[Music] you can turn a date or a mate into a sexual soulmate if you know the six Essentials to Connected sex I'm 62 and you know I'm having the best sex of my life this is like the Rosetta Stone to having the best sex right here the number one sex skill to learn is if the sex is great people will be willing to tolerate a lot of uncomfortable relationship issues so why does sex put blindness on us which can then lead us to choosing the wrong person so a lot of times what I teach people is the Platinum rule which is treat your partner the way they want to be treated and teach them how to treat you the way you want to be treated and when you're really comfortable with what your relationship values are and you can communicate them to a partner then they can get up every day and focus on the things that you need from them and you can do the same for them so the golden rule is treat someone the way you want be treated but it doesn't work in relationship so once you have this Platinum rule you know what your values are what their values are and what it takes to make them feel the feelings they want to feel in a relationship with you then no matter how good or how bad the sex is you know whether you're in a relationship that's worth fixing or not it takes time to get good in bed together you know procreation is easy it's very simple to make a baby but great sex great satisfying love making that fuels you that makes you feel confident and empowered where you really are attracted to that person man I think most women are looking for that for a long time with a guy so when they can get the lineup of the values match like this guy's willing to give me what I need to be in relationship with them and the sex is great that's fabulous that's what you're going for all right well let's flip it on its head then what if you're with somebody and the sex is really boring and I think sometimes people mistake the boring for not having the chemistry for not being compatible well one of the things that I immediately think about is how the bill the pill the birth control pill tends to make our fairmon and chemistry sensing systems go arai and we often end up with someone that actually isn't someone we have chemistry with so that's a red flag for me I always watch out for that with women just like be aware that it could make your sensing systems go arai but the second piece of it is you can turn a date or a mate into a sexual soulmate if you know that what I call the six Essentials to Connected sex so I think that generally if you start off with someone where the sex isn't that great but you give it a chance and you learn some of these skills and that person is willing to learn and grow with you then the sex can keep getting better and better and better so if you've got an initial attraction and then it doesn't you know it kind of takes a dip like oh well that could have been better give it another chance if you think they are also a values match because sex is all a series of learned skills that gets better our whole lifelong if we put our attention on it and have in intention to grow and to become a more mature sexual being you saying sex is a skill I love it's so empowering but now I think about how many people don't actually end up together because they don't realize it's a skill that they're like oh well they're bad in bed and so they just move on and now maybe their soulmate as you put it they've actually turned down because that one night that they had in the bedroom actually was uh wasn't as fire as they'd hoped I think the very first for women is to learn to speak for our body's desires I always say it's like um these lips can't talk but these can and so um a lot of women say to me I don't know what I want I just know what I'm getting isn't it and even if I knew and I told him he'd be like you don't have to tell me I know that overconfidence thing again like uh in MA in a man's world especially uh they live in a pecking order dudes are either up or they're down and they don't like to lose and they hate rejection and they hate doing things wrong what does a man want especially in the bedroom he wants to be your hero he wants to give you incredible pleasure he wants to win he wants to do things right he wants to be our champion I think the number one sex skill to learn is how to how to understand your needs to really listen inside yourself there's a there's a great word that I like it's called interoception and interception means feeling in your body like I have had this bacterial infection I picked up in London probably from all the pub food I ate and I can feel it and every day I know whether it's getting better or worse and I was getting worse recently and I was like oh I got to get on this and get back on this because it's starting to sprout up again I can feel that in my body so we're used to being able to feel and sense in our body we can Fe begin to feel incense into our genital system and what's pleasurable what kind of touch we're looking for um all of these kinds of things and then when we begin to speak those to a partner then a and they understand that they didn't do anything wrong that women are different every single day and every single moment much different than men are men are much more steady state and women are much more flow glowing because we're women who run with the moon we're on a moon cycle even after menopause we still are moon cyclers and so what we want you know I like to say um sometimes you're a kitty cat and you just want to be held and you just want to be stroked and you just want to purr you know and other times you're like you're like a pouncy little lioness you know and so you're different in every moment how could any partner ever know what you want in any moment ohoh that's tooo hard oh that's too soft oh it's hurting me right there you're on my hair you know whatever it is and when you can get a partner who's like tell me more thanks babe how is it now when you train them and I do use the word train with our partners you are always training people about how to treat you whether you're doing it explicitly or implicitly and when you do it explicitly and you are verbalizing your needs and you do it in a way that your partner realized that it's not failure it's just good feedback they can used to win then that really starts the um the ability to have the communication to learn each other's bodies to learn what kind of pleasure we like to know where our sensitive spots are because we are worried all the time that what we want is not right or we shouldn't ask for it you know we're just so stuck in our be a good girl part of our culture that I just want to like break the barriers down around that by on us honoring what our body is asking us for in every moment and let me like project that out into the future for you once you get really good and comfortable at feeling your feelings both physical and emotional and expressing them feeling the confidence to express anything and everything then you start to be so confident around that that you start to have more great experiences and when you have those great experiences that gives you more confidence and then when you have that you start thinking up stuff you want to do and then your lover gets to be with you and you're like do you know what sounds fun and they're like what because you're always coming up with these incredible ideas you've always got these new I was thinking we could try this thing and your partner's like let's try it and that in and of itself just that idea of moving from feeling comfortable asking to coming up with ideas for the things that you want that makes you a really fun person in the bedroom somebody that wants to be with you and they win and they have a great time and so do you I grew up thinking that sex was to procreate first of all and then to please the man yeah I did I grew up like that which is why these interviews are so important to me and everything you're talking about feels so liberating It Feels So freeing in order for me to go what's you know what's important to me am I getting you know turned on and I wish I'd learned that lesson a long time ago and so anyone listening right now like I'd love to take them through the evolution of when you first meet someone right so we even spoke about on that first day or either you have that fire or you've got the chemistry and then you go in the bedroom and it's like that's just you got to give yourselves a chance yeah you know you got to give a guy a chance or a person a chance you've got to learn your way with them here's an interesting thing about lovers one of the things that I like to recommend especially for young women is to have a fair number of Partners but always use safe sex know how to talk about STI ask for them to be tested know what tests to get these are very important things to keep yourself safe because the downstream effects of a lot of STI cannot be solved with a little penicillin there are lingering effects for things so you do want to screen and be careful and if a guy isn't going to get tested for you or a person is not going to get tested for you it's not a person you want to be with if they can't put your safety first then forget about it but what's interesting is that the when you have different lovers and I know you've experienced this you have different lovers and they're really good at certain things they have skills or body dynamics that fit your body in a way that another lover doesn't and so having more safe pleasurable experiences that are consensual and honorable gives you a lot more skills to begin to understand what you like and what you like right now because as you mature what you used to look at and go no I don't know I'm not sure I would do that now you're like oh that's what I'm fantasizing about so what do you think so you're saying let me just make sure I understand you're saying have multiple partners so that you can experience but that's what I was going to ask you what's the plus side to it yeah and what would you say to people who are religious and they're holding themselves or waiting full marriage you know the thing about your sexuality is that it it's not just sex is over here and my life is over here sex is underneath it's the furnace it's the fire inside you your sexual vitality and Your Lust For Life are the same thing I want to encourage them to move forward and do what's right for them and if staying in their you know their situation is their choice that's fine but if they want to go out and experiment and have more experiences then I want to teach them how to do that safely so that they always feel like it was a win and it fueled them even the ones where it's like well that did not go as planned but I I I learned something from it right so it doesn't always have to be perfect you just it's silver lining sometimes and that's fine too that's just growth experiences yeah what about then in those moments let's say in the early phases where I don't know if you've heard this message with the red pill Community right now where they're all saying like they call it women's body count how many people someone slept with and they say the higher body count the less value they have first of all who you make love with is your own business and you are a sovereign being and you get to decide what your body likes and wants and who you want to give it to and how you want to give it to them and what your boundaries are around that I'll give you an example this is something that I often tell people when and there's two big clusters of women that generally need this information one is young women who are in their early stages of their sexual maturation and then women who've been in a long-term relationship that has not serve them sexually and they're back out and they want to have fun and I recommend this thing that I call a andb level love making so again going back to STI it's just like communic ation is the foundation of great sex testing and safety are the foundation of of safe healthy sex and the more that you talk about safe sex and the more that you talk about your needs the easier it gets one of the things that I think I like to do the most in my job is give permission to people to have more of what they want that is something that people often need and so when I say I want to give you permiss per to go out and have multiple partners and there's nothing wrong with that if that's what you want it's actually very good for you and you can do it in the way that you do a level and b-level relationships a level is kissing is very safe and hand on body contact is very safe but anytime there's mouths or genitals genital to genital or mouth to genital contact that's less safe a lot less safe so you can go out and have really fun times incredibly sexy wildly orgasmic experiences just kissing and using your hands with a partner and that's what I recommend whenever you're with someone new is don't just jump into bed with them don't think a condom is going to keep you safe either there's so many things that are skin-to-skin contact so knowing how to work your way through the world and say I'd like to have a sensual pleasurable evening with you but here are my boundaries this is what we're going to do I can kiss you and I can put my hands on you and you can put your hands on me and I am willing to get naked as long as you know that it'll never go further than that in this time are you willing to honor my boundaries around this I don't even want you to get near me with that thing that I'd have to even worry maybe you even need to keep your pants on or your underwear on even if I take mine off until I decide you can take yours off but that's my boundary are you willing and in agreement around that I I need to be unchallenged about that and if they say yes then you can pretty much guarantee they will and if they say and if they say yes and there's any hint any whiff of them pushing a boundary that's uncomfortable for you you just you always keep your clothes in one place you always keep all your stuff in one place you put it on and you leave and that person is checked off the list because they are out of integrity can I be honest as you were saying that I was like oh God I don't know if I'd ever have the confidence or the guts to say it and as I'm thinking as you're talking and I'm like hang on a minute but I'd still sleep with them like I wouldn't say the hard thing because I'm too embarrassed or I don't have the confidence but yet I'm okay with stripping down naked and giving my body over to him like as I was thinking it I was like trying to like take the thought back but I think so many people listening right now probably thought the same thing where they're like I can't say that to him and I love that you gave the word because I think also that's part of where sometimes people lose their confidence with they start to like well can you would you mind maybe possibly right but if you're just like the way you just said it was so straight straightforward direct and respectful which I really liked it wasn't like you can't come near me it wasn't like it was very um you weren't closing the door and I think that that's the most beautiful thing that you were able to do it in a way so thank you for giving that language so talk to me about the the difference between being desired having a libido and arousal yeah um I I really came up with these distinctions a few years ago um because you know a lot of people use those words very interchangeably but I think in understanding ourselves and how much of our physiology it's very important for women and for our partners to understand how different female arousal is to male arousal so to get there you have to understand libido and desire so I like to think about think about them as a diagram three interlocking circles and you're in the middle uh libido is really the body based piece of it your libido is a reflection of your health if your health is bad of course your libido is going to be down you'll know you're getting better when your libido starts to rise and so that part of it is really understandable and you can you can feel your whether your libido is high or low and you know where it's going I was going to say what does that actually mean does it mean like you're thinking about sex is it mean that you're throbbing like what is that actually mean it can be any of those things it could be you're thinking about sex you're reading erotica you're Desiring romance to kind of get things started you might be so solo pleasuring um you feel more turned on you want to wear sexier clothing you have a desire to dance or do yoga or other body based movements that support your your pleasure um you're you're more switched on to the beauty of things uh you have a sensuality as a part of your life the food tastes delicious you slow down for beauty these are all things that are part of that um just feeling sexy uh so that's libido libido is your body desire is kind of the emotional game it's both how do I feel do I feel desirable and I'll tell you something this is where women often really struggle because we have a core wound around selfworth that's endemic to our society we don't feel lovable we don't feel worthy and those are deep core wounds that directly impact our feeling of how desirable we are so if you don't feel desirable you have to go back deep inside and really begin to analyze what that core wound is that's holding you back from feeling like you're desirable because everybody is desirable every person is beautiful and desirable and wants to love and be loved I say this a lot to older women who are like I'm getting back out in the world I'm 60 I'm 70 will I ever find anybody and I said oh darling there are so many men waiting out there if that's what they want as a man there are so many men waiting out there to love you and to give you everything you want don't worry they're out there so that's desire desire is not only how do I feel about my own desirability but how do I feel about my partner oh did they let themselves go are they drinking too much are they having a midlife crisis around their career and they're grumpy are they having trouble with sleep are they showing up for you are they continuing to romance you if they're not you have to say look I'm I am your person and I see that you're not showing up as the man man that I believe you can be and here are some of the ways it's manifesting and here are some of the things that I'd like you to do to change that and here are some of the ways that I'd love for you to re-engage with me romantically so that we can begin again when you lose desire for a partner that you used to have desire for often what's wrong is that the there's there's this kind of trust and safety and then there's this novelty and variety and they have to be in balance because if it's too much trust and not enough variety it's boring and if it's the other way around it's scary for most people so that's where You' go to your partner and say these are some new things I'd like to try this is some stuff that I want you to do to show up as the person I need to desire and then arousal this is a I think I mean I think this is if I think there's anything that's tripping us gals up in our little Lacy knickers it's that we do not understand our female dis our female arousal patterns because we've been having sex like men and then we think there's something wrong with us and we think we're broken and as one of my girlfriends an a ly for says she says you're not broken sex is and it's because we've been having what I call patriarchal sex we've been expecting that our bodies act like men's bodies instead of women's bodies so I like to talk I like to teach women what does matri argle sex look like and I'll give you just a couple of those things please because when a woman hears that she's like oh geez I thought it was me and I'm like no Mama it's all of us there uh the very first thing that you have to understand and I did I did bring a silly little thing to show you may I okay anyone listen on audio I'll give a bit of a an explanation it's looks like a banana I I'm assuming it's not a banana it is a banana and um really when you think about the male your male partner he has a banana it looks like a banana yeah and when he when he's asleep at night he has many times when that banana is sticking straight up and then when he wakes up it's sticking straight up too if he's healthy and he gets these surges of testosterone which give him the benefit of being very Lusty and he's ready to go and his testosterone makes him single minded he's like goal oriented you know how when you when a guy's doing something and and you try to tell them something and they're like ah I can't you got to tell me that later I'm like doing one thing at least I have to focus doing one thing women are like one thing if I could do one thing at a time you know we women we do a million things because we're estrogen dominant and we have to keep our eye on everything because we are the prey not the Predator so we're like the wild horses that are going to skitter away so we're not the cougar that's going after the horses we're the little wild so he's got all these incidents of seeing himself turned on and he's got this extra bolus of testosterone which is making him like all the time and so when he makes love to you he's like okay let's uh get some foreplay done so we can like have intercourse as a matter of fact when people think about sex they think about sex as being intercourse now don't get me wrong I love intercourse I really do it's really I think my favorite thing of all but only by like one little tiny bit above everything else and once I learned how to have orgasms from intercourse which I didn't learn until I was in my mid-40s and I want to tell every woman who's never had it that all it is is a learned skill it's very easy to cross the gasm chasm you're not broken at all you've just never gotten what I'm about to tell you and once you get that you're going to be like oh Lord I waited all this time to learn that thank you Susan Bron if you're working damn hard to kick heart and be unfreaking stoppable there's one thing I know for a fact that you need to actually show up confident and ready for anything and that's sleep that's why I want to introduce you to the secret to better sleep cozy Earth cozy Earth's luxury beding products are crafted with temperature regulating technology so you're not waking up covered in sweat and then shivering 10 minutes later and they use super soft and breathable materials that literally feel like a clouds on your skin I'm officially obsessed they are literally the softest sheets I've ever felt and so I definitely would recommend giving cozy Earth a try treat yourself right now to Ultimate comfort with cozy Earth bedding and make your sleep a priority so that you can actually show up every day with confidence and kick ass click the link below or head over to Cozy earth.com and use the promo code Lisa to save an exclusive 35% off right now upgrade your nights transform your days with cozy Earth so here's the thing about it is that if I if I looked at your man's equipment half of it sticking out and half of it goes in and down into the his testicles and if I opened up that whole bananas worth of tissue there would be inside it erectile tissue and if I could take it out of him and put it in you it would look like a little teardrop we had have the this would go right around our vaginal Canal we have the same amount of erectile tissue as our male-bodied partners but it's buried treasure only at 5% of it pops out in the tip of our clitoral structure but what happens is video was very helpful by the way I know my silly little now I did it yes my silly little Play-Doh but it does help because it's like Oh wao you mean I've got that whole thing in my V yes you do but the thing is that it's like in nooks and crannies there are three erectile tissue structures in the penis and there are three erectile tissue structures in the vulva and this is super important this is like the Rosetta Stone to having the best sex of your life right here this is the moment and that is that ours are the clitoral urethal and perinal sponges spongy tissue but they have little arms and little legs and little necks and little heads and little squishy sponges and little tubes then you could call it like an English muffin I called it an English muffin it's like uh nooks and crannies and your your arousal works on blood flow you have to get the blood the blood from your brain and your heart and your glutes and all these places into your pelvic bowl and it takes a while for it to seep into all our nooks and crannies but once it does it plumps up just like our male-bodied partner but it takes us 20 or 30 minutes even when we're regularly making love that's just how long it takes the female body to achieve a level of erection that the male body gets to in like a minute or two they're ready to go so they have this single-minded Focus they're driving toward intercourse and often they've just a they're just a freight train past where we even are first we need relaxation and safety to surrender render in the moment get out of our head and into our body and then we need the time to let down and let everything flow in sometimes we need to get things off our chest we need to have a tear come to our eye we need our saliva to run that starts to lubricate all of our genital tissues and as we do that we're like I can relax and connect my heart with my partner and I can let these things start to happen for many couples they they're long done and he's you know having a sandwich or snoozing and she's like it wasn't really very good for me but I guess I love him and I've got to do it and I have two non-negotiables in my sex life for myself one of them is that I will not let myself rush me into anything I'm not ready and fully aroused for and sometimes I get a little impatient with myself I'm like come on you old girl you've you've done this plenty of time let's go let's go let's go you know and um I just wait I'm like you're not ready just wait till she says wait till she gives you the go signal right the second thing that's a non-negotiable for me is that I don't do anything I don't continue to do anything like have intercourse if I'm not if I'm not enjoying it in the moment like sometimes you'll be having intercourse or oral pleasuring or kissing or anything and you're thinking to yourself I think I'm done with this right now and sometimes we feel like we just have to keep going so our partner can take their pleasure but I don't think so because our partners can get their pleasure anytime they need it's not our job to provide their release it's our job to show up and be enthusiastic and to learn new things and to have a great sex life together and that means honoring her when we honor her when we speak our voice to our partner and say hey I got to stop now I that was great and thank you um I'm complete or I'd like to do something else or it's not feeling that great for me today especially in midlife as you start to have a Slowdown of lubrication you have a sometimes you have you know you have estrogen diminishment the tissue's thin Etc I'd like to talk about that later in the show because it's all can be reversed women do not need to suffer with any of these problems that keep them from having great sex till the day they die because I'm 62 and you know I'm having the best sex of my life and part of it is the allowing myself and knowing that this is what the female body takes and part of it is to just call it when it doesn't feel good hey let's take a break let's have a sip of water let's just you know chill for chill for a second and let's see if if she wants to resume or comes up with a better idea I love that by and so that's the libido part of it with the like honoring your libido understanding the difference between men and women's libidos um and understanding it so that we can then act in accordance um I love that and you just said right you're 62 and you're having the best sex of your life I love that I really am when you first got married cuz you've been married for over 30 I've been married 30 years and together for 32 yeah amazing so at the beginning was their Sparks was there fireworks in your sexual relationship very early on the first few months I knew he was the one for me um and I did like making love with him but I never had orgasms and I had sex with my husband for 12 years without ever having an orgasm from intercourse and it made me not want to have sex with him and that poor guy he Le turned himself inside out trying to figure out how to get me in the bedroom you know and I just was like I wanted great sex but I just wasn't having it and so we thought thought well we're great every other place in our relationship we've got this beautiful little girl I mean like why you know we saw our friends all getting divorced around that time right we were in our late 30s early 40s and we saw them dropping LIF lies and we knew it wasn't money because we were all Silicon Valley go go go executive people and we knew we knew it was sex and we thought we're going to figure this out and so we went to therapy and that was helpful for some things but we started going to sex workshops boy did that take a lot of bravery and that's what set me off on this career decades ago was realizing that oh my Lord it is so easy to have great sex if somebody just tells you what to do and I'm like I'm going to do that was it just then that you were Relentless to try and find the answer because there so many women that I mean thousands and millions I hate to think yeah but there really are where they don't do that they just think oh it's them it's or yeah it's them plus like well we've been together forever what do you expect amount of people that say that and so honestly I'm always trying to think even with this interview like I came in thinking okay how do you go from dating someone Sparks the honeymoon phase you can't keep your hands off each other to then it feels like you blink but I hear a lot of women say then it's just it just irritates me when he touches me like he wants sex and all I can think about is the dishes and I go what has happened how have we gone from honeymoon phase can't get your you know keep your hand hands off me to now I just don't want him to touch me it's over maybe well we've got kids we've been together for a long time and then you just dismiss it and you think that's it yeah you didn't do that what is it that um that people are missing that they don't realize that you actually realized a couple of things number one how easy it is to learn great sexual skills that there are a lot of fun to learn when you uh begin as beginners together that keeps the sexual spark alive when you're continuing to learn new things and one of the things I always like to say that um if sex were a brand it's tagline would be sex there's always something more it's like it it's the gift that keeps on giving and one of the nice things about having great sex your whole lifelong is that it makes you look younger it makes you healthier and like if there's person a that just gives up on their sex life and that woman gave up on her sex life because the sex wasn't any good for her if it was good for her she'd been continuing to do it and guys come to me so one of my programs I wrote is called revive her drive and it's a ninja little trick that I pull on them and then they're like ah you tricked me because they think they're going to fix her and what I actually do is I fix them and then she wants them again because they're needy or they're glammy or they don't have enough skill and they don't and it's not their fault either because they don't understand how she is and lives in her woman's body so when I teach them about arousal when I teach them how to make her small offers that lead to more yeses for bigger things which is the number one seduction trick in the world for a man is look she's way back there you got to turn around and come back and get her and you can't be like do you want to have some sex because she's gonna be like I do not want to have sex I had a million things going on that's a l thing on my mind and so he just makes this giant offer that you're a no to instead of would you like a foot rub would you like a glass of chardonay and tell me about your day like let's just start get into my world come sit beside me let's get synchronized here right and then let's ride up the arousal ladder together and really one of the things that I love about men is that they once they understand that they're like I can do that I'll do that for her and I'm like I know you will and so it turns out it's not her drive that needs to be revived it's always inside there waiting to be Unleashed it just needs the right combination of things and a giant offer for intercourse ain't it so let me give you like 20 or 30 other things she might like to have that'll get you there and then here's a couple of skills that you need to understand and here's how a woman's anatomy works and just do these things and she'll really love she'll be making dates with you for love making so if she doesn't have the libido yeah you don't necessarily want to want it yeah you don't want right women say to me I want to want him but I don't yeah yeah so there's that conflict between you actually don't feel like it but once you start to feel like it it actually improves yes well it's actually just being willing to try and for him to slow down and for you to have patience with yourself and how long it takes for all the blood to flow into all the nooks and crannies do you know the word Yoni I've heard you use it but I've never heard it before if you don't mind explaining really sweet word it is adorable and the Yoni y n i is the tantric love making word it's a very honorable word and it really signifies her entire urogenital system so it's not just down to one part it's not just her vagina or her clitoris or what have you it's like all the parts you got to get all the parts in play so I like to call that erectile function her yoner and I think that's a sweet way to to say it and until she gets enough stimulation and blood flow and that can come from the inside out and the outside in so the Inside Out is kissing body touching words of adoration and encouragement mood lighting romance these are things that get the juices literally flowing like it's called get the juices flowing for a reason because you literally have to get the yoner and that takes her 20 minutes and so when she gets that time then she starts to go oh okay this is feeling good and when she's had enough time and stimulation externally um then all that tissue is so expanded that you could pretty much do anything to her and it's going to feel good so if you think about it if if if your Yoni is small and Tiny and there's no blood flow to it it's it's just kind of like stuck and when you get all that blood flowing in from the loving and the touching and the encouragement and the sensual play and it gets nice and big and expanded then it has more surface area and it has this turgidity to it that's springy and feels nice to be touched and it loves lots of kind of touch when it's like that and when it's like that and it has that big surface area it starts to send more signals to our biggest sex organ our brain which processes it as pleasurable there's this study that I read recently a nurse practitioner had 41 subjects who she touched in erogenous zones on her body breasts nipples clitoral tip inal sphincter which is the opening to your vagina it's a little round muscle and the labia and they were to report what they felt and basically if you read all the analysis and all of verbatims it was a couple of different categories it was I feel pain I feel shame I feel numb I don't feel anything or I feel pleasure it's kind of those four categories really and so the thing is that you might feel pleasure in one little spot of your Yoni right now but that's because all the other parts haven't been activated once you get the blood flowing in the time that you need for arousal and you get the kind of loving touch that your body is craving you activate all that tissue and then you're sending massive amounts of signals to the brain that are like this is plure plure pleasure plure pleasure and then you start Crossing that orgasm Gap and you begin to be able to have the 20 different kinds of orgasms that the body can have you and and this is what I like about thinking about your sex life as a part of your personal growth and you get better and better your whole lifelong just like anything else just like learning to cook or Master anything that's all it is that's so powerful but then what's the difference then between someone who maybe felt that fire and that passion and had everything that you said and knows and then it Fizzles out to the point where you even said right you were 10 years you were like Liv in a platonic relationship with your husband what between that honeymoon phase and the platonic phase and then from what you said like if you do all of these things then you can have a beautiful sexual thriving relationship which then can then absolutely impact your actual relationship with them right brings you closer together I think trust gets built um just the the kindness the camraderie like the partnership that ends up building how do we help people so that they don't get to the point like you were where you lived 10 years of being platonic with your husband well I didn't I didn't know what I didn't know back then but the answer to your question is simple and it's essentially learning new things together I said it earlier and I'll say it again the answer to the monotony of monogamy is variety right you even said there's this equation it's like yeah you've got too much monotony and not enough variety so one of the things that I did I have written hundreds of sex techniques in bedroom communication skills and I have I sat down one day and I said okay well a technique is a great thing and a communication skill is a great thing but what couples really want is what I like to call erotic playd dates I put together 48 erotic play dates for couples now if you're if you're a single there are many that you can do with solo pleasuring but these erotic play dates often times couples are totally willing to do new things they just don't know what to do so I came up with these four 48 ideas and I put them on a list and I basically give them to people and it's called the sex life bucket list and you print out this PDF and it's got little places to Mark each one of the 48 things and you write A's for the things that you're like well I would really like to find my G-spot or whatever it is and B's are well it's not for me um you know but if my partner would like to do it I I would totally be down with doing that for my partner or with my partner and CES are it's not for me right now because Never Say Never there's always more that's sex there's always something more and you'll be like now I want that so then you have your A-list and you just start making dates and saying okay well what are we going to do on Thursday well I'll bring home some Chinese food or we'll get you know takeaway and then uh let's learn this thing together and then you begin is really it's teenage energy it's new relationship energy that gets imbued in your relationship because you're just doing something and neither of you know what you're doing and you're laughing and you're having fun and you're trying something new and you're breaking out of the monotony of monogamy I when I heard you have the the sex bucket list I was like it's so genius and I love the ratings of it because it doesn't mean that you have to you don't feel like you're trapped you're communicating with your partner about whether you're willing to do it right now or not um and having been married for 21 years and being with my husband for 23 like he can still make me orgasm like nobody's business I mean like insane even better than ever I hope yes good now here's one I'm going to be very honest though cuz I'm always very honest with my audience yes you are because we've been married for so long we know exactly how to turn each other on we know exactly how to make each other orgasm and so you always cut out a lot of the experimental stuff because you know exactly what to do and so in that right now I don't have it but I do worry after having researched a lot of you right like your stuff is the boredom thing I'm not bored at all because he knows exactly how to press my buttons but where does that go them from knowing your other partner knowing what turns them on and then it becoming so monotonous that actually that's now becoming detrimental to your relationship so I like to think about you know how he was talking about touching all these areas and it Awakening new neural Pathways to the brain so that you were getting you know how there's like one you've got that one pathway that's like a sure thing the idea is that when you do orgasmic cross trining you're actually you do the thing that's working and then you add in a new thing and then you can just do the new thing it expands your ability to have pleasure and sensation into whole new ways so you might say to yourself well I'm interested in activating my G-spot and then I'm interested in learning about female ejaculation I'm interested in learning how to have orgasms from intercourse I'm interested in learning how to have throat gasms I mean there's all kinds of interesting orgasmic experiences so you could have an expanded orgasm practice you could have a Yoni and lingum massage practice and all of these things are going to activate new neural Pathways so that you become not only orgasmic but multi-orgasmic then you become massively multi-orgasmic then you become orgasmic in many different ways of stimulation you can add new techniques onto it like I don't know erotic hypnosis for example or expanded orgasm one of the things that is really fun is to understand that climax is not the male model for women we've again this is the matriarchal versus patriarchal situation here where patriarchal ejaculatory orgasms look like he goes has his moment and then he needs a sandwich so uh for for the female body and actually the male body can be trained to do it we really have the same Parts in different order you've heard many experts say that and it's true um that's what we've been we've learned is orgasm but it is not at all there are orgasms that are those kinds of you know one andone orgasms and then there are multiple orgasms and then there are EX extended orgasms and extended orgasms are you get into that moment of climax and you just keep coming yeah buddy and they last a long time you're coming and coming and coming and you know it's noisy and you're screaming and it's the most incredible experience and boy does your partner love it when you do that right but then there are expanded orgasms and expanded orgasms are the next level beyond that I sometimes call them the quantum orgasms because not only do you go up now this is a arousal again this is like okay there's a there's a liftoff takes a lot of work that's the 20 minutes of focused energy for relaxation and pleasuring but once you get that liftoff you're like a big Wave Rider where you get up into orgasm and you start to have more orgasms and they last longer and they feel better and they just keep getting more and more incredible put that one on your bucket list oh hell you know it's already going on there girl recording so how have you been able to go from the you know being 10 years with your husband being platonic it kind of fizzling out to then in your 60s being so vibrant and excited about sex because at least from um from what I understood growing up it was always like oh you you lose your sex drive as you get older you lose your libido as you get older and I think that that's probably also where a lot of women and end up um selling themselves too short because as they get older it's maybe you don't feel them if you're going through menopause in fact did that make a difference like I'm so curious about as you get older how do you keep building your libido your desire and your arousal so uh if you think that sex is for procreation only then sex is over when you go through menopause that's where that came from and that's not true sex is what fuels Your vitality and there was a study done in Europe with I think it was 2,300 people were shown photos of people between the ages of 18 and 80 and asked to guess their age and there was this group of people that everybody guessed to be about 108 to 10 years younger than they actually were and they were really puzzled about this for a while and they couldn't figure it out and they're like these are like they're super young why do they look super young and they finally figured out that it was those people were having intimate relations three times a week or more and I they said sex but if I say sex you'll think intercourse and women will be like I'm out because they haven't ever had good intercourse right so let's start there but I say it's intimacy these super young they had co-regulation of their nervous systems they had uh hormones that flooded their body with from the pleasure they had a Cascade of neurotransmitters feel-good transmitters like serotonin and dopamine they had spermidine which comes from semen and it is it essentially does autophagy it cleans cellular debris out now you can take a supplement I actually I take spermine every morning and night when a guy comes inside you that actually in his seen is testosterone I also do testosterone replacement therapy don't tell Ka that they're going to use that as a way to like use it as face cream and well I'll tell you something I I don't like to waste it on my face for me personally though I know many people do and I think for some men that really makes them feel very accepted and I understand that as well you know uh their body is accepted when when you do that um but it's you know the I'm not putting anyone who's not in a male female pair B bondage relationship in any you know lesser category but there is a symbiotic relationship between the two genders you know the ancient tost Masters the DST masters from thousands of years ago in China they would do Seaman retention and it was the spermidine that was keeping them young that was why they wouldn't release so they could last long so they would have sex with all their concubines but they wouldn't release because they wanted to live forever and the the component that was making them live forever was in the semen and it was spermine and purine and they do autophagy for us which is cellular renewal W I know actually my eyelashes are finally growing thicker I lost a lot I had a lot of hair loss like you I had it from a virus and um I've had to regrow everything and I've been doing the spermidine and I've been doing stem cells and all kinds of things to get all that to grow back but these super young you know you think about it they're getting hormones they're getting oxytocin they're Co ulating they they're getting their stress release they're feeling connected and loved and that makes you not only look 10 years younger but live longer so for me it's not only my love making doesn't just fuel my vitality and creativity and my passion for life it also makes me feel and look younger wow I love that um so talk to me a bit more about what else we can do like I know that you're so into like the biohacking and I'm I love that I geek out about it so tell me what are the sorts of things like cuz you're very tactical as well like what are the Tactical things that we can do um maybe and I don't know would it vary depending on what age you are and where you are in your your sexual um Evolution and if you're with somebody I'm not sure if that would make a difference but it's really about what's going on with your body and it can happen at any time time it could be uh postpartum it could be param menopausal through menopausal it could be later than that but most most female bodies have loss of lubrication they have thinning of the tissue they have incontinence urg and sneeze in continence they have atrophy of the tissue and they have uh the vaginal tissue yes uh the even the labial tissue the external and the internal and and and we get um more difficulty achieving climax that's with age because what happens is your vascular system starts to retract and when your vascular when your veins and capillaries start to pull back to protect your organs and you start to shrink as you age and you start to get swelling of your ankles or your rings don't come off as well or things like that that's vascular loss that's that's plaque in your arteries that begins to calcify which sends you toward heart disease and you know we talk a lot about breast cancer but heart disease is the number one killer of women and it's from this vascular retraction and this you know plaque right aerosis is what it's called and when you can't get the blood flow to your genitals they begin to atrophy and when there's no blood in it's called ination the nerves can't grow because the nerves don't have their own blood supply they're supplied by the capillaries and the veins and that's all they kind of work together in these little tree trunks so what happens is as your estrogen drops that gets the tissue thin when you have no ability when your when your ability to not get enough blood flow to the pelvic Bowl happens and the and you get this vascular retraction the tissue starts to shrink and atrophy so you're getting thinning and shrinking so how do you reverse it I do I mean I am more lubricated now in my 60s than I was in my 20s I'm just a I'm just a juicy little devil these days and that's because I do a couple of things the bottom of the stack is I do hormone replacement as a matter of fact now I'm an anomaly but I have chosen not to go through menopause yet so I'm 62 and I I'm menting right now actually yes I still menstrate I have this dumb saying I swear Lisa if you could improve this for me I'm begging you but what I say is if she ain't bleeding she's receding because we I know but literally it's like our bodies are planned obsolescent they start breaking down about menopause and it's kind of a fast line downhill and I don't want to get on that slide I'm on the upward slide of everything the upward pleasure and human potential spiral that's what I'm on so I work out a lot I try to work out almost every day that I possibly can and I lift a lot of weight I like a lot of exertion I do hormone replacement test testosterone estrogen and Pro progesterone I put the estrogen in my vagina I put the testosterone on my clitoral structures is that typical or is that it's fantastic of course you can do that yeah just put it right where it needs to go and it absorbs into your body you just get the right amounts of dosages and you do your blood tests and your Dutch test to see how you're doing and you is it someone you go like is it someone like a specific doctor is or is it your gynecologist you you can go to you can gynecologists aren't very well schooled in these things but function doctors naturopathic doctors um integrative doctors are the people who will really get you that stuff and is it like cream yeah it's a cream and I actually have it compounded in shea butter because I say if you wouldn't put it in here you shouldn't put it in there they're two ends of the same tube basically they're mucosal lining so you don't want to absorb toxins you're trying to get rid of toxins in today's world right we're trying to detox not retox so uh bioidentical hormone replacement is excellent and estrogen is neuroprotective heart protective it keeps your tissues Supple the testosterone helps you with confidence and musculature and brain function as well I mean these things are wonderful and available to us now in the 21st century so I do that the second thing that I do is I take a nitric oxide booster nitric oxide is this the thing in your body that squeezes the blood around to where it needs to go it's the it it has the vascular tone it keeps vascular tone and if you can't get the blood into your pelvic Bowl it it accelerates that atrophy along with the loss of estrogen so those two things are very easy to do and like the first line of defense the next thing that I like to do is I like to either offer people I forgot to bring it darn it it's called The Vagina device and it's at vaginad device.com and it's Redlight therapy it's photobiomodulation red light therapy up inside the vagina what yes so what it does does is it stimulates mitochondrial development which generates more ATP which is your energy and that creates a thickening of your vaginal mucosa brings back the vaginal mucosa lining it also has warmth and vibration that allow your incontinence to be reversed which is really nice so it keeps that at Bay and in the red light also stimulates glycogen glycogen is what good vaginal microbiome bacteria like to eat and as we age and our estrogen diminishes our glycogen diminishes so the red light and the estrogen replacement help keep that vaginal mucosal lining Supple and wonderful for some women they're like that's not enough I don't I don't have um I can't it's like it's taking me everything to get to orgasm these days I'm like almost there almost there oh my husband's the same way he's going at me it takes forever you know and so for that I like femiwave femiwave is an acoustic wave technology that's done to the entire vulva that penetrates into all the tissue there and regenerates it it does tiny little micro damage yeah it's a little wand that they run right over the top of everything and it stimulates a bunch of new vascularization tissue growth nerve growth it brings you back it's like re reverses aging of the genital system so it's really incredible so that's what I do I really love that and I recommend that much over the vaginal lasers and things like that because this is it does it all instead of just up inside so I love that so those are the things that work really well it's going to be impossible to bring your confidence and badass energy to your work your family and your friends when you're constantly drained but by fine-tuning your metabolic health you can actually solve a lot of these problems and feel so much better and there's no better tool to help you get there than Lumen with Lumen you can actually get realtime insights and recommendations to optimize your metabolic health so if you want to take the next step into actually improving your health so that you can feel like a freaking confident badass then go to lumen.me and use coupon code n ybbs which is nurture your bad [ __ ] soul to get 15% off your Lumen right now take advantage because this is literally the lowest price they've ever been and it's only for you guys that are listening and watching right now so go to Lumen spelled l m nme m and use coupon code nbbs at checkout to get your 15% off right now let's say people don't have access to this or you know they get busy and people like I don't even have time to do all that and God it's I already have a long laundry list to do and now you want me to do right I totally get it me too what are the things that more people can do almost like on a simple basis that maybe even daytoday that can eventually really help them uh build that their libido back and that connection with their partner yep Yoni massage it it really is the thing and it's very hard for women to Simply receive and it's a very good practice to allow yourself to first of all let your partner kind of be all thumbs at first and to learn their way around and to find out what kind of touch you like and to give that pleasure to you but I have never met a partner who doesn't want to do that for their woman once they know that that is it's really like a a portal into unlimited pleasure for a woman because we need all this stimulation to get the blood flowing in there as you touch that tissue and it becomes more plump more tessent more you know swollen if you will with the blood flow every everything starts to feel good so then he's just and and the way that I like to do it is I tell guys it's like a bullseye I call it my Bullseye touch technique which is if you think about a bullseye with the concentric Rings most guys are like I got to pull the arrow back and go right for the creamy center you know that's how they are right I mean they're just like so goal oriented and I say you've got to do everything you can to control that impulse because nobody wants to be grabbed by the right away we're not ready slow down turn around come back get us let us get in our body calm our nervous system pleasure our Yoni after you've stroked us and kissed us and held us and told us what you love about us and how smart we are how sexy we are all of those things we need to hear then start on the mons and start on the outer areas the outer labia and think about it like you're doing the outside ring first and that's your 3 2 1 three is the outside two is the inside which would be maybe the clitoral hood the inner laia the little forchette at the bottom and sometimes outside is even inner thighs the groin your little sweet cheeks your belly I like a belly massage I hold a lot of tension in my belly and I'm always trying to hold it in uh which I you know I try to let it go but you know when you're thinking about things or whatever you're holding and uh so I love when my man starts with my belly and if you are the kind of person who were you're like well the for is not available to me um or I can't afford it or what have you just get some Al some avocado oil or some sweet almond oil or some hoba oil and use that or some MCT oil whichever one you like this the feel of just be careful if you're getting avocado that it's not green get the refined kind or it'll stain your sheet oh you don't want the green one have them give you a belly massage can I just ask you in this moment are you already in the mood cuz I'm thinking about someone oh so you're literally like you're not in the mood you really don't want to be touched but you know are you just telling yourself then once he starts you know you're going to like it like how do you actually then get in the mood well I give it 20 minutes of undivided attention on my pleasure and relaxation I allow my body to do what I know she can and then if I get there and I'm like I just don't think I can go further today that was really good and I really appreciate it thank you for trying I couldn't get lift off as long what I say to men is give her unlimited Yoni massages because right now you're not getting as much sex as you want but when you start giving her unlimited Yi massages and she and the the one time out of 10 she's like I just I don't know I think I just need to roll over and go to sleep now do you mind and you say of course not darling it was my pleasure to make you feel good you let me tuck you in do you need anything before you go to bed he's gonna he's gonna win so big by doing that when he gets out of the I'll do you if you do me what I call the quidd pro quo right when he gets out of that mindset like I'm giving to get because oh we can tell as soon as he gets out of that and he's like you by official declaration in this marriage to you you have unlimited Yoni massages sign up here and you're like really and he does it 20 times and 18 of them you end up having the best sex of your life and two of them he tucks you in and puts the little sheet over your shoulder and he loves you even more because he's gotten way more sex he's netted more sex you've had better sex you're finally starting to have really good orgasms because you're getting all that genital you know yumminess I swear it is just the trick it's the trick oh my God I love that so much uh Susan where can people find you and everything that you're doing and all these amazing products and your books and all the content and the courses and everything that you you've got out there well I think probably the main place is better lover.com there's Yoni massage videos on there they're not explicit you can watch them with your partner better lover.com gets you on my newsletter and that's where I send out sex tips and sexual biohacking and all these kinds of things and I'm on Instagram by my name Susan Bratton but but um I think that's a good place to start if you're wondering why he sucks at sex and how to actually fix it then keep watching the one of the top Google questions number number one is where is the G-Spot which makes me think that oh men do want to pleasure women so they actually want to know where the G-Spot is I was like good on your dudes yeah they do they absolutely do so the G-Spot just so you know for years people like the G-Spot doesn't exist or it's not a real orgasm or it does exist I mean it's doesn't people for so many years female anatomy has been understudied and completely debated and all I want to say is yes there is a G-spot I call it the G area because it's not necessarily a particular spot plus it was invented after this guy graffenburg and he did not have a G-spot leave it to a man to name the G-Spot in a woman and whatever but the G-Spot is essentially the internal clitoral nerve end so the clitoris isn't just a little bud if you don't maybe do know or you don't know isn't just that bud that's outside the vaginal opening um the little butt on top it actually has legs that extend deep inside behind the laia and right there about an inch an inch and a half to 2 inches inside the vaginal opening up towards the the be the belly button is an area and that area when stimulated can feel incredible now to have a G-spot orgasm it helps to have a clinal orgasm first and to already be red because it's all orgasm is all about blood flow and it's all about you know kind of the stimulus so you're sort of thinking about that getting revved up you're getting already turned on and then you'll feel like an area when you're looking for the G-Spot with this come Heather motion with your finger to towards the belly button you start to feel a little rough area kind of like a peach pit and you apply pressure to that area for maximum stimulation everybody rewind that again and again and again and play it for your for your guy or for your partner because you just explained it so perfectly so if people are reading and I'm just going to say men just for ease here but obviously it's never going to be just men but if men are looking for how do I you know find the G-Spot for my woman they actually want to please you so now as women if we always revert to faking it because we're uncomfortable we're insecure we're now speaking different languages so that's why again I really want to do this episode and go about how we think differently because that was so enlightening because I think that for me again just going to go back to me in me faking it I was doing such a disservice to the guy because he thought he found it he thought he was pleasing me and now he's not going to go learn and to be honest I probably did a disservice then for the next woman that was to follow me exactly that's exactly it Lisa we are doing a disservice down to yourself you're robbing yourself of pleasure you're robbing yourself of sexual growth of understanding your body but then your partner is going I'm the king of the Universe I can make every woman orgasm and yeah it's a disservice but not only that we just so that's part of it and I was a faker too for many many years and in fact this is one of the reasons why I got into this career because I was like I do not want to live a life of Faking it I assumed that if my partner had an orgasm and I faked it like it was a good time because it was more about I prioritized his pleasure over my own so I had to really do the work going back to masturbation I figured out my most valuable sex information about my Myself by letting my fingers a vibrator figure it all out like that's what I had to do and then when we talk about intimacy and connecting to a partner and what makes great sex and what makes great confidence is because I now know how to please myself so when my partner's trying to figure out right the different combinations of the Rubik's Cube I can be like thanks for trying you seem really enthusiastic here let me show you what I've learned and a partner who doesn't have ego around it and just has wants to please you is going to be like cool thank God few I don't have to Fumble around cuz you know when you've done the work so a lot of us don't know and it doesn't surprise you that people are are Googling like G-spot because we just literally I mean let me tell you about that there's a G-spot but then there's a clitoris and the clitoris in the writing of this book for years we've all been saying the clitoris is 8,000 nering the clitoris is 8,000 nerve rtings it is the only sexual organ that exists for pleasure come to find out in the middle of the book there is a New York Times a headliner that says it has 12,000 nerve cuz they just did study we found 4,000 more nerve edings a circumcised penis has 4,000 nerve edings some would say that the G area is actually clitoral nerve internal clitoral nerves that sort of come to the head at a spot so it's all related it looks different on everybody so do some work figure it out have some fun with it and stop faking it right cuz we just doing everyone please do not fake it I faked it for so many years listen and if you're faking it I think that it's also okay cuz I I always get questions people like what do I do we might have talked about this and someone said maybe someone emailed or called but like what do you do if you have been faking it all this time and how do you handle it and I think first off just letting yourself know that it's okay having compassion to yourself and then you could also say to a parter you know I really wanted to orgasm and I feel like I've been getting close to it but I want to have a different kind of orgasm I want it to be more collaborative I'm thinking we could learn together like let's slow it down let's learn our bodies I mean you could say you were faking it you could say you did you learned that it was a different way I'm just TR to that's what literally I was going to ask you Emily so let's let's play no [ __ ] you've been in a relationship let's say for I'm not even going to say a long time let's say three years and you've just been faking it let's say you've been insecure you weren't confident yet you've listened to you didn't think you could yeah like all the things that we've spoken about and now you're like okay I understand why I can't fake it anymore how do you approach that like in all honesty how do you approach do you think it's a good idea to say look I I just was a different person then I've now learned or is it better just to like stay quiet and like just then evolve what do you say to your partner is you just say Okay so these are the conversations that have to happen outside the bedroom you don't want to have in the bedroom you don't want to have it happen when you're like hey let let's let's just you know I love to encourage people and remind people to leave the better for sleeping and for sex yes is what the three T's the three T's of communication have we T timing tone so these are the three T's timing tone and turf just remember this when you want to have your conversations about sex you want to do it at the right time when you are not remember this halt hungry angry lonely or tired if you are any one of those States that is not the time to have a conversation about such a Charged subject like your sex life so so when you are feeling really good and connected to your partner and you're chilling you're hanging out you're going to a movie you're going for a walk those are when you want to have this is when you want to have these conversations the other the other time is the tone the tone is open Curious confident and it's light and it's supportive and it's saying you know what babe I realize that we haven't talked about our sex life before but I really want to be a great lover to you I really want to figure out way that we can be the most supportive together so and then you're and then we can get back to how to do this using the orgasm conversation and the turf is outside the bedroom it can be when you are what I love to tell people is when you're going for a walk because this way you're walking it's intimate but you don't have to make eye contact are the best things when you're in a car driving CU that way you're like literally to make eye contact but you know that you're safe no one can hear your conversation you're driving along you're like so on a road trip so let's talk about our sex life that's those are like just that's like that's we start so you're having this conversation you're saying listen I've been learning a lot about intimacy lately and sex I came from a place where I didn't learn a lot about my body I didn't really understand my orgasms or pleasure or masturbation or any of that and I was listening to women of impact Lisa Bilu and Emily Morris from sex with Emily we they were talking about this and I'd actually heard this conversation before and I realize that I've been really invested in our relationship and I really want to make you feel good and I love this is when you also can use one of my tips which is the compliment sandwich we can go into another tactic and you this is where you start by telling something that you really love about your sex life because this is going to come as a big surprise to your partner so you say and I was thinking about our sex life and all the things I love about I love how we make out I love how you slowly kiss me I love that you're always down to please me and that's the first part of the bread and then there's the meat the meat is when you're giving some constructive feedback and and you're perhaps you're letting them know that you say you know what I what I learned is that when we're together I have a lot of enthusiasm a lot of times it seems like I am orgasming and I've been trying really really hard to figure out my own body what makes me feel good but I had a lot of Shame around the fact that I didn't know how to orgasm and I was not being honest with you I was faking my pleasure I've been doing it forever not just with you I'm going to assume people do with all their lovers and this has nothing to do with you or your penis or anything it has to do with my own misinformation not valuing my pleasure not bailing my body and then you end that last piece of bread is where we wrap it up and you're like and I really hope that we could start to slow down and learn my body together because I know when I start having genuine real orgasmic pleasure that our sex life is really going to go to the next level and I could be even better lover to you and you can be a better lover to me so would you be willing to take some time to learn and explore it together that's how you do it that was so wonderful it's hard it's a tough one right and you yeah I mean you're probably like what do you mean what do you mean but like if you understand that the cards are stacked against women nobody's teaching us how to orgasm we're watching porn and the women are screaming pleasure when the penis is going inside and I'm s there going like he's nowhere near her clitoris there's no way she's having pleasure what the hell is going on we're told us to happen in five minutes like everything so I I just hope that if you are nervous about this and you do feel shame that the world has not been on your side like it's not like all of your other friends are orgasm being like crazy they're not they're probably fing it too so having compassion for yourself and having a partner that's really like down to try it doesn't mean you can remind them me it doesn't mean that I wasn't enjoying our sex life remember it just means that I haven't taken the time yet to explore and this is why I also love mutual masturbation mutual masturbation is like one of my top tips for people in a relationship no matter what the stage of your relationship you don't have to be together 20 years to to to do this I mean people think oh God that's so intimate well once we've cleared and if you didn't hear this part rewind but we talked about masturbation being healthy a healthy part of your your sexual health assume that you you know do masturbate you've gotten there to say to your partner would you be down with the two of us can masturbate side by side because this way you're not only it's a kind of a twofer you're learning your own body what feels good you're seeing what your partner's doing you're like oh like that first off it's really you're you're learning what they do like I didn't know that you took your hand and you put up over your penis or you cup your balls like maybe next time I'm with your penis I'll do the same thing or with your vagina like we're learning what they actually do and it's also really hot it's hot to see your partner in ecstasy and pleasure and pleasing themselves and it's kind of a ther cuz then you know you're going to have an orgasm you know you're going to have pleasure I love the threea yeah the threea who doesn't love a ther right and what I love also in everything you explain it if you've had multiple partners I'm just going to say it for myself I just assumed all guys were the same like when I first started having sex for my first boyfriend I thought oh okay this is what he likes so I just took that and onto my second person that I slept with because I was like oh this is must be what guys like and sometimes it's like the complete opposite and so understanding and having that like open communication with that like uh mutual masturbation I think is wonderful because you can actually just see for yourself what they like specifically exactly that's it that's how you're going to learn that's how you're going to learn everyone's different everyone's partner is different I remember one time I was the guy and he was like didn't like his balls touched so for years I didn't touch any balls and then I was like okay but then when some guy was I do like it I'm like great like I cannot make assumptions but that's why the most important thing is to go every time you're with a with a partner you have the opportunity to learn something new it's a whole new body they have different sets of nerve endings they have different things are different places so you get to learn together yeah and I don't know about you but again I'm just going to speak for myself I used to make it about me so in fact let's talk about a man getting hard the soft penis yes we always make it about us we assume especially women with I think men do this too but let's talk about women do if he's not hard I must not be attractive right um if he's not going down to me it must mean that I smell or there's something wrong with me um if he's not initiating he always initiates but now he's not initiating what did I do wrong we immediately make it about ourselves especially when it comes to something about sex I think most things actually it's not about us it's usually about the other person with actually most things in life that's a great lesson like it's not toless you get get curious ask questions find out have these conversations but we do ourselves such a disservice when we make these assumptions that there's something wrong with us and then we're just blocking ourselves off from pleasure blocking ourselves off from having the best sex that we can have so yeah we are totally making assumptions and then you just say like hey like I actually had a boyfriend that I had this relationship with him and I said to him about the same thing about oral sex we had been together for about a year and at the beginning he used to go down to me all the time and then he stopped and I knew that oral sex was a really important source of my arousal it was like a requirement for me like I wanted oral sex I liked oral sex I just started doing this career I was learning to ask for what I want so I said to him I said what is it I actually asked him I said is that you don't know what I want cuz I can tell you is that you think I don't want it or is it just not your thing and he's like it just not my thing I was like okay well then you're not my thing now listen the truth of the matter is it might not have been his thing because maybe he had a bad experience with an ex and maybe she didn't like it or maybe she maybe something happened and she told him he was bad at it and he internalized it as it's not my thing or maybe he was with somebody like let's be honest sometimes there is an odor with somebody and usually if there is it's because she might have an untreated SDI a lot of times women have an odor they might have bacterial vaginosis and they just can't smell it they don't know it you can't it's really hard to get rid of it sometimes and that just comes from different things that can come from sex with a new partner we can have different infections that can lead to an odor that might not be aware of so maybe there was a an experience that just wasn't great and they didn't really know how to handle it so as he's internalized oral sex telling that wasn't his thing so if that happens to you if someone's not going down in you I encourage you have conversation about anything do not make assumptions that it's about you you could ask them maybe they'll say to you I didn't think that you liked it or had a bad experience once or maybe they'll say to you yeah maybe there is an odor maybe you should get checked by your doctor because in the past you have been smelled this way but something has shifted and I really care about you and your health so please go get checked out by a doctor now I know people think they're going to roll over and die that would be the worst thing ever but the truth is if your partner is telling you that is because they care about you they want to please you and they want you to be sexually healthy but most of the time especially with sex we make all the assumptions it's about me I'm a bad lover my penis is too soft you know and again we assume if they're not hard that we're not hot like oh my God he's not hard clearly I'm not attractive to him anymore clearly my [ __ ] wasn't good enough clearly and I'm telling you it could be further from the case most of what's happening during sex or not happening during sex has to do with our own mind our own insecurity we [ __ ] block ourselves like we orgasm block ourselves more than somebody else we're worried we're not going to come we're worried we're not going to stay hard and as a result of that we don't so and that's because we're not talking about it if we could say to someone hey babe tonight or if you're going down to me here's what I actually need thanks for that like let me show you what I need I need to go a little bit softer a little bit slower you know maybe you and maybe if my neck hurts and I'm the one who's giving I can get into another position you know like we have to just give each other permission to that sex isn't so linear that you can stop and start and we can talk about things and we can adjust and we can like make it more comfortable if we went to a movie theater with a barter and we didn't like the popcorn or we didn't like our seats or we were uncomfortable we would move it around we would make adjustments if we went to a restaurant and the meal came we didn't like it we would send back our steak but in sex we're just accepting everything that it comes in because we're so afraid of talking about it that we silently suffer through really disappointing experiences and not getting our needs met oh so true and I'm not sure if you actually just mentioned but so many assumptions that we bring to the table so like um the Assumption and for me was so when I have alcohol you give me one glass me we've been out it just just get giggly I get giggly I get funny it's like I want to jump my husband's bones I'm like come it you know like I'm very vocal and I thought that guys do the same but when guys drink actually it um inhibits them right from and from having absolutely it can yeah I mean I'm telling you listen there are so many different factors that are contributing to us being sexually healthy but since we compartmentalize our sex life we kind of we just put it over here and we don't talk about we don't investigate all the factors so yes our health our physical health our mental health all of these things are contributing to it so if you're someone who's a big drinker if you're having a cocktail every night or two I mean again we all metabolize alcohol differently but it could 100% have an impact on your erection if you're taking an an depressant or blood pressure medication it can impact your erection your ability to have an orgasm we have to remember that that it's it's it's a bio-individuality we are all so different and you have to look at all of the factors your mindset your physical health your mental health how embodied are you how often do you move your body how well do you communicate about sex those are all the reasons why you're not getting hard but it does not have to do with you so with your partner like if I'm with somebody now I know like there's a million different things going on but it's typically not about me I'll I've got so much to talk about so I want to talk about age as well and the difference in age and things like that so if you don't mind actually before we touch on that do you mind breaking down the Five Pillars yes of course so so here's the Five Pillars so again I was writing this book I'm like here's all the tips we got the oral chapter we got the anal chapter we got the sex positions and then I realized that after all these years people do want the Quick Fix but there are five pillars of becoming sexually intelligent and sexually well that you need to be aware of they are fundamental they're the foundation of your sexual health and they're going to fluctuate throughout your lifetime they're going to change they could change dayt day week to week month to month so the first one is embodiment how in my body am I do I feel my feet on the floor right now do I have my hands on this couch when I'm having sex with someone do I feel what's going on in my body or am I leaving and disassociating the second one is Health our overall physical health and mental health am I move my body am I in shape again blood flow if I am not moving my body not exercising it's going to impact my sex life if I'm on medications I'm not eating well I'm not healthy you're heal the say nutrition I bet massive massive it's a healthy diet it's foods that feel good to you that's all important it's massive if you exercise what you eat and then your mental health have you dealt with any traumas are you in therapy all those things are important what medications are you taking the third one is collaboration how well do you communicate with your partner about your sex life do you talk about it do you have resentments are you withholding on things you might even have something going on in your relationship right now that you haven't talk to your partner about that's going to impact your ability to be sexual so that's collaboration and then there's self-acceptance do I accept myself where I am today do I accept my body do I accept my self my my sexual experience and that's really the confidence one how confident am I how much do I accept my where I'm at today and then the fifth pillar is your self knowledge do I know what turns me on do I know my fantasies my fetishes what temperature I need the room to be what time of day I'm the most aroused and turned on what I need leading up to sex do I need to shower do I need a clean house um do I need Dirty Talk do I need so it's really about taking all your years of sexual history everything that you've done and to date how well do you know yourself and the combination of all five of those pillars are going to help you feel sexually healthy well and I do have a sex IQ quiz it is a very loving quiz it's going to guide you in the direction of where you might want to focus first of how you can start to become more sexually aware healthy and conscious I love that and I love how you break it down and you call it the sex IQ which is so small because then smart pun intended um so you can like really figure out like how smart you are over there and then how you get better because that is so important that there's these different pillars that you really do need to touch and as part of what I wanted to go deep down is the the age right so taking all of your past you even said your knowledge and things like that and then I never it never occurred to me to think about oh when I was 21 this is what I was into obviously I was married at 23 so like my sex drive my husband's sex drive are interaction our Dynamic is very different now that I'm in my 40s been married for 20 years and really talking through a just a difference in age from a psychological and physical standpoint um and then with experience and how you've evolved so let's actually just take up take the the the mindset and the physiology so number one when I first met my husband he was four times a day like rabbit I bloody exhausted I was like does this man want to do anything else for this time and then now 20 years later he's like babe I'm not the 20y old guy immediately the first thing I thought of oh it's me am I getting too old for him and so I just cuz as you know my relationship with him were very open so I was like babe is everything okay you know and his response being very honest he's just like I'm not 20 years old anymore but if you're not if you don't have that communication how many of us project or think through hang on a minute we had this really hot spicy sex for the first few months he couldn't keep his hands off me and now two years later like he's burping and snoring and you know like that thing we make it about us we totally do Lisa and I'm glad you brought this up because we need to normalize the fact that at the beginning of any relationship this is why you're together they call it the honeymoon phase for a reason it feels amazing you've got this delicious Feelgood cocktail of all those hormones that feels so good dopamine serotone and oxytocin and they are firing in all cylinders it's new exciting I've never kissed this person this way I've never touched this person this way like it's just a thrill however it is a drug you literally look at the brain wave patterns of people falling in love and people like in the new stage and people on cocaine and they have the same exact brain waves it is a drug this is what's happening it's the hormones just like anything that great that feels that good what goes up has to come down it you cannot sustain and maintain that level of attraction and arousal you can still be attracting each other but which I say is it looks differently it morphs it changes over time and that's when I usually start seeing people very few people are coming at me in the honeymoon phase because there's no problems this is the best person they smell so good they taste so good they can do no wrong they are by everything we're having sex all the time until they're not and so this is when the communication the collaboration the knowledge all has to come into play because things do change over time we do get set in our ways our hormones change you know our hormones for women we're on a 28 day cycle so not only year to year but month to month there's certain times of month where you know some women find when they right before ovulation they are so horny they want sex all the time but when they have their period less so and then for men also we've got hormones I mean there's a lot of sex that hormon driv but when men get into their 40s for many there's a drop in testosterone and so there's a lot of different factors that are coming into play that we have to pay attention to all of them again that's why the Five Pillars come in handy but also just what you want in your 20s even like foodwise movies wise bookwise like everything changes but since there's not a lot of information around sex so sometimes we just keep having sex the same way we're setting ourselves up against same standards and we're just changing and so that's why I encourage people to look at their sex life as a journey right like it's changing and you're exploring and there's so much that you can learn together like get curious about your sex life download My Yes No Maybe list which is at my website sex with.com it has 80 different sex acts like dirty talk spanking kissing taking a bath together I mean and you can together you can make we just updated it so it's interactive is it a yes is it a no is it maybe because What We crave in long-term relationships We crave the spontaneity the newness the novelty so sometimes trying something new could just be a vibrator a lubricant a new position but that's going to stoke the dopamine and the newness and the excitement so these are the level of conversation that I want people to have babe how many times a week feels good to us when do we want it you know we've decided we don't want it every day and if you want it four times a week and I want it once a week so that means we need to find two and a half times a week to connect on our best days how do we do that and I also want to encourage people to know that it doesn't have to be just intercourse and in fact I encourage you all that maybe it's mutual masturbation maybe it's a massage maybe one day you give your partner massage they give you a massage because sometimes we're not necessarily craving the sex but we're craving connection and intimacy and that's going to change oh dude okay there's so many good things oh my God okay so first of all I want to talk about I didn't had I had no idea that depending on so as we're talking about like the age and depending on you know when you meet them and things like that there's going to be so many different variables and it never dawned on me it never dawned me there was so many different variables so for instance and again I I I did just a Google search um what are the things that women most search for and it broke it down depending on where you're from and how old you are and I was like oh my God there's so much complexity here no one none of us are mind readers so depending on what city or what country you're from and how old you are is going to be different from the search and your interest so let me just throw a few out I found this totally fascinating so for instance in the United States right now women are 102% more likely to view an ebony porn video and um British are 31% more likely to watch rough sex videos British people okay so just by depending on where you're from you're searching for different things um this was fascinating um women in Canada are 36% more likely to be into threesoms than French women are at 103% more into cold videos so in just doing my research on the different country women this is women searching are interested in different things now you want to throw in age I'm just going to throw I just found this fascinating again um the thing that women are looking most for the age between 25 and 35 are tattooed women in interesting I had no idea I'm not quite sure why between the age of 35 and 44 they're looking for double penetration okay and between uh 55 and 64 they're looking for porn called vintage porn which who knew that actually existed probably porn back from when they were younger right the old school porn and 65 age 65 and older they're 143% more likely to look for videos about hand jobs interesting so as I started to go down a rabbit hole as you can see I was like in everything we're talking about when you're meeting someone for the first time compared to now being in a relationship let's say for 15 20 years now depending on when you were born where you were born where you're from what like the age there's so much mystery that the reason why I really wants to talk about this is like now hopefully people are like oh I don't I don't know anything about someone else I can only know about myself right exactly and how fun to get to to learn when you're with somebody new don't make any assumptions about their sex life that you know their history just like when you meet someone and you ask them like what's your passionate what's your favorite trip where do you want to go traveling when you're older what would what did you want to be when you grew up what do you want to do like like get curious about their their sexual interests as well I also have the 69 questions in the book I have these cards that you can and you can find also on my website but mostly in the book is these 69 questions so these 69 questions are basically questions that you ask your partner to get to know them better sexually because I get that we might not know the questions to ask we might be really shut down and that's why I mean a lot of what I do is give people the tools so you can get curious and you can learn more we cannot make assumptions and how great to know like what's your biggest turn on what's the most memorable time you had sex when do you feel the most loved when do you feel the most turned on what's your number one fantasy what's the you know what's your favorite sex position like have fun with this cuz again once we melt away the shame and the worry and the judgment and you're with a partner who's like yes I want to learn yes let's do this let's go you're going to have so much more pleasure and way way less pain so talking about is you can see with all these differences it's just it's it's it's the most important thing you can do when it comes to sex what do you think is the most having done all of your work and your book and I mean you've just been in this industry talking about for sex for so long what do you think is like the hardest thing for people to really do I think it would be to talk about it in a non-shaming non blaming way where they're really really good listeners and they learn to prioritize their sex life and figure out and recognize that that they have different arousal patterns and different arousal Styles so yeah I would have to say it's communication communication is a lubrication I would say it's really hard for people to to talk about sex in a way that's productive and helpful that's what I was going to say how do you like advise him to stay open to it because if that is the number one thing where it's like people just got to communicate and then the belief system that they bring to the table right like when you talk about the shame and the Judgment it really is the belief system who you are and then what it means to say X Y and Z or do X Y and Z especially when you're brought up in a religious household like growing up Greek Orthodox sex wasn't discussed literally my grandmother was the stalk bought the baby exactly did that you that's what my grandmother told me right you don't know you're like okay look look that that that's why would you believe any different so here we have this thing which is sex which is like just completely shrouded and mystery and then we send our kids off into the world it's like giving them the keys to the car without having to taken driver's training that's what sex is sex is people are going out into the world and they're like P piecing together things they were told if they grew up in a religious environment it's shameful and wrong to have sex even Beyond if it's not for procreation so the deck the decks are set again are are stacked against most of us when it comes to sex so being able to unpack everything that you've been told to unlearn everything that's wrong which is a lot of the things and then to relearn to follow sex positive voices to to challenge your own beliefs and saying like what are my limiting beliefs around sex oh I feel like if I ask for what I want in bed that I'm a [ __ ] or I feel like if this partner tries to this thing that means that they're too easy or it means that we have so many judgments around it and so once those start to melt away and we decide that we get to decide who we want to be as a sexual being we're in charge of that message it makes it a lot easier to be in a healthy relationship so you can go forward Because the actual technical sex we can troubleshoot all that like you have pain you want to do certain position your partner wants to try something new they want to try a fantasy they want to try a kink like that stuff's easy it's all the other stuff that we bring around that make sex really really hard and so thank you and I don't think I'm giving anything away because you say it in your book but you went from the person who would fake it to now you said 2 orgasms in a day I was like homie teach a woman how I thought seven was amazing I was like I feel like I'm the queen Seven's great well I was you know I had a lot of time that day I had our friend the magic wand okay we love it we do love the magic one um so no it was like it was through the partner and we were exploring we were having fun and then I just like you because here's the thing about women this is why we're so amazing okay here's difference between men and women ready men have a longer refractory period that is a time that takes them to have an orgasm get hard again and have another one for some men it can be 5 minutes 10 minutes an hour as we get older for some men it's 24 hours for women we are blisses where we're very blessed we can have many many orgasms and it's regenerative it's help it's you know multiple orgasms but we don't realize it we don't realize the source of our of our um I guess of our potential we don't realize our eroticism we don't understand that once we can fan the flames and have one orgasm we can it's all energy right so sex is energy and it's we have to circulate that energy in our body so it's by like breathing into our first orgasm and then maybe if we are using our hand or a penis or a toy we take that away and then we just start to breathe until we start to feel it rise again and then we can bring something back so I think believe that day I was playing with a partner we were experimenting using toys doing a lot of different things and it was it was a long fun evening so but like you call our St girl I'm like I'm like I want to know what you so you woke up okay so actually I'm joking but I'm not really joking so I'm going to assume so you are not stressed no you cleared your day cuz I I'm really like serious let's break this cuz if I want to get to we were on vacation you were on you were on vacation away we were like away and a yeah okay so no distractions no distractions no work okay you had been with him for you were comfortable about a year and a half okay so you were comfortable to be around him okay so you've had sex before felt safe um so you're on vacation which probably means you're getting vitamin D yes I'm getting vitamin D I didn't have the stressors of my home remember we talked about novelty being a huge connecting Force for couples I didn't have to look in the corner and see my laundry or the unpaid bills or it was something new it was new for both of us we had never been in this hotel room before we had never been in this place before it was exciting it was sunny it was warm there was vitamin D there was a sense of connection and excitement and we knew that we were going to try I mean listen you know this one of the great perks of my job is I get a lot of great pleasure products sent to me every single day so we brought a bunch of new not fun things and you spoke about that before yeah so it becomes the foreplay of like o should we okay what should we bring I had laundry I had arousal gels I had sex toys I had games I had all this really fun stuff to play with okay it was like a sex Wonderland literally I think I had a second suitcase I had everything we needed for pleasure okay so you were very prepared very prepared okay yep I was very calm I was prepared I think a lot of times when we set ourselves up for like I'm going to try to have 20 orgasms day like it's not going to happen it was pressure it was more like we've got time we've got luxury I think we worked out that morning we went on a hike we came back we had sex we had breakfast we were just really aroused turned on we went swimming came back we're wet we're you know it kept going throughout the day and so really that's what it was about we're like and I was with an enthusiastic loving partner who my energy fed his energy his energy fed my energy so it was I mean remember that's what sex is the partners that you want to be with you're feeding off of each other's arousal and desire and orgasms and it keeps going and so I think that he was excited that I was excited like again that's what that's what great sex is about so it went throughout the day throughout the evening and we slept I slept really really well you did that's amazing do you have any like do you have any external like sense and things like that or was it so I always do so when I want to have like a really sexy evening I love massage candles so here's the thing about having what I what I consider to be really great connected sex is I like to bring all of the senses into my environment I like this like that when you hear like about a romantic bedroom or a sexy place I love massage candles I love a candle that can burn in this is not a regular candle but it burns into like really luxurious oils so you have like a candle that you blow out and then you can pour that on your partner pour they pour it on you and it's like warm and it turns into massal so I love that so I love having that scent we had a really sexy playlist going we had the waves of the ocean like lapping up on the shore we had you know we had you know just um yes we had music we had touch we had um Fabrics that make me feel good here's the other thing I want to say about senses and arousal is that yes it's good to be sexy for a partner but really this goes back to confidence what makes me feel turn ey what makes me feel sexy so I was wearing some sexy things that I felt really good in like some Lacy strappy more bondy type gear that was what I was into at the time we had some fun kinky things to play with here's the other thing about about collaborating sexually that's not like spanking or using a paddle or tying each other up or using blindfold is just another way to play I think people picture that stuff to be like this 50 you know 50 Shades of Gray or Red Room of pain it really just means that when you take away one sense the other senses become more heightened so there was a lot of things to play with there was a lot of fodder for our pleasure dude that's so cool um how much do you talk about then role play Within it so like as you were saying spanking how much do you actually if if you don't mind actually discussing this because it can be a little sensitive but like for instance if I turned around and it I I did that with you just about the environment their place like all the candles Tom I think what probably dig it if I turned around and spanked him though he'd be so [ __ ] surprised he' like what the [ __ ] are you doing so how much do you actually talk about role play because Tom and I when we talk about masculine and feminine we very much talk about that and again just being very honest with our communication he's always been very honest with it he likes the masculine role and I'm always very honest I like him to play the masculine I don't like the dominatrix part again zero judgment [ __ ] goam if you like it but discussing that how much do you think it's important to discuss ahead of time how much can people EB and flow between roles some people EB and flow it's such a great question because I think the masculine and The Feminine is are really important conversation of the sexual polarity yeah can you explain that cuz I was actually I love yeah so so polarity is a really interesting concept and I think that it's a newer concept for many people and they get caught up in the gender so I'm not talking about gender at all here I'm not talking about like you could have two men two women to create polarity to create opposition position you need a positive force and negative Force they give two magnets if you have two positive magnets they're going to detract so you need the positive and the negative Force so then you need the masculine and The Feminine and we all have it inside of us you and I both we run businesses we're badass I run I in my masculine I'd say more than I'm in my feminine throughout the day I'm in phone calls I'm doing [ __ ] I'm doing shows I'm making deals I'm talking I'm like getting [ __ ] done that getting [ __ ] done mentality is the masculine we again we all have it in us and the masculine is more directive it's purposeful it has a mission it has it's more of the structure and The Feminine is more nurturing creative there's more flow there's more energy it's more ethereal that is the feminine so I have that too in my in my daily life but I would say I am more into the masculine when I go into the bedroom I am in my feminine I feel more I am more submissive I want my partner to be more dominant again some people are switches some people do both sometimes they you know and don't get me wrong like sometimes with my partner I'll want to give him a massage I'll want to lead I want to do about his pleasure then he'll turn to me and make it about my pleasure that's different than saying like I want him to take the lead and just remember this couples who find that they have don't have the chemistry anymore they can't get it going it's because they're either both in their masculine or they're both in their feminine no one's making a move no one's initiating this train isn't going anywhere that's platonic that's a platonic relationship okay there is no chemistry there you have to have somebody lead and follow if nobody initiates there's zero sex happening okay if you're both passive nothing's going to happen so it's understanding that polarity and how that manifests and how that looks in relationships is very very different but to go back to the spanking for example I just talk to my partner about it I'm like I like when you're playful I like when you you know tug my hair you give me a spanking you know we we did the Yes No Maybe like we literally did that when we first started dating and it was like what your yes what your no what your maybe and we went through a whole bunch of sex acts and how fun to find out like you like spanking I like spanking and I think it was very clear that I am more the submissive and he is more the dominant and so it was clear that I would like to be spanked or I would like to be tied up you know and if he asked me for that I would be down to do that but you know it hasn't come up yet and that's fine he knows like his role and for him it feels really good to be in charge and that helps him fuel his masculine so it's just a concept of polarity and so getting into that now here's the other thing that I think is really important people understand as a woman and who likes to be submissive I need to consciously get myself into the feminine in order to receive in the bedroom otherwise like I'm bringing up work in the bedroom and what I want to do like that is not hot that's not going to spark the Flames of our desire so when I know that I want to be my feminine for me it's slowing things down it's taking a bath it's breath work when I breathe deeply into my pelvic like if I just stop for a few minutes and I breathe or I take a bath or I know that all day like I need to disconnect between work and like love and romance and attraction so I'll take a bath I put some of my best smelling oil in my body I'm touching my body I'm connected to my body again and then I breathe maybe it's just 10 deep breaths but when you breathe you want to connect to your power source which is your pelvic floor where all the sexual energy and arousal no matter what's your body part you can relate to the fact that when you're feeling turned on you're feeling it in your genitals you're feeling it right here so this goes for men and for women as well because I also don't want to make the assumption that every man is just ready to go that's a disservice to men like you should always be hard and turn on and ready to go but as a woman what I do is I will breathe deeply like a long breath and then I'll do a little kegle okay a keggle is those pepping muscles that stop and start the flow of urine we all and men can do them too so when you do that it's almost like you're pumping your sex your sexual organs you're pumping them and you're waking them up so I'll breathe maybe I'll take five deep breaths in and then I'll do a kegle and then I release on the way out I'm not doing them right now yeah and do a kegle well when you do that you're like hello I'm here I'm connecting I'm Awakening because throughout the day like let me tell you this Lisa we talk about some the top questions I get asked is how do I get turned on for sex why aren't I in the mood anymore well a lot of us walk around and all day long we are disconnected from our bodies maybe we're not even liking our bodies we're actually just we we're hating our bodies I hear this from women a lot more than men too that we just are having like not body love at all like body hate I can't believe I gained weight I didn't work out why did I eat this why did I do that I don't like the shape of my butt I don't like the shape of my hand whatever it is and then we think that we should get into the bedroom and feel turned on and ready to go if you are abusing yourself throughout the day verbally it is not going to happen that way so we have to do practices to and I've got a lot of that in the book too and this is one of the pillars is learning to feel more safe secure and confident in our body and I'm not even talking about body love because that could be a big stretch for some people it could just be being neutral it could be body neutrality today I'm not going to hate my body today I'm going to be neutral I'm going to find a few things that I love about my body you know I love that my legs can walk me up the stairs I love that my legs can get you know get me you know across town or that my hands can you know draw cuz I love to draw like we all have things that we can find that we love about our body and as cheesy as that might sound you like oh yeah you want me to like yeah it actually works like I'm telling you this stuff works we have to find what we love and what's working for us because otherwise it is just we're we're going to be robbing ourselves of pleasure which is such a Cornerstone of our our joy yeah you were the one that actually introduced me to the neutrality thing because before I didn't even realize how much I was just insulting myself so it wasn't even like talk nicely to yourself it's like no just identify when you're talking badly about yourself and I think you were like saying just no just walk past the mirror and see how often you you give yourself a negative comment I was like oh my God all the time it was like this automatic response and I didn't even realized I was doing it until you pointed it out so my first step was just stop being mean to yourself right and then I was like okay that's a good step in the right direction and going back to what you were saying about like especially us women now who are working more building on own businesses becoming freaking badasses wanting to be our own bosses there is that um complex juxtoposition between being a badass being super strong being in your masculine when you're at work and then going home and then being in your feminine and being able to be honest with that because I think a lot of people think oh well if you're like this then you're always going to be like this so actually I'd love to ask you when you're in your masculine you met somebody new do you talk about wanting to be in your feminine because I'm going to make an assumption some people may project and see you as a badass and go oh well she wants to be dominant in the bedroom too so as women now who may be listening who are freaking badass is how do they communicate with their partner that actually they want to be in the feminine and then I loved how you just broke down how you go into your femin yeah I think that these women have to cultivate their feminine I think I'm hearing this from a lot of women too they're like like they go on dates they can't find a guy guys are on ATT trct or they like they're not making the move or whatever they're not feeling sexual or attracted to anyone if you know that you are woman who in the bedroom you want to go into your feminine and you want to be more submissive you have to bring that submissive person to your date to the per you have to they have to show up and I know it doesn't feel safe if we've been told that we got to kick ass and we got to be productive we got to check things up our this we really are living in a man's world it is it is a it is a masculine world everything is set up that way we have to achieve we have to go we have to check things off the list and so when we're going out with somebody or when we're like learning someone new we have to learn to cultivate in the best way I can do that and again you might I might lose you all with this it might sound very very woo to people but I'm telling you it is energy and so when I found that I am not like like that I really take a few minutes and I breathe and I even start to do things where I I start to like move my pelvic floor like this is the circulation you start to move like you could be in a bar you could be at a dinner you could be somewhere something and when you start to connect your breath and your body to your pelvic floor even though it's just like moving in a counter Circle motion then moving it back the other way okay you are starting to and there's been studies and there have been exercises that show that that energy is going to be emanated and your partner or somebody that masculine is going to be able to pick up on that energy and respond to that and feel that and that's how you start to cultivate and you can do this on your own I did some pole dancing too shout out to my girl Sheila Kelly she's been doing it for almost 20 years she something called scurve and this pole dancing is not about like looking sexy for anybody else it's about moving to the the natural esur of your body and learning to move in a way that is that is supportive of the feminine of your pelvic floor of your ass of your breasts and just learning to and like letting go of tension like learning to dance like dancing is a very feminine is a very feminine place to be so even if you just dance around your room naked you know you don't have to go take a class like that but for me learning that I haven't danced in a while I haven't let go I haven't listened to music that is the feminine that is the creativity so before you go on a date it does mean weak feminine is not weak feminine is is is your is your Birthright feminine is who you are like I think that when we show up in our masculine it's really hard for those masculine men to see how you need them and you might just need them to hold space for you to make you feel like a woman when then that's going to help F your sexual desire and energy but the physical the exercises around that is breathing it's dance it's Creative Energy it's writing it's connecting with other women it's it's being in nature it's all of those things that you hear about but those are the things that are attached to the feminine and this is like the beginning of time I'm not making up any of this stuff this is the stuff that's going to fuel you if you haven't had your feet on the ground if you haven't walked barefoot in nature there's a lot of that go outside every morning and walk on the earth feel more grounded with the Earth these are the ways that you're going to feel more in touch with your feminine and so I think that your partner will will sense it I mean I think that with my partner too and we'll say to each other we haven't had txt in a while like what's going on like how can we make this happen and I know like we need to like switch things up or get out of the house or I'm like well let me just go for work out let me work out let me get outside let me walk around the block you know let me do these things so I can come back and be be present and then the masculine and The Feminine it's like ying yang they they read all our energy so it's their energy so the ma it's so hard to so it's can be hard to explain but like the masculine will feed off the feminine so if I'm bringing the energy the masculine takes that energy and they they start to feel that in their body and a you know circular exchange if you want to learn the number one way to build desire attraction and have amazing orgasms every time keep watching Here I Am the sexologist and my partner would just roll over and not be interested and then I'd roll over the other side and cry one of my main questions I ask myself is what is erotically possible I started noticing these patterns show up