chapter 32 of Jane air this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit librivox.org recording by Elizabeth clut Jane air by Charlotte Bronte chapter 32 I continued the labors of the Village School as actively and Faithfully as I could it was truly hard work at first some time elaps before with all my efforts I could comprehend my Scholars and their nature wholly untaught with faculties quite torpid they seemed to me hopelessly dull and at first sight all dull alike but I soon found I was mistaken there was a difference amongst them as amongst the educated and when I got to know them and they me this difference rapidly developed itself their amazement at me my language my rules and ways once subside Ed I found some of these heavy looking gaping rustics wake up into sharp witted girls enough many showed themselves obliging and amiable too and I discovered amongst them not a few examples of natural politeness and innate self-respect as well as of excellent capacity that won both my Goodwill and my admiration these soon took a pleasure in doing their work well in keeping their person's neat in learning their tasks regularly in acquiring quiet and orderly manners the rapidity of their progress in some instances was even surprising and an honest and happy Pride I took in it besides I began personally to like some of the best girls and they liked me I had amongst my Scholars several Farmers daughters young women grown almost these could already read write and sew and to them I taught the elements of grammar geography history and the finer kinds of needle work I found estimable characters among them characters desirous of information and disposed for improvement with whom I passed many a pleasant evening hour in their own homes their parents then the farmer and his wife loaded me with attentions there was an enjoyment in accepting their Simple Kindness and in repaying it by consideration a scrupulous regard to their feelings to which they were not perhaps at all times accustomed and which both Charmed and benefited them because while it elevated them in their own eyes it made them emulous to Merit the differential treat they received I felt I became a favorite in the neighborhood whenever I went out I heard on all sides cordial salutations and was welcomed with Friendly Smiles to live amidst General regard though it be but the regard of working people is like sitting in sunshine calm and sweet Serene inward feelings burd and Bloom under the Ray at this period of my life my heart far oftener swelled with thankfulness than sank with dejection and yet reader to tell you all in the midst of this calm this useful existence after a day past an honorable exertion amongst my Scholars an evening spent in drawing or reading contentedly alone I used to rush into strange dreams at night dreams many colored agitated full of the ideal the stirring the stormy dreams where amidst unusual scenes charged with adventure with agitating risk and romantic chance I still again and again met Mr Rochester always at some exciting crisis and then the sense of being in his arms hearing his voice meeting his eye touching his hand and cheek loving him being loved by him the hope of passing a lifetime at his side would be renewed with all its first force and fire then I awoke then I recalled where I was and how situated then I rose up on my curtainless bed trembling and quivering and then the still dark night witnessed the convulsion of Despair and heard the burst of Passion by 9:00 the next morning I was punctually opening the school tranquil settled prepared for the steady duties of the day rosand Oliver kept her word in coming to visit me her call at the school was generally made in the course of her morning ride she would Canter up the door in her Pony followed by a mounted Livery servant anything more Exquisite than her appearance in her purple habit with her Amazon's cap of black velvet placed gracefully above the long curls that kissed her cheek and floated to her shoulders can scarcely Be Imagined and it was thus she would enter The Rustic building and glide through the dazzled ranks of the village children she generally came at the hour when Mr Rivers was engaged in giving his daily catechizing lesson keenly I fear did the eye of the visitus pierce the young pastor's heart a sort of instinct seemed to warn him of her entrance even when he did not see it and when he was looking quite away from the door if she appeared at it his cheek would glow and his marble seeming features though they refused to relax changed indescribably and in their very quiessence became expressive of a repressed fervor stronger than working muscle or darting glance could indicate of course she knew her power indeed he did not because he could not conceal it from her in spite of his Christian stoicism when she went up and addressed him and smiled gay encouragingly even fondly in his face his hand would tremble and His Eye burn he seemed to say with his sad and Resolute look if he did not say it with his lips I love you and I know you prefer me it is not despair of success that keeps me dumb if I offered my heart I believe you would accept it but that heart is already laid on a sacred altar the fire is arranged round it it will soon be no more than a sacrifice consumed and then she would pout like a disappointed child a pensive Cloud would soften her radiant vivacity she would withdraw her hand hastily from his and turn in transient petulance from his aspect at once so heroic and so martyr-like singen no doubt would have given the world to follow recall retain her when she thus left him but he would not give one chance of Heaven Nor relinquished for the Elysium of her love one hope of the true Eternal Paradise besides he could not bind all that he had in his nature the Rover the aspirant the poet the priest in the limits of a single passion he could not he would not renounce his wild field of mission Warfare for the parlors in the Peace of veil Hall I learned so much from himself in an inroad I once despite his reserve had the daring to make on his confidence Miss Oliver already honored me with frequent visits to my Cottage I had learned a whole character which was without mystery or disguise she was CSH but not heartless exacting but not worth lessly selfish she had been indulged from her birth but was not absolutely spoiled she was Hasty but good humored vain she could not help it when every glance in the class showed her such a flush of loveliness but not affected liberal handed innocent of the pride of wealth ingenuous sufficiently intelligent gay Lively and unthinking she was very Charming in short even to a cool Observer of her own sex like me but she was not profoundly interesting or thoroughly impressive a very different sort of Mind was hers from that for instance of the sisters of singen still I liked her almost as much as I liked my pupil Adele except that for a child whom we have watched over and taught a closer affection is engendered than we can give an equally attractive adult acquaintance she had taken an amiable Caprice to me she said I was like Mr Rivers only certainly she allowed not one tenth so handsome though I was a nice neat little soul enough but he was an angel I was however good clever composed and firm like him I was a lucus Nae she affirmed as a Village School mistress she was sure my previous history if known would make a delightful romance one evening while with her usual childlike activity and thoughtless yet not offensive inquisitiveness she was rumaging the cupboard and table drawer of my little kitchen she discovered first two French books a volume of Schiller a German grammar and dictionary and then my drawing materials and some sketches including a pencil head of a pretty little cherub like girl one of my Scholars and Sury views from nature taken in the veil of Morton and on the surrounding Moors she was first transfixed with surprise and then electrified with delight had I done these pictures did I know French and German what a love what a miracle I was I do better than her master in the first school in s would I sketch a portrait of her to show to Papa with pleasure I replied and I felt a thrill of artist delight at the idea of copying from so perfect and radiant a model she had then on a dark blue silk dress her arms and her neck were bare her only ornament was her Chestnut dresses which waved over her shoulders with all the wild Grace of natural curls I took a sheet of fine cardboard and Drew a careful outline I promised myself the pleasure of coloring it and as it was getting late then I told her she must come and sit another day she made such aort thought of me to her father that Mr Oliver himself accompanied her next evening a tall massive featured middle-aged and gray-headed man at whose side his lovely daughter looked like a bright flower near a Hy turret he appeared a taciturn and perhaps a proud personage but he was very kind to me the sketch of rosman's portrait pleased him highly he said I must make a finished picture of it he insisted too on my coming the next day to spend the evening at Veil Hall I went I found it a large handsome residence showing abundant evidences of wealth in the proprietor rosand was full of Glee and pleasure all the time I stayed her father was affable and when he entered into conversation with me after tea he expressed in strong terms his approbation of what I had done in Morton school and said he only feared from what he saw and heard I was too good for the place and would soon quit it for one more suitable indeed cried rosand she's clever enough to be a governor in a high family Papa I thought I would far rather rather be where I am than in any High family in the land Mr Oliver spoke of Mr rivers of the rivers family with great respect he said it was a very old name in that neighborhood that the ancestors of the house were wealthy that all Morton had once belonged to them that even now he considered the representative of that house might if he liked make an alliance with the best he accounted It a Pity that so fine and talented a young man should have formed the design of going out as a missionary it was quite throwing a valuable life away it appeared then that the father would throw no obstacle in the way of rosman's Union with singen Mr Oliver evidently regarded the young clergyman's good birth old name and sacred profession as sufficient compensation for the want of Fortune it was the 5th of November and a holiday my little servant after helping me to clean my house was gone well satisfied with the fee of a penny for her Aid all about me was spotless and bright scoured floor polished grate and well- rubbed chairs I had also made myself neat and had now the afternoon before me to spend as I would the translation of a few pages of German occupied an hour then I got my pallet and pencils and fell to the more soothing because easier occupation of completing rosan Oliver's miniature the head was finished already there was but the background to tint and the drapery to shade off a touch of Carmine too to add to the ripe lips a soft curl here and there to the Tresses a deeper tinge to the shadow of the Lash under the aard eyelid I was absorbed in the execution of these nice details when after one rapid tap my door unclosed admitting singen Rivers I come to see how you are spending the holiday he said not I hope in thought no that is well while you draw you will not feel lonely you see I mistrust you still though youve borne up wonderfully so far I have brought you a book for evening Solace and he laid on the table a new publication a poem one of the those genuine Productions so often vouchsafe to the fortunate public of those days the Golden Age of modern literature alas the readers of our era are less favored but courage I will not pause either to accuse or repine I know poetry is not dead nor genius lost nor has Mammon gained power over either to bind or slay they will both assert their existence their presence their Liberty and strength again one day powerful angels safe in heaven they smile smile when sorted Souls Triumph and feeble ones weep over their destruction poetry destroyed genius banished no mediocrity no do not let Envy prompt you to the thought no they not only live but Reign and redeem and without their Divine influence spread everywhere you would be in Hell the hell of your own meanness while I was eagerly glancing at the bright pages of marmian for marmian it was singen stooped to examine my drawing his tall figure sprang erect again with a start he said nothing I looked up at him he shunned my eye I knew his thoughts well and could read his heart plainly at the moment I felt calmer and cooler than he I had then temporarily the advantage of him and I conceived an inclination to do him some good if I could with all his firmness and self-control thought I he tasks himself too far locks every feeling and Pang within expresses confesses imparts nothing I am sure it would benefit him to talk a little about this sweet rosmond whom he thinks he ought not to marry I will make him talk I said first take a chair Mr Rivers but he answered as he always did that he could not stay very well I responded mentally stand if you like but you shall not go just yet I am determined Solitude is at least as bad for you as it is for me I'll try if I cannot deliver the secret spring of your confidence and find an aperture in that marble breast through which I can shed one drop of the balm of sympathy is this portrait like I asked bluntly like like whom I did not observe it closely you did Mr Rivers he almost started at my sudden and strange abruptness he looked at me astonished oh that is nothing yet I muttered within I don't mean to be baffled by a little stiffness on your part I'm prepared to go to considerable lengths I Contin continued you observed it closely and distinctly but I have no objection to your looking at it again and I Rose and placed it in his hand a well executed picture he said very soft clear coloring very graceful and correct drawing yes yes I know all that but what if the resemblance who is it like mastering some hesitation he answered Miss Oliver I presume of course and now sir to reward you for the accurate guess I will promise to paint you a careful and faithful duplicate of this very picture provided you admit that the gift would be acceptable to you I don't wish to throw away my time and trouble on an offering you would deem worthless he continued to gaze at the picture the longer he looked the firmer he held it the more he seemed to covet it it is like he murmured the eye is well managed the color light expression are perfect it Smiles would it comfort or would it wound you to have a similar painting tell me that when you are at Madagascar at the cape or in India would it be a consolation to have that momento in your possession or would the sight of it bring Recollections calculated to ennovate and distress he now furtively raised his eyes he glanced at me irresolute Disturbed he again surveyed the picture that I should like to have it is certain whether it would be judicious or wise is another question since I had ascertained that Rosman really preferred him and that her father was not likely to oppose the match I less exalted in My Views than singen had been strongly disposed in my own heart to Advocate their Union it seemed to me that should he become the possessor of Mr Oliver's large Fortune he might do as much good with it as if he went and laid his genius out to wither and his strength to waste under a Tropical Sun with this persuasion I now answered as far as I can see it would be wiser and more judicious if you were to take to yourself the original At Once by this time he had sat down he had laid the picture on the table before him and with his brow supported on both hands hung fondly over it I discerned he was now neither angry nor shocked at my audacity I saw even that to be thus frankly addressed on a subject he had deemed unapproachable to hear it thus freely handled was beginning to be felt by him as a new pleasure and unhoped for Relief reserved people often really need the Frank discussion of their sentiment and griefs more than the expansive the sternest seeming stoic is Human After All and to burst with boldness and Goodwill into the sileny of their souls is often to confer on them the first of obligations she likes you I am sure said I as I stood behind his chair and her father respects you moreover she is a sweet girl rather thoughtless but she would have sufficient thought for both yourself and her you ought to marry her does she like me he he asked certainly better than she likes anyone else she talks of you continually there is no subject she enjoys so much or touches upon so often it is very pleasant to hear this he said very go on for another quarter of an hour and he actually took out his watch and laid it upon the table to measure the time but where is the use of going on I asked when you are probably preparing some iron blow of contradiction or forging a fresh chain to Fetter your heart don't imagine such hard things fancy me yielding and melting as I am doing human love Rising like a freshly opened fountain in my mind and overflowing with sweet inundation all the field I have so carefully and with such labra prepared so assiduously sewn with the seeds of good intentions of self-denying plans and now it is deluged with a nectarous flood the young germ swamp delicious poison cankering them now I see myself stretched on an ottoman in the drawing room at Vale Hall that my bride Ros and Oliver's feet she's talking to me with a sweet voice gazing down on me with those eyes your skillful hand has copied so well smiling at me with those Coral lips she is mine I am hers this present life and passing World suffice to me hush say nothing my heart is full of delight my senses are entranced let the time I marked pass in peace I humid him him the watch ticked on he breathed fast and low I stood silent amidst this hush the quartet sped he replaced the watch laid the picture Down Rose and stood on the Heth now said he that little space was given to delirium and delusion I rested my temples on the breast of Temptation and put my neck voluntarily under her Yol of flowers I tasted her cup the pillow was burning there is an asp in the Garland the wine has a bitter taste her promises are Hollow her offers false I see and know all this I gazed at him in Wonder it is strange pursued he that while I love rosim and Oliver so wildly with all the intensity indeed of a first Passion the object of which is exquisitely beautiful graceful fascinating I experience at the same time a calm unwarped Consciousness that she would not make me a good wife that she is not the partner suited to me that I should discover this within a year after marriage and that the 12 months Rapture would succeed a lifetime of regret this I know strange indeed I could not help ejaculating while something in me he went on is acutely sensible to her charms something else is as deeply impressed with her defects they are such that she could sympathize in nothing I aspired to cooperate in nothing I undertook rosand a sufferer a laborer a female Apostle rosand a missionary's wife no but you need not be a missionary you might relinquish that scheme relinquish what my vocation my great work my Foundation laid on Earth for a mansion in heaven my hopes of being numbered in the band who have merged all Ambitions in the Glorious one of bettering their race of carrying knowledge into the Realms of ignorance of substituting peace for war freedom for bondage religion for Superstition the hope of Heaven for the fear of Hell must I relinquish that it is dearer than the blood in my veins it is what I have to look forward to and to live for after a considerable pause I said and Miss Oliver are her disappointment and sorrow of no interest to you Miss Oliver is ever surrounded by suitors and flatterers in less than a month my image will be effaced from her heart she will forget me and will marry probably someone who will make her far happier than I should do you speak cooly enough but you suffer in the conflict you are wasting a way no if I get a little thin it is with anxiety about my prospects yet unsettled my departure continually procrastinated only this morning I received intelligence that the successor whose arrival I been so long expecting cannot be ready to replace me for 3 months to come yet and perhaps the three months May extend to six you tremble and become flushed whenever Miss Oliver enters the school room again the surprised expression crossed his face he had not imagined that a woman would dare to speak so to a man for me I felt at home in this sort of discourse I could never rest at communication with strong discreet and refined Minds whether male or female till I had passed the outworks of conventional reserve and crossed the threshold of confidence and won a place by their hearts very Hearthstone you are original said he and not timid there is something Brave in your spirit as well as penetrating in your eye but allow me to assure you that you partially misinterpret my emotions you think them more profound and potent than they are you give me a larger allowance of sympathy than I have a just claim to when I color and when I shade before Mr Oliver I do not pity myself I Scorn the weakness I know it is ignoble a mere fever of the flesh not I Clare the convulsion of the soul that is just as fixed as a rock firm set in the depths of a Restless sea know me to be what I am a cold hard man I smiled incredulously you have taken my confidence by storm he continued and now it as much At Your Service I am simply in my original state stripped of that blood bleached robe with which Christianity covers human deformity a cold hard ambitious man natural affection only of all the sentiments has permanent power over me reason and not feeling is my guide my ambition is unlimited my desire to rise higher to do more than others ins satiable I honor endurance perseverance industry talent because these are the means by which men achieve great ends and mount to lofty Eminence I watch your career with interest because I consider you a specimen of a diligent orderly energetic woman not because I deeply compassion at what you've gone through or what you still suffer you would describe yourself as a mere Pagan philosopher I said no there is this difference between me and deistic philosophers I believe and I believe the gospel you missed your epithet I am not a pagan but a Christian philosopher a follower of the sect of Jesus as his disciple I adopt his pure his merciful his benignant doctrines I advocate them I am sworn to spread them one in youth to Religion she has cultivated my original qualities thus from the minute germ natural affection she has developed the overshadowing tree philanthropy from the wild stringy root of human uprightness she has reared a due sense of the Divine Justice of the ambition to win power and Renown of my wretched self she has formed the ambition to spread my Master's Kingdom to achieve victories for the standard of the Cross so much has religion done for me turning the original materials to the best account pruning and training nature but she could not eradicate nature nor will it be eradicated till this Mortal shall put on immortality having said this he took his hat which lay on the table beside my pallet once more he looked at the portrait she is lovely he murmured she is welln named the rose of the world indeed and may I not paint one like it for you kuono no he drew over the picture the sheet of thin paper on which I was accustomed to rest my hand in painting to prevent the cardboard from being sullied what he suddenly saw on this blank paper it was impossible for me to tell but something had caught his eye he took it up with a snatch he looked at the edge then shot a glance at me inexpressibly peculiar and quite incomprehensible her glance that seemed to take and make note of every point in my shape face and dress for it traversed all quick Keen as Lightning his lips parted as if to speak but he checked the coming sentence whatever it was what is the matter I asked nothing in the world was the reply and replacing the paper I saw him dextrously tear a narrow slip from the margin it disappeared in his glove and with one Hasty nod and good afternoon he vanished well I exclaimed using the expression of the district that caps the globe however I in my turn scrutinized the paper but saw nothing on it save a few dingy stains of paint where I had tried the tint in my pencil I pondered the mystery a minute or two but finding it insolvable and being certain it could not be of much moment I dismissed and soon forgot it end of chapter 32