chapter 22 of Jane air this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit librivox.org recording by Elizabeth clet Jane air by Charlotte Bronte chapter 22 Mr Rochester had given me but one week's leave of absence yet a month elapsed before I quitted Gates head I wish to leave immediately after to the funeral but Georgiana entreated me to stay till she could get off to London with she was now at last invited by her uncle Mr Gibson who had come down to direct his sister's interment and settle the family Affairs Georgiana said she dreaded being left alone with Eliza from her she got neither sympathy in her dejection support in her fears nor Aid in her preparations so I bore with her feeble-minded wailings and selfish Lamentations as well as I could and did my best in sewing for her and packing her dresses it is true that while I worked she would idle and I thought to myself if you and I were destined to live always together cousin we would commence matters on a different footing I should not settle tamely down into being the forbearing party I should assign you your share of Labor and compel you to accomplish it or else it should be left undone I should insist also on your keeping some of those draing half insincere complaints hushed in your own breast it is only because our connection happens to be very transitory and comes a peculiarly mournful season that I consent thus to render it so patient and compliant on my part at last I saw Georgiana off but now it was Eliza's turn to request me to stay another week her plans required all her time and attention she said she was about to depart for some unknown born and all day long she stayed in her own room her door bolted within filling trunks emptying drawers burning papers and holding no communication with anyone she wished me to look after the house to see callers and answer notes of condolence one morning she told me I was at Liberty and she added I'm obliged to you for your valuable services in discreet conduct there is some difference between living with such a one as you and with Georgiana you perform your own part in life and burden no one tomorrow she continued I set out for the continent I shall take up my Abode in a religious House near leil a nunnery you would call it there I shall be quiet and unmolested I shall devote myself for a time to the examination of the Roman cathol the dogmas and to a careful study of the workings of their system if I find it to be as I have suspected is the one best calculated to ensure the doing of all things decently and in order I shall embrace the tenants of Rome and probably take the veil I neither Express surprise at this resolution nor attempt to dissuade her from it the vocation will fit you to a hair I thought much good may it do you when we parted she said goodbye cousin Jane air I wish you well you have some sense I then returned you are not without sense cousin Eliza but what you have I suppose in another year will be walled up alive in a French Convent however it is not my business and so it suits you I don't much care you are in the Right Said She and with these words we each went our separate way as I shall not have occasion to refer either to her or her sister again I may as well mention here that Georgiana made an advantageous match with a wealthy worn out man of fashion and that Eliz actually took the veil and is at this day Superior of the convent where she passed the period of her noviciate and which she endowed with her Fortune how people feel when they are returning home from an absence long or short I did not know I had never experienced the sensation I had known what it was to come back to Gates head when a child after a long walk to be scolded for looking cold or gloomy and later what it was to come back from church to lowwood to long for a plenteous meal and a good fire and to be unable to yet either neither of these returnings was very pleasant or desirable no magnet drew me to a given point increasing in its strength of Attraction the nearer I came the return to thornfield was yet to be tried my journey seemed tedious very tedious 50 mil one day a night spent at an inn 50 mil the next day during the first 12 hours I thought of Mrs Reed in her last moments I saw her disfigured and discolored face and heard her strangely altered voice voice I mused on the funeral day the coffin the hearse the Black Train of tenants and servants few was the number of relatives the gaping Vault the silent Church the solemn service then I thought of Eliza and Georgiana I beheld one The Cure of a ballroom the other the inmate of convent cell and I dwelt on and analyzed their separate peculiarities of person and character the evening arrival at the great town of scattered these thoughts night gave them quite another the turn laid down on my traveler's bed I left reminiscence for anticipation I was going back to thornfield but how long was I to stay there not long of that I was sure I had heard from Mrs Fairfax and the interim of my absence the party at the hall was dispersed Mr Rochester had left for London 3 weeks ago but he was then expected to return in a fortnight Mrs Fairfax surmised that he was gone to make arrangements for his wedding as he had talked of purchasing a new Carriage she said the idea of his marrying Miss Ingram still seemed strange to her but from what everybody said and from what she herself had seen she could no longer doubt that the event would shortly take place you would be strangely incredulous if you did doubt it was my mental comment I don't doubt it the question followed where was I to go I dreamt of Miss Ingram all the night in a vivid morning dream I saw her closing the gates of thornfield against me and pointing me out another road and Mr Rochester looked on with his arms folded smiling sardonically as it seemed at both her and me I had not notified to Mrs Fairfax the exact day of my return for I did not wish either car or Carriage to meet me at milet I proposed to walk the distance quietly by myself and very quietly after leaving my box in the ocess care did I slip away from the George in about 6:00 of a June evening and take the old road to thornfield a road which lay chiefly through fields and was now little frequented it was not a white or a splendid summer evening though fair and soft the hay makers were at work all along the road and the sky though far from cloudless was such as promised well for the future its blue where blue is visible was mild and settled and its Cloud stratter High and thin the West too was warm no watery gleam chilled it it seemed as if there was a fire lit an alter burning behind its screen of marbled vapor and out of apertures Shone a golden redness I felt glad as the road shortened before me so glad that I stopped once to ask myself what that Joy meant and to remind reason that it was not to my home I was going or to a permanent resting place or to a place where fond friends looked out for me and waited my arrival Mrs Fairfax will smile you a calm welcome to be sure said I and little Adele will clap her hands and jump to see you but you know very well you are thinking of another than they and that he is not thinking of you but what is so headstrong is youth what so blind as in experience these affirmed that it was pleasure enough to have the privilege of again looking on Mr Rochester whether he looked on me or not and they added hasten hasten be with him while you may but a few more days or weeks at most and you are parted from him forever and then I strangled a newborn Agony a deformed thing which I could not persuade myself to own and reare and ran on they are making hay too in thornfield Meadows or rather the laborers are just quitting their work and returning home with their rakes on the shoulders now at the hour I arrive I have but a field or two to Traverse and then I shall cross the road and reach the gates how full the hedges are of roses but I have no time to gather any I want to be at the house I passed a tall Brier shooting leafy and Flowery branches across the path I see the narrow Style with stone steps and I see Mr Rochester sitting there a book and a pencil in his hand he is writing well he is not a ghost it every nerve I have is unstrung for a moment I am beyond my own Mastery what does it mean I did not think I should tremble in this way when I saw him or lose my voice or the power of motion in his presence I will go back as soon as I can stir I need not make an absolute fool of myself I know another way to the house it does not signify if I knew 20 ways for he has seen me hello he cries and he puts up up his book and his pencil there you are come on if you please I suppose I do come on though in what fashion I know not being scarcely cognizant of my movements and solicitous only to appear calm and above all to control the working muscles of my face which I feel Rebel instantly against my will and struggle to express what I had resolved to conceal but I have a veil it is down I may make shift yet to behave with decent composure and is this Jan a are you coming from milkit and on foot yes just one of your tricks not to send for a carriage and come clattering over Street and road like a common mortal but to steal into the vinage of your home along with Twilight just as if you were a dream or a shade what the deuce have you done with yourself this last month I have been with my aunt sir who is dead a true Janan reply good Angels be my God she comes from the other world from the Abode of people who are dead and tells me so when she meets me alone here in the gloaming if I dared I'd touch you to see if you are substance or Shadow you elf but I'd as soon offer to take hold of a blue ignis Fus light in a marsh truant truant he added when he had paused an instant absent from me a whole month and forgetting me quite I'll be sworn I knew there would be pleasure in meeting my master again even though broken by the fear that he was so soon to cease to be my master and by the knowledge that I was nothing to him but there was ever in Mr Rochester so at least I thought such a wealth of the power of communicating happiness that to taste but of the crumbs he scattered to stray and stranger birds like me was to Feast genially his last words were balm they seemed to imply that it imported something to him whether I forgot him or not and he had spoken of thornfield as my home would that it were my home he did not leave the style and I hardly liked to ask to go by I inquired ired soon if he had not been to London yes I suppose you found that out by Second Sight Mrs Fairfax told me in a letter and did she inform you what I went to do oh yes sir everybody knew your errand you must see the carriage Jane and tell me if you don't think it will suit Mrs Rochester exactly and whether she won't look like Queen Boda leaning back against those purple cushions I wish Jane I were a trifle better adapted to match with her externally tell me now fairy as you are can't you give me a charm or a filter or something of that sort to make me a handsome man it would be past the power of magic sir and in thought I added a loving eye is all the charm needed to such you are handsome enough or rather your sternness has a power Beyond Beauty Mr Rochester had sometimes read my unspoken Thoughts with an Acumen to me incomprehensible in the present instance he took no notice of my abrupt vocal resp response but he smiled at me with a certain smile he had of his own and which he used but on rare occasions he seemed to think it too good for common purposes it was the real Sunshine of feeling he shed it over me now pass Janet said he making room for me to cross the style go up home and stare your weary little wandering feet at a friend's threshold all I had now to do was to obey him in silence no need for me to colloquies further I got over the style without a word and meant to leave him calmly an Impulse held me fast a Force turned me round I said or something in me said and in spite of me thank you Mr Rochester for your great kindness I am strangely glad to get back again to you and wherever you are is my home my only home I walked on so fast that even he could hardly have overtaken me had he tried little Adele was half wild with delight when she saw me Mrs Fairfax received me with her usual plain friendliness Leia smiled and even Sophie bid Me Bon with Glee This was very pleasant there is no happiness like that of being loved by your fellow creatures and feeling that your presence is in addition to their comfort I that evening shut my eyes resolutely against the future I stopped my ears against the voice that kept warning me of near separation and coming grief when tea was over and Mrs Fairfax had taken her knitting and I had assumed a low seat near her and Adele kneeling on the carpet had nestled close up to me and a sense of mutual affection seemed to surround us with a ring of golden peace I uttered a silent prayer that we might not be parted far or soon but when as we thus sat Mr Rochester entered unannounced and looking at her seemed to take pleasure in the spectacle of a group so amicable when he said he supposed the old lady was all right now that she had got her adopted daughter back again and added that he saw Adel was Preta cro sa m Le I half ventured to hope that he would even after his marriage keep us together somewhere under the shelter of his protection and not quite exiled from the sunshine of his presence a fortnight of dubious calm succeeded my return to thornfield Hall nothing was said of the Master's marriage and I saw no preparation going on for such an event almost every day I asked Mrs Fairfax if she had yet heard anything decided her answer was always in the negative once she said she had actually put the the question to Mr Rochester as to when he was going to bring his bride home but he had answered her only by a joke and one of his queer looks and she could not tell what to make of him one thing surprised me and that was there were no journeyings backward and forward no visits to Ingram Park to be sure it was 20 mi off on the borders of another County but what was that distance to an Ardent lover to so practice in aaable a Horseman as Mr Rochester it would be but a morning's ride I began to cherish hopes I had no right to conceive that the match was broken off that rumor had been mistaken that one or both parties had changed their minds I used to look at my Master's face to see if it was sad or fierce but I could not remember the time when it had been so uniformly clear of clouds or evil feelings if in the moments I and my pupil spent with him I lacked spirits and sank into inevitable dejection he became even gay never had he called me more frequently to his presence never been kinder to me when there and alas never had I loved him so well end of chapter 22