[Music] welcome to the intimate marriage podcast where I teach educated successful couples how to have incredible passionate relationships so that you can stop compromising and start feeling Fully Alive in your relationship I'm Alexandra Stockwell aka the intimacy doctor I'm a physician a relationship and intimacy coach and I'm an intimate marriage expert my husband and I have been married for 27 years we have four children and full professional lives and we've created an amazing marriage I've shown hundreds of couples how to do so as well so if you want to deepen your understanding of your own relationship and learn to access new heights of emotional sensual and erotic intimacy you're in the right place I will show you how now let's dive [Music] in Sex Ed is dead and that is the theme of today's podcast and we're going to talk about what to do instead what should be brought to life that's really going to serve you in the ways that you desire and may not even know you want or don't want yet but will once I talk about it before diving into that I want to really request that you leave a rating and a review for this podcast I'm so close to 100 ratings and I'd love for you to help me cross that line This is on iTunes if you're listening to the podcast somewhere else by all means leave a rating and a review if you can Spotify Google gole Amazon oh there's so many different platforms and wherever you're listening I'd be so grateful if you leave a review now instead of reading another podcast review I want to read a review from the page of testimonials on my website if you haven't gone to read those alexandr Stockwell dcom SL testimonials I highly encourage you to do so because they describe such beautiful amazing things in simple clear terms so I want to read one this client of mine says my wife and I worked with a marriage counselor for eight months before speaking with Dr Alexandra one session with her accomplished more good for our relationship than the whole eight months with the counselor I'm reading that because that's not a typical I am devoted to getting to the core of the issue and then seeing what happens which is exactly what I want to do on the subject of sex at now for those of you who are listening and live in the United States you may or may not know that a majority of states do not require that schools teach sex at and of those that do only 13 states require that what is taught be scientifically accurate so very often in well in the Public Health Community and sex and relationship community and sex therapists like basically the people who are thinking about this and the impact that the lack of sex ed has in general the Mantra is that we need more sexed that if only we had more sex ed individuals and couples would be so much happier and their lives would be positively benefited and that in part is true we have clear consistent data in all kinds of different studies large and small that when there is accurate sex ed meaning scientifically accurate sex ed there is a decrease in unwanted and especially teen pregnancies as well as a very significant decrease in sexually transmitted diseases so sex ed must be good it's certainly helpful when it comes to health and responsibility but that is really just the beginning consider the fact that when it comes to First sexual experiences 29% of boys and 54% of girls say they have mixed feelings or did not consent to the experience at all I'm not doing a comprehensive study and Analysis on sexed in the United States I'm just picking particular points that like really to create the picture that I want to create which is that scientific sex ed accomplishes certain very important things and clearly misses the vote when it comes to pleasure connection intimacy passion self honoring and respect and honor for one's partner in contrast in the Netherlands 85% of respondents describe that their very first sexual experience meaning intercourse in heteronormative context that 85% describe that the first time was enjoyable now the reason that that is so significant in the context of this conversation is that the Netherlands is known for Progressive comprehensive outstanding sexual education and in fact instead of being an isolated topic that is taught I don't know once in middle school and once in high school referred to in a health class that it's woven throughout the curriculum from preschool through 12th grade I don't actually know if it's its own Topic in high school or not but I do know that sexed is woven throughout the curriculum in a age appropriate way so what does that mean like obviously there's not education about how intercourse works with five-year-olds but there is teaching about respect and consent and boundaries and things build from there the other thing that I want to mention about the Netherlands sexed curriculum is that it emphas izes sex as a relational activity in a way that just doesn't happen in the United States where condom on a banana just really scaring people about what can happen if you don't use precautions when it comes to disease or pregnancy so if you did not grow up in Holland and receive this high quality sex ad what are you to do well the first thing is that if you are listening to the intimate marriage podcast I trust that there's a very high likelihood that you know your basic anatomy that you know your way for sure around the penis the scrotum the whole groin area the perineum where the prostate is and you know your way around the Volva the vagina the clutoris the inner labia the outer lebia the perineum the anus now I say there's a high likelihood because I know many of you listening know that anany but I also know that not all of you do so in particular whether you yourself have a clitoris or your partner has a clitoris if you don't know where your own clitoris is or where your partner's clitoris is the very first thing to do is to to find out you can Google it you can have a conversation if you're up for that if you're not up for that if you're not up for that an earlier podcast of mine about um how to have conversations about sex or you might explore together or have a conversation about where the clitoris is and how big it is and what kinds of touch it likes and if what I'm saying makes you feel embarrassed or nervous well I refer you to a podcast episode I did on growing comfortable having conversations about sex with the person you're having sex with and how important that is so I'll put a link in the show notes to that episode if you haven't listened to it yet I recommend you do even if you are comfortable talking about sex because there's a lot of nuan insights in that episode in any case if you don't know your basic anatomy please learn it and as I've said there are many resources that you can find for doing that my personal favorite is Sher Winston's wom's anatomy of arousal in any case there are many different resources to be able to know the anatomy particularly a woman's anatomy which just is less overt and more mysterious and less intuitive until you become very familiar with it whether it's your all or your partners you can find all kinds of resources that suit you and diagrams and so forth my personal favorite is women's anatomy of arousal by Sher Winston where she gives that information she also talks a lot about goddess mythology and the history of how our attitudes towards a woman's genitalia so if that's your cup of tea enjoy and if it's not you know just find another source I'll also link to that to that book um and I've interviewed Sher Winston twice so I'll link to those episodes too if you're interested to revisit what she has to say about discovering anatomy and she provides a kind of sex ed for sure okay so besides the basic anatomy the other thing that you need is to consider what kind of sex head would actually serve you because sex making love being passionate that is an art it is a lot more like learning to play the violin so that you have an opportunity to make music on a Gary or a strat of various and it is not so much like riding a bike I mean sure riding a bike is adequate for basic mechanical sex you know how to do it you know how to do it you've done it with your partner you can do it again but what makes for ex extraordinary passionate sex is much more of an art form and something that you can continue to cultivate well for the rest of your life so how would you go about doing that well there are a myriad of ways to educate yourself and become a more gratified magnetic generous and receptive lover one very important way is to grow and continue to expand the emotional intimacy between the two of you that is what the aligned and hot marriage program is all about my program which helps every couple that goes through it and actually does the exercises when they really deepen and lead into and become more vulnerable in the process of developing emotional intimacy well then it naturally provides a lubricant to sexual sensual intimacy so that is one way to cultivate your Artistry when it comes to sex another super important way is to play an experiment discover what your body's sexual song is or songs are and the same with your partner and between the two of you what kinds of Duets can you play how much range can you access and when you play an experiment well you can be intentional let's try this and then afterwards when it's over or the next day you want to check back in what did you love about that what would you like to experience again what do you not want to experience again what did you learn what did it Inspire another way to really develop Artistry in love making is to let go of your assumptions do your best to let go of any images you have from romcoms porn or any other performed modeling and grow your intuition because very often things can feel really good and you don't expect that to be the case so try it and see what happens if it doesn't feel good you can immediately change you are not committed by if it does feel good you've discovered a whole new Arena of pleasure and sensation and again check in with one another afterwards the thing I really want to convey is that sex is not about the mechanical act I mean let me rephrase that it fundamentally includes the mechanical act like that is a prerequisite but what really makes for passion and erotic delight and sensual intimacy it's all in how it feels so the main sex ad that I think we all need is to be clear on the anatomy And every now and then learn something new that has to do with the mechanics of sex but fundamentally it's essential to bring our attention to how it feels which by the way does not come naturally it takes courage it takes vulnerability it takes a willingness to be a kind of Pioneer in your own sensual experiences and discover how your soul is present because what your body is doing really is the context it's the vessel for your soul to have really incredible experiences that has to do with how it feels and I started everything in this conversation talking about sex and in schools and I definitely believe that sex ed is dead because everything that we're talking about can't really be taught in school because it's an energetic transmission it's an invitation it'd be totally inappropriate for a school teacher to be talking the way that I'm talking to you this is an intimate context you can choose if you're listening alone or if anyone else can hear this conversation and no one is forced to hear it you are opting in with curiosity and openness and Intrigue and a sense of mystery on the topic it'd be totally inappropriate so it makes sense that when sex ed is given in schools in the context of the United States I'm not really commenting on what's going on in the Netherlands in any regard with what I'm saying now but it makes sense for schools to offer scientifically accurate information and that really should be happening in all 50 states the fact that it's not is just absurd there is no data that supports that choice for the well-being of students and their adulthood as sexual beings to fall however sex ed in an academic context can only go so far because the magic of great sex is in how it feels and that has to be felt that's an experiential education that is private education which involves taking some guidelines and discovering how to implement them yourself I want to add I have four children and I am very devoted to the welfare of my children and all children and in fact consider one of the very best things that I could possibly do for children is teach their parents how to have incredible fantastic loving relationships so back to the children now you might think I'm biased because I'm in my 16th year of homeschooling and so I do take responsibility for my children's education I definitely don't teach them all subjects but I take responsibility for making sure that they have a good thorough appropriate education but even if I weren't a homeschooler as a devoted experienced relationship and intimacy coach I say if you have children it is your responsibility to oversee their sexual education sure they can get the scientific learning in the classroom you can give them a book for scientific learning I invite you to grow in this Arena yourself and get to the point where you're comfortable enough to be able to convey some of this to your children of course you're going to do it according to your family culture and what your beliefs are make it the age appropriate but whether or not you're in one of the 13 states that teaches scientifically accurate information or not you are the best resource to refer to sexual experiences as a source of pleasure that includes boundaries consent and remarkably expansive gratifying experiences so I hope as a result of listening to this episode if you're on a school board or in a position to determine curriculum that you have this in mind if you don't know your scientifically accurate anatomy and exactly the anatomy that belongs to yours and your partner's genitals please prioritize discovering them and whether or not anything I've just said pains to you take this invitation to realize that whatever sex ad you've experienced it's death and it is your opportunity your invitation your claring call to become educated to cultivate your Artistry to find the next comfortable step to take in cultivating the most amazing harmonies Sensations and goess glory with one another for the rest of your lives before closing this podcast episode I want to warmly invite you to enroll in my free Valentine's course as this episode drops I want to wish you a happy Valentine's Day and if you haven't yet gone through my course this is your opportunity you can enroll at Alexander and Stockwell dcom SLV Valentine the link will be in the show notes and the course is free it is my Valentine gift for you it does not come with a red cutout heart-shaped doily it comes to your inbox once you register and will give you the most straightforward easily implemented and very effective tools to make your Valentine celebr ation extraordinary the name of the course is make your Valentine special again it's free so why wouldn't you receive this gift that I'm offering and please be sure to share it with your friends let them also benefit it will absolutely uplevel your Valentine's Day celebration if you implement it and all of the principles that I share in this course May apply to any other time that you choose to celebrate so go ahead alexander.com SLV Valentine's receive the gift and enjoy your experience celebrating Valentine's Day this [Music] year