I have fallen down a rabbit hole of filia laws and we really need to start talking about this because yes, the boomer generation has quite literally had every single public benefit handed directly to them and they've pulled the ladder up from them as they've moved up so that way they didn't have to pay for it for the next generations. Which means that this generation not only had pension plans, not only had 401ks, not only had like a great a thriving economy when they were young adults so they can get those really good jobs that were longlasting, they got all the great opportunities. They got cheap real estate that they could invest in that grew so much that now they bought a $30,000 or probably more like $60,000 house that now is worth like $400 $500,000. All of those great opportunities to be able to have a luscious retirement plan they have had and they have the laws that after all they go through all of this. So if they don't take the responsibility to plan at all, they can still then take advantage of their children. And the reason I say take advantage is because if they did not take the responsibility to plan for their retirement and then the state sees that their children somehow can just take care of their parents, the state can just go after the children and say, "Hey, now you're responsible for your parents. Good luck." Even though the parents have had like 70 years to plan for their retirement and they just chose not to. To me, that is taking advantage. That is hoping that your children will just figure it out one day and you don't have to figure it out for yourself. And it's frustrating because the boomer generation has literally had every opportunity to plan for their retirement and has had every advantage when it comes to the market and their retirement. So if they could just turn around and then say, "Well, now that we didn't plan properly despite having every opportunity, we're going to force this onto you guys to pay for and we're going to cut funding to every public benefit that we would have benefited from." It's so frustrating. Like we need to have public benefits for the elder care because if we don't, we're not going to be able to afford their care. Retirement homes are way too expensive. In-house care is way too expensive. People don't have the freedom to even stay home and take care of their children, let alone elderly parents. What do you expect them to do? You know, there's a lot of people who have just discovered the existence of filio laws in various states across the union. I have some thoughts. Let's just ignore the rampant amounts of abuse that's going to happen when these elderly people move in with people that don't like them and don't want them there. You understand how goddamn funny it would be if my parents had to move in with me. I'm in fully no contact with them for many years now for various reasons. Let them move in with me. I dare you to. Oh, we going to have a bedtime. It's 9:00 p.m. That car for you is set in stone, sir. No, you cannot have my car keys to go anywhere. You will sit at the house until I decide it's time for you to go somewhere. Oh, you want a special meal for your dietary needs? No, you're going to eat what everybody else is eating. You're going to eat what I cook. You want your friends to come over? No, I don't think I'm going to do that. My house, my rules. And no, you're not allowed to practice your religion here. My house, my rules. And I will be watching very loud at random times throughout the day, and you're just going to have to deal with it because you're here by law. Oh god, this is going to be so funny. It's going to be horrible for them, but it's going to be really funny for all of us who are made to take care of people that didn't want to take care of us properly. So, I love that for you guys. I've tried to do this video so many times without laughing. But let's go ahead and get it over with. I just got word of this Phil filio law. Okay. If I got to take care of my mama. Okay, cool. And if I got some extra corn, I'mma make sure you know we take shifts. Okay. But to that man that told me we don't never have to speak again. To that man that talked so much [ __ ] up in my text messages and on my voicemail. To that man that literally got away with doing bareing minimum. I'm talking bare minimum from my throughout my childhood. Go ahead and put me in the jail, honey. He said you won't never hear from me again. Stand on that. Stand on it cuz go ahead and put me in jail. If that's a that's a law, I'm I just watched two videos about the filial laws. Um, one was a very informational video and then right after was um a fellow millennial. I I believe she was a millennial basically crashing out over this filio law thing that's going to affect us. Um, and then I just I had some thoughts. I had some thoughts. Now, mind you, my thoughts are very similar to all the rest of um us millennials and, you know, Gen Z and maybe the the the youngest of the youngest Gen Xers who are like 29 29 states, 29 states have that filial law where we're going to have to we're going to be required to take care of our parents if they don't have the proper funds to take care of themselves. Mind you, we don't even have it. We don't even have it to take care of our Never mind. That that's been that's the that's the normal discourse right now. But this is the thought that just got in my head. What's going to happen with the folks that have gone no contact with their parents? Will those folks have to take care of these people who they do not want to be involved with possibly ever again? So according to the law, they will have to take care of and give their hard-earned money to people who they've gone no contact because they are narcissists, they're racists, they were abusive to them. That's wild. That makes me so angry for those people who took a stand and distanced themselves from toxic parents, from toxic boomer parents. The ones that they've gone no contact with because they just cannot align with them on a political stance or um they've treated their children badly. like the their grandchildren. So, their children decided to go no no no contact. You can't take out two generations under you. So, we we they're gonna they're going to have to take care of them. That's nuts. And because those people are already malicious, cuz if you've gone no contact, things things got real bad. I I can just imagine the gloating. Like it makes me sick to my stomach. Well, you have to take care of me. The law said I need groceries. It's like, yeah, but your grandchildren, I don't care. I need them first. You could go to jail. Like, and I understand that. I I I did my re I read up on it, right? Um, so after the first very informational video, I went and I read up on it a little bit. I get it. It'll be a rare circumstance supposedly, but I don't think so. Something in my heart of hearts feels like it won't be. Especially for those type of people who are like, "Well, you weren't talking to me. Now you got to talk to me. You got to take care of me." And those are the folks that last the longest. They last a long long time because they're they're just so mean and spiteful that they live to 103. This sounds awful. This was a horrible idea. And who voted that in? The boomers. They voted this in for themselves. What are the no contact people going to do? Hey everyone, welcome back to the channel. So, imagine this scenario, right? You've been estranged from your parents for most of your adult life. Maybe they were emotionally abusive, they neglected you, or simply an irreparable breakdown in the relationship. You've built a life of your own. Perhaps you started a family. And finally, you have found peace in your life. Then out of nowhere, you get a letter in the mail. It's a bill for thousands of dollars in unpaid nursing home expenses or medical cost. And the name on that bill, your parents. And the shocking part is the state or care provider is demanding that you have to pay for it. It sounds unbelievable, right? But this isn't fiction and this might start happening pretty soon if it's not already happening. So, in 26 states across the US, so-called filia responsibility laws can legally force children to cover the cost of care for their elderly or indigent parents even if there has been no contact between them for years. So what are these laws exactly and how do they work? Filar responsibility laws are statutes that impose a legal duty on adult children to provide financial support for their parents when they cannot meet basic living or healthcare needs. These laws date back to colonial times. And although many of them have remained dormant or uninforced for decades, they're still on the books in more than half of the country. So the laws vary by state, but in general, they authorize health care providers, nursing homes, or even state agencies to pursue reimbursement from adult children if a parent becomes a public charge or fails to pay for their care. This include things like long-term care, hospitalization, food, shelter, and sometimes even burial costs. So, let's break this down a little bit further. States that currently have affiliate responsibility laws include Pennsylvania, Virginia, North Dakota, Iowa, South Dakota, Arkansas, and around 20 others. One of the most well-known cases occurred in Pennsylvania in 2012. A man named John Pittas was held legally responsible for nearly $93,000 in unpaid nursing home bills after his mother left the country without paying. Even though other family members existed and even though he had no control over her financial decisions, the court ruled that he had the ability to pay and that was enough. He lost the case. Under these laws, there is usually no requirement for a close relationship or any past financial support. You could be estranged, abused, or completely uninvolved and still find yourself on the hook. Courts tend to focus on two things. Whether the parent is indigent and whether the adult child is financially capable of providing support. So, the types of financial obligations include paying off long-term care facility bills, reimbursing the state for Medicaid services, covering medical debt, providing ongoing support like housing, food, or necessities, and the penalties for non-compliance can range from civil lawsuits and garnished wages to, in extreme cases, criminal charges. In states like Vermont, failure to support a parent in need can technically result in jail time, up to two years, and a $300 fine. Now, let's talk about the impact. These laws can be devastating for adult children who are just trying to live their lives. Many people don't even know such laws exist until they're served with a notice or they're sued. And by that point, it's often too late to avoid the financial hit. For families who've experienced abuse or estrangement, the idea of being legally tied to a parent they've worked so hard to distance themselves from can feel like a violation. It forces people to re relive past trauma and shoulder a burden they never agreed to carry. And for working and middle-class families, this can completely destabilize their finances. Imagine having your wages garnished or facing bankruptcy just because a parent you no longer speak to can't pay their nursing home bill. It doesn't seem fair, and many argue that it really isn't. This also brings up serious questions about personal autonomy and justice. Why should someone be financially punished for another adults decision, especially if that person didn't contribute to their life or their well-being? Why should adult children become the state's safety net when social services and elder care systems should be more robust and better funded? In truth, the resurgence of interest in affiliate responsibility laws is largely due to rising healthcare costs and ongoing aging population and underfunded public programs. Some care providers and state agencies see adult children as a convenient way to shift cost away from Medicaid or Medicare. And instead of reforming these systems, they simply passed the financial burden down a generation. To be clear, not every state enforces these laws, and not every lawsuit is successful. In many cases, adult children can defend themselves by proving that the parent abandoned them or abused them, that they are not financially capable of paying, that other family members are more responsible, or that the parent qualifies for Medicaid or other form of assistance. But even when defense exists, legal battles are expensive. They're emotionally draining and timeconuming and the average person may not even know where to start. So what can you do if you live in a state with these laws? The first thing that I would recommend is getting formed. Find out whether your state has responsibility laws on the books. You can check legal databases, state statutes, or other resources that I will leave in the description box. Second, consult with an attorney, especially one who specializes in elderly law or estate planning. They can help you understand your rights, plan your finances, and protect yourself from unexpected liabilities. Third, have an open conversation with your parents and your siblings about elderly care. long-term care insurance, Medicaid eligibility, and financial planning. As uncomfortable as those conversations may be, they could even save you thousands of dollars and years of stress down the road. And finally, advocate for reform. If you believe these laws are unjust, which I mean they are, contact your local representative. Many of these laws are outdated and haven't been revised in decades. Raising awareness and pushing for change is the only way to ensure that people aren't unfairly punished for circumstances outside of their control. And finally, filia responsibility laws are a quiet but dangerous threat to adult children in many parts of the US. While originally intended to protect elderly parents, they can easily become tools for financial and emotional harm, especially in families where there's a history of neglect, abuse, or abandonment. It's time that we bring these laws out of the shadows and have an honest conversation about what fairness, accountability, and compassion really looks like in the context of family care. because no one should have to choose between their mental health and their family stability. The other thing that came up in my comments with regard to no contact parents was a really interesting point that someone mentioned, which is basically that part of the reason why, you know, we're seeing this dynamic that's been manifesting between no contact, low contact adult children and their boomer and Gen X parents is because a lot of boomers and Gen Xers didn't even want to have kids. They didn't even want kids. They had kids because that's what they were expected to do. That's what everybody else was doing. That was the expectations. You just have kids because that's what you're supposed to do when you get to a certain age. And it's true. And I think that's a discussion that we need to have. A lot of y'all [ __ ] did not want children. And it showed in how you raised us. A lot of y'all were pressured into having children, trying to keep up with the Joneses. There was a Tik Tocker uh who responded to someone asking why, you know, why are parents like this? Like why are they like acting like this? Speaking about Gen X and boomer parents. And this woman was a Gen Xer. I couldn't find it. This was so long ago that I saw this. But basically, she replied with an anecdote from her own life. And she said this, I'm paraphrasing, of course. She was like, "When I was, you know, when it was like the ' 80s and the '9s, she's a Gen X. When I was a young adult and I was out here struggling, right? And this was the advice that I got. Just have a kid. Just have a kid and then you can apply for welfare and apply for government programs and you're good to go." And she was like, "This was the common advice that I received." And of course, this is specific to her and her situation, her circle, but she said that so many people in her circle, so many people that she knew, Gen Xers, had children for this reason. So, a lot of our parents had us for all the wrong reasons, which is why we had so many struggles growing up with them because that manifested in their parenting. This was the last thing my mom said to me via voicemail before she officially disowned me. Some backstory, I was conceived through IVF, which was very expensive in the 80s and not at all covered by insurance. Around the time that I was conceived, my dad was convicted of several amounts of fraud. So like wire fraud, credit card fraud, sprinkle it with some perjury. So I was no question conceived with blood money. Anyway, as I became more independent, my parents really turned up the abuse. And even after I moved out when they became violent, I did not immediately go no contact. I was trying to stay civil for the next 2 years. So with therapy, I got very strict with boundaries and consequences. My mom did not like that. So, the very last thing my mom said to me was, "Neta, you need to get blood tested because I don't think you're actually my daughter because if you were my daughter, you'd actually want to be a part of this family." I think, Neta, that they put the wrong embryos in me when you were conceived. Side note, that did happen in the '8s. There were cases of IVF where the doctors were putting the wrong embryos in the wrong bodies. And my mom came to the conclusion that I must be one of those cases because if I was really her daughter, I would want to obey her even if she's abusive. Anyways, I had signed up to do 23 and me so fast cuz I really would have loved to entertain the idea that I'm not related to these abusive people, but it confirmed I'm 97% Iranian, 1% South Asian, and 2% Mongolian. I guess the Mongolian part confirms why I don't have a problem being a genus when I have to be. I finally cut my mom off. I hate that this is my reality. I don't want to be the child who has to cut off their only living parent because the dynamic is so abusive and toxic. But it is the reality and it's the only thing left to do. Just can't be the bad guy anymore. And I don't understand how she sees it that way. I don't understand how she can look at her little girl who just wants her mom to be her mom as someone who is evil and out to get her. I'm not out to get her. I'm not out to hurt her. I just want my mommy. And she can't be that. She can't be that. And the dynamic is only hurting both of us. this unfortunately an all too common thing I think with millennials and their parents recently and I I don't know what it is. This isn't just a case of someone arguing with their mom or not agreeing with their mom or not liking her or whatever. I'm not going to get into the specifics in this video of the things that she has done, but it was bad enough for me to be removed from her custody as a child. So, she can never own up to the things she has done, to the things she's still doing. She can never say, "I'm sorry." She can never commit to trying to be better. Her thing is always that I have to move on because she's my mom. She's my blood. I'm going to regret this when she dies. I'm her blood, too. I'm her child. I'm her blood, too. They have to be done. I can't do this anymore. You can't heal wounds that are constantly being ripped back open all the time. I have spent the last 28 years trying to heal wounds that you would think are fresh and they are from decades ago because they keep getting ripped back open and ripped wider. Came to a head today when we were talking. She really wants me to hear her about a massive revelation that has come to light about my family. She wants me to hear her truth. And I said, "I'll do that. If you can also hear mine, we can move through it together and try to heal and change this dynamic." And she pretty much said she's not willing to hear me. And so I have to close the book. The book on my mom has to be closed. She is the source for almost all of my wounds, all of my trauma, all of my fears. She is at the core of all of it. And I have to close the book on her. And it really sucks. The only way I'm going to heal, it's the only way I can move forward. And I don't know why I'm sharing this for community. I'm trying to be brave. I'm trying to be brave and courageous in my life and take control. I deserve to be happy and create the life that's in my dreams and leave behind what's in my nightmares. And I don't know what's going to happen next. And I'm scared. It feels like I finally did what I needed to do for a long time today. And I'm really sad and I wish I didn't have to do it. I wish I had a mommy. I want my mom so badly, but it's the idea of what I've always wanted and needed her to be. It's not who she is or who she can be. And I have to accept that and we have to move on. I have to let her go. But I love you, Mom, and I'm sorry. And I hope you'll be okay. Watch a video together and then chat about it. when I feel like I was a good mom and did everything I can to show my kids I loved them and be there for them. And why does this generation of kids just turn their back on their parents? Like I would never treat my parents the way some of the things have been said to me um from my kids and I don't understand it and it's everywhere. It's absolutely everywhere. my friends, patients that I see at work, you know, story after story after story after, you know, my daughter doesn't talk to me, my son doesn't talk to me. Like, just so much entitlement these days. And it's just so flipping heartbreaking. Like, it was so much easier when the kids were little. Like, I just didn't think that my life would be where it's at at 50. I love my kids, but why is it this hard? Why? Where's the respect at for parents and appreciation for all they've done for you your entire life? Like, I don't get it. Concept of no contact has been going around a lot lately. And so, I want to answer this question genuinely as a therapist who sees a lot of clients who have got no contact. I think one of the largest things to recognize as a parent of an adult child is generational differences. So for starters, people who are in their 50s, 60s plus, who have adult children, grew up in a generation where it was very common for children to be seen, not heard, and respect equated to just acquiescing to whatever your parents kind of wanted. Respect often meant you didn't have boundaries. Whereas mental health now is and continues to be a large conversation. Relationships with family members are one of the only relationships in which people are encouraged to make amends with people who have been abusive towards them, who have manipulated them, who consistently cross their boundaries, etc. And as a therapist, what I often hear in these situations is that from the child's perspective, there's been multiple attempts to repair the relationship, to explain the behaviors that are hurtful and harmful, yet the behaviors continue, or there just isn't the safety or the space to have that discussion in the first place. Another thing is that in terms of gratitude for the parent taking care of them or just you know creating them I think that is often seen to be synonymous with I will have a relationship with you forever. Someone can be grateful for their life for their parents for the efforts that have been made but also decide that a relationship is not for them. And that isn't to take away from the fact that I imagine that it's very hurtful for parents. And at the same time, what also exists is that it's hurtful typically for the child to go no contact as well. But while it's typically hurtful for the child to make that decision, it's also often safer from their perspective to make that decision. I think it's important to come to these conversations with the sense that you are not entitled to a relationship with your child just because you birthed them. It is something that you have to earn and continuously work at. And that goes both ways. You know why it's the new norm to go no contact with your parent? It's because a lot of us have boomer parents. Boomer parents are the worst parents ever. And if you went no contact with a parent who's a Gen Xer because I'm a Gen Xer. That Gen Xer had a Boomer parent that messed them up emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and financially. And maybe even physically. My Boomer mama messed me up emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and financially. She emotionally and financially abused me. She convinced me that I can't do anything by myself and that I will always need her. And it worked because I've been homeless four times. I feel like physically I'm an adult, but mentally I'm like 13 years old. And I learned going to therapy that I had a lot of unlearning to do. In order for me to grow up and heal, I had to go no contact with my mom. Going no contact is a new norm because people are putting their mental health first. We are tired of the toxicity. All we want is peace. And if you can't give that to us, then peace. I'm out. No one ever wants to talk about this. Going no contact with a parent or hell, even going low contact with a parent is not something that people just do. That's not an easily made decision. It never has been. Like anytime that I make any video about my mother, I will always get a comment from somebody that's like, "Well, I'm sure it wasn't that bad. You should just, you know, talk to her." And it's like, "You think I didn't already do that? You think I didn't try that already? You think we hit one bump and I was like you [ __ ] just forever. What y'all have to understand is I never had a father. So my mother, that was my only parental figure. For me to make the decision to cut off the only parent I ever had when I already didn't have one. Literally deciding to not have anything to do with both individuals that participated in creating me. That is an insane thing to do. And that is only done when that child has lived an insane life. A parent has to do up bad in order for a child to finally be like, I don't want anything to do with them anymore. We love our parents. We do not want to be away from them. We do not want to go low contact or go no contact with them. That's not what we want to do. It got to the point to where it was either that parent or our sanity. And so, we chose our sanity. And I know why it is. It's because people have so much more sympathy for the parents than they ever do for the children. It's always the children are ungrateful and never the parent just sucks. But oddly enough, people can all of a sudden understand the concept of a bad parent when that parent their child. Then they're like, "Oh, well, some people just don't need to be parents." Yeah, my mom was one of them. I'm just still here to tell the story. That's why you don't care yet because if I'm still alive, obviously it just wasn't that bad. One of the other things that this really shows is that there are a lot of people who have children for the main benefit of having someone to care for them in their old age. And I think that is a really sick and twisted reason to have a child. I don't understand the growing and unspoken expectations in many households that children will financially support their aging parents. In other words, adult kids are being treated like the retirement plan. Whether it's through co-signing loans, paying rent, covering medical bills, or even giving up their own career dreams to provide for their parents dayto-day. This pressure can come from a place of love, culture, or necessity. But it can also lead to deep resentment, burnout, and fractured family relationships. In many cultures, caring for your elders isn't just encouraged. It's considered a moral duty. Parents raise you, so when they get older, it's your turn to take care of them. And that's a fair exchange, right? But here's a problem. Today's economy is not the same as the one our parents grew up in. Millennial and Gen Z adults are dealing with skyrocketing housing prices, student loan debt, delayed career advancement, and stagnant wages. They're also more likely to be navigating expensive child care, unaffordable health insurance, and the constant anxiety of job insecurity. So when parents who perhaps didn't plan adequately for retirement expect their children to simply absorb the financial burden, it creates a massive imbalance. Imagine this. You're 32 years old. You're trying to build a life. Maybe you're saving for your first home. You're investing in your future or you're paying down your student loan. Then your parent calls and says, "I need help with rent this month or I can't afford my medication." Or worse, I need to move in with you. You care. You love them, but you're torn because helping them often means sacrificing your own financial health. You might stop saving for retirement. You might delay having children or buying a house. You might even put your career on hold or pass up opportunities so you can stay close and offer physical care. Over time, this doesn't just cost money, it costs you your freedom. And that's when something dangerous creeps in, and that's resentment. At first, you might feel compassion. After all, they're your parents. But as time goes on and the acts don't stop, when you realize there's no real plan except you, you start to feel suffocated and then guilty for feeling that way. And I'm not even talking about parents who have, you know, abused you in any form of way. I'm talking your good, supportive, loving parents that you absolutely adore. You speak to them often and everything is otherwise good. You might begin asking hard questions you've never asked. Why didn't they plan for this? Why didn't they save more when they were younger? Why is it my responsibility to clean up their lack of preparation? It's not about being selfish. It's about the basic right to build your own life. Adult children should not have to choose between honoring their parents and securing their own future. Another issue at play here is emotional parentification. When the roles in a family reverses and the child ends up parenting the parent. It doesn't always start in adulthood. Often children of financially irresponsible or emotionally immature parents grow up learning to manage the household, fix adult problems, or soothe a parents anxiety. This dynamic can easily carry on into adulthood where financial support becomes another extension of that role. So, it's not just about paying bills, it's about carrying the weight of someone else's life. And this kind of pressure can cause emotional exhaustion, depression, strange romantic relationships, and even physical health issues from chronic stress. And we have to talk about guilt because for many adult children, that's the weapon of choice, whether it's consciously or unconsciously. So parents may say things like, "I gave you everything. Now it's your turn." Or, "If you really loved me, you would help." Or, "You'll understand one day when you have kids of your own." And while these statements may come from a place of fear or desperation, they are emotionally manipulative. Love should never be conditional on money. And expecting adult children to sacrifice their own stability under the banner of filial duty crosses a line. When adult children are forced to prioritize their parents' financial survival over their own growth, the cycle of instability continues into the next generation. Think about it. If a 35year-old is spending their peak earning years, taking care of their parents, they're likely to save less, invest less, and delay retirement planning. That puts their children in the same exact position down the line. So instead of generational wealth, we're seeing generational burnout and generational poverty. And this cycle is particularly dangerous in immigrant families or households of color where systematic barriers already exist. Here, cultural expectations often intersect with financial inequality, making it even harder to draw boundaries without being labeled selfish or westernized. Now, it's important to make a distinction. Supporting your parents when you're able is not inherently wrong. In fact, it can be a beautiful act of love and reciprocity. But unconditional support without boundaries or accountability often becomes enabling. If parents know they can always fall back on their children without consequences, there's little incentive to budget wisely, downsize, or seek government assistant programs like Medicaid or senior housing. This isn't just about money. It's also about responsibility. Adult children shouldn't be expected to do for their parents what their parents never did for themselves. Parents should never see their children as their retirement plan. That mindset not only burdens the next generation, but it also erodess the parent child relationship into one of obligation instead of love. Of course, there are situations where helping is necessary and it's the right thing to do. But those situations should come with mutual respect, planning, and clear communication, not unspoken expectations, guilt, or emotional debt. So, if you're struggling with this, you're not alone. Millions of adult children are quietly facing this pressure, feeling stuck between love and resentment, nutty, and personal survival. So, you're allowed to take care of yourself. You're allowed to dream big, build wealth, and live a life that is yours without being shackled by someone else's past mistakes. Supporting your parents should be a choice and not an unspoken expectation. Let me know what you think of today's video. Thank you so much for watching and I'll see you in the next one.