[Music] like millions of brides around the world in March 2020 I canel my wedding but unlike these Brides I was relieved my fiance was a tall dark handsome man a nigerian-american doctor he came from a great family was well educated treated me like a queen and when he got down on one knee and proposed to me in Aruba I felt like I was living in a dream things were great until they weren't by the time the wedding rolled around I was no longer Charmed by our differences I was horrified he wanted a fancy high-rise apartment downtown I wanted something more affordable in case anything happened with one of our jobs I wanted a small intimate wedding his guest list alone was 200 people and in Nigerian culture it's customary to have two ceremonies 200 people two ceremonies you can see how the costs were adding up fairly quickly when I asked about savings and retirement planning he told me that he had a life insurance policy but one of his family members was the beneficiary and would remain the beneficiary and if anything were to happen to him that family member and I would have to figure it out and to be clear most of these things are not wrong and I'm not saying that he is a bad person what I am saying is that although we were compatible in many ways we were not compatible financially and then the pandemic struck and rather than face the shame and embarrassment of falling off not one but two ceremonies we just told everyone that we would reschedule once this whole pandemic thing blew over and then we just never did but this experience taught me a valuable lesson you don't really know someone until you have seen their finances and I mean all of their finances money is one of the most taboo topics in society think about it do you know how much money your closest friends make have you told them how much money you make have you ever lied to a friend girlfriend boyfriend about your salary added a few zeros to make yourself feel better maybe removed a zero to make yourself more relatable do your friends know how much credit card debt you have better yet do you know how much credit card debt you have do you we hide the truth about money from everyone even ourselves having a money conversation with your partner may be the most vulnerable discussion that you have had with anyone ever because it's not really about the money our money is a record of how we live our lives what we care about who we care about how we think about our future our relationships our safety and our goals being financially compatible means that you have learned how to share your deepest thoughts with your partner to show them all of you and to be seen in return since leaving my almost husband I have helped hundreds of couples as a premarital financial counselor I helped them get clear on finances and have thoughtful conversations around money instead of another blowout fight my job is a weird combination of the hard skills that I developed while pursuing my MBA working for a big four accounting firm and doing Financial auditing for a Fortune 100 company and what I have learned is this if you can communicate about money you can communicate about almost anything so today I going to share three tips to help you improve your communication around money and relationships the three don'ts before saying I do and if and if you're already married don't panic it is never too late to heal old money wounds and Char a new course together tip number one do not ignore red flags and people always say Leah give me the list where are the answers so that I can score my partner but the reality is red flags a relative you get to determine what they are if I love cats which I do and my partner loves cats then that's not a red flag but if I love cats and my partner hates cats that's a red flag true story I had a cat named Butters and I actually stopped dating guy because he told me I don't do cats so I told him well I don't do [Music] you and he got very upset about that but we just weren't compatible in that way that was a deal breaker for me and you get to determine what the deal breakers are for you but as a financial counselor there are common red flags that I have observed like refusing to talk about money if you initiate a money conversation with your partner what happens are they open and receptive or do they shut down and refuse to talk about it as a single woman I am talking about money in some capacity on the very first date and yes I know that sounds extreme but let's be honest at least one of you is probably thinking about sex during the first date right if that's not taboo then why is money money is just as important or more than sex look I have a motto if we can't talk about money we can't talk about sex and it goes back to what I said earlier it's not just about the money when we discuss money with our partners we're really discussing our future and our goals together we're building trust and what is sexier and more romantic than that you say talk dirty to me I say talk money to me and it's almost impossible not to money literally touches every aspect of our lives and these early conversations don't have to be weird or awkward you can have them or start them by just sharing information about yourself I recently sold a house so if a date says hey what are you doing this weekend I would like to see you again I would say I just sold my house I'll be moving out naturally the conversation will turn to home ownership interest rates the state of the economy he will divulge information about himself is he a homeowner is he a renter is he saving to buy a house you can also learn a lot through observation who pays for the bill does he tip does he talk about big financial goals or is he more of an in the- moment type of person all of these things will give you insight into someone's money mindset maybe there's a red flag maybe there isn't and the same is true for financial obligations child support spouse also support spoken and unspoken expectations of adult children caring for aging parents Mortgage Debt student loan debt you need to be crystal clear on who owes what to whom when and how often when determining financially Financial compatibility two more serious red flags are One Financial infidelity which is lying about money to your partner this includes lying about debt income hiding big purchases like those Amazon packages I know and number two Financial abuse and financial abuse is when one partner controls the other partner's access to money through lying stealing and coercion and financial abuse is no joke it occurs in 99% of domestic violence cases and to me is the biggest of red flags But ultimately you get to determine what the red flags are and even if you and your partner have differing views on money that does not mean you're financially incompatible once you become clear on these differences you can begin compromising and developing solutions that work for the both of you tip number two do not leave yourself unprotected many people think that prenuptual Agreements are for the rich rich I disagree prenups don't just just look backward in time they look forward as well you may be broke today but hopefully in 10 to 20 years from now you will not be and the central question around most prenuptual agreements is how you will divide what you accumulated during the marriage in the event of a divorce and that's income debt and assets and I know you're probably thinking I love my partner we would never screw each other over in a divorce says every couple that screwed each other over in a divorce but the loving thing to do is to make those legal Arrangements now and here's something that you may not have thought about but you actually already have a default prenuptial agreement depending on where you live it's your state or your country's family laws and wouldn't you rather decide what's best for your family than a judge I have spoken to countless stay-at-home moms they have been out of the workforce for 10 plus years their old work skills are obsolete they have a huge gap on their resume and no real Professional Network to help them find a new job you get $430 a month in child support that's the national average that is it begins to cover Child Care clothes food shelter medical bills that's why it's important to protect yourself and your children in the event of a divorce or death prenups post post nups the state plans are great ways to do this depending on the age 50 to 64% of men will remarry within 5 years of being divorced or widowed and do you want your husband's new wife making financial decisions for your children I don't so that's why it's important to protect yourself and your children even if you don't feel like you need to right now prenups postnups estate plans they're like insurance you hope you don't need them but if you do you will be so happy that you had them and if your partner has an allergic reaction to this idea Circle back to tip number one do not ignore red plags and last but certainly not least don't be afraid to walk away and it's hard it is so hard and it hurts I know my fiance and I met in college we had known each other for 15 years when we broke things off I lost my best friend when I canceled my wedding but you can't let the fear of the unknown keep you in a situation that fundamentally does not work and please whatever you do don't fall into the Trap of calling a flag pink rose blush instead of calling it the red flag that it is and just because I left my fiance does not mean that you have to rather the whole point of the work that I do is to prevent Couples from being in the situation that I was in and there is good news even if you and your partner have differing views on money you can still have a successful relationship most conflict in relationships stems from not having much needed conversations or having conversations but ending them too soon I encourage you and your partner to have one courageous conversation around money this week and I say talk openly honestly and do not stop until you have reached Common Ground if you can communicate about money you can communicate about almost anything good communication is the key to a lifelong and fulfilling relationship and isn't that what we all really want thank [Applause] you