Oh, hi! I was just contemplating the brevity of life, watching clock hands turn cartwheels as daddy time slowly and imperceptibly warps my youthful features with gravity, my body wasting away like an ocean-side cliff, eroded with the surge of each passing, pounding wave, until inevitably, I am reduced to dirt. A meal for an earthworm to eat before writhing onto deceptively damp pavement, Only to be dried up by the morning sun and kicked aside by a kindergartner on the way to their first day of class. But enough about me. How are you doing?
Aging. You know, that thing we all try not to think about while we're playing our little video games and eating our little snacks and watching our little videos. Well, while scrolling through TikTok watching my little videos, my dank memes and Vaguely depressing political news was interrupted by this.
Doth my eyes deceiveth me. Over 300,000 TikTok users liked a video where a doctor is shaming people for laughing too much. Rankles.
Ew. Have you tried not expressing basic human joy? This woman really said, POV, you've had a happy and fulfilling life, why would you do that?
You're ugly now, what is wrong with you? Now, I promised my mama I'd never hit a woman, so I'm gonna have to settle for destroying her in the marketplace of ideas. Get bent! Notice how all the pictures this pharmaceutical fart used were of women? That's a total coincidence and not at all indicative of a larger pattern that we will be seeing repeated throughout this video.
After finishing this little eight-second clip, my hackles were raised. And of course, as usual, I had to immediately torment myself by trying to find as many of these crazy anti-aging TikToks as I could. What an excellent use of my...
Very limited time on earth. Let's go. This is the wrong way to drink out of a straw because it can cause wrinkles. So I got this straw on Amazon and it literally is the best.
It doesn't cause wrinkles. You can easily drink out from the top of it. This might be the best invention for anti-aging.
This is a straw that is supposed to prevent you from pursing your lips when you take a sip. Gosh, if there was only some way that you could drink liquid from a cup without buying a straw that makes you look like an idiot. What a puzzling conundrum.
I can think of at least one other activity besides sucking a straw or smoking that's gonna give you mouth wrinkles, and I'm definitely not giving that up. Kissing my cat on his tiny forehead. You are now a few minutes older than when you first started this video, but don't panic, because today's sponsor has a product you're sure to enjoy. no matter how many wrinkles you have. Today I have the pleasure to introduce Laylo's Sona 2 Travel, a vibrating little travel buddy who is sure to make your adventures a little more memorable.
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I love how it's curved, it makes it way easier to hold than a typical rose-shaped toy. Prioritize your personal pleasure today and get a toy that can keep up with your busy itinerary. Go to the link on screen or in the description to buy a Sonatube Travel of your very own and use the code FUNKYFROGBATE to get a free personal moisturizer. Now back to the delightful dystopia of anti-aging TikTok. Damn, girl, you are destroying that Riverina Fresh Full Cream.
Can you slow down and leave some for the rest of us? Chug, chug, chug. Uh, quick question. Uh, if I'm not supposed to drink when I'm thirsty, when am I supposed to drink?
The sunscreen indoors does seem a little bit paranoid to me, but that just might be because I hunker down in the deepest, darkest, most secluded corner of my dwelling when I- ...whenever the sun is up. This is aging your neck. Looking at your phone like this creates a crease here.
So make sure you hold your phone at eye level to avoid unnecessary creasing of the neck. Excellent advice! I'll be sure to do this next time I'm in public. Hello, I'm just a normal citizen using my cellular device, definitely not taking any pictures of you for nefarious purpose-Where are you going? Hey, come back here.
Okay, that, uh, seems like a lot. You are one common cold away from seeing the pearly gates, girlfriend! I pray the Lord my nasal passages to keep clear of mucus so I don't f***ing die. Bad habits that make you age faster, part 46. Eating too much spicy food. Taking long, super hot showers.
Eating processed meats like bacon, sausage, or hot dogs. Instructions unclear. What is, uh, going on here? Can someone explain to me how looking like Yossify Hannibal Lecter is supposed to prevent aging?
Apparently, a big trend in the anti-aging community right now is these... very expensive LED masks that supposedly prevent wrinkles and acne. If you have skin that's just starting to age but you also break out, I would say the Dr. Dennis Gross is the one for you. It has obviously red light, which is what most LED masks have, but it also has blue light, which is great for anti-acne, and you can turn on both at the same time, which is what I do. I love dual-purpose products.
I can make sure that my skin is silky smooth while I... slaughter my neighbor's family during the purge. Now, LED therapy is approved by the U.S.
Food and Drug Administration, but there seems to be a consensus amongst dermatologists who aren't being paid to say otherwise that the benefits of these at-home LED treatments are minimal to non-existent. But hey, if you want to drop $400 on a mask you could have bought at Spirit Halloween for $15... Be my guest. This is just one example of many, many anti-aging products that just don't really have that much scientific backing. It gets a little extra unethical when the people vouching for these products have had extensive work done trying to convince their audience that some moisturizer will make them look like a celebrity.
But while creams and masks may break the bank there are other anti-aging solutions that are far more extreme after they've peeled everything off that she's had a lot of tightening incredible transformation here but this is risky it should never be done at home yeah so i couldn't even show the first part of that video because she literally had her skin chemically burned off like freddy krueger style and if I included that. This video would get demonetized faster than you can say, aww shit. If you like to torture yourself, keep watching this video.
Today I saw my girlfriend who's a cosmetic injector faced by SM and we did Morpheus 8. It's a micro-needling device that uses radiofrequency and apparently Kim Kardashian loves it. We even used numbing cream and I still cried. This thing hurts like a mother.
Deep pass. Feels like getting electrocuted. Just in case those testimonies weren't enough to convince you how painful this procedure is, here's a brief demonstration on how deeply this medieval torture device penetrates the skin.
Ouch. Apparently the Morpheus 8 is used to remodel and contour the face, but personally I much prefer the needles that do cooler stuff, like permanently etching this stupid ghost into my skin for all eternity. But of all the videos we've seen and all the plastic surgery we haven't even covered, nothing disturbed me quite as much as this. Today's the day I'm going to tell you how I learned to stop using the muscles in my face. This is one of my most asked questions.
When I would get home from school, I would sit in front of my mirror and I would practice having a full-blown conversation with myself, being happy, sad, angry, mad, everything, without using the muscles in my face, hoping that in the future, 30-year-old me... 40 year old me would not have wrinkles and would be able to talk and be happy, sit in front of the mirror, just try and practice. It took hours.
I'll admit it took hours, but it is worth it, I'm telling you, and it's possible. To see someone so-I'm being very serious right now-To see someone be so terrified of the natural progression of aging, that they don't even allow themselves to make basic- Human expressions is It's horrifying. What's even worse is the many people in her comment section asking her for tips or sharing their own. Can you go in depth on what muscles best not to move?
Oh yes, love this. Instead of raising my eyebrows when I'm surprised or excited, I train myself to just widen my eyes instead and it works. Yes, OMG.
yes. I fear that when people like this inevitably see that very first wrinkle pop up on their youthful skin, they're not going to be able to handle it. The first thing we're going to address are smile lines, and what you're going to want to do for that is smile and chew up.
Let me explain. Level one, you're just going to be smiling. Level two, you're going to actually use gum, and you're going to chew upwards.
So you want to be activating this muscle right here like this. I know it looks a little weird, but trust me, it's going to strengthen this whole muscle and it's going to give you a really heart-shaped face, which is extremely youthful. This fear of aging is incredibly pervasive on social media, leading to these 24-year-old women in the prime of their life, by the way, joking about being undesirable because of forehead wrinkles and a literal 14-year-old kid posting an anti-aging skincare routine.
I repeat. A literal child? Watching these videos made me think of my favorite quote from Carrie Fisher. Youth and beauty are not accomplishments.
They're the temporary happy byproducts of time and or DNA. Don't hold your breath. for either. Personally, I'm pretty excited to be the sluttiest raisin at the supermarket. You think I'm gonna stop wearing fishnets and crop tops when I'm 85?
Oh no. Hold on to your catheters, gentlemen and ladies, pull up those Depends or we're gonna need a clean up on aisle five. As I mentioned previously, while there are many men who have also been swept up in the anti-aging craze like that That ghoul-eyed tech billionaire that spends $2 million a year to stay young and swap blood with his son like a super lame vampire?
It's very obvious that a vast majority of anti-aging content and products are directed towards women. And I have to ask, why is that? This topic is pretty complex to deal with in a video that's any shorter than 4 hours, but it's not. Let's hit some highlights. First off, I want to clarify that yes, men have their own set of ridiculous beauty standards that they're expected to adhere to.
The difference is, unlike women, historically, men have had far more opportunities to accrue social status through other means besides physical appearance. Not to mention, many of the more extreme standards for male beauty tend to be more related to the concept of the male power fantasy rather than the actual preferences of the opposite gender. To put it bluntly, your lady friend is a lot more likely to turn into a waterslide watching Mr. Darcy stand in the rain.
than seeing some dude with abs. When it comes to women, the standard of attractiveness they tend to be compared to, regardless of age, is their proximity to youth. Here's some data that will probably not surprise you, but will also probably kind of make you mad. These two charts from the book Dataclysm show that in a study conducted with OkCupid users, women tended to prefer men around their own age.
While men, regardless of their age, found women in their early 20s the most attractive. 50-year-old men were more attracted to women young enough to be their daughters than a partner of their own age. Awesome! Thank God the youngest age was 20, or I'm sure a lot of those gentlemen would have gone lower.
Now, there are plenty of men out there who love their cougars, but it's very apparent in our society that on average, Men tend to go for women much younger than them. Further evidence supporting the idea that youthfulness is the dominant factor when it comes to how society judges a woman's attractiveness, and unfortunately, therefore, her value is the way women are edited in magazines. This is illustrated beautifully by TikTok user at Caroline in the City, who made a series of videos where she photoshopped male celebrities the same way female celebrities are. I mean, look at this.
You can see every beautiful pore on Pedro Pascal's beautiful face. Why can't we do the same for the women instead of airbrushing them to look like creepy, expressionless dolls? The only time you'll see a male celebrity de-aged that aggressively is if he's literally being deepfaked to play a younger version. version of himself for a movie flashback.
Now, I know what I look like, I know the type of comments I get, I know the kind of pushback I'm gonna get on this video. This is just biology. Men are wired to seek out the youngest, most fertile females to breed with.
That's just how things are. First off, human relationships extend far beyond this animalistic desire to produce offspring, but sure, Let's use that logic. With that logic, then, older women should be able to go after the youngest men they possibly can. Testosterone-fueled with high sperm counts, they'll be better fathers. They'll be much more likely to conceive a child and be better suited to protect that child in the wild, right?
Look at this little society we've created, where every single young person must live in constant terror of being a accosted by a wrinkly old person seeking to produce progeny. You see how ridiculous it gets when we start comparing people to animals? I mean, if we really want to make an argument to nature here, then you boys better find your most fabulous colorful pants and start twerking at your local clubs to get a woman because... That's what birds do. Now I'll give credit where credit is due, the anti-aging industry is not nearly as cruel to women as it used to be.
You know, when advertisers could say things like,"'Hey, you saggy.""'Your husband is banging his secretary"'because you're ugly."'Put this cream on your face, you heaving sow.'"Advertisers still fearmonger women, but it's just a little more subtle now. However, the threat of aging still hangs precariously over every woman's head. A crinkle at the corner of the eye or a furrow between the brows treated as a personal failure to be punished with disgust and abandonment.
All of this to say, as ridiculous as these anti-aging TikToks are, I am in no way shaming or mocking the women themselves. All of them are victims to powerful and ancient social pressures that are Bigger than any of us. I'm incredibly proud of my generation though.
I have seen so many young people posting anti-anti-aging TikToks, celebrating the human experience of living life to the fullest, and accepting and embracing the reality that one day their body will tell their story. Hey! I'm from the future! I-I'm YOU from the future!
Uh, we decided to just go ahead and follow all of the anti-aging TikTok advice. Seriously? I had a-I had a super poetic ending going there.
I was gonna-I was gonna do a little-a little fade to black. You-you were really killing the vibe, man. Oh god, forget the vibe!
I'm 67 years old and we look incredible. Oh my god, what did we do with our life? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so we have a three hour skincare routine. I'll make sure to splurge-a-splurge it to you so you can get caught up on that.
You guys have smurg-a-splurge, right? No, I mean like, what did we accomplish? Um, we accomplished preserving this sexy little fossil, okay? That's a 24-7, 365 job, kiddo.
But we didn't have time.