Hi! My name is Kasia, and I have un unhealthy obsession with niche facebook groups. And one of them that has a special place in my heart is called I Love My Polish Heritage Group. Why? That's a good question that I should probably save for my next therapy session. Let’s just say it perfectly combines my three very special interests: facebook groups, old people, and my complicated relationship with the culture of the United States of America. I am Polish, as you can probably hear. I was born, grew up and currently live in Poland, which apparently doesn’t come without saying. Not in the United States, at leat, as I realized when I was there for the first time. That’s when my colleague said to me that her friend is also Polish. And only from the context of the conversation was I able to conclude that her friend has, in fact, never been to Poland, nor does she speak the language. Does it make a difference, my colleague asked. Well, it kinda does to me. At first it felt really weird to hear people say “I’m Italian”, “I’m Irish”, “I’m Polish” when what they really meant was “my ancestors came here from:" Nobody really cares that much about their “heritage” or “background” in other parts of the world that I’ve been to. And there are some obvious reasons why. The US is a relatively young country that was formed under… specific set of circumstances (circumstances of sudden and violent colonization)
A lot of American families have a quite recent history of immigration. Arriving at the “new world” those families wanted to preserve and pass on their culture. They often formed tight communities or experienced discrimination from other cultural or ethnic groups. That context makes it very clear why so many Americans still identify with the nationality of their ancestors. The facebook groups they form are typically filled with family recipes or pictures from local festivals or interesting facts about polish culture, for example. You know. It’s usually wholesome content but not always. But usually. So why am I making fun of those people? Am I just mean? Yes. But let’s not forget that some things can be really innocent and really funny at the same time. And that’s… ok. Not everything has to be problematic to be worthy of mockery. I am obviously not punching down here. Because let’s be honest, when somebody asks a question about a very specific polish word and other Americans, instead of asking someone who actually speaks the language, proceed to ...just make shit up - it’s really hard not to laugh. Somewhere on lake Michigan there’s a boat called “WHAT IS THAT”
and I think it’s beautiful. You see, it’s all just a matter of opinion. There is no way of telling how polish words are actually pronounced I think they meant “sowa” which means owl It would be amazing though if they actually went with it and got a tattoo of a fly captioned “owl". For me, the best tattoos are always those that confuse the hell out of everybody. It’s “na zdrowie”, it’s so easy to google, why are they doing this? I could correct them and say it’s Dziękuję, but Ginculla? It just sounds so much better. From now on - it’s ginculla. And by far my favorite are all the variations for the traditional polish dish - Gołąbki. These people are wrong. But it doesn’t mean they are doing something wrong. They think they know how to spell something - they don’t. Not a big deal. I, myself, have probably made a dozen mistakes in this video already. Although I would never argue I would never argue with a native English speaker that my English is better than theirs. Nevermind. It’s fine. It gets a little bit weirder though, when they actually decide to permanently tattoo those words on their body. Lynn. Be... so real with me right now. How many months exactly did it take you to research one word. What ancient grimoirs did you have to recover from the bottom of the ocean? And how.. Did you still… come up with the wrong word?
Sarah. Sarah… just admit it. You thought it meant focus. By the way. The polish emblem - it’s an eagle. Not a falcon. Mr Belaskie… Why did you have to crucify that poor eagle on a sword? And with maple leaves around it? Are canadians coming for us? It’s ok, Barbara, please don’t scream at me.
Why is it so red. Is it burnt? It’s burnt. Ok, we had our fun. But it’s all still fine. It’s their body. They can do whatever they want with it. And they have every right to make fun of me - a white polish girl with a dreamcatcher tattoo. I strongly believe one day I will meet a Native American girl with a matryoshka doll tattoo on her arm. And then we’ll hug. And the world will finally come together. There’s another level to this iceberg however and it’s full of people convinced that they have very famous and very important ancestors. You don’t go through all those ancestry DNA tests just to see, like, twelve generations of peasants, right? Margaret. I don’t know how to tell you this but your surname literally means mason. Your family crest is probably a brick. Or an eye in a triangle. No problem, dude. This guy just googled Crest Wisła. And he just assumed that his family crest... is an emblem of a town called Wisła. Probably the first thing that came up. Michaline. Darling. Since the days of your husband’s Busia we kinda resolved the whole “owning a village” thing. As well as owning people who live in said village. And I was sure that you in America also already dealt with that. You probably start seeing the problem now. The problem with how Americans treat Poland and people from Poland. It really seems to me like they treat Polish people as some kind of “noble savages”. People who used to live simple, but dignified lives until their country disappeared under the ocean like Atlantis, just after World War II. And since then it only exists in the memories of their Busias. Here is, for example, a comment on illiteracy problem in Poland. Do you see what i mean? Potato chips, Michelle. We have potato chips in Poland. Sure, Helen, of course we all know each other. Christine… Are you sure it was Gdańsk? I was about to say yes, Russell. You are the only one. But apparently, he’s not. This is something I actually experienced myself. I once met two American guys at a club in Kraków and they were shocked to hear American music playing there. And Polka is not even Polish, it originated in Czech Republic. I guess it must have been super popular in Poland around the first wave of immigration? But even if it was Polish, the time still passses here. The music still progresses with time. We have Polish pop music. Oh, they didn’t tell you about that Polish athlete on Fox News? I guess it doesn’t count then. Let’s revisit the Atlantis metaphor for a moment. I think the worst part of the “old world” fantasy is the place for Polish people currently living in Poland, now, in that fantasy. They just seem to… ruin it. Especially when they correct someones spelling or question the polishness of their customs. Then it can get ugly. Those… Old Hags indeed make this picture. No, Stacy, it's not written in stone. It’s written... in a dictionary. We all know what polish economy really relies on. And it's... a western tourists smile. It always fascinates me. The way they think speaking more than one language works. Aw, yes. Here we go. The concept of Polish people being… “corrupted” by communism. It seems to be really popular. Oh, sorry, not Polish people. “Inhabitants of Poland”. Yeah, that's... That's great, sure. Why do they always talk about themselves as they are.. .a dog breed? That’s also a facebook group by the way. I don’t know I would just never think of saying “my country” about a place I have never been to.
So, here we are. Polish heritage? Great! Polish people? Better know your place. Let’s be honest, for some of them the “polishness” is just a way to claim an identity other than “white American”. Celebrating being a “white American” is kind of a bad look. Probably because of a long and recent history of white Americans opressing non-white Americans. I feel like a lot of them treat being an American as default. And all the other nationalities as… some kind of weird races in a fantasy setting. Like elves and orcs. Then all these “creatures” came to the Final Land which is America and mixed to create an ultimate human. But you can still see some "foreign blood" in them. I guess. That’s why they looove DNA testing. In their heads it is possible to separate that polish gene in them. And even count how many of them they have inside. But it doesn’t work like that. Do you know that identical twins could send their DNA samples to the same DNA tracing company and receive completely different results? Because I learned that from that article on vox. To understand how that’s possible we need to understand how those tests work. First of all, that they rely heavily on estimates. All of those companies test very specific strands of your DNA, and compare them to the same fragments of DNA from people who already know their ancestry. So we already rely on declarative data. They compare you to people who claim they are Polish. Another thing is, the sample size. It varies drastically depending on the region. Most of the samples come from countries where DNA testing is more popular. And let’s be honest - those tend to be more “white” parts of the world. It’s mostly white people who are obsessed with finding vikings or medieval kings in their family tree. So it’s more likely your sample will match with a sample from those regions. But as DNA testing becomes more and more popular in countries like India or China, in a few years your results will probably be different. That’s why it’s not very wise to get these kinds of tattoos. Another issue is - the process itself. The labs that do the testing claim that their tests are 99,9% accurate. Which sounds impressive. But if you test one million fragments of DNA - that’s 1000 mistakes. And that can affect your results significantly. There’s also an algorithm involved in that process, and that algorithm also operates on estimates. It has to, because the genetic differences between people living in Europe, for example, are, almost non existent. That’s why it’s so confusing for Americans. Let’s say your DNA test says you’re mostly Polish. But your grandma claims to be Lithuanian. And the postcards you found in her attic are in Russian. How to figure it all out in a world where borders and cultures are so fluent? These tests are a good starting point if you want to find out more about your ancestors or find your distant relatives. But I would be very cautious with connecting your national identity… with your genes. For me, nationality, is, above all - the language and cultural codes. Memes. Not genes. It is simply something you cannot express in percentages. I feel like we already tried that other approach in Europe. And it didn’t end well. There’s nothing wrong with exploring the culture of your ancestors, being interested in their language and customs, I don’t even mind if you want to cultivate traditions that only exist in your specific diaspora. And that’s why, Shelly, feel free to dance in your fetus-embroided apron on your wedding day. I don’t care. Just don’t call yourself Polish ever again. Just kidding. You can call yourself whatever you want. Just don’t be surprised if people from other parts of the world are… a little confused.
And just one more thing to end on a high note. The story of I love My Polish Heritage Group would not be complete without Bobert, whose utter disappointment with Poland went kind of viral some time ago on reddit. Since then he became a mascot of some sort, a symbol of all the Polish-Americans, of how they truly perceive Poland. Robert, affectionately called Bobert by my friends on twitter, said the following: Damn, he got us with that one, I'll be honest. This one trip to Kraków turned out to be such a canon event in Bobert's life that it permanently broke something in his psyche, I started to feel sorry for him, I even wanted to make a crowdfunding campaign to bring him back, and give him a proper polish greeting this time, with folk dresses on and bread and vodka and polka dancing… but then, the question of Bobert’s polishness was finally resolved when he asked: I’m sorry Bobert. Your Polak card has has been revoked.