Lecture on Narcissistic Rage, Shame, and Devaluation-Discard Cycle

Introduction

• Discusses the dynamics of narcissism and its impacts on individuals.
• Focus on narcissistic rage, shame, victim-bully dynamic, devaluation, and discarding.

Narcissistic Rage and Shame Spiral

• Narcissistic Rage

  • Triggered when a narcissist's reality is questioned.
  • Can manifest as grandiose or vulnerable.
  • Hines Kohut on narcissistic rage: Need for revenge and retaliation.
  • Narcissists often gaslight others while fiercely defending their own reality.

• False Self and Reality Construction

  • Narcissists construct a grandiose self to protect their broken self-esteem.
  • Rage and defensiveness serve to maintain this facade.

• Shame-Rage Cycle

  • Described by theorists, e.g., Lewis.
  • Sequence: Shame -> Rage (vindictiveness and retaliation).
  • Shame is a public emotion tied to fears of rejection.
  • Unprocessed shame leads to negative emotions (depression, anxiety, hostility).
  • Triggers include vulnerability exposure, rejection, failures, etc.
  • Narcissists deflect internal shame through external rage.

Responses to Shame

• Rage can be overt or passive-aggressive.
• Passive-aggressive responses include brooding, planning retaliation.
• Chronic rage leads to a worsening cycle of shame and rage.
• Difficulty in maintaining healthy relationships due to unpredictability.
• Social settings and trivial incidents can trigger this cycle.
• Living with narcissists involves walking on eggshells to avoid triggering their shame.

Therapy and Coping with Narcissists

• Therapists work on addressing shame with narcissists.
• People in relationships with narcissists should not feel responsible for fixing them.
• Compassion vs. self-preservation: Maintaining balance is crucial.
• Long-term, consistent therapy is essential but challenging.
• Example: Social media as a shame-rage battleground.

Flying Monkeys

• Definition: Supporters/enablers of the narcissist, often family or friends.
• Types: Enablers vs. those unaware of narcissistic patterns.
• Characteristics: Mobilized to support the narcissist’s narrative.
• Adaptation Strategies:
  • Hold on to personal reality.
  • Avoid trying to convert flying monkeys.
  • Set boundaries if they return.
  • Differentiate between types of flying monkeys (e.g., enablers, naive supporters).
  • Establish new, supportive connections.

Victim-Bully Dynamic

• Scenario: Narcissist oscillates between rage and playing the victim.
• Mechanism: Shift from intimidating to seeking sympathy.
• Manipulates compassionate individuals trapped in this cycle.
• Examples: Insensitive actions framed as jokes; quick shift to victimhood.
• Response: Stay aware of manipulation, avoid enabling victim-bully behavior.

Devaluation and Discarding Cycle

• Cycle Phases:
  • Idealization: Initial love bombing.
  • Devaluation: Gradual increase in criticisms, contempt.
  • Discarding: Abrupt or subtle abandonment.
• Mechanisms: Stemming from narcissist's self-loathing, need for novelty.
• Response:
  • Avoid asking “why”, it leads to more gaslighting.
  • Recognize the cycle and break away with self-compassion.
  • Seek therapy to navigate and end these cycles.

Concluding Thoughts

• Understanding these narcissistic behaviors can help in not personalizing their actions.
• Encourages self-compassion and boundary setting.
• The narcissist must seek out help themselves.

Guidance

• Seek therapy for personal support.
• Recognize and protect oneself from narcissistic abuse.