Now, if you've been waiting to hear back from the Vatican about that resume you sent in, bad news. The position has been filled. And I think we see it. Sorry. There we go. It certainly looks like smoke and white smoke. We have smoke. And it is white smoke. There would appear to be a white smoke. White smoke. We have a pope. We are watching and everyone to breathe it in. The white smoke. Breathe it in. I didn't know we were supposed to hot box the pope smoke. But white smoke means there's a new pope. And way do you get a load of where he came from? History at the Vatican. The first ever American pope. Holy We have the first American pope. And let me just say, as an American, are you sure about this? We don't really have the graitas that you associate with popiness. We're less somber procession and more monster truck rally. I just think it's a little bit weird that the holiest man in the world probably knows all the words to the Chile's baby back rib song. Kind of weird. In fact, I was trying to come up with a way to explain why the idea of an American pope feels like such a contradiction. But I think the way the news broke here kind of sums it up. What is going on here? Your son was sleeping with your fiance and your fiance was sleeping with your son. That is correct. When I found that out, I confronted Andrea. She This is a Fox News special report. Wait, what happened with Andrea? Go back to the gross love triangle. I love that stuff. But the votes are counted and the Vatican doesn't have a January 6, so there's no going back. Let's find out more about this American pope. Excuse me, Pope Americano. Born in 1955 in Chicago, Robert Francis Pvost has been a Cardinal for only two years. He's big into tennis. He's affectionately known as Father Bob. A Cubs fan who loves to cook. Italian media has referred to him as the least American of the Americans because of his quiet, humble way. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So, you're telling me that you think all Americans are loudmouthed jackasses? Well, you. Humble. Humble. I'm the most humble you've ever seen. But let's get back to the Pope. Of course, the first job of every new pope is to pick a pope name, which we all know is supposed to be the name of your first pet in the street you grew up on. But he went a different way. Robert Francis Pvost of Chicago taking on the name of Pope Leo I 14th. Leo I 14th. Did he choose it the way we pick a new email address? Desi. Is taken? Okay. What about Desi 2? Really? Three? Really? Four? Fine. Desi. 14. But yes, Robert Pos's new name is Leo the 14th, which sucks for him because he just got his real ID. Dang it. Now, I've I've always found this odd. The church is so conservative on gay issues, but then they turn around and make its leader choose a drag name. And make it quick, we got to get you to your gown fitting. You're going to look so fierce. But after he picked his pope name, he came out and gave his first speech in both Italian and Spanish about the need for unity and peace on earth. So cue peace and unity in three, two, one. And I would have loved for the first pope from America to say something in English. I was a little surprised that a Chicago native did not say a few words in English. He's talking Spanish. He's an American and he didn't even speak in English. spoken Latin, Spanish, and Italian. Did not speak English. He did not speak in English. I mean, I don't know how you claim that this is an American pope if he won't even speak in his native tongue. That that to me was very disturbing. Yes. Yes. How dare you? If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for the Pope. Shame. Shame on you. Come on. Does it really matter what language he speaks? It's church. You're going to be sleeping through it anyway. And besides, there's going to be plenty of other stuff for conservatives to throw a tantrum about. There's some tweets that um when the Pope was still a cardinal that are getting a lot of attention online that are politically charged. This one is directly um rebuking JD Vance. The new pope Pio the 14th said JD Vance is wrong. The new pope is not like JD Vance. He really is an everyday American. Be careful though, father. If you piss off JD Vance, he's going to pay you a visit. We don't want that. For more on the new pope, let's go to the Vatican with Michael Costa. Michael, what's your analysis? I'll tell you my analysis. USA. USA. USA. Amen. [Applause] Hey, I take it. You're excited. The Pope is American. Is the Pope Catholic and American? Yep. We won the conclave, baby. Suck it, rest of the world. Woo! The Pope's from Chicago, America's number one city in terms of mustard consumption. Now, let's shotgun this communion wine. Hells yeah. Body of Christ to calm down. I don't think it was a competition between countries. Oh, sure. Now that we won, they'll say it wasn't a competition. They said we couldn't do it. They said our Cardinal roster didn't have the depth that we'd have to rebuild for years before we got a pope. Well, guess who's kissing our ring now, mother? Okay. Yeah. Hey, Cardinal Mateo Zupi, tell me how my ass tastes. Michael, you're at the Vatican. Stop swearing. Oh, you're right. Uh, my bad. So, sorry. I'm so pumped. I'm so pumped. Are you even Catholic? Am I Catholic? No, I'm not. But I'm American. Okay. Which means I get really excited when we win stuff. Conclaves, space races, Toyota thons, Academy Awards. Hey, Bong Jun Ho, tell me how my ass tastes. All right. Look, I I appreciate your patriotism, but this could have been a chance to have a pope from under reppresented countries. There's never been a pope from Africa or Asia. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, there's never else you know where else there hasn't been a pope before today? America. Okay. And and what country is less represented on the world stage than America? Do you know there's never been an American queen of England? Think about that. Okay. Can you actually give me some analysis here? What is Pope Leo going to bring to the papacy? Yeah. Well, you know, the Pope has very important responsibilities. He's got that hat. He rides in that car that you can see through. He's got that magic scepter and he's like, "You shall not pass." Kasa Kasa, that's Gandalf. You don't know anything about the papacy, much less what an American will bring to it. Look, I I I don't know what he's going to bring to the papacy. But the thing about us Americans is that we're not sticklers for the rules. So, it'll be nice to have a pope who's not going to be a hard ass for every single little commandment, you know? I mean, this whole can't say the Lord's name in vain. Jesus Christ. Give me a break. Michael, stop swearing. Debbie, stop it. Who cares? Okay, I'm getting into heaven no matter what. You want to know why? Because I know a guy. All right. All right. Michael Per everybody. [Music]