how to rebuild trust in four simple steps because you broke her trust and nothing you say to her matters your words are like this invisible papier-mâché passing right through her you know that if she gave you just one more chance you'd be able to prove to her that you would never betray her again but her trust for you is gone but does that mean it's hopeless to get it back can trust ever be rebuilt after it's destroyed and are there words that you can say to get her to believe you and actions you can take to help her let go of the past look I know you feel defeated that you destroy something that you think you can never rebuild however not only is there a way it's easier than you may think so today I'm going to show you seven proven steps that I use with my clients to rebuild trust and restore commitment between you two right now I want you to think of your relationship as this house that needs rebuilding and so there's all this scaffolding that has to go up in order to support the ability to rebuild the house now each individual habit is going to be another pillar holding the house together while you rebuild it so make sure you implement all seven as they build up on each other and the seventh one is by far of course the most powerful all right the first principle you must understand when it comes to rebuilding trust is that only the weak defend you sit there she's throwing accusations out that you know aren't true of you she attacks your character like almost as if you murder her parents okay maybe not that extreme but man she is just pressing every button she can to piss you off right I mean you should defend yourself right most men really struggle to strike the balance between standing up for themselves and just being a doormat because on one end you don't want to allow her to say whatever she wants but if she sniffs out any minut minimization or defense it triggers one simple thought in her mind he's going to do it again so what do you do you must acknowledge the betral without minimizing or deflecting blame let her see that you fully understand how it impacted her emotionally as an example you say I understand why this hurt you so deeply I broke your trust and I know how important that is to you I take full responsibility for my actions you don't have to agree with her labeling of words of your character or whatever she calls you in fact you can actually request in conversation that she shouldn't use those names and that if she uses the correct way of communic with you you both get what you want not minimizing or defending and taking full responsibility what that does for you is it makes you own up to everything and that makes her feel safe which is one of the later traits I'm going to help you actually develop even further but that sense of safety eases her and it allows her to be more accepting of her influence and the things you actually have to stay down the road that's why it's the first step all right the second principle is to locate the source now Joseph Campbell said the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek let me share you a client's story and how he found his Source now Jonathan Was a Serial dater his first love ended up cheating on him and broke his reality on what he thought love and relationships should actually be this led him to choose woman after woman that made him feel safe but all the while eventually he would find these women that he thought he could settle down with but because of that his fear of rejection started to come to the surface it came up as heavy avoidance the way he did this is that he would actually cheat first since he was so convinced that the woman he was with would cheat he had to do it first so that would really end the pain or it wouldn't hurt as much it would soften the blow so to speak now in his current marriage to Elizabeth he never cheated on her but he did watch porn he also lied to her about doing it and then one day she came home and walked in on him watching it the shame was palpable when things actually calmed down Liz said the part of it that really hurt her wasn't the actual act it was the deception over the years Jonathan had to find out where this came from because if you never identify the source of why you're doing what you're doing to push her away you're going to repeat it that's one thing I can guarantee you Jonathan needed to practice the third step in order to rebuild back the trust with Liz but before I jump into that I will also let you know that there are specific actions Jonathan took that I told him to take that really helped her let go of the past so I'll share that as the seventh one but let's jump into the third principle which is you're not supposed to be honest with her you're actually supposed to be this instead so there's transparency and then there's honesty let's look similar example and see how they're different let's say the example is that the husband flirts with someone at his work or some party with another woman so in the example when it comes to the flirtation the first thing is that the guy who's being honest he isn't necessarily lying to his wife and saying that like oh no woman flirted with me but she has no idea that a woman did so the transparent man is actually bringing forth details that actually are true that she needs to know and I'll explain at the end of this why being transparent is so important over being honesty but first I want to give you these examples so you understand the difference between the two in the second example let's say the wife actually knows that this woman flirted with him at the event and he's honest about it he says yeah she's friendly she touched my shoulder this this and that but it'll leave out details where the transparent man will say exactly what was said what happened and how he shut it down or didn't if he didn't but let's say in this scenario the guy is actually a good guy and he shut it down the honest man will avoid sharing how he actually felt about it in a fear of hurting her sparing ing her the details so to speak where the transparent man even though it's going to hurt her at first saying it was flattering to him he still States what he truly wants with the wife and allows her to be upset if it does upset her cuz he knows he can work through it and I can go on and on but the main point between transparency and honesty and reflecting with a lot of the clients I work with and even my own life is that a lot of men won't be transparent for a few reasons number one they think to themselves well if no hard boundaries were crossed what's the point of bringing it up I even remember talking to someone one time where he said you know what Josh if I went to a strip club one time on a work event you know nothing happened why should I tell my wife it's only going to hurt her she's only going to ask questions and at first that made sense to me that's why I adopted the idea of honesty over transparency But ultimately the reason why most men will be honest not transparent is that they're afraid of their wife's reactions that they want to keep the peace and they don't want to bring forth these details because she's going to get upset naturally and then they're going to have to deal with her emotions but if you look at the inverse of that if you don't tell her these details and then she finds out she's not going to trust you you see what I mean so even though it's hard for you to deal with these emotions it is vital for you to be able to tell her transparently all these things that happened and then learn the skills to work through those emotions with her because then she'll trust you more and respect you more and a woman needs trust and respect in order to feel safe with their partner okay that makes sense let's jump to the fourth principle this fourth principle is that a real man always establishes this the this in number four is boundaries now I have a whole video at the end of this one on boundaries more in depth it's a deep dive on how to establish them what they are how to express them without being the jerk and keeping respect all that that'll be at the end of this video what really holds men back from establishing clear boundaries is twofold in my mind the first they don't know what they are the second is that they don't know how to set them because at the end of the day that's all boundaries are and once you establish them they produce the highest level of not just confidence and respect from others but respect from yourself and this is who I am as a man and this is what I stand for and you have to have that as a man and a lot of men fail at that so when it comes to actually establishing these again you should watch the video at the end of this one it goes more into depth but you have to know your values what do you truly value because in every situation that you have where you're in a Crossroads of what to do every good coach therapist leader whatever it is they will attune you to your values what do you value in that situation and a value is a sign post literally a sign posting to where you should go or what decision you should make and those values are easily determined when you can see them laid out in front of you and then choose them and once you see them and choose them then all you have to do is enforce them now the main reason why a lot of men will choose to not enforce their boundaries is simply because they are afraid just like afraid of their wife's emotions from being transparent they are afraid of her getting upset they don't feel confident dealing with conflict or if she's on the edge and she's in stage three where she's like sometimes good with you sometimes not she's threatening sleeping in a different room you are afraid and because you are afraid you are not establishing your boundaries cuz you think it's going to push her away but it's paradoxical the more likely you are establishing yourself in what you stand for and actually pushing her away not pushing her away but saying hey this is not what I'm going to tolerate and I just don't accept that and you take congruent action through that she gains respect and is more likely to come back it is counterintuitive but a lot of this process and getting her back is completely counter to logic right it is emotional in its process cuz you're thinking to yourself if I push her further away why would she want to be with me but she needs respect and she can only respect a man that is okay holding on to your boundaries or holding on to yourself with the potential of losing her you must really internalize that fact and what setting these boundaries does more than anything else is something I alluded to earlier it meets her deepest need that she has for you that boosts attraction and then some which is her emotional safety without emotional safety love cannot flourish it is the foundation on which trust intimacy and true connection are built that is from Dr John Gman he's one of the top researchers in the field of relationships and marriage over the past 40 plus years look emotional safety is the Cornerstone to her happiness okay when it comes to relationships and love a lot of this is biological okay and a lot of it is also spiritual for sure it's on higher planes as well when it comes to relationships and romance but a lot of this is biological when it comes to attraction choosing who to be with there attraction is an emotional response that is triggered from certain behaviors that you do that trigger oh this person can help me survive think about this through the the lens of survival that a woman will choose to be with a man that helps her Offspring the most or helps her survive the most that is the ultimate protector and the provider okay now when a man is protecting and providing to his utmost Perfection of his then what happens is that she feels completely safe okay she's not worried she is relaxed she can go into her feminine beautiful happy loving State okay now there are so many videos that I have on this channel that all Le back to this core need of emotional safety so any video you watch even the topics and the points on this video all allude to emotional safy safety cuz that is the Core Essence of what she needs to be with a man and every time she criticizes or doesn't trust or believe that you were that guy you displayed behaviors in yourself that made her feel unsafe whether you were minimizing her you shut her down you weren't leading you were being needy those all trigger emotional instability okay and you can all look at those back from the idea of evolutionary psychology and let's say Okay a guy who's really needy can that man protect her from a tiger other tribesmen maybe you think you can but to her emotions to her subconscious mind you can't you are a weak man if you need her or lack of leadership if there's a crisis as the man as the bread winner as the Emperor of your kingdom you have to take decisive immediate action and so any Wibble Walling or doubt is making her feel completely unsafe down to the minuscule little decisions you make daily for her when you feel lazy or I don't really care too much what we choose to do she's saying okay he's not going to leave me I have to leave and that stresses her the hell out now let's go over five behaviors that actually make her feel unsafe the first one is fix it mode you know this one all too well whenever she has a you going into your logical mind and breaking down the details trying to analyze and say well if she saw this differently if I can get her to see the way I see and like move her positioning her perception then she won't feel the way she feels however when you do that she feels invalidated she's not able to see differently when she's in her emotional state you cannot fix your problem you have to help understand invalidate using the previous steps the second is defense reversal so again this is connected to the logic but whenever she attacks your character saying always or never you never do this you always do that you'll just defend yourself you'll ask her questions like why don't you trust me or you'll think about how maybe she you'll use her trauma as a way to be like well you're so untrusting because of your previous relationships or how you were abused growing up so you have a lack of trust towards a lot of people it's not just with me look at all the other people in your life that you don't trust you're defending yourself the next one is scorekeeping this one is uh Insidious because it's you saying but look at all the other things I've done that that cause you to trust like for the first 10 years of the marriage I did nothing wrong it wasn't until this when I started doing that like I've only done these bad things the pre past couple two years and like if you take up all the of everything get you're like blending like defensiveness and logic but you're keeping score right you're trying to look for counter examples which is a form of logic and it just makes her feel like yeah I don't give a damn okay I feel this way in the present moment is what she's saying there's minimization right which is but I've been good lately yeah yeah I did that a month ago but for the past month I've been really good I've been solid and then the last one this one's pretty Insidious as well cuz you're going to think it's not an issue which is the false equivalency this one is saying you know I trust you and like you've done things to hurt me but I've trusted you along the whole time this downplays her feelings and her process of healing okay all right let's move on to the sixth principle and that is why sorry is Never Enough there's this popular Instagram re going around where it's like like trust needs action sorry needs change and it's just pling to the idea that your words aren't enough yes you should have a powerful word and I'm not saying don't say sorry or don't you know speak properly to her and say the right things but it needs to be backed by action and a lot of guys really struggle with this because if they were honest with themselves and looked at themselves in the mirror they can say all these things and they can even mean it at the time they can truly feel sincerely sorry for what they did and how they hurt her but genuine change which is what she's looking for to trust you again it needs action right and so in the case of Jonathan you know what he did is he started seeing a therapist individually he was in our program as well working on his marriage but he's also working on his porn addiction with his therapist that's Action Now what a lot of guys do as a little special caveat here is that they will take that action and then say hey look what to tell their wife look what I'm doing look what I'm doing look how I'm changing don't do that because then it seems like you're only doing it to make her happy and she wants you to do it for yourself cuz then it'll last so don't do that if you're making change let her find out on her own don't forcefully show her it is low value now before I get into the seventh and final principle I want to give you an opportunity here you can set up a call down below with one of our marriage evaluators it is a free 1-hour call for men seeking to improve their marriage not getting simple advice on that call what we do is we hear your situation how it's Unique all the different variables after thousands of calls are evaluators know exactly how to blueprint a tailored approach that's been proven with other men to get you to where you want to be with your wife so if you want the opportunity to save your marriage to get expert help from me and my team click the link down below to make sure you are fully committed all right the final and seventh step is to have a reset conversation now this conversation can usually only be done around stage 2 or three if you don't know the stages click the video up here to watch the stages at the end of this one however this reset conversation the way it goes about is that you must be able to do every step before successfully Okay so until you do that I wouldn't have this conversation because she'll put a boundary on it and it's almost like you're you're jumping into war before you're prepared you just don't want to do that okay and often times it's best with a coach or a guide but if you're in the place where she actually is upset with you she's venting herself she's expressing her emotions honestly to you then she's in a place for potential healing and repair and in that conversation you just want to take full honesty and transparency for how your actions led to everything that happened which you should have already done by now based on the previous steps and then you should have a joint decision on what you want the relationship to look like you're going to express your boundaries so you're going to combine all the steps you're going to express your boundaries your remorse your responsibility all in one conversation and you're going to express how much you love her and you know that you guys can work through this because let me tell you something when it comes to the decision on whether you should move on with someone else if that has been in your mind recently if you should just move on or you should stick with her look I told the client earlier today he's going through this right now I said you know Andrew there is no doubt in my mind that there are thousands of women in your country that you would connect with such a high level that you would fall in love with and have a great amazing happy relationship with it is my personal belief having been doing this for a while that if you are able to work through dark moments with your current partner coming out on the other side of that is creating a feeling and meaning purpose of relationship that you never thought possible a depth of meaning that is so intimate and so loving you will literally cry in gratitude but that can only happen when you go through joint issues with that person and work through it and this is why I think it is so important for you to work on these issues to work through this pain because if you don't you're most likely repeat the same problems in the next relationship no matter who you're with okay thanks for watching the video here is the other video on boundaries I was talking about I'll see you in the next one cheers