Welcome to The Transporter movie starts off in an empty parking garage with Jason STM sitting in a schmexy ass bmw7 series glances at his watch and takes off for his destination drives around the city of Nice France gets to a bank and right as he arrives four bank robbers come out and pile into his car he changes license place but refuses to take off because there are four of them and the deal is only for three and one of his very important rules that he never breaks is that you never change a deal and because they're in a German car then you must follow the rules he gives them racing driver excuses like the extra weight is going to ruin my power to weight ratio the car won't handle right blah blah blah after some back and forth between him and the lead robber robbert dude realized that he can't kill him and take the car because the car won't start without a code so he just kills one of his accomplices they throw him out and Jason gladly drives off but now the cops are on their ass so a Chase Begins he drives down this narrow road then is immediately seen in the next shot backing out of this narrow road which is the first of many continuity errors in this movie so many in fact that I'm going to start a counter for them anyway more fancy Jason Stan driving happens to avoid the cops and Road sidewalks and more narrow streets till he gets stuck on a bridge between a garbage truck and some cops but then he spots a car carrier that's about to pass right underneath him with an empty spot on his back so he floors it and does a burnout perfectly times the launch of his car to jump off the bridge and onto the Lori in the empty spot ignoring the fact that the car survived this and the Lorry driver not feeling noticing anything how the [ __ ] does this car bunny hop over the railing like that also check out this clip was bro doing a burnout without touching the gas pedal the [ __ ] is this Bluetooth throttle cable [ __ ] whatever homie then borrows the robber's gun to shoot a lever that lowers the cars behind him onto the road [ __ ] with the cops then gets off the car carrier himself and speeds off to a rail yard Warehouse place of sorts and times to escape from the cops perfectly with this train blocking their path from following him no idea how this one cop slip past the moving train though he then drives the robbers over to the drop off spot they pay him extra because they want him to continue driving them over to avenol but he's like no deals a deal and rule number one says that the deal never changes gives them back their difference and the grumpy [ __ ] [ __ ] off to continue their journey in the sit he goes back to his beautiful house by the beach cleans his car of evidence and changes his license plates out of rotation from his many license plates then inspector kuo comes over investigating anyone with a BMW like his because of that recent bank robbery but Jason avoids any suspicion by being smooth calm and collected so the inspector leaves and Jason gets a call right after for another job goes to meet the client and ask them about the size and weight of the package he's transporting the drop off location cuz the guy B his rules number One never change a deal number two no names number three never open the package then reviews the details of the deal with him the drop off location is at a place called 24 rud de Lu which he says is 250 km away only problem is it's not the closest 24 R deu to the French rier is almost 1,000 km away so unless he's first going to travel 750 km closer to pick up the package then that statement is incorrect actually that still doesn't make any sense because if you're traveling that far to pick up the package you're definitely going to factor it into your calculations so it's just flat out wrong anyway he goes to do the job sketchy ball man puts the package in his trunk he drives off enjoys a drive through France till he gets a flat tire so he gets out to inspect the tire and opens a trunk to get out the spare but sees the package moving indicating that there's a human inside which clearly does not say it right with him but he pushes them out the way anyway and gets a spare changes it out with another continuity error happening because he lifts the car up with his spare already on the car then takes off the flat whatever though he puts a flat tire back in the trunk continues driving and gets to a gas station where he gets some shackles and gets back to the car where we see another error cuz now we can see that the flat tire is magically fixed now cuz the old wheel sty is back on and before you say oh well he just fixed it at any tire shop like this one right here and I will counter with no [ __ ] because there's no [ __ ] way in hell the dude is opening that trunk in public like that I'm surprised he's even confident enough to even Park and leave it out on a someone next to people like that because [ __ ] could be in there screaming and squirming around shaking the car or some [ __ ] anyway he gets back on the road and parks in a quiet area opens a trunk and breaks rule number three he opens a package and finds an asan chick in there so he cuts a slit in her mouth tape so he can slip in a straw so she can have some oranga Goose then shoves her back in the bag keeps driving and hears her trying to scream in the back and struggle and [ __ ] so he stops again goes to the back opens the bag and he's like what the [ __ ] do you want I need to pee no you want your car to smell like urine [ __ ] fine he takes her out un ties her and puts a rope around her neck and gives her exactly 1 minute to go release the piss in some bushes and 60 seconds later he's surprised to find that she has escaped yeah know [ __ ] [ __ ] you put a loose rope around your prisoner's neck and leave their hands free then of course they're going to try and Escape you dip [ __ ] in that situation you go watch her piss privacy be damned also he goes looking for her and does eventually find her but first he finds a tape that she took off her mouth and thr on the ground and when he finds her he puts it back on her face and it actually sticks there's no way that [ __ ] still has stickiness on it with it being found on a [ __ ] forest floor with twigs and leaves in it I also feel like that piece of tape is nowhere near substantial enough to actually stop anyone from using their mouth like she could totally just [ __ ] yawn and free her mouth especially now anyway he ties her up again and gets her back to the car where he finds some bike cops inspecting his vehicle so he throws a [ __ ] at them fights them and knocks him out and puts him in the trunk with her continues driving over to the drop off location where he meets Joseph vgo from the first John Wick by his Mansion hands over the pakage himself so no one sees the cops in a trunk gets paid doesn't count the money goes to leave but then Josie ask to recruit him for another job to deliver a different page and Frank Jason's character is like why not takes the briefcase and leaves why did he say no to the robbers in the beginning of the movie then is it because they phrased it as a continuation of the current job and why didn't he count the money like he did with them as well just seems like very inconsistent movie logic especially for Jason's character who was very anal and meticulous but whatever on the way back he stops again for some schnackal was thinking how he's going to deal with the cops in the back when he decides to give him the same orange drine treatment but on his way back to the car it blows up and he gets very angry because the pakage was obviously a bum and he's like bum bookl and he goes back to the Mansion full of angor knocks down the front door and starts fighting people inside they try to shoot him up but he uses this [ __ ] apparently bulletproof door to protect himself then does lots of cool fighting and gun stuff himself while asking them where Joseph is but he left and they won't tell him where he went so he just keeps killing them and fighting them fights off these axe dudes with wall lamp Furniture [ __ ] then leaves this one dude alive for some reason goes to the garage finds an unlocked Merc so he hot wires it and steals it driving through not one but two gates with the car coming out seemingly unscathed but following shot has some front end damage which is another continuity error whatever though he drives away and finds the Asian ho is with him in the car because while he was fighting the people the guard that was watching her went to help and she took that opportunity to sneak away and wriggled her way into this MK he ended up stealing and now he's super angry that she's in it so he stops the car throws her out in the middle of the road and leaves but his kind bald heart won't allow him to leave her like that so he goes back to get her shoves her in his trunk and drives back to his bombass mini castle house drags her in makes her some instant noodles takes the tape off and allows her to speak that tape by the way is the biggest continuity ER offender in this whole movie cuz it changes from having a slit in it to not having slit in it like four [ __ ] times so I'm going to add a point for every time it changed anyway she speaks and tells him that her name is lie and he got himself involved with some really bad folks so he shuts her up and goes off to bed saying that he wants to think about this clearly tomorrow and she can leave or stay he doesn't really care anymore she UPS to stay though and snoops around his house looking at his [ __ ] and into this box seeing a bunch of pictures of him being in the Army being like a pilot dude or some [ __ ] mean that he's super skilled exmilitary guy puts the box back in the wrong spot like a dumbass then goes to sleep meanwhile Joseph went to meet one of his goons that was Left Alive by Frank when he did his solo raid on the Mansion asked him who did this he says the transport did it then he asked him if he talked to the cops at all he says he didn't but Joseph kills him any away and then takes his [ __ ] heart monitor and clips it onto this other guy that's alive next to him pretty sure there's more [ __ ] hooked up to him that monitors his vitals but I'm not a doctor so I don't really know in the morning when Frank wakes up he wakes up to the Asian [ __ ] having made some mad Lins for him he's thankful for that but he tells her to shut the [ __ ] up because he likes his mornings quiet and she seems to be another one of those [ __ ] that majored in yonics she goes to get milk from the door and sees that inspector balone is at it she claims to be Jason's new cook SL booty call he comes in to have some coffee with Jason and shows him his burnt up license plate asking him where his car is he tells him that he doesn't know it got stolen yesterday then Li chimed in saying that she found him and drove him home and stayed over for the night so like the good inspector he is he asks so where's the car Frank responds with it it's in the garage so they got to take a look at it and like a bad detective he does not take a thorough look and only looks at it from the back not from the front therefore not seeing the front damage and before he leaves he tells Frank that he knows about his clients and his ex-military history and [ __ ] and he's been appreciative so far that he's been keeping his work quiet but now this kind of too loud and all these [ __ ] stories he's telling a wiping no [ __ ] stains off no walls you know what I'm saying dog so he better come up with a better story when he was down to give an official statement at the police station FR sh then leaves and Frank tells Li to shut up again and then he's like wait it's too quiet now cuz the bugs and [ __ ] stop making bug noises and here's a rocket Whistle by and blow up the lighthouse part of his house this house has a [ __ ] Lighthouse God damn this place is awesome anyway they took cover and barely survived that thing falling down then the bad guys tear through the house with armor piecing rounds but miraculously miss the two occupants then hit him with another guided missile so Frank takes them both down to the basement before it hits where he has access to an underground tunnel that leads out into the sea this place is [ __ ] sick and while the bad guys hit him with a third rocket they jump down into that hole and Frank pulls out secet scuba diving gear that he had hid under there for cases like this I guess and they go cave diving out to the sea to another house that has his own indoors dock he disables the alarm and opens the door keeps talking to himself like you have to open the [ __ ] package didn't you Frank you have to [ __ ] be nice right should just listen to your rules and not keeps going on like that while take off the clothes and she decides to make it up for him with some Ming Dynasty [ __ ] fun fact did you know that Asian women have smaller vaginas because Asian men have smaller penises so they both evolved accommodate each other sizes same thing with black people black women have [ __ ] Grand Canyon coochies cuz black dudes have Matumbo Anaconda [ __ ] I made that all by the way still makes sense though Frank and Li go to inspector macaroni to give further statements after the house blew up and say they were taking a romantic swim past the point which is a place where no one can see them swim and there was no one swing with them so there's no witnesses to corroborate these claims and when they came back they found the house on fire and as for the [ __ ] thousands of bullet holes in there Frank claims that the bad guys that did this must have hit his house by mistakes that sounds like more donkey [ __ ] if I'm honest M Frank people with this kind of fire power don't make mistakes Frank's like I swear down I'm going grave I don't know anything about what's happening mate inspector balone then gets called away for something and while he's gone Li uses his police computer to search up more information about Joseph the bad guy by looking up the black Mercedes that belongs to him get some info on him prints it out then puts the computer to sleep right before the inspector comes back he lets them go then she goes into a taxi to go and see Joseph and Frank is like good luck with that so she gets out like you're not coming nope but he Brew up your car destroyed your house tried to kill you don't care don't care and good now he thinks I'm dead and will leave me alone tells her that he's going off to start his whole life over again and suggests that she does the same he tries to walk away but then she tells him that there are 400 people on a container somewhere about to be sold off by that guy and he's the only one that knows the container's number she's trying to save them and she needs his help why did it take her so long to say this [ __ ] I know they had pretty much no time but why didn't she say something after they interlocked private parts why you only saying this now [ __ ] doesn't matter she guil trips him sort of into helping her they go over to J's office wait for to get there punch him to take his gun and threaten him with it while looking around two files for the container numbers they don't fight it so they ask him directly but he doesn't say anything by the way Frank asked him why he tried to kill him in the beginning of the movie and Josie responds with you lied to me you opened the package you broke the rules your rules what do you expect me to do there's no [ __ ] way this idiot could have known that at the time unless he had someone following him the whole way in which case why the [ __ ] didn't you just hire that guy to [ __ ] transport the [ __ ] anyway lies father than and as it turns out she when the Jing pu is the one behind all this he enslaved his own people and trying to sell them off she points the gun at him trying to stop him from doing that but she's got no balls and doesn't pull the trigger so he pulls out his own gun and push at Frank telling her that if she really likes saving innocent people now her chance to save one by putting her gun down so she does that then they get a call from J's assistant saying that the cops are coming because inspector zucchini woke his computer up by actually pressing the Wake Up Button I'm pretty sure even back then no one used that [ __ ] [ __ ] people just smashed the [ __ ] space bar a few times but anyway he saw Jose's [ __ ] face on the computer and figured that they played around on it and got his information so he came over here figuring that he has something to do with all the [ __ ] so before he comes in they knock Frank out and tell him that he was here trying to use this esteemed fine distinguished business gentleman's daughter against him as blackmail or something and this will be a perfect time to Yellow that your father is a human trafficker so why ain't you doing that [ __ ] whatever she stays quiet like the [ __ ] she is they take Frank away and he wakes up in holding cell with Detective zucchini opening the cell walking in and telling him that he really wants to help him but he has to tell him the truth now so he tells him okay they're smuggling people from Asia through Mar and containers [ __ ] didn't say [ __ ] about Mars dude in fact weren't you just there trying to find information about where the [ __ ] container is or sorry you were looking for for the container number okay I'm going to assume for the movie sake that she know pretty much all the information about the container like which place is at and told him off screen but only does not know the container number moving on the inspector believes him and he's like I'm going to start a very long ass investigation it'll take ages but a guy with your skills could probably get this done in less than 12 hours if you're out wink wink Frank connects the dots and they escape the police station by pretending that Frank is holding balone at gunpoint and walking out gets into the inspector's subab and drives over to the docks gets into a small boat that inspector macaroni doesn't think is enough for the mission he's about to go on but Frank's like don't worry it's a good boat then he goes over to the dock where he knows the container is arrives there at night sneaks in and starts using a stethoscope to listen in on every container to see which one has Signs of Life inside a stethoscope that disappears between Shots by the way yet another point on the board he sees lying in the office she's up there drinking tea insulting her father and telling him that she hates him so he slaps her knocking the tea out of her hand having the cup magically teleport from in front of the tea bags behind the tea bag between shots yet another point they load a couple containers on some trucks and start moving out when Frank starts taking shots at some of their guys starting a mostly shirtless Jason STM action sequence that pretty much goes to the end of the movie that I'm going to try and gloss over as fast as possible Josie goes to fight him in hand to hand combat Beats up a little bit and tell his men to keep him alive which like why literally useless just kill him anyway he leaves Jason fights some more dudes then climbs some [ __ ] jumps on one of the lyes the driver sees him so he tries to get him off by smashing into some signage which forces him to jump off this bridge onto a moving bus that goes to park up for the night in the bus parking place he gets off and fight some more bad guys uses his shirt his weapon does some more cool moves fight some inside buses outside buses then one he ons the big ball dude in the like mechanics yard or whatever I don't know what it's called till some more bad guys come so he knocks down containers of bad engine oil to make it harder for them to fight him then covers himself and all to give himself more of a slippery Advantage like I'm a slippery boy super slippy Boy Can't Touch This I'm a slippy boy slides around fighting them like a slimy little [ __ ] then finds a bike snaps off the clip on pedals that it has puts them on and uses them for more traction and more of an advantage in the fight does a lot of bicycle kicks and [ __ ] when the bad guys finally had enough and decide to disregard to keep them alive order and get some guns out to shoot him so he slides over to the big ball dude going like slipper man Escape uses him as a human body Shield they both fall out of a [ __ ] window into the water the bad guys dump some oil out and light it on fire he swims away to safety then goes back to take some [ __ ] from dead slash knocked out back guys and I'm again going to assume that he found some [ __ ] on them that leads him to where the lowers are going or what route they're taking cuz that's the only way that this next part makes sense he gets himself a ven5 fun fact that [ __ ] was sold in America under the name L car I promise that one I'm not making up anyway he uses franch cont roads as shortcuts to try and catch up to the containers driving the Rena sank at top speed all the way as long as it can but at the end of the day it's a FR piece of [ __ ] so it breaks down eventually and although the highway is only 1 kilm away he sees a plain crop dusting overhead and decides to run after it it eventually lands and he catches up to the pilot who's pumping gas for it forces him to take him up in the plane over the highway you know maybe has experience with planes or whatever and he could tell from the lines or flight path the dude was taking that he was going to land soon and where he was going to land but still dude ran down a [ __ ] plane dog what the [ __ ] I can't be the only one that thinks that's insane anyway they fly over the highway find the trucks and he gives the pilot the contact information for the inspector and tells him to call him and tell him to meet them down there and jumps out and although the pilot has literally zero obligation to do so after the guy jumps out he still does that Frank opens the shoe and lands on one of the containers and so much [ __ ] starts happening here like this car getting T-boned and instantly exploding without a millisecond of delay and actually slowing the footage down we can see that it started exploding way before any contact was made at all this though were super weak hinges Frank getting knocked out of the front of the truck by jeppi and somehow surviving by clinging onto the underneath of it his incredible aim with his tire iron and the highway continually switching between shots of the highway somewhat busy and completely empty I didn't exactly count how many times this happened so I'm just going to add three points on the [ __ ] board anyway none of that matters though because he eventually chok Joseph to death and takes control of the Lori takes it off the highway and Parks it by a lake or sea I don't know but then China Manan shows up and holds a gun to his head tells his driver to take his daughter away and shoot her she tries to talk run or do something stupid he gets Frank out of the truck and tells him to the water then right after is seene leading him up a cliff if you want to lead him up there then shoot him and have his corpse fall into the water then don't say to the water say up the cliff cuz the water was literally like five [ __ ] steps away you stupid Sweatshop Pig anyway at the top they have some good guy bad guy back and forth then he lie scream and a gun go off they both are stunned for a second then another shot goes off but it's not from China man but from China woman cuz Li shot the driver came over and saw her father to save Frank from getting killed she's kind of bummed about it but whatever the cops arrive and they go free the enslaved Asians from the container so did that other truck have a decoy container on it or what doesn't matter this movie gets 17 Minges out of 85 million eyelashes [Music] [Music]