Transcript for:
Exploration of Love and Abuse in Literature

for my father who tried his very best not to be his worst and for my mother who made sure we never saw him at his worst part one chapter one as i sit here with one foot on either side of the ledge looking down from 12 stories above the streets of boston i can't help but think about suicide not my own i like my life enough to want to see it through i'm more focused on other people and how they ultimately come to the decision to just end their own lives do they ever regret it in the moment after letting go and the second before they make impact there has to be a little bit of remorse in that brief free fall do they look at the ground as it rushes toward them and think well crap this was a bad idea somehow i think not i think about death lot particularly today considering i just 12 hours earlier gave one of the most epic eulogies the people of plethora maine have ever witnessed okay maybe it wasn't the most epic it very well could be considered the most disastrous i guess that would depend on whether you were asking my mother or me my mother who probably won't speak to me for a solid year after today don't get me wrong the eulogy i delivered wasn't profound enough to make history like the one brook shields delivered at michael jackson's funeral or the one delivered by steve jobs sister or pat tillman's brother but it was epic in its own way i was nervous at first it was the funeral of the prodigious andrew bloom after all adored mayor of my hometown of plethora maine owner of the most successful real estate agency within city limits husband of the highly adored jenny blue the most revered teaching assistant in all of plethora and father of lily bloom that strange girl with the erratic red hair who once fell in love with a homeless guy and brought great shame upon her entire family that would be me i'm lilly bloom and andrew was my father as soon as i finished delivering his eulogy today i caught a flight straight back to boston and hijacked the first roof i could find again not because i'm suicidal i have no plans to scale off this roof i just really needed fresh air and silence and damn it if i can't get that from my third floor apartment with absolutely no rooftop access and a roommate who likes to hear herself sing i didn't account for how cold it would be up here though it's not unbearable but it's not comfortable either at least i can see the stars dead fathers and exasperating roommates and questionable eulogies don't feel so awful when the night sky is clear enough to literally feel the grandeur of the universe i love it when the sky makes me feel insignificant i like tonight well let me rephrase this so that it more appropriately reflects my feelings in past tense i like tonight but unfortunately for me the door was just shoved open so hard i expect the stairwell to spit a human out onto the rooftop the door slams shut again and footsteps move swiftly across the deck i don't even bother looking up however it is more than likely won't even notice me back here straddling the ledge to the left of the door they came out here in such a hurry it isn't my fault if they assume they're alone i sigh quietly close my eyes and lean my head against the stucco wall behind me cursing the universe for ripping this peaceful introspective moment out from under me the least the universe could do for me today is ensure that it's a woman and not a man if i'm going to have company i'd rather it be a female i'm tough for my size and can probably hold my own in most cases but i'm too comfortable right now to be on a rooftop alone with a strange man in the middle of the night i might fear for my safety and feel the need to leave and i really don't want to leave as i said before i'm comfortable i finally allow my eyes to make the journey to the silhouette leaning over the ledge as luck would have it he's definitely male even leaning over the rail i can tell his tool broad shoulders create a strong contrast to the fragile way he's holding his head in his hands i can barely make out the heavy rise and fall of his back as he drags in deep breaths and forces them back out when he's done with them he appears to be on the verge of a breakdown i contemplate speaking up to let him know he has company or clearing my throat but between thinking it and actually doing it he spins around and kicks one of the patio chairs behind him i flinch as it screeches across the deck but being as though he isn't even aware he has an audience the guy doesn't stop with just one kick he kicks the chair repeatedly over and over rather than give way beneath the blunt force of his foot all the chair does is scoot farther and farther away from him that chair must be made from marine grade polymer i once watched my father back over an outdoor patio table made of marine grade polymer and it practically laughed at him dented his bumper but didn't even put a scratch on the table this guy must realize he's no match for such a high quality material because he finally stops kicking the chair he's now standing over it his hands clenched in fists at his sides to be honest i'm a little envious here this guy is taking his aggression out on patio furniture like a champ he's obviously had a shitty day as have i but whereas i keep my aggression pent up until it manifests in the form of passive aggressiveness this guy actually has an outlet my outlet used to be gardening anytime i was stressed i'd just go out to the backyard and pull every single weed i could find but since the day i moved to boston two years ago i haven't had a backyard or a patio i don't even have weeds maybe i need to invest in a marine grade polymer patio chair i stare at the guy a moment longer wondering if he's ever going to move he's just standing there staring down at the chair his hands aren't in fists anymore they're resting on his hips and i notice for the first time how his shirt doesn't fit him very well around his biceps it fits him everywhere else but his arms are huge he begins fishing around in his pockets until he finds what he's looking for and in what i'm sure is probably an effort to release even more of his aggression he lights up a joint i'm 23 i've been through college and have done this very same recreational drug time or two i'm not going to judge this guy for feeling the need to toke up in private but that's the thing he's not in private he just doesn't know that yet he takes in a long drag of his joint and starts to turn back toward the ledge he notices me on the exhale he stops walking the second our eyes meet his expression holds no shock nor does it hold amusement when he sees me he's about ten feet away but there's enough light from the stars that i can see his eyes as they slowly drag over my body without revealing a single thought this guy holds his cards well his gaze is narrow and his mouth is drawn tight like a male version of the mona lisa what's your name he asks i feel his voice in my stomach that's not good voices should stop at the ears but sometimes not very often at all actually a voice will penetrate past my ears and reverberate straight down through my body he has one of those voices deep confident and a little bit like butter when i don't answer him he brings the joint back to his mouth and takes another hit lily i finally say i hate my voice it sounds too weak to even reach his ears from here much less reverberate inside his body he lifts his chin a little and nudges his head toward me will you please get down from there lily it isn't until he says this that i notice his posture he's standing straight up now rigid even almost as if he's nervous i'm going to fall i'm not this ledge is at least a foot wide and i'm mostly on the roof side i could easily catch myself before i fell not to mention i've got the wind in my favor i glanced down at my legs and then back up at him no thanks i'm quite comfortable where i am he turns a little like he can't look straight at me please get down it's more of a demand now despite his use of the word please there are seven empty chairs up here almost six i correct reminding him that he just tried to murder one of them he doesn't find the humor in my response when i fail to follow his orders he takes a couple of steps closer you are a mere three inches from falling to your death i've been around enough of that for one day he motions for me to get down again you're making me nervous not to mention ruining my high i roll my eyes and swing my legs over heaven forbid a joint go to waste i hop down and wipe my hands across my jeans better i say as i walk toward him he lets out a rush of air as if seeing me on the ledge actually had him holding his breath i pass him to head for the side of the roof with the better view and as i do i can't help but notice how unfortunately cute he is no cute is an insult this guy is beautiful well manicured smells like money looks to be several years older than me his eyes crinkle in the corners as they follow me and his lips seem to frown even when they aren't when i reach the side of the building that overlooks the street i lean forward and stare down at the cars below trying not to appear impressed by him i can tell by his haircut alone that he's the kind of man people are easily impressed by and i refuse to feed into his ego not that he's done anything to make me think he even has won but he's wearing a casual burberry shirt and i'm not sure i've ever been on the radar of someone who could casually afford one i hear footsteps approaching from behind and then he leans against the railing next to me out of the corner of my eye i watch as he takes another hit of his joint when he's finished he offers it to me but i wave it off the last thing i need is to be under the influence around this guy his voice is a drug in itself i kind of want to hear it again so i throw a question in his direction so what did that chair do to make you so angry he looks at me like really looks at me his eyes meet mine and he just stares hard like all my secrets are right there on my face i've never seen eyes as dark as his maybe i have but they seem darker when they're attached to such an intimidating presence he doesn't answer my question but my curiosity isn't easily put to rest if he's going to force me down from a very peaceful comfortable ledge then i expect him to entertain me with answers to my nosy questions was it a woman i inquire did she break your heart he laughs a little with that question if only my issues were as trivial as matters of the heart he leans into the wall so that he can face me what floor do you live on he licks his fingers and pinches the end of his joint then puts it back in his pocket i've never noticed you before that's because i don't live here i point in the direction of my apartment see that insurance building he squints as he looks in the direction i'm pointing yeah i live in the building next to it it's too short to see from here it's only three stories tall he's facing me again resting his elbow on the ledge if you live over there why are you here your boyfriend live here or something his comment somehow makes me feel cheap it was too easy an amateurish pickup line from the looks of this guy i know he has better skills than that it makes me think he saves the more difficult pickup lines for the women he deems worthy you have a nice roof i tell him he lifts an eyebrow waiting for more of an explanation i wanted fresh air somewhere to think i pulled up google earth and found the closest apartment complex with a decent rooftop patio he regards me with a smile at least you're economical he says that's a good quality to have at least i nod because i am economical and it is a good quality to have why did you need fresh air he asks because i buried my father today and gave an epically disastrous eulogy and now i feel like i can't breathe i face forward again and slowly exhale can we just not talk for a little while he seems a bit relieved that i asked for silence he leans over the ledge and lets an arm dangle as he stares down at the street he stays like this for a while and i stare at him the entire time he probably knows i'm staring but he doesn't seem to care a guy fell off this roof last month he says i would be annoyed at his lack of respect for my request for silence but i'm kind of intrigued was it an accident he shrugs no one knows it happened late in the evening his wife said she was cooking dinner and he told her he was coming up here to take some pictures of the sunset he was a photographer they think he was leaning over the ledge to get a shot of the skyline and he slipped i look over the ledge wondering how someone could possibly put themselves in a situation where they could fall by accident but then i remember i was just straddling the ledge on the other side of the roof a few minutes ago when my sister told me what happened the only thing i could think about was whether or not he got the shot i was hoping his camera didn't fall with him because that would have been a real waste you know today because of your love of photography but you didn't even get the final shot that cost you your life his thought makes me laugh although i'm not sure i should have laughed at that do you always say exactly what's on your mind he shrugs not to most people this makes me smile i like that he doesn't even know me but for whatever reason i'm not considered most people to him he rests his back against the ledge and folds his arms over his chest were you born here i shake my head no moved here from maine after i graduated college he scrunches up his nose and it's kind of hot watching this guy dressed in his burberry shirt with his 200 haircut making silly faces so you're in boston purgatory huh that's gotta suck what do you mean i ask him the corner of his mouth curls up the tourists treat you like a local the locals treat you like a tourist i laugh wow that's a very accurate description i've been here two months i'm not even in purgatory yet so you're doing better than i am what brought you to boston my residency and my sister lives here he taps his foot and says right beneath us actually married a tech savvy bostonian and they bought the entire top floor i look down the entire top floor he nods lucky bastard works from home doesn't even have to change out of his pajamas and make seven figures a year lucky bastard indeed what kind of residency are you a doctor he nods neurosurgeon less than a year left of my residency and then it's official stylish well spoken and smart and smokespot if this weren't sat question i would ask which one didn't belong should doctors be smoking weed he smacks probably not but if we didn't indulge on occasion there would be a lot more of us taking the leap over these ledges i can promise you that he's facing forward again with his chin resting on his arms his eyes are closed now like he's enjoying the wind against his face he doesn't look as intimidating like this you want to know something that only the locals know of course he says bringing his attention back to me i point to the east see that building the one with the green roof he nods there's a building behind it on melcher there's a house on top of the building like a legit house built right on the rooftop you can't see it from the street and the building is so tall that not many people even know about it he looks impressed really i'm not i saw it when i was searching google earth so i looked it up apparently a permit was granted for the construction in 1982. how cool would that be to live in a house on top of a building you'd get the whole roof to yourself he says i hadn't thought of that if i owned it i could plant gardens up there i'd have an outlet who lives there he asks no one really knows it's one of the great mysteries of boston he laughs and then looks at me inquisitively what's another great mystery of boston your name as soon as i say it i slap my hand against my forehead it sounded so much like a cheesy pickup line the only thing i can do is laugh at myself he smiles it's ryle he says while kinkade i sigh sinking into myself that's a really great name why do you sound sad about it because i'd give anything for a great name you don't like the name lily i tilt my head and an eyebrow my last name is bloom he's quiet i can feel him trying to hold back his pity i know it's awful it's the name of a two-year-old little girl not a 23 year old woman a two-year-old girl will have the same name no matter how old she gets names aren't something we eventually grow out of lily bloom unfortunately for me i say but what makes it even worse is that i absolutely love gardening i love flowers plants growing things it's my passion it's always been my dream to open a florist shop but i'm afraid if i did people wouldn't think my desire was authentic they would think i was trying to capitalize off my name and that being a florist isn't really my dream job maybe so he says but what's that matter it doesn't i suppose i catch myself whispering lily blooms quietly i can see him smiling a little bit it really is a great name for a florist but i have a master's degree in business i'd be downgrading don't you think i work for the biggest marketing firm in boston owning your own business isn't downgrading he says i raise an eyebrow unless it flops he nods in agreement unless it flops he says so what's your middle name lily bloom i groan which makes him perk up you mean it gets worse i drop my head in my hands and nod rose i shake my head worse violet i wish i cringe and then mutter blossom there's a moment of silence goddamn he says softly yeah blossom is my mother's maiden name and my parents thought it was fate that their last names were synonyms so of course when they had me a flower was their first choice your parents must be real one of them is was my father died this week he glances at me nice try i'm not falling for that i'm serious that's why i came up here tonight i think i just needed a good cry he stares at me suspiciously for a moment to make sure i'm not pulling his leg he doesn't apologize for the blunder instead his eyes grow a little more curious like his intrigue is actually authentic where you close that's a hard question i rest my chin on my arms and look down at the street again i don't know i say with a shrug as his daughter i loved him but as a human i hated him i can feel him watching me for a moment and then he says i like that your honesty he likes my honesty i think i might be blushing we're both quiet again for a while and then he says do you ever wish people were more transparent how so he picks at a piece of chipped stucco with his thumb until it breaks loose he flicks it over the ledge i feel like everyone fakes who they really are when deep down we're all equal amounts of screwed up some of us are just better at hiding it than others either his high is setting in or he's just very introspective either way i'm okay with it my favorite conversations are the ones with no real answers i don't think being a little guarded is a negative thing i say naked truths aren't always pretty he stares at me for a moment naked truths he repeats i like that he turns around and walks to the middle of the rooftop he adjusts the back on one of the patio lounges behind me and lowers himself onto it it's the kind you lie on so he pulls his hands behind his head and looks up at the sky i claim the one next to him and adjust it until i'm in the same position as him tell me a naked truth lily pertaining to what he shrugs i don't know something you aren't proud of something that will make me feel a little less screwed up on the inside he's staring up at the sky waiting on me to answer my eyes follow the line of his jaw the curve of his cheeks the outline of his lips his eyebrows are drawn together in contemplation i don't understand why but he seems to need conversation right now i think about his question and try to find an honest answer when i come up with one i look away from him and back up to the sky my father was abusive not to me to my mother he would get so angry when they thought that sometimes he would hit her when that happened he would spend the next week or two making up for it he would do things like buy her flowers or take us out to a nice dinner sometimes he would buy me stuff because he knew i hated it when they fought when i was a kid i found myself looking forward to the nights they would fight because i knew if he hit her the two weeks that followed would be great i pause i'm not sure i've ever admitted that to myself of course if i could i would have made it to where he never touched her but the abuse was inevitable with their marriage and it became our norm when i got older i realized that not doing something about it made me just as guilty i spent most of my life hating him for being such a bad person but i'm not so sure i'm much better maybe we're both bad people while looks over at me with a thoughtful expression lily he says pointedly there is no such thing as bad people we're all just people who sometimes do bad i open my mouth to respond but his words strike me silent we're all just people who sometimes do bad things i guess that's true in a way no one is exclusively bad nor is anyone exclusively good some are just forced to work harder at suppressing the bad your turn i tell him based on his reaction i think he might not want to play his own game he sighs heavily and runs a hand through his hair he opens his mouth to speak but then clamps it shut again he thinks for a bit and then finally speaks i watched a little boy die tonight his voice is despondent he was only five years old he and his little brother found a gun in his parents bedroom the younger brother was holding it and it went off by accident my stomach flips i think this may be a little too much truth for me there was nothing that could be done by the time he made it to the operating table everyone around nurses other doctors they all felt so sorry for the family those poor parents they said but when i had to walk into the waiting room and tell those parents that their child didn't make it i didn't feel an ounce of sorrow for them i wanted them to suffer i wanted them to feel the weight of their ignorance for keeping a loaded gun within access of two innocent children i wanted them to know that not only did they just lose a child they just ruined the entire life of the one who accidentally pulled the trigger jesus christ i wasn't prepared for something so heavy i can't even conceive how a family moves past that that poor boy's brother i say i can't imagine what that's going to do to him seeing something like that while flick something off the knee of his jeans it'll destroy him for life that's what it'll do i turn on my side to face him lifting my head up onto my hand is it hard seeing things like that every day he gives his head a slight shake it should be a lot harder but the more i'm around death the more it just becomes a part of life i'm not sure how i feel about that he makes eye contact with me again give me another one he says i feel like mine was a little more twisted than yours i disagree but i tell him about the twisted thing i did a mere 12 hours ago my mother asked me two days ago if i would deliver the eulogy at my father's funeral today i told how i didn't feel comfortable that i might be crying too hard to speak in front of a crowd but that was a lie i just didn't want to do it because i feel like eulogies should be delivered by those who respected the deceased and i didn't much respect my father did you do it i not yeah this morning i sit up and pull my legs beneath me as i face him you want to hear it he smiles absolutely i fold my hands in my lap and inhale a breath i had no idea what to say about an hour before the funeral i told my mother i didn't want to do it she said it was simple and that my father would have wanted me to do it she said all i had to do was walk up to the podium and say five great things about my father so that's exactly what i did while lifts up onto his elbow appearing even more interested he can tell by the look on my face that it gets worse oh no lily what did you do here let me just reenact it for you i stand up and walk around to the other side of my chair i stand tall and act like i'm looking out over the same crowded room i was met with this morning i clear my throat hello my name is lily bloom daughter of the late andrew bloom thank you all for joining us today as we mourn his loss i wanted to take a moment to honor his life by sharing with you five great things about my father the first thing i look down at while and shrug that's it he sits up what do you mean i take a seat on my lounge chair and lie back down i stood up there for two solid minutes without saying another word there wasn't one great thing i could say about that man so i just stared silently at the crowd until my mother realized what i was doing and had my uncle remove me from the podium while tilts his head are you kidding me you gave the anti-eulogy at your own father's funeral i not i'm not proud of it i don't think i mean if i had my way he would have been a much better person and i would have stood up there and talked for an hour while lies back down wow he says shaking his head you're kind of my hero you just roasted a dead guy that's tacky yeah well naked truth hurts i laugh your turn i can't top that he says i'm sure you can come close i'm not sure i can i roll my eyes yes you can don't make me feel like the worst person out of the two of us tell me the most recent thought you've had that most people wouldn't say out loud he pulls his hands up behind his head and looks me straight in the eye i want to you my mouth falls open then i clamp it shut again i think i might be speechless he shoots me a look of innocence you asked for the most recent thought so i gave it to you you're beautiful i'm a guy if you were into one night stands i would take you downstairs to my bedroom and i would you i can't even look at him his statement makes me feel a multitude of things all at once well i'm not into one night stands i figured as much he says your turn he's so nonchalant he acts as if he didn't just stun me into silence i need a minute to regroup after that one i say with a laugh i try to think of something with a little shock value but i can't get over the fact that he just said that out loud maybe because he's a neurosurgeon and i never pictured someone so educated throwing around the word so casually i gather myself somewhat and then say okay since we're on the subject the first guy i ever had sex with was homeless he packs up and faces me oh i'm gonna need more of this story i stretch my arm out and rest my head on it i grew up in maine we lived in a fairly decent neighborhood but the street behind our house wasn't in the best condition our backyard butted up to a condemned house adjacent to two abandoned lots i became friends with a guy named atlas who stayed in the condemned house no one knew he was living there other than me i used to take him food and clothes and stuff until my father found out what did he do my jaw tightens i don't know why i brought this up when i still force myself not to think about it on a daily basis he beat him up that's as naked as i want to get about that subject your turn he regards me silently for a moment as if he knows there's more to that story but then he breaks eye contact the thought of marriage repulses me he says i'm almost 30 years old and i have no desire for a wife i especially don't want children the only thing i want out of life is success lots of it but if i admit that out loud to anyone it makes me sound arrogant professional success or social status he says both anyone can have children anyone can get married but not everyone can be a neurosurgeon i get a lot of pride out of that and i don't just want to be a great neurosurgeon i want to be the best in my field you're right it does make you sound arrogant he smiles my mother fears i'm wasting my life away because all i do is work you're a neurosurgeon and your mother is disappointed in you i laugh good lord that's insane are parents ever really happy with their children will they ever be good enough he shakes his head my children wouldn't be not many people have the drive i do so i'd only be setting them up for failure that's why i'll never have any i actually think that's respectable while a lot of people refuse to admit they might be too selfish to have children he shakes his head oh i'm way too selfish to have children and i'm definitely way too selfish to be in a relationship so how do you avoid it you just don't date he cuts his eyes to me and there's a slight grin affixed to his face when i have time there are girls who satisfy those needs i don't lack for anything in that department if that's what you're asking but love has never appealed to me it's always been more of a burden than anything i wish i looked at love like that it would make my life a hell of a lot easier i envy you i have this idea that there's a perfect man out there for me i tend to become jaded easily because no one ever meets my standards i feel like i'm on an infinite search for the holy grail you should try my method he says which is one night stands he raises an eyebrow like it's an invitation i'm glad it's dark because my face is on fire i could never sleep with someone if i didn't see it going anywhere i say this out loud but my words lack conviction when i say it to him he drags in a long slow breath and then rolls onto his back not that kind of girl huh he says this with a trace of disappointment in his voice i match his disappointment i'm not sure i'd even want to turn him down if he made a move but i might have just thwarted that possibility if you wouldn't sleep with someone you just met his eyes meet mine again exactly how far would you go i don't have an answer for that i roll onto my back because the way he's looking at me makes me want to rethink one night stands i'm not necessarily against them i suppose i've just never been propositioned for one by someone i would consider it with until now i think is he even propositioning me i've always been terrible at flirting he reaches out and grabs the edge of my lounge chair in one swift movement and with very minimal effort he drags my chair closer to him until it bumps his my whole body stiffens he's so close now i can feel the warmth of his breath cutting through the cold air if i were to look at him his face would be mere inches from mine i refuse to look at him because he'd probably kiss me and i know absolutely nothing about this guy other than a couple of naked truths but that doesn't weigh on my conscience at all when he rests a heavy hand on my stomach how far would you go lily his voice is decadent smooth it travels straight to my toes i don't know i whisper his fingers begin to cool toward the hem of my shirt he begins to slowly inch it upward until a slither of my stomach is showing oh jesus i whisper feeling the warmth from his hand as he slides it up my stomach against my better judgment i face him again and the look in his eyes completely captivates me he looks hopeful and hungry and completely confident he sinks his teeth into his bottom lip as his hand begins to tease its way up my shirt i know he can feel my heart thrashing around in my chest hell he can probably hear it is this too far he asks i don't know where this side of me is coming from but i shake my head and say not even close with a grin his fingers brush the underneath of my bra lightly trickling over my skin that is now covered in chills as soon as my eyelids fall shut the piercing of a ring rips through the air his hand stiffens when we both realize it's a phone his phone he drops his forehead to my shoulder damn it i frown when his hand slips out from beneath my shirt he fumbles in his pocket for his phone standing up and walking several feet away from me to take the call dr kincaid he says he listens intently his hand gripping the back of his neck what about roberts i'm not even supposed to be on call right now more silence is followed with yeah give me ten minutes on my way he ends the call and slides his phone back in his pocket when he turns to face me he looks a little disappointed he points to the door that leads to the stairwell i have to i not it's fine he considers me for a moment and then holds up a finger don't move he says reaching for his phone again he walks closer and holds it up as if he's about to snap a picture of me i almost object but i don't even know why i'm fully clothed it just doesn't feel that way for some reason he snaps a picture of me lying in the lounge chair my arms relaxed above my head i have no idea what he plans to do with that picture but i like that he took it i like that he had the urge to remember what i look like even though he knows he'll never see me again he stares at the photo on his screen for a few seconds and smiles i'm half tempted to take a picture of him in return but i'm not sure i want a reminder of someone i'll never see again the thought of that is a little depressing it was nice meeting you lily bloom i hope you defy the odds of most dreams and actually accomplish yours i smile equally saddened and confused by this guy i'm not sure that i've ever spent time with someone like him before someone of a completely different lifestyle and tax bracket i probably never will again but i'm pleasantly surprised to see that we aren't all that different misconception confirmed he looks down at his feet for a moment as he stands in somewhat of an unsure pose it's as if he's suspended between the desire to say something else to me and the need to leave he glances at me one last time this time without so much of a poker face i can see the disappointment in the set of his mouth before he turns and walks in the other direction he opens the door and i can hear his footsteps fade as he rushes down the stairwell i'm alone on the rooftop once again but to my surprise i'm a little saddened by that now chapter two lucy the roommate who loves to hear herself sing is rushing around the living room gathering keys shoes a pair of sunglasses i'm seated on the couch opening up show boxes stuffed with some of my old things from when i lived at home i grabbed them when i was home for my father's funeral this week you work today lucy asks nope i have bereavement leave until monday she stops in her tracks monday she scoffs lucky yes lucy i'm so lucky my father died i say it sarcastically of course but i cringe when i realize it's not actually very sarcastic you know what i mean she mutters she grabs her purse as she balances on one foot while sliding her shoe onto the other i'm not coming home tonight staying over at alex's house the door slams behind her we have a lot in common on the surface but beyond wearing the same size clothes being the same age and both having four letter names that start with an l and end with a y there's not much else there that makes us more than just roommates i'm okay with that though other than the incessant singing she's pretty tolerable she's clean and she's gonna lot two of the most important qualities in a roommate i'm pulling the lid off the top of one of the show boxes when my cell phone rings i reach across the couch and grab it when i see that it's my mother i press my face into the couch and fake cry into a throw pillow i bring the phone to my ear hello there's three seconds of silence and then hello lily i sigh and sit back up on the couch hey mom i'm really surprised she's speaking to me it's only been one day since the funeral that's 364 days sooner than i expected to hear from her how are you i ask she sighs dramatically fine she says your aunt and uncle went back to nebraska this morning it'll be my first night alone since you'll be fine mom i say trying to sound confident she's quiet for too long and then she says lily i just want you to know that you shouldn't be embarrassed about what happened yesterday i pause i wasn't not even the slightest bit everyone freezes up once in a while i shouldn't have put that kind of pressure on you knowing how hard the day was on you already i should have just had your uncle do it i close my eyes here she goes again covering up what she doesn't want to see taking blame that isn't even hers to take of course she convinced herself that i froze up yesterday and that's why i refused to speak of course she did i have half a mind to tell her it wasn't a mistake i didn't freeze up i just had nothing great to say about the unremarkable man she chose to be my father but part of me does feel guilty for what i did specifically because it's not something i should have done in the presence of my mother so i just accept what she's doing and go along with it thanks mom sorry i choked it's fine lily i need to go i have to run to the insurance office we have a meeting about your father's policies call me tomorrow okay i will i tell her love you mom i end a call and toss the phone across the couch i open the show box on my lap and pull out the contents on the very top is a small wooden hollow heart i run my fingers over it and remember the night i was given this heart as soon as the memory begins to sink in i set it aside nostalgia is a funny thing i move a few old letters and newspaper clippings aside beneath all of it i find what i was hoping was inside these boxes and also sort of hoping wasn't my ellen diaries i run my hands over them there are three of them in this box but i'd say there are probably eight or nine total i haven't read any of these since the last time i wrote in them i refused to admit that i kept a diary when i was younger because that was so cliche instead i convinced myself that what i was doing was cool because it wasn't technically a diary i addressed each of my entries to ellen degeneres because i began watching her show the first day it aired in 2003 when i was just a little girl i watched it every day after school and was convinced ellen would love me if she got to know me i write letters to her regularly until i turn 16 but i write them like one would write entries in a diary of course i knew the last thing ellen degeneres probably wanted was a random girl's journal entries luckily i never actually sent any in but i still liked addressing all the entries to her so i continued to do that until i stopped writing in them all together i open another show box and find more of them i sought through them until i grabbed the one from when i was 15 years old i flip it open searching for the day i met atlas there wasn't much that happened in my life worth writing about before he entered it but somehow i filled six journals full before he ever came into the picture i saw i'd never read these again but with the passing of my father i've been thinking about my childhood at lot maybe if i read through these journals i'll somehow find a little strength for forgiveness although i fear i'm running the risk of building up even more resentment i lie back on the couch and i begin reading dear ellen before i tell you what happened today i have a really good idea for a new segment on your show it's called ellen at home i think lots of people would like to see you outside of work i always wonder what you're like at your home when it's just you and porsha and the cameras aren't around maybe the producers can give her a camera and sometimes she can just sneak up on you and film you doing normal things like watching tv or cooking or gardening she could film you for a few seconds without you knowing and then she could scream ellen at home and scare you it's only fair since you love pranks okay now that i told you that i keep meaning to and have been forgetting i'll tell you about my day yesterday it was interesting probably my most interesting day to write about yet if you don't count the day abigail ivory slapped mr carson for looking at her cleavage you remember a while back when i told you about mrs burleson who lived behind us she died the night of that big snowstorm my dad said she owed so much in taxes that her daughter wasn't able to take ownership of the house which is fine by her i'm sure because the house was starting to fall apart anyway it probably would have been more of a burden than anything the house has been empty since mrs burleson died which has been about two years i know it's been empty because my bedroom window looks out over the backyard and there hasn't been a single soul that goes in or out of that house since i can remember until last night i was in bed shuffling cards i know that sounds weird but it's just something i do i don't even know how to play cards but when my parents get into fights shuffling cards just calms me down sometimes and gives me something to focus on anyway it was dark outside so i noticed the light right away it wasn't bright but it was coming from that old house it looked more like candlelight than anything so i went to the back porch and found dad's binoculars i tried to see what was going on over there but i couldn't see anything it was way too dark then after a little while the light went out this morning when i was getting ready for school i saw something moving behind that house i crouched down at my bedroom window and saw someone sneaking out the back door it was a guy and he had a backpack he looked around like he was making sure no one saw him and then he walked between our house and the neighbor's house and went and stood at the bus stop i'd never seen him before it was the first time he rode my bus he sat in the back and i sat in the middle so i didn't talk to him but when he got off the bus at school i saw him walk into the school so he must go there i have no idea why he was sleeping in that house there's probably no electricity or running water i thought maybe he did it as a dare but today he got off the bus at the same stop as me he walked down the street like he was going somewhere else but i ran straight to my room and watched out the window sure enough a few minutes later i saw him sneaking back inside that empty house i don't know if i should say something to my mother i hate to be nosy because it's none of my business but if that guy doesn't have anywhere to go i feel like my mother would know how to help him since she works at a school i don't know i might wait a couple days before i say something and see if he goes back home he might just need a break from his parents same as i wish i could have sometimes that's all i'll let you know what happens tomorrow lily dear ellen i fast forward through all your dancing when i watch your show i used to watch the beginning when you dance through the audience but i get a little bored with it now and would rather just hear you talk i hope that doesn't make you mad okay so i found out who the guy is and yes he's still going over there it's been two days now and i still haven't told anyone his name is atlas corrigan and he's a senior but that's all i know i asked katie who he was when she sat next to me on the bus she rolled her eyes and told me his name but then she said i don't know anything else about him but he smells she scrunched up her nose like it grossed her out i wanted to yell at her and tell her he can't help it that he doesn't have any running water but instead i just looked back at him i might have stared a little too much because he caught me looking at him when i got home i went to the backyard to do some gardening my radishes were ready to be pulled so i was out there pulling them the radishes are the only thing left in my garden it's starting to get cold so there's not much else i can plant right now i probably could have waited a few more days to pull them but i was also outside because i was being nosy i noticed as i was pulling them that some were missing it looked like they had just been dug up i know i didn't pull them and my parents never mess with my garden that's when i thought about atlas and how it was more than likely him i hadn't thought about how if he doesn't have access to a shower he probably doesn't have food either i went inside my house and made a couple of sandwiches i grabbed two sodas out of the fridge and a bag of chips i put them in a lunch bag and i ran it over to the abandoned house and set it on the back porch by the door i wasn't sure if he saw me so i knocked real hard and then ran back to my house and went straight to my room by the time i got to the window to see if he was going to come outside the bag was already gone that's when i knew he'd been watching me i'm kind of nervous now that he knows i know he's staying there i don't know what i'll say to him if he tries to talk to me tomorrow lily dear ellen i saw your interview with the presidential candidate barack obama today does that make you nervous interviewing people who could potentially run the country i don't know a lot about politics but i don't think i could be funny under that kind of pressure man so much has happened to both of us you just interviewed someone who might be our next president and i'm feeding a homeless boy this morning when i got to the bus stop atlas was already there it was just the two of us at first and i'm not gonna lie it was awkward i could see the bus coming around the corner and i was wishing it would drive a little faster right when it pulled up he took a step closer to me and without looking up he said thank you the doors opened on the bus and he let me walk on first i didn't say you're welcome because i was kind of shocked by my reaction his voice gave me chills ellen has a boy's voice ever done that to you oh wait sorry has a girl's voice ever done that to you he didn't sit by me or anything on the way there but on the way back from school he was the last one getting on there weren't any empty seats but i could tell by the way he scanned all the people on the bus that he wasn't looking for an empty seat he was looking for me when his eyes met mine i looked down at my lap real quick i hate that i'm not very confident around guys maybe that's something i'll grow into when i finally turned 16 he sat down next to me and dropped his backpack between his legs that's when i noticed what katie was talking about he did kind of smell but i didn't judge him for that he didn't say anything at first but he was fidgeting with a hole in his jeans it wasn't the kind of hole that was there to make jeans look stylish i could tell it was there because it was a genuine hole due to his pants being old they actually looked a little too small for him because his ankles were showing but he was skinny enough that they fit him just fine everywhere else did you tell anyone he asked me i looked at him when he spoke and he was looking right back at me like he was worried it was the first time i had actually gotten a good look at him his hair was dark brown but i thought maybe if he washed it it wouldn't be as dark as it looked right then his eyes were bright unlike the rest of him real blue eyes like the kind you see on a siberian husky i shouldn't compare his eyes to a dog but that's the first thing i thought when i saw them i shook my head and looked back out the window i thought he might get up and find another seat at that point since i said i didn't tell anyone but he didn't the bus made a few stops and the fact that he was still sitting by me gave me a little courage so i made my voice a whisper why don't you live at home with your parents he stared at me for a few seconds like he was trying to decide if he wanted to trust me or not then he said because they don't want me to that's when he got up i thought i'd made him mad but then i realized he got up because we were at our stop i grabbed my stuff and followed him off the bus he didn't try to hide where he was heading today like he usually does normally he walks down the street and goes around the block so i don't see him cut through my backyard but today he started to walk toward my yard with me when we got to where i would normally turn to go inside and he would keep walking we both stopped he kicked at the dirt with his foot and looked behind me at my house what time do your parents get home around five i said it was 3 45. he nodded and looked like he was about to say something else but he didn't he just nodded again and started walking toward that house with no food or electricity or water now ellen i know what i did next was stupid so you don't have to tell me i called out his name and when he stopped and turned around i said if you hurry you can take a shower before they get home my heart was beating so fast because i knew how much trouble i could get into if my parents came home and found a homeless guy in our shower i'd probably very well die but i just couldn't watch him walk back to his house without offering him something he looked down at the ground again and i felt his embarrassment in my own stomach he didn't even nod he just followed me inside my house and never said a word the whole time he was in the shower i was panicking i kept looking out the window and checking for either of my parents cars even though i knew it would be a good hour before they got home i was nervous one of the neighbors might have seen him come inside but they didn't really know me well enough to think having a visitor would be abnormal i had given atlas a change of clothes and knew he not only needed to be out of the house when my parents got home that he needed to be far away from our house i'm sure my father would recognize his own clothes on some random teenager in the neighborhood in between looking out the window and checking the clock i was filling up one of my old backpacks with stuff food that didn't need refrigerating a couple of my father's t-shirts a pair of jeans that were probably going to be two sizes too big for him and a change of socks i was sipping up the backpack when he emerged from the hallway i was right even wet i could tell his hair was lighter than it looked earlier it made his eyes look even glow he must have shaved while he was in there because he looked younger than he did before he got in the shower i swallowed and looked back down at the backpack because i was shocked at how different he looked i was scared he might see my thoughts written across my face i looked out the window one more time and handed him the backpack you might want to go out the back door so no one sees you he took the backpack from me and stared at my face for a minute what's your name he said as he slung the pack over his shoulder lily he smiled it was the first time he'd smiled at me and i had an awful shallow thought in that moment i wondered how someone with such a great smile could have such shitty parents i immediately hated myself for thinking it because of course parents should love their kids no matter how cute or ugly or skinny or fat or smart or stupid they are but sometimes you can't control where your mind goes you just have to train it not to go there anymore he held out his hand and said i'm atlas i know i said without shaking his hand i don't know why i didn't shake his hand it wasn't because i was scared to touch him i mean i was scared to touch him but not because i thought i was better than him he just made me so nervous he put his hand down and nodded once then said i guess i better go i stepped aside so he could walk around me he pointed past the kitchen silently asking if that was the way to the back door i nodded and walked behind him as he made his way down the hall when he reached the back door i saw him pause for a second when he saw my bedroom i was suddenly embarrassed that he was seeing my bedroom no one ever sees my bedroom so i've never felt the need to give it a more mature look i still have the same pink bedspread and curtains i've had since i was 12. for the first time ever i felt like ripping down my poster of adam brody atlas didn't seem to care how my room was decorated he looked straight at my window the one that looks out over the backyard then he glanced back at me right before he walked out the back door he said thank you for not being disparaging lily and then he was gone of course i've heard the term disparaging before but it was weird hearing a teenage guy use it what's even weirder is how everything about atlas seems so contradictory how does a guy who is obviously humble well-mannered and uses words like disparaging end up homeless how does any teenager end up homeless i need to find out ellen i'm going to find out what happened to him you just wait and see lily i'm about to open another entry when my phone rings i call across the couch for it and i'm not the least bit surprised to see it's my mother again now that my father has passed and she's alone she'll probably call me twice as much as she did before hello what do you think about my moving to boston she blarts out i grab the throw pillow next to me and shove my face into it muffling a scream um wow i say really she's quiet and then it was just a thought we can discuss it tomorrow i'm almost to my meeting okay bye and just like that i want to move out of massachusetts she can't move here she doesn't know anyone here she'd expect me to entertain her every day i love my mother don't get me wrong but i moved to boston to be on my own and having her in the same city would make me feel less independent my father was diagnosed with cancer three years ago while i was still in college if roil kincaid were here right now i tell him the naked truth that i was a little bit relieved when my father became too old to physically hurt my mother it completely changed the dynamic of their relationship and i no longer felt obligated to stay in plethora to make sure she was okay now that my father is gone and i never have to worry about my mother again i was looking forward to spreading my wings so to speak but now she's moving to boston it feels like my wings were just clipped where is a marine grade polymer chair when i need one i'm seriously stressing out and i have no idea what i do if my mother moves to boston i don't have a garden or a yard or a patio or weeds i have to find another outlet i decide to clean i place all of my old show boxes full of journals and notes in my bedroom closet then i organize my entire closet my jewelry my shoes my clothes she cannot move to boston chapter three six months later oh that's all she says my mother turns and assesses the building running a finger over the windowsill next to her she picks up a layer of dust and wipes it between her fingers it's it needs a lot of work i know i interrupt i point at the windows behind her but look at the storefront it has potential she scrolls over the windows nodding there's this sound she makes in the back of her throat sometimes where she agrees with a little hum but her lips remain tight it means she doesn't actually agree and she makes that sound twice i drop my arms in defeat you think this was stupid she gives her head a slight shake that all depends on how it turns out lily she says the building used to house a restaurant and it's still full of old tables and chairs my mother walks over to a nearby table and pulls out one of the chairs taking a seat if things work out and your floral shop is successful then people will say it was a brave bold smart business decision but if it fails and you lose your entire inheritance then people will say it was a stupid business decision she shrugs that's just how it works you majored in business you know that she glances around the room slowly as if she's seeing it the way it will look a month from now just make sure it's brave and bold lily i smile i can accept that i can't believe i bought it without asking you first i say taking a seat at the table you're an adult it's your right she says but i can hear a trace of disappointment i think she feels even lonelier now that i need her less and less it's been six months since my father died and even though he wasn't good company it has to be weird for her being alone she got a job at one of the elementary schools so she did end up moving here she chose a small suburb on the outskirts of boston she bought a cute two-bedroom house on a cul-de-sac with a huge backyard i dream of planting a garden there but that would require daily care my limit is once a week visits sometimes twice what are you going to do with all this junk she asks she's right there's so much junk it'll take forever to clear this place out i have no idea i guess i'll be busting my ass for a while before i can even think about decorating when's your last day at the marketing firm i smile yesterday she releases a sigh and then shakes her head oh lily i certainly hope this works out in your favor we both begin to stand when the front door opens there are shelves in the way of the door so i careen my head around them and see a woman walk in her eyes briefly scan the room until she sees me hi she says with a wave she's cute she's dressed well but she's wearing white carpris a disaster waiting to happen in this dust bowl can i help you she tucks her purse beneath her arm and walks toward me holding out her hand i'm melissa she says i shake her hand lily she tosses a thumb over her shoulder there's a help wanted sign out front i look over her shoulder and raise an eyebrow there is i didn't put up a help wanted sign she nods and then shrugs it looks old though she says it's probably been there a while i was just out for a walk and saw the sign was curious is all i like her almost immediately her voice is pleasant and her smile seems genuine my mother's hand falls down on my shoulder and she leans in and kisses me on the cheek i have to go she says open house tonight i tell her goodbye and watch her walk outside then turn my attention back to alyssa i'm not really hiring yet i say i wave my hand around the room i'm opening up a floral shop but it'll be a couple of months at least i should know better than to hold preconceived judgments but she doesn't look like she'd be satisfied with a minimum wage job her pass probably cost more than this building her eyes light up really i love flowers she spins around in a circle and says this place has a ton of potential what color are you painting it i cross my arm over my chest and grab my elbow walking back on my heels i say i'm not sure i just got the keys to the building an hour ago so i haven't really come up with a design plan yet lily right i'm not i'm not going to pretend i have a degree in design but it's my absolute favorite thing if you need any help i do it for free i tilt my head you'd work for free she nods i don't really need a job i just saw the sign and thought what the heck but i do get bored sometimes i'd be happy to help you with whatever you need cleaning decorating picking out paint colors i'm a pinterest something behind me catches her iron she points i could take that broken door and make it magnificent all this stuff really there's a use for almost everything you know i look around at the room knowing full well i'm not going to be able to tackle this by myself i probably can't even lift half this stuff alone i'll eventually have to hire someone anyway i'm not going to let you work for free but i could do 10 an hour if you're really serious she starts clapping and if she weren't in heels she might have jumped up and down when can i start i glance down at her white carpres will tomorrow work you'll probably want to show up in disposable clothes she waves me off and drops her hermes bag on a dusty table next to her nonsense she says my husband is watching the bruins play at a bar down the street if it's okay i'll just hang with you and get started right now two hours later i'm convinced i've met my new best friend and she really is a pinterest we write keep and toss on sticky notes and slap them on everything in the room she's a fellow believer in upcycling so we come up with ideas for at least 75 percent of the stuff left in the building the rest she says her husband can throw out when he has free time once we know what we're going to do with all the stuff i grab a notebook and a pen and we sit at one of the tables to write down design ideas okay she says leaning back in her chair i want to laugh because her white capris are covered in dirt now but she doesn't seem to care do you have a goal for this place she asks glancing around i have one i say succeed she laughs i have no doubt you'll succeed but you do need a vision i think about what my mother said just make sure it's brave and bold lily i smile and sit up straighter in my chair brave and bold i say i want this place to be different i want to take risks she narrows her eyes as she chews on the tip of the pen but you're just selling flowers she says how can you be brave and bold with flowers i look around the room and try to envision what i'm thinking i'm not even sure what i'm thinking i'm just getting itchy and restless like i'm on the verge of a brilliant idea what are some words that come to mind when you think of flowers i ask her she shrugs i don't know they're sweet i guess they're alive so they make me think of life and maybe the color pink and spring sweet life pink spring i repeat and then alyssa you're brilliant i stand up and begin pacing the floor we'll take everything everyone loves about flowers and will do the complete opposite she makes a face to let me know she isn't following okay i say what if instead of showcasing the sweet side of flowers we showcase the villainous side instead of pink accents we use darker colors like a deep purple or even black and instead of just spring and life we also celebrate winter and death alyssa's eyes are wide but what if someone wants pink flowers though well we'll still give them what they want of course but we'll also give them what they don't know they want she scratches her cheek so you're thinking black flowers she looks concerned and i don't blame her she's only seeing the darkest side of my vision i take a seat at the table again and try to get her on board someone once told me that there is no such thing as bad people we're all just people who sometimes do bad things that stuck with me because it's so true we've all got a little bit of good and evil in us i want to make that our theme instead of painting the walls of putrid sweet color we paint them dark purple with black accents and instead of only putting out the usual pastel displays of flowers in boring crystal vases that make people think of life we go edgy brave and bold we put out displays of darker flowers wrapped in things like leather or silver chains and rather than put them in crystal vases we'll stick them in black onyx or i don't know purple velvet vases lined with silver studs the ideas are endless i stand up again there are floral shops on every corner for people who love flowers but what floral shop caters to all the people who hate flowers alyssa shakes her head none of them she whispers exactly none of them we stare at each other for a moment and then i can't take it another second i'm bursting with excitement and i just start laughing like a giddy child alyssa starts laughing too and she jumps up and hugs me lily it's so twisted it's brilliant i know i'm full of renewed energy i need a desk so i can sit down and make a business plan but my future office is full of old vegetable crates she walks toward the back of the store well let's get them out of there and go buy you a desk we squeeze into the office and begin moving crates out one by one and into a back room i stand on the chair to make the piles taller so we'll have more room to move around these are perfect for the window displays i have in mind she hands me two more crates and walks away and as i'm reaching on my tiptoes to stack them at the very top the pile begins to tumble i try to find something to grab hold of for balance but the crates knock me off the chair when i land on the floor i can feel my foot bending the wrong direction it's followed by a rush of pain straight up my leg and down to my toes alyssa comes rushing back into the room and has to move two of the crates from on top of me lily she says oh my god are you okay i pull myself up to a sitting position but don't even try to put weight on my ankle i shake my head my ankle she immediately removes my shoe and then pulls her phone out of her pocket she begins dialing a number and then looks up at me i know this is a stupid question but do you happen to have a refrigerator here with ice in it i shake my head i figured she says she puts the phone on speaker and sets it on the floor as she begins to roll up my pant leg i went but not so much from the pain i just can't believe i did something so stupid if i broke it i'm screwed i just spent my entire inheritance on a building that i won't even be able to renovate for months hey issa a voice croons through her phone where you at the game's over alyssa picks up her phone and brings it closer to her mouth at work listen i need the guy cuts her off and says at work babe you don't even have a job alyssa shakes her head and says marshall listen it's an emergency i think my boss broke her ankle i need you to bring some ice to he cuts her off with a laugh your boss babe you don't even have a job he repeats alyssa rolls her eyes marshall are you drunk it's honesty day he slurs into the phone you knew that when you dropped us off issa free beer until she groans put my brother on the phone fine fine marshall mumbles there's a rustling sound that comes from the phone and then yeah alyssa spits out our location into the phone get here right now please and bring a bag of ice yes he says the brother sounds like he may be a little drunk too there's laughter and then one of the guys says she's in a bad mood and then the line goes dead alyssa puts her phone back in her pocket i'll go wait outside for them they're just down the street will you be okay here i nod and reach for the chair maybe i should just try to walk on it alyssa pushes my shoulders back until i'm leaning against the wall again no don't move wait until they get here okay i have no idea what two drunken guys are going to be able to do for me but i'm not my new employee feels more like my boss right now and i'm kind of scared of her at the moment i wait in the back for about 10 minutes when i finally hear the front door to the building open what in the world a man's voice says why are you all alone in this creepy building i hear alyssa say she's back here she walks in followed by a guy wearing a honesty his tall a little bit on the thin side but boyishly handsome with big honest eyes and a head full of dark messy way past g4a haircut hair he's holding a bag of ice did i mention he was wearing a honesty i'm talking a legit full-grown man in a spongebob honesty this is your husband i ask her cooking an eyebrow alyssa rolls her eyes unfortunately she says glancing back at him another guy also in her honesty walks in behind them but my attention is on alyssa as she explains why they're wearing pajamas on a random wednesday afternoon there's a bud down the street that gives out free beer to anyone who shows up in a honesty during a bruins game she makes her way over to me in motions for the guys to follow her she fell off the chair and hurt her ankle she says to the other guy he steps around marshall and the first thing i notice are his arms holy i know those arms those are the arms of a neurosurgeon alyssa is his sister the sister that owns the entire top floor with the husband who works in pajamas and brings in seven figures a year as soon as my eyes lock with riles his whole face morphs into a smile i haven't seen him in god how long ago was that six months i can't say i haven't thought about him during the past six months because i've thought about him quite a few times but i never actually thought i'd see him again ryle this is lily lily my brother ryle she says motioning toward him and that's my husband marshall while walks over to me and kneels down lily he says regarding me with a smile nice to meet you it's obvious he remembers me i can see it in his knowing smile but like me he's pretending this is the first time we've met i'm not sure i'm in the mood to explain how we already know each other rile touches my ankle and inspects it can you move it i try to move it but a sharp pain shoots all the way up my leg i suck in air through my teeth and shake my head not yet it hurts while motions to marshall find something to put the ice in alyssa follows marshall out of the room when they're both gone while looks at me and his mouth turns up into a grin i won't charge you for this but only because i'm slightly inebriated he says with a wink i tilt my head the first time i met you you were high now you're drunk i'm beginning to worry you aren't going to make a very qualified neurosurgeon he laughs it would appear that way he says but i promise you i rarely ever get high and this is my first day off in over a month so i really needed a beer all five marshall comes back with an old rag wrapped around some ice he hands it to ryle who presses it against my ankle i'll need that first aid kit out of your trunk rile says to alyssa she nods and grabs marshall's hand pulling him out of the room again while presses his palm against the bottom of my foot push against my hand he says i push down with my ankle it hurts but i'm able to move his hand is it broken he moves my foot from side to side and then says i don't think so let's give it a couple of minutes and i'll see if you can put any weight on it i nod on watch as he adjusts himself across from me he sits cross-legged and pulls my foot onto his lap he looks around the room and then directs his attention back at me so what is this place i smile a little too big lily blooms it'll be a floral shop in about two months time i swear his whole face lights up with pride no way he says you did it you're actually opening up your own business i not yep i figured i might as well try it while i'm still young enough to bounce back from failure one of his hands is holding the ice against my ankle but the other one is wrapped around my barefoot he's brushing his thumb back and forth like it's no big deal that he's touching me but his hand on my foot is way more noticeable than the pain in my ankle i look ridiculous huh he asks staring down at his solid red honesty i shrug at least you went with a non-character choice it gives it a bit more maturity than the spongebob option he laughs and then his smile disappears as he leans his head into the door beside him he stares at me appreciatively you're even prettier in the daytime moments like these are why i absolutely hate having red hair and fair skin the embarrassment doesn't only show up in my cheeks my whole face arms and neck grow flushed i rest my head against the wall behind me and stare at him just like he's staring at me you want to hear a naked truth he nods i've want to go back to your roof on more than one occasion since that night but i was too scared you'd be there you make me kind of nervous his fingers pulls their strokes against my foot my turn i nod his eyes narrow as his hand moves to the underneath of my foot he slowly traces his fingers from the tops of my toes down to my heel i still very much want to you someone gasps and it isn't me while and i both look at the doorway and alyssa is standing there wide-eyed her mouth is open as she points down at ryle did you just she looks at me and says i am so sorry about him lily and then she looks back at role with venom in her eyes did you just tell my boss you want to her oh dear while pulls his bottom lip in and chews on it for a second marshall walks in behind alyssa and says what's going on alyssa looks at marshall and points that while again he just told lily he wants to her marshall looks from rile to me i don't know whether to laugh or call under the table and hide you did he says looking back at ryle while shrugs it appears that way he says alyssa puts her head in her hands jesus christ she says looking at me he's drunk they're both drunk please don't judge me because my brother is an i smile at her and wave it off it's fine alyssa lots of people want to me i glance back at while and he's still casually stroking my foot at least your brother speaks his mind not a lot of people have the courage to say what they're actually thinking while winks at me and then carefully moves my ankle off his lap let's see if he can put any weight on it he says he and marshall help me to my feet while points to a table a few feet away that's pushed up against a wall let's try to make it to the table so i can wrap it his arm is secured around my waist and is gripping my arm tightly to make sure i don't fall marshall is more or less just standing next to me for support i put a little weight on my ankle and it hurts but it's not excruciating i'm able to hop all the way to the table with a lot of assistance from ryle he helps me pull myself up until i'm seated on top of it leaning against the wall with my leg stretched out in front of me well the good news is that it isn't broken what's the bad news i ask him he opens the first aid kit and says you'll need to stay off of it for a few days maybe even a week or more depending on how it heals i close my eyes and lean my head against the wall behind me but i have so much to do i whine he carefully begins to wrap my ankle alyssa is standing behind him watching him wrap it i'm thirsty marshall says anybody wants something to drink there's a cvs across the street i'm good ral says i'll take a water i say sprite alyssa says marshall grabs her hand you're coming with alyssa pulls her hand from his and crosses her arms over her chest i'm not going anywhere she says my brother can't be trusted alyssa it's fine i tell her he was making a joke she stares at me silently for a moment and then says okay but you can't fire me if he pulls more stupid i promise i won't fire you with that she grabs marshall's hand again and leaves the room while is still wrapping my foot when he says my sister works for you yep hired her a couple of hours ago he reaches into the first aid kit and pulls out tape you do realize she's never had a job in her entire life she already warned me i say his jaw is tight and he doesn't look as relaxed as he did earlier then it hits me that he might think i hired her as a way to get closer to him i had no idea she was your sister until you walked in i swear he glances at me and then back down at my foot i wasn't suggesting you knew he begins to tape over the ace bandage i know you weren't i just didn't want you to think i was trying to trap you somehow we want two different things from life remember he nods and carefully sets my foot back on the table that is correct he says i specialize in one night stands and you're on the quest for your holy grail i laugh you have a good memory i do he says a language smile stretches across his mouth but you're also hard to forget jesus he has to stop saying things like that i press my palms into the table and pull my leg down naked truth coming he leans against the table next to me and says all is i hold nothing back i'm very attracted to you i say there's not much about you i don't like and being as though you and i both want different things if we're ever around each other again i'd appreciate it if you could stop saying things that make me dizzy it's not really fair to me he nods once and then says my turn he places his hand on the table next to me and leans in a little i'm very attracted to you too there's not much about you i don't like but i kind of hope we're never around each other again because i don't like how much i think about you which isn't all that much but it's more than i'd like so if you still aren't going to agree to a one-night stand then i think it's best if we do what we can to avoid each other because it won't do either of us any favors i don't know how he ended up this close to me but he's only about a foot away his proximity makes it hard to pay attention to words that come out of his mouth his gaze drops briefly to my mouth but as soon as we hear the front door open he's halfway across the room by the time melissa and marshall make it to us while is busy restacking all the crates that fell alyssa looks down at my ankle what's the verdict she asks i push my bottom lip out your doctor brother says i have to stay off of it for a few days she hands me my water good thing you have me i can work and do what i can to clean up while you rest i take a drink of the water and then wipe my mouth alyssa i'm declaring you employee of the month she grins and then turns to marshall did you hear that i'm the best employee she has he puts his arm around her and kisses the top of her head i'm proud of you issa i like that he calls her isa which i'm assuming is short for alyssa i think about my own name and if i'll ever find a guy who could shorten it into a sickeningly cute nickname illy nope not the same do you need help getting home she asks i hop down and test my foot maybe just to my car it's my left foot so i can probably drive just fine she walks over and puts her arm around me if you want to leave the keys with me i'll lock up and come back tomorrow and start cleaning the three of them walk me to my car but ryle allows alyssa to do most of the work he seems almost scared to touch me now for some reason when i'm in the driver's seat alyssa puts my purse and other things in the floorboard and sits in the passenger seat she takes my phone out and begins programming her number into it while leans into the window make sure to keep ice on it as much as you can for the next few days baths help too i nod thanks for your help alyssa leans over and says wow maybe you should drive her home and take a cab back to the apartment just to be safe while looks down at me and then shakes his head i don't think that's a good idea he says she'll be fine i've had a few beers probably shouldn't be driving you could at least help her home alyssa suggests while shakes his head and then pats the roof of the car as he turns and walks away i'm still watching him when alyssa hands me back my phone and says seriously i'm really sorry about him first he hits on you then he's a selfish she climbs out of the car and closes the door then leans through the window that's why he'll be single for the rest of his life she points to my phone text me when you get home and call me if you need anything i won't count favors as work time thank you alyssa she smiles no thank you i haven't been this excited about my life since the paulo new teeny concert i went to last year she waves goodbye and walks toward where marshall and ryle are standing they begin walking down the street and i watch them in my review mirror as they turn the corner i see while glance over his shoulder and look back in my direction i close my eyes and exhale the two times i've spent with ryle were on days i'd probably rather forget my father's funeral and spraining my ankle but somehow him being present made them feel like less of the disasters they were i hate that he's alyssa's brother i have a feeling this isn't the last time i'll be seeing him chapter four it takes me half an hour to make it from my car to my apartment i called lucy twice to see if she could help me but she didn't answer her phone when i make it inside my apartment i'm a little irritated to see her lying on the couch with the phone to hurry i slam our front door behind me and she glances up what happened to you she asks i use the wall for support as i hop toward the hallway sprained my ankle when i make it to my bedroom door she yells sorry i didn't answer the phone i'm talking to alex i was gonna call you back it's fine i holler back at her and then slam my bedroom door shut i go to the bathroom and find some old pain pills i had stuffed into a cabinet i swallowed two of them and then fall onto my bed and stare up at the ceiling i can't believe i'll be stuck in this apartment for an entire week i grabbed my phone and text my mother sprained my ankle i'm fine but can i send you a list of things to grab for me at the store i dropped my phone onto my bed and for the first time since she moved here i'm thankful my mother lives fairly close to me it actually hasn't been that bad i think i like her more now that my father has passed away i know it's because i held a lot of resentment toward her for never leaving him even though a lot of that resentment has faded when it comes to my mother i still have the same feelings when i think of my father it can't be good still holding on to so much bitterness toward my father but damn it he was awful to my mother to me to atlas atlas i've been so busy with my mother's move and secretly searching for a new building between work hours i haven't had time to finish reading the journals i started reading all those months ago i hope pathetically to my closet only tripping once luckily i catch myself on my dresser once i have the journal in hand i hop back to the bed and get comfortable i have nothing better to do for the next week now that i can't work i might as well commiserate over my past while i'm forced to commiserate in the present dear ellen you hosting the oscars was the greatest thing to happen to tv last year i don't think i ever told you that the vacuuming skit made me piss my pants oh and i recruited a new ellen follower today in atlas before you start judging me for allowing him inside my house again let me explain how that came about after i let him take a shower here yesterday i didn't see him again last night but this morning he sat by me on the bus again he seemed a little happier than the day before because he slid into the seat and actually smiled at me i'm not gonna lie it was a little weird seeing him in my dad's clothes but the pants fit him a lot better than i thought they were going to guess what he said he leaned forward and unzipped his backpack what he pulled out a bag and handed it to me i found these in the garage i tried to clean them up for you because they were covered in old dirt but i can't do much without water i held the bag and stared at him suspiciously it's the most i'd ever heard him say at once i finally looked down at the bag and opened it it looked like a bunch of old gardening tools i saw you digging with that shovel the other day i wasn't sure if you had any actual gardening tools and no one was using these so thank you i said i was kind of in shock i used to have a trowel but the plastic broke off the handle and it started giving me blisters i asked my mother for gardening tools for my birthday last year and when she bought me a full sized shovel and a hoe i didn't have the heart to tell her it's not what i needed atlas cleared his throat and then in a much quieter voice he said i know it's not like a real gift i didn't buy it or anything but i wanted to give you something you know four he didn't finish his sentence so i nodded and tied the bag back up do you think you can hold them for me until after school i don't have any room in my backpack he grabbed the bag from me and then brought his backpack up to his lap and put the bag inside of it he wrapped his arms around his backpack how old are you he asked 15. the look in his eyes made him seem a little bit sad about my age but i don't know why you're in 10th grade i nodded but honestly couldn't think of anything to say to him i haven't really had much interaction with a lot of guys especially seniors when i'm nervous i kind of just climb up i don't know how long i'll be staying at that place he said bringing his voice down again but if you ever need help with gardening or anything after school it's not like i have much going on there being as though i have no electricity i laughed and then wondered if i should have laughed at his self-deprecating comment we spent the rest of the bus ride talking about you ellen when he made that comment about being bored i asked him if he ever watched your show he said he'd like to because he thinks you're funny but a tv would require electricity another comment i wasn't sure if i should have laughed at i told him he could watch your show with me after school i always record it on the dvr and watch it while i do my chores i figured i could just keep the front door dead bolted and if my parents got home early i'd just have atlas run out the back door i didn't see him again until the ride home today he didn't sit by me this time because katie got on the bus before him and sat next to me i wanted to ask her to move but then she'd think i had a crush on atlas katie would have a filled day with that one so i just let her stay in my seat atlas was at the front of the bus so he got off before i did he just kind of awkwardly stood there at the bus stop and waited for me to get off when i did he opened his backpack and handed me the bag of tools he didn't say anything about my invitation to watch tv from earlier this morning so i just acted like it was a given come on i told him he followed me inside and i locked the dead bolt if my parents come home early run out the back door and don't let them see you he nodded don't worry i will he said with kind of a laugh i asked him if he wanted anything to drink and he said sure i made us a snack and brought our drinks to the living room i sat down on the couch and he sat down in my dad's chair i turned on your show and that's about all that happened we didn't talk much because i fast forwarded through all the commercials but i did notice he laughed at all the right times i think good comedic timing is one of the most important things about a person's personality every time he laughed at your jokes it made me feel better about sneaking him into my house i don't know why maybe because if he's actually someone i could be friends with it'd make me feel less guilty he left right after your show was over i wanted to ask him if he needed to use our shower again but that would have cut it real close to time for my parents getting home the last thing i wanted was for him to have to run out of the shower and across my backyard naked then again that would be kind of hilarious and awesome lily dear ellen come on woman reruns a full week of reruns i get that you need time off but let me make a suggestion instead of recording one show a day you should record two that way you'll get twice as much done in half the time and we'd never have to sit through reruns i say we because i'm referring to atlas and me he's become my regular ellen watching partner i think he might love you as much as i do but i'll never tell him i write to you on a daily basis that might seem a little too fangirl he's been living in that house for two weeks now he's taken a few more showers at my house and i give him food every time he visits i even wash his clothes for him while he's here after school he keeps apologizing to me like he's a burden but honestly i love it he keeps my mind off things and i actually look forward to spending time with him after school every day dad got home late tonight which means he went to the bar after work which means he's probably going to instigate a fight with my mother which means he'll probably do something stupid again i swear sometimes i get so mad at her for staying with him i know i'm only 15 and probably don't understand all the reasons she chooses to stay but i refuse to let her use me as her excuse i don't care if she's too poor to leave him and we'd have to move into a crappy apartment and eat ramen noodles until i graduate that would be better than this i can hear him yelling at her right now sometimes when he gets like this i walk into the living room hoping it'll calm him down he doesn't like to hit her when i'm in the room maybe i should go try that lily dear ellen if i had access to a gun or knife right now i'd kill him as soon as i walked into the living room i saw him push her down they were standing in the kitchen and she'd grabbed his arm trying to calm him down and he backhanded her and knocked her straight to the floor i'm pretty sure he was about to kick her but he saw me walk into the living room and he stopped he muttered something under his breath to her and then walked to their bedroom and slammed the door i rushed to the kitchen and tried to help her but she never wants me to see her like this she waved me away and said i'm fine lily i'm fine we just got into a stupid fight she was crying and i could already see the redness on her cheek from where he hit her when i walked closer to her wanting to make sure she was okay she turned her back to me and gripped the counter i said i'm fine lily go back to your room i ran back down the hallway but i didn't go back to my room i ran straight out the back door and across the backyard i was so mad at her for being short with me i didn't even want to be in the same house as either of them and even thought it was dark already i went over to the house atlas was staying in and i knocked on the door i could hear him moving inside like he accidentally knocked something over it's me lily i whispered a few seconds later the back door opened and he looked behind me then to the left and right of me it wasn't until he looked at my face that he saw i was crying you okay he asked stepping outside i used my shirt to wipe away my tears and noticed he came outside instead of inviting me in i sat down on the porch step and he sat down next to me i'm fine i said i'm just mad sometimes i cry when i get mad he reached over and tucked my hair behind my ear i liked it when he did that and i suddenly wasn't nearly as mad anymore then he put his arm around me and pulled me to him so that my head was resting on his shoulder i don't know how he calmed me down without even talking but he did some people just have a calming presence about them and he's one of those people completely opposite of my father we sat like that for a while until i saw my bedroom light turn on you should go he whispered we could both see my mom standing in my bedroom looking for me it wasn't until that moment that i realized what a perfect view he is of my bedroom as i walked back home i tried to think about the entire time atlas has been in that house i tried to recall if i'd walked around after dark with the light on at night because all i normally wear in my room at night is a t-shirt here's what's crazy about that ellen i was kind of hoping i had lily i closed the journal when the pain pills start to kick in i'll read more tomorrow maybe reading about the things my dad used to do to my mom kind of puts me in a bad mood reading about atlas kind of puts me in a sad mood i try to fall asleep and think about ryle but the whole situation with him kind of makes me mad and sad maybe i'll just think about alyssa and how happy i am that she showed up today i could use a friend not to mention help during these next few months i have a feeling it's going to be more stressful than i bargained for chapter five while was correct it only took a few days for my ankle to feel good enough that i could walk on it again i waited a full week before attempting to leave my apartment though the last thing i need is to re-injure it of course the first place i went was to my floral shop alyssa was there when i arrived today and to say i was shocked when i walked through the front doors is an understatement it looked like a totally different building than the one i bought there's still a ton of work that needs to be done but she and marshall had gotten rid of all the stuff we marked as trash everything else had been organized into piles the windows had been washed the floors had been mopped she even had the area where i planned to put an office cleaned out i helped her for a few hours today but she wouldn't let me do much that required walking at first so i mostly drew out plans for the store we picked out paint colors and set a goal date to open the store that's approximately 54 days from now after she left i spent the next few hours doing all the stuff she wouldn't let me do while she was there it felt good to be back but jesus christ i'm tired which is why i'm debating on whether or not to get up from the couch and answer the knock at my front door lucy is at alex's again tonight and i just spoke to my mother five minutes ago on the phone so i know it isn't either of them i walk to the door and check the peephole before opening it i don't recognize him at first because his head is down but then he looks up and to the right and my heart freaks the hell out what is he doing here while knocks again and i try to brush my hair out of my face and smooth it down with my hands but it's a lost cause i wiped my ass off today and i look like so unless i have half an hour to take a shower put on makeup and throw on clothes before i open the door he'll pretty much have to deal with me as is i open the door and his immediate reaction confuses me jesus christ he says dropping his head against my door frame his panting like he's been working out and that's when i noticed that he doesn't look to be any more rested or clean than i am he's got a couple of days worth of stubble on his face something i've never seen on him before and his hair isn't styled like it usually is it's a little erratic like the look in his eye do you have any idea how many doors i've knocked on to find you i shake my head because i don't but now that he mentions it how in the hell does he know where i live 29 he says then he holds up his hands and repeats the numbers with his fingers while he whispers 2-9 i let my gaze drop down to his clothes he's in scrubs and i absolutely hate that he's in scrubs right now holy hell so much better than the odyssey and way better than the burberry why did you knock on 29 doors i asked with a tilt of my head you never told me which apartment was yours he says mata factly you said you lived in this building but i couldn't remember if you even said which floor and for the record i almost started with the third floor i would have been here an hour ago if i went with my gut instinct why are you here he runs his hands down his face and then points over my shoulder can i come in i glance over my shoulder and then open the door father i guess if you tell me what you want he walks inside and i close the door behind us he glances around wearing his stupid hot scrubs and puts his hands on his hips as he faces me he looks a little disappointed but i'm not sure if it's in me or himself there's a really big naked truth coming okay he says brace yourself i fold my arms over my chest and watch as he inhales a breath preparing to speak these next couple of months are the most important months in my entire career i have to be focused i'm closing in on the end of my residency and then i'll have to sit for my exams he's pacing my living room talking frantically with his hands but for the past week i haven't been able to get you out of my head i don't know why at work at home all i can think about is how crazy it feels when i'm near you and i need you to make it stop lilly he stops pacing and faces me please make it stop just once that's all it'll take i swear my fingers are digging into the skin of my arms as i watch him he's still panting a little and his eyes are still frantic but he's looking at me pleadingly when is the last time you've had sleep i ask him he rolls his eyes like he's frustrated that i'm not getting it i just got off a 48 hour shift he says dismissively focus lilly i nod and replay his words in my head if i didn't know better i'd almost think he was i inhale a calming breath while i say carefully did you seriously just knock on 29 doors so you could tell me that the thought of me is making your life hell and i should have sex with you so that you'll never have to think of me again are you kidding me right now he folds his lips together and after about five seconds of thought he slowly knocks his head well yeah but it sounds way worse when you say it i release an exasperated laugh that's because it's ridiculous while he bites his bottom lip and looks around the room like he suddenly wants to escape i open the door and motion for him to walk out he doesn't his eyes fall to my foot your uncle looks good he says how does it feel i roll my eyes better i was able to help alyssa at the store for the first time today he nods and then makes like his walking toward the door to leave but as soon as he reaches me he spins toward me and slaps his palms against the door on either side of my head i gasp at both his proximity and his persistence please he says i shake my head even though my body is starting to trade sides and beg my mind to cave to him i'm really good at it lily he says with a grin you'll barely even have to do any work i try not to laugh but his determination is as endearing as it is annoying good night ryle his head drops between his shoulders and he shakes it back and forth he pushes off the door and stands up straight he half turns heading for the hallway but then suddenly drops to his knees in front of me he wraps his arms around my waist please lilly he says through self-deprecating laughter please have sex with me he's looking up at me with puppy dog eyes and a pathetic hopeful grin i want you so so bad and i swear once you have sex with me you'll never hear from me again i promise there's something about a neurosurgeon literally on his knees begging for sex that does me in that's pretty pathetic get up i say pushing his arms away from me you're embarrassing yourself he slowly stands up dragging his hands up the door on either side of me until he has me caged in between his arms is that a yes his chest is barely touching mine and i hate how good it feels to be wanted this much i should be turned off by it but i can hardly breathe when i look at him especially when he has this suggestive smile on his face i don't feel sexy right now while i worked all day i'm exhausted i smell like sweat and probably taste like dust if you give me a little while to shower first i might feel sexy enough to have sex with you he's nodding feverishly before i'm even finished speaking shower take all the time you need i'll wait i push him away from me and close the front door he follows me to the bedroom and i tell him to wait on the bed for me luckily i cleaned my bedroom last night normally i have clothes lying around everywhere books piled up on my nightstand shoes and bras that don't quite make it to my closet but tonight it's clean my bed is even made up complete with the ugly quilted throw pillows my grandmother passed down to every person in our family i make a quick glance around the room just to make sure nothing embarrassing will catch his eye he takes a seat on my bed and i watch as he scans the room i stand in the doorway to my bathroom and try to give him one last out you say this will make it stop but i'm warning you right now while i'm like a drug if you have sex with me tonight it's only going to make things worse for you but once is all you're getting i refuse to become one of the many girls you use to how did you word it that night satisfy your needs he leans back on his elbows you aren't that kind of girl lily and i'm not the kind of guy who needs someone more than once we have nothing to worry about i closed the door behind me wondering how in the hell this guy talked me into this it's the scrubs the scrubs are my weakness it has nothing to do with him i wonder if there's a way he could leave them on during the sex i've never taken more than half an hour to get ready but it's almost an hour before i'm finished in the bathroom i shaved more parts of me than was probably necessary and then spent a good 20 minutes having a freak out and had to talk myself out of opening the door and telling him to leave but now that my hair is dry and i'm cleaner than i've ever been i think i might be able to do this i can totally have a one night stand i'm 23 years old i open the door and he's still there on my bed i'm a little disappointed to see that his scrub top is on the floor but i don't see his pants so he must still be wearing them he's under the covers though so i can't tell i close the door behind me and wait for him to roll over and look at me but he doesn't i take a few steps closer and that's when i notice his snoring not just a light oh i just fell asleep snore it's a middle of rem sleep kind of snore well i whisper he doesn't even budge when i shake him you've got to be kidding me i drop down onto the bed not even caring if i wake him i just spent an entire hour getting ready for him after busting my ass today and this is how he treats this knight i can't be mad at him though especially seeing how peaceful he looks i can't imagine working a 48 hour shift plus my bed is really comfortable it's so comfortable it could make a person fall right back to sleep after a full night of rest i should have warned him about that i check the time on my phone and it's almost 10 30 pm i put the phone on silent and then lie down next to him his phone is on the pillow next to his head so i grab it and swipe up the camera option i hold his phone above us and make sure my cleavage looks good and pushed together i snap a picture so he'll at least see what he missed out on i turn off the light and laughter myself because i'm falling asleep next to a half naked man that's i've never even kissed i can feel his fingers trailing up my arm before i even open my eyes i force back a tired smile and pretend i'm still sleeping his fingers trail over my shoulder and stop at my collarbone just before they reach my neck i have a small tattoo there that i got in college it's a simple outline of a heart that's slightly open at the top i can feel his fingers circle around the tattoo and then he leans forward and presses his lips against it i squeeze my eyes shut even tighter lily he whispers wrapping an arm around my waist i moan a little trying to wake up and then roll onto my back so that i can look up at him when i open my eyes he's staring down at me i can tell by the way the sunlight shines through my windows and across his face that it's not even 7am yet i am the most despicable man you've ever met am i right i laugh i'm not a little pretty damn close he smiles and then brushes my hair off my face he leans forward and presses his lips to my forehead and i hate that he just did that now i'll be the one plagued with sleepless nights because i want to put this memory on repeat i have to go he says i'm really late but one i'm sorry two i'll never do this again this is the last you'll hear from me i promise and three i'm really sorry you have no idea i force a smile but i want to frown because i absolutely hated his number two i actually don't mind if he tries this again but then i remind myself that we want two different things from life and it's good that he fell asleep and we never even kissed because if i would have had sex with him while he was wearing scrubs i would have been the one showing up at his door on my knees begging for more this is good rip the band-aid off and let him leave have a nice life well i wish you all the success in the world he doesn't respond to my goodbye he silently stares down at me with somewhat of a frown and then says yeah you too lily then he rolls away from me and stands up i can't even look at him right now so i roll onto my site so that my back is to him i listen as he puts his shoes on and then reaches for his phone there's a long pause before he moves again and i know it's because he was staring at me i squeeze my eyes shut until i hear the slam of the front door my face immediately grows warm and i refuse to allow myself to mope i force myself off the bed i have work to do i can't be upset that i'm not enough to make a guy want to remap all of his life goals besides i have my own life goals to worry about now and i'm really excited about them so much so that i really don't have time for a guy in my life anyway no time nope busy girl here i am a brave and bold businesswoman with zero to give for men in scrubs chapter six it's been 53 days since roll walked out of my apartment that morning which means it's been 53 days since i've heard from him but that's okay because for the last 53 days i've been too busy to really give him much thought as i prepared for this moment ready alyssa says i nod and she flips the sign to open and we both hug and squeal like little kids we rush around the counter and wait for our first customer it's a soft opening so i haven't really done a marketing push yet but we just want to make sure there aren't any kinks before our grand opening it's really pretty in here alyssa says admiring our hard work i look around us bursting with pride of course i want to succeed but at this point i'm not even sure if that matters i had a dream and i busted my ass to make it come true whatever happens after today is just icing on the cake it smells so good in here i say i love this smell i don't know if we'll get any customers today but we're both acting like this is the best thing that's ever happened to us so i don't think that matters besides marshall will come in at some point today and my mother will come in after she gets off work that's two customers for sure that's plenty alyssa squeezes my arm when the front door begins to open i suddenly grow a little panicked because what if something goes wrong and then i do panic because something just went wrong terribly wrong my very first customer is none other than royal kincaid he stops when the door closes behind him and he looks around in awe what he says turning in a circle how in the he looks over at me and alyssa this is incredible it doesn't even look like the same building okay maybe i'm fine with him being the first customer it takes him a few minutes to actually make it to the counter because he can't stop touching things and looking at things when he finally does reach us alyssa runs around the counter and hugs him isn't it beautiful she says she waves her hand in my direction it was all her idea all of it i just helped with the dirty work while laughs i find it hard to believe that your pinterest skills didn't play a little part i'm not she's being modest her skills were half of what brought this vision to life while smiles at me and it might as well have been a knife to the chest because ouch he slaps his hands on the counter and says am i the first official customer alyssa hands him one of our flyers you have to actually buy something to be considered a customer while glances over the flyer and then sets it back down on the counter he walks to one of the displays and grabs a vase full of purple lilies i want these he says setting them on the counter i smile wondering if he realizes he just picked lilies kind of ironic do you want us to deliver them somewhere alyssa says you guys deliver alyssa and i don't i reply we have a delivery driver on standby we weren't sure if we'd actually need him today are you actually buying these for a girl alyssa asks she's just prying into her brother's love life like a sister would naturally do but i catch myself stepping closer to her so i can hear his answer better i am he says his eyes meet mine and he adds i don't think about her very much though hardly ever alyssa grabs a card and slides it to him poor girl she says you are such a dick she taps her finger on the card write your message to her on the front and the address you want them delivered to on the back i watch him as he bends over the card and writes on both sides i know i don't have a right but i'm brimming with jealousy are you bringing this girl to my birthday party friday alyssa asks him i watch his reaction closely he just shakes his head and without looking up he says no are you going lily i can't tell by his voice alone if he's hoping i'll be there or hoping i won't considering the stress i seem to cause him i'm guessing it's the latter i haven't decided yet she'll be there alyssa says answering for me she looks at me and narrows her eyes you're coming to my party whether you like it or not if you don't show up i'll quit when ryle is finished writing he tucks the card into the envelope attached to the flowers alyssa rings up his total and he pays in cash he looks at me while he's counting out his money lily do you know that it's custom for a new business to frame the first dollar they make i not of course i know that he knows i know that he's just rubbing it in my face that his dollar will be the one framed on my wall for the life of this store i almost encourage elissa to give him a refund but this is business i have to leave my wounded pride out of it once he has his receipt in hand he taps his fist on the counter to get my attention he dips his head a little and with a genuine smile he says congratulations lily he turns and walks out of the store as soon as the door closes behind him alyssa is grabbing for the envelope who in the hell is he sending flowers to she says as she pulls the card out raul doesn't send flowers she reads the front of the card out loud make it stop holy she stares at it for a moment repeating the phrase make it stop what in the hell does that even mean she asks i can't take it another second i grabbed the card from her and flip it over she leans over and reads the back of it with me he is such an idiot she says with a laugh he wrote the address to our floral shop on the back she takes the card out of my hands wow wild just bought me flowers not just any flower he bought me a bouquet of lilies alyssa picks up her phone i'll text him and tell him he's screwed up she sheets him a text and then laughs as she stares at the flowers how can a neurosurgeon be such an idiot i can't stop grinning i'm relieved she's staring at the flowers and not at me or she may put two and two together i'll keep them in my office until we figure out where he intended for them to go i scoop up the vars and whisk away my flowers chapter 7 stop fidgeting davin says i'm not fidgeting he loops his arm through mine as he walks me toward the elevator yes you are and if you pull that top up over your cleavage one more time it'll defeat the whole purpose of your little black dress he grabs my top and yanks it back down and then proceeds to reach inside to adjust my bra devin i slap his hand away and he laughs relax lily i've touched way better boobs than yours and i'm still gay yeah but i bet those boobs were attached to people you probably hang out with more than once every six months devin laughs true but that's half your fault you're the one who left us high and dry to play with flowers devin was one of my favorite people at the marketing firm i worked at but we weren't close enough to where we actively became friends outside of work he stopped by the floral shop this afternoon and alyssa took to him almost immediately she begged him to come to the party with me and since i didn't really want to show up alone i ended up begging him to come too i smoothed my hands over my hair and tried to catch a glimpse of my reflection in the elevator walls why are you so nervous he asks i'm not nervous i just hate showing up to places where i don't know anyone devin smirks knowingly and then says what's his name i release a pent-up breath am i that transparent well he's a neurosurgeon and he wants to have sex with me really really bad how do you know he wants to have sex with you because he literally got down on his knees and said please lily please have sex with me devin raises an eyebrow he begged i nod it wasn't as pathetic as it sounds he's usually more composed the elevator dings and the doors begin to open i can hear music pouring from down the hallway devin takes both of my hands in his and says so what's the plan do i need to make this guy jealous no i say shaking my head that wouldn't be right but while does make it a point every time he sees me to tell me he hopes he never sees me again maybe just a little i say scrunching up my nose a smidge devin pops his jaw and says consider it done he puts his hand on my lower back as he walks me out of the elevator there's only one visible door in the hallway so we make our way over and ring the doorbell why is there only one door he says she owns the whole top floor he chuckles and she works for you damn your life just keeps getting more and more interesting the door begins to open and i'm extremely relieved to see alyssa standing in front of me there's music and laughter pouring out of the apartment behind her she's holding a champagne glass in one hand and a riding crop in the other she sees me staring at the riding crop with a confused look on my face so she tosses it over her shoulder and grabs my hand it's a long story she says laughing come in come in she pulls me in and i squeeze davin's hand and drag him behind me she continues pulling us through a crowd of people until we reach the other side of the living room hey she says tugging on marshall's arm he turns around and smiles at me then pulls me in for a hug i glance behind him and around us but there's no sign of while maybe i got lucky and he got called into work tonight marshall reaches out for davin's hand and shakes it hey man good to meet you devin wraps an arm around my waist i'm devin he yells over the music i'm lilly's sexual partner i laugh and elbow him then lean into his ear that's marshall wrong guy but nice effort alyssa grabs my arm and starts to pull me away from devin marshall begins speaking to him and my hand is reaching out behind me as i'm being pulled in the opposite direction you'll be fine devin yells i follow alyssa into the kitchen where she shoves a glass of champagne in my hand drink she says you deserve it i take a sip of the champagne but i can't even appreciate it now that i'm getting a look at her industrial sized kitchen with two full stove tops and a fridge bigger than my apartment holy i whisper you actually live here she giggles i know she says and to think i didn't even have to marry him for money marshall had seven bucks and drove a ford pinto when i fell in love with him doesn't he still drive a ford pinto she sighs yeah but we have a lot of good memories in that car gross she wiggles her eyebrows so devin is cute and probably more into marshall than me ah man she says that's a bummer i thought i was playing matchmaker when i invited him to the party tonight the kitchen door opens and devin walks in your husband is looking for you he says to alyssa she twirls her way out of the kitchen giggling the whole time i really like her devin says she's great huh he leans against the island and says so i think i just met the beggar my heart flutters down my chest i think the neurosurgeon has a better ring to it i take another sip of my champagne how do you know it was him did he introduce himself he shakes his head nah but he overheard marshall introducing me to someone as lily's date i thought the look he gave me was going to set me on fire that's why i came in here i like you but i'm not willing to die for you i laugh don't worry i'm sure that death glare he gave you was really his smile they're superimposed most of the time the door swings open again and i immediately stiffen but it's only a caterer i sigh with relief devin says lily like my name is a disappointment what look like you're about to puke he says accusingly you really like him i roll my eyes but then i let my shoulders drop and i fake cry i do divine i do i just don't want to he takes my glass of champagne and downs the remainder of it then locks his arm in mine again let's go mingle he says pulling me out of the kitchen against my will the room is even more crowded now there have to be more than a hundred people here i'm not even sure i know that many people we walk around and work the room i stand back while davin does most of the talking he knows someone in common with every person he's met so far and after about half an hour of following him around i'm convinced he's made it a personal game to find someone in common with everyone here the whole time i mingle with him my attention is half on him and half on the room searching for traces of ryle i don't see him anywhere and i begin to wonder if the guy de vinci was even royal to begin with well that's odd a woman says what do you suppose it is i look up and see that she's staring at a piece of art on the wall it looks like a photograph blown up on canvas i tilt my head to inspect it the woman turns her nose up and says i don't know why anyone would bother turning the photograph into wall art it's awful it's so blurry you can't even tell what it is she walks away in a huff and i'm relieved i mean it's a bit weird but who am i to judge alyssa's taste what do you think his voice is low deep and right behind me i close my eyes briefly and inhale a steadying breath before quietly exhaling hoping he doesn't notice his voice has any effect on me whatsoever i like it i'm not quite sure what it is but it's interesting your sister has good taste he steps around me so that he's at my side facing me he takes a step closer until he's so close he brushes my arm you brought a date he's asking it like it's a casual question but i know it isn't when i fail to respond he leans in until his whispering in my ear he repeats himself but this time it isn't a question you brought a date i find the courage to look over at him and instantly wish i hadn't he's in a black suit that makes the scrubs look like child's play first i swallow the unexpected lump in my throat and then i say is it a problem that i brought a date i look away from him and back at the photograph hanging on the wall i was trying to make things easier on you you know just trying to make it stop he smacks and then downs the rest of his wine how thoughtful of you lily he tosses his empty wine glass toward a trash can in the corner of the room he makes the shot but the glass shatters when it hits the bottom of the empty container i glance around me but no one saw what just happened when i look back at ryle he's halfway down a hallway he disappears into a room and i stand here looking at the picture again that's when i see it the picture is blurred so it was hard to make out at first but i can recognize that hair from anywhere that's my hair it's hard to miss along with the marine grade polymer lounge chair i'm lying on this is the picture he took on the rooftop the first night we met he must have had it blown up and distorted so no one would notice what it was i bring my hand to my neck because my blood feels like it's bubbling it's really warm in here alyssa appears at my side it's weird huh she says looking at the picture i scratch at my chest it's really hot in here i say don't you think she glances around the room is it i hadn't noticed but i'm a little drunk i'll tell marshall to turn on the air she disappears again and the more i stare at the picture the angrier i get the man has a picture of me hanging in the apartment he bought me flowers he's giving me attitude because i brought a date to his sister's party he's acting like there's actually something between us and we've never even kissed it all hits me at once the anger the irritation the half glass of champagne i had in the kitchen i'm so mad i can't even think straight if the guy wants to have sex with me so bad he shouldn't have fallen asleep if he doesn't want me to swoon he shouldn't buy me flowers he shouldn't hang cryptic pictures of me where he lives all i want is fresh air i need fresh air luckily i know just where to find it moments later i burst through the door to the rooftop there are stragglers from the party up here three of them seated on the patio furniture i ignore them and walk to the ledge with the good view and lean over it i suck in several deep breaths and try to calm myself down i want to go downstairs and tell him to make up his damn mind but i know i need to have a clear head before i do that the air is cold and for some reason i blame that on ryle everything is his fault tonight all of it wars famine gun violence it all somehow links back to ryle can we have a few minutes alone i spin around and ryle is standing near the other guests immediately all three of them nod and begin to stand up to give us privacy i hold up my hands and say wait but none of them look at me it's not necessary really you don't have to leave while stands stoically with his hands in his pockets while one of the guests mutters it's fine we don't mind they begin to file back down the stairwell i roll my eyes and spin back toward the ledge once i'm alone with him does everyone always do what you say i ask irritated he doesn't respond his footsteps are slow and deliberate as he closes in on me my heart begins to beat like it's on a speed date and i start scratching at my chest again lily he says from behind me i turn around and grip the ledge behind me with both hands his eyes journey down to my cleavage as soon as they do i yank at the top of my dress so he can't see it and then i grip the ledge again he laughs and takes another step closer we're almost touching now and my brain is mush it's pathetic i'm pathetic i feel like you have a lot to say he says so i'd like to give you the opportunity to speak your naked truth ha i say with a laugh are you sure about that he nods so i prepare to let him have it i push against his chest and make my way around him so that he's the one leaning against the ledge now i can't tell what you want rile and every time i get to the point where i start to not give a you show up again out of the blue you show up at my work you show up at my apartment door you show up at parties you i live here he says excusing the last one that pisses me off even more i clench my fists ah you're driving me crazy do you want me or do you not he stands up straight and takes a step toward me oh i want you lily make no mistake about that i just don't want to want you my whole body size at that comment partly out of frustration and partly because everything he says makes me shiver and i hate that i allow him to make me feel like this i shake my head you don't get it do you i say softening my voice i feel too defeated right now to keep yelling at him i like you while and knowing that you only want me for one night makes me really really sad and maybe if this were a few months ago we could have had sex and it would have been fine you would have walked away and i could have easily moved on with my life but it's not a few months ago you waited too long and too many pieces of me are invested in you now so please stop flirting with me stop hanging pictures of me in your apartment and stop sending me flowers because when you do those things it doesn't feel good well it actually kind of hurts i feel deflated and exhausted and i'm ready to leave he regards me silently and i respectfully give him time to make his rebuttal but he doesn't he just turns around leans over the ledge and stares down at the street like he didn't hear a single word i said i walk across the roof and open the door half expecting him to call out my name or ask me not to leave i get all the way back to the apartment before i finally lose all hope of that happening i push through the crowd and make it through three different rooms before i spot davin when he sees the look on my face he just nods and begins to make his way across the room toward me ready to go he asks looping his arm through mine i not yes so ready we find alyssa in the main living room i tell her and marshall good night using the excuse that i'm just exhausted from opening week and i'd like to get some sleep before work tomorrow alyssa gives me a hug and walks us to the front door i'll be back on monday she says to me kissing me on the cheek happy birthday i say to her devin opens the door but right before we step into the hallway i hear someone yell my name i turn around and rile is pushing through the crowd on the other side of the room lily wait he yells still trying to make his way over to me my heart is erratic he's walking quickly stepping around people growing more frustrated with every person in his way he finally reaches a break in the crowd and makes eye contact with me again he holds my gaze as he marches toward me he doesn't slow down alyssa has to step out of his way as he walks straight up to me at first i think he might kiss me or at least give a rebuttal to everything i said to him upstairs but instead he does something i'm not at all prepared for he scoops me up into his arms ryle i yell gripping him around the neck afraid he might drop me put me down he has an arm wrapped under my legs and one under my back i need to borrow lily for the night he says to davin that's okay i look at devin and shake my head why died devin just smacks and says be my guest traitor while starts to turn and walk back toward the living room i look at alyssa as i pass her her eyes are wide with confusion i'm going to kill your brother i yell at her everyone in the entire room is staring now i'm so embarrassed i just press my face against ryle's chest as he walks me down the hallway and into his bedroom once the door is shut behind us he slowly lowers my feet back to the floor i immediately start to yell at him and try to push him out of the way of the bedroom door but he spins me and shoves me against the door grabbing both of my wrists he presses them against the wall above my head and says lily he's looking at me so intently i stopped trying to fight him off of me and i hold my breath his chest is pressing against mine my back is pressed to the door and then his mouth is on mine warm pressure against my lips despite the strength behind them his lips are like silk i'm shocked at the moment that rushes through me and even more shocked when i part my lips and want more his tongue slides against mine and he releases my wrists to grab my face his kiss grows deeper and i grasp at his hair pulling him closer feeling the kiss in my entire body both of us become a medley of moans and gasps as the kiss brings us over the edge our bodies wanting more than our mouths can deliver i feel his hands as he reaches down and grabs my legs lifting me up and hooking them around his waist my god this man can kiss it's as if he takes kissing as seriously as he takes his profession he begins to pull me away from the door when i'm hit with the realization that yes his mouth is capable of a lot but what his mouth has failed to do is respond to everything i told him upstairs for all i know i've just given in i'm giving him what he wants a one night stand and that's the last thing he deserves right now i pull my mouth from his and push on his shoulders put me down he keeps walking toward his bed so i say it again while put me down right now he stops walking and lowers me to the floor i have to back away and face the other direction to gather my thoughts looking at him while i still feel his lips on mine is more than i can deal with right now i feel his arms go around my waist and he rests his head on my shoulder i'm sorry he whispers he turns me around and brings a hand up to my face and brushes his thumb across my cheek it's my turn now okay i don't respond to his touch i keep my arms folded across my chest and wait to hear what he has to say before i allow myself to respond to his touch i had that picture made the day after i took it he says it's been in my apartment for months now because you were the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen and i wanted to look at it every single day oh and that night i showed up at your door i went searching for you because no one in the history of my life has ever called under my skin and refused to leave like you did i didn't know how to handle it and the reason i sent you flowers this week is because i am really really proud of you for following your dream but if i sent you flowers every time i've had the urge to send you flowers you wouldn't even be able to fit inside your apartment because that's how much i think about you and yes lily you're right i'm hurting you but i'm hurting too and until tonight i didn't know why i have no idea how i even possibly find the strength to speak after that why are you hurting he drops his forehead to mine and says because i have no idea what i'm doing you make me want to be a different person but what if i don't know how to be what you need this is all new to me and i want to prove to you that i want you for so much more than just one night he looks so vulnerable right now i want to believe the genuine look in his eye but he's been so adamant since the day that i met him that he wants the exact opposite of what i want and it terrifies me that i'll give in to him and he'll walk away how do i prove myself to you lily tell me and i'll do it i don't know i barely know the guy i know him enough to know that sex with him won't be enough for me though but how do i know sex won't be the only thing he wants my eyes instantly lock with his don't have sex with me he stares at me for a moment completely unreadable but then he starts to nod his head like he's finally getting it okay he says still nodding okay i will not have sex with you lily bloom he walks around me to his bedroom door and he locks it he flips off the light leaving only a lamp on and then takes off his shirt as he walks toward me what are you doing he tosses his shirt on a chair and then slips off his shoes we're going to sleep i glance at his bed then at him right now he nods and walks over to me in one swift movement he lifts my dress up and over my head until i'm standing in the middle of his bedroom floor in my bra and panties i cover myself but he doesn't even look twice he pulls me toward the bed and lifts the covers for me to crawl in as his walking over to his side of the bed he says it's not like we haven't slept together before without having sex piece of cake i laugh he reaches his dresser and plugs his phone into a charger i take a moment to skim his bedroom this certainly isn't the type of spare bedroom i'm used to three of my bedrooms could fit in here there's a couch against the other wall a chair facing a television and a full office off the bedroom that looks complete with a floor-to-ceiling library i'm still trying to see everything around me when the lamp goes off your sister is really rich i say as i feel him pull the covers over both of us what the hell does she do with the 10 bucks in our i pay her wipe her ass with it he laughs and grabs my hand sliding his fingers through mine she probably doesn't even cash the checks he says have you ever checked i haven't now i'm curious good night lily he says i can't stop smiling because this is kind of ridiculous and so great good night ryle i think i might be lost everything is so white and so clean it's blinding i shuffle through one of the living rooms and try to find my way to the kitchen i have no idea where my dress ended up last night so i pulled on one of ryle's shirts it falls past my knees and i wonder if he has to buy shirts that are too big for him just so they'll fit his arms there are too many windows and way too much sun so i'm forced to shield my eyes as i go in search of coffee i push through the kitchen doors and find a coffee maker thank you jesus i set it to brew and then go in search for a mug when the kitchen door opens behind me i spin around and i'm relieved to see that alissa isn't always a perfect concoction of makeup and jewelry her hair is in a messy top knot and mascara is smeared down her cheeks she points at the coffee maker i'm gonna need me some of that she says she pulls herself up on the island and then slouches forward can i ask you a question i say she barely has the energy to nod i wave my hand around the kitchen how did this happen how in the hell did your entire house become spotless between the party last night and me waking up just now did you stay up and clean she laughs we have people for that she says people she nods yep there are people for everything she says you'd be surprised think of something anything we probably have people for it groceries people she says christmas decal she nods people for that too what about birthday gifts like for family members she grins yep people everyone in my family receives a gift in a card for every occasion and i never have to lift a finger i shake my head wow how long have you been this rich three years she says marshall sold a few apps he developed to apple for a lot of money every six months he creates updates and sells those too the coffee transitions into a slow drip so i grab a mug and fill it up you want anything in yours i ask or do you have people for that she laughs yes i have you and i'd like sugar please i stir some sugar into her cup and walk it over to her then pour myself a cup it grows quiet for a while as i mix in creamer waiting for her to say something about me and ryle the conversation is inevitable can we just get the awkwardness out of the way she says i sigh relieved please i hate this i face her and take a sip of my coffee she sets hers down beside her and then grips the countertop how did that even happen i shake my head trying my best not to smile like i'm lovestruck i don't want her to think i'm weak or a full forgiving into him we met before i knew you she tilts her head wait she says before we got to know each other better or before we knew each other at all at all i say we had a moment one night about six months before i met you a moment she says as in the one night stand no i say no we never even kissed until last night i don't know i can't explain it we just had this sort of flirtation thing going on for a really long time and it finally came to a head last night that's all she picks up her coffee again and takes a slow drink from it she stares down at the floor for a while and i can't help but notice she looks a little sad alyssa you're not mad at me are you she immediately shakes her head no lily i just she sets down her coffee cup again i just know my brother and i love him i really do but but what alyssa and i both look in the direction of the voice while is standing in the doorway with his arms folded across his chest he's wearing a pair of grey jogging pants that are barely hanging onto his hips no shirt i'll be adding this outfit to all the other ones i've cataloged in my head while pushes off the door and makes his way into the kitchen he walks over to me and takes my cup of coffee out of my hands he leans in and kisses me on the forehead then takes a drink as he leans against the counter i didn't mean to interrupt he says to alyssa by all means continue your conversation alyssa rolls her eyes and says stop he hands me back my cup of coffee and turns around to grab his own mug he begins to pour from the pot it sounded to me like you were about to give lily a warning i'm just curious as to what you have to say alyssa hops off the counter and carries her mug to the sink she's my friend while you don't have the best track record when it comes to relationships she washes out the mug and then leans her hip into the sink facing us as her friend i have the right to give her my opinion when it comes to the guys she dates that's what friends do i'm suddenly feeling uncomfortable as the tension grows thicker between the two of them while doesn't even take a drink of his coffee he walks toward alyssa and pulls it out in the sink he's standing right in front of her but she won't even look at him well as your brother i would hope you had a little more faith in me than you do that's what siblings do he walks out of the kitchen shoving the door open when he's gone alyssa takes a deep breath she shakes her head and pulls her hands up to her face sorry about that she says forcing a smile i need to shower you don't have people for that she laughs as she exits the kitchen i wash my mug in the sink and head back to rile's bedroom when i open the door he's sitting on the couch scrolling through his phone he doesn't look up at me when i walk in and for a second i think he might be mad at me too but then he tosses his phone aside and leans back into the couch come here he says he grabs my hand and pulls me down on top of him so that i'm straddling him he brings my mouth to his and kisses me so hard it makes me wonder if he's trying to prove his sister wrong while pulls away from my mouth and slowly rakes his eyes down my body i like you in my clothes i smile well i have to get to work so unfortunately i can't keep them on he brushes the hair from my face and says i have a really important surgery coming up that i need to prepare for which means i probably won't see you for a few days i try to hide my disappointment but i have to get used to it if he really wants to try and make something work between us he's already warned me that he works too much i'm busy too grand opening is on friday he says oh i'll see you before friday promise i don't hide my grin this time okay he kisses me again this time for a solid minute he starts to lower me to the couch but then he shoves away from me and says nope i like you too much to make out with you i lie down on the couch and watch him get dressed for work to my enjoyment he puts on scrubs chapter eight we need to talk lucy says she's sitting on the couch mascara streaked down her cheeks oh i dropped my purse and rush over to her as soon as i sit down next to her she starts crying what's wrong did alex break up with you she starts shaking her head and then i really start freaking out please don't say cancer i grab her hand and that's when i see it lucy you're engaged she nods i'm sorry i know we still have six months left on the lease but he wants me to move in with him i stare at her for a minute is that why she's crying because she wants out of her lease she reaches for a tissue and starts dabbing at her eyes i feel awful lily you're going to be all alone i'm moving and you won't have anyone what the lucy um i'll be fine i promise she looks up at me with hope in her expression really why in the world does she have this impression of me i nod again yes i'm not mad i'm happy for you she throws her arms around me and hugs me oh thank you lily she starts giggling in between bouts of tears when she releases me she jumps up and says i have to go tell alex he was so worried you wouldn't let me out of my lease she grabs her purse and shoes and disappears out the front door i lie back on the couch and stare up at the ceiling did she just play me i start laughing because until this moment i had no idea how much i've been waiting for this to happen the whole place to myself what's even better is when i do decide to have sex with ryle we can have it over here all the time and not have to worry about being quiet the last time i spoke to ryle was when i left his apartment on saturday we agreed on a trial run no commitments yet just a relationship feeler to see if it's something we both want it's now monday night and i'm a little disappointed i haven't heard from him i gave him my phone number before we parted saturday but i don't really know texting etiquette especially for trial runs regardless i'm not texting him first i decide to occupy my time with teenage angst and ellen degeneres instead i'm not about to wait around to be beckoned by a guy i'm not even having sex with but i don't know why i assume that reading about the first guy i had sex with will somehow get my mind off the guy i'm not having sex with dear ellen my great grandfather's name is ellis my entire life i thought that was a really cool name for such an old guy after he died i was reading the obituary would you believe that ellis wasn't even his real name his real name was levi samson and i had no idea i asked my grandmother where the name ellis came from she said his initials were ls and everyone called him by his initials for so long they just started sounding them out over the years which is why they referred to him as ellis i was looking at your name just now and it made me think of that ellen is that even your real name you could be just like my great grandfather and using your initials as a disguise ellen i'm on to you ellen speaking of names do you think atlas is a weird name it is isn't it yesterday while i was watching your show with him i asked him where he got his name from he said he didn't know without even thinking i told him he should ask his mother why she named him that he just looked over at me for a second and said it's a little too late for that i don't know what he meant by that i don't know if his mom died or if she gave him up for adoption we've been friends for a few weeks now and i still don't really know anything about him or why he doesn't have a place to live i would just ask him but i'm not sure if he really trusts me yet he seems to have trust issues and i guess i can't blame him i'm worried about him it started getting really cold this week and it's supposed to be even colder next week if he doesn't have electricity that means he doesn't have a heater i hope he at least has blankets do you know how awful i would feel if he froze to death pretty freaking awful ellen i'll find some blankets this week and give them to him lily dear ellen it's going to start snowing soon so i decided to harvest my garden today i had already pulled the radishes so i just wanted to put some mulch and compost down which wouldn't have taken me long but atlas insisted on helping he asked me a lot of questions about gardening and i liked that he seemed interested in my interests i showed him how to lay the compost and mulch to cover the ground so that the snow wouldn't do too much damage my garden is small compared to most gardens maybe 10 feet by 12 feet but it's all my dad will let me use of the backyard atlas covered the whole thing while i sat cross-legged in the grass and watched him i wasn't being lazy he just took over and wanted to do it so i let him i can tell he's a hard worker i wonder if maybe keeping himself busy takes his mind off of things and that's why he always wants to help me so much when he was finished he walked over and dropped down next to me on the grass what made you want to grow things he asked i glanced over at him and he was sitting cross-legged looking at me curiously i realized in that moment that he's probably the best friend i've ever had and we barely know anything about each other i have friends at school but they're never allowed to come over to my house for obvious reasons my mother is always worried something might happen with my father and word might get out about his temper i also never really get to go to other people's houses but i'm not sure why maybe my father doesn't want me staying over at friends houses because i might witness how a good husband is supposed to treat his wife he probably wants me to believe the way he treats my mother is normal atlas is the first friend i've ever had that's ever been inside my house he's also the first friend to know how much i like to garden and now he's the first friend to ever ask me why i garden i reached down and pulled at a weed and started tearing it into little pieces while i thought about his question when i was 10 my mother got me a subscription to a website called seeds anonymous i said every month i would get an unmarked package of seeds in the mail with instructions on how to plant them and care for them i wouldn't know what i was growing until it came up out of the ground every day after school i'd run straight to the backyard to see the progress it gave me something to look forward to growing things felt like a reward i could feel atlas staring at me when he asked a reward for what i shrugged for loving my plants the right way plants reward you based on the amount of love you show them if you're cool to them or neglect them they give you nothing but if you care for them and love them the right way they reward you with gifts in the form of vegetables or fruits or flowers i looked down at the weed i was tearing apart in my hands and there was barely an inch left of it i wadded it up between my fingers and flicked it i didn't want to look over at atlas because i could still feel him staring so instead i just stared out over my mulch covered garden we're just alike he said my eyes flicked to his mia he shook his head no plants and humans plants need to be loved the right way in order to survive so do humans we rely on our parents from birth to love us enough to keep us alive and if our parents show us the right kind of love we turn out as better humans overall but if we're neglected his voice grew quiet almost sad he wiped his hands on his knees trying to get some of the dirt off if we're neglected we end up homeless and incapable of anything meaningful his words made my heart feel like the mulch he had just laid out i didn't even know what to say to that does he really think that about himself he acted like he was about to get up but before he did i said his name he sat back down in the grass i pointed at the row of trees that lined the fence to the left of the yard you see that tree over there in the middle of the row of trees was an oak tree that stood taller than all the rest of the trees atlas glanced over at it and dragged his eyes all the way up to the top of the tree it grew on its own i said most plants do need a lot of care to survive but some things like trees are strong enough to do it by just relying on themselves and nobody else i had no idea if he knew what i was trying to say without me coming out and saying it but i just wanted him to know that i thought he was strong enough to survive whatever was going on in his life i didn't know him well but i could tell he was resilient way more than i would ever be if i were in his situation his eyes were glued to the tree it was a long time before he even blinked when he finally did he just nodded a little and looked down at the grass i thought with the way his mouth twitched that he was about to frown but instead he actually smiled a little seeing that smile made my heart feel like i had just startled it right out of a dead sleep we're just alike he said repeating himself from earlier plants and humans i asked he shook his head no me and you i gasped ellen i hope he didn't notice but i definitely sucked in a rush of air because what the heck was i supposed to say to that i just sat there really awkward and quiet until he stood up he turned like he was about to walk home atlas wait he glanced back down at me i pointed at his hands and said you might want to take a quick shower before you go back compost is made from cow manure he lifted his hands and looked down at them and then he looked down at his compost covered clothes cow manuel seriously i grinned and nodded he laughed a little and then before i knew it he was on the ground next to me wiping his hands all over me we were both laughing as he reached to the bag next to us and stuck his hand inside then smeared it down my arms ellen i am confident that the next sentence i am about to write has never been written or spoken aloud before when he was wiping that cow on me it was quite possibly the most tandon i have ever been after a few minutes we were both lying on the ground breathing hard still laughing he finally stood up and pulled me to my feet knowing he couldn't waste minutes if he wanted a shower before my parents came home once he was in the shower i washed my hands in the sink and just stood there wondering what he meant earlier when he said we were just alike was it a compliment it sure felt like one was he saying that he thought i was strong too because i certainly didn't feel strong most of the time in that moment just thinking about him made me feel weak i wondered what i was going to do about the way i was starting to feel when i was around him i also wondered how long i can keep hiding him from my parents and how long he'll be staying at that house winters in maine are unbearably cold and he won't survive without a heater or blankets i gathered myself and went in search of all the spare blankets i could find i was going to give them to him when he got out of the shower but it was already five and he left in a hurry i'll give them to him tomorrow lily dear ellen harry connick jr is freaking hilarious i'm not sure if you've ever had him on your show because i hate to admit i've probably missed an episode or two since you've been on the air but if you've never had him you should actually have you ever watched late night with conan o'brien he has this guy named andy who sits on the couch for every episode i wish harry could sit on your couch for every episode he just has the best one-liners and the two of you to get dot her would be epic i just want to say thank you i know that you don't have a show on tv for the sole purpose of making me laugh but sometimes it feels that way sometimes my life just makes me feel like i've lost the ability to laugh or smile but then i turn on your show and no matter what mood i'm in when i turn on the tv i always feel better by the time your show is over so yeah thanks for that i know you probably want an update on atlas and i'll give you one in a second but first i need to tell you about what happened yesterday my mother is a teaching assistant over at brimmer elementary it's a bit of a drive and that's why she never gets home until around five o'clock my dad works two miles from here so he's always home right after five we have a garage but only one car can fit in it because of all my dad's stuff my dad keeps his car in the garage and my mom keeps her car in the driveway well yesterday my mom got home a little bit early atlas was still at the house and we were almost finished watching your show when i heard the garage door start to open he ran out the back door and i rushed around the living room cleaning up our soda cans and snacks it had started snowing really hard around lunchtime yesterday and my mother had a lot of stuff to carry in so she pulled up in the garage so she could bring it all in through the kitchen door it was work stuff and a few groceries i was helping her bring everything inside when my dad pulled up in the driveway he started honking his horn because he was mad that my mom was parked in the garage i guess he didn't want to have to get out of his car in the snow that's the only thing i can think of that would make him want her to move her car right then and there instead of just waiting until she was finished unloading it come to think of it why does my father always get the garage you would think a man wouldn't want the woman he loves to get the shittier parking spot anyway my mother got that real scared look in her eye when he started honking and she told me to take all her stuff to the table while she moved her car out i'm not sure what happened when she went back outside i heard a crash and then i heard her scream so i ran to the garage thinking maybe she had slipped on ice ellen i don't even want to describe what happened next i'm still a little shocked by the whole thing i opened the garage door and didn't see my mom i just saw my dad behind the car doing something i took a step closer and realized why i couldn't see my mom he had her pushed down on the hood with his hands around her throat he was choking her ellen i might cry just thinking about it he was yelling at her staring down at her with so much hatred something about not having respect for how hard he works i don't know why he was mad really because all i could hear was her silence while she struggled to breathe the next few minutes are a blur but i know i started screaming at him i jumped on his back and i was hitting him on the side of his head then i wasn't i don't really know what happened but i'm guessing he threw me off of him i just remembered one second i was on his back and the next second i was on the ground and my forehead hurt like you wouldn't believe my mom was sitting next to me holding my head and telling me she was sorry i looked around for my dad but he wasn't there he'd gotten into his car and drove off after i hit my head my mom gave me a rag and told me to hold it to my head because it was bleeding and then she helped me to her car and drove me to the hospital on the way there she only said one thing to me when they ask you what happened tell them you slipped on the ice when she said that i just looked out my window and started crying because i thought for sure this was the final straw that she would leave him now that he had hurt me that was the moment i realized that she'd never leave him i felt so defeated but i was too scared to say anything to her about it i had to get nine stitches in my forehead i'm still not sure what i hit my head on but it doesn't really matter the fact is my father was the reason i was hurt and he didn't even stay and check on me he just left us both there on the floor of the garage and left i got home really late last night and fell right to sleep because they had given me some kind of pain pill this morning when i walked to the bus i tried not to look directly at atlas so he wouldn't see my forehead i had fixed my hair so that you couldn't really see it and he didn't notice right away when we sat down next to each other on the bus our hands touched when we were putting our stuff on the floor his hands were like ice ellen ice that's when i realized that i forgot to give him the blankets i had pulled out for him yesterday because my mother got home sooner than i expected the incident in the garage sort of took over all my thoughts and i completely forgot about him it had snowed and iced all night and he had been over there at that house in the dark all by himself and now he was so cold i didn't know how he was even functioning i grabbed both of his hands in mine and said atlas you're freezing he didn't say anything i just started rubbing his hands in mind to warm them up i laid my head on his shoulder and then i did the most embarrassing thing i just started to cry i don't cry very much but i was still so upset by what happened yesterday and then i was feeling so guilty that i forgot to take him blankets and it all hit me right there on the right to school he didn't say anything he just pulled his hands from mine so i'd stop robbing them and then he laid his hands on top of mine we just sat there like that the whole ride to school with our heads leaned together and his hands on top of mine i might have thought it was sweet if it wasn't so sad on the ride home from school is when he finally noticed my head honestly i had forgotten about it no one at school even asked me about it and when he sat down next to me on the bus i wasn't even trying to hide it with my hair he looked right at me and said what happened to your head i didn't know what to say to him i just touched it with my fingers and then looked out the window i've been trying to get him to trust me more in hopes he would tell me why he doesn't have a place to live so i didn't want to lie to him i just didn't want to tell him the truth either when the bus started moving he said yesterday after i left your house i had something going on over there i heard yelling i heard you scream and then i saw your father leave i was going to come check on you to make sure everything was okay but as i was walking over i saw you leaving in the car with your mother he must have heard the fight in the garage and saw her leaving to take me to get the stitches i couldn't believe he came over to our house do you know what my dad would do to him if he saw him wearing his clothes i got so worried for him because i don't think he knows what my father is capable of i looked at him and said atlas you can't do that. you can't come to my house when my parents are home atlas got real quiet and then said i heard you scream lily he said it like me being in danger trump to anything else i felt bad because i know he was just trying to help but that would have made things so much worse i fell i said to him as soon as i said it i felt bad for lying and to be honest he looked a little disappointed in me because i think we both knew in that moment that it wasn't as simple as a fall then he pulled up the sleeve of his shirt and held out his arm ellen my stomach dropped it was so bad all over his arm he had these small scars some of the scars looked just like someone had stuck a cigarette to his arm and held it there he twisted his arm around so i could see that it was on the other side too i used to fall a lot too lily then he pulled his shirt sleeve down and didn't say anything else for a second i wanted to tell him it wasn't like that that my dad never hurts me and that he was just trying to get me off of him but then i realized i'd be using the same excuses my mom uses i felt a little embarrassed that he knows what goes on at my house i spent the whole rest of the bus ride looking out the window because i didn't know what to say to him when we got home my mom's car was there in the driveway of course not the garage that meant atlas couldn't come over and watch your show with me i was gonna tell him i would bring him blankets later but when he got off the bus he didn't even tell me by he just started walking down the street like he was mad it's dark now and i'm waiting on my parents to go to sleep but in a little while i'm gonna take him some blankets lily dear ellen i'm in way over my head do you ever do things you know are wrong but are somehow also right i don't know how to put it in simpler terms than that i mean i'm only 15 and i certainly shouldn't have boys spending the night in my bedroom but if a person knows someone needs a place to stay isn't it that person's responsibility as a human to help them last night after my parents went to sleep i snuck out the back door to take atlas those blankets i took a flashlight with me because it was dark it was still snowing really hard so by the time i made it to that house i was freezing i beat on the back door and as soon as he opened it i pushed past him to get out of the cold only i didn't get out of the cold somehow it felt even colder inside that old house i still had my flashlight on and i shined it around the living room and kitchen there wasn't anything in there ellen no couch no chair no mattress i handed the blankets off to him and kept looking around me there was a big hole in the roof over the kitchen and wind and snow were just pouring in when i shined my light around the living room i saw his stuff in one of the corners his backpack plus the backpack i'd given him there was a little pile of other stuff i'd given him like some of my dad's clothes and then there were two towels on the floor one i guess he laid on and one he covered up with i put my hand over my mouth because i was so horrified he'd been there living like that for weeks atlas put his hand on my back and tried to walk me back out the door you shouldn't be over here lily he said you could get in trouble that's when i grabbed his hand and said you shouldn't be here either i started to pull him out the front door with me but he yanked his hand back that's when i said you can sleep on my floor tonight i'll keep my bedroom door locked you can't sleep here atlas it's too cold and you'll get pneumonia and die he looked like he didn't know what to do i'm sure the thought of being caught in my bedroom was just as scary as getting pneumonia and dying he looked back at his spot in the living room and then he just nodded his head once and said okay so you tell me ellen was i wrong letting him sleep in my room last night it doesn't feel wrong it felt like the right thing to do but i sure would get in a lot of trouble if we had been caught he slept on the floor so it's not like it was anything more than me just giving him somewhere warm to sleep i did learn a little more about him last night after i snuck him in the back door into my room i locked my door and made a pallet for him on the floor next to my bed i set the alarm for 6 am and told him he'd have to get up and leave before my parents woke up since sometimes my mom wakes me up in the mornings i called in my bed and scooted over to the edge of it so i could look down at him while we talked for a little while i asked him how long he thought he might stay there and he said he didn't know that's when i asked him how he ended up there my lamp was still on and we were whispering but he got real quiet when i said that he just stared up at me with his hands behind his head for a moment then he said i don't know my real dad he never had anything to do with me it's always just been me and my mom but she got remarried about five years ago to a guy who never really liked me much we fought at lot when i turned 18 a few months ago we got in a big fight and he kicked me out of the house he took a deep breath like he didn't want to tell me anymore but then he started talking again i've been staying with a friend of mine and his family since then but his dad got a transfer to colorado and they moved they couldn't take me with them of course his parents were just being nice by letting me stay with them and i knew that so i told them i talked to my mom and that i was moving back home the day they left i didn't have anywhere to go so i went back home and told my mum i'd like to move back in until i graduated she wouldn't let me said it would upset my stepfather he turned his head and looked at the wall so i just wandered around for a few days until i saw that house figured i would just stay there until something better came along or until i graduated i'm signed up to go to the marines come may so i'm just trying to hang on until then may is six months away ellen six i had tears in my eyes when he finished telling me all that i asked him why he didn't just ask someone if they could help him he said he tried but it's harder for an adult than a kid and he's already 18. he said someone gave him a number for some shelters who might help him there were three shelters in a 20-mile radius of our town but two of them were for battered women the other one was a homeless shelter but they only had a few beds and it was too far away for him to walk there if he wanted to go to school every day plus you have to wait in a long line to try and get a bed he said he tried it once but he feels safer in that old house than he did at the shelter like the naive girl i am when it comes to situations like his i said but aren't there other options can't you just tell the school counselor what your mom did he shook his head and said he's too old for foster care he's 18 so his mother can't get in trouble for not allowing him to go back home he said he called about getting food stamps last week but he didn't have a ride or money to get to his appointment not to mention he doesn't have a car so he can't very well find a job he said he's been looking though after he leaves my house in the afternoons he goes and applies at places but he doesn't have an address or a phone number to put down on the application so that makes it harder for him i swear ellen every question i threw at him he had an answer for it's like he's tried everything not to be stuck in the situation he's in but there isn't enough help out there for people like him i got so mad at his whole situation i told him he was crazy for wanting to go into the military i wasn't so much whispering when i said why in the heck would you want to serve a country that has allowed you to end up in this kind of situation you know what he said next ellen his eyes grew sad and he said it's not this country's fault my mother doesn't give a about me then he reached up and turned off my lamp good night lily he said i didn't sleep much after that i was too mad i'm not even sure who i'm mad at i just kept thinking about our country and the whole world and how screwed up it is that people don't do more for each other i don't know when humans started only looking out for themselves maybe it's always been this way it made me wonder how many people out there were just like atlas it made me wonder if there were other kids at our school who might be homeless i go to school every day and internally complain about it most of the time but i've never once thought that school might be the only home some kids have it's the only place atlas can go and know he'll have food i'll never be able to respect rich people now knowing they willingly choose to spend their money on materialistic things rather than using it to help other people no offence ellen i know you're rich but i guess i'm not referring to people like you i've seen all the stuff you've done for others on your show and all the charities you support but i know there are a lot of rich people out there who are selfish hell there are even selfish poor people and selfish middle class people look at my parents we aren't rich but we certainly aren't too poor to help other people yet i don't think my dad has ever done anything for a charity i remember one time we were walking into a grocery store and an old man was ringing a bell for the salvation army i asked my dad if we could give him some money and he told me no that he works hard for his money and he wasn't about to let me give it away he said it isn't his fault that other people don't want to work he spent the whole time we were in the grocery store telling me about how people take advantage of the government and until the government stops helping those people by giving them handouts the problem won't ever go away ellen i believed him that was three years ago and all this time i thought homeless people were homeless because they were lazy or drug addicts or just didn't want to work like other people but now i know that's not true sure some of what he said was true to an extent but he was using the worst case scenarios not everyone is homeless because they choose to be they are homeless because there isn't enough help to go around and people like my father are the problem instead of helping others people use the worst case scenarios to excuse their own selfishness and greed i'll never be like that i swear to you when i grow up i'm going to do everything i can to help other people i'll be like you ellen just probably not as rich lily chapter nine i dropped the journal on my chest i'm surprised to feel tears running down my cheeks every time i pick up this journal i think i'll be fine but it all happened so long ago and i won't still feel what i felt back then i'm such a sap it gives me this longing to hug so many people from my past especially my mother because for the past year i haven't really thought about everything she had to go through before my father died i know it probably still hurts her i grab my phone to call her and look at the screen there are four missed texts from ryle my heart immediately skips i can't believe i had it on silent then i roll my eyes annoyed with myself because i should not be this excited while are you asleep well i guess so ryle lilly rile the sad face was sent 10 minutes ago i hit reply and type note not asleep about 10 seconds later i get another text well good i'm walking up your stairs right now be there in 20 seconds i go in and jump out of bed i go to the bathroom and check my face good enough i run to the front door and open it as soon as roll makes it up the stairwell he practically drags himself up the top step and then stops to rest when he finally reaches my door he looks so tired his eyes are red and there are dark circles under them his arms slip around my waist and he pulls me to him burying his face in my neck you smell so good he says i pull him inside the apartment are you hungry i can make you something to eat he shakes his head as he wrestles out of his jacket so i skipped the kitchen and head for the bedroom he follows me and then throws his jacket over the back of the chair he kicks off his shoes and pushes them against the wall he's wearing scrubs you look exhausted i say he smiles and puts his hands on my hips i am i just assisted in an 18-hour surgery he bends down and kisses the heart tattoo on my collarbone no wonder he's exhausted how is that even possible i say 18 hours he nods and then walks me to the side of the bed where he pulls me down next to him we adjust ourselves until we're facing each other sharing a pillow yeah but it was amazing groundbreaking they'll write about it in medical journals and i got to be there so i'm not complaining i'm just really tired i lean in and give him a peck on the mouth he brings his hand to the side of my head and pulls back i know you're probably ready to have hot sweaty sex but i don't have the energy tonight i'm sorry but i've missed you and for some reason i sleep better when i sleep next to you is it okay that i'm here i smile it's more than okay he leans in and kisses my forehead he grabs my hand and then holds it between us on the pillow his eyes close but i keep mine open and stare at him he has the type of face that people shy away from because you could get lost in it and to think i get to look at this face all the time i don't have to be modest and look away because he's mine maybe this is a trial run i have to remember that after a minute he releases my hand and begins to flex his fingers i look down at his hand and wonder what that must be like to have to stand for so long and use your fine motor skills for 18 hours straight i can't think of much else that would match that level of exhaustion i slide out of the bed and retrieve some lotion out of my bathroom i go back to the bed and sit cross-legged next to him i squirt some lotion on my hand and then pull his arm to my lap he opens his eyes and looks up at me what are you doing he mumbles sure go back to sleep i say i press my thumbs into the palm of his hand and rotate them upward and then out his eyes fall shut and he groans into the pillow i continue massaging his hand for about five minutes before switching to his other hand he keeps his eyes closed the whole time when i'm finished with his hands i roll him onto his stomach and straddle his back he assists me in pulling off his shirt but his arms are like needles i massage his shoulders and his neck and his back and his arms when i'm finished i roll off of him and lie down beside him i'm running my fingers through his hair and massaging his scalp when he opens his eyes lily he whispers looking at me sincerely he just might be the best thing that's ever happened to me those words wrap around me like a warm blanket i don't know what to say in response he lifts a hand and gently cups my cheek and i feel his stare deep in my stomach slowly he leans forward and presses his lips to mine i expect a peck but he doesn't pull back the tip of his tongue slides across my lips parting them softly his mouth is so warm i mean as his kiss grows deeper he rolls me onto my back and then drags his hand down my body straight to my hip he moves closer sliding his hand down my thigh he pushes against me in a surge of heat shoots inside me i grab a fistful of his hair and whisper against his mouth i think we've waited long enough i would very much like for you to me now he practically growls with a renewed sense of energy and begins to pull my shirt off it becomes an interlude of hands and moans and tongues and sweat i feel like this is the first time i've ever been touched by a man the few who came before him were all boys nervous hands and timid mouths but ryle is all confidence he knows exactly where to touch me and exactly how to kiss me the only time is not giving my body his undivided attention is when he reaches to the floor and fishes a condom out of his wallet once he's back under the covers and the condom is in place he doesn't even hesitate he takes me brazenly in one swift thrust and i gasp into his mouth every muscle in me tensing his mouth is fierce and needy kissing me everywhere he can reach i grow so dizzy i can do nothing but succumb to him he's unapologetic in the way he me his hand comes between my headboard and the top of my head as he pushes harder and harder the bed crashing against the wall with every push my fingernails dig into the skin of his back as he buries his face against my neck while i whisper oh god i say ryle i scream and then i bite down on his shoulder to muffle every sound that comes after it my whole body feels it from my head to my toes and back up again i'm afraid i might literally pass out for a moment so i tighten my legs around him and he tenses jesus lily his body ripples with tremors and he shoves against me one last time he groans stilling himself on top of me his body jacks with his release and my head falls back against the pillow it's a full minute before either of us is able to move and even then we choose not to he presses his face into the pillow and lets out a deep sigh i can't he pulls back and looks down at me his eyes are full of something i don't know what he presses his lips to mine and then says you were so right about what he slowly pulls out of me coming down on his forearms you warned me you said one time with you wouldn't be enough you said you were like a drug but you failed to tell me you were the most addictive kind chapter 10 can i ask you a personal question alyssa nods as she perfects a bouquet of flowers about to go out for delivery we're three days away from our grand opening and it just keeps getting busier by the day what is it alyssa asks facing me she leans into the counter and starts picking at her fingernails you don't have to answer it if you don't want to i warn well i can't answer it if you don't ask it that's a good point do you and marshall donate to charity confusion crosses her face and she says yeah why i shrug i was just curious i wouldn't judge you or anything i've just been thinking lately about how i might like to start a charity what kind of charity she asks we donate to a few different ones now that we have money but my favorite is this one we got involved with last year they build schools in other countries we've funded three new constructions in the past year alone i knew i liked her for a reason i don't have that kind of money obviously but i'd like to do something i just don't know what yet let's get through this grand opening first and then you can start thinking about philanthropy one dream at a time lily she walks around the counter and grabs the trash can i watch as she pulls the full bag out of it and ties it in a knot it makes me wonder why if she is people for everything she would even want a job where she had to take out the trash and get her hands dirty why do you work here i ask her she glances up at me and smiles because i like you she says but then i notice the smile completely leave her eyes right before she turns and walks toward the back to throw out the trash when she comes back i'm still watching her curiously i say it again alyssa why do you work here she stops what she's doing and takes in a slow breath like maybe she's contemplating being honest with me she walks back to the counter and leans against it crossing her feet at her ankles because she says looking down at her feet i can't get pregnant we've been trying for two years but nothing has worked i was tired of sitting at home crying all the time so i decided i should find something to keep my mind busy she stands up straight and wipes her hands across her jeans and you lilly bloom are keeping me very busy she turns and starts messing with the same bouquet of flowers again she's been perfecting them for half an hour she picks up a card and stuffs it in the flowers and then turns around and hands me the vars these are for you by the way it's obvious alyssa wants to change the subject so i take the flowers from her what do you mean she rolls her eyes and waves me off to my office it's on the card go read it i can tell by her annoyed reaction that they're from ryle i grin and run to my office i take a seat at my desk and pull out the card lily i'm having serious withdrawals while i smile and put the card back in the envelope i grab my phone and snap a picture of me holding the flowers with my tongue sticking he immediately starts texting me back i watch anxiously as the dots on my phone move back and forth ryle i need my next fix i'll be finished here in about 30 minutes can i take you to dinner me can't mom wants me to try a new restaurant with her tonight she's an obnoxious foodie ryle i like food i eat food where are you taking her me a place called bibs on market son while is there room for one more i stare at his text for a moment he wants to meet my mother we aren't even officially dating i mean i don't care if he meets my mother she would love him but he went from not wanting anything to do with relationships to possibly agreeing to test drive one to meeting the parents all within five days good god i really am a drug me sure meet us there in half an hour i walk out of my office and straight up to alyssa i hold my phone in front of her face he wants to meet my mother who rile my brother she says looking as shocked as i feel i not your brother my mother she grabs my phone and looks at the texts ha that's so weird i take my phone from her hands thanks for the vote of confidence she laughs and says you know what i mean it's wrong we're talking about here he's never in the history of being royal kincaid met a girl's parents of course hearing her say that makes me smile but then i wonder if maybe he's doing this just to please me if maybe he's doing things he doesn't really want to do just because he knows i want a relationship and then i smile even bigger because isn't that what it's all about sacrificing for the person you like so that you can see them happy your brother must really like me i say teasingly i look back up at alyssa expecting her to laugh but there's a solemn look on her face she nods and says yeah i'm afraid he does she grabs her purse from beneath the counter and says i'm gonna head out now let me know how it goes okay she moves past me and i watch her as she makes her way out the door and then i just stare at the door for a long time it bothers me that she doesn't seem excited about the prospect of me dating well it makes me wonder if that has more to do with her feelings toward me or her feelings toward him twenty minutes later i flipped the sign to closed just a few more days i lock the door and walk to my car but stop short when i see someone leaning against it it takes me a moment to recognize him he's facing the other direction talking on his cell phone i thought he was meeting me at the restaurant but okay the horn beeps on my car when i hit the unlock button and rile spins around he grins when he sees me yes i agree he says into the phone he wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me against him pressing a kiss to the top of my head we'll talk about it tomorrow he says something really important just came up he hangs up the phone and slides it into his pocket then he kisses me it's not a hello kiss it's an iv been thinking about you non-stop kiss he wraps both arms around me and spins me until i'm backed up against my car where he continues to kiss me until i start to feel dizzy again when he pulls back he's looking down at me appreciatively you know which part of you drives me the craziest he brings his fingers to my mouth and traces my smile these he says your lips i love how they're as red as your hair and you don't even have to wear lipstick i grin and kiss his fingers i better watch you around my mom then because everyone says we have the same mouth he pauses his fingers against my lips and he stops smiling lily just no i laugh and open my door are we taking separate cars he pulls the door open for me the rest of the way and says i took an uber here from work we'll ride together my mother is already seated at a table when we arrive her back is to the door as i lead the way i'm instantly impressed by the restaurant my eyes are drawn to the warm neutral colors painted on the walls and the almost full size tree in the middle of the restaurant it looks like it's growing straight out of the floor almost as if the entire restaurant was designed around the tree while follows closely behind me with his hand on my lower back once we reach the table i begin to pull off my jacket hey mom she looks up from her phone and says oh hey honey she drops her phone in her purse and waves her hand around the restaurant i already love it look at the lighting she says pointing up the fixtures look like something you'd grow in one of your gardens that's when she notices royal who is standing patiently next to me as i slide into the booth my mother smiles at him and says we'll take two waters for now please my eyes start to rile and then back to my mother mom he's with me he's not the waiter she looks up at ryle again with confusion he just smiles and reaches out his hand honest mistake i'm rilking cade she returns the handshake looking back and forth between us he releases her hand and slides into the booth she looks a little flustered when she finally says jenny bloom nice to meet you she places her attention back on me and raises an eyebrow a friend of yours lily i can't believe i'm not better prepared for this moment what in the heck do i introduce him as my trial run i can't say boyfriend but i can't very well say friend prospect seems a little dated while notice is my pause so he puts his hand on my knee and squeezes reassuringly my sister works for lily he says have you met her alyssa my mother leans forward in her booth and says oh yes of course you two look so much alike now that you mention it she says it's the eyes i think and the mouth he nods we both favor our mother my mother smiles at me people always say they think lily favors me yes he says identical mouths uncanny while squeezes my knee under the table again while i try and suppress my laughter ladies if you'll excuse me i need to head to the gentleman's room he leans in and kisses me on the side of the head before standing if the waiter comes i'll just take water my mother's eyes follow ryle as he walks away and then she slowly turns back to me she points at me and then to his empty seat how come i haven't heard about this guy i smile a little things are kind of it's not really i have no idea how to explain our situation to my mother he works a lot so we haven't really spent that much time together at all this is actually the first time we've been to dinner together my mother raises an eyebrow really she says leaning back in her seat he sure doesn't treat it like that i mean he seems comfortably affectionate with you not normal behavior with someone you've just met we didn't just meet i say it's been almost a year since the first time i met him and we've spent time together just not on a date he works at lot where does he work massachusetts general hospital my mother leans forward and her eyes practically bulge from her head lily she hisses he's a doctor i nod suppressing my grin a neurosurgeon can i get you ladies something to drink a waiter asks yeah i say we'll take three and then i clamp my mouth shut i stare at the waiter and the waiter stares back at me my heart is in my throat i can't remember how to speak lily my mother says she flicks her hand toward the waiter he's waiting for your drink order i shake my head and begin to stutter i'll um three waters my mother says interrupting my fumbled words the waiter snaps out of his trance long enough to tap his pencil on his pad of paper three waters he says got it he turns and walks away but i watch as he glances back at me before pushing through the doors to the kitchen my mother leans forward and says what in the world is wrong with you i point over my shoulder the waiter i say shaking my head he looked exactly like i'm about to say atlas corrigan when rile walks up and slides back into the seat he glances back and forth between us what did i miss swallow hard shaking my head surely that wasn't really atlas but those eyes his mouth i know it's been years since i saw him but i'll never forget what he looked like it had to be him i know it was and i know he recognized me too because the second our eyes met it looked like he'd seen a ghost lily wild says squeezing my hand you okay i nod enforce a smile then clear my throat yep we were just talking about you i say glancing back at my mother while assisted in an 18-hour surgery this week my mother leans forward with interest rall begins to tell her all about the surgery our water arrives but it's a different way to this time he asks if we've had a chance to go over the menu and then tells us the chef's specials the three of us order our food and i'm doing everything i can to focus but my attention is all over the restaurant looking for atlas i need to regroup after a few minutes i lean over to ryle i need to run to the restroom he stands up to let me out and my eyes are scanning the face of every waiter as i make my way across the room i push through the door to the hallway that leads to the restrooms as soon as i'm alone my back meets the wall of the hallway i lean forward and release a huge breath i decide to take a moment and regain my composure before heading back out there i bring my hands up to my forehead and close my eyes for nine years i've wondered what happened to him years lily i glance up and suck in a breath he's standing at the end of the hallway like a ghost straight out of the past my eyes travel to his feet to make sure he's not suspended in the air he isn't he's real and he's standing right in front of me i stay pressed against the wall not sure what to say to him atlas as soon as i say his name he blows out a quick breath of relief and then takes three huge steps forward i catch myself doing the same we meet in the middle and throw our arms around each other holy he says holding me in a tight embrace i nod yeah holy he puts his hands on my shoulders and takes a step back to look at me you haven't changed at all i cover my mouth with my hand still in shock and give him the once over his face looks the same but is no longer the scorny teenager i remember i can't say the same for you he looks down at himself and laughs yeah he says eight years in the military will do that to a we're both in shock so nothing is said right after that we just keep shaking our heads in disbelief he laughs and then i laugh finally he releases my shoulders and folds his arms over his chest what brings you to boston he asks he says it so casually and i'm thankful for that maybe he doesn't remember our conversation all those years ago about boston which would save me a lot of embarrassment i live here i say forcing my answer to sound as casual as his question i own a flower shop over on park plaza he smiles knowingly like it doesn't at all surprise him i glanced toward the door knowing i should get back out there he notices and then takes another step back he holds my gaze for a moment and it gets really quiet way too quiet there's so much to say but neither of us even knows where to start the smile leaves his eyes for a moment and then he motions toward the door you should probably get back to your company he says i'll look you up sometime you said park plaza right i nod he nods the door swings open and a woman walks in holding a toddler she moves between us which puts even more distance between us i take a step toward the door but he remains in the same spot before i walk out i turn back to him and smile it was really good to see you atlas he smiles a little but it doesn't touch his eyes yeah you too lily i'm mostly quiet for the rest of the meal i'm not sure i'll or my mother even notice though because she's having no issue firing question after question at him he takes it like a champ he's very charming with my mother in all the right ways unexpectedly running into atlas tonight put such a wrinkle in my emotions but by the end of dinner while has smoothed them back out again my mother takes her napkin and wipes her mouth then points at me new favorite restaurant she says incredible wild nods i agree i need to bring alyssa here she loves trying new restaurants the food really is good but the last thing i need is for either of these two to want to come back here it was okay i say he pays for our meals of course and then insists we walk my mother to her car i can already tell she'll be calling me about him tonight simply by the prideful look on her face once she's gone while walks me to my car i requested an uber so you wouldn't have to go out of your way to take me home we have approximately he looks down at his phone one and a half minutes to make out i laugh he wraps his arms around me and kisses my neck first and then my cheek i would invite myself over but i have an early surgery tomorrow and i'm sure my patient would appreciate it if i didn't spend the majority of the night inside you i kiss him back both disappointed and relieved his not coming over i have a grand opening in a few days i should probably sleep too when's your next day off he says never when's yours never i shake my head we're doomed there's just too much drive and success between the two of us that means the honeymoon phase will last until we're 80. he says i'll come to your grand opening friday and then the four of us will go out and celebrate a car pulls up beside us and he wraps his hand in my hair and kisses me goodbye your mother is wonderful by the way thank you for letting me come to dinner he backs away and climbs inside the car i watch as it pulls out of the parking lot i have a really good feeling about that man i smile and turn toward my car but throw a hand up to my chest and gasp when i see him atlas is standing at the rear of my car sorry wasn't trying to scare you i blow out a breath well you did i lean against the car and atlas stays where he is three feet away from me he looks out at the street so who's the lucky guy his my voice falters this is all so weird my chest is still constricted and my stomach is flipping and i can't tell if it's left over nerves from kissing royal or if it's the presence of atlas his name is ryle we met about a year ago i instantly regret saying we met that long ago it makes it sound like while and i have been dating that long and we aren't even officially dating what about you married have a girlfriend i'm not sure if i'm asking to extend the conversation he started or if i'm genuinely curious i do actually her name is cassie we've been together almost a year now heart bone i think i have heartburn a year i place my hand on my chest and nod that's good you seem happy does he seem happy i have no idea yeah well i'm really glad i got to see you lily he turns around to walk away but then spins and faces me again his hands shoved in his back pockets i will say i kind of wish this could have happened a year ago i winced his words trying not to let them penetrate he turns and walks back toward the restaurant i fumble with my keys and hit the button to unlock the car i slide in and pull the door shut gripping the steering wheel for whatever reason a huge tear falls down my cheek a huge pathetic what the hell is this wetness tear i swipe at it and push the button to start my car i didn't expect to feel this much hurt after seeing him but it's good this happened for a reason my heart needed closure so i can give it to ryle but maybe i couldn't do that until this happened this is good yes i'm crying but it'll feel better this is just human nature healing an old wound to prepare for a fresh new layer that's all chapter 11 i curl up in my bed and stare at it i'm almost finished with it there aren't very many more entries i pick up the journal and place it on the pillow beside me i'm not going to read you i whisper although if i read what's left i'll be finished having seen atlas tonight and knowing he has a girlfriend and a job and more than likely a home is enough closure i need on that chapter and if i just finish the damn journal i can put it back in the show box and never have to open it again i finally pick it up and roll onto my back ellen degeneres you are such a dear ellen just keep swimming recognize that quote ellen it's what dory says to marlon in finding nemo just keep swimming swimming swimming i'm not a huge fan of cartoons but i'll give you props for that one i like cartoons that can make you laugh but also make you feel something after today i think that's my favorite cartoon because i've been feeling like drowning lately and sometimes people need a reminder that they just need to keep swimming atlas got sick like really sick he's been crawling through my window and sleeping on the floor for a few nights in a row now but last night i knew something was wrong as soon as i looked at him it was a sunday so i hadn't seen him since the night before but he looked awful his eyes were bloodshot his skin was pale and even though it was cold his hair was sweaty i didn't even ask if he was feeling okay i already knew he wasn't i put my hand on his forehead and he was so hot i almost yelled for my mother he said i'll be fine lily and then he started to make his palate on the floor i told him to wait there and then i went to the kitchen and poured him a glass of water i found some medicine in the cabinet it was flu medicine and i wasn't even sure if that's what was wrong with him but i made him take some anyway he laid there on the floor curled up into a ball when about half an hour later he said lily i think i'm gonna need a trash can i jumped up and grabbed the trashcan from under my desk and knelt down in front of him as soon as i set it down he hunched over it and started throwing up god i felt bad for him being so sick and not having a bathroom or a bed or a house or a mother all he had was me and i didn't even know what to do for him when he was finished i made him drink some water and then i told him to get on the bed he refused but i wasn't having it i put the trashcan on the floor next to the bed and made him move to the bed he was so hot and shaking so bad i was just scared to leave him on the floor i laid down next to him in every hour for the next six hours he continued getting sick i kept having to take the trashcan to the bathroom to empty it out i'm not gonna lie it was gross the grossest night i've ever had but what else could i do he needed me to help him and i was all he had when it came time for him to leave my room this morning i told him to go back to his house and i'd be over to check on him before school i'm surprised he even had the energy to crawl out of my window i left the trashcan next to my bed and waited for my mom to come wake me up when she did she saw the trash can and immediately held her hand to my forehead lily are you okay i groaned and shook my head no i was up all night sick i think it's over now but i haven't slept she picked up the trash trashcan and told me to stay in bed that she'd call the school and let them know i wasn't coming after she left for work i went and got atlas and told him he could stay with me at the house all day he was still getting sick so i let him use my room to sleep i check on him every half hour or so and finally around lunch he stopped throwing up he went and took a shower and then i made him some soup he was too tired to even eat it i got a blanket and we both sat down on the couch and covered up together i don't know when i started feeling comfortable enough to snuggle up to him but it just felt right a few minutes later he leaned over a little and pressed his lips against my collarbone right between my shoulder and my neck it was a quick kiss and i don't think he meant for it to be romantic it was more like a thank you gesture without using actual words but it made me feel all kinds of things it's been a few hours now and i keep touching that spot with my fingers because i can still feel it i know it was probably the worst day of his life ellen but it was one of my favorites i feel really bad about that we watched finding nemo and when that part came up where marlon was looking for nemo and he was feeling really defeated dory said to him when life gets you down do you want to know what you've got to do just keep swimming just keep swimming just keep swimming swimming swimming atlas grabbed my hand when dory said that he didn't hold it like a boyfriend holds his girlfriend's hand he squeezed it like he was saying that was us he was marlon and i was dory and i was helping him swim just keep swimming i whispered to him lily dear ellen i'm scared so scared i like him at lot he's all i think about when we're together and i feel worried sick about him when we're not my life is beginning to revolve around him and that's not good i know but i can't help it and i don't know what to do about it and now he might leave he left after we finished watching finding nemo yesterday and then when my parents went to bed he called in my window last night he had slept in my bed the night before because he was sick and i know i shouldn't have done it but i put his blankets in the washing machine right before i went to bed he asked where his palate was and i told him he'd have to sleep on the bed again because i wanted to wash his blankets and make sure they were clean so he wouldn't get sick again for a minute it looked like he was going to go back out the window but then he shut it and took off his shoes and crawled in the bed with me he wasn't sick anymore but when he laid down i thought maybe i had gotten sick because my stomach felt queasy but i wasn't sick i just always feel queasy when he's that close to me we were facing each other on the bed when he said when do you turn sixteen two more months i whispered we just kept staring at each other and my heart was beating faster and faster when do you turn nineteen i asked just trying to make conversation so he couldn't hear how hard i was breathing not until october he said i nodded i wondered why he was curious about my age and it made me wonder what he thought about 15 year olds did he look at me like i was just a little kid like a little sister i was almost 16 and two and a half years apart in age isn't that bad maybe when two people are 15 and 18 it might seem a little too far apart but once i turned 16 i bet no one would even think twice about a two and a half year age difference i need to tell you something he said i held my breath not knowing what he was going to say i got in touch with my uncle today my mom and i used to live with him in boston he told me once he gets back from his work trip i can stay with him i should have been so happy for him in that moment i should have smiled and told him congratulations but i felt all of the immaturity of my age when i closed my eyes and felt sorry for myself are you going i asked he shrugged i don't know i wanted to talk to you about it first he was so close to me on the bed i could feel the warmth of his breath i also noticed he smelled like mint and it made me wonder if he uses bottled water to brush his teeth before he comes over here i always send him home every day with lots of water i brought my hand up to the pillow and started pulling at a feather sticking out of it when i got it all the way out i twisted it between my fingers i don't know what to say atlas i'm happy you have a place to stay but what about school i could finish down there he said i nodded it sounded like he already made up his mind when are you leaving i wondered how far away boston is it's probably a few hours but that's a whole world away when you don't own a car i don't know for sure that i am i dropped the feather back onto the pillow and brought my hand to my side what's stopping you your uncle is offering you a place to stay that's good right he tightened his lips together and nodded then he picked up the feather i'd been playing with and he started twisting it between his fingers he laid it back down on the pillow and then he did something i wasn't expecting he moved his fingers to my lips and he touched them god ellen i thought i was gonna die right then and there it was the most i'd ever felt inside my body at one time he kept his fingers there for a few seconds and he said thank you lily for everything he moved his fingers up and through my hair and then he leaned forward and planted a kiss on my forehead i was breathing so hard i had to open my mouth to catch more air i could see his chest moving just as hard as mine was he looked down at me and i watched as his eyes went right to my mouth have you ever been kissed lily i shook my head now and tilted my face up to his because i needed him to change that right then and there i wasn't gonna be able to breathe then almost as if i were made of eggshells he lowered his mouth to mine and just rested it there i didn't know what to do next but i didn't care i didn't care if we just stayed like that all night and never even moved our mouths it was everything his lips closed over mine and i could kind of feel his hand shaking i did what he was doing and started to move my lips like he was i felt the tip of his tongue brush across my lips once and i thought my eyes were about to roll back in my head he did it again and then a third time so i finally did it too when our tongues touched for the first time i kind of smiled a little because i thought about my first kiss at lot where it would be who it would be with never in a million years did i imagine it would feel like this he pushed me on my back and pressed his hand against my cheek and kept kissing me it just got better and better as i grew more comfortable my favorite moment was when he pulled back for a second and looked down at me then came back even harder i don't know how long we kissed a long time so long my mouth started to hurt and my eyes couldn't stay open when we fell asleep i'm pretty sure his mouth was still touching mine we didn't talk about boston again i still don't know if he's leaving lily dear ellen i need to apologize to you it's been a week since i've written to you in a week since i've watched your show don't worry i still record it so you'll get the ratings but every day we get off the bus atlas takes a quick shower and then we make out every day it's awesome i don't know what it is about him but i feel so comfortable with him he's so sweet and thoughtful he never does anything i don't feel comfortable with but so far he hasn't tried anything i don't feel comfortable with i'm not sure how much i should divulge here since you and i have never met in person but let me just say that if he's ever wondered what my boobs feel like now he knows i can't for the life of me figure out how people function from day to day when they like someone this much if it were up to me we would kiss all day and all night and do nothing in between except maybe talk a little he tells funny stories i love it when he's in a talkative mood because it doesn't happen very often but he uses his hands at lot he smiles a lot too and i love his smile even more than i love his kiss and sometimes i just tell him to shut up and stop smiling or kissing or talking so i can stare at him i like looking at his eyes they're so blue that he could be standing across a room and a person could tell how blue his eyes were the only thing i don't like about kissing him sometimes is when he closes his eyes and no we still haven't talked about boston lily dear ellen yesterday afternoon when we were riding the bus atlas kissed me it wasn't anything new to us because we had kissed a lot by this point but it's the first time he ever did it in public when we're together everything else just seems to fade away so i don't think he even thought about other people noticing but katie noticed she was sitting in the seat behind us and i heard her say gross as soon as he leaned over and kissed me she was talking to the girl next to her when she said i can't believe lilly lets him touch her he wears the same clothes almost every day ellen i was so mad i also felt awful for atlas he pulled away from me and i could tell what she said bothered him i started to turn around to yell at her for judging someone she doesn't even know but he grabbed my hand and shook his head no don't lily he said so i didn't but for the rest of the bus ride i was so angry i was angry that katie would say something so ignorant just to hurt someone she thought was beneath her i was also hurt that atlas appeared to be used to comments like that i didn't want him to think i was embarrassed that anyone saw him kiss me i know atlas better than any of them do and i know what a good person he is no matter what his clothes look like or that he used to smell before he started using my shower i leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and then rested my head on his shoulder you know what i said to him he slid his fingers through mine and squeezed my hand what you're my favorite person i felt him laugh a little and it made me smile out of how many people he asked all of them he kissed the top of my head and said you're my favorite person to lily by a long shot when the bus came to a stop on my street he didn't let go of my hand when we started to walk off he was in front of me in the aisle and i was walking behind him so he didn't see it when i turned around and flipped off katie i probably shouldn't have done it but the look on her face made it worth it when we got to my house he took the house key out of my hand and unlocked my front door it was weird seeing how comfortable he is at my house now he walked in and locked the door behind us that's when we noticed the electricity in the house wasn't working i looked out the window and saw a utility truck down the street working on the power lines so that meant we couldn't watch your show i wasn't too upset because it meant we would probably just make out for an hour and a half does your oven run off gas or electricity he asked gas i said a little confused that he was asking about our oven he kicked off his shoes which were really just a pair of my father's old shoes and he started walking toward the kitchen i'm going to make you something he said you know how to cook he opened the refrigerator and started moving things around yep i probably love to cook as much as you love to grow things he took a few things out of the refrigerator and preheated the oven i leaned against the counter and watched him he wasn't even looking at a recipe he was just pouring things into bowls and mixing them without even using a measuring cup i had never seen my father lift a finger in the kitchen i'm pretty sure he wouldn't even know how to preheat our oven i kind of thought most men were like that but watching atlas work his way around my kitchen proved me wrong what are you making i asked him i pushed my hands on the island and hoisted myself onto it cookies he said he walked the bowl over to me and stuck a spoon in the mixture he brought the spoon up to my mouth and i tasted it one of my weaknesses is cookie dough and this was the best i'd ever tasted oh wow i said licking my lips he set the bowl down beside me and then leaned in and kissed me cookie dough and atlas's mouth mixed together is like heaven in case you're wondering i made a noise deep in my throat that let him know how much i like the combination and it made him laugh but he didn't stop kissing me he just laughed through the kiss and it completely melted my heart a happy atlas was near mind-blowing it made me want to uncover every single thing about this world that he likes and give it all to him when he was kissing me i wondered if i loved him i've never had a boyfriend before and have nothing to compare my feelings to in fact i've never really wanted a boyfriend or a relationship until atlas i'm not growing up in a household with a great example of how a man should treat someone he loves so i've always held on to an unhealthy amount of distrust when it comes to relationships and other people there have been times i've wondered if i could ever allow myself to trust a guy for the most part i hate men because the only example i have is my father but spending all this time with atlas is changing me not in a huge way i don't think i still distrust most people but atlas is changing me enough to believe that maybe he's an exception to the norm [Music] he stopped kissing me and picked up the bowl again he walked it over to the opposite counter and started spooning dough onto two cookie sheets you want to know a trick to cooking with a gas oven he asked i'm not sure i really ever cared about cooking before but he somehow made me want to know everything he knew it might have been how happy he looked when he talked about it gas ovens have hot spots he said as he opened the oven door and put the cookie sheets inside you have to be sure and rotate the pan so they'll cook evenly he closed the door and pulled the oven mitt off his hand he tossed it on the counter a pizza stone helps too if you just keep it in the oven even when you aren't baking pizza it helps eliminate the hot spots he walked over to me and placed his hands on either side of me the electricity kicked on right as he was pulling down the collar of my shirt he kissed the spot on my shoulder he always loves kissing and slowly slid his hands up my back i swear sometimes when he's not even here i can still feel his lips on my collarbone he was about to kiss me on the mouth when we heard a car pull into the driveway and the garage door start to open i jumped off the island looking around the kitchen frantically his hands went up to my cheeks and he made me look at him keep an eye on the cookies they'll be finished in about 20 minutes he pressed his lips to mine and then released me rushing to the living room to grab his backpack he made it out the back door right when i heard the engine to my father's car shut off i started gathering all the ingredients together when my father walked into the kitchen from the garage he looked around and then saw the light on in the oven are you cooking he asked i nodded because my heart was beating so fast i was scared he'd hear the trembling in my voice if i responded out loud i scrubbed for a moment at a spot on the counter that was perfectly clean i cleared my throat and said cookies i'm baking cookies he set his briefcase down on the kitchen table and then walked to the refrigerator and pulled out a beer the electricity has been out i said i was bored so i decided to bake while i waited for it to come back on my father sat down at the table and spent the next 10 minutes asking me questions about school and if i'd thought about going to college occasionally when it was just the two of us i saw glimpses of how a normal relationship with a father could be sitting at the kitchen table with him discussing colleges and career choices in high school as much as i hated him most of the time i still longed for more of these moments with him if he could just always be the guy he was capable of being in these moments things would be so much different for all of us irritated the cookies like atlas had said to do and when they were finished i pulled them out of the oven i took one off the cookie sheet and handed it to my father i hated that i was being nice to him it almost felt like i was wasting one of atlas's cookies wow my father said these are great lily i forced to thank you even though i didn't make them i couldn't very well tell him that though they're for school so you can only have one i lied i waited until the rest of them cooled and then i put them in a tupperware container and took them to my room i didn't even want to try one without atlas so i waited until later last night when he came over you should have tried one when they were hot he said that's when they're the best i didn't want to eat them without you i said we sat on the bed with our backs against the wall and proceeded to eat half the bowl of cookies i told him they were delicious but failed to tell him they were by far the greatest cookies i'd ever eaten i didn't want to inflate his ego i kind of liked how humble he was i tried to grab at another one but he pulled the bowl away and put the lid back on it if you eat too many you'll make yourself sick and you won't like my cookies anymore i laughed impossible he took a drink of water and then stood up facing the bed i made you something he said reaching into his pocket more cookies i asked he smiled and shook his head then held out a fist i lifted my hand and he dropped something hard in the palm of my hand it was a small flat outline of a heart about two inches long carved out of wood i rubbed my thumb over it trying not to smile too big it wasn't an anatomically correct heart but it also didn't look like the hand-drawn hearts it was uneven and hollow in the middle you made this i asked looking up at him he nodded i carved it with an old whittling knife i found at the house the ends of the heart weren't connected they just curved in a little leaving a little space at the top of the heart i didn't even know what to say i felt him sit back down on the bed but i couldn't stop looking at it long enough to even thank him i carved it out of a branch he said whispering from the oak tree in your backyard i swear ellen i never thought i could love something so much or maybe what i was feeling wasn't for the gift but for him i closed my fist around the heart and then leaned over and kissed him so hard he fell back onto the bed i threw my leg over him and straddled him and he grabbed my waist and grinned against my mouth i'm gonna carve you a damn house out of that oak tree if this is the reward i get he whispered i laughed you have to stop being so perfect i told him you're already my favorite person but now you're making it really unfair to all the other humans because no one will ever be able to catch up to you he brought his hand to the back of my head and rolled me until i was on my back and he was the one on top then my plan is working he said right before kissing me again i held on to the heart while we kissed wanting to believe it was a gift for no reason at all but part of me was scared it was a gift to remember him by when he leaves for boston i didn't want to remember him if i had to remember him it would mean he wasn't a part of my life anymore i don't want him to move to boston ellen i know that's selfish of me because he can't keep living in that house i don't know what i'm more afraid might happen watching him leave or selfishly begging him not to go i know we need to talk about it i'll ask him about boston tonight when he comes over i just didn't want to ask him last night because it was a really perfect day lily dear ellen just keep swimming just keep swimming he's moving to boston i don't really feel like talking about it lily dear ellen this is going to be a big one for my mother to hide my father is usually pretty cognizant of hitting her where it won't leave a visible bruise the last thing he probably wants is for people in the town to know what he does to her i've seen him kick her a few times choke her hit her on the back in the stomach pull her hair the few times has hit her on the face it's always just been a slap so the marks wouldn't stay for long but never have i seen him do what he did last night it was really late when they got home it was a weekend so he and my mom went to some community function my father has a real estate company and is also the town mayor so they have to do things in the public a lot like go to charity dinners which is ironic since my father hates charities but i guess he has to save face atlas was already in my room when they got home i could hear them fighting as soon as they walked through the front door a lot of the conversation was muffled but for the most part it sounded like my father was accusing her of flirting with some man now i know my mother ellen she would never do something like that if anything a guy probably looked at her and it made my father jealous my mother is really beautiful i heard him call her a and then i heard the first blow i started to climb out of my bed but atlas pulled me back and told me not to go in there that i might get hurt i told him it actually helps sometimes that when i go in there my father backs off atlas tried to talk me out of it but finally i got up and went out into the living room ellen i just he was on top of her they were on the couch and he had his hand around her throat but his other hand was pulling up her dress she was trying to fight him off and i just stood there frozen she kept begging him to get off her and then he hit her right across the face and told her to shut up i'll never forget his words when he said you want attention i'll give you some attention and that's when she got real still and stopped fighting him i had her crying and then she said please be quiet lily is here she said please be quiet please be quiet while you rape me dear ellen i didn't know one human was capable of feeling so much hate inside one heart and i'm not even talking about my father i'm talking about me i walked straight to the kitchen and i opened a drawer i grabbed the biggest knife i could find and i don't know how to explain it it was like i wasn't even in my own body i could see myself walking across the kitchen with the knife in my hand and i knew i wasn't going to use it i just wanted something bigger than myself that could scare him away from her but right before i made it out of the kitchen two arms went around my waist and picked me up from behind i dropped the knife and my father didn't hear it but my mother did we locked eyes as atlas carried me back to my bedroom when we were back inside my room i just started hitting him in the chest trying to get back out there to her i was crying and doing everything i could to get him out of my way but he wouldn't move he just wrapped his arms around me and said lily calm down he kept saying it over and over and he held me there for a long time until i accepted that he wasn't gonna let me go back out there he wasn't gonna let me have that knife he walked over to the bed and grabbed his jacket and started putting on his shoes we'll go next door he said we'll call the police the police my mother had warned me not to call the police in the past she said it could jeopardize my father's career but in all honesty i didn't care at that point i didn't care that he was the mayor or that everyone who loved him didn't know the awful side of him the only thing i cared about was helping my mother so i pulled on my jacket and went to the closet for a pair of shoes when i stepped out of my closet atlas was staring at my bedroom door it was opening my mother stepped inside and quickly shut it locking it behind her i'll never forget what she looked like she had blood coming down from her lip her eye was already starting to swell and she had a clump of hair just resting on her shoulder she looked at atlas and then me i didn't even take a moment to feel scared that she caught me in my room with a boy i didn't care about that i was just worried about her i walked over to her and grabbed her hands and walked her to my bed i brushed the hair off her shoulder and then from her forehead he's gonna go call the police mom okay her eyes grew real wide and she started shaking her head no she said she looked over at atlas and said you can't no he was already at the window about to leave so he stopped and looked at me he's drunk lily she said he heard your door shut so he went to our bedroom he stopped if you call the police it'll just make it worse believe me just let him sleep it off it'll be better tomorrow i shook my head and could feel the tears stinging my eyes mom he was trying to rape you she ducked her head and winced when i said that she shook her head again and said it's not like that lily we're married and sometimes marriage is just you're too young to understand it it got really quiet for a minute and then i said i hope to how i never do that's when she started to cry she just held her head in her hands and she started to sobbing all i could do was wrap my arms around her and cry with her i'd never seen her this upset all this hurt all this scared it broke my heart ellen it broke me when she was finished crying i looked around the room and atlas had left we went to the kitchen and i helped her clean up her lip in her eye she never did say anything about him being there not one thing i waited for her to tell me i was grounded but she never did i realized that maybe she didn't acknowledge it because that's what she does things that hurt her just get swept under the rug never to be brought up again lily dear ellen i think i'm ready to talk about boston now he left today i've shuffled my deck of cards so many times my hands hurt i'm scared if i don't get out how i feel on paper i'll go crazy holding it all in our last night didn't go over so well we kissed a lot at first but we were both too sad to really care about it for the second time in two days he told me he changed his mind and that he wasn't leaving he didn't want to leave me alone in this house but i've lived with these parents for almost 16 years it was silly of him to turn down a home in favor of being homeless just because of me we both knew that but it still hurt i tried to not be so sad about it so when we were lying there i asked him to tell me about boston i told him maybe one day when i got out of school i could go there he got this look in his eye when he started talking about it a look i'd never seen sort of like he was talking about heaven he told me about how everyone has the greatest accents there instead of car they say car he must not realize that he sometimes says his arse like that too he said he lived there from the ages of nine until he was 14 so i guess maybe he picked up a little bit of the accent he told me about how his uncle lives in an apartment building with the coolest rooftop deck a lot of apartments have them he said some even have pools plethora maine probably didn't even have a building that was tall enough for a rooftop deck i wondered what it would feel like to be that high up i asked him if he ever went up there and he said yes that when he was younger sometimes he would go to the roof and just sit up there and think while he looked out over the city he told me about the food i already knew he liked to cook but i had no idea how much passion he had for it i guess because he doesn't have a stove or a kitchen so other than the cookies he baked me he's never really talked about cooking before he told me about the harbour and how before his mother remarried she used to take him fishing out there i mean boston isn't any different from any other big city i guess he said there's not a lot that makes it stand out it's just i don't know there's a vibe a really good energy when people say they live in boston they're proud of it i missed that sometimes i ran my fingers through his hair and said well you make it sound like the best place in the world like everything is better in boston he looked at me and his eyes were sad when he said everything is almost better in boston except the girls boston doesn't have you that made me blush he kissed me real sweet and then i said to him boston doesn't have me yet someday i'll move there and i'll find you he made me promise said if i moved to boston everything really would be better there and it would be the best city in the world we kissed some more and did other things that i won't bore you with although that's not to say they were boring they were not but then this morning i had to tell him goodbye and he held me and kissed me so much i thought i might die if he let go but i didn't die because he let go and here i am still living still breathing just barely lily i flip to the next page but then slam the book shut there's only one more entry and i don't know that i really feel like reading it right now or ever i put the journal back in my closet knowing that my chapter with atlas is over he's happy now i'm happy now time can definitely heal all wounds or at least most of them i turn off my lamp and then pick up my phone to plug it in i have two missed text messages from ryle and one from my mother ryle hey naked truth commencing in three two while i was worried that being in a relationship would add to my responsibilities that's why i've avoided them my whole life i already have enough on my plate and seeing the stress my parents marriage seemed to cause them and the failed marriages of some of my friends i wanted no part in something like that but after tonight i realized that maybe a lot of people are just doing it wrong because what's happening between us doesn't feel like a responsibility it feels like a reward and i'll fall asleep wondering what i did to deserve it i pull my phone to my chest and smile then i screenshot the text because i'm keeping it forever i open up the third text message mom a doctor lily and your own business i want to be you when i grow up i screenshot that one too chapter 12. what are you doing to those poor flowers alyssa asks from behind me i clamp another silver washer closed and slide it down the stem steampunk we both stand back and admire the bouquet at least i hope she's looking at it with admiration it turned out better than i thought it would i used florist dip dye to turn some white roses a deep purple then i decorated the stems with different steampunk elements like tiny metal washers and gears and even super glued a small clock to the brown leather strap that's holding the bouquet together steampunk it's a trend kind of a sub-genre of fiction but it's catching on in other areas art music i turn around and smile holding up the bouquet and now flowers alyssa takes the flowers from me and holds them up in front of her they're so weird i love them so much she hugs them can i have them i pull them away from her no they're our grand opening display not for sale i take the flowers from her and grab the vars i made yesterday i found a pair of old button up women's boots at a flea market last week they reminded me of the steampunk style and the boots are actually where i got the idea for the flowers i washed the boots last week dried them and then super glued pieces of metal to them once i brushed them with mod podge i was able to line the inside with a vase to hold water for the flowers alyssa i placed the flowers on the center display table i'm pretty sure this is exactly what i was supposed to do with my life steampunk she asks i laugh and spin around create i say and then i flip the sign to open 15 minutes early we both spend the day busier than we thought would be between phone orders internet orders and walk-ins neither of us even has time to take a lunch break you need more employees alyssa says as she passes me holding two bouquets of flowers that is at one o'clock you need more employees she says to me at two o'clock holding the phone to her ear and writing down an order while ringing someone up at the register marshall stops by after three o'clock and asks how it's going alyssa says she needs more employees i help a woman take a bike to her car at four o'clock and as i'm walking back inside alyssa is walking out holding another bouquet you need more employees she says exasperated at six o'clock she locks the door and flips the sign she falls against the door and slides to the floor looking up at me i know i tell her i need more employees she just nods and then we laugh i walk over to where she's seated and i sit next to her we lean our heads together and look at the store the steampunk flowers are front and center and although i refuse to sell this particular bouquet we had eight pre-orders for more of them i'm proud of you lilly she says i smile i couldn't have done it without you issa we sit there for several minutes enjoying the rest we're finally giving our feet this was honestly one of the best days i've ever had but i can't help but feel a nagging sadness that while never stopped by he also never texted have you heard from your brother today i ask she shakes her head no but i'm sure he's just busy i'm not i know he's busy we both look up when someone knocks on the door i smile when i see him cupping his hands around his eyes with his face pressed to the window he finally looks down and sees us sitting on the floor speak of the devil alyssa says i jump up and unlock the door to let him in as soon as i open it he's pushing his way inside i missed it i did i missed it he hugs me i'm sorry i tried to get here as soon as i could i hug him back and say it's fine you're here it was perfect i'm giddy with excitement that he made it at all you're perfect he says kissing me alyssa brushes past us you're perfect she mimics hey ryle guess what role releases me what alyssa grabs the trashcan and drops it on the counter lily needs to hire more employees i laugh at her constant repetition while squeezes my hand and says sounds like business was good i shrug i can't complain i mean i'm no brain surgeon but i'm pretty good at what i do while laughs you guys need any help cleaning up alyssa and i put him to work helping us clean up after the big day we get everything finished and prepped for tomorrow and then marshall arrives just as we're finishing up he's carrying a bag when he walks inside and drops it on the counter he begins to pull out huge lumps of some kind of material and tosses them at each of us i catch mine and unfold it it's a honesty with kittens all over it bruins game free beer suit up team alyssa groans and says marshall you made six million dollars this year do we really need free beer he shoves a finger against her lips pushing them in opposite directions sure don't speak like a rich girl issa blasphemy she laughs and marshall grabs the honesty out of her hand he unzips it and helps her into it once we're all suited up we lock the door and head to the bar i've never in my life seen so many men in honesties alyssa and i are the only women wearing them but i kind of like that it's loud so loud and each time the bruins make a good play alyssa and i have to cover our ears from the screams after about half an hour a booth on the top floor opens up and we all run upstairs to claim it much better alyssa says as we slide in it's much quieter up here although still loud compared to normal standards a waitress comes over to take our drink order i order red wine and as soon as i do marshall practically jumps out of his seat wine he yells you're in a honesty you don't get free wine with her honestly he tells the waitress to bring me a beer instead rail tells her to bring me wine alyssa wants water and this upsets marshall even more he tells the waitress to bring for bottles of beer and then rale says two beers red wine and a water the waitress is very confused by the time she leaves our table marshall throws his arm around alyssa and kisses her how am i supposed to try and knock you up tonight if you aren't a little wasted the look on alyssa's face changes and i feel instantly bad for her i know marshall only said that in fun but it has to bother her she was just telling me a few days ago how depressed she is that she can't get pregnant i can't have beer marshall then drink wine at least you like me more when you're tipsy he laughs at himself but alyssa doesn't i can't have wine either i can't have any alcohol actually marshall stops laughing my heart does a flip-flop marshall turns in the booth and grabs her shoulders making her face him straight on alyssa she just starts nodding and i don't know who starts crying first me or marshall or alyssa i'm gonna be a dad he yells she's still nodding and i'm just bawling like an idiot marshall jumps up in the booth and yells i'm gonna be a dad i can't even explain what this moment is like a grown man in a honesty standing up in a booth at a bar yelling to whoever will listen that he's gonna be a dad he pulls up and they're both standing in the booth now he kisses her and it's the sweetest thing i've ever seen until i look at ryle and catch him chewing on his bottom lip like he's trying to blink back a potential tear he glances at me and sees me staring so he looks away shut up he says she's my sister i smile and lean over and kiss him on the cheek congratulations uncle ryle once the parents to be stopped making out in the booth while and i both stand up and congratulate them alyssa said she's been feeling sick for a while but just took a test this morning before our grand opening she was going to wait and tell marshall tonight when they got home but she couldn't hold it in for another second our drinks come and we order food once the waitress walks away i look at marshall how did you two meet he says alyssa tells the story better than i do alyssa packs up and leans forward i hated him she says he was rile's best friend and he was always at the house i thought he was so annoying he had just moved to ohio from boston and he had that boston accent he thought it made him so cool but i just wanted to slap him every time he spoke she's so sweet marshall says sarcastically you are an idiot alyssa replies rolling her eyes anyway one day ryle and i had a few friends over nothing big but our parents were out of town so of course we had a little get-together there were thirty people there ryal says it was a party okay a party alyssa says i walked into the kitchen and marshall was standing there pressed up against some floozy she wasn't a fleasy he says she was a nice girl tasted like cheetos but alyssa glares at him so he shuts up she turns back to me i lost it she says i started yelling at him to take his horse to his own house the girl was literally so terrified of me she ran for the door and didn't come back blocker marshall says alyssa punches him in the shoulder anyway after i blocked him i ran to my room embarrassed that i did that it was out of pure jealousy and i didn't even realize i liked him that way until i saw his hands on some other girl's ass i threw myself on my bed and started crying a few minutes later he walked into my room and asked me if i was okay i rolled over and yelled i like you you stupid face and the rest is history marshall says i laugh or stupid face how sweet while holds up a finger and says you're leaving out the best part alyssa shrugs oh yeah so marshall walked over to me pulled me off the bed kissed me with the same mouth he was just kissing the floozy with and we made out for half an hour while walked in on us and started screaming at marshall then marshall pushed while out of my bedroom locked the door and made out with me for another hour ryle is shaking his head betrayed by my best friend marshall pulls alyssa to him i like her you stupid face i laugh but rol turns to me with a serious look on his face i didn't speak to him for an entire month i was so mad i eventually got over it we were 18 she was seventeen wasn't much i could do in the way of keeping them apart wow i say i sometimes forget how close in age you two are alyssa smiles and says three kids in three years i feel so sorry for my parents the table grows quiet i see an apologetic look pass from melissa to ryle three i ask you have another sibling while straightens up and takes a sip of his beer he sets it back down on the table and says we had an older brother he passed away when we were kids such a great night ruined by a simple question luckily marshall redirects the conversation like a pro i spend the rest of the evening listening to stories about them growing up i'm not sure i've ever laughed as hard as i have tonight when the game is over we all walk back to the shop to retrieve our cars ryle said he caught an uber over earlier so he'll just write with me before alyssa and marshall leave i tell her to hold on i run inside the store and grab the steampunk flowers and run them back to their car her face lights up when i hand them to her i'm happy you're pregnant but that's not why i'm giving you these flowers i just want you to have them because you're my best friend alyssa squeezes me and whispers in my ear i hope he marries you someday we'll be even better sisters she climbs inside the car and they leave and i just stand there watching them because i don't know that i've ever had a friend like her in my whole life maybe it's the wine i don't know but i love today everything about it i especially love how well looks leaning against my car watching me you're really beautiful when you're happy ah this day perfect we're making our way up the stairs to my apartment when rile grabs my waist and pushes me against the wall he just starts kissing me right there in the stairwell impatient i mutter he laughs and cuts my ass with both of his hands nope it's this honesty you really should consider making this your business attire he kisses me again and doesn't stop kissing me until someone passes us heading down the stairs the guy mumbles nice honescies as he squeezes past us did the bruins win while nods three to one he responds without looking up at the guy nice the guy says once he's gone i step away from ryle what is this honesty thing does every male in boston know about this he laughs and says free beer lily it's free beer he pulls me up the stairs and when we walk in the door lucy is standing at the kitchen table taping up a box of her stuff there's another box she hasn't taped up yet and i could swear i see a bowl that i bought at homegoods sticking out of the top she said she'd have all her stuff out by next week but i have a feeling she'll conveniently have some of my stuff out too who are you she asks looking while up and down while kinkade i'm lily's boyfriend lily's boyfriend did you hear that boyfriend it's the first time he's confirmed it and he said it so confidently my boyfriend huh i walk into the kitchen and grab a bottle of wine and two wine glasses while comes up behind me as i'm pouring the wine and snakes his arms around my waist yep your boyfriend i hand him a glass of wine and say so i'm a girlfriend he holds up his glass and clinks it against mine to the end of trial runs in the beginning of sure things we're both smiling as we take a drink of our wine lucy stacks the boxes together and walks toward the front door looks like i got out right in time she says the door closes behind her and rile raises an eyebrow i don't think your roommate likes me very much you'd be surprised i didn't think she liked me either but yesterday she asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding i think she's just hoping for free flowers though she's very opportunistic while laughs and leans against the refrigerator his eyes fall to a magnet that says boston on it he pulls it off the refrigerator and raises an eyebrow you'll never get out of boston pagatory if you keep souvenirs of boston on your fridge like a tourist i laugh and grab the magnet slapping it back on the fridge i like that he remembers so much about the first night we met it was a gift it only counts as touristy if i bought it myself he steps over to me and takes my glass of wine from my hands he sets both of our glasses on the countertop and then leans in and gives me a deep passionate drunken kiss i can taste the tart fruitiness of the wine on his tongue and i like it his hands go to the zipper on my honesty let's get you out of these clothes he pulls me toward the bedroom kissing me while we both struggle out of our clothes by the time we make it to my bedroom i'm down to my bra and panties he shoves me against the door and i gasp at the unexpectedness of it don't move he says he presses his lips to my chest then begins to kiss me slowly as he makes his way down my body oh lord can this day seriously get any better i run my hands through his hair but he grabs my wrists and presses them against the door he climbs back up my body squeezing my wrists tightly he raises an eyebrow in warning i said don't move i try not to smile but it's hard to disguise he drags his mouth back down my body he slowly lowers my panties to my ankles but he told me not to move so i don't kick them off his mouth slides up my thigh until yeah best day ever chapter 13. while are you at home or still at work me work should be done in about an hour while can i come see you me you know how people say there is no such thing as a stupid question they're wrong that was a stupid question ryle smiley face half an hour later his knocking at the front door of the floral shop i closed the shop almost three hours ago but i'm still here trying to get caught up on the chaos that was the first month the store is still too new to get an accurate projection of how well or how bad it's doing some days are great and some are so slow i send alyssa home but overall i'm happy with how it's gone so far and happy with how things are going with ryle i unlock the door to let him in he's in light blue scrubs again and he still has a stethoscope around his neck fresh from work very nice touch i swear every time i see him straight off a shift i have to hide the stupid grin on my face i give him a quick kiss and then turn back toward my office i have a few things to finish up and then we can go back to my place he follows me into my office and closes the door you got a couch he asks looking around my office i've spent some of this week putting the finishing touches on it i bought a couple of lamps so i don't have to turn on the overpowering fluorescent lights the lamps give the rim a soft glow i also bought a few plants to keep here permanently it's no garden but it's as close as it gets it's come a long way since this room was being used to storage for vegetable crates while walks over to the couch and falls down onto it face first take your time he mumbles into the pillow i'll just nap until you're finished i sometimes worry about how hard he pushes himself with work but i don't say anything i've been sitting in my office going on twelve hours now so i don't have much room to talk when it comes to being too ambitious i spend the next fifteen or so minutes finalizing orders when i'm finished i close my laptop and look over at while i thought he'd be asleep but instead he's on his side with his head propped up on his hand he's been watching me this whole time and seeing the smile on his face makes me blush i push my chair back and stand up lilly i think i like you too much he says as i make my way over to him i scrunch up my nose as he sits up on the couch and pulls me onto his lap too much that doesn't sound like a compliment that's because i don't know if it is he says he adjusts my legs on either side of him and then wraps his arms around my waist this is my first real relationship i don't know if i'm supposed to like you this much yet i don't want to scare you away i laugh like that could ever happen you work way too much to smother me he rubs his hands up my back does it bother you that i work too much i shake my head no i worry about you sometimes because i don't want you to burn yourself out but i don't mind that i have to share you with your passion i actually really like how ambitious you are it's kind of sexy it might even be my favorite thing about you you know what i like the most about you i already know this answer i say smiling my mouth he leans his head back against the couch oh yeah that does come first but do you know what my second favorite thing about you is i shake my head you don't put pressure on me to be something i'm incapable of being you accept me exactly how i am i smile well in all fairness you're a little different from when i first met you you aren't so anti-girlfriend anymore that's because you make it easy he says sliding a hand inside the back of my shirt it's easy being with you i can still have the career i've always wanted but you make it ten times better with the way you support me when i'm with you i feel like i get to have my cake and eat it too now both of his hands are beneath my shirt pressed against my back he pulls me toward him and kisses me i grin against his mouth and whisper is it the best cake you've ever tasted one of his hands moves to the back of my bra and he unfastens it with ease i'm pretty sure but maybe i need another taste of it to be positive he pulls my shirt and bra over my head i begin to push myself off of him so i can pull off my jeans but he pulls me back onto his lap he grabs his stethoscope and puts it in his ears then presses the diaphragm against my chest right over my heart what's got your heart so worked up lily i shrug innocently it might have a little to do with you dr kincade he drops the end of the stethoscope and then lifts me off of him pushing me back onto the couch he spreads my legs and kneels down on the couch between them placing the stethoscope against my chest again he uses his other hand to hold himself up as he continues listening to my heart i'd say you're at about 90 beats per minute he says is that good or bad he grins and lowers himself on top of me i'll be satisfied when it reaches 140. yeah if it reaches 140 i'm thinking i'll be satisfied too he lowers his mouth to my chest and my eyes fall shut when i feel his tongue slide across my breast he takes me in his mouth keeping the stethoscope pressed against my chest the entire time you're at about 100 now he says he wraps the stethoscope around his neck again and then pulls back unbuttoning my jeans once he slides them off of me he turns me over until i'm on my stomach my arms draped over the arm of the couch get on your knees he says i do what he says and before i'm even adjusted i feel the cold metal of the stethoscope meet my chest again this time with his arm snaked around me from behind i remain still as he listens to my heartbeat his other hand slowly begins to find its way between my legs and then inside my panties and then inside of me i grip the couch but try to keep the noises to a minimum while he listens to my heart 110 he says still unsatisfied he pulls my hips back to meet him and then i can feel him freeing himself from his scrubs he grips my hip with one hand while shoving my panties aside with the other then he pushes forward until he's all the way inside of me i'm grasping the couch with two desperate fists when he pauses to listen to my heart again lily he says with mock disappointment 120 not quite where i want you the stethoscope disappears again and his arm curls around my waist his hand slides down my stomach and settles between my legs i can no longer keep up with his rhythm i can barely even stay on my knees he's somehow holding me up with one hand and destroying me in the best possible way with his other hand right when i start to tremble he pulls me upright until my back meets his chest he's still inside me but now he's focused on my heart again as he moves his stethoscope around to the front of my chest i let out a moan and he presses his lips to my ear sure no noises i have no idea how i make it through the next 30 seconds without making another sound one of his arms is wrapped around me with the stethoscope pressed to my chest his other arm is tight against my stomach as his hand continues its magic between my legs he's still somehow deep inside me and i'm trying to move against him but his rock solid as the tremors begin to rush through me my legs are shaking and my hands are at my sides gripping the tops of his thighs as it takes every ounce of my strength not to scream out his name i'm still shaking when he lifts my hand and places the diaphragm against my wrist after several seconds he pulls the stethoscope away and tosses it to the floor 150 he says with satisfaction he pulls out of me and flips me onto my back and then his mouth is on mine and he's inside me again my body is too weak to move and i can't even open my eyes and watch him he thrusts against me several times and then holds still groaning into my mouth he drops on top of me tense yet shaking he kisses my neck and then his lips meet the tattoo of the heart on my collarbone he finally settles against my neck and size have i already mentioned tonight how much i like you he asks i laugh once or twice consider this the third time he says i like you everything about you lily being inside of you being outside of you being near you i like it all i smile loving how his words feel against my skin inside my heart i open my mouth to tell him i like him too but my voice is cut off by the sound of his phone he grinds against my neck and then pulls out of me and reaches for his phone he pulls his scrubs back into place and laughs as he looks at his caller id it's my mother he says leaning over and kissing the top of my knee that's resting against the back of the couch he tosses the phone aside and then stands and walks over to my desk grabbing a box of tissues this is always awkward having to clean up after sex but i can't say it's ever been this awkward before knowing his mother is on the other end of that ring once all my clothes are back in place he pulls me against him on the couch and i lie down on top of him resting my head on his chest it's after 10 now and i'm so comfortable i debate just sleeping here for the night ryle's phone makes another noise alerting him to a new voicemail the thought of seeing him interact with his mother makes me smile alyssa talks about their parents son but i've never really talked to rile about them before do you get along with your parents his arm is stroking mind gently yeah i do they're good people we hit a rough patch when i was a teenager but we worked through it i talked to my mother almost daily now i fold my arms over his chest and rest my chin on them looking up at him will you tell me more about your mother alyssa told me they moved to england a few years ago and that they were in australia on vacation but that was like a month ago he laughs my mother well my mother is very overbearing very judgmental especially of the people she loves the most she's never missed a single church service and i have never heard her refer to my father as anything other than dr kincaid despite the warnings he smiles the whole time he talks about her your father is a doctor too he nods psychiatrist he chose a field that also allowed him to have a normal life smart man do they ever visit you in boston not really my mother hates flying so alyssa and i fly to england a couple of times a year she does want to meet you though so you might be going with us on the next trip i grin you've told your mother about me of course he says this is kind of a monumental thing you know me having a girlfriend she calls me every day to make sure i haven't screwed it up somehow i laugh which makes him reach for his phone you think i'm kidding i guarantee she somehow brought you up in the voicemail she just left he presses a few keys and then begins to play the voicemail hey sweetheart it's your mom haven't spoken to you since yesterday miss you give lily a hug for me you do still see her right alyssa says you can't stop talking about her she is still your girlfriend right okay gretchen's here we're having high tea love you kiss kiss i press my face against his chest and laugh we've only been dating a few months how much do you talk about me he pulls my hand up between us and kisses it too much lily way too much i smile i can't wait to meet them not only did they raise an incredible daughter but they made you that's pretty impressive his arms tighten around me and he kisses the top of my head what was your brother's name i asked him i can feel a slight stiffness in him after i ask that i regret bringing it up but it's too late to take it back emerson i can tell by his voice that it's not something he wants to talk about right now instead of pressing it further i lift my head and scoot forward pressing my mouth to his i should know better kisses can't seem to stop at just kisses when it comes to me and ryle in a matter of minutes he's inside of me again that this time it's everything the other time wasn't this time we make love chapter 14 my phone rings i pick it up to see who it is and i'm a little taken aback it's the first time ryle has ever called me we always just text howard to have a boyfriend for over three months that i've never once spoken to on the phone hello hey girlfriend he says i smile cheesily at the sound of his voice hey boyfriend guess what what i'm taking the day off tomorrow your floral shop doesn't open until one o'clock on sundays i'm on my way to your apartment with two bottles of wine you want to have a sleepover with your boyfriend and have drunken sex all night and sleep until noon it's really embarrassing what his words do to me i smile and say guess what what i'm cooking you dinner and i'm wearing an apron oh yeah he says just an apron and then i hung up a few seconds later i get a text message well pick please me get over here and you can take the picture yourself i'm almost finished preparing the casserole mixture when the door opens i pour it into the glass pan and don't turn around when i hear him walk into the kitchen when i said i was just wearing an apron i meant it i'm not even wearing panties i can hear him suck in a rush of air when i reach over to the oven and stick the casserole inside i might reach a little too far for show when i do it when i close the oven i don't face him i grab a rag and start wiping down the oven making sure to sway my hips as much as possible i squeal when i feel a piercing sting on my right foot cheek i spin around and rile is grinning holding two bottles of wine did you just bite me he gives me an innocent look don't tempt the scorpion if you don't want to get stung he eyes me up and down while he opens one of the bottles he holds it up before he pours us a glass and says it's vintage vintage i say with mock impression what's the special occasion he hands me a glass and says i'm going to be an uncle i have a smoking hot girlfriend and i get to perform a very rare possibly once in a lifetime crania biggest separation on monday a craniowatt he finishes off his glass of wine and pours himself another one crania pigus separation conjoined twins he says he points to a spot on the top of his head and taps it attached right here we've been studying them since they were born it's a very rare surgery very rare for the first time i think i'm genuinely turned on by him as a doctor i mean i admire his drive i admire his dedication but seeing how excited he is about what he's doing for a living is seriously sexy how long do you think it'll take i ask he shrugs not sure they're young so being under general anesthesia for too long is a concern he holds up his right hand and wiggles his fingers but this is a very special hand that has been through almost half a million dollars worth of specialty education i have a lot of faith in this hand i walk over to him and press my lips to his palm i'm a little fond of this hand too he slides the hand down to my neck and then spins me so that i'm flush against the counter i gasp because i wasn't expecting that he pushes himself against me from behind and slowly slides his hand down the side of my body i press my palms into the granite and close my eyes already feeling the rush of the wine this hand he whispers is the steadiest hand in all of boston he pushes on the back of my neck bending me further over the counter his hand meets the inside of my knee and he glides it upward slowly jesus he pushes my legs apart and then his fingers are inside me i moan and try to find something to hold on to i grip the faucet just as he begins to work magic and then just like a magician his hand disappears i hear him walking out of the kitchen i watch as he passes the front of the counter he winks at me downs the rest of his glass of wine and says i'm gonna take a quick shower what a tease you i yell after him i'm not an he yells from my bedroom i'm a highly trained neurosurgeon i laugh and pour myself another glass of wine i'll show him who the tease really is i'm on my third glass of wine when he walks out of my bedroom i'm on the phone with my mother so i watch him from the couch as he makes his way to the kitchen and pours himself another glass that is some seriously good wine what are you doing tonight my mother asks i have her on speakerphone well is leaning against a wall watching me talk to her not much helping while study that sounds not very interesting she says ryle winks at me it's actually very interesting i say to her i help him study at lot mostly reviewing fine motor control of the hands in fact we'll probably be up all night studying the three glasses of wine has made me frisky i can't believe i'm flirting with him while i'm on the phone with my mother gross i gotta go i tell her we're taking alyssa and marshall out to dinner tomorrow night so i'll call you on monday oh where are you taking them i roll my eyes the woman can't take a hint i don't know while where are we taking them that place we went to that one time with your mom he says bibs i made reservations for six o'clock my heart feels like it slinks down my chest my mother says oh good choice yeah if you like stale bread bye mom i hang up and look at ryle i don't want to go back there i didn't like it let's try something new i fail to tell him why i really don't want to go back there but how do you tell your brand new boyfriend that you're trying to avoid your first love roll pushes off the wall you'll be fine he says alisa's excited to eat there i told her all about it maybe i'll get lucky and atlas won't be working speaking of food ryle says i'm starving the casserole oh i say laughing rile rushes to the kitchen and i stand up and follow him in there i walk in just as he pulls the oven door open and waves away the smoke ruined i get dizzy all of a sudden from standing up too fast after having three glasses of wine i grab the counter beside him to steady myself just as he reaches in to pull the burnt casserole out ryle you need a he yells pot holder the casserole falls from his hand and lands on the floor shattering everywhere i lift up my feet to avoid broken glass and mushroom chicken splatter i start laughing as soon as i realize he didn't even think to use a pot holder must be the wine this is some seriously strong wine he slams the oven shut and moves to the faucet shoving his hand under the cold water muttering curse words i'm trying to suppress my laughter but the wine and the ridiculousness of the last few seconds are making it hard i look at the floor at the mess we're about to have to clean up and the laughter bursts from me i'm still laughing as i lean over to get a look at royal's hand i hope he didn't hurt it too bad i'm instantly not laughing anymore i'm on the floor my hand pressed against the corner of my eye in a matter of one second ryle's arm came out of nowhere and slammed against me knocking me backward there was enough force behind it to knock me off balance when i lost my footing i hit my face on one of the cabinet door handles as i came down pain shoots through the corner of my eye right near my temple and then i feel the weight heaviness follows and it presses down on every part of me so much gravity pushing down on my emotions everything shatters my tears my heart my laughter my soul shattered like broken glass raining down around me i wrapped my arms over my head and tried to wish away the last 10 seconds god damn it lily i hear him say it's not funny this hand is my career i don't look up at him his voice doesn't penetrate through my body this time it feels like it's stabbing me now the sharpness of each of his words coming at me like swords then i feel him next to me his goddamn hand on my back rubbing lily he says oh god lily he tries to pull my arms from my head but i refuse to budge i start shaking my head wanting the last 15 seconds to go away 15 seconds that's all it takes to completely change everything about a person 15 seconds that will never get back he pulls me against him and starts kissing the top of my head i'm so sorry i just i burned my hand i panicked you were laughing and i'm so sorry it all happened so fast i didn't mean to push you lily i'm sorry i don't hear ryle's voice this time all i hear is my father's voice i'm sorry jenny it was an accident i'm so sorry i'm sorry lily it was an accident i'm so sorry i just want him away from me i use every ounce of strength i have in both my hands and legs and i force him the away from me he falls backward onto his hands his eyes are full of genuine sorrow but then they're full of something else worry panic he slowly pulls up his right hand and it's covered in blood blood is trickling out of his palm down his wrist i look at the floor at the shattered pieces of glass from the casserole dish his hand i just pushed him onto glass he turns around and pulls himself up he sticks his hand under the stream of water and starts rinsing away the blood i stand up just as he pulls a sliver of glass out of his palm and tosses it on the counter i'm full of so much anger but somehow concern for his hand still finds its way out i grab a towel and shove it into his fist there's so much blood it's his right hand his surgery monday i try to help stop the bleeding but i'm shaking too bad while your hand he pulls the hand away and with his good hand he lifts my chin the hand lily i don't care about my hand are you okay he's looking back and forth between my eyes frantically as he assesses the cut on my face my shoulders begin to shake and huge hatfield tears spilled down my cheeks no i'm a little in shock and i know he can hear my heart breaking with just that one word because i can feel it in every part of me oh my god you pushed me while you the realization of what has just happened hurts worse than the actual action while wraps his arm around my neck and desperately holds me against him i'm so sorry lily god i'm so sorry he buries his face against my hair squeezing me with every emotion inside of him please don't hate me please his voice slowly starts to become rile's voice again and i feel it in my stomach in my toes his entire career depends on his hand so it has to say something that he's not even worried about it right i'm so confused there's too much happening the smoke the wine the broken glass the food splattered everywhere the blood the anger the apologies it's too much i'm so sorry he says again i pull back and his eyes are red and i've never seen him look so sad i panicked i didn't mean to push you away i just panicked all i could think about was the surgery monday in my hand and i'm so sorry he presses his mouth to mine and breathes me in he's not like my father he can't be he's nothing like that uncaring bastard we're both upset and kissing and confused and sad i've never felt anything like this moment so ugly and painful but somehow the only thing that eases the hurt just caused by this man is this man my tears are soothed by his sorrow my emotions soothed with his mouth against mine his hand gripping me like he never wants to let go i feel his arms go around my waist and he picks me up carefully stepping through the mess we've made i can't tell if i'm more disappointed in him or myself him for losing his temper in the first place or me for somehow finding comfort in his apology he carries me and kisses me all the way to my bedroom he's still kissing me when he lowers me to the bed and whispers i'm sorry lily he moves his lips to the spot on my eye that hit the cabinet and he kisses me there i'm so sorry his mouth is on mine again hot and wet and i don't even know what's happening to me i'm hurting so much on the inside yet my body craves his apology in the form of his mouth and hands on me i want to lash out at him and react like i always wish my mother would have reacted when my father hurt her but deep down i want to believe that it really was an accident ryle isn't like my father he's nothing like him i need to feel his sorrow his regret i get both of these things in the way he kisses me i spread my legs for him and his sorrow comes in another form slow apologetic thrusts inside of me every time he enters me he whispers another apology and by some miracle every time he pulls out of me my anger leaves with him he's kissing my shoulder my cheek my eye he's still on top of me touching me gently i've never been touched like this with such tenderness i tried to forget what happened in the kitchen but it's everything right now he pushed me away from him while pushed me for 15 seconds i saw a side of him that wasn't him that wasn't me i laughed at him when i should have been concerned he shoved me when he should have never touched me i pushed him away and caused him to cut his hand it was awful the whole thing the entire 15 seconds it lasted was absolutely awful i never want to think about it again he still has the rag balled up in his hand and it's soaked with blood i push against his chest i'll be right back i tell him he kisses me one more time and rolls off of me i walk to the bathroom and close the door i look in the mirror and gasp blood in my hair on my cheeks on my body it's all his blood i grab a rag and try to wash some off and then i look under the sink for the first aid kit i have no idea how bad his hand is first he burned it then he sliced it open not even an hour after he was just telling me how important this surgery was to him no more wine we're never allowed vintage wine again i grabbed the box from under the sink and opened the bedroom door he's walking back into the bedroom from the kitchen with a small bag of ice he holds it up for your eye he says i hold up the first aid kit for your hand we both smile and then sit back down on the bed he leans against the headboard while i pull his hand to my lap the whole time i'm dressing his wound he's holding the bag of ice against my eye i squeeze some antiseptic cream onto my finger and dab it against the burns on his fingers they don't look as bad as i thought they might be so that's a relief can you prevent it from blistering i ask him he shakes his head not if it's second degree i want to ask him if he can still perform the surgery if his fingers have blisters on them come monday but i don't bring it up i'm sure that's on the forefront of his mind right now do you want me to put some on your cut he nods the bleeding has stopped i'm sure if he needed stitches he'd get some but i think it'll be fine i pull the ace bandage out of the first aid kit and begin wrapping his hand lily he whispers i look up at him his head is resting against the headboard and it looks like he wants to cry i feel terrible he says if i could take it back i know i say cutting him off i know ryle it was terrible you pushed me you made me question everything i thought i knew about you but i know you feel bad about it we can't take it back i don't want to bring it up again i secure the bandage around his hand and then look him in the eye but ryle if anything like that ever happens again i'll know that this time wasn't just an accident and i'll leave you without a second thought he stares at me for a long time his eyebrows drawn apart in regret he leans forward and presses his lips against mine it won't happen again lily i swear i'm not like him i know that's what you're thinking but i swear to you i shake my head wanting him to stop i can't take the pain in his voice i know you're nothing like my father i say just please don't ever make me doubt you again please he brushes hair from my forehead you're the most important part of my life lily i want to be what brings you happiness not what causes you to hurt he kisses me and then stands up and leans over me pressing the ice to my face hold this here for about ten more minutes it'll prevent it from swelling i replace his hand with mine where are you going he kisses me on the forehead and says to clean up my mess he spends the next 20 minutes cleaning the kitchen i can hear glass being tossed into the trash can wine being poured out in the sink i go to the bathroom and take a quick shower to get his blood off of me and then i change the sheets on my bed when he finally has the kitchen cleaned up he comes to the bedroom with a glass he hands it to me it's soda he says the caffeine will help i take a drink of it and feel it fizz down my throat it's actually the perfect thing i take another drink and set it on my nightstand what's it help with the hangover slides into bed and pulls the covers over us he shakes his head no i don't think soda actually helps anything my mom just used to give me a soda after i'd had a bad day and it always made me feel a little better i smile well it worked he brushes his hand down my cheek and i can see in his eyes and in the way he touches me that he deserves at least one chance at forgiveness i feel if i don't find a way to forgive him i'll somewhat be placing blame on him for the resentment i still hold for my father he's not like my father while loves me he's never come out and said it before but i know he does and i love him what happened in the kitchen tonight is something i'm confident won't happen again not after seeing how upset he is that he hurt me all humans make mistakes what determines a person's character aren't the mistakes we make it's how we take those mistakes and turn them into lessons rather than excuses whilst i somehow grow even more sincere and he leans over and kisses my hand he settles his head into the pillow and we just lie there staring at each other sharing this unspoken energy that fills all the holes the night has left in us after a few minutes he squeezes my hand lily he says brushing his thumb over mine i'm in love with you i feel his words in every part of me and when i whisper i love you too it's the most naked truth i've ever spoken to him chapter 15 i arrive at the restaurant 15 minutes late right when i was about to close tonight i had a customer come in to order flowers for a funeral i couldn't turn them away because sadly funerals are the best business for florists waves me over to the table and i walk straight to them doing my best not to look around i don't want to see atlas i tried twice to get them to change the restaurant location but alyssa was hell bent on eating here after all told her how good it was i slide into the booth and while leans over and kisses me on the cheek hey girlfriend alyssa groans god you guys are so cute it's sickening i smile at her and her eyes immediately go to the corner of my eye it doesn't look as bad as i thought it might today which is probably due to rail forcing me to keep ice on it oh my god alyssa says well told me what happened but i didn't think it was that bad i glance at ryle wondering what he told her the truth he smiles and says olive oil was everywhere when she slipped it was so graceful you'd think she was a ballerina a lie enough i would have done the same thing it was pretty pathetic i say with a laugh somehow we get through dinner without a hitch no sign of atlas no thoughts of last night and ryle and i both avoid the wine after we're finished with our food our waiter approaches the table care for dessert he asks i shake my head but alyssa perks what do you have marshall looks just as interested we're eating for two so we'll take anything chocolate he says the waiter nods and when he walks away alyssa looks at marshall this baby is the size of a bed bug right now you better not encourage bad habits for the next several months the waiter returns with a dessert cart the chef gives all expectant mothers dessert on the house he says congratulations he does alyssa says perking up guess that's why it's called bibs marshall says chef likes the babies we all look at the cart oh god i say looking at the options this is my new favorite restaurant alyssa says we pick out three desserts for the table the four of us spend the time waiting for it to be served discussing baby names no alyssa says to marshall we're not naming this baby after a state but i love nebraska he whines idaho alyssa drops her head in her hands this is going to be the demise of our marriage demise marshall says that's actually a good name marshall's murder is thwarted by the arrival of dessert our waiter places a piece of chocolate cake in front of alyssa and steps aside to make room for the waiter behind him who is holding the other two desserts the waiter motions toward the guy placing our desserts down and says the chef would like to extend his congratulations how was the meal the chef asks looking at alyssa and marshall by the time his eyes make it to mine my anxiety is seeping from me atlas locks eyes with me and without thinking i blart out you're the chef the waiter leans around atlas and says the chef the owner sometimes waiter sometimes dishwasher he gives a new meaning to hands-on the next five seconds go unnoticed by everyone at our table but they play out in slow motion to me atlas's eyes fall to the cut on my eye the bandage wrapped around rile's hand back to my eye we love your restaurant alyssa says you have an incredible place here atlas doesn't look at her i see the role of his throat as he swallows his jaw hardens and he says nothing as he walks away the waiter tries to cover for atlas's hasty retreat by smiling and showing way too many teas enjoy your dessert he says scuffling off to the kitchen bummer alyssa says we find a new favorite restaurant and the chef is an wild laughs yeah but the are the best ones gordon ramsay good point marshall says i put my hand on ryle's arm bathroom i tell him he nods as i skit out of the booth and marshall says what about wolfgang puck you think he's an i walk across the restaurant head down fast paced as soon as i get into the familiar hallway i keep going i push open the door to the women's restroom and then turn around and lock it the look in his eye the anger in his jaw i'm relieved he walked away but i'm half convinced he's probably going to be waiting outside the restaurant when we leave ready to kick wild's ass i breathe in my nose out my mouth wash my hands repeat the breathing once i'm more calm i dry my hands on a towel i'll just go back out there and tell ryle i'm not feeling well we'll leave and we'll never come back they all think the chef is an so that can be my excuse i unlock the door but i don't pull it open it starts pushing open from the other side so i step back atlas steps inside the bathroom with me and locks the door his back rests against the door as he stares at me focused on the cut near my eye what happened he asks i shake my head nothing his eyes are narrow still ice blue but somehow burning with fire you're lying lily i muster enough of a smile to get me by it was an accident atlas laughs but then his face falls flat leave him leave him jesus he thinks this is something else entirely i take a step forward and shake my head he's not like that atlas it wasn't like that while is a good person he tilts his head and leans it forward a little bit funny you sound just like your mother his words sting i immediately try to reach around him for the door but he grabs my wrist leave him lily i yank my hand away i turn my back to him and inhale a deep breath i release it slowly as i face him again if it's any comparison at all i'm more scared of you right now than i've ever been of him my words make atlas pause for a moment his nod starts out slowly and then gets more prominent as he steps away from the door i certainly didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable he motions toward the door just trying to repay the concern you've always shown me i stare at him for a moment unsure how to take his words he's still raging on the inside i can see it but on the outside his calm collected allowing me to leave i reach forward and unlock the door then pull it open i gasp when my eyes meet riles i quickly glance over my shoulder to see atlas filing out of the bathroom with me while's eyes filled with confusion as he looks from me to atlas what the lily well my voice shakes god this looks so much worse than it is atlas steps around me and turns toward the doors to the kitchen as if raul doesn't even exist to him ryle's eyes are glued to atlas's back keep walking atlas right when atlas reaches the kitchen doors he pauses no no no keep walking in what becomes one of the most dreadful moments i can imagine he spins around and strides toward ryle grabbing him by the collar of his shirt almost as soon as it happens while forces atlas back and slams him against the opposite wall atlas lunges for ryle again this time shoving his forearm against ryle's throat pinning him against the wall you touch her again and i'll cut your hand off and shove it down your throat you worthless piece of atlas stop i yell atlas releases ralph forcefully taking a huge step back while is breathing heavily staring at atlas long and hard then his focus moves directly to me atlas he says his name with familiarity why is rael saying atlas's name like that like he's heard me say it before i've never told him about atlas wait i did that first night on the roof it was one of my naked truths while lets out a disbelieving laugh and points at atlas that is still looking at me this is atlas the homeless boy you pitifucked oh god the hallway instantly becomes a blur of fists and elbows and my screams for them to stop two waiters push through the door behind me and shove past me separating them just as quickly as it started they are pushed apart against opposite walls staring each other down breathing heavily i can't even look at either of them i can't look at atlas not after what ryle just said to him i also can't look at role because he's probably thinking the absolute worst possible thing right now out atlas yells pointing at the door but looking at ryle get the hell out of my restaurant i meet ryle's eyes as he begins to walk past me scared of what i'll see in them but there isn't any anger there only hurt lots of hurt he pauses as if he's about to say something to me but his face just twists into disappointment and he walks back out into the restaurant i finally glance up at atlas and can see disappointment all across his face before i can explain away rael's words to him he turns and walks away pushing through the kitchen doors i immediately turn and run after while he grabs his jacket from the booth and walks toward the exit without even looking at alyssa and marshall alyssa looks up at me and holds her hands up in question i shake my head grab my purse and say it's a long story we'll talk tomorrow i follow while outside in his walking toward the parking lot i run to catch up to him and he just stops and punches at the air i didn't bring my car he yells frustrated i pull my keys out of my purse and he walks up to me and snatches them from my hand again i follow him this time to my car i don't know what to do i don't know if he even wants to speak to me right now he just saw me locked in a bathroom with a guy i used to be in love with then out of nowhere that guy attacks him god this is so bad when we reach my car he heads straight for the driver's side door he points to the passenger side and says get in lily he doesn't speak to me the entire time we're driving i say his name once but he just shakes his head like he's not ready to hear my explanation yet when we pull into my parking garage he gets out of the car as soon as he turns it off like he can't get away from me fast enough he's pacing the length of the car when i get out it wasn't what it looked like while i swear he stops pacing and when he looks at me my heart doubles over there's so much pain in his eyes right now and it's not even necessary it was all due to a stupid misunderstanding i didn't want this lily he says i didn't want a relationship i didn't want this stress in my life as much as his hurting because of what he thinks he saw his words still piss me off well then leave what i throw my hands up i don't want to be your burden well i'm so sorry my presence in your life is so unbearable he takes a step forward lily that's not at all what i'm saying he throws his hands up in frustration and then walks past me he leans against my car and folds his arms over his chest there's a long stretch of silence while i wait for what he has to say his head is down but he lifts it slightly looking up at me naked truths lily that's all i want from you right now can you please give me that i'm not did you know he worked there i pass my lips together and wrap my arm over my chest grabbing at my elbow yes that's why i didn't want to go back while i didn't want to run into him my answer seems to release a little of his tension he runs a hand down his face did he tell him what happened last night did you tell him about our fight i take a step forward and shake my head adamantly no he assumed he saw my eye on your hand and he just assumed he blows out a laden breath and leans his head back looking up at the roof it looks like it's almost too painful for him to even ask the next question why were you alone with him in the bathroom i take another step forward he followed me in there i know nothing about him now while i didn't even know he owned that restaurant i thought he was just a waiter he's not a part of my life anymore i swear he just i fold my arms together and drop my voice we both grew up in abusive households he saw my face in your hand and he was just worried for me that's all it was while brings his hands up and covers his mouth i can hear the air rushing through his fingers as he releases his breath he stands up straight allowing himself a moment to soak in all i've just said my turn he says he pushes off the car and takes the three steps toward me that previously separated us he puts both hands on my cheeks and looks me dead in the eyes if you don't want to be with me please tell me right now lily because when i saw you with him that hurt i never want to feel that again and if it hurts this much now i'm terrified to think of what it could do to me a year from now i can feel the tears begin to stream down my cheeks i place my hands on top of his and shake my head i don't want anyone else well i only want you he forces the saddest smile i've ever seen on a human he pulls me to him and holds me there i wrap my arms around him as tight as i can as he presses his lips to the side of my head i love you lily god i love you i squeeze him tight pressing a kiss to his shoulder i love you too i close my eyes and wish i could wash away the entire last two days atlas is wrong about ryle i just wish atlus knew he was wrong chapter 16 i mean i'm not trying to be selfish but you didn't taste the dessert lily elissa groans oh it was so good we're never going back there i say to her she stomps her foot like a little kid but nope we have to respect your brother's feelings she folds her arms over her chest i know i know why did you have to be a hormonal teenager and fall in love with the best chef in boston he wasn't a chef when i knew him whatever she says she walks out of my office and closes the door my phone buzzes with an incoming text well five hours down about five more to go so far so good hand is great i sigh relieved i wasn't sure if he'd be able to do the surgery today but knowing how much he was looking forward to it makes me happy for him me steadiest hands in all of boston i open my laptop and check my email the first thing i see is an inquiry from the boston globe i open it and it's from a journalist interested in running an article about the store i grin like an idiot and start emailing her back when alyssa knocks on the door she opens it and sticks her head in hey she says hey i say back she taps her fingers on the door frame remember a few minutes ago when you told me i could never go back to bibs because it's unfair to roll that the boy you loved when you were a teenager is the owner i fall back against my chair what do you want alyssa she scrunches up her nose and says if it isn't fair that we can't go back there because of the owner how is it fair that the owner gets to come here what i close my laptop and stand up why would you say that is he here she nods and slips inside my office closing the door behind her he is he asked for you and i know you're with my brother and i'm with child but can we please just take a moment to silently admire the perfection that is that man she smiles dreamily and i roll my eyes alyssa those eyes though she opens the door and walks out i follow behind her and catch sight of atlas she's right here alyssa says would you like me to take your coat we don't take coats atlas glances up when i walk out of my office his eyes cut to alyssa and he shakes his head no thank you i won't be long alyssa leans forward over the counter dropping her chin on her hands stay as long as you like in fact are you looking for an extra job lily needs to hire more people and we're looking for someone who can lift really heavy things requires a lot of flexibility bending over i narrow my eyes at alyssa and mouth enough she shrugs innocently i hold my door open for atlas but avoid looking directly at him as he passes me i feel a world of guilt for what happened last night but also a world of anger for what happened last night i walk around my desk and drop into my seat prepared for an argument that when i look up at him i clamp my mouth shut he's smiling he waves his hand around in a circle as he takes a seat across from me this is incredible lily i pause thank you he continues smiling at me like he's proud of me then he places a bag between us on the desk and pushes it toward me a gift he says you can open it later why is he buying me gifts he has a girlfriend i have a boyfriend our past has already caused enough problems in my present i certainly don't need gifts to exacerbate that why are you buying me gifts atlas he leans back in his seat and crosses his arms over his chest i bought it three years ago i've been holding on to it in case i ever ran into you consider it atlas he hasn't changed damn it i pick up the gift and set it on the floor behind my desk i try to release some of the tension i'm feeling but it's really hard when everything about him makes me so tense i came here to apologize to you he says i wave off his apology letting him know it isn't necessary it's fine it was a misunderstanding ryle is fine he laughs under his breath that's not what i'm apologizing for he says i'd never apologize for defending you you weren't defending me i say there was nothing to defend he tilts his head giving me the same look that he gave me last night the one that lets me know how disappointed in me he is it stings deep in my gut i clear my throat why are you apologizing then he's quiet for a moment contemplative i wanted to apologize for saying that you sounded like your mother that was hurtful and i'm sorry i don't know why i always feel like crying when i'm around him when i think about him when i read about him it's like my emotions are still tethered to him somehow and i can't figure out how to cut the strings his eyes drop to my desk he reaches forward and grabs three things a pen a sticky note my phone he writes something down on the sticky note and then proceeds to pull my phone apart he slips the case off and puts the sticky note between the case and the phone then slides the cover back over it he pushes my phone back across the desk i look down at it and then up at him he stands up and tosses the pen on my desk it's my cell phone number keep it hidden there in case you ever need it i wince at the gesture the unnecessary gesture i won't need it i hope not he walks to the door and reaches for the doorknob and i know this is my only chance to get out what i have to say before he's out of my life forever atlas wait i stand up so fast my chair scoots across the room and bumps against the wall he half turns and faces me what while said to you last night i never i bring a nervous hand up to my neck i can feel my heart beating in my throat i never said that to him he was hurt and upset and he misconstrued my words from a long time ago the corner of atlas's mouth twitches and i'm not sure if he's trying not to smile or trying not to frown he faces me straight on believe me lily i know that wasn't a pity i was there he walks out the door and his words knock me straight back into my seat only my seat is no longer there it's still on the other side of my office and i'm now on the floor alyssa rushes in and i'm lying on my back behind my desk lily she runs around the desk and stands over me are you okay i hold up a thumb fine just missed my chair she reaches out her hand and helps me to my feet what was that all about i glance at the door as i retrieve my chair i take a seat and look down at my phone nothing he was just apologizing alyssa sighs longingly and looks back at the door so does that mean he doesn't want the job i've got to hand it to her even in the midst of emotional turmoil she can make me laugh get back to work before i dock your pay she laughs and makes to leave i tap my pen against my desk and then say alyssa wait i know she says cutting me off rile doesn't need to know about that visit you don't have to tell me i smile thank you she closes the door i reach down and pick up the bag with my three-year-old gift inside of it i pull it out and can easily tell it's a book wrapped in tissue paper i tear the tissue paper away and fall against the back of my chair there's a picture of ellen degeneres on the front the title is seriously i'm kidding i laugh and then open the book gasping quietly when i see its autographed i run my fingers over the words of the inscription lily atlas says just keep swimming ellen degeneres i run my finger over her signature then i drop the book on my desk press my forehead against it and fate cry against the cover chapter 17 it's after seven before i get home while called an hour ago and said he wouldn't be coming over tonight the confession cackle whatever that big word he used was separation was a success but he's staying at the hospital overnight to make sure there aren't complications i walk in the door to my quiet apartment i change into my quiet pajamas i eat a quiet sandwich and then i lie down in my quiet bedroom and open my quiet new book hoping it can quiet my emotions sure enough three hours and the majority of a book later all the emotions from the last several days begin to seep out of me i place a bookmark on the page where i stopped reading and i close it i stare at the book for a long time i think about ryle i think about atlas i think about how sometimes no matter how convinced you are that your life will turn out a certain way all that certainty can be washed away with a simple change in tide i take the buck atlas bought me and put it in the closet with all my journals then i pick up the one that's filled with memories of him and i know it's finally time to read the last entry i wrote then i can close the book for good dear ellen most of the time i'm thankful you don't know i exist and that i've never really mailed you any of these things i write to you but sometimes especially tonight i wish you did i just need someone to talk to about everything i'm feeling it's been six months since i've seen atlas and i honestly don't know where he is or how he's doing so much has happened since the last letter i wrote to you when atlas moved to boston i thought it was the last time i'd see him for a while but it wasn't i saw him again after he left several weeks later it was my 16th birthday and when he showed up it became the absolute best day of my life and then the absolute worst it had been exactly 42 days since atlas left for boston i counted every day like it would help somehow i was so depressed ellen i still am people say that teenagers don't know how to love like an adult part of me believes that but i'm not an adult and so i have nothing to compare it to but i do believe it's probably different i'm sure there's more substance in the love between two adults than there is between two teenagers there's probably more maturity more respect more responsibility but no matter how different the substance of a love might be at different ages in a person's life i know that love still has to weigh the same you feel that weight on your shoulders and in your stomach and on your heart no matter how old you are and my feelings for atlas are very heavy every night i cry myself to sleep and i whisper just keep swimming but it gets really hard to swim when you feel like you're anchored in the water now that i think about it i've probably been experiencing the stages of grief in a sense denial anger bargaining depression and acceptance i was deep in the depression stage the night of my 16th birthday my mother had tried to make the day a good one she bought me gardening supplies made my favorite cake and the two of us went to dinner together but by the time i had crawled into bed that night i couldn't shake the sadness i was crying when i heard the tap on my window at first i thought it had started raining but then i heard his voice i jumped up and ran to the window my heart in hysterics he was standing there in the dark smiling at me i raised the window and helped him inside and he took me in his arms and held me there for so long while i cried he smelled so good i could tell when i hugged him that he'd put on some much-needed weight in just the six weeks since i'd last seen him he pulled back and wiped the tears off my cheeks why are you crying lily i was embarrassed that i was crying i cried a lot that month probably more than any other month of my life it was probably just the hormones of being a teenage girl mixed with the stress of how my father treated my mother and then having to say goodbye to atlas i grabbed a shirt from the floor and dried my eyes then we sat down on the bed he pulled me against his chest and leaned against my headboard what are you doing here i asked him it's your birthday he said and you're still my favorite person and i've missed you it was probably no later than 10 o'clock when he got there but we talked so much i remember it was after midnight the next time i looked at the clock i can't even remember what all we talked about but i do remember how i felt he seemed so happy and there was a light in his eyes that i'd never seen there before like he'd finally found his home he said he wanted to tell me something and his voice grew serious he readjusted me so that i was straddling his lap because he wanted me to look him in the eyes when he told me i was thinking maybe he was about to tell me he had a girlfriend or that he was leaving even sooner for the military but what he said next shocked me he said the first night he went to that old house he wasn't there because he needed a place to stay he went there to kill himself my hands went up to my mouth because i had no idea things had gotten that bad for him so bad that he didn't even want to live anymore i hope you never know what it's like to feel that lonely lily he said he went on to tell me that the first night he was at that house he was sitting in the living room floor with a razor blade to his wrist right when he was about to use it my bedroom light went on you were standing there like an angel backlit by the light of heaven he said i couldn't take my eyes off you he watched me walk around my bedroom for a while watched me lie on the bed and write in my journal and he put down the razor blade because he said it had been a month since life had given him any sort of feeling at all and looking at me gave him a little bit of feeling enough to not be numb enough to end things that night then a day or two later is when i took him the food and set it on his back porch i guess you already know the rest of that story you saved my life lily he said to me and you weren't even trying he leaned forward and kissed that spot between my shoulder and my neck that he always kisses i like that he did it again i don't like much about my body but that spot on my collarbone has become my favorite part of me he took my hands in his and told me he was leaving sooner than he planned for the military but that he couldn't leave without telling me thank you he told me he'd be gone for four years and that the last thing he wanted for me was to be a sixteen-year-old girl not living my life because of a boyfriend i never got to see or hear from the next thing he said made his blue eyes tear up until they looked clear he said lily life is a funny thing we only get so many years to live it so we have to do everything we can to make sure those years are as full as they can be we shouldn't waste time on things that might happen someday or maybe even never i knew what he was saying that he was leaving for the military and he didn't want me to hold on to him while he was gone he wasn't really breaking up with me because we weren't ever really together we'd just been two people who helped each other when we needed it and got our hearts fused together along the way it was hard being let go by someone who had never really grabbed hold of me completely in the first place in all the time we've spent together i think we both sort of knew this wasn't a forever thing i'm not sure why because i could easily love him that way i think maybe under normal circumstances if we were together like typical teenagers and he had an average life with a home we could be that kind of couple the kind who comes together so easily and never experiences a life where cruelty sometimes intercepts i didn't even try to get him to change his mind that night i feel like we have the kind of connection that even the fires of hell couldn't sever i feel like he could go spend his time in the military and i'll spend my years being a teenager and then it will all fall back into place when the timing is right i'm going to make a promise to you he said when my life is good enough for you to be a part of it i'll come find you but i don't want you to wait around for me because that might never happen i didn't like that promise because it meant one of two things either he thought he might never make it out of the military alive or he didn't think his life would ever be good enough for me his life was already good enough for me but i nodded my head and forced to smile if you don't come back for me i'll come for you and it won't be pretty atlas corrigan he laughed at my threat well it won't be too hard to find me you know exactly where i'll be i smiled where everything is better he smiled back in boston and then he kissed me ellen i know you're an adult and know all about what comes next but i still don't feel comfortable telling you what happened over those next couple of hours let's just say we both kissed a lot we both laughed at lot we both loved lot we both breathed at alot and we both had to cover our mouths and be as quiet and still as we could so we wouldn't get caught when we were finished he held me against him skin to skin hand to heart he kissed me and looked straight in my eyes i love you lily everything you are i love you i know those words get thrown around a lot especially by teenagers a lot of times prematurely and without much merit but when he said them to me i knew he wasn't saying it like he was in love with me it wasn't that kind of i love you imagine all the people you meet in your life there are so many they come in like waves trickling in and out with the tide some waves are much bigger and make more of an impact than others sometimes the waves bring with them things from deep in the bottom of the sea and they leave those things tossed onto the shore imprints against the grains of sand that prove the waves had once been there long after the tide recedes that was what atlas was telling me when he said i love you he was letting me know that i was the biggest wave he'd ever come across and i brought so much with me that my impressions would always be there even when the tide rolled out after he said he loved me he told me he had a birthday present for me he pulled out a small brown bag it isn't much but it's all i could afford i opened the bag and pulled out the best present i'd ever received it was a magnet that said boston on the top at the bottom in tiny letters it said where everything is better i told him i would keep it forever and every time i look at it i'll think of him when i started out this letter i said my 16th birthday was one of the best days of my life because up until that second it was it was the next few minutes that weren't before atlas had shown up that night i wasn't expecting him so i didn't think to lock my bedroom door my father heard me in there talking to someone and when he threw open my door and saw atlas in bed with me he was angrier than i'd ever seen him an atlas was at a disadvantage by not being prepared for what came next i'll never forget that moment for as long as i live being completely helpless as my father came down on him with a baseball bat the sound of bone snapping was the only thing piercing through my screams i still don't know who called the police i'm sure it was my mother but it's been six months and we still haven't talked about that night by the time the police got to my bedroom and pulled my father off of him i didn't even recognize atlas he was covered in so much blood i was hysterical hysterical not only did they have to take atlas away in an ambulance they also had to call an ambulance for me because i couldn't breathe it was the first and only panic attack i've ever had no one would tell me where he was or if he was even okay my father wasn't even arrested for what he'd done word got out that atlas had been staying in the cold house and that he had been homeless my father became revered for his heroic act saving his little girl from the homeless boy who manipulated her into having sex with him my father said i'd shamed our whole family by giving the town something to gossip about and let me tell you they still gossip about it i had katie on the bus today telling someone she tried to warn me about atlas she said she knew he was bad news from the moment she laid eyes on him which is crap if atlas had been on the bus with me i probably would have kept my mouth shut and been mature about it like he tried to teach me to be instead i was so angry i turned around and told katie she could go to hell i told her atlas was a better human than she'd ever been if i ever heard her say one more bad thing about him she'd regret it she just rolled her eyes and said jesus lily did he brainwash you he was a dirty thieving homeless kid who was probably on drugs he used you for food and sex and now you're defending him she's lucky the bus stopped at my house right then i grabbed my backpack and walked off the bus then went inside and cried in my room for three hours straight now my head hurts but i knew the only thing that would make me feel better is if i finally got it all out on paper i've been avoiding writing this letter for six months now no offense ellen but my head still hurts so does my heart maybe even more right now than it did yesterday this letter didn't help one damn bit i think i'm going to take a break from writing to you for a while writing to you reminds me of him and it all hurts too much until he comes back for me i'm just going to keep pretending to be okay i'll keep pretending to swim when really all i'm doing is floating barely keeping my head above water lily i flick to the next page but it's blank that was the last time i ever wrote to ellen i also never heard from atlas again and a huge part of me never blamed him he almost died at the hands of my father there's not much room for forgiveness there i knew he survived and that he was okay because my curiosity has sometimes gotten the best of me over the years and i'd find what i could about him online there wasn't much though enough to let me know he'd survived and that he was in the military i still never got him out of my head though time made things better but sometimes i would see something that would remind me of him and it would put me in a funk it wasn't until i was in college for a couple of years and dating someone else that i realized maybe atlas wasn't supposed to be my whole life maybe he was only supposed to be a part of it maybe love isn't something that comes full circle it just ebbs and flows in and out just like the people in our lives on a particularly lonely night in college i went alone to a tattoo studio and had a heart put in the spot where he used to kiss me it's a tiny heart about the size of a thumbprint and it looks just like the heart he carved for me out of the oak tree it's not fully closed at the top and i wonder if atlas carved the heart like that on purpose because that's how my heart feels every time i think about him it just feels like there's a little hole in it letting out all the air after college i ended up moving to boston not necessarily because i was hoping to find him but because i had to see for myself if boston really was better plethora held nothing for me anyway and i wanted to get as far away from my father as i could even though he was sick and could no longer hurt my mother he still somehow made me want to escape the entire state of maine so that's exactly what i did seeing atlas in his restaurant for the first time filled me with so many emotions i didn't know how to process them i was glad to see that he was okay i was happy that he looked healthy but i would be lying if i said i wasn't a little bit heartbroken that he never tried to find me like he promised i love him i still do and i always will he was a huge wave that left a lot of imprints on my life and i'll feel the weight of that love until i die i've accepted that but things are different now after today when he walked out of my office i thought long and hard about us i think our lives are where they're supposed to be i have ryle atlas has his girlfriend we both have the careers we'd always hoped for just because we didn't end up on the same wave doesn't mean we aren't still a part of the same ocean things with while are still fairly new but i feel that same depth with him that i used to feel with atlas he loves me just like atlas did and i know if atlas had a chance to get to know him he would be able to see that and he'd be happy for me sometimes an unexpected wave comes along sucks you up and refuses to spit you back out while is my unexpected tidal wave and right now i'm skimming the beautiful surface part 2 chapter 18 oh god i think i might throw up while puts his thumb under my chin and tilts my face up to his he grins at me you'll be fine stop freaking out i shake my hands out and bounce up and down inside the elevator i can't help it i say everything you and alyssa have told me about your mother makes me so nervous my eyes widen and i bring my hands up to my mouth oh god while what if she asks me questions about jesus i don't go to church i mean i read the bible when i was younger but i don't know answers to any bible trivia questions really laughing now he pulls me to him and kisses the side of my head she won't talk about jesus she already loves you based on what i've told her all you have to do is be you lily i start nodding be me okay i think i can pretend to be me for one evening right the doors open and he walks me out of the elevator toward alyssa's apartment it's funny watching him knock but i guess he technically doesn't live here anymore over the last few months he just sort of slowly began staying with me all of his clothes are at my apartment his toiletries last week he even hung that ridiculous blurry photograph of me up in our bedroom and it really felt official after that does she know we live together i ask him is she okay with that i mean we aren't married she goes to church every sunday oh no while what if your mother thinks i'm a blasphemous rile nudges his head toward the apartment door and i spin around to see his mother standing in the doorway a layer of shock on her face mother while says meet lily my blasphemous oh dear god his mother reaches for me and pulls me in for a hug and her laughter is everything i need to get me through this moment lily she says pushing me out to arm's length so she can get a good look at me sweetie i don't think you're a blasphemous you're the angel i've been praying would land in rile's lap for the last 10 years she ushers us into the apartment rile's father is the next to greet me with a hug no definitely not a blasphemous he says not like marshall here who sank his teeth into my little girl when she was only seventeen he glares back at marshall who is sitting on the couch marshall laughs that's where you're wrong dr kincaid because alyssa was the one who sank her teeth into me first my teeth were in another girl who tasted like cheetos and marshall doubles over when alyssa elbows him in the side and just like that every single fear i had has vanished they're perfect they're normal they say and laugh at marshall's jokes i couldn't ask for anything better three hours later i'm lying on alyssa's bed with her their parents went to bed early claiming jet lag while and marshall are in the living room watching sports i have my hand on alyssa's stomach waiting to feel the baby kick her feet are right here she says moving my hand over a few inches give it a few seconds she's really active tonight we remain quiet while we both wait for her to kick when it happens i squeal with laughter oh my god it's like an alien alyssa holds her hands on her stomach smiling these last two and a half months are going to be hell she says i'm so ready to meet her me too i can't wait to be an aunt i can't wait for you and ryle to have a baby she says i fall onto my back and put my hands behind my bed i don't know if he wants any we've never really talked about it it doesn't matter if he doesn't want any she says he will he didn't want a relationship before you he didn't want to get married before you and i feel a proposal coming on any month now i propped my head up on my hand and face her we've barely been together six months pretty sure he wants to wait a lot longer than that i don't push things with while when it comes to speeding things up in our relationship our lives are perfect how they are we're too busy for a wedding anyway so i don't mind if he wants to wait a lot longer what about you alyssa presses would you say yes if he proposed i laugh are you kidding me of course i'd marry him tonight alyssa looks over my shoulder at her bedroom door she passes her lips together and tries to hide her smile he's standing in the doorway isn't he she nods he had me say that didn't he she nods again i roll onto my back and look at ryle propped up against the door frame with his arms folded over his chest i can't tell what his thinking after hearing that his expression is tight his jaw is tight his eyes are narrowed in my direction lily he says with stoic composure i would marry the hell out of you his words make me smile the most embarrassing widest smile so i pull a pillow over my face why thank you while i say my words muffled by the pillow that's really sweet i hear alyssa say my brother is actually sweet the pillow is pulled away from me and ryle is standing over me holding it at his side let's go my heart begins to beat faster right now he nods i take the weekend off because my parents are in town you have people who can run your store for you let's go to vegas and get married alyssa sits up on the bed you can't do that she says lily's a girl she wants a real wedding with flowers and bridesmaids and well looks back at me do you want a real wedding with flowers and bridesmaids and i think about it for a second no the three of us are quiet for a moment and then alyssa starts kicking her legs up and down on the bed giddy with excitement they're getting married she yells she rolls off the bed and rushes toward the living room marshall pack our backs we're going to vegas wild reaches down and grabs my hand pulling me to a stand he's smiling but there's no way i'm doing this unless i know for sure he wants it are you sure about this well he runs his hands through my hair and pulls my face to his brushing his lips against mine naked truth he whispers i'm so excited to be your husband i could piss my damn pants chapter 19. it's been six weeks mom you gotta get over it my mother sighs into the phone you're my only daughter i can't help it if i've been dreaming about your wedding your whole life she still hasn't forgiven me even though she was there we called her right before elissa booked our flights we forced her out of bed we forced rile's parents out of bed and then we forced them all on a midnight flight to vegas she didn't try to talk me out of it because i'm sure she could tell that ryle and i had made up our minds by the time she made it to the airport but she hasn't let me forget it she's been dreaming of a huge wedding and dress shopping and cake tasting since the day i was born i kick my feet up on the couch how about i make it up to you i say to her what if whenever we decide to have a baby i promise to do it the natural way and not by one in vegas my mom laughs then she sighs as long as you give me grandchildren someday i guess i can get over it while and i talked about kids on the flight to vegas i wanted to make sure that possibility was open for discussion in our future before i made a commitment to spend the rest of my life with him he said it was definitely open for discussion then we cleared the air about a lot of other things that might cause problems down the road i told him i wanted separate checking accounts but since he makes more money than me he has to buy me lots of presents all the time to keep me happy he agreed he made me promise him i'd never become vegan that was a simple promise i love cheese too much i told him we had to start some kind of charity or at least donate to the ones marshall and alyssa like he said he already does and that made me want to marry him even sooner he made me promise to vote he said i was allowed to vote democratic republican or independent as long as i made sure to vote we shook on it by the time we landed in vegas we were completely on the same page i hear the front door unlocking so i flip onto my back got to go i say to my mother wild just got home he closes the door behind him and then i grin and say wait let me rephrase that mom my husband just got home my mother laughs and tells me goodbye i hang up with her and toss my phone aside i bring my arm up above my head and rest it lazily against the arm of the couch then i prop my leg over the back of it letting my skirt slide down my thighs and pull at my waist while drags his eyes up my body grilling as he makes his way over to me he drops to his knees on the couch and slowly cools up my body how's my wife he whispers planting kisses all around my mouth he presses himself between my legs and i let my head fall back as he kisses down my neck this is the life we both work almost every day he works twice as many hours as i do and he only gets home before i'm in bed two or three nights a week but the nights we actually do get to spend together i tend to want him to spend those nights buried deep inside me he doesn't complain he finds a spot on my neck and he claims it kissing it so hard it hurts ouch he lowers himself on top of me and mutters into my neck i'm giving you a hickey don't move i laugh but i let him my hair is long enough that i can cover it and i've never had a hickey before his lips remain in the same spot sucking and kissing until i can no longer feel the sting he's pressed against me bulging against his scrubs i move my hands and shove his scrubs down far enough so that he can slide inside of me he continues kissing my neck as he takes me right there on the couch he took a shower first and as soon as he got out i jumped in i told him we needed to wash the smell of sex off of us before we had dinner with alyssa and marshall alyssa is due in a few weeks so she's forcing as much couple time on us as she can she's worried we'll stop coming to visit after the baby is born which i know is ridiculous the visits will just grow more frequent i already love my niece more than any of them anyway okay maybe not but it's close i try to avoid getting my hair wet as i rinse off because we're already running late i grab my razor and press it under my arm when i hear a crash i pause well nothing i finished shaving and then wash the soap off another crash what in the world is he doing i turn off the water and grab a towel running it over myself ryle he still doesn't respond i pull my jeans on in a hurry and open the door as i'm pulling my shirt over my head well the nightstand by our bed is tipped over i move to the living room and see him sitting on the edge of the couch his head in one of his hands he's looking down at something in his other hand what are you doing he looks up at me and i don't recognize his expression i'm confused by what's happening i don't know if he just got bad news or oh god alyssa well you're scaring me what's wrong he holds up my phone and just looks at me like i should know what's happening when i shake my head in confusion he holds up a piece of paper funny thing he says setting my phone on the coffee table in front of him i dropped your phone by accident cover pops off i find this number hidden in the back of it oh god no no no he crumbles the number in his fist i thought ha that's weird lily doesn't hide things from me he stands up and picks up my phone so i called it he tightens his fist around the phone he's lucky i got his voicemail he chunks my phone clear across the room and it crashes against the wall shattering to the floor there's a three second pause where i think this could go one of two ways he's going to leave me or he's going to hurt me he runs a hand through his hair and walks straight for the door he leaves ryle i yell why did i never throw that number away i open the door and run after him he's taking the stairs two at a time and i finally reach him when he's at the landing of the second floor i shove myself in front of him and grab his shirt in my fists well please let me explain he grabs my wrists and pushes me away from him be still i feel his hands on me gentle steady tears are flowing and for some reason they sting lily be still please his voice is soothing my head hurts well i try to open my eyes but the light is too bright i can feel a sting at the corner of my eye and i wince i try to sit up but i feel his hand pressed down on my shoulder you have to be still until i'm finished lily i open my eyes again and look up at the ceiling it's our bedroom ceiling finished with what my mouth hurts when i speak so i bring my hand up and cover it you fell down the stairs he says you're hurt my eyes meet his there's concern in them but also hurt anger he's feeling everything right now and the only thing i feel is confused i close my eyes again and try to remember why he's angry why his hurt my phone atlas's number the stairwell i grabbed his shirt he pushed me away you fell down the stairs but i didn't fall he pushed me again that's twice you pushed me while i can feel my whole body start to shake with the sobs i have no idea how bad i'm hurt but i don't even care no physical pain could even compare to what my heart is feeling in this moment i start to slap at his hands wanting him away from me i feel him lift off the bed as i curl up into a ball i wait for him to try and seal it out like he did the last time he hurt me but it never comes i hear him walking around our bedroom i don't know what he's doing i'm still crying when he kneels down in front of me you might have a concussion he says matter of fact you have a small cut on your lip i just bandaged up the cut on your eye you don't need stitches his voice is cold does it hurt anywhere else your arms legs he sounds just like a doctor and nothing like a husband you pushed me i say through tears it's all i can think or say or see you fell he says calmly about five minutes ago right after i found out what a liar i married he places something on my pillow next to me if you need anything i'm sure you can call this number i look at the crumpled up piece of paper by my head that holds atlas's phone number ryle i sob what is happening i hear the front door slam my whole world comes crashing down around me while i whisper to no one i cover my face with my hands and i cry harder than i've ever cried i am destroyed five minutes that's all it takes to completely destroy a person a few minutes pass 10 maybe i can't stop crying i still haven't moved from the bed i'm scared to look in the mirror i'm just scared i hear the front door open and slam shut again while appears in the doorway and i have no idea if i'm supposed to hate him or be terrified of him or feel bad for him how can i be feeling all three he presses his forehead to our bedroom door and i watch as he hits his head against it once twice three times he turns and rushes at me falling to his knees at the side of the bed he grabs both of my hands and he squeezes them lily he says his whole face twisting in pain please tell me it's nothing he brings his hand to the side of my head and i can feel his hands shaking i can't take this i can't he leans forward and presses his lips hard against my forehead then rests his forehead against mine please tell me you aren't seeing him please i'm not even sure i can tell him that because i don't even want to speak he stays pressed against me his hand wrapped tightly in my hair it hurts so much lily i love you so much i shake my head wanting the truth out of me so he'll see what a huge mistake he just made i forgot his number was even there i say quietly the day after the fight in the restaurant he came to the store you can ask alyssa he was only there for five minutes he took my phone from me and he put his number inside of it because he didn't believe i was safe with you i forgot it was there while i've never even looked at it he breathes out a shaky breath and begins nodding with relief you swear lily you swear on our marriage in our lives and on everything that you are that you haven't spoken to him since that day he pulls back so he can look me in the eyes i swear while you overreacted before giving me the chance to explain i say to him now get the out of my apartment my words knock the breath from him i see it happen his back meets the wall behind him and he stares at me silently in shock lily he whispers you fell down the stairs i can't tell if he's trying to convince me or himself i calmly repeat myself get out of my apartment remains frozen in place i sit up on the bed my hand immediately goes to the throbbing in my eye he pushes himself up off the floor when he takes a step forward i scoot back on the bed you're hurt lily i'm not leaving you alone i grab one of my pillows and throw it at him like it could actually do damage get out i yell he catches the pillow i grab the other one and stand up on the bed and start swinging it at him as i scream get out get out get out i toss the pillow on the floor after the front door slams shut i run to the living room and deadbolt the door i run back to my bedroom and fall onto my bed the same bed i share with my husband the same bed he makes love to me on the same bed he lays me on when it's time for him to clean up his messes chapter 20. i tried salvaging my phone before i fell asleep last night but it was no use it was in two completely separate pieces i set my alarm so i could get up early and stop and get a new one on my way into work today my face doesn't look as bad as i feared it would of course it's not something i could hide from melissa but i'm not even going to try and do that i part my hair to the side to cover up most of the bandage while i had placed over my eye the only thing visible from last night is the cut on my lip and the hickey he gave me on my neck irony at its best i grab my purse and open the front door i stop short when i see the lump at my feet it moves it's several seconds before i realize that lump is actually while he slept out here he pulls himself to his feet as soon as he realizes i've opened the door he's in front of me pleading eyes gentle hands on my cheeks lips on my mouth i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i pulled back and scroll my eyes over him he slept out here i step out of my apartment and pull my door shut i calmly walk past him and down the stairs he follows me the entire way to my car begging me to talk to him i don't i leave it's an hour later when i have a new phone in my hands i'm sitting in my car at the cell phone store when i turn it on i watch the screen as 17 messages appear all from melissa i guess it would make sense that while didn't call me all night since he knew what kind of shape my phone was in i start to open a text message when my phone begins ringing it's alyssa hello she sighs heavily and then lily what in the hell is going on oh my god you can't do this to me i'm pregnant i start my car and set the phone to bluetooth while i drive toward the store alyssa is off today she's only got a few days left before she gets a jump start on her maternity leave i'm okay i tell her ryle is okay we got into a fight i'm sorry i couldn't call you he broke my phone she's quiet for a moment and then he did are you okay where are you i'm fine heading to work now good i'm almost there myself i start to protest but she hangs up before i have the chance by the time i make it to the store she's already there i open the front door ready to field questions and defend my reasons for kicking her brother out of my apartment but i stop short when i see the two of them standing at the counter rile is leaning against it and alyssa has her hands on top of his saying something to him that i can't hear they both turn to face me when they hear the door close behind me while alyssa whispers what did you do to her she walks around the counter and pulls me in for a hug oh lily she says running her hand down my back she pulls back with tears in her eyes and her reaction confuses me she obviously knows ryle is responsible but if that's the case it seems she would be attacking him or at least yelling she turns back to weil in his looking up at me apologetically longingly like he wants to reach out and hug me but he's scared to death to touch me he should be you need to tell her alyssa says to ryle he instantly drops his head in his hands tell her alyssa says her voice angrier now she has the right to know while she's your wife if you don't tell her i will rile's shoulders roll forward and his head is fully pressed against the counter now whatever it is alyssa wants him to tell me has him so organized he can't even look at me i clench my stomach feeling the angst deeper than my soul alyssa spins toward me and puts her hands on my shoulders hear him out she begs i'm not asking you to forgive him because i have no idea what happened last night but just please as my sister-in-law and my best friend give my brother a chance to talk to you alyssa said she'd watch the store for the next hour until another employee comes in for their shift i was still so upset with ryle i didn't want him in the same car with me he said he'd send for an uber and meet me at my apartment my entire drive home i organized over what he could possibly need to tell me that alyssa already knows so many things went through my head is he dying has he been cheating on me did he lose his job she didn't seem to know the details of what happened between us last night so i have no idea how this relates to that while finally walks through my front door 10 minutes after me i'm sitting on the couch nervously picking at my nails i stand up and start to pace as he slowly walks to the chair and takes a seat he leans forward clasping his hands in front of him please sit down lily he says it pleadingly like he can't take seeing me worry i returned to my seat on the couch but i scoot to the arm pull my feet up and bring my hands to my mouth are you dying his eyes stretch wide and he immediately shakes his head no no it's nothing like that then what is it i just want him to spit it out my hands are starting to shake he sees how much he's freaking me out so he leans forward and pulls my hands from my face holding them in his part of me doesn't want him touching me after what he did last night but a piece of me needs the reassurance from him the anticipation of what i'm about to find out is making me nauseous no one is dying i'm not cheating on you what i'm about to tell you isn't going to hurt you okay it's all in the past but alyssa thinks you need to know and so do i i nod and he releases my hands he's the one up and pacing now back and forth behind the coffee table it's as if he's having to work up the courage to find his own words and that's making me even more nervous he sits in the chair again lily do you remember the night we met i not you remember when i walked out onto the roof how angry i was i nod again he was kicking the chair it was before he knew marine grade polymer was virtually indestructible do you remember my naked truth what i told you about that night and what caused me to be so angry i lean my head down and think back to that night and to all the truths he told me he said marriage repulsed him he was only into one night stands he never wanted to have kids he was mad about a patient he'd lost that night i start nodding the little boy i said that's why you were mad because a little boy died in it upset you he blows out a quick breath of relief yes that's why i was mad he stands up again and it's like i see his entire soul crumble he presses his palms against his eyes and fights back tears when i told you about what happened to him do you remember what you said to me i feel like i'm about to cry and i don't even know why yet yes i told you i couldn't imagine what something like that will do to that little boy's brother the one who accidentally shot him my lips start to tremble and that's when he said it'll destroy him for life that's what it'll do oh god where is he going with this while walks over and drops down to his knees in front of me lily he says i knew it would destroy him i knew exactly what that little boy was feeling because that's what happened to me to alyssa's and my older brother i can't hold in the tears i just start crying and he wraps his arms tightly around my waist and lays his head on my lap i shot him lily my best friend my big brother i was only six years old i didn't even know i was holding a real gun his whole body begins to shake and he grips me even tighter i press a kiss into his hair because it feels like he's on the verge of a breakdown just like that night on the roof and while i'm still so angry at him i also still love him and it absolutely kills me to find this out about him about alyssa we sit quietly for a long time his head on my lap his arms around my waist my lips in his hair she was only five when it happened emerson was seven we were in the garage so no one heard our screams for a long time and i just sat there and he pulls away from my lap and stands up facing the other direction after a long stretch of silence he sits down on the couch and leans forward i was trying to rile's face contorts in pain and he lowers his head covering it with his hands shaking it back and forth i was trying to put everything back inside his head i thought i could fix him lily my hand flies up to my mouth i gasp so loudly there's no way to hide it i have to stand up so i can catch a breath it doesn't help i still can't breathe while walks over to me taking my hands and pulling me to him we hug each other for a solid minute when he says i would never tell you this because i want it to excuse my behavior he pulls back and looks me firmly in the eyes you have to believe that alyssa wanted me to tell you all of this because since that happened there are things i can't control i get angry i black out i've been in therapy since i was six years old but it is not my excuse it is my reality he wipes away my tears cradling my head against his shoulder when you run after me last night i swear i had no intention of hurting you i was upset and angry and sometimes when i feel that much emotion something inside of me just snaps i don't remember the moment i pushed you but i know i did i did all i was thinking when you were running after me was how i needed to get away from you i wanted you out of my way i didn't process that there were stairs around us i didn't process my strength compared to yours i up lily i up he lowers his mouth to my ear his voice cracks when he says you are my wife i'm supposed to be the one who protects you from the monsters i'm not supposed to be one he holds me with so much desperation he begins to shake i have never in all my life felt so much pain radiating from one human it breaks me it rips me apart from the inside out all my heart wants to do is wrap tightly around his but even with everything he just told me i'm still fighting my own forgiveness i swore i wouldn't let it happen again i swore to him and to myself that if he ever hurt me again i would leave i pull away from him unable to look him in the eye i walk toward my bedroom to try and take a moment to just catch my breath i close my bathroom door behind me and grip the sink but i can't even stand up i end up sliding to the floor in a heap of tears this isn't how this was supposed to be my whole life i knew exactly what i do if a man ever treated me the way my father treated my mother it was simple i would leave and it would never happen again but i didn't leave and now here i am with bruises and cuts on my body at the hands of the man who is supposed to love me at the hands of my own husband and still i'm trying to justify what happened it was an accident he thought i was cheating on him he was hurt and angry and i got in his way i bring my hands to my face and i stop because i feel more pain for that man out there knowing what he went through as a child than i feel for myself and that doesn't make me feel selfless or strong it makes me feel pathetic and weak i'm supposed to hate him i'm supposed to be the woman my mother was never strong enough to be but if i'm emulating my mother's behavior then that would mean ryle is emulating my father's behavior but he isn't i have to stop comparing us to them we're our own individuals in an entirely different situation my father never had an excuse for his anger nor was he immediately apologetic the way he treated my mother was much worse than what's happened between ryle and me while just opened up to me in a way that is probably never opened up to anyone he's struggling to be a better person for me yes he screwed up last night but he's here and he's trying to make me understand his past and why he reacted the way he did humans aren't perfect and i can't let the only example i've ever witnessed of marriage way in on my own marriage i wipe my eyes and pull myself up when i look in the mirror i don't see my mother i just see me i see a girl who loves her husband and wants more than anything to be able to help him i know while and i are strong enough to move past this our love is strong enough to get us through this i walk out of the bathroom and back into the living room while stands up and faces me his face full of fear he's scared i'm not going to forgive him and i'm not sure that i do forgive him but an act doesn't have to be forgiven in order to learn from it i walk over to him and i grab both of his hands in mine i speak to him with nothing but naked truth remember what you said to me on the roof that night he said there is no such thing as bad people we're all just people who sometimes do bad things he nods and squeezes my hands you aren't a bad person well i know that you can still protect me when you're upset just walk away and i'll walk away we'll leave the situation until you're calm enough to talk about it okay you are not a monster while you're only human and as humans we can't expect to shoulder all of our pain sometimes we have to share it with the people who love us so we don't come crashing down from the weight of it all but i can't help you unless i know you need it ask me for help we'll get through this i know we can he excels what feels like every breath he's been holding in since last night he wraps his arms tightly around me and buries his face in my hair help me lily he whispers i need you to help me he holds me against him and i know deep in my heart that i'm doing the right thing there is so much more good in him than bad and i'll do whatever i can to convince him of that until he can see it too chapter 21 i'm heading out you need me to do anything else i look up from the paperwork and shake my head thank you serena see you tomorrow she nods and walks away leaving the door to my office open alyssa's last day was two weeks ago she's due any day now i have two other full-time employees serena and lucy yes that lucy she's been married for a couple of months now and came in looking for a job two weeks ago it's actually worked out pretty well she keeps herself busy and if i'm here when she is i just keep my office door shut so i don't have to listen to her sing it's been almost a month since the incident on the stairs even with everything ralph told me about his childhood the forgiveness was still hard to come by i know ralph has a temper i saw it the first night we met before we ever even spoke a word to each other i saw it that awful night in my kitchen i saw it when he found the phone number in my phone case but i also see the difference between ryle and my father ryle is compassionate he does things my father never would have done he donates to charity he cares about other people he puts me before everything while would never in a million years make me park in the driveway while he took the garage i have to remind myself of those things sometimes the girl inside of me the daughter of my father is really opinionated she tells me i shouldn't have forgiven him she tells me i should have left the first time and sometimes i believe that voice but then the side of me that knows while understands that marriages aren't perfect sometimes there are moments that both parties regret and i wonder how i'd feel about myself had i just left him after that first incident he never should have pushed me but i also did things i wasn't proud of and if i'd have just left would that not be going against our marriage vows for better or for worse i refuse to give up on my marriage that easily i am a strong woman i've been around abusive situations my whole life i will never become my mother i believe that a hundred percent and while will never become my father i think we needed what happened on the stairwell to happen so that i would know his past and we'd be able to work on it together last week we got into another fight i was scared the other two fights we'd gotten into did not end well and i knew this would be a testament to whether or not our agreement for me to help him through his anger would work we were discussing his career he's finished with his residency now and there's a three-month specialized course in cambridge england he applied for he'll find out soon if he was approved but that's not why i was upset it's a great opportunity and i'd never ask him not to go three months is nothing with how busy we are so that wasn't even what got me so upset i became upset when he discussed what he wanted to do after the cambridge trip was over he was offered a job in minnesota at the mayo clinic and he wants us to move there he said mass general is rated the second best neurological hospital in the world mayor clinic is number one he said he never intended to stay in boston forever i told him that would have been a good subject to bring up when we discussed our futures on the flight to get married in vegas i can't leave boston my mother lives here alyssa lives here he told me it was only a five-hour flight and that we could visit as often as we wanted i told him it was pretty hard to run a floral business when you live several states away the fight continued to escalate and both of us were getting angrier by the second at one point he knocked a vas full of flowers off the table and onto the floor we both just stared at them for a moment i was scared wondering if i had made the right decision to stay to trust that we could work on his anger issues together he took a deep breath and he said i'm going to leave for an hour or two i think i need to walk away when i get back we'll continue this discussion he walked out the door and true to his word he came back an hour later when he was much calmer he dropped his keys on the table and then walked straight to where i was standing he took my face in his hands and he said i told you i wanted to be the best in my field lily i told you this the first night we ever met it was one of my naked truths but if i have to choose between working at the best hospital in the world and making my wife happy i choose you you are my success as long as you're happy i don't care where i work we'll stay in boston that's when i knew that i had made the right choice everyone deserves another chance especially the people who mean the most to you it's been a week since that fight and he hasn't mentioned moving again i feel bad like i thwarted his plans in some way but marriage is about compromise it's about doing what's best for the couple as a whole not individually and staying in boston is better for everyone in both of our families speaking of families i look over at my phone right as a text from melissa comes through alyssa are you finished up at work yet i need your opinion on furniture me be there in 15 minutes i don't know if it's the impending delivery or the fact that she's not currently working but i'm pretty sure i've spent more time at her house this week than i have at my own i close up the shop and head toward her apartment when i step off the elevator there's a note taped to her apartment door i see my name written across it so i pull it off the door lily on the seventh floor apartment 749 a she has an apartment here just for extra furniture i know they're rich but even that seems a little excessive for them i get on the elevator and press the button for the seventh floor when the doors open i head down the hall to war department 749 when i reach it i have no idea if i should knock or just go inside for all i know someone could live here probably one of her people i knock on the door and hear footsteps from the other side i'm shocked when the door swings open and ryle is standing in front of me hey i say confused what are you doing here he grins and leans against the door frame i live here what are you doing here i glance at the pewter number plate next to the door and then back at him what do you mean you live here i thought you lived with me you've had your own apartment this whole time i would think an entire apartment would be something a husband would bring up to his wife at some point it's a little unnerving actually it's ludicrous and deceptive i think i might be really angry at him right now while laughs and pushes off the door frame now he's filling up the entire doorway as he lifts his hands to the frame over his head and grips it i haven't really had a chance to tell you about this apartment considering i just signed the paperwork on it this morning i take a step back wait what he reaches for my hand and pulls me inside the apartment welcome home lily i pause in the foyer yes i said foyer there is a foyer you bought an apartment he nods slowly gauging my reaction you bought an apartment i repeat he's still nodding i did is that okay i figured since we live together now we could use the extra room i spin in a slow circle when my eyes land on the kitchen i pause it's not as big as alyssa's kitchen but it's just as white and almost as beautiful there's a wine cooler and a dishwasher two things my own apartment doesn't have i walk into the kitchen and look around scared to touch anything is this really my kitchen this can't be my kitchen i look in the living room at the cathedral ceilings and the huge windows overlooking boston harbour lily he says from behind me you aren't mad are you i spin and face him realizing that he's been waiting on me to react for the past several minutes but i'm completely speechless i shake my head and bring my hand up to cover my mouth i don't think so i whisper he walks up to me and takes my hands in his pulling them up between us you don't think so he looks worried and confused please give me a naked truth because i'm starting to think maybe i shouldn't have done this as a surprise i look down at the hardwood floor it's real hardwood it's not laminate okay i say looking back up at him i think it's crazy that you just went and bought an apartment without me i feel like that's something we should have done together he's nodding and it looks like he's about to spit out an apology but i'm not finished but my naked truth is that it's perfect i don't even know what to say well everything is so clean i'm scared to move i might get something dirty he blows out a rush of air and pulls me to him you can get it dirty babe it's yours you can get it as dirty as you want he kisses the side of my head and i don't even say thank you yet it seems like such a small response to such a huge gesture when do we move in he shrugs tomorrow i have the day off it's not like we have a whole lot of stuff we can spend the next few weeks buying new furniture i nod trying to run through tomorrow's schedule in my head i already knew rahul was off tomorrow so i didn't have anything planned i suddenly feel the need to sit down there aren't any chairs but luckily the floor is clean i need to sit down while helps me to the floor and then he lowers himself in front of me still holding my hands does alyssa know i ask him he smiles and nods his head she's so excited lily i've been thinking about getting an apartment here for a while now after we decided to stay in boston for good i just went ahead with it to surprise you she helped but i was starting to worry she'd tell you before i had the chance i just can't wrap my head around this i live here me and alyssa get to be neighbors now i don't know why i feel like this should bother me because i really am excited about it he smiles and then says i know you need a minute to process everything but you haven't seen the best part and it's killing me show me he grins and pulls me to my feet we make our way through the living room and down a hallway he opens each door and tells me what the rooms are but doesn't even give me time to go in any of them by the time we make it to the master bedroom i've concluded that we live in a three bedroom two bath apartment with an office i don't even have time to process the beauty of the bedroom as he pulls me across the room he reaches a wall covered by a curtain and he turns and faces me it's not a ground that you can plant a garden in but with a few pots it can come close he pulls the curtain aside and opens a door revealing a huge balcony i follow him outside already daydreaming about all the potted plants i could fit up here it overlooks the same view as the rooftop deck he says we'll always have the same view we had from the night we met it took a while to sink in but it all hits me in this moment and i just start crying while pulls me to his chest and wraps his arms tightly around me lily he whispers running his hand over my hair i didn't mean to make you cry i laugh between my tears i just can't believe i live here i pull away from his chest and look up at him are we rich how can you afford this he laughs you married a neurosurgeon lily you aren't necessarily strapped for cash his comment makes me laugh and then i cry some more and then we have our very first visitor because someone begins pounding on the door alyssa he says she's been waiting down the hall i run to the front door and swing it open and we both hug and squeal and i might even cry a little more we spend the rest of the evening at our new apartment while orders chinese takeout and marshall comes down to eat with us we have no tables or chairs yet so the four of us sit in the middle of the living room floor and eat straight out of the containers we talk about how we'll decorate we talk about all the neighborly things we'll do together we talk about alyssa's impending delivery it's everything and more i can't wait to tell my mother chapter 22 alyssa is three days overdue we've lived in our new apartment for a week now we successfully got all of our stuff moved the day roll was off and alyssa and i went furniture shopping the second day we moved in we were practically settled by the third day we got our first piece of mail yesterday it was a utility bill for establishing service so it finally feels official now i'm married i have a great husband an awesome house my best friend just happens to be my sister-in-law and i'm about to be an aunt dare i say it but can my life get any better i close my laptop and get ready to leave for the evening i've been leaving earlier now than i usually do because i'm so excited to get home to my new apartment just as i begin to close my office door while uses his key to open the front door to the store he lets the door fall shut behind him as he walks in with his hands full there's a newspaper tapped under his arm and two coffees in his hands despite the frenzied look about him and the urgency in his step his smiling lily he says walking toward me he shoves one of the coffees in my hand and then pulls the newspaper out from under his arm three things one did you see the paper he hands it to me the paper is folded inside out he points at the article you got it lily you got it i try not to get my hopes up as i look down at the article he could be talking about something totally different from what i'm thinking once i read the headline i realize he's talking about exactly what i was thinking i got it i've been notified that my business was nominated for an award for best of boston it's a people's choice awards the newspaper holds annually and lily blooms was nominated under the best new businesses in boston category the criteria are for businesses that have been open less than two years i had a suspicion i might have been chosen when a reporter for the paper called me last week and asked me a series of questions the title reads best new businesses in boston rights iron for your top ten i smile and almost spill my coffee when ralph pulls me in picks me up and spins me around he said he had three pieces of muse and if he started with that one i have no idea what the other two could be what's the second thing he sets me back down on my feet and says i started with the best one i was too excited he takes a sip of his coffee and then says i got selected for the training at cambridge my face is taken over by a huge smile you did he nods and then he hugs me and spins me around again i'm so proud of you i say kissing him we're both so successful it's sickening he laughs number three i ask him he pulls back oh yeah number three he casually leans against the counter and takes a slow sip of his coffee he gently places his coffee back on the counter alyssa is in labor what i yell yeah he nods toward our coffees that's why i brought you caffeine we aren't getting any sleep tonight i start clapping jumping up and down and then panicking as i try to find my purse my jacket my keys my phone the light switch right before we make it to the door while rushes back to the counter and grabs the newspaper and tucks it under his arm my hands are shaking with excitement as i lock the door we're gonna be aunts i say as i run to my car while laughs at my joke and says uncles lily we're gonna be uncles marshall calmly steps out into the hallway while and i both perk up and wait for the news it's been quiet in there for the past half an hour we've been waiting to hear alyssa scream in agony a sign she delivered but there were no sounds at all not even the cries of a newborn my hands go up to my mouth and seeing the look on marshall's face as me fearing the worst his shoulders just start shaking and tears pour out of his eyes i'm a dad and then he punches the air i'm a dad he hugs ryle and then me and says give us 15 minutes and you can come inside to meet her when he closes the door while and i both release huge size of relief we look at each other and smile you are thinking the worst two he asks i nod and then hug him you're an uncle i say smiling he kisses my head and says you too half an hour later while and i are both standing next to the bed watching alyssa hold her new baby she's absolutely perfect a little too new to tell who she looks like yet but she's beautiful regardless you want to hold your niece alyssa says to ryle he kind of stiffens up like he's nervous but then he nods she leans over and puts the baby in rile's arms showing him how to hold her he stares down at her nervously and then walks over to the couch and takes a seat have you guys decided on a name yet he asks yes alyssa says while and i both look at alyssa and she smiles teary eyed we want to name her after someone marshall and i both think the world of so we added an e to your name we're calling her riley i instantly look back over at while and he blows out a quick breath like he's a little in shock he looks back down at riley and just starts smiling wow he whispers i don't know what to say i squeeze alyssa's hand and then walk over and take a seat next to ryle i've had a lot of moments when i thought i couldn't love him more than i already do but once again i'm proven wrong seeing the way he looks at his new baby niece makes my heart expand marshall sits down on the bed next to alyssa did you guys hear how quiet issa was through the whole thing not a single peep she didn't even take drugs he puts his arm around her and lies down next to her on the bed i feel like i'm in that movie hancock with will smith and i'm about to find out i'm married to a superhero rile laughs she's kicked my ass a time or two growing up i wouldn't be surprised no cussing around riley marshall says ass while whispers to her we both laugh and then he asks me if i want to hold her i make like i have grubby hands because waiting for my turn has been killing me i pull her into my arms and i'm shocked by how much love i have for her already when are mom and dad coming in ryle asks alyssa they'll be here by lunch tomorrow i should probably get some sleep then just got off a long shift he looks back at me you coming with i shake my head i want to hang out for a little while longer just take my car and i'll catch a cap home he kisses me on the side of my head and then rests his head against mine as we both look down at riley i think we should make one of these he says i glance up at him not sure if i heard him correctly he winks if i'm asleep when you get home later wake me up we'll start on it tonight he tells marshall and alyssa goodbye and marshall walks him out glance over at alyssa and she's smiling i told you he'd want babies with you i grin and walk back over to her bed she scoots over and makes room for me i hand riley back to her and we snuggle together on her bed and watch riley sleep like it's the most magnificent thing we've ever seen chapter 23 it's three hours later and after ten o'clock when i make it back home i stayed with alyssa for another after while left and then went back to my office to finish up a few things so that i don't have to go in for the next two days whenever while has a day off i try to coincide my own days off with his the lights are off when i walk through the front door so that means ryle is already in bed the entire drive home i thought about what he'd said i wasn't expecting this conversation to come up so soon i'm almost 25 but i had it in my head it would be at least a couple of years before we started trying for a family i'm still not certain i'm ready for it yet but knowing it's now something he wants someday has put me in an incredibly happy mood i decide to make myself a quick bite to eat before waking him up i haven't had dinner yet and i'm starving when i flip on the kitchen light i scream my hand goes to my chest and i fall against the counter jesus christ ryle what are you doing he's leaning with his back against the wall next to the refrigerator his feet are crossed at the ankles and his eyes are narrowed in my direction he's flipping something over in his fingers staring at me my eyes fall to the counter to his left and i see an empty glass that probably recently held scotch he drinks it on occasion to help him fall asleep i look back at him and there's a smack on his face my body instantly grows warm at that smile because i know what comes next this apartment is about to become a frenzy of clothes and kisses we've christened nearly every room since we moved in here but the kitchen is one we haven't tackled yet i smile back at him my heart still beating erratically from the shock of finding him here in the dark his eyes fall to his hand and i notice he's holding the boston magnet i brought it from the old apartment and stuck it on this fridge when we moved in he places it back on the fridge and taps it where do you get this i look at the magnet and then back at him the last thing i want to do is tell him that magnet came from atlas on my 16th birthday it would only bring up an already sore subject and i'm too excited for what's about to come next between us to give him the naked truth right now i shrug i can't remember i've had it forever he stares at me silently and then straightens up taking two steps toward me i back myself against the counter and my breath catches his hands meet my waist and he slides them between my ass and my jeans and pulls me against him his mouth claims mine and he kisses me while he begins to lower my jeans okay so we're doing this right now his lips dragged down my neck as i kick off my shoes and then he pulls my jeans off the rest of the way i guess i can eat later christening the kitchen just became my priority when his mouth is back on mine he lifts me and sets me down on the countertop standing between my knees i can smell the scotch on his breath and i kind of like it i'm already breathing heavily as his warm lips slide across mine he takes a fistful of my hair and he tugs gently so that i'm looking up at him naked truth he whispers looking at my mouth like he's about to devour me i not his other hand begins to slide slowly up my thigh until there's nowhere left for his hand to go he slips two warm fingers inside of me keeping my gaze locked with his i suck in a rush of air as my legs tighten around his waist i begin to slowly move against his hand moaning softly as he stares heatedly at me where did you get that magnet lily what my heart feels like it begins beating in reverse why does he keep asking me this his fingers are still moving inside of me his eyes still look like they want me but his hand the hand that's wrapped in my hair begins to tuck harder and i wince while i whisper keeping my voice calm even though i'm beginning to shake that hurts his fingers stop moving but his gaze never leaves mine he slowly pulls his fingers out of me and then brings his hand up around my throat squeezing gently his lips meet mine and his tongue dives inside my mouth i take it because i have no idea what's going through his head right now and i pray i'm overreacting i can feel him hard against his jeans as he presses into me but then he pulls back his hands leave me entirely as he flattens his back against the refrigerator scraping his eyes over my body like he wants to take me right here in the kitchen my heart begins to calm down i'm overreacting he reaches beside him next to the stove and he picks up a newspaper it's the same newspaper he showed me earlier with the awards article printed in it he holds it up then tosses it toward me did you get a chance to read that yet i blow out a breath of relief not yet i say my eyes falling to the article read it out loud i glance up at him i smile but my stomach is anxious there's something about him right now the way he's acting i can't put my finger on it you want me to read the article i ask right now i feel odd sitting on my kitchen counter half naked holding a newspaper he nods i'd like you to take off your shirt first then read it out loud i stare at him trying to gauge his behavior maybe the scotch has made him extra frisky a lot of times when we make love it's as simple as making love but occasionally our sex is wild a little dangerous like the look in his eyes right now i set the paper down pull off my shirt and then pick the paper back up i start reading the article out loud but he takes a step forward and says not the whole thing he flips the paper over where it starts in the middle of the article and he points to a sentence read the last few paragraphs i look down even more confused this time but whatever will get us past this and into the bed the business with the highest number of votes should come as no surprise the iconic bibs on market sun opened in april of last year quickly becoming one of the highest rated restaurants in the city according to trip advisor i stop reading and look up at ryle he has poured himself more scotch and his swallowing a sip of it keep reading he says nudging his head at the paper in my hand i swallow heavily the saliva in my mouth growing thicker by the second i try to control the trembling of my hands as i continue reading the owner atlas corrigan is a two-time award-winning chef and also a united states marine it's no secret what the acronym for his highly successful restaurant bibs stands for better in boston i gasp everything is better in boston i clench my stomach trying to keep my emotions under control as i keep reading but when interviewed regarding his most recent award the chef finally revealed the true history of the meaning behind the name it's a long story chef corrigan stated it was an homage to someone who had a huge impact on my life someone who meant a lot to me she still means a lot to me i put the newspaper on the counter i don't want to read any more my voice cracks on its way up my throat while takes two swift steps forward and grabs the newspaper he picks up where i left off his voice loud and angry now when asked if the girl was aware he named a restaurant after her chef corrigan smiled knowingly and said next question the anger in rile's voice makes me nauseous while stop it i say calmly you've had too much to drink i push past him and walk quickly out of the kitchen toward the hallway that leads to our bedroom there's so much happening right now and i'm not sure i understand any of it the article never stated who atlas was talking about atlas knows it was me and i know it was me but how in the hell would ryle put two and two together and the magnet how would he know that came from atlas just by reading that article he's overreacting i can hear him following me as i walk toward the bedroom i swing open the door and come to a sudden halt the bed is littered with things an empty moving box with the words lily's stuff written on the side of it and then all the contents that were inside that box letters journals empty show boxes i close my eyes and breathe in slowly he read the journal no he read the journal his arm comes around my waist from behind he slides a hand up my stomach and takes a firm hold of one of my breasts his other hand feathers my shoulder as he moves the hair away from my neck i squeeze my eyes shut just as his fingers begin to trace across my skin up to my shoulder he slowly runs his finger over the heart and a shudder runs over my whole body his lips meet my skin right over the tattoo and then he sinks his teeth into me so hard i scream i try to pull away from him but he has such a tight grip on me he doesn't even budge the pain from his teeth piercing my collarbone rips through my shoulder and down my arm i immediately start crying sobbing while let me go i say my voice pleading please walk away his arms are cutting into mine as he holds me tightly from behind he spins me but my eyes are still closed i'm too scared to look at him his hands are digging into my shoulders as he pushes me toward the bed i start trying to fight him off of me but it's useless he's too strong for me he's angry he's hurt and he's not riley my back meets the bed and i frantically scoot back toward the headboard trying to get away from him why is he still here lily his voice isn't as composed as it was in the kitchen he's really angry now he's in everything the magnet on the fridge the journal in the box i found in our closet the tattoo on your body that used to be my favorite goddamn part of you he's on the bed now ryle i beg i can explain tear streak down my temples and into my hair you're angry please don't hurt me please walk away and when you come back i'll explain his hand grips my ankle and he yanks me until i'm beneath him i'm not angry lily he says his voice disturbingly calm now i just think i haven't proved to you how much i love you his body comes down against mine and he takes my wrists with one hand above my head pressing them against the mattress well please i'm sobbing trying to push him off of me with any part of my body get off me please no no no no i love you lily he says his words crashing against my cheek more than he ever did why can't you see that my fear folds in on itself and i become diluted with rage all i can see when i squeeze my eyes shut is my mother crying on our old living room couch my father forcing himself on top of her hatred rips through me and i start screaming while tries to muffle my screams with his mouth i bite down on his tongue his forehead comes crashing down against mine in an instant all the pain fades as a blanket of darkness rolls over my eyes and consumes me i can feel his breath against my ear as he mutters something inaudible my heart is racing my whole body is still shaking my tears are still somehow falling and i'm gasping for her his words are crashing against my ear but the pain is throbbing in my head too hard for me to decipher his words i try to open my eyes but it stings i can feel something trickling into my right eye and i instantly know it's blood my blood his words begin to come into focus sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm his hand is still pressing mine into the mattress and he's still on top of me he's no longer trying to force himself on me lily i love you i'm so sorry his words are full of panic he's kissing me his lips gentle against my cheek and mouth he knows what he's done he's well again and he knows what he's just done to me to us to our future i utilize his panic to my advantage i shake my head and i whisper it's okay well it's okay you are angry it's okay his lips meet mine in a frenzy and the taste of scotch makes me want to puke now his still whispering apologies when the room begins to fade out again my eyes are closed we're still on the bed but he's no longer fully on top of me he's on his side his arm wrapped tightly over my waist his head is pressed against my chest i remain stiff as i assess everything around me he isn't moving but i can feel his breaths heavy with sleep i don't know if he passed out or if he fell asleep the last thing i can remember is his mouth on mine the taste of my own tears i lie still for several more minutes the pain in my head begins to worsen with every minute of consciousness i close my eyes and try to think where's my purse where are my keys where is my phone it takes me a full five minutes to slide out from under him i'm too scared to move too much at once so i do it an inch at a time until i'm able to roll onto the floor when i can no longer feel his hands on me an unexpected sob breaks from my chest i slap my hand over my mouth as i pull myself to my feet and run out of the bedroom i find my purse and my phone but i have no idea where he put my keys i frantically searched the living room and kitchen but i can barely see anything when he headbutted me it must have left a gash on my forehead because there's too much blood in my eyes and everything is blurry i slide to the floor near the door growing dizzy my fingers are shaking so hard it takes three tries to get the password right on my phone when i have the screen up to dial a number i pause my first thought is to call alyssa and marshall but i can't i can't do that to them right now she just gave birth to a baby a matter of hours ago i can't do this to them i could call the police but my mind can't even process what all that entails i don't want to give a statement i don't know that i want to press charges knowing what this could do to his career i don't want to listen mad at me i just don't know i don't completely rule out eventually notifying the police i just don't have the energy to make that decision right now i squeeze the phone and try to think my mother i start to dial her number but when i think of what this would do to her i start to cry again i can't involve her in this mess she's been through too much and raul will try to find me he'll go to her first then alyssa and marshall then to everyone else we know i wipe the tears from my eyes and then begin dialing atlas's number i hate myself more in this moment than i ever have in my entire life i hate myself because the day well found atlas's number in my phone i lied and said i had forgotten it was there i hate myself because the day atlas placed his number there i opened it and looked at it i hate myself because deep down inside i knew there was a chance that i might one day need it so i memorized it hello his voice is cautious inquiring he doesn't recognize this number i immediately start crying when he speaks i cover my mouth and try to quiet myself lily his voice is much louder now lily where are you i hate myself because he knows the tears are mine atlas i whisper i need help where are you he says again i can hear panic in his voice i can hear him walking moving stuff around i hear a door slam on his end of the phone i'll text you i whisper too scared to keep speaking i don't want raul to wake up i hang up the phone and somehow find the strength to steal my hands while i text in my address in the access code for entry then i send a second text that says text me when you get here please don't knock i call to the kitchen and find my pants struggling back into them i find my shirt on the counter when i'm dressed i go to the living room i debate opening the door and meeting atlas downstairs but i'm too scared i won't be able to make it down to the lobby alone my forehead is still bleeding and i feel too weak to even stand up and wake by the door i slide to the floor clenching my phone in my shaky fist and staring at it waiting for his text it's an organizing 24 minutes later when my phone lights up here i scramble to my feet and swing open the door arms wrap around me and my face is pressed against something soft i just start crying and crying and shaking and crying lily he whispers i've never heard my name spoken so sadly he urges me to look up at him his blue eyes scroll over my face and i see it happen i watch the concern vanish as he darts his head up to the apartment door is he still in there rage i can feel the rage come off of him and he starts to step toward the apartment door i grab his jacket in my fists no please atlas i just want to leave i see the pain roll over him as he pauses struggling to decide whether to listen to me or bust through the door he eventually turns away from the door and wraps his arms around me he helps me to the elevator and then through the lobby by some miracle we only run into one person and he's on his phone and facing the other direction by the time we make it to the parking garage i start to feel dizzy again i tell him to slow down and then i feel his unwrap under my knees as he picks me up then we're in the car then the car is moving i know i need stitches i know he's taking me to the hospital but i have no idea why the next words out of my mouth are don't take me to mass general take me somewhere else for whatever reason i don't want to risk the chance of running into any of ryle's colleagues i hate him i hate him in this moment more than i've ever hated my father but concern for his career still somehow breaks through the hatred when i realize this i hate myself just as much as i hate him chapter 24 atlas is standing on the other side of the room he hasn't taken his eyes off me the entire time the nurse has been helping me after taking a blood sample she immediately returned and began to attend to my cut she hasn't asked me very many questions yet but it's obvious my injuries are the result of an attack i can see the pitying look on her face as she cleans up blood from the bite mark left on my shoulder when she's finished she glances back at atlas she steps to the right blocking his view of me as she turns and faces me again i need to ask you some personal questions i'm going to ask him to leave the room okay it's in that moment that i realize she thinks atlas is the one who did these things to me i immediately start to shake my head it wasn't him i tell her please don't make him leave relief washes over her face she nods her head and then pulls up a chair are you hurt anywhere else i shake my head because she can't fix all the parts of me while broke on the inside lily her voice is gentle where you raped tears fill my eyes and i see atlas roll across the wall pressing his forehead against it the nurse waits until i make her contact with her again to continue speaking we have a certain examination for these situations it's called a sane exam it's optional of course but i highly encourage it in your situation i wasn't raped i say he didn't are you sure lilly the nurse asks i not i don't want one atlas faces me again and i can see the pain in his expression as he steps forward lily you need this his eyes are pleading i shake my head again atlas i swear i squeeze my eyes shut and lower my head i'm not covering for him this time i whisper he tried but then he stopped if you choose to press charges you'll need i don't want the exam i say again my voice phone there's a knock on the door and a doctor enters sparing me from more pleading looks from atlas the nurse gives the doctor a brief rundown of my injuries she then steps aside as he examines my head and shoulder he flashes a light into both of my eyes he looks down at the paperwork again and says i'd like to rule out a concussion but given your situation i don't want to administer a ct we'd like to keep you for observation instead why don't you want to administer a ct i ask him the doctor stands up we don't like to perform x-rays on pregnant women unless it's vital we'll monitor you for complications and if there are no further concerns you'll be free to go i don't hear anything beyond that nothing the pressure begins to build in my head my heart my stomach i grip the edges of the exam table i'm sitting on and i stare at the floor until they both leave the room when the door closes behind them i sit suspended in frozen silence i see atlas move closer his feet are almost touching mine his fingers brush lightly over my back did you know i release a quick breath and then drag in more air i start shaking my head and when his arms come down around me i cry harder than i knew my body was even capable of he holds me the entire time i cry he holds me through my hatred i did this to myself i allowed this to happen to me i am my mother i want to leave i whisper atlas pulls back they want to monitor you lily i think you should stay i look up at him and shake my head i need to get out of here please i want to leave he nods and helps me back into my shoes he pulls off his jacket and wraps it around me then we walk out of the hospital without anyone noticing he says nothing to me as we drive i stare out the window too exhausted to cry too in shock to speak i feel submerged just keep swimming atlas doesn't live in an apartment he lives in a house a small suburb outside of boston called wellesley where all the homes are beautiful sprawling manicured and expensive before we pull into his driveway i wonder to myself if he ever married that girl cassie i wonder what she'll think of her husband bringing home a girl he once loved who has just been attacked by her own husband she'll pity me she'll wonder why i never left him she'll wonder how i let myself get to this point she'll wonder all the same things i used to wonder about my own mother when i saw her in my same situation people spend so much time wondering why the women don't leave where are all the people who wonder why the men are even abusive isn't that where the only blame should be placed atlas parks in the garage there's not another vehicle here i don't wait for him to help me out of the car i open the door and get out on my own and then i follow him into his house he punches in a code on an alarm and then flips on a few lights my eyes roam around the kitchen the dining room the living room everything is made of rich woods and stainless steel and his kitchen is painted a calming bluish green the color of the ocean if i wasn't hurting so much i would smile atlas kept swimming and look at him now he swam all the way to the caribbean he moves to his refrigerator and pulls out a bottle of water walking it over to me he takes the lid off and hands it to me i take a drink and watch as he turns the living room right on then the hallway do you live alone i ask he nods as he walks back into the kitchen are you hungry i shake my head even if i was i wouldn't be able to eat i'll show you your room he says there's a shower if you need it i do i want to wash the taste of scotch out of my mouth i want to wash the sterile smell of the hospital off of me i want to wash away the last four hours of my life i follow him down the hallway and to a spare bedroom where he flips on the light there are two boxes on a bear bed and more stacked up against the walls there's an oversized chair against one wall facing the door he moves to the bed and takes off the boxes setting them against the wall with the others i just moved in a few months ago haven't had much time to decorate yet he walks to a dresser and pulls open a drawer i'll make the bed for you he takes out sheets in a pillow case he begins making the bed as i walk inside the bathroom and close the door i remain in the bathroom for 30 minutes some of those minutes are spent staring at my reflection in the mirror some of those minutes are spent in the shower the rest are spent over the toilet as i make myself sick with thoughts of the last several hours i'm wrapped in a towel when i crack the bathroom door atlas is no longer in the bedroom but there are clothes folded on the freshly made bed men's pajama bottoms that are too big for me and a t-shirt that goes past my knees i pull the drawstring tight tie it and then crawl into bed i turn the lamp off and pull the covers up and over me i cry so hard i don't even make a noise chapter 25 i smell toast i stretch out on my bed and smile because while nose toast is my favorite my eyes flick open and the clarity smashes down on me with the force of a head-on collision i squeeze my eyes shut when i realize where i am and why i'm here and that the taste i smell is not at all because my sweet and caring husband is making me breakfast in bed i immediately want to cry again so i force myself off the bed i focus on the hollowness in my stomach as i use the bathroom and tell myself i can cry after i eat something i need to eat before i make myself sick again when i walk out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom i notice the chair has been turned so that it's facing the bed now instead of the door there's a blanket thrown over it haphazardly and it's obvious atlas was in here last night while i slept he was probably worried i had a concussion when i walk into the kitchen atlas is moving back and forth between the fridge the stove the counter for the first time in 12 hours i feel an inkling of something that isn't agony because i remember he's a chef a good one and he's cooking me breakfast he glances up at me as i make my way into the kitchen morning he says careful to say it without too much inflection i hope you're hungry he slides a glass in a container of orange juice across the counter toward me then he turns and faces the stove again i am he glances back over his shoulder and gives me a ghost of a smile i pour myself a glass of orange juice and then walk to the other side of the kitchen where there's a breakfast nook there's a newspaper on the table and i begin to pick it up when i see the article about the best businesses in boston printed across the page my hands immediately begin to shake and i drop the paper back on the table i close my eyes and take a slow sip of the orange juice a few minutes later atlas sets a plate down in front of me then claims the seat across from me at the table he pulls his own plate of food in front of him and cuts into a creep with his fork i look down at my plate three crepes drizzled in syrup and garnished with a dab of whipped cream orange and strawberry slices line the right side of the plate it's almost too pretty to eat but i'm too hungry to care i take a bite and close my eyes trying not to make it obvious that it's the best bite of breakfast i've ever had i finally allow myself to admit that his restaurant deserved that award as much as i tried to talk while and alyssa out of going back it was the best restaurant i'd ever been to where did you learn to cook i asked him he sips from a cup of coffee the marines he says placing the cup back down i trained for a while during my first stint and then when i re-enlisted i came on as a chef he taps his fork against the side of his plate you like it i not it's delicious but you're wrong you knew how to cook before you enlisted he smiles you remember the cookies i nod again best cookies i've ever eaten he leans back in his chair i taught myself the basics my mother worked second shift when i was growing up so if i wanted dinner at night i had to make it it was either that or starve so i bought a cookbook at a yard sale and made every single recipe in it over the course of a year and i was only 13. i smile shocked that i'm even able to the next time someone asks you how you learn to cook you should tell them that story not the other one he shakes his head you're the only person who knows anything about me before the age of nineteen i'd like to keep it that way he begins telling me about working as a chef in the military how he saved up as much money as he could so that when he got out he could open his own restaurant he started with a small cafe that did really well then opened bibs a year and a half ago it does okay he says with modesty i glance around his kitchen and then look back at him looks like it does more than just okay he shrugs and takes another bite of his food i don't talk after that as we finish eating because my mind wanders to his restaurant the name of it what he said in the interview then of course those thoughts lead me back to thoughts of while and the anger in his voice as he yelled the last line of the interview at me i think atlas can see the change in my demeanor but he says nothing as he clears the table when he takes another seat he chooses the chair right next to me this time he places a reassuring hand on top of mine i have to go into work for a few hours he says i don't want you to leave stay here as long as you need lily just please don't go back home today i shake my head when i hear the concern in his words i won't i'll stay here i tell him i promise do you need anything before i go i shake my head i'll be fine he stands up and grabs his jacket i'll make it as quick as i can i'll be back after lunch and i'll bring you something to eat okay i force a smile he opens a drawer and pulls out a pen and paper he writes something on it before he leaves when he's gone i stand up and walk to the counter to read what he wrote he listed instructions for how to set the alarm he wrote his cell phone number even though i have it memoized he also wrote down his work number his home address and his work address at the bottom in small print he wrote just keep swimming lily dear ellen hi it's me lily bloom well technically it's lily kincaid now i know it's been a long time since i've written to you a really long time after everything that happened with atlas i just couldn't bring myself to open up the journals again i couldn't even bring myself to watch your show after school because it hurt to watch it alone in fact all thoughts of you kind of depressed me when i thought of you i thought of atlas and to be honest i didn't want to think of atlas so i had to cut you out of my life too i'm sorry about that i'm sure you didn't miss me like i missed you but sometimes the things that matter to you most are also the things that hurt you the most and in order to get over that hurt you have to sever all the extensions that keep you tethered to that pain you are an extension of my pain so i guess that's what i was doing i was just trying to save myself a little bit of agony i'm sure your show is as great as ever though i hear you still dance at the beginning of some episodes but i've grown to appreciate that i think that's one of the biggest signs a person has matured knowing how to appreciate things that matter to others even if they don't matter very much to you i should probably catch you up on my life my father died i'm 24 now i got a college degree worked in marketing for a while and now i own my own business a floral shop life goals ftw i also have a husband and he isn't atlas and i live in boston i know shocker the last time i wrote to you i was 16. i was in a really bad place and i was so worried about atlas i'm not worried about atlas anymore but i am in a really bad place right now more so than the last time i wrote to you i'm sorry i don't seem to need to write to you when i'm in a good place you tend to only get the end of my life but that's what friends are for right i don't even know where to start i know you don't know anything about my current life or my husband while but there's this thing we do where one of us says naked truth and then we're forced to be brutally honest and say what we're really thinking so naked truth brace yourself i am in love with a man who physically hurts me of all people i have no idea how i let myself get to this point there were many times growing up i wondered what was going through my mother's head in the days after my father had hurt her how she could possibly love a man who had laid his hands on her a man who repeatedly hit her repeatedly promised he would never do it again repeatedly hit her again i hate that i can empathize with her now i've been sitting on atlas's couch for over four hours wrestling with my feelings i can't get a grip on them i can't understand them i don't know how to process them and true to my past i realized that maybe i need to just get them out on paper my apologies to you ellen but get ready for a whole lot of word vomit if i had to compare this feeling to something i would compare it to death not just the death of anyone the death of the one the person who is closer to you than anyone else in the whole world the one who when you simply imagine their death it makes your eyes tear up that's what this feels like it feels like ryle has died it's an astronomical amount of grief an enormous amount of pain it's a sense that i've lost my best friend my lover my husband my lifeline but the difference between this feeling and death is the presence of another emotion that doesn't necessarily follow in the event of an actual death hatred i am so angry at him ellen words can't express the amount of hatred i have for him yet somehow in the midst of all my hatred there are waves of reasoning that flow through me i start to think things like but i shouldn't have had the magnet i should have told him about the tattoo from the beginning i shouldn't have kept the journals the reasoning is the hardest part of this it eats at me little by little wearing down the strength my hatred lends to me the reasoning forces me to imagine our future together and how there are things i could do to prevent that type of anger i'll never betray him again i'll never keep secrets from him again i'll never give him reason to react that way again we'll both just have to work harder from now on for better for worse right i know these are the things that once went through my mother's head but the difference between the two of us is that she had more to worry about she didn't have the financial stability that i have she didn't have the resources to leave and give me what she thought was a decent shelter she didn't want to take me away from my father when i was used to living with both parents i have a feeling reasoning really kicked her as a time or two i can't even begin to process the thought that i'm having a child with this man there is a human being inside of me that we created together and no matter which option i choose whether i choose to stay or choose to leave neither are choices i would wish upon my child to grow up in a broken home or an abusive one i've already failed this baby in life and i've only known about his or her existence for a single day ellen i wish you could write back to me i wish that you could say something funny to me right now because my heart needs it i have never felt this alone this broken this angry this hurt people on the outside of situations like these often wonder why the woman goes back to the abuser i read somewhere once that 85 percent of women return to abusive situations that was before i realized i was in one and when i heard that statistic i thought it was because the women were stupid i thought it was because they were weak i thought these things about my own mother more than once but sometimes the reason women go back is simply because they're in love i love my husband ellen i love so many things about him i wish cutting my feelings off for the person who hurt me was as easy as i used to think it would be preventing your heart from forgiving someone you love is actually a hell of a lot harder than simply forgiving them i'm a statistic now the things i thought about women like me are now what others would think of me if they knew my current situation how could she love him after what he did to her how could she contemplate taking him back it's sad that those are the first thoughts that run through our minds when someone is abused shouldn't there be more distaste in our mouths for the abusers than for those who continue to love the abusers i think of all the people who have been in this situation before me everyone who will be in this situation after me do we all repeat the same words in our heads in the days after experiencing abuse at the hands of those who love us from this day forward for better for worse for richer for poorer in sickness and health until death do us part maybe those vowels weren't meant to be taken as literally as some spouses take them for better for worse that lily chapter 26 i'm lying on atlas's guest bed staring up at the ceiling it's a normal bed really comfortable actually but it feels like i'm on a water bed or maybe a raft adrift at sea and i scale over these huge waves each of them carrying something different some are waves of sadness some are waves of anger some are waves of tears some are waves of sleep occasionally i'll place my hands on my stomach and a tiny wave of love will come i have no idea how i can already love something so much but i do i think about whether or not it'll be a boy or a girl and what i'll name it i wonder if it will look like me or rile and then another wave of anger will come and crash down on that tiny wave of love i feel robbed of the joy a mother should have when she finds out she's pregnant i feel like wild took that from me last night and it's just one more thing i have to hate him for hatred is exhausting i force myself off the bed and into the shower i've been in my room most of the day atlas returned home several hours ago and i heard him open the door at one point to check on me but i pretended to be asleep i feel awkward being here atlas is the very reason rail was angry at me last night yet he's the one i ran to when i needed help being here fills me with guilt maybe even a little bit of shame as though my calling atlas lends credibility to ryle's anger but there's literally nowhere i can go right now i need a couple of days to process things and if i go to a hotel while could track the credit card charge and find me he'd be able to find me at my mother's at alyssa's at leases he's even met devin a couple of times and would more than likely go there too i can't see him tracking down atlas though yet i'm sure if i go a week avoiding his calls and texts he'll look everywhere he can possibly look to find me but for now i don't think he would show up here maybe that's why i'm here i feel safer here than anywhere else i could possibly go an atlas has an alarm system so there's that i glance at the nightstand to look at my phone i skip over all the missed texts from ryle and open the one from melissa alyssa hey aunt lily they're sending us home tonight come see us tomorrow when you get home from work she sent a picture of her and riley and it makes me smile then cry damn these emotions i wait until my eyes are dry again before i walk into the living room atlas is sitting at his kitchen table working on his laptop when he looks up at me he smiles and closes it hey i force a smile and then look in the kitchen do you have anything to eat atlas stands up quickly yeah he says yeah sit down i'll get something ready for you i take a seat on the couch as he works his way around the kitchen the television is on but it's muted i unmute it and click on the dvr he has a few shows recorded but the one that catches my eye is the ellen degeneres show i smile and click on the most recent unwatched episode and hit play atlas brings me a bowl of pasta and a glass of ice water he glances at the tv and then sits down next to me on the couch for the next three hours we watch a four weeks worth of episodes i laugh out loud six times it feels good but when i take a bathroom break and come back to the living room the weight of it all starts to sink in again i sit back down on the couch next to atlas he's leaning back with his feet propped up on the coffee table i naturally lean into him and just like he used to do when we were teenagers he pulls me against his chest and we just sit there in silence his thumb brushes the outside of my shoulder and i know it's his unspoken way of saying he's here for me that he feels bad for me and for the first time since he picked me up last night i feel like talking about it my head is resting against his shoulder and my hands are in my lap i'm fidgeting with the drawstring on the pants that are way too big for me atlas i say my voice barely a whisper i'm sorry i got so angry at you that night at the restaurant you were right deep down i knew you were right but i didn't want to believe it i lift my head and look at him cracking a pitiful smile you can say i told you so now his eyebrows draw together like my words somehow hurt him lily this is not something i wanted to be right about i prayed every day that i was wrong about him i wince i shouldn't have said that to him i know better than to think atlas would ever think something like i told you so he squeezes my shoulder and leans forward kissing the top of my head i close my eyes as i soak up the familiarity of him his smell his touch his comfort i've never understood how someone can be so rock solid yet comforting but that's always how i viewed him like he could withstand anything but somehow still feels the weight that everyone else carries i don't like that i was never fully able to let go of him no matter how hard i tried i think about the fight with ryle over atlas's phone number the fight about the magnet the article the things he read in my journal the tattoo none of that would have happened if i would have just let go of atlas and thrown it all away while wouldn't have had anything to be so upset with me about i pull my hands up to my face after that thought upset that there's a part of me trying to blame ryle's reaction on my lack of closure with atlas there's no excuse none this is just another wave i'm being forced to ride on a wave of complete and utter confusion atlas can feel the change in my composure you okay i'm not i'm not okay because until this moment i had no idea how hurt i still am that he never came back for me if he'd have just come back for me like he promised i would have never even met ryle and i would have never been in this situation yep i'm definitely confused how am i possibly lending blame to atlas for any of this i think i need to call it a night i say quietly pulling away from him i stand up and atlas stands up too i'll be gone most of the day tomorrow he says will you be here when i get home i cringe at his question of course he wants me to get my together and find another place to stay what am i even still doing here no no i can get a hotel it's fine i turn to walk toward the hallway but he puts a hand on my shoulder lily he says turning me around i wasn't asking you to leave i was just making sure you'd still be here i want you to stay as long as you need to his eyes are sincere and if i didn't think it would be a little inappropriate i would throw my arms around him and hug him because i'm not ready to leave yet just a couple more days before i'm forced to figure out what my next step is i nod i need to go into work for a few hours tomorrow i tell him there are some things i need to take care of but if you really don't mind i'd like to stay here for a few more days i don't mind lily i'd prefer it i force a smile and then head to the guest bedroom at least he's giving me a buffer before i'm forced to confront everything as much as his presence in my life confuses me right now i've never been more thankful for him chapter 27 my hand is trembling when i reach for the doorknob i've never once been scared to walk into my own business before but i've also never been this on edge the building is dark when i enter it so i flip on the lights holding my breath i walk slowly to my office pushing the door open with caution he's nowhere yet is everywhere when i take a seat at my desk i turn on my phone for the first time since i went to bed last night i wanted a good night's sleep without having to worry about whether or not rahul was trying to contact me when it powers on i have 29 missed texts from ryle it just so happens to be the same number of doors while knocked on to find my apartment last year i don't know whether to laugh or cry at the irony i spend the rest of the day like this glancing over my shoulder looking up at the door every time it opens i wonder if he's ruined me if the fear of him will ever leave me half a day goes by without a single phone call from him while i catch up on paperwork alyssa calls me after lunch and i can tell by her voice that she has no idea about the fight while than i had i let her talk about the baby for a while before i pretend i have a customer and hang up i plan on leaving when lucy returns from her lunch break she has half an hour left while walks through the front door three minutes later i'm the only one here as soon as i see him i turn stone cold i'm standing behind the counter my hand on the cash register because it's close to the stapler i'm sure a stapler couldn't do much harm against the arms of a neurosurgeon but i'll use what i have he slowly makes his way to the counter it's the first time i've seen him since he was on top of me on our bed the other night my whole body is immediately taken back to that moment and i'm engulfed in the same level of emotions as i was in that moment both fear and anger rush through me when he reaches the counter he lifts his hand and places a set of keys on the counter in front of me my eyes fall to the keys i'm leaving for england tonight he says i'll be gone for three months i paid all the bills so you won't have to worry about it while i'm gone his voice is composed but i can see the veins in his neck as they prove his composure is taking all the effort he is you need time he swallows hard and i want to give that to you he grimaces and pushes the keys to my apartment toward me go back home lily i won't be there i promise he turns and begins walking toward the door it occurs to me that he didn't even try to apologize i'm not angry about it i understand it he knows that an apology will never take back what he did he knows that the best thing for us right now is separation he knows what a huge mistake he made yet i still feel the need to dig that knife in a little well he looks back at me and it's as if he puts a shield up between us he doesn't turn all the way around in his stiff as he waits for whatever i'm about to say he knows my words are going to hurt him you know what the worst part about this whole thing is i ask he doesn't say anything he just stares at me waiting for my answer all you had to do when you found my journal was ask me for a naked truth i would have been honest with you but you didn't you chose to not ask for my help and now will both have to suffer the consequences of your actions for the rest of our lives he grimaces with every word lily he says turning toward me i hold up my hand to stop him from saying anything else don't you can leave now have fun in england i can see the wall waging inside of him he knows he can't get anywhere with me in this moment no matter how hard he wants to beg for my forgiveness he knows the only choice he has is to turn and walk out that door even though it's the last thing he wants to do when he finally forces himself out the door i run and lock it i slide down to the floor and hug my knees burying my face against them i'm shaking so hard i can feel my teeth chatter i can't believe part of that man is growing inside me and i can't believe i'll one day have to admit that to him chapter 28. after wild left me his keys this afternoon i debated going back to our new apartment i even had a cab pull up to the building but i couldn't force myself out of the car i knew if i went back there today i'd probably see alyssa at some point i'm not ready to explain the stitches on my forehead to her i'm not ready to see the kitchen where al's harsh words cut through me i'm not ready to walk into the bedroom where i was completely destroyed so instead of returning to my own home i took the cab back to atlas's house it feels like my only safe zone right now i don't have to confront things when i'm hiding out here atlas has already texted me twice today checking on me so when i get a text a few minutes before seven o'clock in the evening i assume it's from him it's not it's for melissa alyssa you're home from work yet come up and visit us i'm already bored my heart sinks when i read her text she has no idea what happened between me and ryle i wonder if while even told her he left for england today my thumb types and erases and type some more as i try to come up with a good excuse as to why i'm not there me i can't i'm in the emergency room hit my head on that shelf in the storage room at work getting stitches i hate that i lied to her but it'll save me from having to explain the cut and also why i'm not home right now alyssa oh no are you alone marshall can come sit with you since ryle is gone okay so she knows rile left for england that's good and she thinks we're fine this is good that means i have at least three months before i have to tell her the truth look at me sweeping under the rug just like my mother me no i'm fine i'll be finished up by the time marshall could even get here i'll come by tomorrow after work give riley a kiss for me i lock the screen on my phone and set it on my bed it's dark outside now so i immediately see the scroll of the headlights as someone pulls into the driveway i instantly know that it isn't atlas because he uses the driveway to the side of the house and parks in the garage my heart begins to race as fear rushes through me is it rile did he find out where atlas lives moments later there's a loud knock at the front door more like pounding the doorbell also rings i tiptoe to the window and barely move the curtains over far enough to take a look outside i can't see who's at the door but there's a truck in the driveway it doesn't belong to ryle could it be atlas's girlfriend cassie i grab my phone and make my way down the hallway toward the living room the pounding on the door and the chime of the doorbell are still going off simultaneously whoever is at the door is being ridiculously impatient if it is cassie i already find her extremely annoying atlas a guy yells open the damn door another voice also mail yells my balls are freezing up they're raisins man open the door before i open the door and let them know atlas isn't home i text him hoping he's about to pull in the driveway and deal with this himself me where are you there are two men at your front door and i have no idea if i should let them in i wait through more presses of the doorbell and more pounding but atlas doesn't immediately text me back i finally walk to the door and leave the chain bolted but unlock the deadbolt and open the door a few inches one of the guys is tall about six feet or so despite the youthful look to his face his hair is salt and pepper black with a little bit of gray sprinkled in the other one is shorter by a few inches with sandy brown hair and a baby face they both look to be in their late twenties maybe early thirties the tall ones face twists into confusion who are you he asks peeking through the door lily who are you the shorter one pushes in front of the taller one is atlas here i don't want to tell them no because then they'll know i'm here alone i don't necessarily hold much trust in the male population this week the phone in my hand rings and all three of us jump from the unexpectedness of it it's atlas i swipe the answer button and bring it to my ear hello it's fine lily they're just friends of mine i forgot it was friday we always play poker on fridays i'll call them now and tell them to leave i look back at the two of them and they're just standing there watching me i feel bad that atlas feels like he has to cancel his plans just because i'm crashing at his house i shut the door and unlock the deadbolt then open the door again motioning them inside it's fine atlas you don't have to cancel your plans i was about to go to bed anyway no i'm on my way i'll have them leave i still have the phone pressed to my ear when the two men enter the living room see you soon i say to atlas and then end the call the next few seconds are awkward as the guys assess me and i assess them what are your names i'm darren the tall one says brad the shorter one says lily i say to them even though i already told them my name atlas will be here soon i move to close the door and they seem to relax a little darren heads into the kitchen and helps himself to atlas's refrigerator brad takes off his jacket and hangs it up do you know how to play poker lily i shrug it's been a few years but i used to play with friends in college both of them walk toward the dining room table what happened to your head darren asks as he takes a seat he asks it so casually like it doesn't even cross his mind that it might be a sensitive subject i don't know why i have an urge to give him the naked truth maybe i just want to see how someone will react when they find out my own husband did this to me my husband happened we got into a fight two nights ago and he headbutted me atlas took me to the emergency room they gave me six stitches and told me i was pregnant now i'm hiding out here until i figure out what to do poor darren is frozen halfway between standing and sitting he has no idea how to respond to that based on the look on his face i think he's convinced i'm crazy brad pulls out his chair and takes a seat pointing at me you should get some rodent and fields the amp roller works wonders for scarring i immediately laugh at his random response somehow jesus brad darren says finally sinking into his seat you're worse than your wife with this direct sales you're like a walking infomercial brad raises his hands in defense what he says innocently i'm not trying to sell her anything i'm being honest the stuff works you'd know that if you'd use it on your damn acne screw you darren says it's like you're trying to be a perpetual teenager brad mutters acne isn't cool when you're 30. brad pulls out the chair next to him while darren begins shuffling a deck of cards have a seat lily one of our friends decided to be an idiot and get married last week and now his wife won't let him come to poker night anymore you can be his fill in until he gets a divorce i had every intention of hiding out in my room tonight but these two make it hard to walk away i take a seat next to brad and reach across the table hand me those i say to darren he's shuffling the cards like a one-armed infant he raises an eyebrow and pushes the deck of cards across the table i don't know much about card games but i can shuffle cards like a pro i separate the cards into two piles and scoot them together pressing my thumbs to the ends watching as they beautifully intertwine darren and brad are staring at the deck of cards when there's another knock on the door this time the door swings open without pause and a guy walks in dressed in what looks like a very expensive tweed jacket there's a scarf wrapped around his neck and he begins to unwind it as soon as he slams the door behind him he nudges his head in my direction as he walks toward the kitchen who are you he's older than the other two probably in his mid-forties atlas definitely has an interesting mix of friends this is lily brad says she's married to an and just found out she's pregnant with the asshole's baby lily this is jimmy he's pompous and arrogant pompous and arrogant are the same thing idiot jimmy says he pulls out the chair next to darren and nudges his head at the cards in my hands did atlas plant you here to hustle us what kind of average person knows how to shuffle cards like that i smile and begin to pass cards out to each of them i guess we'll have to play around to find out we're on our third round of bets when atlas finally walks in he closes the door behind him and looks around at the four of us brad said something funny right before atlas opened the door so i'm in the middle of a fit of laughter when atlas locks eyes with me he nods his head toward the kitchen and begins walking in that direction fold i say laying my cards flat on the table as i stand up to follow him when i get to the kitchen he's standing where he isn't visible to the guys at the table i walk over to him and lean against the counter you want me to ask them to leave i shake my head no don't do that i'm actually enjoying it it's keeping my mind off things he nods and i can't help but notice how he smells like herbs rosemary specifically it makes me wish i could see him in action at his restaurant you hungry he asks i shake my head not really i ate some leftover pasta a couple hours ago my hands are pressed into the counter on either side of me he takes a step closer and puts one of his hands over mine brushing his thumb across the top of it i know he doesn't mean for it to be anything more than a comforting gesture but when he touches me it feels like a whole lot more a rush of warmth moves up my chest and i immediately drop my eyes to our hands atlas pauses his thumb for a second like he feels it too he pulls his hand away and backs up a step sorry he mutters turning toward the refrigerator pretending to look for something it's obvious he's trying to spare me from the awkwardness of what just happened i walk back to the table and pick up my cards for the next round a couple of minutes later atlas walks over and takes the seat next to me jimmy shuffles out a round of new cards to everyone so atlas how do you and lily know each other atlas picks up his cards one at a time lily saved my life when we were kids he says matter of fact he glances over at me and winks and i drown in guilt for the way that wink makes me feel especially at a time like this why is my heart doing this to me aw that's sweet brad says lily saved your life now you're saving hers atlas lowers his cards and glares at brad excuse me relax brad says me and lily are tight she knows i'm kidding brad looks at me your life might be complete crap right now lily but it'll get better trust me i've been there darren laughs you've been beat up and pregnant and hiding out at another man's house he says to brad atlas slaps his cards on the table and pushes back in his chair what the hell is wrong with you he yells at darren i reach over and squeeze his arm reassuringly relax i say we bonded before you got here i actually don't mind that they are making light of my situation it really does make it a little less heavy he runs a frustrated hand through his hair shaking his head i'm so confused he says you are alone with them for ten minutes i laugh you can learn a lot about someone in 10 minutes i try to redirect the conversation so how do you all know each other darren leans forward and points at himself i'm the soo's chef at he points at brad he's the dishwasher for now brad interjects i'm working my way up what about you i say to jimmy he smacks and says take a guess based on the way he dresses in the fact that he's been called arrogant and pompous i'd have to assume metra d atlas laughs jimmy actually works in valet i glance back at jimmy and raise an eyebrow he tosses three poker chips down and says it's true i park cars for tips don't let him fool you atlas says he works in valet but only because he's so rich he gets bored i smile it reminds me of alyssa i have an employee like that only works because she's bored she's actually the best employee i have damn straight jimmy mutters i take a look at my cards when it's my turn and toss in the three poker chips atlas's phone rings and he pulls it out of his pocket i'm raising the pot with another chip when he excuses himself from the table to take the call fold brad says slapping his cards on the table i'm watching the hallway atlas just disappeared down in a hurry it makes me wonder if he's talking to cassie or if there's someone else in his life i know what he does for a living i know he has at least three friends i just know nothing about his love life darren lays his cards on the table forever kind i lay down my straight flush and reach forward for all the poker chips as darren groans so does cassie not usually come to poker night i ask fishing for more information on atlas information i'm too scared to ask him myself cassie brad says i stack my winnings up in front of me and nod isn't that his girlfriend's name darren laughs atlas doesn't have a girlfriend i've known him for two years and he's never mentioned anyone named cassie he begins passing out new cards but i'm trying to absorb the information he just gave me i pick up my first two cards when atlas walks back into the room hey atlas jimmy says who the hell is cassie and how come we've never heard you talk about her oh i'm completely mortified i tighten my grip around the cards in my hands and try to avoid looking up at atlas that the room grows so quiet it would be more obvious if i didn't look at him he's staring at jimmy jimmy is staring at him brad and darren are staring at me atlas folds his lips together for a moment and then says there is no cassie his eyes meet mine but only for a brief second but in that brief second i can see it written all over his face there never was a cassie he lied to me atlas clears his throat and then says listen guys i should have cancelled tonight this week has been kind of he rubs his hand over his mouth and jimmy stands up he squeezes atlas on the shoulder and says next week my place atlas nods appreciatively the three of them begin to gather their cards and poker chips brad prized my cards from my fingers apologetically because i'm unable to move as i clutch them tightly it was lovely meeting you lily brad says i somehow find the strength to smile and stand up i give them all hugs goodbye and after the front door closes behind them it's just me and atlas in the room and no cassie cass has never even been in this room because cassie doesn't exist what the hell atlas hasn't moved from his spot near the table neither have i he's standing firm with his arms folded across his chest his head is slightly tilted down but his eyes are boring into me from across the table why would he lie to me well and i weren't even an official couple yet when i ran into atlas at that restaurant the first time hell if atlas had given me any reason to believe there was a chance between us that night i know without a doubt that i would have chosen him over while i barely even knew while at that point but atlas didn't say anything he lied to me and told me he'd been in a relationship for an entire year why why would he do that unless he didn't want me to think i had a chance with him maybe i've been wrong all this time maybe he never even loved me to begin with and he knew that inventing this cassie person would keep me away from him for good yet here i am crashing at his house interacting with his friends eating his food using his shower i can feel the tears begin to sting my eyes and the last thing i want is to stand in front of him and cry right now i walk around the table and rush past him i don't make it far when he grabs my hand wait i stop still facing the other direction talk to me lily he's right behind me now his hand still wrapped around mine i pull it away from him and walk to the other side of the living room i spin and face him just as the first tear rolls down my cheek why did you never come back for me he looked prepared for anything to come out of my mouth other than the words i just spoke to him he runs a hand through his hair and walks to the couch taking a seat after blowing out a calming breath he carefully looks over at me i did lily i don't allow her to move in or out of my lungs i stand completely still processing his answer he came back for me he folds his hands together in front of him when i got out of the marines the first time i went back to maine hoping to find you i asked around and found out which college you went to i wasn't sure what to expect when i showed up because we were two different people by then it had been four years since we saw each other i knew a lot about both of us had probably changed in those four years my knees feel weak so i walk to the chair next to him and lower myself he came back for me i walked around your campus the whole day looking for you finally late that afternoon i saw you you were sitting in the courtyard with a group of your friends i watched you for a long time trying to work up the courage to walk over to you you were laughing you looked happy you were vibrant like i'd never seen you before i had never felt that kind of happiness for another person like i felt when i saw you that day just knowing you were okay he pauses for a moment my hands are clenched around my stomach because it hurts it hurts knowing i was so close to him and i didn't even know i began walking toward you when someone came up behind you a guy he dropped to his knees next to you and when you saw him you smiled and threw your arms around him then you kissed him i closed my eyes he was just a boy i dated for six months he never even made me feel a fraction of what i had felt for atlas he blows out a sharp breath i left after that when i saw that you were happy it was the worst and best feeling a person could ever have at once but i believed at that point that my life was still not good enough for you i had nothing to offer you but love and to me you deserved more than that the next day i signed up for another tour in the marines and now he tosses his hand up lazily in the air like nothing about his life is impressive i bury my head in my hands to take a moment i quietly grieve what could have been what is what wasn't my fingers move to the tattoo on my shoulder i begin to wonder if i'll ever be able to fill in that hole now it makes me wonder if atlas ever feels like i felt when i got this tattoo like all the air is being let out of his heart i still don't understand why he lied to me after running into me at his restaurant if he really felt the things i felt for him why would he make something like that up why did you lie about having a girlfriend he rubs a hand over his face and i can already see the regret before i even hear it in his voice i said that because he looked happy that night when i saw you telling him goodbye it hurt like hell but at the same time i was relieved that you seem to be in a really good place i didn't want you to worry about me and i don't know maybe i was a little jealous i don't know lily i regretted lying to you as soon as i did it my hand goes to my mouth my mind starts to race just as fast as my heart is racing i instantly start thinking about the what ifs what if he would have been honest with me told me how he'd felt where would we be now i want to ask him why he did it why he didn't fight for me but i don't have to ask him because i already know the answer he thought he was giving me what i wanted because all his ever wanted for me was happiness and for some stupid reason he's never felt i could get that with him consider it the more i think about it the more difficult it becomes to breathe i think about atlas while tonight two nights ago it's too much i stand up and make my way back to the guest bedroom i pick up my phone and grab my purse and go back to the living room atlas hasn't moved while left for england today i say i think i should probably go home now can you drive me a sadness enters his eyes and when it does i know that leaving is the right thing to do neither of us has closure i'm not sure we'll ever get it i'm beginning to think closure is a myth and being here right now while i'm still processing everything that's happening to my life is just going to make things worse for me i have to eliminate as much confusion as possible and right now my feelings for atlas topped the list of most confusing he presses his lips tightly together for a moment and then he nods and grabs his keys neither of us speaks the entire drive to my apartment he doesn't drop me off he pulls into the parking lot and gets out of his car i'd feel better if you let me walk you up he says i nod and we wade through even more silence as we ride the elevator up to the seventh floor he follows me all the way to my apartment i fish around in my purse for the keys and don't even realize my hands are shaking until my third failed attempt to open the door atlas calmly takes the keys from me and i step aside as he opens the door for me do you want me to make sure no one's here he asks i'm not i know while isn't here because he's on his way to england but i'm honestly still a little scared to walk into the apartment by myself atlas walks in before me and flips on the lights he continues walking through the apartment flipping on all the lights and walking into each of the rooms when he makes it back to the living room he slides his hands in his jacket pockets he takes a deep breath and then says i don't know what happens next lily he does he knows he just doesn't want it to happen because we both know how much it hurts to say goodbye to each other i look away from him because seeing the look on his face right now cuts straight to my heart i fold my arms over my chest and stare at the floor i have a lot to work through atlas alot and i'm scared i won't be able to do it with you in my life i lift my eyes back to his i hope you don't take offense to that because if anything it's a compliment he regards me silently for a moment not at all surprised by what i'm saying but i can see there's so much he wants to say there's a lot i wish i could say to him too but we both know discussing the two of us isn't appropriate at this point i'm married i'm pregnant with another man's baby and he's standing in the living room of an apartment that another man bought for me i'd say these aren't very good conditions in which to bring up all the things we should have said to each other a long time ago he looks at the door momentarily as if he's trying to decide to leave or speak i can see the twitch in his jaw right before he locks eyes with me if you ever need me i want you to call me he says but only if it's an emergency i'm not capable of being casual with you lily i'm taken aback by his words but only momentarily as much as i wasn't expecting him to admit it he's absolutely right since the day we met there has been nothing casual about our relationship it's either all in or not in at all that's why he separated ties when he left for the military he knew that a casual friendship would never work between us it would have been too painful apparently that hasn't changed goodbye atlas saying those words again tears me up almost as much as the first time i had to say them he winces and then turns and walks to the door like he can't leave fast enough when the door closes behind him i walk over and lock it then press my head against it two days ago i was asking myself how my life could possibly get any better today i'm asking myself how it could possibly get any worse i jumped back with the sudden knock at the door it's only been 10 seconds since he walked out so i know it's atlas i unlock it and open it and i'm suddenly pressed against something soft atlas's arms wrapped tightly around me desperately and his lips are pressed against the side of my head i squeezed my eyes shut and finally let the tears fall i've cried so many tears for while over the past two days i have no idea how i still have any left for atlas but i do because they're falling down my cheeks like rain lily he whispers still holding me tightly i know this is the last thing you need to hear right now but i have to say it because i've walked away from you too many times without saying what i really want to say he pulls back to look down at me and when he sees my tears he brings his hands up to my cheeks in the future if by some miracle you ever find yourself in the position to fall in love again fall in love with me he presses his lips against my forehead you're still my favorite person lily always will be he releases me and walks away not even needing a response when i close the door again i slide to the floor my heart feels like it wants to give up i don't blame it it suffered through two separate heartaches in the course of two days and i have a feeling it's going to be a long time before either of those heartaches can even begin to heal chapter 29 alyssa drops onto the couch beside me and riley i miss you so much lily she says i'm thinking about coming back to work a day or two a week i laugh a little shocked by her comment i live downstairs and i visit almost every day how can you possibly miss me she pouts as she pulls her legs up beneath her fine it's not you i miss i miss work and sometimes i just want out of this house it's been six weeks since she had riley so i'm sure she would be cleared to come back to work but i honestly didn't think she'd even want to come back now that she is riley i bend forward and give riley a kiss on her nose would you bring riley with you alyssa shakes her head no you keep me too busy for that marshall can watch her while i work you mean you don't have people for that marshall is passing through the living room when he hears me say that shush lily don't speak like a rich girl in front of my daughter blasphemy i laugh that's why i come over here a few nights a week because it's the only time i laugh it's been six weeks since rile left for england and no one knows what happened between us while hasn't told anyone and neither have i everyone my mother included believes he simply left for the study at cambridge and that nothing has changed between us i also still haven't told anyone about the pregnancy i've been to the doctor twice it turns out i was already 12 weeks along the night i found out i was pregnant which makes me 18 weeks along now i'm still trying to wrap my head around it i've been on the pill since i was 18. apparently being forgetful a few times caught up with me i'm beginning to show but it's cold out so it's been easy to hide no one suspects a thing when you have on a baggy sweater and a jacket i know i need to tell someone soon but i feel like while should be the first one i tell and i don't want to do that over a long distance phone conversation he'll be back in six weeks if i can somehow keep things quiet until then i'll decide where to go from there i look down at riley and she's smiling up at me i make silly faces at her to make her smile more there have been so many times i've wanted to tell alyssa about the pregnancy but it makes it hard when the secret i'm keeping is being kept from her own brother i don't want to put her in that kind of situation no matter how much it kills me that i can't talk to her about it how are you holding up without ryle alyssa asks you ready for him to come home i nod but i don't say anything i always try to brush off the subject when she brings him up alyssa leans back into the couch and says is he still liking cambridge yes i say sticking my tongue out at riley she grins i wonder if my baby will look like her i hope so she's really cute but i might be a little partial did he ever figure out the subway system there alyssa laughs i swear every time i talk to him he's lost he can't figure out whether to take the a-line or the b-line yeah i tell her he figured it out alyssa sits up on the couch marshall marshall walks into the living room and alyssa pulls riley out of my hands she hands her to marshall and says will you change her diaper i don't know why she asks him that i just changed her diaper marshall scrunches up his nose and lifts riley out of alyssa's arms are you a stinky girl they're wearing matching honeses alyssa grabs my hands and yanks me off the couch so fast i squeal where are we going she doesn't answer me she marches toward her bedroom and then slams the door once we're both inside she paces back and forth a few times and then she stops and faces me you better tell me what the hell is going on right now lily i pull back in shock what is she talking about my hands instantly go to my stomach because i think maybe she's noticed but she doesn't look at my stomach she takes a step forward and pokes a finger in my chest there is no subway system in cambridge england you idiot what i am so confused i made that up she says something hasn't been right with you for a long time you're my best friend lily and i know my brother i talk to him every week and he isn't the same something happened between you two and i want to know what it is right now i guess this is happening sooner rather than later i slowly bring my hands up to my mouth not sure what to tell her how much to tell her i had no idea until this moment how much it's been killing me that i haven't been able to talk to her about this i almost feel a little relieved that she reads me so well i walk to her bed and take a seat on it alyssa i whisper sit down i know this is going to hurt her almost as much as it hurt me she walks over to her bed and sits down next to me pulling my hands to hers i don't even know where to start she squeezes my hands but says nothing for the next fifteen minutes i tell her everything i tell her about the fight i tell her about atlas picking me up i tell her about the hospital i tell her about the pregnancy i tell her about how for the last six weeks i cry myself to sleep every night because i have never felt so alone and so scared when i'm finished telling her everything we're both crying she hasn't responded to what i've told her with anything other than the occasional oh lily she doesn't have to respond though ryle is her brother i know she wants me to take his past into consideration just like the last time it happened i know she'll want me to work things out with him because he's her brother we're supposed to be one big happy family i know exactly what she's thinking she's quiet for a long time as she struggles through everything i've told her she finally lifts her eyes to mine and squeezes my hands my brother loves you lily he loves you so much you have changed his entire life and have made him someone that i never thought he could be as his sister i wish more than anything that you could find a way to forgive him but as your best friend i have to tell you that if you take him back i will never speak to you again it takes a moment for her words to register but when they do i start sobbing she starts sobbing she wraps her arms around me and we cry over the mutual love we have for ryle we cry over how much we hate him right now after several minutes of us sobbing pathetically on her bed she releases me and walks over to her dresser to retrieve a box of tissues we're both wiping our eyes and sniffling when i say you're the best friend i've ever had she nods i know and now i'm gonna be the best aunt she wipes her nose and sniffles again but she's smiling lily you're having a baby she says it with excitement and it's the first moment i've been able to share any sense of joy over my pregnancy i hate to say it but i noticed you put on weight i thought you were just depressed and eating a lot since while left she walks to the back of her closet and starts pulling things out for me i have so many maternity clothes to give you we start going through clothes and she pulls down a suitcase and opens it she begins to throw things toward the suitcase until it starts to overflow i could never wear these i tell her holding up a shirt that still has the tag on it they are all designer i'll get them dirty she laughs and shoves them into the suitcase anyway i won't need them back if i get pregnant again i'll just have my people buy me more she pulls a shirt off a hanger and hands it to me here try this one on i take my shirt off and then pull the maternity shirt over my head when i get it into place i look in the mirror i look pregnant like you can t hide this pregnant she puts a hand on my stomach and stares in the mirror with me have you found out if it's a boy or a girl i shake my head i don't really want to know i hope it's a girl she says our daughters can be besties lily we both spin around to find marshall standing in the doorway his eyes are on my stomach on alyssa's hand still on my stomach he tilts his head he points at me you he says confused lily there's a do you realize you're pregnant alyssa calmly walks to the door and puts her hand on the doorknob there are some things you are never ever to repeat if you want to keep me as your wife this is one of those things understood marshall raises his eyebrows and takes a step back yes okay got it lily is not pregnant he kisses alyssa on the forehead and looks back at me i am not telling you congratulations lily for absolutely nothing alyssa shoves him all the way out the door and closes it then turns back to me we need to plan a baby shower she says no i need to tell ryle first she waves her hand dismissively we don't need him to plan a shower we'll just keep it between the two of us until then she pulls out her laptop and for the first time since i found out i was pregnant i feel happy about it chapter 30 it's rather convenient only having to take an elevator to get home from melissa's as much as i want to move out of my own apartment at times it's still strange living there we only lived there a week before we split up and rile left for england it never even had the chance to feel like home and now it feels a little tainted i haven't even been able to sleep in our bedroom since that night so i've been sleeping in the guest room on my old bed alyssa and marshall are still the only ones who know about the pregnancy it's only been two weeks since i told them which makes me twenty weeks along now i know i should tell my mother but while we'll be back in a few weeks i feel like i should tell him first before anyone else finds out if i can just somehow hide my baby bump from her until he gets back to the states i should probably just accept the fact that i'm more than likely going to have to call him and tell him long distance i haven't seen my mother face to face in two weeks it's the longest we've gone without seeing each other since she moved to boston so if something doesn't happen soon she'll show up at my front door when i'm not prepared i swear my stomach has doubled in size these last two weeks alone if someone sees me who knows me well it'll be impossible to hide so far no one at the floral shop has asked about it i think i'm still on the cusp of is she pregnant or just chubby i start to unlock the door to my apartment but it begins to open from the other side before i can pull the jacket over to hide my stomach from whoever is on the other side of the door while's eyes land on me i'm wearing one of the shirts alyssa gave me and it's kind of impossible to hide the fact that i'm wearing a maternity shirt when he's staring right at it ryle ryle is here my heart begins to smash against the walls of my chest my neck begins to itch so i bring my hand up and rest it there feeling the pounding of my heart against my palm it's pounding because i'm terrified of him it's pounding because i hate him it's pounding because i've missed him his eyes slowly cool from my stomach to my face a hurtful expression takes over him like i've just stabbed him straight through the heart he takes a step back into my apartment and his hands come up to his mouth he begins to shake his head in confusion i can see the betrayal all over his face when he barely forces out my name lily i stand frozen one hand on my stomach and protection the other hand still flat against my chest i'm too scared to move or say anything i don't want to react until i know exactly how he's going to react when he sees the fear in my eyes and the small gasps of breath i'm barely inhaling he holds up a reassuring palm i'm not going to hurt you lily i'm just here to talk to you he swings the door open wider and points into the living room look he steps aside and my eyes fall to someone standing behind him now i'm the one who feels betrayed marshall marshall immediately holds up his hands in defense i had no idea he was coming home early lily while texted and asked for my help he specifically told me not to say anything to you or sir please don't let her divorce me i'm simply an innocent bystander i shake my head trying to understand what i'm seeing i asked him to meet me here so you'd feel more comfortable talking to me while says he's here for you he's not here for me i glance back at marshall and he nods it gives me enough reassurance to enter the apartment ryle is still somewhat in shock which is understandable his eyes keep meeting my stomach and then flicking away like it hurts to look at me he runs two hands through his hair and then points down the hallway while looking at marshall we'll be in the bedroom if you hear me get if i start to yell marshall knows what ryle is asking him i'm not going anywhere as i follow ryle into my bedroom i wonder what that must be like to have no idea what might set you off or how bad your reaction will be to have absolutely no control over your own emotions for a brief moment i feel a minuscule amount of sorrow for him but when my eyes fall to our bed and i remember that night my sorrow diminishes completely while pushes the door shut but doesn't close it all the way he looks like he's aged an entire year in the two months it's been since i've seen him the bags under his eyes the furrowed brow the sunken posture if regretting human form it would look identical to ryle his eyes fall to my stomach again and he takes a slow step forward then another he's cautious as he should be he reaches out a timid hand asking for permission to touch me i nod softly he takes one more step forward and then places a steady palm against my stomach i can feel the warmth of his hand through my shirt and my eyes snap shut despite the resentment i've built up in my heart toward him it doesn't mean the emotions aren't still there just because someone hurts you doesn't mean you can simply stop loving them it's not a person's actions that hurt the most it's the love if there was no love attached to the action the pain would be a little easier to bear he moves his hand over my stomach and i open my eyes again he's shaking his head like he can't process what's happening right now i watch as he slowly sinks to his knees in front of me his arms snake around my waist and he presses his lips against my stomach he clasps his hands around my lower back and presses his forehead against me it's hard to describe what i feel for him in this moment like any mother would want for her child it's a beautiful thing to see the love he already has it's been hard not sharing this with anyone it's hard not being able to share this with him no matter how much resentment i hold toward him my hands go to his hair while he holds me against him part of me wants to scream at him and call the police like i should have done that night part of me feels for that little boy who held his brother in his arms and watched him die part of me wishes i would have never met him part of me wishes i could forgive him he unwraps his arms from around my waist and presses a hand into the mattress next to us he pulls himself up and then sits on the bed his elbows rest on his knees and his hands are drawn up to his mouth i sit next to him knowing we have to have this conversation but not wanting to naked truths he nods i don't know which one of us is supposed to go first i don't really have much to say to him at this point so i wait for him to speak first i don't even know where to start lily he rubs his hands down his face how about you start with i'm sorry i attacked you his eyes meet mine white with certainty lily you have no idea i am so sorry you have no idea what i've been through these past two months knowing what i've done to you i clench my teeth together i can feel my fingers as they fist around the blanket beside me i have no idea what he's been through i shake my head slowly you have no idea while i stand up the anger and hatred spilling out of me i spin pointing at him you have no idea you have no idea what it's like to go through what you've put me through to fear for your life at the hands of the man you love to get physically sick just thinking about what he's done to you you have no idea while none you you for doing this to me i suck in a huge breath shocked at myself the anger just came like a wave i swipe at my tears and spin around unable to look at him lily he says i don't no i yell spinning around again i am not finished you don't get to say your truth until i've said mine he's grabbing at his jaw squeezing the stress out of it he drops his eyes to the floor unable to look at the wage in mind i take three steps toward him and drop to my knees i place my hands on his legs forcing him to look me straight in the eyes while i speak to him yes i kept the magnet atlas gave me when we were kids yes i kept the journals no i didn't tell you about my tattoo yes i probably should have and yes i still love him and i'll love him until i die because he was a huge part of my life and yes i'm sure that hurts you but none of that gave you the right to do what you did to me even if you would have walked into my bedroom and caught us in bed together you still would not have the right to lay a hand on me you goddamn son of a i push off his knees and stand up again now it's your turn i yell i continue pacing the room my heart is pounding like it wants out i wish i could give it a way out i'd set the free right now if i could several minutes pass as i continue to pace while silence and my anger eventually just fold together into pain my tears have exhausted me i am so tired of feeling i fall desperately onto my bed and cry into my pillow i press my face so hard against my pillow i can barely breathe i feel well lie down next to me he places a gentle hand on the back of my head attempting to soothe away the pain is causing me my eyes are closed still pressed into the pillow but i feel him gently rest his head against mine my truth is that i have absolutely nothing to say he says quietly i'll never be able to take back what i did to you and you'll never believe me if i promise it won't happen again he presses a kiss against my head you are my world lily my world when i woke up on this bed that night and you were gone i knew i would never get you back i came here to tell you how incredibly sorry i am i came to tell you i was taking that job offer in minnesota i came to tell you goodbye but lily his lips press against my head again and he exhales sharply lily i can't do that now you have a part of me inside of you and i already love this baby more than i've ever loved anything in my whole life his voice cracks and he grips me even harder please don't take this away from me lily please the pain in his voice ripples through me and when i lift my tear-soaked face to look at him he presses his lips desperately to mine and then pulls back please lily i love you help me his lips briefly meet mine again when i don't push him away his mouth comes back a third time a fourth when his lips meet mine the fifth time they don't leave he wraps his arms around me and pulls me to him my body is tired and weak but it remembers him my body remembers how his body can soothe everything i'm feeling howie has a gentleness in it that my body has been craving for two months now i love you he whispers against my mouth his tongue sweeps softly against mine and it's so wrong and so good and so painful before i know it i'm on my back and he's crawling on top of me his touch is everything i need in everything i shouldn't his hand wraps in my hair and in an instant i'm transferred back to that night i'm in the kitchen and his hand is tugging my hair so hard it hurts he brushes the hair from my face and in an instant i'm transferred back to that night i'm standing in the doorway and his hand is trailing across my shoulder right before he bites into me with all the strength in his jaw his forehead rests gently against mine and in an instant i'm transferred back to that night i'm on this same bed beneath him when he slams his head against mine so hard i have to get six stitches my body becomes unresponsive to his the anger begins to roll back over me his mouth stops moving against mine when he feels me freeze when he pulls back and looks down on me i don't even have to say anything our eyes lock together speak more naked truths than our mouths ever have my eyes are telling his that i can no longer stand being touched by him his eyes are telling mine that he already knows he begins to nod slowly he backs away from me crawling down my body until he's at the edge of the bed with his back to me he's still nodding as he comes to a slow stand fully aware that he's not getting my forgiveness tonight he begins heading toward my bedroom door wait i say to him he half turns looking back at me from the doorway i lift my chin looking at him with finality i wish this baby wasn't yours while with everything that i am i wish this baby was not a part of you if i thought his world couldn't crumble more i was wrong he walks out of my bedroom and i press my face into my pillow i thought if i could just hurt him like he had hurt me i would feel avenged i don't instead i feel vindictive and mean i feel like i'm my father chapter 31 mom i miss you when am i going to see you i stare at the text it's been two days since while found out i'm pregnant i know it's time to tell my mother i'm not nervous about telling her i'm pregnant the only thing that scares me is discussing my situation with ryle with her me miss you too i'll come over tomorrow afternoon can you make lasagna as soon as i close out the text to her i get another incoming text alyssa come upstairs and eat dinner with us tonight it's homemade pizza night i haven't been to alyssa's in a few days since before rowell came home i'm not sure where he's staying but i assume it's with them the last thing i want right now is to have to be in the same apartment as him me who will be there alyssa lilly i wouldn't do that to you he's working until late tomorrow morning it'll just be the three of us she knows me way too well i text her back and tell her i'll come over as soon as i finish up with work what do babies eat at this age we're all seated around the table riley was asleep when i got here but i woke up so i could hold her alyssa didn't mind she said she doesn't want her wide awake when she's ready to go to bed breast milk marshall says with a mouthful but sometimes i stick my finger in my soda and put it in her mouth so she can taste it marshall alyssa yells you better be kidding totally kidding he says although i can't tell if he really is but when do they start eating baby food i ask i figure i need to learn this stuff before giving birth around for months alyssa says with a yawn she drops her fork and leans back in her chair rubbing her eyes you want me to keep her at my place tonight so you guys can get a full night of sleep alyssa says no it's fine at the same time marshall says that would be awesome i laugh really i live right downstairs don't work tomorrow so if i don't get any sleep tonight i can just sleep in tomorrow alyssa looks like she's contemplating it for a moment i could leave my cell phone on in case you need me i look back down at riley and grin did you hear that you get to have a sleepover with aunt lily with everything alyssa is throwing in her diaper bag it looks like i'm about to take riley on a trip across the country she'll let you know when she's hungry don't use the microwave to heat the milk just put it in i know i interrupt i've made her like 50 bottles since she's been alive alyssa nods and then walks over to her bed she drops the diaper bag down beside me marshall is in the living room feeding riley one last time so alyssa lies down beside me on the bed while we wait she props her head up on her hand do you know what this means she asks no what i get to have sex tonight it's been four months i crinkle up my nose i didn't need to know that she laughs and falls down on her pillow but then sits straight up she says i should probably shave my legs i think it's been four months since i did that too i laugh but then i gasp my hands move quickly to my stomach oh my god i just felt something really alyssa puts her hand on my stomach and we're both quiet for the next five minutes as we wait for it to happen again it does but it's so soft it's almost unnoticeable i laugh again as soon as it happens i didn't feel anything alyssa says pouting i guess it'll be a few more weeks before you can feel it from the outside though is this the first time you felt it move yeah i've been scared i was growing the laziest baby in history i keep my hands on my stomach hoping to feel it again we sit quietly for a few more minutes and i can't help but wish my circumstances were different while should be here he should be the one sitting beside me with his hand on my stomach not alyssa the thought almost takes away all the joy i'm feeling alyssa must notice because she puts one of her hands on mine and squeezes when i look at her she isn't smiling anymore lily she says i've been wanting to say something to you oh god i don't like the sound of her voice what is it she sighs and then forces a gloomy smile i know you're sad that you're going through this without my brother no matter how involved he is i just want you to know that this is going to be the best thing you've ever experienced in your life you're gonna be a great mom lily this baby is really lucky i'm glad alyssa is the only one in here right now because her words make me laugh cry and snot like a hormonal teenager i hug her and tell her thank you it's amazing how hearing those words gives me back the joy i was feeling she smiles and then says now go get my baby and take her away from here so i can have some sex with my filthy rich husband i roll off the bed and stand up you sure know how to bring levity into a situation i'd say it's your strong point she smiles that's what i'm here for now go away chapter 32 of all the secrets i've held over the last few months i'm the saddest about keeping everything from my mother i don't know how she'll take it i know she'll be excited about the pregnancy but i don't know how she'll feel about me in while splitting up she loves ryle and based on her history with these types of situations she'll probably find it very easy to excuse his behavior and try and convince me to take him back and in all honesty that's part of the reason i've been stalling this because i'm scared there's a chance she might be successful most days i'm strong most days i'm so mad at him that the thought of ever forgiving him is ludicrous but some days i miss him so much i can't breathe i miss the fun i had with him i miss making love to him i miss missing him he used to work so many hours that when he would walk in the front door at night i would rush across the room and jump in his arms because i missed him so much i even miss how much he loved it when i would do that it's the not so strong days when i wish my mother knew about everything that was going on i sometimes just want to drive over to her house and curl up on the couch with her while she tucks my hair behind my ear and tells me it'll all be okay sometimes even grown women need their mother's comfort so we can just take a break from having to be strong all the time i sit in my car parked in her driveway for a good five minutes before i work up the strength to go inside it sucks that i have to do this because i know that in a way i'll be breaking her heart too i hate it when she said and telling her i married a man who might be like my father is going to make her really sad when i walk through the front door she's in the kitchen layering noodles in a pan i don't remove my coat right away for obvious reasons i'm not wearing a maternity shirt but my bump is almost impossible to hide without a jacket especially from a mother hey sweetie she says i walk into the kitchen and give her a side hug while she layers cheese over the top of the lasagna once the lasagna is in the oven we walk over to the dining room table and take a seat she leans back in her chair and takes a sip from a glass of tea she's smiling i hate it even more that she looks so happy right now lily she says there's something i need to tell you i don't like this i was coming over here to talk to her i'm not prepared to receive a talk what is it i ask hesitantly she grips her glass of tea with both hands i'm seeing someone my mouth drops open really i ask shaking my head that's i'm about to say good but then i grow instantly worried that she's just put herself in a similar situation she was in with my father she can see the worry on my face so she grabs my hands in both of hers he's good lily he's so good i promise relief washes over me in an instant because i can see she's telling the truth i can see the happiness in her eyes wow i say not expecting this at all i'm happy for you when can i meet him tonight if you want she says i can invite him over to eat with us i shake my head no i whisper now's not a good time her hands squeeze around mine as soon as she realizes i'm here to tell her something important i start with the better part of the news first i stand up and remove my jacket at first she doesn't think anything of it she just assumes i'm making myself comfortable but then i take one of her hands and i press it against my stomach you're gonna be a grandma her eyes widen and for several seconds she's stunned speechless but then tears begin to form she jumps up and pulls me into a hug lily she says oh my god she pulls back smiling that was so fast were you trying you haven't even been married for very long i shake my head no it was a shock believe me she laughs and after another hug we both sit down again i try to keep up my smile but it's not the smile of an elated expectant mother she sees that almost immediately she slides a hand over her mouth sweetie she whispers what's the matter until this moment i fought to remain strong i fought to not feel too sorry for myself when i'm around other people but sitting here with my mother i crave weakness i just want to be able to give up for a little while i want her to take over and hug me and tell me it'll all be okay and for the next 15 minutes while i cry in her arms that's exactly what happens i just stop fighting for myself because i need someone else to do it for me i spare her most of the details of our relationship but i do tell her the most important things that has hurt me on more than one occasion and i don't know what to do that i'm scared to have this baby alone that i'm scared i might make the wrong decision but i'm scared i'm being too weak and that i should have had him arrested that i'm scared i'm being too sensitive and i don't know if i'm overreacting basically i tell her everything i haven't even been brave enough to fully admit to myself she retrieves some napkins out of the kitchen and comes back to the table after our eyes are finally dry she begins to crumple the napkin up between her hands rolling it over in circles as she stares down at it do you want to take him back she asks i don't say yes but i also don't say no this is the first moment since this has happened that i'm being completely honest i'm honest to her and to myself maybe because she's the only one i know who has been through this she's the only one i know who would understand the massive amounts of confusion i've been experiencing i shake my head but i also shrug most of me feels like i'll never be able to trust him again but a huge part of me grieves what i had with him we were so good together mom the times i spent with him were some of the best moments of my life and occasionally i feel like maybe i don't want to give that up i wipe the napkin beneath my eye soaking up more tears sometimes when i'm really missing him i tell myself that maybe it wasn't that bad maybe i could put up with him when he's at his worst just so i can have him when he's at his best she puts her hand on top of mine and rubs her thumb back and forth i know exactly what you mean lily but the last thing you want to do is lose sight of your limit please don't allow that to happen i have no idea what she means by that she sees the confusion in my expression so she squeezes my arm and explains in more detail we all have a limit what we're willing to put up with before we break when i married your father i knew exactly what my limit was but slowly with every incident my limit was pushed a little more and a little more the first time your father hit me he was immediately sorry he swore it would never happen again the second time he hit me he was even more sorry the third time it happened it was more than a hit it was a beating and every single time i took him back but the fourth time it was only a slap and when that happened i felt relieved i remember thinking at least he didn't beat me this time this wasn't so bad she brings the napkin up to her eyes and says every incident chips away at your limit every time you choose to stay it makes the next time that much harder to leave eventually you lose sight of your limit altogether because you start to think i've lasted five years now what's five more she grabs my hands and holds them while i cry don't be like me lily i know that you believe he loves you and i'm sure he does but he's not loving you the right way he doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved if while truly loves you he wouldn't allow you to take him back he would make the decision to leave you himself so that he knows for a fact he can never hurt you again that's the kind of love a woman deserves lily i wish with all my heart that she didn't learn these things from experience i pull her to me and hug her for whatever reason i thought i would have to defend myself to her when i came over here not once did i think i would come over here and learn from her i should know better i thought my mother was weak in the past but she's actually one of the strongest women i know mom i say pulling back i want to be you when i grow up she laughs and brushes the hair from my face i can see in the way she looks at me that she trades spots with me in a heartbeat she's feeling more pain for me in this moment than she ever felt for herself i want to tell you something she says she reaches for my hands again the day you gave your father's eulogy i know you didn't freeze up lily you stood at that podium and refused to say a single good thing about that man it was the proudest i have ever been of you you were the only one in my life who ever stood up for me you were strong when i was scared a tear falls from her eye when she says be that girl lily brave and bold chapter 33 what am i going to do with three car seats i'm sitting on alyssa's couch staring at all the stuff she threw me a baby shower today my mother came wild's mother even flew in for it but she's in the guest room sleeping off her jet lag now the girls from the floral shop came in a few friends from my old job even devin came it was actually a lot of fun despite the fact that i've been dreading it for the past several weeks that's why i told you to start a registry so none of the gifts would be duplicated alyssa says i sigh i guess i can have mom return hers she's bought me enough stuff as it is i stand up and start gathering all the gifts marshall already said he'd help me carry them down to my apartment so alyssa helps me throw everything inside trash bags i hold them open while she picks everything up from the floor i'm almost 30 weeks pregnant now so she doesn't get the easier job of holding open the trash we have everything bagged up and marshall is on his second trip down to my apartment when i open alyssa's front door prepared to drag a trash bag full of gifts to the elevator what i'm not prepared for israel who is standing on the other side of the door looking back at me we both look equally as shocked to see each other considering we haven't spoken since our fight three months ago this encounter was bound to happen though i can't be best friends with my husband's sister and live in the same building as him without eventually running into him i'm sure he knew i was having the shower today since his mother flew in for it but he still looks a little surprised when he sees all the stuff behind me it makes me wonder if him showing up just as i'm leaving is a coincidence or a suitable convenience he looks down at the trash bag i'm holding and he takes it from my hands let me get this i let him he takes the bag and another one down to the apartment while i gather my things he and marshall are walking back inside the apartment as i'm preparing to walk out while grabs the last bag of stuff and begins to head toward the front door again i'm following behind him when marshall gives me a silent look asking me if i'm okay with while going downstairs with me i'm not i can't keep avoiding well forever so now is as good a time as any to discuss where we go from here it's only a few floors between their apartment and mine but the elevator ride down with roll feels like the longest it's ever taken i catch him staring at my stomach a couple of times and it makes me wonder how it must feel going three months without seeing me pregnant my apartment door is unlocked so i push it open and he follows me inside he takes the last of the stuff to the nursery and i can hear him moving things around opening boxes i stay in the kitchen and clean things that don't even need cleaning my heart is in my throat knowing he's in my apartment i don't feel scared of him in this moment i just feel nervous i want to be more prepared for this conversation because i absolutely hate confrontation but i know we need to discuss the baby in our future i just don't want to not yet anyway he walks down the hallway and into the kitchen i catch him looking at my stomach again he glances away just as quickly do you want me to assemble the crib while i'm here i should probably say no but he's half responsible for the child growing inside of me if he's going to offer physical labor i'm going to take it no matter how angry i still am at him yeah that would be a big help he points toward the laundry room is my toolbox still in there i nod and he heads toward the laundry room i open the refrigerator and face it so i don't have to watch him walk back through the kitchen when he's finally in the nursery again i close the refrigerator and press my forehead against it as i grip the handle i breathe in and out as i try to process everything that's happening inside of me right now he looks really good it's been so long since i've seen him i forgot how beautiful he is i have an urge to run down the hallway and jump into his arms i want to feel his mouth on mine i want to hear him tell me how much he loves me i want him to lie down next to me and put his hand on my stomach like i've imagined him doing so many times it would be so easy my life would be so much easier right now if i would just forgive him and take him back i close my eyes and repeat the words my mother said to me if ralph truly loves you he wouldn't allow you to take him back that reminder is the only thing that prevents me from running down the hallway i keep myself busy in the kitchen for the next hour as he remains in the nursery i eventually have to walk past it to grab my phone charger from my room on my way back down the hallway i pause at the door of the nursery the crib is assembled he even put the bedding on he's standing over it gripping the railing staring inside the empty crib he's so quiet and still he looks like a statue he's lost in thought and doesn't even notice me standing outside the doorway it makes me wonder where his mind has wandered is he thinking about the baby the child he won't even be living with when it sleeps in that very crib until this moment i wasn't sure if he even wanted to be a part of the baby's life but the look on his face proves to me that he does i've never seen so much sadness in one expression and i'm not even facing him straight on i feel like the sadness his feeling in this moment has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with thoughts of his child he glances up and sees me standing in the doorway he pushes off the crib and shakes himself out of his trance finished he says waving a hand toward the crib he begins putting his tools back inside the tool case is there anything else you need while i'm here i shake my head as i walk over to the crib and admire it since i don't know if it's a boy or a girl i decided to go with a nature theme the bedding set is tan and green with pictures of plants and trees all over it it matches the curtains and will eventually match a mule i plan to paint on the wall at some point i also plan to fill the nursery with a few live plants from the shop i can't help but smile finally seeing it all start to come together he even put up the mobile i reach up and turn it on and brahms's lullaby begins to play i stare at it as it makes a full spin and then i glance back at while he's standing a few feet away just watching me as i stare back at him i think about how easy it is for humans to make judgments when we're standing on the outside of a situation i spent years judging my mother's situation it's easy when we're on the outside to believe that we would walk away without a second thought if a person mistreated us it's easy to say we couldn't continue to love someone who mistreats us when we aren't the ones feeling the love of that person when you experience it firsthand it isn't so easy to hate the person who mistreats you when most of the time they're your godsend ryle's eyes gain a little bit of hope and i hate that he can see that my walls are temporarily lowered he begins to take a slow step toward me i know he's about to pull me to him and hug me so i take a quick step away from him and just like that the wall is back up between us allowing him back inside this apartment was a huge step for me in itself he needs to realize that he hides whatever rejection he's feeling with a stoic expression he tucks the toolbox under his arm and then grabs the box the crib came in it's filled with all the trash from everything he opened and put together i'll take this to the dumpster he says walking toward the door if you need help with anything else just let me know okay i nod and somehow mutter thank you when i hear the front door close i turn back and face the crib my eyes fill with tears and not for myself this time not for the baby i cry for a while because even though he's responsible for the situation he's in i know how sad he is about it and when you love someone seeing them sad also makes you sad neither of us brought up our separation or even a chance at reconciliation we didn't even talk about what's going to happen when this baby is born in 10 weeks i'm just not ready for that conversation yet and the least he can do for me right now is show me patience the patience he still owes me from all the times he had none chapter 34 i finished rinsing the paint out of the brushes and then walk back to the nursery to admire the mural i spent most of yesterday and all of today painting it it's been two weeks since ryle came over and put the crib together now that the mural is finished and i brought in a few plants from the store i feel like the nursery is finally complete i look around and feel a little sad that no one is here to admire the room with me i grab my phone and text alyssa me mural is finished you should come down and look at it alyssa i'm not home running errands i'll come look at it tomorrow bo i frown and decide to text my mother she has to work tomorrow but i know she'll be just as excited to see it as i was to finish it me feel like driving into town tonight the nursery is finally finished mom can't recital night at school i'll be here late i can't wait to see it i'll come by tomorrow i sit down in the rocking chair and know that i shouldn't do what i'm about to do but i do it anyway me the nursery is finished do you want to come look at it every nerve in my body springs to life as soon as i hit send i stare at my phone until his reply comes through while of course on my way down now i immediately stand up and begin making last minute touches i fluff the pillows on the love seat and straighten one of the wall hangings i'm barely to the front door when i hear his knock i open it and damn it he's wearing scrubs i step aside as he makes his way in alyssa said you were painting a mural i follow him down the hallway toward the nursery it's taken two days to finish i tell him my body feels like i ran a marathon and all i did was walk up and down a stepladder a few times he glances over his shoulder and i can see the concern in his expression he's worried that i was here doing it all on my own he shouldn't worry i've got this when we make it to the nursery he stops in the doorway on the opposite wall i painted a garden it's complete with almost every fruit and vegetable i could think of that grows in a garden i'm not a painter but it's amazing what you can do with a projector and transparent paper wow ryle says i grin because i recognize the surprise in his voice and i know it's genuine he walks into the room and looks around shaking his head the whole time lily it's wow if you were alyssa i'd clap and jump up and down but israel and with the way things have been between us that would be a little awkward he walks over to the window where i set up a swing he gives it a little push and it begins moving from side to side it also moves front to back i tell him i don't know if he even knows anything about baby swings but i was pretty impressed by that feature he walks over to the changing table and pulls one of the diapers out of the holder he unfolds it and holds it up in front of him it's so tiny he says i don't remember riley being this tiny hearing him mention riley makes me a little sad we've been living apart since the night she was born so i've never been able to see him interact with her while folds up the diaper and puts it back in the holder when he turns to face me he smiles lifting his hands to motion around the room it's really great lily he says all of it you're really doing his hands dropped to his hips and his smile falters you're doing really well a thickness seems to form in the air around me it's suddenly difficult to take in a full breath because for whatever reason i feel like i need to cry i just really like this moment and it saddens me that we couldn't spend the entire pregnancy full of moments like these it feels good sharing this with him but i'm also scared i might be giving him false hope now that he's here and he saw the nursery i'm not sure what to do next it's glaringly obvious that we need to discuss a lot of things but i have no idea where to start or how i walk over to the rocking chair and take a seat naked truth i say looking up at him exhales a huge breath and nods then takes a seat on the sofa please lily please tell me you're ready to talk about this his reaction eases my nerves a little knowing he's ready to discuss everything i wrap my arms around my stomach and lean forward in the rocking chair you go first he clasps his hands together between his knees he looks at me with so much sincerity i have to glance away i don't know what you want from me lily i don't know what role you want me to have i'm trying to give you all the space you need but at the same time i want to help more than you possibly know i want to be in our baby's life i want to be your husband and i want to be good at it but i have no idea what's going through your head his words fill me with guilt despite what has happened between us in the past he's still this baby's father he has the legal right to be a father no matter how i feel about it and i want him to be a father i want him to be a good father but deep down i'm still holding on to one of my biggest fears and i know i need to talk to him about it i would never keep you from your child while i'm happy you want to be involved but leans forward and buries his face in his hands with that last word what kind of mother would i be if a small part of me doesn't have concern in regard to your temper the way you lose control how do i know something won't set you off while you're alone with this baby so much agony floods his eyes i think they might burst like dams he begins to shake his head adamantly lily i would never i know while you would never intentionally hurt your own child i don't even believe it was intentional when you hurt me but you did and trust me i want to believe that you would never do something like that my father was only abusive toward my mother there are many men women even who abuse their significant others without ever losing their temper with anyone else i want to believe your words with all my heart but you have to understand where my hesitation comes in i'll never deny you a relationship with your child but i'm going to need you to be really patient with me while you rebuild all the trust you've broken he nods in agreement he has to know that i'm giving him much more than he deserves absolutely he says this is on your terms everything is on your terms okay while's hands come together again and he begins to chew nervously on his bottom lip i sense he has more to say but he's doubting whether or not he should say it go ahead and say whatever you're thinking while i'm in the mood to talk about it he tilts his head back and looks up at the ceiling whatever it is it's hard for him i don't know if it's because the question is hard to ask for because he's scared of the answer i might give him what about us he whispers i lean my head back and sigh i knew this question would come but it's really difficult to give him an answer i don't have divorce or reconciliation are really the only two options we have but neither is a choice i want to make i don't want to give you false hope while i say quietly if i had to make a choice today i'd probably choose divorce but in all honesty i don't know if i would be making that choice because i'm overloaded with pregnancy hormones or because it's what i really want i don't think it would be fair to either of us if i made that decision before the birth of this baby he blows out a shaky breath and then brings a hand up to the back of his neck squeezing tightly then he stands up and faces me thank you he says for inviting me over for the conversation i've been wanting to stop by since i was here a couple of weeks ago but i didn't know how you'd feel about it i don't know how i would have felt about it either i say with complete honesty i tried to push myself out of the rocking chair but for some reason it's become a lot harder in the past week while walks over and reaches for my hand to help me up i don't know how i'm supposed to last until my due date when i can't even get out of a chair without grunting once i'm standing he doesn't immediately release my hand we're just a few inches apart and i know if i look up at him i'll feel things i don't want to feel things for him he finds my other hand until he's holding both of them down at my sides he threads his fingers through mine and i feel it all the way to my heart i press my forehead against his chest and close my eyes his cheek meets the top of my head and we stand completely still both of us too scared to move i'm scared to move because i might be too weak to stop him from kissing me he's scared to move because he's afraid if he does i'll pull away for what feels like five full minutes neither of us moves a muscle while i finally say can you promise me something i feel him nod until this baby comes please don't try to talk me into forgiving you and please don't try to kiss me i pull away from his chest and look up at him i want to tackle one huge thing at a time and right now my only priority is having this baby i don't want to add any more stress or confusion on top of everything that's already happening he squeezes both of my hands reassuringly one monumental life changing thing at a time got it i smile relieved that we finally had this conversation i know i didn't make a final decision about the two of us but i still feel like i can breathe easier now that we're on the same page he releases my hands i'm late for my shift he says tossing a thumb over his shoulder i should get to work i nod and see him out it isn't until after i've shut the door and i'm alone in my apartment that i realize i have a smile on my face i'm still incredibly angry with him that we're even in this predicament to begin with so my smile is simply due to making a little headway sometimes parents have to work through their differences and bring a level of maturity into a situation in order to do what's best for their child that's exactly what we're doing learning how to navigate our situation before our child is brought into the fold chapter 35 i smell toast i stretch out on my bed and smile because while nose toast is my favorite i lie here for a while before i even attempt to get up it feels like it takes the effort of three men to roll me out of bed i eventually take a deep breath and then throw my feet over the side pushing myself up from the mattress the first thing i do is pee it's really all i do now i'm due in two days and my doctor says it could be another week i started maternity leave last week so this is my life right now i pee and watch tv when i make it to the kitchen while is stirring a pan of scrambled eggs he spins around when he hears me walking good morning he says no baby yet i shake my head and put my hand on my stomach no but i peed nine times last night wild laughs that's a new record he spoons some eggs onto a plate and then toss his bacon and toast on it he turns around and hands me the plate pressing a quick kiss to the side of my head i gotta go i'm already late i'm leaving my phone on all day i smile when i look down at my breakfast ok so i eat too pee eat and watch tv thank you i say cheerfully i take my plate to the couch and turn on the tv raul rushes around the living room gathering his stuff i'll come check on you at lunch i might be working late tonight but alyssa said she can bring you dinner i roll my eyes i'm fine while the doctor said light bed rest not complete debilitation he starts to open the door but pauses like he forgets something he runs back toward me and leans down planting his lips on my stomach i'll double your allowance if you decide to come out today he says to the baby he talks to the baby at lot i finally felt comfortable enough to let him feel the baby kick a couple of weeks ago and since then he stops by sometimes just to talk to my belly and doesn't even say much to me i like it though i like how excited he is to be a father i grabbed the blanket while slept on the couch with last night and wrap it over me he's been staying here for a week now waiting for me to go into labor i wasn't sure about the arrangement at first but it's actually been really helpful i still sleep in the guest bedroom the third bedroom is now a nursery which means the master bedroom is available for him to sleep in but for whatever reason he chooses to sleep on the couch i think the memories in that bedroom plague him just as much as they plagued me so neither of us even bothers going in there the last several weeks have been really good aside from the fact that there's absolutely no physical relationship between us at this point things feel like they've kind of gone back to how they used to be he still works a lot but on the evenings he's off i've started having dinner upstairs with all of them we never eat alone as a couple though anything that might feel like a date or a couple's thing i avoid i'm still trying to focus on one monumental thing at a time and until this baby is born and my hormones are back to normal i refuse to make a decision about my marriage i'm sure i'm just using the pregnancy as an excuse to stall the inevitable but being pregnant allows a person to be a little selfish my phone begins to ring and i drop my head into the couch and groan my phone is all the way in the kitchen that's like 15 feet from here ah i push myself off the couch but nothing happens i try it again still sitting i grab hold of the arm of my chair and pull myself up third time's the charm when i stand my glass of water spills all over me i groan but then i gasp i wasn't holding a glass of water holy i look down and water is trickling down my leg my phone is still ringing on the kitchen counter i walk or waddle to the kitchen and answer it hello hey it's lucy quick question our order of red roses was damaged in shipment but we've got the levenberg funeral today and they specifically wanted red roses for the casket spray do we have a backup plan yeah call the florist on broadway they owe me a favor okay thanks i start to hang up so i can call ryle and tell him my water broke but i hear lucy say wait i pull the phone back to my ear about these invoices did you want me to pay them today or wait you can wait it's fine again i start to hang up but she yells my name and starts firing off another question lucy i say calmly interrupting her i'll have to call you about all this tomorrow i think my water just broke there's a pause oh oh go i hang up right when the first sign of pain shoots through my stomach i wince and start dialing rile's number he picks up on the first ring do i need to turn around yes oh god really it's happening yes lily he says excited and then the phone goes dead i spend the next few minutes gathering everything i'll need i already have a hospital bag but i feel kind of gross so i jump in the shower to rinse off the second burst of pain comes about 10 minutes after the first i bend forward and clench my stomach letting the water beat down on my back right when i near the end of the contraction i hear the bathroom door swing open you're in the shower while says lily get out of the shower let's go hand me a towel rile's hand appears around the shower curtain a few seconds later i tried to fit the towel around me before pulling the shower curtain aside it's odd hiding your body from your own husband the towel doesn't fit it covers up my boobs but then opens like an upside down v over my stomach contraction hits as i'm stepping out of the shower while grabs my hand and helps me breathe through it then walks me into the bedroom i'm calmly picking out clean clothes to wear to the hospital when i glance over at him he's staring at my stomach there's a look on his face i can't decipher his eyes meet mine and i pause what i'm doing there's a moment that passes between us where i can't tell if he's about to frown or smile his face twists into both somehow and he blows out a quick breath dropping his eyes back to my stomach you're beautiful he whispers a pen shoots through my chest that has nothing to do with the contractions i realize this is the first time he's seen my best stomach it's the first time he's witnessed what i look like with his baby growing inside of me i walk over to him and take his hand i place it on my stomach and hold it there he smiles at me brushing his thumb back and forth it's a beautiful moment one of our better moments thank you lily it's written all over him the way he's touching my stomach the way his eyes are looking back at mine he's not thanking me for this moment or any moment that came before this one he's thanking me for all the moments i'm allowing him to have with his child i groan leaning forward hell the moment is over while grabs my clothes and helps me into them he picks up all the things i tell him to carry and then we make our way to the elevator slowly i have a contraction when we're halfway there you should call alyssa i tell him when we pull out of the parking garage i'm driving i'll call her when we get to the hospital and your mom i nod i'm sure i could call them right now but i kind of just want to make sure we make it to the hospital first because it feels like this baby is being really impatient and wants to make its debut right here in the car we make it to the hospital but my contractions are less than a minute apart when we arrive by the time the doctor scrubs in and they get me to a bed i'm dilated to a nine it's only five minutes later when i'm being told to push rile doesn't even have a chance to call anyone it all happens so fast i squeeze ryle's hand with every push at one point i think about how important the hand i'm squeezing is to his career but he says nothing he just allows me to squeeze it as hard as i possibly can and that's exactly what i do the head is almost out the doctor says just a few more pushes i can't even describe the next few minutes it's a blur of pain and heavy breathing and anxiety and pure unequivocal elation and pressure such an enormous pressure like i'm about to implode and then it's a girl rile says lily we have a daughter i open my eyes and the doctor is holding her up i can only make out the outline of her because my eyes are full of too many tears when they lay how on my chest it's the absolute greatest moment of my life i immediately touch her red lips and cheeks and fingers wild cuts the umbilical cord and when they take her from me to clean her up i feel empty a few minutes later she's back on my chest again swaddled in a blanket i can do nothing but stare at her while sits on the bed next to me and pulls the blanket down around her chin so we can get a better look at her face we count her fingers and her toes she tries to open her eyes and we think it's the funniest thing in the world she owns and we both smile and fall even more in love with her after the last nurse leaves the room and we're finally alone while asks if he can hold her he raises the head of my bed to make it easier for both of us to sit on the bed after i hand her to him i lay my head on his shoulder and we just can't stop staring at her lily he whispers naked truth i not she's so much prettier than marshall and alyssa's baby i laugh and elbow him i'm kidding he whispers i know exactly what he means though riley is a gorgeous baby but no one will ever hold a candle to our own daughter what should we name her he asks we didn't have the typical relationship during this pregnancy so the baby's name hasn't been something we've discussed yet i'd like to name her after your sister i say glancing at him or maybe your brother i'm not sure what he thinks of that i personally think naming our daughter after his brother could be somewhat healing for him but he may not see it that way he glances over at me not expecting that answer emerson he says that's kind of cute for a girl name we could call her emma or emmy he smiles proudly and looks down at her it's perfect actually he leans down and kisses emerson on her forehead after a while i pull away from his shoulder so i can watch him hold her it's a beautiful thing seeing him interact with her like this i can already see how much love he has for her just from the little time he's known her i can see that he would do anything to protect her anything in the world it isn't until this moment that i finally make a decision about him about us about what's best for our family well is amazing in so many ways he's compassionate he's caring he's smart he's charismatic he's driven my father was some of these things too he wasn't very compassionate toward others but there were times we spent together that i knew he loved me he was smart he was charismatic he was driven but i hated him so much more than i loved him i was blinded to all the best things about him thanks to all the glimpses i got of him when he was at his worst five minutes of witnessing him at his worst couldn't make up for even five years of him at his best i look at emerson and i look at ryle and i know that i have to do what's best for her for the relationship i hope she builds with her father i don't make this decision for me and i don't make it for ryle i make it for her well when he glances at me he's smiling but when he assesses the look on my face he stops i want to divorce he blinks twice my words hit him like voltage he winces and looks back down at our daughter his shoulders hunched forward lily he says shaking his head back and forth please don't do this his voice is pleading and i hate that he's been holding on to hope that i would eventually take him back that's partly my fault i know but i don't think i realized what choice i was going to make until i held my daughter for the first time just one more chance lily please his voice cracks with tears when he speaks i know i'm hurting him at the worst possible time i'm breaking his heart when this should be the best moment of his life but i know if i don't do it in this moment i might never be able to convince him of why i can't risk taking him back i begin to cry because this is hurting me as much as it's hurting him while i say gently what would you do if one of these days this little girl looked up at you and she said daddy my boyfriend hit me what would you say to her well he pulls emerson to his chest and buries his face against the top of her blanket stop lily he begs i push myself up straighter on the bed i place my hand on emerson's back and try to get wild to look me in the eyes what if she came to you and said daddy my husband pushed me down the stairs he said it was an accident what should i do his shoulders begin to shake and for the first time since the day i met him he has tears real tears that rush down his cheeks as he holds his daughter tightly against him i'm crying too but i keep going for her sake what if my voice breaks what if she came to you and said my husband tried to rape me daddy he held me down while i begged him to stop but he swears he'll never do it again what should i do daddy he's kissing her forehead over and over tears spilling down his face what would you say to her ryle tell me i need to know what you would say to our daughter if the man she loves with all her heart ever hurts her a sob breaks from his chest he leans toward me and wraps an arm around me i would beg her to leave him he says through his tears his lips press desperately against my forehead and i can feel some of his tears as they fall onto my cheeks he moves his mouth to my ear and cradles both of us against him i would tell her that she is worth so much more and i would beg her not to go back no matter how much he loves her she's worth so much more we become a sobbing mess of tears and broken hearts and shattered dreams we hold each other we hold our daughter and as hard as this choices we break the pattern before the pattern breaks us he hands her back to me and wipes his eyes he stands up still crying still trying to catch his breath in the last 15 minutes he lost the love of his life in the last 15 minutes he became a father to a beautiful little girl that's what 15 minutes can do to a person it can destroy them it can save them he points toward the hallway letting me know he needs to go gather himself he's sadder than i've ever seen him as he walks toward the door but i know he'll thank me for this one day i know the day will come when he'll understand that i made the right choice by his daughter when the door closes behind him i look down at her i know i'm not giving her the life i dreamed for her a home where she lives with both parents who can love her and raise her together but i don't want her to live like i lived i don't want her to see her father at his worst i don't want her to see him when he loses his temper with me to the point that she no longer recognizes him as her father because no matter how many good moments she might share with ryle throughout her lifetime i know from experience that it would only be the worst ones that stuck with her cycles exist because they are excruciating to break it takes an astronomical amount of pain and courage to disrupt a familiar pattern sometimes it seems easier to just keep running in the same familiar circles rather than facing the fear of jumping and possibly not landing on your feet my mother went through it i went through it i'll be damned if i allow my daughter to go through it i kiss her on the forehead and make her a promise it stops here with me and you it ends with us epilogue i push through the crowds of boylston street until i get to the cross street i pull the stroller to a call and then stop at the edge of the curb i pull the top of it back and look down at emmy she's kicking her feet and smiling like usual she's a very happy baby she has a calm energy about her and it's addictive how old is she a woman asks she's standing at the crosswalk with us staring down at emerson appreciatively eleven months she's gorgeous she says licks just like you identical mouths i smile thank you but you should see her father she definitely has his the sign flashes to walk and i try to beat the crowd as we rush across the street i'm already half an hour late and rile has texted me twice he hasn't experienced the joy of carrots yet though he'll find out today just how messy they are because i packed plenty in her bag i moved out of the apartment while bought when emerson was three months old i got my own place closer to my work so i'm within walking distance which is great while moved back into the apartment he bought but between visiting alyssa's place and ryle's days with emerson i feel like i'm still at their apartment building almost as much as i'm at mine almost there emmy we make a right around the corner and i'm in such a rush a man has to step out of our way and into the wall just to avoid being played over sorry i mutter ducking my head and making my way around him lily i stop i turn slowly because i felt that voice all the way to my toes there are only two voices that have ever done that to me and riles doesn't reach that far anymore when i look back at him his blue eyes are squinting against the sun he lifts a hand to shield it and he grins hey hi i say my friends had brain trying to slow down and allow me to play catch-up he glances at the stroller and points at it is that is this your baby i nod and he walks around to the front of the stroller he kneels down and smiles widely at her wow she's gorgeous lily he says what's her name emerson we call her emmy sometimes he puts his finger in her hand and she starts kicking shaking his finger back and forth he stares at her appreciatively for a moment and then stands back up again you look great he says i try not to give him an obvious once over but it's hard he looks as good as ever but this is the first time seeing him that i'm not trying to deny how gorgeous he turned out to be a far cry from that homeless boy in my bedroom yet somehow still exactly the same i can feel the buzz of my text message going off in my pocket again well i point down the street we're really late i say wow has been waiting for half an hour when i say rile's name there's a sadness that reaches atlas's eyes but he tries to disguise it he nods and slowly steps aside for us to pass it's his day to have her i clarify saying more in those six words than i could in most full conversations i see the relief flash in his eyes he nods and points behind him yeah i'm running late too opened a new restaurant on boylston last month wow congratulations i'll have to take mom there to check it out soon he smiles you should let me know and i'll make sure and cook for you myself there's an awkward pause and then i point down the street we have to go he says with a smile i nod again and then duck my head and continue walking i have no idea why i'm reacting this way like i don't know how to hold a normal conversation when i'm several yards away i glance back over my shoulder he hasn't moved he's still watching me as i walk away we round the corner and i see ryle waiting beside his car outside the floral shop his face lights up when he sees us approaching did you get my email he kneels down and begins to unstrap emerson yeah about the playpen recall he nods as he pulls her out of the stroller didn't we buy one of those for her i pressed the buttons to fold the stroller and then walk it to the back of his car yeah but it broke like a month ago i threw it in the dumpster he pops the trunk and then touches emerson's chin with his fingers did you hear that emmy your mommy saved your life she smiles up at him and slaps playfully at his hand he kisses her on the forehead and then picks up her stroller and tosses it in the trunk i slam the trunk shut and lean over to give her a quick kiss love you emmy see you tonight while opens the back door to put her in the car seat i tell him goodbye and then i start to head back down the street in a rush lily he yells where are you going i'm sure he expected me to walk to the front door of my store since i'm already late opening it i probably should but the nagging in my gut won't go away i need to do something about it i spin around and walk backward there's something i forgot to do i'll see you when i pick her up tonight while lifts emerson's hand and they wave goodbye to me as soon as i round the corner i break out into a sprint i dodge people bump into a few and cause one lady to curse at me but it's all worth it the moment i see the back of his head atlas i yell he's heading in the other direction so i keep pushing through the crowd atlas he stops walking but he doesn't turn around he his head like he doesn't want to fully trust his ears atlas i yell again this time when he turns he turns with purpose his eyes meet mine and there's a three second pause while we both stare at each other but then we both start walking toward each other determination in every step 20 steps separate us ten five one neither of us takes that final step i'm out of breath panting and nervous i forgot to tell you emerson's middle name i put my hands on my hips and exhale it's dory he doesn't immediately react but then his eyes crinkle a little in the corners his mouth twitches like his forcing back a smile what a perfect name for her i nod and smile and then stop i'm not sure what to do now i just needed him to know that but now that i've told him i didn't really think of what i do or say next i nod again and then glance around me throwing a thumb over my shoulder well i guess i'll atlas steps forward grabs me and pulls me hard against his chest i immediately close my eyes when he wraps his arms around me his hand goes up to the back of my head and he holds me still against him as we stand surrounded by busy streets blasts of horns people brushing us as they pass in a hurry he presses a gentle kiss into my hair and all of that fades away lily he says quietly i feel like my life is good enough for you now so whenever you're ready i clench his jacket in my hands and keep my face pressed tight against his chest i suddenly feel like i'm fifteen again my neck and cheeks flush from his words but i'm not fifteen i'm an adult with responsibilities and a child i can't just allow my teenage feelings to take over not without a little reassurance at least i pull back and look up at him do you donate to charity atlas laughs with confusion several why do you want kids someday he nods of course i do do you think you'll ever want to leave boston he shakes his head no never everything is better here remember his answers give me the reassurance i need i smile up at him okay i'm ready he pulls me tight against him and i laugh with everything that has happened since the day he came into my life i never expected this outcome i've hoped for it a lot but until now i wasn't sure if it would ever happen i close my eyes when i feel his lips meet the spot on my collarbone he presses a gentle kiss there and it feels just like the first time he kissed me there all those years ago he brings his mouth to my ear and in a whisper he says you can stop swimming now lily we finally reached the shore night from the author it is recommended this section be read after reading the book as it contains spoilers my earliest memory in life was from the age of two and a half years old my bedroom didn't have a door and was covered by a sheet nailed to the top of the door frame i remember hearing my father yelling so i peeked out from the other side of the sheet just as my father picked up our television and threw it at my mother knocking her down she divorced him before i turned three every memory beyond that of my father was a good one he never once lost his temper with me or my sisters despite having done so on numerous occasions with my mother i knew their marriage was an abusive one but my mother never talked about it to discuss it would have meant she was talking ill of my father and that's something she never once did she wanted the relationship i had with him to be free of any strain that stood between the two of them because of this i have the utmost respect for parents who don't involve their children in the dissolution of their relationships i asked my father about the abuse once he was very candid about their relationship he was an alcoholic during the years he was married to my mother and he was the first to admit he didn't treat her well in fact he told me he had two knuckles replaced in his hand because he had hit her so hard they broke against her skull my father regretted the way he treated my mother his entire life mistreating her was the worst mistake he had ever made and he said he would grow old and die still madly in love with her i feel that was a very light punishment for what she endured when i decided i wanted to write this story i first asked my mother for permission i told her i wanted to write it for women like her i also wanted to write it for all the people who didn't quite understand women like her i was one of those people the mother i know is not weak she was not someone i could envision for giving a man for mistreating her on multiple occasions but while writing this book and getting into the mindset of lily i quickly realized that it's not as black and white as it seems from the outside on more than one occasion while writing this i wanted to change the plot line i didn't want rile to be who he was going to be because i had fallen in love with him in those first several chapters just as lily had fallen in love with him just as my mother fell in love with my father the first incident between ryle and lily in the kitchen is what happened the first time my father ever hit my mother she was cooking a casserole and he had been drinking he pulled the casserole out of the oven without using a pot holder she thought it was funny and she laughed the next thing she knew he had hit her so hard she flew across the kitchen floor she chased to forgive him for that one incident because his apology and regret were believable or at least believable enough that giving him a second chance hurt less than leaving with a broken heart would have over time the incidents that followed was similar to the first my father would repeatedly show remorse and promise to never do it again it finally got to a point where she knew his promises were empty that she was a mother of two daughters by then and had no money to leave and unlike lily my mother didn't have a lot of support there were no local women's shelters there was very little government support back then to leave meant risking not having a roof over our heads but to her it was better than the alternative my father passed away several years ago when i was 25 years old he wasn't the best father he certainly wasn't the best husband but thanks to my mother i was able to have a very close relationship with him because she took the necessary steps to break the pattern before it broke us and it wasn't easy she left him right before i turned three and my older sister turned five we lived off beans and macaroni and cheese for two solid years she was a single mother without a college education raising two daughters on her own with virtually no help but her love for us gave her the strength she needed to take that terrifying step by no means do i intend for ryle and lilly's situation to define domestic abuse nor do i intend for ryle's character to define the characteristics of most abusers every situation is different every outcome is different i chose to fashion lily and ryle's story after my mother and fathers i fashioned while after my father in many ways they are handsome compassionate funny and smart but with moments of unforgivable behavior i fashioned lilly after my mother in many ways they are both caring intelligent strong women who simply fell in love with men who didn't deserve to fall in love at all two years after divorcing my father my mother met my stepfather he was the epitome of a good husband the memories i have of them growing up set the bar for the type of marriage i wanted for myself when i finally did reach the point of marriage the hardest thing i ever had to do was tell my biological father that he wouldn't be walking me down the aisle that i was going to ask my stepfather i felt i had to do this for many reasons my stepfather stepped up as a husband in ways my father never did my stepfather stepped up financially in ways my father never did and my stepfather raised us as if we were his own while never once denying us a relationship with my biological father i remember sitting down in my father's living room a month before my wedding i told him i loved him but that i was going to be asking my stepfather to walk me down the aisle i was prepared for his response with every rebuttal i could think of but the response he gave me was nothing i expected he nodded his head and said colleen he raised you he deserves to give you away at your wedding and you shouldn't feel guilty about it because it's the right thing to do i knew my decision absolutely gutted my father but he was selfless enough as a father to not only respect my decision but he wanted me to respect it too my father sat in the audience at my wedding and watched another man walk me down the aisle i knew people were wondering why i didn't just have both of them walk me down the aisle but looking back on it i realized i made the choice out of respect for my mother who i chased to walk me down the owl wasn't really about my father and it wasn't even really about my stepfather it was about her i wanted the man who treated her how she deserved to be treated to be given the honor of giving away her daughter in the past i've always said i write for entertainment purposes only i don't write to educate persuade or inform this book is different this was not entertainment for me it was the most grueling thing i have ever written at times i wanted to hit the delete button and take back the way roll had treated lily i wanted to rewrite the scenes where she forgave him and i wanted to replace those scenes with a more resilient woman a character who made all the right decisions at all the right times but those weren't the characters i was writing that wasn't the story i was telling i wanted to write something realistic to the situation my mother was in a situation a lot of women find themselves in i wanted to explore the love between lily and ryle so that i would feel what my mother felt when she had to make the decision to leave my father a man she loved with all her heart i sometimes wonder how different my life would have been if my mother had not made the choice she did she left someone she loved so that her daughters would never think that kind of relationship was okay she wasn't rescued by another man a knight in shining armor she took the initiative to leave my father on her own knowing she was about to embark on a completely different kind of struggle with added stress as a single mother it was important to me that lily's character embodied this same empowerment lily made the ultimate decision to leave well for the sake of their daughter even though there was a slight possibility that while could have eventually changed for the better some risks are never worth taking especially when those risks have failed you in the past before i wrote this book i had a lot of respect for my mother now that i finished it and was able to explore a tiny fraction of the pain and struggle she went through to get to where she is today i only have one thing to say to her i want to be you when i grow up the end you