, they're not gonna care who called them. They don't show up like, which one of you niggas is Clifford? We're all Clifford. This happens far too often. Another time, about six years ago, there was a lesbian woman that tried to sell a story about me to TMZ. Thank goodness TMZ could see right through the sham of that story. This woman claimed that I beat her up in a nightclub because she was a lesbian. That is fucking crazy. Bitch, I didn't even know you was a woman. Thank God TMZ didn't believe that. Because I did beat the shit out of her, I'm not gonna lie. It was her fault. I had no choice. I came in the club minding my own business and a woman came up to me. She goes, oh my god, Dave Chappelle. And I was just being reciprocally nice. Hey miss, how are you? Blah blah blah. Nothing to it and all of a sudden this lesbian fella stepped between us Hey nigga, that's my girl. I said yo, yo my man back up like that She said I ain't backing up off shit nigga. That's my girl. I said bro. You're gonna have to give me three feet like this She said stop calling me a man motherfucker. I'm a woman. I said what? And then I looked deep in this niggas cheekbones. I said oh my god you are a woman It's just too much for me to even wrap my mind around, but I tell you what, I unballed my fist immediately and I softened my posture so that she would know she's in no danger. I even changed the tone of my voice. I said softly, sweetly, like a pimp might say. Bitch, I'm about to slap the shit out of you. I should have done it. Oh, I wish I didn't say that. She dropped that foot back, BOO! She was in a perfect Southpaw stance. Her shoulders were angled correctly, her head movement was good. I said, oh no! This bitch box is for real! She threw a wild hook at me, and I saw it coming from yesterday, so I slipped it like this. Psh! I had no choice. I had to go to work. I let that jab go, you should've seen me go, nigga. I tenderized them titties like chicken cutlets. I whooped the toxic masculinity out of that bitch. That's why I don't go out no more. Just trying to chill. I'm just trying to live a peaceful life. That's why I live in Ohio. You know, I live in a little town in Ohio. Must be like 3,700 people. Small hippie town. Culturally, it might feel like... like Ann Arbor to you. You know what I mean? Bunch of hippies and shit like that. And niggas always ask me, like, Dave, why you live in that hippie town? And I be embarrassed to tell them the truth. But you know why I live there? Because Yellow Springs, Ohio has the most beautiful women in the world. And a lot of people might disagree with me, but you gotta see them for yourself. They're gorgeous. But it all depends on what you're into. You know what I mean? I like white bitches with dirty feet. If I had a strip club in Yellow Springs, I would call that shit strippies. All naked hippies all the time. And I'd only hire girls with long titties and long vagina hair that looks like they slept on it. And I would keep a pile of dirt right next to the stage. I'd come up like, bitch, get your feet in that dirt and get up there and give those people what they came to see. Chalk up, bitch. A couple years ago I was in Ohio at a shopping mall. An old white lady, this is true, she was following me around the mall, which sounds paranoid, but I'm sure she was following me. Mean lady too. You ever see a woman with lines on her face that just tell you, like even if she smiled it looked like it would hurt? the muscles in her face. I knew she was following me because she was at places that had nothing to do with her. I'd be looking around like, what is this old bitch doing in GameStop and Foot Lock and all the places I like to go? Every time I see her, she'd just be looking at me, oh, man. And eventually I forgot about her. So then after I'm shopping, I go all the way to the back of the parking lot. I'm parked all the way in the back. And as soon as I open my car door, I hear a voice go, David Chappelle. Just like that. I didn't even have to look. I knew it was her. And I look back and sure enough, there she was, that face. To be honest with you, she probably wasn't even that old. She's probably around my age. But she was a white woman. This bitch looked terrible. Going all the way. Kept my cool. I was nice. I said, hello, miss. And she didn't say anything back. All she said was, I watch your comedy. I said, uh-oh. And then she says, it's true, she goes, sounds to me like you hate women. I said, well, you know what, miss? It's art. And you're free to interpret this art however you'd like, but I can tell you, as the maker of this art, that I don't believe that I feel that way. And she said, well, I think, and I said, shut up, bitch! Shut the fuck up! Before I kill you and put you in the trunk, ain't nobody around here. I'm just kidding I didn't say that. I felt that way but that's not what I said. I was more clever than that. You know what I said? And this is exactly what I said. I said, Miss, before you finish that statement let me ask you a question. Where'd you see me? Did you buy a ticket to a concert I did? I doubt that. Or, or, or maybe you watched one of my shows. of my specials on Netflix or or did I follow you to your car and do my act she said what I said keep it in the comment section bitches real life ta ta and then I drove off Now I gotta tell you, and this is gonna surprise some people here, but not everybody. People say things to me all the time, but what you don't know is it does affect me. I think about it. And that one bothered me a lot. I was driving home, couldn't stop thinking about what this woman said, because she's not the first woman that said that to me. It's puzzling. You know what I mean? Like, what could I possibly be saying that would make these bitches think I hate women? Couldn't figure it out. So you know what I did? I googled the dictionary definition of a feminist just to make sure I was talking about the right thing. And do you know, sir, what the dictionary definition of a feminist is? I didn't either. Listen to this. Webster's defines a feminist as a human being, not a woman, a human being that believes in equal rights for women. I'm shocked that that's what that meant, because by that definition, I would consider myself a feminist. And I didn't even know that at the time. All these years, I thought it meant... Frumpy Dyke. Well that's who's always talking to me, some... Chicken overalls. Men are trying to rape us! Ah, not you bitch, we please.