[Applause] suck it up get over it that's what we were always told we were never allowed to have emotion as she mentioned I am a paramedic have been for 24 years I joined the volunteer fire department when I was 19 years old not doing that math for you but very my entire adult life I've been doing this I've been watching and seeing people and their worst suck it up get over it you have to get back out there man up is what we keep n told well I'm here to tell you that I have post-traumatic stress disorder for a while that was something I hid I was afraid of I didn't want anybody to know about what I embraced it finally it took a few things so my story is what I'm here to tell you today but I'm here to tell you is suck it up and get over it doesn't work in fact it makes it a lot worse a lot worse see some of the problems that we have post-traumatic stress disorders become out the forefront the military our returning veterans have really brought it out and made it more prevalent in society people able to talk about it if our heroes of the people who were those strongest in the bravest of this country could suffer from this debilitating disease and yes it is a debilitating disease you'll hear about that in a moment if they can do it and what about the average paramedic now I'm not about to sit up here and tell you that I have experienced anything like combat whatsoever however the trauma on a day-to-day basis the tragedy a day-to-day basis so EMS has always been the little brother of the police department in the fire department we've never had the respect or any kind of the rights that all the other ones have gotten they don't even get our title right anytime you hear anybody say police officers firefighters and emergency workers can you get my title right now or the dreaded even worse ambulance driver that one I love yes I Drive an ambulance now and again but it doesn't define who I am and what my education shows it doesn't define it so when I think ambulance driver I still think that the public still thanks to this day that we all have white coats white pants we drive souped-up Cadillac ambulances we run as fast as we can we scoop up the patient we bring to the hospital that's not the way this besides can you see me in white pants that right off the bat would make me just find another career but I never got into this for a Calise I didn't I didn't get into this to to be on the level of the police officers to be on the level of the firefighter I wanted to do what I wanted to do I wanted to make a difference in people's lives I wanted to go to work every single day and save a life now no you don't save a life every single day but you can make a difference every single day but along with that difference along with that wonder along with the good jobs comes a lot of the bad ones and I'm also here to tell you that it isn't the big things that make us worse the 911s the Oklahoma City bombings the Parkland shootings those are terrible incidents tragic absolutely tragic and will devastate a practitioner devastate a provider devastate police officer fire fire anybody was involved but it's the little things the day-to-day stuff every single day going to work the infant the two-month-old and cardiac arrest that you know you can't fix you know your efforts are futile but you're trying like hell anyway the 80 year old the man who was married for 60 years and he was in cardiac arrest that you're on the floor trying to resuscitate him you look up and you see his wedding picture from 60 years ago and then you look his spouse in the face knowing that her world is about to crumble it's the little things the gunshots the stabbings the mangled vehicles the constant tragedy every single day we see people at their worst and probably one of the worst parts about our lives and our profession is our successes our hidden our failures our very public so I have a good friend of mine who would tell you suck it up get over it you know what you signed up for this was you nobody told you to do this gun to your head to do this job suck it up stop playing the victim because people rely on you people need you they need you to be you not drop into the fetal position and suck your thumb every single time the radio goes off well I will tell you there are not many things in this world that I am good at but I am damn good at this job and no matter how bad I've gotten no matter how I talk my life has ever gotten I've gotten up on that radio and off and you'll get my best and as a matter of fact I've gotten better I've gotten more compassionate I've gotten I become a better provider because I had an epiphany about 12 years ago I was working two full-time jobs for those of you who aren't familiar with EMS we used to call EMS earn money sleeping I could go to a job and go and get a few good power naps to this day I can sleep better in a vehicle than I can in my own bed I could sleep better in a chair but I was working two full-time jobs I used to work a day tour in Corona Queens and then I used to go right to an overnight in South Jamaica not two very good areas if you're familiar with the area when I was in the middle of a nap it was a beautiful nap as a matter of fact one of those really good mouths drying naps and I got woke up for a hanging and I was pretty burnt out at the time so I went and I went to a house and there was a basement apartment whose gentleman who was 5 feet 11 inches tall trying to hang himself off of a six-foot ceiling for the record that doesn't work so in my burnt-out state in my really poor state my mental condition was so bad or was so burnt so cajun as we also like to call it I treated that man like crap so as I was backing the ambulance into the ER bay a good friend of mine Mike Hiro the man I wanted to be the man everybody wanted to be he was the life of every single party he went into if you worked with him it was wonderful it was the best tour you'll ever have in your life he actually had the best parties backed me in I opened up the doors My partner walked that gentleman into the ER we didn't even give him the dignity of a stretcher that's how bad it was so my good friend my hero had said to me what do you got some jerk screaming for attention tried to hang himself and I got a verbal kick in the gut too one of the people who I respected most in this life looked me in the face and said Wow turn to walked away well I chased him down and said hey hey hey how about an explanation there's exact words to me where Wow all these years I've known you I didn't know just how big of an [ __ ] you really are he turned around he walked away from me now this is a man I spoke to one to three times a day depending on the sports season we would talk all the time never talk to me he wouldn't speak to me we finally got into the truck one day when I had to work with him and after an awkward silence I said what happened what's the deal what did I do and he woke me up like I've never been woke up before he said to me Tony do you have any idea what must have been going through that man's head you have any idea what he must have been thinking that death was his only relief from his pain even if it was a cry for help it didn't matter death was the only relief he had and then he told something I couldn't believe he told me how bad his depression is crippling depression depression that would make him literally be in bed for a week he used to get hurt on the job wasn't hurt couldn't get out of bed it was right that in there that I knew you'd never know who you're sitting next to you never know the demons that they're battling and then he punched me in the face again and he said my friend you're hurtin he said you don't realize it yet you haven't accepted it yet but you're in trouble you need help you got to get it soon and it's funny the way life works sometimes because I didn't even know this because that my other full-time job all of my friends were talking to my bosses and telling them Tony's in trouble there's something wrong he's not acting right he's not a bad bad place so I was forced to take a vacation and that forced vacation really woke me up and I actually reconnected with my hero and we got some therapy for me I started seeing a therapist and that fizzled out really bad because I was not ready to stop sucking it up and getting over it I didn't want to talk about it I even care self-reflection it was who cares about self-reflection give me a break I'm tough I'm a paramedic I have a New York City paramedic damn it I'm tougher than this so what happened I fell right back into the same destructive behaviors started working more as a matter of fact I had two full-time jobs and a part-time job I was working roughly about a hundred and ten hours a week so this is what happened I was partying hard and working harder working hard partying harder so what if I wasn't at work I was at the bar if I wasn't at the bar I was at work every once in a while we throw some golf in there too but now that I think about it there's a pretty big bar involved in golf as well see a pattern I started drinking pretty heavily and it started getting worse and worse and I started getting it to a darker and darker place but I had an outward persona that was wonderful I was I was a happy guy I was my hero I was putting on a facade but deep down inside I was terrible I was hurting I was in pain and then I had a phone call that changed my life late one night I received a phone call from someone than it was an apology it was an apology for sexually abusing me when I was a child now I remembered that but never accepted it never really went with it didn't want to deal with it suck it up get over it well I went into a deep despair I went into fear guilt I felt guilty that this happened to me I had no help no support didn't want to talk to any of my friends about it so guess what happened I started drinking more so fast forward about six months until I was in my darkest place I'm sitting in my man cave which I'm very proud of by the way in my man cave highly intoxicated and ready I took out a bottle of vicodin I poured the pills in my hand that was it I was done pain was too much I couldn't do it anymore I knew what that gentleman who tried to hang himself felt like I knew that the only relief was to end it and I could strike lightning my phone rang 11:30 at night as a good friend of mine he had to tell me about a story he just heard in the bar you aren't gonna believe this you are never gonna believe what he said and we sat there and we talked and we talked and we talked and I laughed and laughed and laughed and as laughs I put the vicodin pills back in the bottle and I lived for another day and there's one thing I've always overlooked one thing I've never accepted what they have never really done and that's thank him for doing that and he's here tonight so thank you he saved my life I lived a little more time and four and a half months later my four month old daughter is sleeping two flights up and she was a great baby unbelievable that that baby slept from the moment she walked came home to the moment she turned about 1 or 2 she actually I keep saying she suckered us into having the second because not even one of them will sleep notice the bags under my eyes and I was sitting down to my Mickey if again intoxicated see a pattern and I couldn't take it anymore the pain was just too much and this baby this child who never woke up who went to sleep at 8 o'clock and woke up at 9 in the morning never stirred once I poured those bottles those pills in my hand and she started screaming bloody murder I had no idea what was going on a scaredy ever living bejesus out of me I've been a paramedic for most of my adult life and when your children get her Oh all bets are off I become a blubbering idiot so I ran upstairs and I grabbed her out of her crib I started rocking her we sat on our chair I started playing John Mayer on my phone don't judge she liked it and I look down at her face I said she needs me she needs me so after that I started to make a change my wife who has always been a supporter of mine always listened to me always been there to help me laughs help me cry always there to sometimes just not say anything I needed to do it for her too I needed to know that this was gonna be my chance so I started calling therapists immediately and for the record I had already tried three therapists but guess what luck and habit the fourth times a charm and we clicked immediately and she zeroed in immediately on my childhood because she said your childhood is the reason that you're feeling the way you're feeling because of your job your childhood that trauma is because of everything that you've experienced as it this is what you have to fix so after tons and tons of self-reflection which hurt and it was terrible and it was awful it was so painful sometimes I couldn't speak after I was done I started to get better prior to this I had ballooned to 450 pounds I was drinking that gallon of coffee a day I even started chewing tobacco I was committing suicide by food and alcohol well I'm proud to say that after getting my head straight with my therapist and my family and friends I'm a hundred and forty pounds lighter five to six times a week it's actually become somewhat of an obsession and I don't suck it up anymore I know I don't do that I don't let anybody feel that they have to suck it up I talk to everybody that will listen in regards to this it's okay to not be okay it is okay to be hurt it is okay to feel emotion it is okay to cry it's okay my wife and my best friend will tell you I cry more than I probably should but it's okay I've lost a lot of friends to suicide I've lost a lot of friends to drugs and alcohol and I'll tell you if one of them just had a friend they made a phone call at 11:30 at night to tell you a funny story maybe it would work maybe they'd still be here if they had a four-month-old that screamed at just the right time maybe they would be better maybe they wouldn't be fighting the demons that they're still fighting suck it up doesn't work if you are in this field if you know somebody keep an eye on things make a phone call send a text message just check in sometimes the littlest things and make the biggest of difference that's all I'm asking for I won't give up I won't stop my wife knows that in the middle of the night of three o'clock in the morning my phone rings it's somebody that needs to talk or somebody that needs me I will get in my car and drive whatever I have to go I will not let people be alone I will not let them be the way I was in that man cave I won't do it so all I'm asking is you do the same suck it up doesn't work from the bottom of my heart thank you for listening [Applause]