I'm Dr Orion terban and this is psych Better Living Through psychology and the topic of today's short talk is you always break your own heart regardless of how it feels this is the reality of the situation technically speaking no one can break your heart and I'm saying this irrespective of what the other party did even if they lied to you even if they cheated on you even if they betrayed you they didn't break your heart because they couldn't only you can break your own heart and this is what we see in all cases of heartbreak if we look carefully enough let's discuss why this might be true it's important to appreciate that one way or another all relationships end and if you think about it not much is actually lost when a relationship ends that's because nothing that happened in a relationship nothing that you felt nothing that you built nothing that you experienced can actually be taken from you when a relationship ends that's because all of that is in the past and everything in the past is completely and indefinitely secure because everything in the past is completely and indefinitely inaccessible For Better or Worse no one can change the past and this fact does not depend on current or future conditions like everything that has happened in a relationship ship is just as safe and secure in the past when a relationship continues through time as when it is terminated in the present moment in point of fact when a relationship ends only one thing is really lost and it's the loss of this one thing that is actually responsible for your heartbreak and that one thing that is lost is the reasonable hope of a desired future and this desired future isn't something that you either have or ever had precisely because it's a future hope and this of course means that from a certain perspective you didn't even lose that because you never had it to begin with after all you have to have something before you can lose it so this one thing that you lose is actually an elusory loss it's not an actual loss in reality that said it definitely doesn't feel like an elcer loss does it and that's because this desired future has been invested with a good deal of emotionality and usually very positive emotionality which is absolutely present and real the most painful thing in the world is the death of a dream the death of a dream really really really hurts especially when that dream has been invested with the most sincere the most precious and the most noble parts of ourselves indeed that that dream might be quite beautiful a lively house with happy children playing in the yard Wedding Bells and champagne toasts holding hands in the Rain the glory of having made it work Despite All Odds people can dream beautiful dreams and the more beautiful the dream the harder it is to kill it is difficult to relinquish our highest most cherished visions of the future irrespective of the objective necessity for doing so and this is why most serious relationships require some measure of grieving once they end one way or another that said this grieving period often lasts much longer than it needs to this is because people often invest these dreams of the future with the best parts of themselves so when it comes time to kill a hope that has become unrealizable it can feel like killing the best parts of themselves it's not really but it can feel that way and that's an unbearable position for many people to be in like it takes an unusual amount of ruthlessness and self-discipline to be able to do that so many people mistake the dream for the best parts of themselves tremble at the thought of cutting those parts out of themselves and abide and heartbreak much longer than may be necessary and this is why you always break your own heart you're the one who invested that dream with the best parts of yourself no one did that for you or could have done that for you even if they wanted to and of course if you didn't invest that dream with the best parts of yourself you wouldn't now be squirming in pain but this is actually a good thing why well since you did it you can undo it on the other hand if it were done to you or for you then it would be much harder to undo without the participation of the other party which at this point you might not be able to count on if you appreciate the insights on this channel I would highly encourage you to get your hands on a copy of my book the value of others over the course of 432 pages I delve deep into my economic model of relationships and explain the behavior of both men and women in the game of mating and dating I also provide a lot of actionable advice on how to get and keep more of what you want in the sexual Marketplace once you read the value of others you'll never look at relationships the same way again now available in ebook audiobook and paperback formats the links are in the description let's get back to it the technical term for investing something with emotion and importance is cathexis which is why the process of divesting something of that same emotion and importance is known as decathexis and though it may not always feel that way this is something that you have some measure of control over you have some measure of control over what you imbue with emotion and importance which means that you have some measure of control over what you strip of emotion and importance decathexis is the process of taking back the best parts of yourself that you may have invested into other things and it's essential that you take these parts back before you kill the dream of the desired future for two reasons in the first place as previously discussed it's very difficult to kill a dream while it is still invested with these parts of yourself and this means that people who don't decathect will feel more pain following the end of a relationship much longer than they need to however there's a second very important reason why it's important to decathect a dream before killing it if people actually succeed in killing the dream without de cathecting which though difficult actually is possible especially if the individuals in question are motivated by sufficient pain and Desperation then they might succeed in killing the best parts of themselves the sweet and hopeful and loving and Noble and beautiful dimensions of their psyche and that is a very big and ultimately self-inflicted loss like I'd like you to consider that no matter how badly another person Burns you in a breakup or a divorce you actually succeed in burning yourself even worse if you end up killing your heart as a result this is the loss of something actual whereas the loss of a desired future as previously discussed is technically only the loss of something potential I understand why people do this the amount of pain that people can experience in the wake of losing hope in a desired future can feel absolutely unbearable like it hurts to breathe it hurts to Blink everything is painful and people can't abide in that degree of pain indefinitely so I can understand why people do what they do in order to escape that pain however if the only way to escape feeling pain is destroy one's capacity to feel anything then really that should only be done as an absolutely Last Resort the ability to take those parts back after the end of a relationship depends on your ability to recognize that the person or the relationship that you lost was not so special in and of itself but by virtue of what you put into it and once you succeed in doing that it's easier to see the dream for what it is namely a dream it was a possible vision of the future that that had no basis in reality irrespective of where the the relationship ended and then it's easier to let go as I explained in how to let go of someone the more you experience pain and resentment and anger and jealousy the more you emotionally cling to an object just like letting go of something physically letting go of something emotionally requires a kind of unclenching it's doing less not more that causes something to fall out of our grip and that's incomparably easier to do if you're able to replace the negative emotions you may be experiencing if not with positive emotions then at least with neutral ones in any case your heartbreak is the death of a dream that you extrapolated in your mind is a consequence of your love and or attraction and there's nothing wrong with that dream it might be a beautiful vision of a potential reality however if we're honest there might have been something wrong with its ution and it's important not to confuse the two take back the good parts of yourself that you invested in that relationship they're yours anyway learn any lessons you may need to learn about the implementation of Dreams in reality and when you're ready keep moving forward you don't need to stop loving just because you've been burned in the past though you may need to learn not to gamble with more than you can afford to lose what do you think does this fit with your own experience let me know in the comments comments below and please send this episode to someone who might benefit from its message because it's Word of Mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow and anyone looking to join my free Weekly Newsletter or book a paid consultation can do so on my website links in the description as always I appreciate your support and thank you for listening