We all have bias. You probably have heard that statement before. The fact is we all have unconscious beliefs about different groups and they are inconsistent with our conscious values. It's also called implicit bias.
But if it is indeed unconscious, how do we get past it? I was in an airport a while back and the gate attendant called for first class to board. As a leadership trainer, I log a lot of air miles and so it isn't uncommon for me to fly first class. I fell into line like I normally do. Single file, heading to the gate attendant, boarding pass in hand, extended it to her, went off to the side, a man who had been waiting against the wall, strode over and placed his boarding pass over mine.
I mean, right? I'm sure for many of you, that would have earned that man your best glare, wouldn't it? I mean, probably the real side eye, right? But for many of you, as it did for me, it might have struck an even deeper chord. If you have any frame of reference to civil rights or denial of civil rights, then what that man did might have carried a deeper insult.
Now, I've never had my civil rights denied. But my parents, who were great storytellers, would share experiences about growing up back in the day. And I remember them talking about when they were courting.
how they liked to go to the theater and they would hold hands and they would sit in their designated section in the balcony or how much they enjoyed going to the colored swimming pool with their friends. I loved these stories, but it reminded me, segregation was not that long ago. And when that man, white man, when he strode forward with such confidence and placed his passport passing over mine, It was like a punch in the gut. There were other women that were in that line, but I was the only black person.
So the visual was very stark. And I say this as an example of bias that led me. to my journey in discovering how to move past my own unconscious bias. We've learned through studies that unconscious bias can start in the early years.
That really wasn't my experience. Growing up, I grew up with a I grew up in a beautiful small town, in a home my parents built. We worshiped in a multicultural church built by our ancestors. I went to a city school, diverse student body, overwhelmingly fair teachers, so I never really felt that I didn't belong. Likewise, I was raised to appreciate the differences in others.
I got along well with a wide variety of students. I love foreign language. I had half a dozen pen pals.
from around the world when I was in high school. It wasn't until I started traveling and when primarily in the higher boarding groups and most frequently involving men. My reaction to this was one of conflict avoidance. Better to lay low because I'd seen examples.
You know, if something were to happen, a dispute or what have you, I would probably be at a disadvantage. So better to just keep calm and stay out of the fray. That meant avoiding eye contact. It meant not engaging in a lot of conversation.
At the gates where we would sit, I tended to go to the less populated areas. Laptop, book, headphones, earphones, all were my little weapons, shields to protect me, kind of insulated. That was how it went for a while. It changed my travel experience. I went from being this happy-go-lucky, curious, engaging traveler to, you know, I'm just trying to get from point A to point B with this little drama.
as possible. And then I was approached by a supervisor with a proposal, an invitation for a project that involved global travel. Now, you would think that based upon what I've just shared with you about some of my travel experience, experiences that I would have hesitated before I responded. I didn't. I immediately said yes.
It was that person inside me, the person who wanted to experience differences, culture, sights, sounds, people. I immediately said yes. But when the excitement died down, there was a reckoning.
Okay, now what I'm going to do is I'm going to ask you to answer What am I going to do? After all this was global travel. Hadn't I seen it in the news, in the movies, in the media? Some parts of the world, there's a perception of black people that we are less than, less intelligent, less valued. How am I going to handle that?
Well, you know my strategy had been working pretty well. So I decided to continue that. Be professional, be polite, but I'm going to protect myself. That barrier is going to stay in place.
And that's what I did. doubt in my mind it was reinforced when that supervisor before my first adventure came to me and during the conversation said how are you going to deal with racial prejudice when you encounter it Wow came right out with it I respect him for that but it's real made it very real to me. And I just told him that I would endeavor to take the high road. I would continue to do as I had been. The job would get done.
I wouldn't let it deter me. So off I went, and it was the opportunity of a lifetime. I am so glad that I took that assignment.
And then one night, I was in my hotel room. I was having dinner, and I'm reflecting on the fact that I had been invited to dinner by a colleague that night. And an invitation to dine with them. with their family and their home. And I had said no.
And it wasn't the first time that that had happened. I had gotten very comfortable in my protective armor. And those no's with the nice excuses were rolling off the tongue.
But this was different. It was the second such invitation that I had had in one week. And I had to face the fact. I was thinking that I wouldn't be welcomed, that I wouldn't be treated as well. well or as much as during this adventure and yet people were reaching out to me they were wanting to engage they were wanting to connect and now I was the one that was saying no and putting up the barrier due to my unconscious bias it was a difficult moment a harsh moment to realize that I was being a hypocrite but it was my first move toward my journey to move beyond unconscious bias was recognizing that the way I was acting was not consistent with my values.
It was not consistent with who I said I was. Not consistent with the good citizen who wanted to experience others and cultures and sights and sounds. Not consistent with the HR professional who is supposed to be objective and fair-minded in making their decisions. No, it was inconsistent.
That was my first step. And then I thought about the impact of it. Do I leave this the way it is or do I make change? I decided to make change because the impact to me concerned me.
Did I hurt people's feelings? Did I change the trajectory of a friendship? You know... that to be invited into anyone's home in any culture is so special.
I know that I missed out on some rich experiences, and I didn't like that feeling, that feeling of regret, regret for missed opportunities. So I endeavored to make a change. As a leadership trainer, one of the messages that I deliver to my clients is, when it comes to managing emotions, we must accept emotions, including those negative ones, give them their due, manage them, and then make positive change. For me, that emotion was regret.
I'm a literal person, so I gave myself a weekend, a weekend to deal with this, and then decide what changes I was going to make. For me, the weekend was all that I needed. And after the end of that weekend, I made a decision to make changes and to forgive myself.
I decided to leave the self-guilt behind. I decided to leave the self-judgment behind. and started going about making new changes. What did those changes look like?
Well, first of all I started accepting those invitations. I accepted the invites and I started extending invites to my city, to my town, from people from other parts of the world. What a more meaningful relationship that resulted in, in many instances.
You know, people are complicated. We take the good with the bad. But it was something that I never doubted that I regretted having done. Another change that I made was I reflected on my travel experience. I started avoiding eye contact before.
I stopped doing that. I started making eye contact. That's who I am. I started being engaging again.
Still have my headphones and still have my materials my laptop and book, but I don't use them as shields anymore. I Take moments. I take breaks to stop and absorb what's going on around me and enjoying people.
It's amazing how often And sometimes when that happens, people want to talk, people want to get to know you. It's very important. Of course, there are still the negative situations. They do occur from time to time. I've endeavored that I will take the high road in those instances, but more importantly, I won't let the ugliness of a few cause me to paint a whole category with a broad brush.
Speaking of negative experiences, what about that situation in the airport? We're at a stalemate. Boarding passes. I'm sure the people that were in the surrounding gateway were like, oh my goodness, we're about to have a scene here. but I didn't give them that.
I waited for the gate attendant white lady. She reached under and took my boarding pass and said this lady belongs in this boarding group as well. The man turned and left without a word.
I said thank you and I boarded. Things don't always go my way and when they don't I will vocalize my displeasure and move on. On occasion if it's serious I will complain but that's very rare.
It's important to me to set a good example. example. This isn't the case with everyone.
Not everyone wants to own that. In these past turbulent years where we've had so much upheaval, including in regards to bias, I've had many friend confide I am so tired I am so frustrated with feeling like I'm the representative for my race because I'm the only one representing in the group I have to be the educator I'm tired of this I get it and you know what if we were to change that and say black race white race Asian race or any category I'm sure that you and many others would feel the same way we do get tired of being the educators but what Whether we realize it or not, we're always educating people by our behaviors and by our actions. Many times throughout the day, you or either, showing someone something different than their unconscious bias, realize, which is a wonderful thing.
teachable moment or you are reinforcing their unconscious bias. And at the end of the day, don't we all just want to be understood? Don't we all just want to be accepted for who we are? So I find that setting the good example is a key to moving beyond bias for me, for you, and for others.