what if I told you that the secret to becoming irresistible is learning to let go sounds kind of crazy right but it's true the more we chase the less attractive we become but when we learn to let go that's when we become magnetic when we attract instead of repel in this video you will discover the Paradox of attachment that is why the harder we cling the more things go away how Letting Go makes us more attractive and fun Mally changes not only our romantic relationships but our relationship with life itself let's start by talking about the Paradox of attachment why do we push people away when we chase them the subconscious signal that we are sending somebody when we pursue them when we are always present when we are always doing what they want we're being the nice guy the nice girl the people pleaser the perfect partner in security there is a subtle part of ourselves somewhere that is afraid if we stand up for ourselves we'll push the other person away we are not making them happy for them anymore we are making them happy subtly for us if we meet and I have nothing going on my week I say oh my gosh I'll spend the whole week with you cuz I really like you and at first in a relationship that's great oh my gosh let's spend the whole week together too but after a month or two you go this guy have nothing to do in his life what is am I the only thing he has like what is he doing spending all this time with me so the Paradox of attachment where scarcity becomes more attractive the people who are harder to reach who don't text back instantly they are more self-sufficient and they have more going on in their own life this was something I had a hard time with I had a lot of insecurity in relationships and when girls would say you know they needed our normal hangout day they scheduled with friends I would freak out say oh my gosh she's choosing her friends over me I was so insecure that I was not able to say hey yeah go hang out with your friends that's awesome I hope you have so much fun we'll talk about it later no I was like me me me and this is where we get into the intricacies of our relationship with life itself I believe that most people tend to have a codependent relationship not necessarily with their romantic Partners but with life itself we have a very hard time trusting that we'll be okay in life feeling like we've got it figured out that life has our back that things are going to go our way we feel typically very insecure when things aren't going our way when things are uncertain if you've been exposed to pop culture sometime in the last 1500 years you've probably noticed that a lot of the media we consume a lot of the messaging we are given by our culture by our society is that there is some special person out there we are supposed to find who will complete us they are our person they are our true love our soulmate our twinflame our whatever you want to call it our other half the implication being of course that you currently must be incomplete now what this does is this creates an image a very Vivid image in your mind about what your perfect person is supposed to be what they're going to make you feel like what they're going to do what your life together is going to look like in a sense I have imagined the ideal person for me that person does not exist because they are imag what I do then is I go around projecting onto other people who I hope they will be for me and other words I have a problem and I want you to solve it is the implicit understanding in this Arrangement the problem is that this does a great disservice to two real people who never actually meet each other because I am interacting with my idea of you and who I hope you will be and you are interacting with your idea of me and who you hope I will be you can see this in breakups because breakups by their very definition in reality happen when two people do not match and yet very frequently at least one sometimes both Partners in a breakup will be unhappy that the breakup has taken place they will want their person so to speak back but they don't really want the other person back we tend to think something like well if if only this had been different or I had done this different or this had changed what we're really doing is sort of making excuses saying well if only the situation had been a little bit more like I projected it would be if only they had been more like I imagined they were then this wouldn't have happened in other words my relationship had nothing or very little to do with who this person really was it was more to do with my idea of who I thought would make me feel better this is why chasing can push people away because a certain energetic chasing flirtation uh romance that's fun that's enjoyable but the subtly needy desperate chasing that comes from an inner relationship with life that is fundamentally insecure that says I'm not going to be okay that manifests in a compensation where I say you now are the thing I need to make me okay the thing that's going to make me feel whole and complete the people in these relationships are just people that's the thing the most beautiful attractive person you've ever met they're literally just another person they have the same insecurities they've had a lot of the same experiences a lot of different experiences but they are a complex living individual and they are crucially not the image of them that you have in your mind that you say this is my perfect person they're going to do all these things it's going to be awesome so they know that they're a normal person and if you've ever had somebody try really hard to sell you something or somebody who likes you so much that it's almost suspicious you know the feeling that that gives off that feels a little weird and this is the reason that Letting Go makes you significantly more attractive because Letting Go means what this person thinks of me does not determine my selfworth what this person wants does not necessarily determine what I think we're still going to aim to have a complete whole Partnership of a relationship but I am not going into this with the idea that I need this person for some reason because as long as I need this person for some reason I am actually trying to fulfill my own psychological lack because I don't really need that person I am not incomplete I do not have an other half as long as I believe that there is that person who I need to be my other half now I am depending on them based on my own psychological projection and thus I am clinging this is the clinging we need to let go of I am clinging not to who they really are and that's the disparity we see when there's a breakup when somebody says oh my gosh I can't believe we broke up we were per perfect for each other you weren't you broken up you were not perfect but what your perfect relationship was with was your idea you say oh my gosh if they were just a little bit more like my idea of them maybe if I had been a little bit more like their projection then it all would have been fine if I had been able to fit their idea of me better and they had been able to fit my idea of them better it would have all worked out we would have been clueless we would have living in a dream world but and the key to beginning to let go is to see that you are whole and complete and any projection otherwise is compensatory for a belief that is false you're trying to fill a hole that doesn't exist and when we stop chasing when we stop pursuing because we want something then something interesting happens when we have that power within ourselves we can radiate it out we can become a safe place for other people some of whom will be needy but some of whom will just resonate with your wholeness will say oh my gosh this person doesn't want anything from me they don't want me to be something for them they want to know who I really am and if I don't need you to be somebody for me if I'm not dependent on you for my well-being you will know I am genuinely interested in you not for me but for you and the relationships that can come out of this are much more authentic because they are two authentic people rather than a mixture of projections and Trauma and hopefully solving each other's fundamental flaws that is the recipe for codependency but once again this flows out of our relationship with life itself we tend to believe fundamentally that we're not okay that things aren't going to work out that we need to hold on to things we're so afraid we're so scarcity mindset oriented we think things like oh my gosh I'm never going to have enough money this job's not going to work out what if goes wrong the relationship temporarily offers a Band-Aid well at least while I'm with this person I don't feel so bad then the relationship falls apart because we are using it as a crutch not an authentic relationship and then we fall back to where we were before we were actually always there we just weren't looking at it because we had the Band-Aid we're thinking oh well at least I have this relationship relationship falls apart oh my gosh my life is terrible this is all falling apart no it always was surprise surprise it's okay it's okay you're human these things happen so don't stress out too much about it but the key is looking at the relationship as part of the symptoms it is a huge part of our lives and it should be relationships are great but they are not meant to fix us they do an amazing job however of revealing these insecurities so if you've watched this video so far congratulations you've probably had an experience that has revealed one of these wounds within yourself and you've thought oh my gosh how do I get this person back how do I get this Rel relationship back you can't because that relationship is gone that iteration you might get another relationship with the same person but you will be different people and that is a good thing when you want the relationship back what you really want back is your projection you say I want things to go back to the way they were maybe they weren't perfect but they were comfortable they were predictable I knew what things were going to look like and I enjoyed that sort of psychological security because it's a security blanket because we are fundamentally insecure we want the relationship to compensate so letting go then is bringing things back into frame of reality that person was never who I thought they were they might have some great qualities they might be an amazing person but they're not the person who's going to fix my life they're not the person who's going to save me who's going to make everything better or easy or or change everything and it's not going to be my savior they are not what I need they are not my person they are a potentially great person potentially terrible person who knows depends on your specific situation but the person who is going to be all of those things for you is you and the more we deny ourselves in constant projection chasing other people the more we erode our self-worth the more needy we become when you are confident with yourself when you have accepted yourself you become more attractive because you're not constantly showing people that you're insecure now that seems kind of cold to say so let me explain because I do not advocate for the opposite which is what a lot of people do which is they say well if I just act all tough and pretend not to care then I will get everybody and that might actually work in the short term but it's not a recipe for a holistic relationship with another person or with yourself what you're actually doing is covering up that vulnerable frightened part of yourself that you don't want to get rid ejected with a nice little piece of armor and saying well if I just never get too close if I'm always aloof they're going to want me if I'm always unavailable then you're playing the game and you're still almost as insecure and insecurity is the root of this attachment Paradox insecurity is the root of why chasing somebody pushes them away when you are constantly fishing for compliments when you're constantly asking for reassurance when you are constantly I don't know expecting a text back right away or wanting to be in constant contact with somebody the subconscious message you're sending is I'm insecure make me feel better I'm insecure I'm insecure I'm insecure and that's okay because most of us are insecure on some level but the key is realizing that the relationship will never fix that that is a different problem altogether the relationship at best is a Band-Aid true love involves you as well and so many people who are nice who are needy who are loving people in relationships put put that energy all on the other person they save no love for themselves if you truly had that two-way love including the love for yourself what would that look like in your relationship how would things be different how would they have been different where would you have stood up for yourself said you know you can go by yourself to that thing it's okay I don't feel like it or I'm going to go with my friends this night I'm going to go do this thing I want these things feel to the insecure person like they are going to push the other person away my neediness becomes more important to me than my own ability to be myself in other words I care more what this person says about me than what I think about me and in doing this we give away our power we erode our power make ourselves less attractive Letting Go energy is the opposite it's courageous authentic energy saying I feel like doing this and embracing your own desire your own Drive and then allowing if other people want to come along that's cool maybe you'll invite them but being the leader rather than the follower not necessarily in a relationship but in your own life and ultimately that is where Letting Go makes you attractive makes you magnetic is because you are in your own energy you are in your own being you are no longer projecting I need I need I need from you it's more centered more calm more I'm okay hey right here and that makes you significantly more interesting plus it's just a nicer place to be however many of us have these deeply buried attachments these deeply buried things that are clinging and we're holding on to and they make us feel so insecure so we try this compensation game so if you're stuck in that if you're stuck in that loop with your mind driving you crazy here's an exercise you can do that will help the process it might be a little tough but it is what is necessary psychologically for us to move on this is an exercise from one of my favorite spiritual teachers Anthony Dello close your eyes visualize the person this ex this person you're hung up on who you're imagining is going to be your perfect future but can't get with them for whatever reason these people we have projected who we really want they fulfill the feeling of lack we say oh I just they're going to make me feel whole think of those people and we say mentally I am grateful for having had you in my life thank you very much I appreciate you I love you but I have to go now I have a life that is outside of you I have a life that I have to go live for myself and I have to let you go say that a couple times maybe there's a couple people you need to mentally say that to couple couple things situations in your life where we say thank you for what you've given me I appreciate the learning opportunity I appreciate the time we had together but I have to be my own person I have to move forward in my life that has nothing to do with you anymore and that is okay we can move forward with a combination of gratitude and excitement to see what will come next at its core letting go is about seeing reality about no longer projecting about letting go of the attachment to both outcome which is imaginary it's a projection and our illusions of who people are and what they're going to do for us which is also imaginary letting go is about being authentic and real and this is a common issue that a lot of people have is how to open up how to be vulnerable how to connect with people authentically I've had a lot of conversations with my coaching clients about that more information in the description if you are curious the final thing that will make all of this easier is to change that relationship with life itself we need to understand our fundamental insecurities understand the areas we are trying to compensate the areas we're trying to avoid our deep fears that we are covering up and trying to work around and dive into them and if you want to know how to do that I have a video right here on inner child wounds and healing them it's one of my most popular videos people really seem to like it it's offered a lot of help to people to free ourselves we need to understand why it is we're trapped and we talk about that in that video thank you so much for watching we will see you next time bye-bye