I'm going to be like this. And then I'm going to be like this. I'm going to be like this. I'm going to stop. Please. Please, I can't. I can't do this. Please. I can't do this. Oh, yes! Oh, yes, my little standing-headed friend! I think you're nice, thank you very much! Thank you for the standing ovation, you made the orgasm up front, let's have a cigarette, let's relax! We're here in New York, fuckin'New York! Yes! Obviously, this is not going to be your normal night of theater. This will be Shakespeare with a strap on. So that's the way you like it. Right here on Broadway, in the Broadway theater, a place where Essel would go, I like big butts, I don't know why. Or Carol Channing could go, what if God was one of us? Welcome to my lovely set, which is from the musical Fantastic Voyage. Or maybe the last thing a clitoris sees. I'm over here! I'm down here! This is brought to you by HBO, which is subsidiary of Time Warner, also owned by America Online. You've got mail. I hope you don't have stocks. Now, how... How's the... How do you do? It was so reassuring the other day, George W. Bush talked to the stock market and... It must be him talking about business ethics is kind of like having a leopard give you a facial. It doesn't really work. A lot of our imports come from other countries. No shit. It's not... We're not alone. Meanwhile, Michael is protesting. I didn't know, Ben. It was strange enough when Michael was the best man at Liza's wedding. That for me was like, you're pushing the term, my man. That was a pretty short list. Was Richard Simmons hunting? What happened? What were you doing? I'm the best man in the world. But now Michael is claiming racism. I'm going, honey, you got to pick a race first. Birdie! What are you planning? Mistreatment of elves? What are you saying? Girl, you gotta pick a chapter two! What are you going for? You were Diana Ross, now you just left it all behind! Wasn't it you who said, Jew me, Sue me, Pipe me, Kick me, Woo! No, today, babe, and Michael, you're not a freak. You're just, well, surgically enhanced. And you've spent more money than the Vatican, so let's not talk about this. If you go to Neverland it says you must be this high to ride Michael's Thank you. Obviously people in the lawyers for HBO are going, Fuck! But how fucked up do you have to be for Al Sharpton to go, I'm outta here man. God dang. Woo! I'm gonna manage. If Al Sharpton bailed on your ass, even rats are going, man, that guy's queer. From the Don King School of Hair Processing, he's running for office in Idaho on the what a fucking wild, crazy chance in hell you'll be elected ticket. Sorry, my lips just went, what did you say? Couple of dyslexic people went, thank you, Robin. Thank you. We're worried about the Pledge of Allegiance. We were going to say, one nation under dog. It's okay. I know people are going, I've got a cure for this. I think it's one nation under Canada above Mexico. Yeah, but then you have to do the whole of it. There's anthems like, someone bless America. Instead of in the dollar bill, instead of in God we trust, in Gates we trust. Mr. Gates, when did you realize you were creating a monopoly? Monopoly is just a game, Senator. I'm trying to control the fucking world. Don't you see Windows Millennium Me? It's all leading to information technology. Soon it'll be total information technology. TIT! And when you're sucking on the tit, I have you by the motherboard. Don't be afraid! But it's a nice day in New York, my people. It's a beautiful day. New York police have a catch and release program. Way to go. Stop! Okay, go on again. You need to get the fuck out of here. I like New York on a day like today. I mean, for a while, you know, everything might be cool. Like, are you okay? And now people are back to being New Yorkers. Like, have a nice day, asshole. Fuck you, my friend. Enjoy your day. But the most beautiful thing about a day like today in this New York is that the ladies take the twins for a walk. Oh yeah, the titties are out today! On a hot day, all the titties are out there and they're the titties like God made them going, huddy meh meh, huddy meh meh. Beautiful titties, all different shapes and sizes and women running and they're going, hubba da hubba da hubba da. And then they hit a breeze and chicken's done. Hey! Yeah, baby! These are not like the tits in Vegas where even God goes, I didn't make those. Weird tits. You know, fake tits are like Nazis. They don't laugh, they don't dance, they just I'm walking here! I've seen a woman turn and the tits stay there. Babies lucky they don't have any teeth because they'd knock them out. I've seen tits that are really bad like they had the nipples on the top it looked like Kilroy. But don't talk to me about that when you go up Madison Avenue you see some hardcore surgery like I'm so scared but I can't express it. These are the ladies who've had so much surgery they're going what are these lumps under my eyes those are your tits madam. What's this? Don't ask, Mrs. Trotsky, don't ask. This is good news for you. And we're all getting Botox injections, so... Look, I don't have any wrinkles. You also have no expression. You look like you've had a slight coma, but you're beautiful. All this amazing transformation. When guys say to you, Baby, I want you to get your tits done for me, okay? Mm-hmm. Do it for me. Do it for your daddy man. Then you say, okay, daddy man. Then I want you to get your balls done for me. I want you to get those big old Voight basketballs. So when you do the Baywatch thing, it's like... Nothing drives a woman crazy like a big old Easter basket on her bunny. So when you go to the doctor... Girls and... Hey, that's a bitch. Go for it, girl. Because you went through a hard time. This whole winter was so bizarre. The temperatures, it was like 80, 20, 30, 50. It was weathered by Sybil. It was fucking weird. The weathermen are going, I don't fucking know what's going on. Let's just see what happens. This spring, flowers are like Anne Hesh going, I'm out, I'm in, I'm out. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. God, now, I love it when George came back from Japan. He went, I went to the Coyote Conference. No, it's Kyoto. Oh, it's a very good car. No. George, walk away. And they say there's no global warming, but right now the North Pole is a pool. There's things just floating away, and it is beyond global warming at this point. It is cooking. It's 105 in the middle of the country, and people come up going, Is it hot enough for you? No, I like sweat to be rolling down the crack of my ass like Niagara. I like my old man titties to lactate, my man. And you see people in shorts that you're going, please don't wear those. Oh, please don't put those on. And if you go to Southwest Airlines, they're going, I'm sorry, you're not fat, you're horizontally challenged. Big people, and now if you go to Southwest Airlines, you have to buy two seats. The problem is they're not together. It's scary, you know, and you have to put your tits in the overhead rack, but people don't mind now. We're working our way through, and all over the country, you've got weird things like in Houston. Houston, they got Enron Field. We're going to call it Fifth Amendment Field, but fuck. We can't call it we're fucked for you. Arthur Anderson put in the chairs that spin both ways. And now Martha Stewart may become somebody's bitch. Walt! Say it ain't so! I like to consider it more like severe companion. If you only have one room, and I like to call it my private space, use the light well. You know, you have vertical bars, don't use horizontal blinds. Also, think of your ankle bracelet as an accessory. When it goes off, I just can't wait for her going, the first time she has lunch, going, you call this teach? Shut up, bitch, you're inside now, you're mine. Shut down, baby. All over, things have been going good here. I've been all over. I've been to Memphis. I've been to Graceland. And I never knew that Ray Charles had a decorating license. But there's some severe dead fellas there that have never seen daylight. I've been to Nashville. I've heard people sing songs like, oh, take your finger out of my ass, because I'm leaving you behind. Funny as shit, people do it now. It's a weird thing and sweating like crazy up here right now, but it's HBO because it's live. On and on out. Now you've got it all going on. People playing baseball. It's good. You've got a good season. Yankees are kicking again. Way to go. You know that. That's all right. We did a good job. It came through. And everybody's worried about people playing, you know, playing baseball on steroids. I'm going, really? Well, here's one quick way you tell. Two things happen on steroids. Your balls shrink and your head grows. So someone steps up to the plate with a Mardi Gras head and raisinets. You're out! Watch out! Poor Barry Bonds, man. They won't pitch to him. And when they do, they're trying to kill him. He's like, yes, I've had a baseball, man. And for Jerusalem right now, I do believe there's a plan. I have a plan. It's an interesting plan. It's called a timeshare like Miami. Let's try that. Jews will get Hanukkah, Passover, Christians will get Christmas and Easter, and the Muslims will have Ramadan and that other holiday, kaboom. Now, obviously right now the people at HVU are going, oh, fuck off! What are you doing, you asshole? But for me, I'm very excited because this is my time when I was watching World Cup soccer, my man. I saw World Cup, baby. No, no. Few soccer fans, the rest of you are going, that's like football without pads, right? For the rest of the world, it's football. For us, it's like a strange sport played by damaged people. We made it in the World Cup. Everybody plays it. Not like the World Series because the French don't have a baseball team. If they did, they would only have left field and no one would be safe. The other time! What can you do, huh? It is Bastille Day, alors! Allons-y de la patrie! Today, Marie Antoinette gave the ultimate head. Look out! We are French. Fuck you Americans. I don't care. My friend is in right now, my Lance Armstrong is in France, racing in the Tour de France. He is right now, and every year the French go, he is on chemicals. I'm going, it's chemotherapy, you little toad fucker! I'm going to the French. Okay, he has one testicle, he's aerodynamic. Everybody cut off your balls, you'll be quicker. Do it! Don't be afraid, eh! Because, you know when you look at the World Cup, America finally made it. We made it to the 16, baby! Oh yeah! We're no longer in the Special Olympics category. They used to see us coming going, oh, give it to them, they're damaged people. I'm in for the ball! I got a ball! I see the ball! Unlike the Brazilians, man, when the Brazilians play, it's like bang bang dum bang bang bang bang bang. Bang bang bang. And the fans are like, bang bang dum bang bang bang. Brazilians going, look, I'm playing soccer, okay. Look, I'm scoring. And now I'm kicking the ball. The soccer's kinda mellow, you know, it's a little passive aggressive though when you got that thing of like I didn't do anything! What are you looking at? It's not like hockey where someone comes up with a stick and goes That's why there are no Spanish hockey players, cause the first time a white guy takes a stick and goes Motherfucker, I'm going to cut you all down! And you Freddy Krueger bitch, take off the mask, motherfucker! Coming in there, goddammit! But like soccer, sometimes guys that do this weird thing, they'll fall down and pretend like, Oh shit! I'm sorry! I've been killed! I've been blinded! There's nobody near me, huh? Okay, I'm kidding. And the referee comes over. Yellow card! Two yellow cards. Red card! Hold on. Three cards. Green card! The referee is so sweet, too. He's kind of like, okay, what's your name? Turn around. What's your fucking name? Why didn't you call me after the Mexico game? Not like, you know, football referees who have that too much commercial time! Bad white men dancing on the field! Moving away, moving away! What are we doing? It was strange in the World Cup they always claim refereeing, someone may have been paid off. Oh shit, saying ain't so. You're telling me that the Oscars are also political? Oh fuck off! Shh! The mauve hand! Shhh! Terry Godfather, does this pistol make my ass look big? Shh. If you go to LA, there's a great greeting these people do. They come up and go, love ya. Love you. Hey, love you. Love you! We were talking briefly about bad refereeing. The worst one, I guess, was in the Winter Olympics with the French judge. Once again, the French fuck with us. The Canadians, they skate perfectly. We did it perfect. And then the Russians, they come, oh, fuck. They fucked up. And the French judge went, how like life? They fucked up. I give it to them. At that point, I'm going, where is Tanya Harding when you need her? Tanya would have been on that judge like shit on Velcro. She'll be going, give me that medal, you French whore! I won! But instead we get to see Tanya fight Paula Jones in an all-white crash weekend. Trailer Park TV! And Tanya went right for Paula, too. She went right for the nose. Not the nose, that's the Clinton money, not the nose! And then next it's gonna be Joy Buttafuoco fights John Wayne Bobbitt. There will be no hitting below the belt there, my friend. Oh fuck man, give it back! My balls are in the front row! What's next? The Nixon Daughters'battle for the library money! Be there or else my bitches go at it! At this point even Caligula's going, what the fuck are you people doing? Why did you have Hannibal Lecter and Iron Chef just kick out the jam? because we've got the chamber the chair fear factor people in Texas are going we got those shows we just don't sell money two weeks ago the Supreme Court banned execution of retarded people and people in Texas are going shit where's the fun now cuz they were zapping retarded people every other week was like go sit on Santa's lap Timmy okay And I know the definition of retarded in Texas is pretty wild. But, they're out there, baby. They're crazy. They're bad monsters. They're strong shit out there. It's pretty wild, too. You know, even the Taliban is going, you are crazy motherfuckers. There was a guy with one leg. They weren't going to give him a wooden leg. It was going to be dead man hopping. 5, 10, 15, 20, 21. What? But there is a moment of compassion. Before the lethal injection, they do an alcohol swab, which is so nice. What the fuck are you doing? We don't want you to get that last second infection. Come on now. It's all safe now. Well, you remember the Winter Olympics? They were so proud. They had them in Utah saying, God, that's a great place. What was Amish country book? What happened? Come on down to Salt Lake. We're going to party like it's 1955. Bring your wives. Come on down. At the closing ceremony, they introduced Donny and Marie as the first couple of Utah. I went, honey, no. They're only a couple in Arkansas. I'm going to go to the Ladies and gentlemen, if you're going to Georgia, I just want to tell you Ted Turner and Jane Fonda broke up. They did. Jane found God and Ted found out it wasn't him. Now, we're at the Olympics once again. We're talking about the figure skating where the judge did all the controversy. But I find the figure skating to be kind of sexy. Yeah, baby, you know, not ice dancing, which is polka on Valium. That's not good. But there's that tears figure skating and there's that one very special lift where the male figure skater goes, Right here. Or even a gynecologist would go, put on a glove, man. It's that, who's your daddy, who's your daddy, who's your daddy? Yes! And I'm going, let's cut the foreplay, let's have ice fucking, come on! Whoa, hey, oh! Hey, oh! Oh, yes! Oh, nipples around and... And she holds on without her hand! Even a French judge would go, I like it. I don't care. I'm giving them the medal. Fuck the Canadian. So fabulous. And there's other kind of sexual things in the Olympics. There's the luge, which I have only one question. What drunken German gynecologist invented that sport? What guy went, you know what? I want to dress like a sperm, shove an ice skate in my ass, and go balls first on an ice suit. Yeah. That will be fun. Now this is for pussies. How will you steer? I will do kegels. I will flex my ass and go down the run. Yeah. And do not talk to me about the two-man luge. I'm saying, boys, get a room. Come on. Oh, make that turn, you bastard. Make it. Hard right, you fucking hard right. Poor guy gets to the end of the run going, I got wood, man. I'm sorry. What are you clocked at the race? Your penis going with two 100th of a second wind resistance. We could have won if you weren't going dolphin boy. Yes, and there's always some horrible drug scandal is on the Olympics. This year was a Spanish cross country skeeler, which is like a skier. Are you a skeeler? Yes. He was going down there and he basically, they accused him of taking, well, some performance enhancing drug like an elephant growth hormone or something. Are you on some sort of drug? Are you taking an animal tranquilizer? Oh no! And they didn't bother drug testing the snowboarders, they just went, oh, get the fuck out, go on. Go, go my little boys, have fun! I guess they realized the word halfpipe meant something. Aye, because it's a very strange thing. Remember the kid who won the gold medal? He was in freestyle, and they said, do you want to be in a box of Wheaties? He went, no. Count Chocula. Aha! A clue, Sherlock! Unlike the poor Canadian snowboarder in 1998 Olympics, they took away his medal because he tested positive for marijuana, which is kind of redundant, number one. Number two, they said that marijuana was a performance-enhancing drug. Marijuana enhances many things, colors, tastes, sensations, but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky you can find your own goddamn feet. The only way to perform an ancient drug is if there's a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run. Hold it. And then you'll be a... You'll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, I'm there! Poor Canadian snowboarder, they asked for his medal back and he couldn't find it. It was around his fucking neck. Get out of here, you little goofy Canadian bastard. Then they have weird sports like the biathlon, which is like, it's like Norwegian drive-by. Get the TV, hun! Swayze, and? Well, the Canadians, they won the gold medal in hockey and I went, come on, man, it's a... Yay! All righty! God bless you, Canadian people. You're so fucking nice, eh? It's your only fucking sport, come on! That and a mutant form of football? We've got 13 men, we have a longer field. No, you have fun, enjoy. Yes, we are the Canadians. Canada is like a lost apartment over a really great party, you know? Too much. Keep it down, eh! They're all up there going, yeah, we are nice. We have Jean Chrétien, our great prime minister, huh? And we have that. He's right there. He was the only man in the world. I don't need no secret service. A guy comes to hit me, I fucking knock him out, eh? I'm Jean Chrétien, which first is your president, who is a crétin. But I don't care. But for me, you know, Quebec keeps wanting to break away from Canada, but still keep the currency. What about that? It's like a kid moving out of the house, but I still would like to get money. Fuck off, you. What are you doing? Canadian money is also called the loonie. How can you take an economic crisis serious? The loonie is down. Oh, how sad for you. What are you saying, huh? But everyone was so happy that the Olympics, the security was so tight. They were like, security was amazing at the Olympics. Yeah, Utah's the whitest fucking state in the union. And Arab in Utah is like an albino at the Apollo. You would notice. Back on. And we found one! Oh, he's just tan. Everybody else, come on now. The problem was there was basically white powder everywhere, so all the dogs looking for anthrax are going, oh, shit! You go, man, you go! Poor dogs, they look for anthrax and cocaine. They go back to their cage at the end of the day going, I can't taste my ass. I don't know why. Oh, oh, it's my tail. Meanwhile, your cat sits over there going, you're still an asshole, you know that. Is it me or are cats drag queens? I think they are. The way they kind of go, who loves kitty? You love kitty? Are these your shoes? Who loves kitty? Who loves kitty? And the way they have that whole thing, two male cats have that amazing thing where they're kind of walking around going, that's mine. Mine! I like that too! Thank God men aren't like that! Hey, nice car Bob! Mine now! What are you doing? Oh, just shopping! Back off! Yeah baby! Whoa! The whole anthrax thing had people going. Remember they said, don't open your mail. Why? There's white powder in envelopes. Really? Your mother and I used to look for white powder in envelopes. We weren't online, we did lines, my friend. Just so, yeah. And there were ninjas on the fucking lawn trying to kill us. And now there are people trying to kill us and that's why I bought a gas mask. I thought I'll be safe I've got a gas mask. I went wait a minute. I can't even get a condom on when I want to You know that thing where you're going. Hey, baby. Yeah, I got a I got a love glove. Yeah I'll be right with you, honey Don't go away I mean I You're playing beat the clock. Come on, man. There's your penis like a midget in a diving suit. I don't think we're going in today, Pete. We didn't make the deadline. Oh, yeah, baby. It's out. It's And... Remember when they sent anthrax to Congress? They did. They sent it to Tom Daschle's office. And they cleared that fucking place out. It was naked. Everybody out! Come on! Hazmat suits, they're all leaving. They're putting them underground. They're protecting them. But as the congressmen walk out, they go, But the rest of you, go about your lives. Everything is perfectly okay. We'll be miles away. It's like when you go to the dentist and he puts a little lead bib over your balls. He walks behind concrete going, You'll be fine. How can you tell if Congress was sick? It's Night of the Living Dead anyway. They're all over there, all those old senators like Strom and Jesse going, you know, you know the Confederate flag is just a symbol of states'rights. Yeah, and a swastika is just a Tibetan good luck charm. Now come on. Come on out of here now. It's scary. I have one thing. When did Ted Kennedy become Jabba the Hutt? He's huge. You're a Kennedy, not a Macy's day float. Come on. Bring him down, we're voting! Step away, boy! I said no to the krispy kreme, yes! And Congress recently approved the covert plan to assassinate Saddam Hussein. So what they've done is publicly approve the secret plan to assassinate Hussein. I wonder if he knows! Ah, but I do know. I know this one thing. I know there's a cure for whatever bioterrorism that they send at us. I know there's one, and it lies within Keith Richards. I know that. He is the only man on the planet who can go and tracks. All right. Hey, doesn't go with my cola. Keith is the only man who can make the Osbournes look fucking Amish. He's insane! I've seen Keith go to a drug dealer and the drug dealer's going, I'm out, man. I'm sorry. I have nothing left. Supposedly he goes to Switzerland and changes his blood. Not like one pint, but like a fucking Chevrolet. All of it. I just want to know who gets his blood. Some old Swiss man's going, Heidi! We've gotta go on tour, you bitch! You're gonna pay for me, babies! Come on! Because I know this. I know that we may all be dead and gone. Keith will still be there with five cockroaches. Chiefs will go, you know, I smoked your uncle. Did you know that? Socking crazy. Because this is what's happening, ladies and gentlemen. Every so often, Rumsfeld comes out and goes, I don't know where. I don't know when. But something awful is going to happen. Thank you, that's all for today, no further questions. Oh, excuse me, can you give me a clue? What is it, the Central Intuitive Agency now? Are you working with Miss Cleo? Oh, maybe. I don't know where, I don't know when, but something awful is going to happen. And definitely don't marry that fat money-only-want-you-for-your-money girl. People are suing Ms. Cleo for fraud. I went, fucking duh! What do you want? What do you want, a blind tarot card before you go, aha? First of all, if she's a psychic, why does she need a fucking phone number? Number one. Number two, that fake, you know, to make an accent going, oh, I don't know it. Like, if she was a real psychic, she'd be like those Louisiana psychics going, you're gonna die. You got to park your ass up so you can put a place for your bike. Come on now. I'm saying it's like buying hair care products from Cher. She's wearing a wig, you idiot! Here's what you have to do. You have to take that little abdominal thing that helps you lose weight while it shocks your fat ass sitting watching TV. I'm getting six-pack abs by knocking my testicles around. No, what you do is you strap that to your head and say, I will not buy stupid shit for no reason. Here you go. Here you go. Here you go. Here you go. There's a girl! Because now, man, we are in troubled times, you know? When it initially happened, I thought the Statue of Liberty would change. Instead of, give me your tired, your poor, be here with a baseball bat going, You're a... Because when it happened, there was hardcore security. New York, you had hardcore security stopping people on the way in the tunnels. In Washington, they had F-18s flying air cover everywhere. In San Francisco, not so hardcore security. Golden Gate Bridge, at one end, there's a Hummer, and I'm talking about the car. People going, really? Now, what? One Hummer here, two National Guardsmen at the other end of the bridge. Another Hummer, two National Guardsmen. Problem is, the Hummer and the National Guardsmen are in jungle camouflage. For those who've never been to San Francisco, the bridge is bright orange. So I feel like going, be very, very quiet. We're looking for terrorists. No! And? Well, airport security, remember before all this happened? It was like, oh, beep, okay, get on the plane, come on, get on the plane. Hold on one moment, what's that? Oh, that's a gun. Okay, get on the plane. You could carry a four-inch plane on a plane that's about that long. What are you doing, West Side Story in the aisle? Going down the aisle! Trade the aisle! Now, you can't even carry a nail clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're gonna go, Alright! Give me the plane or the bitch loses her cuticle! I got a nail file! I can be irritating! And if you have a steak or any piece of meat, they don't give you a knife! So it's like Quest for Fire flight. Like, Sir, you're making a lot of noise. The Hindu man in the back is going, Hold the ball higher, hold it higher. Don't be afraid to beg, use your hands! Because now when you go through airport security, that's tight! You go through the metal detector and if you're heavily pierced like some of my friends, it's like Take out your keys, sir, tip of the iceberg. For those playing the home game, this is called a Prince Albert. And I'm sure that was his last wish. I'm sure Albert said, Victoria, I'm dying. I want you to name a museum, a performance hall, and a boat through the cock after me. That will be Victoria's secret. Go, my darling! Sell little thongs to people like that and little anal floss. Go, go, go, my dear! And I'm talking pierced though, heavily pierced, not like Britney Spears. I'm a virgin. Yeah, Michael Jackson's a father. Move on. Now, I'm talking like a hoop through your nipple. You know, lady, you'll get that. I'm guessing. Just the kind of the way your clothes were kind of going. You know, when you have a big hoop for your nipple, you're going, what are you going to do? Tie up a pony? No. Well, you have tubes through the nipples that go his and her towels, his and hers, whatever you want! A towel down here so you can wash up. Fun! But the most interesting thing is when you see a girl with a bolt through her tongue. And I went, why did you do that? To enhance the sexual simulation! Nothing dragged my boyfriend crazy like the feel of cold steel on his hot rods. But the problem is I end up knocking out all my teeth and living in a trailer park with a man named Bubba. That's up straight off my darling, you know you get to tattoo the barbed wire now when you're 18 and by the time you're 80 it's fucking picket fence. And Madonna, you get it now and by the time you're 80 she turns into Margaret Hamilton going, Oh I'm done! Music! Here's what you want to do, here's some fun stuff. When I was growing up I didn't have Playboy or Penthouse, sad for me. But I had National Geographic and the girls had got me crazy, oh yeah! You know the ones with the slinky neck going ba-ga-ba-ga-ba-ga-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Union guys going, don't touch it, Mr. Williams. This shit is going to be more precious than oil. This is the stuff. Ten years from now, it's already starting to happen. People will be going, yo, I got water. And if you want a coal, I got ice, motherfucker. Nah. Weed! You're going on the planes now, you always have this strange thing that comes out, this sweet little southern stewardess usually comes out and goes, Ladies and gentlemen, before we board flight five, we're just gonna do a few random bag checks. These are totally random. Just gonna read off a few names. Hasn't been seen. I came in late. Haven't been fucked. Judy Smith, 14 Arabs and a blonde, and every black man and every Hispanic man in the room was going, Thank you, God! Oh, no, yes, we're off the list, motherfucker, yeah! Yeah, indeed! The man's gonna be fucking with you now, Habib! You better learn to go to the lady. And sure, they try and mix it up, they take the knitting needles away from the 85-year-old lady. Why? Because I'm gonna knit and ask and give them to me! And the five-year-old kid, they're patting him down. He's going, what are you doing? You're not a priest. Let go of me. I see. So you had a problem too, I guess. Father Pat's little private patent chat's like, Good game, boy! Good game! Good game! Wash up to me! Really wash up! It's amazing they would catch them, and it wasn't just enough to catch them, but they had the Divine Witness Protection Program. Now find the priest! Here's the pedophile! Here's the priest! Find the pedophile! Find the priest! Find the pedophile! There we go! Here we go! Don't you ask, don't you tell, you might end up right in hell. Here we go, here we go. Here's your check direct from Rome, buy yourself a brand new home. Moving around, moving around. Amazing. So, so. And that's... ...applaud break number two. It was amazing when the Pope gathered all the cardinals in Rome and went, The only problem is he's dressed like Liberace's stunt double. Whoops. I have a solution though. For problem priests, little thing of shock collar, if they go near a kid it's like, you know Timmy, Tommy I think, or the automated confessional could be fun. If this is a venal sin, press one. This is a carnal sin, press two. If this is cardinal law, please stay on the line. Because you have to remember, it's not just a sin, it's a felony. So we have to keep track. Now, you have one other thing. We now know, right now, that's up there, they're watching. Hi, Mr. Ashcroft. But, we are now under the offices of Homeland Security. Tom Ridge will come out every so often and go, today's a blue day. No, orange. Red! And they had to be very careful picking that name. Homeland Security. They couldn't say Fatherland because a lot of old Germans are going, that's a good one. But Homeland Security, it sounds like Homefront Security, which was England during World War II. Old men with pitchforks and colostomy bags defending England. There they were. I captured Rudolph Hess personally. I threw my colostomy bag, covered him in shite, and said, get out of that fucker, you fucker. Get out! There, Ragnage! And I also find out now that Winston Churchill, one of the greatest orators of all time, may have been so fucked up on cognac and champagne that he didn't do some of his great speeches. They were done by a man from the BBC who also did Winnie the Pooh. We will fight them on the beaches, in the air, on the land. Eeyore and Tigger! And he was fighting against Hitler, a man who recently a book declared was a homosexual, and I always thought this was the clue. That and the leather and the dancing. But we are now finding ourselves once again drawn to England during these troubled times. Tony Blair, a militant liberal. Over here, George W. Bush, compassionate conservative. I don't know what that is. Sounds kind of like a Volvo with a gun rack. Over here, Tony Blair, a man who must address the House of Commons, which is like Congress for the two drink minimum. Crazy place. I believe my worthy opponents. Oh, fuck off! Shite! Bullocks, you bastards! Fuck you! Will someone remove Mrs. Thatcher from the chamber? There she goes. But it was Tony who said, This heinous incident has brought us to the edge of oblivion, but our civilization shall endure. And there's poor W going, Shit, I can't even spell that. Dang. Because you look at Bush and you realize it's Bush 2.0, okay? It's a beta release. He came with certain bugs in the software, all right? He'll go, this country will not be taken hostile. Oops, delete, delete, hostage. Okay. And then you look at him and you realize he does have a short attention span. He'd be going, our economy is growing. Oh, look at the kitty. What? He kind of reminds me of the guy in college with the towel going, gotcha. You just don't want him to drive. Oh, but you realize some men are born great, some achieve greatness, some get it as a graduation gift. That's okay. He's started. You must look at it from a historical perspective, though. He's George II, the boy king. A man we thought could only lose, but somehow won because of confused tea brews. Yes! It is that! And notice this, my friends. W doesn't speak while Cheney's drinking water. Check that shit out. That's why baby, when everything went down they put W out there but they protected Cheney. It's like me and my shadow government. Remember that Cheney who had angioplasty? Most people wait till it kinda heals. He was like, I'm perfectly fine. I'm okay. And there's Ashcroft in the back going, work the arms you asshole, work the arms! Folks, you have to remember, here's the drill, you have to remember John Ashcroft is a man who lost to a dead man in Missouri. And forget that, choices in Missouri were John Ashcroft, dead man. And people in Missouri went, I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, John, the dead man scares me less than you do. So, you gotta know it. And here's the drill for me. You know, it's strange, but I know this doesn't scare me. The W waved at Stevie Wonder. That's okay. That's okay. Stevie's only been blind since birth. There's W going, Stevie! Even Stevie Wonder's going, is that motherfucker waving at me? Goddamn! Does he think I'm looking for him? Goddamn! No. What scares me is that W almost died from a fucking pretzel. We have billions of dollars in national defense. They want billions more for national security to up the stakes. And he almost fucking goes down from snack food. Secret service are going, game's over, man. Gilligan's down. Gilligan's down. Step away from the chip, sir. We have to have people go hydrate, you bastard. Hydrate. His own dogs didn't give a shit. They were licking him for the soul. What is it, boy? You need a dog that cares. A dog like Lassie who would go What's wrong, Lassie? President swallowed something and you did a Heimlich? What else, girl? Mr. Chaney's meeting with the Enron people? Woo woo woo woo! An Enron employee, secretary of the Navy? Woo woo woo woo! What about the Harkin Loan? Woo woo! Sorry girl, we're gonna have to put you down. Oh Kenny boy, the feds, the feds are coming! I went in on a Monday and my stocks were gone. Enron, Enron, Enron, Enron! Oh! Welcome boys and girls to Disney's new ride, Investment Pirates of the Caribbean. Your money checks in, it doesn't check out. We have to know this, my friends, you know this. Sometimes you catch George unprepared, he says unusual things. Like the first day they said, Mr. Bush, what are we going to do? He said, well, we're going to go after these folks and conduct a crusade. And everybody in the room went... It's not on the Ukraine side. All throughout the Middle East, Allah Fakir! Shalima Khalil! Hide the women and children in the number zero! They're coming! You can't bomb the Afghanis back to the Stone Age because they'll go upgrade first! Now, today's bombing raid has enlarged the hole from yesterday's bombing raid. We have moved rubble from here to here. Throat in the upper right-hand corner, possible member of the Taliban or concubine, we are not sure. We did fire the $100 million cruise missile up its ass and were successful. Operation Extreme Redundancy is carrying on. Now, then we started to drop bombs. Food. Food! Bombs. Here's the fun part. Some of the bombs were little yellow bombs, and the food packages were little yellow packages. So now you're playing Survivor the real game. Okay, Bob, I was here yesterday. I'm going to go for this one today. And what was in those packages? Pop-tarts, peanut butter, and all you need is a honey-baked ham and you got a redneck Christmas. But... Who dropped the honey-baked ham on the Muslim platform? Idiot. Why are we dropping pop-tarts and peanut butter on Afghanistan? Number one, tastes a shitload better than dirt. Number two, and more importantly, very difficult to have a call to jihad with a mouthful of peanut butter. I'm... Secondly, or thirdly for those keeping track, Afghanistan is a hashish smoking culture, and anyone who's ever been a friend of the hookah will go, Say a little bit more! Hey! Got milk? Because what are we trying to do? We're trying to win hearts and minds. How do we do that? Do we build a big amusement park called Muslim Mountain with Gaddafi Duck? No. Do we have a wet burqa contest? No. Do we play Cat Stevens records all day? Fuck off! and being followed by a mule of shadow. Fuck, no. Drop Martha Stewart tapes? No. Do we have a children's show called Saudi Duty? No. What we must do is go the Greek way, the lizard straddle way. You gotta get a sister, you know what I'm saying? And you gotta get a sister from Brooklyn. You know what I mean? Uh-huh, girl. You know what I'm saying? One of those bitches you see on Jerry Springer going, drop her ass in Kabul and she'll go, girl! You don't have to dress like a motherfucking beekeeper. Forget that. You don't have to be Taspus, bitch. Forget all that. Take off that hefty bag, girl. And if he picks up a rock because you're talking to another man, you pick up a bigger rock and say, She out has hit the fan, motherfucker. He tries to cut off your clitoris, make you a Barbie doll. You grab a knife and say, Lorraine, a Barbie tie. Don't make me go Cobra, I will go Oprah on your ass. Don't make me. Because what are we dealing with? We are dealing with fundamentalists. The Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. Now, and if you're ever in Amish country and see a man with his arm buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that. What? Who are we looking for? We are looking for Osama bin Laden, one of 52 children. Even Freud would say he has issues. What does he look like without the beard? Howard Stern? Barbra Streisand? I don't know, I don't care. I know this! He is a 6'5 Arab on dialysis. Why is that so fucking hard to fucking... Oh, look for somebody attached to the luggage. Say this, I also know one thing, when you see the tapes of him, you see a psychopath very calmly talking about horrible things and went, wait a minute, we have some of our own? Theodore Kaczynski sitting around with nothing to do? Ted's played A Beautiful Mind, the home game. You give Ted a mailing list and some tools? You say, Ted, these people have been bad. He goes, are they bad? Oh, very bad. I just want a few things. Oh, I know you do. Here you go. Or maybe we get Charles Manson, great organizer, incredible with chicks. But no, you can't use him. Because Chucky all the time comes up for parole and he's gouged a swastika in his forehead. I'm better in many ways, yeah. Charles, what would you do if you got out? I'd kill everybody. Whoopsie. Because what are we dealing with? One of the fundamental things is in a jihad, that sounds like a country western term like jihad. But if in a jihad you kill an infidel, which I am said to say is all of us, and you yourself die, you go to heaven and you are greeted by 71 dark haired virgins. Now anyone who's ever been with one virgin is going, I don't know. For my talent portion, no, no, no. And recently, there was an article in the New York Times, the Koran scholar said the actual translation is not 71 dark-haired virgins, but 71 crystal clear raisins. Slight difference in interpretation, really? That's very strange. It's like finding out thou shalt not kill, as thou shalt not wear a kilt. And the scoff is to go and suck off. No! And imagine some guy blows himself up, goes to the gates of heaven saying, Where are my bitches? Here are your raisins! Or 71 Virgils going, You got a pretty mouth. Well, one day we get Osama Bin Laden, he goes to the gates of heaven, there's George Washington waiting going, how dare you defile that which we created, and starts firing on his ass. Seventy other members of the Continental Congress come down and start kicking the shit out of him. And then he's going, what is this with the virgins? Seventy-one Virginians, you asshole. The aliens, fire away! I must talk to Jesus tonight! Where is Jesus tonight? And St. Peter goes, hey Jesus, did you call a cab? Come here! Aha! Yes! I heard it! Finally the PCs! We crossed the politically correct line. It was okay to beat the shit out of him, but don't do the ethnic joke! How Buddhist of you! Yes! Remember when they destroyed the two Buddhas? What would Buddha do? Nothing! What does a Buddhist terrorist do? Goes in the middle of the street, takes the gas, self-barbecue. People killing each other in the name of God are going, The fuck are you doing? Making you deal with your shit. Because I don't understand the whole fundamentalist thing. You see, I'm an Episcopal, that's Catholic light. It's not like same religion, half the guilt. It's frightening! You know, Catholics have confession, Episcopals have Thanksgiving, your dad has a couple of gin and tonics. I never loved your mother, you know that, don't you? No, I didn't, Dad. And she's right there. Tell her again. Because you have to realize, Episcopal is basically Church of England, which was under the age, breaking away from the Catholic Church, going, I'm the fucking Pope now. He broke away and then people broke away from that church. There were Calvinists. They found him to be too loose. And then there were the people who broke away from the Calvinists. There were the Puritans, our ancestors. People so uptight, the English kicked them out. How fucking anal do you have to be for the English to go get the fuck out? No, take your pimp shoes and go! And they land here in America going, hello! We bring you guilt, syphilis, and alcohol. I hope you don't mind. Here, chief, try this. And once you've drunk it, just keep moving till your feathers float. There you go. And the Indians go, oh, but we have a gift for you. For us, it's a sacred herb. But for you, it'll be an addictive carcinogen. I hope you enjoy it. Tobacco is a lot of fun. And a good cash crop in the end. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Seven! Welcome to Clusters, a casino that tears. This is my wife, sits with a full house. It is now time for the white man to get drunk and we will get back the land you took from us. Thank you. Here's the thing. All those people, the Puritans, they stayed here and then their groups broke away from them. And then you get the people that really become severe and the people who knock on your door at 6.30 in the morning on Sunday going, Have you found Jesus? And you just want to come to the door nude and go, No, help me look for him. Come on. Yeah. You get people like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell said, this was brought upon us by our sinful ways. I want to put him on a plane, take him over to the Ayatollah and have worldwide fundamentalist wrestling. One time only, a life after death match for all of our souls. Let's get ready to humble because here's the drill. Fundamentalists take it to be the word, not translatable, not metaphorical, the word. In the beginning, Genesis, let there be light. Could that be a metaphor for the Big Bang? No, God just went click. So you're saying we're all descended from Adam and Eve, then we're all cousins. That's right. Here's the thing. There are miracles, though. There's miracles in the Bible. Like when Moses, and I'm not talking guns and Moses. No, I'm not talking that. Not Charlton Heston going, let the Jews go and the Pharaoh gets two in the head. No. Charlton Heston, a man who said guns don't kill people. Apes with guns kill people. No, Chutney, no! Second Amendment, it started off, it was Mosel loaders, people going like this, and this still continues. That's okay. But I'm talking about the time Moses said to Pharaoh, Let my people go, and Pharaoh went in your dreams. And Moses called to God going, God, I need some help! And frogs fell from the sky. Maybe they fell from the sky, or maybe there were Jews with catapults going, No! And thank God it was the Egyptians and not the French, because the French would go, Lunch! Okay? Why should we let you go, you great caterers? I can't let you go, you crazy people, huh? But frogs fell from the sky. At that point, I'd be going, get your shit now! Frogs, I know, wait a minute. That's what we should do. That's what we should drop on Afghanistan. Not bombs, not food. Fucking frogs. Sogs, lizards, hamsters, gerbils, shit they haven't seen. And if you want to get people out of caves, a shitload of New York rats. All abated. You know. Me or the crats will be going, hey, get on, straight. I eat pussy literally. Bring it on! But that's what they dropped in. And even then, Pharaoh was not clustered. Oh, please, David Copperfield, no. And then boils, and then firstborn dies. That's it! Hebrews, get out! And everybody, banish. I don't know, everybody. Hello, let's not wait for the bread to rise. Let's just take the crackers and the skin off your penis. We're leaving! Excuse me? Why the skin of a penis? We're traveling people, you don't want sand in there. Let's go! And this is so passe, the dick and thing, forget it. Let's move! We're going through the desert and then they get the Ten Commandments, would be adjusted by certain presidents, that happens later. And they get to the Red Sea there, the sea, the sea! And they go, what now, Mr. Magic? What do we do now? What are we gonna walk on the frogs'backs? Frogs'backs. Thank you for watching me dick thaw. Obviously, I did inhale. Still. What do we do now, Mr. Big Shot? And he calls to God again, and the sea tots. And even the most doubting Jew is going, you're good. Let's go, everybody. Come on, everybody. Let's move. Don't eat the shellfish. I'll tell you why later. Let's go. Where are we going? To Jerusalem to start years of struggle, and later to Miami to fuck up an election. Let's go. All aboard, gentlemen. And then the Pharaoh comes, but the sea closes, and he calls to his cat like God, but his cat like God can't do shit, because it's afraid of water. And then there's another miracle. The night that Mary said to Joe, Joe, I'm pregnant. And Joe went, holy mother of God, and she went, you're right. Oh, Jesus Christ! What a great name, Joe! That is so much better than school. Way to go! I love you, Joe. Wait, hold on a minute, Mary. Hold on a minute. So I'm the stepfather of God's kid? Yeah. So I can't discipline him? I can't go, you're done wrong, because the kid will look at me and say, you're not my real dad. What are you doing, Mary? How did it happen? Oh, it's immaculate, Joe. Oh, it better be, Mary. It better be immaculate. I'm sorry, I'm transforming Joe into Ralph Cramden. But it seemed to be kind of appropriate because up to that point, all the names in the Bible are very Jewish. You have Noah, Moses, Zebedee, and then you get Mary and Joe. We are just a hyphenate away from Mary Jean and Joe Bob. We could have had Jim Bob, the son of God. Praise to him, Jim Bob. He who finds the stuff and gets me a job. Jim Bob. I'm going to get him. And here's the other drill. Jesus was an only child because thank God who would want to be Jerry the brother of Christ? That's a tough gig Come on Jerry. We're going to the beach. Oh great mom Yeah, Jesus is gonna walk on the water feed everybody heal him and get a whole bunch of disciples I'll sit there with a rash and sand in my ass great day for me He ends up in a bar at the age of 30 going yeah, I'm Jerry Christ whoopty-doo Yeah, I healed somebody. Here, spot. Come on, boy, heal. Yeah, look at that. Yeah, my brother. Yeah, Jesus. He's a carpenter. I'm a plumber. You do the math. And people said to me, they said, Jesus wasn't Jewish. I said, of course he was Jewish. 30 years old, single, living at home with his parents. Come on. Working in his father's business. His mother thought he was God's gift. He's Jewish. Give it up. It's an old tradition. And if he was Jewish and many of his disciples were Jewish for the Last Supper, would they have not have gone out for Chinese? I think so. Welcome to Yahweh. Hold on one moment. No service, no sandal. Okay, you come in now. Hold on. You're at 12. All I got is two tables of six right now. They're not together. Wait a minute. Hold on. I got one big table by the window, but you all have to face this way. All right. Hold on! You are glowing, so I guess we won't need the lamp. That's very nice. And you just turned a such one chicken into a live chicken. You're very good. And it said that night that Jesus turned to his disciples and said, One of you shall betray me. And Peter said, Is it me, Jesus? And Jesus said, No, it is not you, Peter. And Simon said, Is it me, Jesus? And Jesus turned to Simon and said, No, it is not you, Simon. And Judas said, Is it me, Jesus? And Jesus turned to him and went, It is me, Jesus. Thus you see two traditions beginning, Jewish sarcasm and Gentile humor together, born at that main moment. And the next day the miracle occurred, crucifixion, resurrection, and he rose again from the dead and if he sees his shadow another 2,000 years of guilt. Yes. And here is for me the one big question. How do you get crucifixion, resurrection, and then chocolate bunnies, colored eggs? How do you do that one? Even kids are going, Rabbits don't lay eggs. What is this? And you don't want a kid biting the head off of chocolate Jesus. That's not good. You don't want a little cream-filled cross going to your... No, you don't want that. And you don't want to be putting raspberry jam in the grass for him. We're looking for Jesus, kids. Come on! Because what are we trying to do? You're trying to keep them involved. That's why we have the saints, all the saints that did all those amazing things to keep you. Oh, wouldn't those saints stay all there to keep your action up? And then we're starting to lose them, like Saint Christopher. Chris! Sorry, babe, dashboard sales are down. Metals aren't selling very well. Drop the kid off your back, pick up your stuff, you're out of here, baby. Thank you! We're gonna have Saint Prada, Our Lady of Accessories. Come on! But I want to say, like Mother Teresa, oh, she's the one who said you can do no great things, only small things with great love. And Pat Robertson said she's not a real Christian. Why, Pat? Because she doesn't have a tax shelter and a university? Give it up, baby. Mother Teresa never had a line of product. She never had her own perfume. Compassion by Mother Teresa. I smell because I care. Compassion. Gandhi never had Gandhi jeans. Whether you're simply not eating or telling the English to get the fuck out. Gandhi jeans. They come in size one and below. Because Gandhi was an amazing man. And they asked Gandhi, what do you think of Western civilization? He said, I think it would be a wonderful idea. But I know, as beatific as Gandhi was, there was somebody in a Bombay bar going, I know Gandhi. He was a prick. I saw him sucking on a pork hotdog hitting on Mother Teresa. He kept saying who's your diaper daddy? Who's your diaper daddy? I saw that with my eyes. I saw that and if you don't believe me, I bitch slap you like Shiva. I didn't Don't press this don't fucking do that Don't go ding-dong you asshole So India has the atomic bomb my friend. I could turn this whole place into chicken tikka. Hmm India has the bomb, Pakistan has the bomb, and we are prepared to fight over Kashmir, and your fucking president probably thought it was a sweater. What then I thought it was? I tell you this, India detonated seven underground nuclear tests, Pakistan detonated seven underground nuclear tests, and your spy satellites were like Ray Charles and the Louvre. They didn't have a fucking clue. This is what I'm telling you. India has the bomb, Pakistan has the bomb, China has the bomb, or maybe not, maybe they just have one billion people go boom. Russia has the bomb. We have many bombs. We don't know where they all are. Maybe you want a dirty bomb. And the French. The French have a bomb too. Maybe they have the Michelin bomb. Only destroys restaurants under four stars. And they still test their bombs. They're one of the few people who still detonate their bombs. The underground test, where do they do it? In the Sahara, in the total wasteland. No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise! Why? Because we're afraid. Oh look, a Greenpeace vote's coming to protest. Fuck off, I think you. I'm a badass motherfucker, am I not? Look! I'm giving a cigarette to a baby. Do it! Suck on the cigarette, my darling! Life is shit! Get to know this! All you Americans, you're all done for the minute! Fuck all of you, Americans! Ooh, tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk! Americans with your political quack Americans! Fuck all of you! You cultureless, crass Americans! We hate all of you! Oh, fuck all of... The Germans are here! Hello, Americans! I love you! German American! Hello! Welcome back my many fans! Now come you can build a Disneyland near Paris. We won't go but did it! And we'll have a Minnie Mouse with armpit hair, it'll be great. Smoking your gal walls going, I never loved Mickey you know that. What he has three fingers, what am I a bowling ball? Fuck all. Don't love him? Your trash rat like bastard I don't care! But there is one country that watches out for all of us. The Swiss. Yeah. The Geneva Convention. If there is ever a nuclear war, they will be the only people going, what was that noise? In their big hollowed out country with their chocolate and their watches. Yeah. The nice Germans. Yeah. Or as they like to say, the other white race. Nah! I have only one question. How can you trust an army? How butch is an army that has a wine-opener on its knife? Many of you men have never opened Chardonnay on the fire. First of all, you take out the wine can you pull out the cork, spill it, say, meat or fish, and throw? I don't know, but I've been told Chardonnay must be served cold. Oh, but my God, where did all this impressionistic art come from? And all this jewelry from 1939 to 1945? Fairies must have brought it during the night. Suddenly I have to do the Waldheimlich and cough up an account number. For God's sake. I know there's one thing. I know there is one country that is not developing some horrible weapon of destruction that does not have a secret weapons lab up in the mountains. Jamaica. I remind, Jamaica would never make an atomic bomb. They may make an atomic bomb. But I'd rather fight a war with the atomic bomb, because when the atomic bomb goes off, there's devastation and radiation. When the atomic bomb goes off, there's celebration. I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I and I I tell you the poor old days, eh, cause I met this one thing man, I know only one thing, I never met me an angry pot smoker, I never met a man who's got- Oh, you fuckin'prick! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Psst! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ah! Ah ha ha! Oh, no, fuck! What was I gonna do? Oh, hold me, you piece of shit. Get up. What does he see? Marijuana? I know this one. Wait a minute. Oh, oh yeah, okay. Smoke, oh, oh. Okay, if you smoke a lot of pot, you may never become a rocket scientist, or maybe. If you've seen some of the things that have happened recently with NASA, maybe you can. Okay, okay, okay, here's a fun one. Okay, the Mars lander, okay. I did the calculations in feet, but I programmed the lander in meters. So instead of landing, fucker buried. $185 million, whoopsie. Two years, splat. Oh, okay, fuck, here's a better one. Okay. The Hubble telescope. I forgot to put in a lens. Read the top line, Alpha Centauri, the rest is just a black hole. Okay. I once called Stephen Hawking's house. Hello, this is Stephen Hawking. Yes, I'd like to leave a message. No, this is Stephen Hawking. I know one thing, though. You know, pot is not like alcohol. Alcohol changes your mood sometimes. Like, go to a bar at happy hour and see some just happy motherfuckers there. See those guys going, hey, fuck you, my man. Hey, listen to me. Listen to me you piece of shit! Listen, you do not know shit about fuck, my man. You want a piece of yourself? Step outside, I'll kick my ass. Come on! I've already shit myself, I'm halfway there. Come on! I fucking... And some people know you've got a... You can deal with it genetically. You know if you're Irish, you've got a running start that you can do it better than we are. You know that because if you're Irish, you know, you'll kick my ass, but then you'll fucking sing about it afterwards. Oh, that night you said my wife was fat, I knocked you down and shit in your hat. Away the time we go, the way, coming away for air, moving away my lawyer. And then you keep drinking till you're in your 80s and you're on a dialysis machine, doing liver dance and Michael Flatline. And they say the Irish saved civilization, drank a couple of Guinness and forgot where they fucking put it, but that's alright. Here is the drill, and the Japanese, they drink differently than us. It is a different thing, you can be very polite during the day, and all of a sudden you are like, and after fire jack Daniels, hey, yellow river, karaoke for asshole with a microphone, seeing you around, come on. And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. Because you can't fucking understand them before. You land in Scotland and they're going, Do you know what I mean? Feel that, eh? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Right. Right. Right. I'm sure you dumb fucking bastard, you realize that here. And you realize how drunk they get, they could wear a skirt and not care. And now they can invent a sport like golf. Here's my idea for a fucking sport. I knock a ball in a gopher hole. Oh, you mean like pool? Fuck off, pool! Not with a straight stick, with a little fucked up stick! I whack a ball that goes in a gopher hole. Oh, you mean like croquet? Fuck croquet! I put the whole hundreds of yards away! Oh, fuck off, yeah! It's beach fun, man! Oh, yeah, it's a beach thing! Oh, like a bowling thing. Fuck no! Not straight, I put shit in the way! Like keys and bushels and high glass so you can lose your fucking ball and go whacking away with a fucking tire iron! WALKING AWAY AND EACH TIME YOU MISS YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A THROAT! Fuck, that's what we'll call it! A throat, cause every time you miss you feel like you're gonna fucking die! Oh, see? Oh, here's a better part. Oh, fuck, this is brilliant! Right near the end I'll put a flat piece with a little flag to give you fucking hope. But then I'll put a pool and a sand box to fuck with your ball again! I'll be there smashing your ass, jerking away in the sand! Only do this one time. Fuck no! 18th fuckin'time! No! Can you have a sport? The manly sort of golf where you can dress like a pimp and no one will care. Where you can wear clothes that even a blind gay man would go, oh dear Christ. Those are loud, this is not carnival, what the fuck are you on? Even the alligator's going, asshole. And you get in the... it's such an exciting athletic sport to whack the ball, get in the cart, whack the ball, get in the cart. And the commentary is electrifying. Just this side of curling for really getting me going. Could people be quieter? I'd like to hear the grass grow. I want the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time. The bottle's running. The bottle's going to touch it. Just to see all those old waspy motherfuckers go, oh dear Christ! My god, they're not gardening, they're playing now! Oh shit! What the hell are we gonna do? Because that was their last domain of dominance. It was their area. They were the king up until... Tiger. Yes! Son of a black man and a Thai woman. Not even a German geneticist could have thought that one up! Black athletic ability! Buddhist concentration! Yes! Today! Catching Totter! Ha ha! And then he goes to the British Open and he plays at St. Andrews where they fucking invented the sport. And after the fourth round he's 18 under par and there's only 18 fucking holes. And all the old men are going, oh my God, we're doomed! How did he learn to play? We wouldn't let him join, dear God! And they start having nightmares of golf carts going, No, no, no, I'm playing through with your Gentile or a Jew. Pebble Beach, motherfucker. Sunday. But all of your Gentile sports are no longer Gentile. Tennis used to be, oh, oh. Until the Williams sisters. 40 love? No, that's good love, baby. And boxing, even boxing's changed. Remember boxing? People go, I go to boxing to watch the sport of boxing. Yeah, it's like saying I go to stock car races to see people take left turns all day. No, you go to boxing to see someone get the fuck beat up. Even the guy who loses going, I have $18 million. I don't know where it fucking is. I'm going to buy me a big ass house, but I can't find it. Suck off. Until boxing was the same. And then Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson comes along and beats somebody. Let's get ready to nibble! And all these guys go, oh dear God, he bit somebody! I said, you're lucky he just bit somebody. Mike just got out of prison. You're lucky he didn't fuck him. Come on! You bite somebody in jail, it's like, get ready, bitch, you're mine now! Break it up when I'm finished. Because Mike said to a journalist, I'm going to fuck you till you love me. And at that point I'm going, someone didn't come here to box, babe. And by, you know, Mike said, I'm on Zoloft, so I don't kill you motherfuckers. I'm going up the dosage, Mike. But there's all these drugs, Zoloft, Prozac. I want to have one drug encompassing it all. Call it fuck it all. I don't feel anything. I don't want to do anything. Fuck it all. The closest thing to a coma you'll ever be. Fuck it all. I'm sitting here in my own dung. Fuck it all. But the scary thing about drugs like that is they always have some horrible side effect like may cause artificial insemination. What? What's the mean? Like there's a product called Olestra which is a very strange thing. Olestra? What is that? You know what's said on the little side of the chips? It said may cause anal leakage. Okay. That's not a side effect. If my ass is going... I think that's an effect really. I think if it's signing the whole bad day. If you're going, how you doing, Bob? Oh, just a little anal leakage, Ted. Bob, you want to get out of the pool right now? Well, God damn it, I want science to help me. God, look at me. Look at this, my God. I've had women in New York say, don't wear fur. I mean, look at me. This is the politically correct snow red paint. Fuck off, lady, it's me. I'm a fucking chia pet, come on! I've gone to the zoo and had monkeys go And anybody who thinks the zoo is a happy place Go and watch the monkeys wait for groups of school children And watch the fun, cause the monkeys just sit there like Wait for it Wait till the teacher comes with a video camera Now! Yeah! Fire! Yeah! But they're not happy! Even the poor animals like Ling Ling the panda, she must mate so you can build a wing on the zoo. So they go to China and they anesthetize a panda which is kind of redundant and... They bring him back to America and give him a name like Ping Pong or when his Chinese name was Wu Shiu Ka Bear with balls of steel. They put him in the cage with Ling Ling and say, go mate. And he looks at her like, I would never fuck her. That is one ugly panda bitch. If you were a panda, you would know that's the ugliest fucking panda bitch there is. I would not fuck her with a koala's dick. Fuck off! No, I would rather lick my own balls than fuck that panda bait. Because there is only one animal who can tell you if she is happy and wants to mate. That is Coco the silverback gorilla. And she saw me, the blue-eyed simian. She was intrigued. She said to her trainer, and I went, what does that mean? She wants you to tickle her. Okay, I tickle her. Okay, then she goes, what does that mean? She wants you to lift your shirt. I lift my shirt. She reaches out and grabs both my nipples. And when an 800-pound gorilla's got you by the tits, You listen, and then a fun thing happened because my balls went, somebody wants to play. Shall we go to phase two? No, do not go to phase two. I repeat, do not go to lift off. This may feel like a human, but notice the placement of the thumbs. This is not a human. Do not go to phase two. Warning, warning. But she must have sensed something because she grabs me by the hand and starts to take me in the back. And it's like Doctore meets Deliverance. And I'm expecting the crocodile hunter to walk out and go, oh, crikey. She wants to fuck his brain there. Watch out, boys and girls. Danger, danger, danger. This could be like that time I put my finger in a crocs cloaca. Bad, bad news! But part of me went... Could be fun. Make a great story for a bar. Guys are going, I had a wild night in Vegas. Yeah, well I banged a gorilla. Where's everybody going? And you don't want that late night phone call like, ring, hello? Tell me. And maybe it's because I'm 50, maybe it's because when you hit 50, the old machinery doesn't work so well, you'll be in a public restroom going, how you doing? Great game today, huh? Whoa, boy! Because what's happened is, your prostate is bigger than your ego now. Remember the first time it hit you when you were in your forties, you have to go to the doctor and they have to do the old... First time they say, oh my God! I'm just putting on the glove, Mr. Williams. I went back the second time, I moaned another doctor's name, don't do that. They get jealous, who's Dr. Smith? You're the only one! And I appreciate now when a woman has to go to the gynecologist, you don't want a doctor who has a hobby. You don't want a gynecologist who's also a magician. No. You don't want somebody going, oh, are we today? Let's, oh, a dove. Whoa, what's this? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Is this your card? I don't want a doctor who is a proctologist and ventriloquist. No. I don't want somebody going, how are you doing today? Take your hand out of my ass. I'm not a Muppet. Move it. Because when you go to the doctor in your 50s, it's no longer the... It's the orthoproctoscope. The colonoscopy. That's what W did. Yes, it's a video camera on the end of a Roto-Rooter. And it's going up you. Suddenly, you're your own Discovery Channel special. Slowly, we are going up Robin's colon. This must be what you see. Slowly up ahead a burger he had in 85. Oh my god! Is that a pardon? That's a fart Mr. Williams, don't be afraid. And then they go further up your ass, they blow up. Now you're a fucking party favor. Oh doc, give it to me, give me all you can take, I'm a man, give me 120 PSI. Whoa, you feel like a piñata, you think little Mexican kids are gonna come out and go, get the presents, get the presents. And I know the air is coming this way, the farts are going, Incoming! It's not a... No finger! It's somebody that said, Fall back behind the shit, wait for my command! Prepare to make the wet, sloppy noise! Because the moment they pull that tube out of your ass, You are an Evan Road! Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep that callin'sign right! Forty miles blowin'outta you! You put on your pants and you're flooing like a balloon spinnaker in America's pot. Comin'about, Jimmy, she's yarr! And then you realize, oh shit, fire in the hole! Tighten up boys, we're not gonna drop here! No! Thank you doctor, see you next week! Hold the elevator! Fuck you, you bastard! Seven flights of stairs! Everybody you pass, you're going, it's me! Dogs looking at you like, roll over man, you're dead! You just want to borrow a match, well give me that! Flaming asshole! Go on! Cause that's what you are! You flaming asshole, you're fiffing! Can they make a drug to help you through all that to keep all of your organs intact till your golden years? No. Can they make a drug to give you mental clarity till your golden time? No. Got a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra? Frank, we're gonna have wood again! Oh good, well yeah, wood you have, look at that! I don't need the water! I see that. And your grandmother's going, Oh shit, I thought the war was over! God, give me a tetanus shot if you're gonna stick me with that rusty fucking thing. Get away! People have died on Viagra. They have to have the open coffin. It's hard. People walk in there going, oh dear God, I don't remember Pete being like that. Kids, go get some horseshoes. He would have wanted it that way. And it's amazing too because you used to have to get that, you had to get for some strange Chinese aphrodisiac like hummingbird eyelash and rhino horn to give you great masculinity. But now, in my anger, you are back. You are frankencock. You are the inseminator. You are ready to go. You are going to be going for one hour, one hour and a half. And a lot of guys are going, yeah. A lot of women are going, uh-uh. Because after the first hour, your wife's going, oh, oh, oh, yay. Oh, big daddy. Oh, whoa. Hoo, ha, ha. Listen, I got shit to do. Oh, okay. Oh, oh, oh, yay. Oh, oh. Ring. Hello. I'll be late today. Viagra. Well, now I'll try and get there. Oh, go outside with that thing gone. And you can't go outside with a hard-on because the cat just waits for you to go. And your dog's going, whoa, you too? Can't go to work like, hey, Bob, how you been? How you doing? Yeah, I'm happy to be here today. Direct traffic? No, you can't be shit. You have to make it go away and you're slapping it. It's like one of those little punch me clowns. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. I'm not going anywhere. You have to finish it off. You gotta go, all right, I'll do it, I'll finish it. And in the old days, it was, ha ha ha ha ha ha. But now, after an hour and a half, you've got more semen than the fifth fleet. So when you go, it's like, oh, gee, the pill. Oh, my eyes. And your wife goes, now you know how it feels, asshole. Oh, shit! Answer the text, Hawkeye! Well, oh my god, I'm like the lawn boy! Get out! Save yourself! Not the drugs! Too late! I own that! I own that! No! Oh, well, right! Woo-ah! And you run out of semen and your chest goes gone. We've still got an erection, chief. Give me blood, give me urine, any fluid. Oh, please, please, God, oh. Please make this fucking shit go away. Ow, ow. You do every goofy fucking orgasmic thing. I hate you. Ow. Stop! Yeah! Don't touch it! Don't look at it! Or even think about it! And then you realize that God gave you a penis and a brain and only enough blood to run one at a time. You have lost thoughts from your childhood. And then you hear these words from your lady. My turn. You can't fucking be serious. Look at me, I'm Goo Boy. What are you doing? No. That's right, Corky. It's time to saddle up. We're heading south of the border. You gotta please Missy. And I have one question for the ladies. Do we look like this? Thank Are you almost there? No, no, no, I was serious. No, no, I love you. I love you. No, I don't care. Look, I'm serious. I just can't feel my face. No, who's your daddy? I love you, I love you, I'll see you, I'll see you later. I love you. Good night. Hello? What's up, brother? Thank you! You're the best! Thank you! Thanks, Mike. From New York, I love you! Love you, too! What are you doing here, buddy? You're nice! Thank you! You're the best! You did it! Oh, shit! My cake's ready! Oh! Oh! Thank you, thank you. No! Thank you! Thank you, you did it! I'm going to get together and see if you are right. I'm going to get together and see if you are right. So, let them all pass on their days. Dirty, dirty mouths. There is one question. I'm raising up the glass. There are days for the people to see it. Who has heard of mankind? Just as a faithless soul. This is the past. There is one who knows. This is the past. There is one who knows. Nag.