the let them theory has been made Popular by self-help circles there's been poems YouTube videos and most recently Mel Robbins who is a bigname podcaster a very popular in the self-help world has sold a book in the first month alone 1.2 million copies I know a lot of Christians are reading it non-christians and it's giving people a lot of inner freedom but I was thinking about this didn't Jesus come up with the let them Theory I was spending some time in the gospels looking at stories of how he interacted with others and Jesus really did embody the let them Theory but in a different way than how Mel Robbins highlights in her book in this video I'm going to talk about the difference between Mel Robin's book The let them Theory and where it goes sideways versus what God's real invitation is for us as Christians to let people be who they are and stay connected to God's vision for our life of flourishing and his kingdom I just want to read a couple sections from Cassie Phillips poem it's called let them just let them if they want to choose something or someone over you let them if they want to go weeks without talking to you let them if they're okay with never seeing you let them if they are okay with always putting themselves first let them just let them and I think the reason why this poem and then Mel Robin's book resonates with so many people who have struggled with maybe feeling abandoned or feeling like they have these Desires in relationships and people are not connecting with them in love or they're not seeing them because I think our deepest need is to be seen and heard when we're not experiencing that we can feel a whole host of negative uncomfortable emotions people want the permission and need the words to stop chasing other people to stop controlling other people and take their power back and to feel like you're flourishing in your life but how does God invite us to let go or let people live how they are and connect to him to get our deepest needs met Romans 8 says that he will never leave us or forsake us I'm going to talk about what Jesus did first is Jesus never chased after people he invited them he know knew their heart he asked a lot of questions but he never ran after people and forced them to listen to his agenda he just was and he only did what he saw the father doing so that was connected to his mission was he was doing what God was telling him what God was doing in his life he was connected to God in a deep intimate way through the spirit versus looking to people to manage his selfworth to validate or meet his deepest needs and when we do that we can get into a self sabotaging cycle with people who don't maybe care about us or who don't treat us with respect and that can lead us feeling very stuck angry and hurt and we want permission to let them go and connect to the our real source of love and power which is the spirit of God the first story I want to talk about is from Mark 10 17- 22 and this is the Rich Young Ruler we all have probably heard this story before but what does the Rich Young Ruler do it comes up to Jesus and says how can I inherit eternal life and then Jesus gives them the list of well who can keep all these Commandments and the Rich Young Ruler says but I did all of that and so Jesus says because he knew his heart and he knew that his possessions owned him he said well sell everything you have and come follow me essentially I'm paraphrasing and the Rich Young Ruler went away very sad because he had a lot of wealth and it's not about having wealth or not but it's the fact is that his possessions owned him and what did Jesus do did Jesus ran after him and said no no no no you don't understand I have so much more to offer you you need to go to therapy and deal with your obsession with security he didn't say that now obviously the scriptures do not write everything I like to hope that he came around some other time in the gospels but we don't know Jesus answering a question revealing what was in his heart and he left and Jesus didn't follow him he allows people to be where they are to be where they are and he doesn't chase after them the second place is Matthew 14 28-31 when Peter walks on the Water Peter in all of his courage sees Jesus walking on the water ask Jesus to let him come meet him he does walk on water with Jesus but then doubts come in he sees the waves and he goes to fall did Jesus tell him no Peter you're going to come out and you're going to be afraid and he gives him the Five Point steps to actually continue in faith he doesn't he allows Peter to be where he is spiritually developmentally and he allows his emotions to be present and then Peter sank what was important about that is Jesus allowed Peter to have his experience wisdom grows in our souls in our lives when we experience when we experience failures our setbacks hurts and heartaches and that's not because it's so good that we experience those but those can be our greatest teachers and Jesus knows that and he doesn't rescue us from our experiences he allows us to fail he allows us to drop the ball so that we can get the feedback to know where our soul is and he deeply loves us we see Jesus extending his hand to Peter to say I've got you and to allow him to continue to grow in faith God knows where we are in our process and he doesn't Rush us or shovel for us my favorite quote from St Augustine one of my favorite quotes is without God we cannot without us God will not because it's a relational Dynamic if God just forced you to do something relationally if he just forced you to love him that wouldn't be love it would be circumventing human free will there's a lot of theology in there that we don't have time to unpack he invites he Woos us and he initiates at the same time wants us to respond to him and he lets us be where we are the last one is he allowed Judas to betray him he allowed Judas who walked with him for at least three years I don't know how long Judas was with him but he allowed Judas to betray him why because Jesus was aware that this was part of God's plan and his mission in the world and even though Judas disrespected him treated him horribly sold him out betrayed him and felt utterly abandoned by one of his closest friends he let him because he only did what he saw the father was doing and he knew that Judas was part of that plan or part of that experience now I'm not saying people treating you a certain way is part of God's plan and we need to be martyrs no that's not what I'm saying these are just examples of Jesus being connected to real human process accepting people where they are and loving them letting them be where they are and at the same time being connected to his purpose vocation and loving people even if that meant letting them walk away letting them hurt and betray him because he knew what he was doing because his power ultimately was from God and he didn't need human validation and the difference between Mel Robin's vision of let them or popular self-help circles it all about preserving your peace and not controlling others so that you can have an inner experience about self-preservation but Jesus's vision of a let them theory is rooted in a deep intimate Trust of God that he didn't have his selfworth or his identity attached to anyone else's vision of him so that he could speak truth he didn't have to judge anyone for their sin even though he technically had the power because he was perfect but he didn't we see the example when the woman caught in adultery with the um Pharisees chanting to Stone her he chose to not use his power he had ultimate meekness which is power under restraint and so using the let them Theory as a Christian is connecting to our deep trust in God to allow people to be where they are and to know that they have things going on in their life that have nothing to do with us and when we can let them we can then make decisions on how to invest in the relationship whether that means we need to ask for something whether that means we need to set boundaries like Mel Robbins in her book talks a lot about if they disrespect you maybe walk away at the same time if they disrespect you maybe there's something going on deeply that we can ask them questions or love them another thing she said in her book is to not enable bad behavior when a relationship has toxicity don't encourage it or don't just tolerate it but actually set boundaries and we see Jesus do this all this time Jesus would even limit Peter when he says Get Behind Me Satan when who's totally missing Jesus's vision for the kingdom of God so we see Jesus not enable bad behavior but he loves them right where they are and letting people be who they are and where they are is loving at the same time we don't enable bad behavior we don't just put up with disrespect and become abused we don't nurture destructive relationships we say no because if we do that we're actually not loving a person if someone is being disrespectful continuously it's not loving them to allow them to keep doing that that's not good for their character they're going to hurt themselves and other people how do we actually embody Lan Theory one is we can detach from other people's views of ourselves we can let go of control trying to control someone else and how they respond to us they're going to respond how they're going to respond and how you respond is what's in your control being a steward of your own body and your own reactions your own triggers and sensitive areas in your soul that is where we have power to control and so we can practice the let them Theory by not putting our power over on somebody else and chasing after them but by caring for our own soul we also can let people be wherever they are when we are really clear about our purpose and vocation not everyone's going with us on the same Journey not everyone in our church is going to agree with us even our spouses sometimes so how do we let people be where they are and continue to stay connected to God's purpose and vision for your life or what he's doing in and through the world Jesus wasn't accepted by by everyone if everyone speaks well of you then you're probably doing something wrong you're probably lying to yourself if you have an opinion or a belief or a way of life that someone doesn't agree with I mean unless it's totally off the rails you need to have your community to walk with you and to reflect and give you feedback if you want to keep growing and live honestly at the same time some people are not going to like what you're doing and you can let them have that opinion and you can reflect and go to God and go to your community that you trust and say am I living with Integrity here when we're living with integrity people then reject us we can let people have their opinions and experiences the next one is letting people choose their own path I have countless times open up to someone at church or in small groups about what I'm doing just to have someone give me advice or say you should do this without even asking me what I have done what my story is or even if I need advice maybe I just want to be heard and seen and so to practice using the let them theory in a healthy way is to listen and ask questions and to not give advice or when you have advice and you think it might be appropriate to say hey I have a thought about that are you open to hear it because any unsolicited advice can be perceived as criticism when someone's criticized shame or U defense comes up and then you're not accessing someone's heart don't give advice unless someone asks it of you or be sensitive to if it brings up shame in their life if they cut off or or resist it and then the fourth thing is allowing God to do what God needs to do in someone's life you are not their savior you are not a mar harder you do not need to develop somebody's character really assess Your Role what is God calling me to do or how to be in this relationship and that'll give you a lot of freedom and discernment to know am I trying to control this or am I letting them be who they are and allowing God to do the things in his in their life that he needs to do so I'm curious have you read the book what are your thoughts on this what other examples have you seen um Jesus use the let them the and also if you made it to the end of this video great I do have a free Master Class down below to um teach you what it means to really flourish in God in all areas of your life so if you're interested don't forget to grab that free master class and I will see you in the next video