Charisma. Author, Olivia Kabian. Chapter 1. Dispelling the Myth of Charisma.
Charisma makes other people love you, trust and imitate you. It is essential for a leader. It makes people want to work with you and your team. Moreover, everyone can learn it, it is not necessary to be sociable and physically attractive by nature, for example, look at the early speeches of Steve Jobs.
where he came across as timid and clumsy. Over the years, Jobs gradually strengthened his own charisma and he came to be considered one of the most charismatic people. Or Winston Churchill, who was neither stout nor sexy and was still considered one of the most powerful and powerful leaders in history. Or how Jeff Bezos has changed.
Chapter 2. Charismatic Types of Behavior. Charismatic behavior has three elements. First, presence.
Have you ever noticed in the course of a conversation that only half of your mind is involved in the process, while the other half is occupied with something else? We think we can pretend to be listening while we ourselves are thinking about something else. But if we are not fully present in communication, people will certainly see it. Remember, perhaps you yourself felt annoyed and annoyed at being ignored. After such people are considered hypocritical, and untrustworthy people.
To be present means to be aware of what is happening every second and to turn all your attention to the interlocutor, instead of allowing yourself to be immersed in your own thoughts.To learn to be present, do the following exercise, choose a quiet place, set a timer for one minute, and close your eyes. Then focus on the surrounding sounds, who makes them, how far away, their frequency, etc., on the breath, i.e. feel how you inhale and exhale the air and how your chest rises. or on the sensations in your toes to eye in the beginning, your mind will constantly wander somewhere, despite the fact that you will try your best to focus and you won't even have enough for one minute.
But even a slight increase in your ability to be present can have a decisive impact on those around you. In the next conversation, try to regularly check whether your mind is completely occupied, or it wanders somewhere else. Strive to return yourself to the current moment as often as possible, again focusing on the interlocutor.
that. You will make it clear that you are listening to him for real and he will be very grateful to you for this. This will set you apart from the crowd and make you memorable. Secondly, strength and warmth.
A strong personality is perceived as a person capable of influencing the world around him using influence or power, large sums of money, intellect or physical strength.We look for signs of strength in someone's appearance, in other people's reactions to that person, and in their body language. Warmth is kindness towards other people. Being warm means being caring and willing to help.
Warmth is assessed through body language and behavior. And when we first see a person, we begin to look for features of strength and warmth in him, for example, expensive clothing leads us to assume wealth, friendly body language suggests good intentions, and a confident posture suggests that a person has reason to believe in himself. By demonstrating more strength and warmth, you increase your charisma.
In this case, you must have both traits. Showing only strength, you will be perceived as an arrogant and cold person. If you show only warmth, you will look like a soft, supple person.
When talking, each person has micro-expressions on their faces. They last only a fraction of a second, but your interlocutor will catch them. And if there is a discrepancy between our main facial expression and the micro-expression, then on a subconscious level, people will feel that something is wrong here. Because what's in your head shows up in your body, charismatic behavior must start in your mind first.
If your inner state is anti-charismatic, sooner or later some of your secret thoughts and feelings will come out. Those.First you need to learn how to manage your internal state. The key feature of charisma is that your mind cannot distinguish fact from fiction.
Surely you have noticed how your heart rate increases when watching horror films, although you understand that this is just a movie. And yet your brain, seeing this picture, releases a fair dose of adrenaline into your nervous system right now, imagine scratching a chalkboard with your fingernails or munching on a lemon, and your mind will give you very real physical reactions, goosebumps, salivation, etc. Because your brain can't tell what's real from what's real, imaginary situations cause it to send the same commands to your body as it would in a real situation, whatever comes to your mind will affect your body in one way or another.
Therefore, It is so important to manage your internal state, as this will affect your gestures and facial expressions. Surely you have heard about the placebo effect, when people are convinced that they drank the medicine, when in fact it was just sugar. And it made people feel better, and the pain subsided.
But there is also a nocebo effect. Those. Your mind, in response to fictional causes, creates harmful effects in the body.
For example. People who are allergic to ivy were told that they rub them with its leaves, when in fact they rub them with absolutely safe plants. And because of the nocebo effect, in these places, people broke out in a rash.
Those. If we think that we are failures, it will reflect on ourselves. Before we continue, a little ad, if you're in need of a good business communications platform, the UIS platform is perfect for you. This service will allow you to fully control your business via the internet. Recording conversations will help the manager remember what the conversation was about and prepare for the next contact, and the manager will always be able to find out why the transaction did not take place.
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And the best part is that cloud technologies make these functions available even to the smallest business. No wonder UIS has the highest rating on Yandex in this segment. See for yourself. Follow the link in the description and get the first month of service for free. Chapter 3. What interferes with presence, strength, and warmth?
First, physical discomfort. Imagine that you are negotiating and the sun begins to blind you. Because of this discomfort, emotions similar to anger or disapproval will appear on your face.
Your interlocutor will notice this and think that your reaction was caused by his words, which may cause the deal to fail. It can be not only external, but also internal discomfort, for example, hunger. They found that low blood glucose levels lead to decreased attention. as well as difficulties in regulating emotions and behavior.
Why will it be more difficult for you to control your internal state? Remember, any discomfort reduces your charisma. There are three ways to deal with discomfort. First, prevent those. Plan ahead for your upcoming meeting so that it has a comfortable temperature, low noise levels, proper lighting, and delicious food.
Prepare clothes in which you will not be hot and not cold. It should not embarrass you and cause itching. Second, understand. You need to be present in the present moment every minute, so you will immediately understand when you begin to experience the slightest discomfort.
And third, explain. If you realize that something has caused tension on your face, don't wait for your expression to be misinterpreted, explain the problem. For example, say that it is too noisy, hot, etc. This will help you all avoid possible problems.
Secondly, mental discomfort. It can be the result, first, of anxiety. We often worry about uncertainty, which is why we begin to wind up the most negative consequences for ourselves.
It is easier for people to hear a negative outcome than to be in limbo. Our intolerance for uncertainty can cause us to make premature decisions. And in negotiations, we strive to fill the silence and reveal more than necessary, unable to bear the uncertainty and ignorance of what the partner is thinking.
Uncertainty causes anxiety, and anxiety is a serious disadvantage for charisma. It affects our internal state and it becomes difficult to be fully present when you feel agitated. In addition, anxiety can shake our confidence.
Or we can go through different scenarios in our head all day, which will not allow us to focus on anything other, i.e. we are in constant tension. The most effective technique that can alleviate the discomfort of uncertainty is the transfer of responsibility. To do this, do the following exercise, sit down, close your eyes and relax. Take three deep breaths, imagining how the breeze blows over you, washing away all problems and worries.
Choose a subject God or the universe and imagine how you remove the burden of all your worries and worries from your shoulders and shift it onto the shoulders of your chosen subject. Now you are no longer responsible for the outcome of any of the events scrolling in your head, it is he who now bears all the responsibility. And you can relax and enjoy life. You will feel lighter, because as mentioned earlier, your brain is not able to distinguish truth from fiction.
The next time you realize that your level of excitement has exceeded a certain norm, do a quick visualization to transfer responsibility. And you will feel relief, peace, and serenity. Secondly, self-criticism. When the inner voice begins to criticize us, this causes an involuntary physical reaction, known as the threat reaction.
The human body secretes adrenaline and cortisol, stress hormones, and directs all its resources to perform the most important functions. increased heart rate and breathing rate, muscle response, visual acuity, etc. And non-urgent functions, for example, analytical thinking, creative abilities for cognition and problem solving, are suspended, since they have no meaning in the process of physical survival.
Self-criticism is also called the silent killer of business. Since inner voices critics predict failure and a person gives up everything. Thirdly, self-doubt. Because of self-doubt, we doubt our own ability to do something.
We think we don't have something or we're not good enough at it. Therefore, we are affected by the imposter syndrome. Those working in a large company or enrolling in free training, we believe that we are just lucky and will be discovered at any moment.
Because of this, we may experience a semblance of paralysis in the midst of an important exam or an inexplicable fear of the audience. Standing in front of her, we freeze in place, our heart beats frantically, And sweat appears on the palms. We try desperately to remember what we plan to say or do, but a vacuum forms in our head.
Chapter 4 First Step, De-stigmatize the discomfort. Those. You realize that everything is going well and quite within the usual framework, and you simply have nothing to worry about and nothing to be ashamed of.
It's natural, everyone goes through it. Even thick Nathcon. a monk who has practiced Buddhism for many years and his peace itself, once got very angry with one person.
He even wanted to stand up and hit him. But if you dwell on negative thoughts, emotions and experiences and feel that they should not have happened, it will become increasingly difficult for you to overcome them. So once you start experiencing them, realize that there are 7 billion people in the world. Man and at any given time millions are experiencing the same thing as you. And this was experienced even by those who command your well-deserved respect and admiration.
This kind of invisible connection with other people is very beneficial and has the same calming effect as the transfer of responsibility. Those. We understand that we are not alone.
Once we begin to treat these feelings as normal and to be expected, they become much easier to bear. Therefore, as soon as something happens, remember that you are not alone. The second step is to neutralize the negative.
You need to assume that your thoughts do not have to be correct. Even when it seems to you that someone is reacting negatively to you, in fact it may not have anything to do with you personally. Perhaps the person is hungry, sick, or dead tired, or experiencing some mental or physical discomfort that is struggling to get it under control. Our minds mostly focus on the negative, and we take positive messages for granted.
For example, imagine that you are told that you are a great employee and an outstanding designer, but the boss is not overly impressed with your first meeting. Thanks to you, the whole department works much better and many more positive words about you. Of all the positive messages, you will focus on the fact that the boss is not impressed with you. From this, you can wind yourself up so much that you become nervous every time you meet him.
Therefore, when a negative thought jumps into your head, Try to neutralize it. For example, imagine hearing your mental chatter from your radio, then turn down the volume and move it to a different location to forget about it. Or depersonalize your feelings. Those.
As mentioned earlier, realize that this feeling is experienced not only by you, but also by millions of people around. The main thing is not to enter into an argument with your thoughts and do not try to suppress them, so you will only aggravate the situation. Remember the principle of the white elephant. Third step, rethinking reality. Imagine that you are driving to work.
Suddenly someone cuts you off and you slam on the brakes in a panic. And then this car cuts off someone else and is carried away. At this point, you will probably experience stress and anger, and for the rest of the day you will remember this moment and get angry, which is why your level of charisma will decrease.
But what if that crazy driver was a mother whose child was choking and she needed to get him to the hospital as soon as possible? In this case, you would surely calm down and even sympathize with her. This technique is called cognitive reappraisal and is effective in reducing stress levels.
In most situations, we do not know for sure what motivates this or that person and what explains his actions. Therefore, we could choose the most useful explanation for ourselves. That You artificially mislead yourself and deceive your brain.
So when experiences come up that put you at risk of weakening your charisma level, come up with a few different scenarios that would encourage you to find a more favorable psycho-emotional state. For example, if there's a traffic jam, you're late and you get angry, imagine that being late might save your life. If there was no traffic jam, then a truck that is now crossing the intersection could crash into you. Or it will give the people you want to meet the opportunity to handle some urgent business, call someone or finish your speech, and they will be grateful for your lateness.
Then transfer all responsibility to some subject. And if you are very worried, then write down the new reality on paper. Thoughts expressed in writing affect our brain more actively, and we convince ourselves much more effectively. It is better to write in the past tense. For example, write, the performance made a splash or i was hired this technique can be applied in other cases as well for example think of a person who offended you in some way but never apologized to you surely you have negative feelings for this person and you can no longer talk normally with him take a piece of paper and write this person a letter outlining everything you would like to say to him So you throw out all the emotions that you hold back in yourself.
Then take another sheet and write now his answer, how upset he is that he offended you, admits that he was wrong and apologizes for all the troubles that occurred through his fault. Write whatever you would like to hear from him. And then read it over a few times. That. You are fooling your brain again.
He will decide that the letter was written by the person with whom you are angry. and all the anger that you previously experienced will simply disappear. Comfort from discomfort.
When you feel any discomfort, analyze it instead of trying to suppress or ignore it. By focusing on the small details of physical discomfort, you serve two purposes. First, your brain begins to focus on something instead of panicking. Secondly, by immersing yourself in your feelings, you gain full presence, and as we know, this is a key component of charisma.
Therefore, even in uncomfortable situations, you will have charisma. Perform the following exercise, find a partner, sit opposite him and look into each other's eyes for a minute. As soon as you feel discomfort, pay attention to which part of your body you experience it. For example, your jaw or stomach may tighten. Dive into each sensation to feel its texture, pressure, tingle, etc.
Imagine yourself as a scientist who needs to describe all these sensations. When you feel a strong urge to laugh, say something, or somehow reduce your discomfort, resist and immerse yourself even more in these sensations. You can cheer yourself up and remind yourself that you are doing interesting work that will be rewarded. And when the discomfort seems unbearable, remind yourself that it will pass, like all other emotions that you have experienced before, and you will feel much better. Over time, your sense of discomfort will seem somehow distant and unreal.
Remember this and remind yourself every time new experiences seem endless and unbearable to you. This is a very useful technique that will simultaneously distract you from discomfort and maintain the necessary focus in a particular situation. It is very useful for the discomfort of silence in negotiations, since the one who can endure silence to a lesser extent usually gives in.
Therefore, train yourself every day. For example, look people in the eye and do not lower them, even if the process starts to make you uncomfortable. Stand closer to people than usual, such as in an elevator.
On the bus, stand facing everyone. Or talk to some stranger on the street, for example, when waiting for a bus or standing in line. At first, these exercises can make you feel extremely awkward and a little embarrassed, but by practicing every day you will notice that this will no longer bother you.
Chapter 5. Creation of Charismatic Psycho-Emotional States. You need to start visualizing. Professional athletes spend hours chasing the moments of their victory in their heads, working out in detail everything that they want to achieve from their own body. This kind of visualization activates the parts of the brain that are used when you do a particular exercise. Those.
Visualization can physically change the structure of the brain. So the mental representation of playing the piano with a sufficient number of repetitions leads to changes in the motor cortex of the brain. This is why visualization is so effective.
Actors, for example, transform into stage characters and actually experience the feelings that they would like to convey to the audience. Why are they perceived as natural and harmonious? In fact, you can demonstrate any body language, i.e. any facial expressions and gestures, only by choosing the right visualization.
For example, close your eyes and remember the happiest moment in your life. Remember everything down to the smallest detail. Listen to the sounds that were then. Pay attention to the smiles of people, the expression of warmth and admiration in their eyes. Most importantly, experience these feelings and experience increased self-confidence.
And the more you practice, the more you will be able to The more realistic your visualizations will become. When your confidence is at its peak, secure it with a word or movement. For example, say out loud, I can handle it, or rushed, and make some kind of movement, such as forcefully clench your fist or snap your fingers.
You can also play some music. The next time you feel insecure, turn on the music, say the affirmative word out loud, and repeat the movement. And you will feel a surge of confidence.
But it needs to be worked out as often as possible. And before every important performance, get to the venue early. Find yourself a quiet place, turn on uplifting music, and run through your mind how brilliantly your performance is going and how enthusiastically the audience is reacting to it. To feel better in moments of excitement, you need to get a good dose of oxytocin, often referred to as the confidence hormone.
We found out that 22 hugs is enough for you to start producing oxytocin, and that the same effect can be achieved only by imagining a hug. So next time imagine yourself in the strong arms of a loved one. Napoleon Hill mentally imagined nine famous personalities as his personal advisors, Thomas Edison, Charles Darwin, Abraham Lincoln, and others.
And every night he turned to someone with a certain problem. And his mind found solutions to these questions. Choose your own advisors according to the emotions they embody. For example, Napoleon Bonaparte was Napoleon Hill's advisor on self-confidence.
Imagine yourself addressing prominent personalities and having a conversation with them. Thanks to the placebo reaction of your brain, it will work, even if it seems unrealistic. This is a very powerful tool.
Then you need to learn how to generate a feeling of warmth. There are three steps for this. The first step is gratitude and appreciation. If you are able to express gratitude, then your body language will be able to instantly reflect this, your facial expression will soften and your body will relax.
Body language will begin to convey warmth and self-confidence, which is why people around you will find it very attractive. But most people take positive life experiences for granted, which keeps them from entering a state of gratitude. Therefore, focus on some modest, sometimes inconspicuous things that are physically present or accompany you in life.
on the rays of the sun, on birdsong, at the delicious breakfast and every little detail. Or look at yourself in a positive light and write down everything you have. For example, I'm doing great with my health, I have a good job, I have many friends, everyone appreciates and loves me. So you will see that everything is not so bad with you and many would dream of living such a life. The second step is kindness and compassion.
Kindness is about wishing the best for everyone. Focusing on someone's well-being will make you feel more attached to them, it will show on your face and people will perceive you as warm and your charisma will increase. Try to find three details, circumstances, or reasons why you like the person you want to be kind to. For this, some little things are enough, for example, shoes polished to a shine, the fact that a person is never late or jokes a lot.
When you focus on something positive, your body language changes too. There are two more exercises. First, visualization.
In any communication, you need to mentally imagine as if the person with whom you are talking, as well as everyone around you, had angel wings behind their backs. If even for a split second you can see in someone a good and decent person, it will soften your emotional reaction towards him and change the whole body language. Or you can silently say a few phrases to yourself, such as I like you or you're so cool. Second, compassion.
If the person to whom you would like to show kindness is rather grumpy or picky, or you feel annoyed or resentful towards him, then use empathy and compassion. Empathy is when you understand how a person feels, you may have experienced this in the past too. And compassion is empathy plus goodwill, that is, you understand how a person feels and wish him well.
Those. Imagine his past. What if you were born under the same circumstances as him, in the same family?
and received a similar upbringing. If you experienced all the same, you yourself would become the same as him. Now try to put yourself in his shoes right now. See the world through his eyes.
And think about what emotions this person could hold inside himself. And to show compassion, imagine that this is the last day of this person's life. Or imagine his funeral.
You will immediately feel sorry for him, and you will treat him with understanding. The third step is self-compassion. Warmth should be directed not only to other people, but also inward, to ourselves. People with high levels of self-compassion show greater emotional resilience to everyday challenges, such as when they receive negative feedback. They also have a lower rejection rate.
Those personal mistakes cause less self-criticism, and thus people are more willing to admit them. Self-compassion is what helps us forgive ourselves when we have failed, which gives us more self-confidence. And thanks to this, we are not overwhelmed by internal criticism.
The process of self-compassion consists of three steps. First, we need to recognize that we are experiencing difficulties. Secondly, instead of subjecting yourself to harsh criticism, you need to show kindness and understanding towards yourself.
And thirdly, you need to realize that these experiences are experienced by all people. And there is nothing like that. Our inner critic wants to convince us that all other people in the world are successful and only we spoil everything. But in fact, every person has experienced or will experience the same emotions that you are now.
This will help you realize that you are not the only one. When your inner critic wakes up, do the ancient Buddhist practice of metta, sit, close your eyes, And take three deep breaths. Think of any time in your life when you did a good deed. Now again imagine a certain subject. Look at yourself through his eyes, radiating warmth, kindness, and compassion.
Feel how he forgives you for everything negative that your inner critic says. Now you are completely forgiven. You are free from negativity and pure. Feel how he expresses his full approval to you and accepts you as you are. Thanks to this exercise, people were found to have an increase in the left prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for good mood.
Your body also directly influences your emotions. Try to imitate the body language of an extremely depressed person. Lower your shoulders and head, and make the same expression on your face, as if you are ready to cry.
In this state, no matter how hard you try, you will not be able to feel joyful excitement. Now take a joyful pose. Straighten your shoulders, smile, or dance. And you will immediately have fun. And to feel confident, imagine yourself in the role of a general.
Stand up straight, inflate your chest and straighten your shoulders. And you will feel a surge of confidence from such a decisive pose. Those. You can be seen as a strong, charismatic person just by showing more confident body language. Chapter 6. First Charismatic Impressions.
You will never get a second chance to make a good first impression. In the first minutes, people will be able to assess the level of your intelligence, professionalism, friendliness, and confidence. And these first assessments can remain with people for many years. And it will take you much longer to convince them.
Once we have already made a certain judgment about a person, we spend the rest of our acquaintance in order to confirm our opinion. Everything we see and hear passes through the filter of our initial evaluation. But we can also make a good first impression.
First, people like people who look like them. When people have similar clothes, looks, mannerisms and speech, they automatically assume that they live in a similar social environment, they have similar education and the same values. Appearance is judged much before behavior and body language. Therefore, first, wherever you are invited, scout the situation.
Or it may happen that you come to the company in a formal suit, while all the employees are hanging around the office in shorts and t-shirts. Secondly, the handshake. Many people make mistakes when shaking hands, for example, someone's hand looks like a dead fish.
This leaves an unpleasant feeling. and people usually associate it with the spinelessness of a person. Others squeeze their hand until it crunches. This makes you look aggressive and tough.
Others greet each other by holding out their hand, palm down. They want to show their advantage in communication. Such a person will be perceived as aggressive and domineering and it will be difficult to establish mutually beneficial cooperation with him. In order not to succumb to hidden aggression, Grab the person's hand from above by the wrist and then shake it. With this method, you already become the master of the situation, because you take over the hand of the interlocutor.
After a handshake, a conversation usually starts. An easy way to strike up a conversation with a person is to compliment one of the items or the style of your interlocutor's clothing. Then ask an open-ended question such as, Where did you buy this jacket?
or Where are you from? And whatever place he tells you, say, cool, I was only passing through there, and you probably grew up there? Is it true what's in there? Then you can ask where he stayed, for how long, etc.
Aim to keep your questions focused on positive things, because people will associate you with whatever feelings you have with them. Those. If you ask him about his divorce or why he was fired from his last job, He will unconsciously associate these negative feelings with you. If you are asked questions, use the reflection technique to redirect your attention to your interlocutor.
To do this, give an answer, add a personal note and forward the question to the interlocutor. For example, if he asks where you're flying, say, oh, I'm flying to Italy. I like going to the Colosseum. Have you ever been there?
Remember. A person will listen to you for many hours if you talk to him about himself. But don't wait too long to end the conversation. Otherwise, you and your partner will feel tension and discomfort. The easiest way to end a conversation is to have a good reason for it.
Therefore, say that you were glad to see him, but you still have a lot of things to do or you need to help someone. When you want to cheer up or inspire someone, say what you want from them, but don't use negative terms. For example, don't say things like don't worry or call me without any hesitation. Think of the white elephant telling you not to do something, our brain, on the contrary, gets hung up on it.
So here, on the contrary, a person will worry and hesitate. So say, cheer up and call me anytime. This is where the book comes to an end.
But from the book itself, you can learn much more, because it is very cool. Do not forget to subscribe to the channel. like and click on the bell, and also leave a comment, because only thanks to you the channel develops.
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