[Music] all right you guys Jesus's birthday party is going to be epic hey since it's also Christmas maybe we could make it like a Christmas theme what about secret santa that's always fun okay but $5 limit why don't we just say no gifts come on guys we don't have to make such a big thing about it it's not like I'm a woman who's about to turn 30 you guys I don't care what we do for my birthday as long as it lasts the whole week and it's very expensive and inconvenient for all my friends oh and I'm going to dress like a [ __ ] and be rude to everyone for no reason but Maya I don't care that you're down dying we're all going to Montreal for the week hold on if we're planning a party we haven't even talked about the most important thing a hydration plan for people who overheat it could be as simple as an ice bath no no I'm talking about women oh yeah we definitely need some women here Jesus what kind of girls do you like women uh all types I guess all types come on Jesus even Martin Lawrence when he used to dress up like shenan shenan no you know what I mean uh like uh hot ladies horny ones who sex on you what yeah you know they come back to your house and sit on your butt wait a minute Jesus have you ever been with a woman are you are you a virgin yeah I am how the hell does that happen well in high school my best friend was this hot prostitute and I just kind of got into the friend zone she's all like oh there's all these guys having sex with me for money and I'm all like oh you deserve better and then I died well sex is overrated stay out of this Joe all right look forget the party we got a more important Mission now your 2,000 year long cold streak is about to come to an end what do you mean I'm saying Jesus we are going to help you lose your virginity God I love sex all right me and the guys are off to help Jesus lose his virginity just put it in the oven for half an hour at 350 what I don't know that's what you always say when you leave the house oh Peter just be careful losing your virginity is a big deal I'm sure Jesus doesn't want some gross quickie no no no it's going to be nothing like that just some random [ __ ] to mall in a bar back where a payones used to be Peta that's what I'm talking about you're making this whole thing crude it's his first time you need to be more sensitive don't worry Lois I swear I'll be sensitive and gentle like the Tasmanian devil tucking in his kids [Laughter] [Music] all right Jesus these speed date nights are the best way to meet a lot of chicks fast now go get them so where do you live everywhere all places hopefully inside you this is kind of embarrassing but are you okay with someone who smokes oh yeah are are you okay with someone who wanders the desert lecturing people on how to act so are you having a good Friday oh is that supposed to be funny shut your mouth [ __ ] how's the wine it's terrific that's my blood you know where are you from Israel all right Jesus nowadays everything is done on the internet all right so we got to get you on Facebook well let me just close a couple of these windows there we go sorry I was up late last night I had the house to myself sorry sorry lot of POV stuff yeah I like to pretend it's m down there what's do have nothing to be nervous about this is going to be fun okay well here goes all right Meg while we take these we can either play freeze frame or she works hard for the money which would you prefer can we play both sure [Music] well that was a stupid idea but you you were phenomenal you really think so here have a look I think these turned out great wait Ben are they all of my feet well Meg the thing is my name's Evan by the way a lot of people will pay good money for pictures of sexy feet foot fetish porn are a huge business but when you asked me to model I thought you meant real modeling this is real modeling and you could be our next big star really I don't know come on it could be great you'll meet lots of famous people like Charles Barkley hi M you have nice feas I want to put them both in my mouth and then make a slapping sound in my bald head with him we have a Tran gun if he gets rough [Music] i [Music] r m why you home so early yeah I thought you were doing your modeling thing I was wait what What's Happening Here well not that it's any of your business Meg but this is why we've been married as long as we have we do things together you think 20 years just happens no it does not now tell us fast about your nonsense so I can plow your mother on the staircase yeah what kind of photo shoot was it did they take a picture of you eating a whole pizza of pie next to an astonished Chef actually Evan thinks I'm a natural and that I'm going to be a huge success he thinks I could be a famous model you famous come on Meg your only chance at Fame would have been as the dog on frasia well of course I respect my father he's a vet woof not that kind of [Music] vet so where exactly are we going anyway Brian I think the road has a a way of telling you where you're going there Rhode Island Folk Festival the road has spoken huh that actually sounds kind of fun see Brian this Trip's already off to a great start certainly better than that Retreat we went on with a cog Baptist choir why don't we show our visitors how we sing what we see y' sing what we see sing what we see brother rasco what do you see oh I see how Johnson's bille boy sing what you see and no red B that need a paint job sing what you see oh yeah boy in a truck too young to drive sing what you see ran oh uh uh car come on let's just see what we see and keep it to [Music] ourselves hey Evan oh good Meg you're here grab a pair of dirty socks and meet me by the tub of dead mice actually Evan I've been thinking about this and I'm not sure being a foot fetish models for me what you can't quit you're an overnight sensation I am you got 35,000 views in one night and none of them got past the fourth picture what does that mean oh they love you and look at these comments who is this she's beautiful a bunch of anti-muslim stuff great feet you're a hit mag wow that's that's amazing it's not often that anyone says anything nice about any part of me but still I I don't I don't know it's porn I never thought I'd do porn I understand your apprehension Meg that's why I'm going to confuse you by calling is it possible you're not letting yourself be happy like you don't feel like you're worth it no that's not it h maybe your accomplishments don't feel real because your brother isn't here to see them maybe that doesn't feel quite right either h you don't want to outshine your father oh my God oh my God phew that was damn near out of [Music] Tweed okay now see she didn't say good morning to me so I put an orange dot on her boarding pass which means they're going to search her anus I noticed you also circled a bunch of on her ticket why did you do that because otherwise the line moves too quickly you see the whole thing we're going for here at the TSA is a sort of Bor fascism huh I think I can handle that I did not tell you to approach great job the worst thing a passenger can do is approach your Podium before you tell them to as bad as those 19 hijackers were the people we see here every day are much worse boy Larry there's a lot to remember I I hope I don't screw something up trust me you have nothing to worry about you're basically unfireable what do you mean come on Meg look around you're the hottest person who works here oh wow now that you mention it everybody does look kind of dumpy that's not entirely their fault they're all told to wear a pair of their dad's pants Oh speaking of which tomorrow bring in a pair of your dad's [Music] pants Peter you promised me you would do the dishes well I was doing the dishes for a while but they were inexperienced so I ended up having to rub one out where in the hell did you get the idea that that's what I meant by doing the dishes from Dirty Amelia Bedelia almost done vacuuming the rug damn it Peter you're making me crazy you know what sounds like you need some counseling maybe you should go talk to Cleveland Cleveland why would I talk to Cleveland he's a therapist now and he's really great at helping people with their problems ah I see you want me to tell your best friend my complaints about you so he can back you up the new maid is peeing on me and she didn't even say anything clever about it look you're the one who said you were going crazy just talk to him he's all about helping people get well just like dark Martin's so how are you feeling today terrible i've got blurry vision I feel cold and clammy and the nurse told me there's blood in my stool have you tried wearing a lesbian shoe what put this man down for a pair of lesbian shoes huh high fever weight loss and extreme respiratory difficulty let's have this man intubated and fit with a pair of lesbian [Music] shoes hi are you the next crazy person um I guess so I've been pretty depressed since my wife died I'm sorry I'm trying to read the Costco connection here there they are all right since you're a patient we're going to talk about you like you're not here you get all of us squawking out doc oh I think we got to the root of the problem didn't we Lo us absolutely all right let's dop her up good turn that mouth off no Peter the problem is you what what the hell are you doing you're supposed to be my friend Dr Brown I just killed nine people h i mean I have ducks on my feet old crazy harmless mayor quack [Music] quack how can Cleveland say I'm the problem all I do is sit in the bathroom and play on my phone swipe wipe swipe wipe swipe swipe uh-oh that's a perfect example you put no effort in I think this is how Anna Nicole Smith died don't make lie of that holy crap we we we got got to get out of here a man the library White Fang this is for ruining my eighth grade [Music] [Music] Sumer they ruined my summer [Music] too oh hey Bri still sitting in chair huh what' your back ever do to you I'm trying to watch know what I'm watching my core your body and mind are supposed to be on the same team sitting on the hard floor is good for you back too coming up female high school teacher sleeps with her students is she hot stay tuned but first the public library suffered damage this evening when an area fat man smashed through the front of the building while attempting a drunken stunt the bus station is expected to absorb the Overflow of homeless armpit washing ladies oh God Peter is there something you want to tell me uh yeah every light in the house is on did you destroy the library did I destroy the library no Lois that was television in light of events at the library we now go live to a press conference at the mayor's residence good evening kog I'm here tonight with the deputy mayor hi everybody shut up anyway these types of immature drunken hinks are destroying our town and if we can't trust A 42-year-old man to drink responsibly then I have no choice but to take action so is mayor of kog I hereby rais the town's legal drinking age to 50 what I can't drink anymore what am I going to do what do people do who don't drink I don't know nit nit nit are you kidding me maybe um okay so it turns out I'm like crazy good at knitting good afternoon I'm Tom Tucker It's day three of coh Hog's new ban on alcohol for anybody under 50 and if there's one thing the new drinking age law has done it's let us know that women tell terrible stories good to see your eyes open Tom for more on this story We Now go to Trisha takawa Trisha Joyce I'm standing here on the streets of COG where citizens are feeling the effects of the city's new drinking law I was going to Bone my girlfriend but she told me that if there wasn't vanilla vodka involved there was no way well I think we just have to trust our elected officials and Goldman's Pharmacy is fully stocked on Cor syrup which goes great with ginger ale well I do miss drinking but I have used the time to reconnect with my children and I'm actually thinking about resuming my Actuarial practice oh my God he's just been drunk this whole time this new law sucks I gotta say it was kind of uncool of Mayor West to call it Peter's law no kidding now I know how Megan from Megan's Law felt I I don't I don't think you know how she felt I don't know why I didn't think of this before guys we just go into the brewery after hours and take some beer hey buddy it's okay I work here aren't you the guy who cried in that meeting oh yeah you know you know I just remember there's no beer here let's let's just let's just [Music] go Peter why' you want me to get us into this prison because Joe everyone knows that all prisoners make bootleg wine in their toilet we are going to get so wasted oh look right here this one's full of chardonay Peter I don't think that's but it was I mean can you imagine if you make a million bucks you'll be happier than a guy on his wedding day thanks everyone goodbye mom goodbye Dad goodbye friends goodbye free time farewell sex soong golf on TV I'll miss you privacy goodbye being honest about how many beers I've had nice knowing you my own choices see you later money thanks for the ride Brian yeah and thanks for the lecture on what real music is Mr Griffin jeez how many Snickers could they eat in a 5-minute car ride ah crap somebody left their gym bag God it would have been real easy to bring a gun in here where the hell did they go [Music] whoops o yeah [Music] wow holy crap that was petty she's got a smoking hot body this is a bigger surprise than when I found out Joe was a clown I think that belongs to me I'm sorry you had to find out this way okay you you won't tell anyone will you no you can tell people hey so how was the spa oh it was fine now I don't know why they made us face each other during the mother daughter bikini wax did you too have a nice afternoon sure did I made a million dollars what how Carter sent $100,000 to a Nigerian prince who's going to give him a million oh Peter don't tell me you two fell for that scam what what are you talking about it's the oldest email scam out there the assets are frozen you cover legal fees blah blah blah oh my God he did say blah blah blah you're never getting that money back what so that that money's just been just heart netted what's that gone disappeared never to be heard from again isn't he in that Showtime thing with the blood and the hats look the point is I was swindled I guess so well come on Mom the man was very specific that we need to go put lotion on each other jeez I'm really sorry Carter but at least you have your health oh you know this is your fault you're the one who said I should do it mhm there's that judgy Babs is always calling me and talking about look nobody steals from Carter punishment I am going to Africa and get my money back and you're coming with me Africa we're going to Africa I wonder if it will change us but of course it did change us I've been working here for 50 years pretending I'm a woman do you ever regret not having children mother Bernadet oh I've had many [Music] children we now return to Kevin James got too fat to be in movies Kevin James why'd you have to come back to television I ate Adam Sandler YooHoo I'm in here with the piz yeah okay time to go to Africa and get my money back are you ready I was born 3 months early Peter who's that at the door oh just so you know I didn't tell Lois where we're going and I couldn't be touched until I was two Daddy what are you doing here oh hey Lois uh Carter and I are going away for the next week or so you are where oh uh we're uh I mean um Pinterest wow sounds great have fun this is getting easier now I I just say daytime mom words okay so see you soon and shab the view you too sweetheart [Music] bye sleeping I got to tell you something I kissed Bonnie last night what I know I know it was a huge mistake so let's just do two or three high fives and then forget it ever happened Brian if Joe finds out he'll kill you yeah no kidding that's why you can't tell anybody promise me don't worry don't worry I'm great at keeping secrets well except for that one time you discovered my hidden [Music] shame Peter Brian I'm uh I'm sorry I'm one of these guys now I'm sorry Brian I'm [Music] sorry Mrs Parkhurst I'm Meg your new student volunteer oh you must be my new student volunteer yeah I just said that what's your name dear it's Meg C can I get a new person nonsense come in and between you and me I hate my new student volunteer that ugly little Meg she says she's a girl but she certainly has a boy's body [Music] odor oh come on in heer Joe and Bonnie are here for game night game night yeah I figured it was the least we could do since you pulled up a behead Heading Video on your phone at their party and showed it to everyone it was really more about how loud my phone can get Peet up we're doing this all right but the Operation game is out of battery so I'll have to make the noise you hear that that's the sound of bad surgery all right I'm awesome at charades guys are going first okay go uh About a Boy uh Four Four Weddings at a funeral uh 9 months ning Hill yes it was ning Hill I'm going to go get more wine oh hey uh hi Brian um listen about the other night you haven't told anyone have you no no of course not I was going to ask if you had hey Brian can you bring me up a snack I'm supposed to be in bed look the other night was great but it was a mistake you're right oh man what yeah I I mean there's there's definitely some kind of connection between us but I felt it too but maybe in another life huh yeah I guess you're right this could never work like porn movies before [Music] sound oo oh there you are come on Bonnie it's Joe's turn okay here we go uh uh crippled guy uh cheating wife uh cheating wife of a crippled guy a dog something with a dog uh dog kiss I I I uh I think that's uh time your your turn is over oh sounds like uh sounds like dog kisses crippled guy's wife at your party wait wait I know what the other night at your partty Brian kissed Bonnie what Bonnie is this true oh my God I know Mak it out with a dog can you even imagine a woman who possibly does that for real [Music] uh hi Joe hi Brian look I want to apologize for what happened I I didn't mean to kiss Bonnie everybody had a little too much to drink it it just happened I hope we're still cool hey don't worry about it it was a crazy party we ran out of salsa how do you run out of salsa anyway we're good oh really oh thank God I I I was worried you'd be mad mad it might buddy Brian not a chance hey is that your car what no what's he doing my car was parked legally I'm going to show you why you should never mail cash another good postal tip is if you wait to deliver your mail at night you can smell a lot of really nice dinners oh no it's that Amazon drone try to ignore it hey Cleveland what are you doing taking a walk no I'm delivering mail by foot yeah that won't take too long well got to go got to deliver these fat pants to your fat son he was harsh but not untruthful we got a special order Cleveland Junior's pants from a company that manufactures grill covers thanks for coming over Stewie oh thanks for having me quite a place you've got here your mother seemed nice yeah I've only met her a couple of times but yeah this is my [Music] bedroom is that car bed of Bentley and is that guy the driver ready for this evening's trip to snooze Town sir not yet sad story he used to drive the bed for Michael Jackson's monkey I've seen some terrible things this is extraordinary oh it's fine I suppose but you probably have even nicer things at your Mansion I'd love to come see it sometime oh um yes yes my mansion yeah yes you you should come see my mansion by all means I mean not not right this minute I I have the US men's wrestling team there I'm going to kill a wrestler but then after that you should I can't wait come on let's go see if the maid brought her son so we can push him and he can't do anything God I like it here but what am I doing I don't have a fancy house I'm living a lie like FDR and so I say to you America we are going to win this war we're going to end this depression and there's no no reason to suspect that I cannot walk God Bless America and cut the news reel's over thank you Mr President you're welcome gentlemen now if you'd kindly kick me into the closet with the mops ah must be a yellman shut up hello loyal woman this is a letter to Hollywood saying keep it up movies are great Cleveland what should I do with this it just says Hollywood USA and this isn't a stamp it's the little sticker from an Apple oh I can't never get those off I just eat them anyway just put it in here what's that it's the dead letter bin it's all the stale mail what never got delivered for one reason or the other incomplete addresses house at the top of a hill anyone who uses one of those French sevens with a slash in it well this is horrible yeah I'm going to organize these there might be some we could resend that's above and beyond Lois you know you do the uniform proud like I like to think I oh chili dog got me look at all these this is a mess here's two that are stuck together what the hell this is from [Music] Peter who the hell is gret and marer and this is postmarked a week before our wedding oh there was a time when the president of the Jonathan Taylor Thomas fan club got a lot of [Music] mail I don't know what to do Bonnie why would Peter write a letter to another woman just before our wedding why don't you just open it and read it what that's a federal offense I can't do that don't you realize as a postal employee I'm 604th in line for the presidency well then why don't you just deliver the letter and see for yourself who this Gretch and Mercer is Bonnie that's a great idea oh I see you came with the big cheese what you you're a big cheese I usually bring a variety wheel of Laughing Cow Cheese Laughing Cow that's got to be a happy farm right oh well you just must be cracking up all the time hanging out with this one look ma'am I don't know what signals Joe is sending out but I'm married g49 hey and you're already on the board you're natural at this oh and fair warning when they call 069 I say oh my o la la yeah really funny Joe or or how about this one oh my God I want to kill myself right now all right I got to get through this I'm just going to go to my hand happy place go to your happy place Peter oh and you're wearing the necklace I gave you well if I were you I'd sure be excited you're only one number away from having a bingo I am wait you mean if they call oh 74 Bingo you were right Joe this is awesome I've never won anything well except for when I won that Tory Spelling be Peter your word word is equine Peter reached this round by accurately spelling collagen repulsive and botched I can't believe you're still at work Padma it's like 2: in the morning no it is noon here do you not know about dime zones oh uh yeah oh that's right you guys are on Metric oh you're in here yeah I'm on the phone is uh is Chris down in the laundry room yeah I think so okay looks like this is going to be a stander upper in the garage uh-oh 6% better hustle it's so nice to talk to you Brian you make me feel wonderful God if only you weren't so far away I wish I could just somehow magically appear there and meet you in person oh Brian that would be like a dream okay I should go I have 11,000 people on hold goodbye Padma what the hell's going on somebody's screaming in the garage why are you still up because I'm in love oh with that Indian chick what was her name dot no it's not DOT it's Padma and I have to be with with her Stewie I'm going to India oh my God I'm going with you my yoga class will be so jealous hey everyone the guy I told you about Brian he's taking me to India oh my God [Applause] [Music] we finally made it Brian we're in India excuse me man with no pupil where can we get a taxi cab around here all right let's do it Stewie let's go find Padma shouldn't be hard in this dreamy land of Wonder I can already smell the Enlightenment and Tranquility this is wonderful isn't it Brian it's so I'm tearing up come on I think I see a cab with less than nine people in [Music] it all right it's winning time let's get this show on the road after all it's not called Bing stop it's called Bing go that's very clever yeah and uh uh maybe if I win I'll yell Bing Joe Don't Force It Joe yeah be quiet Joe me and the Gang are trying to hear our numbers you and the Gang I'm the one who brought you here yeah well you know something the Mayflower also brought fungus which then became the Potato Famine what the hell are you talking about I don't know I've had like four in shes I'm out of my mind Peter I brought you here to have fun not take over look say something and I turn around and I don't know what happened to my wife and now I'm all alone and I'm just so scared okay do you want to go look for your wife or you want me to finish the makeover I guess we might as well will finish up here when I find her I want her to go wow Lois Lois Lois Lois is your wife Nam Lois too no but I figured if she's banging a guy like you I got a shot Lois hey what are you Lois Lois [Music] Lois wait wait hang on a second Shelby I can't hear you over my Brokers bye sell buy byy wow buying and selling yeah yeah well I'll see you Saturday I better go my helicopters here fu fu fu F Fu are you still by the way you have no idea what a helicopter sounds like are you still keeping up this sherad yeah but it's perfect Shelby's already off work so I'll just grab the ring and we can bring it back before they close huh I know I left the ring right here if you're referring to the ring that I thought was a lug nut I ate it what why would you you eat a lug nut I was dared by who by myself I have low self-esteem we should check in on this guy Mo oh my God this can't be happening Chris that was a diamond ring do you know how expensive that was I'm sorry Brian but don't worry it'll come out of my body sooner or later he's right I ate a dime once it became a manhole cover for like 3 days but then pow okay yeah yeah we just we just got to force Chris to poop that's all yay like got a sleepover I love you you're loved attention the Cog Mall will be closing in 5 minutes well I've looked everywhere maybe she left Paul Blart if you're out there I could sure use a [Music] miracle choo choo all aboard the ladybug Express but be careful Peter if the this train Slows To less than 50 mph then Sandra bulock has to marry a Neo-Nazi and act like she didn't know about it and then overcompensate by adopting a black kid help holy crap wait don't close them allall like an actual Amtrak train this is dangerously out of control that's legally defensible by the way on your screen is a list of actual rail Des