total power exchange sounds intense right like who actually lives that way well I do and it's been the most fulfilling experience of my life I'm alisandra from Dom sub living and in this episode I'll show you exactly how me and my partner built the relationship we have now one step at a time welcome to the Doms of living podcast when people hear 24/7 total power exchange they imagine extreme like needing permission to breathe or just being in a constant power struggle but here's the thing tpe isn't about control for control sake it's about trust intention and freedom so there's this myth you may have heard that tpe or or total power exchange is just about abuse disguised as Kink and that can't be farther from the truth because because in reality abuse lacks consent and tpe on the other hand thrives on communication and consent and then there's this other myth that if you're in one of these types of dynamics that you'll somehow lose your Independence um but again the reality is that tpe can actually Empower both Partners the Dom and the sub to really thrive in their roles and one time I actually had a friend kind of believe this myth about me at one time and kind of passed judgment but I was able to frame it in a way where they actually saw it was for my own benefit so I was at this party with a a bunch of other woman and it was at a friend's apartment so we were in this apartment complex and it was late at night and the way the parking was none of us can park inside the parking complex we had to park outside the parking complex so when it came time for us to leave for the night I said you know hold on let me text my husband really quick to let him know that I'm going to be you know leaving and going out to my car so that way he knows where I'm at and one of my other friends just kind of gave me this like concerned look like I can't believe you're in this type of controlling relationship and they were like really like your husband makes you you know text him when you're you know leaving from one place to another and I just basically said yeah because he cares about me and wants to know where I am and that I'm safe and they were still kind of shocked and then they said well my husband doesn't really care about stuff like that and I think when they said it themselves they realized like oh oh maybe my husband should care about things like that so I never see it as I'm losing my Independence I really see being in a tpe relationship that it really is for my benefit and helps me grow as a partner but if you're thinking okay this type of 247 tpe Dynamic sounds good to me but I don't even know where to start well trust me you're not alone a lot of people feel that way but we all have to start somewhere so just take it one step at a time and I'm going to show you how to do that right now so step one is to start with education so really learn and explore without pressure because that is just so important because you don't want to dive in too fast and especially if you have a partner already you don't want to scare them either so every Journey just really begins with curiosity and for us it just really started with late night Google searches um different books and just a ton of conversations because I remember stumbling across an article about power dynamics and you know 247 Dynamics and I remember thinking like wait people actually do this outside the bedroom and it just felt like this missing p piece of a puzzle that I didn't even really know I was solving at the time it just everything clicked and made sense in that moment but some examples of different resources to get you started in this first step is just really different books out there blogs workshops um podcasts like this one um we have our Dom sub training course which takes you through all of this step by step so that's always as a resource if you need it but so that is the the first step just really starting with education and then the second step is to Define roles and boundaries because Clarity in your roles and just boundaries in general is just so Foundation to building trust and growing and for us defining our roles wasn't just about figuring out well who's in charge it was about understanding what the roles meant to us what we needed what we could give and where we even drew the line to and this goes beyond just being Dom and sub but just really knowing what are the the nuances of those roles too and so some examples of these early discussions we were having is um I started calling my my husband I started calling him daddy but we also played around with sir and master just to really see and feel what felt right for us and then in terms of boundaries one of my boundaries was that I needed regular check-ins even if we were busy and in the beginning when we were starting 247 tpe that looked like having a discussion every night a check-in every night just to see how was today for you was it too much not enough would you like more and then once we kind of got in a Groove and we were like okay this isn't going to fall apart we're we're we're okay we started moving to once a week check-ins that we have now and we also talked about our hard and soft limits so we had been together for many years already so we kind of already knew what our hard and soft limits were but as we started venturing more into BDSM um things got even more specific and one um you know kind of soft limit that we event eventually explored was degradation play I was really hesitant about it in the beginning but me and my dom talked about it and I was you know I have so many insecurities already I was afraid that it was just going to really damage me um but we really took these baby steps and talked about some of our our limits around it and it really became one of our our favorite parts of our Dynamic so these conversations are just so important but no it can feel awkward or overwhelming to Define everything especially in the beginning because you start wondering like well what if I miss something what if it feels too rigid um what if it feels too laidback but um you know here's the thing it's okay to start small and just adjust as you go you don't have to get it right right off the bat and I would kind of be worried if you are trying to do too much in the very beginning so that was step two defining roles and boundaries but step three is creating your contract and I know this is where everybody groans but contracts are really a tool for clarity and commitment and I'll admit that idea of writing a contract just felt really formal it felt like being back in school and having to write an essay it you know just kind of felt too formal but honestly it turned out to be one of the best things we ever did for our Dynamic and when we first sat down to write our first version of our contract um we kind of made it a a special ceremony thing so we had candles lit we drank alcohol at the time so we had a glass of wine and we just kind of just started you know with a simple question which is you know what do you want out of this relationship but um the more we talked it just really opened up even more discussions and the whole thing just really felt surprisingly romantic it felt really kinky too because we were talking about kinky things so it just was this really special moment but some things you want to include in a contract are things like safe words daily rituals um long-term goals um we do have a free contract if you want to take a look at it at domo.com contract that you can download and customize it's always there for you but if you're thinking a contract just feels too serious or it reminds me of the scene in 50 Shades of Gray and how cheesy that was but remember this isn't about perfection it's about Clarity and also contracts can change over time and they should change over time and if you don't want something cheesy you can use something just like your your notes app but we're talking about going 24/7 total power exchange so you do need a contract to really set the guidelines for this type of relationship um it never fails whenever I am coaching couples and they tell me they're dealing with issues or they're getting into the vanilla rut one of the first things I ask them is do you have a contract and so many times they will say no we didn't want to do that we just thought you didn't really need that or you know it sounded cheesy and I'm just always like if you have a contract it will just fix and solve so many of the issues that you're dealing with so always start with a contract and again if you need one I got you covered at doing.com contract so hopefully now you're sold on contracts and so that brings us now to step four so implementing daily and weekly check-ins so we kind of already talked about this but communication is so vital when it comes to maintaining a healthy tpe Dynamic and our first check-ins were really awkward it was kind of just us sitting around not knowing what to do or having any format and just kind of being like so how was your week this week but over time they kind of did become more formal and they really just became the glue that really held everything together um so now how we do it is we do them on Sunday evening and and so my dom will have me start by kneeling and he'll just tell me that I have permission to speak freely and we just really talk about our wins and our challenges um everything we want to keep doing improve do improve uh start or stop we kind of talk about what we talked about last week and what our goals were then and how we're doing now and what our goals are for the next week and what we can kind of look forward to um so we just use this as as an opportunity to just really talk about our Dynamic and how we can improve it and having these check-ins can really resolve different potential issues that can come up and one time I was really really sick I was dealing with bronchitis for the second time um and I was just sick as a dog all week and on antibiotics and my dom had really taken things easy on me cuz he knew I was sick he wasn't um doing a lot of the the rituals that we usually do he wasn't assigning me tasks um and so we still had our our weekly check-in at the end of the week um we still had that but I was able to bring up with him how I felt kind of almost neglected in a way because I knew he was taking it easy on on me because I was sick and I appreciated that but at the same time I kind of wish that he was assigning me some things to do so I felt useful as a sub still because I was feeling kind of insecure that whole week being sick like I wasn't useful to him I was failing as a sub you know all these stupid thoughts were going through my head but I was able to let him know how I was feeling and he didn't know any of this um so it was a chance for him to become aware of it and you know of course he apologized um he was trying to take it easy on me because he knew I was sick but um once it was out in the open we were able to brainstorm different ways that I could still serve him in small ways so just even little things like him telling me to you know make the bed or just go outside for five minutes to get some fresh air um you know just little things I could still do for him little rituals we could still have and so this really prevented a a potential issue from just getting bigger and then the next time I got sick cuz of of course I'm always getting sick so I got sick another time that we were able to have small rituals and tasks for me in place so I still felt useful as a submissive so these check-ins are just so important but when you're having these check-ins you may be thinking it just feels like all we're doing is talking and I am always talking about how we need to communicate but the reason is we need to have these discussions and Communications so that we can do the kinky thing so we can have the scenes and go to dungeons later we need to have that foundation so that we can really uh trust our partner and be in a position to then let go and do all those other kinky things later so um you know I always say would you rather talk about these things now or talk about them when they're bigger issues later on down the road so really think about like maybe what's one thing you'd love to say at a checkin but maybe you just haven't been able to yet so that was um one of the other steps to have these regular check-ins and then step five is to establish rituals and routines and protocols um these are really what makes a tpe dynamic really sustainable and fulfilling and fun and kinky because rituals don't have to just be romantic or just totally you know Bland DS related they can be kinky and fun too but if you don't know what a ritual is or a protocol is these are just really small but meaningful actions that are meant to remind us of our roles and our Dynamic so these can be small things like preparing your partner's coffee in the morning um having nightly gratitude exchanges for each other um or it can even be things like maintenance spankings and some people think that rituals need to be extravagant but honestly the simpler the better I kind of always say if you can't do this ritual or this task on a weekly basis then it may be too complicated or extravagant um so really just think about something easy you can do because life is always going to life there is always going to be someone's sick um there's always going to be work there's always going to be you know if you have children there's always going to be a ton of issues with that so really think about uh rituals and protocols that are really sustainable so what's one action that could really make your Dynamic feel more intentional so um if you need ideas definitely go to domu.com protocols we have a huge list there but so that was step five establishing rituals and routines and protocols so hopefully once you've done all these steps then you've made it to going basically all in and transitioning to a total power exchange 247 Dynamic and I remember when me and my dom kind of made that that full switch it was really exciting but it was also just kind of like an aha moment we were talking and just having a conversation and we just both decided to fully Embrace a tpe dynamic it it wasn't something dramatic but it was more like you know we're we're already living this way basically like why not make it official and just kind of From This Moment kind of go cold turkey like let's just not be make it you know let's not be vanilla anymore like let's just decide that here and now like from here on out we're 247 tpe Dynamic um like I said we had done all those steps so we were kind of pretty much already doing it anyway so it was just like this is the next logical thing um and I don't really recommend doing it cold turkey from Ground Zero but once you have done all those steps it does kind of make sense if that's what your goal is at some point you kind of got to make that switch if that's something you want to do you have to have that conversation like okay let's make it official now so when we did make that official switch so what it really looked like um again we were kind of already doing these things anyway so it just makes sense but um we started um implementing tpe in regard regards to our finances so even though I was still he was still delegating doing the bills and things like that um it was just becoming more tpe in regards to me asking permission for making purchases and things like that just delegating um you know him doing the decision making um in terms of like traveling um even food he was just um having more control over um the food I would eat again like if I would go leave somewhere and I want to get coffee I would ask permission for so a lot of these things honestly were just me asking permission more um and him just having more control over day-to-day roles um and you just really have to make it um personal to you you may be listening to some of my examples and thinking oh my gosh I can never do that in my relationship or that just seems too controlling so again and do what feels good for you and your Dynamic but it can feel scary to give up control or if you're the Dom it can feel scary to take over so much control um but for for me for us it just really felt like finally finally letting go of the chaos that was always in my mind of always having to make decisions and just really starting to find peace and I I really trusted him um I think there's a lot of negative um viewpoints in regards to 247 total power exchange Dynamics um I think people think of um Joker and the Joker and Harley as this kind of like toxic relationship where he orders her to do like illegal things um you know this is you know we're talking about movies and fictional characters but um I I trust my dom and we've gone through all those steps so I know he's never going to ask me to do anything that's going to harm me or harm someone else or do something illegal or do something totally bizarre you know just weird that I've built this trust with him so um you know and that's why I recommend going through all these steps first so you have that Foundation you have that trust so I really want you to take the time and reflect and think what's holding you back maybe from taking that next step in your Dynamic and and have a conversation with that with your partner but maybe you're watching this and you're already 24/7 you're already tpe well I have some practical tips for making this successful long term so my biggest advice is just to keep evolving in your roles um don't settle for the dominant you are now or the submissive you are now um keep growing and evolving and trying to be better than you are right now um revisit your contract regularly this is something still me and my dom do that um we try you know at least once a year ideally once a quarter that we will go over our our contract our our different rules and rituals and protocols and see what's working um but also prioritize fun um and connection too I think sometimes when we're in these 247 Dynamics we it can become kind of robotic because we're always doing it we we know what works and we've just been doing it but remember to have fun and Novelty too so you know buy new gear um have different kinds of scenes go to Dungeons and events and meet other people be social um as much as it's hard for an introvert like me being social in this lifestyle has just really helped because it brings new energy into your Dynamic and me and my dom were actually able to do this recently um you know with the holidays things had become so busy and we you know weren't going out and doing as much as we usually did but um on on new years's we were able to go to a dungeon here in LA and just being around other people doing scenes in front of other people seeing other people do scenes um there was even performers there so it just really brought this new energy and life back into our Dynamic where we were just kind of doing the same old thing for a while now and so just being in a new environment around other people being able to talk and socialize and ask people you know how long have you been in the lifestyle and just having these conversations it was just so much fun so if you haven't done something like that um I highly recommend it but I'd love to know what's one step from this episode that you're excited to try so definitely let me know in the comments I'd love to hear it and remember I do have that free contract at dsbl living.com contract that you can download and customize but defin definely subscribe because you don't want to miss any more episodes that are coming and a huge thank you for being a part of this journey with me and until next time keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom sub living [Music]