dedication for my wife Deborah Powell for allowing me to bask in her light and become more epigraph I come into the piece of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief I come into the presence of Still Water and I feel above me the day blind Stars waiting with their light for a time I rest in the grace of the world and I'm free Wendell Berry the piece of wild things chapter one my name is Saul Indian horse I am the son of Mary Mondamin and John Indian horse my grandfather was called Solomon so my name is the diminutive of his my people are from the fish Clan of the northern Ojibwe the anishnabeg we call ourselves we made our home in the territories along the Winnipeg River where the river opens wide before Crossing into Manitoba after it leaves Lake of the Woods and the rugged spine of Northern Ontario they say that our cheekbones are cut from those Granite ridges that rise above our homeland they say that the Deep Brown of our eyes seeped out of the second Earth that surrounds the lakes and marshes the old ones say that our long straight hair comes from the waving grasses that thatch the edges of Bays our feet and hands are Broad and flat and strong like the paws of a bear our ancestors learned to travel easily through territories that the genregush the white men later feared and sought our help to navigate our talk rolls and tumbles like the rivers that served as our roads our Legends tell of how we emerge from the womb of our mother the Earth Aki is the name we have for her we sprang forth intact with Aki's heartbeat thrumming in our ears prepared to become her stewards and protectors when I was born our people still talk this way we had not yet stepped beyond the influence of our legends that was a border My Generation crossed and we Pine for a return that has never come to be these people here want me to tell my story they say I can't understand where I'm going if I don't understand where I've been the answers are within me according to them by telling our stories hardcore drunks like me can set ourselves free from the bottle and the life that took us there I don't give a about any of that but if it means getting out of this place quicker than telling my story is what I will do it was social workers at the hospital who sent me here the New Dawn Center they call it the treatment facility the counselors here say Creator and the grandmothers and the grandfathers want me to live they say a lot of things in fact they talk all the time and they expect us to do the same they sit there with their eyes all shiny and wet and hopeful thinking we don't see them waiting even with my eyes on my shoes I can feel them they call it sharing it's one of our ancient tribal principles as Ojibwe people they claim many hearts beating together makes us stronger that's why they put us in the sharing Circle there are at least 30 of us staying here everyone from kids in their late teens to a few in their 30s like me and one woman who's so old she can't talk much anymore we sit in circles all day I Tire of talk it wearys me it makes me wish for a drink but I Endure it and when my counselor Moses ushers me into his office for one-on-one time I Endure that too I've been here a month after six weeks in the hospital and that's the longest I've been without a drink for years so I guess there's some use to it my body feels stronger my head is clear I eat heartily but now they say the time has come for the hardest work if we want to live at peace with ourselves we need to tell our stories I can't tell mine in the circle I know that there's too much to sort out and sift through and I've noticed the younger ones getting all Twitchy in their seats a few times I've tried to speak maybe they don't believe me or something about what I'm saying pisses them off either way I can't talk there so Moses gave me permission to write things down so I will then I'll get on with life somewhere our people have rituals and ceremonies meant to bring us vision I have never participated in any of them but I have seen things I have been lifted up and out of this physical world into a place where time and space have a different rhythm I always remained within the borders of this world yet I had the eyes of one born to a different plane our medicine people would call me a seer but I was in the thrall of a power I never understood it left me years ago and the loss of that gift has been my greatest sorrow sometimes it feels as though I have spent my entire life on a track to ReDiscover it