the celebrated jumping frog of calaveras county by mark twain this is a librivox recording all librivox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit librivox.org the celebrated jumping frog of calaveras county by mark twain 1835-1910 from the saturday press november 18 1865 republished in the celebrated jumping frog of calaveras county and other sketches 1867 by mark twain all of whose works are published by harper and brothers in compliance with the request of a friend of mine who wrote me from the east i called on good-natured garrulous old simon wheeler and inquired after my friend's friend leonidas w smiley as requested to do and i hereunto append the result i have a lurking suspicion that leonidas w smiley is a myth and that my friend never knew such a personage and that he only conjectured that if i asked old wheeler about him it would remind him of his infamous gym smiley and he would go to work and bore me to death with some exasperating reminiscence of him as long and as tedious as it should be useless to me if that was the design it succeeded i found simon wheeler dozing comfortably by the bar room stove of the dilapidated tavern in the decaying mining camp of angels and i noticed that he was fat and bald-headed and had an expression of weaning gentleness and simplicity upon his tranquil countenance he roused up and gave me good day i told him a friend had commissioned me to make some inquiries about a cherished companion of his boyhood named leonidas w smiley reverend leonidas w smiley a young minister of the gospel who he had heard was at one time a resident of angel's camp i added that if mr wheeler could tell me anything about this reverend leonidas w smiley i would feel under many obligations to him simon wheeler backed me into a corner and blockaded me there with his chair and then sat down and reeled off the monotonous narrative which follows this paragraph he never smiled he never frowned he never changed his voice from the gentle flowing key to which he tuned his initial sentence he never betrayed the slightest suspicion of enthusiasm but all through the interminable narrative there ran a vein of impressive earnestness and sincerity which showed me plainly that so far from his imagining that there was anything ridiculous or funny about his story he regarded it as a really important matter and admired its two heroes as men of transcendent genius in finesse i let him go on in his own way and never interrupted him once reverend leonidas w hmm reverend lee well there was a feller here once by the name of jim smiley in the winter of 49 or maybe it was the spring of 50 i don't recollect exactly somehow though what makes me think it was one or the other is because i remember the big flume wasn't finished when he first came to the camp but anyway he was the curiousest man about always betting on anything that turned up you ever see if he could get anybody to bet on the other side and if he couldn't he'd change sides anyway that suited the other man would suit him anyway just so he got a bet he was satisfied but still he was lucky uncommonly lucky he must always come out winner he was always ready and laying for a chance there couldn't be no solitary thing mentioned but that fellered offered a bet on it and take any side you please as i was just telling you if there was a horse race you'd find him flush or you'd find him busted at the end of it if there was a dog fight he'd bet on it if there was a cat fight he'd bet on it if there was a chicken fight he'd bet on it why if there was two birds sitting on a fence he would bet you which one would fly first or if there was a camp meeting he would be there regular to bet on parson walker which he judged to be the best exhorter about here and he was too and a good man if he even see a straddlebug start to go anywheres he would bet you how long it would take him to get to to wherever he was going to and if he took him up he would follow that straddle bug to mexico but what he would find out where he was bound for and how long he was on the road lots of the boys here has seen that smiley and can tell you about him why it never made no difference to him he'd bet on anything the dangest feller parson walker's wife laid very sick once for a good while and it seemed as if they weren't going to save her but one morning he came in and smiley up and asked him how she was and he said she was considerable better thank the lord for his infinite mercy and coming on so smart that with the blessing of providence she'd get well yet and smiley before he thought says well i'll risk two and a half she don't anyway this year smiley had a mare the boys called her the 15 minute nag but that was only in fun you know because of course she was faster than that and he used to win money on that horse for all she was so slow and always had the asthma or the distemper or the consumption or something of that kind they used to give her two or three hundred yards start and then pass her underway but always at the end of the race she'd get excited and desperate-like and come cavorting and straddling up and scattering her legs around limber sometimes in the air and sometimes out to one side amongst the fences and kicking up more dust and raising more racket with her coughing and sneezing and blowing her nose and always fetch up at the stand just about a neck ahead as near as you could cipher it down and he had a little small bull pup that to look at him you'd think he weren't worth a cent but to set around and look ornery and lay for a chance to steal something but as soon as money was up on him he was a different dog his under jawed began to stick out like the foxel of a steamboat and his teeth would uncover and shine like the furnaces and a dog might tackle him and bully rag him and bite him and throw him over his shoulder two or three times and andrew jackson which was the name of the pup andrew jackson would never let on but what he was satisfied and hadn't expected nothing else and the bets being doubled and doubled on the other side all the time till the money was all up and then all of a sudden he would grab that other dog just by the joint of his hind leg and freeze to it not cha you understand but only just grip and hang on till they throwed up the sponge if it was a year smiley always come out a winner on that pup till he harnessed a dog once that didn't have no hind legs because they'd been sawed off in a circular saw and when the thing had gone along far enough and the money was all up and he come to make a snatch for his pet holt he see in a minute how he'd been imposed on and how the other dog had him in the door so to speak and he appeared surprised and then he looked sort of discouraged like and didn't try no more to win the fight and so he got shucked out bad he gave smiley a look as much as to say his heart was broke and it was his fault for putting up a dog that had no hind legs for him to take hold of which was his main dependence in a fight and then he limped off a piece and laid down and died it was a good pup was that andrew jackson and would have made a name for herself if he'd lived for the stuff was in him and he had genius i know it because he had no opportunities to speak of and i don't stand to reason that a dog could make such a fight as he could under them circumstances if he hadn't no talent it always makes me feel sorry when i think of that last fight of his and the way it turned out well this year smiley had rat terriers and chicken and tom cats and all of them kind of things till you couldn't rest and you couldn't fetch nothing for him to bet on but he'd match you he catched a frog one day and took him home said he'd calculated to educate him and so he never done nothing for three months but sat in his backyard and learned that frog to jump and you bet he did learn him too he'd give him a little punch behind and the next minute you'd see that frog whirling in the air like a donut see him turn one summer set or maybe a couple if he got a good start and come down flat-footed and all right like a cat he got him up so in the matter of catching flies and kept him in practice so constant that he'd nail a fly every time as far as he could see him smiley said all a frog wanted was education and he could do most anything and i believe him why i've seen him set daniel webster down here on this floor daniel webster was the name of the frog and sing out flies daniel flies and quicker and you could wink he'd spring straight up and snake a fly off on the counter there and flop down on the floor again as solid as a gob of mud and fall to scratching the side of his head with his hind foot as indifferent as if he hadn't no idea he'd been doing any more and a frog might do you never see a frog so modest and straightforward as he was for all he was so gifted and when it come to fair and square jumping on a dead level he could get over more ground at one straddle than any animal of his breed you ever see jumping on a dead level was his strong suit you understand and when it come to that smiley would ante up money on him as long as he had a red smiley was monstrous proud of his frog and well he might be for fellers that had traveled and been everywhere all said he laid over any frog that ever they see well smiley kept the beast in a little lattice box and he used to fetch him downtown sometimes and lay for a bet one day a feller a stranger in the camp he was come across him with his box and says what might be that you've got in the box and smiley says sort of indifferent like it might be a parrot or it might be a canary maybe but it ain't it's only just a frog and the feller took it and looked at it careful and turned it round this way and that and says hmm so tis well what's he good for well smiley says easy and careless he is good enough for one thing i should judge he can out-jump any frog in calaveras county the feller took the box again and took another long particular look and gave it back to smiley and says very deliberate well he says i don't see no pints about that frog that's any better than any other frog maybe you don't smiley says maybe you understand frogs and maybe you don't understand him maybe you've had experience and maybe you ain't only an amateur as it were anyways i've got my opinion and i'll risk forty dollars that he can out jump any frog in calaveras county and the feller studied a minute and then says kind of sad like well i'm only a stranger here and i ain't got no frog but if i had a frog i'd bet you and then smiley says that's alright that's alright if you'll hold my box a minute i'll go and get you a frog and so the feller took the box and put up his 40 dollars along with smiley's and set down to wait so he sat there a good while thinking and thinking to himself and then he got the frog out and prised his mouth open and took a teaspoon and filled him full of quail shot filled him pretty near up to his chin and set him on the floor smiley he went to the swamp and slopped around in the mud for a long time and finally he catched a frog and fetched him in and gave him to this feller and he says now if you're ready set him alongside of daniel with his four paws just even with daniels and i'll give the word then he says one two three get and him and the feller touched up the frogs from behind and the new frog hopped off lively but dan will give a heave and heisted up his shoulders so like a frenchman but it war no use he couldn't budge he was planted as solid as a church and he couldn't no more stir than if he was anchored out smiley was a good deal surprised and he was disgusted too but he didn't have no idea what the matter was of course the feller took the money and started away and when he was going out at the door he sort of jerked his thumb over his shoulder so at daniel and says again very deliberate well he says i don't see no points about that frog that's any better than any other frog smiley he stood scratching his head and looking down at daniel a long time and at last says i do wonder what in the nation that frog throw it off for i wonder if there ain't something the matter with him he appears to look mighty baggy somehow and he catched daniel up by the nap of the neck and hefted him and says why blame my cats if he don't weigh five pounds and turned him upside down and he belched out a double handful of shot and then he see how it was and he was the maddest man he set the frog down and took out after that feller but he never catched him and here simon wheeler heard his name called from the front yard and got up to see what was wanted and turning to me as he moved away he said just set where you are stranger and rest easy i ain't going to be gone a second but by your leave i did not think that a continuation of the history of the enterprising vagabond jim smiley would be likely to afford me much information concerning the reverend leonidas w smiley and so i started away at the door i met the sociable healer returning and he button-holed me and recommenced well this year smiley had a yeller one-eyed cow that didn't have no tail only just a short stump like a banana and however lacking both time and inclination i did not wait to hear about the afflicted cow and took my leave end of the celebrated jumping frog of calaveras county by mark twain read by kara shallenberg www.kray.org on october 31st 2007 i grew up in calaveras county