Transcript for:
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

simon schuster audio presents how to win friends and influence people by dale carnegie read by andrew mcmillan how this book was written and why [Music] during the first 35 years of the 20th century the publishing houses of america printed more than a fifth of a million different books most of them were deadly dull and many were financial failures many did i say the president of one of the largest publishing houses in the world confessed to me that his company after 75 years of publishing experience still lost money on seven out of every eight books it published why then did i have the temerity to write another book and after i had written it why should you bother to read it fair questions both and i'll try to answer them i have since 1912 been conducting educational courses for business and professional men and women in new york at first i conducted courses in public speaking only courses designed to train adults by actual experience to think on their feet and express their ideas with more clarity more effectiveness and more poise both in business interviews and before groups but gradually as the seasons passed i realized that as sorely as these adults needed training and effective speaking they needed still more training in the fine art of getting along with people in everyday business and social contacts i also gradually realized that i was sorely in need of such training myself as i look back across the years i'm appalled at my own frequent lack of finesse and understanding how i wish a book such as this had been placed in my hands 20 years ago what a priceless boon it would have been dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face especially if you're in business yes and that is also true if you are a housewife architect or engineer research done a few years ago under the auspices of the carnegie foundation for the advancement of teaching uncovered a most important and significant fact a fact later confirmed by additional studies made at the carnegie institute of technology these investigations revealed that even in such technical lines as engineering about 15 percent of one's financial success is due to one's technical knowledge and about 85 percent is due to skill in human engineering to personality and the ability to lead people for many years i conducted courses each season at the engineers club of philadelphia and also courses for the new york chapter of the american institute of electrical engineers a total of probably more than 1500 engineers have passed through my classes they came to me because they had finally realized after years of observation and experience that the highest paid personnel in engineering are frequently not those who know the most about engineering one can for example hire mere technical ability in engineering accountancy architecture or any other profession at nominal salaries but the person who has technical knowledge plus the ability to express ideas to assume leadership and to arouse enthusiasm among people that person is headed for higher earning power in the heyday of his activity john d rockefeller said that the ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee and i will pay more for that ability said john d than for any other under the sun wouldn't you suppose that every college in the land would conduct courses to develop the highest priced ability under the sun but if there is just one practical common sense course of that kind given for adults and even one college in the land it has escaped my attention up to the present writing the university of chicago and the united ymca schools conducted a survey to determine what adults want to study that survey cost twenty five thousand dollars and took two years the last part of the survey was made in meridian connecticut it had been chosen as a typical american town every adult in meriden was interviewed and requested to answer 156 questions questions such as what is your business or profession your education how do you spend your spare time what is your income your hobbies your ambitions your problems what subjects are you most interested in studying and so on that survey revealed that health is the prime interest of adults and that their second interest is people how to understand and get along with people how to make people like you and how to win others to your way of thinking so the committee conducting this survey resolved to conduct such a course for adults in meriden they searched diligently for a practical textbook on the subject and found not one finally they approached one of the world's outstanding authorities on adult education and asked him if he knew of any book that met the needs of this group no he replied i know what those adults want but the book they need has never been written i knew from experience that this statement was true for i myself had been searching for years to discover a practical working handbook on human relations since no such book existed i have tried to write one for use in my own courses and here it is i hope you like it in preparation for this book i read everything that i could find on the subject everything from newspaper columns magazine articles records of the family courts the writings of the old philosophers and the new psychologists in addition i hired a trained researcher to spend one and a half years in various libraries reading everything i had missed plowing through erudite tomes on psychology pouring over hundreds of magazine articles searching through countless biographies trying to ascertain how the great leaders of all ages had dealt with people we read their biographies we read the life stories of all great leaders from julius caesar to thomas edison i recall that we read over 100 biographies of theodore roosevelt alone we were determined to spare no time no expense to discover every practical idea that anyone had ever used throughout the ages for winning friends and influencing people i personally interviewed scores of successful people some of them world famous inventors like marconi and edison political leaders like franklin d roosevelt and james farley business leaders like owen d young movie stars like clark gable and mary pickford and explorers like martin johnson and tried to discover the techniques they used in human relations from all this material i prepared a short talk i called it how to win friends and influence people i say short it was short in the beginning but it soon expanded to a lecture that consumed an hour and 30 minutes for years i gave this talk each season to the adults in the carnegie institute courses in new york i gave the talk and urged the listeners to go out and test it in their business and social contacts and then come back to class and speak about their experiences and the results they'd achieved what an interesting assignment these men and women hungry for self-improvement were fascinated by the idea of working in a new kind of laboratory the first and only laboratory of human relationships for adults that had ever existed this book wasn't written in the usual sense of the word it grew as a child grows it grew and developed out of that laboratory out of the experiences of thousands of adults years ago we started with a set of rules printed on a card no larger than a postcard the next season we printed a larger card then a leaflet then a series of booklets each one expanding in size and scope after 15 years of experiment and research came this book the rules we have set down here are not mere theories or guess work they work like magic incredible as it sounds i have seen the application of these principles literally revolutionize the lives of many people to illustrate a man with 314 employees joined one of these courses for years he had driven and criticized and condemned his employees without stint or discretion kindness words of appreciation and encouragement were alien to his lips after studying the principles discussed in this book this employer sharply altered his philosophy of life his organization is now inspired with a new loyalty a new enthusiasm a new spirit of teamwork 314 enemies have been turned into 314 friends as he proudly said in a speech before the class when i used to walk through my establishment no one greeted me my employees actually looked the other way when they saw me approaching but now they are all my friends and even the janitor calls me by my first name this employer gained more profit more leisure and what is infinitely more important he found far more happiness in his business and in his home countless numbers of salespeople have sharply increased their sales by the use of these principles many have opened up new accounts accounts that they had formally solicited in vain executives have been given increased authority increased pay one executive reported a large increase in salary because he applied these truths another an executive in the philadelphia gas works company was slated for demotion when he was 65 because of his belligerence because of his inability to lead people skillfully this training not only saved him from the demotion but brought him a promotion with increased pay on innumerable occasions spouses attending the banquet given at the end of the course have told me that their homes have been much happier since their husbands or wives started this training people are frequently astonished at the new results they achieve it all seems like magic in some cases in their enthusiasm they have telephoned me at my home on sundays because they couldn't wait 48 hours to report their achievements at the regular session of the course one man was so stirred by a talk on these principles that he sat far into the night discussing them with other members of the class at three o'clock in the morning the others went home but he was so shaken by a realization of his own mistakes so inspired by the vista of a new and richer world opening before him that he was unable to sleep he didn't sleep that night or the next day or the next night who was he a naive untrained individual ready to gush over any new theory that came along no far from it he was a sophisticated blase dealer in art very much the man about town who spoke three languages fluently and was a graduate of two european universities while writing this chapter i received a letter from a german of the old school an aristocrat whose forebears had served for generations as professional army officers under the hohenzollerns his letter written from a transatlantic steamer telling about the application of these principles rose almost to a religious fervor another man an old new yorker a harvard graduate a wealthy man the owner of a large carpet factory declared he had learned more in 14 weeks through this system of training about the fine art of influencing people then he had learned about the same subject during his four years in college absurd laughable fantastic of course you're privileged to dismiss this statement with whatever adjective you wish i am merely reporting without comment a declaration made by a conservative and eminently successful harvard graduate in a public address to approximately 600 people at the yale club in new york on the evening of thursday february 23 1933 compared to what we ought to be said the famous professor william james of harvard compared to what we ought to be we are only half awake we are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources stating the thing broadly the human individual thus lives far within his limits he possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use those powers which you habitually fail to use the sole purpose of this book is to help you discover develop and profit by those dormant and unused assets education said dr john g hibben former president of princeton university is the ability to meet life's situations if by the time you have finished listening to the first three chapters of this book if you aren't then a little better equipped to meet life situations then i shall consider this book to be a total failure so far as you are concerned for the great aim of education said herbert spencer is not knowledge but action and this is an action book how to win friends and influence people by dale carnegie part one fundamental techniques in handling people chapter 1 if you want to gather honey don't kick over the beehive on may 7 1931 the most sensational manhunt new york city had ever known had come to its climax after weeks of search two gun crowley the killer the gunman who didn't smoke or drink was at bay trapped in his sweetheart's apartment on west end avenue 150 policemen and detectives laid siege to his top floor hideaway they chopped holes in the roof they tried to smoke out crowley the cop killer with tear gas then they mounted their machine guns on surrounding buildings and for more than an hour one of new york's fine residential areas reverberated with a crack of pistol fire and the rat-tat-tat of machine guns crawley crouching behind an overstuffed chair fired incessantly at the police ten thousand excited people watched the battle nothing like it had ever been seen before on the sidewalks of new york when crowley was captured police commissioner ep mulrooney declared that the two-gun desperado was one of the most dangerous criminals ever encountered in the history of new york he will kill said the commissioner at the drop of a feather but how did tugun crowley regard himself we know because while the police were firing into his apartment he wrote a letter addressed to whom it may concern and as he wrote the blood flowing from his wounds left a crimson trail on the paper in this letter crowley said under my coat is a weary heart but a kind one one that would do nobody any harm a short time before this crowley had been having a necking party with his girlfriend on a country road out on long island suddenly a policeman walked up to the car and said let me see your license without saying a word crowley drew his gun and cut the policeman down with a shower of lead as the dying officer fell crowley leaped out at the car grabbed the officer's revolver and fired another bullet into the prostrate body and that was the killer who said under my coat is a weary heart but a kind one one that would do nobody any harm crawley was sentenced to the electric chair when he arrived at the death house and sing-sing did he say this is what i get for killing people no he said this is what i get for defending myself the point of the story is this two gun crawley didn't blame himself for anything is that an unusual attitude among criminals if you think so listen to this i have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures helping them have a good time and all i get is abuse the existence of a hunted man that's al capone speaking yes america's most notorious public enemy the most sinister gang leader who ever shot up chicago capone didn't condemn himself he actually regarded himself as a public benefactor an unappreciated and misunderstood public benefactor and so did dutch schultz before he crumpled up under gangster bullets in newark dutch schultz one of new york's most notorious rats said in a newspaper interview that he was a public benefactor and he believed it i've had some interesting correspondence with louis laws who was warden of new york's infamous sing-sing prison for many years on this subject and he declared that few of the criminals in sing-sing regard themselves as bad men they are just as human as you and i so they rationalize they explain they can tell you why they had to crack a safe or be quick on the trigger finger most of them attempt by a form of reasoning fallacious or logical to justify their anti-social acts even to themselves consequently stoutly maintaining that they should never have been imprisoned at all if al capone two-gun crowley dutch schultz and the desperate men and women behind prison walls don't blame themselves for anything what about the people with whom you and i come in contact john wanamaker founder of the stores that bear his name once confessed i learned 30 years ago that it is foolish to scold i have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that god has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence wanamaker learned this lesson early but i personally had to blunder through this old world for a third of a century before it even began to dawn upon me that 99 times out of 100 people don't criticize themselves for anything no matter how wrong it may be criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person's precious pride hurts his sense of importance and arouses resentment bf skinner the world famous psychologist proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior later studies have shown that the same applies to humans by criticizing we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment han selye another great psychologist said as much as we thirst for approval we dread condemnation the resentment that criticism engenders can demoralize employees family members and friends and still not correct the situation that has been condemned george b johnston of enid oklahoma is the safety coordinator for an engineering company one of his responsibilities is to see that employees wear their hard hats whenever they are on a job in the field he reported that whenever he came across workers who were not wearing hard hats he would tell them with a lot of authority of the regulation and that they must comply as a result he would get sullen acceptance and often after he left the workers would remove the hats he decided to try a different approach the next time he found some of the workers not wearing their hard hat he asked if the hats were uncomfortable or didn't fit properly then he reminded the men in a pleasant tone of voice that the hat was designed to protect them from injury and suggested that it always be worn on the job the result was increased compliance with the regulation with no resentment or emotional upset you'll find examples of the futility of criticism bristling on a thousand pages of history take for example the famous quarrel between theodore roosevelt and president taft a quarrel that split the republican party put woodrow wilson in the white house and wrote bold luminous lines across the first world war and altered the flow of history let's review the facts quickly when theodore roosevelt stepped out of the white house in 1908 he supported taft who was elected president then theodore roosevelt went off to africa to shoot lions when he returned he exploded he denounced taft for his conservatism tried to secure the nomination for a third term himself formed the bulmost party and all but demolished the gop in the election that followed william howard taft and the republican party carried only two states vermont and utah the most disastrous defeat the party had ever known theodore roosevelt blamed taft but did president taft blame himself of course not with tears in his eyes taft said i don't see how i could have done any differently from what i have who was to blame roosevelt or taft frankly i don't know and i don't care the point i'm trying to make is that all of theodore roosevelt's criticism didn't persuade taft that he was wrong it merely made taft strive to justify himself and to reiterate with tears in his eyes i don't see how i could have done any differently from what i have or take the teapot dome oil scandal it kept the newspapers ringing with indignation in the early 1920s it rocked the nation within the memory of living men nothing like it had ever happened before in american public life now here are the bare facts of the scandal albert b fall secretary of the interior and harding's cabinet was entrusted with the leasing of government oil reserves at elk hill and teapot dome oil reserves that had been set aside for the future of the navy did secretary fall permit competitive bidding no sir he handed the fat juicy contract outright to his friend edward l doheny what did doheny do he gave secretary fall what he was pleased to call a loan of one hundred thousand dollars and then in a high-handed manner secretary fall ordered united states marines into the district to drive off competitors whose adjacent wells were sapping oil out of the elk hill reserves these competitors driven off their ground at the ends of guns and bayonets rushed into court and blew the lid off the teapot dome scandal a stench arose so vile that it ruined the harding administration nauseated an entire nation threatened to wreck the republican party and put albert b fall behind prison bars fall was condemned viciously condemned as few men in public life have ever been did he repent never years later herbert hoover intimated in a public speech that president harding's death had been due to mental anxiety and worry because a friend had betrayed him when mrs fall heard that she sprang from her chair she wept she shook her fists at fate and screamed what harding betrayed by fall no my husband never betrayed anyone this whole house full of gold would not tempt my husband to do wrong he is the one who has been betrayed and led to the slaughter and crucified and there you are human nature in action wrongdoers blaming everybody but themselves we are all like that so when you and i are tempted to criticize someone tomorrow let's remember al capone tougan crowley and albert fall let's realize that criticisms are like homing pigeons they always return home let's realize that the person we're going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself and condemn us in return or like the gentle taft will say i don't see how i could have done any differently from what i have [Music] on the morning of april 15 1865 abraham lincoln lay dying in a hall bedroom of a cheap lodging house directly across the street from ford's theater where john wilkes booth had shot him lincoln's long body lay stretched diagonally across a sagging bed that was too short for him a cheap reproduction of rosa boner's famous painting the horse fare hung above the bed and a dismal gas jet flickered yellow light as lincoln lay dying secretary of war stanton said there lies the most perfect ruler of men that the world has ever seen what was the secret of lincoln's success in dealing with people i studied the life of abraham lincoln for 10 years and devoted all of three years to writing and rewriting a book entitled lincoln the unknown i believe i have made as detailed and exhaustive a study of lincoln's personality and home life as it is possible for any being to make i made a special study of lincoln's method of dealing with people did he indulge in criticism oh yes as a young man in the pigeon creek valley of indiana he not only criticized but he wrote letters and poems ridiculing people and dropped these letters on the country roads where they were sure to be found one of these letters aroused resentments that burned for a lifetime even after lincoln had become a practicing lawyer in springfield illinois he attacked his opponents openly in letters published in the newspapers but he did this just once too often in the autumn of 1842 he ridiculed a vain pugnacious politician by the name of james shields lincoln lampooned him through an anonymous letter published in the springfield journal the town roared with laughter shields sensitive and proud boiled with indignation he found out who wrote the letter lept on his horse started after lincoln and challenged him to fight a duel lincoln didn't want to fight he was opposed to dueling but he couldn't get out of it and save his honor he was given the choice of weapons since he had very long arms he chose cavalry broadswords and took lessons in sword fighting from a west point graduate and on the appointed day he and shields met on a sand bar in the mississippi river prepared to fight to the death but at the last minute their seconds interrupted and stopped the duel and that was the most lurid personal incident in lincoln's life it taught him an invaluable lesson in the art of dealing with people never again did he write an insulting letter never again did he ridicule anyone and from that time on he almost never criticized anybody for anything time after time during the civil war lincoln put a new general at the head of the army of the potomac and each one in turn mcclellan pope burnside hooker mead blundered tragically and drove lincoln to pacing the floor in despair half the nation savagely condemned these incompetent generals but lincoln with malice toward none and charity for all held his peace one of his favorite quotations was judge not that ye be not judged and when mrs lincoln and others spoke harshly of the southern people lincoln replied don't criticize them they are just what we would be under similar circumstances yet if any man ever had occasion to criticize surely it was lincoln let's take just one illustration the battle of gettysburg was fought during the first three days of july 1863 during the night of july 4th lee began to retreat southward while storm clouds deluged the country with rain when lee reached the potomac with his defeated army he found a swollen impassable river in front of him and a victorious union army behind him lee was in a trap he couldn't escape lincoln saw that here was a golden heaven-sent opportunity the opportunity to capture lee's army and end the war immediately so with a surge of high hope lincoln ordered mead not to call a council of war but to attack lee immediately lincoln telegraphed his orders and then sent a special messenger to meade demanding immediate action and what did general meade do he did the very opposite of what he was told to do he called a council of war in direct violation of lincoln's orders he hesitated he procrastinated he telegraphed all manner of excuses he refused point blank to attack lee finally the waters receded and lee escaped over the potomac with his forces lincoln was furious what does this mean lincoln cried to his son robert great god what does this mean we had them within our grasp and had only to stretch forth our hands and they were ours yet nothing that i could say or do could make the army move under the circumstances almost any general could have defeated lee if i had gone up there i could have whipped him myself in bitter disappointment lincoln sat down and wrote me this letter and remember at this period of his life lincoln was extremely conservative and restrained in his phraseology so this letter coming from lincoln in 1863 was tantamount to the severest rebuke my dear general i do not believe you appreciate the magnitude of the misfortune involved in lee's escape he was within our easy grasp and to have closed upon him would in connection with our other late successes have ended the war as it is the war will be prolonged indefinitely if you could not safely attack lee last monday how can you possibly do so south of the river when you can take with you very few no more than two-thirds of the force you then had in hand it would be unreasonable to expect and i do not expect that you can now affect much your golden opportunity is gone and i am distressed immeasurably because of it what do you suppose me did when he read the letter mead never saw that letter lincoln never mailed it it was found among his papers after his death my guess is and this is only a guess that after writing that letter lincoln looked out of the window and said to himself just a minute maybe i ought not to be so hasty it is easy enough for me to sit here in the quiet of the white house and order mead to attack but if i had been up at gettysburg and if i had seen as much blood as mead had seen during the last week and if my ears had been pierced with the screams and the shrieks of the wounded and dying maybe i wouldn't have been so anxious to attack either if i had mead's timid temperament perhaps i would have done just what he had done anyhow it is water under the bridge now if i send this letter it will relieve my feelings but it will make me try to justify himself it will make him condemn me it will arouse hard feelings impair all his further usefulness as a commander and perhaps force him to resign from the army so as i've already said lincoln put the letter aside for he'd learned by better experience that sharp criticisms and rebukes almost invariably end in futility theodore roosevelt said that when he as president was confronted with a perplexing problem he used to lean back and look up at a large painting of lincoln which hung above his desk in the white house and asked himself what would lincoln do if he were in my shoes how would he solve this problem the next time we're tempted to admonish somebody let's pull a five dollar bill out of our pocket look at lincoln's picture on the bill and ask how would lincoln handle this problem if he had it mark twain lost his temper occasionally and wrote letters that turned the paper brown for example he once wrote to a man who deroused his ire the thing for you is a burial permit you have only to speak and i will see that you get it on another occasion he wrote to an editor about a proofreader's attempts to improve my spelling and punctuation he ordered set the matter according to my copy hereafter and see that the proofreader retains his suggestions in the mush of his decayed brain the writing of these stinging letters made mark twain feel better they allowed him to blow off steam and the letters didn't do any real harm because mark's wife secretly lifted them out of the mail and they were never sent do you know someone you'd like to change and regulate and improve good that's fine i'm all in favor of it but why not begin on yourself from a purely selfish standpoint that's a lot more profitable than trying to improve others yes and a lot less dangerous don't complain about the snow on your neighbor's roof said confucius when your own doorstep is unclean when i was still young and trying hard to impress people i wrote a foolish letter to richard harding davis an author who once loomed large on the literary horizon of america i was preparing a magazine article about authors i asked davis to tell me about his method of work a few weeks earlier i'd received a letter from someone with this notation at the bottom dictated but not read i was quite impressed i felt that the writer must be very big and busy and important i wasn't the slightest bit busy but i was eager to make an impression on richard harding davis so i ended my short note with the words dictated but not read he never troubled to answer the letter he simply returned it to me with this scribbled across the bottom your bad manners are exceeded only by your bad manners a true i had blundered and perhaps i deserved this rebuke but being human i resented it i resented it so sharply that when i read of the death of richard harding davis ten years later the one thought that still persisted in my mind i'm ashamed to admit was the hurt that he had given me if you and i want to stir up a resentment tomorrow that may wrangle across the decades and endure until death just let us indulge in the little stinging criticism no matter how certain we are that it is justified when dealing with people let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic we are dealing with creatures of emotion creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity bitter criticism caused the sensitive thomas hardy one of the finest novelists ever to enrich english literature to give up forever the writing of fiction criticism drove thomas chatterton the english poet to suicide benjamin franklin tactless in his youth became so diplomatic so adroit at handling people that he was made american ambassador to france the secret of his success i will speak ill of no man he said and speak all the good i know of everybody any fool can criticize condemn and complain and most fools do but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving a great man shows his greatness said carlisle by the way he treats little men bob hoover a famous test pilot and frequent performer at air shows was returning to his home in los angeles from an air show in san diego as described in the magazine flight operations at 300 feet in the air both engines suddenly stopped by deft maneuvering he managed to land the plane but it was badly damaged although nobody was hurt hoover's first act after the emergency landing was to inspect the airplane's fuel and just as he suspected the world war ii propeller plane he'd been flying had been fueled with jet fuel rather than gasoline upon returning to the airport he asked to see the mechanic who had serviced his airplane the young man was sick with the agony of his mistake tears streamed down his face as hoover approached he had just caused the loss of a very expensive plane and could have caused the loss of three lives as well and you can imagine hoover's anger one could anticipate a tongue lashing at this proud and precise pilot would unleash for that carelessness but hoover didn't scold the mechanic he didn't even criticize him instead he put his big arm around the man's shoulder and said to show you i'm sure that you'll never do this again i want you to service my f-51 tomorrow often parents are tempted to criticize their children you would expect me to say don't but i will not i am merely going to say before you criticize them read one of the classics of american journalism father forgets it originally appeared as an editorial in the people's home journal here it is with the author's permission as condensed in the reader's digest a father forgets is one of those little pieces which dashed off in a moment of sincere feeling strikes an echoing chord in so many readers as to become a perennial reprint favorite since its first appearance father forgets has been reproduced writes the author w livingston learn it in hundreds of magazines and house organs and in newspapers all over the country it has been reprinted almost as extensively in many foreign languages i have given personal permission to thousands who wish to read it from school church and lecture platforms it has been on the air on countless occasions and programs oddly enough college periodicals have used it and high school magazines sometimes a little piece seems mysteriously to click this one certainly did father forgets by w livingston learned listen son i'm saying this as you lie asleep one little paw curled under your cheek and the blonde curl stickily wet on your damp forehead i have stolen into your room alone just a few minutes ago as i sat reading my paper in the library a stifling wave of remorse swept over me guiltily i came to your bedside these are the things i was thinking son i had been crossed to you i scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel i took you to task for not cleaning your shoes i called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor at breakfast i found fault too you spilled things you gulp down your food you put your elbows on the table you spread butter too thick on your bread and as you started off the play and i made for my train you turned and waved a hand and called goodbye daddy and i frowned and said in reply hold your shoulders back then it began all over again in the late afternoon as i came up the road i spied you down on your knees playing marbles there were holes in your stockings i humiliated you before your boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house stockings were expensive and if you had to buy them you'd be more careful imagine that son from a father do you remember later when i was reading in the library how you came in timidly with a sort of hurt look in your eyes when i glanced up over my paper impatient at the interruption you hesitated at the door what is it you want i snapped you said nothing but ran across in one tempestuous plunge and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me and your small arms tightened with an affection that god had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither and then you were gone patterning up the stairs well son it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me what has habit been doing to me the habit of finding fault of reprimanding this was my reward to you for being a boy it was not that i did not love you it was that i expected too much of youth i was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years and there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character the little heart of you was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills this was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night nothing else matters tonight son i have come to your bedside in the darkness and i have knelt there ashamed it is a feeble atonement i know you would not understand these things if i told them to you during your waking hours but tomorrow i will be a real daddy i will chum with you and suffer when you suffer and laugh when you laugh i will bite my tongue when impatient words come i will keep saying as if it were a ritual he is nothing but a boy a little boy i am afraid i have visualized you as a man yet as i see you now son crumpled and weary in your cot i see that you are still a baby yesterday you were in your mother's arms your head on her shoulder i have asked too much too much instead of condemning people let's try to understand them let's try to figure out why they do what they do that's a lot more profitable and intriguing and criticism and it breeds sympathy tolerance and kindness to know all is to forgive all as dr johnson said god himself sir does not propose to judge man until the end of his days why should you and i principle 1 don't criticize condemn or complain chapter 2 the big secret of dealing with people there is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything did you ever stop to think of that yes just one way and that is by making the other person want to do it remember there is no other way of course you can make someone want to give you his watch by sticking a revolver in his ribs you can make your employees give you cooperation until your back is turned by threatening to fire them you can make a child do what you wanted to do by a whip or a threat but these crude methods have sharply undesirable repercussions the only way i can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want what do you want sigmund freud said that everything you and i do springs from two motives the sex urge and the desire to be great john dewey one of america's most profound philosophers phrased it a bit differently dr dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important remember that phrase the desire to be important it is significant you're going to hear a lot about it in this book and what do you want not many things but the few things that you do wish you crave with an insistence that will not be denied some of the things most people want include health and the preservation of life food sleep money and the things money will buy life in the hereafter sexual gratification the well-being of our children a feeling of importance almost all of these wants are usually gratified all except one but there is one longing almost as deep almost as imperious as the desire for food or sleep which is seldom gratified it is what freud calls the desire to be great it is what dewey calls the desire to be important lincoln once began a letter saying everybody likes a compliment william james said the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated he didn't speak mind you of the wish or the desire or the longing to be appreciated he said the craving to be appreciated here is annoying and unfaltering human hunger and the rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart hunger will hold people in the palm of his or her hand and even the undertaker will be sorry when he dies the desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals to illustrate when i was a farm boy out in missouri my father bred fine durrock jersey hogs and pedigreed white-faced cattle we used to exhibit our hogs and white-faced cattle at the county fairs and livestock shows throughout the middle west we won first prizes by the score my father pinned his blue ribbons on a sheet of white muslin and when friends or visitors came to the house he'd get out the long sheet of muslin he'd hold one end and i would hold the other while he exhibited the blue ribbons the hogs didn't care about the ribbons they had won but father did these prizes gave him a feeling of importance if our ancestors hadn't had this flaming urge for a feeling of importance civilizations would have been impossible without it we should have been just about like the animals it was this desire for a feeling of importance that led an uneducated poverty-stricken grocery clerk to study some law books he found on the bottom of a barrel of household plunder that he had bought for 50 cents you've probably heard of this grocery clerk his name was lincoln it was this desire for a feeling of importance that inspired dickens to write his immortal novels this desire inspired sir christopher wren to design his symphonies in stone this desire made rockefeller amass millions that he never spent and this same desire made the richest family in your town build a house far too large for its requirements this desire makes you want to wear the latest styles drive the latest cars and talk about your brilliant children it is this desire that lures many boys and girls into joining gangs and engaging in criminal activities the average young criminal according to e.p mulroney one-time police commissioner of new york is filled with ego and his first request after arrest is for those lurid newspapers that make him out a hero the disagreeable prospect of serving time seems remote so long as he can gloat over his likeness sharing space with pictures of sports figures movie and tv stars and politicians if you tell me how you get your feeling of importance i'll tell you what you are that determines your character this is the most significant thing about you for example john d rockefeller got his feeling of importance by giving money to erect a modern hospital in peking china to care for millions of poor people whom he had never seen and never would see dillinger on the other hand got his feeling of importance by being abandoned a bank robber and a killer when the fbi agents were hunting him he dashed into a farmhouse up in minnesota and said i'm dillinger he was proud of the fact that he was public enemy number one i'm not going to hurt you but i'm dillinger he said yes the one significant difference between dillinger and rockefeller is how they got their feeling of importance history sparkles with amusing examples of famous people struggling for a feeling of importance even george washington wanted to be called his mightiness the president of the united states and columbus pleaded for the title admiral of the ocean and viceroy of india catherine the great refused to open letters that were not addressed to her imperial majesty and mrs lincoln in the white house turned upon mrs grant like a tigress and shouted how dare you be seated in my presence until i invite you our millionaires helped finance admiral byrd's expedition to the antarctic in 1928 with the understanding that ranges of icy mountains would be named after them and victor hugo aspired to have nothing less than the city of paris renamed in his honor even shakespeare mightiest of the mighty tried to add luster to his name by procuring a coat of arms for his family [Music] people sometimes become invalids in order to win sympathy and attention and get a feeling of importance for example take mrs mckinley she got a feeling of importance by forcing her husband the president of the united states to neglect important affairs of state while he reclined on the bed beside her for hours at a time his arm about her soothing her to sleep she fed her gnawing desire for attention by insisting that he remain with her while she was having her teeth fixed and once created a stormy scene when he had to leave her alone with the dentist while he kept an appointment with john haye his secretary of state the writer mary roberts reinhardt once told me of a bright vigorous young woman who became an invalid in order to get a feeling of importance one day said mrs reinhardt this woman had been obliged to face something her age perhaps the lonely years were stretching ahead and there was little left for her to anticipate she took to her bed and for ten years her old mother traveled to the third floor and back carrying trays nursing her then one day the old mother weary with service lay down and died for some weeks the invalid languished then she got up put on her clothing and resumed living again some authorities declare that people may actually go insane in order to find in the dreamland of insanity the feeling of importance that has been denied them in the harsh world of reality there are more patients suffering from mental diseases in the united states than from all other diseases combined what is the cause of insanity nobody can answer such a sweeping question but we know that certain diseases such as syphilis break down and destroy the brain cells and result in insanity in fact about one half of all mental diseases can be attributed to such physical causes as brain lesions alcohol toxins and injuries but the other half and this is the appalling part of the story the other half of the people who go insane apparently have nothing organically wrong with their brain cells in postmortem examinations when their brain tissues are studied under the highest powered microscopes these tissues are found to be apparently just as healthy as yours and mine why do these people go insane i put that question to the head physician at one of our most important psychiatric hospitals this doctor who's received the highest honors and the most coveted awards for his knowledge of this subject told me frankly that he didn't know why people went insane nobody knows for sure but he did say many people who go insane find in insanity a feeling of importance that they were unable to achieve in the world of reality and then he told me this story i have a patient right now whose marriage proved to be a tragedy she wanted love sexual gratification children social prestige but life blasted all her hopes her husband didn't love her he refused even to eat with her and forced her to serve his meals in his room upstairs she had no children no social standing she went insane and in her imagination she divorced her husband and resumed her maiden name she now believes she had married into english aristocracy and she insists on being called lady smith and as for children she imagines that she has a new child every night each time i call on her she says doctor i had a baby last night life once wrecked all her dream ships on the sharp rocks of reality but in the sunny fantasy isles of insanity all her barkantines race into port with canvas billowing and winds singing through the masts tragic oh i don't know her physician said to me if i could stretch out my hand and restore her sanity i wouldn't do it she's much happier as she is if some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it imagine what miracle you and i can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity one of the first people in american business to be paid a salary of over a million dollars a year when there was no income tax and a person earning 50 a week was considered well off was charles schwab he had been picked by andrew carnegie to become the first president of the newly formed united states steel company in 1921 when schwab was only 38 years old schwab later left u.s steel to take over the then troubled bethlehem steel company and he rebuilt it into one of the most profitable companies in america why did andrew carnegie pay a million dollars a year or more than three thousand dollars a day to charles schwab why because schwab was a genius no because he knew more about the manufacturer of steel than other people nonsense charles schwab told me himself that he had many men working for him who knew more about the manufacturer of steel than he did schwab says that he was paid this salary largely because of his ability to deal with people i asked him how he did it here is his secret set down in his own words words that ought to be cast in eternal bronze and hung in every home and school every shop and office in the land words that children ought to memorize instead of wasting their time memorizing the conjugation of latin verbs or the amount of annual rainfall in brazil words that will all but transform your life and mine if we will only live by them i consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people said schwab the greatest asset that i possess and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement there is nothing else that so kills the ambition of a person as criticism from superiors i never criticize anyone i believe in giving a person incentive to work so i'm anxious to praise but loathe to find fault if i like anything i am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise and that is what schwab did but what do average people do the exact opposite if they don't like a thing they ball out their subordinates if they do like it they say nothing as the old couplet says once i did bad and that i heard ever twice i did good but that i heard never in my wide association in life meeting with many and great people in various parts of the world schwab declared i've yet to find the person however great or exalted his station who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism that he said frankly was one of the outstanding reasons for the phenomenal success of andrew carnegie carnegie praised his associates publicly as well as privately carnegie wanted to praise his assistants even on his tombstone he wrote an epitaph for himself which read here lies one who knew how to get around him men who were cleverer than himself sincere appreciation was one of the secrets of the first john d rockefeller's success in handling men for example when one of his partners edward t bedford lost a million dollars for the firm by a bad buy in south america john d might have criticized but he knew bedford had done his best and the incident was closed so rockefeller found something to praise he congratulated bedford because he'd been able to save sixty percent of the money he'd invested that's splendid said rockefeller we don't always do as well as that upstairs i have among my clippings a story that i know never happened but it illustrates a truth so i'll repeat it according to this silly story a farm woman at the end of a heavy day's work set before her men folks a heaping pile of hay when they indignantly demanded whether she'd gone crazy she replied well how did i know you'd notice i've been cooking for you men for the last 20 years and in all that time i ain't heard no word to let me know you wasn't just eating hay and when a study was made a few years ago on runaway wives what do you think was discovered to be the main reason wives ran away it was lack of appreciation and i'd bet that a similar study made of runaway husbands would come out the same way we often take our spouses so much for granted that we never let them know we appreciate them a member of one of our classes told of a request made by his wife she and a group of other women in her church were involved in the self-improvement program she asked her husband to help her by listing six things he believed she could do to become a better wife he reported to the class i was surprised by such a request frankly it would have been easy for me to list six things i would like to change about her my heaven she could have listed a thousand things you'd like to change about me but i didn't i said to her let me think about it and give you an answer in the morning the next morning i got up very early and called the florist and had them send six red roses to my wife with a note saying i can't think of six things i would like to change about you i love you the way you are when i arrived at home that evening who do you think greeted me at the door that's right my wife she was almost in tears needless to say i was extremely glad i had not criticized her as she'd requested the following sunday at church after she reported the results of her assignment several women with whom she'd been studying came up to me and said that was the most considerate thing i've ever heard it was then that i realized the power of appreciation floren ziegfelt the most spectacular producer who ever dazzled broadway gained his reputation by his subtle ability to glorify the american girl a time after time he took grabbed little creatures that no one ever looked at twice and transformed them on the stage into glamorous visions of mystery and seduction and knowing the value of appreciation and confidence he made women feel beautiful by the sheer power of his gallantry in consideration he was practical he raised the salary of chorus girls from thirty dollars a week to as high as 175 and he was also chivalrous on opening night at the follies he sent telegrams to the stars in the cast and he deluged every chorus girl in the show with american beauty roses i once succumbed to the fad of fasting and went for six days and nights without eating it wasn't difficult i was less hungry at the end of the sixth day than i was at the end of the second yet i know as you know people who would think they'd committed a crime if they let their families or employees go for six days without food but they will let them go for six days and six weeks and sometimes 60 years without giving them the hearty appreciation that they crave almost as much as they crave food when alfred lunt one of the great actors of his time played the leading role in reunion in vienna he said there is nothing i need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem we nourish the bodies of our children and friends and employees but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem we provide them with roast beef and potatoes to build energy but we neglect to give them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars paul harvey in one of his radio broadcasts the rest of the story told how showing sincere appreciation can change a person's life he reported that years ago a teacher in detroit asked stevie morris to help her find a mouse that was lost in the classroom you see she appreciated the fact that nature had given stevie something no one else in the room had nature had given stevie a remarkable pair of ears to compensate for his blind eyes but this was really the first time stevie had been shown appreciation for those talented ears now years later he says that this act of appreciation was the beginning of a new life you see from that time on he developed his gift of hearing and went on to become under the stage name of stevie wonder one of the great pop singers and songwriters of the seventies some of you are saying right now as you hear these words oh phooey flattery bare oil i've tried that stuff it doesn't work not with intelligent people of course flattery seldom works with discerning people it is shallow selfish and insincere it ought to fail and it usually does true some people are so hungry so thirsty for appreciation that they'll swallow anything just as a starving man will eat grass and fish worms even queen victoria was susceptible to flattery prime minister benjamin disraeli confessed that he put it on thick in dealing with the queen to use his exact words he said spread it on with a trowel but israeli was one of the most polished deft and the droit men who ever ruled the far-flung british empire he was a genius in his line what would work for him wouldn't necessarily work for you and me in the long run flattery will do you more harm than good flattery is counterfeit and like counterfeit money it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else the difference between appreciation and flattery that's simple one is sincere the other is insincere one comes from the heart out the other from the teeth out one is unselfish the other selfish one is universally admired the other universally condemned i recently saw a bust of mexican hero general alvaro obregon in the chapultepec palace in mexico city below the buster carved these wise words from general obregon's philosophy don't be afraid of enemies who attack you be afraid of the friends who flatter you no no no i'm not suggesting flattery far from it i'm talking about a new way of life now let me repeat i am talking about a new way of life king george v had a set of six maxims displayed on the walls of his study in buckingham palace one of these maxims said teach me neither to proffer nor receive cheap praise and that's all flattery is cheap praise i once read a definition of flattery that may be worth repeating flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself use what language you will said ralph waldo emerson you can never say anything but what you are if all we had to do was flatter everybody would catch on and we should all be experts in human relations when we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves now if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person's good points we won't have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it's out of the mouth one of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation somehow we neglect to praise our son or daughter when he or she brings home a good report card and we fail to encourage our children when they first succeed in baking a cake or building a birdhouse nothing pleases children more than this kind of parental interest and approval and the next time you enjoy filet mignon at the club send word to the chef that it was excellently prepared and when a tired salesperson shows you unusual courtesy please mention it every minister lecturer and public speaker knows the discouragement of pouring himself or herself out to an audience and not receiving a single ripple of appreciative comment what applies to professionals applies doubly to workers and offices shops and factories and our families and friends in our interpersonal relations we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation it is the legal tender that all souls enjoy try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips you will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit pamela dunham of new fairfield connecticut had among her responsibilities on her job the supervision of a janitor who was doing a very poor job the other employees would jeer at him and litter the hallways to show him what a bad job he was doing it was so bad productive time was being lost in the shop without success pam tried various ways to motivate this person she noticed that occasionally he did a particularly good piece of work she made a point to praise him for it in front of the other people each day the job he did all around got better pretty soon he started doing all his work efficiently now he does an excellent job and other people give him appreciation and recognition honest appreciation got results where criticism and ridicule failed hurting people not only does not change them it is never called for there's an old saying that i have cut out and pasted on my mirror where i cannot help but see it every day i shall pass this way but once any good therefore that i can do or any kindness that i can show to any human being let me do it now let me not defer nor neglect it for i shall not pass this way again emerson said every man i meet is my superior in some way in that i learn of him if that was true of emerson isn't it likely to be a thousand times more true of you and me let's cease thinking of our accomplishments our wants let's try to figure out the other person's good points then forget flattery give honest sincere appreciation be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime repeat them years after you have forgotten them principle 2 give honest sincere appreciation chapter 3 he who can do this has the whole world with him he who cannot walks a lonely way i often went fishing up in maine during the summer personally i'm very fond of strawberries and cream but i found that for some strange reason fish prefer worms so when i went fishing i didn't think about what i wanted i thought about what they wanted i didn't bait the hook with strawberries and cream rather i dangled a worm or a grasshopper in front of the fish and said wouldn't you like to have that why not use the same common sense when fishing for people that is what lloyd george great britain's prime minister during world war one did when someone asked him how he managed to stay in power after the other wartime leaders wilson orlando and clemenceau had been forgotten he replied that if his staying on top might be attributed to any one thing it would be to his having learned that it was necessary to bait the hook to suit the fish why talk about what we want that's childish absurd of course you're interested in what you want you are eternally interested in it but no one else is the rest of us are just like you we are interested in what we want so the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it remember that tomorrow when you're trying to get somebody to do something if for example you don't want your children to smoke don't preach at them and don't talk about what you want but show them that cigarettes may keep them from making the basketball team or winning the 100-yard dash this is a good thing to remember regardless of whether you're dealing with children or calves or chimpanzees for example a one-day ralph waldo emerson and his son tried to get a calf into the barn they made the common mistake of thinking only of what they wanted emerson pushed and his son pulled but the calf was doing just what they were doing he was thinking only of what he wanted so he stiffened his legs and stubbornly refused to leave the pasture the irish housemaid saw their predicament she couldn't write essays or books but on this occasion at least she had more horse sense or calf sense that emerson had she thought of what the calf wanted so she put her maternal finger in the calf's mouth and let the calf suck her finger as she gently let him into the barn every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something what about the time you gave a large contribution to the red cross yes that's no exception to the rule you gave the red cross the donation because you wanted to lend a helping hand you wanted to do a beautiful unselfish divine act in as much as ye have done it under one of the least of these my brethren you have done it unto me if you hadn't wanted that feeling more than you wanted your money you would not have made the contribution of course you might have made the contribution because you were ashamed to refuse or because a customer asked you to do it but one thing is certain you made the contribution because you wanted something harry a overstreet in his illuminating book influencing human behavior said action springs out of what we fundamentally desire and the best piece of advice which can be given to would-be persuaders whether in business in the home in the school in politics is first arouse in the other person an eager want he who can do this has the whole world with him he who cannot walks a lonely way andrew carnegie the poverty stricken scotchlite who started to work at two cents an hour and finally gave away 365 million learned early in life that the only way to influence people is to talk in terms of what the other person wants he attended school only four years yet he learned how to handle people and to illustrate his sister-in-law was worried sick over her two boys they were at yale and they were so busy with their own affairs that they neglected to write home and paid no attention whatever to their mother's frantic letters then carnegie offered to wager a hundred dollars that he could get an answer by return mail without even asking for it someone called his bet so he wrote his nephews a chatty letter mentioning casually in a postscript that he was sending each one a five dollar bill he neglected however to enclose the money back came replies by return mail thanking dear uncle andrew for his kind note and well you can finish the sentence yourself another example of persuading comes from stan novak of cleveland ohio a participant in our course stan came home from work one evening to find his youngest son tim kicking and screaming on the living room floor he was to start kindergarten the next day and was protesting that he would not go a stan's normal reaction would have been to banish the child to his room and tell him he just better make up his mind to go he had no choice but tonight recognizing that this would not really help tim start kindergarten in the best frame of mind stan sat down and thought if i were tim why would i be excited about going to kindergarten he and his wife made a list of all the fun things tim would do such as finger painting singing songs making new friends then they put them into action we all started finger painting on the kitchen table my wife lil my other son bob and myself all having fun soon tim was peeping around the corner next he was begging to participate oh no you have to go to kindergarten first to learn how to finger paint with all the enthusiasm i could muster i went through the list talking in terms that he could understand telling him of all the fun he would have in kindergarten the next morning i thought i was the first one up i went downstairs and found tim sitting sound asleep in the living room chair what are you doing here i asked i'm waiting to go to kindergarten i don't want to be late the enthusiasm of our entire family had aroused in tim an eager want that no amount of discussion or threat could possibly have accomplished tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something before you speak pause and ask yourself how can i make this person want to do it that question will stop us from rushing into a situation heedlessly with futile chatter about our desires at one time i rented the grand ballroom of a certain new york hotel for 20 nights each season in order to hold a series of lectures at the beginning of one season i was suddenly informed that i should have to pay almost three times as much rent as formerly this news reached me after the tickets had been printed and distributed and all announcements had been made naturally i didn't want to pay the increase but what was the use of talking to the hotel about what i wanted they were interested only in what they wanted so a couple of days later i went to see the manager i was a bit shocked when i got your letter i said but i don't blame you at all if i'd been in your position i should probably have written a similar letter myself your duty as manager of the hotel is to make all the profit possible if you don't do that you'll be fired and you ought to be fired now let's take a piece of paper write down the advantages and the disadvantages that will accrue to you if you insist on this increase in rent and then i took the letterhead and ran a line through the center and headed one column advantages and the other column disadvantages i wrote down under the head advantages these words ballroom free and then i went on to say you'll have the advantage of having the ballroom free to rent for dances and conventions that's a big advantage for affairs like that'll pay you much more than you can get for a series of lectures if i tie your ballroom up for 20 nights during the course of the season it's sure to mean a loss of some very profitable business to you now let's consider the disadvantages first instead of increasing your income from me you're going to decrease it in fact you're going to wipe it out because i cannot pay the rent you're asking i shall be forced to hold these lectures at some other place there's another disadvantage to you also these lectures attract crowds of educated and cultured people to your hotel that is good advertising for you isn't it in fact if you spent five thousand dollars advertising in the newspapers you couldn't bring as many people to look at your hotel as i can bring by these lectures that is worth a lot to the hotel isn't it as i talked i wrote these two disadvantages under the proper heading and handed the sheet of paper to the manager saying i wish you'd carefully consider both the advantages and disadvantages that are going to accrue to you and then give me your final decision i received a letter the next day informing me that my rent would be increased only fifty percent instead of three hundred percent mind you i got this reduction without saying a word about what i wanted i talked all the time about what the other person wanted and how he could get it suppose i had done the human natural thing suppose i'd stormed into his office and said what do you mean raising my rent three hundred percent when you know the tickets have been printed and the announcements made three hundred percent ridiculous absurd i won't pay it what would have happened then an argument would have begun to steam and boil and sputter and you know how arguments end even if i had convinced him that he was wrong his pride would have made it difficult for him to back down and give in here is one of the best bits of advice ever given about the fine art of human relationships if there is any one secret of success said henry ford it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own that is so good i want to repeat it if there is any one secret of success it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own that is so simple so obvious that anyone ought to see the truth of it at a glance yet ninety percent of the people on this earth ignore it ninety percent of the time an example look at the letters that come across your desk tomorrow morning and you find that most of them violate this important canon of common sense take this one a letter written by the head of the radio department of an advertising agency with offices scattered across the continent this letter was sent to the managers of local radio stations throughout the country to mr john blank blankville indiana dear mr blank the xyz company desires to retain its position in advertising agency leadership in the radio field who cares what your company desires i'm worried about my own problems the bank is foreclosing the mortgage on my house the bugs are destroying the hollyhocks the stock market tumbled yesterday i missed the 8 15 this morning i wasn't invited to the jones's dance last night the doctor tells me i have high blood pressure and neuritis and dandruff and then what happens i come down to the office this morning worried open my mail and hear some little whipper snapper off in new york yapping about what his company wants but if he only realized what sort of impression his letter makes he would get out of the advertising business and start manufacturing sheep dip this agency's national advertising accounts were the bulwark of the network our subsequent clearances of station time have kept us at the top of agencies year after year you are big and rich and right at the top are you so what i don't give two hoops in hades if you're as big as general motors and general electric and the general staff of the u.s army all combined if you had as much sense as a half-witted hummingbird you'd realize that i'm interested in how big i am not how big you are all this talk about your enormous success makes me feel small and unimportant we desire to service our accounts with the last word on radio station information you desire you desire you unmitigated ass i'm not interested in what you desire or what the president of the united states desires let me tell you once and for all that i am interested in what i desire and you haven't said a word about that yet in this absurd letter of yours will you therefore put the xyz company on your preferred list for weekly station information every single detail that will be useful to an agency in intelligently booking time preferred list you have your nerve you make me feel insignificant by your big talk about your company and then you ask me to put you on a preferred list and you don't even say please when you ask it a prompt acknowledgement of this letter giving us your latest doings will be mutually helpful you fool you mail me a cheap form letter a letter scattered far and wide like the autumn leaves and you have the gall to ask me when i'm worried about the mortgage and the hollyhocks and my blood pressure to sit down and dictate a personal note acknowledging your form letter and you asked me to do it promptly what do you mean promptly don't you know i'm just as busy as you are or at least i like to think i am and while we're on the subject who gave you the lordly right to order me around you say it will be mutually helpful at last at last you have begun to see my viewpoint but you're vague about how it will be to my advantage very truly yours john doe manager radio department ps the enclosed reprint from the blankville journal will be of interest to you and you may want to broadcast it over your station finally down here in the post script you mentioned something that may help me solve one of my problems why didn't you begin your letter with oh what's the use any advertising man who's guilty of perpetrating such drivel as you've sent me has something wrong with his medulla oblongata you don't need a letter giving our latest doings what you need is a quart of iodine in your thyroid gland now if people who devote their lives to advertising and who pose as experts in the art of influencing people to buy if they write a letter like that what can we expect from the butcher and the baker or the auto mechanic here's another letter written by the superintendent of a large freight terminal to a student of this course edward vermillon what effect did this letter have on the man to whom it was addressed let me read it to you and then i'll tell you azarega's sons incorporated 28 front street brooklyn new york 11201 attention mr edward vermillon gentlemen the operations at our outbound rail receiving station are handicapped because a material percentage of the total business is delivered us in the late afternoon this condition results in congestion over time on the part of our forces delays to trucks and in some cases delays to freight on november 10th we received from your company a lot of 510 pieces which reached here at 4 20 p.m we solicit your cooperation toward overcoming the undesirable effects arising from late receipt of freight may we ask that on days on which you ship the volume which was received on the above date effort be made either to get the truck here earlier or to deliver us part of the freight during the morning the advantage that would accrue to you under such an arrangement would be that of more expeditious discharge of your trucks and the assurance that your business would go forward on the date of its receipt very truly yours john brown superintendent after reading this letter mr vermillon sales manager for azarega sons incorporated sent it to me with the following comment this letter had the reverse effect from that which was intended the letter begins by describing the terminal's difficulties in which we're not interested generally speaking our cooperation is then requested without any thought as to whether it would inconvenience us and then finally in the last paragraph the fact is mentioned that if we do cooperate it will mean more expeditious discharge of our trucks with the assurance that our freight will go forward on the date of its receipt in other words that in which we are most interested is mentioned last and the whole effect is one of raising a spirit of antagonism rather than of cooperation let's see if we can't rewrite and improve this letter let's not waste any time talking about our problems as henry ford admonishes let's get the other person's point of view and see things from his or her angle as well as from our own here's one way of revising the letter it may not be the best way but isn't it an improvement mr edward vermillon care of azarega's sons incorporated 28 front street brooklyn new york 11201 dear mr vermillon your company has been one of our good customers for 14 years naturally we're very grateful for your patronage and are eager to give you the speedy efficient service you deserve however we regret to say that it isn't possible for us to do that when your trucks bring us a large shipment late in the afternoon as they did on november 10th why because many other customers make late afternoon deliveries also naturally that causes congestion that means your trucks are held up unavoidably at the pier and sometimes even your freight is delayed that's bad but it can be avoided if you make your deliveries at the pier in the morning when possible your trucks will be able to keep moving your freight will get immediate attention and our workers will get home early at night to enjoy a dinner of the delicious macaroni and noodles that you manufacture regardless of when your shipments arrive we shall always cheerfully do all in our power to serve you promptly you are busy please don't trouble to answer this note yours truly john brown superintendent barbara anderson who worked in a bank in new york desired to move to phoenix arizona because of the health of her son using the principles she had learned in our course she wrote the following letter to 12 banks in phoenix dear sir my 10 years of bank experience should be of interest to a rapidly growing bank like yours in various capacities and bank operations with the bankers trust company in new york leading to my present assignment as branch manager i have acquired skills in all phases of banking including depositor relations credits loans and administration i will be relocating to phoenix in may and i am sure i can contribute to your growth and profit i will be in phoenix the week of april 3rd and would appreciate the opportunity to show you how i can help your bank meet its goals sincerely barbara a anderson do you think mrs anderson received any response from that letter 11 of the 12 banks invited her to be interviewed and she had a choice of which banks offer to accept why mrs anderson did not state what she wanted but wrote in the letter how she could help them and focused on their wants not on her own thousands of salespeople are pounding the pavements today tired discouraged and underpaid why because they're always thinking only of what they want they don't realize that neither you or i want to buy anything if we did we'd go out and buy it but both of us are eternally interested in solving our problems and if salespeople can show us how their services or merchandise will help us solve our problems they won't need to sell us we'll buy and customers like to feel that they're buying not being sold yet many salespeople spend a lifetime in selling without seeing things from the customer's angle for example for many years i lived in forest hills a little community of private homes in the center of greater new york one day as i was rushing to the station i chanced to meet a real estate operator who'd bought and sold property in that area for many years he knew forest hills well so i hurriedly asked him whether or not my stucco house was built with metal lath or a hollow tile he said he didn't know told me what i already knew that i could find out by calling the forest hills garden association the following morning i received a letter from him did he give me the information i wanted he could have gotten it in 60 seconds by a telephone call but he didn't he told me again that i could get it by telephoning and then asked me to let him handle my insurance he was not interested in helping me he was interested only in helping himself j howard lucas of birmingham alabama tells how two salespeople from the same company handled the same type of situation he reported several years ago i was on the management team of a small company headquartered near us was the district office of a large insurance company their agents were assigned territories and our company was assigned to two agents whom i shall refer to as carl and john one morning carl dropped by our office and casually mentioned that his company had just introduced a new life insurance policy for executives and thought we might be interested later on and he'd get back to us when he had more information on it the same day john saw us on the sidewalk while returning from a coffee break and he shouted hey luke hold up i have some great news for you fellows he hurried over and very excitedly told us about an executive life insurance policy his company had introduced that very day it was the same policy that carl had casually mentioned he wanted us to have one of the first issued he gave us a few important facts about the coverage and ended saying the policy's so new i'm going to have someone from the home office come out tomorrow and explain it now in the meantime let's get the application signed and on the way so he can have more information to work with his enthusiasm aroused in us an eager want for this policy even though we still did not have details when they were made available to us they confirmed john's initial understanding of the policy and he not only sold each of us a policy but later doubled our coverage carl could have had those sales but he made no effort to arouse in us any desire for the policies the world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking so the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage he has little competition owen d young a noted lawyer and one of america's great business leaders once said people who can put themselves in the place of other people who can understand the workings of their minds need never worry about what the future has in store for them if you get just one thing out of this book an increased tendency to think always in terms of other people's point of view and see things from their angle if you get just that one thing it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your career looking at the other person's point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment each party should gain from the negotiation in the letters to mr vermillon both the sender and the receiver of the correspondence gained by implementing what was suggested both the bank and mrs anderson won by her letter in that the bank obtained a valuable employee and mrs anderson a suitable job and in the example of john's sale of insurance to mr lucas both gained through this transaction another example in which everybody gained through this principle of arousing an eager want comes from michael e whidden of warwick rhode island who's a territory salesman for the shell oil company mike wanted to become the number one sales person in his district but one service station was holding him back it was run by an older man who could not be motivated to clean up his station it was in such poor shape that sales were declining significantly this manager would not listen to any of mike's pleas to upgrade the station after many exhortations and heart-to-heart talks all of which had no impact mike decided to invite the manager to visit the newest shell station in his territory the manager was so impressed by the facilities at the news station that when mike visited him the next time his station was cleaned up and had recorded a sales increase this enabled mike to reach the number one spot in his district all his talking and discussion hadn't helped but by arousing an eager want in the manager by showing him the modern station he had accomplished his goal and both the manager and mike benefited most people go through college and learn to read virgil and master the mysteries of calculus without ever discovering how their own minds function for instance i once gave a course in effective speaking for the young college graduates who were entering the employee of the carrier corporation the large air conditioner manufacturer one of the participants wanted to persuade the others to play basketball in their free time and this is about what he said i want you to come out and play basketball i like to play basketball the last few times i've been down at the gymnasium there haven't been enough people to get up the game two or three of us got to throwing the ball around the other night and i got a black eye i wish all of you would come down tomorrow night i want to play basketball did he talk about anything you want you don't want to go to a gymnasium that no one else goes to do you you don't care about what he wants you don't want to get a black eye could he have shown you how to get the things you want by using the gymnasium more surely more pep keener edge to the appetite clearer brain fun games basketball to repeat professor overstreet's wise advice first arouse in the other person an eager want he who can do this has the whole world with him he who cannot walks a lonely way one of the students in my training course was worried about his little boy the child was underweight and refused to eat properly his parents used the usual method they scolded and nagged mother wants you to eat this and that father wants you to grow up to be a big man did the boy pay any attention to these pleas and just about as much as you pay to one fleck of sand on a sandy beach no one with a trace of horse sense would expect a child three years old to react to the viewpoint of a father 30 years old yet that was precisely what the father had expected it was absurd he finally saw that so he said to himself what does that boy want how can i tie up what i want to what he wants it was easy for the father when he started thinking about it his boy had a tricycle that he loved to ride up and down the sidewalk in front of the house in brooklyn a few doors down the street lived a bully a bigger boy who would pull the little boy off his tricycle and ride it himself naturally the little boy would run screaming to his mother and she would have to come out and take the bully off the tricycle and put her little boy on again this happened almost every day what did the little boy want it didn't take a sherlock holmes to answer that one his pride his anger his desire for a feeling of importance all the strongest emotions in his makeup goaded him to get revenge to smash the bully in the nose and when his father explained that the boy would be able to wallop the daylights out of the bigger kid someday if he would only eat the things his mother wanted him to eat when his father promised him that there was no longer any problem of dietetics that boy would have eaten spinach sauerkraut salt mackerel anything in order to be big enough to whip the bully who had humiliated him so often after solving that problem the parents tackled another the little boy had the unholy habit of wetting his bed he slept with his grandmother in the morning his grandmother would wake up and feel the sheet and say look johnny you did it again last night he would say no i didn't do it you did it scolding spanking shaming him reiterating that the parents didn't want him to do it none of these things kept the bed dry so the parents asked how can we make this boy want to stop wetting his bed what were his wants or first he wanted to wear pajamas like daddy instead of wearing a nightgown like grandmother grandmother was getting fed up with his nocturnal iniquities so she gladly offered to buy him a pair of pajamas if he'd reform secondly he wanted a bed of his own a grandma didn't object his mother took him to a department store in brooklyn winked at the sales girl and said here's a little gentleman who would like to do some shopping the sales girl made him feel important by saying young man what can i show you he stood a couple of inches taller and said i want to buy a bed for myself when he was shown the one his mother wanted him to buy she winked at the sales girl and the boy was persuaded to buy it the bed was delivered the next day and that night when father came home the little boy ran to the door shouting daddy daddy come upstairs and see my bed that i bought the father looking at the bed obeyed charles schwab's injunction he was hearty in his approbation and lavish in his praise you're not going to wet this bed are you the father said oh no no i'm not going to wet this bed and the boy kept his promise for his pride was involved that was his bed he and he alone had bought it and he was wearing pajamas now like a little man he wanted to act like a man and he did another father kt dutchman a telephone engineer a student of this course couldn't get his three-year-old daughter to eat breakfast food the usual scolding pleading coaxing methods had all ended in futility so the parents asked themselves how can we make her want to do it the little girl loved to imitate her mother to feel big and grown up so one morning they put her on a chair and let her make the breakfast food at just the psychological moment father drifted into the kitchen while she was stirring the cereal and she said oh look daddy i'm making the cereal this morning she ate two helpings of the cereal without any coaxing because she was interested in it she had achieved a feeling of importance she had found in making the cereal an avenue of self-expression william winter once remarked that self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature why can't we adapt this same psychology to business dealings when we have a brilliant idea instead of making others think it is ours why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves they will then regard it as their own they will like it and maybe eat a couple of helpings of it remember first arouse in the other person an eager want he who can do this has the whole world with him he who cannot walks a lonely way principle 3 arouse in the other person an eager want in a nutshell fundamental techniques in handling people principle 1 don't criticize condemn or complain principle 2 give honest sincere appreciation principle 3 arouse in the other person an eager want [Music] [Applause] part two six ways to make people like you chapter one do this and you'll be welcome anywhere why read this book to find out how to win friends why not study the technique of one of the greatest winner of friends the world has ever known who is he you may meet him tomorrow coming down the street when you get within 10 feet of him he will begin to wag his tail if you stop and pat him he'll almost jump out of his skin to show you how much he likes you and you know that behind this show of affection on his part there are no ulterior motives he doesn't want to sell you any real estate and he doesn't want to marry you did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn't have to work for a living a hen has to lay eggs a cow has to give milk a canary has to sing but a dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love when i was five years old my father bought a little yellow-haired pup for 50 cents he was the light and joy of my childhood every afternoon about 4 30 he would sit in the front yard with his beautiful eyes staring steadfastly at the path and as soon as he heard my voice or saw me swinging my dinner pail through the buck brush he was off like a shot racing breathlessly up the hill to greet me with leaps of joy and barks of sheer ecstasy tippy was my constant companion for five years then one tragic night i shall never forget it he was killed within 10 feet of my head killed by lightning tippy's death was the tragedy of my boyhood you never read a book on psychology tippy you didn't need to you knew by some divine instinct that you can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you let me repeat that you can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you yet i know and you know people who blunder through life trying to wig wag other people into becoming interested in them of course it doesn't work people are not interested in you they are not interested in me they are interested in themselves morning noon and after dinner the new york telephone company made a detailed study of telephone conversations to find out which word is the most frequently used you've guessed it it is the personal pronoun i i i it was used 3 900 times in 500 telephone conversations i i i i when you see a group photograph that you're in whose picture do you look for first if we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us we will never have many true sincere friends friends real friends are not made that way napoleon tried it and in his last meeting with josephine he said josephine i have been as fortunate as any man ever was on this earth and yet at this hour you are the only person in the world on whom i can rely and historians doubt whether he could rely even on her adler the famous viennese psychologist wrote a book entitled what life should mean to you in that book he says it is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others it is from among such individuals that all human failures spring you may read scores of erudite tomes on psychology without coming across a statement more significant for you and me adler's statement is so rich with meaning that i'm going to repeat it it is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others it is from among such individuals that all human failures spring i once took a course in short story writing at new york university and during that course the editor of a leading magazine talked to our class he said he could pick up any one of the dozens of stories that drifted across his desk every day and after reading a few paragraphs he could feel whether or not the author liked people if the author doesn't like people he said people won't like his or her stories this hard-boiled editor stopped twice in the course of his talk on fiction writing and apologized for preaching a sermon i am telling you he said the same things your preacher would tell you but remember you have to be interested in people if you want to be a successful writer of stories if that is true of writing fiction you can be sure it is true of dealing with people face to face i spent an evening in the dressing room of howard thurston the last time he appeared on broadway thurston was the acknowledged dean of magicians for 40 years he had traveled all over the world time and again creating illusions mystifying audiences and making people gasp with astonishment more than 60 million people had paid admission to his show and he had made almost 2 million dollars in profit i asked mr thurston to tell me the secret of his success his schooling certainly had nothing to do with it for he ran away from home as a small boy became a hobo rode in box cars slept in haystacks begged his food from door to door and learned to read by looking out of boxcars at signs along the railway did he have a superior knowledge of magic no he told me hundreds of books had been written about ledger domain and scores of people knew as much about it as he did but he had two things that the others didn't have first he had the ability to put his personality across the footlights he was a master showman he knew human nature everything he did every gesture every intonation of his voice every lifting of an eyebrow had been carefully rehearsed in advance and his actions were timed to split seconds but in addition to that thurston had a genuine interest in people he told me that many magicians would look at the audience and say to themselves well there's a bunch of suckers out there a bunch of hicks i'll fool them all right but thurston's method was totally different he told me that every time he went on stage he said to himself i'm grateful because these people come to see me they make it possible for me to make my living in a very agreeable way i'm going to give them the very best i possibly can he declared he never stepped in front of the footlights without first saying to himself over and over i love my audience i love my audience ridiculous absurd your privilege to think anything you like i am merely passing it on to you without comment as a recipe used by one of the most famous magicians of all time george dyke of north warren pennsylvania was forced to retire from his service station business after 30 years when a new highway was constructed over the site of his station it wasn't long before the idle days of retirement began to bore him so he started filling in his time trying to play music on his old fiddle soon he was traveling the area to listen to music and talk with many of the accomplished fiddlers in his humble and friendly way he became generally interested in learning the background and interests of every musician he met although he was not a great fiddler himself he made many friends in this pursuit he attended competitions and soon became known to the country music fans in the eastern part of the united states as uncle george the fiddlescraper from kinzua county when we heard uncle george he was 72 and enjoying every minute of his life by having a sustained interest in other people he created a new life for himself at a time when most people consider their productive years over that too was one of the secrets of theodore roosevelt's astonishing popularity even his servants loved him his valet james e amos wrote a book about him entitled theodore roosevelt hero to his valet in that book amos relates this illuminating incident my wife one time asked the president about a bob white she'd never seen one and he described it to her fully and some time later the telephone at our cottage rang amos and his wife lived in the little cottage on the roosevelt estate at oyster bay my wife answered it and it was mr roosevelt himself he'd called her he said to tell her that there was a bob white outside her window and if she would look out she might see it little things like that were so characteristic of him whenever he went by our cottage even though we were out of sight we'd hear him call out oh annie oh james just a friendly greeting as he went by how could employees keep from liking a man like that how could anyone keep from liking him roosevelt called at the white house one day when president and mrs taft were away his honest liking for humble people was shown by the fact that he greeted all the old white house servants by name even the scullery mate when he saw alice the kitchen maid writes archie butt he asked her if she still made cornbread alice told him that she sometimes made it for the servants but no one ate it upstairs they show bad taste roosevelt boomed and i'll tell the president so when i see him alice brought a piece to him on a plate and he went over to the office eating it as he went and greeting gardeners and laborers as he passed he addressed each person just as he had addressed them in the past ike hoover who had been head usher at the white house for 40 years said with tears in his eyes it's the only happy day we had here in nearly two years and not one of us would exchange it for a hundred dollar bill the same concern for the seemingly unimportant people helped sales representative edward m sykes jr of chatham new jersey retain an account many years ago he reported i called on customers for johnson and johnson in the massachusetts area one account was a drugstore in hingham whenever i went into this store i would always talk to the soda clerk and sales clerk for a few minutes before talking to the owner to obtain his order one day i went up to the owner of the store and he told me to leave as he was not interested in buying j j products anymore because he felt they were concentrating our activities on food and discount stores to the detriment of small drug stores i left with my tail between my legs and drove around the town for several hours finally i decided to go back and try at least to explain our position to the owner of the store when i returned i walked in and as usual said hello to the soda clerk and sales clerk when i walked up to the owner he smiled at me and welcomed me back he then gave me double the usual order i looked at him with surprise and asked him what had happened since my visit only a few hours earlier he pointed to the young man at the soda fountain and said that after i had left the boy had come over and said that i was one of the few salespeople that called on the store that even bothered to say hello to him and to the others in the store he told the owner that if any salesperson deserved his business it was i the owner agreed and remained a loyal customer i never forgot that to be genuinely interested in other people is a most important quality for a salesperson to possess for any person for that matter i have discovered from personal experience that one can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them let me illustrate years ago i conducted a course in fiction writing at the brooklyn institute of arts and sciences and we wanted such distinguished and busy authors as kathleen norris fanny hearst ida tarbell albert payson terhune and rupert hughes to come to brooklyn and give us the benefit of their experiences so we wrote them saying we admired their work and were deeply interested in getting their advice and learning the secrets of their success each of these letters was signed by about 150 students we said we realized that these authors were busy too busy to prepare a lecture so we enclosed a list of questions for them to answer about themselves and their methods of work they liked that who wouldn't like it so they left their homes and traveled to brooklyn to give us a helping hand by using the same method i persuaded leslie m shaw secretary of the treasury in theodore roosevelt's cabinet george w wickersham attorney general and taft's cabinet william jennings bryan franklin d roosevelt and many other prominent men to come to talk to the students of my courses in public speaking all of us be we workers in a factory clerks in an office or even a king upon his throne all of us like people who admire us take the german kaiser for example at the close of world war one he was probably the most savagely and universally despised man on this earth even his own nation turned against him when he fled over into holland to save his neck the hatred against him was so intense that millions of people would have loved to tear him limb from limb or burn him at the stake in the midst of all this forest fire of fury one little boy wrote the kaiser a simple sincere letter glowing with kindliness and admiration this little boy said that no matter what the others thought he would always love wilhelm as his emperor the kaiser was deeply touched by his letter and invited the little boy to come see him the boy came so did his mother and the kaiser married her that little boy didn't need to read a book on how to win friends and influence people he knew how instinctively if we want to make friends let's put ourselves out to do things for other people things that require time energy unselfishness and thoughtfulness when the duke of windsor was prince of wales he was scheduled to tour south america and before he started out on that tour he spent months studying spanish so that he could make public talks in the language of the country and the south americans loved him for it for years i made it a point to find out the birthdays of my friends how although i haven't the foggiest bit of faith in astrology i began by asking the other party whether he believed the date of one's birth had anything to do with character and disposition i then asked him or her to tell me the month and day of birth if he or she said november 24th for example i kept repeating to myself november 24th november 24th the minute my friend's back was turned i wrote down the name at birthday and later would transfer it to a birthday book at the beginning of each year i had these birthday dates scheduled in my calendar pad so that they came to my attention automatically when the natal day arrived there was my letter or telegram what a hit it made i was frequently the only person on earth who remembered if we want to make friends let's greet people with animation and enthusiasm when somebody calls you on the telephone use the same psychology say hello in tones that bespeak how pleased you are to have the other person call many companies train their telephone operators to greet all callers in the tone of voice that radiates interest and enthusiasm the caller feels the company is concerned about them let's remember that when we answer the telephone tomorrow showing a genuine interest in others not only wins friends for you but may develop in its customers a loyalty to your company in an issue of the publication of the national bank of north america of new york the following letter from madeleine rosedale a depositor was published i would like you to know how much i appreciate your staff everyone is so courteous polite and helpful what a pleasure it is after waiting on a long line to have the teller greet you pleasantly last year my mother was hospitalized for five months frequently i went to marie petrucello a teller she was concerned about my mother and inquired about her progress is there any doubt that mrs rosedale will continue to use this bank charles r walters of one of the large banks in new york city was assigned to prepare a confidential report on a certain corporation he knew of only one person who possessed the facts he needed so urgently as mr walters was ushered into the president's office a young woman stuck her head through a door and told the president that she didn't have any stamps for him that day i'm collecting stamps from my 12 year old son the president explained to mr walters mr walters stated his mission and began asking questions the president was vague general nebulous he didn't want to talk and apparently nothing could persuade him to talk the interview was brief and barren frankly i didn't know what to do mr walters said as he related this story to the class then i remembered what his secretary had said to him stamps 12 year old son i also recall that the foreign department of our bank collected stamps stamps taken from letters pouring in from every continent washed by the seven seas the next afternoon i called on this man and sent in word that i had some stamps for his boy was i ushered in with enthusiasm yes sir he couldn't have shaken my hand with more enthusiasm if he'd been running for congress he radiated smiles and good will my georgio loved this one he kept saying as he fondled the stamps look at this this is a treasure we spent half an hour talking stamps and looking at the picture of his boy and then he devoted more than an hour of his time to giving me every bit of information i wanted without my even suggesting that he'd do it he told me all he knew and then he called in his subordinates and questioned them he telephoned some of his associates he loaded me down with facts figures reports and correspondence in the parlance of newspaper reporters i had a scoop here's another illustration cm napoli junior of philadelphia had tried for years to sell fuel to a large chain store organization but the chain store company continued to purchase its fuel from an out-of-town dealer and haul it right past the door of napoli's office mr napoli made a speech one night before one of my classes pouring out his hot wrath upon chain stores branding them as a curse to the nation and still he wondered why he couldn't sell them i suggested that he try different tactics to put it briefly and this is what happened we staged a debate between members of the course on whether the spread of the chain store is doing the country more harm than good napoli at my suggestion took the negative side he agreed to defend the chain stores and then went straight to an executive of the chain store organization that he despised and said i am not here to try to sell fuel i've come to ask you to do me a favor he then told about his debate and said i've come to you for help because i can't think of anyone else who would be more capable of giving me the facts i want i'm anxious to win this debate and i'll deeply appreciate whatever help you can give me and here's the rest of the story in mr napoli's own words i asked this man for precisely one minute of his time it was with that understanding that he consented to see me after i'd stated my case he motioned me to the chair and talked to me for exactly one hour and 47 minutes he called in another executive who'd written a book on chain stores he wrote to the national chain store association and secured for me a copy of a debate on the subject he feels that the chain store is rendering a real service to humanity he's proud of what he's doing for hundreds of communities his eyes fairly glowed as he talked and i must confess that he opened my eyes to things i'd never even dreamed of he changed my whole mental attitude as i was leaving he walked with me to the door put his arm around my shoulder wished me well in my debate and asked me to stop in and see him again and let him know how i made out the last words he said to me were please see me again later in the spring i should like to place an order with you for fuel to me that was almost a miracle here he was offering to buy fuel without my even suggesting it i had made more headway in two hours by becoming genuinely interested in him and his problems than i could have made in 10 years trying to get him interested in me and my product you didn't discover a new truth mr napoli for a long time ago a hundred years before christ was born a famous old roman poet publius cyrus remarked we are interested in others when they are interested in us a show of interest as with every other principle of human relations must be sincere it must pay off not only for the person showing the interest but for the person receiving the attention it is a two-way street both parties benefit martin ginsburg who took our course in long island new york reported how the special interest a nurse took in him profoundly affected his life it was thanksgiving day i was 10 years old i was in a welfare ward of the city hospital and was scheduled to undergo major orthopedic surgery the next day i knew that i could only look forward to months of confinement convalescence and pain my father was dead my mother and i lived alone in a small apartment and we were on welfare my mother was unable to visit me that day as the day went on i became overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness despair fear i knew my mother was home alone worrying about me not having anyone to be with not having anyone to eat with not even having enough money to afford a thanksgiving day dinner and the tears welled up in my eyes and i stuck my head under the pillow pulled the covers over it i cried silently but oh so bitterly so much that my body was racked with pain a young student nurse heard my sobbing and came over to me she took the covers off my face and started wiping my tears she told me how lonely she was having to work that day not being able to be with her family she asked me whether i'd have dinner with her she brought two trays of food sliced turkey mashed potatoes cranberry sauce and ice cream for dessert she talked to me and tried to calm my fears even though she was scheduled to go off duty at 4 pm she stayed on her own time until almost 11 pm she played games with me talked to me and stayed with me until i finally fell asleep many thanksgivings have come and gone since i was 10 but one never passes without me remembering that particular one and my feelings of frustration fear loneliness and the warmth and tenderness of the stranger that somehow made it all bearable if you want others to like you if you want to develop real friendships if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself keep this principle in mind principle one become genuinely interested in other people chapter 2 a simple way to make a good first impression at a dinner party in new york one of the guests a woman who had inherited money was eager to make a pleasing impression on everyone she had squandered a modest fortune on sables diamonds and pearls but she hadn't done anything whatever about her face it radiated sourness and selfishness she didn't realize what everyone knows namely that the expression one wears on one's face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one's back charles schwab told me his smile had been worth a million dollars and he was probably understating the truth for schwab's personality his charm his ability to make people like him were almost wholly responsible for his extraordinary success and one of the most delightful factors in his personality was his captivating smile actions speak louder than words and a smile says i like you you make me happy i'm glad to see you that's why dogs make such a hit they're so glad to see us that they almost jump out of their skins so naturally we're glad to see them a baby's smile has the same effect have you ever been in the doctor's waiting room and looked around at all the glum faces waiting impatiently to be seen dr stephen k spruell a veterinarian in rayton missouri told of a typical spring day when his waiting room was full of clients waiting to have their pets inoculated no one was talking to anyone else and all were probably thinking of a dozen other things they'd rather be doing than wasting time sitting in that office he told one of our classes there were six or seven clients waiting when a young woman came in with a nine-month-old baby and a kitten as luck would have it she sat down next to a gentleman who was more than a little distraught about the long wait for service the next thing he knew the baby just looked up at him with that great big smile that's so characteristic of babies and what did the gentleman do and just what you and i would do of course he smiled back at the baby soon he struck up a conversation with the woman about her baby and his grandchildren and soon the entire reception room joined in and the boredom and tension were converted into a pleasant and enjoyable experience professor james v mcconnell a psychologist at the university of michigan expressed his feelings about a smile people who smile he said tend to manage teach and sell more effectively and to raise happier children there's far more information in the smile than a frown that's why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment the employment manager of a large new york department store told me she'd rather hire a sales clerk who hadn't finished grade school if he or she has a pleasant smile than to hire a doctor of philosophy with a somber face the effect of a smile is powerful even when it's unseen telephone companies throughout the united states have a program called phone power which is offered to employees who use the telephone for selling their services or products in this program they suggest that you smile when talking on the phone your smile comes through in your voice robert cryer manager of a computer department for a cincinnati ohio company told me how he had successfully found the right applicant for a hard to fill position i was desperately trying to recruit a ph.d in computer science for my department i finally located a young man with ideal qualifications who was about to be graduated from purdue university after several phone conversations i learned that he had had several offers from other companies many of them larger and better known than mine i was delighted when he accepted my offer after he started on the job i asked him why he had chosen us over the others he paused for a moment and then he said i think it was because managers in the other companies spoke on the phone in a cold business-like manner which made me feel like just another business transaction your voice sounded as if you were glad to hear from me that you really wanted me to be a part of your organization you can be assured i am still answering my phone with a smile the chairman of the board of directors of one of the largest rubber companies in the united states told me that according to his observations people rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing it this industrial leader doesn't put much faith in the old adage that hard work alone is the magic key that will unlock the door to our desires i have known people he said who succeeded because they had a rip good time conducting their business later i saw those people change as the fun became work the business had grown dull they lost all joy in it and they failed you must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you i've asked thousands of business people to smile at someone every hour of the day for a week and then come to class and talk about the results how did it work let's see here's a letter from william b steinhardt a new york stockbroker his case isn't isolated in fact it's typical of hundreds of cases i've been married for over 18 years wrote mr steinhardt and all that time i seldom smiled at my wife or spoke two dozen words to her from the time i got up until i was ready to leave for business i was one of the worst grouches who ever walked down broadway when you asked me to make a talk about my experience with smiles i thought i'd try it for a week so the next morning while combing my hair i looked at my glum mug in the mirror and i said to myself bill you're going to wipe the scowl off that sourpuss of yours today you are going to smile and you are going to begin right now as i sat down to breakfast i greeted my wife with a good morning my dear and smiled as i said it you warned me that she might be surprised well you underestimated her reaction she was bewildered she was shocked i told her that in the future she could expect this as a regular occurrence and i kept it up every morning this changed attitude of mine brought more happiness into our home in two months since i started than was there during the last year as i leave for my office i greet the elevator operator in the apartment house with a good morning and a smile i greet the doorman with a smile i smile at the cashier in the subway booth when i ask for change as i stand on the floor of the stock exchange i smile at people who until recently never saw me smile i soon found that everybody was smiling back at me i treat those who come to me with complaints or grievances in a cheerful manner i smile as i listen to them and i find that adjustments are accomplished much easier i find that smiles are bringing me dollars many dollars every day i share my office with another broker one of his clerks is a likable young chap i was so elated about the results i was getting that i told him recently about my new philosophy of human relations he then confessed that when i first came to share my office with his firm he thought me a terrible grouch and only recently changed his mind he said i was really human when i smiled i have also eliminated criticism from my system i give appreciation and praise now instead of condemnation i've stopped talking about what i want i'm now trying to see the other person's viewpoint and these things have literally revolutionized my life i am a totally different man a happier man a richer man richer in friendships and happiness the only things that matter much after all you don't feel like smiling and then what the two things first force yourself to smile if you're alone force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing act as if you were already happy and that will tend to make you happy here's the way the psychologist and philosopher william james puts it action seems to follow feeling but really action and feeling go together and by regulating the action which is under the more direct control of the will we can indirectly regulate the feeling which is not thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness if our cheerfulness be lost is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there everybody in the world is seeking happiness and there's only one sure way to find it that is by controlling your thoughts happiness doesn't depend on outward conditions it depends on inner conditions it isn't what you have or who you are or where you are or what you're doing that makes you happy or unhappy it is what you think about it for example two people may be in the same place doing the same thing both may have about an equal amount of money and prestige and yet one may be miserable and the other happy why because of a different mental attitude i have seen just as many happy faces among the poor peasants toiling with their primitive tools in the devastating heat of the tropics as i have seen in air-conditioned offices in new york chicago or los angeles there is nothing either good or bad said shakespeare but thinking makes it so abe lincoln once remarked that most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be he was right i saw a vivid illustration of that truth as i was walking up the stairs of the long island railroad station in new york directly in front of me 30 or 40 crippled boys on canes and crutches were struggling up the stairs one boy had to be carried up i was astonished at their laughter and gaiety i spoke about it to one of the men in charge of the boys oh yes he said when a boy realizes that he's going to be a [ __ ] for life he's shocked at first but after he gets over the shock he usually resigns himself to his fate and then becomes as happy as normal boys i felt like taking my hat off to those boys they taught me a lesson i hope i shall never forget working all by oneself in a closed off room in an office not only is lonely but it denies one the opportunity of making friends with other employees in the company senora maria gonzalez of guadalajara mexico had such a job she envied the shared comradeship of other people in the company as she heard their chatter and laughter as she passed them in the hall during the first weeks of her employment she shyly looked the other way after a few weeks she said to herself maria you can't expect these women to come to you you have to go out and meet them the next time she walked to the water cooler she put on her brightest smile and said hi how are you today to each of the people she met the effect was immediate smiles and hellos were returned the hallway seemed brighter the job friendlier acquaintanceships developed and some ripened into friendships her job and her life became more pleasant and interesting peruse this bit of sage advice from the essayist and publisher albert hubbard but remember perusing it won't do you any good unless you apply it whenever you go out of doors draw the chin in carry the crown of the head high and fill the lungs to the utmost drink in the sunshine greet your friends with a smile and put soul into every hand clasp do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do and then without veering off direction you will move straight to the goal keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do and then as the days go gliding away you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfillment of your desire just as the coral insect takes from the running tide the element it needs picture in your mind the able earnest useful person you desire to be and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual thought is supreme preserve a right mental attitude the attitude of courage frankness and good cheer to think rightly is to create all things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered we become like that on which our hearts are fixed carry your chin in and the crown of your head high we are gods in the chrysalis the ancient chinese were a wise lot wise in the ways of the world and they had a proverb that you and i ought to cut out and paste inside our hats it goes like this a man without a smiling face must not open a shop your smile is a messenger of your good will your smile brightens the lives of all who see it to someone who has seen a dozen people frown scowl or turn their faces away your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds especially when that someone is under pressure from his bosses his customers his teachers or parents or children a smile can help him realize that all is not hopeless that there is joy in the world some years ago a department store in new york city in recognition of the pressures its sales clerks were under during the christmas rush presented the readers of its advertisements with the following homely philosophy the value of a smile at christmas it costs nothing but creates much it enriches those who receive without impoverishing those who give it happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever none are so rich they can get along without it and none so poor but are richer for its benefits it creates happiness in the home fosters good will in the business and is the counter sign of friends it is rest to the weary daylight to the discouraged sunshine to the sad and nature's best antidote for trouble yet it cannot be bought begged borrowed or stolen for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody until it is given away and if in the last minute rush of christmas buying some of our salespeople should be too tired to give you a smile may we ask you to leave one of yours for nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give principle 2 smile chapter 3 if you don't do this you are headed for trouble back in 1898 a tragic thing happened in rockland county new york a child had died and on this particular day the neighbors were preparing to go to the funeral jim farley went out to the barn to hitch up his horse the ground was covered with snow the air was cold and snappy the horse hadn't been exercised for days and as he was led out to the watering trough he wheeled playfully kicked both his heels high in the air and killed jim farley so the little village of stony point had two funerals that week instead of one jim farley left behind him a widow and three boys and a few hundred dollars in insurance his oldest boy jim was ten and he went to work in a brickyard wheeling sand and pouring it in the molds and turning the bricks on edge to be dried by the sun this boy jim never had a chance to get much education but with his natural geniality he had a flare for making people like him so he went into politics and as the years went by he developed an uncanny ability for remembering people's names he never saw the inside of a high school but before he was 46 years of age four colleges had honored him with degrees and he'd become chairman of the democratic national committee and postmaster general of the united states i once interviewed jim farley and asked him the secret of his success he said hard work i said don't be funny he then asked me what i thought was the reason for his success i replied i understand you can call 10 000 people by their first names no you're wrong he said i can call 50 000 people by their first names make no mistake about it that ability helped mr farley put franklin d roosevelt in the white house when he managed roosevelt's campaign in 1932. during the years that jim farley traveled as a salesman for a gypsum concern and during the years that he held office as town clerk in stony point he built up a system for remembering names in the beginning it was a very simple one whenever he met a new acquaintance he found out his or her complete name and some facts about his or her family business and political opinions he fixed all these facts well in mind as part of the picture and then the next time he met that person even if it was a year later he was able to shake hands inquire after the family and ask about the hollyhocks in the backyard no wonder he developed the following for months before roosevelt's campaign for president began jim farley wrote hundreds of letters a day to people all over the western and northwestern states then he hopped onto a train and in 19 days covered 20 states and 12 000 miles traveling by buggy train automobile and boat he would drop into town meet his people at lunch or breakfast tea or dinner and give them a heart-to-heart talk then he'd dash off again on another leg of his journey as soon as he arrived back east he wrote to one person in each town he had visited asking for a list of all the guests to whom he had talked the final list contained thousands and thousands of names yet each person on that list was paid the subtle flattery of getting a personal letter from james farley these letters began dear bill or dear jane and they were always signed jim jim farley discovered early in life that the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together remember that name and call it easily and you've paid a subtle and very effective compliment but forget it or misspell it and you've placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage for example i once organized a public speaking course in paris and sent form letters to all the american residents in the city french typists with apparently little knowledge of english filled in the names and naturally they made blunders one man the manager of large american bank in paris wrote me a scathing rebuke because his name had been misspelled sometimes it's difficult to remember a name particularly if it's hard to pronounce rather than even try to learn it many people ignore it or call the person by an easy nickname sid levy once called on a customer for some time whose name was nicodemus papadulas most people just called him nick levy told us i made a special effort to say his name over several times to myself before i made a call when i greeted him by his full name good afternoon mr nicodemus papadules he was shocked for what seemed like several minutes there was no reply from him at all finally he said with tears rolling down his cheeks mr levy in all the 15 years i have been in this country nobody has ever made the effort to call me by my right name and what was the reason for andrew carnegie's success he was called the steel king yet he himself knew little about the manufacture of steel he had hundreds of people working for him who knew far more about steel than he did but he knew how to handle people and that is what made him rich early in life he showed a flare for organization a genius for leadership by the time he was 10 he too had discovered the astounding importance people place on their own name and he used that discovery to win cooperation to illustrate when he was a boy back in scotland he got a hold of a rabbit a mother rabbit presto he soon had a whole nest of little rabbits and nothing to feed them but he had a brilliant idea he told the boys and girls in the neighborhood that if they would go out and pull enough clover and dandelions to feed the rabbits he would name the bunnies in their honor the plan worked like magic and carnegie never forgot it years later he made millions by using the same psychology and business for example he wanted to sell steel rails to the pennsylvania railroad j edgar thompson was the president of the pennsylvania railroad then so andrew carnegie built a huge steel mill in pittsburgh and called it the edgar thompson steel works here's a riddle see if you can guess it when the pennsylvania railroad needed steel rails where do you suppose jay edgar thompson bought them from sears roebuck no no you're wrong guess again when andrew carnegie and george pullman were battling each other for supremacy in the railroad sleeping car business the steel king again remembered the lesson of the rabbits the central transportation company which andrew carnegie controlled was fighting with the company that pullman owned both were struggling to get the sleeping car business of the union pacific railroad bucking each other slashing prices and destroying all chants of profit both carnegie and pullman had gone to new york to see the board of directors of the union pacific meeting one evening in the saint nicholas hotel carnegie said good evening mr pullman aren't we making a couple of fools of ourselves what do you mean pullman demanded and then carnegie expressed what he had on his mind a merger of their two interests he pictured in glowing terms the mutual advantages of working with instead of against each other pullman listened attentively but he was not wholly convinced finally he asked what would you call the new company and carnegie replied promptly why the pullman palace car company of course pullman's face brightened come into my room he said let's talk it over and that talk made industrial history this policy of remembering and honoring the names of his friends and business associates was one of the secrets of andrew carnegie's leadership he was proud of the fact that he could call many of his factory workers by their first names and he boasted that while he was personally in charge no strike ever disturbed his flaming steel mills benton love chairman of texas commerce bank shares believes that the bigger a corporation gets the colder it becomes one way to warm it up he said is to remember people's names the executive who tells me he can't remember names is at the same time telling me he can't remember a significant part of his business and is operating on quicksand karen kirsch of rancho palos verdes california a flight attendant for twa made it a practice to learn the names of as many passengers in her cabin as possible and use the name when serving them this resulted in many compliments in her service expressed both to her directly and to the airline one passenger wrote i haven't flown twa for some time but i'm going to start flying nothing but twa from now on you make me feel that your airline has become a very personalized airline and that's important to me people are so proud of their names that they strive to perpetuate them at any cost even blustering hard-boiled old pt barnum the greatest showman of his time disappointed because he had no sons to carry on his name offered his grandson c.h celie 25 000 if he would call himself barnum seely for many centuries nobles and magnets supported artists musicians and authors so that their creative works would be dedicated to them libraries and museums owe their richest collections to people who cannot bear to think that their names might perish from the memory of the race the new york public library has its aster and lennox collections the metropolitan museum perpetuates the name of benjamin altman and jp morgan and nearly every church is beautified by stained glass windows commemorating the names of their donors many of the buildings on the campuses of most universities bear the names of donors who contributed large sums of money for this honor most people don't remember names for the simple reason that they don't take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds they make excuses for themselves they're too busy but they were probably no busier than franklin d roosevelt and he took time to remember and recall even the names of mechanics with whom he came into contact to illustrate the chrysler organization built a special car for mr roosevelt who could not use a standard car because his legs were paralyzed wf chamberlain and a mechanic delivered it to the white house i have in front of me a letter from mr chamberlain relating his experiences i taught president roosevelt how to handle a car with a lot of unusual gadgets but he taught me a lot about the fine art of handling people when i called at the white house mr chamberlain writes the president was extremely pleasant and cheerful he called me by name made me feel very comfortable and particularly impressed me with the fact that he was vitally interested in the things i had to show him and tell him the car was so designed that it could be operated entirely by hand a crowd gathered round to look at the car and he remarked i think it's marvelous all you have to do is touch a button and it moves away and you can drive it without effort i think it's grand i don't know what makes it go i'd love to have the time to tear it down and see how it works when mr roosevelt's friends and associates admired the machine he said in their presence mr chamberlain i certainly appreciate all the time and effort you've spent in developing this car it's a mighty fine job he admired the radiator the special rear vision mirror and clock the special spotlight the kind of upholstery the sitting position of the driver's seat the special suitcases in the trunk with his monogram on each suitcase in other words he took notice of every detail to which he knew i had given considerable thought he made a point of bringing these various pieces of equipment to the attention of mrs roosevelt miss perkins the secretary of labor and his secretary he even brought the old white house porter into the picture by saying george you want to take particularly good care of these suitcases when the driving lesson was finished the president turned to me and he said well mr chamberlain i've been keeping the federal reserve board waiting 30 minutes i guess i had better get back to work i took a mechanic with me to the white house he was introduced to roosevelt when he first arrived he didn't talk to the president and roosevelt heard his name only once he was a shy chap and he kept in the background but before leaving us the president looked for the mechanic shook his hand called him by name and thanked him for coming to washington and there was nothing perfunctory about his thanks he met what he said i could feel that a few days after returning to new york i got an autographed photograph of president roosevelt and a little note of thanks again expressing his appreciation for my assistance how he found time to do it is a mystery to me franklin d roosevelt knew that one of the simplest most obvious and most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering names and making people feel important yet how many of us do it half the time we are introduced to a stranger we chat for a few minutes and can't even remember his or her name by the time we say goodbye one of the first lessons a politician learns is this to recall a voter's name is statesmanship to forget it is oblivion and the ability to remember names is almost as important in business and social contacts as it is in politics napoleon iii emperor of france and nephew of the great napoleon boasted that in spite of all his royal duties he could remember the name of every person he met his technique simple if he didn't hear the name distinctly he said so sorry i didn't get the name clearly and then if it was an unusual name he would say how is it spelled during the conversation he took the trouble to repeat the name several times and tried to associate it in his mind with the person's features expression and general appearance if the person was someone of importance napoleon went to even further pains as soon as his royal highness was alone he wrote the name down on a piece of paper looked at it concentrated on it fixed it securely in his mind then he tore up the paper in this way he gained an eye impression of the name as well as an ear impression all this takes time but good manners said emerson are made up of petty sacrifices the importance of remembering and using names is not just the prerogative of kings and corporate executives it works for all of us ken nottingham an employee of general motors in indiana usually had lunch at the company cafeteria he noticed that the woman who worked behind the counter always had a skull on her face she had been making sandwiches for about two hours and i was just another sandwich to her i told her what i wanted she weighed out the ham on a little scale and then she gave me one leaf of lettuce a few potato chips and handed them to me the next day i went through the same line same woman same skull the only difference was i noticed her name tag i smiled i said hello eunice then i told her what i wanted well she forgot the scale piled on the ham gave me three leaves of lettuce and heaped on the potato chips until they fell off the plate we should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize this single item is holy and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing and nobody else the name sets the individual apart it makes him or her unique among all others the information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual from the waitress to the senior executive the name will work magic as we deal with others principle 3 remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language chapter 4 an easy way to become a good conversationalist some time ago i attended a bridge party i don't play bridge and there was a woman there who didn't play bridge either and she discovered that i had once been lowell thomas's manager before he went on the radio and that i'd traveled in europe a great deal while helping him prepare the illustrated travel talks he was then delivering so she said oh mr carnegie i do want you to tell me about all the wonderful places you've visited and the sites you've seen as we sat down on the sofa she remarked that she and her husband had recently returned from a trip to africa africa i exclaimed how interesting i've always wanted to see africa but i never got there except for a 24-hour stay once in algiers tell me did you visit the big game country yes how fortunate i envy you do tell me about africa and that kept her talking for 45 minutes she never again asked me where i had been or what i'd seen she didn't want to hear me talk about my travels all she wanted was an interested listener so she could expand her ego and tell about where she had been was she unusual no many people are like that for example i met a distinguished botanist at a dinner party given by a new york book publisher i'd never talked with a botanist before and i found him fascinating i literally sat on the edge of my chair and listened while he spoke of exotic plants and experiments in developing new forms of plant life and indoor gardens and even told me astonishing facts about the humble potato i had a small indoor garden of my own and he was good enough to tell me how to solve some of my problems as i said we were at a dinner party there must have been a dozen other guests but i violated all of the canons of courtesy ignored everyone else and talked for hours to the botanist midnight came i said good night to everyone and departed the botanist then turned to our host and paid me several flattering compliments i was most stimulating i was this and i was that and he ended by saying i was a most interesting conversationalist an interesting conversationalist why i had said hardly anything at all i couldn't have said anything if i'd wanted to without changing the subject for i didn't know any more about botany than i knew about the anatomy of a penguin but i had done this i had listened intently i had listened because i was genuinely interested and he felt it naturally that pleased him that kind of listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone few human beings wrote jack woodford in strangers in love few human beings are proof against the implied flattery of wrapped attention i went even further than giving him wrapped attention i was hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise i told him that i had been immensely entertained and instructed and i had i told him i wished i had his knowledge and i did i told him that i should love to wander the fields with him and i have i told him i must see him again and i did and so i had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when in reality i had been merely a good listener and had encouraged him to talk what is the secret the mystery of a successful business interview well according to former harvard president charles w elliott there is no mystery about successful business intercourse exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important nothing else is so flattering as that elliott himself was a past master of the art of listening henry james one of america's first great novelists recalled dr elliot's listening was not mere silence but a form of activity sitting very erect on the end of his spine with hands joined in his lap making no movement except that he revolved his thumbs around each other faster or slower he faced his interlocutor and seemed to be hearing with his eyes as well as his ears he listened with his mind and attentively considered what you had to say while you said it at the end of an interview the person who had talked to him felt that he had had his say self-evident isn't it you don't have to study for four years at harvard to discover that yet i know and you know department store owners who will rent expensive space buy their goods economically dress their windows appealingly spend thousands of dollars in advertising and then hire clerks who haven't the sense to be good listeners clerks who interrupt customers contradict them irritate them and all but drive them from the store a department store in chicago almost lost a regular customer who spent several thousand dollars each year in that store because a sales clerk wouldn't listen mrs henrietta douglas who took our course in chicago had purchased a coat at a special sale after she brought it home she noticed that there was a tear in the lining she came back the next day and asked the sales clerk to exchange it the clerk refused even to listen to her complaint you bought this at a special sale she said she pointed to a sign on the wall read that she explained all sales are final once you bought it you have to keep it sew up the lining yourself but this was damaged merchandise mrs douglas complained makes no difference the clerk interrupted finals final mrs douglas was about to walk out indignantly swearing never to return to that store ever when she was greeted by the department manager who knew her from her many years of patronage mrs douglas told her what had happened the manager listened attentively to the whole story examined the coat and then said a special sales are final so we can dispose of merchandise at the end of the season but this no return policy does not apply to damaged goods we will certainly repair or replace the lining or if you prefer give you your money back what a difference in treatment if that manager had not come along and listened to the customer a long-term patron of that store could have been lost forever listening is just as important in one's home life as in the world of business millie esposito of croton on hudson new york made it her business to listen carefully when one of her children wanted to speak with her one evening she was sitting in the kitchen with her son robert and after a brief discussion of something that was on his mind robert said mom i know that you love me very much mrs esposito was touched and said of course i love you very much did you doubt it and robert responded no but i really know you love me because whenever i want to talk to you about something you stop whatever you're doing and listen to me the chronic kicker even the most violent critic will frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient sympathetic listener a listener who will be silent while the irate fault finder dilates like a king cobra and spews the poison out of his system to illustrate the new york telephone company discovered a few years ago that it had to deal with one of the most vicious customers who ever cursed a customer service representative and he did curse he raved he threatened to tear the phone out by its roots he refused to pay certain charges that he declared were false he wrote letters to the newspapers he filed innumerable complaints with a public service commission and he started several suits against the telephone company at last one of the company's most skillful troubleshooters was sent to interview this stormy petrol this troubleshooter listened and let the cantankerous customer enjoy himself pouring out his tirade the telephone representative listened and said yes and sympathized with his grievance he raved on and i listened for nearly three hours the troubleshooter said as he related his experiences before one of my classes then i went back and listened some more i interviewed him four times and before the fourth visit was over i had become a charter member of an organization he was starting he called it the telephone subscribers protective association i'm still a member of this organization and so far as i know i'm the only member in the world today besides mr smith i listened and sympathized with him on every point that he'd made during these interviews he never had a telephone representative talk with him that way before and he became almost friendly the point on which i went to see him was not even mentioned on the first visit nor was it mentioned on the second or third but upon the fourth interview i closed the case completely he paid all his bills in full and for the first time in the history of his difficulties with the telephone company voluntarily withdrew his complaints from the public service commission a doubtless mr smith had considered himself a holy crusader defending public rights against callous exploitation but in reality what he'd really wanted was a feeling of importance he got this feeling of importance at first by kicking and complaining but as soon as he got his feeling of importance from a representative of the company his imagined grievances vanished into thin air one morning years ago an angry customer stormed into the office of julian f detmer founder of the detmer woolen company which later became the world's largest distributor of woolens to the tailoring trade this man owed us a small sum of money mr detmer explained to me the customer denied it but we knew he was wrong so our credit department had insisted that he pay after getting a number of letters from our credit department he packed his grip made a trip to chicago and hurried into my office to inform me not only that he was not going to pay that bill but that he was never going to buy another dollar's worth of goods from the debtware woolen company i listened patiently to all he had to say i was tempted to interrupt but i realized that would be bad policy so i let him talk himself out when he finally simmered down and got in a receptive mood i said quietly i want to thank you for coming to chicago to tell me about this you've done me a great favor for if our credit department has annoyed you it may annoy other good customers and that would be just too bad believe me i'm far more eager to hear this than you are to tell it that was the last thing in the world he expected me to say i think he was trifle disappointed because he'd come to chicago to tell me a thing or two here i was thanking him instead of scrapping with him i assured him we would wipe the charge off the books and forget it because he was a very careful man with only one account to look after while our clerks had to look after thousands therefore he was less likely to be wrong than we were i told him that i understood exactly how he felt and if i were in his shoes i should undoubtedly feel precisely as he did since he wasn't going to buy from us anymore i recommended some other woolen houses in the past we'd usually lunch together when he came to chicago so i invited him to have lunch with me this day he accepted reluctantly but when we came back to the office he placed a larger order than ever before he returned home in a softened mood and wanting to be just as fair with us as we'd been with him looked over his bills found one that had been mislaid and sent us a check with his apologies later when his wife presented him with a baby boy he gave his son the middle name of detmer and he remained a friend and customer of the house until his death 22 years afterward years ago a poor dutch immigrant boy washed the windows of a bakery shop after school to help support his family his people were so poor that in addition he used to go out in the street with a basket every day and collect stray bits of coal that had fallen in the gutter where the coal wagons had delivered fuel that boy edward bach never got more than six years of schooling in his life yet eventually he made himself one of the most successful magazine editors in the history of american journalism how did he do it that is a long story but how he got his start can be told briefly he got his start by using the principles advocated in this chapter he left school when he was 13 and became an office boy for western union but he didn't for one moment give up the idea of an education instead he started to educate himself he saved his car fares and went without lunch until he had enough money to buy an encyclopedia of american biography and then he did an unheard of thing he read the lives of famous people and wrote them asking for additional information about their childhoods he was a good listener he asked famous people to tell him more about themselves he wrote general james a garfield who was then running for president and asked if it was true that he was once a tow boy on a canal and garfield replied he wrote general grant asking about a certain battle and grant drew a map for him and invited this 14 year old boy to dinner and spent the evening talking to him soon our western union messenger boy was corresponding with many of the most famous people in the nation ralph waldo emerson oliver wendell holmes longfellow mrs abraham lincoln louisa may alcott general sherman and jefferson davis not only did he correspond with these distinguished people but as soon as he got a vacation he visited many of them as a welcome guest in their homes this experience imbued him with a confidence that was invaluable these men and women fired him with a vision and ambition that shaped his life and all this let me repeat was made possible solely by the application of the principles we're discussing here isaac f markusson a journalist who interviewed hundreds of celebrities declared that many people fail to make a favorable impression because they don't listen attentively they have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next they do not keep their ears open very important people have told me they prefer good listeners to good talkers but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait and not only important personages crave a good listener but ordinary folks do too as the reader's digest once said many persons call a doctor when all they want is an audience during the darkest hours of the civil war lincoln wrote to an old friend in springfield illinois asking him to come to washington lincoln said he had some problems he wanted to discuss with him the old neighbor called the white house and lincoln talked to him for hours about the advisability of issuing a proclamation freeing the slaves lincoln went over all the arguments for and against such a move and then read letters and newspaper articles some denouncing him for not freeing the slaves others denouncing him for fear he was going to free them after talking for hours lincoln shook hands with his old neighbor said good night sent him back to illinois without even asking for his opinion lincoln had done all the talking himself that seemed to clarify his mind he seemed to feel easier after that talk the old friend said lincoln hadn't wanted advice he had wanted merely a friendly sympathetic listener to whom he could unburden himself that's what we all want when we're in trouble that is frequently all the irritated customer wants and the dissatisfied employee or the hurt friend one of the great listeners of modern times was sigmund freud a man who met freud described his manner of listening it struck me so forcibly that i shall never forget him he had qualities which i had never seen in any other man never had i seen such concentrated attention there was none of that piercing soul-penetrating gaze business his eyes were mild and genial his voice was low and kind his gestures were few but the attention he gave me his appreciation of what i said even when i said it badly was extraordinary you have no idea what it meant to be listened to like that if you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back and even despise you here's the recipe never listen to anyone for long talk incessantly about yourself if you have an idea while the other person is talking don't wait for him or her to finish burst right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence do you know people like that i do unfortunately and the astonishing part of it is that some of them are prominent boars that is all they are boars intoxicated with their own egos drunk with the sense of their own importance people who talk only of themselves think only of themselves and those people who think only of themselves dr nicholas murray butler long time president of columbia university said are hopelessly uneducated they are not educated said dr butler no matter how instructed they may be so if you aspire to be a good conversationalist be an attentive listener to be interesting be interested ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments remember that the people you're talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems a person's toothache means more to that person than a famine in china which kills a million people a boil on one's neck interests one more than 40 earthquakes in africa think of that the next time you start a conversation principle 4 be a good listener encourage others to talk about themselves chapter five how to interest people everyone who was ever a guest of theodore roosevelt was astonished at the range and diversity of his knowledge whether his visitor was a cowboy or a rough rider a new york politician or a diplomat roosevelt knew what to say and how was it done the answer was simple whenever roosevelt expected a visitor he sat up late the night before reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested for roosevelt new as all leaders know that the royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most the genial william lyon phelps essayist and professor of literature at yale learned this lesson early in life when i was eight years old and was spending a weekend visiting my aunt libby linsley at her home in stratford on the housatonic he wrote in his essay on human nature a middle-aged man called one evening and after a polite skirmish with my aunt he devoted his attention to me at that time i happened to be excited about boats and the visitor discussed the subject in a way that seemed to me particularly interesting after he left i spoke of him with enthusiasm what a man my aunt informed me he was a new york lawyer that he cared nothing whatever about boats that he took not the slightest interest in the subject but why then did he talk all the time about boats because he is a gentleman he saw you were interested in boats and he talked about the things he knew would interest and please you he made himself agreeable and william lyon phelps added i never forgot my aunt's remark as i write this chapter i have before me a letter from edward l chalif who was active in boy scout work one day i found i needed a favor rights mr chalif a big scout jamboree was coming off in europe and i wanted the president of one of the largest corporations in america to pay the expenses of one of my boys for the trip fortunately just before i went down to see this man i heard that he had drawn a check for a million dollars and that after it was cancelled he had it framed so the first thing i did when i entered his office was to ask to see the check a check for a million dollars i told him i never knew that anybody had ever written such a check and that i wanted to tell my boys i'd actually seen a check for a million dollars he gladly showed it to me i admired it and asked him to tell me all about how it happened to be drawn you notice don't you that mr challet didn't begin by talking about the boy scouts or the jamboree in europe or what it was he wanted he talked in terms of what interested the other man and here's the result presently the man i was interviewing said oh by the way what was it you wanted to see me about so i told him to my vast surprise mr chalice continues he not only granted immediately what i asked for but much more i'd asked him to send only one boy to europe but he sent five boys and myself gave me a letter of credit for a thousand dollars and told us to stay in europe for seven weeks he also gave me letters of introduction to his branch presidents putting them at our service and he himself met us in paris and showed us the town since then he's given jobs to some of the boys whose parents were in want and he's still active in our group yet i know if i hadn't found out what he was interested in and got him warmed up first i wouldn't have found him one tenth that's easy to approach [Music] is this a valuable technique to use in business is it let's see take henry g duvernoy of dupernoy and sons a wholesale baking firm in new york mr duvernoy had been trying to sell bread to a certain new york hotel he'd called on the manager every week for four years he went to the same social affairs the manager attended he even took rooms in the hotel and lived there in order to get the business but he failed then said mr duvernoy after studying human relations i resolved to change my tactics i decided to find out what interested this man what caught his enthusiasm i discovered he belonged to a society of hotel executives called the hotel greeters of america he not only belonged but his bubbling enthusiasm had made him president of the organization and president of the international greeters no matter where its conventions were held he would be there so when i saw him the next day i began talking about the greeters what a response i got what a response he talked to me for half an hour about the greeters his tones vibrant with enthusiasm i could plainly see that this society was not only his hobby it was the passion of his life before i left his office he had sold me a membership in his organization in the meantime i'd said nothing about bread but a few days later a steward of his hotel phoned me to come over with samples and prices i don't know what you did to the old boy the steward greeted me but he sure is sold on you think of it i'd been drumming at that man for four years trying to get his business and i'd still be drumming at him if i hadn't finally taken the trouble to find out what he was interested in and what he enjoyed talking about edward e harriman of hagerstown maryland chose to live in the beautiful cumberland valley of maryland after he completed his military service unfortunately at that time there were a few jobs available in the area a little research uncovered the fact that a number of companies in the area were either owned or controlled by an unusual business maverick r j funkhouser whose rise from poverty to riches intrigued mr harriman however he was known for being inaccessible to job seekers mr harriman wrote i interviewed a number of people and found out that his major interest was anchored in his drive for power and money since he protected himself from people like me by use of a dedicated and stern secretary i studied her interests and goals and only then i paid an unannounced visit at her office she had been mr funkhouser's orbiting satellite for about 15 years when i told her i had a proposition for him which might translate itself into financial and political success for him she became enthused i also conversed with her about her constructive participation in his success after this conversation she arranged for me to meet mr funkhouser i entered his huge and impressive office determined not to ask directly for a job he was seated behind a large carved desk and thundered at me how about it young man i said mr funkhouser i believe i can make money for you he immediately rose and invited me to sit in one of the large upholstered chairs i enumerated my ideas and the qualifications i had to realize these ideas as well as how they would contribute to his personal success and that of his businesses rj as he has become known to me hired me at once and for over 20 years i have grown in his enterprises and we both have prospered talking in terms of the other person's interests pays off for both parties howard z herzig a leader in the field of employee communications has always followed this principle when asked what reward he got from it mr herzig responded that he not only received a different reward from each person but that in general the reward had been an enlargement of his life each time he spoke to someone principle five talk in terms of the other person's interests chapter 6 how to make people like you instantly i was waiting in line to register a letter at the post office at 33rd street and 8th avenue in new york i noticed that the clerk appeared to be bored with the job weighing envelopes handing out stamps making change issuing receipts the same monotonous grind year after year so i said to myself i'm going to try to make that clerk like me obviously to make him like me i must say something nice and not about myself but about him so i ask myself what is there about him that i can honestly admire that is sometimes a hard question to answer especially with strangers but in this case it happened to be easy i instantly saw something i admired no end so while he was weighing my envelope i remarked with enthusiasm i certainly wish i had your head of hair he looked up half startled his face beaming with smiles well it isn't as good as it used to be he said modestly i assured him that although it might have lost some of its pristine glory nevertheless it was still magnificent he was immensely pleased we carried on a pleasant little conversation and the last thing he said to me was many people have admired my hair i'll bet that person went out to lunch that day walking on air i'll bet he went home that night and told his wife about it i'll bet he looked in the mirror and said it is a beautiful head of hair i told this story once in public and the man asked me afterward what did you want to get out of him what was i trying to get out of him what was i trying to get out of him if we are so contemptibly selfish that we can't radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve oh yes i did want something out of that chap i wanted something priceless and i got it i got the feeling that i had done something for him without his being able to do anything whatever in return for me that's a feeling that flows and sings in your memory long after the incident is passed there's one all-important law of human conduct if we obey that law we shall almost never get into trouble in fact that law if obeyed will bring us countless friends and constant happiness but the very instant we break the law we shall get into endless trouble the law is this always make the other person feel important john dewey as we have already noted said that the desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature and william james said the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated as i have already pointed out it is this urge that differentiates us from the animals it is this urge that has been responsible for civilization itself philosophers have been speculating on the rules of human relationships for thousands of years and out of all that speculation there has evolved only one important precept it is not new it is as old as history zoroaster taught it to his followers in persia 2500 years ago confucius preached it in china 24 centuries ago loud say the founder of taoism taught it to his disciples in the valley of the han buddha preached it on the bank of the holy ganges 500 years before christ the sacred books of hinduism taught it a thousand years before that jesus taught it among the stony hills of judea 19 centuries ago jesus summed it up in one thought probably the most important rule in the world do unto others as you would have others do unto you you want the approval of those with whom you come in contact you want recognition of your true worth you want a feeling that you are important in your little world you don't want to listen to cheap insincere flattery but you do crave sincere appreciation you want your friends and associates to be as charles schwab put it hearty in their approbation and lavish in their praise all of us want that so let's obey the golden rule and give unto others what we would have others give unto us how when where the answer is all the time everywhere david g smith of eau claire wisconsin told one of our classes how he handled a delicate situation when he was asked to take charge of the refreshment booth at a charity concert the night of the concert i arrived at the park and found two elderly ladies in a very bad humor standing next to the refreshment stand apparently each thought that she was in charge of this project as i stood there pondering what to do one of the members of the sponsoring committee appeared and handed me a cash box and thanked me for taking over the project she introduced rose and jane as my helpers and then ran off a great silence ensued realizing that the cash box was a symbol of authority of sorts i gave the box to rose and explained that i might not be able to keep the money straight and if she took care of it i'd feel better i then suggested to jane that she showed two teenagers who'd been assigned to refreshments how to operate the soda machine and i asked her to be responsible for that part of the project the evening was very enjoyable with rose happily counting the money jane supervising the teenagers and me enjoying the concert you don't have to wait until your ambassador to france or chairman of the clambake committee of your lodge before you use this philosophy of appreciation you can work magic with it almost every day if for example the waitress brings us mashed potatoes when we have ordered french fries let's say i'm sorry to trouble you but i prefer french fried she'll probably reply no trouble at all and will be glad to change the potatoes because we have shown respect for her little phrases such as i'm sorry to trouble you would you be so kind i won't you please or would you mind thank you little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life and incidentally they're the hallmarks of good breeding let's take another illustration hall keynes novels the christian the deemster the manxman among them were all bestsellers in the early part of this century millions of people read his novels countless millions he was the son of a blacksmith he never had more than eight years of schooling in his life yet when he died he was the richest literary man of his time the story goes like this hulk cain loved sonnets and ballads so he devoured all of dante gabriel rosetti's poetry he even wrote a lecture chanting the praises of rossetti's artistic achievement and sent a copy to rosetti himself rosetti was delighted any young man who has such an exalted opinion of my ability rosetti probably said to himself must be brilliant so rosetti invited this blacksmith's son to come to london and act as his secretary that was the turning point in hal kane's life for in his new position he met the literary artists of the day profiting by their advice and inspired by their encouragement he launched upon a career that emblazoned his name across the sky his home griba castle on the isle of man became a mecca for tourists from the far corners of the world and he left a multi-million dollar estate yet who knows he might have died poor and unknown had he not written an essay expressing his admiration for a famous man such is the power the stupendous power of sincere heartfelt appreciation rosetti considered himself important that is not strange almost everyone considers himself important very important the life of many a person could probably be changed if only someone would make him feel important ronald j rowland who is one of the instructors of our course in california is also a teacher of arts and crafts he wrote to us about a student named chris in his beginning crafts class chris was a very quiet shy boy lacking in self-confidence the kind of student that often does not receive the attention he deserves i also teach an advanced class that had grown to be somewhat of a status symbol and a privilege for a student to have earned the right to be in it on wednesday chris was diligently working at his desk i really felt there was a hidden fire deep inside him i asked chris if he'd like to be in the advanced class how i wish i could express the look in chris's face the emotions in that shy 14 year old boy trying to hold back his tears who me mr roland am i good enough yes chris you're good enough i had to leave at that point because tears were coming to my eyes as chris walked out of the class that day seemingly two inches taller he looked at me with bright blue eyes and said in the positive voice thank you mr roland chris taught me a lesson i will never forget our deep desire to feel important to help me never forget this rule i made a sign which reads you are important this sign hangs in the front of the classroom for all to see and to remind me that each student i face is equally important the unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance and recognize it sincerely remember what emerson said every man i meet is my superior in some way in that i learn of him and the pathetic part of it is that frequently those who have the least justification for a feeling of achievement bolster up their egos by a show of tumult and conceit which is truly nauseating as shakespeare put it man proud man dressed in a little brief authority plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven as make the angels weep i'm going to tell you how business people in my own courses have applied these principles with remarkable results let's take the case of a connecticut attorney because of his relatives he prefers not to have his name mentioned shortly after joining the course mr r drove to long island with his wife to visit some of her relatives she left him to chat with an old aunt of hers and then rushed off by herself to visit some of the younger relatives since he soon had to give a speech professionally on how he applied the principles of appreciation he thought he would gain some worthwhile experience talking with the elderly lady so he looked around the house to see what he could honestly admire this house was built about 1890 wasn't it he inquired yes she replied that's precisely the year it was built it reminds me of the house i was born in he said it's beautiful well-built roomy you know they don't build houses like this anymore you're right the old lady agreed the young folks nowadays don't care for beautiful homes all they want is a small apartment and then they go off getting about on their automobiles this is a dream house she said in a voice vibrating with tender memories this house was built with love my husband and i dreamed about it for years before we built it we didn't have an architect we planned it all ourselves she showed mr r about the house and he expressed his hearty admiration for the beautiful treasures she'd picked up in her travels and cherished over a lifetime paisley shawls an old english tea set wedgwood china french beds and chairs italian paintings and silk draperies that had once hung in a french chateau after showing mr r through the house she took him out to the garage there jacked up on blocks was a packard car in mint condition my husband bought that car for me shortly before he passed on she said softly i have never ridden in it since his death you appreciate nice things and i'm going to give this car to you why aren't he he said you overwhelmed me i appreciate your generosity of course but i couldn't possibly accept it i'm not even a relative of yours i have a new car and you have many relatives that would like to have that packard relatives she exclaimed yes i had relatives who were just waiting till i die so they can get that car but they are not going to get it if you don't want to give it to them you could very easily sell it to a secondhand dealer he told her sell it she cried do you think i would sell this car do you think i could stand to see strangers riding up and down the street in that car that car that my husband bought for me i wouldn't dream of selling it i'm going to give it to you you appreciate beautiful things he tried to get out of accepting the car but he couldn't without hurting her feelings this lady left all alone in the big house with her paisley shawls her french antiques and her memories was starving for a little recognition she had once been young and beautiful and sought after she had once built a house warm with love and had collected things from all over europe to make it beautiful now in the isolated loneliness of old age she craved a little human warmth a little genuine appreciation and no one gave it to her and when she found it like a spring in a desert her gratitude couldn't adequately express itself with anything less than the gift of her cherished packard let's take another case donald m mcmahon who was superintendent of lewis and valentine nurserymen and landscape architects in rye new york related this incident shortly after i attended the talk on how to win friends and influence people i was landscaping the estate of a famous attorney the owner came out to give me a few instructions about where he wished to plant a massive rhododendrons and azaleas i said judge you have a lovely hobby i've been admiring your beautiful dogs i understand you win a lot of blue ribbons every year at the show or madison square garden and the effect of this little expression of appreciation was striking yes the judge replied i do have a lot of fun with my dogs would you like to see my kennel he spent almost an hour showing me his dogs and the prizes they'd won he even brought out their pedigrees and explained about the bloodlines responsible for such beauty and intelligence finally turning to me he asked do you have any small children well yes i do i replied i have a son well wouldn't he like a puppy the judge inquired well yes he'd be tickled pink all right i'm going to give him one the judge announced he started to tell me how to feed the puppy and then he paused you'll forget if i tell you i'll write it out so the judge went in the house typed out the pedigree and feeding instructions and gave me a puppy worth several hundred dollars and an hour and 15 minutes of his valuable time largely because i'd expressed my honest admiration for his hobby and achievements george eastman of kodak fame invented the transparent film that made motion pictures possible amassed a fortune of a hundred million dollars and made himself one of the most famous businessmen on earth yet in spite of all these tremendous accomplishments he craved little recognitions even as you and i to illustrate when eastman was building the eastman school of music and also kilbourne hall in rochester james adamson then president of the superior seating company of new york wanted to get the order to supply the theater chairs for these buildings phoning the architect mr adamson made an appointment to see mr eastman in rochester when adamson arrived the architect said i know you want to get this order but i can tell you right now that you won't stand a ghost of a show if you take more than five minutes of george eastman's time he's a strict disciplinary and he's very busy so tell your story quickly and get out adamson was prepared to do just that and when he was ushered into the room he saw mr eastman bending over a pile of papers at his desk presently mr eastman looked up removed his glasses and walked toward the architect and mr adamson saying good morning gentlemen what can i do for you and the architect introduced them and then mr adamson said while we've been waiting for you mr eastman i've been admiring your office i wouldn't mind working in a room like this myself i'm in the interior woodworking business and i never saw a more beautiful office in all my life and george eastman replied you remind me of something i had almost forgotten it is beautiful isn't it i enjoyed it a great deal when it was first built but i come down here now with a lot of other things on my mind and sometimes don't even see the room for weeks at a time adamson walked over and rubbed his hand across a panel and this is english oak isn't it a little different texture from italian oak yes he's been replied imported english oak it was selected for me by friend who specializes in fine woods and then eastman showed him about the room commenting on the proportions the coloring the hand carving and other effects he'd helped to plan and execute while drifting about the room admiring the woodwork they paused before a window and george eastman in his modest soft-spoken way pointed out some of the institutions through which he was trying to help humanity the university of rochester the general hospital the homeopathic hospital the friendly home the children's hospital mr adamson congratulated him warmly on the idealistic way he was using his wealth to alleviate the sufferings of humanity presently george eastman unlocked a glass case and pulled out the first camera he had ever owned an invention he had bought from an englishman adamson questioned him at length about his early struggles to get started in business mr eastman spoke with real feeling about the poverty of his childhood telling how his widowed mother had kept a boarding house while he clerked in an insurance office the terror of poverty haunted him day and night and he resolved to make enough money so that his mother wouldn't have to work mr adamson drew him out with further questions and listened absorbed while he related the story of his experiments with dry photographic plates he told how he had worked in an office all day and sometimes experimented all night taking only brief naps while the chemicals were working sometimes working and sleeping in his clothes for 72 hours at a stretch james adamson had been ushered into eastman's office at 10 15 and had been warned that he must not take more than five minutes but an hour had passed and then two hours passed and they were still talking finally george eastman turned to adamson and said the last time i was in japan i bought some chairs brought them home and put them on my sun porch but the sun peeled the paint so i went downtown the other day and bought some paint and painted the chairs myself wouldn't you like to see what sort of a job i can do painting chairs all right come up to my home and have lunch with me and i'll show you the order for the seats amounted to 90 000. who do you suppose got the order james adamson or one of his competitors from the time of this story until mr eastman's death he and james adamson were close friends claude murray a restaurant owner in ruan france used this principle and saved his restaurant the loss of a key employee this woman had been in his employ for five years and was a vital link between monsieur murray and his staff of 21 people he was shocked to receive a registered letter from her advising him of her resignation monsieur murray reported i was very surprised and even more disappointed because i was under the impression that i had been fair to her and receptive to her needs inasmuch as she was a friend as well as an employee i probably had taken her too much for granted and maybe was even more demanding of her than of other employees i could not of course accept this resignation without some explanation i took her aside and said paulette you must understand that i cannot accept your resignation you mean a great deal to me and to this company and you are as important to the success of this restaurant as i am i repeated this in front of the entire staff and invited her to my home and reiterated my confidence in her with my family present paulette withdrew her resignation and today i can rely on her as never before i frequently reinforce this by expressing my appreciation for what she does and showing her how important she is to me and to the restaurant talk to people about themselves said israeli one of the shrewdest men who ever ruled the british empire talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours principle six make the other person feel important and do it sincerely in a nutshell six ways to make people like you principle one become genuinely interested in other people principle 2 smile principle 3 remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language principle 4 be a good listener encourage others to talk about themselves principle five talk in terms of the other person's interests principle six make the other person feel important and do it sincerely [Music] [Applause] [Music] part three how to win people to your way of thinking chapter one you can't win an argument shortly after the close of world war one i learned an invaluable lesson one night in london i was manager at the time for sir ross smith during the war sir ross had been the australian ace out in palestine and shortly after peace was declared he astonished the world by flying halfway around it in 30 days no such feat had ever been attempted before it created a tremendous sensation the australian government awarded him fifty thousand dollars the king of england knighted him and for a while he was the most talked about man under the union jack i was attending a banquet one night given in sir ross's honor and during the dinner the man sitting next to me told a humorous story which hinged on the quotation there's a divinity that shapes our ends rough hew them how we will and the rack on tour mentioned that the quotation was from the bible he was wrong i knew that i knew it positively there couldn't be the slightest doubt about it and so to get a feeling of importance and display my superiority i appointed myself an unsolicited and unwelcome committee of one to correct him he stuck to his guns what from shakespeare impossible absurd that quotation was from the bible and he knew it the storyteller was sitting on my right and frank gammond an old friend of mine was seated at my left mr gammond had devoted years to the study of shakespeare so the storyteller and i agreed to submit the question to mr gammond mr gammond listened he kicked me under the table and then said dale you're wrong the gentleman is right it is from the bible on our way home that night i said to mr gammond frank you know that quotation was from shakespeare yes of course he replied hamlet act 5 scene 2 but we were guests at a festive occasion my dear dale why prove to a man that he is wrong is that going to make him like you why not let him save his face he didn't ask for your opinion he didn't want it why argue with him always avoid the acute angle the man who said that taught me a lesson i'll never forget i'd not only made the storyteller uncomfortable but it put my friend in an embarrassing situation how much better it would have been had i not become argumentative it was a sorely needed lesson because i had been an inveterate arguer during my youth i'd argued with my brother about everything under the milky way when i went to college i studied logic and argumentation and went in for debating contests talk about being from missouri i was born there i had to be shown later i taught debating and argumentation in new york and once i'm ashamed to admit i plan to write a book on the subject since then i have listened to engaged in and watched the effects of thousands of arguments as a result of all this i've come to the conclusion that there's only one way under a high heaven to get the best of an argument and that is to avoid it avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes nine times out of ten an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right you can't win an argument you can't because if you lose it you lose it and if you win it you lose it why well suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non-compos mentos then what you will feel fine but what about him you've made him feel inferior you've hurt his pride he will resent your triumph and a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still years ago patrick j o'hare joined one of my classes he had had little education and how he loved a scrap he had once been a chauffeur and he came to me because he had been trying without much success to sell trucks a little questioning brought out the fact that he was continually scrapping with and antagonizing the very people he was trying to do business with if a prospect said anything derogatory about the trucks he was selling pat saw red and was right at the customer's throat pat won a lot of arguments in those days as he said to me afterward i often walked out of an office saying i told that bird something sure i'd told him something but i hadn't sold him anything my first problem was not to teach patrick j o'hare to talk my immediate task was to train him to refrain from talking and to avoid verbal fights mr o'hare became one of the star salesmen for the white motor company in new york how did he do it now here's his story in his own words if i walk into a buyer's office now and he says what a white truck they're no good i wouldn't take one if he gave it to me i'm going to buy the hoosier truck i say the who's it's a good truck if you buy the who's it you'll never make a mistake the hoozits are made by a fine company and sold by good people he's speechless then there's no room for argument if he says the who's it's the best and i say sure it is he has to stop he can't keep on all afternoon saying it's the best when i'm agreeing with him we then get off the subject of the who's it and i begin to talk about the good points of the white trunk there was a time when a remark like his first one would have made me see scarlet and red and orange i'd start arguing against the who's it and the more i argued against it the more my prospect argued in favor of it the more he argued the more he sold himself on my competitor's product as i look back now i wonder how i was ever able to sell anything i lost years of my life in scrapping and arguing i keep my mouth shut now it pays as wise old ben franklin used to say if you argue and wrankle and contradict you may achieve a victory sometimes but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponents good will so figure it out for yourself which would you rather have an academic theatrical victory or a person's good will you can seldom have both the boston transcript once printed this bit of significant doggerel here lies the body of william j who died maintaining his right of way he was right dead right as he sped along but he's just as dead as if he were wrong you may be right dead right as you speed along in your argument but as far as changing another's mind is concerned you will probably be just as futile as if you were wrong frederick s parsons an income tax consultant had been disputing and wrangling for an hour with a government tax inspector an item of nine thousand dollars was at stake mr parsons claimed that this nine thousand dollars was in reality a bad debt that it would never be collected that it ought not to be taxed bad debt my eye retorted the inspector it must be taxed this inspector was cold arrogant and stubborn mr parsons said as he told the story of the class reason was wasted and so are facts the longer we argued the more stubborn he became so i decided to avoid argument change the subject and give him appreciation i said i suppose this is a very petty matter in comparison with the really important and difficult decisions you're required to make i've made a study of taxation myself but i've had to get my knowledge from books you're getting yours from the firing line of experience i sometimes wish i had a job like yours it would teach me a lot and i meant every word i said well the inspector straightened up in his chair leaned back and talked for a long time about his work telling me of the clever frauds he'd uncovered his tone gradually became friendly and presently he was telling me about his children as he left he advised me that he would consider my problem further and give me his decision in a few days he called at my office three days later and informed me that he had decided to leave the tax return exactly as it was filed and this tax inspector was demonstrating one of the most common of human frailties he wanted a feeling of importance and as long as mr parsons argued with him he got his feeling of importance by loudly asserting his authority but as soon as his importance was admitted and the argument stopped and he was permitted to expand his ego he became a sympathetic and kindly human being buddha said hatred is never ended by hatred but by love and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact diplomacy conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person's viewpoint lincoln once reprimanded a young army officer for indulging in a violent controversy with an associate no man who is resolved to make the most of himself said lincoln can spare time for personal contention still less can he afford to take the consequences including the vitiation of his temper and the loss of self-control yield larger things to which you show no more than equal rights and yield lesser ones though clearly your own better give our path to a dog than be bitten by him in contesting for the right even killing the dog would not cure the bite in an article in bits and pieces some suggestions are made on how to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument welcome the disagreement remember the slogan when two partners always agree one of them is not necessary if there is some point you haven't thought about be thankful if it is brought to your attention perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake distrust your first instinctive impression our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive be careful keep calm and watch out for your first reaction it may be you at your worst not your best control your temper remember you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry listen first give your opponents a chance to talk let them finish do not resist defend or debate this only raises barriers try to build bridges of understanding don't build higher barriers of misunderstanding look for areas of agreement when you have heard your opponents out dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree be honest look for areas where you can admit error and say so apologize for your mistakes it will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness promise to think over your opponent's ideas and study them carefully and mean it your opponents may be right it is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say we tried to tell you but you wouldn't listen thank your opponents sincerely for their interest anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are think of them as people who really want to help you and you may turn your opponents into friends postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next day when all the facts may be brought to bear in preparation for this meeting ask yourself some hard questions could my opponents be right partly right is there truth or merit in their position or argument is my reaction one that will relieve the problem or will it just relieve any frustration will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me will i win or lose what price will i have to pay if i win if i am quiet about it will the disagreement blow over is this difficult situation an opportunity for me opera tenor jan pierce after he was married nearly 50 years once said my wife and i made a pact a long time ago and we've kept it no matter how angry we've grown with each other when one yells the other should listen because when two people yell there is no communication just noise and bad vibrations principle one the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it chapter two a sure way of making enemies and how to avoid it when theodore roosevelt was in the white house he confessed that if he could be right 75 percent of the time he would reach the highest measure of his expectation if that was the highest rating that one of the most distinguished men of the 20th century could hope to obtain what about you and me if you can be sure of being right only 55 of the time you can get down to wall street and make a million dollars a day if you can't be sure of being right even 55 percent of the time why should you tell other people they are wrong you can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words and if you tell them they're wrong do you make them want to agree with you never for you've struck a direct blow at their intelligence judgment pride and self-respect that will make them want to strike back but it will never make them want to change their minds you may hurl at them all the logic of a plato or an immanuel kant but you will not alter their opinions for you have hurt their feelings never begin by announcing i am going to prove so and so to you now that's bad that's tantamount to saying i'm smarter than you are i'm going to tell you a thing or two and make you change your mind that is a challenge it arouses opposition and makes the listener want to battle with you before you even start it is difficult under even the most benign conditions to change people's minds so why make it harder why handicap yourself if you're going to prove anything don't let anybody know it do it so subtly so adroitly that no one will feel that you are doing it this was expressed succinctly by alexander pope men must be taught as if you taught them not and things unknown proposed as things forgot over 300 years ago galileo said you cannot teach a man anything you can only help him to find it within himself as lord chesterfield said to his son be wiser than other people if you can but do not tell them so socrates said repeatedly to his followers in athens one thing only i know and that is that i know nothing well i can't hope to be any smarter than socrates so i have quit telling people they are wrong and i find that it pays if a person makes a statement that you think is wrong yes even that you know is wrong isn't it better to begin by saying well now look i thought otherwise but i may be wrong i frequently am and if i am wrong i want to be put right let's examine the facts there's magic positive magic in such phrases as i may be wrong i frequently am let's examine the facts nobody in the heavens above or on the earth beneath or in the waters under the earth will ever object to your saying i may be wrong let's examine the facts one of our class members who used this approach in dealing with customers was harold ranky a dodge dealer in billings montana he reported that because of the pressures of the automobile business he was often hard-boiled and callous when dealing with customers complaints this caused flared tempers loss of business and general unpleasantness he told his class recognizing that this was getting me nowhere fast i tried a new tank i'd say something like this our dealership has made so many mistakes that i'm frequently ashamed we may have heard in your case and tell me about it this approach becomes quite disarming and by the time the customer releases his feelings he's usually much more reasonable when it comes to settling the matter in fact several customers have thanked me for having such an understanding attitude and two of them have even brought in friends to buy new cars in this highly competitive market we need more of this type of customer and i believe that showing respect for all customers opinions and treating them diplomatically and courteously will help beat the competition you will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong that will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are it will make him want to admit that he too may be wrong if you know positively that a person is wrong and you bluntly tell him or her so what happens let me illustrate mr s a young new york attorney once argued a rather important case before the united states supreme court launched garden versus fleet corporation 280 u.s 320 the case involved a considerable sum of money and an important question of law during the argument one of the supreme court justices said to him the statute of limitations in admiralty law is six years is it not mr s stopped stared at the justice for a moment and then he said bluntly your honor there is no statute of limitations in admiralty a hush fell on the court said mr s as he related his experience to one of my classes and the temperature in the room seemed to drop to zero i was right that justice was wrong and i had told him so but did that make him friendly no i still believe that i had the law on my side and i know that i spoke better than i ever spoke before but i didn't persuade i made the enormous blunder of telling a very learned and famous man that he was wrong a few people are logical most of us are prejudiced and biased most of us are blighted with preconceived notions with jealousy suspicion fear envy and pride and most citizens don't want to change their minds about their religion or their haircut or communism or their favorite movie star so if you're inclined to tell people they're wrong please review the following paragraph every morning before breakfast it's from james harvey robinson's enlightening book the mind in the making we sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance or heavy emotion but if we are told we are wrong we resent the imputation and harden our hearts we are incredibly heedless in the formation of our beliefs but find ourselves filled with an illicit passion for them when anyone proposes to rob us of their companionship it is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear to us but our self-esteem which is threatened the little word my is the most important one in human affairs and properly to reckon with it is the beginning of wisdom it has the same force whether it is my dinner my dog and my house or my father my country and my god we not only resent the imputation that our watch is wrong or our car shabby but that our conception of the canals of mars of the pronunciation of epic titus of the medicinal value of salicin or of the date of sargon 1 is subject to revision we like to continue to believe what we have been accustomed to accept is true and the resentment aroused when doubt is cast upon any of our assumptions leads us to seek every manner of excuse for clinging to it the result is that most of our so-called reasoning consist in finding arguments for going on believing as we already do carl rogers the eminent psychologist wrote in his book on becoming a person i have found it of enormous value when i can permit myself to understand the other person the way in which i have worded this statement may seem strange to you is it necessary to permit oneself to understand another i think it is our first reaction to most of the statements which we hear from other people is an evaluation or judgment rather than an understanding of it when someone expresses some feeling attitude or belief our tendency is almost immediately to feel that's right or that stupid that's abnormal that's unreasonable that's incorrect that's not nice very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person i once employed an interior decorator to make some draperies from my home and when the bill arrived i was dismayed a few days later a friend dropped in and looked at the draperies the price was mentioned and she exclaimed with a note of triumph what that's awful i'm afraid he put one over on you a true yes she told the truth but few people like to listen to truths that reflect on their judgment so being human i tried to defend myself i pointed out that the best is eventually the cheapest that one can't expect to get quality and artistic taste at bargain basement prices and so on the next day another friend dropped in admired the draperies bubbled over with enthusiasm and expressed a wish that she could afford such exquisite creations for her home and my reaction was totally different well to tell you the truth i said i can't afford them myself i paid too much i'm sorry i ordered them when we're wrong we may admit it to ourselves and if we're handled gently and tactfully we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness but not if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our esophagus horus greely the most famous editor in america during the time of the civil war disagreed violently with lincoln's policies he believed that he could drive lincoln into agreeing with him by a campaign of argument ridicule and abuse he waged this bitter campaign month after month year after year in fact he wrote a brutal bitter sarcastic and personal attack on president lincoln the night booth shot him but did all this bitterness make lincoln agree with greeley not at all ridicule and abuse never do [Music] if you want some excellent suggestions about dealing with people and managing yourself and improving your personality read benjamin franklin's autobiography one of the most fascinating life stories ever written one of the classics of american literature ben franklin tells how he conquered the iniquitous habit of argument and transformed himself into one of the most able suave and diplomatic men in american history one day when ben franklin was a blundering youth an old quaker friend took him aside and lashed him with a few stinging truths something like this then you are impossible your opinions have a slap in them for everyone who differs with you they have become so offensive that nobody cares for them your friends find they enjoy themselves better when you are not around you know so much that no man can tell you anything indeed no man is going to try for the effort would lead only to discomfort and hard work so you are not likely ever to know any more than you do now which is very little one of the finest things i know about ben franklin is the way he accepted that smarting rebuke he was big enough and wise enough to realize that it was true to sense that he was headed for failure and social disaster so he made a right about face he began immediately to change his insolent opinionated ways i made it a rule said franklin to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiment of others and all positive assertion of my own i even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion such as certainly undoubtedly etc and i adopt it instead of them i conceive i apprehend or i imagine a thing to be so or so or it so appears to me at present when another asserted something that i thought an error i denied myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly and of showing immediately some absurdity in his proposition and in answering i began by observing that in certain cases of circumstances his opinion would be right but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference etc i soon found the advantage of this change in my manner the conversations i engaged in went on more pleasantly the modest way in which i proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction i had less mortification when i was found to be in the wrong and i more easily prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when i happened to be in the right and this mode which i at first put on with some violence to natural inclination became at length so easy and so habitual to me that perhaps for these 50 years no one has ever heard a dogmatical expression escape me and to this habit after my character of integrity i think it principally owing that i had earned so much weight with my fellow citizens when i proposed new institutions or alterations in the old and so much influence in public councils when i became a member for i was but a bad speaker never eloquent subject to much hesitation in my choice of words hardly correct in language and yet i generally carried my points how do ben franklin's methods work in business let's take two examples catherine a allred of kings mountain north carolina is an industrial engineering supervisor for a yarn processing plant she told one of our classes how she handled a sensitive problem before and after taking our training part of my responsibility she reported deals with setting up and maintaining incentive systems and standards for our operators so they can make more money by producing more yarn the system we were using had worked fine when we had only two or three different types of yarn but recently we had expanded our inventory and capabilities to enable us to run more than 12 different varieties the present system was no longer adequate to pay the operators fairly for the work being performed and give them an incentive to increase production i had worked up a new system which would enable us to pay the operator by the class of yarn she was running at any one particular time with my new system in hand i entered the meeting determined to prove to the management that my system was the right approach i told them in detail how they were wrong and showed where they were being unfair and how i had all the answers they needed to say the least i failed miserably i had become so busy defending my position on the new system that i had left them no opening to graciously admit their problems on the old one the issue was dead after several sessions of this course i realized all too well where i had made my mistakes i called another meeting and this time i asked where they felt their problems were we discussed each point and i asked them their opinion on which was the best way to proceed with a few low-keyed suggestions at proper intervals i let them develop my system by themselves at the end of the meeting when i actually presented my system they enthusiastically accepted it i'm convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong you only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion let's take another example and remember these cases i'm citing are typical of the experiences of thousands of other people rv crowley was a salesman for a lumber company in new york crowley admitted that he had been telling hard-boiled lumber inspectors for years that they were wrong and he'd won the arguments too but it hadn't done any good for these lumber inspectors said mr crowley are like baseball umpires once they make a decision they never change it mr crowley saw that his firm was losing thousands of dollars through the arguments he won so while taking my course he resolved to change tactics and abandon arguments and with what results here's the story as he told it to fellow members of his class one morning the phone rang in my office a hot and bothered person at the other end proceeded to inform me that a car of lumber we had shipped into his plant was entirely unsatisfactory his firm had stopped unloading and requested that we make immediate arrangements to remove the stock from their yard after about one-fourth of the car had been unloaded their lumber inspector reported that the lumber was running 55 below grade under the circumstances they refused to accept it i immediately started for his plant and on the way turned over in my mind the best way to handle the situation ordinarily under such circumstances i should have quoted grading rules and tried as a result of my own experience and knowledge as a lumber inspector to convince the other inspector that the lumber was actually up to grade and that he was misinterpreting the rules in his inspection however i thought i would apply the principles learned in this training when i arrived at the plant i found the purchasing agent and the lumber inspector in a wicked humor both set for an argument and a fight we walked out to the car that was being unloaded and i requested that they continue to unload so that i could see how things were going i asked the inspector to go right ahead and lay out the rejects as he had been doing had to put the good pieces in another pile after watching him for a while it began to dawn on me that his inspection actually was much too strict and that he was misinterpreting the rules this particular lumber was white pine and i knew the inspector was thoroughly schooled in hardwoods but not a competent experienced inspector on white pine a white pine happens to be my own strong suit but did i offer any objection to the way he was grading the lumber and none whatever i kept on watching and gradually began to ask questions as to why certain pieces were not satisfactory i didn't for one instant insinuate that the inspector was wrong i emphasized that my only reason for asking was in order that we could give his firm exactly what they wanted in future shipment by asking questions in a very friendly cooperative spirit and insisting continually that they were right in laying out boards not satisfactory to their purpose i got him warmed up and the strained relations between us began to thaw and melt away an occasional carefully put remark on my part gave birth to the idea in his mind that possibly some of these rejected pieces were actually within the grade that they had bought and that their requirements demanded a more expensive grade i was very careful however not to let him think i was making an issue of this point gradually his whole attitude changed he finally admitted to me that he was not experienced on white pine and began to ask me questions about each piece as it came out of the car i'd explain why such and such a piece came within the grade specified but kept on insisting that we did not want him to take it if it was unsuitable for their purpose he finally got to the point where he felt guilty every time he put a piece in the rejected pile and at last he saw that the mistake was on their part for not having specified as good a grade as they needed the ultimate outcome was that he went through the entire carload again after i left accepted the whole lot and we received a check in full in that one instance alone a little tact and the determination to refrain from telling the other man he was wrong saved my company a substantial amount of cash and it would be hard to place a money value on the goodwill that was saved martin luther king was asked how as a pacifist he could be an admirer of air force general daniel chappie james then the nation's highest-ranking black officer dr king replied i judge people by their own principles not by my own in a similar way general robert e lee once spoke to the president of the confederacy jefferson davis in the most glowing terms about a certain officer under his command another officer in attendance was astonished general he said do you not know that the man of whom you speak so highly is one of your bitterest enemies who misses no opportunity to malign you yes replied general lee but the president asked my opinion of him he did not ask for his opinion of me by the way i'm not revealing anything new in this chapter 2000 years ago jesus said agree with thine adversary quickly and 2200 years before christ was born king akhtoi of egypt gave his son some shrewd advice advice that is sorely needed today be diplomatic counsel the king it will help you gain your point in other words don't argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary don't tell them they are wrong don't get them stirred up use a little diplomacy principle 2 show respect for the other person's opinions never say you're wrong chapter 3 if you're wrong admit it within a minute's walk of my house there was a wild stretch of virgin timber where the blackberry thickets foamed white in the springtime where the squirrels nested and reared their young and the horse weeds grew as tall as a horse's head this unspoiled woodland was called forest park and it was a forest probably not much different in appearance from what it was when columbus discovered america i frequently walked in this park with rex my little boston bulldog he was a friendly harmless little hound and since we rarely met anyone in the park i took ranks along without a leash or muzzle one day we encountered a mounted policeman in the park a policeman itching to show his authority what do you mean by letting that dog run loose in the park without a muzzle and leash he reprimanded me don't you know it's against the law well yes i know it is i replied softly but i didn't think he'd do any harm out there you didn't think you didn't think the law doesn't give a tinker's damn about what you think that dog might kill a squirrel or bite a child oh i'm going to let you off this time but if i catch this dog out here again without a muzzle unleash you'll have to tell it to the judge i meekly promised to obey and i did obey for a few times but rex didn't like the muzzle and neither did i so we decided to take a chance everything was lovely for a while and then we struck a snag rex and i raced over the brow of a hill one afternoon and there suddenly to my dismay i saw the majesty of the law has tried a bay horse rex was out in front heading straight for the officer i was in for it i knew it so i didn't wait until the policeman started talking i beat him to it i said officer you've caught me red-handed i'm guilty i have no alibis no excuses you warned me last week that if i brought the dog out here again without a muzzle you would find me well now the policeman responded in a soft tone i know it's a temptation i'll let a little dog like that have a run out here when nobody's around sure it's a temptation i replied but it is against the law well a little dog like that isn't going to harm anybody the policeman remonstrated well no but he may kill squirrels i said well now i think you're taking this a bit too seriously he told me i'll tell you what you do you just let him run over the hill there where i can't see him and we'll forget all about it that policeman being human wanted a feeling of importance so when i began to condemn myself the only way he could nourish his self-esteem was to take the magnanimous attitude of showing mercy but suppose i'd tried to defend myself well did you ever argue with a policeman but instead of breaking lances with him i admitted that he was absolutely right and i was absolutely wrong i admitted it quickly openly and with enthusiasm the affair terminated graciously in my taking his side and his taking my side lord chesterfield himself could hardly have been more gracious than this mounted policeman who only a week previously had threatened to have the law on me if we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow isn't it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves isn't it much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say and say them before that person has a chance to say them the chances are a hundred to one that a generous forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized just as the mounted policeman did with me and rex ferdinand e warren a commercial artist used this technique to win the goodwill of a petulant scolding buyer of art it is important in making drawings for advertising and publishing purposes to be precise and very exact mr warren said as he told the story some art editors demand that their commissions be executed immediately and in these cases some slight error is liable to occur i knew one art director in particular who was always delighted to find fault with some little thing i have often left his office in disgust not because of the criticism but because of his method of attack recently i delivered a rushed job to this editor and he phoned me to call at his office immediately he said something was wrong when i arrived i found just what i had anticipated and dreaded he was hostile gloating over his chance to criticize he demanded with heat why i had done so and so my opportunity had come to apply the self-criticism i'd been studying about so i said mr so-and-so if what you say is true i am at fault and there is absolutely no excuse for my blunder i have been doing drawings for you long enough to know better i am ashamed of myself immediately he started to defend me yes you're right but after all this isn't a serious mistake it's only and i interrupted him any mistake i said may be costly and they're all irritating he started to break in but i wouldn't let him i was having a grand time for the first time in my life i was criticizing myself and i loved it i should have been more careful i continued you give me a lot of work and you deserve the best so i'm going to do this drawing all over no no he protested i wouldn't think of putting you to all that trouble he praised my work assured me he wanted only a minor change and that my slight error hadn't cost his firm any money and after all it was a mere detail not worth worrying about my eagerness to criticize myself took all the fight out of him he ended up by taking me to lunch and before we parted he gave me a check and another commission there's a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one's errors it not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness but often helps solve the problem created by the error bruce harvey of albuquerque new mexico had incorrectly authorized payment of full wages to an employee on sick leave when he discovered his error he brought it to the attention of the employee and explained that to correct the mistake he would have to reduce his next paycheck by the entire amount of the overpayment the employee pleaded that as that would cause him a serious financial problem could the money be repaid over a period of time in order to do this harvey explained he would have to obtain his supervisor's approval and this i knew reported harvey would result in a boss type explosion while trying to decide how to handle the situation better i realized that the whole mess was my fault and i would have to admit it to my boss i walked into his office told him that i had made a mistake and then informed him of the complete facts he replied in an explosive manner that it was the fault of their personnel department i repeated that it was my fault he exploded again about carelessness in the accounting department again i explained it was my fault he blamed two other people in the office but each time i reiterated that it was my fault finally he looked at me and said okay it was your fault now straighten it out the error was corrected and nobody got into trouble i felt great because i was able to handle a tense situation and had the courage not to seek alibis my boss has had more respect for me ever since any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes and most fools do but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exaltation to admit one's mistakes for example one of the most beautiful things that history records about robert e lee is the way he blamed himself and only himself for the failure of pickett's charge at gettysburg pickett's charge was undoubtedly the most brilliant and picturesque attack that ever occurred in the western world general george e pickett himself was picturesque he wore his hair so long that his auburn locks almost touched his shoulders and like napoleon in his italian campaigns he wrote ardent love letters almost daily while on the battlefield his devoted troops cheered him that tragic july afternoon as he rode off jointly toward the union lines his cap set at a rakish angle over his right ear they cheered and they followed him man touching man rank pressing rank with banners flying and bayonets gleaming in the sun it was a gallant sight daring magnificent a murmur of admiration ran through the union lines as they beheld it pickett's troops swept forward at an easy trot through orchard and cornfield across a meadow and over a ravine all the time the enemy's cannon was tearing ghastly holes in their ranks but on they pressed grim irresistible suddenly the union infantry rose from behind the stone wall on cemetery ridge where they had been hiding and fired volley after volley into pickets on rushing troops the crest of the hill was a sheet of flame a slaughterhouse a blazing volcano in a few minutes all of pickett's brigade commanders except one were down and four-fifths of his five thousand men had fallen general louis a armistead leading the troops in the final plunge ran forward vaulted over the stone wall and waving his cap on top of his sword shouted give him steel boys they did they leaped over the wall bayonetted their enemies smashed skulls with clubbed muskets and planted the battle flags of the south on cemetery ridge the banner waved there only for a moment but that moment brief as it was recorded the high water mark of the confederacy pickett's charge brilliant heroic was nevertheless the beginning of the end lee had failed he could not penetrate the north and he knew it the south was doomed lee was so saddened so shocked that he sent in his resignation and asked jefferson davis the president of the confederacy to appoint a younger abler man if lee had wanted to blame the disastrous failure of pickett's charge on someone else he could have found a score of alibis some of his division commanders had failed him the cavalry hadn't arrived in time to support the infantry attack this had gone wrong and that had gone awry but lee was far too noble to blame others as pickett's beaten and bloody troops struggled back to the confederate lines robert e lee rode out to meet them all alone and greeted them with a self-condemnation that was little short of sublime all this has been my fault he confessed i and i alone have lost this battle few generals in all history had had the courage and character to admit that [Music] michael chong who teaches our course in hong kong told of how the chinese culture presents some special problems and how sometimes it is necessary to recognize that the benefits of applying a principle may be more advantageous than maintaining an old tradition he had one middle-aged class member who had been estranged from his son for many years the father had been an opium addict but now was cured in chinese tradition an older person cannot take the first step the father felt that it was up to his son to take the initiative toward a reconciliation in an early session he told the class about the grandchildren he had never seen and how much he desired to be reunited with his son his classmates all chinese understood his conflict between his desire and long-established tradition the father felt that young people should have respect for their elders and that he was right in not giving in to his desire but to wait for his son to come to him toward the end of the course the father again addressed the class i have pondered this problem he said dale carnegie says if you are wrong admit it quickly and emphatically it is too late for me to admit it quickly but i can admit it emphatically i wronged my son he was right in not wanting to see me and to expel me from his life i may lose face by asking a younger person's forgiveness but i was at fault and it is my responsibility to admit this the class applauded and gave him their full support at the next class he told how he went to his son's house asked for and received forgiveness and was now embarked on a new relationship with his son his daughter-in-law and the grandchildren he had met at last albert hubbard was one of the most original authors who ever stirred up a nation his stinging sentences often aroused fierce resentment but hubbard with his rare skill for handling people frequently turned his enemies into friends for example when some irritated reader wrote in to say that he didn't agree with such and such an article and ended by calling hubbard this and that albert hubbard would answer like this come to think it over i don't entirely agree with it myself not everything i wrote yesterday appeals to me today i am glad to learn what you think on the subject the next time you're in the neighborhood you must visit us and we'll get this subject thrashed out for all time so here is a hand clasp over the miles and i am yours sincerely what could you say to a man who treated you like that when we're right let's try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking and when we're wrong and that will be surprisingly often if we're honest with ourselves let's admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm not only will that technique produce astonishing results but believe it or not it is a lot more fun under the circumstances than trying to defend oneself remember the old proverb by fighting you never get enough but by yielding you get more than you expected principle three if you're wrong admit it quickly and emphatically chapter 4 a drop of honey if your temper is aroused and you tell him a thing or two you'll have a fine time unloading your feelings but what about the other person will he share your pleasure will your belligerent tones your hostile attitude make it easy for him to agree with you if you come at me with your fists doubled said woodrow wilson i think i can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours but if you come to me and say let us sit down and take counsel together and if we differ from each other understand why it is that we differ just what the points at issue are we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all that the points on which we differ are few and the points on which we agree are many and that if we only have the patience and the candor and the desire to get together we will get together nobody appreciated the truth of woodrow wilson's statement more than john d rockefeller jr back in 1915 rockefeller was the most fiercely despised man in colorado one of the bloodiest strikes in the history of american industry had been shocking the state for two terrible years irate belligerent miners were demanding higher wages from the colorado fuel and iron company rockefeller controlled that company property had been destroyed troops had been called out blood had been shed strikers had been shot their bodies riddled with bullets at a time like that with the air seething with hatred rockefeller wanted to win the strikers to his way of thinking and he did it how here's the story after weeks spent in making friends rockefeller addressed the representatives of the strikers this speech in its entirety is a masterpiece it produced astonishing results it calmed the tempestuous waves of hate that threatened to engulf rockefeller it won him a host of admirers it presented facts in such a friendly manner that the strikers went back to work without saying another word about the increase in wages for which they had fought so violently the opening of that remarkable speech follows note how it fairly glows with friendliness rockefeller remember was talking to men who a few days previously had wanted to hang him by the neck to a sour apple tree yet he couldn't have been more gracious more friendly if he had addressed a group of medical missionaries his speech was radiant with such phrases as i am proud to be here having visited in your homes met many of your wives and children we meet here not as strangers but as friends spirit of mutual friendship our common interests it is only by your courtesy that i am here this is a red letter day in my life rockefeller began it is the first time i have ever had the good fortune to meet the representatives of the employees of this great company its officers and superintendents together and i can assure you that i am proud to be here and that i shall remember this gathering as long as i live had this meeting been held two weeks ago i should have stood here a stranger to most of you recognizing a few faces having had the opportunity last week of visiting all the camps in the southern coal field and of talking individually with practically all of the representatives except those who are away having visited in your homes met many of your wives and children we meet here not as strangers but as friends and it is in that spirit of mutual friendship that i am glad to have this opportunity to discuss with you our common interests since this is a meeting of the officers of the company and the representatives of the employees it is only by your courtesy that i am here for i am not so fortunate as to be either one or the other and yet i feel that i am intimately associated with you men for in the sense i represent both the stockholders and the directors isn't that a superb example of the fine art of making friends out of enemies suppose rockefeller had taken a different tack suppose he'd argued with those miners and hurled devastating facts in their faces suppose he had told them by his tones and insinuations that they were wrong suppose that by all the rules of logic he had proved that they were wrong what would have happened more anger would have been stirred up more hatred more revolt if a man's heart is wrangling with discord and ill feeling toward you you can't win into your way of thinking with all the logic in christendom scolding parents and domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don't want to change their minds they can't be forced or driven to agree with you or me but they may possibly be led to if we are gentle and friendly ever so gentle and ever so friendly lincoln said that in effect over a hundred years ago here are his words it is an old and true maxim that a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall so with men if you would win a man to your cause first convince him that you are his sincere friend therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart which say what you will is the great high road to his reason business executives have learned that it pays to be friendly to strikers for example when 2500 employees in the white motor companies plant struck for higher wages and a union shop robert f black then president of the company didn't lose his temper and condemn and threaten and talk of tyranny and communists he actually praised the strikers he published an advertisement in the cleveland papers complementing them on the peaceful way in which they laid down their tools finding the strike pickets idle he bought them a couple of dozen baseball bats and gloves and invited them to play ball on vacant lots for those who preferred bowling he rented a bowling alley this friendliness on mr black's part did what friendliness always does it begot friendliness so the strikers borrowed brooms shovels and rubbish carts and began picking up matches papers cigarette stubs and cigar butts around the factory imagine it imagine strikers tidying up the factory grounds while battling for higher wages and recognition of the union such an event had never been heard of before in the long tempestuous history of american labor wars that strike ended with a compromised settlement within a week ended without any ill feeling or rancor daniel webster who looked like a god and talked like jehovah was one of the most successful advocates who ever pleaded a case yet he ushered in his most powerful arguments with such friendly remarks as it will be for the jury to consider this may perhaps be worth thinking of here are some facts that i trust you will not lose sight of or you with your knowledge of human nature will easily see the significance of these facts no bulldozing no high pressure methods no attempt to force his opinions on others webster used the soft-spoken quiet friendly approach and it helped to make him famous you may never be called on to settle the strike or address a jury but you may want to get your rent reduced will the friendly approach help you then let's see o.l straub an engineer wanted to get his rent reduced and he knew his landlord was hard-boiled i wrote him mr straub said in a speech before the class notifying him that i was vacating my apartment as soon as my lease expired the truth was i didn't want to move i wanted to stay if i could get my rent reduced but the situation seemed hopeless other tenants had tried and failed everyone told me that the landlord was extremely difficult to deal with but i said to myself i'm studying a course in how to deal with people so i'll try it on him and see how it works he and his secretary came to see me as soon as he got my letter i met him at the door with a friendly greeting i fairly bubbled with goodwill and enthusiasm i didn't begin talking about how high the rent was i began talking about how much i liked his apartment house believe me i was hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise i complimented him on the way he ran the building and i told him i should like so much to stay for another year but i couldn't afford it he evidently never had such a reception from a tenant he hardly knew what to make of it then he started to tell me his troubles complaining tenets one had written him 14 letters some of them positively insulting another threatened to break his lease unless the landlord kept the man on the floor above from snoring what a relief it is he said to have a satisfied tenant like you and then without my even asking him to do it he offered to reduce my rent a little i wanted more so i named the figure i could afford to pay and he accepted without a word as he was leaving he turned to me and asked what decorating can i do for you if i tried to get the rent reduced by the methods the other tenants were using i am positive i would have met with the same failure they encountered it was the friendly sympathetic appreciative approach that won dean woodcock of pittsburgh pennsylvania is the superintendent of a department of the local electric company his staff was called upon to repair some equipment on top of a pole this type of work had formerly been performed by a different department and had only recently been transferred to woodcock's section although his people had been trained in the work this was the first time they ever actually had been called upon to do it everybody in the organization was interested in seeing if and how they could handle it mr woodcock several of his subordinate managers and members of the other departments of the utility went to see the operation many cars and trucks were there and a number of people were standing around watching the two lone men on top of the pole glancing around woodcock noticed a man up the street getting out of his car with a camera he began taking pictures of the scene utility people are extremely conscious of public relations and suddenly woodcock realized what this setup looked like to the man with the camera overkill dozens of people being called out to do a two-person job he strolled up the street to the photographer i see you're interested in our operation yes and my mother will be more than interested she owns stock in your company this will be an eye-opener for her she may even decide her investment was unwise i've been telling her for years that there's a lot of waste motion in companies like yours this proves it the newspapers might like these pictures too well it does look like it doesn't it i'd think the same thing in your position but this is a unique situation and dean woodcock went on to explain how this was the first job of this type for his department and how everybody from executives down was interested he assured the man that under normal conditions two people could handle the job the photographer put away his camera shook woodcock's hand and thanked him for taking the time to explain the situation to him dean woodcock's friendly approach saved his company much embarrassment and bad publicity another member of one of our classes gerald h nguyen of littleton new hampshire reported how by using a friendly approach he obtained a very satisfactory settlement on a damaged claim early in the spring he reported before the grounded thawed from the winter freezing there was an unusually heavy rain storm and the water which normally would have run off to nearby ditches and storm drains along the road took a new course onto a building lot where i just built a new home not being able to run off the water pressure built up around the foundation of the house the water forced itself under the concrete basement floor causing it to explode in the basement filled with water this ruined the furnace in the hot water heater the cost to repair this damage was in excess of two thousand dollars i had no insurance to cover this type of damage however i soon found out that the owner of the subdivision had neglected to put in a storm drain near the house which could have prevented this problem i made an appointment to see him during the 25 mile trip to his office i carefully reviewed the situation and remembering the principles i learned in this course i decided that showing my anger would not serve any worthwhile purpose when i arrived i kept very calm and started by talking about his recent vacation to the west indies then when i felt the timing was right i mentioned the little problem of water damage he quickly agreed to do his share in helping to correct the problem a few days later he called and said he would pay for the damage and also put in a storm drain to prevent the same thing from happening in the future even though it was the fault of the owner of the subdivision if i'd not begun in a friendly way there would have been a great deal of difficulty in getting him to agree to the total liability years ago when i was a barefoot boy walking through the woods to a country school out in northwest missouri i read a fable about the sun and the wind they quarreled about which was the stronger and the wind said i'll prove i am see the old man down there with a coat i can get that coat off him quicker than you can so the sun went behind a cloud and the wind blew until it was almost a tornado but the harder it blew the tighter the old man clutched his coat to him finally the wind calmed down and gave up and then the sun came out from behind the clouds and smiled kindly on the old man presently he mopped his brow and pulled off his coat the sun then told the wind that gentleness and friendliness were always stronger than fury and force the use of gentleness and friendliness is demonstrated day after day by people who have learned that a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall f gail connor of lutherville maryland proved this when he had to take his four-month-old car to the service department of the car dealer for the third time he told our class it was apparent that talking to reasoning with or shouting at the service manager was not going to lead to a satisfactory resolution of my problems i walked over to the showroom and asked to see the agency owner mr white after a short wait i was ushered into mr white's office i introduced myself and explained to him that i had bought my car from his dealership because of the recommendation of friends who had had previous dealings with him i was told that his prices were very competitive and that his service was outstanding he smiled with satisfaction as he listened to me then i explained the problem that i was having with the service department i thought you might want to be aware of any situation that might tarnish your fine reputation i added he thanked me for calling this to his attention and assured me that my problem would be taken care of not only did he personally get involved but he also lent me his car to use while mine was being repaired esop was a greek slave who lived at the court of crisis and spun immortal fables 600 years before christ yet the truths he taught about human nature are just as true in boston and birmingham now as they were 26 centuries ago in athens the sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind and kindliness the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world remember what lincoln said a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall principle four begin in a friendly way chapter 5 the secret of socrates in talking with people don't begin by discussing the things on which you differ begin by emphasizing and keep on emphasizing the things on which you agree keep emphasizing if possible that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose get the other person saying yes yes at the outset keep your opponent if possible from saying no a null response according to professor overstreet is a most difficult handicap to overcome when you have said no all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself you may later feel that the no was ill-advised nevertheless there is your precious pride to consider once having said a thing you feel you must stick to it hence it is of the very greatest importance that a person be started in the affirmative direction the skillful speaker gets at the outset a number of yes responses this sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction it's like the movement of a billiard ball propel in one direction and it takes some force to deflect it far more force to send it back in the opposite direction the psychological patterns here are quite clear when a person says no and really means it he or she is doing far more than saying a word of two letters the entire organism glandular nervous muscular gathers itself together into a condition of rejection there is usually in minutes but sometimes an observable degree a physical withdrawal or readiness for withdrawal the whole neuromuscular system in short sets itself on guard against acceptance when to the contrary a person says yes none of the withdrawal activities takes place the organism is in a forward-moving accepting open attitude hence the more yeses we can at the very outset induce the more likely we are to succeed in capturing the attention for our ultimate proposal it is a very simple technique this yes response and yet how much it is neglected it often seems as if people get a sense of their own importance by antagonizing others at the outset get a student to say no at the beginning or a customer child husband or wife and it takes the wisdom and the patience of angels to transform that bristling negative into an affirmative the use of this yes yes technique enabled james eberson who was a teller at the greenwich savings bank in new york city to secure a prospective customer who might otherwise have been lost this man came in to open an account said mr eberson and i gave him our usual form to fill out some of the questions he answered willingly but there were others he flatly refused to answer before i began the study of human relations i would have told this prospective depositor that if he refused to give the bank this information we should have to refuse to accept this account i'm ashamed that i've been guilty of doing that very thing in the past naturally an ultimatum like that made me feel good i had shown who was boss that the bank's rules and regulations couldn't be floated but that sort of attitude certainly didn't give a feeling of welcome and importance to the man who'd walked in to give us his patronage i resolved this morning to use a little horse sense i resolved not to talk about what the bank wanted but about what the customer wanted and above all else i was determined to get him saying yes yes from the very start so i agreed with him i told him the information he refused to give was not absolutely necessary however i said suppose you have money in this bank at your death wouldn't you like to have the bank transfer it to your next of kin who's entitled to it according to law yes of course he replied don't you think i continued that it would be a good idea to give us the name of your next of kin so that in the event of your death we could carry out your wishes without error or delay again he said yes the young man's attitude softened and changed when he realized that we weren't asking for this information for our sake but for his sake before leaving the bank this young man not only gave me complete information about himself but he opened at my suggestion a trust account naming his mother as the beneficiary for his account and he gladly answered all the questions concerning his mother also i found that by getting him to say yes yes from the outset he forgot the issue at stake and was happy to do all the things that i suggested joseph allison a sales representative for westinghouse electric company had this story to tell there was a man in my territory that our company was most eager to sell to my predecessor had called on him for 10 years without selling anything when i took over the territory i called steadily for three years without getting an order finally after 13 years of calls and sales talk we sold him a few motors if these proved to be all right an order for several hundred more would follow such was my expectation right i knew they'd be all right so when i called three weeks later i was in high spirits the chief engineer greeted me with this shocking announcement alison i can't buy the remainder of the motors from you why i asked an amazement why because your motors are too hot i can't put my hand on them i knew it wouldn't do any good to argue i'd tried that sort of thing too long so i thought of getting the yes yes response well now look mr smith i said i agree with you a hundred percent if those motors are running too hot you want not to buy any more of them you must have motors that won't run any hotter than standards set by the national electrical manufacturers association isn't that so he agreed it was i'd gotten my first yes the electrical manufacturers association regulations say that a properly designed motor may have a temperature of 72 degrees fahrenheit above room temperature is that correct yes he agreed that's quite correct but your motors are much hotter i didn't argue with him i merely asked how hot is the mill room no he's at about 75 degrees fahrenheit well i replied if the mill room is 75 degrees and you add 72 to that that makes a total of 147 degrees fahrenheit wouldn't you scald your hand if you held it under a spigot of hot water at a temperature of 147 degrees fahrenheit again he had to say yes well i suggested wouldn't it be a good idea to keep your hands off those motors oh well i guess you're right he admitted we continued to chat for a while then he called his secretary and lined up approximately five thousand dollars worth of business for the ensuing month it took me years and cost me countless thousands of dollars in lost business before i finally learned that it doesn't pay to argue that it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the other person's viewpoint and to try to get that person saying yes yes [Music] eddie snow who sponsors our courses in oakland california tells how he became a good customer of a shop because the proprietor got him to say yes yes eddie had become interested in bow hunting and had spent considerable money in purchasing equipment and supplies from a local bow store when his brother was visiting him he wanted to rent a bow for him from this store the sales clerk told him they didn't rent bows so eddie phoned another bow store eddie described what happened a very pleasant gentleman answered the phone his response to my question for a rental was completely different from the other place he said he was sorry but they no longer rented bows because they couldn't afford to do so he asked me if i'd rented before and i replied yes several years ago he reminded me that i probably paid five to thirty dollars for the rental i said yes again then he asked if i was the kind of person who liked to save money naturally i answered yes he went on to explain that they had both sets with all the necessary equipment on sale for 34.95 i could buy a complete set for only 4.95 more than i could rent one he explained that is why they had discontinued renting them did i think that was reasonable my yes response led to a purchase of the set and when i picked it up i purchased several more items at this shop and have since become a regular customer socrates the gadfly of athens was one of the greatest philosophers the world has ever known he did something that only a handful of men in all history have been able to do he sharply changed the whole course of human thought and now 24 centuries after his death he is honored as one of the wisest persuaders who ever influenced this wrangling world his method did he tell people they were wrong oh no not socrates he was far too adroit for that his whole technique now called the socratic method was based upon getting a yes yes response he asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree he kept on winning one admission after another until he had an arm full of yeses he kept on asking questions until finally without realizing it his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously the next time we're tempted to tell someone he or she is wrong let's remember old socrates and ask a gentle question a question that will get the yes yes response the chinese have a proverb pregnant with the age-old wisdom of the orient he who treads softly goes far they have spent five thousand years studying human nature those cultured chinese and they have garnered a lot of perspicacity he who treads softly goes far principle five get the other person saying yes yes immediately chapter six the safety valve in handling complaints most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves let the other people talk themselves out they know more about their business and problems than you do so ask them questions let them tell you a few things if you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt but don't it's dangerous they won't pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression so listen patiently and with an open mind be sincere about it encourage them to express their ideas fully does this policy pay in business let's see here is the story of a sales representative who was forced to try it one of the largest automobile manufacturers in the united states was negotiating for a year's requirements of upholstery fabrics three important manufacturers had worked up fabrics in sample bodies these had all been inspected by the executives of the motor company and notice had been sent to each manufacturer saying that on a certain day a representative from each supplier would be given an opportunity to make a final plea for the contract gbr a representative of one manufacturer arrived in town with a severe attack of laryngitis when it came my turn to meet the executives in conference mr r said as he related the story before one of my classes i had lost my voice i could barely whisper i was ushered into a room and found myself face to face with the textile engineer the purchasing agent the director of sales and the president of the company i stood up and made a valiant effort to speak but i couldn't do anything more than squeak they were all seated around a table so i wrote on a pad of paper gentlemen i have lost my voice i am speechless i'll do the talking for you the president said he did he exhibited my samples and praised their good points a lively discussion arose about the merits of my goods and the president since he was talking for me took the position i would have had during the discussion my soul participation consisted of smiles nods and a few gestures as a result of this unique conference i was awarded the contract which called for over half a million yards of upholstery fabrics at an aggregate value of one million six hundred thousand dollars the biggest order i had ever received i know i would have lost the contract if i hadn't lost my voice because i had the wrong idea about the whole proposition i discovered quite by accident how richly it sometimes pays to let the other person do the talking letting the other person do the talking helps in family situations as well as in business barbara wilson's relationship with her daughter lori was deteriorating rapidly lori who had been a quiet complacent child had grown into an uncooperative sometimes belligerent teenager mrs wilson lectured her threatened her and punished her but all to no avail one day mrs wilson told one of our classes i just gave up lori had disobeyed me and had left the house to visit her girlfriend before she had completed her chores when she returned i was about to scream at her for the ten thousandth time but i just didn't have the strength to do it i just looked at her and said sadly why laurie why laurie noted my condition and in a calm voice asked do you really want to know i nodded and lori told me first hesitantly and then it all flowed out i had never listened to her i was always telling her to do this or that when she wanted to tell me her thoughts feelings ideas i interrupted with more orders i began to realize that she needed me not as a bossy mother but as a confidant an outlet for all her confusion about growing up and all i'd been doing was talking when i should have been listening i had never heard her from that time on i let her do all the talking she wanted she tells me what is on her mind and our relationship has improved immeasurably she is again a cooperative person a large advertisement appeared on the financial page of a new york newspaper calling for a person with unusual ability and experience charles t cubeless answered the advertisement sending his reply to a box number a few days later he was invited by letter to call for an interview before he called he spent hours in wall street finding out everything possible about the person who had founded the business during the interview he remarked i should be mighty proud to be associated with an organization with a record like yours i understand you started 28 years ago with nothing but desk room and one stenographer is that true almost every successful person likes to reminisce about his early struggles this man was no exception he talked for a long time about how he'd started with four hundred fifty dollars in cash and an original idea he told how he'd fought against discouragement and battled against ridicule working sundays and holidays twelve to sixteen hours a day how he finally won against all odds until now the most important executives on wall street were coming to him for information and guidance he was proud of such a record he had a right to be and he had a splendid time telling about it finally he questioned mr cabela's briefly about his experience then called in one of his vice presidents and said i think this is the person we're looking for mr cabela's had taken the trouble to find out about the accomplishments of his prospective employer he showed an interest in the other person and his problems he encouraged the other person to do most of the talking and made a favorable impression roy g bradley of sacramento california had the opposite problem he listened as a good prospect for a sales position talked himself into a job with bradley's firm roy reported being a small brokerage firm we had no fringe benefits such as hospitalization medical insurance and pension every representative is an independent agent we don't even provide leads for prospects as we cannot advertise for them as our larger competitors do richard pryor had the type of experience we wanted for this position and he was interviewed first by my assistant who told him about all the negatives related to this job he seemed slightly discouraged when he came into my office i mentioned the one benefit of being associated with my firm that of being an independent contractor and therefore virtually being self-employed as he talked about these advantages to me he talked himself out of each negative thought he had when he came in for the interview several times it seemed as though he was half talking to himself as he was thinking through each thought at times i was tempted to add to his thoughts however as the interview came to a close i felt he had convinced himself very much on his own that he would like to work for my firm because i had been a good listener and let dick do most of the talking he was able to weigh both sides fairly in his mind and he came to the positive conclusion which was a challenge he created for himself we hired him and he has been an outstanding representative for our firm even our friends would much rather talk to us about their achievements than listen to us boast about ours la rochefoucault the french philosopher said if you want enemies excel your friends but if you want friends let your friends excel you why is that true because when our friends excel us they feel important but when we excel them they or at least some of them will feel inferior and envious by far the best liked placement counselor in the midtown personnel agency in new york city was henrietta g it hadn't always been that way during the first few months of her association with the agency henrietta didn't have a single friend among her colleagues why because every day she would brag about the placement she had made the new account she had opened and anything else she had accomplished i was good at my work and proud of it henrietta told one of our classes but instead of my colleagues sharing my triumphs they seemed to resent them i wanted to be liked by these people i really wanted them to be my friends after listening to some of the suggestions made in this course i started to talk about myself less and listen more to my associates they also had things to boast about and were more excited about telling me about their accomplishments than about listening to my boasting now when we have some time to chat i ask them to share their joys with me and i only mention my achievements when they ask principle six let the other person do a great deal of the talking chapter seven how to get cooperation don't you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter if so isn't it bad judgment to try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people isn't it wiser to make suggestions and let the other person think out the conclusion adolf salts of philadelphia sales manager in an automobile showroom and a student in one of my courses suddenly found himself confronted with the necessity of injecting enthusiasm into a discouraged and disorganized group of automobile salespeople calling a sales meeting he urged his people to tell him exactly what they expected from him as they talked he wrote their ideas on the blackboard then he said i'll give you all these qualities you expect from me now i want you to tell me what i have a right to expect from you the replies came quick and fast loyalty honesty initiative optimism teamwork eight hours a day of enthusiastic work the meeting ended with a new courage a new inspiration one salesperson volunteered to work 14 hours a day and mr saltz reported to me that the increase of sales was phenomenal the people had made sort of a moral bargain with me mr seltz said and as long as i lived up to my part in it they were determined to live up to theirs consulting them about their wishes and desires was just the shot in the arm they needed no one likes to feel he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing we much prefer to feel that we're buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas we'd like to be consulted about our wishes our wants our thoughts take the case of eugene wesson he lost countless thousands of dollars in commissions before he learned this truth mr wesson sold sketches for a studio that created designs for stylists and textile manufacturers mr wesson had called on one of the leading stylists in new york once a week every week for three years he never refused to see me said mr wesson but he never bought he always looked over my sketches very carefully and then said no wes and i guess we don't get together today after 150 failures wesson realized he must be in a mental rut so he resolved to devote one evening a week to the study of influencing human behavior to help him develop new ideas and generate new enthusiasm he decided on this new approach with half a dozen unfinished artist sketches under his arm he rushed over to the buyer's office here's some uncompleted sketches won't you please tell me how we could finish them up in such a way that you could use them the buyer looked at the sketches for a while without uttering a word finally he said i'll leave these with me for a few days wesson and then come back and see me wesson returned three days later got his suggestions took the sketches back to the studio and had them finished according to the buyer's ideas the result all accepted after that this buyer ordered scores of other sketches from wesson all drawn according to the buyer's ideas i realized why i had failed for years to sell him said mr wesson i'd urged him to buy what i thought he ought to have then i changed my approach completely i urged him to give me his ideas this made him feel that he was creating the designs and he was i didn't have to sell him he bought letting the other person feel that the idea is his or hers not only works in business and politics it works in family life as well paul m davis of tulsa oklahoma told his class how he applied this principle my family and i enjoyed one of the most interesting sightseeing vacation trips we'd ever taken i'd long dreamed of visiting such historic sites as the civil war battlefield in gettysburg independence hall in philadelphia and our nation's capital valley forge jamestown and the restored colonial village of williamsburg were high on the list of things i wanted to see in march my wife nancy mentioned that she had ideas for our summer vacation which included a tour of the western states visiting points of interest in new mexico arizona california and nevada she'd wanted to make this trip for several years but we couldn't obviously make both trips our daughter anne had just completed a course in u.s history in junior high school and had become very interested in the events that had shaped our country's growth i asked her how she'd like to visit the places she'd learned about on our next vacation she said she'd love to two evenings later as we sat around the dinner table nancy announced that if we all agreed the summer's vacation would be to the eastern states that it would be a great trip for anne and thrilling for all of us we all concurred the same psychology was used by an x-ray manufacturer to sell his equipment to one of the largest hospitals in brooklyn this hospital was building an addition and preparing to equip it with the finest x-ray department in america dr l who was in charge of the x-ray department was overwhelmed with sales representatives each caroling the praises of his own company's equipment one manufacturer however was more skillful he knew far more about handling human nature than the others did he wrote a letter something like this our factory has recently completed a new line of x-ray equipment the first shipment of these machines has just arrived in our office they are not perfect we know that and we want to improve them so we should be deeply obligated to you if you could find time to look them over and give us your ideas about how they can be made more serviceable to your profession knowing how occupied you are i shall be glad to send my car for you at any hour you specify i was surprised to get that letter dr l said as he related the incident before the class i was both surprised and complimented i had never had an x-ray manufacturer seeking my advice before it made me feel important i was busy every night that week but i cancelled a dinner appointment in order to look over the equipment the more i studied it the more i discovered for myself how much i liked it nobody had tried to sell it to me i felt that the idea of buying that equipment for the hospital was my own i sold myself on its superior qualities and ordered it installed ralph waldo emerson in his essay self-reliance stated in every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty colonel edward m house wielded an enormous influence in national and international affairs while woodrow wilson occupied the white house wilson leaned upon colonel house for secret counsel and advice more than he did upon even members of his own cabinet what method did the colonel use in influencing the president fortunately we know for house himself revealed it to arthur d howden smith and smith quoted house in an article in the saturday evening post after i got to know the president house said i learned the best way to convert him to an idea was to plant it in his mind casually but so as to interest him in it so as to get him thinking about it on his own account the first time this worked it was an accident i had been visiting him at the white house and urged a policy on him when he appeared to disapprove but several days later at the dinner table i was amazed to hear him trot out my suggestion as his own did house interrupt him and say that's not your idea that's mine oh no not house he was too a droid for that he didn't care about credit he wanted results so he let wilson continue to feel that the idea was his house did even more than that he gave wilson public credit for these ideas let's remember that everyone we come in contact with is just as human as woodrow wilson so let's use colonel house's technique a man in the beautiful canadian province of new brunswick used this technique on me and won my patronage i was planning at the time to do some fishing and canoeing in new brunswick so i wrote the tourist bureau for information evidently my name and address were put on the mailing list for i was immediately overwhelmed with scores of letters and booklets and printed testimonials from camps and guides i was bewildered i didn't know which to choose then one camp owner did a clever thing he sent me the names and telephone numbers of several new york people who had stayed at his camp and he invited me to telephone them and discover for myself what he had to offer i found to my surprise that i knew one of the men on his list i telephoned him found out what his experience had been and then wired the camp the date of my arrival the others had been trying to sell me on their service but one let me sell myself that organization won 25 centuries ago loud say a chinese sage said some things that readers of this book might use today the reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams so the sage wishing to be above men put it himself below them wishing to be before them he put himself behind them thus though his place be above men they do not feel his weight though his place be before them they do not count it an injury principle seven let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers chapter eight a formula that will work wonders for you remember that other people may be totally wrong but they don't think so don't condemn them any fool can do that try to understand them only wise tolerant exceptional people even try to do that there's a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does ferret out that reason and you have the key to his actions perhaps to his personality try honestly to put yourself in his place if you say to yourself how would i feel how would i react if i were in his shoes you will save yourself time and irritation for by becoming interested in the cause we are less likely to dislike the effect and in addition you will sharply increase your skill in human relationships stop a minute says kenneth m good in his book how to turn people into gold stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else realize then that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way then along with lincoln and roosevelt you will have grasped the only solid foundation for interpersonal relationships namely that success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person's viewpoint sam douglas of hempstead new york used to tell his wife that she spent too much time working on their lawn pulling weeds fertilizing cutting the grass twice a week when the lawn didn't look any better than it had when they moved into their home four years earlier naturally she was distressed by his remarks and each time he made such remarks the balance of the evening was ruined after taking our course mr douglas realized how foolish he'd been all those years it never occurred to him that she enjoyed doing that work and she might really appreciate a compliment on her diligence one evening after dinner his wife said she wanted to pull some weeds and invited him to keep her company he first declined but then thought better of it and went out after and began to help her pull weeds she was visibly pleased and together they spent an hour in hard work and pleasant conversation after that he often helped her with the gardening and complimented her on how fine the lawn looked what a fantastic job she was doing with the yard where the soil was like concrete result a happier life for both because he had learned to look at things from her point of view even if the subject was only weeds in his book getting through to people dr gerald s nirenberg commented cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person's ideas and feelings as important as your own starting your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of your conversation governing what you say by what you would want to hear if you were the listener and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas i have always enjoyed walking and riding in a park near my home like the druids of ancient gaul i all but worship an oak tree so i was distressed season after season to see the young trees and shrubs killed off by needless fires these fires weren't caused by careless smokers they were almost all caused by youngsters who went out to the park to go native and cook a frankfurter or an egg under the trees sometimes these fires raged so fiercely that the fire department had to be called out to fight the conflagration there was a sign on the edge of the park saying that anyone who started the fire was liable to find an imprisonment but the sign stood in an unfrequented part of the park and few of the culprits ever saw it a mounted policeman was supposed to look after the park but he didn't take his duties too seriously and the fires continued to spread season after season on one occasion i rushed up to a policeman and told him about a fire rapidly spreading through the park and wanted him to notify the fire department and he nonchalantly replied that it was none of his business because it wasn't in his precinct i was desperate so after that when i went riding i acted as a self-appointed committee of one to protect the public domain in the beginning i'm afraid i didn't even attempt to see the other people's point of view when i saw a fire blazing under the trees i was so unhappy about it so eager to do the right thing that i did the wrong thing i would ride up to the boys warn them that they could be jailed for starting a fire order with a tone of authority that it be put out and if they refused i would threaten to have them arrested i was merely unloading my feelings without thinking of their point of view the result they obeyed obeyed sullenly and with resentment after i rode on over the hill they probably rebuilt the fire and longed to burn up the whole park with the passing of the years i acquired a trifle more knowledge of human relations a little more attacked and a somewhat greater tendency to see things from the other person's standpoint then instead of giving orders i would ride up to a blazing fire and begin something like this having a good time boys what are you going to cook for supper i loved to build fires myself when i was a boy and i still love to but you know they're very dangerous here in the park i know you boys don't mean to do any harm but other boys aren't so careful they come along and see that you've built a fire so they build one they don't put it out when they go home and it spreads among the dry leaves and kills the trees we won't have any trees here at all if we aren't more careful or you could be put in jail for building this fire but i don't want to be bossy interfere with your pleasure i'd like to see you enjoy yourselves but won't you please rake all the leaves away from the fire right now and you'll be careful to cover it with dirt a lot of dirt before you leave won't you and the next time you want to have some fun won't you please build your fire over the hill there in the sand pit can't do any harm there thanks so much boys have a good time what a difference that kind of talk made it made the boys want to cooperate no sullenness no resentment they hadn't been forced to obey orders they had saved their faces they felt better and i felt better because i'd handled the situation with consideration for their point of view seeing things through another person's eyes may ease tensions when personal problems become overwhelming elizabeth novak of new south wales australia was six weeks late with her car payment on a friday she reported i received a nasty phone call from the man who was handling my account informing me if i did not come up with 122 dollars by monday morning i could anticipate further action from the company i had no way of raising the money over the weekend so when i received his phone call first thing on monday morning i expected the worst instead of becoming upset i looked at the situation from his point of view i apologized most sincerely for causing him so much inconvenience and remarked that i must be his most troublesome customer as this was not the first time i was behind in my payments his tone of voice changed immediately and he reassured me that i was far from being one of his really troublesome customers he went on to tell me several examples of how rude his customers sometimes were how they lied to him and often tried to avoid talking to him at all i said nothing i listened and let him pour out his troubles to me then without any suggestion from me he said it did not matter if i couldn't pay all the money immediately it would be all right if i paid him 20 dollars by the end of the month and made up the balance whenever it was convenient for me to do so tomorrow before asking anyone to put out a fire or buy your product or contribute to your favorite charity why not pause and close your eyes and try to think the whole thing through from another person's point of view ask yourself why should he or she want to do it true this will take time but it will avoid making enemies and will get better results and with less friction and less shoe leather i would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person's office for two hours before an interview said dean dunham of the harvard business school then step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what i was going to say and what that person from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives was likely to answer that is so important that i'm going to repeat it for the sake of emphasis i would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person's office for two hours before an interview than to step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what i was going to say and what that person from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives was likely to answer if as a result of listening to this book you get only one thing an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as your own if you get only that one thing from this book it may easily prove to be one of the stepping stones of your career principle eight try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view chapter nine what everybody wants wouldn't you like to have a magic phrase that would stop arguments eliminate ill feeling create good will and make the other person listen attentively yes all right here it is i don't blame you one iota for feeling as you do if i were you i would undoubtedly feel just as you do an answer like that will soften the most cantankerous old cuss alive and you can say that and be 100 sincere because if you were the other person you of course would feel just as he does take al capone for example suppose you had inherited the same body and temperament and mind that al capone had suppose you had his environment and experiences he would then be precisely what he was and where he was for it is those things and only those things that made him what he was the only reason for example that you were not a rattlesnake is that your mother and father weren't rattlesnakes you deserve very little credit for being what you are and remember the people who come to you irritated bigoted unreasoning deserve very little discredit for being what they are feel sorry for the poor devils pity them sympathize with them say to yourself there but for the grace of god go i three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy give it to them and they will love you i once gave a broadcast about the author of little women louisa may alcott naturally i knew she'd lived and written her immortal books in concord massachusetts but without thinking about what i was saying i spoke of visiting her old home in concord new hampshire if i'd said new hampshire only once it might have been forgiven but alas and a lack i said it twice i was deluged with letters and telegrams stinging messages that swirled around my defenseless head like a swarm of hornets many were indignant a few insulting one colonial dame who had been reared in concord massachusetts and who was then living in philadelphia vented her scorching wrath upon me she couldn't have been much more bitter if i had accused miss alcott of being a cannibal from new guinea as i read the letter i said to myself thank god i'm not married to that woman i felt like writing and telling her that although i had made a mistake in geography she had made a far greater mistake in common courtesy that was to be just my opening sentence then i was going to roll up my sleeves and tell her what i really thought but i didn't i controlled myself i realized that any hot-headed fool could do that and that most fools would do just that i wanted to be above fools so i resolved to try to turn her hostility into friendliness it would be a challenge a sort of game i could play i said to myself after all if i were she i would probably feel just as she does so i determined to sympathize with her viewpoint the next time i was in philadelphia i called her on the telephone the conversation went something like this i'm mrs owenzo you wrote me a letter a few weeks ago and i want to thank you for it to whom have i the honor of speaking well i'm a stranger to you my name is dale carnegie you listen to a broadcast i gave about louisa may alcott a few sundays ago and i made the unforgivable blunder of saying that she had lived in concord new hampshire it was a stupid blunder and i want to apologize for it it was so nice of you to take the time to write me i am sorry mr carnegie that i wrote as i did i lost my temper i must apologize oh no no you're not the one to apologize i am any school child would have known better than to have said what i said i apologized over the air the following sunday and i want to apologize to you personally now i was born in concord massachusetts my family has been prominent in massachusetts affairs for two centuries and i am very proud of my native state i was really quite distressed to hear you say that miss alcott had lived in new hampshire but i'm really ashamed of that letter i assure you that you were not one-tenth as distressed as i am my error didn't hurt massachusetts but it did hurt me it's so seldom that people of your standing and culture take the time to write people who speak on the radio i do hope you'll write me again if you detect an error in my talks you know i really like very much the way you've accepted my criticism you must be a very nice person i should like to know you better so because i'd apologized and sympathized with her point of view she began apologizing and sympathizing with my point of view i had the satisfaction of controlling my temper the satisfaction of returning kindness for an insult i got infinitely more real fun out of making her like me than i could ever have gotten out of telling her to go and take a jump in the schuylkill river every man who occupies the white house is faced almost daily with thorny problems in human relations president taft was no exception and he learned from experience the enormous chemical value of sympathy in neutralizing the acid of hard feelings in his book ethics in service taft gives rather an amusing illustration of how he softened the ire of a disappointed and ambitious mother a lady in washington wrote taft whose husband had some political influence came and labored with me for six weeks or more to appoint her son to a position she secured the aid of senators and congressmen in formidable number and came with them to see that they spoke with emphasis the place was one requiring technical qualification and following the recommendation of the head of the bureau i appointed someone else i then received a letter from the mother saying that i was most ungrateful since i declined to make her a happy woman as i could have done by a turn of my hand she complained further that she had labored with her state delegation and got all the votes for an administration bill in which i was especially interested and this was the way i had rewarded her when you get a letter like that the first thing you do is to think how you can be severe with a person who has committed an impropriety or even been a little impertinent then you may compose an answer then if you are wise you will put the letter in a drawer and lock the drawer take it out in the course of two days such communication will always bear two days delay in answering and when you take it out after that interval you will not send it this is just the course i took after that i sat down and wrote her just as polite a letter as i could telling her i realized a mother's disappointment under such circumstances but that really the appointment was not left to my mere personal preference that i had to select a man with technical qualifications and had therefore to follow the recommendations of the head of the bureau i expressed the hope that her son would go on to accomplish what she had hoped for him in the position which he then had that mollified her and she wrote me a note saying she was sorry she had written as she had but the appointment i sent in was not confirmed at once and after an interval i received a letter which purported to come from her husband although it was in the same handwriting as all the others i was therein advised that due to the nervous prostration that had followed her disappointment in this case she had had to take to her bed and had developed the most serious case of cancer of the stomach would i not restore her to health by withdrawing the first name and replacing it by her sons i had to write another letter this one to the husband to say that i hope the diagnosis would prove to be inaccurate that i sympathized with him in the sorrow he must have in the serious illness of his wife but that it was impossible to withdraw the name sent in the man whom i appointed was confirmed and within two days after i received that letter we gave a musical at the white house the first two people to greet mrs taft and me were this husband and wife though the wife had so recently been in articulo mortis jay mangum represented an elevator escalator maintenance company in tulsa oklahoma which had the maintenance contract for the escalators in one of tulsa's leading hotels the hotel manager did not want to shut down the escalator for more than two hours at a time because he did not want to inconvenience the hotel's guests the repair that had to be made would take at least eight hours and this company did not always have a specially qualified mechanic available at the convenience of the hotel when mr mangum was able to schedule a top flight mechanic for this job he telephoned the hotel manager and instead of arguing with him to give him the necessary time he said rick i know your hotel is quite busy and you'd like to keep the escalator shut down time to a minimum i understand you're concerned about this and we want to do everything possible to accommodate you however our diagnosis of the situation shows that if we do not do a complete job now your escalator may suffer more serious damage and that would cause a much longer shutdown i know you would not want to inconvenience your guests for several days the manager had to agree that an eight-hour shutdown was more desirable than several days by sympathizing with the manager's desire to keep his patrons happy mr mangum was able to win the hotel manager to his way of thinking easily and without rancor joyce norris a piano teacher in st louis missouri told of how she had handled the problem piano teachers often have with teenage girls babette had exceptionally long fingernails this is a serious handicap to anyone who wants to develop proper piano playing habits mrs norris reported i knew her long fingernails would be a barrier for her in her desire to play well during our discussions prior to her starting her lessons with me i did not mention anything to her about her nails i didn't want to discourage her from taking lessons and i also knew she would not want to lose that which she took so much pride in and such great care to make attractive after her first lesson when i felt the time was right i said babette you have attractive hands and beautiful fingernails if you want to play the piano as well as you are capable of and as well as you would like to you would be surprised how much quicker and easier it would be for you if you would trim your nails shorter just think about it okay she made a face which was definitely negative i also talked to her mother about this situation again mentioning how lovely her nails were another negative reaction it was obvious that babette's beautifully manicured nails were important to her the following week babette returned for her second lesson much to my surprise the fingernails had been trimmed i complimented her and praised her for making such a sacrifice i also thanked her mother for influencing babette to cut her nails her reply was oh i had nothing to do with it babette decided to do it on her own and this is the first time she has ever trimmed her nails for anyone did mrs norris threaten babette did she say she would refuse to teach a student with long fingernails no she did not she let bebet know that her fingernails were a thing of beauty and it would be a sacrifice to cut them she implied i sympathize with you i know it won't be easy but it will pay off in your better musical development saul hurock was probably america's number one empresario for almost half a century he handled artists such world famous artists as sheliappen isadora duncan and pavlova mr hurock told me that one of the first lessons he had learned in dealing with his temperamental stars was the necessity for sympathy sympathy and more sympathy with their idiosyncrasies for three years he was empresario for fyodor sheliapan one of the greatest bossos who ever thrilled the ritzy boxholders at the metropolitan yet chelyapan was a constant problem he carried on like a spoiled child to put it in mr hurock's own inimitable phrase he was a hell of a fellow in every way for example shelley oppen would call up mr horok about noon of the day he was going to sing and say saul i feel terrible my throat is like raw hamburger it's impossible for me to sing tonight how did mr hurock argue with him oh no he knew that an entrepreneur wouldn't handle artists that way so he would rush over to shaliapan's hotel dripping with sympathy oh what a pity he would mourn what a pity my poor fellow of course you cannot sing i will cancel the engagement at once it will only cost you a couple of thousand dollars but that's nothing in comparison to your reputation and then shelly often would sigh and say uh perhaps you'd better come over later in the day i'll come at five see how i feel then at five o'clock mr yurok would again rush to his hotel dripping with sympathy again he would insist on canceling the engagement and again shelling up and would sigh and say well maybe you'd better come see me later i may be better by then at 7 30 the great bosso would consent to sing only with the understanding that mr hurock would walk out on the stage of the metropolitan and announce that chelyapan had a very bad cold and was not in good voice mr hurock would lie and say that he would do it for he knew that that was the only way to get the bosso out on stage dr arthur i gates in his splendid book educational psychology says sympathy the human species universally craves the child eagerly displays his injury or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy for the same purpose adults show their bruises relate their accidents illness especially details of surgical operations self-pity for misfortunes real or imaginary is in some measure practically a universal practice so if you want to win people to your way of thinking put in practice principle 9 be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires chapter 10 an appeal that everybody likes i was reared on the edge of the jesse james country out in missouri and i visited james farm at kearney missouri where the son of jesse james was then living his wife told me stories of how jesse robbed trains and held up banks and then gave money to the neighboring farmers to pay off their mortgages jesse james probably regarded himself as an idealist at heart just as dutch schultz two gun crowley al capone and many other organized crime godfathers did generations later the fact is all people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation j pierpont morgan observed in one of his analytical interludes that a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing one that sounds good and a real one the person himself will think of the real reason you don't need to emphasize that but all of us being idealists at heart like to think of motives that sound good so in order to change people appeal to the nobler motives is that too idealistic to work in business let's see let's take the case of hamilton j farrell of the farrell mitchell company of glen olden pennsylvania mr farrell had a disgruntled tenant who threatened to move the tenants lee still had four months to run and nevertheless he served notice that he was vacating immediately regardless of the lease these people had lived in my house all winter the most expensive part of the year mr farrell said as he told the story to the class i knew it would be difficult to rent the apartment again before fall i could see all that rent income going over the hill believe me i saw red and now ordinarily i would have waded into that tenant and advised him to read his lease again i would have pointed out that if he moved the full balance of his rent would fall do at once and that i could and would move to collect however instead of flying off the handle and making a scene i decided to try other tactics so i started like this mr doe i said i have listened to your story and i still don't believe you intend to move years in the renting business have taught me something about human nature i sized you up in the first place as being a man of your word in fact i'm so sure of it i'm willing to take a gamble now here's my proposition i'll lay your decision on the table for a few days and think it over if you come back to me between now and the first of the month when your rent is due and tell me you still intend to move i give you my word i will accept your decision as final i will privilege you to move and admit to myself that i've been wrong in my judgment but i still believe you're a man of your word and will live up to your contract for after all we're either men or monkeys and the choice usually lies with ourselves well when the new month came around this gentleman came to see me and paid his rent in person he and his wife had talked it over he said and decided to stay they had concluded that the only honorable thing to do was to live up to their lease when the late lord northcliff found a newspaper using a picture of him which he didn't want published he wrote the editor a letter but did he say please do not publish that picture of me anymore i don't like it no he appealed to a nobler motive he appealed to the respect and love that all of us have for motherhood he wrote please do not publish that picture of me anymore my mother doesn't like it when john d rockefeller jr wished to stop newspaper photographers from snapping pictures of his children he too appealed to the nobler motives he didn't say i don't want their pictures published no he appealed to the desire deep in all of us to refrain from harming children he said you know how it is boys you've got children yourselves some of you and you know it's not good for youngsters to get too much publicity when cyrus h.k curtis the poor boy from maine was starting on his meteoric career which was destined to make him millions as owner of the saturday evening post and the ladies home journal he couldn't afford to pay his contributors the prices that other magazines paid he couldn't afford to hire first-class authors to write for money alone so he appealed to their nobler motives for example he persuaded even louisa may alcott the immortal author of little women to write for him when she was at the flood tide of her fame and he did it by offering to send a check for a hundred dollars and not to her but to her favorite charity now right here the skeptic may say oh that stuff is all right for northcliff or rockefeller or a sentimental novelist but i'd like to see you make it work with the tough babies i have to collect bills from you may be right nothing will work in all cases and nothing will work with all people if you are satisfied with the results you're now getting why change if you're not satisfied why not experiment at any rate i think you'll enjoy hearing this true story told by james l thomas a former student of mine six customers of a certain automobile company refused to pay their bills for servicing none of the customers protested the entire bill but each claimed that some one charge was wrong in each case the customer had signed for the work done so the company knew it was right and said so that was the first mistake here are the steps the men in the credit department took to collect these overdue bills do you suppose they succeeded first they called on each customer and told him bluntly that they had come to collect a bill that was long past due second they made it very plain that the company was absolutely and unconditionally right therefore he the customer was absolutely and unconditionally wrong third they intimated that they the company knew more about automobiles than he could ever hope to know so what was the argument about result they argued did any of these methods reconcile the customer and settle the account you can answer that one yourself at this stage of affairs the credit manager was about to open fire with a battery of legal talent when fortunately the matter came to the attention of the general manager the manager investigated these defaulting clients and discovered that they all had the reputation of paying their bills promptly something was wrong here something was drastically wrong about the method of collection so he called in james l thomas and told him to collect these uncollectible accounts here in his words are the steps mr thomas took first my visit to each customer was likewise to collect a bill long past due a bill that we knew was absolutely right but i didn't say a word about that i explained i had called to find out what it was the company had done or failed to do second i made it clear that until i had heard the customer's story i had no opinion to offer i told him the company made no claims to being infallible third i told him i was interested only in his car and that he knew more about his car than anyone else in the world that he was the authority on the subject fourth i let him talk and i listened to him with all the interest and sympathy that he wanted and had expected and finally when the customer was in a reasonable mood i put the whole thing up to his sense of fair play i appealed to the nobler motives first i said i want you to know i also feel this matter has been badly mishandled you have been inconvenienced and annoyed and irritated by one of our representatives that should never have happened i'm sorry and as a representative of the company i apologize as i sat here and listened to your side of the story i could not help being impressed by your fairness and patience and now because you are fair-minded and patient i'm going to ask you to do something for me it's something that you can do better than anyone else something you know more about than anyone else here's your bill i know it's safe for me to ask you to adjust it just as you would do if you were the president of my company i'm going to leave it all up to you whatever you say goes did he adjust the bill he certainly did and got quite a kick out of it the bills ranged from one hundred fifty dollars to four hundred dollars but did the customer give himself the best of it yes one of them did one of them refused to pay a penny of the disputed charge but the other five all gave the company the best of it and here's the cream of the whole thing we delivered new cars to all six of these customers within the next two years experience has taught me says mr thomas that when no information can be secured about the customer the only sound basis on which to proceed is to assume that he or she is sincere honest truthful and willing and anxious to pay the charges once convinced they're correct to put it differently and perhaps more clearly people are honest and want to discharge their obligations the exceptions to that rule are comparatively few and i'm convinced that the individuals who are inclined to chisel will in most cases react favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest upright and fair principle 10 appeal to the nobler motives [Music] chapter 11 the movies do it tv does it why don't you do it many years ago the philadelphia evening bulletin was being maligned by a dangerous whispering campaign a malicious rumor was being circulated advertisers were being told that the newspaper was no longer attractive to readers because it carried too much advertising and too little news immediate action was necessary the gossip had to be squelched but how this is the way it was done the bulletin clipped from its regular edition all reading matter of all kinds on one average day classified it and published it as a book the book was called one day it contained 307 pages as many as a hardcover book yet the bulletin had printed all this news and feature material on one day and sold it not for several dollars but for a few cents the printing of that book dramatized the fact that the bulletin carried an enormous amount of interesting reading matter it conveyed the facts more vividly more interestingly more impressively than pages of figures and mere talk could have done this is the day of dramatization merely stating a truth isn't enough the truth has to be made vivid interesting dramatic you have to use showmanship the movies do it television does it and you will have to do it if you want attention experts in window display know the power of dramatization for example the manufacturers of a new rat poison gave dealers a window display that included two live rats the week the rats were shown sales zoomed to five times their normal rate television commercials abound with examples of the use of dramatic techniques in selling products sit down one evening in front of your television set and analyze what the advertisers do in each of their presentations you will note how an antacid medicine changes the color of the acid in a test tube while its competitor doesn't how one brand of soap or detergent gets a greasy shirt clean when the other brand leaves it gray you'll see a car maneuver around a series of turns and curves far better than just being told about it happy faces will show contentment with a variety of products all of these dramatize for the viewer the advantage is offered by whatever is being sold and they do get people to buy them you can dramatize your ideas in business or in any other aspect of your life it's easy jim yeemans who sells for the national cash register company in richmond virginia told how he made a sale by a dramatic demonstration last week i called on the neighborhood grocer and saw the cash registers he was using at his checkout counters were very old-fashioned i approached the owner and told him you're literally throwing away pennies every time a customer goes through your line with that i threw a handful of pennies on the floor and he quickly became more attentive the mere word should have been of interest to him but the sound of pennies hitting the floor really stopped him i was able to get an order from him to replace all of his old machines it works in home life as well when the old-time lover proposed to his sweetheart did he just use words of love no he went down on his knees that really showed he meant what he said we don't propose on our knees anymore but many suitors still set up a romantic atmosphere before they pop the question traumatizing what you want works with children as well joe b fent jr of birmingham alabama was having difficulty getting his five-year-old boy and three-year-old daughter to pick up their toys so he invented a train joey was the engineer captain casey jones on his tricycle janet's wagon was attached and in the evening she loaded all the coal on the caboose her wagon and then jumped in while her brother drove her around the room in this way the room was cleaned up without lectures arguments or threats mary catherine wolfe of mishawaka indiana was having some problems at work and decided that she had to discuss them with the boss on monday morning she requested an appointment with him but was told he was very busy and she should arrange with his secretary for an appointment later in the week the secretary indicated that his schedule was very tight but she would try to fit her in as wolf described what happened i did not get a reply from her all week long whenever i questioned her she would give me a reason why the boss could not see me friday morning came and i'd heard nothing definite i really wanted to see him and discuss my problems before the weekend so i asked myself how could i get him to see me what i finally did was this i wrote him a formal letter i indicated in the letter that i fully understood how extremely busy he was all week but it was important that i speak with him i enclosed a form letter and a self-addressed envelope and asked him to please fill it out or ask his secretary to do it and return it to me the form letter read as follows ms wolf i will be able to see you on blank at blank am or pm i will give you blank minutes of my time i put this letter in his in basket at 11 am at 2 pm i checked my mailbox there was my self-addressed envelope he had answered my form letter himself and indicated he could see me that afternoon and could give me 10 minutes of his time i met with him and we talked for over an hour and resolved my problems if i had not dramatized to him the fact that i really wanted to see him i would probably still be waiting for an appointment james b boynton had to present a lengthy market report his firm had just finished an exhaustive study for a leading brand of cold cream data were needed immediately about the competition in this market the prospective customer was one of the biggest and most formidable men in the advertising business and his first approach failed almost before he began the first time i went in mr boynton explains i found myself sidetracked into a futile discussion of the methods used in the investigation he argued and i argued he told me i was wrong and i tried to prove that i was right i finally won my point to my own satisfaction but my time was up the interview was over and i still hadn't produced results the second time i didn't bother with tabulations of figures and data i went to see this man i dramatized my facts as i entered his office he was busy on the phone while he finished his conversation i opened a suitcase and dumped 32 jars of cold cream on top of his desk all products he knew all competitors of his cream on each jar i had a tag itemizing the results of the trade investigation and each tag told its story briefly dramatically what happened there was no longer an argument here was something new something different he picked up first one and then another of the jars of cold cream and read the information on the tag a friendly conversation developed he asked additional questions he was intensely interested he had originally given me only 10 minutes to present my facts but 10 minutes passed 20 minutes 40 minutes and at the end of an hour we were still talking i was presenting the same facts this time that i had presented previously but this time i was using dramatization showmanship and what a difference it made principle 11 dramatize your ideas chapter 12 when nothing else works try this charles schwab had a mill manager whose people weren't producing their quota of work how is it schwab asked him that a manager as capable as you can't make this mill turn out what it should i don't know the manager replied i've i've coaxed the men i've pushed them i've sworn and cussed i've threatened them with damnation and being fired but nothing works they just won't produce this conversation took place at the end of the day just before the night shift came on schwab asked the manager for a piece of chalk then turning to the nearest man asked how many heats did your shift make today a six without another word schwab chalked a big figure six on the floor and walked away when the night shift came in they saw the six and asked what it meant the big boss was in here today the day people said he asked us how many heats we made and we told him six he chalked it down on the floor the next morning schwab walked through the mill again the night shift had rubbed out six and replaced it with a big seven when the day shift reported for work the next morning they saw a big seven chalked on the floor so the night shift thought they were better than the day shift did they well they'd show the night shift a thing or two the crew pitched in with enthusiasm and when they quit that night they left behind an enormous swaggering ten things were stepping up shortly this mill which had been lagging way behind in production was turning out more work than any other mill in the plant the principle let charles schwab say it in his own words the way to get things done says schwab is to stimulate competition i do not mean an assorted money-getting way but in the desire to excel the desire to excel the challenge throwing down the gauntlet an infallible way of appealing to people of spirit without a challenge theodore roosevelt would never have been president of the united states the rough writer just back from cuba was picked for governor of new york state the opposition discovered he was no longer a legal resident of the state and roosevelt frightened wished to withdraw then thomas collier platt the u.s senator from new york threw down the challenge turning suddenly on theodore roosevelt he cried in a ringing voice is the hero of san juan hill a coward roosevelt stayed in the fight and the rest is history a challenge not only changed his life it had a real effect upon the future of his nation all men have fears but the brave put down their fears and go forward sometimes to death but always to victory was the motto of the king's guard in ancient greece what greater challenge can be offered than the opportunity to overcome those fears when al smith was governor of new york he was up against it sing-sing at the time the most notorious penitentiary west of devil's island was without a warden scandals had been sweeping through the prison walls scandals and ugly rumors smith needed a strong man to rule sing sing an iron man but who he sent for lewis e laws of new hampton how about going up to take charge of sing-sing he said jovially when laws stood before him they need a man up there with experience laws was flabbergasted he knew the dangers of sing-sing it was a political appointment subject to the vagaries of political whims wardens had come and gone one had lasted only three weeks he had a career to consider was it worth the risk then smith who saw his hesitation leaned back in his chair and smiled young fella he said i don't blame you for being scared it's a tough spot it'll take a big person to go up there and stay so smith was throwing down a challenge was he laws liked the idea of attempting a job that called for someone big so he went and he stayed he stayed to become the most famous warden of his time his book twenty thousand years in sing-sing sold into the hundreds of thousands of copies his broadcasts on the air and his stories of prison life have inspired dozens of movies his humanizing of criminals wrought miracles in the way of prison reform i have never found said harvey s firestone founder of the great firestone tire and rubber company that pay and pay alone would either bring together or hold good people i think it was the game itself frederick hertzberg one of the great behavioral scientists concurred he studied in depth the work attitudes of thousands of people ranging from factory workers to senior executives what do you think he found to be the most motivating factor the one facet of the jobs that was most stimulating money good working conditions fringe benefits no not any of those the one major factor that motivated people was the work itself if the work was exciting and interesting the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job that is what every successful person loves the game the chance for self-expression the chance to prove his or her worth to excel to win that is what makes foot races and hog calling and pie eating contests the desire to excel the desire for a feeling of importance principle 12 throw down a challenge in a nutshell win people to your way of thinking principle one the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it principle two show respect for the other person's opinions never say you're wrong principle 3 if you are wrong admit it quickly and emphatically principle 4 begin in a friendly way principle five get the other person saying yes yes immediately principle six let the other person do a great deal of the talking principle seven let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers principle 8 try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view principle 9 be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires principle 10 appeal to the nobler motives principle 11 dramatize your ideas principle 12 throw down the challenge [Music] part four be a leader how to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment chapter 1 if you must find fault this is the way to begin a friend of mine was a guest at the white house for a weekend during the administration of calvin coolidge drifting into the president's private office he heard coolidge say to one of his secretaries that's a pretty dress you're wearing this morning and you're a very attractive young woman that was probably the most effusive praise silent cal had ever bestowed upon the secretary in his life it was so unusual so unexpected that the secretary blushed in confusion and then coolidge said now don't get stuck up i just said that to make you feel good from now on i wish you would be a little bit more careful with your punctuation his method was probably a bit obvious but the psychology was superb it's always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points a barber lathers a man before he shaves him and that is precisely what mckinley did back in 1896 when he was running for president one of the prominent republicans of that day had written a campaign speech that he felt was just a trifle better than cicero and patrick henry and daniel webster all rolled into one with great glee this chap read his immortal speech aloud to mckinley the speech had its fine points but it just wouldn't do it would have raised a tornado of criticism mckinley didn't want to hurt the man's feelings he must not kill the man's splendid enthusiasm and yet he had to say no note how adroitly he did it my friend that is a splendid speech a magnificent speech mckinley said no one could have prepared a better one there are many occasions on which it would be precisely the right thing to say but is it quite suitable to this particular occasion sound and sober as it is from your standpoint i must consider its effect from the party's standpoint now you go home and write a speech along the lines i indicate and send me a copy of it he did just that mckinley blew penciled and helped him rewrite his second speech and he became one of the effective speakers of the campaign here is the second most famous letter that abraham lincoln ever wrote his most famous one was written to mrs bixby expressing his sorrow for the death of the five sons she had lost in battle lincoln probably dashed this letter off in five minutes yet it sold at public auction in 1926 for twelve thousand dollars and that by the way was more money than lincoln was able to save during half a century of hard work the letter was written to general joseph hooker on april 26 1863 during the darkest period of the civil war for 18 months lincoln's generals had been leading the union army from one tragic defeat to another nothing but futile stupid human butchery the nation was appalled thousands of soldiers had deserted from the army and even the republican members of the senate had revolted and wanted to force lincoln out of the white house we are now on the brink of destruction lincoln said it appears to me that even the almighty is against us i can hardly see a ray of hope such was the period of black sorrow and chaos out of which this letter came i am including the letter here because it shows how lincoln tried to change an obstreperous general when the very fate of the nation could have depended upon the general's action this is perhaps the sharpest letter abe lincoln wrote after he became president yet you will note that he praised general hooker before he spoke of his grave faults yes they were grave faults but lincoln didn't call them that lincoln was more conservative more diplomatic lincoln wrote there are some things in regard to which i am not quite satisfied with you talk about tact and diplomacy here is the letter addressed to general hooker i have placed you at the head of the army of the potomac of course i have done this upon what appears to me to be sufficient reasons and yet i think it best for you to know that there are some things in regard to which i am not quite satisfied with you i believe you to be a brave and skillful soldier which of course i like i also believe you do not mix politics with your profession in which you are right you have confidence in yourself which is a valuable if not an indispensable quality you are ambitious which within reasonable bonds does good rather than harm but i think that during general burnside's command of the army you have taken counsel of your ambition and thwarted him as much as you could in which you did a great wrong to the country and to a most meritorious and honorable brother officer i have heard in such a way as to believe it of your recently saying that both the army and the government needed a dictator of course it was not for this but in spite of it that i have given you command only those generals who gain successes can set up as dictators what i now ask of you is military success and i will risk the dictatorship the government will support you to the utmost of its ability which is neither more nor less than it has done and will do for all commanders i much fear that the spirit which you have aided to infuse into the army of criticizing their commander and withholding confidence from him will now turn upon you i shall assist you as far as i can to put it down neither you nor napoleon if he were alive again could get any good out of an army while such spirit prevails in it and now beware of rashness beware of rashness but with energy and sleepless vigilance go forward and give us victories you are not a coolidge a mckinley or a lincoln you want to know whether this philosophy will operate for you in everyday business contacts will it let's see let's take the case of w.p gore of the work company of philadelphia the work company had contracted to build and complete a large office building in philadelphia by a certain specified date everything was going along well the building was almost finished when suddenly the subcontractor making the ornamental bronze work to go on the exterior of this building declared that he couldn't make delivery on schedule what an entire building held up heavy penalties distressing losses all because of one man long distance telephone calls arguments heated conversations all in vain then mr gaul was sent to new york to beard the bronze lion in his den do you know you're the only person in brooklyn with your name mr gaul asked the president of the subcontracting firm shortly after they were introduced the president was surprised oh no i i didn't know that well mr goh said when i got off the train this morning i looked in the telephone book to get your address and you're the only person in the brooklyn phone book with your name i i never knew that the subcontractor said he checked the phone book with interest well it's an unusual name he said proudly my family came from holland and settled in new york almost 200 years ago he continued to talk about his family and his ancestors for several minutes when he finished that mr gaul complimented him on how large a plant he had and compared it favorably with a number of similar plants he'd visited it's one of the cleanest and neatest bronze factories i ever saw said gaw i've spent a lifetime building up this business the subcontractor said and i'm rather proud of it would you like to take a look around the factory during this tour of inspection mr gaul complimented the other man on his system of fabrication and told him how and why it seemed superior to those of some of his competitors gawk commented on some unusual machines and the subcontractor announced that he himself had invented those machines he spent considerable time showing gaul how they operated and the superior work they turned out he insisted on taking his visitor to lunch as so far mind you not a word had been said about the real purpose of gaura's visit after lunch the subcontractor said now to get down to business naturally i know why you're here i didn't expect that our meeting would be so enjoyable you can go back to philadelphia with my promise that your materials will be fabricated and chipped even if other orders have to be delayed mr gaw got everything that he wanted without even asking for it the materials arrived on time and the building was completed on the day the completion contract specified would this have happened had mr gaul used the hammer and dynamite method generally employed on such occasions dorothy robleski a branch manager of the fort monmouth new jersey federal credit union reported to one of our classes how she was able to help one of her employees become more productive we recently hired a young lady as a teller trainee her contact with our customers was very good she was accurate and efficient in handling individual transactions the problem developed at the end of the day when it was time to balance out the head teller came to me and strongly suggested that i fire this woman she's holding up everyone else because she's so slow and balancing out i've shown her over and over but she can't get it she's got to go the next day i observed her working quickly and accurately when handling the normal everyday transactions and she was very pleasant to our customers it didn't take long to discover why she had trouble balancing out after the office closed i went over to talk with her she was obviously nervous and upset i praised her for being so friendly and outgoing with the customers and complimented her for the accuracy and speed used in that work i then suggested we review the procedure we use in balancing the cash drawer once she realized i had confidence in her she easily followed my suggestions and soon mastered this function we've had no problems with her since then beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with novocaine the patient still gets a drilling but the novocaine is pain killing a leader will use principle one begin with praise and honest appreciation chapter 2 how to criticize and not be hated for it charles schwab was passing through one of his steel mills one day at noon when he came across some of his employees smoking immediately above their heads was a sign that said no smoking did schwab point to the sign and say can't you read oh no not schwab he walked over to the men handed each one a cigar and said i'll appreciate it boys if you'll smoke these on the outside they knew that he knew that they'd broken a rule and they admired him because he said nothing about it and gave them a little present and made them feel important couldn't keep from loving a man like that could you john wanamaker used the same technique wanamaker used to make a tour of his great store in philadelphia every day once he saw a customer waiting at a counter no one was paying the slightest attention to her the salespeople oh they were in a huddle at the far end of the counter laughing and talking among themselves wanamaker didn't say a word quietly slipping behind the counter he waited on the woman himself and then handed the purchase to the salespeople to be wrapped as he went on his way public officials are often criticized for not being accessible to their constituents they are busy people and the fault sometimes lies in overprotective assistance who don't want to overburden their bosses with too many visitors carl langford who has been mayor of orlando florida the home of disney world for many years frequently admonished his staff to allow people to see him he claimed he had an open door policy yet the citizens of his community were blocked by secretaries and administrators when they called finally the mayor found the solution he removed the door from his office his aides got the message and the mayor has had a truly open administration since the day his door was symbolically thrown away simply changing one three-letter word can often spell the difference between failure and success in changing people without giving offense or arousing resentment many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word but and ending with a critical statement for example in trying to change a child's careless attitude toward studies we might say we're really proud of you johnny for raising your grades this term but if you had worked harder on your algebra the results would have been better in this case johnny might feel encouraged until he heard the word but he might then question the sincerity of the original praise to him the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure credibility would be strained and we probably would not achieve our objectives of changing johnny's attitude toward his studies this could be easily overcome by changing the word but to and we're really proud of you johnny for raising your grades this term and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term your algebra grade can be up with all the others now johnny would accept the praise because there was no follow-up of an inference of failure we have called his attention to the behavior we wish to change indirectly and the chances are he will try to live up to our expectations calling attention to one's mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism marge jacob of woonsocket rhode island told one of our classes how she convinced some sloppy construction workers to clean up after themselves when they were building additions to her house for the first few days of the work when mrs jacob returned from her job she noticed that the yard was strewn with the cut ends of lumber she didn't want to antagonize the builders because they did excellent work so after the workers had gone home she and her children picked up and neatly piled all the lumber debris in a corner the following morning she called the foreman to one side and said i'm really pleased with the way the front lawn was left last night it's nice and clean and doesn't offend the neighbors from that day forward the workers picked up and piled the debris to one side and the foreman came in each day seeking approval of the condition the lawn was left in after a day's work one of the major areas of controversy between members of the army reserves and their regular army trainers is haircuts the reservists consider themselves civilians and which they are most of the time and resent having to cut their hair short master sergeant harley kaiser of the 542nd usar school addressed himself to this problem when he was working with a group of reserved non-commissioned officers as an old-time regular army master sergeant he might have been expected to yell at his troops and threaten them instead he chose to make his point indirectly gentlemen he started you are leaders you will be most effective when you lead by example you must be the example for your men to follow you know what the army regulations say about haircuts i'm going to get my hair cut today although it's still much shorter than some of yours now you look at yourselves in the mirror if you feel you need a haircut to be a good example we'll arrange a time for you to visit the post barber shop and the result was predictable several of the candidates did look in the mirror and went to the barber shop that afternoon and received regulation haircuts sergeant kaiser commented the next morning that he already could see the development of leadership qualities in some of the members of the squad on march 8 1887 the eloquent henry ward beecher died the following sunday lyman abbott was invited to speak in the pulpit left silent by beecher's passing eager to do his best he wrote rewrote and polished his sermon with the meticulous care of a flow bear then he read it to his wife it was poor as most written speeches are as she might have said if she had less judgment a lyman that's terrible that will never do you'll put people to sleep it reads like an encyclopedia you want to know better than that after all the years you've been preaching for heaven's sake why don't you talk like a human being why don't you act natural you'll disgrace yourself if you ever read that stuff that's what she might have said and if she had you know what would have happened and she knew too so she merely remarked that it would make an excellent article for the north american review in other words she praised it and at the same time subtly suggested that it wouldn't do as a speech lyman abbott saw the point tore up his carefully prepared manuscript and preached without even using notes an effective way to correct others mistakes is principle 2 call attention to people's mistakes indirectly chapter 3 talk about your own mistakes first my niece josephine carnegie had come to new york to be my secretary she was 19 had graduated from high school three years previously and her business experience was a trifle more than zero she became one of the most proficient secretaries west of suez but in the beginning she was well susceptible to improvement one day i started the criticizer i said to myself just a minute dale carnegie just a minute you are twice as old as josephine you have had 10 000 times as much business experience how can you possibly expect her to have your viewpoint your judgment your initiative mediocre though they may be and just a minute dale what were you doing at 19 remember the asinine mistakes and blunders you made remember the time you did this and that after thinking the matter over honestly and impartially i concluded that josephine's batting average at 19 was better than mine had been and that i'm sorry to confess isn't paying josephine much of a compliment so after that when i wanted to call josephine's attention to a mistake i used to begin by saying you've made a mistake josephine but the lord knows it's no worse than many i have made you were not born with judgment that comes only with experience and you are better than i was at your age i've been guilty of so many stupid silly things myself i have very little inclination to criticize you or anyone but don't you think it would have been wise if you had done so and so it isn't nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he too is far from impeccable eg dillastone an engineer in brandon manitoba canada was having problems with his new secretary letters he dictated were coming to his desk for signature with two or three spelling mistakes per page mr dillastone reported how he handled this like many engineers i've not been noted for my excellent english or spelling for years i've kept a little black thumb index book for words i had trouble spelling when it became apparent that merely pointing out the errors was not going to cause my secretary to do more proofreading and dictionary work i resolved to take another approach when the next letter came to my attention that had errors in it i sat down with the typist and i said somehow this word doesn't look right it's one of the words i've always had trouble with that's the reason i started this little spelling book of mine i opened the book to the appropriate page yes here it is i'm very conscious of my spelling now because people do judge us by our letters and misspelling makes us look less professional i don't know whether she copied my system or not but since that conversation her frequency of spelling errors has been significantly reduced the polished prince bernhard von bulow learned the sharp necessity of doing this back in 1909 fonbulo was then the imperial chancellor of germany and on the throne sat wilhelm ii they'll helm the haughty wilhelm the arrogant wilhelm the last of the german kaisers building an army and navy that he boasted could whip their weight in wildcats then an astonishing thing happened the kaiser said things incredible things things that rocked the continent and started a series of explosions heard around the world to make matters infinitely worse the kaiser made silly egotistical absurd announcements in public he made them while he was a guest in england and he gave his royal permission to have them printed in the daily telegraph for example he declared that he was the only german who felt friendly toward the english that he was constructing a navy against the menace of japan that he and he alone had saved england from being humbled in the dust by russia and france that it had been his campaign plan that enabled england's lord roberts to defeat the boers in south africa and so on no other such amazing words had ever fallen from the lips of a european king in peace time within a hundred years the entire continent buzzed with the fury of a hornet's nest england was incensed german statesmen were aghast and in the midst of all this consternation the kaiser became panicky and suggested to prince von bulow the imperial chancellor that he take the blame yes he wanted von bulow to announce that it was all his responsibility that he had advised his monarch to say these incredible things but your majesty von bulow protested it seems to me utterly impossible that anybody either in germany or england could suppose me capable of having advised your majesty to say such things the moment those words were out of bombulo's mouth he realized he'd made a grave mistake the kaiser blew up you consider me a donkey he shouted capable of blunders you yourself could never have committed von bulow knew that he ought to have praised before he condemned but since that was too late he did the next best thing he praised after he had criticized and it worked a miracle i am far from suggesting that he answered respectfully your majesty surpasses me in many respects not only of course in naval and military knowledge but above all in natural science i have often listened in admiration when your majesty explained the barometer or wireless telegraphy or the renkin rays i'm shamefully ignorant of all branches of natural science have no notion of chemistry of physics and i'm quite incapable of explaining the simplest of natural phenomena but von bulow continued in compensation i possess some historical knowledge and perhaps certain qualities useful in politics especially diplomacy the kaiser beamed von bulow had praised him von bulow had exalted him and humbled himself the kaiser could forgive anything after that haven't i always told you he exclaimed with enthusiasm that we complete one another famously we should stick together and we will he shook hands with juanpulo not once but several times and later in the day he waxed so enthusiastic that he exclaimed with doubled fists if anyone says anything to me against prince von bulow i shall punch him in the nose von bulow saved himself in time but kenny diplomat that he was he nevertheless had made one error he should have begun by talking about his own shortcomings and wilhelm's superiority not by intimating that the kaiser was a halfwit in need of a guardian if a few sentences humbling oneself and praising the other party can turn a haughty insulted kaiser into a staunch friend imagine what humility and praise can do for you and me in our daily contacts rightfully used they will work veritable miracles in human relations admitting one's own mistakes even when one hasn't corrected them can help convince somebody to change his behavior this was illustrated more recently by clarence zerhussen of timonium maryland when he discovered his fifteen-year-old son was experimenting with cigarettes naturally i didn't want david to smoke mr zerhuzen told us but his mother and i smoked cigarettes we were giving him a bad example all the time i explained to dave how i started smoking at about his age and how the nicotine had gotten the best of me and now it was nearly impossible for me to stop i reminded him how irritating my cough was and how he had been after me to give up cigarettes not many years before i didn't exhort him to stop or make threats or warn him about their dangers all i did was point out how i was hooked on cigarettes and what it had meant to me he thought about it for a while and decided he wouldn't smoke until he had graduated from high school as the years went by david never did start smoking and has no intention of ever doing so as a result of that conversation i made the decision to stop smoking cigarettes myself and with the support of my family i have succeeded a good leader follows this principle principle three talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person chapter four no one likes to take orders i once had the pleasure of dining with miss ida tarbell the dean of american biographers when i told her i was writing this book we began discussing this all-important subject of getting along with people and she told me that while she was writing her biography of owen d young she interviewed a man who had sat for three years in the same office with mr young this man declared that during all that time he had never heard owen d young give a direct order to anyone he always gave suggestions not orders owen d young never said for example do this or do that or don't do this don't do that he would say you might consider this or do you think that would work frequently he would say after he had dictated a letter what do you think of this in looking over a letter of one of his assistants he would say maybe if we were to phrase it this way it would be better he always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves he never told his assistants to do things he let them do them let them learn from their mistakes a technique like that makes it easy for a person to correct errors a technique like that saves a person's pride and gives him or her a feeling of importance it encourages cooperation instead of rebellion resentment caused by a brash order may last a long time even if the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation dan santarelli a teacher at a vocational school in wyoming pennsylvania told one of our classes how one of his students had blocked the entrance way to one of the school's shops by illegally parking his car in it one of the other instructors stormed into the classroom and asked in an arrogant tone whose car is blocking the driveway when the student who owned the car responded the instructor screamed move that car and move it right now or i'll wrap a chain around it and drag it out of there now that student was wrong the car should not have been parked there but from that day on not only did that student resent the instructor's action but all the students in the class did everything they could to give the instructor a hard time and make his job unpleasant how could he have handled it differently if he had asked in a friendly way whose car's in the driveway and then suggested that if it were moved other cars could get in and out the student would have gladly moved it and neither he nor his classmates would have been upset and resentful asking questions not only makes an order more palatable it often stimulates the creativity of the persons who you ask people are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued when ian mcdonald of johannesburg south africa the general manager of a small manufacturing plant specializing in precision machine parts had the opportunity to accept a very large order he was convinced that he would not meet the promised delivery date the work already scheduled in the shop and the short completion time needed for this order made it seem impossible for him to accept the order instead of pushing his people to accelerate their work and rush the order through he called everybody together explained the situation to them and told them how much it would mean to the company and to them if they could make it possible to produce the order on time then he started asking questions is there anything we can do to handle this order can anyone think of different ways to process it through the shop that will make it possible to take the order is there any way to adjust our hours or personnel assignments that would help the employees came up with many ideas and insisted that he take the order they approached it with a we can do it attitude and the order was accepted produced and delivered on time an effective leader will use principle for ask questions instead of giving direct orders chapter 5 let the other person save face years ago the general electric company was faced with the delicate task of removing charles steinmetz from the head of a department steinmetz a genius of the first magnitude when it came to electricity was a failure as the head of the calculating department yet the company didn't dare offend the man he was indispensable and highly sensitive so they gave him a new title they made him consulting engineer of the general electric company a new title for work he was already doing and let someone else head up the department steinmetz was happy so were the officers of ge they had gently maneuvered their most temperamental star and they had done it without a storm by letting him save face letting one save face how important how vitally important that is and how few of us ever stop to think of it we ride roughshod over the feelings of others getting our own way finding fault issuing threats criticizing a child or an employee in front of others without even considering the hurt to the other person's pride whereas a few minutes thought a considerate word or two a genuine understanding of the other person's attitude would go so far toward alleviating the sting let's remember that the next time we're faced with the distasteful necessity of discharging or reprimanding an employee firing employees is not much fun getting fired is even less fun i'm quoting now from a letter written me by marshall a granger a certified public accountant our business is mostly seasonal therefore we have to let a lot of people go after the income tax rush is over it's a byword in our profession that no one enjoys wielding the acts consequently the custom is developed of getting it over as soon as possible and usually in the following way sit down mr smith the season's over we don't seem to see any more assignments for you of course you understand you were only employed for the busy season anyhow etc etc the effect on these people is one of disappointment and a feeling of being let down most of them are in the accounting field for life and they retain no particular love for the firm that drops them so casually i recently decided to let our seasonal personnel go with a little more tact and consideration so i call each one in only after carefully thinking over his or her work during the winter and i've said something like this mr smith you've done a fine job if he has at that time we sent you to newark you had a tough assignment you were on the spot but you came through with flying colors and we want you to know the firm is proud of you you've got the stuff you're going a long way wherever you're working this firm believes in you and is rooting for you and we don't want you to forget it effect the people go away feeling a lot better about being fired they don't feel let down they know if we had work for them we'd keep them on and when we need them again they come to us with a keen personal affection at one session of our course two class members discussed the negative effects of fault-finding versus the positive effects of letting the other person save face fred clarke of harrisburg pennsylvania told of an incident that occurred in his company at one of our production meetings a vice president was asking very pointed questions of one of our production supervisors regarding a production process his tone of voice was aggressive and aimed at pointing out faulty performance on the part of the supervisor not wanting to be embarrassed in front of his peers the supervisor was evasive in his responses this caused the vice president to lose his temper berate the supervisor and accuse him of lying any working relationship that might have existed prior to this encounter was destroyed in a few brief moments this supervisor who was basically a good worker was useless to our company from that time on a few months later he left our firm and went to work for a competitor where i understand he's doing a fine job another class member anna mazon related how a similar incident had occurred at her job but what a difference in approach and results ms mazon a marketing specialist for a food packer was given her first major assignment the test marketing of a new product she told the class when the result of the test came in i was devastated i'd made a serious error in my planning and the entire test had to be done all over again to make this worse i had no time to discuss it with my boss before the meeting in which i was to make my report on the project when i was called on to give the report i was shaking with fright i had all i could do to keep from breaking down but i resolved i would not cry and have all those men make remarks about women not being able to handle a management job because they're too emotional i made my report briefly and stated that due to an error i would repeat the study before the next meeting i sat down expecting my boss to blow up instead he thanked me for my work and remarked that it was not unusual for a person to make an error on a new project and that he had confidence that the repeat survey would be accurate and meaningful to the company he assured me in front of all my colleagues that he had faith in me and knew i had done my best and that my lack of experience not my lack of ability was the reason for the failure i left that meeting with my head up in the air and with the determination that i would never let that boss of mine down again even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face the legendary french aviation pioneer and author antoine de santiago paris wrote i have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes what matters is not what i think of him but what he thinks of himself hurting a man in his dignity is a crime a real leader will always follow principle five let the other person save face chapter six how to spur people on to success pete barlow was an old friend of mine he had a dog and pony act and spent his life traveling with circuses and vaudeville shows i love to watch pete train new dogs for his act i noticed that the moment a dog showed the slightest improvement pete patted and praised him and gave him meat and made a great to-do about it that's nothing new animal trainers have been using that same technique for centuries why i wonder don't we use the same common sense when trying to change people that we use when trying to change dogs why don't we use meat instead of a whip why don't we use praise instead of condemnation let us praise even the slightest improvement that inspires the other person to keep on improving in his book i ain't much baby but i'm all i got the psychologist jess lair comments praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit we cannot flower and grow without it and yet while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise i can look back at my own life and see where a few words of praise have sharply changed my entire future can't you say the same thing about your life history is replete with striking illustrations of the sheer witchery of praise for example many years ago a boy of 10 was working in a factory in naples he longed to be a singer but his first teacher discouraged him you can't sing he said you haven't any voice at all it sounds like the wind in the shutters but his mother a poor peasant woman put her arms about him and praised him and told him she knew he could sing she could already see an improvement and she went barefoot in order to save money to pay for his music lessons that peasant mother's praise and encouragement changed that boy's life his name was enrico caruso and he became the greatest and most famous opera singer of his age in the early 19th century a young man in london aspired to be a writer but everything seemed to be against him he had never been able to attend school more than four years his father had been flung in jail because he couldn't pay his debts and this young man often knew the pangs of hunger finally he got a job pasting labels on bottles of blacking in a rat infested warehouse and he slept at night in a dismal attic room with two other boys got her snipes from the slums of london he had so little confidence in his ability to write that he sneaked out and mailed his first manuscript in the dead of night so nobody would laugh at him story after story was refused finally the great day came when one was accepted true he wasn't paid a shilling for it but one editor had praised him one editor had given him recognition he was so thrilled that he wandered aimlessly around the streets with tears rolling down his cheeks the praise the recognition that he received through getting one story in print changed his whole life for if it hadn't been for that encouragement he might have spent his entire life working in rat infested factories you may have heard of that boy his name was charles dickens another boy in london made his living as a clerk in a dry goods store he had to get up at five o'clock sweep out the store and slave for 14 hours a day it was sheer drudgery and he despised it after two years he could stand it no longer so he got up one morning and without waiting for breakfast trapped 15 miles to talk to his mother who was working as a housekeeper he was frantic he pleaded with her he wept he swore he would kill himself if he had to remain in the shop any longer then he wrote a long pathetic letter to his old school master declaring that he was heartbroken that he no longer wanted to live his old school master gave him a little praise and assured him that he really was very intelligent and fitted for finer things and offered him a job as a teacher that praise changed the future of that boy and made a lasting impression on the history of english literature for that boy went on to write innumerable best-selling books and made over a million dollars with his pen you've probably heard of him his name h.g wells use of praise instead of criticism is the basic concept of b.f skinner's teachings this great contemporary psychologist has shown by experiment with animals and with humans that when criticism is minimized and prey is emphasized the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention john ringlespaw of rocky mount north carolina used this in dealing with his children it seemed that as in so many families mother and dad's chief form of communication with the children was yelling at them and as in so many cases the children became a little worse rather than better after every session and so did the parents there seemed to be no end in sight for this problem mr wringlespaw determined to use some of the principles he was learning in our course to solve this situation he reported we decided to try to praise instead of harping on their faults it wasn't easy when all we could see were the negative things they were doing it was really tough to find things to praise we managed to find something and within the first day or two some of the really upsetting things they were doing quit happening then some of their other faults began to disappear they began capitalizing on the praise we were giving them they even began going out of their way to do things right neither of us could believe it of course it didn't last forever but the norm reached after things leveled off was so much better it was no longer necessary to react the way we used to the children were doing far more right things than wrong ones all of this was the result of praising the slightest improvement in the children rather than condemning everything they did wrong this works on the job too keith roper of woodland hills california applied this principle to a situation in his company some material came to him in his print shop which was of exceptionally high quality the printer who had done this job was a new employee who had been having difficulty adjusting to the job his supervisor was upset about what he considered a negative attitude and was seriously thinking of terminating his services when mr roper was informed of this situation he personally went over to the print shop and had a talk with a young man he told him how pleased he was with the work he just received and pointed out it was the best work he had seen produced in that shop for some time he pointed out exactly why it was superior and how important the young man's contribution was to the company do you think this affected that young printer's attitude toward the company within days there was a complete turnabout he told several of his co-workers about the conversation and how someone in the company really appreciated good work and from that day on he was a loyal and dedicated worker what mr roper did was not just flatter the young printer and say you're good he specifically pointed out how his work was superior because he had singled out a specific accomplishment rather than just making general flattering remarks his praise became much more meaningful to the person to whom it was given everybody likes to be praised but when praise is specific it comes across as sincere not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good [Music] remember we all crave appreciation and recognition and will do almost anything to get it but nobody wants insincerity nobody wants flattery let me repeat the principles taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart i'm not advocating a bag of tricks i'm talking about a new way of life talk about changing people if you and i will inspire the people with whom we come in contact to a realization of the hidden treasures they possess we can do far more than change people we can literally transform them exaggeration then listen to these sage words from william james one of the most distinguished psychologists and philosophers america has ever produced compared with what we ought to be we are only half awake we are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources stating the thing broadly the human individual thus lives far within his limits he possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use yes you possess powers of various sorts which you habitually fail to use and one of these powers you are probably not using to the fullest extent is your magic ability to praise people and inspire them with a realization of their latent possibilities abilities wither under criticism they blossom under encouragement to become a more effective leader of people apply principle six praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise chapter 7 give a dog a good name what do you do when a person who's been a good worker begins to turn in shoddy work you can fire him or her but that really doesn't solve anything you can berate the worker but this usually causes resentment henry henke a service manager for a large truck dealership in lowell indiana had a mechanic whose work had become less than satisfactory instead of balling him out or threatening him mr henke called him into his office and had a heart-to-heart talk with him bill he said you're a fine mechanic you've been in this line of work for a good number of years you've repaired many vehicles to the customer satisfaction in fact we've had a number of compliments about the good work you've done yet of late the time you take to complete each job has been increasing and your work has not been up to your own old standards because you've been such an outstanding mechanic in the past i felt sure you'd want to know that i'm not happy with the situation perhaps jointly we could find some way to correct the problem bill responded that he hadn't realized he'd been falling down in his duties and assured his boss that the work he was getting was not out of his range of expertise and that he would try to improve in the future did he do it you can be sure he did he once again became a fast and thorough mechanic with that reputation mr henke had given him to live up to how could he do anything else but turn out work comparable to that which he had done in the past the average person said samuel voclane then president of the baldwin locomotive works can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability in short if you want to improve a person in a certain respect act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics shakespeare said assume a virtue if you have it not and it might be well to assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop give them a fine reputation to live up to and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned georgette leblanc in her book souvenirs my life with metalink describes the startling transformation of a humble belgian cinderella a servant girl from a neighboring hotel brought my meals she wrote she was called marie the dishwasher because she had started her career as a scullery assistant she was a kind of monster cross-eyed bandy-legged poor in flesh and spirit one day while she was holding my plate of macaroni in her red hand i said to her point blank marie you do not know what treasures are within you accustomed to holding back her emotion marie waited a few moments not daring to risk the slightest gesture for fear of the catastrophe then she put the dish on the table sighed and said ingenuously madame i would never have believed it she did not doubt she did not ask a question she simply went back to the kitchen and repeated what i had said and such is the force of faith that no one made fun of her from that day on she was even given a certain consideration but the most curious change of all occurred in the humble marie herself believing she was the tabernacle of unseen marvels she began taking care of her face and body so carefully that her starved youth seemed to bloom and modestly hide her plainness two months later she announced her coming marriage with the nephew of the chef i'm going to be a lady she said and thanked me a small phrase had changed her entire life george at leblanc had given marie the dishwasher a reputation to live up to and that reputation had transformed her bill parker a sales representative for a food company in daytona beach florida was very excited about the new line of products his company was introducing and was upset when the manager of a large independent food market turned down the opportunity to carry it in his store bill brooded all day over this rejection and decided to return to the store before he went home that evening and try again jack he said since i left this morning i realized i hadn't given you the entire picture of our new line and i'd appreciate some of your time to tell you about the points i omitted i've respected the fact that you're always willing to listen and are big enough to change your mind when the facts warrant to change could jack refuse to give him another hearing and not with that reputation to live up to one morning dr martin fitzhugh a dentist in dublin ireland was shocked when one of his patients pointed out to him that the metal cup holder which she was using to rinse her mouth was not very clean true the patient drank from the paper cup not the holder but it certainly was not professional to use tarnished equipment when the patient left dr fitzhugh retreated to his private office to write a note to bridget the char woman who came twice a week to clean his office he wrote my dear bridget i see you so seldom i thought i'd take the time to thank you for the fine job of cleaning you've been doing by the way i thought i'd mention that since two hours twice a week is a very limited amount of time please feel free to work an extra half hour from time to time if you feel the need to do those once in a while things like polishing the cup holders and the like i of course will pay you for the extra time the next day when i walked into my office dr fitzhugh reported my desk had been polished to a mirror-like finish as had my chair which i nearly slid out of when i went into the treatment room i found the shiniest cleanest chrome-plated cup holder i had ever seen nestled in its receptacle i had given my char woman a fine reputation to live up to and because of this small gesture she outperformed all her past efforts how much additional time did she spend on this that's right none at all there's an old saying give a dog a bad name and you may as well hang him but give him a good name and see what happens when mrs ruth hopkins a fourth grade teacher in brooklyn new york looked at her class roster the first day of school her excitement and joy of starting a new term was tinged with anxiety in her class this year she would have tommy t the school's most notorious bad boy he was not just mischievous he caused serious discipline problems in the class picked fights with the boys teased the girls was fresh to the teacher and seemed to get worse as he grew older his only redeeming feature was his ability to learn rapidly and master the school work easily mrs hopkins decided to face the tommy problem immediately when she greeted her new students she made little comments to each of them rose that's a pretty dress you're wearing alicia i hear you draw beautifully when she came to tommy she looked him straight in the eyes and said tommy i understand you're a natural leader i'm going to depend on you to help me make this class the best class in the fourth grade this year she reinforced this over the first few days by complimenting tommy on everything he did and commenting on how this showed what a good student he was with that reputation to live up to even a nine-year-old couldn't let her down and he didn't if you want to excel in that difficult leadership role of changing the attitude or behavior of others use principle 7 give the other person a fine reputation to live up to chapter 8 make the fault seem easy to correct a bachelor friend of mine about 40 years old became engaged and his fiancee persuaded him to take some belated dancing lessons the lord knows i needed dancing lessons he confessed as he told me the story for i danced just as i did when i first started 20 years ago the first teacher i engaged probably told me the truth she said i was all wrong i would just have to forget everything and begin all over again but that took the heart out of me i had no incentive to go on so i quit her the next teacher may have been lying but i liked it she said nonchalantly that my dancing was a bit old-fashioned perhaps but the fundamentals were all right and she assured me i wouldn't have any trouble learning a few new steps the first teacher had discouraged me by emphasizing my mistakes this new teacher did the opposite she kept praising the things i did right and minimizing my errors you have a natural sense of rhythm she assured me you really are a natural-born dancer and now my common sense tells me that i always have been and always will be a fourth-rate dancer yet deep in my heart i still like to think that maybe she meant it to be sure i was paying her to say it but why bring that up at any rate i know i'm a better dancer than i would have been if she hadn't told me i had a natural sense of rhythm that encouraged me that gave me hope that made me want to improve tell your child your spouse or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing has no gift for it and is doing it all wrong and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve but use the opposite technique be liberal with your encouragement make the thing seem easy to do let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it that he has an undeveloped flair for it and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel lowell thomas a superb artist in human relations used this technique he gave you confidence inspired you with courage and faith for example i spent a weekend with mr and mrs thomas and on saturday night i was asked to sit in on a friendly bridge game before a roaring fire bridge oh no no no not me i knew nothing about it the game had always been a black mystery to me no no impossible why dale it's no trick at all lowell replied there's nothing to bridge except memory and judgment you've written articles on memory bridge will be a cinch for you it's right up your alley and presto almost before i realized what i was doing i found myself for the first time at a bridge table all because i was told i had a natural flare for it and the game was made to seem easy speaking of bridge reminds me of eli culbertson whose books on bridge have been translated into a dozen languages and have sold more than a million copies yet he told me he never would have made a profession out of the game if a certain young woman hadn't assured him that he had a flare for it when he came to america in 1922 he tried to get a job teaching in philosophy and sociology but he couldn't then he tried selling coal and he failed at that then he tried selling coffee and he failed at that too he had played some bridge but it had never occurred to him in those days that someday he would teach it he was not only a poor card player but he was also very stubborn he asked so many questions and held so many post-mortem examinations that no one wanted to play with him then he met a pretty bridge teacher josephine dillon fell in love and married her she noticed how carefully he analyzed his cards and persuaded him that he was a potential genius at the card table it was that encouragement and that alone culbertson told me that caused him to make a profession of bridge clarence m jones one of the instructors of our course in cincinnati ohio told how encouragement and making faults seem easy to correct completely changed the life of his son in 1970 my son david who was then 15 years old came to live with me in cincinnati he had led a rough life in 1958 his head was cut open in a car accident leaving a very bad scar on his forehead in 1960 his mother and i were divorced and he moved to dallas texas with his mother until he was 15 he'd spent most of his school years in special classes for slow learners in the dallas school system possibly because of the scar school administrators decided that he was brain injured and could not function at a normal level he was two years behind his age group so he was only in the seventh grade yet he did not know his multiplication tables added on his fingers and could barely read there was one positive point he loved to work on radio and tv sets he wanted to become a tv technician i encouraged this and pointed out that he needed math to qualify for the training i decided to help him become proficient in this subject we obtained four sets of flash cards multiplication division addition and subtraction as we went through the cards we put the correct answers in a discard stack when david missed one i gave him the correct answer and then put the card in the repeat stack until there were no cards left i made a big deal out of each card he got right particularly if he had missed it previously each night we would go through the repeat stack until there were no cards left each night we timed the exercise with the stopwatch i promised him that when he could get all the cards correct in eight minutes with no incorrect answers we would quit doing it every night this seemed an impossible goal to david the first night it took 52 minutes the second night 48 then 45 44 41 then under 40 minutes we celebrated each reduction i'd call in my wife and we would both hug him and we'd dance a jig at the end of the month he was doing all the cards perfectly in less than eight minutes when he made the small improvement he would ask to do it again he had made the fantastic discovery that learning was easy and fun naturally his grades in algebra took a jump it is amazing how much easier algebra is when you can multiply he astonished himself by bringing home a b in math that had never happened before other changes came with almost unbelievable rapidity his reading improved rapidly and he began to use his natural talents in drawing later in the school year his science teacher assigned him to develop an exhibit he chose to develop a highly complex series of models to demonstrate the effect of levers it required skill not only in drawing and model making but in applied mathematics the exhibit took first prize in his school science fair and was entered in the city competition and won third prize for the entire city of cincinnati that did it here was a kid who had flunked two grades who had been told he was brain damaged who'd been called frankenstein by his classmates and told his brains must have leaked out of the cut on his head suddenly he discovered he could really learn and accomplish things the result from the last quarter of the eighth grade all the way through high school he never failed to make the honor roll in high school he was elected to the national honor society once he found learning was easy his whole life changed if you want to help others to improve remember principle 8 use encouragement make the fault seem easy to correct chapter nine making people glad to do what you want back in 1915 america was aghast for more than a year the nations of europe had been slaughtering one another on a scale never before dreamed of in all the bloody annals of mankind could peace be brought about no one knew but woodrow wilson was determined to try he would send a personal representative a peace emissary to counsel with the warlords of europe william jennings bryan secretary of state brian the peace advocate longed to go he saw a chance to perform a great service and make his name immortal but wilson appointed another man his intimate friend and advisor colonel edward m house and it was house's thorny task to break the unwelcome news to brian without giving him a fence brian was distinctly disappointed when he heard i was to go to europe as the peace emissary colonel house records in his diary he said he had planned to do this himself i replied that the president thought it would be unwise for anyone to do this officially and that his going would attract a great deal of attention and people would wonder why he was there you see the intimation house practically told brian that he was too important for the job and brian was satisfied colonel house a droid experienced in the ways of the world was following one of the important rules of human relations always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest woodrow wilson followed that policy even when inviting william gibbs mcadoo to become a member of his cabinet that was the highest honor he could confer upon anyone and yet wilson extended the invitation in such a way as to make mcadoo feel doubly important here's the story in mcadoo's own words wilson said that he was making up his cabinet and that he would be very glad if i would accept a place in it as secretary of the treasury he had a delightful way of putting things he created the impression that by accepting this great honor i would be doing him a favor unfortunately wilson didn't always employ such tact if he had history might have been different for example wilson didn't make the senate and the republican party happy by entering the united states in the league of nations wilson refused to take such prominent republican leaders as elihu root or charles evans hughes or henry cabot lodge to the peace conference with him instead he took along unknown men from his own party he snubbed the republicans refused to let them feel that the league was their idea as well as his refused to let them have a finger in the pie and as a result of this crude handling of human relations wrecked his own career ruined his health shortened his life caused america to stay out of the league and altered the history of the world statesmen and diplomats aren't the only ones who use this make a person happy to do the things you want them to do approach dale o ferrier of fort wayne indiana told how he encouraged one of his young children to willingly do the chore he was assigned one of jeff's chores was to pick up pairs from under the pear tree so the person who was mowing underneath wouldn't have to stop and pick them up he didn't like this chore and frequently it was either not done at all or it was done so poorly that the mower had to stop and pick up several pairs that he'd missed rather than have an eyeball to eyeball confrontation about it one day i said to him jeff i'll make a deal with you for every bushel basket full of pairs you pick up i'll pay you one dollar but after you're finished for every pair i find left in the yard i'll take away a dollar how does that sound as you'd expect he not only picked up all of the pairs but i had to keep an eye on him to see that he didn't pull a few off the trees to fill up some of the baskets i knew a man who had to refuse many invitations to speak invitations extended by friends invitations coming from people to whom he was obligated and yet he did it so adroitly that the other person was at least contented with his refusal how did he do it not by merely talking about the fact that he was too busy and to this and to that no after expressing his appreciation of the invitation and regretting his inability to accept it he suggested a substitute speaker in other words he didn't give the other person any time to feel unhappy about the refusal he immediately changed the other person's thoughts to some other speaker who could accept the invitation gunter schmidt who took our course in west germany told of an employee in the food store he managed who is negligent about putting the proper price tags on the shelves where the items were displayed this caused confusion and customer complaints reminders admonitions confrontations with her about this did not do much good finally mr schmidt called her into his office and told her he was appointing her supervisor of price tag posting for the entire store and she would be responsible for keeping all of the shelves properly tagged this new responsibility and title changed her attitude completely and she fulfilled her duties satisfactorily from then on childish perhaps but that is what they said to napoleon when he created the legion of honor and distributed 15 000 crosses to his soldiers and made 18 of his generals marshals of france and called his troops the grand army napoleon was criticized for giving toys to war-hardened veterans and napoleon replied men are ruled by toys this technique of giving titles and authority worked for napoleon and it will work for you for example a friend of mine mrs ernest gent of scarsdale new york was troubled by boys running across and destroying her lawn she tried criticism she tried coaxing neither worked then she tried giving the worst sinner in the gang a title and a feeling of authority she made him her detective and put him in charge of keeping all trespassers off her lawn that solved her problem her detective built a bonfire in the backyard heated an iron red hot and threatened to brand any boy who stepped on the lawn the effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it's necessary to change attitudes or behavior one be sincere do not promise anything that you cannot deliver forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person two know exactly what it is you want the other person to do three be empathetic ask yourself what it is the other person really wants four consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest five match those benefits to the other person's wants and six when you make your request put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit we could give a curt order like this john we have customers coming in tomorrow and i need the stockroom cleaned out so sweep it out put the stock and neat piles on the shelves and polish the counter or we could express the same idea by showing john the benefits he will get from doing the task john we have a job that should be completed right away if it's done now we won't be faced with it later i'm bringing some customers in tomorrow to show our facilities i'd like to show them the stock room but it is in poor shape if you could sweep it out put the stock in neat piles on the shelves and polish the counter it would make us look efficient and you will have done your part to provide a good company image will john be happy about doing what you suggest probably not very happy but happier than if you had not pointed out the benefits assuming you know that john has pride in the way his stockroom looks and is interested in contributing to the company image he will be more likely to be cooperative it will also have been pointed out to john that the job would have to be done eventually and by doing it now he won't be faced with it later it is naive to believe you will always get a favorable reaction from other persons when you use these approaches but the experience of most people shows that you are more likely to change attitudes this way than by not using these principles and if you increase your successes by even a mere ten percent you have become ten percent more effective as a leader than you were before and that is your benefit people are more likely to do what you would like them to do when you use principle nine make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest in a nutshell be a leader a leader's job often includes changing your people's attitudes and behavior some suggestions to accomplish this principle one begin with praise and honest appreciation principle 2 call attention to people's mistakes indirectly principle 3 talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person principle 4 ask questions instead of giving direct orders principle five let the other person save face principle six praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise principle 7 give the other person a fine reputation to live up to principle 8 use encouragement make the fault seem easy to correct principle 9 make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest [Music] this has been a presentation of simon schuster audio you