In this movie, Patrick Swayze is the greatest bouncer who ever lived. Oh boy! So we open on a bar that's doing well. The Dalton, Patrick Swayze, the greatest bouncer ever that Dalton has fixed up with his amazing bouncing.
And then the guy walks in, this older guy walks in, Dalton is giving himself surgery. What? He got sliced in his bouncing duties.
This guy's such a badass, he sews himself up. And he's like, it's a shitty little town called Jasper, Missouri. I just came into some money. I want to fix this bar I own up. And I hear you're the best.
And I'll give you a bunch of money. Come save my bar. And he's like, okay, I'll do it. And he's like, I'm going to get you a plane ticket. And he says, I don't fly.
What? Because he's the toughest guy ever. And he's afraid of planes. Oh, no. That's so funny that he's like, they make him the biggest badass ever because he's giving himself surgery.
But he's like, I'm going to come to town and I'm going to kick everybody's ass. the only thing is i'm afraid of of planes and i don't like clowns but aside from that i am the baddest mother you'll ever meet also there's a peanut allergy and if you do peekaboo i will shit my pants and then he goes to it's a really small town so he goes to this old farm where this old guy with a big white beard you know sweet guy it's his farm and he has this big beautiful room above the barn or whatever and that's where he's gonna stay While he cleans up the bar. But it's such a small town that the villain of the movie, Brad Wesley, he's this rich old guy who he's ruthless and he owns the town. And it's such a small town that his place just happens to be right across the pond, this little pond from where... Patrick Swayze's thing.
And then, okay, so now he's hired as the cooler. The cooler. The cooler is what you call the head bouncer.
The first work meeting, he's like, you're too violent, you're gone. He's cleaning house. Lady that was selling drugs, you're gone.
There's a famous scene where one of the bartenders or bouncers is fucking a lady in the utility closet. And he says, baby, you're going to be my regular Saturday night thing. Oh, God.
And then the door opens and he goes, you're fired. And he's like, fuck! And then, and this is the pivotal part of the movie, he goes to the guy, the bartender, and he says, you've been stealing money from the cashier.
register you're out too and the bartender's like you know who my uncle is and then he's like i don't give a shit it turns out this guy's uncle is brad wesley the guy who owns the town okay and is very violent oh so his windshield keeps getting busted so he goes to the hard where a store in town and he meets red who was a nice old guy and they get along but then brad wesley is coming in and shaking red down and then there's a famous scene where he's out in the country where his room is and then he's on the grass by the pond and he's doing shirtless sweaty tai chi he's just doing these slow motion movements you know and then they cut to the guy with the big white beard the farmer and the farmer's like why do i rent this room out but then swayze comes back to work now the bartender we he fired his back and he brought goons with him And he's like, guess what? The owner's reconsidered. You don't fire me because my uncle is Brad Wesley, right? And then this starts a fight.
There's a fat guy in suspenders. What? Everyone's got a knife. Swayze gets slashed.
He throws a guy through the window of the office. And then there's a big bar fight, right? So now Swayze got a little cut. And now he goes to the hospital.
Who's at the hospital? beautiful blonde doctor nice love interest and she's like yeah you're you're wow you're such a tough guy you're a big tough guy she's gonna give him anesthetic and he's like i don't want it oh and he said she's like you do you like pain he's like pain don't hurt he's like but if you put on a captain's hat i'm out of here pain don't hurt but i but planes scare the shit out of me oh And here's the point where, I forget the character's name, his mentor, his Mr. Miyagi, the actual greatest bouncer, is Sam Elliott. Oh, shit. Mr. Big, big old mustache himself. Yep.
Sam Elliott. That's pretty good. I can do.
Sam Elliott. What's he say? That's pretty good.
Thanks, man. He calls him Miho. Okay, so we cut to his shitty bar that he's in because he's living the bouncer lifestyle.
It's a wet t-shirt contest. He calls him and he's like, hey, I got a new gig in Jasper, Missouri. And he's like, cool. I guess he realizes he's kind of in some deep shit. So maybe I think he asked him to come help him out.
So it's now Sam Elliott's like, you got yourself into another pickle, brother. You got yourself into another pickle, brother. That's pretty good. Yeah.
When I think of Sam Elliott, I always think that in the movie Mask, no one comments on it, but he comes in being cool. And he's just wearing a t-shirt that says, free mustache rides. And Cher is like, my son is disfigured. So thank you for bringing much... You did levity with your humorous t-shirt.
Bar fight. Swayze has sex with the doctor. Oh.
And this is a very specific thing I've noticed, that I think Swayze choreographs his own sex scenes. Because he started as a dancer. Oh, I didn't know that.
And in every Patrick Swayze movie, he does the same move. I think he does it in Ghost. There are probably other examples, where he always picks the woman up.
He picks the woman up and has sex with her. Well, he's like holding her leg. He's always holding the woman in his arms. He's like big on picking women up.
He only has sex while women are in the air. And then if you think about the end of Dirty Dancing, right? The end of Dirty Dancing is the ultimate picking a woman up in the air.
That movie ends with a woman jumping up in the air, right? You saw that. And he catches her.
And I think he choreographed that. And originally he wanted that to be the sex scene. He wanted her to jump up in the air and land on his penis.
Talk about dirty dancing. Well, he wants to fuck women in the air, but he's afraid of flying. Maybe he's afraid of what he does in the air.
It's like, you get... Wait, you're telling me I'm in a room where all the women are in the air? He's not afraid of planes, he's just not allowed on them.
He's like, if I see a woman in the air, I'm gonna try to fuck her. You're telling me there's 200 women in the air right now? I think they're gonna have the time of their life.
so he's not allowed on planes he's not afraid of them it all makes sense he's on a no-fly list he's not afraid of nothing they just won't let him on planes because he tries to fuck everybody um so elliot comes in the goons show up big fight breaks out just in time for sam Elliot to come in and then he kicks everybody's ass he's like a seven foot tall 80 year old man then the farmer's house blows up Brad Wesley's on a tear he runs in he grabs the old farmer who has a big white beard and he brings him out but the farmer is wearing uh red long johns so he looks like Santa Claus so at this point Patrick Swayze is saving Christmas I think he's been Santa Claus this whole time. People don't talk about how he saves Christmas. Brad Wesley is so... He's like, first he takes on the car dealership.
He blows up the hardware store. Now he's trying to kill old Kris Kringle. He's trying to cancel Christmas. Yeah.
Okay, so then Jimmy. The head henchman. Now he's on like a little ATV thing or whatever.
Those are big. And he's like, I blew up Santa Claus's house. Suck it. So now they have their big fight in the woods.
It's just like a shirtless. I think one of them, I think Swayze's shirtless. They do it. It's so much.
It's just the sound of meat slapping. It's just a sweaty meat slappy good time. It's just they're hitting each other.
This goes on for a long time, right? The. Big line.
This is what makes this movie a masterpiece. At one point, he's hitting him, and Jimmy goes, I used to fuck guys like you in prison. Oh, shit. And you're like, I think I'm watching prison sex now. Yeah.
Like, this is very slappy. Oh, man. If you close your eyes, it's prison sex. So this is the big famous thing. I don't know if you've heard about this.
So then I think he's winning. Then he starts winning. He's getting beat up a bunch.
He starts winning the fight, Swayze. Then now Jimmy takes out a gun. Oh.
So now Swayze has to do his patented move where he grabs the guy's throat and rips it out. Get the fuck out of here. This is he rips his throat out. You haven't heard about this?
No, seriously? He just grabs it and rips it out. Oh, dude.
And then the guy falls in the pond. Basically, he does got your nose. I think the point of this movie is that you just got to let some stuff go.
Like, if you think about it, he caused all of this. Yeah. Like, he ended up ripping a guy's throat out because there was money missing from the register. Like, that was the first thing that happened. He ends up fighting the mob because people were having too much fun at work.
The way Patrick Swayze is acting in this movie seems to make sense because in bars there's, like, fights and nudity and booze. But if he had worked anywhere else... you would have realized he was the problem.
Like if this movie took place in a restaurant, you would realize he was a maniac. If instead of being called Roadhouse, this movie was called The Texas Roadhouse, you'd be like, shift manager Dalton is a fucking maniac. My smoke break went on for too long and he kicked me in the knee.
The past was doing its best. Leave them alone. Leave them alone. Leave them alone. They were doing their best.