Have you ever known someone that seemed... Totally genuine. Your conversations were engaging, and you agreed on so much.
But then it happened. While claiming to have your back, they violated your trust, and you learned that much of your relationship was a lie. Making matters worse, maybe even blamed yourself, wondering what you did wrong.
Now if this sounds familiar, then you and I have something in common. We've both been manipulated. And I bet those who don't think they've been manipulated probably don't realize it yet.
In fact, as we speak, it is likely that someone, somewhere, is planning to manipulate you. And because it happens to everyone, it's not only more common than we think, but it shows how little we know about how to prepare ourselves for it. As a professor who studied manipulation for more than two decades, I think we need to fix that.
It's unacceptable to me that the science of manipulation has done little to help those being manipulated. We have failed you as a science. So I want to talk about how to recognize different types of manipulative people and what to do when you find yourself face-to-face with them.
We can learn to turn the tables on these manipulative types by using their strategic thinking against them. With romance schemes, catfishing, investment fraud, and workplace manipulation all around us, the study of manipulation has never been more important. But the study of manipulative people has a fragmented history.
There were forensic researchers studying psychopathy. There were clinical researchers studying narcissism. And there were behavioral researchers studying Machiavellianism. Now, you've probably heard the term psychopath or sociopath.
You've almost certainly heard the term narcissist before. Maybe even used it to describe an ex. But many don't know what we mean by Machiavellianism, the masters of manipulation.
And you know, a lot of people don't even pronounce it right. Niccolo Machiavelli was a political advisor who advocated for ruthless and duplicitous tactics. And those who agreed with Machiavelli's philosophy tended to be manipulative in their personal lives. Machiavellianism represents a cautious and rational way of gaining power.
They manipulate, but they do so strategically, which makes them exceptionally dangerous. And there are no warnings or obvious signs. Individuals high in Machiavellianism seek power any way they can get it, and they're in it for the long run.
When referring to all three traits, psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism, Researchers simply call them the Dark Triad. In 2002, my mentor, Del Paulus, and his student, Kevin Williams, wanted to draw researchers'attention to the fact that we were studying these traits in isolation, and the three literatures needed to merge. By the time that 2022 ended, the original Dark Triad paper had been cited over 6,000 times, and its presence has forever changed the conversation on manipulation.
But despite more than 20 years of rapid growth, I was sad on its 20th anniversary. Sad because after all the time knowing the harm they caused, virtually no research had been done on how to protect us from them. Many people consider psychopathy to be the most dangerous of the dark triad traits. I disagree.
Perhaps in a dark alley or in a moment one-on-one, that may be true. But psychopaths lack the strategic planning necessary to maintain power for any length of time. So while a narcissist will charm you and a psychopath will mug you, a Machiavellian will invade you. And they're not doing it to look good, so they won't stumble on their egos.
They're not doing it for thrills, so they won't act on impulse. A well-prepared Machiavellian is like the lion you don't see. And they've been planning their attack longer than you realize. Now I've been studying all three dark triad traits for most of my career, but I've spent most of my time studying Machiavellianism.
Now I say trait because it's important to understand these people will not change. To date there are no effective interventions getting these people to care about others. Making matters worse, Machiavellianism is a sneaky trait in every respect possible. Yes, they're sneaky in how they deal with people, but they're also sneaky in that they predict harm less consistently than psychopathy.
In fact, virtually any harmful outcome predicted by Machiavellianism is likely to be predicted even more eagerly by a psychopath. So some have called into question whether we need to study Machiavellianism, or will it forever play second fiddle to the better predictor of psychopathy? Well, through a series of experiments, my colleagues and I have shown it is when Machiavellians act, not what they'll do, that differentiates them from psychopathy.
Psychopaths are impulsive and driven by immediate gratification. They simply act and do not think twice about it. Narcissists are driven by their egos. And whether it's a good idea or not, they'll claim a sense of superiority to the death. But individuals high in Machiavellianism?
weigh the pros and cons of a given action, and take the path that benefits them the most. So, if Machiavellianism consists of all the strategic manipulation, is there an upside to the trait? Because they do adapt well to their environment. As it turns out, yes. My colleagues and I have been studying how individuals high in Machiavellianism deal with it when they personally have a leader or a co-worker who is manipulative.
And when we studied which of the dark triad traits did best under this destructive leadership, it was indeed Machiavellianism. Under destructive leaders, individuals high in Machiavellianism actually had better mental health outcomes and were promoted at a higher rate than all other types of people. So I have begun re-examining the Machiavellian character, trying to determine if we can harness the non-toxic elements of this trait to help otherwise good-hearted people when they must face manipulation. And in a way, what I propose is nothing new.
The art of war, 48 laws to power, and many books like those advocate turning to deceptive strategies to fight the good fight. But as they say, the devil's in the details. And while it is important to learn how to defend ourselves the best way possible, it is equally important to learn how to do this without slipping into becoming manipulative ourselves.
For example, individuals high in Machiavellianism are emotionally guarded and treat people based on their utility. They think rationally about their payouts and focus on their bottom line. So can we apply this to toxic others? Let's say you have a manipulative boss, but you're stuck. You can't leave.
And you can't avoid interpersonal contact. I'm training people to think, okay, this is a chess match. They have a lot of utility for me financially, but are harmful emotionally.
I'm going to focus on external gains here and plan my next move. I will be responsive, not reactive. Because if I'm reactive, emotionally or otherwise, Then I'm playing right into their game, and that's a place I do not want to be. In fact, if the best way to breathe for a dying person is CPR, then the best way to breathe in a toxic relationship is CBR.
That stands for cold. Bottom line, rational. Let's start with cold. That means emotionally guarded.
Their biggest weapon is your emotions. And they'll try to tap them using things like guilt or charm. So don't give them access.
Treat the person like a paycheck, not a pal. My friend once dealt with an abusive supervisor by imagining money pouring into his bank account every moment he was with that supervisor. Another friend told me she imagined her boss was literally a walking checkbook.
Okay. Next, bottom line. Decide what your bottom line is and pursue it. Are you there to support your family? Then remind yourself of this bottom line every chance you get and craft your responses in a way that maximizes the outcome for your family.
And don't fight emotional battles. Win the financial war. Finally, rational.
Make those battles about outcomes, not appearances. No manipulative person has ever fallen to their knees and confessed, you're right, it's all true, I'm a horrible person. So keep realistic goals in mind.
A battle over what you see as a matter of principle will get you nowhere because they have no principles. Now, I want to caution everyone that this tactic has no place in healthy relationships. And healthy relationships are the goal. Mutual respect and empathy are where we want to be in all our social interactions.
Some simply don't play by these rules. And you will encounter one or more of a dark triad person at some point in your life. So these tactics are only reserved for when you're dealing with a manipulative person, and as a last resort. If a leader or coworker is being manipulative at work, then report them to human resources and leave if you can.
But if you are stuck, training you to think like a Machiavellian and breathe using the CBR method might be a reasonable solution to get through it until you can get away. Now, I'm hoping that we understand a little bit more about the Machiavellian character, along with the other D'Artrid traits. We're at least prepared and aware of what we may face. And by studying Machiavellianism more deeply, We can recognize strategic manipulation when it occurs. Even better, maybe we can manipulate the manipulator and give them a taste of their own medicine by using strategic behavior that harnesses hold, bottom line, and rational thinking when it is necessary.
So now we've all taken our first steps towards dealing with manipulation. Although I can't promise you'll handle every situation perfectly, At least, at least, you're prepared to recognize manipulation when it occurs and have some tools that will help you deal with it. And it's my hope that in the next 20 years of dark triad research, we won't just be talking about these traits, but how to deal with them in realistic ways. That way, when you find yourself face-to-face with a manipulator, you can breathe using the CBR method to get through it until you can get away.
And what we share won't be the manipulation. It'll be the knowledge of how to handle it. Thank you.