foreign let's have some fun how are you feeling all right how are you really feeling uh-huh take a moment tune in and find one word that describes how you're feeling right now how do you usually respond when someone asks you that question how are you feeling yeah I'm good I'm all right good and all right and actual feelings so why can it be so hard for us to answer that question maybe we don't know how we're feeling maybe we don't have the words to put to our feelings or maybe we got the message when we were younger that sharing our feelings is not okay if the important adults in our lives weren't able to notice and name our feelings it can actually be very difficult to answer the question how are you feeling in my role as an occupational therapist and researcher I think a lot about how feelings impact a child's play and learning I am also a mum a daughter a partner a sister and a friend feelings they cross all of my worlds all of my roles and all of my relationships so how do I support feelings in my work and also with my children at home for young children to do their best playing and learning they need to feel safe calm and interested and they need to trust that the important adults in their lives are there to help and support them so I think a lot about how to help parents support their child's feelings so that their child experiences this Readiness to learn we call this emotional regulation now young children can't organize their feelings on their own yet their brain isn't ready for that and anybody who has ever given a toddler a drink in the wrong colored cup can probably relate to this young children need help organizing their feelings we call this co-regulation as we grow older our brain matures we move through the issue of the wrong colored cup more easily we can start to organize our feelings on our own we call this self-regulation but even as adults there's still times when we need co-regulation like if we've had a really bad day at work and we just need to phone a friend another way to approach this is the thinking feeling seesaw I know you've all been wondering what is this about often when a child's feelings are up their thinking is down they can't do their best learning and playing until we help them organize their feelings as feelings go down thinking is able to come back up again now this is linked to the different parts of our brain and how our brain works when we are thinking we are using our frontal lobes so for example a child trying to put a puzzle together they're having to think about which piece goes where and how do I turn it around the right way that's all happening in their frontal lobe uh oh it's not working the limbic system more towards the back of their brain is fires and thinking is shut off feelings come back up the child throws the puzzle storms off and slams the door we've all been there now in this moment it can be very tempting as the adult to try and talk to the child about what has just happened come on mate it's fine just have another go but processing language happens in the frontal lobe and thinking at the moment is down so a child's not able to process language rationally instead we could say ah that got hard he looked frustrated and angry yeah I know I saw that I can help let's have a cuddle we'll try again together feelings start to come down said ah that got hard you look frustrated and angry you may have noticed my voice changed and I scrunched up my face and it's this change in verbal tone and facial expression that starts to soothe the limbic system much more helpful than what I actually say in that moment so for an adult to help a child with their feelings we generally need to be pretty calm ourselves if our thinking feeling seesaw flips and we yell hey that is not on mate you're being ridiculous you know the rules there's no throwing in this house things that I have said that's not going to bring thinking online for either the parent or the child now of course it's natural there are times when our feeling thinking Cecil will flip or there are moments when we feel we need to step in but if our aim is to help the child return to the puzzle us being angry too is not going to be the smoothest pathway there I was working with a little boy recently he was six years old in his first year of school and he had a diagnosis of autism and ADHD this little boy would become very upset very easily and that would generally result in him throwing Furniture across the room the therapist that had been working with him had tried lots of things and they were finding that their usual approaches didn't seem to be helping with this little boy so I met with the family and I asked this little boy's mum what are you hoping for for your little boy she says she really wanted him to be able to do a full day of school she hated getting those phone calls she needed to come and pick him up early because he had got so upset and his feelings are totally overwhelmed him she said she wanted to find ways to help him with his feelings so that he could do his best learning In This Moment he's running around the room happily shouting about all the things that he can see so I asked his mum what do you think he's feeling right now and she said I think he's pretty happy to be here and we talked about how he was a little boy who would get so happy and so excited that he would move lots and make lots of noise so I asked her to have a go at putting words to what he was feeling and also what his body was doing and she said ah I think you're happy to be here you look excited your body is feeling busy he kept running around the room and she kept practicing putting words to his feelings after a moment he paused turned to her and ran in for a massive hug he gathered some of the toys and he took them to her he started to add lots of ideas to his play he was still busy and loud and he was really engaged and he was enjoying the whole experience his mum kept practicing putting words to what he was doing and feeling and he kept playing she said ah you're putting the mask on you're a superhero you're having so much fun your body is moving really fast at the end of the session she was delighted she said that she hadn't seen her little boy stay so focused for that amount of time and she hadn't seen him add so many new ideas to his play she said she now had a tool that she could use to help her little boy with his feelings then I let him know that it was time to leave and he started to look upset so I named his feelings oh he looks sad I think you're sad because it's time to go he said yeah usually when I'm sad I throw things foreign so I said yeah I know mate it can it can really hard leaving you've had fun today it's time to go you grab mum's hand and you can open the door for me so we happily grabbed mum's hand threw the door open and left the session no chairs were thrown after this his mum kept going at home with putting words to his feelings and his teachers started doing it too he was able to do full days of school this was the thinking feeling seesaw in action now this this might sound really easy putting words to children's feelings but it can actually be incredibly difficult especially when we're feeling stressed ourselves recently my younger brother passed away very suddenly and very tragically I felt shocked sadness anger and pain everything in me wanted to protect my children from this pain and I knew that I couldn't so I sat down with my six-year-old son and my three-year-old daughter and I told them that I had some sad news my son asked if our dog was dying I said no our dog is okay someone in our family has died Uncle Dave has died my son put his hand on his heart he let out a guttural cry he said it hurts mummy again everything in me wanted to take this pain away from him and again I knew that I couldn't so I had to work on regulating myself first by taking deep breaths in and out after a moment I said I know sweetie it hurts you look so sad I feel sad too he nestled in and he said oh mum I'm so sad how do I make this go away said we we can't make it go away sweetie we can be here together we can talk about it and we can help each other you might find you feel sad and then happier and then sad again that's okay in this moment my daughter said well I'm not too sad mummy because Uncle Dave is with his mummy now and we talked about how it's okay to have different feelings and we had some more hugs then my son said well eating chocolate and watching Star Wars Lego will help now mum I thought hang on just a ploy or is this him trying to avoid his feelings and then I reflected that as a child trying to resolve this issue from his frame of reference this was actually a very appropriate response he wasn't using chocolate and TV to hide from his feelings he had expressed them and now he was trying to work out what action he could take next to help him after this my children started playing again and my son came running up to me he said oh mum I was sad now I'm happier I'm playing again his feelings didn't paralyze him or stop him from doing the next thing processing emotions takes time and it's really important that we're able to tune in and follow a child's signals about when they need to change topic and when they're ready to come back and talk about it again lots of us weren't supported with feelings when we were younger because our parents may not have been either and it's very hard to give what we didn't receive ourselves how great would it be if we could grow a generation of children who are able to notice their feelings name them and respond to them now we can't be naming feelings all the time that's not practical or realistic but every time we are able to do it it gives our children the message that their feelings are valid and okay to share all of them the happy ones and the hard ones so the message that I want to leave you with today is how important it is to notice your feelings and put words to them because when feelings are more regulated you're able to get back to your best thinking doing and playing too just like the seesaw foreign right so how am I feeling relief I I remembered most of my words and thankful to have the opportunity to share my stories with you today and now it's your turn thank you hang on hang on hang on you don't get out of it that easily now it's your turn how are you feeling [Applause]