Transcript for:
The Importance and Functionality of Emotions

Have you ever heard about the children born  without pain sensitivity? It's an incredibly   rare congenital condition, it only affects around  100 people in the whole world, and on the surface   it sounds amazing right? Like how cool would it  be to never feel physical pain? Well actually,   it's a nightmare. These little kids who can't feel  pain they also have nothing to protect them from   injury. One of these kids named Isaac, when he was  a toddler, he would throw a tantrum and he would   smack his face like so hard into the ground that  he was almost breaking things and he would just   laugh because he thought it was funny. He would  chew on his tongue until it bled, he would poke his   fingers into his eyes because they felt weird, but  he was actually damaging his eyeballs. Now normally,   your pain receptors would send a strong message:  "stop biting your tongue", "stop poking your eyes", "stop   hitting your head", but for him no pain meant that  there was little to stop him from harming himself.   Ashlynn is another girl who feels no pain. As a  baby she never cried when she was hungry or when   she had a really bad diaper rash, and again, this  seems like the ideal baby right? But then one day   they had her into the doctor for a regular checkup  and they found out that she had this huge tear on   her cornea, and normally this would be incredibly  painful, but because she didn't feel pain she   wasn't able to alert her parents to her injuries  or her needs. Now Ashlynne and kids like her, they   live in danger every day because they don't have  the automatic protective alarm system of pain.    In her life, Ashlynne has walked for two days on  a broken ankle without realizing it, she sat in   a pile of fire ants without being bothered  by their blistering bites, kids like her   stick their hands on hot stove burners or  into boiling water without shedding a tear,   and their lack of pain creates a real  difficulty for them and for their parents who are   trying to just keep their kids safe without their  children having this internal system to help them.    Ashlynne is now 13 and she's learning to cook and  take care of herself, but every day they worry that   she's going to get hurt without realizing it.   Ashlynn's parents have created a facebook group   for other families with this condition and it's  called "The Gift of Pain", and it's not until you   see what life is like without any pain at all  that you can kind of start to appreciate the   benefit of pain in your life. Now while this may  seem like an extreme example, I hope it helps you   break down this idea of "positive" and "negative"  emotions a little bit more. Pain is uncomfortable,   but it serves a purpose. In this section in  skill number two we're going to talk about how   every emotion you experience serves a function.   In their purest forms, emotions like fear,   sadness, joy, love, guilt, hurt, they all serve  important roles in our lives. You're going to   learn how to get better at feeling by listening  to your innate wisdom and you're going to learn   why coping skills don't work in the long run and  you're also going to learn what to do instead. This video is sponsored by Skill Share where  you can learn all sorts of really cool things,   Skill Share has a ton of classes on creative  arts. Last week when I was traveling I just   tuned in for this class- "Podcast Marketing: How  to Grow Your Audience with a Marketing Plan"   by Amanda McLaughlin. (Amanda) "This course is about how  to market a podcast as you watch along you'll   be building a marketing plan for your own show",  (Emma) and in 24 minutes she helped me clarify my voice   and my marketing plan to share my podcast with  easy actionable steps and I've taken a half dozen   other classes about podcasting on Skill Share,  and I'm loving it, I'm really learning a lot   in such a short amount of time. The other cool  thing about Skill Share classes is they usually   have a project involved and so you can see the  projects that other class members are making   and I think that's a really cool part of these  classes. There's also a ton of other classes on   productivity, creativity, and self-care. Becoming  a Skill Share member is less than $10 a month with   an annual subscription and the first 1000 of my  subscribers to click the link in the description   will get a free trial of premium membership so  you can explore your creativity and use it to   work through your emotions. You already have within  you the inherent ability to resolve and manage   your emotions, you have a deep knowledge inside of  you that will guide you and help you work through   thoughts and emotions with strength and integrity.   The problem is that many of us have been taught   that there are "good" emotions and "bad" emotions, and  that gets in the way of us being able to listen to   our emotions and honor them. When we focus our  energy on making "bad" feelings go away we lose   track of who we want to be. When we choose to see  emotions as functional instead of just you know   uncomfortable inconveniences, we use our emotions  as a resource instead of seeing them as an   obstacle. So let's talk about one example of how a  so-called "negative" emotion can actually be really   helpful. If I hurt someone, let's say let's say I  punch him in the face for no good reason, I'm gonna   feel regret, I'm gonna feel some guilt, guilt is  uncomfortable, does that make it a "negative" emotion?   Our cultural approach to "feeling good" says we  should try to make the guilt go away, but in this   case the guilt is actually helpful. I did something  wrong, I should feel guilty. Now if I listen to that   guilt it should help motivate me to change my  actions, to not do that again, to apologize, to make   repairs, to pay their doctor bills, or whatever and  when I've taken care to resolve that problem then   the guilt will probably naturally dissipate. Every  emotion when it's pure can serve a function and   when we clean up our emotions they can guide us  to a life of integrity and happiness. Now in this   course we're going to learn a lot of ways to clean  up distorted emotions and what I'm talking,   what I mean by that is like if I have distorted  thinking that says like 'oh my gosh everything   in the world is terrible and I'm a terrible  person' then I'm gonna feel like really depressed,   but when we clean up that distorted thinking  then I might just feel a little bit sad about   something that's happening in the world and that  sadness is a beautiful and pure emotion. So before   we can move into those sections in the course this  section is essential because first we just have to   talk about the function of emotions. Okay, so let's  talk about that. The function of guilt is to ask   'Did I do something wrong?' and then if yes, I need  to fix it and make repairs and if the answer is no,   that I you know, I didn't do something wrong,  then when we really address that guilt we'll   be able to let it go. The emotion of fear or  anxiety asks 'Am I in danger? it says 'Look out!'   it asks 'Is this actually dangerous?'. Now I want my  daughters to feel some anxiety, I want them to feel   scared on a cliff edge so they don't go  too close or to worry a little bit about   cars so they don't run into the street. So when you  feel anxious you ask 'Is this actually dangerous?'   if yes, then take action to create safety, fight off  the danger, run away from the danger, leave it right,   freeze up and hold still until the danger passes.   If it's not dangerous, then it's imagined danger   and we need to manage our response if we sit  with that fear and say "oh actually I am safe",   and we calm our body and we calm our mind then  that fear and anxiety will most likely resolve   and whether something is dangerous or safe we need  to check our values to see what's most important   to us. Do we need to face our fears to live the  life we want or is it better to be extra safe   in some situations? We'll just do a couple more  examples right- excitement, also known as stress,   prepares us to perform. Love motivates us to  sacrifice for something we care about it asks   you know 'Is this worth committing to, is this  worth sacrificing for?' Even hopelessness can   serve a function, it asks 'should I keep trying?' Now  you can't build a bridge across a river with Ritz   Crackers, you should feel hopeless after trying  this a number of times. Hopelessness will motivate   you to stop wasting that effort and to try  something else, so instead try using steel beams   or trees or rocks or whatever right, that's the  function of hopelessness, but false hopelessness   is giving up when it's still possible. This is  usually what we see with a depressive disorder   right we feel this distorted sense of hopelessness  about life or yourself when the truth is your life   is actually okay, your life is good, there's there's  hope for good things to happen. Emotions serve at   least three important functions the first is  as warning signs to help us notice problems.    The second is they motivate us to change. The word  e-motion has the word like that latin word    motion in it, I don't know latin that well,  but the the word emotion is literally about   movement, about creating movement, and third,  emotions help us connect to other human beings.    This is one of the reasons why coping skills don't  work in the long run. Here's another example, um   let's assume that you feel very angry because your  child has been given an unfair grade at school.    You're friends with the other moms of the  other kids in your, in the same class and   when you compare the assignments it's clear  that the teacher gave him an F and others A's   when the level of work was the same and  you know you're upset because this low   grade might impact his ability to go to  college and that's really important to you.    Now if you google right now, if you search how to  deal with anger, everything you read will say that   if you're angry you should either express it you  know like vent or tell someone about it or two   that you should cope, you should go for run, you  should punch a pillow, you should listen to some   calming music, you should distract yourself. If this  is your approach and especially if this is your   only approach then the problem never gets solved.   Coping skills just bury problems and emotions only   to have them you know resurface later, so in this  case we can explore some constructive alternatives.  If we pause and look at the anger, where is it  coming from? Anger is often about fairness and   protection. If we listen to what the emotion is  telling us then some options open up. With anger   we always need to check to see if it's a secondary  emotion, so that means an emotion covering up   another more tender emotion, we're going to learn  like so much more about this in skill number seven,   but basically before we try to solve the problem  just check to see if the anger you're feeling   isn't really fear or guilt or disappointment,  those emotions beg for a different solution.   Now if it is anger and this is about  protection perhaps the right solution   is righting the wrong, making sure that you  stand up for your child who's being mistreated   or that you confront the teacher. I mean we're  just talking about options here right? Another   option is maybe the right thing to do is help your  child find safety by changing classes or schools   or you could encourage your child to help him feel  more confident to talk to his teacher about the   issue. Now another option look at this when we look  at what anger's trying to do it's about protection   it gives us options for how to act maybe the  solution is actually that you need to change your   perspective uh you need to look at this problem  from a different point of view and you might even   see that what you thought to be mistreatment was  actually fair or helpful when you view it honestly.    So let's say you call or email the teacher and  you politely ask them for clarification you find   out that the teacher caught your son cheating, this  new perspective gives you lots of new options for   action to solve the problem that have nothing  to do with the teacher right, this solution is   like looking for a different perspective on  emotions it's often the most helpful and often   the most difficult to do on our own, and then  again with anger in some rare circumstances   the problem is completely out of our control and  the best thing we can do is open up some space   to feel those emotions let them pass through  without us taking action. We can help our child   understand that the world isn't fair but we  can try to live by that value of fairness   we can try to be that change in the world or you  can go to school board meetings and you know try   to influence the big picture problem of teacher  training. If we really look carefully at the root   of the anger emotion then it gives us so many  options for action on the problem instead of just   suppressing that emotion itself when we  pause to explore the emotion we suddenly have   so many more available responses instead  of just you know react or suppress right.    Pausing and exploring is really important and  we're going to practice that throughout the   course. Now in the next sections of this course  we're going to ask what if I can't figure out   where this emotion is coming from and what if  I can't take action. Okay, so what if I can't   take action, what if I know what the function  of this emotion is but I can't take action?    What am I supposed to do if I can't solve my  problem? What if it's out of my realm of control?   If it's just someone's choices that made me  hurt can I cope then? Well, I would answer this   by saying that coping implies active suffering  combined with trying not to think about it.   Suppression usually leads to explosions later  so instead of coping I would encourage you to   find active peace combined with a focus  on living the life you value using your   willingness skills to make space for that  pain will help it dissipate instead of you   know make it something that you just have to  keep pushing off or carrying around with you   your emotions aren't out to get you there's a  very high chance that your mind is not broken or   defective and when we think of emotions as "good"  or "bad" we tend to try to create change at the   emotional level we try to make those emotions go  away when we just try to stop an emotion it's like   trying to get rid of an iceberg by cutting off the  top but all that ice underneath keeps resurfacing.   If we see emotions and behaviors as functional,  we can create change at a deeper level.   We tend to resolve problems because we  see an emotion as simply an indication   that there's something we need to change. Both  approaches to emotional change take work right,   coping or resolving emotions, the difference is  that coping creates a cycle that's not sustainable,   it usually is built on short-term fixes, it's fine  in the short-term crisis, I'm not trying to say   never cope, coping is fine when you're in crisis  it relies on things that make us feel better now,   but in the long run we need to keep feeding that  coping and this keeps all our energy focused on   emotional control and we're completely distracted  from the direction we want to go with our life.   Resolving emotions focuses on acknowledging  problems as a step on the road to solving them,   it creates a sustainable change that leads  to more and more fulfillment as time goes on.   Okay, question number two- What if I can't figure  out where an emotion is coming from, like how can   I understand the function of an emotion if I don't  know why I'm feeling it, or where it's coming from?   Now there's a couple options here- option  number one is you've been doing what you're   doing for so long that you've got this serious  backlog of fish trucks and there's so much   history there that it's hard to even tell them  apart so like this is common with depression or   generalized anxiety disorder or you know trauma  and the solution is to just get started shoveling,   start processing emotions one at a time and  it's going to start making a big difference   and the first way to practice this is through  the emotion tracker right? Option number two-   you might be having a pure emotion that  comes from being human it's not a sign   that something's wrong or that you're doing  anything wrong or something needs to change,   this is a beautiful aspect of being alive, it's  laughing so hard that milk comes out your nose   and sobbing so hard when you lose someone  you care about. The solution to this kind   of emotions is don't make these emotions try to  go away, they're a beautiful part of being alive,   instead increase your willingness skills and  your emotions will no longer feel disabling.   Now I'm gonna talk a lot more about willingness in  skill number four and five so stay tuned for that.    Okay, number three- if you can't figure out where  this emotion is coming from your emotion might   be a secondary emotion. The solution to this is to  explore the emotions and see if there's something   else there if there's something deeper. The closer  we get to the core emotions the more sensitive   they are, but the greater power we have to take  action. Now you may be wondering how does this   apply to depression or anxiety disorders and I'm  not trying to say that a depressive disorder or an   anxiety disorder is functional but I will say that  often the primary, core, rude emotions of sadness or   fear it can be very functional when we learn to  use them in the right way, but there's a lot that   we do to exaggerate, distort, or feed those emotions  and that can lead to us drowning in them.   So I consider depression disorders and anxiety  disorders as often you know created emotions or   distorted emotions this this can be pain that we  create by something we're doing. Now that's not   always the case obviously there's a hundred causes  of depression and anxiety but when we're making   our pain worse it's called you know pain that  we create and in this course we're going to go   into a lot more detail about how you can clean  that pain up and resolve many of those distorted   emotions but we can't do any of that if we don't  understand the function and the purpose of those   root emotions now on a side note some people are  just born more or less emotionally sensitive right?   Some people are born, some people are more prone  to be anxious and others less anxious and I also   think this serves an important function in the  community. If we have 100 people in our village   and 10 of them are extra anxious and 10 of them  are extra unanxious, they're you know the group   that's rarely bothered or worried, the 10 extra  anxious people might be more likely to raise   a warning when something's about to go wrong  or they'll keep a closer eye on the children   to keep them from falling off a cliff and that  serves a role in our community right and the 10   unanxious people probably would make good warriors  or hunters but they maybe would have a harder time   getting along with other people in the village  right people who have extremely low or no anxiety   tend not to worry about how they impact the people  around them and they can even end up as sociopaths.    Now as a community, we can value these differences  and find good roles for them instead   of labeling some as good and some as bad. It is  fair to say that some emotions are comfortable   and some are uncomfortable to have and in that  sense some are easier to experience and others   take more energy they're more challenging, but I  want you to ask yourself right now- has trying to   get rid of uncomfortable emotions made your life  better? Emotions are not bad, they can be functional.  When we stop getting in the way of their inherent  purpose and we flow with them, then we're able to   live better lives of meaning and integrity and as  an added bonus we're often able to resolve them.   In your workbook explore one of the recent intense  emotions that you had. What purpose could it have,   what was it trying to accomplish or show you,  what kind of action did it seem to be asking for?   Okay, I look forward to working with you on the  next skill. Thank you for watching, and take care!