Overview
Roxane Gay discusses her memoir "Hunger," exploring her lifelong struggles with body image, trauma, sexuality, and self-acceptance. The conversation addresses her reluctance to confront her experiences, the aftermath of childhood assault, and her ongoing efforts to break down protective barriers built over years.
Writing "Hunger"
- Gay delayed writing "Hunger" due to fear of vulnerability and exposing personal truths.
- She describes the process as necessary but emotionally difficult, leading to significant procrastination.
Impact of Assault and Secrecy
- At age 12, Gay was a victim of gang rape but lacked vocabulary or understanding to process it.
- She initially believed she was complicit and internalized blame due to her naivety and lack of support.
- Fear and shame, amplified by Catholic upbringing, kept her from confiding in her parents.
- The secrecy grew over time, making disclosure increasingly daunting.
Social Repercussions and Body Image
- The perpetrators spread a false narrative, causing Gay to be ostracized and bullied at school.
- She used overeating as a method of comfort and self-protection, seeking to become larger and less vulnerable.
- Gay felt her body was problematic mainly due to societal reactions; shame was imposed externally.
Identity, Sexuality, and Community
- Gay came out as a lesbian while recognizing her attraction to men, seeking safety and acceptance in the lesbian community.
- The community's support was invaluable during her period of self-discovery.
Early Internet Experiences
- Gay valued early online interactions, noting that text-based communication allowed her to be judged on her personality before her appearance.
- She acknowledges the risks she took but contrasts the Internet of her youth with today’s environment.
Revisiting Trauma
- Gay once attempted to contact her rapist, desiring acknowledgment and apology, though she ultimately did not speak to him.
- She expresses a lasting wish for recognition of the harm done to her.
Public Perception and Online Harassment
- Media focus on her weight reveals societal fixation and sensationalism.
- She experiences extensive online trolling, much of it related to her feminism, race, and size.
Current Self-Perception and Growth
- Gay is working to dismantle the defensive barriers associated with her trauma.
- She wants to be smaller for personal comfort and vanity but is not driven by a desire for thinness.
- Writing the memoir helped her recognize outdated coping mechanisms, and she is committed to adopting healthier behaviors.
- She feels emotionally and mentally ready to move forward, despite knowing change will not be easy.