Clean Pain vs. Dirty Pain: Understanding and Managing Suffering

Introduction

• Do you know someone who seems always offended or dramatic?
• Are you that person creating your own suffering?
• This lecture simplifies pain into two categories: Clean Pain and Dirty Pain.
• Knowing the difference can help in resolving most of the pain we experience.

Story of Rose

• Rose worried for two weeks about what her friend wanted to discuss over coffee.
• She assumed it was about her, causing herself stress and anxiety.
• The friend revealed she was getting a divorce, immediately shifting Rose's perspective from self-centered fear to compassion.

Two Categories of Pain

Clean Pain

• Innate emotions from life experiences.
• Includes: joy, gratitude, wonder, hurt, grief, regret, sadness.
• Example: Rose feeling compassion and sadness for her friend's divorce

Dirty Pain

• Suffering created by our thoughts, choices, and actions.
• Includes: bitterness, anger over perceived slights, stress from assuming blame.
• Example: Rose's self-inflicted stress worrying about her friend’s motives.

Causes of Dirty Pain

• Thoughts about the world
• Blaming others
• Taking offense
• Holding grudges
• Taking things personally
• Distorted thinking patterns
• Shaming for emotions
• Avoiding problems
• Comparison and competition
• Making bad choices
• Being reactive
• Choices that go against values
• Chronic stress: believing you're in danger when you're actually safe

Lecture Goals

• Recognize how actions, thoughts, and responses create suffering.
• Learn to stop self-inflicted suffering.

Empowerment vs. Discouragement

Common reactions for those with depression or anxiety:

• Helplessness: "Oh, this isn't fair. It's my genes, it's not my fault."
• Self-Blame: "Everything is my fault, I'm a terrible person."
• Importance of Learning Actions Contributing to Pain: "It's not your fault you experience depression or anxiety, but you can do something about it."

Avoiding Responsibility and Blame

• Blocks healing.
• Victimhood and Blame: "I'm 100% responsible for what I am responsible for."

Example of Mike

• Mike's boss gave him an overwhelming assignment.
• Challenges: lack of focus, supply chain issues, co-worker delays.
• Boss yells at him for missed deadline.
• Mike's reactions: anger, blaming others, self-doubt, and guilt.
• Result: Mike feels depressed, discouraged, and helpless.
• Mike's self-created suffering.

Importance of clarity in responsibility

• "I am responsible for my thoughts and actions; others' reactions are out of my control."
• Examples of control vs. lack of control:
  • "Boss's emotions and co-workers' speed are out of my control."

Locus of Control Activity

• Writing down issues to see what you control.
• Mike identifies needed discussions and self-improvements.
• Changing thinking patterns and avoiding cognitive distortions.
• Creating hope and taking actionable steps.

Conclusion

• Much of our suffering is self-inflicted but also fixable.
• Identifying self-created pain can lead to taking actions that reduce suffering.
• Allows for turning pain into peace.
• Helps healing from anger, fear, and depression.

Summary

• Awareness of clean and dirty pain concepts help in understanding and managing suffering.
• Terms like clean and dirty pain can be oversimplifying but are useful in practical applications.
• Time spent identifying and adjusting thoughts/self-caused suffering is valuable for personal growth.
• Take responsibility only for what's in your control for empowerment and action.