Here I Am the sexologist and my partner would just roll over and not be interested and then I'd roll over the other side and cry one of my main questions I asked myself is what is erotically possible I started noticing these patterns show up that's where the erotic blueprints came from there are five types and the first one's an energetic number two is essensual one of the orgasmic superpowers of the shape shifter is wa this is by the way blowing my mind so please everyone stop faking it we want those orgasmic explosions 5 minutes of oral sex every day for 90 days straight both sides doing it yeah both sides doing it I find the Central and the kinky work really really well together most people think that oh if I have the same type that's going to be the best and it isn't necessarily the best it is G renowned sexologist bestselling author Pioneer helping folks uh in the bedroom and elsewhere it's that M I was like yeah people really worry am I broken am I weird are my genitals okay we're all wired differently in the bedroom there's nothing wrong with you people would come up wow this just completely changed my life everything everything makes sense now sex is a tool for our own self-realization we've only touched the tip of the iceberg as to what's possible erotically the number one thing when it comes to These Blueprints is what's the number one reason women are actually having such bad sex right now I think one of the biggest reasons is because we have a lack of comprehensive actually accurate sex education we've only touched the surface like the tip of the iceberg as to what's possible erotically especially with our bodies and then we have a whole layer of Shame on top of it so we can't talk about it if I admit something's not right that's not okay like how do I even where do I even go for this education to empower myself erotically I don't think sex is just something that happens in our brains although you know our bspot is very powerful our brain is very powerful in terms of visualization in terms of fantasy however getting into your body and understanding what your body is actually turned on by is a big piece of it and so that's where the erotic blueprints came from so there are five types and the first one's an energetic and that's someone who's turned on by space tease anticipation longing yearning and the superpower of the energetic is that they can have orgasms without even being touched they can go into expanded States Of Consciousness they can go into multi-dimensional sex and this is we can sometimes get really far out with what happens within the energetic realm I love the energetic um but the shadow side of the energetic is often because they're so sensitive and attuned that they can short circuit really easily and so if you go too much too quick you collapse space too too much for them then they're going to dissociate they're going to shut down and then they think they're weird or wrong or something's broken in me that they start to build up armor instead of really speaking up and saying no I like let's stop let's pause something just happened wait a minute they will override their bodies continually and then that starts to create this like oh every time I go to have sex now I'm starting to just dissociate in order to take it and so the Shadows are like the breakes and even though we may be doing all the turn on things if you got the brake on on the car your car is not going to go anywhere you're just going to rev the engine and not have any orgasmic explosions happening so we want those orgasmic explosions and so we want to take the foot off of the break and so looking at the shadow side is where we go okay where do we need to heal within our sexuality or work with those Shadows bring them to the light bring them into consciousness stop the patterns that are there so that we can actually now accelerate and so going down a little deeper on the energetics we're going to go through every single one of these um but going a little deeper on the energetic then how do you start to identify that you are potentially an energetic there are a couple of different ways which we can identify an erotic blueprint one is that we can see what's happening in the body and how the body is turned on the other is from what our mind is saying so we want to look at both things not just one aspect of it so I like to do a lot of different games to determine how you can see you know like how is my body responding what's happening in my mind during this and we can start to pay attention and so really it is paying attention and I think the energetic blueprint however is the one where it's like we don't know much about it and we don't expect like somebody's turned on by not being touched in the bedroom you know so like that aspect of okay wait a minute this is where my turn on is and feeling it and noticing that well when somebody's actually farther away from me I feel more that starts to give you a clue that you could be an energetic but when somebody's coming in too much that you're not feeling as much turn on or you know doing all the sex tips and techniques you're not feeling the turn on in those standard narrative sexual techniques then that may be a clue oh maybe I'm an energetic because I feel more in the anticipation before the kiss than the actual kiss oh okay so is that one of the signs yes so it's the things that happen before for the actual act itself yes so how do you then I've got so many questions so how do you do you advise that people do this if you're with a partner or what if you're not with a partner like I would assume that it' be better to identify what type of uh blueprint you have before you get into a sexual relationship yeah so how do you navigate those absolutely so I think sex is something that isn't just about having a partner and we get so tripped up and like oh sex is this thing I do with a partner no sex is something that you're doing with you sex is a relationship with your own aliveness with your own life force with life itself and I really like to parse out eroticism which is why I called it the erotic blueprints versus sex because I think that eroticism is life and it is this juice it is this aliveness the tantrika has called it Shakti energy and so when we have that Vitality that's happening it's shifting our biochemistry in our body even you know our our sex hormones are our youth hormones so it gives us this Radiance to have that aliveness intact and that sexual energy flowing through our bodies so how do you identify with the energetic then MH if you're single how would you know because if you're not then becoming intimate with the person yet how would you identify that one thing people can do just everybody who's listening or watching to hover your hand over your arm and notice what do you feel and to breathe talk and just notice what happens with your breath can you feel the heat from your hand do you feel any electricity what's happening are you tensing your jaw you know like what starts to happen as you're just doing this hovering and then you can even go to the little hairs on your arms with your fingertip and do you get little like chills or do you notice any kind of energy activating your genitals as you're touching your body this way that could be a TuneIn that you are an energetic you can do all of these types of games in your body um alone you don't necessarily need a partner to do them and they may change when you're with a partner you know you may you may then do it with a partner and you're like oh wait a minute solo sex sex by myself I'm really energetic or I I think a lot of people self-pleasure in the sexual blueprint because that's what we're taught you know we're taught like okay when you're with yourself you're going to use the vibrator you're going to use a toy you're going to use your hands but we just did self-pleasure yeah we did go um okay so let's go down to the number two in your blueprint number two is the sensual and the sensual is someone who's turned on by all of their senses being ignited so this is a very sensual space we have these fluffy pillows different textures here within the space and that's the sight the sound The Taste the touch the way a space looks and even just talking about it you know when we start to think of sensual we think of contouring touch on the body we think of massage we think of slow dance ing hot baths the candles lit you were telling me a story before we got on set about a time when you were doing all of the central kind of like setup and so like that was very Central you lit the candles you had the space all like in dim light that is very quintessential sexual and then the end of the story is my husband came in and he's like what the hell with these candles put on the flood lights right which is another blueprint which we'll get to but and very interesting cuz I I have a similar story where I did something in the other blueprint And my partner's like why are you doing that so obvious because he wanted the sensual setup right and so it just what's fascinating to me about the blueprints is how we we assume somebody is something and we go to do that thing to please them and then we find out oh wait a minute I was approaching it all wrong because of who they are as an erotic being and then who I am I was coming from what I think I was supposed to do to turn them on or seduce them and this is my challenge with sex tips and techniqu techniques is you know and I used to be the sex tip Queen I used to write I had the books on them i' had written hundreds of them I like knew all the sex tips and none of it was working for my partner because it was one blueprint and so anyway sensual talking about I actually love that story but I just really want people to pause for a second and hear that is that you thought you figured out all the tips you thought you knew everything and here you were actually going home and not actually having sex with your partner but here I am the sexologist with all the tips texts and techniques I thought great and then my I'd come to bed and I'd do the things and my partner would just roll over and not be interested and then I'd roll over the other side and cry because I'm like I'm a sexologist I'm supposed to have this all figured out like if this is happening then something's really wrong yeah and how many women feel that shame and they're not sexologist right where they they feel like oh my God is there's something broken in me why can't I turn my my partner not attracted to me anymore y that was definitely going on in my head it would start to roll all these thoughts and i' start to go on this really negative spiral and then he was losing confidence as well of oh gosh like I'm not adequate enough for her and and he would approach sex by cuddling Very sensual blueprint so he's there cuddling and I'm rolling my eyes because I'm not getting the message just total mismatch mixed wires yeah okay so with the censal what's the shadow side of it the shadow side of the central is you get caught up in your head and it's really hard to feel what's happening in your body cuz you're like oh that pillow's crooked and oh the breath isn't right and oh I wonder how things are down there and you're starting to think of also the laundry list of all the things you need to do I forgot to call that person and your your brain is going into hypervigilance and your nervous system is in that hypervigilance and so you're you're just not enjoying you're not here you're not present because you're thinking about all the other things that need to be fixed or that are calling your attention away from the present moment with your partner and the pleasure that's happening and so it's not allowing your senses to really guide you exactly yeah you you move away from your senses even though it's your superpower right yeah so um how do you start to then eliminate the the shadow side of that one of the ways that I find is really interesting is actually in another one of the blueprints is intense sensation so if you can bring an intense sensation into your body or shut off a sense like eyes is one of the big powerful ones so use a blindfold have a really intense sensation that's happening on your body it will bring you to the present moment just doing this now my awareness now goes to what's happening in my body so your mind isn't then going to the laundry list exactly genius I love it um okay so let's go to the next one the next one is sexual and the sexual someone what we turn we think about turn on in our culture so nudity penetration orgasm intercourse The Limited definition of sex however that's in the sexual is the shadow it's like okay sex equals when it's successful that there's been some kind of penetration that we've done the thing until cabam there's a climax and then everything is right in the world so a sexual needs to have sex to relax whereas a sensual likes to relax first in order to have sex so it's really interesting how those two Dynamics can really play out in a relationship and if you have those two inside of you even you know like noticing oh there's this part of me that really wants to relax or there's this part of me that wants to get to it if you have those two as uh dancing together within your blueprint map um this the positive though however of the sexual is that they can really bring the joy to sex and they have arousal that usually goes from zero to 60 it's like okay I'm ready like like when the lights go get the lights on I don't need all the things get the lingerie off let's just do the thing that is so sexual blueprint and so my partner would come in and I he he'd be he'd just come in and I'd be like Chop Chop come on let's have sex cuz you the sex I'm the sexual one and so and he was more sensual in the dynamic we were playing in at that time because we didn't have all this vocabulary at the time part of this just came out of my own like let me solve this problem of feeling like I'm really failing I'm failing as a partner I'm failing in motherhood even because I wasn't alive and juicy you know I'm failing in all these aspects I'm failing in my career because I'm not in alignment with what I'm teaching and so you know I had to figure it out and this is this is part of me figuring out was well wait a minute something is really disconnecting cuz I I think all men are sexual I think like wait a minute I'm I'm offering you sex like every day I'm touching I touch his genitals in the car and he'd look at me like woman what are you doing this is so annoying you be so annoyed how would you feel about that type of rejection then it felt you know it was really hard it was really hard it was like a a very low point in life of feeling like I couldn't succeed of feeling like I wasn't good enough and I started to question the relationship you know we had a new baby and I wanted to stay in the relationship because I loved him I loved him immensely but our sex life was not what I wanted it to be and not what he wanted it to be either we just couldn't seem to find our way and I really had one foot out the door I started to think okay this is it like I'm going to start unraveling this relationship even though we love each other and then I I flipped something in my own brain and the flip in my own brain was I'm going to commit I'm going to do the opposite and I'm going to commit 100% to this relationship for a year and I'm going to do everything humanly possible to turn this around within this year and 10 mens in we were in Bliss and there was a moment where we were in Jamaica we were out on the a pier at the end of the dock on a bed in a restaurant where they were serving us it was like this little homeown restaurant and they had this amazing Pier with a bed on it and so we're out there eating and there's a lightning storm in the ocean and just a beautiful romantic moment and I said have you noticed anything different he's like yeah and this was about 10 months into my experiment I said I have committed 100% all into this relationship and have been doing whatever it takes to make this work and that's what turned it around was I think it only takes one person sometimes you know to be willing to do what it takes to learn the skills to see what's necessary to turn your partner on and and to build that wow and that shift of you going I had one for out the door to then just committing was such a pivotal moment and I think many of us especially when it comes from rejection it feels easier to step back to keep going and then feel like you're being rejected again and again and again because that can really erode your self-esteem absolutely and you know if it's something that's super unhealthy if you know we had been in a relationship where that felt like it was unhealthy to my psychology or unhealthy then that would have been different but I have a partner who really loves me and is really willing to hear me and to hear how certain things hurt and for us to work together and I I think of a problem not as something between two people but a problem that's outside and so we together then are looking at this to see well what do we both need to do what are the things that we need to grow in in order to solve this and in that situation also I can just Envision you know you're trying to like touch his gorss in the car and because Society including myself thinks that like oh all guys want sex and they just want a woman to jump their bones and most women are like ah but it's not his birthday right and so now he must be feeling hang on I've got this dream woman who just wants to keep touching me but I'm not getting turned on so he's probably in his own head thinking there's something wrong with him because other people can only you know maybe coers their wives sadly into maybe having sex with them like once a year they feel like it's coercing um and here he is having a woman that's always coming onto him and he just can't get aroused by it yeah I think that in that there was a lack of conf confidence because there was also his business wasn't doing well at the time like there's there and we had a new baby like there was so many things going on that were Nick to his confidence and I think sometimes if you feel like you can't win which we were both in this feeling in this situation where we couldn't win um then it's hard it's just really hard to feel like turn on when you're feeling like you're a failure and especially with the messaging that men have of like being the stud in the bedroom right I mean I think that this is really a disservice that we've done to men in our world which is that there's a projection that this is the way that they're supposed to be and then they think that they're supposed to be that way otherwise they're a failure in the world and what we've seen in people taking our quiz we ask people what their gender is when we take the quiz and what we've seen is that cisgendered men are usually all of the blueprints sexual is still high in there but like it's a mix of the blueprints not just sexual yeah and so we need to stop thinking that men are so simple in their sexuality or so simple in their psychology and really see them for who they are as erotic beings yeah dude I after reading your book I actually felt badly for my husband cuz I was like you know well I would put on the sexy lingerie right and then it was like super freaking uncomfortable and you got to breathe tightly and it's the corset and the thing and the lace and everything and it's like I hate wearing this and he would come in he's like yeah just take it off and so part of me was just like what's wrong with me right you know it's like am I not turning you want and so him having to almost I felt insecure I was then vocalizing my insec and then for him he was like trying to say well no I just find you stunning and exciting with no clothes on at all and now to your point there was this like total mismatch that I was building my insecurity I was also thinking when I said my poor husband like is there something wrong with him like he doesn't get excited cuz I'm wearing lace underwear like he supposed to yeah Y and then with my partner if I came naked it was too obvious oh he wanted me he likes me all covered in athletic gear interest a athletic wear yeah and so how did you deal with that in that moment because you said that you're a essential I am primarily sexual energetic okay so when you're like okay I'm nude that's like really putting yourself out there and now he wants you in athletic we how do you reconcile that because I understand they like do what it takes mentality at the same time how do you get turned on if you're just serving your partner MH that's a really good question so part of that is about expanding into other blueprint territory I think our blueprints show us where we're limited as like there's a full spectrum of sexuality here and then oh I'm kind of stuck in these categories so can I find turn on in these other types and so the experiment began for both of us because he was 0% sexual on his so when I'm coming naked and grabbing his crotch he's like what are what are you doing right I asked him to send me some videos of what turned him on and he sent me like videos of people like romantically kissing so like I know there's High sensual there but I was only 5% sensual so I'm zero I'm zero in his primary one which is kinky which is the next one and he's zero seexual I'm 5% sensual which is his almost the same as kinky for him and then he's 0% or 5% energetic which so I'm sexual energetic he's kinky sensual and we're completely flip-flopped holy smokes so we had to learn how to bridge it we had to learn how do how do I then get turned on when I'm wearing athletic wear and getting the ropes out you know like and he's cuddling with me right um and we did that we've done that dance and we F found those ways to even just energetically he can dominate me energetically by teasing me teasing me teasing me and because my sexual is next and I'm like okay let's get to the thing now I'm like turned on because we've had all this energy play he'll he won't give it to me because now we're in a power Dynamic of playing and so that feeds his kinky to be able to play with me that way energetically oh my God that's so cool okay so let's talk about kinky so kinki is someone who's turned on by the taboo and that's whatever is taboo for you I really like to have a broad definition of Kink I think we have a lot of things in our culture that are naughty and so there's a lot of people who have Kink within their blueprint map because it's like Oh I like that thing that I'm not supposed to be doing and there's psychological aspects to the kinky and then there are physical aspects of the kinky so my partner Ian he is psychological in that he likes to be out of control he like he can switch between both dominance and submission but he really loves to like not have to be the one who's in control so when I'm taking over that power and I'm taking over that dominance of him like he can't speak or he has to do what I say those kinds of things are a big turn on so that helped sexual so we do this little game again the VIN diagram of for the next 24 hours you have to do whatever I say whatever sexual favors that I want you have to do them and that completely turns him on because now I'm in the power Dynamic and we're playing a psychological game and it turns my sexual on because I can just be like come over here and do the thing chop chop you actually break down you said those three elements to kinky can you repeat the psychological that's the what like I'm going to tell you what to do when to do it how to do it and you can't talk okay within consent of course you know so like th those are the power dynamics and then the next one is sensation based and that's somebody who loves the like for example Ian loves the ropes and so the feeling of constriction the sensation of constriction feels really good in his body and that's very pleasurable so if I get the ropes out and then I boss him around it's a winner every single time so and then the third is somebody who is a mix of both of them and he's a mix he's a mix of both of them okay going back to what's the shadow what's the shadow side of kinky the shadow side of the kinky is shame why am I turned on by this why do I like this this is outside of the box um and that that shame then can become like this thing that then makes that thing that you're so turned on by the only thing that you want and that eventually can become a rut and become a grave so you find this pathway of something naughty that turns you on and then all of a sudden it becomes the only path to turn on and you actually said earlier um kinky is whatever you perceive as kinky explain that because I think this is so powerful yeah so if it's taboo for you then that becomes kinky so like I had a couple who had never had sex out of missionary position in 40 years of being married and then they had sex outside of missionary position it was so naughty to them and so that was so kinky so it it has a wide range because of it being based upon that so if it feels like oh I shouldn't be having anal or something like that then that is now kinky instead of sexual but if it's like I just like the penetration of that then it's more sexual blueprint what up homie I got something free and new to share with you right now how often are you visited by that negative voice in your head telling you that you're not smart enough that you're not good enough experienced enough not fill in the blank one of the most powerful things you can learn to do in life is to turn that negative voice into your bestie and I want to teach you how to do that and so much more in my four steps to becoming conf idence workshop and guys the most amazing thing is you can actually register for completely free for this Workshop so click the link on your screen and I see you on the inside so it doesn't have to be like all the way to 50 Shades of Gray no it does not have to be but if that's what turns you on great you know but I actually heard you say you know like um specifically um religious people as well like that becomes a thing because they've been taught that that can be bad and so they stay in this um kind of cocoon if you will right anything that feels bad and wrong when you start to step outside of that and and break free of that taboo um it may shift then from being kinky into something else but as long as it still feels like it's the taboo and you're you're doing something wrong and I'm putting wrong in quotes because it's not wrong Mo in most way you know if it's consensual if it's safer you know you're practicing the safer sex practices if it's sane and consensual then you've got you know the recipe for something that can be played with yeah and what do you see as I I typically think of kinkiness or I had until I read your book um thought of kinkiness as being more of like a male thing um but in again reading your book I'm like oh I'm the kinky one in my relationship um and but I think I love that but I think I always put it in a bucket of like well no Lisa you're the female you shouldn't so do you actually notice a difference or um between men and women in the kinkness bucket or is it just the stereotype that has been given to us by Society you know I think it's this is always an interesting conversation for me is like the stereotypes of oh I shouldn't be that way because of my gender or I shouldn't be that way because of something in my life the religion I grew up with that there are these shoulds that we put on ourselves and so what we've seen in the quiz I talked about how men are kind of around the board with women it's mostly sensual and energetic but this is the really interesting piece I talked about the Mind versus the body the quiz that we have online is all the mind but then when I start to get into women's bodies I see more kinky come online than any of the other blueprints which is which is fascinating to me because there's something and there's always a sound I always know because there's always a sound that comes with it and it's like because they've never tried it or because they've never gone down that road they don't know that it's actually something that's turning them on and then we get into actual practice and then there's this oh sound that happens and I'm like there's the kinky blueprint and so we often have a quick expansion into the kinky once it starts to be explored that's so cool and how do you start to I was going to say actually eliminate the taboo so that you can try the kinkiness um actually how do you do that part of it is just looking okay where are the corners of Shame and then what would have me feel safe I love doing die ads they're a process that I use a lot in my practice and so it's as simple as something you could do with a partner you could do this with a friend you don't have to have a a romantic partner you're doing this with but tell me something that feels shameful in sexuality and you keep going back and forth with the same prompt over and over again and what it does is it starts to empty the mind of the Mind content so that you can get free of all of the mental chatter that's going on about something and then after you reveal all of the things that you feel shameful about then you could go into tell me something that would have you feel safe to explore Kink and then get all of the list of things that would help you feel safe and then look at that list afterwards and go okay these are the things I actually need to implement here um these three are the top ones that would have me feel really safe to explore Kink now yeah cuz I was thinking what's the difference between the idea of something versus the actual Act of something because there's a lot and I'm just revealing something about myself here but there's a lot of like kinkiness I'm like oh that would be exciting but I was like even him doing the work with someone I feel very safe with like my husband I'm like yeah I don't want to do that right yeah I mean there's a difference between a fantasy and your brain right yeah that's what I'm getting and actually doing it so I remember uh I read the an rice Trilogy which has a lot of really intense kinky stuff in it um The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy have you ever read it I'm putting that on my book list so I read it and it was so hot like in my brain like so hot and just okay maybe I want to try that maybe and I I was reading it for research for another book that I had written and uh my partner and I were doing this experiment of 40 days of Kink where he was dominating ating me for 40 days and I was dominating him for 40 days and during the time I was marking you know in reading this book like things I wanted to try and then and then when we flipped over into him dominating me eight days in it was not going well for me and my trauma was getting all triggered and it didn't feel like I thought it would feel was so much better in my head than in real life and so then we had to back up and we had to start over and go wait wait a minute let me find out authentically what my body loves versus what my I had so much cognitive dissonance between the two so sometimes something is better in your head than it is when you actually go to do it because your body has a different idea superpower though is that it can go I mean creatively you could learn something every other day in the realm of Kink there's so many just even like the knots and the Rope ties or just any of those things the psychological games that there are to play can be a lifetime of learning learning skill amazing okay and then the next blueprint so that's the shape shifter and The Shape Shifter someone who's turned on by all of this so there's someone who likes all the variety all the things one at all the time can just they could be in pleasure for a really long amount of time usually one of the things at our events is we'll have a we have all the massage tables set up and we have a day that's the shape shifter day and it's amazing to see I we can do three hours on the table and they're still not like they're just like we can go more we can do more we can do more and shape shifter day is always a little bit wild because there's this huge variety and a huge appetite for everything that they want crave and desire and they always can have more of it so they harder to please I wouldn't necessarily say they're harder to please I would say that there's the most Starving in the blueprints and the reason why they're the most starving is because they shapeshift this is part of their Shadow and part of their superpower they shapes shift to please the other people because they can speak any language so if everybody's speaking sensual okay I'll speak sensual too and so they can be pleased it's just that they they often don't have players who know how to play and speak all the different languages yeah that's what I was going to say like how do they actually get true satisfaction in a long-term relationship if they're with one person that doesn't even have a combination let's say one person is just essensual yeah so if they have a partner who's primarily one blueprint like a lot a big percentage of one blueprint that can be that can be a challenge you know and so that person has to be willing and I think this is something I talk about a lot in the book because it's really the number one thing when it comes to These Blueprints is are you willing to learn are you willing to become multilingual so that you're satisfying your partner if you love your partner and you're in a relationship that you want to stay in then it's worth let me okay let me go learn French it's just like learning language you can learn the skill sets um and so that's what it really comes down to is do you have high willingness to take the time to learn how to play the Stratovarius violin which is what the shape shifter is you know Shadow side is that they can shape shift to please everyone else but also that they feel like they're too much or they're too complex and so they've heard this in their life oftentimes like you just want too much like you're wearing me out so it's uh it's not that you're too much or too complex it's just that you're very erotically sophisticated and erotically intelligent you actually have full spectrum sexuality and so what I think is very interesting in my 30 years of practice is seeing I think that we're all Shape Shifters and what has happened is that we're conditioned and programmed to be one type where we then land and kind of get stuck and don't develop erotically past that one type to really come into full spectrum sexuality of who we are as erotic beings so is it kind of like the language where it's like you've been brought up to speak this exactly language you may have an accent if you speak other languages but you can still speak other languages right yeah and so how willing are you to develop yourself if we're looking at erotic empowerment for everyone and erotic confidence being a shape shifter that's fully developed is to me when we're we're I I always am careful to say this because I think that we're whole already we actually are already whole and complete we just need to uncover the programming and the conditioning that's on top of who we already are to step into our fullness erotically and so it's about peeling back those layers that keep you from your full erotic expression of who you are and to me the shape shifter is the full erotic expression where of course you have confidence you can speak any language you've just learn you have five of them you know you can you can touch on and there's not a boring moment because the shape shifter has all this variety it has access to the full capacity of our eroticism so when you said um they can just keep going does that mean that they can have multiple or like typically have multiple orgasms yeah orgasmic superpowers are different in all of the blueprints but one of the orgasmic superpowers of The Shape Shifter is that they can have all the different kinds of orgasms and they have really an unlimited in my life one of my missions main questions I ask myself is what is erotically possible and I've never found the ceiling to that question and I have been in that inquiry for 30 years and I have not found a ceiling wow so what is possible is infinite depending on yourself or depending on the person you're with or both both yeah is there a way to then get um certain satisfactions then or do you advise if your Pawn cannot maybe Reach the the blueprint that you're in would it serve you to serve yourself in that category and then please the other person yes this is when it now that you know the blueprints and you start to know who you are erotically it's like okay what are the next steps then I know myself that's the first one and now let's look at how am I being fed am I completely starving cuz if you're starving trying to then go and please somebody else doesn't work and I even looking at the history with my partner Ian and I it's this I was really starving I was really starving so then it was hard for me to go into like all the sensual and kinky and ropes I was like but I'm starving so we did it you just want a cracker exactly and so um and so we did this experiment we do these experiments all the time and we did 90 days of oral sex and he had a lot of resistance going in again both sides doing it yeah both sides doing it and so we did this every day we were going to do five minutes of oral sex every day for 90 days straight but he was like oh my gosh he didn't want to fail so we had to come up with easy wins I think this is an important thing for a lot of people to hear is like don't start like with the hardest thing start with something that's really really easy and so how can you get fed on easy wins and oral sex seemed easy to me and also we didn't fully have the blueprints yet so he was I was like what is wrong with this man that he doesn't want oral sex for 90 days you so we had to make it winnable for him and so one of the winable actions was it's only 5 minutes and it can be a mouth on any body part oh so you know that incorporated his sensual it could be anywhere on the body doesn't have to be the genitals and so that made it easy so he can like nibble your ear he could nibble my ear for 5 minutes that would count as oral so and it works for me as an energetic because sex can be not just G focused even though my sexual does come online and what was interesting too about the 5 minutes is then we would find ourselves going 30 minutes 45 minutes you know like it would just be that in it was like okay we got that five minute in we won we'd high-five each other and then we'd keep going and then and then the next one was he got 10 get out of we both got 10 like get out of oral sex free cards and so we had this just we just really set it up to be really easy and then I was fed now my sexual was fed which then opened the door for our next experiment which was the kinky experiment which really fed him so now we're coming from this deeply fed space so the next one so fed is the first one then then the next one is speaking and so how are you speaking to your partner that helps them now feel connected to and honored so if you're speaking the wrong language we don't necessarily understand each other all the time and the language isn't just the words we're saying the language is also what's happening in your body so if I'm coming to him and I'm saying I want to [ __ ] tonight he's going to not be turned on but if I say let's cuddle and see what happens then he's turned on cuz he doesn't feel pressure cuz I want to have sex is going to be pressure and how do identify that is it just through identifying the blueprint blint okay yeah once you know the blueprint then you can start to know okay well even my vocal Tone If my vocal tone was too intense then that's going to be a turnoff versus like if I'm like more melty and you know have a different tone and way of being with him and even energetic body language is so important that Attunement for an energetic because if I'm too close and I'm there's any feeling of like too much aggression and I even leave pauses in between my words so that the energetic can digest it and so I took some of the things that I learned from some of my vocal training and from my acting background to go okay well if somebody needs these things then how I'm perceived and how they're reading things I need to shift how I'm doing that so even where my breath is or how I'm looking in the eye or not looking in the eye all of these things are being read and so study of body language as well that was I I read this book um it was by Ken diwal which is uh Body Mind was the name of it and I read this in college and it fascinated me because he would look at people just standing in front of the room and how they were acting and he could tell them their whole history just by their body language and that was something that I just started studying is okay how I'm holding myself then is how people are interpreting who I am and what their projection is on me and I started just breaking that down for the blueprints and I think one really important thing that you're saying is is like you have to kind of keep trying things keep looking at things like the way that it works right like so with this tone did that tone work okay did this word work uhuh and then not put it on is like something fake at first it's going to feel a little weird you know that's what I going to say because if you're essensual telling someone hey you want to [ __ ] is a little uncomfortable and fake because you don't necessarily mean it right if you're if you have trouble with those words then how do we land into them and how do we make that comfortable and sometimes that's just practice like practice in front of a mirror you know just start saying hey and you're essential and you're trying to talk to your sexual partner of like hey I'd like to [ __ ] you tonight and just practice it do it get grounded and then notice well wait a minute now maybe I need to work with a shadow side because those words are hard and is that a hard limit or is that just a resistance in me and I think that's a really important key piece is is something in me like a hard limit I don't want to do this then we need to go wait a minute let me ask you a different question partner you know my can I ask you the question of what about that act like let's just use anal as an example so what about that act turns you on what about that is the turn on and let's say you have a hard limit about that now they can say well what really turns me on about that is that I feel like I'm in a surrender position I feel like I can let go more fully with that kind of sex okay so now I've heard two things surrender and let go so how can I now bring surrender and let go that has nothing to do to about the ACT that's actually happening and become a yes to surrender and let go versus the actual tactic and so how do you um then know because you were saying right it's like there's one part that can be potentially the conditioning that we've been taught that this is bad and so you're like I won't do that versus I just haven't enabled myself to let go of that shadow side yeah yeah I mean so this is where the healing comes in so we talked about feeding speaking and then there's healing so that shadow Side and being able to really go okay wait a minute there's something here that I now have as a program or condition that came from my life circumstances or life Events maybe it's time for me to look at those things and and really see what can I do to overcome that programming and that conditioning but the shadow can have different aspects not just our psych emotional aspects it can have physical things like scar tissue from childbirth or pelvic floor tears something like that um you know going through life changes that can cause a biochemical change so there's also biochemistry that can affect it and then bioenergetics so we're bioenergetic before anything else so so what's happening in the in the body system and the energy system and in our emotional systems that are creating these shadows and how can we bring the unconscious material with sexuality conscious so working with bioenergetics I'm I'm looking at the other three Realms too because they all affect each other so if like somebody has scar tissue in the midline it's cutting through the energetic Meridian in the front of the body so we want to know that like okay because that's going to affect libido that might affect sensation and we want to work with that so I'm I'm it's like I'm an erotic detective a lot of times in the shadow realm because it's like okay let's let's see let's find this let's like really dig and and look at all these different areas to see what could be the original cause because once we get to the original cause then we can start to unravel it so for example Scar Tissue if I find that that can be affecting the whole system and then we're going to do castor oil massage Cil breaks down rinic acid So for anybody listening who has scar tissue and and that maybe that's causing pain is it usually scar tissue in the stomach or it can be um you know C-section scars otomy scars it's a lot of what I work with when we're looking at scars I never thought that that connects to your like your libido and waa yeah and I see that frequently I was actually working with a client last year who had had a surgery and was having trouble with erectile function and just couldn't understand I was like as soon as I heard about the surgery I was like there we are and we did a couple Scar Tissue things and like helped with his mental cuz what starts happening is like oh first time I don't something wrong happens then the brain starts to spin right and so once we cleared all of that then he was fine yeah I had so many gut issues for a while like really bad gut issues that I was having a lot of pain and I didn't really put the two together cuz I was like well the vagina and the gut is two very different parts of the body nope it's all connected it's fascinating to me how how something in the gut exactly and then how that's affecting the whole system that's when I'm very first heard about pelvic flooring CU I was like what the hell is that do you actually mind explaining if no one at home knows yeah so pelvic floor is the the muscles that basically are like holding all of this and so in our rectile tissue is between the pelvic floor which I love because as soon as you're squeezing and getting these different layers of your pelvic floor strengthened then you're squeezing the entire erectile tissue and so you can give yourself orgasms just by strengthening and getting resilience but I I really like to think of it like there's strength because sometimes we can over just like any muscle if you like overtrain just one muscle and you also don't have flexibility and you don't have resilience in that muscle then we need to also have resiliency we need to have flexibility and so tissue that's resilient is like when you touch it and then you can see that it it responds to that touch in a certain way as opposed to like it's mushy you know so we want that resiliency does it bounce back does the elastin bounce back and so we want all of these different things within the pelvic floor so even just as we're sitting here we can I do pelvic floor exercises all the time and part of that is just to get my Sexual Energy and my aliveness going it's like a pump and it's fueling your whole body and so these different layers of muscles I when I was 19 I was like I'm going to learn how to move each layer and isolate each layer in my pelvic floor so I started just like okay these these are the ones that stop the flow of urine and let me like pay attention to like get just these okay here's the anal sphincter now let me get the anal sphincter online now now here's high in the vaginal Canal near the cervix and now can I can I contr move all of that and then I started to wave them like I became obsessed when I was 19 years old this was you know I was destined to be a sexologist I guess from the age of 13 I think you said right this is amazing I can't believe you have that much control um okay so thank you for explaining that so and that'll that changed so like when I had my baby I lost like I mean it was great that I had that control because when I was giving birth I could like push and do certain things when with that so it helped me a lot in that process but you know then I had to rebuild and that was a whole other process and a whole other Journey well that's actually fascinating to think about how many if you've had a child then compared to before having a CH child your blueprint types change because of that they can and I have seen this in my practice where a life event will cause the blueprint to shift so menopause one um a big life crisis something like that or some kind of change change in relationship can cause it to shift having a baby can cause it to shift because we're not just the blueprint we're also the biochemistry we're also what's happening to us physically we're also emotional and so all of that plays a role into and that's why there's actually your blueprint type but there's also the core erotic blueprint has is taking into account these four things that I've been talking about in terms of biochemistry bioenergetics physical and emotional wow um can you give me example then for each of those yeah so biomechanical would be the scar tissue I was talking about or let's say lack of flexibility um an injury that you've had in in some way that is is creating like I can't get into that position on my knees anymore that would be biomechanical and then biochemical is the hormones and the hormonal State and it's also the chemistry between you and your partner so would that be like if your so that's why you said kind of things like menopause and stuff yeah or your testosterone's low and I think a lot of women don't think about oh testosterone but having low testosterone is going to affect sexual function have you heard of the T-shirt study no no oh I think K explain it to me yes so the in in chem in the chemistry between you and another person there's a nerve in your nose called cranial nerve zero and it goes to the sex centers of the brain and so what it's doing though I think is fascinating is that it's reading the immune system of your partner with your immune system so that if you were to have a child you would have a child with a really healthy immune system and they did a study with women where they had them smell a t-shirt to smell the phermones to see what would happen and the women who are on birth control could not smell the signature of Attraction of that that chemistry that they would have with someone who would create because of the immune system a best child a strongest child but then when they went off birth control and so it was interesting because then I have women who go off birth control like I'm not attracted to my husband anymore and it's because of the pheromonal signature so attration it has something to do with the chemistry with this cranial nerve and what about even like even the gut like um so that you know the immune system um how would you would that work both ways as well I would think so um the interesting thing about gut health is the serotonin and I think that that then plays a role because if we look at like some of these these neurotransmitters and hormones in our body serotonin is the bonding aspect and so if your gut health is all all affected then how is that affecting the bonding between you and your partner and we got dopamine um and even an orgasm we're looking at also the phases Masters and Johnson's phases with orgasm um we've got acetylcholine we've got dopamine and I am a high dopamine woman so I like I'm like have the orgasm now get on to the next thing you know like that that's part of my high dopamine phase is is that I like that variety but if I was high serotonin then that would be different or Gaba like I serotonin and Gaba are lower in my body and so that's always important for me to know is like what's happening and can I boost that so that I have more bonding capacity versus like oh new shiny object you know when I had one foot out the door okay well wait a minute maybe Gaba and some serotonin supplementation might help me then really feel all in with this relationship W is that what you did then you took some supplements yeah I actually did supplement because I knew my neural transmitters and I was high acetylcholine and dopamine which is great because acetylcholine and dopamine are great for orgasm and for arousal but then I the bonding side of things wanted to just supplement a little and a lot of people don't have awareness in this area except for the energetic blueprint has a lot of a lot of awareness maybe not like cognitively but they can feel it they feel when some's off they feel when something's not right and so they their hair might stand on end about something and so you have to be really attuned when working with an energetic is there is that where like would you have to have more communication in that if you're an energetic thing I think you have to have more communication that is body aware communication so there's the words we can use of course always have that Foundation but there's an Attunement in a listening I would say if I could teach people one skill it's awareness and people always say to me like G you have such a Attunement you have such an attuned touch and that's from years and years of listening and learning to listen not just with my hands but with my being that I'm there and I'm present with someone and I'm listening for all the subtle cues all the time and that allows me to be a really good energetic lover because I have that Attunement which not everybody has because we haven't been taught how to have that level of awareness and Attunement yeah because I can just imagine most of us or a lot of us don't even know our own body our own Sensations to get attuned with ourselves let alone even getting in tuned another person right so it starts with you really I mean can you even just like spend them spend five minutes with your wrist how often do we just even spend with a body part time and so can you be so attuned to every little curve and the temperature and how things feel under your fingertips one of the exercises I had to do when I was in massage school was we would put uh hair in a Bible cuz Bibles have really thin pages and we would feel the hair through the page and then they turn a page and then you'd have to feel the hair through the next page and then turn the page and feel the hair through the next page so that you're attuning your fingertips to being able to feel that hair with each page that they turned and I loved that exercise because it really gave me this awareness in my fingertips now of being able to feel very subtle changes that are happening in someone's body still is so hot for an energetic it's where the orgasm often happens for them so if you have have been having a lot of activity and then you just drop into Stillness and you just drop and you breathe and you listen with your hands without any movement there's so much happening um so let's talk about the five stages then that we if people are listening right now that they can go through so there's five stages that's first one is resting and this is somebody who's not having sex so and this could be you're doing this by choice perhaps you're in a resting phase cuz you're like I just need to take a break I just need to practice some celibacy um or a spiritual church choice that you're going to practice celibacy although it's interesting even there is like you look at like tantric Tibetan Buddhists and they would practice celibacy but they had a concer that they would imagine was you that they would make love to and so Sexual Energy wasn't bad it's not that it was bad it was just a choice because they were doing a renunciate path and choosing as a monk not to have sex so that would be a resting phase does it mean that it not not necessarily have sexual energy or eroticism to it that's what I was going to say cuz if you're an energetic then you're still getting the senses exactly you're still getting the sensations just as much I mean somebody can hover their hand over you and you can go into complete orgasm just from that or just from visualization or meditation that's a lot of my practice because I I love that as an energetic so what would you do H how do you avoid doing that then if you're in resting phase for me it's I mean I have a little different relationship because I've been practicing this for so long but for me it's it's like a switch and I can just even just visualizing or shutting down my erotic energy especially if it like I'm not going to walk around with my erotic energy and full bloom in the middle of Los Angeles I mean that might be interesting but uh you know I I kind of see it like a dial of I can turn it up I can turn it down and I can I can tune in that sensitivity even the way that I dress like right now I'm a little bit more open but if I'm wearing a hoodie or baggy sweatpants like that might help me regulate that a little more oh and that's interesting so if you're a sensual is that because actually early you said though with a sensual just blindfold yourself and now it actually accentuates your other senses absolutely so if you're a sensual would covering up make a difference it could it depends on how you feel within that so if like my partner loves when I'm more covered up it turns him on more and so I know that it turns him on so covering up in the sensual becomes more of a turn on cuz CU I know that turns so on what is that type then if you're getting turned on by somebody else getting turned on oh that's like it's called compersion and so compersion is when my partner is turned on I'm turned on and so I have high compersion so when people around me are turned on I'm just feeding all that's partly energetic I think that's also ties into my energetic I'm just turned on because there's so much erotic energy in the space yeah that's amazing okay so you got resting resting and then after resting we move into healing and so the way I see it a little differently if have you ever heard of Ken Wilbur ni so he talks about stages and states of Consciousness and it has it's a similar modeling in that here a stage is more like we get fixed into it and a state is where it's fluctuating more and we really would love for these to be a bit more fluctuating more like a state that you're moving through all day long or you know throughout the month but they can get stuck into being a stage and so and it's not necessarily a bad thing they're not hierarchical it's not like one's better than the other like I will consciously choose times of rest because I need that and it and then it helps fuel me for the next Evolution um so as we go into healing I was in the healing stage for example after I had my son because you can't have intercourse in that time because my body needed to heal or maybe you've had a breakup and you need time to really heal after a breakup so that healing phase again very valuable you just don't want to get stuck there like now I'm healing for the rest of my life and I'm not reintegrating with my partner and eroticism and my aliveness because I've shut down in some way so and again I want to tell people like you're not broken there's nothing wrong with you if you're in a healing or resting phase you're whole and complete just as you are and I think that's something people really worry about around sex am I broken Am I Wrong am I weird are my genitals okay these are some of the questions that I get most yeah or why can't I you know have an orgasm everyone else say it's so easy or or even just hearing me talk they people may think oh well I'm not having that kind of orgasm and I like to share just because I like to share what's possible but there's nothing wrong with you if you don't want to have ejaculatory orgasms or energetic multi-dimensional orgasms or you know food gasms there's nothing wrong with you if you're not having that and any of it can be developed and I I say that because over all the years in my practice I have seen people develop and cultivate these kinds of orgasms if you want to but there's nothing wrong with you if you're not having them and I love that cuz especially that if you want to cuz that's what I'm always trying to do with my audience right like Empower them give them the tips and tools to then take this all information this freaking master class that you're teaching us right now and then deciding what's right for them how they feel but it's the feeling lost that I think is really disempower owering for so many of us wom especially you know um as more has been talked about to your point that you actually said earlier like you're an expert you had all these tips and you still weren't getting it you just feel that shame even get more heightened do you find then a lot of people get stuck in the healing phase yeah I feel people get do get stuck in in the healing they also get stuck in Curious which is the next one which is I'm just going to learn about it and not actually do the thing I'm going to gather all the information listen to all the podcast read all the books but I'm not going to actually put into action things I mean how many of us have courses and books on the bookshelf that were maybe flip through didn't read and then we don't put into action even more so how are you taking this information this content and putting it into action um or using the healing phases as an excuse not to do things because it can we want to honor our bodies This Is Where It's Tricky you want to honor your body you want to honor where you're at you don't want to override yourself but if you've been in the healing phase for a really long time you may want to look at wait a minute what is my resistance to actually moving out of this phase what's going on in one of those other four obstacles that we talked about the bioenergetic the emotional the physical or the the biochemical I want to look at those and see okay now I need to move out of that wow okay so you've we've got the resting healing healing curious and then we go into adventurous so adventurous is when we're ready to get out of the comfort zone we're ready to go on the adventure we're ready to do the things so this may look like trying something you've never done before it's going to that Kink class when you're scared and then learning about the rope tie when and I were do we were doing our 4040 project we were going to classes all the time because again zero I didn't have a lot of wisdom or knowledge in that area and uh we went to rope tie classes we went to different like dominance classes to learn impact classes we did a lot of study during that time actually studied with a Dominatrix and uh that was fascinating because I got to like in in the field learning um about what she did and like following her and apprenticing with her and that was really amazing okay so you got the adventures do you advise people watch porn in this stage or is like that feels like an adventure and it feels like it's something that you're using healthfully where you're staying embodied in so it's interesting this question of porn com has been coming up a lot lately and um you know what do I think about it how's the right use of it and just like any tool what right use is and so are you using it to go away from your partner and you're creating again that somatic Groove that becomes a rut and a grave because it becomes your only path because there's so much Shame about it or any of that are you using it to stay in your body are you using it to dissociate from what's happening in your body are you doing it quickly and in shame in a way that now is creating again another somatic pattern in your body or are you using it consciously and as a tool and then you can put down the tool what if you and your partner have let's say you're you're going down this adventurous phase um but you have different types of point that you're interested in is it like experimental be open trying to be open to both sides you can see that I'm just asking for a friend here right I'm like I need the story line I need the firefighter coming in to save the woman and my husband just was going straight to it yeah and that's blueprints again and I think it would be fascinating if somebody started a company where they actually like did all of the blueprints I think that would be really amazing because we see so much of sexual and kinky mostly in porn there are some feminist movements within the porn industry that make more of a sensual porn but like what would energetic porn look like that's fascinating you know can we appeal to shape shifters more and have like a variety Within erotica but I actually love how you broke down the um the ways to identify when and how you're using porn as a mechanism with everything that we're talking about right it's just like your vibrator you know and and again I come back to just like with food and quality of things in my life is it being created ethically are people being treated fairly I think that's a really important thing to take into as you're looking at this genre you know are people being empowered or are people being disempowered yeah that's super strong um okay so after The Adventurous after adventurous is transformational and this is when we get into the what's more about sexuality so things like T yeah like okay sex just can't be for procreation or for pleasure like what else is sex what else are we utilizing sex for if we're looking at sex as a tool we've been talking about that and I want to expand the definition of sex because I think we haven't talked about that and I think we have a limited definition of sex because the sexual blueprint is what we think of when we think of sex but actually if you look at what energetic sex looks like it's very very different than intercourse so intercourse is not sex I want to peel that out really what sex is is in your blueprint how are you using that consciously for your own Evolution and Awakening to me sex and this is my energetic speaking sex is a tool for our own self-realization sex is a tool for us to know ourselves even more deeply and to live more full ecstatic lives what what's the problem with that confusion I think the problem with that confusion is that it only takes into account one blueprint the sexual blueprint so then everybody else feels bad wrong and broken for the way that they're utilizing sexuality and so in the transformational stage when you're in that stage this also speaks to the stage that I'm in I spend a lot of time in the transformational stage is that sex then becomes this event or connection that is bringing bringing me more positivity is bringing me more Wellness is bringing me more wealth is bringing me more more of everything more of me into me this is by the way blowing my mind I am loving everything you're saying it's so freaking informative than you um and so now I'd love to dive into are there ways that you have seen the hardest combinations of partners with incompatibility with the different types this is something that I talked about a lot in the book there's a chapter just going through each compatibility of all the different blueprint types what I think is interesting is that most people think that oh if I have the same type that's going to be the best right and it isn't necessarily the best I think we're trying to complete ourselves erotically and so we are attracting opposite blueprint pairings and it could also be that the most people come to me have a mismatch they're coming because they feel that mismatch in their eroticism sexuals and energetics tend to be the pairing that I see have a lot of difficulty and a lot of times it's because the sexuals It's So Physical sex is the physical act of intercourse and then you got an energetic who's like please just hover your hands over my body or please just do really really slow light attuned present touch and the sexual is like no no no I want to go until you have an orgasm so um they really have a hard time the sexuals have a hard time relating to how an energetic feels so much with just something like this and the energetic has been shutting down for so long because the sexual has been coming at them it's what it feels like it's not that the sexual is actually coming at them like that it's that the energetic feels accosted all the time because they're wanting slow Attunement and presence and spaciousness and what are the ones then that do uh work the best together what up homie I got something free and new to share with you right now how often are you visited by that negative voice in your head telling you that you're not smart enough that you're not good enough experienced enough not fill in the blank one of the most powerful things you can learn to do in life is to turn that negative voice into your bestie and I want to teach you how to do that and so much more in my four steps The Becoming confidence workshop and guys the most amazing thing is you can actually register for completely free for this Workshop so click the link on your screen and I see you on the inside I find the Central and the kinky work really really well together and it's in it's in my partner so it's interesting to watch within him I have the sexual energetic in me and those two because I have them so much in me I can watch them battle each other my energetics like slow everything down my sexuals like come on let's get to it oh yeah so how do you navigate those and then how do you know um do you is typically do you have like a primary yes so typically you'll have a primary blueprint and then a secondary blueprint but you're really a mix of all of them um unless you have a 0% like my partner and I did you know then you need to cultivate or develop or expand into that if you want to um and so what I've done to reconcile this inside of myself is to allow my energetic more space just like I would with a partnership I have this partnership Within Me of energetic and sexual primarily and so how do I have times where my sexual can just go for it and how do I have times where my energetic can rest into something now that we've laid all that out I'd actually love to break some myths because the myths are the things I think that we very much hold on to and that if we can break the myths or combat the myths then it can allow people to then go and explore the blueprints that you've laid out so you've written these in the book but I'd love to just go through some so you put basic that something must be wrong with me if you're not having mind-blowing sex or um and you actually say normal doesn't exist mhm so yeah so something's wrong with me if I'm not having mind-blowing sex know what's often there is that you haven't figured out who you are and it's not that there's anything wrong with you because we're all wired differently in the bedroom so once you find out what your blueprint is then you can start to work from there or something's wrong with me because my hormones are off no we can optimize hormones like there's there are so many things that you can do again you're not bad wrong or broken yeah yeah okay number two the problem the problems in your sex life are because of your incompatibility it's not about being on different pages it comes down to three three things you do not know who you are and what turns you on erotically yep you are not communicating honestly about sex how many people do that a lot of people I think there was a statistic I read once that said 76% of women are faking orgasms and I was like stop stop stop stop stop stop we need to start communicating honestly about sex honesty is a huge turn on it's an aphrodesiac but if you're doing it harshly that's different you know honesty done from the heart is a turn on I'd say and so this piece of like why are we lying because it's not doing any other woman at service you know I I can't tell you how many men have come to me and they're like well nobody complained in the past I'm like yeah because we don't complain about it it's true it's I think there's like the statistic right if you've actually slept with this many people statistically speaking at least three of them have been faking it right right so please everyone stop faking it no more faking it please be honest in the bedroom because it's going to build more intimacy and your body's not going to shut down cuz if you're faking it and the person thinks that that's the right thing to do they're going to keep doing that thing cuz they think that you're turned on by it and then your body eventually is going to go nope yeah I think also to your point where that person said to you where was like every other woman's been you know been okay with it I think it goes to almost like the confidence part of it because you you want to be a stud in bed like who doesn't want to actually be a stud in bed I don't think anybody says they don't want to so you know you want to be that person and so if you can't do it now you start to think going back to the one where like oh my God I'm broken I don't want them to know I'm broken that's going to wreck my confidence so I'm just going to you know right that's a really good point so I don't speak up like what are all the reasons why we don't speak up we don't want to hurt our partner we don't want our partner to think we're broken and then they're like oh God this is going to be complicated because we don't want to lose love it really comes down to we don't want to lose love so I just I'll fake it instead or or I want to get it over with and then once we get it over with we can get on to the rest of the things that we're doing um and that's that's a big one for sensuals to get I want to get back on to the things I need to get done I need to get back to my Todo list so I'll just do this and get it over with and not say anything about it instead of really taking the time that it takes to communicate and build that intimacy with someone yeah yeah um okay number three sex tricks and techniques will solve it all yeah that's we talked about that that's a big one I mean that was a big myth for me I thought I knew them all I knew them all so I should be able to turn my partner on but I did didn't know his blueprint MH that was what it came down to um kinkness comes from a pathology yeah this was an exploration with my partner and I because he was kinky he kept thinking what's wrong with me in my past that I am this way what's wrong with me that I like these things that are outside the box and I'll never forget we went to this one coach and he said why don't you just stop asking why you're turned on by it and enjoy it and that was a turning point for us because then we're like okay yeah I mean we haven't found anything in this history like and and there's actually been some research done that people who participate in Kink actually have healthier communication ability and healthier skills just because they can talk about these things more EAS is that because like you're having I went straight to like kind of bondage really I'm not sure why but um like you know like safe words and that comes with like communication the need of that communication practice King safely you have safe wordss of course when it's done within a healthy container the and so um you know talking about your safe words talking about here are my turn-ons here's what's okay here are the hard limits of what's off the table and now we're in a much richer conversation about sex which a lot of people never even have they go 40 years in relationship and they've never had a conversation about consent and so even if you've been married 20 years 40 years 50 years let's have a conversation about wait a minute maybe there's something that's been on the table for us that we need to take off the table because we have assumed consent oh now we're married now we have all this consent that is assumed and and some people find consent not sexy I think it's really sexy um but some people find that like oh I don't want to be asked all the time well then just have blanket consent you don't have to ask me to touch me oh you're saying like in a relationship yeah yeah yeah cuz I think um a big part is is almost like feeling the obligation that because I'm married or because I'm been with this person I'm obligated to do this how do you overcome that um feeling of the obligation because the more obligated you feel that you have to have the sex I would assume the less you're going to enjoy it and the less you're going to speak up and it perpetuates the cycle yeah absolutely yeah I think the that again these diads and I have a bunch of these in the book but one of them is to sit down with your partner and start to open up the box of this communication I often say just blame me I heard G on this podcast and this woman and she says we should do this exercise like you can blame me for opening up that conversation but also talking to your partner about what would have you feel safe to talk about sex with me and one of my favorite diad prompts is tell me something about you and sexuality and then you can just start to open up the box it doesn't have to be like a super tell me everything that you've never said to me heavy conversation it can really be like a just tell me what you want me to understand about you because I think we all seek to be understood and in this again it's not a it's not a conversation we really want to just go back and forth with the prompt and hear them and then say thank you if we understand and it's that simple and do that for 20 40 minutes Ian and I my partner we do this all the time where we will just sit and do a DI on something business related or related to Parenting so that we can understand more where the other person's coming from and then maybe we want to make different choices out of that clear effective communication that we just had what um is what other prompts can you use in that um in the obligation that can allow that now to really kind of like lift the weight of it because again you're so tactical and I love how you've got that in your book um and then it was interesting you said it's not a dialogue it's a back and forth It's conversation it's not it's not a conversation because in a conversation we'd hear that our partner say something we want to add something or we want to ask another question about that instead we're just seeking to understand and we're making contact with them in a really deep way of giving them our presence while we're here and so uh one of the things I love is a relationship evolving diet so there's three prompts in that tell me something you love about me and so starts with tell me something you love about me because that right away builds this rapport with each other it builds this connection with each other it disarms because you're just going back and forth and sharing something that you love about each other and then the next one is tell me something you want me to understand about you and whatever topic or it could just be tell me something you want me to understand about you so in this case we're talking about sex or we could talk about um things you say yes to and really don't want to do a you know so like we're not using the word obligation because I think obligation and sex together feels really icky so um tell me something you want me to understand about you and our sex life could be another easy one so there's a couple of different ways we put in there and that understand about you one and then last one is tell me something you think we agree upon about sex or whatever topic you know that it is that you're working on and you both answer that and see it's the same Y and and and it's not necessarily about agreeing so I think this is also really interesting it's about understanding so it's what you think you're agreeing on and then it's like oh but I understand that I don't necessarily agree about that but I understand that and I think that that that's a really tricky one because it's like okay what what do we agree on but you may not agree that you're agreeing on that but you can understand them about why they're coming from that that's so powerful cuz I think especially as we're talking about like sex is so intimate that it feels like well if you don't agree like can you actually make it work y you can you can cuz it's what you are perceiving that you agree upon as long as you have an understanding of each other and a willingness then you make it work yeah oh God I love that um and talk to me about the sexual mask the mask is when we have a masking over because it's what we think culture in society tells us we need to do and so a lot of men get a sexual mask because they think that that's what they have to be um in the Netflix show in sex love and goop the character there I don't want to give away a spoiler but he has an arc because he had a mask on and often times it is just it gets ingrained women get the sensual mask the most and what I see is that men get the sexual mask the most but what's underneath there especially so when we start to get in the body just like I talked about the kinky coming out for a lot of men the energetic actually starts to come out when I start to get them into playing the ab game which is something I go through in the book of just going through these different kinds of touches here's touch a here's touch B which one do you prefer I start to see a lot more energetic come up M and that's because you're basically taking the mask off we're taking the mask off because we're going into the body because it's what their mind has thought it's their programming it's the conditioning that they've been conditioned to be in and we start to unravel that programming and then see what's the truth actually going on in the body this is so powerful so how much in everything we've spoken about literally my mind is swelling with information here I just have loved this discussion so much how much have you seen this now really impact people's relationships that the reason why I think sex is so important I think many of us including myself I was brought up in a very you know Greek Orthodox family where my grandmother would tell me that the baby was brought by stalk like she actually would say those words um there was no sex education in my school whatsoever and so I've just been learning about this all as an adult you know and the show is kind of bit of a ruse to have people like you on to keep teaching me even though I've been you know married for 21 years um and so really thinking about what are those elements that can help people have this beautiful relationship and sex being such a big part of it how much have you found that These Blueprints and people understanding them has really improved people's relationships was really interesting when I first started you know I had my private practice and I started noticing these patterns show up the five Blueprints and then I was like okay I think there's something actually here that could really help people because I started seeing like people who had struggle with arousal now we're able to get aroused and how that was increasing the connection between their own partner and then I saw it in my own life of course between my partner and I and how it turned things around for us and so I remember the first time I spoke about it and everybody coming up to me afterwards like oh my God this makes everything makes sense now like my my last relationship makes sense everything that we're struggling with my partner makes sense and so then I was like okay there's something actually really here and then I'd speak of the next thing and people would come up with wow this just completely changed my life and the way I'm thinking about work even like or the way that I'm thinking about my relationships with my kids because I'm noticing I'm forcing my daughter to hug me and my daughter doesn't want to hug you know like she's an energetic and I have been non-consensually we thought something was wrong with her something like that where we start to see like there was a really big wave of impact and then when the goop show came out that was a whole other wave of impact because there were millions of people coming and taking the quiz and we were receiving all of this live feedback and then we've trained 300 coaches and so it it feels like my legacy it feels like the thing that I've left the world and I feel very complete at this point in terms of this is now something that's out into the world and I hope that everybody has this book you know on their bookshelf and that sex education we even have it starting to go into high schools to have this sex education coming for people some of our coaches have gone into high school to start teaching and that's fascinating because there's a whole difference in Generations which I didn't even realize it wasn't age wasn't something we put on our quiz and so then how do blueprints vary among Generations is a really interesting fascinating thing to think think about as well and what's going to be the impact on the world as this becomes a language around our sexuality because one of my goals was elevating sexual Consciousness on the planet and this gives us a way to start to talk about it and start to become self-realized people in this in this area that has been such a shadow and such a taboo and then we've had so much shame around yeah God when I think about you know like the Love Languages everyone loves them and everyone does the you know takes the quizzes and you know saying with like the personality trait and yet that we've never had the sexual like types is so mind-blowing and um is really impactful and I think I said this right before we were rolling but I really believe this is the foundation book that everyone's going to start to use when they talk about sex in a very healthy way like everyone's going to come back to you and this book I really believe that it impacted me that much thank you thank you that's what I wrote it for you know I wrote it so that we could start to have a wave where we can take this all out of the shadows and into the light of Consciousness so that sex changes I really think that's part of the darker aspects of sexuality come because we don't have Frameworks we don't have conversations about it and that allows that a those aspects that become Neurosis or become violent you know to proliferate because we can't have the conversations yeah so you say that to have pleasure forever what are the three things we need to do three things ver is to know yourself to know yourself and that comes to the blueprints so once you know it you own it I believe that we're each these unique beautiful expressions of Consciousness just like a flower blooming and a flower doesn't become ashamed of its Bloom because there's so much variety of flower it's like no Bloom Blossom be your fully expressed self because that is the gift to the world and so that's owning who you are as an erotic being and the last one is to live it and this came from a coach of mine you know he said GA you've done all this work and it's time for you to just live like you know just live like you know and that is to now you integrated into your life and that's when you know that you fully embodied it and integrated these teachings and integrated your sexual Awakening and integrated your sexual journey is when it becomes part of life you're just living it CH this has been such a pleasure we can people find you and your amazing book so the book is available all over in on Amazon all the places but you can go to the website erotic breakthrough.com if you want to take the quiz find out more and then my my website is g.l Lov keep watching to learn the secret to great sex and female orgasms what actually then holds us back from actually being able to orgasm so it was we like number one okay well if you fake it how the hell is your partner supposed to actually get you there I think that that's going to be a big thing um hormones so let's talk about hormones of how that can also be a something that can get in our way oh yes so whenever people they're like I have a low lipido I have difficulty or whatever the sexual dysfunction is they jump right away to like it must be my hormones it can be your hormones but it is often other things going on as well because once I mean so let's say like it starts with hormones let's say it starts with low estrogen it can be um estrogen issues because you're postpartum because you're in menopause um being on oral contraceptive pills can also mess with vaginal ecology as well and your ability to self lubricate and so low low estrogen is going to be problematic because it can lead to tissue atrophy difficulty self-lubricating the tissue can become more sensitive more Frable so if it's extreme you can go to the bathroom you can wipe and then you're going to find that there's blood on the tissue like that's how extreme that it can get and without estrogen we can't produce the glycogen the sugar that feeds the good organisms in the vagina so now we're going to be predisposed to yeast infections bacterial vaginosis and then those are going to be problematic so all of these hinder your sex life and with shrinking tissue of course that's going to affect your ability to orgasm and you're going to need lubrication but then we have all the shame about lubrication right like oh you're not you're not supposed to use that you should be able to like self-lubricate which is not always the case I mean depending on where you are in the cycle if you are a week before your period it's a dry time you're going to have a harder time self-lubricating because of where your hormones are at your progesterone's up your estrogen's taking a backseat to that and that's completely normal so you have that piece now if you aren't you know you aren't using ation the tissue is becoming inflamed there's infections um which these are normal organisms that live there but they become imbalanced now when you have sex there's an association with pain you can have pain discomfort you're not having an orgasm now you're in your head about that right you don't want to have pain or you've had pain in the past so you have a fear now you're trying to have pleasure but there's a fear around the pleasure and so that's just one example of one hormone and how it can affect you but I think where everybody usually goes in their mind is testosterone is that where you went oh um I wasn't sure to be honest because my thing went to hormones like okay you just don't feel in your chemicals aren't pumping that's kind of how I like blanketed it in my head um but then now to your point of well if even if your hormones are you're not being self-lubricated as much it's the mental thing that really freaking screws you because the second you get in your own head about oh my God I'm not as wet now my husband doesn't think I'm turned on by him right because now I worry he may not worry but I worry he's interpreting this as I'm not into him and now my mind goes into the whole thing and so that was why I thought then I wouldn't be able to orgasm because of the the way the hormone would impact my mind not necessarily the testosterone versus the estrogen well and testosterone and estrogen they really are like the go on on the sex on the sex pedals they're like let's go progesterone is like we're good cuz progesterone Rises after ovulation so so progesterone is basically like you had your chance to go collect some some semen and get pregnant we did the egg thing we're done here and that is where the phase of your cycle where you're like you know what I I'm really rather get into sweatpants than get into their pants like I am good right now and that's the progesterone and so testosterone we people I mean I will sometimes get men who write me and they're like you need to fix my woman's testosterone because she's not in the mood and I'm like you um you probably need to tend to to your home life and it's more than just testosterone but low testosterone is associated with low sexual desire um you can have difficulty orgasming and it can be involved in the arousal process as well but we it's something that I do see low testosterone in women but it's more common postmenopausal in really high times of stress it's not usually the main thing that's going on in terms of like what I commonly see and people are always surprised by that um the birth control pill can definitely take test testosterone that can be a reason why you have low sexual desire which is ironic cuz you're on the pill so that you can have sex and that is getting rid of that inhibition which is the fear of having a baby if you don't want one but then the way it changes your hormones can make it so that you're not in the mood and you're like I have yeast infections and my vagina is not self-lubricating and I have no testosterone so like I'm not into this but with testosterone for people who are curious about it um you know it's always beyond the low libido so you'll have lack of motivation you'll cry really easily um that kickass feeling you won't have that anymore that like ability to set boundaries Kick Ass Like have a great day your energy is going to be lower you're going to be more fatigued you're going to see that you have muscle mass wasting so you'll have less muscle mass it'll be harder to change your body composition so you'll have a propensity towards more fat cells and less muscle cells like in the body that's how things will shift and so it's not usually just a low testosterone goes low libido and no other symptoms you're going to have other symptoms with that as well um but you're absolutely right in terms of like the hormones do affect brain chemistry they absolutely do influence um as we see throughout the menstrual cycle so for example when testosterone and estrogen are up you are going to be more likely to fantasize so you're going to be running fantasies in your mind um you're more likely to be in like the grocery store checkout line see a magazine and your brain to register sex your brain to be like M yes that fellow looks good or she's looking good like and your brain is going to interpret like that's sex like I'm I'm into this and so um the hormones do absolutely play a role but I think it's very shortsighted for us to only be talking about hormones I say that as a hormone doctor and that it's just women are much more complex than that and while uh I do think the hormones should be evaluated I think there's a holistic approach in this conversation that often gets missed by a lot of practitioners so what would you say are the holistic things that we need or we can be doing in these situations I will tell you as a hormone Doctor Who is in a relationship who's been married for over a decade um working on your hormones is easier than working on your relationship and so I think wow that's a about statement it is very true I mean it's so much easier to be like I'm going to shift my diet I'm going to get better sleep like do these things because it's only you you just have to be accountable to you yeah and I see this all the time with patients where they're like let's just fix my hormones I'm like but maybe you need to talk about your relationship and they're like oh like that I mean it can definitely be work it is definitely something that can be um intense cuz now we have a dynamic and we have to unpack our stuff and they have to unpack their stuff and then you're putting it on the table together and now you've got to sort through it and like and then how how is your parents like how is their relationship like how have your past relationship like it just becomes so complex and there's so much to it and so working on relationships that can't be understated and working on your communication as well if you can't talk to someone outside the bedroom about sex how can you talk to them in the bedroom about sex about what you want and how to get that pleasure so there's that component I think we also need to be looking at things like chronic conditions so I think it's uh I think it's something that is widely dismissed in women um are it's autoimmune disease and any kind of chronic health issue where they struggle for years exhausted pushing through like I you know we have similar stories in that way of like really struggling with autoimmunity being dismissed I that is something that if your body's in survival mode for any reason even if it's just because you have a stressful job you're not going to want to be in the mood you're going to have a harder time having pleasurable sex because your hormones are shifting for survival so your cortisol is now coming up you're you're you're shifting like you know chill out progesterone which I said can like block you in the bedroom but yet if you don't have enough of it you're more critical of your partner you're more stressed out you can't get good sleep at night and so it's taking a look at like you as a whole person the environment that you live in your health practices and what is your what is your relationship like and so we have to look at all of those layers to really understand you know do you have a dynamic that is maybe impeding you in the bedroom or is that fine and like what we're dealing with is inflammation which is taking your testosterone and turning it into estrogen and now you're feeling cranky and swollen and Bloated and that's not sexy feeling that's like not a good feeling at all and so we really have to dissect that out and understand what is the root cause for you what's true for you while also teaching the components of what we started at the top with of like spontaneous and responsive desire understanding your gas pedals and your brakes like understanding these things because sometimes people think they're not normal when in reality they're totally normal it just doesn't look like it does on TV oh my God that was so good girl so like you know in your book you break down like you just did but you've got you know the age the hormones the stress the inflammation and going back to what you were just saying my gut issues were going on for years and so you want to talk about I wasn't in the mood but I it really impacted my um connection with my husband and so because I've built my relationship on pure honesty that was a very hard conversation to have but to your point of the communication where I sat down with him was like look it's painful for me and and of course my husband's such a gentleman he was just like I like no we're not doing anything like babe we need to make sure that your health is okay and I was like but I need we may not be able to have intercourse right now but I need that connection with you and he's always so generous he's just like yeah but it can't it shouldn't just be one way cuz like he never felt good about it just being his pleasure it was always a you know for both and I said I understand but actually right now because I don't know if I can orgasm I don't know if I use those words but I don't if I can get to that but I still need to feel that connection I still want to be intimate with you now what does this intimacy look like in a different way um where maybe I can pleasure him and things like that but to your point of my gut was inflamed and then I was very stressed out and I was just tired all the time and you know um we then feel shame around that yeah like I'm unable to please my partner absolutely and what's important in what you shared is so many people's definition of sex as a penis goes in the vagina like there has to be penetration and that's why I wrote a whole chapter on sex of all kinds because there's all kinds of ways to be intimate I have patients who have uh significant endometriosis um they cannot have penetration it is very painful for them that they can engage in oral sex or outer course I mean things that sometimes people think are like that's some high school juvenile stuff that's Inc incredibly pleasurable for some people and so there's lots of ways to connect and if you look at the research when people report sexual satisfaction orgasm is actually lower it's not one of the top things um feeling empathy feeling connected to somebody um actually feeling that intimacy that's what makes for a pleasurable session no matter what you're doing and so I think you know we talk a lot about the orgasm and everybody wants to try to get an orgasm and it is I think something that is important to have conversations about but I think it's important for people to understand that lots of people have very satisfying sessions so sexual experiences and never have an orgasm in that session and they still rate it very high but it's because of the connection so what you're talking about there of like the radical honesty I mean it really is radical in like our society right to be that honest you know that kind of connection um being intimate with someone just wanting to feel close to them like doing it for those reasons results in much more satisfaction than somebody going in and just being like we're just going to get this done so that we can get to orgasm and like be done with it people will report less satisfaction in those sessions and um I think women need around 14 minutes of four play and men only need like five yeah men don't some wow even five's High yeah I mean sometimes you're just like bending down in the in the freezer like getting something out and they're like let's go let's go right now right because again the brain is like sex sex sex serving that um and some women are like that too um and then they get told that like oh you're too much like a man and I'm like you're all good we're all good like whatever is working for you but for women yeah I tell my patients like give it 20 minutes to warm up give it 20 minutes to warm up and you know as we were talking about lubrication before um there's a phenomenon known as arousal non-concordance and so in the research they're like why is it that like like some women it's like their brain is like showing they're turned on but like their genitals are not turned on like what's going on the brain is what gives consent and the brain is the one to listen to if you say yes and the genitals look like they're saying no because they're not getting the memo the brain's like we're really into this and the genitals like huh what what's going on and so they're not getting as you know engorged we're not seeing um as much lubrication like that's happening nothing's wrong with you again a case for Lube so nothing's wrong with you in that situation and yet the brain sometimes surveys things so um I've had on my social media asked Dr Brighton a question that came up a lot um which I found really interesting is women saying I don't know what to make of it I'll be scrolling through my feed on social media and I'll see someone doing a suggestive dance or doing something and I feel aroused like my my genitals f a rout they don't say genitals they're usually like my clitoris like I feel my clitoris or like my vulva like feels juicy like you know using that kind of language and they're like and sometimes it's someone of the other gender like am I bisexual am I actually gay like what is actually going on here and I'm like that is just your brain being like Oh sex and the genitals are like sex you said sex okay hey and then you're self-lubricating like you feel this stirring in your nether region so to speak that is that is something as well that if the brain if you're like wait I'm not into this you're not into this that's a no it doesn't mean that you're switching genders it doesn't mean you're suddenly attracted to that person doesn't mean you want to cheat on your partner or anything like that the brain just said hey this is sex the genitals were like yes sex love it here for it and then you caught yourself and said mm I'm not actually into this the brain is in control control there so if you give consent but the genitals aren't following it's still consent if you say no and the genitals are doing something else they're just like I'm already on this train friend like we're just going that way but your brain says no that's not consent wow I love that you broke that down and I assume men are not the same um so here's the thing men can so this is like there's so many jokes and the the rousa nonconcordance gets talked about a lot more so like right we have um oh I'm really into her but I can't get acked and and it's not necessarily A rectile dysfunction there can be other reasons for that that's an arousal non-concordance there are times where um you know especially like uh as someone who has a young boy I'm like these moments are going to come where they're at the dining room table and the Brain picked up something as sex and they don't even know why and now they have an erection but they're not they're not turned on like they're not into this and so it can definitely happen with men as well um but you know a lot of times if men are in the mood and they're like I want to have sex then their penis is erect and then they're able to have sex right and so I think um with us it things are a lot more complicated I love that you broke that down cuz as you talk I'm like I'm just going to be honest like this is just weird for me to say out loud because I'm a little I was brought up when you never talk about sex so even this discussion I freaking love but there still part of me is a little embarrassed but I'm just going to say it like you're 100% right I can't remember what I was watching it was like some show and they had gay sex and I was like why am I turned on it was like it's not that I want to be a part of Manon man sex like I but so I was very confused yeah and so I turned to my husband he's like no I'm not turned on and he didn't have he wasn't hard so I'm like this is very confusing for me because I'm not in but it didn't seem that's really common by the way it's super common and most people don't say it out loud but um the homosexual sex there's a lot of women who will watch that pornography they are very turned on to um to it uh part of that can be because it feels like a safer situation as a woman than watching like because when it is heterosexual sex that is again very naale centered and the way that you know sometimes things are being done a woman is like I'm not I there's a lot that's being done sometimes in pornography that women are like that's not actually something I'm into it's like why we have to have these conversations because if men are learning their moves from porn they're not really learning moves like they're learning things that like stimulate their brain and give them the stimulation they need um but as a woman watching that it's just like yeah I don't that looks like that hurts like I don't I don't really want to do that or like why are they doing that and so that's why some researchers believe women are more inclined to watch gay uh pornography and so watching Men sometimes they'll watch women as well but men seem to be like a really safe one wow that's I never dawned me that was the reason um and then it can somewhat though be I mean I've said this a couple of times in this interview it can be somewhat confusing for a guy yeah where because to US based on exactly what you just said there's a massive difference between the fantasy and the reality the fantasy I'm like you just want to keep it as a fantasy you don't actually want it but I so I don't know do guys do that but also it is confusing for guys because my husband was like but you just said that was a fantasy and I'm like but babe I don't actually want it don't actually want it yeah no h so lots of people have fantasies about threes Suns they'll even fantasize about it like while they're having sex with their partner that they never want to have a threeome they just like the idea of it and so fantasies sometimes people they keep their fantasies private um sometimes they want to share it with their partner and sometimes they do want to act them out maybe they have a fetish that they would like to try all of that is normal and you know when it comes to keeping your fantasies to yourself sometimes that is what you need to make it hot to make it something that you're into and so um I've had women ask me like if I'm thinking about someone else like while I'm having sex with my partner does that mean I'm cheating it's not cheating it's not cheating if you're fantasizing about somebody else being present somebody else being engaged with you but the thing I caution people is that if you are only thinking about someone else the entire time while you have sex with this person then you really have to ask are you using this person as a means to an end just to have sex or are you actually wanting to have that Intimacy in that connection CU that's not fair that's not fair for you to be like I just want to engage this body while I go somewhere else with my mind but it is not uncommon for women to have all kinds of different fantasies running in their mind um and especially helping them get to orgasm and sometimes you need that because the distractions of like oh there's a noise in the house or I have children in the house or you know maybe somebody like might um hear us at a hotel or you know those kinds of fears sometimes you have to go into fantasy land to be like I need to like Escape that and that actually helps you get present with what's happening in the situation which seems odd to be like I have to go into fantasy to be present in my body but it's so that you're not constantly hid by all these distractions oh my God that's really powerful um because I never really thought about it like that and you kind of when when you don't have an expert like cute to talk to right like you get in your own head about what does this mean does you know but I'm turned on but I'm thinking about someone like it's it's very confusing for women and then again the second you get in your own head it's like are you able to be present to then actually enjoy that moment once you get in your head it's like so hard to come back right seriously um and you said it earlier um and maybe this is just like the very straightforward question so if a guy is listening right now how the hell do you make a woman come ah you ask her so that's like number one but um So based on the research there we have very little studies in women's medicine and then very little studies into women's sexual health um that we do have some research and every woman um who owns aola um will understand this that rhythmic motion so first touching the clitoris in a rhythmic Mo motion Slow and Low is the tempo like we want to keep it I just quoted the Beasty Boys right now but Slow and Low is the tempo so you want to start with you know like not not like super light pressure we're not trying to tickle but we don't want to go super firm so it's going to be slowly moving like your hand towards the clitoris and then low and slow movement um and you want to be rhythmic and so most women prefer either circular or back and forth um you can use one finger but most women prefer two or even even um all your fingers are the BM of your hand um you can retract the clitoral hood you can ask her to retract the clitoral hood but as you're doing this asking is this good do you like this do you want more of this and I think the hard part is that as you get excited as the as the person stimulating the clitters not to then speed things up or start changing things up I think that's um you know sometimes when men are about to climax they speed things up and they go faster and so like the their like this is my experience so maybe this is what's good for you as well when that's not always the case and so communicating so that's manual stimulation when I hear from people that are like but I want to make her come while we're having sex like I want to have like want to achieve that vaginal orgasm that Freud talked about and soe so with that there is research to show that if she orgasms before penetration she is more likely to have an orgasm during penetrative sex and and while most men in you know understand that to be true is that they have a they have a very long refractory period so that means once they orgasm they're not able to just go round two right away and so they'll think like oh that must be the same for her like once she orgasms it's going to be harder to get her there not true we have a shorter refractory period again the clitoris is always giving and Mama nature knew what she was doing and so you can stimulate her she an orgasm then you can go into penetration she is more likely to orgasm she may even have multiple orgasms and while you're penetrating you still want to stimulate the clitoris so you can try different positions she can do it herself you can do it yourself you can put a pillow under her hips in missionary so that things are more exposed or you can bring toys in and this is where men will say like oh I don't want to have to compete with a toy it is not a competition I'm like you're Batman and that is literally your utility belt like you just pull out from the utility belt like what is it going to be [ __ ] ring vibrator like what do you want like what works for you and so you should be seeing it as an it's not competing with you in any way and it is going to make things more pleasurable and in fact like with some men I'm like well have you ever like tried having any vibration present no no I'm like it works for you too like it is it's it's going to help you too so um those are just some of the things that you can do but like the number one is you just have to be asking do you like this are you into this because even though I'm like this is what like in general most people like she may be into something different that's amazing I love how you broke that down and then as you talking like we we all make it about ourselves yeah yeah right so it's like if the guy is able to get her to orgasm he feels good if he's able to get her to multiple orgasm he feels great if he's able to get her to multiple orgasm and squirting he feels like a freaking St right and so it's almost like it's you got me here and then vice versa for women like there is I remember where was like oh you can't get hard oh my god what have I done oh my God I must must be bad oh my God I can't turn you on it is me I'm the one and now thinking about the guy like I'm always trying to see it from both sides of it like even though we've been you know had our own rough time of it I do think of well then that's actually I feel bad for the guy as well because now you're making it about yourself and then as a woman you're like am I not sexy enough am I not tell you enough and then the guys think probably thinking no it has nothing to do with that and now everyone gets in their own head and now you're not having this beautiful like moment that could really have like be beautiful um how do we not make it about ourselves and like help that other person get there and I know you me say communication well I think you also have to you know practice throughout the day checking yourself when you start to make things so we're on social media right and somebody leaves us a comment oh my God like this is about me like how is this like they think this you know what people saying nasty things on social media it's about them like what kind of person goes onto someone else's page and leaves them hateful stuff not a well person not a well person but we make those kinds of things about ourselves so stopping that there thinking about all the ways that like you already do that in your day-to-day you're going to build that neuronal pathway so that when you get into that situation you will have the breaks to be like wait maybe it's not about me it's very very hard it is a very I think as women we are challenged with almost an impossible task which is loving ourselves and being confident in our bodies being confident in our relationships while we are inundated from messages in our society that constantly tell us that we're not good enough that we are the problem I mean even I mean we look at marketing from like the 1950s that was like you if you want to keep a man you need to douche like literally saying stuff like that like oh he'll leave the house if it smells down there and I'm just like I can tell you're a man writing this I already know like you really telling on yourself how little you understand about the female body yet that kind of undercurrent of marketing like that is pervasive right I mean we think about things that are like oh you know this is going to be like the age defying because heaven forbid you live long enough that you get old like what is that but it's the same way when it comes to sexual health and you know in the book I talked about um the you know the different things that we see so like um my so-called life vampire diaries like but for real like how are vampires getting erections and getting wet I just don't understand I don't understand this um that we see like all of these TV shows and we see all these things where there's no talk of consent there's no condom right it is just like see you you see me like we're making out o now we're having hot sex oh she orgasmed immediately and like everything is perfect and so we've got all an orgasm V vagina oh yes oh yes it's always like against the wall in like some like all these positions and I'm like but yeah I think that's probably going to get in some people's heads about like wow okay like I should be having this wild adventurous sex and so it's a challenge and we have to acknowledge that it's a challenge and the biggest thing is just to build the awareness and awareness and open Communication in your relationship and if you find that there's anything that seems like oh this is like this is not going according to plan change the plan so that's why I'm like here's all of these options of sexual experiences that people have like there are a lot of ways that people find pleasure they can get off like there's many ways to to hit the O um and there's many ways to just feel connected to your partner and so even if things I think that again it becomes this like we have to have vaginal penetration for it to be successful even the word foreplay it said like that word itself indicates that there is something more you might orgasm with foreplay you might both be satisfied with foreplay but because it's called foreplay the thought is like no this can't be enough like we have to get to the end we have to arrive at vaginal penetration which is like not true yeah that's so true the the blessing the curse of porn like I think porn's getting a really bad rap right now that yeah please let's do because I think that like anything it can be great it can be detrimental and so when I think about where we're potentially setting up women and men for failure it's there's definitely porn messaging out there that you can just wam bam thank you ma'am and you're good to you know you're fine um but then also there is that part of like porn can be pleasurable and porn can be part of the experience what if you have different opinions or point in your relationship yeah well gosh I mean as much as shame stigma there is on sex there's tons on porn even the fact that we're talking about this right now there's already going to be people heated in the comments because people feel very passionately well when they usually feel very passionately they're very much against it why is that well it's so the equivalent of men feeling they're in competition with a vibrator is how a lot of women feel about porn they're in competition with that and there is messaging from other men who are like porn ruins you in the way that like it will lower your testosterone it makes it so that you're not self-disciplined like all of these just like why they also are like you shouldn't masturbate it'll ruin your hormones and I'm like that's false it's good for your hormones men should masturbate or be having ejaculation happening like a dozen times a month for their prostate health like we know this like retention is not the way friends um so with that I think people there's a lot of um religious connotation there's a lot of Shame there's a lot of misunderstanding about porn of why people View porn there's a lot of money made in the porn addiction industry so there's actually there's no no uh real diagnosis for sex addiction and yet um sex addiction porn addiction masturbation addiction there are very uh very much many people with that messaging of pushing that out there making a lot of money off of doing that and so we've got that messaging as well and then of course there is unethical porn there is there is porn that nobody should be consuming it should be shut down and it should not ever exist um absolutely those exist but at the same time there is ethical porn there are companies that are being run by women who are paying women Fair wages that are making sure that women are protected and it's really amazing and I would say that you know growing up I definitely got the message of like porn is bad like I did not have a sex positive family I don't talk about sex and if you do we're going to shame you about it kind of family um and so I got that message as well when I was practicing in Oakland California I had a lot of PE patients come from the porn industry and I had no idea until I like got into conversations with them and they were all talking about how much they love their jobs how much they were like Families how it was like so satisfying and um it was really interesting to have conversations with people who were part of the industry and loved it so much and um to really see that like these things that people say about porn the people who are working like in the production I mean women working in the production and women who are actually like the stars um all really enjoying their job all really loving what they do and so I think you know if you look at other societies where they have better sex education so we just look at like Amsterdam better sex education access to sex workers um these things are important part of society and people hate that in the US they hate thinking that sex workers have a place in people's Health but people need that connection people need pleasure and sometimes that's the only way that they're satisfying things I think the problem comes is when we're lying about things we're in a partnership we're not being honest like those kinds of things are the problem um and hiding porn from your partner I think is also problematic and that will really seed even further where people are like porn is problematic why would you why would you hide it otherwise and it's like Shame Shame is why people hide these things but you're right so in in a partners ship you have to just have this conversation um porn has to be consensual you have to agree on the type of pornography you're going to watch and there has to be an understanding that if any one person says turn it off you turn it off and there and in anything you do consent can always be revoked and if you violate that that person says turn it off and you say oh just give it a few more minutes like you just burnt the bridge you just burnt the bridge it's done this person you have violated their trust in that because they need to be able to feel safe in this and so your partner might be like I can try this for 2 minutes and like then then we're good I actually have um in our house we have a rule about movies and TV shows like if we're going to start something we're iffy about it we're like five minute roll five minute Rule and we'll give it five minutes and after five minutes we'll check in and so that's just movies and TV you can also do that with porn five minute rule okay after five minutes we're going to check in do we want to is this working for us do we want to proceed and how much do you think that all of this needs to be discuss either before sex is in before you actually the act or before you actually start having a sexual experience with another person so I think so things are going to evolve so as you start a relationship you might not even know that you're like oh I might want to watch porn or I'm really into sucking Toes or like any of these you might not know that about yourself and being in this relationship with this person is revealing those things so as the relationship progresses now you know you're into this thing now you want to have the conversation you want to ideally have that outside the bedroom because this is something where I mean there can be trauma there can be a lot of issues that come up and if you make for a negative experience it's going to be harder to come back that's again right hormones are easier then then relationships coming back from that's going to be so much harder than um than talking about it beforehand so the ideal is before you're in the moment but sometimes things come up in the moment when that's when your brain is like we would really like this we should do this and that's where you ask like I would really be into this like do you want to try that or hey can I do this with you um you know things that get labeled as Kink is they're actually really common they like it's funny that we think like this is that like cedd King stuff so like spanking is part of Kink it's really common really common in relationships for people to enjoy spanking so I use that as an example of like you might be in the moment you're in a position and you're like I really want to spank this person you need to ask first you don't want to just spank someone and you want to start gentle again Slow and Low like keep it gentle um and then you can you can ask like you know would you like it harder like you know do you like that can I you know do you like it when I grab you like you know these kinds of things like that you're you're getting the consent and then you're getting the feedback in real time because you may get excited and think like oh this is a really you know great thing and I'm really into it and they're into it but if you're not asking or they're not giving you the cues and the feedback that is saying like I am in into this like you're going to run into a problem and now nobody's satisfied everybody's stopping and the Fun's done yeah what's happened in your body chemically when that happens so because I'm thinking through like in that moment right it's really heated it's like oh my God this is great and then the next day you're like oh actually it my my hormones led me astray and actually it was my body wanting but my mind now regrets it oh yeah that's super common you know I actually heard uh bernee Brown say the vulnerability hangover and I was like that's exactly what happens after sex like she's talking about oh you know talking about intimate things and being vulnerable and yet during sex you're so vulnerable and then you do thing right you do things and you're like oh my God I loved that that was so great and then the next day you're like what does that say about me and what do they think and like maybe I shouldn't have done that and maybe that's a bad thing and like oh God did I hurt my body in a way that I'll never come back from like we start to spiral in that way it can definitely happen but I think part of it too is that like when it's just like what people will call vanilla sex right missionary CIS heteros sex like that is something that we were told is acceptable is safe like is normal when you deviate outside of that there is the risk that afterwards you're going to think like oh gosh I really wish I really wish I hadn't done that now you may very well be like I wish I hadn't done that because I actually didn't enjoy that I actually didn't want it and that's a different thing of but I think that you know that that vulnerability hangover that after the fact like I don't have like all this dopamine and all these hormones floating around in my brain anymore not feeling that anymore now afterwards I'm end to remember that you're being a historian and going back and looking at the event now from the outside and judging it from the outside rather than the experience in the moment like you but you were consenting to these things you were in the moment it was good for you in the moment but now historian you puts on your little spectacles and it's like no you're a bad person for doing that cuz all of your belief system comes flooding back in everyone else's ideas about who you should be comes into play right yeah um what's happening when it's like you like the riskiness of it and like so my husband is actually a little conservative I'm the one that's like oh babe like there's a beach there's no one on the right like and and and it's interesting because growing up I never perceived that as being the the the right quote unquote Dynamic I always thought it's the guy that's adventurous right and then the woman's like well I'm not sure and then I met my husband and he kind of not laughed in a bad way but he was wow you're really freaking kinky and I'm just like yeah and you're not like and I it was surprising to me that my husband again just being from um a very traditional background I was brought up to think a certain way and so I actually thought oh my God Is it normal that I'm the one in the relationship that wants the kinkiness yeah no it is totally normal and it's those those exciting things too so that is um that like why do people ride roller coasters right it's terrifying your brain's getting all jostled around like you feel like you're going to die and yet here's this queue like like you know you're waiting for like two hours just to get on and experience that like you know two minutes of of just Terror right it's the same thing like it's exciting like it's something new and in relationships especially relationships that go for a longer period of time spicing things up changing things up finding ways to make ex um things exciting that's actually healthy it's a healthy thing to do and um you're a lot of women there's a lot of women who also get called kinky and things like like they're not supposed to be that way but it really doesn't matter it really doesn't matter what your gender is whatever you like and you're into and is happening consensually that's normal yeah thank you for saying that I feel good about myself now um and then I'd be remissed to not talk about the whiskey vagina I think you call it I thought it was so fun if you don't mind talking to me about that because um a I want actually guys to hear this because I'd heard it very much about guys that when they drink they have it's more common they're going to have erectile dysfunction but the whiskey vagina talk to me about that girl no totally right because the term is like whiskey dick that they'll say like you drink too much and now you cannot you cannot get an erection or you can't orgasm it's difficulty difficult orgasm the same thing can happen to women and this is where it gets problematic because a lot of times women go to their doctor they say like oh I'm having pain with sex I'm not enjoying sex like there's problems their doctor's like get some lube have some have some wine have a few glasses of wine and you'll be fine but actually when you're intoxicated it can be more difficult to self-lubricate more difficult to become aroused like you're using a substance that is affecting your nervous system it is depressing your nervous system so everybody knows like your reaction time is down right this is why we don't drink and drive very if you are drinking and driving please do not do that actually but this is why you know we say those things is because your reaction time's down you have depressed the nervous system well what's the CLI clitus a bundle of about 10,000 nerves so how is that going to respond to stimuli when you've used a drug that now is basically like numbing things out and so we can have issues with arousal tissue becoming engorged we can have the lubrication issue but it can be incredibly frustrating CU you're like I cannot orgasm it's been like 40 minutes and I'm getting raw like what is happening even in a Solo session it can be incredibly difficult to orgasm because you're intoxicated okay and so I assume multiple or orgasms is going to be even harder to have oh yeah yeah um and so talk to me about actually multiple orgasms and squirting cuz I just I'm just going to assume I'm can I lose Fe for myself but it's very interesting to go oh how can I figure out how to S like I was the person that started with I I'm the I can't orgasm I it's just not me I'm I'm one of those unfortunate people that can't right that's where I started from then I met my husband my life changed multiple orgasms out of you know whatever and then the squirting part is like okay okay is this a type of person that can do it is it something that you can train just like going to the gym um and then is it benefits to squirting yeah there's no known benefits to squirting so I'll just say that um some people I know right um but we haven't studied it much because even you know the jur is out of like is it just urine or is it like what is it um there seems to be some so there's some Ura in the fluids um but it's also has a sweet taste to it so it appears to be coming from the SK gland so that's all to saying you're not just peeing so people will be like oh you're just peeing no it's not just peeing cuz they've actually done Imaging finding that the bladder um someone empties their bladder they have sex they squirt but then they're like oh but then there was fluid in the bladder when we imaged again so it's all very confusing um and really like I mean so many people like to pathologize it or just make it like oh that's just a porn thing which in porn they will pee and they will um they will like push and bear down to make that urine squirt do not recommend you're going to destroy your pelvic floor and end up with urinary in incontinence at some point in your life but definitely as you age if you keep up that practice so not a good idea so in theory everyone should be able to squirt um but it's not something that like anything's wrong with you if you don't squirt um it sometimes takes certain positions sometimes there's toy stimulation happening um Sometimes women only experience it while they're pregnant where there's all this pressure all of this circulation down there sometimes women only experience it with anal sex so it really just depends wow with anal sex because it's pressing down that's the thing that I'm like huh Anatomy wise like where you are like why does it work why does it work that way um and it could be that there's clal stimulation that um you know there's penetration in the anus and then from that stimulation the skin glands they shoot off so to speak so I've always thought also about sweating about um from women who are more promiscuous is that true no no and that's something that like I feel like there's always some myth going around about being more promiscuous uh with women um you know whether it's like you're going to have a loose vagina you'll ruin yourself from Marriage um you're going to get more infections like and you cany at higher risk for STI and you you definitely you know more Partners you have same is true for men though same is true for men speaking of actually being loose I know that's one thing that a lot of I haven't had children so I don't really know um but I've heard that that's one thing that women paranoid about and so my question is just out of curiosity is it paranoia because they don't like the feeling or because they're worried they can't please their partner uh it's the lot in most cases um women are told all the time that like loose vagina is like the worst thing ever yeah the vagina doesn't really work that way I mean it's essentially an accordion of tissue like it expands um it passes a whole human and you will have more tissue because it expanded there's a lot of people who report better sex both Partners better sex sex after vaginal delivery um part of that may be because you got so comfortable with your body part of that may be because there is more tissue there another part is because things actually spread the clitoris is more exposed now um there was a lot more uh sensation there was a lot more hormones flowing in the body so there can be changes that are beneficial from that but I think what's really problematic is that you see I see all the time men on the internet being like oh you want it tight a tight vagina is the best and I always laughed cuz I'm like you really have no idea what you're talking about like this is another like tell me you don't know the female body without telling me because a tight vagina is not a ready vagina it is the equivalent of a flaccid penis like this is not somebody who is interested in anything that you have going on right now because things are being locked down I think about like you know the movie Alien and soury we's like running through like these like Port holes right and it's like closing in like that is the Volvo being like Oh my God alien like this is like we do not want anyone foreign in here right now and so that can actually be a sign then someone is not ready someone is afraid and um it sometimes can be a case of vaginismus and so we don't want a tight vagina when you become around the vagina actually tense so the um tissue expands the cervix will actually move back and it's all making it's like maybe there will be penetration we don't know but we're ready we're going to be ready either way that is arousal that is somebody who is into you that is like you've put in the work like things are ready to go if things are tight mm that's not it and that's I would say you know on the same vein of um talking about child birth um the husband Stitch I talk about this in the book I think it is it is a very gross practice in medicine there's still a lot of abuse of the female body especially in obstetric violence um when it comes to what Physicians do and the husband Stitch especially because it's often being done without consent is where they put an extra Stitch so if you tear or if they cut you which really has no evidence they shouldn't be doing that but if you tear cuz that does happen and they Stitch you up sometimes they're like oh put an extra Stitch at the top for your husband because it'll make sex better and ultimately what it actually does is it causes pain with sex and nobody has sex now there's actually no sex so tell me how you like modifying manipulating her vagina with a man only in mind not her body in mind doing it for her husband has actually helped anyone it hasn't now he's not having sex she hates sex like it's very problematic and know people getting like almost like plastic surgery on this like oh God yeah yeah this is the thing that I find really concerning is that um clitoral Anatomy isn't really taught in medical schools and it's not like we just are figuring it all out and yet you have surgeons out there with a knife cutting up this area so that it looks good without any real thought to how does it feel how does it function and that is very problematic I think in what medicine will do to women's bodies sometimes is it's more about the Aesthetics is it aesthetically pleasing um rather than thinking about the function cuz your vulva wasn't made to be stared at like your body isn't made to be looked at your body has all of these amazing functions that it performs and yet everything always comes back to like how does your body look how does your body look I this is something after I had my second child um and I had like you know I was 40 so very different collagen very different everything going on but I had a much larger postpartum belly afterwards and I took photos and I just shared it online and I'm like I just your body isn't made to be looked at it's not your body look look what my body accomplished and then when you think about sex as well are you having pleasurable sex are you enjoying it then who cares what it looks like down there if you're enjoying it and that is where I think um we're doing a really big big disservice the funny thing is so here's where I ended up on some CD websites and stuff uh so I actually like made a trip to Pornhub because when you look at why Physicians say labioplasty is happening so that's actually um taking away of the tissue of the labia what people call the lips mostly to get rid of the inner labia um so that it's tucked in all nice and neat I know right I I like can't help it like keegle every time I talk about it like my little vulva is like oh no oh no like it's terrifying to think about um and there are some women they do get it done because they are struggling with body image or they are having discomfort because there is such hypertrophy so I don't want to shame or dismiss anybody who's getting it done for those reasons and it has improved their life but what's problematic is that women are being told like oh like your vagina doesn't look your vulva doesn't look right so we're talking about the outer tissue your vulva doesn't look right therefore you need to have this surgery doctors are looking to porn and saying this is because of porn we blame porn for this so I was like well I want to know what do we have like trimmed up labia going on in porn no we do not I had saw I saw so much variety of vulvas and I found on PornHub they like voted like you know top vulvas um they didn't use the anatomically correct terms but we're we're doing that here and with that there was the like the top voted were was what people called the Audi vagina which is where the labia manora is actually on the outside and they voted everything was like so much variety and I went and I got my Net's Anatomy textbook and I opened it up and I was like it's us we're the problem here is a pink uniform and hav vulva that is only an innie and this is all we're showing in medicine you go to Medscape you go to like these websites these physician you know based websites and it is the white archetype of like uniform and color and everything neat and tucked away and and uniform and symmetrical and I'm like it's us we the it's not porn porn is like give me all the variety which is also to say that if you're a woman and you're concerned like my male partner you know is going to look at it and think um it turns out they're really into it they're really into the variety down there um that is what that is what you know per the porn surveys that men are craving so that is just that to me was like such a light bulb moment of like medicine is the one that only shows like this uniform perfect vulva like that is who is showing all of that and when you look at pornography it is is real bodies like and yes there is augmentation there is labioplasty there are breast implants like all of that happens but then there is also like all of these very real bodies where men are actually like I want to see a postpartum body like I want to see like these different changes which is what that outside of that sphere we are told something completely different right like it's like there's this like there's the truth that lies underneath the aesthetic of it all what's interesting though as you were talking I was like but actually I think they do a disservice to guys because at least in the porn that I've seen it's always like they're always huge and it's like I've heard you even talk about the the goldilux penis or whatever and I was like it's funny because porn may help women if you just watch it go look with ladies like there's all types like men like all this but with the guys I've never seen a guy that's like got a small penis it's always a gigantic now I'm like I have to go research that um my mind is it true yeah I mean it is like uh you think about like the movie Boogie Nights like the whole reason they wanted Mark wallberg um not because he was just Mark Wahlberg and he's beautiful um but because like you know he had a long Johnson like there was all this talk around that um it's so funny though when you talk to women women are terrified of large penises um and my friend who's a urologist we were in a conversation and I was talking about how like whenever people ask me if Size Matters I'm like it does because if it's too big and scary or like you have to make accommodation and like it's it's not the you know people are like oh if they have a micro penis it will be um you know horrible and and all of these things and it's like but you don't even orgasm from penile penetration like clitoris is the way so there's lots of people who are in Partnerships with someone who has a quote micro penis and and for people at home that may not know it's like what three Ines yes yes so it's it's you know not what you would see on the on the porn scale right where those are like 8 in plus um as as we're talking about this I'm like wow like I need to do more research but lots of people have very pleasurable sex with penises that size because the way to orgasm is cliteral stimulation so it's penis is not even required some people love penis some people don't like and that's really about personal preference but when I was talking to my friend who's a urologist he's like I hear that all the time he's like any man who has a a long penis that or a wide penis that is their biggest problem is they're like I cannot find a sexual partner because I don't want to hurt them like there's there's a struggle with that so you're right there is what we see in porn and that can be a big disservice to men but really that's like it's so ironic right because it's like we've got female bodies and we've got variation why is it that men want to see large penises like is this a power thing is this like like and um it's just so interesting to to think about that and how that's glorified and that might be another reason why women aren't watching the heterosexual porn is because big penises come really scary um you I mean I was just in conversation with two women yesterday and they were like oh yeah like I had to get out of relationships because his penis was too big and I was like I didn't know what to do with this and it was scary and it was hurting and I was just having problems and um in the book I talk about the onut which is an accommodation so you can actually slide that on and it's just basically like little spacer rings that you have a buffer there and then he's still getting stimulated he's get still getting pleasure but you're controlling the depth of penetration I'm like how did somebody not invent this like decades ago like this is such a needed device because it's a real bummer to have compatibility with somebody um in all the ways and then sexually it's incredibly frustrating and you can't have pleasurable sex together and I know there's people who are like that's so superficial and that shouldn't matter it does matter it is a part of the relationship that does matter that can be part of the you know the shame spiral that you can get into yeah I'm glad that you said that cuz that's what I was going to add is that like then like where already dealing with and things that we've spoken about so much today right is how much shame and guilt that we have over things because we've been told a certain way which actually isn't true and like again I'm always trying to see it from the other side I'm like I actually get the problem with the guys cuz they they're seeing porn where they're seeing Oh my God look at this guy he's like you know 10 Ines or whatever he's making women squirt left right and Center that's what a quote unquote man must be and so now if I've got whatever size I'm now either less than or I'm comparing um and then thinking about the people the guys that have the micro penis like that really [ __ ] sucks for them because women have been T shown in porn that actually what makes a man again I'm doing quote unquote for anyone just listening is the bigger the better and I'm now thinking about how that does the men are disservice and then they feel the shame and then what they bring into the the bedroom right with the confidence part of it I'm sure then just changes everything yeah well I mean if you think about just how much people are shamed about their bodies in general and then you take it to the genitals and it's a whole Next Level right I mean it is I think when it comes to genital shame it is just as bad for men as it is for women I think there's a lot more um euphemisms and jokes that have been thrown around about female anatomy and then have been able to dominate spaces where they throw that around and so that has been something I think has gotten more attention but I mean it is it is completely socially acceptable to shame somebody for having a small penis when you look at what happens in media when you look at what happens um just in conversations online is that socially it's okay to have a laugh about that and it really shouldn't be yeah the last thing is where is a g spot oh highly debated does it even exist yeah so um so it used to be thought that like on the anterior wall so belly button side um about like you know about the two knuckles in maybe a little bit further there there's a G-spot this is now very highly debated because now now that we understand the clitoris isn't just this little button but it's like this Wishbone structure that comes down the question is now is it actually the clitoris like is it actually the internal clitoris that has been being stimulated and so this is something that like you will see I mean people fight about this like they get big mad about like no of course there is a G-spot no there's no way there's a G-spot like that's just misinformation and like and what people trying to help you have better sex is that like horrible the what it comes down to is that I'm like if you find that's pleasurable who cares what spot it is like who cares what spotted is if you find it pleasurable there's some people who like their cervix um stimulated they find that incredibly pleasurable um there's people having nipple gasms there's people thinking off like whatever it is if you if you can check the box that that was pleasurable for me it's normal and who cares what we call it or what we name it like you don't have to have like I feel like that is part of like you know what magazines and everything do is they've got a name like you know the next best orgasm like the corgasm you can get off by working out and I'm like it's a very spontaneous thing nobody's intending to they're just like doing a core exercise and then they're like something just happened or the peag gasm which is where you uh have to pee so bad um usually this happens like in the middle of the night you wake up and you're like I'm having an orgasm and that's because like there is just so much stimulation happening there I don't advise that don't try for a peas I'm holding your bladder that long you're going to end up with UTI that's bad news just work on what feels good for you what's pleasurable for you and if you're in a partnership the boxes you check is that it was consensual and we both enjoyed ourselves and then we do not worry about what we're calling the you know what we're labeling things whether it's Kink whether it's not Kink what your doctor would say about it what your mom would say about it like we just don't care don't care it's normal it's normal girl where can people find you everything you're doing and your amazing book is this normal click here right now to learn how to actually fix bad sex 95% of men orgasm when they have sex and usually it can take them 5 minutes with women it's 65% of women only have orgasms and it usually takes us around 18 minutes