Transcript for:
Transforming Shyness into Confidence

i've been working on myself since 2006. okay i'm originally from switzerland the french part of switzerland uh started out extremely shy that's back in 2006 15 years ago and i've been on this 15-year journey of really improving at first my social skills and then all areas of life and since 2010 i've been traveling around the world teaching this to people just like yourselves where my typical week prior to this whole situation that we're in was every single week i'm in a new country flying into a new city i arrive i'm doing an event on thursday usually a free event then working with clients at night after that friday working all day all night saturday sunday more events and then it's off to the next city and that has been my life for again a decade okay literally traveling around seen tens of thousands of people face to face millions online if you count social media and youtube and it's reached a point where i've seen it all okay when it comes to true transformation and this is something that seems to be forgotten nowadays is you know it's 2021 and if you go on social media you go on youtube everyone in their mom is a coach right everyone and their mom and they have a few clients and i think that's cool i think it's great okay i support anyone who wants to be of service who wants to be a coach however what we tend to forget is in order to be a coach you do need to have certain reference experiences in terms of how many people you've actually coached you can't say your coach if you have say one client or two okay you need a ton of references that's my job since 2010 tens of thousands of references face to face like this no matter who you are what you're dealing with being very modest i've seen it before and i've dealt with it before this used to be me okay this is me back again in my early days some of those photos were actually a couple years in already working on myself and like i've said if i really want to describe to you the mindset that i used to live in perhaps this was you perhaps this is you i was extremely shy and stifled like since as far as i can remember since i was a kid right since probably the age of five six at school suddenly something happened and i decided to just clam up and i got so socially shy and awkward that i even experienced social anxiety around family members you know everyone's like i'm kind of scared to go say hi to someone new i was scared for a holiday a family gathering when you know oh the cousins and the aunts and grandparents everyone's coming like that would give me anxiety people are looking forward to the holidays not me okay same at school same later on in like again high school university extremely shy that was the reality that i lived in i would not and this is why i also want to give everyone here some props i would not have made it out to an event like this especially nowadays with everything going on even if this event was right outside my house say back in switzerland i'd be way too scared to even walk outside the door and show up in person because i would be thinking everyone in this crowd is now judging me staring at me oh where do i stand i'd be sitting in the back probably the shadows scared and as soon as perhaps the speaker would stare in my direction i would look down or hide under the table it was that bad and i know this can be a little hard to believe because you see the videos now and you're like okay that's cool what can i learn but i really want to show you this to hammer the point home that it's possible and this is huge this is the foundation when it comes to true personal transformation you have to truly deep down inside gun to the head what's the truth believe that you can do it and i can guarantee you because you're here there's definitely a part of you that believes however this is what i've noticed in so many clients you believe that you can only change a little bit you'll see some people do like a full 180 and you're like whoa that's crazy and inspiring but on your end you're like well if i do the same thing as that person maybe i'll get a 10 result and there's not that true belief that you can become again that dream ideal version of yourself and if you don't believe it it doesn't matter what you hear here today it doesn't matter what content or what routines or what techniques you add to your life you're not going to change more than what you actually believe so i'm going to show you here at first and we're going to be going really deep think of this whole speech here is this odyssey diving into again my journeys things i've seen in clients how things have evolved epiphanies i've had take this with you but it all starts with the earlier days okay that used to be me and if you see this and in your mind you're thinking wow i'm a little bit better than that good if you're a little bit better than that if you put the work in you if you perhaps look up to me here should be better than me okay so i went from that to living my dream life okay no joke in switzerland again when i was shy i would lie in bed and i think about all the cool things like oh if i could have cool friends if i could travel if i could have different relationships if i could meet someone if i could do all these cool things ah but i'm stuck in switzerland this is the stuff i would dream of and fantasize about every single day every single night and it made it happen okay life my dreams and i've taught it to once more thousands of clients this used to be me a little bit more my favorite photo if you've been following by the way some of my youtube lives is the cactus photo literally i think that photo is just the most classic photo of all time i will keep showing this photo till the day i die i'm like that used to be me and i don't know how i thought at the time that was a good idea i'm like whoa see this cactus if i just stood next to it that'd be the cool it just okay that used to be me too okay up here in the corner of the cap that's when i first moved to los angeles all right then somehow i decided it cool to dye my hair on the very right that was in phoenix when i first started going out and working on my social skills with the oversized white jacket and this weird necklace and literally in that photo i thought i was so cool by the way that's a few years in already working on myself i thought i was so cool i was like i got this handled if you see that and you're like wow i'm a little bit better off good because that's a few years in of me already working on myself intensively okay and then of course at the bottom jeff's good old van okay um that's my background i also was very childlike when i started out and very destructive during a seared period of time okay the video i'm going to crack into here this is a short one this is in san francisco in a taxi cab with owen and i'd gone out the night before and i was drinking at the time drank way too much and he filmed this the next day and while filming this we talked about after it's like you will want to cherish this footage you'll be able to show the transformation did it and in a moment i'm just some kid i'm like i guess so okay and here i am showing it okay so this here was where i was at a few years in you're gonna see the type of mentality it's like oh that literally looks and sounds like a dumb kid notice once more the change and put yourself there in the same shoes like are you further along than that and if so you can do so much better if that kid can turn into this okay that little caterpillar can turn into a butterfly so can you how do you feel right now pretty good what if i drank monster i feel bad but unfortunately i'm forced to live off vitamins which doesn't help monster wood beast mode tonight beast mode never again the beast he unleashed so you're making me laugh i feel even worse oh [Music] this is me starting to travel with oh and helping him out on different events that's my background gets worse you can see it has like strange rust stains on the front and actually yo what's that like trash body factory what do you have to say for yourself that's what you have to say for yourself a random metal bar what do you guys think yo whoever can guess correctly what this metal bar is for we'll get it i don't know uh a personal a personal email from julian i was like so cool dude i literally thought i looked so cool by the way i'd wear that all the time and i thought i was like a hunter and literally walked around thinking i was a hunter um now okay that's the background okay and it's so key by the way there's more of this but we always tend to compare ourselves with people where there are now and we're like oh how could i ever be that or do this and everyone does this by the way but you got to train yourself to look behind the scenes okay you right now if you're just starting out or even just a few years in that's probably where you're at and think of the potential of what you could actually become it's a hundred percent possible okay no one's cut from a different cloth well one person can do another person can do you know even look at people who are like say more successful like how do they do it right or how are they so disciplined it's like you can do that too and you really got to believe it and let go of any kind of limitations that tell you maybe it's different for you okay now this year was just in terms of the vibe starting out also when i started working and say recording myself or doing seminars i was so shy stifled i almost wasn't able to and i almost wasn't fully hired because of it there was a moment no joke where owen sat me down again i was traveling around helping him those videos there and he's like okay let's start recording some actual vlogs okay let's go on youtube social media is going to be this thing let's put videos out there and i could not talk in front of a camera the camera and the fact that i knew people would see it triggered the exact same anxiety that i've been working on overcoming for the past few years but it was amplified right because there's a certain anxiety where like okay if i just go talk to someone i'm a little anxious you can kind of work through that and then it's like oh i'm gonna do this and it determines you know your career your life and hundreds or thousands of people or tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands are gonna see it don't mess it up go and then you're staring at this thing that's a camera and you're like there's no reaction i can't read it am i doing good couldn't okay this is one of the first attempts i created this little blog back then it was called julianlife.com uh and i'm like okay i just need to record no joke this is it a 30-second welcome video where you just arrive on the site you see me and i'm like hey i'm julian uh working with owen uh if you want to hear some cool updates enjoy that's it this is what happened yeah this is julian uh welcome to my blog i'm here in los angeles right now on the rooftop of my apartment as you can tell by the view in the background and i want to share with you here some of my ideas experiences you know anything that has been working for me and they'll hopefully help you out as well so check the blog i'll be updating it regularly every tuesday and thursday and i hope you enjoy one more take one more take so check the blog i'll be updating it regularly with ah this is julian welcome to my blog i'm here in los angeles right now on the rooftop of my this is julian welcome to my blog i'm here in los angeles right now on the rooftop of my apartment as you can tell by the view in the background try it on the rooftop and i'm like okay time to do an actual v-blog and the first time i tried was san francisco way too scared to do it i set up the camera people were staring couldn't do it then went on this mini european tour where i did copenhagen stockholm and then prague and i tried recording this this is my very first v-blog in all those cities couldn't in san francisco couldn't in copenhagen couldn't in sweden this is going to be the swedish attempt but and finally i could in prague and if you've been following me for a long time that was the very first video i ever put out and it was called the moment of realness okay so this is me trying to do this moment of realness show up set up this is in sweden camera's on way too shy way too scared okay what up hi can you wait let me get in soon this is julian just julian and i want to talk about some of the basic this is so weird couldn't do it and again just staring there it's like people walking by i'd be all quiet i'm like we got to do it again another take and would just fail okay and then some other last little attempt here thoughts that was perfect yes i don't want to be in this one like using a stick versus just being yourself and especially being filmed yourself move things forward and in your self integrity instead of using the shtick and moving things forward so still having your boundaries yeah so same thing couldn't even look into the camera stuttering a bit right it's like oh and this like wavering that's where i come from and this here is already 10 times better than my earlier days this is like 2010-11 that's already four years in working on myself okay not to put a leg negative label i wasn't the most hard case person i've seen but i was definitely a hard case newbie but i did have some things going for me that allowed me to move up and surpass people who were even a bit ahead of me when i first started okay um so there we go for the clips and i hope you a little clap for at least those now so let's get into some of the the concepts here okay the first one and you can sense it from these clips and even if you've been following me after that some of the other videos i put on the few years after the frame overall is very competitive this is huge okay these clips here the whole theme is i'm in a very competitive state where here i am and it's me versus whoever's gonna watch this video where i immediately assume that people are out to get me people are judging me people are criticizing me people are gonna think something very negative in me unless i prove them wrong and it's this whole battle me versus it would happen even back in the day on stage i'd go in front of a crowd like this and it said to me like okay how's it going welcome everyone i would be preparing at the back like okay must conquer must dominate they all hate me they're all gonna think i'm not good enough unless i prove them wrong and i'd go up and it'd just be this very force tonality okay you can optimize this paradigm and that's what i did at first it was me versus same worries same insecurities but i'd be battling against it okay can anyone relate so far by the way raise your hand if so right or you can also test yourself if you walk into a new venue right say you go out you want to meet someone you walk into a venue how do you experience it for a lot of people it's you walk in and suddenly right your heart starts beating you start looking around you're like are people staring where do i stand do i fit in what's okay oh maybe i should go over there who should i say hi to and it's u-verses it's this very hostile environment this very scary environment right and then from that place what do people do they try to work on their social skills right they try to get out of their head they try to stop worrying they try to build momentum so on and so forth but they're still in that competitive state as opposed to and you can achieve this walking into a venue and instead of that immediate oh me versus it's ah everyone's on my side hey how's it going and just completely at ease okay that there that collaborative state is where you want to move towards and you've all had glimpses of it right it's crazy too let me know if you have this experience you go out and at first it's very competitive you're like oh my god it's such a scary environment say you take some action maybe 30 minutes later maybe an hour later say you get in state you're in the zone same environment but suddenly you see it completely differently no suddenly you're having fun you're looking around it's like everyone's my friend because you got yourself in that other state anyone experienced that same environment that was so scary at first later on you feel very comfortable in it right shifting from competitive to collaborative and we're gonna go deeper on that but that is definitely the theme here now the other one that i mentioned is i kept going okay there's a few things especially this is for those of you who are starting out that you really need to get in check number one be selfish meaning want this for you that's something i had and this is something funny enough with social media that less and less people have where you see for example someone on youtube someone on instagram someone you might be like oh i want to learn that i want to learn from that person i want to be like that and instead of taking that and applying it you just end up worshiping that person right oh let me learn more about this let me see them more oh let's see what they're doing other people other people and you never take it and apply it to yourself for me yeah i look up to other people i'm inspired by other people but i always take what i'm learning and i apply it to me you gotta be selfish it's like no no i'm not using all this as another kind of fantasy watching this cool movie it's i'm going to do it so my life becomes the movie and once more you also got to believe that's possible if you're like well maybe my life could be a little bit better but it won't be as cool as that person's movie bs no matter who you look up to you can live just as epic of a life if you apply it if you're selfish so even throughout this whole weekend this whole event everything you're hearing from me or the other speakers ask yourself how can i apply this to my life how can i incorporate this how can i do that how can i be like that me me me me me this is the one circumstance where you can always just say bring it back to me and actually be selfish the other thing being selfish is being relentless keep at it right so many people give up or start feeling sorry for themselves this is very classic if you're someone who's in a state of grief or victimhood right i talk about this in my mentoring program there's grief okay you can say grief fear and anger grief is the victim land where it's a very disempowering force right you might take some action and maybe you get a couple rejections or you might try recording a video like this and the first few tries don't really work and every time it doesn't work you just feel down and a little bit more down and there's like this force pulling you down and then you're like ah screw it and you just feel sorry for yourself and you go cry yourself to sleep that's one instead use that as motivational fuel and you can actually shoot up instead of grief to a more productive anger where one person that might happen they're like oh it sucks it's so hard the other person that happens they're like again again oh it doesn't work again and every time they fail they use that as fuel i've seen it for years too when people go out right it's like they go out hey nice to meet you and they're like no no thanks they're like okay let me go home the other one's like again let's do this they use it as fuel the things that will get you ahead are very simple but difficult to execute on okay be selfish don't go into grief keep going and then number three and this is huge take responsibility meaning it's on you never look for someone to do it for you and this here links to of course victimhood you hear this right if you're a victim you're giving your power away and if your power is in the hands of someone else or some circumstance there's nothing you can do about it but here's a very subtle approach that people who are still in that state take even in the self-help world they're still victims right it's like oh i suck i can't do it on my own and then what do they do they look for a mentor they look for a coach they look for a program to do it for them but that doesn't get to the cause because you're still a victim what you're simply doing is i don't have any power i'm so helpless and powerless right this learned helplessness it's other people i would if that didn't happen or if this person didn't do that i'm so powerless and then you find out about self-help and you're like coach do it for me now let's just say the coach actually does some stuff for you nothing truly ever changes because the power is now in the coach not you so yes you got to get mentors and coaches of course i mean you're insane if you don't but never expect them to do it for you get the guidance get the feedback it'll obliterate so many blind spots but the responsibility is always on you you've got to reclaim that power okay and this applies no matter what excuses or shortcomings you may have right i had so many excuses back then too oh my god i'm too shy so and so i'm like no no i can do this on me very easy to fall into this victim trap because you just give your power away and it just lets you off the hook instead of being like oh i could actually improve it's well i could but and you just hand your excuse off to someone or a situation reclaim the power right now there's nothing stopping you from enhancing whatever aspect of your life it is nothing and it's fully in your control nothing that happened to you in the past is also hindering that it only is if you believe it and those were fortunately some stuff that i had i had that going for me very very lucky i'm like you know what i had that persistence like for me it was so bad before this that i couldn't go back there was no alternative and funny enough i've said this for years there really isn't right you know about this now you've seen behind the curtain if you don't take action on a lot of this content on a lot of these ideas now that you see the way you see the path you're gonna live every single day of your life knowing that you could have you're going to live it in regret and you're going to try to rationalize your way out of it right you've seen me on the current everyone see the movie wizard of oz right you've seen behind the curtain you can't go back i can actually improve my life if you don't now you're screwed you wish you could go back before finding out about all this and live in blissful denial but now it's too late now that you know there's actually a path if you don't take it your life will be very very very miserable more than those who don't even know about self-help because you know there's a path that you're not taking i reminded myself that all the time like there is no going back right although yes it's a fun process so especially when it comes to socializing it's fun but also very serious for me it was life or death like i put myself in situations that scared me so much in order to grow because even though that might be scary and uncomfortable it beats the alternative okay and then i was also very fortunate where i took a lot of action i was able to know in terms of myself what my strengths and shortcomings were and how to balance that out to still take action and i put my ego aside and i would always always always look and ask for help no matter what even if the help or feedback that i got wasn't necessarily what i wanted to hear the more challenging the better okay and this is actually very important there's i see this sometimes too say on the mentoring program where someone will start and then it's like a few weeks in and changes start seeping in and when change seeps in there's good stuff of course but there's also some chaos right if you right now step into whatever it is that ideal version of yourself there's gonna be a lot of benefits but in terms of how your life is right now there's also gonna be some adversity and some chaos right it's not all gonna be peachy and what people do is when they enter that phase and suddenly oh you know things are kind of changing or people are reacting to me or oh there's this friend we're really close with we're a little bit less friends now is something going bad they go back to that no no no if you want to change if you want to transform whatever your current life situation is now your current circumstances are here now you want to destroy that there is going to be adversity there's going to be some chaos because you're going against that if it was all peachy uncomfortable that's you staying in your comfort zone so you keep going most people wouldn't okay if it does get uncomfortable good if people around you suddenly start looking at you differently good and good and bad good don't go back to how things were before keep on going okay so those are the mindsets they had starting out and i just went really hard okay and i went really hard in this competitive state of mind okay this competitive you could say frame and you can optimize that and that funny enough is where a lot of the self-help industry is at today and the socializing social skills industry is here today okay and i'll give you some evolutions over the years so if you just take social skills or or anything basically just write this down okay the truth changes you could write down or the advice changes as you grow and one thing that will keep people trapped is they'll know that it's changing but their their comfort zone will be just hanging on to old advice and they just won't seek out the new stuff okay so one thing that i had going for me that owen has going is we're always seeking the latest technology the most cutting edge information and we're never just like okay this is it we just keep on growing and growing and growing and if there is a better way we will immediately implement it and there will be no ego attachment to old ways that weren't as efficient here's a classic example of that if you take social skills way back in the day right this is like 20 years ago 30 years ago everything was about your lines right hey learn these lines and you'll be great socially and people would memorize lines and try to perfect lines and even go online on different message boards and exchange notes over optimizing their lines they'd even have little stories and sticks and routines that they would perfect and that there was at the time the best advice when it comes to social skills okay i started working on myself towards the later end of that but that's how i started out right when i started oh my god i'm so shy i want to talk to people i went online and i started looking up all these little lines and i started perfecting them right the first time i ever said hi to a stranger i used this old line it was this old opener called the david bowie opener you ever hear that one right i thought by the way this is the coolest magical line that's going to get any stranger to like me and hearing it now you're just like what were you thinking this is it you go up to a stranger and you're like hey um so do you like david bowie right like i guess so you're like well you know my sister has a poster of david bowie on her wall and he's kind of old right is it weird that she likes old men that was it that was it now i'm from switzerland so i changed it to john yalide and uh a french guy and uh i did the same thing and i would no joke i'd be in my room and i'd be writing it out word for word including the pauses everything and i'd be practicing it out loud on repeat i probably said it no joke 200 times in my room before ever even going out and attempting to say it to a stranger that's the reality i was in okay so all about the lines all about the lines and then you'd look online and no joke people would post their little story there'd be tweaks some would be like you know put a pause there instead and there'd be other cool stories and there was one where it's like the best friend test hear that like oh are you guys best friends because you have the same facial expressions hahahaha that was that was one where i was like that's amazing okay so practice all that if you want just a link to my my whole journey once i'd said it 200 times out loud i finally went out i'm like this is it you're finally going to ask someone if they like david bowie or janiellide and i'd walk out in the street and then it was a few weeks of me walking around unable to ask anyone this question unable way too scared i'd walk around and you know this is like during the day so people like you know let me say hi to this person and i'd be too scared and they'd pass me and then i tried like follow them like look for a better opportunity to say hi and i was just this creepy person no joke walking around like trying to ask someone like do you like like david bowie and just like way too scared for weeks then i finally surrounded myself with people who were taking action right they gave me the kick in the butt to finally do it and i asked the very first person ever if they liked gianidae and it lasted 30 seconds i was like oh do you like this and they were like i guess i guess so like is it weird if my sister did it like no i guess that's cool you know he makes music and then i was very ballsy i'm like let me follow up with the next one by the way are you guys best friends and they're like yes i'm like oh you make the same facial expressions i have a good one and i left 30 seconds that was the first time i ever said i had a stranger now that was the build up okay and at the time once more was all about the stories and lines one thing i did have going for me then by the way is i celebrated those 30 seconds for i want to say weeks most people be like oh it's nothing it's just 30 seconds for me comparing it to the old me i'm like this was such a huge achievement i thought i was a god after that i'm like i can do anything like if i ask someone if they like johnny i can do anything now things evolved from there okay everyone's like well you know what i guess when it comes to social skills it's cool if you use some lines and all but then you're still giving your power away to the lines it doesn't really change who you are as a person in terms of core confidence right because you're still telling yourself i'm not good enough i can't say hi to strangers unless i have this magical line so the power is in the line all right it also comes off very creepy uh that was the frame so then people started shifting too well instead of taking these pre-made lines and stories make up your own and i went through this whole shift as well i'm like you know what you're right i got to make it my stories so instead of saying are you best friends or david bowie i started writing stuff down on my own right and now what was the new way that i said hi to people like excuse me do you speak french i'd say this in french right because against switzerland they'd be like yes cool nice to meet you it shifted to that and then i'd experiment around and have my own stories but it was still in the lines then it shifted to hey it's not about the lines whether it's yours or someone else's it's about the principles underlying those lines if you actually work on confidence directly it doesn't matter what you say so notice how there's been a shift now in the advice it's all about the lines no no it's about how you say the lines sub-communications principles so on and so forth and that there was and still is to a massive extent today where the advice is and that there produces a lot more results right you also hear a lot of state management techniques right building momentum you know there's all these like there was a video we put out like the three p's right um there's videos like okay how to get out of your own head how to never run out of things to say right and so on and so forth and there's all these techniques when it comes to state management oh if you feel stifled oh if you like that person's outside your league do this do this do this okay oh you go out and you feel in a very competitive state build momentum talk to a bunch of people and you'll get in a collaborative state and that's all great too however it then evolved and this is why you've been hearing me talk about for years now owen talked about for years now letting go and it baffles me when i mention for example oh you know here's a video and i talk about letting go and say it's on youtube and there might be a comment like oh i wish it was about social skills i miss the social skills i'm like how do you not see that letting go is social skills that's the latest technology but funny enough and those who have been around this for again ten years or so you remember this when it shifted from lines to principles there was so much resistance in the whole socializing self-help community people just wouldn't accept it people would still say no no it's the lines no it's the lines no it's the lines there'd be videos about principles or articles and all the comments like oh but we want the lines what's your line now it's shifted to that letting go oh but what about the principles letting go but what about building momentum letting go and here's we have to realize letting go is the latest technology that will take care of 80 of social skills and you got to differentiate here too when it comes to social skills there's 80 which is around say state management and then there's 20 a bit more tactical technical stuff same with say sales so on and so forth right there is some tactical stuff like okay what's the situation logistics yeah you still need that but all the advice the other eighty percent around getting yourself into a good mood feeling confidence not getting stuck in your head being grounded not being the most reactive person all of that letting go and we have to realize is that the quality of your social skills has much more to do with what you remove than what you add on okay and i'll give a couple illustrations here so here is how one of it you could say this all evolved a lot of people this is where they see themselves in terms of their self-worth i'm down here i'm not good enough i want to be up here if you go out you want to say hi to someone they're up here i'm down here what do i do they're out of my league what do i do how do we become cooler like them now what's the most toxic form the toxic approach oh let me bring them down to my level let me nag them let me get them to doubt themselves and their self-esteem so they're now down at my level and that's terrible that it's toxic thank god that's gone next step okay let's not bring them down let's bring ourselves up let's work on our confidence build momentum so on and so forth trying to get there and that's a much better approach however what's the problem you never actually get there because if you assume you're not good enough and every action you're taking is to become good enough what do you keep telling yourself by default you're not good enough i'm not confident let me work on being confident if you are not confident and you're working on being confident you will forever consider yourself as someone who isn't confident for only someone who's not confident works on being confident this is like the trap right we think we'll escape it but it actually chases us and that's what i noticed right okay i'm working on all this but deep down inside did things ever change no i just had a lot more material and tactics to cope and to try to boost myself up but at a core i still didn't feel whole there wasn't that core confidence and i'm sure you've heard this word before too core confidence versus situational confidence right situational confidence is where let's just say at your work at your job let's just say you have a better position than someone else in that instance you're going to feel much more confident than the employee or the person who's below you right like the manager versus the employee the manager there is gonna feel very comfortable if you're out and say you have certain friends around you right really good close friends like good vibes you're gonna feel more feel more confident than if you were there by yourself that's situational confidence it's a certain situation that gives you that permission to be confident but going even deeper we always think externally okay what about situational confidence externally what about internally right okay i'm not good enough unless uh i build momentum unless i need the line unless i feel this and so we have all these requirements and it's still situational it still depends on something core confidence can depend on anything for if it depends on something what does it mean by default you're not confident same with this idea of being enough you can't become enough the only way to be enough is to always have been enough for it to be the foundation same with confidence what's core confidence it's confidence that depends on nothing no requirements just cuz that's the type of confidence you want so understanding this you realize you can't build up to it right this approach forever keeps you trapped and this is where letting go comes into play if the only way to have core confidence is for it to just be there just because then it has to be the foundation it has to come first and perhaps i'm not down here perhaps there have been things in my life that i've experienced that i started believing that i've conditioned me to believe i'm down here and this is where letting go comes into play instead of trying to then work on yourself you start letting go of everything that is convincing you that you're down here and you realize you've been here this entire time you let go of the things that are telling you you're not good enough you're not confident that's the approach you remove that and understanding this this leads to the next step where a lot of people when they have a certain problem what do they do they ask themselves what now i'm confident i'm not confident what now i'm anxious what now i'm stuck in my head what now i'm stifled what now makes sense right what now you have a problem what now how do i fix it but you know it's an even better question to ask yourself can you guess why if you just simple thing like this by the way if you just start incorporating it your life will change instead of i'm stifled what now why am i stifled i'm not confident what now wait a minute why am i assuming i'm not confident where did that come from i have social anxiety what now wait why do i have social anxiety change the why change the approach why do i have this problem to begin with and that's the shift here i'm down here what now wait why do i assume i'm down here and this also applies even on a deeper level in terms of who you believe you are here today and this here when it comes to the self-help community is the foundation and one of the reasons most people just fail completely because they assume who they are here today is them being authentic right if you're someone who's say a little bit more shy a little bit on the quieter side you're like well that's me what now oh i heard i have to be you know more outgoing maybe i should fake it maybe i should fake it till i make it no no why are you assuming that that's the authentic you were you born that way that's a great question by the way were you born always like oh just super kind of meek and shy not putting yourself out there were you born that way if you're someone who's say super negative all the time were you born that way do you come out of your mom's vagina like and just immediately complaining like it's a little too tight squeezing out of this like no right um no so why do you assume that that's the authentic you and then now what and that's what traps us is you could say you're born free right and then you're conditioned and things happen that tense you up you close off and you put on this shell right you stifle yourself through conditioning and this is now you hear today but if you do the now what this is me now what how do i improve it traps you in this forever because at a core you're still assuming this little stifled you is the authentic you who you are here today isn't the authentic you what if you're being fake right now what if you've been fake for so long you convinced yourself you're being real that's the shift whoa instead of i'm shy now what what if i've convinced like what if this is me being fake and then it even changes the meaning when it comes to fake it till you make it it's actually act real until you remember and again it's letting go of all this conditioning that's the approach the same with the competitive versus the collaborative paradigm you can optimize a certain paradigm or you can drop it you want to drop it the more you optimize the more it entrenches you in that paradigm okay for example i'm not good enough now what right or it's me versus others you can think of it as like that's the reality you can work on it but the more you work on it as we said the more it keeps it alive the more you're trapped there and the solution you're after isn't in this paradigm you have to drop it okay so that there's the foundation that's the biggest shift when it comes to these teachings now building on it when people hear letting go they think it's a very passive approach right and when it came to a bit more of that inner work or even on the spiritual side back in the day i thought the same thing right if you came up to me back and say 2012 so on somebody's like hey what about this i'd be like no no just action because your egos just hammer down like this is the way it must go through must plow through so on and so forth that's how i viewed it and in a lot of cases yeah the spiritual inner side is a lot of just like people being like oh i'm just too scared to take action so that's i'm gonna focus on this but true letting go is a very active process it's not just you sitting at home letting go it's a mixture of the two okay and this here brings up the next shift so remember not what now why the next one and you can write this down this is the formula that i teach my clients action trigger release repeat action trigger release repeat action trigger release repeat that's the formula when it comes to letting go okay so let's break this down this we'll go back to it but if you think about conditioning which i've talked about before okay this is how conditioning really happens you're born you might hear me talk about this in some other videos you're born whole you're born free right again you come out you're like yeah what is this you're this ball of just expansive energy and you come into this thing called the world life you come into a society and in this society there are certain rules and guidelines is this good or bad good or bad it's good what would happen if there were no rules no guidelines no traditions it'd be chaos okay so for the most part not all those rules are accurate and good by the way but for the most part the fact that there are rules in a society is necessary we wouldn't function otherwise so that's factor number one you come into a society number two you're this again ball of expansive energy but can you fend for yourself no so your survival depends on whoever is raising you that's number two number three do you see the world as it is no right you have a very limited perception very limited perspective even as a kid right you don't really see the world as it is as a baby even by the way first few months you don't even know what this whole thing is you can't even form a 3d interpretation of things now because of that here's what happens you're born whole you come into this world whoever is raising you what's their job to teach you the rules and guidelines right so someone here is like let me get naked your parents will be like no no no whatever's raising you hey it's not okay to get naked right let me be loud let me sing right now no no no no it's not appropriate right now right you're in a seminar room don't sing so you're taught these rules but here's what happens say this is you again whole and amazing and say your parent tells you hey um don't be so loud right now or don't sing right now because you have such a limited perspective on things as a kid you might interpret that as them yelling at you and them not loving you right as a kid it's like when they reward me they love me when they punish me and say no they don't love me is that true no your parents love you either way i mean ideally right they're just someone's like maybe not uh for the most part they're just trying to help you they're trying to show you the rules but we don't see it that way as kids now as a kid because you depend on your parents say they're like hey don't be so loud they don't love me right now your survival is threatened if they don't love me what could happen they could abandon me if they abandon me i die so in order for me to survive i have to please these ultimate beings i can never have them not love me or i'm screwed that's not true but that's how you perceive it so what do you do the aspect of me that is loud is threatening my survival right now every time i'm loud they tell me no no don't be so loud so what happens if i keep loud they might just abandon me so let me take this part of me and let's get rid of it anything that threatens your survival you're gonna get rid of it now because it is you can you actually get rid of it no but you can disown it and put it as far out of your awareness as possible and that's what happens we create this split within where you could say here is the acceptable you and here is the unacceptable you this is where being loud goes and this depends on your upbringing on what was acceptable wasn't right in one household for example maybe they're like don't be loud and another one they might be like yeah every time you laugh they celebrate in one household even on a deeper level right they might be like you know what um being creative right that's been uh immature that's not good you you want to be a very serious person don't be a little child what is this creative stuff and you might take the part of you that is on the more creative side disown it vice versa in another household they might be like be creative if you go all serious that's sucking the soul out of your life so we all go through this and it's very important when it comes to true change to look back on your upbringing look at your household look at your community look at where you lived and ask yourself overall right say in that country what's acceptable what is it in my community what's acceptable what isn't in my household what is acceptable what isn't and it'll give you a lot of data in terms of what you've disowned this year is also one of the reasons none of us at a core feel like we're good enough think about it you're born and from the moment you're you come out it's like yay bad kid yay bad kid so we think we're only loved when we are the acceptable part of ourselves and by default from the moment we're born we believe that there's something within us that isn't good we got to get rid of that we're not good enough just to be us only when there's the acceptable you and this here is the start of that front that we try to perfect and hide behind every single person here has it right so you get a feel for it you go through these years all this conditioning also happens in school by the way okay the three you could say things or people that'll really hammer a lot of this in whoever's raising you primary caretaker teachers classmates whoever has a lot of authority okay so again whoever's raising you that's going to condition you a lot teacher a lot of authority classmates if they all believe it also a lot of authority and this is why a lot of people have traumatic experiences in the classroom when they're younger when it comes to say expressing themselves right they might be loud and people stare or the classmate laughs or the teacher tells you to be quiet and perhaps showing interest in someone as a kid everyone teases everyone else it's like oh you like that person haha they like this person and if they all start laughing because you have a very limited perspective as a kid you're like i'm going to die the classroom doesn't accept me and there's no world outside the classroom and then you disown that part of you the part of me that expresses interest in someone let's get rid of that because it's threatening my survival and this is deeply ingrained in us then you're going to live your life here you are an adult and you think you're over it and logically you look back you're like yeah that makes no sense but it's deeply imprinted in you and this here is what gets activated in a certain situation or gets triggered this here speaking of new technology this is social anxiety or approach anxiety that's you getting triggered that is something that is poking at that aspect of you that say puts themselves out there or shows interest and it's like i will die if i embody this it's not true you know it but there's still that same survival instinct that kicks in and you can audit your life here and simply look at different situations where say you experience some anxiety or fear and ask yourself is this appropriate to reality if you go out and you want to say hi to someone is it appropriate to freak out to be like okay let's do this let's do this is that normal no a lot of people also have massive fear when it comes to public speaking right if i bring someone up here a lot of people are like oh i'm like speak oh niche immediately stifled that's not real because you know logically you're not at risk here but something inside you gets activated okay that's you getting triggered it's when one of those aspects that you disowned is coming closer to the surface or you're in a situation that's forcing you to embody it and even though logically you think it's fine it's still there pulling your strings okay now this is why this formula is so key say you're someone who has approach anxiety you get triggered socially step one you're gonna take action you're gonna say go out and put yourself out there socially as you do you're gonna get triggered the response okay and this triggered response can be very intense you know i've seen it over the years there's a client that comes to mind this is in amsterdam we were at a mcdonald's late at night and we were just talking over you know the night out and we went out and talking to people and again working on our social skills and it was at the mcdonald's i'm like hey go say hi to that person over there and the client okay sitting casually talking went from oh yeah that's cool it's cool to what i'm like go say go go on right now go say hi go say hi something started tensing up no joke started turning pale i'm like come on come on i started giving him a bit of a bit of a shove like come on come on hanging on to the table for dear life like as if i'm about to push him out of a plane that was his response that there has nothing to do with the external that's something inside of him that got activated that got triggered now we think this is bad but getting triggered is actually amazing why because one of those things you've been resisting is now coming closer and closer into your awareness into you re-owning it and re-embodying that and this here is where letting go or releasing comes into play action trigger and then you practice letting go of the resistance around being that and embodying that and by doing so you slowly become more and more whole you divide and dissolve the split okay now what does this also mean it means going against traditional progressive desensitization okay where what people will do is they'll see this okay action trigger release repeat and they'll get the action side and they'll even get the triggered side but then they'll go out and say do different challenges or social anxiety challenges but in order to desensitize themselves to getting triggered but that's actually taking you in the opposite direction this is progressive desensitization right hey if there's a situation that scares you that triggers you um just keep putting yourself into it until you become numb to it right does this work to a certain extent yes yeah yeah you will be more numb to it if that's your intention that's what you're doing you'll be more numb to it and i can guarantee you a lot of you are taking this approach i took that approach for a long time and you know you're taking that approach when it feels like this you go out say to socialize you see someone you want to say hi to you start feeling the triggeredness right and then because you've done it so many times you're just in this habit of like okay i'm gonna go to my happy place now and you kind of shift into this alternate kind of state this disconnected desensitized state and then you still take action you stuff down the triggerness and you kind of barrel through and that is not good because it's keeping the split alive and you'll never get that true confidence you're after because it's relying on doing those challenges and this is where you also have to start thinking long term right okay is your solution now to always have to do social anxiety challenges till the day you die right same with building momentum which is absolutely insane that people still try to build momentum that's the dumbest thing ever like what every time now you want to be social you're gonna have to build momentum first i know people even too it's like they have a date and they're like before my date i gotta go say hi to some people to build momentum what that's insane that is absolutely insane it's a good first step but you don't want to stay there having approached anxiety social anxiety building momentum not good okay and if you had it for a long time it's because you're still using the old technology and you need to shift to this there is such a thing people like it's too good to be true no no there's such a thing as not having to build momentum there's such a thing as not having that triggered anxiety around putting yourself out there if you follow the formula okay an exercise i actually give my clients where you can also practice this on a more smaller level is with a cold shower same thing when people go who are just cold showers raise your hand go right tons of benefits to this but the traditional approach that people take with a cold shower is here they are they turn on the water and it's cold and what happens it's immediately you versus the cold and they're like okay let's do this and they try to tense up and barrel through in the cold right anyone do that tends to be most people okay that's our default reflex too it's something like it's intense sensations like intense cold and our deep our defaults like okay go to the happy place desensitize it's a very desensitized approach to it what i tell my clients is to start practicing this do the cold shower but as you go in see how relaxed you can be can you actually be completely relaxed and embrace all those sensations of cold and resist that default reflex of tensing up tensing up tensing up can you get triggered by it and just stay with it that's the same approach that you'll take when you do this you go out social anxiety instead of okay barrel it down let's fight through the cold and anxiety and take action and say hi to this person can i relax into it and can i let go of this that's the shift okay and you can also think of it like this and if you're someone who's been doing desensitization for a long time you're actually gonna have to backtrack a bit okay because here's what happens let's just say here's you super say shy triggered scared of putting yourself out there what people do is they then desensitize themselves and like i said they go into like their happy place against youth like muscles or whatnot and you're like the decentralized yeah battle against and they're so used to going into that place right that that's now their default it's like if you're doing cold shower and you've been doing it for so long it's like by default you resist now someone's telling you hey can you relax into it you're gonna have a lot of trouble because over so much time you can condition yourself to always just tense up same here when i tell people okay now go out and go get triggered some people have trouble even getting triggered because they're so disconnected from what that feels like because they've desensitized themselves too much so what i tell them is hey if you really want to get rid of this for good you're going to have to reconnect with what it feels like you're going to have to reconnect with the old you that showed you that's super triggered and then instead of desensitizing it's re-sensitizing yourself and letting go makes sense so far by the way i know we're covering a lot but yeah right so there's still a ton of action involved okay another key quote it's never the thing it's the place it's coming from letting go in terms of social skills you're still taking massive action you're still putting yourself out there you're still getting triggered left and right so on and so forth but the approach isn't this okay move away from optimize it's i'm doing all this to trigger what is stifling me and blocking me to begin with and dissolving that inner split and by doing so right so you dissolve it to here it's a little bit less you feel more at home and at ease in your own skin you feel a lot more confident and it shifts you in that collaborative state too because now it's no longer you trying to hide this in trying to optimize the front just think about it right say you were to go out and you could just be you there's nothing to hide you don't have to be cool or like don't see these parts of me just be you and just relax into it you wouldn't be all stifled you have to build momentum and it would actually be enjoyable this here is achieving core confidence it's dissolving this okay and it doesn't mean now that you have to be allowed all the time but your relationship around that part of you it's no longer it's i'm not good enough because of the loudness it's oh it's just a part of me that i can choose to embody or not but my self-worth isn't attached to it okay and just think about the traditional approach here too people have this split and what they do is they try to go out and they try to amplify the front right so they optimize the front they try to be cool then to optimize it even more they try to get positive feedback approval validation while at the same time trying to hide this and always experiencing the fear of someone seeing through a lot of people they have something to hide they're hiding something that's why they're so tense that's why there's a stifled right key question they even reflect on what are you hiding say you go out tonight and say you see someone you're like oh too scared to say hi to this person why what are you hiding what are you afraid they'll see you can even make the list there's probably some conscious reasons to come up right they're going to see that maybe i'm a little bit too shy that i'm not used to being around a person like this that i'm low value like that's the why why do you have this what are you hiding why do you and then the other one is why do you assume they're up there okay so this is the foundation when it comes to confidence same with social skills approach anxiety so on and so forth it's you getting triggered and you got to let go of it not power through big shift there's a lot of times like when you're anxious in social situations right i'm sure you know about like evolutionary psychology yeah like there are real consequences and so it's almost like do you feel like you can kind of get to a place where you're trying to avoid what's like a biological drive which is like falling low in social hierarchy right and so it's like so there's still there will still be some of that so i love your questions so notice i even got it before so the general question was okay but what about things like evolutionary again fear pressure you raise your status back in the day right you're actually you know at risk your life is at risk so that there yeah it might still be there a bit and this is important to understand actually i love this question if you think of you getting triggered think of this is the full extent of the reaction right this is for example right fear when it comes to socializing you get this crazy like triggered response when you let go you're gonna let go of all the unrealistic response so you might let go of all of this but there might still be some real emotion there that just stays but i can guarantee you it might just be like a little bit of this is a little bit uncomfortable yeah but it's not going to run you to that extent so when you let go you let go of anything unrealistic real emotions are there to serve you but very few of us actually experience real emotions same with anger people get super triggered over the top when you let go you're letting go of all the triggeredness so you're just left with the real emotion you can always easily deal with the real emotion so yeah there might be some situations where you're like maybe this is a little bit you know risky and the biological thing kicks in but it's so small it's like zero one percent you almost don't even feel it it's not this crazy response yes louder yes yeah uh so i mean this it's like if you think of getting triggered right another model you could say this is your conscious mind this is your subconscious and down here is everything you've disowned when you get triggered it's one of those things you've disowned or an aspect or something that's coming up into your awareness and to you embodying it and what we do is we try to embody it while it's simultaneously stuffing it down so when i say relax into it it's when you're actually triggered it's good because if there's say layers and layers of resistance to sometimes even becoming aware of this it's a lot easier to catch it here so relax into it is mean allow yourself to feel it and you're releasing the charge stay with that charge and release it versus stuffing it back down okay and then in terms of how this even affects you on a social level right you've probably heard me talk about control muscles and release muscles even in terms of self-expression so much of it is simply getting out of your own way and releasing again the label we put to it is oh releasing's just doing no it's like no releasing is what allows you to be loud like this that there this me like even mike off right this here is not me controlling it's actually me letting go and releasing i could not be this loud if i was controlling it do i need momentum to tap into this no get it the difference though and this is the if you follow for example say david hawkins he has a book power versus force it's difference in power and force control what people do is remember who they think they are is fake so they're stifled to begin with they are stifling themselves and while stifling themselves they then try to fight against that and be loud they have one foot on the gas one foot on the brakes that doesn't work and you'll sense it it'll come out a bit more it's it's tough to do because this will be the more force it's like okay everyone welcome so we're gonna do that or we're just watching my old videos that's for us hey everyone it's just very uh at right hey do you hear me am i loud versus the other type of loud is not even projecting at you hey can you hear me am i allowed it's actually even just going down it is drawing you in it's not even directed at you do you see the subtlety there that's the difference people sense this these little subtleties just in the vibe hey what's up okay everyone so what we're gonna talk about okay everyone here's where we're gonna talk about release control if you just take the foot off the brake it'll flow out and you know this just in terms of situations where say you're out socially you might be very stifled and you're trying to be loud yet in other situations maybe with close friends you're just loud by default it just flows out right the same is giving you access to certain faculties to certain jokes a certain range of expressiveness so much of that is just hey get out of your own way that's our problem we go out we stifle ourselves with conditioning and then we fight against it we self-impose it and then we look for techniques which will reinforce it and validate that our self-imposed stiflness is real and it stays there now is there then such a thing as you could say oh i mean here's a whole other one right this idea of willpower same thing willpower is something that we do all have and it is something that is good and that must be used you can write down the distinction use it for moving forward not backwards what does that mean right now am i using willpower yes i am i'm using willpower to craft out this content to link the points to make the points to show examples to answer questions to make sure it clicks it's forward focused it's crafting my words my delivery yes i'm using willpower how do most people use their willpower going backwards for example they stifle themselves and then they use their willpower trying to unstifle themselves they self-sabotage they use the willpower to fight it they're out of state they use the willpower to get in state they're not loud they use the will power to get loud now drop all that so you have your full focus moving forward on this solid foundation of releasing not controlling otherwise you're just burning too much in the back right you can think of it as there's all the energy if you're driving it's like gas break all the energy of like okay more gas more will power that's not smart if you just release the brake now you can use all that extra willpower towards actually crushing it same here i've been releasing for a while but i still feel that there's like a big split for whatever reason do i just keep releasing all the time so that eventually becomes my normal mo or like how do i get to like more more freedom i guess if you're not noticing it you're releasing the wrong way so that goes into the technicalities around releasing yeah like classic example of releasing the wrong way people try to let go in terms of getting rid of oh there's this thing i mean like like breathe it out get rid of it but by doing so you're still labeling it as bad and resisting it so it persists what you're actually letting go of is the resistance around it right um a good way just as the the cold shower or whatever you're triggered is ask yourself is my intention to move away from this or to move towards it right moving away if you're doing the releases like that it's the same as desensitization you're triggered and you're trying to get rid move away from like oh cold move away as opposed to like what i do say with the breaths i just breathe in and i literally visualize myself sinking into it and i let it take over i'm moving towards it not away from it it's reowning reowning letting go of resistance around it embodying versus getting rid of that's one of many but that's a big trap people fall into yeah yes yeah letting go you could even argue letting go is a terrible word it's technically accepting and embracing it's letting go of resistance aka embracing and accepting yes yeah how do you know if you're heading there you're releasing or you're becoming more natural or if i'm creating a new goal around something different love this look for a feeling of relief and at easeness right so for example when someone like let's go and we'll get to this at the end of say a release they might actually feel perhaps sad or even angry or whatever may come up but even in that sadness there's a sense of relief where they are just being a bit more of who they are if you think of that split against so much of our energies trying to disown that unacceptable side when you release it's like oh a little bit less i don't have to hide as much so that's what you look for and then you can also audit it right like look for relief look for situations that used to trigger you that no longer trigger you and overall in terms of how you feel it's do i feel open and at ease and safe and people on my side nothing to hide all is good or is it just very heavy tense trying to maintain is there a lot of effort right you can write ego equals effort right heaviness tenseness me versus that would be the shift in the vibe and people sense it also socially right it's like socially like i need this to work oh don't don't like i'm laughing but don't see this part of me versus hull is good so so that's in terms of the feeling you'll sense that shift there yes yes yes you're you're letting go of the charge on a felt sensation level but by doing so all of the associated thoughts will start fading away and we'll get to this too right if you think of that little voice in your head it has a certain theme everyone has a different theme right it might be a very victim theme it might be very scared theme it might be a very self-attack anger theme and then people are like i must quiet the voice i was quiet the voice right but then by doing so you're now resisting it it's just terrible the way to quiet that voice which ultimately isn't what you really want to do what do you really want to do you want to change the theme of that voice if you had a voice that just kept telling you how awesome you are you're i love you you're awesome would you want to quiet that voice right so it'll be less intense and more loving and that's what happens when you start letting go more as well and all those things like they're staring they're judging me oh this go on they just it just doesn't pop up and you don't have to make yourself stuff it down it just stops popping up the other thing to really notice this is another key model is if you think of this is more on the success level there is that split that holds us back but there are also different core beliefs that hold us back and as we discuss that core identity who you still keep alive here today who you think you are those are the three things you want to let go of so if you audit your life here's the model here is you and this is every single person by the way we all have an invisible prison around us this invisible force field everyone has it and what happens is the goals we're after might be out here well i want to accomplish this i want to do this i want to put myself out there i want this this this and we go for these attempts to chase our goals and things go well as long as you're acting within this invisible prison this invisible force field but as soon as you pierce out self-sabotage kicks in for example let's just say socializing you talk to someone you believe is in the same league as you or you're even outside their league do you get stifled no do you get nervous no right so you're talking somewhere like oh i'm outside their league oh we're in the same league no you won't feel nervous at all talk to someone who's outside your league that's where you tense up you can actually notice this is called a ceiling of success in terms of socializing around who at what point do you start getting stifled right oh would this person not sustainable this person oh this person stifled that's your ceiling same with health there's a certain point where it's like okay i'm being healthy mean healthy and then you start getting maybe a little too healthy and self-sabotage kicks in so if you think of this invisible prison along the border here this is where you could say put the guards of self-sabotage patrolling and as soon as you try to escape they get you now as soon as you try to escape as well and you pass this limit this is where your drive shifts to willpower only and this is traditional self-help this is the hustler trying to hustle out and discipline out and work ethic and will power out and ultimately what are they trying to do they're fighting against the guards of self-sabotage that's most advice out there it's not actually success advice it's anti-self-sabotage advice and you're gonna have all the tips and tricks to fight against these guards oh i jump out and start getting stifled what are some techniques i'll do this to get out of your head do this to battle the guard of stiflness right now here's the thing though you can't win and you will never ever win if you fight them directly you can delay the inevitable right so say you pierce out you can delay how long it takes for them to drag you right back in you can get very good at delaying it personally a lot of my earlier years in my personal journey i was a very str like i was a master at delaying it i was a master at fighting those guards of self-sabotage but eventually they'd pull me back you can't win okay and you can also sense it too as soon as you pass this limit it's like there's this invisible hand that grabs you and like nope not for you so what's the solution how do you get out of this prison right we think we have free will but in reality you only have free will within the prison even if you audit your life by the way we're all living in this little invisible circle nothing really truly changes this is why new year's resolutions don't work as well what's the solution why is there this prison to begin with notice the approach okay there's the guards what now how do i fight the guards wait a minute why is there a prison why are there guards can i perhaps deactivate this force field to deactivate it you gotta ask yourself what's keeping it alive why is it there and it's three things one past trauma right and trauma again is simply when there's something that's just so overwhelming that threatens your well-being that forces you to either suppress or repress right when you take a part of you and disown it that's you going through something traumatic and trauma depends on the perspective of the individual so as a kid being yelled at by your parents can be traumatic as a kid getting lost in the grocery store for 10 seconds can be traumatic it's not just crazy situations like going to war and abuse yes that's traumatic but the thing is we fail to address that a kid has a very limited perspective so a lot can be traumatic where when we see it now we're like it's not traumatic trauma part of the human condition every single person has it or you wouldn't have that split so trauma is one but then there's core beliefs and your core identity these three things you could say are the batteries that are keeping this generator alive and what we do is we just keep living ours trying to fight the guards instead of hey let's find the switches turn them off and this fades away okay so trauma we covered that's also especially when you get really triggered but it's important to also bring your awareness to core beliefs and your core identity okay core beliefs you can think of it as there's the the early beliefs that you form or assumptions that you form coming into this world right so how do you make sense of all of this you form an assumption and then you tell yourself if this is true then how do i make sense of that okay well then that's true and if this is true and that is true then that is true so on and so forth and we have you could say belief trees where for example you might be looking at whoever's raising you in terms of their relationship maybe your parents and maybe it's very dramatic right maybe your parents fight a lot that's just the household you grew up in you don't know any better as a kid so you're gonna look at that and be like huh that's a relationship that's gonna be your model of what a relationship or love is and you don't know any better it's gonna be like okay well love is a lot of fighting a lot of drama right check and then from that right here's the assumption love equals fighting then you're going to make more beliefs and more beliefs and if that's true then this is true and it's all on this foundation of love equals fighting now these core beliefs more often than not we're not aware of them right we put them as far out of our awareness as possible because we don't ever want to question them and not only that but we don't want to let go of them because here's the fear if this is wrong what happens to the belief tree it crumbles then all that is wrong and we hang on to this map no matter what so a lot of self-sabotage has to do with these core beliefs that are out of your awareness if you actually think about self-sabotage it's really not you screwing yourself over it's you giving yourself exactly what you want however you're not aware of the part of you that wanted it so here's the example say there's that belief love equals fighting love equals fighting love equals fighting you get into a relationship say there's no fighting you're gonna bounce and you will keep finding toxic relationships where you keep fighting partners who create a lot of drama to stay congruent to that core belief that's so much of self-sabotage it's you trying to stay congruent to your map of understanding in your map of the world consciously i don't want that but it's much scarier to get that and challenge a core belief then to self-sabotage and stay congruent to it so whenever you self-sabotage and this is a great way to identify core beliefs ask yourself what's the hidden payoff why do i secretly want this everything in your life right now you love it you might be like no if you want to work on your health and you're like i don't really like it the way i'm physically bs you love it oh i want to succeed a bit more socially no you don't or you would have everything about your life right now the whole situation everything there is a part of you that loves it but you might not be aware of that part you're getting something out of it that's self-sabotage you're giving yourself what you want but you're not consciously aware of it so it's key to identified what's the hidden payoff how could i possibly secretly like this payoff right it could also be for example that even around yourself maybe there is some guilt over something you did or didn't do in the past and for some reason you keep self-sabotaging and you're like why but there might be a part of you that's saying hey you're giving yourself the justice you know you deserve or if there's a belief that's formed around success this is where you really want to bring your awareness when it comes to core beliefs okay what do i think about success what's my definition of success for a lot of people success is scary it's a lot of responsibility right and if you think okay success is a lot of responsibility and then you're like well i'm not the most responsible person you want to allow yourself to succeed because then you can't deal with the responsibility so core beliefs key but then even deeper your core identity who you believe you are and a great exercise is to see if you can pick a fictional character movie character tv character book character you name it that describes you the most you can actually even do it now right if you had to pick a movie character you're like that is me that character described maybe not everything that's you but describes me the most here's some common ones rocky anyone like the movie rocky right the underdog that there describes a lot of people now if you take this core identity and it's the ones that really speak to you right out of core you're like oh yeah um how might that run your life right i have many clients where they're like rocky rocky the thing with rocky if you're the underdog as an example that's your identity you always need a big obstacle to overcome and people to doubt you and someone to prove wrong now how does that manifest in your life instead of letting success come to you easily you're always creating this chaos and drama and these obstacles and putting yourself in these tough situations to always have to overcome them and prove people wrong it runs you right another person might be well i'm good will hunting that's a common one or spider-man's a common one right waiting for that magical moment where the spider bites you and here you are just waiting for something to magically happen we all have this a core identity one that i had for the longest time was a self-destructive artist where i wouldn't allow myself to fully succeed i had to destroy if i succeeded i was no longer self-destructive so everything out here right if there's patterns identify the patterns we'll link to something you disowned trauma or you sing congruence to a core belief or using congruence to that core identity you don't want to challenge it make sense okay and with that character you can ask yourself what are the pros and cons sometimes there's pros sometimes you might be like why i'm the hero and um you know i'm the hero who succeeds massively but um i'm forever alone and you might be someone who's actually really successful but in terms of relationships friendships no because you're saying congruent to kind of this martyr hero who sacrifices the personal life for the glory right for the business for the money for whatnot someone might also be the victim someone might be the number two the sidekick we're always helping others we can never be the main person right we all have this so some key audits what character are you and then what's my ceiling of success key when it comes to health wealth and relationships at what point do i start feeling that invisible force that pulls me back okay and if you want another model it'll also manifest like this okay so you see the invisible prison but then if you zoom in on say the ceiling of successes this is how most people's lives look like there's the ceiling and the floor and what they do is they oscillate right everyone had this say it's health okay one day you wake up and you're like what happened i gotta work on my health right and then you start going hardcore and you start making progress right you start cutting out bad food you're exercising you're doing great things get better and better and better until you hit the ceiling start passing the ceiling and maybe it challenges like for me i experienced this a long time it challenges that core identity of being self-destructive hey i can't be too healthy or i'm no longer self-destructive suddenly this success is going against that core identity or a core belief and this here is when self-sabotage kicks in and it might be subtle you might be like oh you know what i can take a day off i've been going pretty hardcore let's take a day off let's grab some friends let's get a nice meal then you have the nice meal you might overeat then you wake up the next day you're like oh i hate too much you know what i'll take another day off to recoup and the spiral starts and you fall off and fall off until you hit this floor and that's where you wake up you're like oh my god what happened and then it repeats up down up down and it gives you the illusion of progress because there are times where you're moving up but you're not actually moving up you're fixing the mess you created right same with money okay i'm gonna do serious okay focus on my finances work oh i made a good amount of money you know let me spend a little bit here fall off and we live this yo-yo right even in the self-help world people are like okay let's start working on myself and then you slack off and then you come back to the self-help and then you psych off so the key here though is what's keeping the ceiling alive identify it let go of it and keep moving [Music] people that i really want to up to is not necessarily the fear of rejection but more of a fear of embarrassment like oh okay rejected you know yeah so it'll be one finding why where that came from and ultimately the whole theme will be detaching your self-worth from approval right so right now what you're doing is you're taking a part of yourself and you're placing it on others and you say if you approve of me my self-worth moves up if you disapprove my self-worth goes down and now you're there and they're pimping you out right i mean everyone does this um the the i mean you can even go d you wanna you wanna hear one right everyone here is okay you sell out when it comes to approval when it comes to money so on so people sell out that's you selling out right but here's another one right now little thought experiment let's just say if say both of your parents are currently alive let's just say they died right now and say you're past the grieving phase and again super dark but imagine a situation where you've actually processed it you've moved on they've just peacefully vanished out of existence would the way you live your life change and if the answer is yes you're like oh i would actually do this and take more risks there you're selling out for their approval too and you're being pimped out same thing right um but that's key right and this is what people experience too they get approved up they're like yay this approved up no hey and they're literally their self-worth's moving up and down detach it from that your whole regardless because what you're literally saying is and this is also the level of desire which links to approval um is you take you might have seen me draw this before what we do is we take a part of ourselves right we take this and we put it here and we put it behind a wall i'm not whole i need this part of me and it lies behind approval and then we chase it as soon as they approve then i'll be whole as soon as i get this then i'll be whole as opposed to no no no start by being whole and you can still go after that same goal but your whole before and your whole laughter right you can also audit different requirements if you sense things like that the boost your confidence or self-worth write them down okay approval is one what else what are all these conditions and requirements i'm posing so that's definitely one to let go of super common right if you see the diagram here that's the level of desire this here you might have seen me talk about in some videos this is the next step so we get the foundation of confidence the evolution of social skills and advice differentiating between real and triggerness right then the next step is this map here and the way i personally view this is this is the nice sweep that we all do so it's a sweep you can do an audit you could say different things that you might have disowned right if you go through this and actually let go of all the different levels it'll clear up you could say a lot of that split but it also illustrates the process of transformation we're at the very bottom for example and there's many different maps out there there's again david hawkins frederick dodson spiral dynamics you name it um this is the one that's not overly complicated a lot of those maps are just way too complicated mental masturbation the and the one that i've really seen in terms of my experience is coaching at the bottom apathy okay that's the level of just and what's the point right oh what's the point i can't anyway screw it right loss of hope as you move up you hit grief victimhood and as you move up with each level by the way you get access to more power and more energy so say you tell someone who's like uh what's the point i'm in apathy and you're like hey it's actually not your fault you're a victim is that good advice for someone at that level yes oh it's actually not my fault you mean i could but it's because of this i thought i couldn't at all so what's the point actually i can but i'm a victim that's why i'm not it's actually empowering then there's fear and as you'll notice with each level there's different advice and this is a key thing by the way if you remember this map any piece of self-help content that you see fit it in the appropriate level meaning people mess up because they apply advice that's for another level depending on where they're at right like if you're an apathy being a victim is good do you want to stay there of course not but for someone at that level it's good for someone who's then in victimhood what's great advice take responsibility step it up don't be a little all right that's good advice for someone who's in grief is it where you want to stay no but you move up right so take responsibility you hit fear you could also start getting angry and move up instead of oh i'm such a victim it's like enough what am i going to do about it right so with each level the advice changes and you move up the four bottom ones here from apathy grief fear and anger those are really the competitive states where it's you versus now here's the key to catch these themes apathy is me versus others me versus the world what's the point and you just kind of withdraw and give up grief is me versus others me versus the world and you start feeling sorry for yourself like oh why is it so hard poor me fear is you versus others you versus the world must protect right they're out to give you must protect anger is you versus others you versus the world let's show them let's do something about it but it's still in the competitive frame and with each level too like i would tell someone in grief do something about it chew up for anger however in anger that's where it's like okay time to forgive time to let go but i wouldn't tell someone who's in grief different advice different levels now then there's a shift from anger you then shift to courage and what i do this is actually the curriculum i take clients through is the first four levels there's a lot of action you're triggering different things right there's different advice and there's different releases for the levels and as you start clearing up a lot of those more competitive states what happens is you then start shifting into a collaborative state right anger by the way that's a lot of self-help why because most people in society reside in grief fear and anger if you want to speak to someone who's in fear or someone who's in grief what's the thing that resonates with the most step it up hustle discipline and that's so much of self-help right the hustler the discipliner um the no days off and what do they rely on for motivation self-attack they attack themselves criticize themselves to take action that's self-help right like david goggins king of anger and self-attack amazing amazing though but that's the level and it's amazing advice for someone who is in grief or fear but you don't want to reside there so courage is when you shift to instead of playing against something and playing not to lose what about playing to win and that's the other big shift remember fighting against self-sabotage fighting against being stifled you're in a competitive state how do i fight against this i'm trying to hide this identity how do i fight against it it's all playing not to lose it's all in reaction what about playing to win and this here is when people start asking themselves okay what is it that i actually want what's my win and very few people can actually answer this everyone knows what they don't want but very few know what they actually want and when i ask them okay what's your ideal life they're like well there wouldn't be this i'm like what would it look like what would there be instead um i don't i don't really know like they have no idea so that's when you venture into okay let me start seeing what my real win is but the level of courage you tend to play a little small and there still tends to be some procrastination some dabbling then above that there's desire and i put desire here for two reasons one you can actually temporarily use desire to your advantage to stick to something for a longer period of time remember courage you're kind of dabbling around right you can think of the lower levels as you're avoiding the stick desires the carrot okay what about the carrots go a little bit longer so you can actually use it your advantage temporarily but what also happens this is the second reason i place it here is people will tend to get a glimpse of their authentic win and courage and then they sell out for approval money success for and desire takes over so then you want to let go of desire and that's when you really tap into purpose right dialing in on the wind being much more detailed and that fuel purpose is the motivational fuel including love it's the one you want to tap into so you can think of it like this right at the very bottom fear is a great motivational fuel it'll make you take action right being scared this is why people even say and i've said it too and i think it's great for some other level think of the worst case scenario no going back but then as you move up it's like what's a better motivational fuel anger much more powerful that's the hustler again but there's an even better one so the way you can also think of these motivational fuels is say you're someone who's like super tired you haven't slept at all and someone's like here here's a monster red bull drink with extra sugar and chemicals enjoy will that give you energy yes but what happens is people think that's the ultimate solution and they stay there what's a better source of energy perhaps moving up to coffee right you could say coffee would be anger great is there one above that desire could be one you could say desire is t what about one above that someone said yeah what about just sleep and just naturally be motivated that's purpose and love so there's different fuels and it doesn't mean like you never then tap into like a little pocket of anger like use all of them but overall you don't want your you could say human car and engine the majority of it to run on those toxic ones you want the foundation to be purpose and love not the others okay so that's purpose it's like what's my win what do i feel inspired to do and when you tap into that right including love and even linking it to you it's like you are way sharper and way more motivated no one can succeed long term if they rely on anger or desire just like finding the guards that self-sabotage you can delay it but eventually you'll give up same with the swings right remember up and down if you like discipline discipline discipline eventually you're like oh you just can't maintain that the reason for example i'm able to do like even a speech like this right just blah blah blah i could keep going with work so on and so forth is this here feels effortless and it feels fun it feels amazing and i'm not fighting against anything a lot of people can think of uh you know say you play a video game right people can't work for more than like an hour they're all tired but they can play video games 16 hours 24 hours straight because their relationship to is very different there's not the same heaviness shift your work to that and working will be like playing a video game where you can just play and play and play and play and play and play and play right and not only do you succeed a lot more but you actually enjoy it and that's the other thing right with the other levels like if you're getting results and again you're self-attacking so much you can never enjoy it you're actually scared of enjoying it because you think if you enjoy it you'll stop taking action because you need the self-hate to take action that's terrible and the same with desire more more more if you're not enjoying the results those are not results think about it even though oh but externally it looks really good yeah but if you're not enjoying it you're failing that's not good okay and even in terms of our win here what desire will do and that's why it's also so hard to really identify what it is that you want is most people's win isn't what they actually want but what would impress others most people go for a goal that others would approve of most people will go for even relationships that others would approve of most people go for careers and stuff that others would approve of not what they actually want what is it that you want it's identifying that and staying true to it whatever that is even in terms of patterns that run people a lot of it is childhood and even high school right a lot of people even get into the social skills and that was me where people weren't that cool in high school and then you're trying to be the cool person after you're trying to replay these patterns you missed out on like i need the girl in high school the popular girl i need to be the popular guy now and like in your adult life you're still acting like a little high school kid crazy okay but with this here this is the map that i personally use so what happens is you know going deeper on the the force fields trauma core beliefs core identity one thing i'm always looking for is themes if something doesn't go my way what's the theme what's the theme what's the level and everyone here has a default state meaning there's one level here where you reside most of the time and you got to identify it if you don't know your default level you are screwed because you won't know what advice to apply to yourself but we also all have pockets meaning someone could be let's just say when it comes to their job on a level of purpose and they actually love their job when it comes to work they're crushing it yet when it comes to their relationships they might be in grief and feel like a victim or in fear okay so whenever something's happening my life i'm like oh what happened oh what do i feel it's not going my way i'm always like what's the theme what's the theme what's the theme and then based upon the theme there's different advice different tools right i think this is my tool belt like okay let me pull out the tools for that level and there's a release that focuses on that specific level that i'll listen to but this here game changer life changer like this is the map that i keep coming back to um this is the inner audit that i do myself and even uh the meditations that i've created you know for myself and clients for each level i listen to those myself game changer and the cool thing too is with each of these levels you can also give there's different advice but also different missions and action steps you can do that will help trigger things to move up just as we talked about action trigger release repeat linked to each level all right um now the other cool thing so so this here is also how you're going to see the evolution of the self-talk change in your mind right that little voice in your head another great way to help identify some of the states that run you ask yourself what's the theme right is that little voice in your mind saying oh you're such a victim it's so hard maybe you can't do it oh don't you just want to go lie down and just eat some ice cream and cry grief right or when things happen what's your default oh like you know some people like if they're like if they see something harsh like hey what are you doing step it up someone might be like yeah some other be like i just want to go cry and feel sorry for myself now is it fear right what are the threats what are the threats what's going on what are the threats is it anger self-attack what's the theme of the voice and as you start letting go that's how the theme starts changing and again ideally moving up to love now here's the other key thing especially socially until you hit that state of love your social skills will suffer because you will not see the world as it is huge meaning the state you're in doesn't just hijack that voice and your thoughts but it hijacks what you see and what your selected focus your ras focuses on and zones in on meaning just as how we talked about earlier today say you go to a venue and at first you're like oh so scary oh threat sword strats and then so you take some action and you might get yourself in state and you're like oh it's actually chill it's the exact same environment but you're focusing on different things you could think of it as glasses right you have the fear glasses on and then temporarily you take them off and you put say a love glasses on but you want to have that as the default so you can look at how you perceive the world how you perceive situations and the key is to shift the glasses and with social skills here's the thing if you don't see things as they are you will not be calibrating to reality so if you have fear glasses on when you see someone you're looking for threats oh scary person threats how do i calibrate to that and by calibrating to that not only are you off but you will impose that frame on the person and more often than not they will play into it and this is why even back in the day you hear things like assume attraction and people try to force themselves to do it even though they don't feel it it's very different for like they love me hey how's it going versus they don't love me they're scary very different this is how you permanently do it and that's the problem people are calibrating to what they think they see in the other person that's actually not who that person is okay and again this here in terms of like success advice you name it game changer game changer game changer now a couple other things you want this you want to understand this and you once again to let go at every single level while coupling it with accountability and support i think accountability supports are necessary training wheels not something you want long term but necessary training wheels to make sure you don't fall off when things get tough i would not be here without accountability and support i even said the very first time i said hi i had to get people around me to finally do it or i wouldn't be able to you need the accountability and support anyone who's trying to do it alone insane and accountability and support could be anything and anyone right you could just ask a friend to hold you accountable but you do need to incorporate it if you have the training wheels of accountability and supports combined with this you will crush it when it comes to the actual letting go there's a few things to keep in mind okay for those of you who are in the mentoring you're gonna get the exact guided releases that i use myself um but but i'll explain it for everyone but you're gonna get for each of these levels a guided meditation that hits on it and it sounds obnoxious but this really introduces the first principle when letting go so this is done through mindfulness-based meditation okay but when letting go the last thing you want to do is engage the mind you don't want to engage the mind it happens on a felt sensation level so when i'm personally letting go what people try to do is they try to guide themselves or think themselves into it and that's terrible i want to quiet my mind not even worry about thinking so this is why i do guided meditations guided releases and it sounds obnoxious but i will listen to these exact same ones myself no extra ones literally just what's in the mentoring and i will listen to my voice guide me through it for that reason okay so whatever it is you do like when you are letting go disengage the mind completely okay now for everyone here too if you do want a free meditation that you can start with just go to and you can write this down and go to it after on your computer or whatnot go to transformationmastery.com you'll see a quick redirect and it'll redirect you to a free meditation that you can get okay so after this event if this resonates with you go get that free meditation it's a very basic one but just get that one try it out with what i'm telling you here so when you listen to it disengage the mind next thing mindfulness versus concentration classic meditation is you want to concentrate on the now right or concentrate on a mantra and you want to basically concentrate enough that all your worries or stress or whatnot kind of fades away and that's an amazing first step but the approach here is very different remember what we talked about before there's the movement towards or the movement away from what's concentration well i don't feel too good let me focus on the now and i'm going to keep focusing until i forget about all this right like if all of you focus right now right here on my focus on my finger if you keep looking long enough do you see the rest of the room no that's concentration based and what happens is for most people they realize this it just becomes this temporary escape from their problems they concentrate for 10 minutes that's their meditation and then they stop and they're back in okay better than nothing but here's what's better instead of concentrating on say the now or a mantra or a spot on the wall to avoid your problems what about focusing on your problems letting go of them so there's nothing to focus on to escape that's mindfulness so instead of now mantra we focus on the stuff we're trying to avoid and it's the same approach with getting triggered the stuff we don't experience that's where you gotta go the things you're running away from that's where you gotta go that's mindfulness okay now the way you're gonna do it and again transformationmastery.com get the free meditation is seated position okay i like doing it like this don't cross your legs both feet planted you want to communicate to yourself that you're really grounded and you can handle whatever you experience whatever comes up i also like the palms face down okay just very grounded and when i do it eyes closed okay so when you do it later eyes closed why because you don't want to get sucked into the external you want all your awareness internally okay as i guide you through it are gonna trigger different feelings with it and your job once more is let me sink into it let me experience it and let me breathe my way through it when there's charge when there's stuff that comes up you gotta notice yourself am i stuffing it down or clenching or relaxing in okay and then you'll see me guide you through it with the tactical things but those are some key mindsets so you do it the right way now one other thing when you're going through it it's very common that people are like oh you know uh you were talking about this but my mind drifted off and i'm thinking about this now that's fine your job is whatever you're thinking about your mantra is we're talking about mantras you remind yourself of this what are the sensations if i'm talking about some other topic and you think of this and you're triggered by it great what are the sensations what are the sensations and here's another one sometimes people are like i don't feel anything here's the question what does that feel like what does not feeling anything feel like you can't not feel anything or you'd be dead your body would be cold right so oh what am i feeling or if there's frustration okay what does that frustration feel like tune into that and once more you release the charge and the way to think of this too is imagine there's all like these strings like attached to these like chords they're all pulling your strings you're pulled in different directions what's letting go severing that and this is important in life there is such a thing as a physical connection but then there's not to get a little too hippy-dippy an energetic connection so here's an example say you go through an experience as a kid where you experience trauma right maybe in class like i said you speak up in the classroom laughs then you live your life and you move on physically that event happened a long time ago very distant but energetically there's still the link it's still running you that's something you want to sever the same with different fears that run people a key thing when letting go is sinking into those fears getting triggered by it and freeing yourself from that energetic link so a common one is people are really afraid of say being alone right there's a few core fears one is fear of being alone and i'm just i'm curious here i'll ask you which one you resonate with the most fear of being alone fear of not being good enough right not having what it takes fear of not living up to your potential fear of being bad and toxic fear of being alone who resonates with that one raise your hand the fear of forever being alone cool surprising right based on people working on their social skills you'd think a lot more would be afraid of being alone what are you doing here fear of not being good enough something wrong with you not having what it takes fear of not living up to your potential fear of being bad toxic yep okay now those are just a few but we all have these you could say more universal fears and then there's depending on our conditionings we discuss more specific ones now here's my advice right what people try to do is like oh there's these fears how do i overcome it what i tell clients like say someone's like really scared of being alone and there's the craving of say having a partner it's like i can't be alone i need a partner i need someone i need someone i would actually have them sink into it okay what if you never get a partner what if that's true what if you are alone the rest of your life and just sinking into that you're going to start feeling oh the trigger-ness kick-it whatever it is your fear here right like what if you never live up to your potential what if that's it what if you see other people go after your dreams but not you what if you don't have what it takes what if there is actually something wrong with you you're not strong enough you're not smart enough you don't have it and you'll just never truly succeed what if that's true sinking into that you're going to feel something perhaps getting poked at that's one of those energetic links and then by triggering it and letting go of it you free yourself now that doesn't mean now that you're going to go in that direction that's we think if i let go of the fear won't i go there no no no your intention is still for example to succeed to be to meet a partner what not but now it's coming from a i'm playing to win this is what i want versus in reaction to the opposite so it's severing those links another key link that runs people comes to you down to forgiveness right where this is the classic story i like sharing to illustrate this maybe you've heard this one before um i had a client few years ago uh he moved from los angeles to ukraine right he was doing movies and stuff he was in his 40s and uh he was still really triggered and resentful towards his parents but more specifically his mom okay why because as a kid he wanted to do music be creative um but his parents were very traditional it's like look you're going to be a lawyer you're going to be a doctor you're going to be very serious none of this music stuff right i think his siblings who they followed that they did well and he's kind of like the odd one out trying to do you know movies create movies on music uh movies on the more creative side and uh it got so bad he's like you know i'm moving across the world moved to ukraine and he's doing some movie projects there yet physically far away he still feels the same pressure and self-sabotage and even feels guilty even though he's far away why because although he's physically away there's still the energetic connection that he has to let go of same with the past different events people right things that you know might have happened to you things people did or didn't do they did you wrong so on and so forth people tend to like physically distance themselves but until you let go that event or that person will still have that energetic control over you and not just other people but yourself younger versions of you that might have not done better not know what it takes on and so forth oh i'm growing up now there's still the link and for that there on the more resentful uh so on and so forth it's forgiveness forgiveness forgiveness so think about it that person say someone really did you wrong can you forgive them 100 guaranteed probably a little bit of triggered and what are those sensations saying no that's where you're going to want to start processing until it's a yes and it's not a you making yourself say yes it's an authentic yes you're being pimped out there's still the energetic connection now here's the thing key subtlety with forgiveness forgiving someone or something does not mean approving of it does not mean say someone did you wrong there shouldn't be consequences it doesn't mean now you have to be friends with them forgiveness is a 100 act for who you and only you it has nothing to do with them forgiveness is whatever impact they still have on you releasing that and you will sense key you will sense when you've truly severed one of those links that's just or chains even energetic chain you could say you'll sense you've severed it when you look say it back at that event or that person or that fear and it's just information the charge behind it is gone and that's another great audit where in my life is there some charge and that's what letting go is instead of stuffing it down it's like let's be with it and let's start releasing this charge right if i ask you what do you eat for breakfast do you get triggered no right it's like oh i just ate this it's information that's what happens around things that run you what do you think about that person oh yeah they did me wrong that was not cool but there's not the charge behind it oh what about that fear oh yeah i don't really want to be alone i want to you know be with someone or so on and so forth i want to live up to my potential but it's no longer the same charge that runs you do this you start being free two other key things i'm sure you've heard the saying if you don't have a plan for yourself someone else has a plan for you right and we always tend to think oh it's i guess the government people like yeah but you know who really has a plan for you all those things you've suppressed past trauma pull in your strings you're in that little invisible prison that has a plan for you until you address it and then one more key perspective that really illustrates what letting go is is remember this in life everyone has goals and i would highly suggest whatever your goal is as we discussed here before don't be stubborn don't be dumb ask for help whatever that is right i want to do this thing i want to do this thing i want to be arts like go get an art coach like ask for help no matter what but you got to differentiate between the software and the hardware if you think of yourself as a computer best way to explain letting go say you're a computer right you're a whatever imac or whatnot um there's the hardware that's you and now there's all this software that you can install right hey there's the art program there's the cooking software there's the business software there's the social software there's all the software people do is they find out about all this and it's exciting it's new it's flashy and they rush in and just install install install install install and then they're surprised when it doesn't really work for them like wait what's wrong i installed the software maybe i need to install more and they double down on installing more software yet what they should have done is run the antivirus it doesn't matter how much software you install if there's a virus on the hardware you're screwed that's we're talking about here that's what letting go does it's running the antivirus so all this software you install finally works and it works the right way like this program is such a game changer the way everything's structured in the material it's been already even for me it's just been i'm noticing a crazy change in in the way that my whole life's like playing out what you put together is just incredible there's nothing like that i've just jumped like a million levels it's just been a complete 180 for my experience of existing that's awesome it's just been so huge in terms of so many of the things i'm finally understanding and realizing and epiphanies i'm having what you do is a huge inspiration to me and i think it's one of the most beautiful things you can give to another human in this entire world you save my enlightenment i'm telling you that's this is sometimes all it takes is just one person who believes in you find people who are where you are in life and model them work with them i would not be here if i didn't have people who held me accountable wow i just felt a click and things are changing this program was just top notch seriously like this is a masterpiece this is this is perfect everything the way it's set up the live calls like all the support from the coaches is incredible it's it's been nuts i just had my test joy this was the best decisions i ever made thank you for creating something wonderful like this this program was phenomenal this program was uh was amazing this program has definitely changed my life i know for a fact i'm in the right place this is exactly what i was expecting from the program it's been spectacular i feel really lucky to have found you thank you so much julian it's worth every dollar