communication skills aren't going to work with a narcissist you can be the best listener you can seek to understand their point of view you can learn how to validate and empathize with their feelings it's not going to matter because they aren't planning on reciprocating any of it right and that goes for pretty much any relationship skill humility selflessness emotional connection mutual respect none of these things are going to work with a narcissist but this is what we all need to be reminded of we have to stop saying this or that didn't work with a narcissist respect doesn't work with a narcissist of course it didn't because respect requires us to place worth and value onto someone else right it's not communication that didn't work they aren't interested in your perspective it's not communication doesn't work with narcissists it's narcissists don't communicate because let me tell you why it matters how we word it before it was validation doesn't work with narcissists right which implies one I'm powerless in this situation I tried empathy and validation and it didn't work they turned it around on me and told me I'm stupid or worthless or crazy and two once again we're placing the burden on us to figure out how to make this relationship work they don't have to put in the work we do to find things that work with them when instead we need to admit the reality they aren't willing to put in the work to make this work don't say mutual respect doesn't work with narcissists say narcissists don't respect you let's just think about it if we're calling someone a narcissist which I don't normally recommend I think we're kind of overusing that label right in today's culture half the population is a narcissist now if we continue to use that word to describe every selfish person we come across then kind of loses its meaning right but at the end of the day it doesn't matter what we labeled them as the solution for handling any toxic person is the same now don't get me wrong it's still of course great to become aware of red flags and toxic behavior and covert narcissism of course it's a good idea to learn about gaslighting and invalidation and love bombing but here's my only point if we're calling someone a narcissist what we're essentially saying is that this person is self-obsessed prideful arrogant manipulative controlling passive aggressive dismissive gaslighting me unwilling to take any accountability has no interest in respecting me and deep down if we're really honest why we say emotional connection doesn't work with a narcissist is because we really do care about this person we really want to make this relationship work maybe it's a parent and you just desperately want to have this close relationship with them that makes sense or maybe it's your partner and you really do love them and you would give anything to have a loving equal relationship with them you would give anything to not get in these fights where they demean you or gas you or talk down to you you would give anything to receive the bare minimum of respect and kindness from them and so when we say things like yeah communication doesn't work with a narcissist what we're really saying is I've tried everything to make this relationship work and it feels impossible and I'm completely exhausted and defeated and angry and hopeless all at the same time and I I just don't know what else to do and nothing's working and that makes sense so that begs the question then what does work with a narcissist there's unfortunately only one thing and that's boundaries now I do need to add one disclaimer I don't care if it's your partner or parent if you're dealing with someone who is narcissistic or aggressive or abusive you do not need to stand up to that person you need to get out and get safe there's no reason risking getting yourself hurt by setting boundaries with someone who is unpredictable unsafe or could become violent remember if a narcissist is only out to control us how do you think they're going to feel when we try to take away that control by setting healthy boundaries so I know it's not always POS possible but please make sure you're removing yourself from unsafe situations because no one ever deserves to be abused or mistreated this isn't a situation that you can fix alone so please reach out to a professional who can help you navigate this having said that if you feel like it's safe and you're trying to see if this relationship can work with this person maybe you wouldn't categorize them as a full narcissist maybe they just have narcissistic Tendencies the solution is still boundaries because let's just think about this you admitted earlier on that this person might be self-centered doesn't care about your needs wants or desires isn't planning on respecting or valuing you let's just be honest what type of mutually fulfilling relationship do you think is possible with someone like that we know we can't force someone to care about us right we know there are certain things that any relationship requires in order for us to feel safe close and connected right things like mutual respect and caring about someone's perspective and building trust and intimacy with each other the saddest part about a relationship with a narcissist whether parent partner or friend is that they are so full of insecurity and shame shame within themselves they live in this fantasy world that they've created where it would completely collapse if they ever made a mistake so they simply project all that shame and guilt onto you it's not their fault it's yours even if they clearly messed up you or someone else caused them to do that that's why they always have to be the victim they cannot take any accountability because in their mind they're either all good or all bad and the tragic part is this self-centered world that they've created where everyone even their own kids or spouses are potentially out to get them and take advantage of them this world where they can't trust anyone and if they don't control others then they'll get controlled what happens is they will always slowly push everyone out of their life they will always push this relationship towards a toxic place and then blame you for reacting negatively here's what you need to know and understand deep in your soul it's honorable that you want to do everything you can to have a relationship with this person you love them you care about them I understand that but you cannot carry this entire relationship on your back you simply aren't capable of holding that weight you're not too needy to need respect to feel valued you're not too needy to need intimacy and safety and for the other person who says they love you to prioritize you and serve you and sacrifice for you without guilt tripping you later cuz that's not love and that's the problem people who are severely narcissistic aren't actually interested or capable of love and it's not your job to fix or heal them and I have a whole video on how love isn't going to be enough to save your relationship so please check that out if you feel like it would be helpful so then what can we do if anything you can learn what you deserve in a relationship you can be honest about your needs and fears and desires and dreams with someone that you trust you can talk to someone about your shame that you might have been burying for years you can learn that trustworthy people won't punish your vulnerability and you can set healthy boundaries with the people who do so what are boundaries boundaries are limits guard rails standards that you've set for yourself boundaries can be physical that means I don't just let anyone touch me right if a stranger came up from me on the street and tried to hug me you might do it just because you're caught off guard but at the same time it wouldn't be rude if they tried to hug you and you stuck your arm out and prevented them from doing that that's not being rude that's just called having a boundary around my body the truth is we have all kinds of boundaries we have sexual boundaries we have communication boundaries you have time and energy boundaries you can't just give your time and energy out to anyone who wants it right because then you would be exhausted all the time and some of you are saying oh yeah that's exactly why I'm exhausted all the time because I don't have boundaries yeah I get it that's why this stuff is so extremely important because when we don't set healthy boundaries we get taken advantage of right and you're the only one that's left exhausted and depleted and feeling used and all this stuff can be really hard especially when you struggle with acceptance you want people to accept you and maybe you've been neglected in the past and you struggle with people pleasing we see boundaries as rude right that's what's fascinating we don't see them encroaching on our time and energy and space and bodies as rude we don't see them yelling at us or demeaning us as rude we see us as the rude one to say hey I'm going to treat you with respect and kindness but I deserve the same thing I won't tolerate you yelling at me or calling me names or talking about that sensitive topic that I don't want to talk about and here's what I'm going to do if you continue to do that that's a boundary a boundary is a standard that I've set for myself I don't stay in conversations where someone is yelling at me or calling me names or becoming aggressive right a boundary is something that I'm going to do it requires nothing from you you don't have to agree with my boundary in order for me to enforce it I'm going to leave the conversation for 30 minutes if you start yelling at me that requires nothing from you and it doesn't even have to be during a fight maybe someone starts giving you unsolicited advice or talking about something that you don't feel comfortable talking about a boundary can be hey I know you're just trying to help but I can't have this conversation right now that's boundary now disclaimer number three I think I'm not sure people always say every time I give the ex example of if you yell at me or call me names then I'm going to leave the room for 30 minutes people always say my partner won't allow me to leave the room they continue chasing me yelling at me banging on door breaking things I'm just letting you know that is a crime we have to take that very seriously if you can't even take a break and self-regulate and have a moment of peace to to recollect your thoughts or to feel safe that's a huge issue now you're right some people are going to see this Behavior as rude and controlling oh you're controlling me you get to decide that I'm yelling when really this is just how I talk and now you're abandoning me and being immature and leaving the conversation this is what I meant when I said narcissists will force a relationship towards a toxic place and then blame you for reacting negatively because a true narcissist only cares about control and manipulation so when they aren't in control they're going to lash out the saddest part about being in a relationship with a toxic person is that because of the fact that you've been neglected and taken advantage of for so long the only way for this to work work is for you to stand up for yourself in a safe way and start demanding the equality that you know you are owed in this relationship and sometimes that ends well and other times it doesn't but it is going to look very controlling to them they are going to immediately turn the tables on you and say you're being rude and demanding but that's why it's so important that we remember we're not asking for too much you're literally just asking for the bare minimum of what any relationship needs to survive respect consideration equality the hardest part about all of this the hardest part about setting healthy boundaries isn't just exploring and understanding what your boundaries are because we all have them we're just too afraid to admit them that's hard in itself but what's also terrifying is answering the question what happens when they refuse to honor my boundaries what happens when they continue to talk to me however they want or touch me however they want what happens when I stand up for myself and it makes things worse so let's go down that rabbit hole first do you deserve to be yelled at no do you deserve for someone to belittle you or call you stupid never do you deserve disrespect no do you deserve to be controlled no okay so if you don't deserve those things then why would we tolerate them it's a good question and by no means am I trying to shame or blame you for the situation that you're in I know exactly what it's like to find myself stuck in a situation where I didn't realize that I had given this person so much slack and now it was the norm for them to neglect or take advantage of me my job is simply to help you understand and remind you that at your core you are lovable you are worthy of kindness and respect you deserve someone who prioritizes you you deserve someone who cares about how you're feeling who views your feelings as valuable information about who you are as a person instead of taking them as an attack you deserve to be seen understood and cared for and so often you blame yourself for this relationship not working you blame yourself for not trying hard enough because you've had to earn love your whole life I mean you're used to begging for attention or admiration you're used to being labeled as the problem that's why you don't bat an eye when they shame or belittle or demean you because deep down you're like maybe they're right and I'm just here to remind you they're not you're not a failure you don't deserve to be mistreated and it's going to take a lot of work and therapy for you to dig down deep and uncover all that shame and replace it with self-compassion and love but it's possible and you deserve it and let me tell you what's going to happen when you start recognizing your worth and value and you stop tolerating so much disrespect and blame and shame from others you start to see that you aren't asking for too much you're probably just asking the wrong person and you know what's tragic you start setting healthy boundaries and standing up for yourself even in a kind and respectful and vulnerable way you being honest and bearing your heart still going to make them probably react poorly and invalidate your feelings and lash out and that's going to hurt so bad but the truth is some people aren't capable of giving you the love you deserve not everyone has your best interest in mind and there are plenty of people in this world that if you don't have a standard for how you know you deserve to be treated they will try to set one for you and it's rarely one where you're not taken advantage of if you forget everything from this video just remember this we're so scared to set healthy boundaries or advocate for our needs right we're so scared to have those difficult conversations why because it might only make things worse and maybe they'll leave but here's the truth if talking about your boundaries causes them to end this relationship you didn't have a sustainable relationship to begin with and it was only a matter of time before it imploded because you simply can't stay in that toxic environment without it causing major mental physical and emotional damage and that's why I say boundaries are the only thing that's going to work with a narcissist or a toxic person because at the end of the day your relationship lacks emotional safety and connection and reciprocation so we have to begin with actually showing this person who we are and what we need and what we won't tolerate and I don't know your situation maybe this is a boyfriend or a girlfriend in which case my advice is 100% to walk away from that type of relationship and get help from a professional to see how we got here in the first place but maybe this is a parent and it's so hard to think of just cutting them out of your life right and I understand how hard that is but let's go back to boundaries for just a second when we set healthy boundaries we aren't being rude we are expressing who we are and what we need to feel safe and connected and close with another person right talking about my needs and limits and boundaries isn't me being controlling it's me being honest about who I am deep inside it's me being vulnerable I can't feel close to someone who belittles or calls me names I can't allow that in my circle that's called protecting ourselves and for so many of you nobody protected you during childhood you were taught that your feelings were wrong and you were bad you were taught that you were a burden and I just want to remind you you're not a burden here's the hard truth that you need to just Lodge deep in your soul you're not cutting them out of your life by setting healthy boundaries you're not cutting them out of your life by being vulnerable and honest they are cutting themselves out of your life by purposely punishing your vulnerability and disrespecting your boundaries in these instances where you were vulnerable and respectful and you told them what you needed from them for this relationship to feel more mutually fulfilling and they responded aggressively or negatively you simply have to decide how much of my time energy and attention am I willing to give to this person without feeling like I'm losing myself and another thing that we need to remember it's absolutely an appropriate boundary to say I can't continue this relationship unless we see a counselor together I know that sounds controlling but we have to remember we aren't asking for too much we aren't being rude we are saying this relationship isn't working for me it might be working for you but I'm telling you it's not working for me so out of love I'm asking you are you willing to put in the work with a counselor to heal this or not and you put the ball back in their court and let them tell you after you said all that let them tell you no I'm not going to a counselor you're the problem here there's nothing to fix except for the fact that you're overreacting because hopefully by then you'll see that they were never interested in your feelings or hurts or needs or perspective they were never interested in doing anything that inconveniences them even slightly for the sake of this relationship or you and that hurts badly but it also gives us some clarity on how we should navigate this relationship this is why so many people have to go no contact this is why people detach not because they don't love this person but because they see this person has no capacity to love me back and I've given all I can give and for some of you you can't detach you can't go no contact maybe you're co-parenting with someone toxic like this the only thing that you can do is control you control your reactions control your words always take the high road it's not fair it's not easy but you're doing this for your children do not allow them to bait you into a fight no one can make you fight no one can make you scream or yell you have to be accountable for you let them say whatever they want you can't control them but you can model to your kids how to handle people like that which is through self-control and firm boundaries and it's crazy that we all feel like we're being mean right because we have to be firm and direct but just think for a second isn't it funny how you don't have to be so firm with other people who are kind and respectful to you right it's a lot easier to give those people grace and patience and understanding so you're not being rude by being firm and direct and having boundaries with someone who is narcissistic or who will walk all over you the second that you allow them to that's not being rude that's simply protecting yourself so let me close with this I'm so sorry I'm so sorry that you're in this situation I'm sorry for all the pain that you have endured you never deserved to be abused or mistreated or demeaned or manipulated or called names you can't fix them they have to decide are they willing to put in the work to make any relationship work here's my advice and it's going to seem counterintuitive like I'm picking on you but I'm not take accountability for your part in the fighting whoever it is in your life where it's easy to look at them as the problem and point the finger at them and say well I wouldn't have acted like that if it wasn't for them instead I want you to take account ability for your side of the street that's what maturity requires of us right this is the person that you want to be don't let them change you into them go to them and say I'm sorry for the way that I fought with you and then go into detail I'm sorry for the words that I said to you that was wrong you don't deserve to be disrespected in that way I'm sorry for my rage or whatever it is take responsibility don't blame them just apologize and if they're willing to talk about it ask them about the impact your words and actions had on them be a safe place for them to be honest now I know what you might think Jimmy that's terrible advice you don't apologize to a narcissist they're just going to use all this information against you no this is simply another way that they are turning us into them we can't let that happen I can promise you if you're around a narcissist for long enough they're going to start to change you into someone that you don't want to be do you want to be like them and refuse to take any accountability for the things that you've done wrong no that's not the person that you want to be I think this is an important step in our growth and maturity we are setting a new standard for how we're going to show up and treat people and how we're going to allow other people to treat us apologizing feels like we're allowing them to get away with their bad behavior but that's not what's happening they couldn't pay us back for how they treated us anyways and make no mistake we're not going to allow them to treat us in toxic ways in the future that can be another conversation at a later time all right so let's recap number one understand our worth and value as a person two understand what any relationship needs to feel safe and connected three take an honest look without guilt or shame on what you specifically need in a relationship for intimacy or connection to take place four develop a standard for how you know you deserve to be treated five set limits and boundaries with people who push up against that standard regardless of who they are and six learn how to be vulnerable and respectfully talk about your needs and feelings that means instead of saying you never tell me that you're going to be late you're such a selfish jerk you don't care about me at all and instead we say when you don't call me when you don't let me know that you're going to be late I feel scared and unimportant and unappreciated like I'm not even worth calling I need you to call me from now on if you're going to be late and if you're tempted to say but that won't work with a narcissist then I need to go down to the bottom of the video there's a little there's a little bar there need you to drag that bar all the way back to the beginning let's go ahead and give this another go at the end of the day here's the bottom line the people that truly love you care about what you need to feel connected and valued the people who love you care about your boundaries the people who truly love you want you to feel safe and prioritized the people who love you want you to be honest and vulnerable because they want to know the real you now you might still get into fights with each other but the people who truly love you can take accountability and apologize and repair and remind you you matter more to me than any fight that we have you don't have to worry about walking on eggshells with me and you don't have to worry about being punished or shamed or blamed either that's the relationship want for you thank you so much for watching can't wait to see you in the next one