chapter 29 her funeral is to be on friday we need a few days to try to find big inez her mom surprisingly carl is the one who ends up locating her out in california not sure how he knew he where to find her not sure i want to know we meet the hearse outside of saint francis xavier's main door the men carry nessie's coffee into the church it's so little and we stay with her all morning and all afternoon auntie ober says that's tradition up here a family stays with the deceased relative never leaving them alone sometimes they stay with the body all night if the funeral is the next day even in death indian people keep watch over those they love never wanting them to be alone she died from a severe head injury to the back of her skull but looking down at her it just looks like her eyes are closed nazi's mom decides to have an open casket to me it seems that she doesn't have the right to make any choices in the funeral but no one asked me i can't go up to see my little girl at first during the viewing but judy takes my hand and we walk up and kneel before nazi sometimes you just need someone to help you find your courage she looks so peaceful just like she was asleep angel that she is i have to touch her one last time to make sure that she really existed there are a lot of people touching her gently so i know it's okay to do i brush a curl away from her face and tuck it behind her ear and as i did that i glanced down to her feet she has on her beautiful colorful beaded moccasins with the floral design it's the same ojibwe floral design that's everywhere up here in the turtle mountains it makes sense to me to bury a loved one in their moccasins i guess it symbolizes their journey to the next life but what do i wear back here to walk my path in life without my best friend there is a steady drizzle with fog surrounding the little church how fitting the earth seems in haze without her too cars fill the church's parking lot with over full room on the road in front of the building the whole town turns out but it doesn't matter how many people come there's only one person missing here i miss my friend my cousin dad judy and bear stood next to me in the second row during the funeral mass bigones sits on the first pew i can't figure out how she could have left nezzie the child whose heart was so big later on reminds me that some people can't see the gold before their eyes because they have addictions that we just don't understand the priest gives a good funeral mass as one could give for a child who died too young gathering our things after father gives us the final blessing we are getting ready to leave and then i hear it the silence and the sobbing are interrupted the first cord breaks through it takes a few seconds for all of us to understand what's happening gentle talk gentle child quiet sight morning light so pure and bright gentle child lovely one you gave us laughter gave us love walking up the aisle with guitar in hand serenading little nezzy is jeff he looks only at her and sings a version of the gospel hymn in a solid wave of sadness it's an incredible voice and now i know why my little girl tried to coax it out of him this voice this gift of his is too important to keep to himself and that little girl knew it he changed a church song to make it fit and ezzy perfectly his gaze is intent and he continues at the aisle until almost arriving at the casket but he stops next to me and nods our eyes all holding each other's gaze for what seems like eons i know what he means i can read his eyes and understand he means i thought i never had time to sing to her before but now i'll drop my entire life to serenade her big eye to her on her path to the next life jeff sings a song for every year of nezzy for every year that nezzie was alive and then goes and sits next to mushroom there isn't a dry eye in the place once again little nuzzy brings down the house after the funeral we walk up the hill to the cemetery it's to an open grave we had but this time instead of me going in it's someone else but you might as well bury my heart in there too funny though i'm not afraid of going to a cemetery now no i realize that our loved ones below ground are mingling with the earth and as we lightly walk over their grave our steps echo their heartbeat which remains with us connecting us always the priest has a few bible passages and then we're left there little nessie's coffin is so tiny just pine planks that it holds a princess we watch as they lower her into the grave but one by one the relatives walk past and grab some dirt that's piled off to the side and throw it in a few bring little pink turtle mountain wild roses and others bring wild sage to throw in but even these sweet scents cannot cover the order of grief walking past your graves some say goodbye some say god bless you some say take a whap i'm in grandma translates as i will see you again in the ojibwe language i don't understand that she explains that in ojibwa there is no word equal for goodbye and that's important to me because i will see her again just not in this life it's my turn so i grab a handful of dirt and sprinkle it over her i'll see you again my girl and i start to walk back down the hill along with the rest of the people but i noticed that grandpa jeff and junior stay back i looked to grandma to see what to do and she's not into the grave i know i'm supposed to stay it's amazing how much you can learn by just watching even through silence communication continues is there something more we need to say i whisper to junior as we're left alone his lips point at the pile of dirt piled behind at the open grave what now his eyes point to shovels leaning against the dirt mound what do you mean the men grab shovels and begin the unthinkable they start to move the dirt from the pile back down over little nuzzy what what are you doing you mean we bury her looking around i add but doesn't the cemetery crew do that grandpa shakes his head junior holds out a shuffle for me jeff continues to shovel my girl lucian speaks softly when you were a girl who tucked you into bed at night okay he's way off topic who tucked me into bed well i guess i would have been my dad or judy after they married sometimes a babysitter what does that have to do with me shoveling dirt over nazi my voice breaks as i say her name so relatives family members put you to bed at night grab ass just above a whisper i nod with one eye on junior he slowly moves the dirt bit by bit into the tomb who better apple than family to tuck our child into her eternal slumber my body somehow moves the shovel to help it's like a dream this can't be real a few feet away from where nessie lies it's my mother's grave watch over her mom in the next life in the heaven will ya i grab the remaining shovel and begin to tuck nezzy in with the soil of the turtle mountains my tears covering nezzy and my sorrow blanketing her two