good morning everybody and welcome to today's presentation happy veterans day to all of you out there who are veterans uh and thank you for your service today we are going to be talking about relationship skills this is part one of four because there are four dimensions to temperament so obviously we're going to tackle them one at a time and talk about how different temperaments impact us and how we can best interface and compromise with people that have different temperaments so today we're going to be talking about the dimension extroverts and introverts but first let's talk about temperament in general if you're not familiar temperament is a set of dimensions that exist on a spectrum which describe preferences regarding various things and i tend to conceptualize it this way the first one which we're going to talk about today extrovert versus introvert talks about our preferred environments where we derive our energy from and what helps us um feel most comfortable and at ease the second dimension is sensing and intuitive and this really refers to how we prefer to conceptualize information top down or bottom up the third dimension is what i think of of in terms of our motivation what motivates us thinkers are motivated by facts and reasoning and laws and rules feelers tend to be more motivated by compassion and harmony and relationships and the fourth dimension which is judging and perceiving is what i think of as time management judges tend to be very structured and time oriented and we really really love our day planners uh perceivers tend to be much more spontaneous and feel like there's always plenty of time so we'll talk about those different dimensions over the next four days and how you might use them to not only improve your relationships with other people but also understand yourself better in in order to create environments and situations that are most conducive to your preferences which will reduce stress most people are not purely one dimension or the other most people are not purely extroverts or purely introverts they're on a spectrum so there are some little areas that they overlap but a lot of people tend to prefer one end of the spectrum to the other when conditions are out of sync with your preferences you tend to feel stress and i'll give you examples as we go through these because uh my daughter and my husband like for extroverted introvert my daughter and my husband tend to be very much introverts and i tend to be very much an extrovert and i think my son tends to fall more on the extrovert side of the continuum so our household can be a little bit challenging at times or doing things as an entire family there has to be an element of compromise so let's talk about extrovert and introvert now remember i said this typically refers to environments and a lot of times people think of extrovert and introvert in terms of social relationships and that's true because your social relationships exist within an environment extroverts but we'll just talk about relationships real quick extroverts tend to draw their energy from other people we love being around other people having stimulating discussions we love being in the thick of things introverts they are not anti-social by any means and that is a misconception introverts tend to like to be around a few people or be alone where they can engage very deeply in a topic but being around a lot of people is exhausting for them so let's look at each one of these things independently or we'll look at each dimension and see what that might mean for the person and for a relationship so extroverts tend to be excuse me expansive and less passionate about things they want to know a little bit about everything they just suck up knowledge they love learning they love trying to figure out things they get excited by everything and but not just completely focused on one thing which is great you have to have people that like those like to survey life instead of doing the deep deep dive introverts tend to be intense and passionate they like to do the deep deep dive on things they want to um they tend to be very passionate about a few things that they know in and out backwards and forwards and and that's what they prefer and they get frustrated sometimes with extroverts who you know they like to learn a little bit about a lot of things but extroverts tend to get bored when you do a deep dive introverts get frustrated when you don't do a deep dive so it's important to be able to meld your interests a little bit and compromise to the extent that you know i get pretty intense and passionate about things that is an introvert characteristic that i have and my husband on the other hand he likes to know about things but he is more willing to know about a lot of different things and he tends to get a little bit bored um i think when i do a super deep dive like when i'm learning about jersey cows and um uh how to raise jersey jersey cows you know he he wants the high level summary he's not all that interested in all the nitty gritty details so it's important for me to recognize that and be sensitive to that but it's also important for me as an individual because that's a characteristic that is you know one of my dominant ones to know that i need to have relationships with people who are also intense and passionate and really like doing those deep dives that helps me feel understood and i draw energy from passionate discussions extroverts are very easy to get to know typically they they like to talk and i like to talk i told you i am primarily an extrovert i like to talk i'm pretty easy to get to know um whereas introverts they know what's going on inside them but they're not really sure what other people want to know so they don't know a lot of times they don't exactly know what you want them to share and so it can be a little bit more difficult getting to know them because it feels like you've got this feels like pulling teeth sometimes when you're in a relationship with an introvert if you want to know something you've got to ask questions like tell me about you if you prefe propose that question to an extrovert just buckle in because you're going to get a dissertation often if you ask that question of an introvert you may get one or two things but not a whole bunch because the introvert is just like you know i i'm me it is what it is so it's important to recognize that communication needs to be a little bit different when you're trying to get to know an introvert extroverts love meeting new people we love being in groups of people we love learning because that's expansive and passionate we love learning a little bit about all kinds of people around us and what they're interested in and all those sorts of things we get energy from that we get excited by what other people get excited about we draw energy from from the room from the environment introverts have to exert effort to meet new people they know what's going on inside them they're very conscious of what their thoughts are they tend to be tend to be more mindful they need time each day to kind of get grounded and get centered and that's important to them they like people don't get me wrong introverts like other people but they like other people on a small scale being in an environment when they're where they're bombarded by stimuli bombarded by other people and movement and sounds and all that stuff can be overwhelming to an introvert so it's important to be sensitive and recognize that in environments like law enforcement for example i have no idea how my husband did so well he was great when he was in law enforcement but he is very much an introvert but he could when he was on duty he could go around and walk into businesses and meet people and he had no problem interacting with others he was you know the bell of the ball so you know that was one of those things that i always found a little bit curious but in his off time you know it's effort for him to want to get out of his his safe zone um his friends his environment and put himself out there to meet new people he wants to do a deep dive on what's already there extroverts think and talk at the same time we tend to think things out while we're talking my son is a prime example of this when he wants to needs to figure something out he will talk to himself and he will just be up there kind of narrating what's going on as he's he's thinking out loud and he would do that when he was doing his school work too he would think out loud introverts tend to like to think things out before they talk well you know that's fine you know there's nothing wrong with talking things out to yourself or to somebody else or me wanting to sit down and think for a second before speaking but let's talk about how this might work in in life when you're in a relationship an extrovert and an introvert and you get into an argument the extrovert wants to talk it out we need to talk about this right now the introvert may need time to sit down and think about it and figure out what their thoughts are and get combobulated before they want to open their mouth and that can be very frustrating for the extrovert what i find when i work with couples that are like this is that it's important for the introvert to say i care about this issue i really do want to discuss it but i need to get my thoughts together first i need 30 minutes and then the extrovert needs to be willing to give the introvert that time now there's a lot of willingness and a lot of compromise here it's not something that happens super super easily but it does help a lot once the extrovert understands that the introvert is not abandoning them is not ignoring them they just need to get their thoughts together and the extrovert can either sit there and talk to themselves or write it down or call somebody else and talk about it or just wait until the introvert comes back and then they can have that discussion that they so want in classrooms extroverts are often the ones that are just raising their hands they want to talk they want to ask questions the introvert is the one that kind of sits there very quietly and takes diligent notes they're not ignoring they're not trying to not participate but they need time to reflect on what they're hearing and put it all together and have that aha moment which is you know why it's really important when if you're in a classroom or even if you know you're talking to your kids or a friend or anything else if you're having a discussion with an introvert knowing that sometimes they may need a minute to hear to process and then to respond not expect them to jump right back in into the discussion so you know patience and you know introverts actually do somewhat better sometimes at communication skills because guess what they actually do take time to hear everything that's been said process what's been said and then paraphrase and and respond so you know one's not better or worse than the other they're just different um in how they process things and how they react to things extroverts often enjoy background noise i personally find sitting in the absolute silence to be dreadful you know it's almost deafening silence to me i love i like having background noise of some sort whether it's a audio track or you know some television show in the background that i'm only half paying attention to but especially when i'm at home when i'm cleaning when i'm doing that sort of thing i've almost always got music or the television or something else on i enjoy that i makes me feel less lonely i don't know what you want to say but i like to have background noise introverts often really cherish peace and quiet they want to have time each day where they can go and just not have input remember i said introverts are very sensitive to external stimulation whether it's sounds or noises or people well sounds or noises um whether it's sounds or sights or people or or whatever that external stimulation is exhausting for a lot of people who are introverts to process so they in enjoy and cherish and need that peace and quiet time where the external stimulation just stops and they can think the noise out here stops so they can hear their own thoughts extroverts as i've said repeatedly so far tend to know what's going on around us and are less aware of what's going on inside us now you can see how this can be a problem for relapse for for addiction for anxiety for depression if we're more aware of all this stuff and we're not mindful of our personal inner condition introverts are more likely to know what's going on inside them they are aware of how they feel emotionally what their thoughts are they're in their own heads unfortunately you know on the extreme side of that that can also cause problems because they're so in tune with what's going on with within themselves but so out of touch potentially with what's going on outside of themselves or it takes so much more effort to focus on that that they may not notice external triggers that are causing them to feel upset or stressed or you know whatever else is is going on so it's really important in health and mindfulness and you know mental health and all that stuff to have strike a balance between what's going on around you as well as inside you so when i work with extroverts i encourage them to you know be aware of what's going on around you you know do you have positive energies around you are there any what are the triggers for positivity and happiness and what are your danger signs but also to take time and make sure that they turn their attention inside and focus on what's going on inside them to make sure that they're not missing something they're not on autopilot the same thing in reverse for the introvert you know it's great for them to be aware of what's going on inside them but it's also important for them to you know pick their head up and look around and say ask themselves how am i impacting other people and what's going on in my environment that might be impacting me right now extroverts don't mind interruptions now this is where another one of those places where i'm not a pure extrovert because i don't like interruptions i get when i get into that intense focus i don't want to be interrupted but people who are extroverts often don't mind being interrupted they do great in occupations like being in law enforcement or working in the emergency room or something where they have to switch gears on a moment's notice i don't switch gears very easily introverts dislike being interrupted they get into that zone of whatever they're passionate about and getting out of that zone can be challenging so let's think about how this applies to life you know obviously at work if you want to work in a situation that is more um amenable to your personal preferences if you don't like interruptions then try to choose an occupation where you're not going to have to switch on a dime but also you know at home being aware that if you have to work right now so many people are still working from home if you have to work from home and maybe you've got kids and dogs and the mailman and everything else running around but you have other people there you know letting them know i am going into my office to work for the next three hours do not disturb so they're aware that you know only if it's you know an emergency do do you disturb the person um that can be helpful if you're home alone you know figuring out how you can block out those interruptions do you need to turn your phone off and put on noise cancelling headphones and you know not send it sit in front of your dining room window where everybody can see you when they come to knock at the door or something i don't know um but making sure you're setting your environment up so you don't feel stressed out so you're less likely to be triggered to get irritated if you know that you're going to get irritated when you get interrupted then what can you do to prevent those interruptions and extroverts are considered good talkers partly because we figure things out while we talk we get ideas and sometimes when we start to get really excited there's almost no filter between what we think and what we say it's like oh and then this happens and this happens and oh well what about this and we can make you feel kind of like that squirrel crossing the road that you know goes back and forth and back and forth and can't decide which way it wants to go sometimes because we're thinking thinking aloud and there's nothing wrong with that but it is important to remember if you're in a relationship with an extrovert that you know extroverts do like to talk so if you're an introvert it's important to understand that that is a need we have um because we draw energy from stimulating intellectual discussions from and sometimes just from talking because we're getting those cognitive juices flowing introverts don't need to talk as much but they're often good listeners they actually do enjoy listening and taking that information in and thinking about it and mulling it over and then presenting you with an idea so it is important to uh recognize again that most people are not going to be pure extroverts or introverts it is a continuum but it's also important to recognize your individual characteristics and how they meld or synergize as covey would say with those important people in your life you know how is it that you can make these things work for you um you know how is it that you can create an environment that's conducive to both people when we get down to some of the other dimensions you know we'll talk because my husband and i are about as opposite as you can get on most things but we found that that actually brings us both more towards center because we compromise in in the way that we interact in order to reduce stress on both of us we have to figure out okay how can we make this work how can we take two very different people and create something that is harmonious you know we're not the same but we're in harmony with one another so that can be really um exciting once you kind of get the hang of it and recognize that this is true for every individual and as i said my kids are very different my son tends to be more on the extroverted side in some ways and my daughter is very very much an introvert i remember when she was younger uh you know 10 11 12 we would go out we'd go to the mall or we'd go shopping or we'd do something and you know nothing super wild and crazy but after a couple hours we'd come home and she'd just be like that's enough extroverting for today and she would go to her room and spend a couple of hours just kind of being quiet um working on her art doing those sorts of things and that's what she needs to do to re-energize because being in those environments was very exhausting not that she didn't like them but it's important to recognize that introverts do get exhausted easier in high energy environments i as i said earlier also and if you have questions please feel free to ask or or put them out there um it is important to be aware of your own temperament not only in relation to other people but in relation to your environment if you're in a job that is not super conducive to your um temperament you know what do you need to do for self-care um in order to make that work for you you know i said earlier my husband when he was on patrol he would have to interact with people all the time and and you know switch on a dime and be super reactive to whatever ever was going on and as a cop you know running around with a uniform on and everything he had to be hyper vigilant for um threats to his person and especially because he was often going into situations that were dangerous in the first place and that is so opposite his temperament so you know when he came home you know when he wasn't at work it was usually important for them for him to have time where he could just be where he could be quiet where he he didn't have to go out and go shopping and go do this and go do that and you know he balanced it really well and he actually really loved being on patrol especially when he was able to work midnight shift and do the quote fun stuff but you know so so it is possible for people who are introverts to you know be able to work in a extroverted environment so to speak but knowing how to re-energize when you're not in that situation so you can restore your energy is super important alrighty everybody i know it's a holiday i do thank you for being here on a holiday tomorrow we're going to be talking about sensing versus intuitive and that's really how people handle or process information whether it's detail-oriented or broad strokes whether it's bottom-up or top-down and that makes a big difference in terms of a lot of things i mean for example when you're thinking about buying a house you know some a lot of people think about buying a house or where to live you know the broad strokes person is going to think about certain things first and the details person is probably going to think about other things first but all of the things that are being thought about are important so you bring both ideas together and you figure out what's truly important so on that note y'all have a great day try to stay warm wherever you're at if it's getting cold but definitely spend some time today taking time out to focus on what is going right