no matter how great your wedding script is it can be absolutely paralyzing your fear of making a mistake when you're officiating the ceremony and basically messing up the whole wedding and why are you so worried about making a mistake it's because you're a good and decent person officiating a wedding is not like some solo presentation where you get on stage and if you tank it's all on you and you can just bear that on your shoulders officiating a wedding is all about the couple and there's this sense that with all the flowers and grandmas and bowties and drapery this is a really momentous occasion and any mistake you make gets thrown on to the couple it reflects poorly on them and embarrasses them in front of all their guests and that's way worse than messing up yourself all alone on a stage somewhere and it's not just that add to that pressure the sense that what if somebody else makes a mistake what do I do then well then it reflects on me is the officiant right I got to say something I'm left holding on the bag and if I don't say the right thing or handle that mistake properly then it reflects on the couple it's like trickle down mistake anomic s'what are you supposed to do you know what it's all way too much how do you get out of bed on the morning of the wedding I'm mark Alyn girl Oh a book solid full time wedding officiant let me tell you after years of officiating hundreds of weddings I've developed a kind of three-part hack for myself that I want to share with you that safeguards against that feeling that the wedding officiant has to be absolutely perfect and the ceremony has to be absolutely flawless or else everything is going to be ruined and yes this comes after making my fair share of mistakes and learning from them and that's what I want to share with you go into your next wedding ceremony with these three hacks at the ready these three strategies in your pocket and you will absolutely take the pressure off yourself you'll be able to officiate a fun and relaxed ceremony and everyone will thank you okay so let's get right to it hack number one for conquering your fear of wedding ceremony mistakes is start by giving the wedding party a pep talk give the wedding party a pep talk the most nerve-wracking part of the ceremony may be of the entire wedding day is by far just a couple of minutes before the ceremony starts everyone who's gonna be walking down the aisle is lined up at the back behind the closed doors or around the corner and the jitters are just at a hundred percent the nerve level is DEFCON 1 and everyone is wound up tight as a drum what is everyone so worried about they're worried about messing up making a mistake tripping falling missing a cue there's a simple way to make sure that if anyone messes up during the ceremony the actual wedding parties are the biggest cheerleader the ones who are basically going to stay with their eyes with their body language with their demeanor with their chuckles hey it's all okay we're in this together nobody was scandalized by something that goes out of order how do we achieve this we achieve this with this pre ceremony right before we head down the aisle pep talk I never start a wedding ceremony without the pep talk it's become one of the highlights of the day for the couple and for the bridesmaids and groomsmen a lot of the time I'll get emails after a ceremony not just commending me on a great ceremony but also saying that pep-talk was so helpful it calmed our jitters and galvanized us made us feel like we're on a team thanks so much for doing that minutes before the ceremony when we were all so wound up so essentially we're rallying the troops right before this big main event were basically William Wallace only slightly less sticky [Music] now he's shouting about dying and freedom and Scottish phrases what do we say as wedding officiants to the wedding party before we head into the wedding ceremony it only takes a minute here's exactly what I do and say I go back there where everybody is waiting and we're talking the couple the parents the bridesmaids the groomsmen the kids the animals anybody who is gonna walk down the aisle and say could I just have your attention for just a quick moment before we get started here just a couple of things I want to say I say listen I understand we're all nervous we're all jittery we're all pretty ratcheted up right now and yes you'll get a course of unanimous heads nodding and people saying yeah uh-huh that's for sure but then I'll say and this is the important turn I'll say we have practiced we have rehearsed we have done everything in our control to make sure this goes as smoothly as possible right there's nothing more we can do and again yeah uh-huh everybody's on board with that and then I'll say but if something happens out there beyond our control anything can happen out there something could fall over somebody could fall over somebody could miss a cue there's usually a bit of chuckling around that because everyone's hoping it's not me but I say if something like that happens it's not in our control but the one thing we can control is how we respond to that and so I'm asking you to be team bride team groom here if something does happen don't be scandalized by don't be uptight by it because basically the wedding guests in that room whether it's 20 people or 200 people you say the wedding guests are looking to us we are essentially the hosts of the wedding they're looking to our behavior so if something unexpected happens a glass candle holder falls over and shatters in the aisle if we get uptight scandalized it in our minds we think this bit there goes the ceremony it's ruined then that will translate to the guest they'll feel that and they'll start to adopt that same emotion but if we take it in stride kick the glass aside chuckle whatever just really take it calmly and well and show that this this is not a big deal then the guests again are gonna feel that too and then I am with this so let's be great hosts because no matter what happens out there in the next half hour in the ceremony this day is ultimately about getting these two married and we want to have fun we want to celebrate that can start right now so let's get out there let's be great hosts because at the end of the day no matter what happens these two are gonna be married and we are gonna party are you with me are you ready let's do this are we together in this everybody cheers and shouts and all the nerves kind of wash away they dislike dissolve and everyone's ready to go in there and have a great time William freakin Wallace I kid you not [Music] the great thing about this little pep talk is it takes the wedding parties from clenched jaw with anxiety to cheering with excitement the better thing about it is that the couple agrees with absolutely everything you said you've cast this wonderful vision of relaxed and having fun and the best thing about it though is now that if we mess up or somebody else messes up nobody's gonna have a cow the couple's not gonna have a cow the bridal party the groomsmen the parents because we are all in this together we are all on the same team all right let's get right to hack number two hack number two for conquering your fear of wedding ceremony mistakes is get the guests on your side get the guests on your side well now with the wedding party all pumped and ready to come out it's time for the wedding officiant to take the front and kick this thing off and what we're gonna do before we start the kind of processional uptight part of the ceremony is we're gonna have a moment with the guests it's kind of like at a concert the main act has an opening band or in stand-up comedy the headliner has an opening act well here in a wedding the officiant is essentially opening for the couple and warming up the friends and family and what you're really doing while you're doing that is getting all the guests on your side there's some research in psychology that says that in the first five minutes people take a thin slice what they observe about you and they kind of decide what they feel about you and act on how to behave well you're gonna take that five minutes in front of the guests friends and family and you're going to show them guide them into how to behave in this wedding ceremony and basically you want it to be fun and relaxed and very human as we do this wonderful thing for this couple who's in love remember our aim here is to make the room a less terrifying place if somebody were to make a mistake us included or somebody else so we need to give the guests the right cues to make this room that kind of place so let's say we kick off the ceremony by walking up there and saying good afternoon everyone welcome to the wedding of Greg and Susan this is a momentous occasion we're going to have a beautiful time please turn off your cell phones and let's begin what did guests get from that they didn't get that this is fun and relaxing that's for sure in fact what they did get from that was tense I feel tense and now I'm even more tense and basically their fishing is kind of acting like yes everyone tremble before me because this is the most momentous of occasions that's not going to help us or them or anybody else there's a simple way to loosen guests up so that if we make a mistake up there or somebody else and this is their cue or something during the ceremony they are very forgiving and basically the way to do that the way to achieve that is to have a little bit of fun with the guests before the processional starts before the ceremony starts so here's how I do that I walk up typically and I turn around and I say to everyone good afternoon everyone and of course a couple of people might say good afternoon because they don't know what to do and then I have a little fun I say oh come on now I know the couple want you to be a lot more rowdy than that let's try that again good afternoon everyone and they cheer back immediately good afternoon and all that tension that energy the negative energy that was in the room gets converted into positive energy and they're shouting back at you and people are smiling and then I follow up immediately with another question I say are you ready for an event years in the making Susan and Greg are here too to finally get married and again everybody cheers cuz they're all happy to be there and what we've done immediately is gotten everybody warm and enthusiastic and given them permission to be themselves then I follow up immediately by introducing myself and saying something very important I say oh it's good to see you my name is Mark it's my thrill to officiate the ceremony today we are going to have a lot of fun today but before we get to that I just have a few announcements to make and so my remarks are about phones turn off your phones whether or not they can take photos but did you see how I said we are going to have a lot of fun today I'm basically putting it in their heads the idea that hey guess what the ceremony is gonna be fun we just showed you that we're gonna have fun and you're giving the guests those mental and physical behavioral cues that this is gonna be a good time so in the same way we had a little huddle before the ceremony with the wedding party as a couple everyone's who's going to come in now we're essentially having a little private huddle with the wedding guests sometimes the groom is out there with me when I do this or the groomsmen but essentially we're having a moment before we start getting everybody on our side so then we make the necessary announcements about phones and cameras and once all that stuff is done then I always wrap up this opening remarks section by saying okay with all that out of the way are you raised should we get these two hits you want to get to it and again everybody shows yeah let's get to it and then we begin so now we've got the wedding parties on our side and the family we've got the wedding guests on our side and it's starting to feel like everyone is on the same team and wants the absolute best for each other and it's a wonderful room instead of an uptight place where you can't make a mistake let's get to the third hack that will finally quell that little voice once and for all that little voice in your head that's saying you better not make a mistake or the whole thing is ruined hack number three is don't do nothing when a mistake happens officiate enough weddings and you'll see all sorts of things go quote-unquote wrong in the ceremony I've seen a bride get to the back of the aisle and the processional and not be able to walk because her dress was too long in the front I've seen candleholders fall over and shower glass all over into the aisle twice I've seen the mother of the bride have a heat stroke I've seen the mic melt down and his static twice I have seen the wedding processional start to play backwards cuz the DJ messed something up I've seen the best man drop the ring and then dropped the other ring I've seen a baby crying non-stop through the ceremony I have seen a dad wipe out on his daughter's dress and fall into the seats I have seen the bridesmaids heels punched so many holes in the aisle runner that by the time the bride had her turn the thing looked like a cheese grater in each of those cases I had to make a judgment call about what to say and do or not say and do but the key in each case was this do something sometimes it's best to signal to someone to take care of something so in the case where the aisle runner was completely shot to ribbons by the time the bride was about to take her turn down the aisle I looked over to the wedding planner and gave her a nod and she knew exactly what to do she sprang into action removed the runner and I said something like well there that's better and everyone kind of giggled and the bride way down at the other end of the aisle gave me a very grateful smile that we allowed for that to happen other times I just assured the person that it was okay whatever was happening so in the case where the bride was at the end of the aisle and she couldn't take another step because her dress was too long I just said something like take all the time you need it's your day and everyone chuckled and she did too and then some ladies sprang into action they lifted up the front for her and helped her down the aisle when the tall glass candle holder that was in the aisle tipped over at some point during the ceremony somebody knocked it over I don't know but it was tall and it's and showered glass all down the aisle right in the middle of the ceremony I of course I made a big scene and I just acknowledged that I said oh that's exactly what we planned because immediately following the ceremony the couple will be planning the very sacred glass walking ritual of course everyone laughed and the wedding planners swooped in with brooms to quickly sweep it up they they use that moment as their cue to get rid of it in a way that wasn't disturbing I made a different call in each situation but the important thing is and I'll stress this again don't do nothing when something unexpected happens you've got to do something and that's either gonna be one of three things one it's going to either be a signal for support two it's going to be to assure the person that whatever is happening it's okay or three it's going to be to make a humorous comment to take the tension out of the situation so how do we know what to do when is there some kind of rubric that we can consult so we know what's the best thing to do in whatever situation well it might not be that cut and dried but there are some helpful guidelines so first of all if it's a logistical issue or problem or something that went awry if there is a planner or something somebody acting like a planner you're gonna want to give them a nod or gesture to that thing make eye contact with them and essentially give them permission to take care of the problem that's typically all they need they just don't want to disturb or interrupt but when you give them permission to do so with a verbal cue eye contact a gesture they usually spring right into action and take care of it so that whatever is going on in the ceremony can continue to happen and they don't feel like they're intruding or ruining what's happening up there so with regards to actually making a comment here's a good general rule if making a comment is going to make somebody feel worse about what happened don't make a comment but on the other hand if not making a comment is going to really make the person feel extra embarrassed about the thing that happened and a comment will actually help mitigate that then it's a good time to say something and here's the good news because of that work we did in the pep talk before the ceremony with the wedding party at the back in private everyone is going to be a little bit more relaxed and a little bit more affable when something does happen so that goes a long way to making them feel better if they do make a mistake sometimes the proper well-timed comment from the wedding officiant can give everyone the permission they need in the moment to laugh in an otherwise super uncomfortable situation one neuroscientist describes laughter as quote a signal to ourselves and others that what may appear dangerous or threatening actually isn't I can't think of a more apropos description of what's going on in a wedding ceremony and our role as wedding officiants in that we may need to signal to all the guests everyone in the room that what may appear dangerous or threatening actually isn't you don't have to be a comic but simply calling out what happened when it happens in the ceremony might be the release valve that everyone needs so you might want to have some quips at the ready for some things that frequently happen in wedding ceremonies that are unexpected so for example for a baby incessantly crying and to the point where it's raising eyebrows and people are looking over you might want to say something like isn't it lovely when people cry at weddings for a groomsmen dropping the ring or doing something that they've caught themselves and they acknowledge they seem to acknowledge that they've messed up you can say something like perfect Josh just like we practiced you're doing great that type of thing it's a good release laughs for somebody tripping and awkwardly stepping this way and that you can say something like save the dancing for the reception Cindy just another couple of hours to wait we'll get there if something falls over or breaks you can say something like we spared no expense for that effect I'm glad we pulled it off so maybe you don't find those all that funny maybe you think you could improve on them that's excellent just jog your mind for some of those unexpected events so that not only are you not terrified that something unexpected might happen in the ceremony but you're also kind of looking forward to it so you can trot out those lines that you've prepared for so we're just about done here but maybe you're thinking sure mark oh that's great but all your examples are when other people mess up what happens when I mess up what then well I got a good news for you because if you mess up it's even a lesser deal you can just say something straightforward like well I seem to be having trouble speaking today or you can say something generically funny you're like well this is awkward or you can just make a funny quip about the thing you actually said the weird thing that came up it came out of your mouth if you mess up the bride's name you could say something like Who am I where am i again something like that and you'll bring levity to the situation essentially you deal with your own mistakes the same way you deal with any other mistakes hope you're getting it by now don't ignore it don't pretend it didn't happen name it have a chuckle and move on as quickly as you can ultimately observing and making mistakes along the way is key to becoming a better wedding officiant there's nothing to fear about that process making a mistake is nothing to be terrified about especially when you have prepared such a friendly room the guests the wedding party the couple and everyone's on the same team because of the atmosphere you have created there you go I hope this video was helpful like the video if it was leave a comment down below I always read and reply to your wonderful comments and of course don't forget to subscribe to this channel so you never miss a video about how to officiate a wedding see you in the next one